Paris When It Sizzles (1964) - full transcript

Memorandum to Paramount Pictures,

Hollywood, California,

from Alexander Meyerheim.
Subject - my latest production.

Gentlemen, while you sit back safely
in your air-conditioned offices

we here... in the trenches
are progressing brilliantly.

As to your anxieties
about the script, dismiss them.

I talked to the author in Paris.

He assures me that he has
at this moment 138 glorious pages

which are even now being typed. I
plan to join him in Paris on Sunday.

Period. Paragraph.

Gentlemen, success is inevitable.



An Alexander Meyerheim production

of an original story and screenplay
by Richard Benson.

- Richard Benson?
- You know him, my angel?

Know him?

I hate him! Richard Benson, phooey!

It seems there are facets of him
you know even better than I do.

I cannot imagine
when he finds time to write.

Unfortunately, he had time
to write a script for me.

The last ten pages were found

floating off Malibu,
in a vodka bottle.

Send the usual telegram to Benson.

Richard assures me that for all
practical purposes he's on the wagon.

It's open. Come in.

- Yes?
- Mr Benson?



You are the young lady
from the typing bureau?

I am.

If we are to have a happy
and harmonious relationship,

I beg you, never answer
a question with a question.

- Is that clear?
- Did I?

There you go again, answering
a question with a question.

My yes when you opened the door
was a question,

question mark implied, of course.

You know the difference
between implied and inferred?

Isn't that a question?

Yes.

Then you answered my question
with a question.

To imply is to indicate
without saying openly or directly,

to infer is to conclude
from something known or assumed.

- My name is Gabrielle Simpson.
- Is that a bird?

I was told the job would take several
days. I had nobody to leave him with.

Well, this is it. The office there,

I live up here,
the terrace is out there.

That grotesque object so prominent
on the horizon is the Eiffel Tower.

I had it moved there to remind me
what town I'm in.

If it offends you,
I'll have it taken away again.

You live through here.
It's an adjoining room

which no doubt to your mind
has terribly sinister connotations.

- Not at all...
- If so dismiss them.

I would have got you a room
down the hall

but the joint's filled up.
Bastille Day weekend, all that.

It's quite alright. I once worked
for an American novelist

who only wrote in the bathtub.
I'm used to anything.

You can unpack. In the bathtub?

Yes. I gave him a packet of
bubble bath and we got on swimmingly.

I see.

Does that imply that
the bird's name is Richelieu?

It's inferred, I believe,
rather than implied.

Swimmingly.
Interesting figure of speech.

You call the canary Richelieu
because you wanted a cardinal?

That's very funny.

No, it isn't.
Just one of the hazards of being

a famous international wit,
which I am. Have to keep trying.

I can't tell you how delighted I am
by this assignment, Mr Benson.

And to have the opportunity to work
with a screenwriter of your stature.

I'm interested in cinema myself.
I'm sure I can learn a great deal.

Thank you.

Last month I worked for Roger Roussin
the New Wave director. You know him?

I'm more of an Old Wave man.

The picture's terribly interesting.
Very avant-garde.

About people who go to this party
and decide not to play Scrabble.

It was called The Scrabble Game
Will Not Take Place.

His next one's about a girl
who won't have a birthday party -

Blow Out No Candles.

Roger believes what's important
on screen is what doesn't happen.

Does your film have a title yet?

Of course.

The Girl Who Stole
the Eiffel Tower.

The Girl Who Stole the Eiffel
Tower. It sounds fascinating.

The title is symbolic?

She doesn't really steal
the Eiffel Tower. Does she?

What's the story about?

It's an action-suspense, erm, ...

..romantic melodrama.
With lots of comedy, of course.

And deep down underneath
a substrata of social comment.

Oh. Well, if I could see
the pages you've written

I could estimate
the size of the typing job.

The pages, my dear girl,
are right here.

An Alexander Meyerheim production.

The Girl Who Stole
the Eiffel Tower.

Original story and screenplay by
Richard Benson.

Here, with a page or two
of interestingly photographed

establishing shots,
possibly from a helicopter,

- a boy and a girl meet.
- But Mr Benson...

Now, after some chitchat,

getting-to-know-you stuff,
which I do so brilliantly,

we feel an unconscious attraction
between the two.

An indication to the audience
of the tremulous beginnings of love.

And then, conflict!

We can tell by the music
how deeply fraught with danger

the whole situation is.

And now, ... our first switch.

The audience gasps when they realise
they've been fooled.

Things are not what they seem.
Not at all.

In fact, the whole situation
is completely reversed,

involving
the magnificently ingenious

switch... on the switch.

Amazed by the sudden turn of events,

the boy and girl realise how gravely
they've misjudged each other.

At that moment,

the music turns ominous once more.

They become aware of the danger
that they're in and the chase is on!

Spinning tyres, rooftops,

long shots of tiny figures racing
through the fear-gripped city.

When suddenly in a deserted alley
we see, seated on a garbage can,

licking its wet rain-bedraggled fur,

close shot, the cat!

Now, as we build
step by step to the climax,

the music soars.

And there, totally oblivious

of the torrential rain
pouring down upon them,

the two fall happily and tenderly
into each other's arms.

And as the audience drools
with sublimated sexual pleasure,

the two enormous and highly paid
heads come together

for that ultimate
and inevitable moment.

The final, earth-moving,

studio-rent-paying, theatre-filling,

popcorn-selling...

..kiss.

Fade out. The end.

That's it. 138 pages. Why make it
longer? We'd only have to cut later.

- Mr Benson...
- Yes?

This screenplay,
when does it have to be finished?

Well, let's see, today is Friday.

My friend and in this case patron
and producer Mr Alexander Meyerheim

arrives in Paris from Cannes
at ten o'clock on...

..Sunday morning.
Which happens to be Bastille Day.

Perfect! 10:01 we hand him
the completed script

and then you and I celebrate. Drink
champagne, dance in the streets,

whatever they do on July 14th.

You're very kind but I have a date.
You haven't written anything at all?

You have a date?

You mean this entire movie
has to be done in two days?

Miss Simpson, if you aren't up to
your part of the job, tell me now.

- I can find someone else.
- No, I didn't mean that.

It's just that it's,
well, rather unusual, isn't it?

Not for me.

I imagine you've given it
a great deal of thought?

No, I haven't.

So what have you been doing?

What any red-blooded
American screenwriter

would or should have been doing

for the first 19 and a fraction weeks
of his employment.

Water-skiing in St Tropez,

lying in the sun in Antibes,
studying Greek.

Greek?

There was this starlet
representing the Greek film industry

at the Cannes festival.

Then of course
a few weeks unlearning Greek,

which involved
a considerable amount of vodka

and an unpremeditated trip to Madrid
for the bullfights,

which fortunately, since
I can't bear the sight of blood,

had long since gone on to Seville.

Weeks 17 and 18 were spent
in the casino at Monte Carlo,

in a somewhat ill-advised attempt
to win enough money

to buy back my $5,000-a-week,
plus expenses, contract

from my friend, employer and patron,
Mr Alexander Meyerheim,

thus not having to write the picture
at all. Take a note.

For the textbook I will someday do
on the art of screenwriting,

never play 13, 31
and the corners thereof

for any serious length of time for
any serious money. It doesn't work.

And now I have to. Shall we begin?

An Alexander Meyerheim production.

Caps, quotes. The Girl Who Stole
the Eiffel Tower.

You do like the title?

Oh, yes,
it certainly sounds intriguing.

It intrigued Meyerheim, too.
He bought the title, script unseen.

Original story and screenplay
by Richard Benson.

Page one. Fade in. Exterior.
Paris, naturally.

Let's see, night or day?

Day.

Begin... with a shot of...
of the Eiffel Tower.

The camera zooms in. Standing
windswept and alone on a platform

is a mysterious woman in black.
She glances at her watch.

And we see...

How the hell do I know?
Mysterious woman in black.

Oh, how the mighty have fallen!

Mustn't be obvious. Don't give the
whole story too early. OK. Fade in.

Exterior, le Sacre Coeur. Day.

No...

Make that, erm, ...

..the Grand Palais.

Uh-uh.

We've got to give the audience

the taste and smell
of the real Paris.

OK.

Exterior. Christian Dior.
The camera pans

"and now we see a white Rolls"-"Royce"
pull up and come to a stop.

No, wait a minute,
make that a white Bentley.

It's chicer.

A chauffeur in white livery
leaps out and opens the door.

From inside emerges
some classically glamorous star

like, erm, Marlene Dietrich.

And now she... Erm...

Dot, dot, dot.

She sweeps majestically
into the store and...

That's all we see of her. Makes no
sense but Alex would have loved it.

He could have stolen the Bentley and
afte"rw"ards charged it to the picture.

- What d'you say your name was?
- Gabrielle Simpson.

- How long have you lived in Paris?
- Two years.

And you came here to write.

Well, that, too, but mostly to...

I don't know how to say it exactly.
Live.

Live?

Would you mind...?

You were saying
you came here to live.

Yes. For the first six months I made
a comprehensive study of depravity.

No kidding?

Seriously. Never got to bed
before eight in the morning.

Who knows how many cups of
poisonous black coffee I consumed?

I didn't drink then, so it was hard
to get totally into the spirit.

Depravity can be terribly boring
if you don't smoke or drink.

But a person must try to grow.

And the guy you're dating on Bastille
Day, is he part of the process?

No, he's just a friend.
A struggling young actor.

An actor?!

Ewww...

A tragic relationship to begin with.

I hope he's not a method actor, who
scratches and mumbles and pauses,

thereby destroying the impeccable
rhythm of the author's prose.

No, he's a little intense
but lots of fun.

Uh-huh? Yeah, well...

And you and this... actor, what
do you plan to do on Bastille Day?

We'll spend the whole day together.
First, breakfast at a little caf,

then we'll dance
from one end of Paris to the other,

opera at five, then the guards
and the singing of The Marseillaise,

off to Montmartre for the fireworks,

then supper and champagne
and, you know, live.

- You really like it, don't you?
- What?

Life.

Every morning when I wake up
and see a whole new other day,

I just go absolutely ape.

I've got an idea.

I got an idea!
The first good one in four months.

No, I had an idea to give up
drinking - it didn't photograph.

Now this could be good.
Very good indeed.

A simple story
of a simple Parisian working girl

and how she spends July 14th.
The whole picture plays in one day.

And I've got two days to write it.
Fade in. Exterior, Paris.

As our story begins
it's early Bastille Day morning.

And all the trumpets of Paris
are sounding reveille.

Over a shot of the Arch of Triumph

superimpose
"An Alex ander Meyerheim production".

Cut to the Eiffel Tower.
The main title.

The trumpets segue
into the inevitable title song.

Maybe we can get
Sinatra to sing it.

There follows an interminable list
of other credits

acknowledging the efforts of
all the quote little people unquote,

whom I shall graciously thank
in my acceptance speech

at the Academy Awards.

As the cymbals crash,

"Original story and screenplay
by Richard Benson".

OK.

Fade out.

And fade in.
A picturesque Parisian square

where the holiday festivities
are in progress.

A simple Parisian working girl,

who looks remarkably like you,
Miss Simpson,

emerges from
her simple Parisian dwelling

and makes her way through the crowd
and across the square.

She seats herself at a table
at this little caf she goes to.

With breathless anticipation
she awaits the arrival of her date.

Some... actor.

Now I suppose
we'll have to describe him.

I see him
as curiously unattractive.

Not at all. Philippe happens to be
very handsome.

In fact he looks rather like,
erm, Tony Curtis.

I see him as one of those
mumbling scratching actors

destined only for minor roles
and character parts.

And his name is not Philippe.
It's Maurice.

Maurice!

Like, er, bonjour, baby.

- Bonjour, Maurice!
- Hey.

Oh, I'm so excited. I didn't sleep
a wink. Do you like my dress?

Yeah, very groovy.

Would it be too wicked
if instead of breakfast

we had a glass of champagne
right here?

Thanks.

Erm...

- Look, baby...
- Yes, Maurice?

This Bastille Day gig?

Like, erm,
we're gonna have to cool it.

But, Maurice, I don't understand.

Well, see, baby, I'm going to
have to cut. See, last night,

while I was making the scene
at le drug store,

erm, I was tearing an expresso
with a couple of local citizens

when, erm, all of a sudden
this New Wave-looking stud comes in

and says his name is Roger Roussin

and, like, he's making a film
about Bastille Day.

No Dancing in the Streets.

No Dancing in the Streets?

In Roger's flick it like,
erm, ... rains.

Anyway, he offers me the lead.

Oh, Maurice,
I'm, like, so happy for you.

See, I have to split. We're gonna be
shooting all day. In the sewers.

I see.

Hey, baby, I got wheels,
can I drop you?

No, thanks, I prefer to walk.

Crazy.

Erm, tout I'heure.

With the almost lunatic narcissism

peculiar to his curious calling,

Maurice rather preciously mounts
his motor scooter.

Our heroine is left grief stricken,

not realising how much better off
she really is.

They were going to spend
the whole day together!

My dear, you just witnessed
the first switch.

Maybe, but Maurice
would never behave that way.

Besides, his name is not Maurice,
it's Philippe.

So having successfully disposed of
her date for Bastille Day

we move on to important matters.
Conflict.

Conflict?

The other man.

The third corner
of the obligatory triangle.

Didn't Roger whatshisname,
the No Scrabble director,

teach you anything
about writing movies?

No...

- For a moment, Gabby sits there...
- Gabby?

We've got to call her something.

For a moment, Gabby sits there.

A lonely and pathetic figure.

But unbeknownst to her,
this heart-breaking little scene

has been witnessed by...

..dot, dot, dot, ...

..a mysterious stranger.

A mysterious stranger, how exciting.

Miss Simpson,
before you escape the confines

of this unpretentious hotel room,

it's my intention to show you

just how exciting
a mysterious stranger can be.

I suppose we'll have to describe him.

Yes, I suppose so.

He's American, of course.

I can write him better that way.

Now let's see, what else?

I see him as rather tall,
rather suntanned,

rather handsome, athletic looking,

with a rugged but...
curiously sensitive face.

Poor sad creature.
Little does she realise

that in a moment
she and the audience

will have totally forgotten
that dull clod Maurice,

or Philippe
or whatever his name is.

At this magic moment
her life has indeed begun.

Tenderly he folds her into his arms

and moving with the nimble grace
of a Fred Astaire

he dances her off into the crowd.

In exactly ten seconds I want you
to slap me as hard as you can.

What?

There is unfortunately
no time to explain.

And no reason to trust me.
But I trust you.

There's something about
your big magic eyes and I am...

Well, the name doesn't matter.

Just think of me as...
1331, American Intelligence.

This must be some kind of a joke.

If you will look
slightly to your left...

Without moving your head, please.

You will see in that window...

In the bouquet I handed you
is a piece of microfilm.

I can't tell you what it is, but
should it fall into the wrong hands

it may mean the end of civilisation
as we know it.

The time has come for you
to slap me as hard as you can.

Stop. Stop!

"Spies in trench"-"coats?"

I'm afraid I got carried away.
We'll have to go back.

OK. That brings us back
to where we were.

We're alright through getting rid
of her date for Bastille Day.

The boy and the girl meet and...

..and they dance, and they dance,
and they dance...

And they dance, and they dance...

Mr... Benson?

Now then. The mysterious stranger.
Who is he...?

There's someone at the door.

What does he do?
What suffering, what torment

caused the sadness
that lurks behind his eyes?

And why,
while we're asking questions,

didn't I listen to my father
and learn a useful trade?

Merci.

It's a telegram.

Well, aren't you going to open it?

No, I'm not going to open it.
The reason I won't open it

is I'm fully aware what it says.

The reason for that is because
in the last 19 and a fraction weeks

I have received 134 telegrams
from Mr Alexander Meyerheim,

all saying exactly the same thing.
When will the script be finished?

When will the script be finished?

How can I write
with him badgering me this way?

Day and night, wires, messages,
telephone calls.

How was it today? Did you work well?
When will it be finished?

Talk about men in trench-coats!
He spies on me constantly.

His people are everywhere.
For all I know, you might be one.

Mr Benson!

I'm sorry. Some days I just feel like
whatshisname in Les Miserables.

- Jean Valjean.
- I guess so.

Only last night... Last night
I swore to him on the telephone

that I had 138 pages in front of me.

I said, "Alex,
any man who takes your money

and tells you he's got 138 pages
in front of him and doesn't

is nothing but a liar and a thief!"

Sometimes I get the feeling
he doesn't trust me.

I know
who the mysterious stranger is.

He's a liar and a thief.

Sure. A latterday Francois Villon,

who lives by his wits
and what he steals.

A jewel thief, maybe.

Expert safe-cracker.

There isn't a safe in the world

he can't open with his bare hands.
I've got it!

We have to start all over again

but that's not too serious.
We've only got eight pages.

Let's see. We're alright through
Alexander Meyerheim production,

Girl Who Stole the Eiffel Tower,
story and screenplay, Richard Benson.

We keep the Bastille Day jazz, only
this time we don't start on Gabby,

we start on... Rick.

Rick. That's a wonderful name
for the mysterious stranger.

Don't editorialise.
Just start typing.

Exterior, day. A picturesque square.

Amidst the throng of merrymakers,

the camera picks up a rather tall,
rather suntanned American...

We'd better change his wardrobe
for a liar and a thief suit.

You know, various shades of black.

Moving with the grace of a jungle
cat, Rick approaches the table

where Gabby is getting
"the brush"-"off from her actor."

"His almost super"-"human intelligence"
takes in the situation at once.

He hesitates. If there's
a single chink in Rick's armour,

it's a pretty face.

He comes to a decision
and moves to another table

where two denizens
of the underworld await him.

Call them first gangster
and second gangster.

Well, Rick?

- Have you thought it over?
- I'm considering the proposition.

It is a plan of simplicity and beauty
yet highly original, very daring.

- "Voil, monsieur."
- "We need you for two things only."

To open the safe
and deliver the note.

A few hours' work.

And for this, a million dollars.

Which we will of course split
three ways.

Half for me. The other half
to be divided between you two.

But you already agreed.

Gentlemen, it's a well-known fact

that I am not only a brilliant
safe-cracker, but a liar and a thief.

Half for me, the other half
divided between you two.

Very well. I will pick you up
with a car at four.

Until four, then.

And, Rick, resist at all costs

your continuous and ove"rw"helming
impulse to perform the double-cross.

We will not this time be so...
understanding

as we were last year in Tangier.

Now, Miss Simpson, having
established a climate of suspense,

intrigue and romance, we've arrived
once more at that magic moment.

The boy and the girl meet.

OK. Now we need more conflict.

A new character, maybe.

I've got it! Seated nearby
is Rick's deadly enemy,

Inspector, erm, Gillette
of the international police force.

It is apparent he knows something
the audience does not know.

And now, Miss Simpson, we have set
the wheels of our plot in motion

and inflamed the audience
with a passionate desire

to find out what happens next.

And I don't blame them.
I'm dying to find out myself.

We can pause
for a few pages of chitchat,

getting-to-know-you stuff,
which I do so brilliantly.

The question is, where should
this charming little scene be played?

At lunch!

Yes, he takes her to a beautiful
restaurant for lunch in the Bois.

Ridiculous. She wouldn't go off with
a man who picked her up in a square.

I mean, he's a perfect... stranger.

Miss Simpson, nobody's perfect.

Why, he asks, as they dance
and dance and dance,

are you so sad
when everyone is so gay?

And then a suggestion
from the mysterious stranger.

If you try raising your upper lip,

you might at least create
the illusion of a smile.

That being somewhat of a disaster,
he really has to turn on the charm.

Do you know the word serendipity,
he asks. She shakes her head.

- What does it mean?
- Why, Miss Simpson, I'm surprised.

It means opening your eyes
each morning

and looking at the bright new day
and going absolutely ape!

- Serendipity?
- Right.

- Are you making it up?
- No, serendipity's a real word.

Actually, it means the ability
to find pleasure, excitement

and happiness
in anything that occurs.

No matter how unexpected.

Serendipity!

He explains the word, in a much more
fascinating way than I did,

and at the right moment proposes

a glorious lunch in the Bois.
She's tempted.

But don't you think...

Miss Simpson, he's not asking her
for a weekend at a motel

in Asbury Park, New Jersey.
He's inviting her to lunch!

Now don't you think if he were
terribly terribly charming, she'd go?

- Well...
- Serendipity.

Alright, maybe. If he promises it's
just lunch and that's absolutely all.

He promises. Unless she can think of
something she'd like to do after.

- Which she won't!
- Seren... Alright, then.

He hails a horse and carriage and
they go off to the Bois. Settled?

Settled. And now I suppose
we ought to write it.

Not at all.
The audience is ahead of us.

They've known she'll have lunch
with him for an hour.

But how do we get from the square

through the charm and serendipity
you do so brilliantly?

In motion pictures
we have a simple device

which takes care of
exactly this situation. The dissolve.

Over the years,
the audience has been conditioned

to understand
that when a scene fades away,

like an old soldier,
before their very eyes,

and another scene gradually appears
to take its place,

a certain amount of time has elapsed.
So, Miss Simpson,

we dissolve...

We dissolve slowly
and lingeringly...

..to the Bois.

A hansom cab
bearing our handsome couple

"clippety"-"clops its way"
past waterfalls and trees

toward a magnificent restaurant.

Notice, Miss Simpson,
how cleverly I play

"our suspense"-"filled melodrama"
against a background

of holiday serendipity
in "gay Paris".

We will spare the audience
the pages of dreary small talk

and get to the heart of the matter,

by the simple use of the device
I've just explained, the dissolve.

Who are you? What do you do?

Who am I and what do I do?
I'm nobody

and I've done everything
and nothing.

Driven racing cars,
white hunter for a while,

piano player in a rather curious
establishment in Buenos Aires.

This and that,
everything and nothing.

The curse
of having been born too rich.

Oh, I know what you mean. The curse
of having been born too rich.

That's why I left the castle
for Paris.

The castle?

We've got houses all over the world,
but my favourite

was our summer place in Deauville
with its own private zoo.

As a little girl, on Sundays, if I'd
been good, I could feed the giraffes.

Giraffes? Don't tell me
that you had giraffes, too?

- You mean, you...?
- But of course.

Oh, what fun! Both of us
having had giraffes as children.

It's a small world, isn't it?

Voil! Madame. Monsieur.

- To Rick.
- To Gabby.

If I may recommend...?

I prefer to do it myself.

To begin, we'll have paper-thin
slices of prosciutto ham

wrapped carefully around well-ripened
sections of Persian melon.

To follow, a touch of Dover sole

sauted lightly
in champagne and butter.

With that, a bottle of...

Pouilly-Fuiss?

'59 will do. And after that...

..we'll have a Chateaubriand for two.

Erm, make that for four.
Charred and brown.

Nay, black on the outside
and gloriously rare on the in.

With the beef
we'll have white asparagus

and a bottle of
Chateau Lafite-Rothschild '47.

And for dessert an enormous order
of fraise du bois...

Served, of course,
with globs of heavy cream

so thick you can put it on with
a shovel, s'il vous plat. Mwah!

You heard the lady.
And make it snappy, we're starving.

Now, while awaiting
the paper-thin slices of prosciutto,

so skilfully wrapped around

perfect sections
of ripened Persian melon...

Please, stop, I can't stand it.

Do you think they'll really do
the sole in champagne and butter?

Mm-hmm. In any case,
while we're waiting,

I wonder if the lovely
Miss Gabrielle Simpson

would join the very talented
Mr Richard Benson

for a small dry aperitif? I think
she's earned it. They both have.

Alright, I think
that would be very nice.

I didn't really like Rick at first

but he's beginning to grow on me.

Mmmm...

So, you find Rick growing on you?

Oh, yes,
I think he's very attractive.

Important. The reaction
of the female audience.

Alright. Lunch is over. The martinis,

the two different wines and brandy
have had their effect

and a glorious dream-like glow
is settling over them.

The pages, Miss Simpson.

Those that we have covered so far
with our fabulous prose.

Here you will notice, as advertised
in our discussion earlier on today,

the opening, a series of
interestingly photographed

establishing shots.

And here, the boy and the girl,

if a middle-aged mysterious stranger
can indeed be called a boy, meet.

You're not middle-aged, Mr Benson.

In fact, I think you're remarkably
well preserved.

As chilling a compliment as
I've ever received, Miss Simpson.

However, to continue,
pages eight, nine,

ten of romantic chitchat.

- Which you do so brilliantly.
- Why, thank you.

Now, you can feel the unconscious
attraction between the two,

the tremulous beginnings of love.

You see how easy it is
with professional know-how

and experience on your side?

Miss Simpson,
I don't think you realise this,

but a writer's life
is a terribly lonely one.

- Mr Benson.
- Hmm?

Have you any idea at all
what happens next?

Do you, Miss Simpson,
have any idea what will happen?

Well...

We've got to remember
that no matter how charming he seems

he is a liar and a thief.
It says so right here.

Mr Benson...

I do know what happens next.

What happens next
is the second switch.

The audience gasps as they realise
they have been fooled.

He has plied her with martinis,
white wine, red wine, brandy,

for only one reason.
To make her drunk!

Which incidentally she is not.
Not at all, whatever he thinks.

Now, as he forces one last brandy

to her unwilling lips...

Poor ingenuous girl. Charmed
and serendipitied into believing

she was safe in the hands of
this suntanned handsome American.

Alas, things are not
what they seem. Not at all.

The music turns ominous.

And she becomes aware
of the danger that she is in.

The mysterious stranger. Who is he?
What is he really like?

And why does he keep
nibbling on her neck?

Don't be frightened, my dear.
It's only a bat.

The creatures of the night
are my friends.

I know why you nibble on my neck.
You're some kind of werewolf.

No, no, my dear.

I'm a vampire.

The inner reaches of these caverns

make an ideal setting
for my laboratory.

And yet,
there's something about his eyes.

Even though they are
rather bloodshot.

A vampire's life must be
a terribly Ionely one. But no!

Not for nothing has she made
a comprehensive study of depravity.

Some girls may let vampires
nibble their necks on the first date,

but not our Gabby. She tears free
from his evil grasp

and the chase is on!

- "Vous tes Peau"-"Rouge?"
- "Oui."

Moi aussi.

He's caught her, he's caught her.
No, Gabby, you can't give in now.

You fought him in the cave,
on the beaches,

you fought him on the plains.
"That's it" - "planes!"

Her face registers terror.

Mr Benson, Mr Benson,
she's killed him!

There, there, Miss Simpson,
it's perfectly alright.

In your defence, it's been a hard day

and you've had a good deal to drink.

Anyway, he had it coming to him.

Plying her with all that booze,
making her drunk.

Which incidentally she is not.
Not in the least.

- Of course not.
- Not only did she kill him,

but when I think of
that poor horse...

The way she beat him
with that terrible whip.

Anyway, I think
she had it coming to her.

That was what?

Whatever he planned to do to her. Why
did she make such a fuss, anyway?

It's not as if he was
some kind of vampire or something.

Actually, I think
he's very attractive.

Miss Simpson, I think you should
go to bed and get some sleep.

You do? What about you?

I wish to think. Now, Miss Simpson,

if you'll please go in there
and lie down.

Maybe for a few hours.
But if you do get an idea,

and I know you will,
you must promise to wake me.

Sure.

Promise?

I promise.

Alright, then.

Good night, Mr Benson.

Good night, Miss Simpson.

Good night.

Good night.

Operator, I'd like to place a call

to Mr Alexander Meyerheim in Cannes.

It's one-thirty. You can probably
find him at the casino.

Erm... Ah, Benson.
Mr Richard Benson calling.

Person to person.

I'll hold on.

Dear Alex.

Dear Alex, ...

..it is my unpleasant duty
to inform you

that The Girl Who Stole the Eiffel
Tower will not take place.

You see, my friend,

that there's no point for you
to come to Paris on Sunday

to read the script,
because there is no script.

As I see it, there will be no...

Yeah? Comment?

Try him at the chemin de fer game.
The big table.

Excuse me,
I forgot to cover Richelieu.

Good night.

Oh, Mr Benson. Please don't think
I'm quitting on you.

I'll be right here when you need me.
Good night.

Operator.

Cancel that call.

Unfortunately, Miss Simpson, ...

..we are not writing a musical.

Mr Benson, you did all these pages
last night? All by yourself?

While some of us
were snug in our bed,

other more productive citizens
were up

toiling in the vineyards
of beautiful letters.

I'm only sorry that you
as a fledgling writer

weren't present to observe
with your own big magic eyes

a seasoned professional in action.

I was, in those few short hours,

the great DiMaggio going back,
back, back for the high-fly ball.

I was Manolete in Seville,
going over the horns for the kill.

And missing, fortunately, because
I can't stand the sight of blood.

I was Pablo Picasso, deftly...

..adding the third eye
to a portrait of his lady love.

I was...

How do you spell ingenuous?

l-N-G-E-N-U-O-U-S.

I was afraid of that.

In addition to the nine and a half
yards of pages I wrote,

I discovered some errors
in the earlier pages,

which I corrected, dealing basically
with the character of Rick.

I found I had,
in a moment of insecurity, ...

..underestimated
the brilliance of the man.

No simple safe-cracker he
but a master criminal,

wanted by the police
of three continents.

The dazzling scheme
has been worked out,

step by painful step,
for over a year by Rick himself.

The two other characters
are just employees.

That brings us back
to where we were.

Rick and Gabby have demolished
a glorious lunch

and it's almost four o'clock,
time for the car to arrive.

Page 14.

Sit down and brace yourself.

Here comes the switch on the switch.

In a minute and a half
you and the audience will gasp

as you realise you've been fooled.

Things are not as they seem.
Not at all. In fact,

- the whole situation is reversed.
- Mr Benson...

Miss Simpson, please don't sit there

gazing at me in mute adoration.

Read the script.

Rick and Gabby are sitting with
brandy glasses before them.

Her big magic eyes are shiny...

I can't imagine
a more marvellous lunch.

- I don't know how to thank you.
- Please.

And now I'll tell you the plans
for the rest of the afternoon.

The rest of the afternoon?

Exactly. My car and chauffeur
will pick us up here at four,

for a tour of Paris to see how
the celebration's progressing,

a brief stop at my office
to pick something up,

and then on to a party in my honour

at the restaurant
in the Eiffel Tower.

- Pardon, you are Monsieur Rick?
- Oui.

Your chauffeur is here, sir.
He has an important message for you.

Merci.

Pardon me for a moment.

It's almost four o'clock.

I know, I know.

What's the matter? Are you mad?
Bringing a girl on a job like this!

Our arrangement, Francois. You do
the driving and I do the planning.

But... but the plan does not
call for the presence of a girl.

The ability to improvise brilliantly
in a moment of crisis

is one of the reasons
I am a highly paid successful thief.

If you will look to the left,
just behind you,

as casually as possible,

you will see, stupidly trying to
hide behind yesterday's newspaper,

our old friend Inspector Gillette.

What is he doing in Paris?

Do you think he...
suspects something?

Of course not.
If so, I'm one step ahead.

Why do you think
I picked up the girl?

Because she has big magic eyes.

That, too,
but actually I picked her up

to throw our inspector friend
off the scent.

Never in his wildest imagination
would he think

that the highly paid
and successful Rick

would be so foolish
as to take a girl along on a job.

Therefore, that's exactly what I'm
going to do. She's a perfect cover.

Meet you at the car in one minute.

Shall we?

My dear Gillette,
our paths cross again.

My dear Rick,
what an extraordinary coincidence.

Monsieur Gillette is in a curious
way a business associate of mine.

Enchanted. Any friend of Rick's
is a friend of mine.

Please, enjoy your lunch. And I beg
of you, watch the calories.

This, my friend,
is a moment to savour.

For three years I've waited
and at last my brilliant,

highly paid professional friend
has risen to the bait.

What he doesn't know, poor Rick,
is that the girl is ours.

You're sure he suspected nothing?

Inspector, my imitation
of a method actor was impeccable.

I played the role internally,
of course,

indicating all the basic elements
of this curious calling.

The deep almost lunatic narcissism.

The lack of personal daintiness.

The appalling grammar.

Pops, it was...
Sir, it was flawless, brilliant.

I came in on a motorbike
in wheat-coloured...

Now, please, don't get carried away.

I remind you,
you are not the star of this drama

but merely a supporting player.
A very minor one, at that.

If life, like the theatre,
came equipped with programmes,

your billing, way down on the page
and in tiny letters,

would simply be second policeman.

As I was saying,
what he doesn't know, poor Rick,

is that the girl is ours.

Can we trust
a creature of the streets,

with a police record
as long as your arm?

Nothing will go wrong,
my dear Philippe.

There's a tiny chink
in Rick's armour. A pretty face.

One way or another,
using such talent as she has,

the girl will extract from him
the details of the plan.

The plan. But should they not
be followed? I have the car.

There would be no point.
Rick is a master.

No policeman alive can stay on
his trail if he wishes to elude him.

- Yes...
- No.

No.

I shall have a glorious lunch,
everything to be cooked, of course,

in this remarkable
non-fattening sunflower oil,

and eventually
having followed my luncheon

with several digestifs
and a short walk,

rejoin my friend tonight for
the climax of his adventures at...

The Eiffel Tower?
Brilliant, Inspector. Brilliant.

To the studio, Francois, please.

Studio?

I said, I have to stop at my office
and pick something up there.

Have you been inside
a motion-picture studio?

No. Are you in the movie business?

In a way.

The studio is particularly marvellous
on a holiday like this.

Silent. Empty.

The vast sound stages
completely deserted.

Like the night before Christmas,
not a creature is stirring.

Wait here, I won't be long.

Hmm, nice-ish.

Isn't it?

I don't understand. Are you an actor,

a writer, producer, director?

Nothing so creative, I'm afraid.

My interest in movies
is purely financial.

Gracious.

I can't tell you
how exciting this is...

This is for me. I just love movies.

Not those terrible New Wave pictures,
where nothing happens.

But I like, ...

..erm, Westerns.

Good old-fashioned pictures
with switches

and switches on switches.
Things like that.

Do you have an emery board on you?
One of those things

- to file the nails?
- I think so.

Thank you.

I particularly like movies with
complicated robberies in, don't you?

Absolutely.

I know this sounds childish
but next to pictures about robberies

I think I like horror pictures best.
I always have.

As a little girl
I was madly in love with Dracula.

My mother was very upset.

She thought it was somehow...
unhealthy.

She used to say, that vampire's
old enough to be your father!

Whom, she would add,
he in many ways resembles.

I'm glad.

Not that your father
resembled Dracula.

Which he didn't.
Not after he had his teeth fixed.

But that you are interested
in pictures.

That makes two things
we have in common.

Movies... and giraffes.

Here are the keys. Meet you
at the gate in half an hour.

Giraffes and movies...
It's a small world, isn't it?

Let me see that!

No, no. Please, Rick,
you're hurting me.

The lipstick. It's been written with.

The napkin! The napkin
you gave Gillette. What was on it?

What was on it?

You...

Stop, Rick, stop.
Or I'll shoot, I swear I will.

Mr Benson, what happens next?

I don't know. I don't know.

That's as far as I got.

- Mr Benson.
- Yes?

You know what I think?
I think we need another...

What would that be?
A switch on a switch

on a switch on a switch. On a switch.

I thought I knew movies but Roger
Roussin was never like this.

I wonder if he knows about switches.
And switches on switches.

And switches on switches
on switches. I don't think so.

It would change his whole life.

Not only would they not play Scrabble
they would also not play Parcheesi.

I must say, the mind reels.

Anyway, you know what I think?

Yes. You think she is not a creature
of the streets with a police record.

You think she's an American
intelligence agent.

Well, Miss Simpson,

you happen to be wrong.

Our Gabby happens to be
that most reliable, steadfast,

and you-cannot-miss-with-no-matter-
how-badly-you-write-it character

in all popular literature.

The prostitute with a heart of gold.

No, actually,

the P with the H of G is secondmost.
The most is Frankenstein.

Sure, someone who creates
or remakes another human being

and either falls in love with it
or it destroys him.

It can go either way.

That's what gives it
such flexibility.

Miss Simpson, did you ever realise

that Frankenstein and
My Fair Lady are the same story?

One ends happily

and the other one doesn't.

Think about that for a while.

You smell wonderful.

That's the bath oil. When I took
my bath earlier I put bath oil in.

Only a few drops, of course.

For which I am most grateful.
For both our sakes.

Ahem. And now, erm, where were we?

Bang, bang, bang!
That's where we were.

Or rather, where you were.

She was by the bed with a gun,
he was moving toward her.

I don't see how Frankenstein
and My Fair Lady are the same.

Oh, yes, I do.

Professor Higgins created Eliza and
Dr Frankenstein created the monster.

Oh, yes, of course.

But don't tell anybody.
I'm saving it for the textbook

on the art of screenplay writing.

Ah-ha, yeah, well...

He's chased her through the jungle,
all that. Blah, blah, blah.

Passed the bathtub.
If you want a Richard Benson movie

without a bathtub you're out of
your head. And into the bedroom.

She pulls out a gun,
blah, blah, blah, blah, and...

My dear big magic-eyed

bath-oil scented Miss Simpson,

is where we are.

Slowly,

Rick continues toward her.

Go ahead. Pull the trigger.

Don't reach for your gun,
I'm warning you.

- Cigarette?
- Thanks. Light?

Well, Rick, ...

..d'you mind
if I get out of these wet shoes?

And so my big magic-eyed Gabby,

who came to Paris to... live, ...

..turns out to be a spy
for the police. An informer.

A common stool pigeon.

No, Rick, don't say it!
It's that devil Gillette.

Oh, how I hate him. He is relentless!

He'll stop at nothing
until he tracks you down.

He'll never forgive himself
for last year in Tangier

or the year before in Hong Kong.
You are his obsession.

He is a mad ove"rw"eight Captain Ahab,

searching down you, his Moby Dick.
His white whale.

- And you?
- Me?

I'm nothing. A creature of the
streets with a long police record.

He had me paroled to be
the luscious and irresistible bait

squirming on the hook
he has prepared.

If I do not extract
the plan you have been building

step by painful step
for the last year,

my life, well, it's over.

Back I go behind the bars,
matron in uniform once more,

no longer Gabrielle or Gabby
but simply... a number.

lf, however, I succeed...

And if you succeed?

Freedom!

What exactly do you have to do
to extract this plan?

Anything.

- Anything?
- Anything. It's not so hard.

I too in my own way
am a highly paid professional.

Not so highly paid as you, perhaps,
but still... a professional.

We're two of a kind, you and I.

There's no reason for us
to be enemies. We can perhaps be...

..friends.

Perhaps...

Their two bodies now moving as one

roll like turbulent breakers
crashing on an undiscovered shore.

And now, now,...

..we slowly...

..and lingeringly...

..dissolve...

Gracious.

Exactly, Miss Simpson. Well said.

You might even add heavens to Betsy.

What's wrong, don't you like it?

Oh, I like it,
but can you get away with it?

Get away with it? Get away with what?

Well, that scene with them
on the bed is rather suggestive.

Don't you think
the censors will object?

How can they possibly object?

We dissolved, didn't we?

- Yes, but...
- Miss Simpson, as I said before,

a dissolve is a most useful device.

Not only can it take you
from one place to another,

but it also leaves
what's happening on the screen

to your imagination.

Now if I were you, Miss Simpson,

I would stop going to
those sinful art theatres,

and start seeing more good wholesome
American family-type pictures.

I don't know what you and the censors
think they're doing on that bed,

but I take the position
that they're playing... Parcheesi.

As much as I've enjoyed our little
game, it's almost eight-thirty.

Time for the climax of
our glorious day. We must be off.

Off? Where to?

You know perfectly well where.

The costume party at
the Eiffel Tower to finish the job.

You mustn't. You can't go through
with the plan, whatever it is.

Gillette will be there and the place
will be surrounded by police.

Gillette was in Tangier last year.

The entire city was surrounded by
police. Now if you'll excuse me...

Where are you going?

To the wardrobe department,
to find something for us to wear.

Quite alright. I always carry

a packet of bubble bath in my purse
and I'm getting on swimmingly.

Howdy, ...

..stranger.

You must be the new schoolma'am.

I hate to rush you, ma'am,
but it's getting late.

How long will it take
to get out of that tub,

into this costume
and out to the car?

Absolutely no time at all...

And now according to my master plan

the time has come to take
the most dangerous step of all.

Yes, Rick?

I must trust you
and tell you the details.

I can trust you, can't l, Gabby?

How can you ask, Rick? After our
Parcheesi game this afternoon,

I am yours for ever
and ever and ever.

Can I trust you, Gabby?

Can I really trust you?

In the back of this car are
28 cans of motion-picture film.

The Eiffel Tower party is being
given by the picture's producer.

Tell me the plan in a minute, Rick.
It's a long drive to the Eiffel Tower

and the traffic is heavy.

Mr Benson...

Rick.

Gabby, maybe, but I'm not...

Well, I'm not that kind of a girl.

Oh, I can't stand girls
who say things like that.

Oh, dear...

I guess maybe
we are that kind of a girl.

Exterior. Eiffel Tower. Night.

Rick and Gabby have been driving
and driving and driving.

Through all that
marvellous traffic.

The tower is ablaze.

Richard, how can I type
if you're going to... ?

Alright, alright...

The tower is ablaze

"and chauffeur"-"driven limousines"
are pulling up.

Miss Simpson, how can I dictate
if you're going to... ? Hmm...

Trust me, darling.

I do. Here we go.

And now, darling, Rick and Gabby
make their way to the elevator

which will carry them and us
to the inevitable party scene,

so dear to the hearts
of movie directors everywhere.

It's summer time
and the vita is dolce.

Breakfast is at Tiffany's
and everybody is high.

And now that the director
has distracted the audience

with these
totally extraneous vignettes,

he reluctantly returns to the plot
and another new character.

The producer. Host and victim.

Who looks remarkably like
my producer and victim,

Mr Alex ander Meyerheim.

If you look left, just behind you,
as casually as possible,

you will see that idiot Gillette

dressed appropriately enough
as an executioner.

- Ready, darling?
- Ready, darling.

Excuse me for a moment, darling.

You're late.

Untrue, Gillette. Everything
is going precisely according to plan.

- And the plan, you have it?
- Of course.

While not exactly highly paid
I'm at least... a professional.

Well?

If you will kindly read this,
I believe the entire situation

will become clear immediately.

At this very moment,
he's delivering the ransom note.

- The ransom note?
- Exactly.

He has in the trunk of his car
28 reels of film.

They are the negative
and only existing work print

of the producer's just-completed
six-million-dollar spectacle,

The Girl Who Stole
the Eiffel Tower.

You are certain you have both
the negative and the only work print?

Absolutely.

And it is your serious intention
to destroy them?

Unless you turn over the key

to your safe-deposit box
in your bank in Casablanca.

My dear boy,
I haven't the faintest idea

who you are.
But you are beautiful. Whoo!

Absolutely beautiful.

Not only that, you've saved my life.

The Girl Who Stole the Eiffel Tower
is frankly a disaster.

The title is symbolic.
She doesn't actually steal it.

Or I don't think she does.

The end's so confusing
it's hard to tell.

Anyway, the script is so ghastly
it could never possibly be released.

I was finished. Done for.
This party tonight

was planned as a final farewell
gesture. A sort of swan song.

At midnight, when the cheque
was presented, I planned to sign it,

add a lavish if purely imaginary tip,

and then as the fireworks were
exploding in the black velvet sky,

to hurl myself from the top
of this grotesque edifice.

And now, suddenly at the last minute,

in the nick of time - don't tell me
there isn't someone up there

who watches over whimsical
movie producers - you appear!

I can't believe it.

If you swear to me
that you will destroy this film,

hook, line and sinker,

not only will I give you the key to
my safe-deposit box in Casablanca,

but we will split the insurance,

60-40.

50-50.

Oh, my darling, darling boy.
If ever you consider going into

the motion-picture business,
do not hesitate to call me.

I've searched for
a partner like you all my life.

We understand each other perfectly.

You are so beautiful...!

It's a rugged
but curiously sensitive face.

It's so beautiful...!

His plane is waiting for him
at Le Bourget Airport.

His chauffeur's even now
warming up the engines.

Good girl. Tomorrow, your entire
police record will disappear

oh-so-mysteriously from my files
and you will be free.

Thank you, my dear Gillette.

And now, Gillette,
if you could quite casually

dance me across the floor
and over to the gentlemen's lounge.

You fool. You little fool.
He's using you

like he did that poor unfortunate
girl last year in Tangier.

Keep dancing, Gillette.

I should have known! I should.
That man is irresistible to women.

He is, my dear Gillette.

Keep dancing.

You fool. You little fool.

I've worked the whole thing out
with my analyst.

I don't really hate
Inspector Gillette,

I just feel sorry for him.

He insists on projecting himself
into the starring role

and relegating me
to some minor character.

Got me waiting for him
outside the Eiffel Tower? OK.

Got me saying lines like,
"Brilliant, Inspector, brilliant,"

or, erm, "I have the car here, sir."

Maurice!

Inspector, I am Philippe!

It doesn't matter. Rick is making
his escape at Bourget Airport.

Where is my car?

Erm, I have the car right here, sir.

You read that line beautifully,
Maurice.

Inspector, please. I...

I am not Maurice. I am Philippe.

Dear boy, you are a minor character
and your name is of no importance.

Now you were saying something
about the car?

I have the car right here, sir.
Aiii...

- Faster, Maurice, faster!
- Faster, Philippe, faster.

I keep forgetting.
My God, you are a dull character.

Even in the non-taxing role
of second policeman.

Bourget Airport, quickly!

But if you are the inspector
who was...?

You are third policeman and should
have no lines. Shut up and drive.

- Do you know what this is?
- The key!

The key to our future.
One million dollars

in small unmarked bills' worth
of happiness for the two of us.

Inspector Gillette of Interpol here.
Calling all patrols.

Faster! Faster!

Erm, the gate, sir, it is closed.

Go through it, you fool.

- Wait here, I'll take him alone.
- Inspector, can I speak to you?

You're Rick.

- I don't understand...
- No, you're not supposed to.

Can't you get it through your mind?

You're only a bit part.
Nobody cares about you.

You're a mere literary convenience.

Someone for the hero to punch
in the jaw at the correct moment.

And that moment, I'm happy to state,

has finally arrived.

Stop, Rick!

Stop or I'll shoot!

Philippe.

Philippe!

Mauri... Philippe.

Darling.

It's alright.
Perhaps it's better this way.

No, no, no, my darling,
we'll make it to Casablanca.

And when we get there,
we'll buy a darling little castle...

With its own...

..private zoo.

And will there be giraffes?

Of course...

Giraffes.

If this is what it means
to be a cop...

You're...

..first policeman now.

Thus having proved once again
that crime does not pay,

unless you happen to be me.

Fade out.

The end.

Well, there it is.

All 130-odd pages of it.

Finished with...

..hours to spare.

It's wonderful, Richard.

Only does it have to end that way?

I mean, Philippe could miss
when he shoots

and then
Rick could tell the inspector

where the stolen film cans are
and give him back the key.

He could explain
that now that he's met Gabby

he's retiring from
the liar and a thief business

and then the inspector might...
let them go away together.

It could be
the last big switch on the switch.

Couldn't it?

It won't work.

You see, he is a liar and a thief.

And he's been one for too long.
He can't retire now.

In addition to which,
he has become, I'm afraid, ...

..a hack.

He may think he's all those things
but she knows he's not.

What gives her that curious idea?

She's been with him constantly
for the last few days.

She's seen him shaking with terror,
exhausted, ready to quit.

She's watched him
pull himself together again and...

..she's also seen him be warm...

..and tender.

And funny.

Not famous international wit funny
but really funny.

Do you think she's an idiot?

Do you think she doesn't know
what kind of man he is?

Or what he needs?

And what he needs is L-O-V-E?

Uh-uh.

It's too late.

He's 43 years old.

Or will be this October.

He's been married twice,

both times disastrously,

and there have been too many years
of... too much dough,

too much bad writing

and too much whisky.

He's got nothing left inside to give.

Even if he could, which he can't.

But that's not true, Richard,
you can, you have. I just love it.

No, you don't.

It's lousy.

In any case, the problem is, ...

..you're not in love with the script.

You're in love with me.

And why shouldn't you be?

Suddenly, waltzing into your life

comes this charming,

relatively handsome stranger.

Me.

Smooth as silk with
a highly practised line of chatter,

specifically designed to knock
relatively unsophisticated chicks

like you, Miss Simpson,
right on their ears.

Which I'm terribly afraid
I have done.

Well, ... if it's the last
decent thing I do in this world,

and it very well may be,

I'm going to fix that.

I'm going to send you packing,

Miss Simpson.

Before I cause you serious...

..and irrevocable harm.

You want the truth?

Of course you don't.

I'll give it to you anyway.

I do not give one damn
about anything,

certainly not my work,
as you so touchingly

and ingenuously call it.

Well, that's not true.

There is something I care about.
Money.

And good whisky.

I am, as you've probably noticed,

rather fond of that.

But my work?

That's a hideous little something

that must occur
five days out of the year

so I can spend the other 360

in the manner
to which I have become -

and fully intend to remain -
accustomed.

To you, Richard Benson.

To you and your glorious
professional know-how.

Long may you wave.

And may you... go on...

..fooling...

..the people.

Miss Simpson?

Miss Simpson!

Gabrielle?

- Pardon, Maurice.
- Maurice? No, no. Philippe, sir.

Oh, you don't even know
when a joke is over.

Qui cet homme?

C'est mon patron.
Ne t'en fais pas.

Why, Mr Benson,
what are you doing here?

Miss Simpson, stop overacting, you
know very well what I'm doing here.

Of all the hokey cornball
grade-B picture devices.

She forgot the bird,
she forgot the bird...

- I don't know what you mean.
- Yes, you do.

Girl leaves bird.
Boy has to come looking for girl.

I've written that scene
a thousand times myself.

Always works, of course.
That's point one.

Point two. How dare you quit me
when we haven't even started?

Point three...

I love you. Miss Simpson,

if you don't feel up to the job,
tell me now. I'll get someone else.

Oh, no, I'm perfectly capable.

Very well, then,
I hold here in my hand

130-some-odd pages of contrived

and utterly preposterous,
totally unmotivated...

Oh, if you could only say it
in pictures.

Come on,
we've got a screenplay to write.

Not starting from scratch, of course.
We've got two great characters.

She's sweet and bright and very very
beautiful and he, well, ...

..he's gone straight, rather dull.
We need something to jazz him up.

Find something for him to do,
some physical action.

Madame est avec moi...

To accentuate the masculine image.

There's something in American movies,
a terrible clich,

but you did use it in the script.

Oh, yes...

I think maybe we should, ...
like, split.

Richard, this new movie you're
going to write, what is it about?

It's a love story, naturally.

It will have a happy ending?
He won't be shot running for a plane?

On the contrary, Miss Simpson.

The music soars and there,

totally oblivious of the fireworks,
the fountains

and the holiday-mad throngs,

they fall happily and tenderly
into each other's arms.

- I know what happens next.
- You do?

The two enormous
and highly paid heads come together

for that ultimate
and inevitable moment.

The final, earth-moving,

studio-rent-paying, theatre-filling,

popcorn-selling...