Pardon My Blooper (1974) - full transcript

(loud music)

- [Announcer] Ladies and gentleman,

the President of the United States.

Hoover Heever.

♫ You blew it

♫ You blew it you blew it you blew it

- [Narrator] Hottest for the breast,

best bread rolls.

- [Man] Oh, good luck.

- [Narrator] Ask for August Brothers.

For the breast, best bread and rolls.



You know, I've ever tasted.

I knew that had to
happen one night friends.

♫ You blew it

♫ You blew it you blew it you blew it

- [Narrator] The rumor that the president

would veto the bill is
reported to have come

from a high white horse souse.

♫ You blew it

♫ You blew it you blew it you blew it

- [Man] And this is your
Uncle Don saying goodnight.

♫ Goodnight little kids goodnight

We're off?

Good, well that oughta
hold the little bastards.

♫ You knew it



♫ You knew it the moment you blew it

- Here's a question that I'm sure

will be of interest to golfers everywhere.

As the wife of a famous
golfer, are you superstitious?

- Oh I most certainly am superstitious.

Every night before a big tournament

I always kiss his balls.

♫ You knew it

♫ You knew it the moment you blew it

- [Narrator] Governor
Ronald Regan has arrived

at the convention in Miami Beach.

Where is he?

Wait a minute, one more time.

Where he is expected to
make his personal plea

to the GOP Platflorm, Platform.

Where he is expected to
make his personal pea

to the GOPlea Pretfall Kermitee.

I blew it.

♫ You blew it

♫ You blew it you blew it you blew it

(upbeat music)

- [Announcer] Got your 28 seconds to go.

There's the snapback from center,

looks like a pass, it is.

A pass, it's intercepted by Urskowski.

He's at the 10, the 20, the 30.

He's past the midfield, he's running wild.

He's going, he's going,

look at this son of a bitch run!

♫ You knew it

♫ You knew it the moment you blew it

- [Man] And now before I
ask you our first question,

what do you do for a living my good lady?

- I'm a maid and I take
care of a large family.

- [Man] How large of a family?

- Let's see.

Four boys, three girls, one
adult, and one adultress.

(audience laughs)

♫ Darling you blew it

♫ Ah how could you do it?

(upbeat music)

- [Reporter] Senator
Fulbright, you think that the

Vietcong will honor the peace?

- [Fulbright] They are as I said.

They have conducted themselves

in the last three years
much more discrete,

discret, discreted, discret, discret,

discreeted with greater prudence

and discretion than we have.

Because you need, I forgot
what the question was.

(everyone laughs)

♫ You blew it

♫ Darling you blew it

♫ How could you do it?

- [Narrator] That's the water report from

the International Airport
here in Anchorage, Alaska.

Now I'll take a leak out the window

to see if it's freezing
outside our studio.

♫ You blew it you blew it you blew it

(upbeat music)

(speaking gibberish)

- [Narrator] Ladies and gentleman,

anyway you look at it, we are
having trouble on the cable.

(loud upbeat music)

- [Announcer] Good
afternoon football fans.

This another Saturday football game

between the University of Alabama

and the University of Mississippi.

Which was brought to
you under the auspices

of the NAACP.

Hoo.

That'll be the day.

Under the auspices of
NCAA College Football.

In color.

- [Narrator] Howdy Doody.

Featuring Buffalo Bob Smith

and his talented group of puppeteers

was one of television's
most popular kid's shows.

The popularity of this
memorable children's program

has lived on long after the program ended.

Let's relive one of the classic moments

of Howdy Doody Time which proves that

out of the mouths of babes,

often really do come gems.

So, listen carefully now
to Buffalo Bob's interview

with this youngster.

- [Bob] What's your name little fella?

- [Boy] Kenneth.

- [Bob] How old are you Kenneth?

- [Kenneth] Five.

- [Bob] Five.

Kenny, did you ever do anything wrong?

- [Kenneth] I farted.

- [Bob] I see.

And you think they should
get a spanking then, huh?

- [Kenneth] No.

- [Bob] Okay, thank you
very much little fella.

(laughs)

Come over, Mr. Cobb.

Talk to the boy for a minute.

- [Cobb] What happened Buffalo?

- [Narrator] Contestants on quiz programs

are usually nervous because they know that

valuable prizes are being
offered for correct answers.

- [Host] And now we have a
very attractive young lady

here at our microphones.

What's your name?

- Mrs. Renee Robertson.

- [Host] And what are you doing in town?

- I'm on my honeymoon.

- [Host] Your honeymoon?

Well, are you enjoying it?

- I'm enjoying every inch of it.

(audience laughs)

(upbeat music)

- [Woman] Wherever you go,

whether it be Florida or California,

the most relaxed way to enjoy your trip

is to go by bus.

And it's safe too, especially a holiday

when drinking and driving do not mix.

Go by bus and leave the drinking to us.

- [Weather Man] That's the news.

The weather, fair through tomorrow.

No rain in the forecast.

Center titty temperature.

Center shitty, city temperature.

Ah, shit.

- [Narrator] Beauty pageants on television

are among the highest rated programs.

Hundreds of young women
from around the world

compete for various
coveted titles each year.

One of the most successful
of these annual events

is the Miss Universe contest.

Where great pressures
surrounds all persons involved

in this glamorous TV event.

- [Announcer] Oh my, you can
almost feel the excitement

as the five Miss Universe finalists

are getting ready for the crowning.

I've never seen five more expecting girls.

You know what I mean.

We'll return to the Miss
Universe pregnant in a moment.

Pageant.

- [Man] Branded, starring Chuck Conners.

Upchucking Friday, upcoming Friday.

- [Narrator] The unpredictable
nature of the weather

sometimes brings on emergency conditions.

Mother Nature leaves weather forecasters

and meteorologists very little time

to check weather bulletin copy in advance.

- [Announcer] From his
emergency flood headquarters

at City Hall, Mayor
Freeman has just ordered

all families living near or adjacent

to the Mill River to
ejaculate immediately.

Evacuate immediately.

- [Woman] And here's a shopping
tip for all you ladies.

Charlie McFarlan's Meat
Market has a special

on sirloin steaks.

Only 89 cents a pound.

So remember ladies,

no one can beat Charlie McFarland's...

(laughs)

- [Man] And now, the BBC
forecast for northern England.

- [Weather Woman] And the
forecast for Northern England

is incest and rain.

That is incessant rain.

Oh Lord.

(loud rain and alarms)

- [Announcer] Ladies and gentleman,

while our game is being
temporarily held up

because of rainy weather
here at Dodger Stadium,

our well-known organist,

who is located in the center field stands,

is going to entertain you
by diddling on his organ.

- [Narrator] Commercial
copywriters also have their

bad moments in radio and television.

Their copy can often
result in the unsuspecting

announcer becoming the victim
of the copywriter's blooper.

- [Woman] And remember,
at 60 Second Laundry,

we don't tear your clothes by machinery,

we do it carefully by hand.

- [Weather Woman] As we
look at the weather map,

we see a cold front with
forecast of subzero temperatures.

With tomorrow's forecast
for continued mild.

Continued mild?

The expected frigid weather is due to

a cold mayor's asses.

Cold air masses moving down from Canada.

In the northwest, Tolina got
six inches during the night.

I mean, Helena, Montana
got six inches of snow

during the night.

- [Announcer] Early this evening,
police raided a warehouse

containing over $80,000 of marijuana,

hashish and opium.

More news after this message.

See a CBS special on marijuana.

Get the habit.

Stay tuned to this channel.

- [Man] Stay tuned now for a dramatization

of Dicken's immortal Sale of Two Titties.

Tales of Two City.

- [Narrator] Telethons are
long, late night programs

devoted to raising money for
charitable organizations.

Celebrities, as well as
public spirited citizens,

donate their time to help
these worthwhile causes.

As with this popular comedian, Namsterdam,

doing his bit for a worthwhile cause.

- [Man] Oh here's a note
that was just handed to me.

Mr. And Mrs. Gol of the
Bronx sent in two dollars.

Oh, there's a note here,
tell Teresa to go to bed.

Alright, Teresa will go
to bed for two dollars.

What, I'm sorry.

- [Narrator] Man on the street programs

run the risk of catching
interviewees off guard

with the result that the
unexpected often occurs.

- [Interviewer] Pardon me, madam,

I wonder if you'd mind
answering a question

for our survey.

Are you a natural born
citizen of the United States?

- Oh no, I was born cesarean.

- [Narrator] Broadcasters are flooded

with public service messages.

A portion of which under
law must be given air time.

The many government agencies
sometimes cause much confusion.

- [Man] So be sure to write or visit

your social secure shitty office

for this free booklet.

This message is brought
to you as a public service

by your department of wealth and helfare.

- [Narrator] The water pollution problem

has once again struck.

The pollution inspector
commented about the problem,

saying that he personally
passed the drinking water.

(clears throat)

- [Announcer] We will return

to our great movie of the month,

Willett on the Run,
after this message from

Phillips Milk of Magnesia.

- [Man] Seven brothers and seven sisters?

- Mmhmm.

- How many children do you have?

- One.

- Only one?

- Give me a chance, I've
only been married a month.

(audience laughs)

- [Announcer] And as we
take a continuing leak at,

I mean look at the news,

we have this story from
Richmond, Virginia,

where a herd of cattle broke
loose from their corral,

at a nearby cattle ranch,

and raced crazily through
a tobacco plantation.

And now this word about a
different tasting cigarette.

- [Man] Take two.

- [Woman] Today's young
people know a good thing.

So get into the swing of
things with a refreshing 7-Up.

You'll recognize it with the
big 7 on it and u p after.

(laughs)

- [Director] Cut!

- [Woman] I think I did that wrong.

(laughs)

- [Narrator] Many people
who come to the shores

of this country for the first time,

have obvious language difficulties.

And they sometimes become
the innocent victims

of the language barrier.

- [Man] We asked Mrs. Gonzalez,

a recent airlift arrival from Cuba,

how she felt about
leaving her home in Cuba

and arriving in America,
to find a new life

for herself and her family.

- [Mrs. Gonzalez] It's great.

No more Fidel Castrate.

- [Man] Are they uh...

- [Man] We then ask Mrs.
Gonzalez how many children

she had and what her
husband did for a living.

- [Mrs. Gonzalez] I have 14 children.

My husband's an automatic
screwing machine.

- [Narrator] Veteran
broadcaster Lowell Thomas,

has an uncontrollable sense of humor.

When something in his news
copy strikes him funny,

he often breaks up.

Let's listen to this classic example.

- [Man] Here's Lowell Thomas.

- [Lowell] President Eisenhower today

visited the Chocolate City.

The president driving
into Hershey, Pennsylvania

to celebrate his 63rd birthday.

30,000 or more people were cheering him.

All the folks who make Hershey chocolate

with and without nuts.

Fred Waring was on hand

to conduct a chorus of 1,800.

Ben Hogess (laughs)

on how he drives the golf ball.

And that was a spader (laughs)

(laughs and mumbles)

I won't putter around with that one.

(laughs)

- [Announcer] See a TV special.

The Russian Bolshoi Ballet.

In a never to be remembered
performance Sunday at 9.

- [Man] This is a pubic service.

A public service announcement.

When you drive, be sure
to keep a safe distance

from the car in front of you.

(car brakes and crashes loudly)

Tailgetting will get you nowhere.

Tailgating!

Oh boy.

- [Man] And now here's the latest

on the Middle East crisist.

Crisis.

Lesbian forces today attacked Israel.

I beg your pardon, that
should be Lesbanese.

Lebanese.

- [Narrator] The risking of life and limb

by newsmen is not
confined to battle fronts.

(loud car horn and braking)

- [Reporter] What they
trying to do, kill me?

- Schmuck.

(loud dog barking)

- Where'd this son of a
bitching dog come from?

(loud pigeon cooing)

Ah shit, I give up.

- [Man] Register to vote.

And for your convenience,

the North Hampton County
Whorehouse will have extra help.

The North Hampton County
Warehouse, whorehouse (laughs).

Yeah, will have extra help.

(laughs)

Courthouse, I'm alright.

- [Man] This portion of Petticoat Junction

is brought to you by the
American Home Company.

Makers of fine products for your can.

American Can Company,
makers of fine products

for your home.

(loud trumpet music)

- [Announcer] Now, just before we get down

to the feature race, it
looks very much today

in the opinion of the
experts that it's gonna

be a very, very close
contest between Dolly Jane

and that beautiful new bay, Harass.

Now, oh just a minute, just a minute fans,

I've noticed here that
Harass is not gonna run.

Remember now, Harass is not gonna run.

Be sure to scratch Harass.

- [Woman] Well it's all over now

and all the scores are in
after a grueling 54 hole

lady's golf championship.

Which was played on three
separate 18-hole golf courses.

We now switch you to the 18th green

for the trophy presentation.

- [Man] I consider it indeed a privilege

to be able to present a magnificent trophy

to Miss Helen Douglass,

the new state intercourse champion.

- [Announcer] Beach Boy Murph the Surf

and his alleged accomplice, Jack Griffith,

are soon to stand trial for the murder

of the two girls who
were found in a canal.

The younger girl had been shot fatally

and her companion was killed by a blow

on the back of the head
with a sharp object.

And both of the attractive young women

were stabbed in the upper abdomen.

Their bodies were tied around the neck

with electrical cord,
to two concrete blocks.

Police suspect foul play.

(crowd cheers)

- [Announcer] The pitcher has the signal.

Here comes the pitch, a
fastball, in there for a strike.

He takes a ball.

Here comes the pitch, for a strike.

You know, it's a curious thing.

I've been watching this
young couple in the stands,

who must be newlyweds.

It seems that he kisses her on the strikes

and she kisses him on the balls.

- [Man] And in the head on collision

of the two passenger cars,

five people were killed in the crash.

Two seriously.

- [Woman] You have heard the expression,

an apple a day keeps the doctor away.

Well, the same holds true
with delicious tasting,

unsweetened prune juice.

A water extract of dried prunes

made from California prunes.

Try some each morning at breakfast time

and you'll be off and running
for the rest of the day.

- Bleh.

- [Man] Cut.

Cut it.

God damn it.

- [Announcer] And now
ladies and gentlemen,

we'd like to introduce our cooking expert.

Who will tell you all about our new

Betty Baker's Crock Mix.

Betty Crocker's Bake Mix.

- Good morning.

Today, we are going to bake a spice cake.

With special emphasis on
how to flour your nuts.

- [Narrator] Bing Crosby,
one of the all-time

singing greats, proved
that he too, is human.

When he blew the lyrics of the song,

"Wrap Your Troubles in Dreams".

Listen carefully to this classic moment

that occurred in the 1930's.

♫ Assholes may tumble after all

♫ Life's really funny that way

♫ Sang the wrong melody

♫ Will play it back

♫ See what it sounds like hey, hey

♫ They cut out eight
bars the dirty bastards

♫ And I just know which
eight bars he was gonna cut

♫ Why don't somebody tell
me these things around here

♫ Holy Christ I'm going off my luck

- [Pastor] There can be no
greeting of the sun each day

without discontent in your heart.

- [Announcer] Amen and be
sure to listen next week,

when the topic of the sermon will be

Cast Thy Broad Upon the Waters.

This is the National Broadcasting Company.

- [Narrator] Wire
services that furnish news

to radio and television stations,

have been known to print two stories,

together, by accident.

- [Man] Most of those arrested

were booked on gambling
and prostitution charges.

President Nixon is trying to get a little

in the sun today, after
rain and dark skies

invaded the Florida Keys.

- [Man] It's delicious.

I mean, you'll enjoy every sip of it.

It's bright and it's bubbly.

And this smell of beer is brewed

with pukey mountain water.

Pure Rocky Mountain Water.

- [Announcer] The police found the body

with its legs and arms dismembered,

tied into a sack and floating in the bay.

I'll be back with more sports in a moment.

(loud fire alarm)

- [Woman] Your volunteer fire department

never has a day off.

When center cities firefighters

are collecting, be sure to support your

firemen's balls.

- [Man] This is the Dominion Network

of the Canadian Broadcopping Castration.

- [Woman] So ladies, if
it's a bikini you need

for the beach this summer,

the Bikini Shop will suit your needs.

The Bikini Shop has in
stock a large selection

of odd size bathing suits.

For a ridiculous figure.

♫ God rest ye merry gentleman

- [Announcer] We now here.

Deck o balls with.

Deck yo balls with.

Balls of holly yeah.

We now here.

Deck yo balls with.

Deck your bells with balls of holly.

A Christmas nation.

- [Woman] For a report about what women

throughout the world are
wearing in fashions this year,

TV Magazine of the Year
calls in our fashion editor.

- [ Fashion Editor] Fashion constant...

Fashion conscience women

are in for a busy two weeks.

This...

Phew.

Fascist cunt...

Fashion conscious women are
in for a busy two weeks.

As the spring and summer
collection roll out.

Italy starts the bowling rod.

Balling rope.

Italy starts the balling rolling.

Ball rolling.

Oh shit.

This week.

Excuse me, I blew it.

- [Woman] And another delightful extra

of BOAC's 747 flight is the pleasurable

in-flight high infidelity music.

At the touch of your fingertrips,

and which will help you
relax on your fright.

Oh, Lord.

- [Woman] This is sister Teresa,

extending an invitation
to all our neighbors

in any denomination to attend

our annual Peter pulling contest

at St. Taffy's Church.

Oh, I mean our taffy pulling
contest at St. Peter's Church.

- [Man] Now on the local scene,

last night, the shitty
sheriff, the city sheriff

was kept busy with three buggler, burg.

So much for the national news.

On the local scene,

the shitty sheriff, the city sheriff

was kept busy with three buggler, buglers,

burglars last night.

- [Woman] Notice the comfortable cups,

with the freedom of natural body movement.

Also, the Gentile holding stretch straps

that move with your every turn.

Wait a minute, cut it.

(laughs)

I goofed again.

Mmm.

As a mott, from the top.

(laughs)

Playtex take three.

- [Director] Cut.

Ah shit.

You stupid klutz will
be the death of me yet.

- [Announcer] So when you
fly to Paris this summer,

I suggest you also spend
a weekend seeing cans.

Cannes that is.

- [Interviewer] Alright young lady.

Now, here we go for the
giant jackpot question.

What is the Taj Mahal?

- [Contestant] Oh gee
I'm afraid I don't know.

(loud buzzer)

- [Interviewer] Oh oh, I'm awfully sorry

but you should know that the Taj Mahal,

located in India, is the greatest erection

man has ever had for woman
since time immemorial.

(laughs)

- [Announcer] This Sunday
watch the annual enema awards.

Enemy.

Emmy Award presentation piped

in live and in color from Hollywood.

- [Man] To qualify for President Johnson's

All-American Team, all you have to do

is perform a series of sit
ups, push ups, and throw ups.

(laughs)

- [Narrator] Announcers are
sometimes required to sample

the sponsor's product.

This announcer just
happened to be a non-smoker.

- We make this offer to help you discover

the real smoking pleasure
of these truly fine cig.

(coughs)

Cut the mic.

- [Announcer] There's only ten seconds

left in this exciting
tied basketball game.

Jefferson is dribbling, tosses to Hays.

He's in trouble and throws to Harrison.

He's going to make the shot.

No, he fakes to Jamison.

He shits and hoots.

I mean, he shoots and hits.

- [Angry Man] This is America.

- [Crowd] Yes.

- [Angry Man] Is this freedom?

- [Crowd] No.

- [Angry Man] Is this democracy?

- [Announcer] For the latest
report on racial strife

in the south, we switch
you to our reporter

in Montgomery, Alabama.

- [Angry Man] What do we want?

- [Crowd] Freedom.

- [Reporter] After a night
of tension here in Alabama,

caused by Bernie's Bad Members
of the Ku Ku Klux Klan,

the Ku Klotz Klan, the KKK.

- [Woman] Good morning ladies.

I'm awfully glad you're
with us this morning

because we have a very special recipe.

It's something that I'm sure
will surprise your husbands.

And it's called Frikin Chickesee.

Oh, I beg your pardon.

That's chicken fricassee.

- [Narrator] To relieve
the tension of live

sports commentary, sportscasters sometimes

put each other on.

Here's an example of leg pulling.

The victim is an unsuspecting
fellow announcer.

(bell rings)

- [Announcer] Pabst Blue Ribbon presents

another Pabst Blue Ribbon bout.

You people out in Portland, Oregon

can see the fights on WFAR TV

and in Denver, Colorado on WSHI TV.

Right now.

Let's look in on our friend,

Dill the Bartender.

- [Dill] How about joining me and a glass

of Blue Ribbon beer?

(water gurgling)

Mmmmm mmmm.

(belches loudly)

(laughs)

- [Man] You son of a bitch.

- [Announcer] As the astronauts
take the elevator ride

to the nose of the rocket,

we are gonna show you that film

of the astronaut's breakfast,

consisting of egg, sausages, toast,

orange juice, and steak,

which should be coming up shortly.

- [Man] We are speaking to you

from the National Bowling Championship,

featuring the nation's top blowers.

(laughs)

- [Woman] Ralph, I'm sure
you don't mean blowers.

- [Man] I meant bowlers.

And our next blower is Myrtle Haggard.

(laughs)

I mean our next bowler is Myrtle Hagarty.

- [Woman] You bowl is at home

to see Myrtle's beautiful
right to left hook.

Bowling experts rate her

as one of the best hookers in the game.

- [Man] Uhhh.

(loud helicopter)

- [Announcer] President
Johnson has just arrived

from Washington by helicopter

to dedicate this damn project.

(audience cheers loudly)

He is being warmly greeted
by the large throng

who have come to hear him speak.

(orchestra plays)

As the band plays a tribute to LBJ's rear,

the president makes his
way to the restroom.

Uh, restrom.

- [Man] See the continuing
story of Peyton Place

with the next installment
focusing on Dr. Rossi

who is responsible for all the babies

born in Peyton Place.

- [Announcer] Currently
Space Center, Florida.

A dream of the ages
was about to come true.

- [Man] See the Apollo Loony Landing.

Lunar landing on the moon.

When astronauts Armstrong and Aldrin

walked the surface of the moon

with Walter Cronkite.

- [Narrator] Big name athletes,

sometimes choose to work in
the field of broadcasting

when their sports career comes to an end.

Many of these athletes find
their new profession confusing.

Let's listen to this

former All-American fumble the following.

- [Man] Half time festivities
are now getting under way

after an exciting first half.

Football fans here in the
Bowl as well as home viewers

will be entertained by
girl bom and drugal core.

I mean, drug and drugal core.

Drug and bugal core.

- [Narrator] Let's
watch a novice announcer

being officially
initiated into his new job

in the field of broadcasting.

- [Man] So here is a
bulletin from our newsroom.

Washington D.C.

The colonies were thrilled
today as George Washington

made the long awaited crossing
of the Delaware River.

We have the first television pictures

of this historic event.

Hey, what the hell is this?

- [Man] April Fool.

- [Narrator] Innovation of television

brought with it a new
approach to politics.

This came in the form of debates

between political opponents and telecast

to natinonwide audiences.

- I've been listening to my opponent

make a damn fool of himself on television.

Now it's my turn.

(audience cheers and claps)

- [Announcer] And in the world of sports

Yogi Bear, I mean Yogi Berra,

great Yankee catcher, was
accidentally hit in the head

by a pitched ball.

Yogi was taken to the port of hospital

for x-rays of the head.

The x-ray showed nothing.

- [Man] Vice President
Humphrey got a boost

for a new job today.

Senator George McGoverns
says the Vice President

would be a good man to head
a worldwide war on Hungary.

Or, rather hunger.

- [Man] The sound effects men

have their share of troubles.

Let's tune in an early
radio dramatic program

for this moment of suspense.

- [Actor] Okay, you rat.

See this gun?

I'm gonna take this gun
and blow your head off.

(gun cocks)

Okay, you rat.

See this gun?

I'm gonna take this gun and
really blow your head off.

(gun cocks)

On the second thought,
I'm gonna take this knife

and slit your throat.

(loud gun shots)

- [Narrator] The late and great
actress, Tallulah Bankhead,

was known for her outspoken frankness.

As shown by this public service spot.

- [Tallulah] Hello darlings,
this is Tallulah Bankhead.

You know, I read something recently

that made me very happy.

Hopeful is a better word.

Let me quote a heart authority

from the Mayo Clinic.

He said, oh shit.

- [Narrator] During
emergency news remotes,

eye witnesses are sometimes called upon

to make a broadcast report.

In the confusion of the moment,

they often manage to come
up with the unpredictable.

- [Reporter] For an eyewitness report

on the tornado that hit
the migrant worker's camp,

Six o'clock news calls in
camp foreman Julio Martinez.

- [Julio] I'm the one
to give the report huh?

Do I have time to go
to the comfort station?

- [Reporter] Camp foreman Julio Martinez.

- [Julio] Watch for the signal huh?

The twister hit the migrant
camp with devastating force.

Several injuries were reported

with victims receiving
emergency treatment.

Migrant worker Raul Garcia,

he suffered several broken legs.

- [Announcer] The Girl Scouts in this area

are planning to form a
little mother's club,

much like they already
formed a little father's club

headed by their Scout Master.

All Girl Scouts interested
in becoming little mothers

are to meet with the Boy Scout Master

in the high school gym after this meeting.

- [Man] We now join a local news broadcast

where a newscaster has coined a new word.

- [Newscaster] Police
in Danvers this morning

discovered a half nude body of a man,

lodged in a sewer pipe.

Although not believed to be
connected to the current rash

of gangland slayings,

police have termed the death a sewercide.

- [Reporter] Well folks,
it's raining again

and the sun is shining.

I've heard it said that when it rains

when the sun is out, the
devil is beating his wife.

And it sure looks like he's
been banging her all week.

- [Announcer] For the
Philadelphia Warriors,

in the first half, Will
Chamberlain was high

with 27 points.

He was high, but I didn't
think he was that high.

Now the second half will be just starting

in just a moment.

Down on the basketball court,

the referee is getting
ready to blow the official.

(loud whistle blows)

- [Narrator] Let's
listen to this announcer

who is enjoying the New Years festivities.

(loud band music)

- [Announcer] Sports fans, pull up a chair

on the 50 yard line.

And plan to spend New Years Day

watching the college bowl games on NBC.

- [Man] So light up to pleasure

with a really filtered smoke.

Why not follow the example
of millions who light up.

Puff, and you'll say,
"My that's good coffee."

- [Narrator] For more than two decades,

Ed Sullivan was one of TV's
best known personalities.

Who presented scores of the
entertainment industry's

greatest talent on his
regular Sunday night show.

His highly rated program
was among the rare few

that were telecast live,

with the result that he was the victim

of many bloopers.

Here is how a preview announcement

of a group of Polish dancers sounded.

- [Ed] But now about next week's show,

we're gonna have for you
on this stage next week,

42 Polish dentists.

(loud music)

- [Man] Ed Sullivan was brought
to you alive from New York.

(laughs)

What?

- [Announcer] It's that time of year again

and only a few more shopping
days until Christmas.

So you men who are looking
for the perfect gift

for your loved one, surprise
her with a gorgeous screwing.

Gorgeous screwing.

She'll love a gorgeous
screw in wristwatch.

- [Man] Well rock and rollers,

it's time for our mystery guest contest.

If you guess the names of our next artist,

our sponsor will send
you two of the newest

Beatle albums.

Clue to this singer and
this is the only clue

I'm gonna give you,

is that she has two of the
biggest tits in the country.

- [Woman] Shirley is on the green

with her tee shot on this par three hole.

She needs this putt for a birdie.

Her putt should break
slightly to the right.

In yesterday's round, Shirley
took a douche on this hole.

(clears throat)

A deuce.

- [Narrator] There is
a word pronounced peon.

And spelled paean.

It means to praise.

But this ice cream
sponsor did not appreciate

this commercial announcer's
use of the word.

- [Announcer] And now it is my pleasure

to tell you about a truly fine product.

I personally find it very easy to paean

Brody's Ice Cream.

- [Narrator] On the spot news coverage

often brings the unpredictable.

The news man's only
recourse against indiscreet

remarks by sometimes
emotional interviewees,

is to turn off the mic
or unplug the mic cord.

- [Interviewer] You got a souvenir?

- [Man] I got a souvenir.

- [Interviewer] What is it?

- [Man] It's, I don't know,
it's a peace demonstrator's

flag, says peace in
Vietnam, we won't fight.

You know what they're gonna do with it?

Ever see a guy wipe his ass with it?

- [Reporter] All passengers
aboard both sunken vessels

were rescued by the Coast Guard
who sped to the crash scene.

The collision of the two boars,

the collision of the two
boats was blamed on the fog

which the captain of one vessel described

as being as thick as sea poop.

Pea soup.

(laughs)

- [Interviewer] Sporting events utilize

large sensitive concave microphone disks

designed to boost any audio

within its remarkable range.

Its purpose is to pick
up the realistic sounds

of the participants for viewers at home.

However, this unique microphone

has its drawbacks.

- [Man] Hey, Tommy.

Kick the crap out of him, Tommy.

Kick the shit out of him, Tommy.

- [Man] We pause at the end of the day

for tonight's inspirational message

which will be delivered
by Father Timothy Duncan,

from St. John's Parish.

Father Duncan.

We pause at the end of the day

for tonight's inspirational message,

which will be delivered
by Father Timothy Duncan

from St. John's Parish.

Father Duncan.

And now, Father Duncan.

Where the hell is he?

I think he went to take a leak.

- [Man] The vice president
arrived in South Florida today

on his executive jet
for a round of speeches

where he defended President
Nixon's wage price freeze.

The vice president also met
with members of the press

to answer any questions they
might have about the freeze

which took the nation by surprise.

And so ends daylight news coverage

of another busy.

And so ends daylight news coverage

of a busy day in Miami Beach
for Vice President Spiro.

And so ends daylight news coverage

of a busy day in Miami Beach

for Vice President Shapiro Agnew.

(laughs)

- [Man] It's community
chest time once again.

And when Miss.

It's community chest time.

When Miss Community Chest
knockers on your door,

give generously.

- [Announcer] For a report on
the latest traffic conditions,

we dial in Bruce Halloway
who's in his mobile unit

at the Clover Leaf just off the turnpike.

Take it away, Bruce.

Where the hell we get this one?

- [Man] Okay Brucie, where
are those big savage cars

you want to report about?

(laughs)

- [Announcer] Take it away, Bruce.

- [Man] This is Master
Control calling Studio B.

We can't seem to get through
in our traffic report

from Studio A.

Tom, will you give it a try please?

Thank you.

- [Announcer] For a report on
the latest traffic conditions,

we call in Bruce Halloway.

Who is in his mobile
unit at the Clover Life.

At the Clover Life.

Just off the.

Take it away Bruce you faggot.

- [Man] We'll be back to
the Sunday night movie

in just a moment on Channel Four.

Now here's a word about
another fine product.

Irregularity.

(chickens calling loudly)

- [Man] We will return
to the laying contest,

the egg laying contest,

after the judge tallies the eggs laid.

In the meantime,

we switch you to our outdoor arena

for a report on the tractor driver

and ho and farm contest winners.

- Here they are the final
results of the FFA Farm Contest.

Our tractor driver won by Jim Davis.

And one of our own
girls, Miss Betty Smith,

was chosen as the best whore.

Best hoer.

- [Narrator] One of radio's
oldest and most successful

dramatic series was Mr.
Keen, Tracer of Lost Persons.

Radio listeners from coast to coast

were amused to hear this inadvertent

transposition of the program title.

(slow dramatic music)

- [Man] We now bring you Mr. Keen,

Loser of Traced Persons.

- [Man] This is your Uncle
Fred with some exciting news.

Among the new arrivals at
the zoo is a spotted leopard.

It just arrived from Africa.

So kids, this Sunday,

ask your dad to take you
to see the newest resident

at the cat house.

- [Woman] So remember housewives,

when you're looking for
the best in tomato sauce,

be sure and stop in at
your fresh grocer's.

So remember tomatoes, housewives,

when you're looking for the best,

you'll find Hunt's Tomato Sauce

on your favorite grocer's can.

I mean shelf.

- [Woman] Our Make-A-Wish
cameras visited the home

of Melvin Burkewitz.

Melvin was invited to
our Make-A-Wish Studios

for his good behavior award.

Melvin, if you had a wish,
what would you want most?

- I want to go to the toilet.

(laughs)

- [Woman] This wash day,

try your community coinmatic laundromat.

There's never a wait,

all ladies who drop off their clothes

will receive prompt attention.

(loud explosion)

- [Announcer] The Atomic Age ushered in

the dawn of a new day.

With it came new technologies.

Among the more far reaching innovations,

was the new medium of communications.

Television.

The magical video screen brought

many historic and ofttimes shocking events

into the living rooms
of Mr. And Mrs. America

and their families.

However, nothing seen
on a television screen

stunned a TV audience more

than the blooper nightmare
you are about to witness.

It was destined to become

television's counterpart of the classic

Orson Welles Invasion from Mars.

On this memorable night,

TV watchers were getting ready to turn in

after their late night viewing habits

had come to an end.

When much to their amazement,

an unsuspecting public
saw the unbelievable.

- [Man] As we come to the
end of our broadcast day,

Channel Six brings you our
nightly inspirational message.

Tonight's sermonette will be delivered

by the Reverend Percival W. Gray

of the First Episcopalian Church.

- [Percival] Good evening.

For tonight's sermonette,
I believe it very fitting

in this day and age of
permissiveness and sin,

to emphasize how important the respect

that one should have for

one's mother and father in the home.

Remember, this thing being very good week.

Love thy neighbor.

And they in turn will love thee.

(phone rings)

- [Younger Woman] Good
morning Channel Six.

- [Older Woman] Yes, I'd
like, I'd like to know.

What is the name of this
movie that you're showing now?

- [Younger Woman] Madam
I have no knowledge.

Of any movie being shown at this time.

- [Older Woman] See I didn't
get in on the beginning

of it, and I can't find
it in the TV guide.

- [Younger Woman] Madam,
I have no knowledge

of any movie being shown at this moment.

Thank you for watching Channel Six.

(phone rings)

Good morning, Channel Six.

- [Man] What are you guys doing tonight?

(breathes heavily)

- [Younger Woman] I beg your pardon sir?

- [Man] Hey would you
care to go out with me?

Those wild movies, oh hoo.

- [Younger Woman] Sir, I am
going to call the police.

- [Man] Oh, wait you just listen to this.

- [Younger Woman] You just listen to this.

(loud slam of phone)

(phone rings)

Good morning, Channel Six.

- [Older Woman] Is this Channel Six?

What kind of movie y'all putting on now?

I tell you it (mumbles) my boyfriend.

We're sitting here, we're watching (laugh)

We really did get our enjoy.

Y'all gonna show them every night?

- [Younger Woman] I have
no knowledge of any movie

being shown at this moment.

- [Older Woman] Yeah,
you know the one I like

was that one with the black socks on.

He look like somebody I used to know.

Oh, that just tickled me so bad.

Y'all keep showing them you hear?

- [Younger Woman] Thank you
very much for your call madam.

Goodbye.

(phone rings)

Good morning Channel Six.

- [Man] Would you mind
telling me what in the hell

is going on at Channel Six?

- [Younger Woman] Sir, I don't know.

- [Man] Well, try to find out.

- [Younger Woman] Sir, I don't know.

I'm only the relief telephone operator.

- [Man] That's filth.

You hear what I said?

Filth.

Capital F filth.

- [Younger Woman] I
don't, I don't know sir,

I'm only the telephone operator.

- [Man] I know that is
just god damned crap.

You hear?

Just plain old crap.

- [Younger Woman] Thank you
for watching Channel Six.

(phone rings)

Good morning, Channel Six.

- [Woman] Hi, Channel Six.

Alright, on Channel Six, all I can say is

that, it's just really so
groovy where you're at.

I can't believe this.

- [Younger Woman] Can I help you?

- [Woman] I was doing my homework you know

and I just happened to look up,

you know, like I saw what was going on.

I just couldn't believe it

and it's you know, just so beautiful

to see that you're really with it.

- [Younger Woman] I beg your pardon?

- [Woman] I think sex education movies

are you know, just really beautiful

because that's where it's at.

- [Younger Woman] I'm not aware
of any sex education films.

Thank you for calling Channel Six.

(phone rings)

Good morning, Channel Six.

- [Man] Hey, good morning Channel Six.

You shouldn't, pardon
me but, I was on my way

to the kitchen to take a
little snack from the icebox.

And I use the TV set as a night light.

I'm not disturbing you at this hour am I?

- [Younger Woman] What is it you want sir?

- [Man] The picture, the
picture on Channel Six

is going to be a steady thing.

- [Younger Woman] Uh, sir, I know nothing

about any picture at this hour.

- [Man] Well, well.

- [Younger Woman] Sir, I really
can't do anything about it.

Thank you for watching
Channel Six goodbye.

(phone rings)

Good morning, Channel Six.

- [Older Woman] Hi, Channel Six?

Yeah, I wondered if you could
give me some information

on this picture that's on, like,

who does the casting for these?

- [Younger Woman] I know
nothing about any picture.

- [Older Woman] I thought maybe.

- [Younger Woman] I'm sorry,
you'll have to call back later.

(phone rings)

Good morning, Channel Six.

- [Man] Good morning.

This is Father McMannis.

- [Younger Woman] Oh, God.

- [Narrator] Rock music has
struck a responsive chord

in youth everywhere.

Let's listen to a DJ who
tripped over an introduction

of popular Sheb Wooley's big hit,

titled "Purple People Eater".

- [DJ] And now rock and rollers,

the number one song sweeping the nation,

Sheb Wooley sings his big hit,

"Purple Peter Eaters".

I'll try that again.

"Purple Peter Eaters."

No.

"Purple Peeble Eaters".

Ohh!

- [Announcer] After a
disappointing season last year,

the football team assembled at the stadium

to be shot.

That is to be photographed.

They should've been shot.

- [Narrator] Educational
programs on medicine

are often carried live.

Therefore, people's reactions

cannot be determined in advance.

A layman should be
excused for being nervous

when participating at a
demonstration of acupuncture.

The ancient art of curing illness

by piercing various parts
of the body with pins.

- [Man] I assume that this
is your first experience

with acupuncture?

- [Woman] Yes, it is.

- [Man] Could you describe the sensation?

- [Woman] Well it just
feels like a little prick.

Oh, you know what I mean.

- [Announcer] We'll return to Dr. Kildare

after this word about our new cough syrup

recommended by doctors.

(loud sniffling)

- [Woman] It's that
time of the year again.

Winter.

When millions of Americans are bothered

by the hard to shake off
cough of a common cold.

So take the advice of your drugist

and get this delicious
tasting cough syrup.

We promise you, you will
never get any better.

- [Actress] Yuck.

- [Woman] This station has
conducted our own survey,

getting citizen reaction to
this dangerous condition.

Sir, what is your reaction
to pollution in this city?

- [Man] Pollution?

I am all for it.

- [Announcer] This portion
of Country Jamboree

is brought to you by
Millie's Chicken Feast.

If you're looking for delicious
finger-lickin fried chicken,

try Millie's .

Millie specializes in
the parts you like best.

If it's legs, thighs,
or breasts you prefer.

Try Millie's.

- [Woman] Folks, this is Millie.

Get your delicious Kenfucky
Tried Ticken today.

- [Man] After her apprehension
by local authorities,

Miss Ellen Benson was
confined to a menstrual

menstitution for an indefinite period.

- [Man] Television has resulted in ulcers

for more than one network censor.

The following that happened
to an aspiring performer

on a nationwide amateur
hour, is a classic example.

(upbeat music)

(laughs)

- [Man] And now let's
take a leak at today's

Dow Jones Averages.

Leading the way are
several blue chief stocks,

I mean blue chop sticks,

blue chip stocks.

- [Woman] Rush hour
traffic moves very slowly

between 17th and 54th Streets.

Due to the large number of traffic signals

in this area.

We feel it's time our city council

did something to make
this red light district

safer for walking the street.

I mean, street walkers.

- [Narrator] Setting up a remote broadcast

take a lot of time and planning

on the part of the engineers and crew.

Here is what happened when the station

tried to go on the air before things

were completely set up.

- [Man] Now for a report
on the upcoming race,

we go to our camera crew on the scene.

We go to our camera crew on the scene.

Those bastards are asleep,
would you believe it?

- [Announcer] We promise
you the most exciting trip

of your life.

Just imagine those perfect days

under bright skies on white coral sand.

This is the best time of the
year for a perfect vacation.

So remember, when you fly to Bermuda,

be sure to take a plane.

- [Announcer] This special offer is good

for tomorrow only.

And the sale will take place
at our wholesale whorehouse.

The sale will take place
at our wholesale warehouse.

- [Man] President Elect
Nixon is making preparation

for his departure for his inauguration

in Washington D.C. where it is expected

that millions of Americans on radio and TV

will witness his swearing
on the steps of the capital.

- [Narrator] Eddie Peabody,
the great banjoist,

was introduced thusly.

- [Man] Ladies and gentleman,

Mr. Eddie Playbody will now pee for you.

- [Announcer] Here's a tip from Red Cross.

Lay the (laughs)

And now from the American Red Cross.

In case of drowning, lay the girl,

lay the drowning victim on her back,

and try mouth to mouth breeding.

- [Narrator] Daily soap operas

are usually presented live.

And under those
nerve-wracking circumstances,

even the most professional actors

can occasionally slip up.

(heavy breathing)

- [Man] Scalpel.

- [Woman] Scalpel.

- [Man] Hemostat.

- [Woman] Hemostat.

- [Man] Hypodeemic noodle.

- [Announcer] And now, last year's winner

is pinning a corsage on Pat Filton,

who is this year's.

- [Woman] Ouch.

Son of a bitch.

- [Announcer] Miss Hostility.

- [Man] Ben Casey performs
delicate brain surgery

on a deranged killer, in
another exciting thriller

guaranteed to give you 60 minutes

of mental illness on Friday.

- [Woman] Tune in next
week when woman's world

will again present another interesting

and informative round table discussion.

The topic will be indecent
literature and pornography

with several examples being shown,

which we are sure you'll all enjoy.

- [Man] Marshall Dillon
preserves law and odor

tonight on Gunsmoke.

- [Woman] So mothers,
give the man of your house

a treat this Father's Day.

And you'll enjoy it too.

Take him to Hawaiian House

for a Sunday night luau special dinner.

This exotic food is expertly served

by experienced waitresses
in appetizing forms.

Each father will receive a free lei.

- [Man] We want all you cub scouts to know

that you should pick your own leader

who can be like myself.

Either a male or female
or a combination of both.

- [Man] And so ends another
TV garden tip program.

Tune in next week when
Mrs. Van Guren's topic

will be, My Potted Friends.

- [Man] Serve yourself the modern way

at White's Gasseteria.

It's just drive up and fill her up.

And while you're at it,
take time out for lunch.

White's the finest spot on the turnpike

to eat and get gas.

- [Woman] Sunday is February 14th.

Valentine's Day.

The best way to remember
him is a visit to Lanson's

where you will find a
variety of appropriate gifts

for this special day.

Show him you have his
hard on on your mind.

Show (clears throat)

show him you have his heart on your mind.

- [Narrator] When special
events are aired live,

they often result in the unexpected.

When they revolve around
non-professional planners.

Such was the case when
a charity fashion show

was presented live on television.

- [Woman] Our next model
is showing the latest thing

in hot pants.

This controversial fashion
follows the mini and the maxi.

You will notice that this hot pants outfit

can also be worn as a two place pea suit.

Huh!

My God, she forgot her bra.

- [Man] So we bring to a close

another amateur hour.

And folks, be sure to
send in your postcards

with your votes to Amateur Hour,

care of this station.

Oh goose the soprano.

- [Narrator] In the dictionary

the word spoonerism is defined

as an unintended interchange of syllables.

Let's listen to this classic example.

- [Announcer] And that is why we are proud

that our company is the largest producer

in the United States, of magnusium,

alebinum, and stool.

- [Narrator] The telephone company

plays an important role in broadcasting.

All of the programs we see on television

are carried through special phone lines

to station affiliates.

Due to human error,

two programs were
inadvertently intermixed.

Much to the surprise of the stations

and viewers at home.

- [Man] It's time now
ladies and gentleman,

for our featured guest.

The prominent author,
lecturer, social leader.

Mrs. Elwood Dodge, who is able to leap

tall buildings in a single bound.

- [Announcer] The Soviet Union today

launched a new multiseat spaceship

with three cosmonauts aboard.

Path, the official Soviet news agency,

reported that the spaceship Volsad,

carried a pilot, a
scientist, and a doctor.

The agency said the flight was being made

to carry out scientific, typical,

and technical investigations
of a space flight

on man's orgasm.

The space ship.

Hello?

Hello yard.

- [Man] Alright young
lady, it's your turn.

What was the greatest
surprise you ever had.

- [Woman] Gee, what a question.

Let me think.

Oh yeah.

The best surprise that I ever had

was when my husband got out of the army.

I woke up one morning

and he was standing by
my bed with his discharge

in his hand.

(laughs)

I don't mean that.

(laughs)

- [Announcer] Ladies and gentleman,

we regret that we're
having video difficulties.

As soon as our difficulties are restored,

we will return you to our
regularly scheduled program.

- [Man] As I look out the window,

I hesitate to say that it's rain.

Because the weather bureau
doesn't call it that,

they call it fog.

This is to tell you that the fog

is overflowing the sewers.

And the weather man
down at the battery here

in New York says that the forecast

for today is clear.

Clear up to my ass.

Ankles.

- [Narrator] No documentary of the history

of broadcasting would be complete

without radio's most classic blooper.

- [Man] October 1938.

(dramatic music)

While America slumbered
in a period of calm

after World War One,
a war to end all wars,

in Europe, Adolf Hitler's unholy alliance

was making plans for the
conquest of the free world,

which he hoped to crush under the heels

of his new form of tyranny.

Nazism.

In America, October 30, 1938.

It was Halloween night.

Millions of American families

were safe in their homes,
enjoying the entertainment

of their favorite radio programs,

in an era of peace.

In New York City,

a group of professional
actors in the Mercury Theater,

under the direction of Orson Welles,

were about to present the famous

H.G. Wells story, War of the Worlds.

A radio program that would startle

most of the nation.

And which turned out to
be a blooper nightmare

for the broadcast industry.

The next voice that you will hear

will be that of the distinguished

American actor, Orson Welles.

In the role of Dr. Pearson, scientist.

- [Welles] Of the creatures
in the rocket cylinder

at Grover's Mill,

I can give you no
authoritative information

either to their nature, their origin,

or their purposes here on Earth.

Want of a better term,

I shall refer to the mysterious weapon

as a heat ray.

- [Man] Thank you, Professor Pearson.

Ladies and gentleman, I have
a grave announcement to make.

Incredible as it may seem,
both the observations

of science and the evidence of our eyes,

lead to the inescapable assumption

that those strange beings who landed

in the Jersey farmlands tonight,

are the vanguard of an invading army

from the planet Mars.

(upbeat music)

- [Welles] This is Orson
Welles, lady and gentleman.

Out of character to assure
you that the War of the Worlds

has no further significance
than it's a holiday offering

it was intended to be.

The Mercury Theater's own radio version

of dressing up in a sheet
and jumping out of a bush

and saying boo.

You will be relieved, I hope, to learn

that we didn't mean it.

So goodbye everybody and remember please,

for the next day or so,

the terrible lesson you learned tonight.

That grinning, glowing, globular invader

of your living room is an inhabitant

of the pumpkin patch.

And if your doorbell
rings and nobody's there,

that was no Martian.

It's Halloween.

(loud scream)

(phone rings)

(loud crash)

- [Man] I'll be a son of a bitch.

- [Announcer] We're here at
Washington's National Airport

awaiting the arrival of our
very distinguished guests,

the King and Queen of England.

When they arrive, you
will hear a 21 sun galute.

- [Man] And now our country
western show continues

with Zeke Parker singing,
"My Hole Has a Bucket In It".

Sorry, wrong number.

That should be, "My
Bucket Has a Hole In It".

That's quite a difference.

- [Woman] Channel Nine went
along as fourth graders

from Robinson Elementary
School took a field trip

to a farm today.

This was a special
treat for the youngsters

since most of them have lived
all their lives in the city.

The excitement began early this morning

as they learned animal
husbandry techniques

which will be useful
to them in later life.

(pigs squealing)

By the end of the day,

the children had been
given a thorough look

at the way nature works.

Oh, no.

Who put this thing together?

- [Woman] Take one.

So ladies, when you're
thinking of an all season

thirst quencher, treat
your family to a drink

that's a delight, winter or summer.

Instant white rose, hot or cold,

orange tickle pee.

Wow.

(laughs)

- [Narrator] We switch
you to the United Nations

for this Freudian Slip.

- [Man] The conference at the UN

regarding the Russian proposal

is expected to come to
a successful confusion

at the end of this session.

- [Man] Our program of organ music

will continue after this message

from McPeters Funeral Parlor.

- [Man] And friends, your loved ones

can receive no finer care,

than that offered by
McFunerals Peter Parlor.

- [Host] Let's continue the newlywed game

as we reunite our newlywed couples

on today's program.

Couple number two.

What was the first thing
you said to your husband

on your wedding night?

- [Woman] Gosh, that's a hard one.

(laughs)

- [Woman] Chester's Restaurant

in the Market Street Arcade specializes

in tasty food, served
quickly and attractively.

So for a change of pace lunch,

stop by Chester's Restaurant,

where this week's special
is a chilled gree sandwich

and a choke.

- [Narrator] Portable TV
cameras are being built smaller

and less conspicuous than ever before.

During long political convention hours,

they are sometimes employed
to bring the TV audience

candid pictures of the
convention participants.

And as a result, will sometimes catch

unsuspecting people off guard.

- [Man] All the world was thrilled

with the marriage of the
duck and duchess of Winter.

- [Announcer] Prison
life is a drury existence

and many of these men have
been behind bars for years.

We spoke with some of
the prisoners to find out

exactly why they were here.

How many years are you in for?

- [Man] About 11 years.

- [Announcer] And how did you get caught?

- [Man] Yeah, some dirty
squeal pigeons told on me.

- [Narrator] The clock on the wall

is a constant reminder that programs must

start and end on time.

With the results of performers very often

come out with strange closings.

- [Woman] We just received
word that prominent

local merchant Jasper Gilbert,

passed away at the age of 92.

A baby girl was born to
Mr. And Mrs. Alec Tully

in the city.

Congratulations Fred.

Fred?

I see our time is up.

Several births and deaths will have

to be postponed until this time next week.

- [Man] Friday is poultry night, remember.

All ladies present will get a free goose.

- [Narrator] Daily soap operas
are usually presented live.

And under those
nerve-wracking circumstances,

even the most professional
actors can occasionally.

- [Reverend] Do you Mary, take this man,

to be your lawfully wedded husband?

- [Man] I do.

- [Reverend] I now
pronounce you man and wife.

Seems we got that ass backwards.

- [Woman] Shh, we're still on the air.

- [Woman] In our continuing coverage

of all side of all issues,

our cameras were at the
first gay church services

held in our city this past weekend.

In an interview with one
of the gay church goers,

we asked what he liked
most about the services.

- [Man] I really enjoyed the hymns.

- [Narrator] Daytime
soap operas on television

are presented live.

Viewers were surprised
to hear the following.

- [Man] We will return
to the urge of night

in a moment.

- [Narrator] The word indigent

is described in the dictionary

as one who is needy or destitute.

We take you out to the ball game

for this melapropism,

uttered by a well meaning
ex baseball playe.

- [Man] So remember baseball fans,

we urge you to show up this Sunday at 2 PM

for the annual charity baseball game.

And remember all the proceeds
go to indignant ballplayers.

Thank you very much.

- [Announcer] Strange, but true.

Continues on with a
letter from Arthur Davis

of Kansas City who writes to tell us,

that the first sandwich was named

after the Earl of Sandwich.

The first man to put his meat
between two pieces of bread.

- [Man] And here's one for
the Guinness Book of Records.

A local basketball fan,
trying to set a record,

spent 14 hours straight
dribbling on the floor

of his apartment.

It could bring him fame and fortune,

but it seems like a lot of time

to spend playing with yourself.

And that's the news.

- [Woman] And now, for news
on the international scene.

We have just received this exclusive film

moratory in Miami, from
a Havana TV station.

Although the quality of the
picture is not very clear,

it is clear that Fidel Castro

is having talks with the
premier Alexsei Cosagin.

And under Soviet blockade.

- [Woman] Excitement ran high
at the county fair today,

as everyone competed for blue ribbons.

The Martin family walked
off with two first prizes.

Gladys Martin won for her
home made appple jelly,

while in a nearby tent, her husband Frank,

had his prize winning nuts on display.

- [Man] Take two.

- [Narrator] Some of the scenes
that you see on television,

that look so polished and slick,

very often are the result of long hours

of behind the scenes preparation.

(loud gunshots)

(laughs)

- [Man] Fantastic.

Hold on to that one.

Beautiful.

- [Announcer] Police today raided another

massage parlor in midtown,

confiscating massage paraphernalia,

to be used as evidence.

They arrested several girls
who worked at the parlor.

The girls complained
bitterly of police her ass,

her assmen,

of police harassment.

Her ass.

Herassment.

- [Woman] And a word has just reached us

that the BEA Go Slow

has ended with settlement
of the work to do,

by pilots of British European Airways.

Start it again.

The British European Airways.

- [Man] Back when honoring
popular quarterback,

Bob Greasy, of the Miami Dolphins,

was held last night.

Coach Don Shula and members of the press

were in attendance at the greasy dinner.

- [Man] Writer Clifford Irving

entered the federal penitentiary

at Lewisburg, Pennsylvania yesterday,

to begin a two and a
half year jail sentence

in the Howard Hughes Autobioga,

Autobiga,

in the autobi,

in the hoax.

- [Narrator] Network censors
do all in their power

to live up to the high standards
of the broadcasting code.

However, they are often confronted

with many critical decisions
as to whether to black out

live programs when
something unplanned occurs.

Such as unpopular Strike it Rich.

An audience participation
program with a heart.

Let's watch these classic examples

revolving around some needy youngsters.

- [Man] And Tony, what are you
gonna do with the 10 dollars?

- I'm gonna take the money,
and buy my mommy and daddy

a pair of pajamas.

When they go to bed,
they don't have any on.

(laughs)

- I'd like to Strike
it Rich for a new bed.

My dad is in the army in Korea.

And on weekends, my
uncle Charlie comes over.

He and my mom make me sleep
on the floor in the kitchen.

Anyway, he's not really my uncle Charlie.

(laughs)

- [Man] Floor manager,
get that kid out of here.

All cameras, go to black.

- [Narrator] And this
conclumes, conclusives,

concledes, conclickit, that's all.

♫ You blew it you blew it you blew it