Paris Follies (2014) - full transcript

Hold on!

Look what I found in the pantry.

A tiara might be cute on him.

- You're kidding, right?
- Why?

We'd have to attach it
but it could make all the difference.

You wanna get us disqualified?

Get rid of that thing
and keep brushing.

Number 651.
This is Chocolate...

You're looking at a beautiful selection

of very docile animals,

as you can see.



That's a Charolais specialty.
They're a very calm breed.

I think our judges
have made the rounds.

And suspense is high!

Who will carry this section?

The judges are
giving their final grades.

They're tallying up,
comparing notes.

I think they've made their decision.
I'll turn the floor over to them.

Congratulations! An exceptional group
of beautiful pure-bred Charolais cattle.

Magnificent!
Great work, breeders!

But someone has to win.
So first prize goes to

Xavier Lecanu's Ben Hur,
our champion.

A remarkable animal!
What morphology!

Congratulations to the Lecanus.
They're old pros!

PARIS FOLLIES



- Hi.
- Where the hell have you been?

We had a really hard time
getting Ben Hur into the semi.

Then we had to take Régis home,
he insisted we see his daughter...

I said I had to leave at 7!

Take it easy!
What time is it? It's 7:25!

I've got a 3-hour drive.

Take it down a notch, okay?

What did I do
to be treated like this in my own home?

Stay for dinner and go back
in the morning. We've hardly seen you!

I've got class in the morning.
And practice before that.

I told you that.
Didn't I?

Yeah.

So stop guilt-tripping me all the time.

I was nice enough to watch the place
during that competition of yours.

"Yours!"
It's not ours, it's his competition.

You know me,
I couldn't care less!

No, I take that back.
Otherwise, we'd never see you.

Here we go again!

That's no way
to get me here more often.

D'you give him the cheese?

Oh, right!
The Grangers gave us a Livarot for you.

Hey, babies!

No problems?
Were they good?

Yeah, nothing special.

But have you seen Big Jim?
His front hoof's all screwed up.

Yeah, I know.

Here. Oh, Rosine's so nice!
She threw in a Camembert, too!

- Call and thank her.
- Sure.

- And don't lose the Tupperware.
- Sure.

- You know, we have to give it back!
- Sure.

Do we get a kiss
or will that delay you?

And that mop!
You need a haircut!

Okay, bye!

Brigitte,

would you mind moving your painting
somewhere else?

It'll look just as good in the kitchen.

Honey, did you hear me?
I wanna hang my new prize!

Let's see.

It's spread, hasn't it?

Why not see a specialist?

I know what he'll say.
"It's nerves. It's stress."

I don't get that.

Stress just gives me gray hair,
that's all.

You've always gotta be different.

Don't give up!
What if some new ointment just came out?

Please, Xavier.

I've tried hundreds of ointments.

It goes away for 2 days
then comes back even worse.

Here's a clean pair.

So what's your plan? To let it spread
till it covers your face?

You should go to Paris.

Why not go see Dr. Malakian?

I thought you liked him.

Well, I didn't wait too long
in his waiting room.

But his diagnosis was kind of lame.

Didn't he prescribe that yellow gunk
that stained the sheets?

No, that was Gozlan!

Malakian charged me 500 euros
to say I bathed too often.

Oh, right, I remember him.

Did you ever see Laurette's doctor?

- No.
- What are you waiting for?

You're such a pest!

Why? It's worth a try!

And who'll take care of the animals?

I'll ask Régis.
We manage fine together!

So I'm no use, after all?

What does that mean?

You can get along without me.

You're a real pain.

That's why you're sick.
It's not stress, you're a pain.

Excuse me, do you know
the name of that song playing?

No idea.
Ask at the reception desk.

You've got me there! Management
sends us the music, that's all I know.

Thank you.

This stuff's good!

Hey, you gluttons!

Take it easy!

Sorry!
The baby was up all night.

It's fine!
We'll meet you at the barn.

Sorry!

And you think
you can do without me?

Is this cool or what?

Pretty phat, huh?

What's that racket?

It must be their niece.

Yeah, it's Marion!
I like her, she's funny.

How are you?

Fine.

It's my friend's birthday.
We're having a party.

Stop by!

- Okay, why not?
- Great!

I'll make short work of that party.
Earplugs, a sedative and lights out!

The pediatrician said to do that.

Sorry but your pediatrician's a jerk!

Brigitte's lost faith in medicine.

Remember Mathilde?
Her ears protruded too.

We didn't make her wear a cap.

Why not tape, to boot!

Plus, she's a girl.
With long hair, you won't even see 'em!

I agree 100%!

For once!
Boy, does that feel weird!

What a lotta tripe!

What the hell is that?

So I don't say anything stupid...

They're ginger-tofu cakes

with shitake mushrooms.

It's called Tofu Grill.

What's with you?
Have you gone off the deep end?

What's the big deal?
It's good to try new things!

I don't need to try that
to know it's disgusting!

Régis, do you wanna eat that?

Just bring us the leftover lamb, please.

Your door's so cute!

Sorry to bother you.
I hate to ask

but we can't figure out
how to turn the electricity on.

Could you take a look?

Régis, can you go?

It's okay, I'll go.
I'll stop by later.

- Thanks.
- Once I'm fed.

Enjoy your meal!

Bye.

Exactly.
Make the check out to Xavier Lecanu.

L-E-C-A-N-U,
just how it's pronounced.

No problem.

Thank you.
Have a nice day.

She's gonna calve!
She's gonna calve!

What's "calve"?

Let's go!

She's gonna calve!

Shall I call the vet?

Could you keep it down?
For the cow.

Yeah, sorry.

Excuse me, can I take a picture?

Yeah.

- Régis!
- Coming, Mrs. Lecanu!

Here.

You okay, baby?

Let's go!

Is it working?

It won't be long now.

She's in a bad position.
She's lopsided.

Let's lie her down.

Come on!

It's so disgusting!

Pull, pull!

Here he comes!

He's beautiful!

Come on, boy!

Régis, bring me a bucket of water!

Give it to me!
Right in the ears.

Look, baby!
He's your boy!

He's so cute!

Come over here, sweetie!

Look at him.
See how beautiful he is.

Ben, you got here just in time!

He's my cousin.

Look, he was just born.

He's a looker!
He'll rake in the prizes.

This is my friend Stan.

Hi!

Now we need a name.

Got any ideas?

It's an M year...

Minotaur - half man, half animal.

Did I bet on the wrong horse or what?

Why do you say that?

Not only do you have eczema,

but Parkinson's, too!
Your pictures are all blurry.

I guess I was overwhelmed
by your presence -

your stature, your tie...

Go on, make fun of me.

Watch your step, Shepherd Girl!

Stop calling me Shepherd Girl!
It annoys me.

Let me read.

Good night.

Good night.

Hi.

Sorry. Do you have a lighter?
These matches don't work.

Yeah.

- Can I come in?
- Sure.

Thank you.

- Thanks.
- No problem.

Is the party keeping you up?

No, I'm a night owl.

And you?
Is the party driving you away?

No, the music's not bad
but I don't know many people, so...

And I'm in no mood to make friends.

Then I'll withdraw to my chamber!

No, that's not what I meant.

Anyway, I feel weird
chatting in these godawful slippers.

True, they're not the most glamorous!

But that's not the problem.
It's that gaggle of girls

who glommed onto me
the second I got here.

Boy, life is tough!

There you are!

Virginie's looking for you!

Brigitte, excuse me,

do you have any candles?
We totally forgot the candles!

I think so.

Excuse me,

we don't know each other well but...

Do you like Virginie or not?
'Cause she's nuts about you.

Yeah, I noticed.

So you don't like her?

No, but if you transmit the message,

tell her she's cute
but my heart's not into it.

Really? And why not?
Is your heart taken?

No.

- Are you a little gay?
- No again.

That's all I could find.

Thanks so much!
That's great, Brigitte.

You'll come for her cake, won't you?

You too, Brigitte! Come!

Your husband, too!
What's his name again?

I'm completely wasted!
Let's go!

Come, Brigitte. I beg you.

- You okay?
- Fine.

I'm glad you came.

You look very beautiful.

- Pardon?
- You look beautiful, ma'am.

Can we drop the "ma'am"?

- I'll go get us a drink.
- Okay.

- Thank you.
- It's the house punch.

Very deceptive!

Cheers!

Was that Virginie
chatting you up on the stairs?

Yeah.

She's pretty.

Too young for me.
Let's go out. It's too loud.

Okay.

I'm just getting over
a pretty tough break-up.

It was so painful, I quit school.
Then I lost a great job.

I worked part-time in a bookstore.

A cushy job in the art department.

Then I pulled myself together.

I was broke,
so I took the first job that came along.

So now I'm a salesman
at American Apparel in Paris.

It's an American clothing line.

- Heartbreak can be tough.
- Mostly it makes you dumb!

I really like your smile.

What's that book
in your back pocket?

Checking out my ass?

- No.
- Yes, you are!

It's just that...

So what's the book?

A novel by Italo Calvino.
You probably don't know him.

Sure I do! We're not all
illiterate hicks in the country.

Did you think
we'd all be country bumpkins?

Hey, even in Paris,
not everyone knows Italo Calvino!

What did I read by him?

Don't your cows ever sleep?

They keep staring at us.
Like Big Brother.

- That's it!
- What?

That song I heard in the supermarket!

I love that song!

So what are we waiting for?

Let's dance! Come on!

Here.

I think I'd better go home.

Why? What's wrong?

My head's spinning.

Don't move. I know a miracle cure.
Be right back!

Sleep well?

You were dreaming.
I didn't wanna wake you.

That's so nice!

They didn't go crazy next door.
I didn't hear a thing.

- That's all for me?
- Sure!

But we're out of jam.
I looked everywhere.

It's in the pantry.

No, don't budge!
You've done enough.

There, that's better.

Here.

Their house is more charming than ours.

Are you kidding me? It looks like
the 3 little pigs live there!

Well, I like it.

Yeah, right!

There.

Régis!

Give them some mashed beets, too.

And isolate the one I marked!

It won't be for long.

- What's her number?
- 6920.

Okay.

Look at this!

Kids have no respect these days!

I haven't heard that one in a while!

What?

Or, "They love organic food but when
it comes to rolling up their sleeves..."

Why? Isn't it true?

No young people wanna stay here.

Like that other idiot! He'd rather
do somersaults on a trampoline!

Is that how you talk about your son?

Sometimes you make me ashamed!

Don't you love my new placemats?

I just love them!

Quentin, pour Xavier more cider.

- It's not working.
- You're in caps lock!

You must go!
They sell great stuff at outlet prices!

"Brigitte" is your password?

I say that
but you've already got everything!

Your parents left you enough
to open an antique store!

Why's there no picture?

Your thing's lame!

That's kids today! They don't lift a
finger and want everything right away!

There! Look!

Great webcam!

What did you think?
For what it cost, it oughta work!

- Brigitte!
- I'm right here.

Look at that image!

It's really sharp.

Can you zoom in or not?

Yeah, of course.

And Mathilde...

How's Martinique?
Not too hard?

No, it's going well. She's happy.

She's waiting to hear about a job.
A big deal!

And Grégoire?

Still the bohemian life?

Sure! More than ever.

This goes on the table?

No, I'll serve it in here.

And that circus school of his...

what'll that lead to?
I mean,

what'll he come out with?

A clown diploma?

No, that's not his major. But...

Yeah, some kids get clown diplomas.

If all goes well, he'll come out
with a degree in acrobatics.

So he'll be able to say,
"I'm an acrobat."

Exactly.

Anyway, you're so nice
to pay for his education.

It's great to live your dream.

- Isn't it?
- Sure.

The cooking stone!

Good thing
I didn't wash my hair!

"Okay, so your bull's sterile!
If your plant doesn't bloom,

"do you take it
back to the florist?"

Uncompromising!

But he won't let up.

What'll you do?

Xavier doesn't agree
but I think we have to hire a lawyer.

If we'd just sold him a bull and not

a "stud bull," as it says
on the bill, we'd be home free.

Stop with that bill of yours!
He didn't even read it!

He'll read it
when it's useful to him.

It's not gonna end amicably!

The guy's a nitpicker!
He wants his money back!

It's not worth getting worked up.

You're dreaming!

He's been harassing us
since September!

Hey, Shepherd Girl!
How about a drink? It'll relax you!

Why "Shepherd Girl"?

I'm not sure
I'm allowed to tell that story.

Do what you like.
Besides, I need a cigarette.

But I warn you
it's a boring story.

I met Brigitte in agriculture school.

- Like you.
- Just like your parents.

We were in the same class.

One day we had to take the podium
to declare a major.

So we each went up and said,
"I wanna be a breeder,"

"I choose horticulture,"
"I'm interested in agronomy."

And Brigitte, who I didn't know...

Well, I had sort of noticed her.

She got up and said,
"I wanna be a shepherdess."

Even back then,
nobody considered that a career anymore.

Shepherdesses were only in fairytales.

But I liked that.

And I think that's when
I fell in love with her.

Because she was
one of a kind, different,

and incredibly stubborn.

She was right.

Your story's lame.

Quentin!

Can you turn off that jazz of yours?

I forgot to tell Laurette,

I made an appointment
with her dermatologist.

You finally decided.

Yeah, I listened to you.

I thought,
maybe he does have a miracle ointment.

Plus he had a cancellation
and can see me in two days.

That's great.

But it's early,
so I'll have to leave the day before.

I'll take care of it tomorrow.

So you're leaving me alone with Régis?

You're not gonna start?

You're the one who insisted I go!

I'm glad you're going.

You were right before.
Sometimes I'm an old fart.

And I'm really happy for Grégoire.

It's true,
I'm glad he's studying acrobatics.

In fact...

speaking of acrobatics...

We haven't done it in a while.

That jerk's harassing us again.

- Pick up!
- No.

- I'll talk to him.
- No, he'll hang up eventually.

You're dreaming!

- Give it to me!
- No.

Why won't you confront him?

Plus, you hurt me.

How do I know?

I'll put her on.

My sister wants to put you up in Paris.

Hi, Christiane, how are you?

That'll be tricky.

I already made a hotel reservation.
More importantly, I paid for it.

I was afraid they'd be booked
with conferences and all that.

No, I booked it online
with a credit card.

I didn't want to bother you.

That's sweet.

Stop!

Listen...

Sure, we can have dinner together.
That's possible.

I'll just give you a call
when I get to Paris. Okay?

Great!

Me, too! I'm thrilled!

Kisses!

Why'd you tell her?

I didn't know it was top secret.

She's such a pain.
When she comes, you hide in the barn.

Yeah, but I thought
you'd be lonely in Paris.

Is it true about the hotel?

Sure it's true.

I even booked 2 nights.

Two nights?

I understand staying overnight
for an early appointment.

But what'll you do in Paris
for 2 nights?

I just wanted to.

I'll do some shopping.
When we go, it's always rushed.

And now I have time to see your sister!

...due to a serious accident.

We apologize for the inconvenience.

What's this guy doing?

If you could pass by some lovely sights,
I'd love that.

Okay.

That big building on your left

is the American Express office.

Great.

Lots of corporations
are located around here.

That building there is General Electric.

- Hello.
- I'm almost done.

It's fine!

Take your time.

Oh, my!

- Enjoy your stay.
- Thank you.

Excuse me!

I'll get you a medium.

May I help you?

Stan!

What a surprise!

Now I remember,
you said you worked at American Apparel.

Now it's coming back to me.

What are you doing here?

Every once in a while I come to Paris

to check out the fashion trends...

Are you looking
for anything in particular?

Yeah, yeah.

What are they called again?

Bermuda shorts.

Bermuda shorts?

For you?

For me?
Yeah, right!

No, for a man.

You know, I never wear Bermudas!

Seriously, the summer collection
hasn't come in yet.

Too bad.

You're not mad about the other night?

I took off like a thief.
Otherwise, I'd have thrown up.

I was sad but...

Well, I'll be in Paris for 2 days,
so maybe we could...

Maybe we could what?

Have dinner together.

Who's working the fitting rooms?

- I'm going right back.
- Please do!

Those cases of leggings
aren't too heavy for you?

No, not too.

Then take them up to the stockroom.

- Jolly!
- It's one of her nicer days.

Well!

So where you taking me to dinner?

I get off at 7.

Meet me at the café
across the street.

Okay.

You'll think of something.

See you tonight then.

What is this Magic Fabric?

Well, it's a scarf,
a kerchief, a bandana,

a scrunchie, a bandeau and a headband.

Yes, ladies!
Got a big meeting?

A job interview?
I'm ready. I look terrific.

For a more relaxed look,

Your Magic Fabric
becomes a scrunchie!

Practical!

It turns cold! I'm freezing!

And your Magic Fabric
becomes a fabulous scarf!

Pretty great, huh?

Mango?

No, thanks.

A gift.

That's so nice, thank you!

Go tell the guys.

Street vendor on the run!

What did he do?

What's the problem?

No, that's mine.
I just bought those 2 boxes.

What'll you do with
all those avocados?

Guacamole.

What'll you do
with all that fruit?

Pies?

Can't you just let the guy work?
What do you care?

This is all I could save.

Do they bother you often?

So you're always on the run.

By the way, my name's Brigitte.

And you?

Abou or Apu?

Apu.

Is that Pakistani?

Indian.
Me Indian.

You Paris?

No, I'm from Normandy.
The Pays de Caux.

In the country.

I'm a farmer. Cows.

We breed them

to sell them.

Or the slaughterhouse.

Back home, that's forbidden.

Of course!

The sacred cow.

That's good.
I don't like to see our animals die.

- What do I owe you?
- Six euros.

For you. Thank you.

No, you have to sell them!

Sir, would you like a case of avocados?

I'm now the buyer here, ma'am.

Him, friend of cops.

Hello, Stan.

Tragic Fabric!

How's it going?

Fine.

Listen, I'm sorry but...

I have to cover for a pal.

Nothing serious
but they're freaking out.

Their babysitter didn't show and
they need an emergency replacement.

Oh, okay.

Come along! I told them.
They're cool, they don't mind.

It's embarrassing.

Even for the kids, it's not too...

They've got a fabulous apartment.

Yeah, maybe...

But I'm uncomfortable.

I've got another idea.

I'll go put the kids to bed

and you show up later.
How's that?

The parents really said okay?

I told you, they're cool.

It's not up for discussion.

You dumped me once,
you've got no choice.

Xavier, I warn you, it's pot luck!

We out of ice cubes?

If the freezer's empty,
there's a good chance we're out!

I didn't hide them in the cupboard.

What a dummy, I swear!

Did Brigitte get in okay?

I don't know, I'll call her later.

Fred said she's upset about her rash.

She's seeing the dermatologist
you recommended.

Who? Chapuis?

I don't know.
The one you saw for your mole.

Yeah, Dr. Chapuis.
But he retired a year ago.

She said she had
an appointment with him tomorrow.

I swear, it's impossible.

Please, go calm them down!

The last time I called,
the receptionist said...

Maybe he has a replacement.
Maybe she made an appointment with him.

Maybe.

We need... white wine!

Help yourself to the Laughing Cow!

- Ciao ragazza!
- Hi!

- Got the door code?
- I'll check your text.

Hello? Hello?

Hello, Xavier?

I was gonna call you.

- Everything okay?
- I'm going to the movies.

Is it open?

You trying to call me?
My battery's dead!

The appointment's tomorrow, yes.

B as in Brigitte,

1974.

I've gotta go.
I can't find the right street.

Yes, I'll be careful.

- Are you still there?
- Sleep well.

You have to push.
Push hard.

You okay?

Fine.

I put the kids to bed but they woke up.

Your voice does carry.

Let's forget it.

- I want my mom.
- Your mom's not here.

You'll see her tomorrow.

How come your mom's here
and not ours?

- Great start.
- Isn't it?

No.

You jumped!

They're asleep.

Yippee.

What's that?

I'm allergic to perfume.

It'll go away.

You good at rolling joints?

No.

- No?
- Not really.

Not great, anyway.

Me neither. I suck.

My old roommate
could roll 3 papers. Or a tulip.

Ever done tulips?

- Tulips?
- Yeah.

No, I've never done a tulip.

It's like a flower.

It's hard to roll.
Easier than a Brazilian whistle but...

That's true.

Perfect.

So...

A little filter

for our little doobie.

Something wild happened to me today.

I was buying tangerines from a guy
outside a subway station,

when the cops pounced on him.
It was awful!

A Pak?

No, he was Indian.

You know what?

He should go into DVD pirating.

Much more lucrative than fruit.

I buy 'em all the time.
Usually they don't work.

No skin off their nose!

They con us and we shut up.

- Stan, we can't sleep!
- I'm gonna fucking kill those brats!

Coming!

- What is it?
- I'm not sleepy!

I'll tell your mother!

- Brigitte!
- Leave Brigitte out of this!

Excuse me,
my key was demagnetized, Miss.

I'll fix that right away.

Sorry.

- Thank you, good night.
- Good night.

Stop acting so coy!
They won't eat you.

What an idiot!

Hi!
Sorry for the noise!

I set off the alarm with my cigarette.

Oh, it's you!

You should notify reception.

I just did.
They're on their way up.

What's your accent?

I'm Danish.
From Copenhagen.

- Dansk!
- Okay.

So you're a tourist?

I'm here for the conference.

The conference?

The dental conference.
I'm a periodontist.

What is that?

A gum specialist.

And isn't this bad for your gums?

Oh, well, nobody's perfect!

I warn you,
I'm about to break another rule!

Didn't see a thing!

Don't be mad if I close the window.
That noise!

No, I envy you.

Good night.

You, too!

Hello, I'd like to make an appointment
with Dr. Chapuis, please.

And he has no replacement?

Is there another dermatologist
in your office?

Fine, thank you.

Everything okay?
How about a cocktail?

Good morning.

Brigitte. What a surprise.

- You okay?
- I'm okay.

I forgot my cell phone.

I know, it's in my jacket.

Could you get it for me?

No.

I can't budge.
You know the boss!

So?

My break's at noon.
Meet me out front.

And so nicely put.

Régis, I have to go away.
Can you stay here overnight?

Yeah.
You meeting your wife?

No. I mean, it's complicated.

I have an errand and
I'm not sure if I'll be back tonight.

Can you take over till I get back?

Sure, I'll just let Célia know.

- I'll obviously pay you extra.
- I hope so.

And if you could
not mention this to Brigitte,

I'd appreciate it.

- You could have told me!
- What?

I've been waiting 20 minutes.

- Can I have my cell phone?
- Yeah.

Hold this.

Hope you don't mind,
I had to call a guy in Costa Rica.

Humor.
Know what that is?

So, are we even?

Thanks.

Sorry.

Can I have my burger or...?

Thank you.

Is the subway that way?

Yeah, that's the Pyramides station.

Where do you wanna go?

To buy some fabric
at the Marché Saint-Pierre.

Gonna whip up a pair of Bermudas?

You're more the bus type, aren't you?

Take the 81,
it's right there on the avenue.

Go to Place Clichy, then walk.

- Perfect.
- There you go!

So I'll get going.

Don't change your habits.

Just disappear without warning.

You know, they have websites
for you chicks now -

you cougars!

Hello!

How are you?

Not bad.

I'm sorry,

I don't even know your name.

- Brigitte.
- Pleased to meet you.

I'm Jesper.

How's the water?

Fine.

How about taking a walk with me?

They want to take us to Montmartre.

But group activities
really aren't my style.

Well, I mean...

I'm busy tonight.

And before tonight?

It's not late.

How elegant! As if you go
to the opera every night.

And you to Siberia!

He's so cute!

Do you have any other children?

- Yes, I had a daughter.
- No, "I have a daughter."

No, I had a daughter.

Where was this taken?

- Where?
- Gilleleje Sjaelland.

It's even hard for us to pronounce.

We have a beach house there.

Sorry, I...

No problem!
That's my wife, Ingeborg.

How about it?

- The Ferris wheel?
- Yeah!

Isn't it dangerous?

Not at all. Come on!

Come with me!

- We should take the crosswalk.
- It's fine.

People in Paris
always use the crosswalk.

It's very dangerous!

You may not know this

but the first amusement park
was built in Copenhagen.

The Tivoli.

In 1843.

And its founder, a guy named

Georg Carstensen,

convinced King Christian VIII

that he had to build such a park.

He said,

"When the people have fun,
they forget politics."

You okay?

Not really.

Relax.

Look!
We're rising very slowly.

Take in the view.

I definitely don't want to look.

Talk to me, please.
Say anything but please talk.

So...

The Tivoli Gardens
are in the center of Copenhagen,

right near the station.

At night, when it's all lit up,
it's really magnificent!

That inspired Walt Disney...

Don't talk.
Please, don't talk.

I'd prefer you don't talk.

Are we going down soon?

What do you mean?

It just started.

- Feeling better?
- Yes, I'm sorry.

No, I shouldn't have
dragged you on that thing.

What time is it?

I have a date with my sister-in-law.

My husband's sister.

She lives in Paris
and insisted we have dinner together.

You still haven't told me
why you came to Paris.

No, that's true, I haven't.

If I recall correctly,
the boulevard's that way.

There are lots of places to eat.

I'll manage!

Don't be mad but I have to run.

Would you rather shake hands?

In case your sister-in-law sees us.

No, you can kiss my cheek.

- You sure?
- Sure!

And if she's seen us,
what will you say?

That I've never been able
to resist a tall handsome Dane.

Bye!

When you get back,
meet me at the hotel bar.

I'll surely be drowning my sorrows.

Don't get yourself in such a lather!

- Then you shouldn't cuddle!
- I didn't cuddle!

Goodbye!

No, see you later!

I like this place
because it hasn't changed.

Now they're redoing
every café and bistro.

They paint them all burgundy.

They hang the same trendy light fixtures.

And those huge TV screens!
That makes me crazy!

I'm happy to pay for my food

but I refuse to watch soccer
or shitty music videos!

Sure.

Ladies, are you ready to order?

No,

we're not.

I think we should have an aperitif!

We don't dine together every day!

What would you like?

I don't know. A vermouth.

Great idea! Two vermouths.

With maybe some olives or whatever.

Cute.
Not too bright but cute.

My life's a desert these days.

Deadsville.

- How so?
- My love life.

One of them...

I won't even tell you, it's so...

But I did click with one guy!

Well, nothing will ever happen but...

we could be friends.
Not great looking

but funny.

Kind of like my brother.

Good evening.

Not bad but I prefer the waiter.

Not so loud maybe.

He obviously doesn't speak French.

He must be Swedish or Finnish.

I always found Scandinavians bland.

Not hairy enough!

We were starting to die of thirst!

And the olives? If I drink on an empty
stomach, I'll be dancing on the table.

Right away, ma'am.

Shall we clink?

Today, everything's business!

Those capsule coffee machines
are really hot,

so now they make tea capsules.

Frankly, how hard is it
to use a tea bag?

I don't think it'll catch on.
Bad idea!

And once they go bankrupt,

the capsules will disappear

and there'll be machines
all over eBay!

Speaking of eBay,
I've been looking for a hammock.

I found a great one but it's 400 euros!

Kind of pricey for a hunk of cloth,
don't you think?

Like you said, it's all business.

By the way, how did it go
with the dermatologist?

Great.

Well, you know what I mean.

Did he prescribe anything?
Xavier said it's much worse.

Yeah.

Now we'll see if...

Show me.

I'm not gonna...

I've seen your rash before!

Still, it's...

That's no reason to...

Just unbutton your blouse!

Christiane, stop! I said no.

Excuse me...

I'm not Finnish or Swedish.

I'm Danish.
I just wanted to...

clear that up.

Goodbye.

How embarrassing!

But I didn't say anything mean.

Shit! Why didn't he speak French
from the start?

So he turns up in my office, all smiles.

He just wanted to slip me the file.

But you know me, I won't be had!

I even said,
"No hot potatoes for me!"

There's a cab!
Taxi!

Good night!

Tell Xavier to call me once in a while!
I always have to call him.

Okay.
Get home safe, Christiane!

Remember me?
Bruno Massoulier,

Superior Breeding Equipment.

My partner and I stopped by last year.

I sold you some udder supports.

And a calf igloo!
With a pen, I think.

Yes, that's right.

This is my wife, Stephanie.

Your husband...
I don't know what you thought

but I was disappointed with the show.

They promise you feathers
and dancing girls.

Then once you see the show
which you've paid for,

there's nothing you can do!

Evening, sir.

Anyway, it was great!

Well, we should be going.

- Have a nice evening.
- You, too.

That's not her husband.

Anything wrong?

I think we should call it a day.

Can we go back together?

Or would you prefer
to take a separate taxi?

How about some music?

Monica Zetterlund.

- Did I pronounce that right?
- Great.

She was Swedish.

My father's Swedish.

So Christiane wasn't completely wrong.

- It's lovely.
- Very.

A little sad, too.

What's it about?

I'd better go.

That's absurd.

Good night, Jesper.

So that's it!

The forbidden territory.

Have you ever been to the Dead Sea?

I ask because back home,
in Denmark,

when people have

eczema or psoriasis, like you,

social security
covers their travel expenses

to go to the Dead Sea, in Israel.

Apparently, it has healing properties.

But then...

I have my own methods.

What's with you?

You always go to the toilet
when it's time to pay!

Want me to pee my pants?

Are you shittin' me?

- I'm always forking out!
- Next time I'll pay!

You'll find another excuse
for me to pay!

What do you want me to do?

Sign a fucking affidavit?

Didn't we say
you'd fill the tank this time?

- That's enough!
- I'm sick of your con games!

Dad?
What are you doing here?

I had to see a customer,
so I thought I'd make a detour.

Don't worry about me.

Dad, did you have something to tell me?

Just take care of yourself.

Come see us more often.

You bet.

I defy anyone
to make more disgusting pasta!

She'll be back, don't worry.

How do you know?

Because I do.

Your wife loves you.

Did you hear something?

See something?

No.

But I'm here

with you both.

I can sense things.

I went to Paris.

I saw her with a man.

That's what happens.
When you're too curious,

you stupidly get hurt.

She's cheating on me, Régis.

Lying and cheating.

Haven't you ever cheated on your wife?

I'm sorry to be so direct but...

you got laid then you came home.

I remember,
she was sitting here in the kitchen, too.

She was crying.

She thought you'd leave her.

She was completely shattered.

And I said the same thing to her.

How did she know?

I think she followed you.

You're alike.

That's why you love each other.

I'm going home.

Can I come in late tomorrow?

Of course.

I hope you enjoyed your stay with us.

Thank you.

Have a nice day.

Same to you. Goodbye.

- How was your trip?
- Great.

Was the train crowded?

No, it was almost empty.

So what did the doctor say?

He recommended I go to Israel.

To the Dead Sea.
It apparently works wonders.

The sun, the salt water.

And the mud baths.

He says that's the best.

Mr. Fontanel, when you buy a bull,

there's no guarantee,
like for a kitchen appliance.

Let me be clear,

we won't reimburse you one cent.

That'll be the day!

You think you struck gold
but I'm no pushover!

Then I'll see you in court!

I offered you an exchange in writing

and you never responded.

Call again at night
and I'll beat the shit outta you!

Understand?

The hick!

Leaving you alone did you good!

Why didn't you turn left?

I also did some shopping.

The sales are still on.

Second markdown!

Pretty, isn't it?

And I bought some fabric

to make new living room curtains.
I'm sick of that velvet.

You okay?

Yeah, fine.

You're sweet to take me here.

And you wore your nice shirt and tie.

What are you competing for today?

What do you think?

I don't know.

The scallops?

That's for me.

And tournedos for the gentleman.

Enjoy your meal!

What's the matter?

Miss!

This isn't tournedos,
it's rump steak.

That is the tournedos.

I'll go check but...

Please do.

You didn't even taste it.

I don't need to waste a piece of meat.

It's not tournedos,
it has the texture of rump steak.

I'll go ask the chef.

Excuse me, but I'm going to start.
It's not her fault.

Was I yelling at her?

Calm down.

I'm very calm.

The chef says it is tournedos.

Taste it!

You're pissing me off!

I'm tasting it and now I repeat,

it's rump steak.

May I see the chef, please?

Eat before it gets cold.

I know you've got balls!
You demonstrated that in the car.

Don't goad me or you'll be sorry.

All this for a piece of meat?

Don't lecture me, okay?

This is a fish restaurant.

I'm sorry, the chef's too busy.

He swears it's tournedos
but if you'd prefer something else...

So I'm out of my mind?

If he can't move his ass,
bring him this

so he can taste his tournedos!

Change your tone
or I'm leaving.

I breed cattle.

I know the difference
between tournedos, which is here,

and rump steak,
which is fucking here!

I'm sorry, bring us the check.

Sorry? That takes the cake!
You turn the other cheek?

What are you talking about?

I'll get the check.

Can't you just eat what they served?

But it's not tournedos!

Xavier, you coming to bed?

Yeah, I'm coming.

What's with Big Jim?
Still his hoof?

No, I think he's depressed.

Ever since we separated him
from Bora Bora.

When they romped around together,
he was fine.

When he didn't see her,
he thought she was gone.

So he's gone to pot.

But she's back.
He can see she's back.

Yeah, but I think he's panicking.

He's afraid it won't be like before.

Or if he'll be good enough?

Obviously, he will!

Nothing's changed.
Tell Big Jim!

Everything's back in order.

Are you sure?

Yes.

What's the matter?

As you know,
the internet and I never hit it off.

Yeah.

And so?

I wanted to make you happy,

so I went onto a travel website

and booked 2 weeks in Israel.

I don't believe it!

You'll unlock the secrets
of the Dead Sea.

Are you kidding?

No, I swear.

Except...

I wasn't careful and...

we're going to Tel Aviv
by way of Glasgow, Scotland.

- I didn't see it wasn't direct.
- It'll take all day!

Almost.
And the return flight stops in Lisbon.

It was in small print.

Obviously.

They don't put that
in big, flashing red letters.

If you want, we can cancel.

No, we're not canceling anything.

- Shall we go anyway?
- Yes!

I think it'll do us good.

I hope so!

That's a watering trough.

But we call it a watering hole.

It's always clogged,
so you have to clean it out.

Open the latch!

Keep the straw from clogging it!

Go right to the bottom

and clean everything out.

Just like that.
Understand, Apu?

Straw.

Right!
Keep an eye on him anyway.

What else can we show him?

Mash.

Right.

The mashed beets. Let's go!

You're obviously not
the one carrying that suitcase.

You don't need a sweater,
it's hot there.

Xavier, please let me do this alone.
It'll be faster.

Don't forget my Bermudas.

I packed his Bermudas.

You're about to come to a road...

on your right.

Leading where?

Surprise!

What a welcome!

Okay! Now I see!

This is insane.

With the desert as a backdrop.

D'you see all the fans?