Parlor, Bedroom and Bath (1931) - full transcript

Say, Ginny.

What do you say
we married right away?

Oh, Jeff,
don't start that again.

I told you a thousand times

I'll never marry
until Angie marries.

See, Angie better
get on with herself.

She's not getting any younger.
- That's just it.

She's four years older than I am.

If I get married first people
are gonna call her an old maid.

And nobody will marry her.

Yes.



And in the meantime

we have to wait and...

Hey.

Watch her with Bertie.

I'm sorry Bertie, but I've
decided that I can't marry you.

Oh, but why?

Why the sudden change?

I mean, just say it, dash it!

You don't come up
with specifications.

Specifications?

What am I, a horse or a silly ass?

Well I wouldn't say
that you were silly.

But my dear, you know you...

you can't judge a husband
in a bathing suit.



No,

but you can get a rough idea.

Oh.

Looks like another flop.

Oh, let her alone, dear.

She'll find
the right man someday.

Yeah, we won't live that long.

Why did she
turn down Jack Peters?

Oh, she said
he had no romance.

No excitement.

She wants a man that
you'll never be sure of.

Is that so?

Well,

What about...what about
George Waters?

He looked like
he'd never been kissed.

Oh, rot.

I'll tell you one thing.

I'm not going to let your sister interfere with our happiness.

Oh, Jeff...
- I mean it!

You're going to marry
me next week,

nothing is going to stop me.
- But how can I...

And you know what I'll do

I'll marry Angie myself.

What?
- Yes, and I'll poison her

and marry you.

Where are you going?

Where am I going?

To get the poison.

Well,

I must leave and take
that train to town, honey.

Oh, Fred.

You think of nothing
but business.

I wish I could have a husband
at least one night a week.

Hey you cut that off,
that's my wife.

Sorry, thought it was mine.

Can you beat that?

Honey, when I'm away at night,
I hope you won't...

You hope I never
look at another man.

Will you just better
not leave me alone so much.

Take a little wify's tip.

Nita, why do you always
start pulling at stuff?

You know how I hate it.

Oh, you two love birds,
at it again.

Well Angie,

how would you like
your husband

leaving you every night
for business?

Are you sure it's business?
-No, I'm not.

Then I love it.

Oh, if I only had a husband
that could make me jealous.

Why, I'd send him out at night

just to get a thrill
when he came home.

Angie, you talk like a fool.

How would Fred like it
if I started going out at night?

Oh, you wouldn't mind
Fred, would you not?

Not if the man was good-looking

Oh no, I wouldn't mind

because I'd have the
extreme pleasure of

twisting his neck!

Bye, honey.

Goodbye, Fred.

Bye.

Oh, Nita, the more I see of men

the more I love my dog.

Don't wait for me,
you go off and have your lunches.

Alright.
-See you there.

Bye.

Look out there!

Say,

are you hurt?

Say, answer me!

Are you hurt?

Speak! Oh...

Help!

Help, somebody get a doctor!

Help there!

Help!

Get a doctor!
Get a doctor!

I think he's dead!

Such a poor dear!

He has such a
soulful sad face.

How could you be
so careless?

Suppose he dies!

That's right, that's right.

Be as cheerful as possible.

Hello! What's this?

Carpet tacks!

Let's see
if there's any more.

Ah! Ah!
Easy, easy, easy...

Well,

It's a pretty bad scalp wound
but no patterned fracture.

Probably some brain concussion.

He must get perfect
rest and quiet.

I advise he have a nurse.

Oh, would I do, doctor?

I'd give him the best
possible care.

The poor thing.

Well, alright miss Embrey
if you want to.

I'll go down and write up
some instructions for you.

I wonder who he is.

He looks like one who
has loved and suffered.

Oh!

Oh, oh, he's coming to...!

Oh, there was an accident,
my poor man

and you're in my home.

Don't worry.

Everything will be alright.

I'm going to take care of you.

I won't be gone long,
I'm just going down

to see what the doctor tells me to do for you.

C'mon Ginny I may need you.

Oh, Jeff dear, now that you're here, you stay here and take care of him, won't you?

You watch over him carefully.

C'mon Ginny we'll see
what the doctor has to say.

Hurry up.

I'm awfully sorry, old man.

I'm the fellow who hit you.

But you weren't looking
where you were going.

Oh, I was looking at her.

Huh, I...

I don't blame you.

And, uh...

What do you think of her
now that you've met her?

Oh, she's beautiful.

Say, what's your name?

Reginald Irving.

What business are you in?

I'm a sign tacker.

A what?

Sign tacker.

I get out putting signs
on telegraph posts

and fences and things.

Oh, I see...

In the advertising
business, huh?

Yeah.

Are you...

married?

Oh, no, no.

Have you ever had
anything to do with women?

Oh, I used to sell
vacuum cleaners.

Oh, no, no, I mean

Have you ever had
a love affair with a woman?

Oh, gosh no.

Well, you're going to have.

Oh, I can't.

I don't get paid until Saturday.

That's why this one
costs you anything.

You like Miss Embrey,
don't you?

Is that the...

uh, lady that was just here?

Mm hmm.

Oh, she's marvelous.

How would you like
to know her real well?

I might fix it,

so that she could be
the mother of your children.

Continuously (inaudible)

I think the scalp wound
will cure up very well indeed.

- Thank you, doctor.
- Goodbye, ladies.

-I'll take good care of things.
- Goodbye, Doctor.

Goodbye.

Well,

I found out
who our patient is.

-Really?
-Mm hmm, ha ha.

You'll never guess!

Oh, darling,
don't be so mysterious.

Reggie Irving.

Reggie Irving?

Aha, THE Reggie Irving.

I don't know him.

What? You don't know
Reggie Irving, the great outdoors man?

Does he run with our set?

Oh, no, no, hardly.

No. He's well-known
in London and Paris.

I'm surprised you've
never heard of the name.

I've never heard
of him either.

Listen.

He's figured in
so many divorce cases

that all the lawyers in France
wept when he left.

Not really?

Surely.

-Not...
- Mm hmm.

Reggie Irving.

The little devil.

And he has such a soulful
innocent look in his eyes.

Innocent?

Oh, that's just
the way he works.

Well, the very clothes he had on today
were a disguise.

He's probably on his
way to a rendezvous

with a home of one of your neighbors.

- I wonder who it can be.
- Yes.

Oh, I hear he's the worst
bourgeois snake in captivity.

Now pardon me.

What are you going to do?

What am I gonna do?
Calling for an ambulance.

Not on your life.

The doctor said he mustn't be moved.

But he can't stay here,
what will people say?

Oh, don't be absurd.
I can manage him perfectly.

But how about Ginny?
She'll probably fall for him too,

and I couldn't stand that.

I'll take care of Ginny.

Alright, have it your
own way but remember

I warned you.

Warned me?

You've intrigued me.

Come in.

A lady is to see
Mr. Irving.

Tell her that
he can't see anyone.

Oh, I am sure
he will see me.

Reggie!

My poor darling!

Reggie!

To think of you,

lying here, like this.

Heaven!

What's this?

Porridge!

Here.

Take this away.

He detests porridge.

- Really, I must...
- Don't you suppose

I know what he likes
for breakfast?

Reggie.

Reggie!

Don't you know me?

It's your little Gwenie.

Your little Gwenie.

And it's true, what they
told me downstairs.

He's lost his memory.

Oh, Reggie!

Reggie!

- My poor...
- Really, I must ask you to leave.

You're disturbing him.

Alright, nurse.

When you'll get on your
feet again, sweetheart...

Remember.

My arms will be waiting.

Two ladies to see Mr. Irving.

- Reggie, Reggie, darling.
- Oh, Reggie, my darling.

Take your hands
off of him.

Will you please
take your hands off of him?

Reggie, darling, I didn't know
that you were sick

and I didn't know you had
such a bad wound.

Will you please take
your hands off of him?

Look at me,
Reggie, darling.

Did you put it over?

Norma Shearer
couldn't have done any better.

Ha, ha, good girl.

Here's fifty extra.

Mm hmm.

I can't have
this a minute longer.

As long as Mr. Irving is
in my house, in my charge,

I can't have his temperature
going up like this.

You'll have to go.

And as far as you're concerned
I'm gonna sue you

for breach of promise
and have you thrown in jail!

Stop him!

Fifty dollars to the man
who stops him!

Stop him!

Stop him!

Good boy,
I've got him!

You, here!

That's it.

Hey, nevermind that. Quit!

Phil, I wanna him alive.
Come along, give him to me.

Give him to me.

I think he's alright.

Alright, I'll pick up with you later.

Well, I see you later.

He must have absolute
rest and quiet, Marie.

No one must enter or
disturb him in any way.

Yes, ma'am.

I would suggest-(mixed voices)

Hello sweetie!

How are you?

Hello, darling.

Say darling, I've got
some news for you.

- Really?
- Yes, I think

Angie's just mad about
that little shrimp upstairs.

Is that so? Well you know...

She wouldn't let anybody here
come near the room.

No, I don't think she would.

Oh, she's going to have a...

devil of a time
with that little brute.

What's the matter, darling?
Is someone...

Oh, I'm just

fixing the curtains,
sweetheart.

-Oh, I see.
- Yes, they're badly hung.

- I'm going upstairs, darling.
- Yes, darling.

- I'll have the curtains fixed.
- Alright sweetie.

When the wind blows they...
have no resistance.

Alright darling, you go up change
and I'll fix the curtains.

Hey, hey!
What did I tell you?

Don't do that,
I wan't him alive!

Just give him to me.

Well.

C'mon, put him over here.

So long, boys.

Don't forget to put
those glasses away, Bridget.

And be very careful of them.

Hello, Horace. How are you?

Quite nicely. Thank you, sir.

I'm glad to see you.

Can I do anything
for you, sir?

No, nothing. Thank you.

Nice pants that you have, Horace.

Thank you, sir.

I'm glad you like it.

Thank you, sir.

Hello Horace!
Glad to see you.

Very glad to see you. Glad that you're with us.

Goodbye, Horace!

What on earth
is the matter?

"Gardenia sat on the terrace
of the Hotel du Paris.

Dishing out..."

I was afraid those screams
might've wakened him.

No, he's quite alright.

I'm just reading him to sleep.

"An attentive
waiter saw her,

went to her,
and hovered over her.

Is there anything
the madame desires?

Yes..."
- Oh, he's perspiring dreadfully.

Is he? Oh, that's
splendid, yes.

The fever has
probably broken up.

"Being a waiter,
he waited.

But, being...

Being an
intelligent waiter, he..."

Just a little, uh...

irriation somewhere.

"Being an intelligent waiter,
he didn't wait very long.

And also being..."

No, he didn't do it,
did he.

"So, she sat
off the terrace..."

Lovely gown, neighbor.

Angie will be
down soon.

Yes, I wanna see Angie.

Have you seen this issue
of the Social Gossip?

No! Don't tell me there's more
about her and Reggie Irving.

"Of course we knew there'd be
lots of broken hearts

when Reggie Irving's engagement to
Angelica Embrey was announced.

But we hardly expected
from the prospective bridegrooms

various explanations
were necessitated midnight

supper last Monday in a
private room at the Seaside Hotel

with a certain lovely blonde
divorcee of Long Island."

Oh, Leila, that's awful!

And a week before
the wedding...

Angie already thinks that
I've been making...

eyes and side glances at that
impossible shrimp of hers.

And this atrocious paper
accuses me

of being his companion.

And you weren't there at all,
were you darling?

Thank goodness
I have a perfect alibi.

- Oh, Jeff.
- Oh , that's alright darling.

I'll go and see Reggie
and demand an explanation.

You do that, dear.
Maybe it isn't true.

I hope so for Angie's sake.

Excuse me.

Well, and how's everything?

Oh, it's terrible.

Terrible?
What happened?

She's worth
eight million dollars!

And what's so terrible
about that?

Oh, I would never marry
a woman for her money.

Say, what's
the matter with you?

You're managing her estate

and in another week
she'll be your wife.

And I oughta tell her that I am not
the kind of man she thinks I am.

Sit down.

You do that, and I'll...

Oh, there you are darling.

Really, darling.

You mustn't work so hard.

We're having tea
on the terrace.

You must come out.

Wait a minute, Angelica.

I wanna talk to you.

Well of course dear, what is it?

I've got something
I want to say to you.

Alone.

I know what it is, dear.

You want to tell me

how much you love me

and how happy you are.

But suppose
I told you that I'm

not the man
you think I am, and...

And, uh...

that I don't know
these other women.

I've never been out
with them at all.

You naughty, naughty boy.

As if I believe it.

No, darling.

It's not your past
I'm worried about.

It's your future and
your present.

Bye bye, dear.

It's no use.

She won't believe me.

- I...
- Sit.

Sit.

Do you want
to spoil everything?

Think of all I've done for you.
Think of all this means to me.

You're not going to weaken
until Ginny and I are married.

Then, if you're determined to go
ahead and wreck two lives

one of them human,
go as far as you like.

But until then you'll stick.

You'll stick.

And as for that insignificant
little nincompoop

that you're crazy about
I wouldn't give him a thought.

Indeed.

Well, many very attractive
women have, my dear.

And besides, he is not
a nincompoop.

Oh, Angie my dear.

If he were ever left alone
in a dark room

with a beautiful woman
he'd drop dead.

Here's Freddy!

Hello, Fred.

Oh, I'm so glad to see you.

How did you know I was here?
- I telephoned over.

How are you, Angie?
How are you, Ginny?

- Hello, Fred.
- You're going to stay to tea

of course Fred?

No thanks, I can't stop.

Oh, Fred.

I'm sorry Nita.

I've got to go
out of town at once.

I really dropped in
to say goodbye.

Oh, Fred, take me
with you.

I can't dear, this is...

This is business.

Business again.

Oh, perhaps you two
would like to say

your tender goodbyes
in private.

C'mon, Ginny.

I told you it's business, dear.

Business.

Mr. Irving.

Did you have this scandalous
article put in here?

Oh, no...

Did you explain Angie
the story isn't true?

There's no use explaining.

She insists on believing
that I'm bad.

And I'm not, honest I'm not.

Well, I should think she'll be able
to take one look at you

and realize that if you were
left alone in a room with a woman

why...
- We'd both be safe.

I was in a house
one time all alone

with the most
beautiful French maid.

She tried to kiss me.

She was baking a pie...

And what did you do?

I ate the pie.

Oh, this is perfectly dreadful.

I wonder if everybody
thinks I was there,

and that you held me
in your arms and kissed me.

Oh, I wouldn't know how.

Why...

You'll never get such thoughts, do you?

Oh, I get the toughts but
I'm scared to carry them out.

Oh, Leila.

I apologize for even thinking
that story was true.

Why, you have too much sense
to in be seen with this

poor little nitwit.

Oh, you heard.

Yes, and I'm happy I did.

Say Angie,
what happened?

Oh, nothing happened,
that just yet.

Why nothing ever
happened to Reggie.

He's not even a man.

Oh, I am too!

Even professor Einstein
couldn't make me believe that.

Now see what you've done,
you sap!

Oh, it's all I can do
to keep my hands off you.

I didn't know
she was listening!

Oh, you idiot!

You've gummed up
the whole works.

Now we've got to do something
at once, or else it's all off.

I wish it was.

I'm tired of being a villain.

Hey, I got it!

I got it!

You're going to get caught
with the goods.

I'm going to be a crook?

A crook, no.

You're going to have
an affair with a woman, tonight.

I'm a little nervous.

Can't you make it
tomorrow night?

No, tonight.

What woman?

Oh, nevermind.
Any woman, I'll look into that.

Now listen.

You will go to the seaside hotel,
you may have my room there.

You will register as
Mr. and Mrs. John Smith

and Angelica will catch you.

Do you think that'll
help me with Angelica?

Help you?

Why, it'll marry you to her.

Supposing Angelica is delayed.

She won't be delayed,
I'll look into that.

Well, what will I do with this woman

while I'm waiting? Gee,

I'm not much at talking.

Now, what I'll tell you...

Here, I'll draw a diagram for you.

Now come along, write this down.

Now, first of all

you register as
Mr. and Mrs. John Smith.

Mr. and Mrs. John Smith.

Right.

Right.

Now, when you first get to your room,

order some...

champagne and broiled lobster.

Champ...

Can't you make it beer?

Beer certainly not, champagne.

C-H-A-M-P-A...

Oh, well, make it wine.
W-I-N-E.

Well, what do I call her?

Oh, call her

kid, sweetheart, baby.

Kid, sweetheart, baby.

And then, when you're helping her
to take off her...

Take off her what?

Wrap.

R-A-P.

No, wrap. W-R-A-P.

Wap?

Make it coat.

K-O-T-E.

Then, slip your arms around her,

give her a little kiss.

Kiss.

Then

pull her down onto your knee

Must I do that?

Of course you must.

Well, I'll put her down.

And after the knee,
what happens?

Haven't you any imagination?

Yeah but I'm afraid
to depend on it.

Oh, well, you got enough there anyhow.
Now come along.

Run off to your room
and pack your bags.

I'll attend with everything else.
Go ahead, have a good time!

I'll have a good time if it kills me.

And listen, whatever you do, don't weaken.

Quick as you can,
go ahead boy.

Hurry up!

Is Jefferson Haywood in?

I'll see, madam.

- Who shall I say is calling?
- But I have an appointment.

What is the name, please?

He expects me!

What is the name, please?

Say, what if I
don't wanna tell you?

Well I shall not know who to say is here, madam.

Well good, go tell him I'm here.

Yes, but...

What is it all about?

I wasn't going to give
my name after

the article you made
me put in my column.

I'm so glad you came.

I rushed the moment
I got your note.

Come along, sit down.

Goodness.

But what is it?
You got me all goosepimples.

Polly.

You know how anxious
I am to get married.

Well, not half
as anxious as I am

and look how calm I act.

Yeah, but I want to
get married next week

and you're the one
who's going to do it for me.

Do it for you? Great Scott,
when a man gets married

that's one thing
he must do for himself.

Oh, don't you understand?

Tell me something and
I'll understand it.

Alright.

I want you to meet this Reggie Irving.

You mean the man that
I've been scandalizing in my column?

Mm hmm.
I want you to meet him alone.

Now, it's alright.

It's alright, this is just a trick.

Yeah, well you don't want me,
you want a magician.

Not, but he's quite harmless!

Why, if he would find himself
in a room alone with a woman

he probably fainted.

Sometimes they come to life.

I'll be seeing you.

Sit down!

Great Scott, don't scare me!

Now, listen.

I only want you
to have supper with him.

Will you?

Well, will he give me a good supper?

Oh, sure!

In my room, which is at Seaside Hotel.

And then, Miss Embrey, his fiancée

will catch you there.
That's all.

That's enough. The last time
I was caught by a fiancée

she had more hair on her hands
that I had in my head.

I'm not worrying about your hair.

Well I am, it's darn hard to match.

Now, you...

Jeff, you act so, why- why-

You ought to see a doctor.
Good bye.

Now, come here!

Listen, Polly.

We've always been
good friends, haven't we?

Yes, but you're scaring
the friendship out of me.

Come along and let's get organized.

I told you over the telephone
what a terrible fix I was in, didn't I?

Now then, if we can only get Angelica

to find her Reggie with another woman...

Oh, I see.

Looks don't mean anything.

Anyone will do.

Oh, so you picked me.
Thanks.

Oh, no, you're such a great scout.

Yes, I'm Buffalo Bill.

Now listen.

You will register as
Mr. and Mrs. John Smith.

Mr. and Mrs. John Smith?

Now I'm Pocahontas!

No, that's just to get in!

You're suppose to be Reggie's wife,
Mrs. John Smith.

A pro tem.

Oh, I'd love to be a wife pro tem.

You can have all the fun
and none of the housework.

- You better see another architect.
- Oh, maybe you're right.

I better find someone who can put
a little pep into a man.

Someone with an iron fist to teach a man how to act with a woman.

Oh, yeah?

What is the address
of the Seaside Hotel?

Nita, won't you
listen to reason?

If you don't take me,
you'll be sorry.

I told you I can't!

Then go.

And I don't care if you
never come back.

Nita, you don't mean that.

Yes I do. Every word of it.

Leave me alone.

Oh, very well.

I'll wire you when I arrive.

Take my excuses to Miss Embrey.

You make them yourself!

Bye, dear.

Oh, Fred!

Yes, you have. Here it is. Now, Seaside Hotel

at seven o'clock,
coach Reggie and supper.

Gee, I love supper.
I hope they have meat.

So long, Jeff. I'll see you Thursday.
- Bye bye, Polly.

I know what I'll do.

I'll raise the devil.

I'm going out with
the worst man I know

to a terrible place.

And I'm gonna let Freddy
know about it.

Then he'll have to come back.

Well, after all dear it's your own affair.

But don't do anything foolish.

Alimony may be easy money

but it don't make up for
a lot of lonesome nights.

Hurry up!

What's the idea
of the golf clubs?

Oh, I thought maybe if Angelica
was late I could practice putting.

Go ahead, beat it, beat it.
Go by the garden.

Go ahead,
everything's all set.

Reggie!

Oh, hello!

Why, Reggie, you wicked boy.
Where are you going?

Oh, no place in particular.

Oh, yes you are.

You are going to take me to supper
to the worst place you know.

Huh?

Oh, I'm so glad it's you.

Why, Reggie!

Whoever would've thought
you were so wicked.

Where should we go?

Oh, that's all arranged.

Arranged?

Seaside Hotel,

supper for two...
- Oh, Reggie you darling.

Not yet.

Reggie, I'm beginning
to feel so wicked!

So am I.

Oh, Reggie.

You understand that
isn't really...

Oh, I know,
we're just playing.

My car's at the
garden gate.

Let's take that.

Alright.

Won't some people
be surprised?

I hope so.

I overheard him

making a date
for this very evening!

You wait and see.

Well listen darling, I should run
an important business. So I'll run along.

I'll call you later.
- Goodbye, sweetheart.

Goodbye darling.

Oh, there you are.

Where's that little wretch Reggie?
I'm going to send him packing out of my life.

- Now, Angie...
- I'm done with him.

He'd made me
a laughingstock.

- Oh, there he is!
- Really?

- Getting into a car.
- Alone?

No, there's a woman in it.

A woman?

Why, it's Nita Leslie!

The little hussy!

Oh, Reggie,
how I've wronged you!

I beg your pardon,
where is Nita?

- Her car's starting.
- They're going away together.

Oh, Reggie,
how I misjudged you!

- What is it, what's the matter?
- The matter? Nothing is the matter.

Everything is perfect!

My Reggie has just eloped
with you Nita.

What?

Isn't it grand?

Oh, and they're taking
their suitcases!

I'll murder him.

Can you take us
to the Seaside Hotel?

What?

The hotel down here.

Hey!

Seaside hotel!

How much
do I owe you?

Hey?

How much
do I owe you?

Do you think two dollars
would be too much?

Yes.

Well, give me a dollar.

I'm Mr. John Smith
and wife.

Oh.

Would you like
two rooms?

Oh no, I'll only
be here one night.

Do you prefer single
or twin beds?

Which is best?

How do you
generally sleep?

On my back.

Then I'll give you
a double bed.

I'm Mr. Haywood's
Mr John Smith and wife.

Oh, you're that Mr.
and Mrs. John Smith.

Well, why didn't you
say so before so?

Now, if you
kindly register

I will take care of
you immediately.

For right here, Mr. Smith.
We'll take care of you immediately.

- Maybe I better sign in again.
- Ah yes, I think you better...

Uh, just...

It must be
raining out, isn't it?

Uh, boy. Will you take care
of these people, please.

Where do I take them,
to the laundry?

No, room 636.

That's my hat.

It's my hat.

You go and get him.

Hey, you got in there...

Thank you.

I'm alright now.

I'm alright now.
- You're alright, Mr. Smith?

Anything else, sir?

No, thanks.

No supper,
nothing to eat?

Oh, yeah.

Bring wine.
- Shh!

Not so loud.

What's the matter?

I'll get ten years if
I'm caught selling that stuff.

Well if you don't get caught
how much will it cost?

15 dollars a quart.

Bring champagne.

- That's 20 dollars a quart.
- Bring wine.

Should've been beer, I told him.

Hey, what are ya gonna eat?

Lobster.

Yeah? The lady too?

- Yeah.
- That's three lobsters.

No.

One for me
and the lady too.

The lady two,
that's three lobsters.

I guess you'll have to
eat two lobsters.

Sure you can spare this?

Say, umm...

Do you favor your father
or your mother?

- Oh, my mother.
- Yeah?

My father left town
the day before I was born.

Probably knew
what was coming.

Oh, Reggie,
give me a hanky.

Oh, I'm so afraid of
thunder and lightning.

I don't care for them either.

Oh, Reggie, I'm so wet.

Maybe you better
take that coat off.

Reggie.

I wish I had
something dry to put on.

Maybe there's something in the grip.

Why, Reggie!

How did you happen to
have these in your suitcase?

Oh, I always carry
those things.

Reggie.

You wicked, wicked man.

Where will I change?

Looks like a bed!

It is a bed.

Oh, Reggie,
I feel so wicked.

Reggie, help me
unhook dress.

- Huh?
- Help me unhook my dress.

Reggie.

Behave.

Reggie, don't look. Go into the other
room and shut the doors.

Headache?

Oh, no.

I was just playing.

With the wife.

I bet you two have
a lot of fun together.

Here's you wine
and your lobster.

The lobster's only
got one big claw.

They lose one sometimes
in a fight, you know.

Why didn't you
bring me the winner?

Anything else, sir?

Yeah, uh, I want you to take

the Mrs' clothes out
and have them dried.

Okay.

Don't you dare come in.

Gimme your clothes so I send them
down and have them dried.

I'll give you the clothes
but don't you dare come in.

She doesn't want me
to come in.

I noticed that.

How about you?
You better change too.

Don't you dare
come out here.

Still playing, huh?

May I come out now?

Yeah, come out now.

Kiss.

Oh, Reggie.

You know, you said
you wouldn't really do that.

It's in the book.

The book?

Oh, kid, sweetheart, baby.

Reggie, you shouldn't
say such things.

Something here
about your knee.

My knee?

Or maybe it's my knee.

Oh, oh, I know what it is.

You stand up.

- Oh, Reggie, I mustn't.
- It's alright, it's in the book.

Oh, Reggie, you mustn't!

No! I have to because
she probably be here now any minute.

- Oh, Reggie, let me go!
- Come here!

Don't turn around like that!

Oh, Reggie, please let me go!

Let me get out of here!

Oh, Reggie, don't you dare!
Don't you dare to get nearer to me.

- Oh, please, I don't care about you!
- You can't go back there!

- Oh, please!
- They probably be here in , they...

- They probably be here in...
- Freddy!

- I'll call Freddy on you!
- Come 'ere now!

Don't you dare!

- Let me out of here!
- Come here!

Oh, Reggie!

Please, go away!
Don't you dare come in here!

You can't do that.

You have to come out here,
you gotta be here when she arrives!

Reggie!

Reggie.

You are Reggie,
aren't you?

Yes, ma'am.

This is gonna be easy.

Now come here now,
don't be scared.

I'm not gonna kidnap you
or give you the needle.

You're just as safe with me
as you would be in jail.

Jeff Haywood said it.

- Jeff Haywood.
- Yes.

- Jeff Haywood?
- Mm hmm.

He...He sent you here?

Yes.

What about...?

What about what?

Nothing.

You know, when Jeff
warned me about you

I didn't believe that it
could be true, but he was right.

He was right.

Now, he's explained everything
to me and I'm gonna coach you.

Coach me.

Yes, we're gonna have
a little rehearsal.

Rehearsal.

A little practice.

Practice.

Do you know what
we're here for?

Do something to
deceive Angelica, huh?

Huh?

What you're supposed to do
now is to make love to me.

Where do I begin?

Up in Minnie's room.

First you seize me.

One arm around my neck.

Comme ci, comme ça.

Oh, come and get this,
are you anchored?

I am here for a quiet evening.

You know, you are dead
and you won't lay down.

I'm not here to give you
dancing lessons.

Come here.

Oh.

Try that now.

Your rough work is funny.

I didn't mean to hurt you.

Clinch, will you clinch?
Get a Half Nelson.

What's the matter with this thing?
Hasn't it ever been used?

Now, say something like this.

Darling.

I love you madly.

I cannot live without you.

You must never leave me.

Now you do that.

Darling.

I love you madly.

I cannot live without you.

You must never leave me.

You have all the passion
of an infuriated clam.

Get up there!

What do you think
you're doing?

This is a love scene.

Oh, say it as if
you really meant it.

Say darling.

I love you madly.

I cannot live without you.

You must never leave me.

I'll get you a piece of meat.

Send up a hip of a horse.

Oh, c'mon now, you know
what to say. Say it.

C'mon, say it.

Oh, my darling.

I love you madly.

I cannot live without you.

You never must never leave me.

He's moved in on me.

Say, don't go to sleep here. This is not Old Home Week, you know.

Now you must kiss me.

Huh?

Not "huh", kiss me.

Are you hiding?

Five, 10, 21, 36

49, 52, 68, 71.

Here I come, ready or not!

I’m not supposed to be
your maiden aunt!

I'm supposed to be the party
of the second part in a regular orgy!

In a regular orgy!

And a kiss!

Let me show you a kiss.

Come on now, once more.
Straight through this time.

And I'll be flirting with you.

You were meant for me...

kiss me!

Kiss me!

Oh, my darling.

I love you madly.

You must never leave me.

I cannot live without you.

I beg your pardon.

You've been holding out on me.

Mama don't wanna play.

Save me! Oh, Reggie, save me!

It's alright!

It's alright. I know what to do know.

Oh, my darling.

I love you madly.

I cannot live without you.
You must never leave me!

I beg your pardon!

Well, I...

Just a moment.

What on earth do you
think you're doing?

I'm practicing.

Practicing?

- I'm doing pretty good, too.
- But!

N-not Nita, that's the wrong girl!

- Didn't you fix it with her?
- No, no, no.

That was another girl.
A friend of mine!

Oh, that other woman!

Oh, yes, she told me
what to do.

I love you madly.
I cannot live without you.

You must never leave me.

Nevermind, now tell me.
Where is Polly?

- Polly?
- Yeah, Polly.

Polly. Mrs. John Smith!

Mrs. John Smith?

The woman I sent here for you.

Oh! Oh, she went down the hall

to another room to change her clothes.
- I will get her.

And listen,

get Nita right out of here.

Her husband found all about it.

He's out to get her and you!

You think he'll be mad?

Mad? Ha! He'll kill you!

And listen,

work fast.

Angelica is on the way.
Should be here any moment.

Don't you dare come in here!

Oh, Nita, you gotta...

You gotta come out!

Everything's been changed.

Reggie Irving,
is Nita in that room?

You wretch!

Nita!

Oh Leila, you came just in time.

Well, that's something.

You don't know what a
terrible person that Reggie is.

I'm afraid I've done him
an injustice.

Why! He held me
on his knees and

he tried to kiss me
and everything!

I can't believe it.

But look! C'mon and
quickly get dressed.

Your husband may
be here any time!

Oh, but I can't go out
without my clothes!

They're drying them.

Oh, phone for them.
Quickly Nita, hurry!

I'll take care of Reggie.
- Oh, you better be careful.

He's a terrible, terrible man!

Reggie Irving, do you realize
you had that little girl scared sick?

I thought she acted
a little bit nervous.

What on earth
is the matter with you?

Why didn't you pick up
a grown up woman,

somebody who knows
how to play the game?

Oh, my darling.

I love you madly.

I cannot live without you.

You must never leave me!

Oh, he's a Mormon!

Reggie.

Irving, are you
losing your mind?

Reggie!

Reggie Irving,
get off of me!

So,

I was right about you, Leila.

All the time.

What have you done
with Nita?

Nita?

Yes, Nita.

Where is she?

Oh, Nita came with me but

she didn't know
how to play the game and

Leila volunteered.

Why, you little shrimp!

If you'd only listen to me,
I came here

to save Nita from
this- this monster.

And the only way
you could save Nita

was to take Nita's place
on Reggie's lap.

Oh, don't be a fool, Angie.

I didn't know
you had company.

Reggie!

How could you,
Reggie? Oh!

You promised me
cross your heart

that you were gonna
cut out all these society dolls!

Why did you lie to me, darling?

Why did you lie to me? Why, why

Why?

What is Reggie to you?

Nothing much.

We're gonna
be married next week.

Oh, darling, how could you?

You can't do this to me.

Don't you realize

that it is what you do
and what you say

is absolutely breaking my heart?

You can't, Reggie, go on like this.

Don't you realize how much...?

You really know that I...

If you can't do it for me,
do it for Minnie!

Don't you know,
I mean, really, we can't...

I'm only a poor working girl
and you've deceived me.

You said that I was the only one,
your only little Toodles.

So this is Toodles!

Where are you going?

Get away from me.

Where is Nita?

Where's Nita I say?

She...she's not here.

Where's my wife? Answer me!

I can't keep track of
everybody's wife!

Not here.

- Not here, huh?
- No!

No!

Well, it's a good thing for you
she's not here.

What will I do with
Mrs. Smith's clothes, Mr. Smith?

Nita's things!

And she is here!

Nita, are you in there?
- No!

See? She's not in there.

Come out or
I'll break down that door.

That guy's got a harem.

Oh, here you are.

Oh, Freddy, save me!

Away from me.

Look at all of you!
What do you think of it?

I think she's cute.

What did you say?
- Oh, Fred, I can explain everything.

Yeah?

Well, explain what you're doing here
in these clothes.

We walked on the rain,
we had to change our clothes.

Yeah?

Well, then explain
what you're doing registered here

as Mr. and Mrs. John Smith

Try and explain that!

Yes, try and explain that.

Oh, Reggie is a dreadful man.

He said it was only a supper party

and then he registered
as Mr. and Mrs. Smith.

And he unhooked my dress and...
- Don't tell me anymore.

- No, don't tell him any more.
- No, don't tell him any more!

And he held me on his lap,
and he kissed me.

and everything!
- Everything?

Why, you...
- Don't be a fool!

Dear God, they got me.

Hey, the boss just sent for the police.

It's murder!

Get out, get out of the hotel!

Try and explain that
to the police!

Freddy, Freddy!

Yeah?

I tell you, someone threw that in here.

Wait a minute Joe,
what do you know, huh?

I was just upstairs!

Come here, stand still...

What do you know
about this, huh?

Somebody threw it
out of the window.

Everybody, get over there now.

Wait a minute here.
- No, you don't understand.

Alright. C'mon officer, get that bunch up there, we'll find out.

Is that it?

Alright, out of the way!

Anybody in there?

Open that door.

Alright, Clemsy.

Get on that doorknob.

C'mon, c'mon.
Open it, open it!

C'mon, c'mon, c'mon.

Get away from that door! I'll make as quick as...

Gimme that key!

Alright Clemsy, bring them in!

Get them in that room, quick!

Get in!
C'mon! C'mon.

Alright, get them in that room.

Don't let them approach to anything.

Where's the body?

What body?

Any body.

There's anybody here but me.

Don't kid me!
There was a woman shot in this room.

What did you do with her?

Oh, her?

I never saw her before my life.

They got me! They got me!

Somebody get them off me!

I tell you they got me,
they got me!

Who are you?

I'm the body.

What's the matter with you?

Freddy!

Get away from me,
I don't wanna get shot!

Freddy!

Come down the stairs!

Freddy, Freddy come back!

Stop that!

Freddy!

Where did he go?
-There!

I tell you he's in here, somewhere!

Don't wait for me, will you?

There it is, boys!

Freddy!

Freddy!

Freddy!

Hey c'mon, he went out there!

Freddy!

Freddy!

Get 'im, men!

You speak as if
it was all my fault!

C'mon, now, hurry.

I'm tired of this whole thing.

I came here for a quiet little supper
and what do I get?

A shot in the pajamas.

- But.
- Don't talk so much!

I told you how to treat a woman,
now go in there and do it.

Go on in there and do it.

I wouldn't marry that Reggie Irving

even if he was the last man on earth.

Hey, now listen...

I love you madly.

You must never leave me.

I cannot live without you.