Park (2006) - full transcript
It's noon at a remote foothill park in Los Angeles: April is there to commit suicide; Krysta and Dennis tryst in his car while her co-worker Ian waits in a dog-shampooing van; Dennis's wife Peg and her best friend Claire have followed Dennis and plan guerrilla warfare; and four 20-somethings from the same office are talking in a van. April seeks Ian's help (lubricant, a hose, a lighter) and he asks if he can join her; Claire and Peg trap the lovers in Dennis's car then have a heart to heart; Nathan and Babar disclose to Meredith and Cheryl that they are nudists while Meredith insists the men are gay. Disrobing and disclosures follow. Is it just another day in L.A.?
[MUSIC - NIK KERSHAW, "JANE
DOE"]
Put on your
coat, put on your hat,
and say goodbye to
your welcome mat.
Forget your bag,
forget yourself, forget
the lines you knew so well.
So brace yourself and open
up the door because it's
everybody for themselves.
Well, here we go.
Yeah.
Here we go.
You can't say yes,
you can't say no.
You lose your mind,
you lose your way,
you lose your temper every day.
And you wonder why you
always have to fight
for such an ordinary life.
Oh, shit.
Argh.
Son of a bitch!
[MUSIC - PINK MARTINI, "LET'S
NEVER STOP FALLING IN LOVE"]
I wish a falling
star could fall forever.
IAN: Wow.
Look at this.
And sparkle through
the clouds and stormy weather.
KRYSTA: I-- I don't want
to be by the other car
so just keep going.
Now left.
IAN: Down this road here?
KRYSTA: Yeah.
Yeah.
IAN: Gosh, if it wasn't
for all the smog,
I bet we could see
everything from up there.
Wow.
There's even more.
KRYSTA: Just keep going.
Hold me close and
whisper that you love me.
OK, now-- now left.
IAN: One left coming up.
And promise that
your dreams are only of me.
KRYSTA: Oh no.
No, no, no.
Go back
IAN: Huh?
KRYSTA: Over there.
IAN: Oh, sorry.
I thought you wanted
to park up there?
KRYSTA: No, no.
You can't park up there.
You have to park over there.
Always, I hope
that we follow the star
and be forever floating above.
I know a falling star
can't fall forever--
Here.
IAN: Right here?
KRYSTA: Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's good.
--but let's
never stop falling in love.
You know, for all the
years I've lived here,
I never even knew
this place existed.
Nobody does.
Uh, echo delta niner to big dog.
We are confirmed for a 10-100.
Repeat, echo delta
niner to big dog.
MR. HABIB :
for the sake of Christ.
Jesus, Ian, just say that
you're breaking for lunch.
Roger that.
Turn around.
OK?
Oh, sure.
Krysta?
Hmm?
I think there's
something you should know.
I asked Mr. Habib to make
you my permanent partner.
You like me that much, huh?
Well, there-- there's
something else, too.
This will probably come
as a surprise, but, well--
What the fuck?
Hi.
I'm sorry.
Hi.
I was wondering if you
might have some lubricant
that I could borrow?
Did you say lubricant?
Yeah.
Um, you know, like, WD-40,
or Vaseline, or some
other petroleum-based product.
I'm having trouble with my car.
Oh.
Hold on.
May I help you?
What do you know?
The all-purpose lubricant
just like you wanted.
I'll bring it right back.
Oh, that's all right.
You should probably
just keep it.
OK.
Yeah.
Thanks.
Woo, hoo, hoo.
Woo, hoo, hoo.
NATHAN: Welcome,
ladies, to the best
kept secret in Los Angeles.
A piece of land that
actually hasn't been turned
into a strip mall,
a gated community,
or a fast food restaurant.
Mary
bought a Cadillac.
BABAR: But we always
park at the top.
NATHAN: All the more reason
to try something different.
BABAR: We usually
park up at the top.
NATHAN: True.
But we have guests with
us today and I, for one,
think that the
least we can do is
show them something
a little more
interesting than the usual.
Here we are.
This is it?
This is it.
NATHAN: Uh, guys.
Actually, we usually
just stay in the van.
You bring your lunch to a
park but you stay in the van?
Uh, that's right.
OK.
A little odd but OK.
MERIDITH: Of course they
didn't mark any of these.
Uh, who
Oh, that's for Sher.
I don't know if I can do this.
We have trouble
trying new things.
That's not true.
Ah.
Well, you got to try
new things, Sheryl.
I mean, that's the best
part of life and besides,
it's a well-known fact
that sushi is the secret
to Japanese longevity.
I mean, they eat
tons of this stuff
and they live way
longer than anybody
else in the entire world.
Fucking shit!
What was that?
I-- I don't know.
A
It sounded like a gunshot.
Yeah, of course
it was a gunshot.
This is LA; it's like
background music.
Where the hell are we, anyway?
Uh, McGiffin Park.
One of the few
places in LA where
you can actually be left alone.
No gangs, no homeless.
No cops.
Mhm.
Oh, my god.
This is the best hirame.
You guys have to taste this.
Uh, Meridith?
Mm
Um, we usually like to say
a few words before we start.
Are you serious?
Oh, my god.
Your totally serious.
I usually like to start
with a moment of silence.
No.
Mother fucking son of a bitch!
Jesus christ!
Oh kind and gentle spirit,
non-gender or race specific
other, we ask you that the lives
of our aquatic friends were not
spent in vain, but rather
that their nutrients give us
strength to rise above
the shallow pursuits
of the material world
so that we can embrace
each other in a collective
oneness of peace,
unity, and friendship.
You know what I
was saying before?
Yeah, you want to
be regular partners.
Oh, I do.
I do.
But, uh-- Well, I guess there's
no real easy way to say this.
I-- I don't have an enormous
am-- amount of experience
with women.
I know, Ripley's
Believe It or Not.
But, well, at
first I thought I--
I was waiting for-- for the
right girl but then she, uh--
she never really showed up.
Um-- but then you came along.
And now that you're going
to all this trouble, I--
I just thought that well--
Ian, why did you think I
wanted to come here with you?
Well, it's a
little em-- embarrassing
to-- to say out loud, but, um--
did I mention that
I play the piano?
I-- I wrote a song for you.
You did?
IAN: From a
cold and distant land,
oh, oh, she came a rolling.
It was the land known as Poland.
Now my gentle heart
she's stolen--
--like a run away--
Ian, did you think I wanted to
come here to make love to you?
No.
Ian, that's so sweet,
but you're a dog groomer.
So are you.
Yeah, but for me,
it's just temporary.
Ian, put yourself in my shoes.
Uh, you shampoo dogs, you live
with your parents, and you,
uh, read books like "21 Days."
"Guaranteed Sex in 21 Days."
It's guaranteed sex appeal.
You see it says
right here "appeal."
Hmm.
And on top of that, your hair--
doing, doing.
I mean, what's
going on in there?
You said you liked me.
I-- I liked working
with you, Ian.
I mean, who wouldn't?
You do everything.
OK.
Let me explain something to you.
Life is like a pyramid.
The better looking you are,
the more money you have,
the closer to the top you are.
That is how life works.
The sooner you realize
that, the less time
will be wasting
trying to date someone
not on same level as you.
And I suppose you're right
up there at the top, huh?
Ian, just the same way
you have every right to date
someone on the same level
of the pyramid as you,
I have every right
to date someone
on the same level as me.
Oh yeah?
Like who?
[MUSIC - LOVERBOY, "TAKE ME TO
THE TOP"]
Here's looking at you.
What do you think--
100% top of the pyramid.
I'll be back in 30 minutes.
Because I have to
do the things I have to do.
What's a poor boy to do when
he's fallen in love with you?
Help me make it
through the night.
Everything's going
to be all right.
Yeah.
CLAIRE: Are you sure
you want to do this?
PEGGY: Am I sure
want to do what?
I mean, maybe they're
just really close friends
and he's afraid to
tell you because he
doesn't think you'd understand.
PEGGY: Yeah, maybe you're right.
Maybe she is just a really good
friend who just happens to look
like a disease-infected whore.
Oh, my.
She really does
look like a whore.
Help me make
it through the night.
Everything's going
to be all right.
You ordered a maid?
Your late.
I am sorry.
You're a bad little
maid, now aren't you?
I am not so good
at cleaning either.
I am dirty.
Very, very dirty.
I brought some supplies.
Excellent.
And a little
something for you.
Oh, yeah.
Mm-hmm.
I got a little
something for you, too.
Yes?
You know, the sooner
you put these on,
the sooner I can get started.
BABAR: Mhm.
So good.
I swear sometimes I think
sushi is better than sex.
What?
OK.
The thing is, you guys
have been sneaking off
on your little lunches
for a while now
and every time you come back
your clothes are all wrinkled,
so it's pretty obvious
what's going on.
And we just want you to know
we're totally OK with it.
And you might feel like you need
to pretend with other people
at work but you totally
don't have to with us.
And that's the only reason why
we insisted on coming to lunch
with you guys today
because we just want you
to know we are so OK with it.
Of course, Sher had, like, the
major stalker crush on you.
Meridith.
No, it's OK, Sher.
We talked about it.
No we didn't talk
about talking about it.
But we agreed it
wasn't a big deal.
Well, it's not.
Anywho, now that
it's just out there
and you guys don't have
to fake it anymore,
we can all just be who we are.
Meridith, we're not
gay, we're nudists.
Hi, again.
Hi.
I-- um, I'm still having
trouble with my car.
Oh, uh-- I--
I'm, uh.
I'm-- I'm afraid I'm
not very mechanical.
Oh, it's OK.
You know, I just really--
I need a hose of some kind.
Um, do you have
anything like that?
Um, are
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I'm fine.
I mean, you know,
the whole car thing.
I mean, it's just kind
of upsetting, you know.
I mean, you finally get one that
you think you can depend on,
you know, and suddenly you
think your whole life's
going to be so much
better because it's
going to be like the others.
But, uh, the next
thing you know, they're
having sex with your roommate
and selling naked pictures
of you all over the internet.
Hold-- hold on.
I'll be right back.
We use this when we have
to wash a dog outside--
and cats, too.
Although, we don't get
many cats, actually.
I don't know if you've
ever tried to shampoo a cat
but it's kind of a nightmare.
OK.
Thank you.
MERIDITH: So you're telling
us, for the past three months,
you've been sneaking
off just so you
can take of all your clothes
and stare at each other?
Well, we don't stare at each
other but, essentially, yes.
You are so phenomenally gay.
No, we're not.
Oh, come on.
Babar, please.
He's right.
OK, nudists go
to nudist colonies,
they don't perv out in a
van in some random park.
Why can't two men be
naked with each other
without it instantly
becoming sexual?
Because you're gay.
Meredith, nudism--
it-- it isn't about titillation,
it's about rejecting
a completely artificial taboo.
By staring at each
other's meat puppets.
Would you let him finish!
Thank you.
Clothes are a straight jacket.
I mean, all they do
is perpetuate shame.
I mean, really,
what do you think
casual Fridays are all about?
I mean, even after centuries
of conditioning, you--
you still feel that
this suffocating
uniform that they make you
wear just isn't natural.
So
Once a week they let you
dress down in the hope
that it will anesthetize
our most basic human need--
the need to be free.
Do you know what I think?
I think you're full of shit,
totally and completely.
Oh, my god, you guys.
Come on.
I've never seen so much
leather in my whole life.
That's right, baby.
100% grade A American cowhide.
Not to mention,
shatterproof windows,
push button roadside assistance,
and a 26-speaker Bose
audio system.
Argh!
Come on, you stubborn
old Nazi piece of shit.
Oh, hi.
Have a nice day.
Oh.
PEGGY: I just can't
believe he's doing this.
CLAIRE: Peg, And I'm
going to ask you something
and I don't want
you to get mad, OK?
How would you categorize
Dennis size
What do you mean?
I mean how does he stack
up against other men?
Are you talking
about his penis?
Yes.
He's average, I guess.
I'm not exactly the
world's leading expert.
Maybe he's a little undersized.
I know he's always
insecure about it
but I thought all men were
insecure about their size.
So would you say
he has a small penis?
Smallish, I guess.
Why on Earth are
you asking me this?
Well, I was only a psych
major for a semester,
but this just seems like a
classic case of Freud 101.
OK.
A man has a penile insecurity
complex so he compensates
for it by buying a
big, throbbing truck
and then going out and finding
some cheap sleazy slut.
But everyone I know says
Freud was full of shit.
The overall length
of the vehicle
is 18 feet 9 and a half inches.
I can't even fit it
in to most garages.
The overall width
of the vehicle
is 6 feet, 7 and 3/4 inch.
And you want every inch
of it don't you, baby?
You know what else I want?
I want this to be our
last time in the truck.
It's not a truck, it's a
luxury sports utility vehicle.
Well then, I want this to
be our last time in the luxury
sport utility vehicle.
It will, baby.
It will.
I promise you.
You said that before.
Honey, come on!
You know how much I like this.
OK!
OK!
You're nudists.
Whatever.
We believe you.
No, no you don't.
You know what?
You're right.
And as a matter of
fact, I think you're
going to a hell of a lot of
trouble in a, truthfully,
sad kind of way to
hide something you have
absolutely no need to hide.
Hmph.
Sheryl?
Yes?
Do you think that we're going
to hell of a lot of trouble
in a truthfully,
absolutely, sad kind of way
to hide something that we
have absolutely no need to?
Thank you.
Behold the glory
of my manhead.
Oh, my god.
I think someone is ready
for the glove of love.
Oh, yeah.
But first, promise me this
is our last time in the park.
I promise.
Why?
Because, baby.
Because why?
Because, baby, I love you.
Awh, do you really?
You know I do.
Awh.
Then prove it to me.
OK.
Oh!
Good god.
Oh.
Oh!
Fuck.
Fuck!
Fuck!
Fuck!
Fuck!
--me.
Who's your daddy?
- Fuck!
- --me
- Say it.
- Fuck!
- --me.
- Say it!
Fuck!
--me harder, you
big strapping circus
freak of a man with a dick
like a giant Budweiser horse!
PEGGY: What happened
in my life, Claire?
I mean, you grow up,
get a job, get married
just like you're
supposed to, and what
do I have to show for it?
My husband cornpoling some
underage tart in a park.
It's not your fault, Peg.
How do you know?
How could this
possibly be your fault?
Because we stopped
having sex over a year ago!
MEREDITH: Tell me you're
not looking, Sher.
BABAR: Oh, she's looking.
I don't believe this.
Meridith, you're the only
one making a big deal of this.
I've seen a penis
before, Nathan.
I bet you have.
All the more reason
to accept that this
is our natural state; the
way that we were meant to be.
OK.
Fine.
Fine.
Hello?
Oh, my god.
I cannot even believe
that I'm sitting here.
Hi, again.
Take, take, take.
That's me.
Um, if I could just borrow
a lighter this time,
I swear that'll be it.
I'm having a bit of
a nic
Oh, yeah.
Sure.
My girlfriend usually has one.
IAN: Oh, look.
Here's one.
Oh, great.
Thanks.
IAN: You really shouldn't,
you know, smoke.
It's bad for you in
like 17 different ways.
I'll keep that in mind.
IAN: Don't.
Oh, what?
Go away!
Go away!
OK.
Go ahead.
No!
Than neither am I?
Now, for god sake, just do it.
No!
No!
PEGGY: I can't do this.
Peg, you made me swear I
wouldn't let you chicken out.
I never loved him, Claire.
So?
So what right do I
have to even be angry?
Oh, gee, I don't know.
Maybe because he's lying
and cheating on you?
So what if you haven't
had sex in a year.
Your vows didn't say "till
death do us part unless we
go 12 months without a screw."
I just don't care anymore.
He tried to sleep with me.
He said he didn't think it
was natural for a man to have
to go so long without it.
But Dennis hates you.
I know.
He also said that if I
moved around a little,
it would be the best sex
he'd had since he was single.
He shouldn't have done that.
Peg, I am sure you
are a very vibrant
and dynamic lover
when you want to be.
Claire, I'm not
talking about that.
You're my best friend.
Our relationship means
more to me than anything.
He knows that.
Maybe that's why he did it?
Of course that's
why he did it.
Put that on.
What?
Just because?
That's the best you can do?
What do you want?
Some kind of
detailed explanation?
Uh-hu.
Yes!
Well, why don't
you give me one?
Because I was here first.
I could tell you my reasons
but if I did and you didn't,
then I'd just be getting the
shit end of the stick again
and, frankly, I've had enough
of the shit end of the stick.
DENNIS: Give it to me
KRYSTA: Yes!
I am giving it to you.
DENNIS: Oh, yeah.
Louder!
KRYSTA: The
is 146.8 feet.
It is the biggest
interior in it's class.
DENNIS: That is big.
KRYSTA: Yeah.
It's big.
It's so very, very big.
DENNIS: Oh, no, no, no.
Pick a different store, baby.
KRYSTA: It has a towing
capacity of about 50,000 pounds.
DENNIS: Yeah, it
turns real nice!
Yeah!
It has a 375
horsepower engine.
DENNIS: Engine!
KRYSTA: And over last
six years in a row,
it has rated number
one in the
by powered engine.
DENNIS: Ah!
Oh, yeah
KRYSTA: Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Who came up with the
idea that we should
be ashamed of our bodies?
I'm not ashamed of my body.
Then why do you hide it?
- Everybody does.
- Yeah.
But that doesn't make
it right, does it?
By making our natural state
a crime, all we're doing
is creating a society of
individuals so ashamed
of themselves that they
walk around petrified
that one day the
world might actually
see who they really are.
You know, anytime you want
to jump and, Sher, feel free.
- Well, I think he's right.
- Tell me your joking.
I told you this would happen.
Meredith, Babar didn't think
you'd be able to handle it.
Oh, really?
NATHAN: It's not a
judgment, Meredith.
Oh, bullshit it's not.
Let's just forget
the whole thing.
MEREDITH: No, please.
You guys act like you're
curing cancer here.
Anybody can nude up,
but you're like, oh,
we are so progressive,
you couldn't
even begin to understand us.
This is why we
never invited you.
See?
Because we knew you'd wig.
Oh, now I'm wigging?
God, I swear this
is just like work.
You guys sit around with your
holier than thou attitudes
acting like, oh,
we're programmers,
we're so much smarter than you.
And now here you are again
with you patronize attitudes
thinking your
little nudie lunches
are so incredibly
enlightened, us
little feeble-minded chicks
couldn't even possibly begin
to understand you.
Maybe she's the deformed.
Oh, fuck off, Babar.
Meredith, there's no
need to justify your fear.
My fear?
You think I'm afraid?
Can we please just go?
No.
I'm sorry, but um, I can
handle anything you guys
can and one hell of a lot more.
Wait.
It's OK, Sher.
I'm just going to prove a point.
It may be an
incredibly stupid one
but I'm going to
prove it anyway.
Well, maybe I want
to prove a point, too.
Hmph.
Men.
100,000 years of
coexistence and you
still think you're the
only ones with balls.
KRYSTA: You are a monster!
DENNIS: A gigantic
I'm fucking gigantic!
I mean, I have tried having
a job and being normal and it--
it just doesn't work.
And, like, I mean, I've
trying being abnormal too--
you know, like the
creationism, stuff like that--
but I pretty much
sucked at all that.
So I though well, you
know, what the hell.
I mean, the only thing I've
ever really wanted to do
was make music.
Oh, it smells
really bad in here, doesn't it?
Actually, I like
the smell of gas.
Anyway-- and so I just
thought well, who knows.
Maybe I'll be good
and then it won't
matter that I'm not pretty.
Well, you're not not pretty.
Please, do not
try to cheer me up.
And that way, I could
just play my music
and I could forget about men
because I am just
not cut out for that either.
I mean, I don't know
how many relationships
it took me to learn that "I love
you" does not mean I love you.
No.
It's guy lingo for enjoy
it while it lasts bitch
because tomorrow
I'm going to take
a big, fat, hairy dump right
in the middle of your face.
Do you want to hear my demo?
Sure.
APRIL : You!
Oh, you.
I try to love you but you
only love me so that I
would buy you cigarettes.
You dick!
You!
Oh, you!
You told me I was great.
But you changed your mind when
you came to find my flat chest.
You dick!
You!
Oh, you!
You said you liked my friend.
You said she was cool,
then you fucked her!
Oh.
I knew it was bad,
but I never thought
it would make someone cry.
What if somebody
calls the cops?
I don't give a shit.
No one knows who we are.
By the time a cop shows
up, we'll be long gone.
You said to bring
something sharp.
That's a potato peeler.
It's Williams-Sonoma.
Ugh!
Here.
Sweet jesus, Peggy.
Claire, I need you to focus.
This isn't just for me,
this is for all the women
out there who have been
lied to and cheated on
by some insensitive
asshole, like Dennis.
Am I right?
Yes.
Claire, I need you to say it.
Yes.
Am I right?
Yes, Peggy you are right.
So what's your story?
Well, I'm 36, I live with
my parents, and I wear a wig.
APRIL: I don't get it.
Women don't find
me attractive.
Oh, no.
Why do you wear a wig?
There's nothing
wrong with your hair.
Oh, uh, there
was this self-help
book that I was reading--
the last chapter's called
"Desperate Measures."
You know, there's a
better way to do this.
Sher, are you OK?
NATHAN: Sheryl?
This is supposed to be
an uplifting, liberating
experience.
If it doesn't feel
right, don't do it.
Well, there it is.
We are naked, you're naked.
Big fucking deal.
Progress.
Progress!
Progress!
Progress.
[MUSIC - THE CHELSEA SMILES,
"NOWHERE RIDE"]
What the fuck?
I love you, Nathan.
NATHAN: Sheryl, no.
Oh, my god.
NATHAN: Oh, god that's cold.
What's happening?
Argh!
What the-- jesus christ.
I have do me.
KRYSTA: Oh!
Ahh!
What's happening, Dennis?
DENNIS: Oh, my god.
What is happening?
Argh!
Hmph.
DENNIS: Where are the keys?
It's just like the old
days in the hooker town.
Get in the back!
Get in the back!
Ow!
Damn!
They're killing my SUV!
Why is Regis
Philbin trying to kill us?
Oh, my god.
BABAR: For god sake,
get off of him.
MEREDITH: Ow!
Stay away.
SHERYL: Stop it!
NATHAN: Guys, come on.
MEREDITH: Stop it.
SHERYL: Argh!
BABAR: Ow!
MEREDITH: Get off her!
Let go!
BABAR: Ahh!
That's my hair!
NATHAN: Fuck.
BABAR: You crazy bitch!
Nothing to hide
because nothing matters to us.
It's Peggy.
It's fucking Peggy!
13 years and I get this?
Peggy, no.
Wait!
This is not what it looks like.
Maybe this hasn't been the
perfect marriage, Dennis,
but I really don't
think I deserve you
fucking whoever that person is.
Not to mention trying
to fuck my best friend!
Ahh!
An eye for an eye, Dennis.
Isn't that your new
favorite saying?
Peggy!
This is not all my
fault. You know that.
Here's what I know.
I know we have only just begun.
[MUSIC - CARPENTERS, 'WE'VE ONLY
JUST BEGUN']
We've only
just begun to live.
White lace and promises.
A kiss for luck and
we're on our way.
We've only begun.
Before the rising sun, we fly.
So many roads to choose.
We'll start out walking
and learn to run.
And, yes, we've just begun.
Sharing horizons
that are new to us.
Watching the signs
along the way.
Oh, I. Talking it over,
just the two of us.
Working together day to day.
Together.
And when the evening
comes, we smile.
So much of life ahead.
We'll find a place where
there's room to grow.
And, yes, we've just begun.
Sharing horizons
that are new to us.
Watching the signs
along the way.
Oh, I. Talking it over,
just the two of us.
Working together day to day.
Together.
Ah!
Oh, what the hell
is wrong with you two?
I was here first,
you freakazoid.
Oh, wake up and
smell the orientation!
He doesn't even like boys!
You're going to
pay for this, Peggy.
Divorce papers, asshole.
I always knew you
were freaking nuts, just
like your whole
goddamned family.
CLAIRE: Come on, Peggy.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Fucker!
Do you mind telling me
who the fuck that was?
Who do you think?
You told me you were divorced.
Were, will be.
What difference
does it make, honey?
Well, it makes a
big difference to me.
Nothing works.
They took the keys.
Ah!
Ian!
Ian!
Would you sit down?
Sit down!
You lied to me.
I can't believe you lied to me.
Just stay calm, OK, honey?
I'll get us out of this.
JOYCE : Thank you
for calling Galaxy on Board.
My name is Joyce.
Joyce, this is Dennis.
I'm calling from McGiffin
Park in Los Angeles,
my SUV has been attacked,
and I'm trapped inside.
JOYCE :
You're having
trouble with your signal.
I'll need a customer number to--
I don't have my
customer policy number.
JOYCE :
I'm sorry, sir.
Company policy--
Joyce, don't give me your
corporate policy bullshit, OK?
I said I don't have the number.
JOYCE : I'm afraid
a customer number is required.
What are you, fucking deaf?
I just told you I don't have it.
Dennis, stop!
JOYCE :
I don't care
for your tone of voice, sir.
Joyce,
do me a favor, OK?
I don't give a shit if you
don't like my tone of voice.
Now, you're going
to get on the phone,
you're going to call the
cops, and if you don't, I'm
going to sue you and your
company so goddamn hard,
you're going to be
living off of food
stamps and government cheese for
the rest of your fucking life.
JOYCE : I just
need an ID number, sir.
I don't have it!
I don't fucking have it.
Jesus christ!
Do you fucking hear me?
I told you I don't fucking
have the fucking number!
Stop it!
Stop it!
I can't believe how good
that felt. Goddamn it.
It really, really did.
CLAIRE: What are you doing?
PEGGY: I want to watch.
CLAIRE: We'll watch
at home on the video.
We got to get out of here.
Why isn't it working?
I think it's the window.
Let's just do it my way!
No.
I don't think we should.
Why not?
Because there's always
a chance we'd survive
and then we'd have to
spend the rest of our lives
in a burn unit.
What happened?
I-- I think you
ran out of gas.
Oh, man.
Oh, god.
I am such a fucking loser,
I can't even kill myself.
Thought you said
you were over it?
Of course I said
I was over it.
It was the only way I
could get you to shut up.
So you are gay?
Oh, my god.
Duh!
I knew it.
Why couldn't you just tell me?
Because you
would have freaked.
I-- I'm not homophobic.
Oh, really?
Really?
Would we still have had our
little nudie rudie lunches?
See?
How do you think this
has been for me, Nate?
Try excruciating.
Spending all of
this time with, ah--
with someone I'm crazy about--
butt ass naked to boot.
But far be it from me to
impinge on planet Nathan.
You're so caught up in your
pseudo philosophical, Woodstock
hippie babble, you never
even once considered how
you might be making me feel.
You said you were
going buy me a house.
Argh.
You promised.
Ah, son of a bitch.
Ahh!
You said that you loved me.
You big-- ahh!
And you're some
kind of a saint, huh?
PEGGY: This isn't as
much fun as I thought.
Watching him just reminds me of
what a waste my life has been.
I applied to another
dating service.
They rejected me.
I guess we're both single now.
That makes it official.
Tried everything; personal
ads, pottery for dummies,
salsa for singles.
You know what I
finally realized, Peg?
I realized that big,
strong, nice smelling
Latin man with the
broad shoulders
and the gentle smile--
he ain't coming for me.
He still might.
Pfft.
Nah.
We're playing a zero
sum game here, Peg.
Searching for a pot
of relationship gold
while the fat little
relationship leprechauns
just laugh their asses off.
Mhm.
There's gotta be
something better out there.
Like what?
I already sent an
email to my family
telling them I was
going to do it.
If I don't go through with
it, they're just going
to be like, oh, you know April.
She never finishes anything.
We'll figure something out.
Do you promise?
I promise.
CLAIRE: I know it sounds
crazy but ever since she moved
into the building, it's like
this whole new world just
appeared.
She has all these
amazing friends,
and they go to all
these great bars,
and it's just got me thinking.
Peg, we already do
everything together.
We both love the Indigo Girls,
we've been to Lilith Fair twice
already.
Claire, are you suggesting
that we become lesbians?
Become, are-- I don't know.
I don't know.
But I've been reading that
some women are born that way,
but others end up
achieving lesbianism later.
Lesbians aren't lesbians
because they can't find a man,
they're lesbians because
they prefer women.
Well, maybe we
prefer women but we've
been conditioned to
deny it for so long
that we don't even know it.
So now we're stuck in some
pre-lesbian hell where we
can't ever get close to anyone.
Maybe that's why you
never felt like you
were making love with Dennis.
Maybe you stopped having
sex, Peg, because you
were having the wrong kind.
Claire, that's a horrible,
horrible, horrible idea.
Yeah.
Well, so is committing felony
vandalism in broad daylight,
but I went along with it.
Yeah.
Oh.
So many times people
turn they backs
to you because they don't want
to see what's inside of you.
Because looking inside of them,
they might realize we alone.
But something inside of them,
they might not want to find.
But it ain't about who you love.
Who you love.
No.
See, it's all about do you
love, do you love, do you love?
See, it ain't
about who you love.
Who you love.
No, no, no.
See, it's all about do you
love, do you love, do you love?
Well, well, well, well the sun
will shine on the ugliness.
Ain't nobody feeling
no ugliness tonight.
See, ain't it fine--
You've got to be kidding me.
MEREDITH: Gosh, silly me.
Here I thought such a massive
outbreak of dysfunction
would be a mess to clean up,
but the solution's so simple.
Just spark up a big old fatty.
Jesus, Meredith,
give it a rest.
Well, can't you
see he's oblivious?
He's like this, um--
this new age Johnny Appleweed
sowing his magic seeds of love.
Only he's so caught
up in his own trip,
he never even notices the
wreckage he's leaving behind.
DENNIS: Ah, jeez.
I told them to call the cops,
not a goddamn tow truck.
Sir, I'm not the one
who decides who they call.
Now, if you want to
tow, I can help you.
If not--
- Hey.
Take a look around.
We got a $50,000 SUV
and it's been destroyed.
Understand?
Now, I don't know if they
covered things like that
at the AAA towing academy, but
we need slightly more than a
goddamned tow here.
Dennis, stop being--
Shut it!
Shut it!
--such a shithead.
Shut it.
Sir, you've got
about five seconds
to overhaul your attitude
towards me and the young lady.
You got it?
Is that right?
Let's get something
straight here.
I paid for this vehicle,
which supposedly comes
with a state of the
art roadside service
that pays for your sorry ass.
So you either put
on your thinking cap
and find a way to get
us the hell out of here
or you climb back into
your little Tonka truck
and call one of the
big boys who can.
You got that?
Yeah.
I got it.
I'm sorry.
Sorry.
Oh, don't be.
Oh, no.
No, it's no good, Peg.
It's not natural.
How can you say that?
It was a bad idea, Peggy.
Let's just make like
it never happened.
OK?
I don't think I can.
Oh, my god.
This is so unfair!
I can't believe it.
It never even occurred to me.
DENNIS: Come on.
Move it.
Move it.
[MUSIC - STEPPENWOLF, "THE
PUSHER"]
You know, I've smoked
a lot of grass, oh, lord,
and I've popped a lot of pills.
But I never did touch nothing--
- Let's go, baby.
Let's go.
Come on.
Move it.
Come on.
You know, I see a lot
of people walking around here
with two stones in their eyes.
Hey!
You'd better not be leaving.
But of course you
don't care, child, if you live
or if you die.
Take it easy!
I'm taking my orders, sir.
I said goddamn it.
Goddamn it.
Argh.
Yeah, baby.
Yeah!
Ah, ah, ah.
Ladies first.
Be careful.
Move it, move it, move it.
Yeah, my man!
Ah, ah, ah ah.
Back it up, sugar drawers.
What for?
Because I said
so, that's what for.
Hey!
What are you doing?
You let me out of here
you son of a bitch.
Hey!
What the hell do you
think you're doing here?
Let me tell you something.
You're going to open
this door right now
or I'll call your boss.
I'll have your
sorry ass so fired.
You going to call my boss?
That's right.
Go ahead because
you looking at him.
Oh, you are so done.
You are so done.
I'm a lawyer.
I'm going to sue your
goddamn ass so hard,
it's going to make your
fucking head spin around.
You hear me, brother?
Do you see what
it say on my truck?
"Bonded and insured".
So I don't give a damn what
kind of punk ass lawyer you are.
You're right.
My insurance got 100 punk
ass lawyers just like you.
And from the looks
of it, it seems
like you done already
pissed somebody off,
but apparently you didn't
learn because now you done
went and pissed me off.
So as a public service
to you and anybody
else that cross
your sorry ass path,
me and Sheila, here, going
to teach you a little lesson.
What?
Ah!
What, are you out of
your fucking mind?
Uh-hu.
Ring the bell, class
is now in session.
The hell are you doing?
Today's lesson
is about courtesy.
You think just because you got
money, you can abuse people.
Hey!
You think that's what the good
Lord meant this world to be?
Yeah.
I'm so sick of you big
old SUV driving fools acting
like normal rules don't apply.
Like you can do whatever,
whenever,
however you want.
Let me tell you
something, bitch.
That ain't how it works.
Now, I done done your a favor--
gave you a little time
with your thoughts.
And if you are lucky, you'll
realize that your priorities
are all fucked up.
See it ain't all
about how much you got
or about how much you
can get away with.
It's about decency, forgiveness,
and love, you stupid
ass fatheaded mother fucker.
You got a tiny,
little dick, too.
I'll get you for
this-- both of you.
You hear me?
I swear to god.
I swear to god!
You know those bars that you
said the woman in your building
would go to?
I--
I don't believe you.
Well, it's not my
fault you didn't like it.
Oh, see.
And once again, it's
all about, Peggy.
What Peggy needs and
what Peggy wants.
Claire, I don't
know what I want.
All I know is that for the
first time in what feels like
forever, I'm finally
excited about what
might be possible
as opposed to being
depressed about what isn't.
Are you really going to sit
there and hold that against me?
Santa Monica Boulevard
between La Brea and Fairfax.
What's it look like?
Oh, it's a bar, Peg.
It's got a door.
If there any men inside,
you're at the wrong place.
OK?
What's it called?
I don't know.
I really don't know.
Want to help you out.
Let me see.
Um, Felt, um, Blush.
Something like a
free range shag--
something like that.
How the hell am I
supposed to know, Peggy?
Would you like me to make
a reservation for you?
Why don't you just
admit, you've been as
obsessed with him as we have?
Oh, please.
You've been riding
him since the day
he moved on to our team.
Because he's a slacker.
Try because you like him.
But it's a lot safer to sit
back and criticize than risk
being vulnerable, isn't it?
APRIL: Know what
I'm going to miss?
What?
Music.
Other people's, not mine.
And baths.
I'm going to miss the dogs.
I'm going to miss you.
Really?
Mm-hmm.
Me too.
I mean I'm going to
miss you, not me.
I knew
what you meant.
Oh.
Would you be upset
if I changed my mind?
I-- I--
I know.
I-- I feel the same way.
Oh.
What are we supposed to do now?
Well, we got to--
we got to hurl.
You mean like vomit?
Yeah.
Oh, no.
I-- I can't.
I mean, I can't make myself.
Me neither.
Argh!
Argh!
Open, you mother.
Open, you mother fucker.
Open!
KRYSTA:
Look, I'll tell you what.
Now, every Friday
I take my lunch
at the 64th Street Mission.
My momma does the cooking,
the food is good, it's free.
Only thing you'll have to do
is just listen to a little bit
of the word.
We can go pick you
up something to wear.
You're welcome to come.
No strings attached,
no expectations.
OK?
OK.
OK.
Son of a bitch.
You mother fucker.
Come back here,
you son of a bitch!
PEGGY: Hey, Dennis.
Catch!
APRIL: Oh, my god.
IAN: Sorry, sir.
APRIL: We're sorry.
IAN: It was an accident.
APRIL: Oh.
Do you think he's mad?
IAN: We-- we-- we
didn't mean it.
APRIL: I think he's mad.
I ain't going to
take this shit anymore.
Oh, god.
Hold the door.
APRIL: Oh, my god.
Not going to take this--
Oh, no.
Go.
I'm going
--shit anymore!
I'm sick of this
shit, son of a bitch.
Open this door.
Do you hear me?
So you admit to
having a crush?
Everyone else at
work is either married,
gay, or has open sores.
Oh, my god.
You are such a whore.
What
Oh, what did I do?
It's not my fault
everybody loves me.
Why is it so hard for you
to admit you like someone?
You know, because in
this case, I know better.
What's that supposed to mean?
It's like Babar said--
you're oblivious.
Only, I don't think it's
some cute space case thing.
I think it's your way
of dealing with the fact
that you are terrified of ever
having to get close to someone.
This is getting good.
You know, for
being so preachy,
I don't recall meeting
any of your boyfriends.
Men find my strength and
intelligence attractive--
at first, anyway.
But when it comes
to a relationship,
they inevitably find these
same qualities threatening.
And I'm sure it has
nothing to do with you being
unbearably pushy and insecure?
Hmm?
Do you have a point?
Or are you just
trying to be mean?
The point is if
you'd just drop
your verbal machete for five
seconds, you never know--
that guy might stick around.
He's right, you know.
If I was straight, and you
weren't so
I'd probably ask you out.
OK.
Well, my only point
was that fighting
the big, bad corporate boogeyman
might make the world a better
place but it's never
going to make you
feel whole until you
find someone to do
it with who's your equal--
not just an admirer.
Well, at least he doesn't
run around half naked attacking
pet grooming mobiles.
SHERYL: I've always
thought those things
looked kind of suspicious.
Trust me, you no idea.
APRIL: Is he going away?
IAN: Yeah.
Oh, Ian.
What if it's too late?
What do you mean?
What if enough of
it got into our system
and we're going to die anyway?
April--
What?
--we didn't drink flea dip.
What did we drink?
Puppy shampoo.
An Akita went nuts
and broke the bottle
so I had to pour it
into an old flea dip jug
so it wouldn't get wasted.
Are you mad?
No.
How did you know
I'd change my mind?
Well, I didn't.
I-- I mean believe me, I was
ready to do it to myself,
but I couldn't bear the thought
of having anything to do
with the world losing you.
Oh.
Like this is all my
fault. She's the one
that didn't want to have sex.
What kind of frickin' marriage
doesn't have sex, huh?
The bunch of bullshit kind.
A man needs sex
like he needs food.
He doesn't get food,
he gets hungry.
He gets hungry, he's going to
have to go out there and hunt.
Ahh!
Oh, my god.
Ahh!
Jesus!
Oh.
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.
Ahh!
What the-- oh!
Ohh, shit!
Holy rolling shit.
[MUSIC - INDIGO GIRLS, "CLOSER
TO FINE"]
I'm trying to tell
you something about my life.
Maybe give me insight
between black and white.
And the best thing
you've ever done for me
is to help me take my
life less seriously.
It's only life, after all.
Yeah.
Well, darkness has a
hunger that's insatiable.
And the lightness has a
call that's hard to hear.
I wrap my fear around
me like a blanket.
I'm crawling on your shores.
And I went to the doctor,
I went to the mountains,
I looked to the children,
I drank from the fountains.
There's more than one
answer to these questions,
pointing me in a crooked line.
And the less I seek my
source for some definitive,
the closer I am to fine.
The closer I am to fine.
Are you sure you're OK?
Yes.
For the last time, I'm fine.
If you don't mind, I'd just
prefer to be left alone.
OK?
Yeah, you just look like
you could use a little help.
That's all.
Yeah, I guess we didn't
realize helping you out
would be such an imposition.
Not at all.
This is how I prefer to
spend my lunch hour--
having my vehicle destroyed
by my psychotic fucking future
ex-wife and then being
condescended to by a bunch
of smug 20-somethings.
Dude, was there
something in this weed?
Or is this guy just like
the biggest cock bite ever?
MR. HABIB : Ian,
where in the name of hell
are you?
Ian.
Oh, for christ sake, jesus.
This is big dog.
Better cut out the bullshit.
Now, if somebody does not answer
me, I am going to be losing it.
Uh, sir, there's
been a slight delay.
MR. HABIB :
What do you mean, delay?
Uh-- Krysta left, sir.
But don't worry, I already
found a replacement.
MR. HABIB :
The hell you say she left.
Well-- well quit, actually.
But I met this girl and
she's looking for a job.
I'd be happy to
train her and-- and--
and she even said that
she could start today.
MR. HABIB : Is
this some kind of stupid fucking
American joke?
IAN: No, sir,
MR. HABIB : I
don't expect this from you, Ian.
You're my only employee who
isn't a slobbering monkey.
Uh, thank you, sir.
Like, I promise that I wouldn't
recommend her if I didn't
think that she was top notch.
MR. HABIB :
All right, fine.
But if this backfires
in my ass, eggs
will be sticking to your face.
Uh-- wh-- uh--
Yes, sir.
Over and out.
That was probably
the nicest thing anyone's ever
done for me in my entire life.
But you should know I
have a lot of issues.
So do I.
I even have issues
about my issues.
I know, right?
It's like when will
it ever fucking end?
[MUSIC - HERB ALPERT, "THIS
GUY'S IN LOVE WITH YOU"]
Oh, no.
Gracias.
But you should.
I don't know what
that meant, but OK.
How can I show you
I'm glad I got to know you
because I've heard some talk.
They say you think I'm fine.
This guy's in love.
Um-- uh-hu.
Uh-hu, yeah.
Yes, actually.
Actually, where-- yes.
Yes, thank you.
I'm fine.
Don't let me
be the last to know.
I say again, don't
let my heart keep breaking
because I need your love.
I want your love.
Say you're in love--
Um-- so I think I--
I owe you an apology,
you know, for going
um, totally psycho like I did.
It's no big deal.
And you know what's even more
humiliating is that I don't
think I even really meant it.
But-- but even that was
way more about me than--
than you.
Does that make any sense?
No.
Not really.
Well, I think I've just been
wanting to bust out for so long
and you just make being true
to yourself look so easy
that I just put all
this crazy desperation
inside of me onto you.
And then I guess
it all just came
exploding out like some kind of
just spastic hormonal volcano.
I'm sorry.
You know, the truth
is I actually believe
most of the crap that I say.
I know you do.
She really likes you, you know.
Really?
That's funny.
I mean she's got me pegged.
Basically, I'm just
an emotional moral.
Well, you've got her pegged.
She only plays the bitch
to protect herself.
So now that you know all of the
bad things about each other,
think about how much fun you'll
have discovering all the good.
[MUSIC - NIK KERSHAW, "HAVE A
NICE LIFE"]
Well, look at you
blowing all shiny and fresh.
Standing alone,
looking over the edge.
It's a long way down.
Damn it.
First time?
That obvious?
I nearly peed myself before
I get through the door.
To be honest, I'm
not even positively
sure I should even be here.
Well, think of it this way.
It's just a beer.
Just a beer.
Right.
Without the penis, of course
Right.
Miller Light-- no penis, please.
Who needs that thing, anyway?
OK.
Let's do this.
Look, why not just
tell the truth?
BABAR: You
mean like, um, hey.
Sorry about the super long lunch
but we were just sitting there
and next thing you know, we're
having this raging nudie fight
and getting baked.
Oh, and then we had to rescue
this total prick muncher
wearing these really
horrible ass pants.
IAN: What about your car?
APRIL: Just leave it.
IAN: Are you sure?
APRIL: I'm positive.
IAN: Oh, one more thing.
What they say about dogs
smelling fear is true.
Mental domination is the
key, except with cats.
Promise me you'll never try
to play mind games with a cat.
APRIL: Mhm.
I promise.
[MUSIC - NIK KERSHAW, "HAVE A
NICE LIFE"]
I love
you, my precious.
I love you, my son.
I'm sorry for all
the wrong things
that I've done in the past.
But it happened so fast.
It didn't quite
go as I'd planned.
And I hope to god one
day you'll understand.
And have a nice life.
Yeah.
Have a nice life.
Have a nice life.
Hope you find all
you're looking for.
I hope it goes well.
I hope it goes right for you.
Have a nice life.
Have it your way.
I hope you live
long and prosper.
I hope you get high.
I hope you get lucky
and find the right one.
The one love.
The right one.
[MUSIC - GRANDVILLE, "DISASTER
FIEND"]
Hey, you, making the
scene, plotting the scheme,
you know what's happening.
Hey, you, the devil-may-care
with passionate
flare but lonely
without despair.
And you, you're kerosene,
you're gasoline,
you're a disaster fiend.
Yeah, you.
You.
Hey, you, dropping the
clues, you're front page
news, no one left to accuse.
And you planting a
sprig, an old recipe,
a taste for catastrophe.
Yeah, you.
Doesn't seem so ordinary
to a simpleton like me.
But if you've come looking
for your fix, you may be--
In this chaos you've bathed,
and dried off unscathed,
and ready to misbehave.
And you, you're kerosene,
you're gasoline,
you're a disaster fiend.
Yeah, you.
You.
Doesn't seem so ordinary
to a simpleton like me.
But if you've come
looking for your fix,
may be you're in
the right place.
You may be in the right place.
Hey, you, making the
scene, plotting the scheme,
you know what's happening.
And you, you're kerosene,
you're gasoline,
you're a disaster fiend.
Yeah, you.
If you've come
here for your fix,
you've found the right place.
If you've come
here for your fix,
you've found the right place.
If you've come
here for your fix,
you've found the right place.
If you've come
here for your fix,
you've found the right place.
DOE"]
Put on your
coat, put on your hat,
and say goodbye to
your welcome mat.
Forget your bag,
forget yourself, forget
the lines you knew so well.
So brace yourself and open
up the door because it's
everybody for themselves.
Well, here we go.
Yeah.
Here we go.
You can't say yes,
you can't say no.
You lose your mind,
you lose your way,
you lose your temper every day.
And you wonder why you
always have to fight
for such an ordinary life.
Oh, shit.
Argh.
Son of a bitch!
[MUSIC - PINK MARTINI, "LET'S
NEVER STOP FALLING IN LOVE"]
I wish a falling
star could fall forever.
IAN: Wow.
Look at this.
And sparkle through
the clouds and stormy weather.
KRYSTA: I-- I don't want
to be by the other car
so just keep going.
Now left.
IAN: Down this road here?
KRYSTA: Yeah.
Yeah.
IAN: Gosh, if it wasn't
for all the smog,
I bet we could see
everything from up there.
Wow.
There's even more.
KRYSTA: Just keep going.
Hold me close and
whisper that you love me.
OK, now-- now left.
IAN: One left coming up.
And promise that
your dreams are only of me.
KRYSTA: Oh no.
No, no, no.
Go back
IAN: Huh?
KRYSTA: Over there.
IAN: Oh, sorry.
I thought you wanted
to park up there?
KRYSTA: No, no.
You can't park up there.
You have to park over there.
Always, I hope
that we follow the star
and be forever floating above.
I know a falling star
can't fall forever--
Here.
IAN: Right here?
KRYSTA: Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's good.
--but let's
never stop falling in love.
You know, for all the
years I've lived here,
I never even knew
this place existed.
Nobody does.
Uh, echo delta niner to big dog.
We are confirmed for a 10-100.
Repeat, echo delta
niner to big dog.
MR. HABIB :
for the sake of Christ.
Jesus, Ian, just say that
you're breaking for lunch.
Roger that.
Turn around.
OK?
Oh, sure.
Krysta?
Hmm?
I think there's
something you should know.
I asked Mr. Habib to make
you my permanent partner.
You like me that much, huh?
Well, there-- there's
something else, too.
This will probably come
as a surprise, but, well--
What the fuck?
Hi.
I'm sorry.
Hi.
I was wondering if you
might have some lubricant
that I could borrow?
Did you say lubricant?
Yeah.
Um, you know, like, WD-40,
or Vaseline, or some
other petroleum-based product.
I'm having trouble with my car.
Oh.
Hold on.
May I help you?
What do you know?
The all-purpose lubricant
just like you wanted.
I'll bring it right back.
Oh, that's all right.
You should probably
just keep it.
OK.
Yeah.
Thanks.
Woo, hoo, hoo.
Woo, hoo, hoo.
NATHAN: Welcome,
ladies, to the best
kept secret in Los Angeles.
A piece of land that
actually hasn't been turned
into a strip mall,
a gated community,
or a fast food restaurant.
Mary
bought a Cadillac.
BABAR: But we always
park at the top.
NATHAN: All the more reason
to try something different.
BABAR: We usually
park up at the top.
NATHAN: True.
But we have guests with
us today and I, for one,
think that the
least we can do is
show them something
a little more
interesting than the usual.
Here we are.
This is it?
This is it.
NATHAN: Uh, guys.
Actually, we usually
just stay in the van.
You bring your lunch to a
park but you stay in the van?
Uh, that's right.
OK.
A little odd but OK.
MERIDITH: Of course they
didn't mark any of these.
Uh, who
Oh, that's for Sher.
I don't know if I can do this.
We have trouble
trying new things.
That's not true.
Ah.
Well, you got to try
new things, Sheryl.
I mean, that's the best
part of life and besides,
it's a well-known fact
that sushi is the secret
to Japanese longevity.
I mean, they eat
tons of this stuff
and they live way
longer than anybody
else in the entire world.
Fucking shit!
What was that?
I-- I don't know.
A
It sounded like a gunshot.
Yeah, of course
it was a gunshot.
This is LA; it's like
background music.
Where the hell are we, anyway?
Uh, McGiffin Park.
One of the few
places in LA where
you can actually be left alone.
No gangs, no homeless.
No cops.
Mhm.
Oh, my god.
This is the best hirame.
You guys have to taste this.
Uh, Meridith?
Mm
Um, we usually like to say
a few words before we start.
Are you serious?
Oh, my god.
Your totally serious.
I usually like to start
with a moment of silence.
No.
Mother fucking son of a bitch!
Jesus christ!
Oh kind and gentle spirit,
non-gender or race specific
other, we ask you that the lives
of our aquatic friends were not
spent in vain, but rather
that their nutrients give us
strength to rise above
the shallow pursuits
of the material world
so that we can embrace
each other in a collective
oneness of peace,
unity, and friendship.
You know what I
was saying before?
Yeah, you want to
be regular partners.
Oh, I do.
I do.
But, uh-- Well, I guess there's
no real easy way to say this.
I-- I don't have an enormous
am-- amount of experience
with women.
I know, Ripley's
Believe It or Not.
But, well, at
first I thought I--
I was waiting for-- for the
right girl but then she, uh--
she never really showed up.
Um-- but then you came along.
And now that you're going
to all this trouble, I--
I just thought that well--
Ian, why did you think I
wanted to come here with you?
Well, it's a
little em-- embarrassing
to-- to say out loud, but, um--
did I mention that
I play the piano?
I-- I wrote a song for you.
You did?
IAN: From a
cold and distant land,
oh, oh, she came a rolling.
It was the land known as Poland.
Now my gentle heart
she's stolen--
--like a run away--
Ian, did you think I wanted to
come here to make love to you?
No.
Ian, that's so sweet,
but you're a dog groomer.
So are you.
Yeah, but for me,
it's just temporary.
Ian, put yourself in my shoes.
Uh, you shampoo dogs, you live
with your parents, and you,
uh, read books like "21 Days."
"Guaranteed Sex in 21 Days."
It's guaranteed sex appeal.
You see it says
right here "appeal."
Hmm.
And on top of that, your hair--
doing, doing.
I mean, what's
going on in there?
You said you liked me.
I-- I liked working
with you, Ian.
I mean, who wouldn't?
You do everything.
OK.
Let me explain something to you.
Life is like a pyramid.
The better looking you are,
the more money you have,
the closer to the top you are.
That is how life works.
The sooner you realize
that, the less time
will be wasting
trying to date someone
not on same level as you.
And I suppose you're right
up there at the top, huh?
Ian, just the same way
you have every right to date
someone on the same level
of the pyramid as you,
I have every right
to date someone
on the same level as me.
Oh yeah?
Like who?
[MUSIC - LOVERBOY, "TAKE ME TO
THE TOP"]
Here's looking at you.
What do you think--
100% top of the pyramid.
I'll be back in 30 minutes.
Because I have to
do the things I have to do.
What's a poor boy to do when
he's fallen in love with you?
Help me make it
through the night.
Everything's going
to be all right.
Yeah.
CLAIRE: Are you sure
you want to do this?
PEGGY: Am I sure
want to do what?
I mean, maybe they're
just really close friends
and he's afraid to
tell you because he
doesn't think you'd understand.
PEGGY: Yeah, maybe you're right.
Maybe she is just a really good
friend who just happens to look
like a disease-infected whore.
Oh, my.
She really does
look like a whore.
Help me make
it through the night.
Everything's going
to be all right.
You ordered a maid?
Your late.
I am sorry.
You're a bad little
maid, now aren't you?
I am not so good
at cleaning either.
I am dirty.
Very, very dirty.
I brought some supplies.
Excellent.
And a little
something for you.
Oh, yeah.
Mm-hmm.
I got a little
something for you, too.
Yes?
You know, the sooner
you put these on,
the sooner I can get started.
BABAR: Mhm.
So good.
I swear sometimes I think
sushi is better than sex.
What?
OK.
The thing is, you guys
have been sneaking off
on your little lunches
for a while now
and every time you come back
your clothes are all wrinkled,
so it's pretty obvious
what's going on.
And we just want you to know
we're totally OK with it.
And you might feel like you need
to pretend with other people
at work but you totally
don't have to with us.
And that's the only reason why
we insisted on coming to lunch
with you guys today
because we just want you
to know we are so OK with it.
Of course, Sher had, like, the
major stalker crush on you.
Meridith.
No, it's OK, Sher.
We talked about it.
No we didn't talk
about talking about it.
But we agreed it
wasn't a big deal.
Well, it's not.
Anywho, now that
it's just out there
and you guys don't have
to fake it anymore,
we can all just be who we are.
Meridith, we're not
gay, we're nudists.
Hi, again.
Hi.
I-- um, I'm still having
trouble with my car.
Oh, uh-- I--
I'm, uh.
I'm-- I'm afraid I'm
not very mechanical.
Oh, it's OK.
You know, I just really--
I need a hose of some kind.
Um, do you have
anything like that?
Um, are
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I'm fine.
I mean, you know,
the whole car thing.
I mean, it's just kind
of upsetting, you know.
I mean, you finally get one that
you think you can depend on,
you know, and suddenly you
think your whole life's
going to be so much
better because it's
going to be like the others.
But, uh, the next
thing you know, they're
having sex with your roommate
and selling naked pictures
of you all over the internet.
Hold-- hold on.
I'll be right back.
We use this when we have
to wash a dog outside--
and cats, too.
Although, we don't get
many cats, actually.
I don't know if you've
ever tried to shampoo a cat
but it's kind of a nightmare.
OK.
Thank you.
MERIDITH: So you're telling
us, for the past three months,
you've been sneaking
off just so you
can take of all your clothes
and stare at each other?
Well, we don't stare at each
other but, essentially, yes.
You are so phenomenally gay.
No, we're not.
Oh, come on.
Babar, please.
He's right.
OK, nudists go
to nudist colonies,
they don't perv out in a
van in some random park.
Why can't two men be
naked with each other
without it instantly
becoming sexual?
Because you're gay.
Meredith, nudism--
it-- it isn't about titillation,
it's about rejecting
a completely artificial taboo.
By staring at each
other's meat puppets.
Would you let him finish!
Thank you.
Clothes are a straight jacket.
I mean, all they do
is perpetuate shame.
I mean, really,
what do you think
casual Fridays are all about?
I mean, even after centuries
of conditioning, you--
you still feel that
this suffocating
uniform that they make you
wear just isn't natural.
So
Once a week they let you
dress down in the hope
that it will anesthetize
our most basic human need--
the need to be free.
Do you know what I think?
I think you're full of shit,
totally and completely.
Oh, my god, you guys.
Come on.
I've never seen so much
leather in my whole life.
That's right, baby.
100% grade A American cowhide.
Not to mention,
shatterproof windows,
push button roadside assistance,
and a 26-speaker Bose
audio system.
Argh!
Come on, you stubborn
old Nazi piece of shit.
Oh, hi.
Have a nice day.
Oh.
PEGGY: I just can't
believe he's doing this.
CLAIRE: Peg, And I'm
going to ask you something
and I don't want
you to get mad, OK?
How would you categorize
Dennis size
What do you mean?
I mean how does he stack
up against other men?
Are you talking
about his penis?
Yes.
He's average, I guess.
I'm not exactly the
world's leading expert.
Maybe he's a little undersized.
I know he's always
insecure about it
but I thought all men were
insecure about their size.
So would you say
he has a small penis?
Smallish, I guess.
Why on Earth are
you asking me this?
Well, I was only a psych
major for a semester,
but this just seems like a
classic case of Freud 101.
OK.
A man has a penile insecurity
complex so he compensates
for it by buying a
big, throbbing truck
and then going out and finding
some cheap sleazy slut.
But everyone I know says
Freud was full of shit.
The overall length
of the vehicle
is 18 feet 9 and a half inches.
I can't even fit it
in to most garages.
The overall width
of the vehicle
is 6 feet, 7 and 3/4 inch.
And you want every inch
of it don't you, baby?
You know what else I want?
I want this to be our
last time in the truck.
It's not a truck, it's a
luxury sports utility vehicle.
Well then, I want this to
be our last time in the luxury
sport utility vehicle.
It will, baby.
It will.
I promise you.
You said that before.
Honey, come on!
You know how much I like this.
OK!
OK!
You're nudists.
Whatever.
We believe you.
No, no you don't.
You know what?
You're right.
And as a matter of
fact, I think you're
going to a hell of a lot of
trouble in a, truthfully,
sad kind of way to
hide something you have
absolutely no need to hide.
Hmph.
Sheryl?
Yes?
Do you think that we're going
to hell of a lot of trouble
in a truthfully,
absolutely, sad kind of way
to hide something that we
have absolutely no need to?
Thank you.
Behold the glory
of my manhead.
Oh, my god.
I think someone is ready
for the glove of love.
Oh, yeah.
But first, promise me this
is our last time in the park.
I promise.
Why?
Because, baby.
Because why?
Because, baby, I love you.
Awh, do you really?
You know I do.
Awh.
Then prove it to me.
OK.
Oh!
Good god.
Oh.
Oh!
Fuck.
Fuck!
Fuck!
Fuck!
Fuck!
--me.
Who's your daddy?
- Fuck!
- --me
- Say it.
- Fuck!
- --me.
- Say it!
Fuck!
--me harder, you
big strapping circus
freak of a man with a dick
like a giant Budweiser horse!
PEGGY: What happened
in my life, Claire?
I mean, you grow up,
get a job, get married
just like you're
supposed to, and what
do I have to show for it?
My husband cornpoling some
underage tart in a park.
It's not your fault, Peg.
How do you know?
How could this
possibly be your fault?
Because we stopped
having sex over a year ago!
MEREDITH: Tell me you're
not looking, Sher.
BABAR: Oh, she's looking.
I don't believe this.
Meridith, you're the only
one making a big deal of this.
I've seen a penis
before, Nathan.
I bet you have.
All the more reason
to accept that this
is our natural state; the
way that we were meant to be.
OK.
Fine.
Fine.
Hello?
Oh, my god.
I cannot even believe
that I'm sitting here.
Hi, again.
Take, take, take.
That's me.
Um, if I could just borrow
a lighter this time,
I swear that'll be it.
I'm having a bit of
a nic
Oh, yeah.
Sure.
My girlfriend usually has one.
IAN: Oh, look.
Here's one.
Oh, great.
Thanks.
IAN: You really shouldn't,
you know, smoke.
It's bad for you in
like 17 different ways.
I'll keep that in mind.
IAN: Don't.
Oh, what?
Go away!
Go away!
OK.
Go ahead.
No!
Than neither am I?
Now, for god sake, just do it.
No!
No!
PEGGY: I can't do this.
Peg, you made me swear I
wouldn't let you chicken out.
I never loved him, Claire.
So?
So what right do I
have to even be angry?
Oh, gee, I don't know.
Maybe because he's lying
and cheating on you?
So what if you haven't
had sex in a year.
Your vows didn't say "till
death do us part unless we
go 12 months without a screw."
I just don't care anymore.
He tried to sleep with me.
He said he didn't think it
was natural for a man to have
to go so long without it.
But Dennis hates you.
I know.
He also said that if I
moved around a little,
it would be the best sex
he'd had since he was single.
He shouldn't have done that.
Peg, I am sure you
are a very vibrant
and dynamic lover
when you want to be.
Claire, I'm not
talking about that.
You're my best friend.
Our relationship means
more to me than anything.
He knows that.
Maybe that's why he did it?
Of course that's
why he did it.
Put that on.
What?
Just because?
That's the best you can do?
What do you want?
Some kind of
detailed explanation?
Uh-hu.
Yes!
Well, why don't
you give me one?
Because I was here first.
I could tell you my reasons
but if I did and you didn't,
then I'd just be getting the
shit end of the stick again
and, frankly, I've had enough
of the shit end of the stick.
DENNIS: Give it to me
KRYSTA: Yes!
I am giving it to you.
DENNIS: Oh, yeah.
Louder!
KRYSTA: The
is 146.8 feet.
It is the biggest
interior in it's class.
DENNIS: That is big.
KRYSTA: Yeah.
It's big.
It's so very, very big.
DENNIS: Oh, no, no, no.
Pick a different store, baby.
KRYSTA: It has a towing
capacity of about 50,000 pounds.
DENNIS: Yeah, it
turns real nice!
Yeah!
It has a 375
horsepower engine.
DENNIS: Engine!
KRYSTA: And over last
six years in a row,
it has rated number
one in the
by powered engine.
DENNIS: Ah!
Oh, yeah
KRYSTA: Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Who came up with the
idea that we should
be ashamed of our bodies?
I'm not ashamed of my body.
Then why do you hide it?
- Everybody does.
- Yeah.
But that doesn't make
it right, does it?
By making our natural state
a crime, all we're doing
is creating a society of
individuals so ashamed
of themselves that they
walk around petrified
that one day the
world might actually
see who they really are.
You know, anytime you want
to jump and, Sher, feel free.
- Well, I think he's right.
- Tell me your joking.
I told you this would happen.
Meredith, Babar didn't think
you'd be able to handle it.
Oh, really?
NATHAN: It's not a
judgment, Meredith.
Oh, bullshit it's not.
Let's just forget
the whole thing.
MEREDITH: No, please.
You guys act like you're
curing cancer here.
Anybody can nude up,
but you're like, oh,
we are so progressive,
you couldn't
even begin to understand us.
This is why we
never invited you.
See?
Because we knew you'd wig.
Oh, now I'm wigging?
God, I swear this
is just like work.
You guys sit around with your
holier than thou attitudes
acting like, oh,
we're programmers,
we're so much smarter than you.
And now here you are again
with you patronize attitudes
thinking your
little nudie lunches
are so incredibly
enlightened, us
little feeble-minded chicks
couldn't even possibly begin
to understand you.
Maybe she's the deformed.
Oh, fuck off, Babar.
Meredith, there's no
need to justify your fear.
My fear?
You think I'm afraid?
Can we please just go?
No.
I'm sorry, but um, I can
handle anything you guys
can and one hell of a lot more.
Wait.
It's OK, Sher.
I'm just going to prove a point.
It may be an
incredibly stupid one
but I'm going to
prove it anyway.
Well, maybe I want
to prove a point, too.
Hmph.
Men.
100,000 years of
coexistence and you
still think you're the
only ones with balls.
KRYSTA: You are a monster!
DENNIS: A gigantic
I'm fucking gigantic!
I mean, I have tried having
a job and being normal and it--
it just doesn't work.
And, like, I mean, I've
trying being abnormal too--
you know, like the
creationism, stuff like that--
but I pretty much
sucked at all that.
So I though well, you
know, what the hell.
I mean, the only thing I've
ever really wanted to do
was make music.
Oh, it smells
really bad in here, doesn't it?
Actually, I like
the smell of gas.
Anyway-- and so I just
thought well, who knows.
Maybe I'll be good
and then it won't
matter that I'm not pretty.
Well, you're not not pretty.
Please, do not
try to cheer me up.
And that way, I could
just play my music
and I could forget about men
because I am just
not cut out for that either.
I mean, I don't know
how many relationships
it took me to learn that "I love
you" does not mean I love you.
No.
It's guy lingo for enjoy
it while it lasts bitch
because tomorrow
I'm going to take
a big, fat, hairy dump right
in the middle of your face.
Do you want to hear my demo?
Sure.
APRIL : You!
Oh, you.
I try to love you but you
only love me so that I
would buy you cigarettes.
You dick!
You!
Oh, you!
You told me I was great.
But you changed your mind when
you came to find my flat chest.
You dick!
You!
Oh, you!
You said you liked my friend.
You said she was cool,
then you fucked her!
Oh.
I knew it was bad,
but I never thought
it would make someone cry.
What if somebody
calls the cops?
I don't give a shit.
No one knows who we are.
By the time a cop shows
up, we'll be long gone.
You said to bring
something sharp.
That's a potato peeler.
It's Williams-Sonoma.
Ugh!
Here.
Sweet jesus, Peggy.
Claire, I need you to focus.
This isn't just for me,
this is for all the women
out there who have been
lied to and cheated on
by some insensitive
asshole, like Dennis.
Am I right?
Yes.
Claire, I need you to say it.
Yes.
Am I right?
Yes, Peggy you are right.
So what's your story?
Well, I'm 36, I live with
my parents, and I wear a wig.
APRIL: I don't get it.
Women don't find
me attractive.
Oh, no.
Why do you wear a wig?
There's nothing
wrong with your hair.
Oh, uh, there
was this self-help
book that I was reading--
the last chapter's called
"Desperate Measures."
You know, there's a
better way to do this.
Sher, are you OK?
NATHAN: Sheryl?
This is supposed to be
an uplifting, liberating
experience.
If it doesn't feel
right, don't do it.
Well, there it is.
We are naked, you're naked.
Big fucking deal.
Progress.
Progress!
Progress!
Progress.
[MUSIC - THE CHELSEA SMILES,
"NOWHERE RIDE"]
What the fuck?
I love you, Nathan.
NATHAN: Sheryl, no.
Oh, my god.
NATHAN: Oh, god that's cold.
What's happening?
Argh!
What the-- jesus christ.
I have do me.
KRYSTA: Oh!
Ahh!
What's happening, Dennis?
DENNIS: Oh, my god.
What is happening?
Argh!
Hmph.
DENNIS: Where are the keys?
It's just like the old
days in the hooker town.
Get in the back!
Get in the back!
Ow!
Damn!
They're killing my SUV!
Why is Regis
Philbin trying to kill us?
Oh, my god.
BABAR: For god sake,
get off of him.
MEREDITH: Ow!
Stay away.
SHERYL: Stop it!
NATHAN: Guys, come on.
MEREDITH: Stop it.
SHERYL: Argh!
BABAR: Ow!
MEREDITH: Get off her!
Let go!
BABAR: Ahh!
That's my hair!
NATHAN: Fuck.
BABAR: You crazy bitch!
Nothing to hide
because nothing matters to us.
It's Peggy.
It's fucking Peggy!
13 years and I get this?
Peggy, no.
Wait!
This is not what it looks like.
Maybe this hasn't been the
perfect marriage, Dennis,
but I really don't
think I deserve you
fucking whoever that person is.
Not to mention trying
to fuck my best friend!
Ahh!
An eye for an eye, Dennis.
Isn't that your new
favorite saying?
Peggy!
This is not all my
fault. You know that.
Here's what I know.
I know we have only just begun.
[MUSIC - CARPENTERS, 'WE'VE ONLY
JUST BEGUN']
We've only
just begun to live.
White lace and promises.
A kiss for luck and
we're on our way.
We've only begun.
Before the rising sun, we fly.
So many roads to choose.
We'll start out walking
and learn to run.
And, yes, we've just begun.
Sharing horizons
that are new to us.
Watching the signs
along the way.
Oh, I. Talking it over,
just the two of us.
Working together day to day.
Together.
And when the evening
comes, we smile.
So much of life ahead.
We'll find a place where
there's room to grow.
And, yes, we've just begun.
Sharing horizons
that are new to us.
Watching the signs
along the way.
Oh, I. Talking it over,
just the two of us.
Working together day to day.
Together.
Ah!
Oh, what the hell
is wrong with you two?
I was here first,
you freakazoid.
Oh, wake up and
smell the orientation!
He doesn't even like boys!
You're going to
pay for this, Peggy.
Divorce papers, asshole.
I always knew you
were freaking nuts, just
like your whole
goddamned family.
CLAIRE: Come on, Peggy.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Fucker!
Do you mind telling me
who the fuck that was?
Who do you think?
You told me you were divorced.
Were, will be.
What difference
does it make, honey?
Well, it makes a
big difference to me.
Nothing works.
They took the keys.
Ah!
Ian!
Ian!
Would you sit down?
Sit down!
You lied to me.
I can't believe you lied to me.
Just stay calm, OK, honey?
I'll get us out of this.
JOYCE : Thank you
for calling Galaxy on Board.
My name is Joyce.
Joyce, this is Dennis.
I'm calling from McGiffin
Park in Los Angeles,
my SUV has been attacked,
and I'm trapped inside.
JOYCE :
You're having
trouble with your signal.
I'll need a customer number to--
I don't have my
customer policy number.
JOYCE :
I'm sorry, sir.
Company policy--
Joyce, don't give me your
corporate policy bullshit, OK?
I said I don't have the number.
JOYCE : I'm afraid
a customer number is required.
What are you, fucking deaf?
I just told you I don't have it.
Dennis, stop!
JOYCE :
I don't care
for your tone of voice, sir.
Joyce,
do me a favor, OK?
I don't give a shit if you
don't like my tone of voice.
Now, you're going
to get on the phone,
you're going to call the
cops, and if you don't, I'm
going to sue you and your
company so goddamn hard,
you're going to be
living off of food
stamps and government cheese for
the rest of your fucking life.
JOYCE : I just
need an ID number, sir.
I don't have it!
I don't fucking have it.
Jesus christ!
Do you fucking hear me?
I told you I don't fucking
have the fucking number!
Stop it!
Stop it!
I can't believe how good
that felt. Goddamn it.
It really, really did.
CLAIRE: What are you doing?
PEGGY: I want to watch.
CLAIRE: We'll watch
at home on the video.
We got to get out of here.
Why isn't it working?
I think it's the window.
Let's just do it my way!
No.
I don't think we should.
Why not?
Because there's always
a chance we'd survive
and then we'd have to
spend the rest of our lives
in a burn unit.
What happened?
I-- I think you
ran out of gas.
Oh, man.
Oh, god.
I am such a fucking loser,
I can't even kill myself.
Thought you said
you were over it?
Of course I said
I was over it.
It was the only way I
could get you to shut up.
So you are gay?
Oh, my god.
Duh!
I knew it.
Why couldn't you just tell me?
Because you
would have freaked.
I-- I'm not homophobic.
Oh, really?
Really?
Would we still have had our
little nudie rudie lunches?
See?
How do you think this
has been for me, Nate?
Try excruciating.
Spending all of
this time with, ah--
with someone I'm crazy about--
butt ass naked to boot.
But far be it from me to
impinge on planet Nathan.
You're so caught up in your
pseudo philosophical, Woodstock
hippie babble, you never
even once considered how
you might be making me feel.
You said you were
going buy me a house.
Argh.
You promised.
Ah, son of a bitch.
Ahh!
You said that you loved me.
You big-- ahh!
And you're some
kind of a saint, huh?
PEGGY: This isn't as
much fun as I thought.
Watching him just reminds me of
what a waste my life has been.
I applied to another
dating service.
They rejected me.
I guess we're both single now.
That makes it official.
Tried everything; personal
ads, pottery for dummies,
salsa for singles.
You know what I
finally realized, Peg?
I realized that big,
strong, nice smelling
Latin man with the
broad shoulders
and the gentle smile--
he ain't coming for me.
He still might.
Pfft.
Nah.
We're playing a zero
sum game here, Peg.
Searching for a pot
of relationship gold
while the fat little
relationship leprechauns
just laugh their asses off.
Mhm.
There's gotta be
something better out there.
Like what?
I already sent an
email to my family
telling them I was
going to do it.
If I don't go through with
it, they're just going
to be like, oh, you know April.
She never finishes anything.
We'll figure something out.
Do you promise?
I promise.
CLAIRE: I know it sounds
crazy but ever since she moved
into the building, it's like
this whole new world just
appeared.
She has all these
amazing friends,
and they go to all
these great bars,
and it's just got me thinking.
Peg, we already do
everything together.
We both love the Indigo Girls,
we've been to Lilith Fair twice
already.
Claire, are you suggesting
that we become lesbians?
Become, are-- I don't know.
I don't know.
But I've been reading that
some women are born that way,
but others end up
achieving lesbianism later.
Lesbians aren't lesbians
because they can't find a man,
they're lesbians because
they prefer women.
Well, maybe we
prefer women but we've
been conditioned to
deny it for so long
that we don't even know it.
So now we're stuck in some
pre-lesbian hell where we
can't ever get close to anyone.
Maybe that's why you
never felt like you
were making love with Dennis.
Maybe you stopped having
sex, Peg, because you
were having the wrong kind.
Claire, that's a horrible,
horrible, horrible idea.
Yeah.
Well, so is committing felony
vandalism in broad daylight,
but I went along with it.
Yeah.
Oh.
So many times people
turn they backs
to you because they don't want
to see what's inside of you.
Because looking inside of them,
they might realize we alone.
But something inside of them,
they might not want to find.
But it ain't about who you love.
Who you love.
No.
See, it's all about do you
love, do you love, do you love?
See, it ain't
about who you love.
Who you love.
No, no, no.
See, it's all about do you
love, do you love, do you love?
Well, well, well, well the sun
will shine on the ugliness.
Ain't nobody feeling
no ugliness tonight.
See, ain't it fine--
You've got to be kidding me.
MEREDITH: Gosh, silly me.
Here I thought such a massive
outbreak of dysfunction
would be a mess to clean up,
but the solution's so simple.
Just spark up a big old fatty.
Jesus, Meredith,
give it a rest.
Well, can't you
see he's oblivious?
He's like this, um--
this new age Johnny Appleweed
sowing his magic seeds of love.
Only he's so caught
up in his own trip,
he never even notices the
wreckage he's leaving behind.
DENNIS: Ah, jeez.
I told them to call the cops,
not a goddamn tow truck.
Sir, I'm not the one
who decides who they call.
Now, if you want to
tow, I can help you.
If not--
- Hey.
Take a look around.
We got a $50,000 SUV
and it's been destroyed.
Understand?
Now, I don't know if they
covered things like that
at the AAA towing academy, but
we need slightly more than a
goddamned tow here.
Dennis, stop being--
Shut it!
Shut it!
--such a shithead.
Shut it.
Sir, you've got
about five seconds
to overhaul your attitude
towards me and the young lady.
You got it?
Is that right?
Let's get something
straight here.
I paid for this vehicle,
which supposedly comes
with a state of the
art roadside service
that pays for your sorry ass.
So you either put
on your thinking cap
and find a way to get
us the hell out of here
or you climb back into
your little Tonka truck
and call one of the
big boys who can.
You got that?
Yeah.
I got it.
I'm sorry.
Sorry.
Oh, don't be.
Oh, no.
No, it's no good, Peg.
It's not natural.
How can you say that?
It was a bad idea, Peggy.
Let's just make like
it never happened.
OK?
I don't think I can.
Oh, my god.
This is so unfair!
I can't believe it.
It never even occurred to me.
DENNIS: Come on.
Move it.
Move it.
[MUSIC - STEPPENWOLF, "THE
PUSHER"]
You know, I've smoked
a lot of grass, oh, lord,
and I've popped a lot of pills.
But I never did touch nothing--
- Let's go, baby.
Let's go.
Come on.
Move it.
Come on.
You know, I see a lot
of people walking around here
with two stones in their eyes.
Hey!
You'd better not be leaving.
But of course you
don't care, child, if you live
or if you die.
Take it easy!
I'm taking my orders, sir.
I said goddamn it.
Goddamn it.
Argh.
Yeah, baby.
Yeah!
Ah, ah, ah.
Ladies first.
Be careful.
Move it, move it, move it.
Yeah, my man!
Ah, ah, ah ah.
Back it up, sugar drawers.
What for?
Because I said
so, that's what for.
Hey!
What are you doing?
You let me out of here
you son of a bitch.
Hey!
What the hell do you
think you're doing here?
Let me tell you something.
You're going to open
this door right now
or I'll call your boss.
I'll have your
sorry ass so fired.
You going to call my boss?
That's right.
Go ahead because
you looking at him.
Oh, you are so done.
You are so done.
I'm a lawyer.
I'm going to sue your
goddamn ass so hard,
it's going to make your
fucking head spin around.
You hear me, brother?
Do you see what
it say on my truck?
"Bonded and insured".
So I don't give a damn what
kind of punk ass lawyer you are.
You're right.
My insurance got 100 punk
ass lawyers just like you.
And from the looks
of it, it seems
like you done already
pissed somebody off,
but apparently you didn't
learn because now you done
went and pissed me off.
So as a public service
to you and anybody
else that cross
your sorry ass path,
me and Sheila, here, going
to teach you a little lesson.
What?
Ah!
What, are you out of
your fucking mind?
Uh-hu.
Ring the bell, class
is now in session.
The hell are you doing?
Today's lesson
is about courtesy.
You think just because you got
money, you can abuse people.
Hey!
You think that's what the good
Lord meant this world to be?
Yeah.
I'm so sick of you big
old SUV driving fools acting
like normal rules don't apply.
Like you can do whatever,
whenever,
however you want.
Let me tell you
something, bitch.
That ain't how it works.
Now, I done done your a favor--
gave you a little time
with your thoughts.
And if you are lucky, you'll
realize that your priorities
are all fucked up.
See it ain't all
about how much you got
or about how much you
can get away with.
It's about decency, forgiveness,
and love, you stupid
ass fatheaded mother fucker.
You got a tiny,
little dick, too.
I'll get you for
this-- both of you.
You hear me?
I swear to god.
I swear to god!
You know those bars that you
said the woman in your building
would go to?
I--
I don't believe you.
Well, it's not my
fault you didn't like it.
Oh, see.
And once again, it's
all about, Peggy.
What Peggy needs and
what Peggy wants.
Claire, I don't
know what I want.
All I know is that for the
first time in what feels like
forever, I'm finally
excited about what
might be possible
as opposed to being
depressed about what isn't.
Are you really going to sit
there and hold that against me?
Santa Monica Boulevard
between La Brea and Fairfax.
What's it look like?
Oh, it's a bar, Peg.
It's got a door.
If there any men inside,
you're at the wrong place.
OK?
What's it called?
I don't know.
I really don't know.
Want to help you out.
Let me see.
Um, Felt, um, Blush.
Something like a
free range shag--
something like that.
How the hell am I
supposed to know, Peggy?
Would you like me to make
a reservation for you?
Why don't you just
admit, you've been as
obsessed with him as we have?
Oh, please.
You've been riding
him since the day
he moved on to our team.
Because he's a slacker.
Try because you like him.
But it's a lot safer to sit
back and criticize than risk
being vulnerable, isn't it?
APRIL: Know what
I'm going to miss?
What?
Music.
Other people's, not mine.
And baths.
I'm going to miss the dogs.
I'm going to miss you.
Really?
Mm-hmm.
Me too.
I mean I'm going to
miss you, not me.
I knew
what you meant.
Oh.
Would you be upset
if I changed my mind?
I-- I--
I know.
I-- I feel the same way.
Oh.
What are we supposed to do now?
Well, we got to--
we got to hurl.
You mean like vomit?
Yeah.
Oh, no.
I-- I can't.
I mean, I can't make myself.
Me neither.
Argh!
Argh!
Open, you mother.
Open, you mother fucker.
Open!
KRYSTA:
Look, I'll tell you what.
Now, every Friday
I take my lunch
at the 64th Street Mission.
My momma does the cooking,
the food is good, it's free.
Only thing you'll have to do
is just listen to a little bit
of the word.
We can go pick you
up something to wear.
You're welcome to come.
No strings attached,
no expectations.
OK?
OK.
OK.
Son of a bitch.
You mother fucker.
Come back here,
you son of a bitch!
PEGGY: Hey, Dennis.
Catch!
APRIL: Oh, my god.
IAN: Sorry, sir.
APRIL: We're sorry.
IAN: It was an accident.
APRIL: Oh.
Do you think he's mad?
IAN: We-- we-- we
didn't mean it.
APRIL: I think he's mad.
I ain't going to
take this shit anymore.
Oh, god.
Hold the door.
APRIL: Oh, my god.
Not going to take this--
Oh, no.
Go.
I'm going
--shit anymore!
I'm sick of this
shit, son of a bitch.
Open this door.
Do you hear me?
So you admit to
having a crush?
Everyone else at
work is either married,
gay, or has open sores.
Oh, my god.
You are such a whore.
What
Oh, what did I do?
It's not my fault
everybody loves me.
Why is it so hard for you
to admit you like someone?
You know, because in
this case, I know better.
What's that supposed to mean?
It's like Babar said--
you're oblivious.
Only, I don't think it's
some cute space case thing.
I think it's your way
of dealing with the fact
that you are terrified of ever
having to get close to someone.
This is getting good.
You know, for
being so preachy,
I don't recall meeting
any of your boyfriends.
Men find my strength and
intelligence attractive--
at first, anyway.
But when it comes
to a relationship,
they inevitably find these
same qualities threatening.
And I'm sure it has
nothing to do with you being
unbearably pushy and insecure?
Hmm?
Do you have a point?
Or are you just
trying to be mean?
The point is if
you'd just drop
your verbal machete for five
seconds, you never know--
that guy might stick around.
He's right, you know.
If I was straight, and you
weren't so
I'd probably ask you out.
OK.
Well, my only point
was that fighting
the big, bad corporate boogeyman
might make the world a better
place but it's never
going to make you
feel whole until you
find someone to do
it with who's your equal--
not just an admirer.
Well, at least he doesn't
run around half naked attacking
pet grooming mobiles.
SHERYL: I've always
thought those things
looked kind of suspicious.
Trust me, you no idea.
APRIL: Is he going away?
IAN: Yeah.
Oh, Ian.
What if it's too late?
What do you mean?
What if enough of
it got into our system
and we're going to die anyway?
April--
What?
--we didn't drink flea dip.
What did we drink?
Puppy shampoo.
An Akita went nuts
and broke the bottle
so I had to pour it
into an old flea dip jug
so it wouldn't get wasted.
Are you mad?
No.
How did you know
I'd change my mind?
Well, I didn't.
I-- I mean believe me, I was
ready to do it to myself,
but I couldn't bear the thought
of having anything to do
with the world losing you.
Oh.
Like this is all my
fault. She's the one
that didn't want to have sex.
What kind of frickin' marriage
doesn't have sex, huh?
The bunch of bullshit kind.
A man needs sex
like he needs food.
He doesn't get food,
he gets hungry.
He gets hungry, he's going to
have to go out there and hunt.
Ahh!
Oh, my god.
Ahh!
Jesus!
Oh.
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.
Ahh!
What the-- oh!
Ohh, shit!
Holy rolling shit.
[MUSIC - INDIGO GIRLS, "CLOSER
TO FINE"]
I'm trying to tell
you something about my life.
Maybe give me insight
between black and white.
And the best thing
you've ever done for me
is to help me take my
life less seriously.
It's only life, after all.
Yeah.
Well, darkness has a
hunger that's insatiable.
And the lightness has a
call that's hard to hear.
I wrap my fear around
me like a blanket.
I'm crawling on your shores.
And I went to the doctor,
I went to the mountains,
I looked to the children,
I drank from the fountains.
There's more than one
answer to these questions,
pointing me in a crooked line.
And the less I seek my
source for some definitive,
the closer I am to fine.
The closer I am to fine.
Are you sure you're OK?
Yes.
For the last time, I'm fine.
If you don't mind, I'd just
prefer to be left alone.
OK?
Yeah, you just look like
you could use a little help.
That's all.
Yeah, I guess we didn't
realize helping you out
would be such an imposition.
Not at all.
This is how I prefer to
spend my lunch hour--
having my vehicle destroyed
by my psychotic fucking future
ex-wife and then being
condescended to by a bunch
of smug 20-somethings.
Dude, was there
something in this weed?
Or is this guy just like
the biggest cock bite ever?
MR. HABIB : Ian,
where in the name of hell
are you?
Ian.
Oh, for christ sake, jesus.
This is big dog.
Better cut out the bullshit.
Now, if somebody does not answer
me, I am going to be losing it.
Uh, sir, there's
been a slight delay.
MR. HABIB :
What do you mean, delay?
Uh-- Krysta left, sir.
But don't worry, I already
found a replacement.
MR. HABIB :
The hell you say she left.
Well-- well quit, actually.
But I met this girl and
she's looking for a job.
I'd be happy to
train her and-- and--
and she even said that
she could start today.
MR. HABIB : Is
this some kind of stupid fucking
American joke?
IAN: No, sir,
MR. HABIB : I
don't expect this from you, Ian.
You're my only employee who
isn't a slobbering monkey.
Uh, thank you, sir.
Like, I promise that I wouldn't
recommend her if I didn't
think that she was top notch.
MR. HABIB :
All right, fine.
But if this backfires
in my ass, eggs
will be sticking to your face.
Uh-- wh-- uh--
Yes, sir.
Over and out.
That was probably
the nicest thing anyone's ever
done for me in my entire life.
But you should know I
have a lot of issues.
So do I.
I even have issues
about my issues.
I know, right?
It's like when will
it ever fucking end?
[MUSIC - HERB ALPERT, "THIS
GUY'S IN LOVE WITH YOU"]
Oh, no.
Gracias.
But you should.
I don't know what
that meant, but OK.
How can I show you
I'm glad I got to know you
because I've heard some talk.
They say you think I'm fine.
This guy's in love.
Um-- uh-hu.
Uh-hu, yeah.
Yes, actually.
Actually, where-- yes.
Yes, thank you.
I'm fine.
Don't let me
be the last to know.
I say again, don't
let my heart keep breaking
because I need your love.
I want your love.
Say you're in love--
Um-- so I think I--
I owe you an apology,
you know, for going
um, totally psycho like I did.
It's no big deal.
And you know what's even more
humiliating is that I don't
think I even really meant it.
But-- but even that was
way more about me than--
than you.
Does that make any sense?
No.
Not really.
Well, I think I've just been
wanting to bust out for so long
and you just make being true
to yourself look so easy
that I just put all
this crazy desperation
inside of me onto you.
And then I guess
it all just came
exploding out like some kind of
just spastic hormonal volcano.
I'm sorry.
You know, the truth
is I actually believe
most of the crap that I say.
I know you do.
She really likes you, you know.
Really?
That's funny.
I mean she's got me pegged.
Basically, I'm just
an emotional moral.
Well, you've got her pegged.
She only plays the bitch
to protect herself.
So now that you know all of the
bad things about each other,
think about how much fun you'll
have discovering all the good.
[MUSIC - NIK KERSHAW, "HAVE A
NICE LIFE"]
Well, look at you
blowing all shiny and fresh.
Standing alone,
looking over the edge.
It's a long way down.
Damn it.
First time?
That obvious?
I nearly peed myself before
I get through the door.
To be honest, I'm
not even positively
sure I should even be here.
Well, think of it this way.
It's just a beer.
Just a beer.
Right.
Without the penis, of course
Right.
Miller Light-- no penis, please.
Who needs that thing, anyway?
OK.
Let's do this.
Look, why not just
tell the truth?
BABAR: You
mean like, um, hey.
Sorry about the super long lunch
but we were just sitting there
and next thing you know, we're
having this raging nudie fight
and getting baked.
Oh, and then we had to rescue
this total prick muncher
wearing these really
horrible ass pants.
IAN: What about your car?
APRIL: Just leave it.
IAN: Are you sure?
APRIL: I'm positive.
IAN: Oh, one more thing.
What they say about dogs
smelling fear is true.
Mental domination is the
key, except with cats.
Promise me you'll never try
to play mind games with a cat.
APRIL: Mhm.
I promise.
[MUSIC - NIK KERSHAW, "HAVE A
NICE LIFE"]
I love
you, my precious.
I love you, my son.
I'm sorry for all
the wrong things
that I've done in the past.
But it happened so fast.
It didn't quite
go as I'd planned.
And I hope to god one
day you'll understand.
And have a nice life.
Yeah.
Have a nice life.
Have a nice life.
Hope you find all
you're looking for.
I hope it goes well.
I hope it goes right for you.
Have a nice life.
Have it your way.
I hope you live
long and prosper.
I hope you get high.
I hope you get lucky
and find the right one.
The one love.
The right one.
[MUSIC - GRANDVILLE, "DISASTER
FIEND"]
Hey, you, making the
scene, plotting the scheme,
you know what's happening.
Hey, you, the devil-may-care
with passionate
flare but lonely
without despair.
And you, you're kerosene,
you're gasoline,
you're a disaster fiend.
Yeah, you.
You.
Hey, you, dropping the
clues, you're front page
news, no one left to accuse.
And you planting a
sprig, an old recipe,
a taste for catastrophe.
Yeah, you.
Doesn't seem so ordinary
to a simpleton like me.
But if you've come looking
for your fix, you may be--
In this chaos you've bathed,
and dried off unscathed,
and ready to misbehave.
And you, you're kerosene,
you're gasoline,
you're a disaster fiend.
Yeah, you.
You.
Doesn't seem so ordinary
to a simpleton like me.
But if you've come
looking for your fix,
may be you're in
the right place.
You may be in the right place.
Hey, you, making the
scene, plotting the scheme,
you know what's happening.
And you, you're kerosene,
you're gasoline,
you're a disaster fiend.
Yeah, you.
If you've come
here for your fix,
you've found the right place.
If you've come
here for your fix,
you've found the right place.
If you've come
here for your fix,
you've found the right place.
If you've come
here for your fix,
you've found the right place.