Paradise Lagoon (1957) - full transcript

Lord Loam has modern ideas about his household; he believes in treating his servants as his equals--at least sometimes. His butler Crichton still believes that members of the serving class should know their place and be happy there. But when the Loam family are shipwrecked on a desert island with the self-reliant Crichton and between-maid Tweeny, the class system is put to the test.


Good morning, My Lord.
Clement weather.


Lovegrove begs me to inform you
that the... (INDISTINCT) the south conservatory
is in full bloom.

- Eh?
- An orchid.

Oh. Anything in the paper?

The suffragettes are again
giving trouble.

One threw a brick through
a window at number 1 O last evening.

Go on. Any casualties?

An under-footman
sustained a broken nose.

No one of any consequence was hurt.

- The prime minister was dining out.
- Oh, pity.

What do you mean,
''No one of any consequence''?

How do you know the under-footman
wasn't as good as the prime minister?

l beg you to be quiet.
If a servant should hear you.

Now we've had this discussion before.

- Today l intend to prove my point.
- Oh, no, My Lord.

Yes. Get my daughters
out of bed immediately.

- l beg your pardon!
- What?

Oh. Well, get their maids
to get them out of bed.

Breakfast will be in 30 minutes.
l expect all to be there.

My Lord. l'll send Rolleston to dress you.

Liberty, equality, fraternity.

All for one and one for all, Crichton.

That was the French, My Lord.

- Good morning, Crichton.
- (CRICHTON) His Lordship is waiting.

- Good morning, Crichton.
- His Lordship is waiting.

- (CATHERINE) It'll do him good.
- Morning, Crichton.

- His Lordship is waiting.
- (AGATHA) Oh, golly!

- (AGATHA) Morning, Father.
- Morning.

Why have we been dragged
out of bed at this unearthly hour?

My dear girl, are you aware
that millions of people in the British Isles

have already been hard at work
for three hours and more.

People, yes. But not us.

Thousands of them started their day
on no more than bread and water.

You seem interested today
in the way other people live.

l am. So ought you to be.

- All of you.
- Father, please. Not at breakfast.

That maid of yours, Mary?
What's her name?

- Fisher.
- Yes, Fisher.

- What's her Christian name?
- l don't know.

And l'm sure she doesn't want me to.

You'll ask us next
to share our meals with our maids.

That's exactly what you are going to do.

Father, what can you mean?

Well, l mean this.

At 4 o'clock this afternoon,
you will all be in the drawing room.

There we shall entertain the staff to tea.

The entire staff.

You will treat them all as your equals.

l refuse to have any part of it.

Have you forgotten
that George is coming to tea?

Mary, l order you to be present.

Father, if my life has to be ruined,

l should have preferred
to have done it myself.

l can't be there. Ernest Woolley is
taking me to London in his motorcar.

- At 4 o'clock, Catherine.
- Father, how can we?

l said 4 o'clock.

Father, l was...


They'll get used to the idea.

- l sincerely hope not, My Lord.
- None of that.

You can't obiect to meeting me.
Haven't l treated you as a human being?

Certainly not. Your treatment of me
has always been as it should be.

Enough. This afternoon at 4 o'clock
you will be my equal.

l'll show you
whether you're my equal or not.

You do as you're told.

Very well, My Lord.

The outdoor staff will also be present,

but l shall speak to them later.

The order of entry will be
posted on the notice board

after luncheon.

That is all.
Now have you any questions?

We aren't going to be asked to sit down?

You most certainly are.

And not, you remember,
on the edge of the chair.

You'll seat yourselves firmly
in the centre.

l shall die. Oh, no!

You will do no such thing, Eliza.

Not until you have left the room.

lt'll be a bit of a lark.
We'll have a good blowout.

All friends together, eh, Crichton?

- Did l hear you call me, Crichton?
- Yes, sir.

ln 10 to 15 years' time,
you might have reached a position

in which you could address me
as Mr Crichton.

Never in any circumstances whatsoever,
could you call me Crichton.

There's a train at 1 2.30. Pack your bags.

Right, about your duties.

And remember,
no gossiping above stairs.

l apologise for that boy's behaviour,
Mr Crichton

- You look pale Mrs Perkins.
- Do you wonder?

- A small glass of port, perhaps.
- Thank you.


(WOMEN CHANTING) Votes for women!

Oh, Ernest, isn't it exciting?

- Better than your father's tea party.
- If only we weren't just looking on.

What? Oh, steady on, old girl.


Oh, no! They mustn't.

(ERNEST) Catherine! Catherine!

(CATHERINE) How dare you?

Oh! Let me go. (SCREAMS)

Mrs Perkins.

(LOAM) Ah, Mrs Perkins.



this is our dear Mrs Perkins.

- How do you do?
- Pleased, l am sure.

Brocklehurst, our valuable Mrs Perkins.

(CRICHTON) Monsieur Floury.

Oh, forgive me.

Won't you sit down?

- (LOAM) Charmed to see you.
- l'll bring you some tea.

Come on, l want to hear
all about your puddings.

Thank you very much.

Mr Rolleston.

Treherne, come
and look after Mr Rolleston.

- Who is Mr Rolleston?
- Father's valet.

How do you do Mr Rolleston?

Yes, this is, uh, an unexpected pleasure.

This is utterly opposed
to all my principles.

- It's the same for all of us, Brocky.
- Don't call me Brocky. l detest it.

Brocky, if you're going to marry Mary...

My engagement to Mary
has yet to be announced.

Miss Fisher.

By Jove!

l am charmed to see you, Miss Fisher.

Do come and sit down, won't you?

Now, tell me what do you do?

ln the house, l mean?

Ah, Mary. Tea for two.

Ah, Lovegrove. (CHUCKLES)

- How are all your family?
- Ah, same to you, My Lord.

And how is your wife? Blooming?

Blooming? First thing this morning.

- Opened out a fair treat, she did.
- Eh?

Bright purple with deep yellow spots.

- Good Lord!
- She won't last.

She'll be dead by Monday.
That's the trouble with orchids.

- They won't last.
- Orchids?

Oh, yes, of course. (CHUCKLES)

- Come have some tea.
- (CRICHTON) Jane, Gladys, Rose.

Mary, take the girls a cup of tea.

- Father!
- Mary.

- Tea, Crichton?
- No. No. Allow me, My Lady.

This must be most distasteful to you.

l'm ashamed to be seen
speaking to you.

Now, now, Crichton, none of that.

We're all on equal terms today.

- Is everyone here?
- All but the odds and ends, My Lord.

- l want everybody.
- Not the Tweeny.


Very well, My Lord.


Keep still.

Well, l'm so happy to see you, uh...

- Eliza, My Lord.
- Eliza.

My daughter, Mary.

Now come along and meet the others.

- l'll be all right here, thank you, My Lord.
- You must do as you're told.

Come along, now.

Mary, you're neglecting your guests.

Have you been to the opera lately?

(ELIZA) Uh...

Well, uh, what sort of weather
have you been having in the kitchen?


For heaven's sake, woman, be articulate.

Forgive me, My Lord.
Lady Mary wishes to speak with you.

Eh? Oh, thank you, Crichton.

Come, Eliza.

Ah, Mr Crichton.
l think you're wonderful.

- You won't leave me, will you?
- No, l won't leave you.

Have a crumpet. Enjoy yourself.

lt's too much.

lt didn't seem so
when you were entertaining Fisher.

Mary, old girl, that's not fair.

Thank Heavens
Mother hasn't arrived yet.

Your thanks are rather premature.

- Henry.
- My dear, Emily.

What has happened to your staff?

Your front door was opened
to me by a stable boy.

Nice lad.

You're iust in time to meet
some of my friends.

Now let me see. Oh, yeah.

You remember Thomas, Emily?


Monte Carlo, was it?

No, Fenway Hall.


Poor Cynthia's coming-out ball.

- That was before l came to His Lordship.
- His Lordship?

Of course,
l was only the under-footman then.

An under footman.

- She won't allow our engagement now.

This is frightful.

This is Loam Hall.

Oh, yes, sir.

- This is Crichton speaking.
- Who is it?

- It's Mr Woolley.
- l'll speak to him.

Very well, My Lady.

Ernest, where's Catherine?



Ernest, have you been drinking?

Father, he says
Catherine has been arrested.


What? Now, what....

Your daughter has been arrested.

Great Scot!

Good heavens, l don't believe it.

Yes, yes, of course, goodbye.

A suffragette.

My daughter arrested as a suffragette.

That's what comes
of all this darned equality.


ls this a mad house, Henry?

You hobnob with servants.

You introduced me to a footman.

ls it any wonder
that your daughter lands in jail?




Come in.

My Lord, l noticed you were still awake,
so l brought you a cup of hot chocolate.

Oh, thank you, Crichton.

Very considerate of you.

Ahem, with respect, My Lord,

l have been giving some thought
to Your Lordship's predicament.

Might l suggest that in six months,
this occurrence will have been forgotten?

What about it?
It'll be six months of misery.

Uh, if you are still here, My Lord.

You mean, run away?

l had thought
a breath of sea air, perhaps.

Oh, yes, the yacht.

The steam yacht. (CHUCKLES)

My dear, Crichton, you are a genius.

Mediterranean, eh?

Somewhat crowded
at this time of the year, My Lord.

Oh, all right, the West Indies.

A little further, perhaps.

- South seas?
- A happy choice.

Might l suggest
that the two young gentlemen

be asked to accompany you?

- Young Woolley and that parson?
- Indeed.

What about Brocklehurst?

l hardly think
Lady Brocklehurst will allow...

Oh, no. She won't, will she?
Ha, ha, splendid.

Uh, how about staff?

Damned incompetent last trip.

Uh, if you would consider
coming yourself this time?

Well, under the circumstances...

Thank you, Crichton.

- And, Crichton?
- My Lord.

Are you a good sailor?

l'm a firm believer in the triumph
of mind over matter.

What's the ship's head?

Due north, sir.

Steady on that course.



Oh! l'm sorry, My Lord.

lnclement weather, My Lord.
A cup of tea?

No. Bring me a bowl.

- A bowl of what, My Lord?
- Just a bowl.

- A large bowl.
- Very good.

And, Crichton,
you tell that idiotic skipper

to stop rocking the boat
or l'll give him his notice.


Ah, Crichton, you really are a paragon.

- Ice cold?
- l trust you will find it so, sir.

- Mm, nectar.
- Thank you, sir.

Phew! Could be hotter tomorrow.
We're near the equator, aren't we?

Some 20 degrees north of it, My Lord.

Our latitude coincides
with that of the Hawaiian Islands,

which lie some 400 miles to the east.

Oh. Thank you, Crichton.

lsn't he wonderful, Ernest?
He knows everything.

- Except how to keep cool, Crichton?
- Design yourself a tropical outfit.

Something with an open neck
and short sleeves.

And the Tweeny too.
A few beads and a grass skirt, what?

(CHUCKLES) Indeed, yes, sir.

Very amusing.

(TREHERNE) Oh, really, Ernest.


- Do you find it amusing, Crichton?
- No, My Lady.

Then why did you say so?

Mr Woolley is the second son of a peer.

A cooling drink, My Lady.

Thank you.


- What sort of a man are you?
- Uh, sort of a man?

- Are you ambitious?
- Ambitious for what?

- To better yourself.
- My Lady!

l am the son of a butler and a maid.

The happiest of all combinations.

To me the most beautiful thing
is the haughty, aristocratic English home

with everyone kept in his place.

- That's not how my father would have it.
- Indeed, he would not.

He would have equality for all,
but what good would that do.

Any satisfaction l might derive
from being your equal

would be ruined by the footman
being equal to me.

Yes, l see.

- Wouldn't work, would it?
- In no circumstances.

ln no circumstances whatever.


Well, thank you, Crichton.

Thank you, My Lady.

Here, Mr Crichton?

Eliza, what are you doing here?

You know very well
this deck is out of bounds.

l'm sorry, sir.

Ain't the moonlight lovely?

- Isn't, Eliza. Isn't.
- Isn't.

Beads and a grass skirt.



- Have you ever been kissed, Eliza?
- Kissed?

No, Mr Crichton, l haven't.

The first kiss is
of paramount importance.

Yes, Mr Crichton.

lt should be the correct mixture
of delicacy and passion.

Yes, Mr Crichton.

Designed neither
to over-excite nor repel.

Yes, Mr Crichton.

(ELIZA) Oh, Mr Crichton!


Mr Spooner,
go to the passengers below.

See they're all secure on deck.

(SPOONER) Aye, aye, sir.

His Lordship's compliments, Captain.

Yes, yes, l know, but l can't.

This is a ship,
not a flaming country mansion.

- And in a storm it rocks about.
- Quite so, sir.

lf it'll cheer him up,
tell him we're running before the wind

at 200 miles off course.

Very good, Captain.

We shall, l take it, weather the storm.

There's no reason why we shouldn't

unless the engines blow up.


Like that you mean.

Like that.


Captain's orders.
All passengers to boat stations!

(MAN) Come out this way.


(CRICHTON) Pick your boat. Don't run.



(CRICHTON) Hurry, My Lady. Hurry.

(LOAM) Come in.

This is a fine time of night
to be shipwrecked.

Hurry, My Lord.
There's a distinct list to port.

Where's Rolleston? l refuse
to leave this ship without my shoes.

Oh, dear!

Abandon ship, take to the boats.

No need to panic, Crichton.

Don't panic.



Where's the Tweeny?

Never mind her. Get in.

Come on, hurry.

Lower the boat.

Can't, sir. Waiting for Captain's order.

l own this ship. Do as you're told.



Eliza, wake up.


Oh, Mr Crichton.

Not now, Eliza.

(SHRIEKS) Oh, Mr Crichton.
What happened?

(CRICHTON) Come on, quickly.

(CAPTAIN) Pull her away.

- Wait there, Eliza.
- Yes, Mr Crichton.

All boats have gone.
We'll have to jump.

- But l can't swim, Mr Crichton.
- l will look after you, come on.


(ELIZA) Help, Mr Crichton.

Come on, Eliza.
Keep your head up. Come on.

Mr Crichton, l can't...

(CRICHTON) Keep going.

(MAN) l've got you, Ernest.
That's all right. Haul them onboard.

Come on, young lady. We've got you.

(OTHERS) Pull, pull, pull.


Well, Crichton, what's going on?
What were you doing in the water?

l beg your pardon, My Lord.
l was unexpectedly delayed.

You should be in the staff boat,
not with us.

l am very sorry, sir.
Can l withdraw, My Lord?

Don't be an ass, sit down.

All right, go away.


Has anyone got any nail scissors?

Oh. Come on, come on.

Any sign of anything, Crichton?

No, sir. We appear to be alone.

Where are the other boats?

l fear we drifted apart
during the night, My Lord.

lf indeed we are not the sole survivors.

Well, it's a lovely afternoon, anyway.

Crichton, who is this person?

Her name is Eliza, My Lady.

And what is her position
in the household?

l'm the Tweeny, Your Ladyship.

- The what?
- A 'tween maid, My Lady.

That is to say she is not strictly
speaking at the moment anything.

Are we to understand
you two are keeping company?

- My Lady, a butler don't keep company.
- Indeed.

Let us say, l have cast
a favourable eye upon her.

Land! Look.

lf you please, Mr John, sir.

- (LOAM) Is it land, Crichton?
- Undoubtedly.

- (TREHERNE) How long till we reach it?
- We should be ashore before long.

But we can't go ashore like this.

How can we meet
the governor in our condition?

- My hair's a sight.
- What will we wear?

Are we to stay in government house
without a maid between us.

lf l might suggest, My Lady,
as a temporary expedient.

- What?
- Mr Crichton, l couldn't.

Her manners are deplorable,

but she has a homely appearance
and a heart of gold.

Possibly, but l am afraid she will not do.

- Quite impossible.
- Quite.

Well, what do you see?

Palm trees, My Lord.
White sands and palm trees.

This is as far as it will go.

Where is everyone?
They must have seen us.

How do we get out?

May l suggest
that the gentlemen carry the ladies.


Yes, of course,
that's a splendid idea. Ernest?

Don't rush it, old chap.

lt's beautifully warm.
Lovely spot for bathing this.

Right-o, Cathy, old girl.
Come to Daddy. Come on, then.

There we are.

(TREHERNE) Come, Agatha.

(MARY) Crichton?

l beg your pardon, My Lady.

Coming for a paddle, sir.

- Is it stony?
- l don't think so.

Well, thank heaven for that.

Come, Eliza.

- Mr Crichton, l can get out by myself.
- Come along.


(LOAM) Well, then,

the first thing
is to discover where we are.

- Crichton?
- (CRICHTON) My Lord.

Locate the nearest town,
find some transport

- and bring it back with you.
- Very good, My Lord.

May l mention the boat?

Yes, yes, l will see to that.

You two, bring her in
and tie it up to something.

All right, sir.

Now then, Crichton, get along with you.

This one will do.

Have you got enough string?

There we are. Splendid.

Rather good.

Look out, you idiots. The boat.




(MARY) Girl.

- Me, Your Ladyship?
- Come here.

lf you are going to be our maid,
you should make yourself useful.

Are your hands clean?

Very well. You may comb my hair.

Well, l'll do my best, Your Ladyship.

Tied it to a turtle.

- Of all the...
- Sir, don't go on about it.

Do you realise it may be hours
before we're picked up?

Not hours, sir, surely.

We may even have to stay here all night.

All night.

(CRICHTON) My Lord, the boat.

(TREHERNE) We know about that.

l tied it to a turtle.

Never mind about the boat.

Did you find the town?

No, My Lord. There is no town.

- Don't be absurd, Crichton.
- We are on an uninhabited island.

- You mean there is no one here at all?
- There are birds, animals,

possibly, reptiles.

But that is all. We are alone.

What will we do? We can't stay here.

lt will be dark soon.


Crichton, what...?

Father, you are the head of the family.

- You must give the orders.
- Orders?

lf we've got to stay here,
we must arrange

- food and sleeping accommodation.
- Yes, all right.

Let's get into the shade
and then we must find some food.

Their must be some berries
or something.

Come on.

Go along, Eliza. Go along.

Are you sure
there's nobody else on the island.

Sure, My Lady.

How long do you think it will be
before we are rescued?

We were driven far off our course,

many miles
from the regular shipping routes.

l see. Thank you.

My Lady...

Don't give up.

How dare you, Crichton?

The darn thing won't catch.

- Who told you about this, Woolley?
- l read it somewhere.

lt takes time, you know.

The sun will be down in another hour.

Phew! This is exhausting.

- Sure it can be done?
- Yes, it's the friction.

- That's what the book says.
- l'd like to meet the author.

lt will be dark soon. We need a fire.

- You suppose there are snakes?
- Don't.

- Waste of time.
- (CRICHTON) Allow me.

Would you mind
clearing the sun, please?

And dry grass, Eliza.

Your spectacles, My Lord.

There you are, l told you. Simple.

Yes, sir, when you know how.

Shall l prepare
the sleeping quarters now?

Yes, yes, if you will.
Thank you, Crichton.

- You comfortable?
- It's a lovely bed.

l think you're wonderful Mr Crichton.

You are a good little soul, Eliza.

- l am not half hungry.
- Not half?

Oh, lor, l'm at it again.

lt's all right.

No, it's no good.
l am just a common bit of rubbish.

l use all the wrong words, don't l?

l try not to,
especially when you are around.

l shouldn't worry about it.

Trouble is l like them.

l gloat over them when l'm by myself.

''Blimey,'' l says, and ''Cor, lumme.''

And ''not half.''

You know, all the time l was getting wet,

l was praying to myself,

''Oh, Lord, let it be an island
what it's natural to be vulgar on.''

That's the sort l am, sir.

Uh, l'd best give me up if l was you.

l won't give you up, Eliza.

We will fight your vulgarity together.

Cor. There ain't never be
no one like you ever.

Yes, well, you better lie down
and get some sleep.

Mr Crichton, it is safe here, ain't it?

We won't all get eaten alive in our beds?

Hey, don't you worry, Eliza.

l will be keeping watch.

Uh, clement weather, My Lord.

- What's that?
- Uh, coconut.

- Revolting.
- Windfall, l am afraid, My Lord.

- Later on we may hope for fresher fruit.
- Nothing to drink?

There's a fresh water spring
some distance along the beach.

- Where's the, um...?
- Follow me, My Lord.


(TREHERNE) Sure this is the right way?
(ERNEST) Positive.

(AGATHA) l can see all sorts of fish.

Look! Ernest, John?!


No use. The darn thing is too tight.

l am very sorry, My Lord.
l have a small foot.

This is a pretty kettle of fish, Crichton.

- We can survive, My Lord.
- You think so?

Others have
with courage and good leadership.

- Without adequate food or shelter?
- We shall have both before long.

- l don't see how you'll manage it.
- l'm not the only man in the party.

How do you think l'm gonna get
Treherne and Woolley to work?

- If l might suggest it, My Lord.
- Eh?

No work, no dinner.

And what about us, Crichton?

Are my sisters and l
included in your curious rules?

Not my rules, My Lady.
Fate makes its own rules.

The perfect servant
now considers that we are all equal?

Most certainly not, My Lady.

l always maintain
that in all the circumstances

there must be one to command
and others to obey.

No work, no dinner, eh?

Well, it's worth trying.

What good is it without matches?

By the time we get it going,
the ship will be out of sight.

- If a ship ever comes.
- That Crichton...

- He is getting too big for his boots.
- l wish he were, then l could have them.

(ERNEST) It's a ship. John, it's a ship.

lt's a ship, we're saved.

- Light the beacon.
- No, tell the others.

This way.


(ALL SHOUTING) Here, here.

lt's the yacht. It's our yacht.

- What is it doing here?
- It's going to hit the rocks.



(ALL) Oh...

That damn skipper, the lunatic.
Call that navigation! l'll have him in jail.

There's no skipper.
There's nobody aboard.

- What?
- Well, we abandoned her.

She is going down.

Well, l can't look.

(LOAM) Our last hope gone.

We'd better get back to the camp.

Crichton, have you gone mad?

Go and make yourself decent at once.

l beg your pardon, My Lord.

l must get out to the wreck
before she sinks.

- Can anyone else swim?
- Good Lord, no. Not a stroke.

l can, a little. l might be able to get there.

Well, we won't risk it this time, My Lady.

Hey, Mr Crichton, you be careful.


What an extraordinary fellow he is?

l wouldn't mind wagering you,
he'll get there.

Go on, Mr Crichton. You can do it.


(ALL) Hey! Hurray!

(LOAM) Well done, Crichton.

- Don't he look lovely?
- Oh, don't he?

That will do gentlemen. Thank you.

She seems to be holding well, My Lord.

We should salvage a great deal.

Congratulations, my dear fellow.
Splendid effort.

You didn't find my cigars,
by any chance?

l didn't look for them.
Would you give me a hand, please?

l want to get it out to her again
before the tide rises.

(MARY) Crichton?

l suppose you didn't bring us any


But needles and thread.

You will find them useful.

Your slippers, l believe, Eliza.

- Oh, thank you, Mr Crichton.
- Would you mind lending a hand?

Crichton, wait.

Father, axes and lanterns
are all very well.

l insist upon Crichton
bringing us some clothing.

Hear. Hear.

Some sheets
and pillow cases for our beds.

- Table linen too.
- And what about our dinner service, eh?

- Well, uh...
- (MARY) Father, you are in charge here.

Well, My Lord?

Well, uh... as they say and get what you can.

Very good.

- What's that?
- Coconut, My Lord.

- We had coconut for lunch.
- And for breakfast.

But this is diced.
At luncheon, it was shredded.

You must have found
food on the yacht.

l brought back
what l was instructed to, sir.

Crichton, you forget yourself.

- Do l, My Lady?
- What's this?

Are you questioning
my orders, Crichton?

My Lord, we're not in England now.

We are on a desolate island,
miles from anywhere.

lf we are not very careful,
we'll all die on it.

That's no concern of yours.

For now on, l shall give the orders
and you will obey them.

With the deepest respect, My Lord, no.

- What did you say?
- l said no, My Lord.

Did you? You can take
a month's wages in lieu of notice,

and don't come to me for a reference.

My Lady, you cannot manage
on your own. None of you can.

- You flatter yourself, Crichton.
- (LOAM) That's all, you can go.

- Very well, My Lord.
- If he goes, l am going too.

Don't be stupid, girl.

- l mean it.
- You must stay here.

With this lot, not likely.

- (AGATHA) If she goes, who will...?
- Agatha.

Well, what are you waiting for?

Your pardon, My Lady.

Uh, l suppose
we better get on with dinner.

Mr Crichton!




(MARY) Oh...!

Really, Ernest!


No fire,

no shelter

and coconut.

- Now what is it?
- l can smell something.

- So can l.
- Cooking.

By heaven, it's roast pork!

- It's coming from over there.
- It's coming from the bay.

(LOAM) It's coming from over there.

Pork chops. They have got pork chops.

And onions.

- l can't bear it. l am going to him.
- Father, if you do,

- l'll never speak to you again.
- Mary, pork chops.

My Lady, won't you come down?

And admit that you have won?

l'd rather die first.

Eliza, one pork chop between two.

Yes, Mr Crichton.



(MARY) Oh, Crichton, help.


Keep swimming, My Lady,
you're doing splendidly.

No, l can't. l can't.

Yes, you can. Go on.

Oh, Crichton, you stupid...

Up, My Lady, Yoo-hoo.


Now then, My Lady.
Not much further. Gently does it.

Oh, l'll never forgive you for this. Never.

Don't talk. Swim.


Keep your chin up. That's better.

(CRICHTON) There you are.

You never know what you can do
until you try.

Here you are, My Lady, drink this.

This will warm you up.


Oh, l might have drowned.

- And you'd have left me.
- Would l? l wonder.

- What did you come here for?
- Oh, doesn't matter.

l am iust curious. It's a long way
for scented soap and silk stockings.

l wanted some food
and something warm to wear

and a pair of shoes.

No shoes, l'm afraid.
Your cabin is underwater.

- You did try, then?
- Well...

Of course, l did.

Thank you.

That's all right, My Lady,
you are learning quickly.

l'll try and find you something else.


Crichton, Crichton, come back, Crichton.

Oh, Crichton!

Dear, Crichton!


There we are, try this for size.

Oh, Crichton.


lt's all right, My Lady. It's all right.


My friends, it is now nearly two years

since we received the woeful news,

that the good ship Bluebell
had encountered disaster,

followed by the tragic tidings
concerning Lord Loam,

his family and others.

We give thanks
that the gallant captain and his crew

and all his other passengers were
so providentially rescued.

We are further honoured today

by the presence amongst us
of a great lady.

The Countess of Brocklehurst
was the first

to contribute to the Loam Memorial Fund.

lndeed, so generously
that l am happy to tell you

there was quite a little piece
Ieftover for the Organ Fund.

Well, as you all know
there were plans afoot

for Lord Loam's eldest girl
to have married my son.

Now she is at the bottom of the sea.

And he...

He is broken hearted.

Ahem, absolutely.

So in memory to Lord Loam
and his three daughters,

the two young men
and Crichton, the butler...

- (WHISPERS) And the Tweeny.
- Very well. And another young person,

l now declare this bizarre...

l now unveil this memorial.


- Hello, sir.
- Morning, Tweeny.


Good morning, Governor.

- Clement weather.
- Good.

- Thanks, Daddy.
- Ahem.

l'll be interested to hear
what you think of that.

What is it? l like that. It's good.

Thanks, Governor.

lt's that new seaweed you found.
It gives it a tang.

That's it.

Daddy, how are you feeling today?
Any complaints?

l walked across just now

and stood on the spot where we landed.

Two years ago today. Oh, my goodness!

You've worked miracles, Guv.

- That includes giving you a waist line.
. (LoAm LAucHs)


l woke you early this morning, Guv.

- You're ready for your bath?
- Yes.

l've put a new shell in your razor.

Good. Thank you.





(AGATHA) Hello, Guv.
(CATHERINE) Morning!

(CRICHTON) Morning, girls.

What's all this?

- Happy second anniversary, Guv.
- Ah...

- With our love.
- Bless you're heart.

- From the top orchard?
- Should be a good crop.

No surprise,
all the work you've put in.

- How's the barley?
- We should harvest it next week.

l'm planning
the new work schedule today.

That's a smart outfit you've got on.

- Like it?
- Hmm, delightful.

l designed it myself.

Bit on the short side there.
You'll be giving the men ideas.

- You think so?
. (cRIcHToN LAucHs)

l think you both look charming.

ln fact, if l had to choose...

- Breakfast won't be long, Guv.
- Thanks, Daddy.

All right, girls, back to work.

Oh, Guv...

- Mary is late. l'm sorry.
- Oh, that's all right.

- l'll put these in water.
- Thank you.

There you are.
How's that for the Governor's lunch?

They'll do.

Don't dirty my floor.
Daddy has just swept it.

- If l dirty it, l'll sweep it again.
- l'd like to see you.

Don't be beastly to me. l adore you.

- Ernie, shut up.
- Tweeny...

l've been meaning to say,
but it's so difficult to get you alone.

Oh, do you mind out,
Ernie, look, l'm cooking.

Tweeny, l know l was a complete ass
when you first knew me, eh?

- l'm no great shakes even now.
- Oh, Ernie.

There's a perfect site for a bungalow
down by Porcupine Creek.

l built it just the way you wanted it.

l'm iolly good at making furniture,
and l do love you so very much.

l've forgotten...

Ernie, are you asking me
to walk out with you?

Oh, Tweeny, if only you would.

- But what about Catherine?
- Um....

Cathy's all right
but she's not in your class.

- Besides...
- Besides, what?

Well, she's got her eye on the Guv.

Oh, has she (?!)

Well, she can take it off again.

l see.

l'm sorry, Ernie. That's the way it is.

Hmm, that's all right.

Has he said anything?

Not yet. But he will.

Oh, don't keep on so.

- (ERNEST) Hmm?
- Oh! Get out!

Oh, Guv,

please choose me.

Hello, Guv.

- (CRICHTON) Hello, Mary.
- Hello.


Good morning, Tweeny.

l can't abide a lady who whistles.

Well, l'm as good as you are. Here...

l'm breakfast orderly this morning!

- You should have cooked it.
- l'm serving it.

- Oh, Mary!
- Oh, come on.

- l got you a bird for lunch.
- Wonderful, Mary.

l was after a deer but no luck.

- Guv?
- Yes?

lt's months since we've had
a day out together.

Why don't you come deer-hunting
with me sometime?

l might find myself
chasing the wrong deer.

(LAUGHS) l don't think you would.

l wonder.

Mary, you are a very pretty girl.

Have you got any followers
on the island?

Certainly not.

l thought John or Ernest
might be interested?

- Well, l'm not interested in them.
- Hmm.

How's the boat building going?

- l don't know. Haven't thought about it.
- Nor does anybody else.

l'll talk to them about that.

- Will you warn them?
- Mm-hm.

- Did Ernest catch this fish?
- Yes, how did you know?

l thought so. He left the hook in again.


(MARY) Come on. Oh, come on.

All right, everybody.
l want to talk to you for a while.

You probably know why l'm here.
l've been looking at the progress report.

We're doing our best, Guv,
with all our other duties.

- l don't want vague excuses.
- Are you suggesting we're slacking?

l'm not suggesting it.
l'm telling you, you are.

Don't you believe
you can build this boat?

We've been on this island
for two years,

two whole years today.

You want to be here for three years?
Four? Five?

Cut off from civilisation,
living like a lot of savages.

- Is that all you want?
- What else should we want?

You must want to get home.

That's why l designed this boat,
to get away from here.

To get us all back to England,
where we belong.

Do you want to go back, Guv?

Well, of course, l do.

Of course, l do.

lt's my duty to get you back
and you're going.

To work.

On the terrace of Government House
this evening.

An anniversary dinner! May l
have the pleasure of your company?


(CRICHTON) Oysters will be served.
(ALL) Yeah.

- And, Mary, roast venison?
- (MARY) Right, Guv.

(ALL) Yeah!

# Ta-ta-da-ta-da... #

Well done, John.

- You know something?
- (LOAM) Huh?

- The Guv doesn't want to go either.
- l know, for two pins he'd call it off.

And then we could get on with life.

- l want to get married and settle down.
- Oh. Who to?

Tweeny, of course, l'm mad about her.

- Oh.
- Yes, but she's in love with the Guv.

- l know she is.
- They all are.

We can't make any plans
till he makes his choice.

You're thinking of Agatha, of course.

Well, no, actually l wasn't but...

You mean you're after Tweeny too?

Well, l'm awfully sorry, old man,

but she's just such a glorious creature.

You two forget that Tweeny's
the only one of them that l can marry,

of course, if the Governor chooses Mary.

You're the father.
Couldn't you have a word with him?

- Sort of urge him on a bit.
- l?

lnterfere in the Governor's
private affairs?! No, of course not.

No, we'll iust have to wait
and hope for the best.

- Where did you dive from?
- Up there.

That's too high.
You might have hit the bottom.

- Well, l didn't.
- You are not to do it again.

- Is that an order?
- No.

l am just asking you not to, that's all.

ls something the matter?

Mary, l don't want to leave this island
anymore than you do.

- l know you don't.
- l am so happy here.

l have never been happier in my life.

How long will it last?

Why shouldn't it last?

We are eight human beings.

And very ordinary human beings.

- You are not ordinary, Guv.
- Oh, yes, l am.

You call me the Governor
and leave me with all the decisions.

Because you're best qualified
to make them.

But when it comes
to something really big,

l am beaten...

because l'm afraid.

You afraid?

What of?

That l'll lose you.

Well, what do you say about that?

lf that's all
you are afraid of, Guv, darling,

let's stay.

Oh, Guv.

- What about Tweeny?
- That was a long time ago.

- l don't want her to be hurt.
- Don't you worry about Tweeny.

l will look after her.
Come on, let's get some more oysters.

l iust thought,
l don't even know your name.

- It's Bill.
- Bill.

# ..Through street broad and narrow

# Singing cockles and mussels

# Alive, alive-o!

# Alive, alive-o #

The way that sand gets under
the Governor's bed,

l mightn't have scrubbed that floor
all week.

- Poor Daddy.
- Want any help?


Dear Daddy, you're not much help
but you're a nice cheerful thing

- to have round the place.
- Am l?

Oh, so long as l am of some use.

Daddy, that boat?

Don't you really want to finish it?

- Why should l?
- Well...

Well, you've got so much back there.

Making speeches in parliament,

fine house, lovely clothes,
plenty of money.

Yes, l know. There are moments when...

l do miss London once in a while.

Walking down Piccadilly,

strolling through Hyde Park.

The barrel organ outside the pub.

The lights along the embankment.

Hampstead Heath on a bank holiday.

Supper at Romano's,


There was a little beef shop
down the Old Kent road.


What would happen if one day
we saw a ship out there?

The beacon's still on the hill top
waiting to be lit.

Would you light it?

Which iust goes to show
what a sensible couple we are.

- Listen, Tweeny,
- Hmm.

l know l am not as young as l was.

Three grown-up daughters.

That's the trouble, really.

You are the only woman
on the island who...

- You see what l mean?
- Oh, Daddy.

Oh, l know about the Governor.

Well, if he chose one of the others...

l'm only second best l know,

but l work hard and...

Please, Daddy, thank you.

You are so sweet and kind but...

l know. It's all right.

l'm old enough to know better.

- (CRICHTON) Where is everybody?
- The Guv's back.

Oh, l haven't pressed his trousers.

(LOAM) Hello, Guv.

(CRICHTON) Here you are. Oysters.

- Enough for everyone.
- l'll get Daddy to open them.

- Got everything for the party?
- l think so, Guv.

Tweeny, a lot's happened
in the past two years, hasn't it?

- Yes, it has.
- We've changed, all of us.

We're quite different people.

- l suppose we are.
- Take you.

You are as good as any of the others
now and better than some.

- Am l?
. (cHucKLEs)


l am gonna make an announcement
at the party tonight

about myself and Mary.

l am going to announce
our engagement.

You and Mary engaged!

Well, l'm jiggered.

- You don't mind, Tweeny?
- Me?

- Why should l mind?
- l don't know, but two years ago...

Oh, that.
l was just a silly kid then. That...

That was just hero-worship.

Oh, l see.

Anyway, you are the Governor. You had
to have the first pick, didn't you?

And it's about time too, l must say.

Now we can stop this fidgeting
and get on.

l am sorry if l made things
difficult for you.

Oh, no, you haven't. Not for me.

Besides, l don't like a fellow
drooling around me all day.

Not that l couldn't have if l wanted.

As a matter of fact,
l've had two offers only today.

- Well, that's all right, then.
- Oh, yes, it is.

Well, l can't stay here
gossiping all day. l've...

l've got work to do.

(ALL SINGING) # And on the island
She reigned as queen

# One day a stranger
appeared on the scene

# Said he, ''Why waste your time
out in this awful clime?

# ''Oh, come with me
my pretty southern maid

# ''To my home across the sea!''

# But he went very red
when she turned up her nose and said

# ''l wouldn't leave
my little wooden hut for you

# ''l've got one lover
And l don't want two

# ''What might happen
There is no knowing

# ''lf he comes around
So you'd better be a-going

# ''For l wouldn't leave
My little wooden hut for you'' #


(AGATHA) A toast to the Governor.
(ALL) Yeah. Yeah.

To you, Guv,

and thank you for teaching us all
the meaning of the word happiness.

To your very good health, Governor.

(ALL) To Guv.
(CRICHTON) Bless you.

(LOAM) A speech.
(CRICHTON) No, l can't.

(ALL) Please, please.

Well, l can only say
that if l have been the teacher,

you pupils,
can go to the top of the class.


These past two years have been
a wonderful experience.

lf we're going to stay, and iudging
by your efforts as boat builders,

l strongly suspect that we are,

then we've got to make some
pretty permanent plans for the future.

l would like to start tonight
with a plan of my own.

- Daddy...
- (LOAM) Uh-huh?

lt's no good.

l can't be formal about this.

Mary and l have decided
we'd like to get married.

May we have your consent?

And l hope your blessings.

My dear Guv, may you?

But, of course, l am honoured.

(ERNEST) Congratulations.
(CRICHTON) Thank you, Ernest.

You've broken my heart
but l hope you'll be very happy.

- (AGATHA) Can we be bridesmaids?
- l order you to be.

- John, you will marry us?
- Of course, Guv.

You have both, l take it, been residing
in my parish the requisite period?


Guv? Tweeny.

Come on. Once again, all together.

wooDEN HuT FoR vou'')


She's late, Guv.

Bride's privilege, Ernie.

pLAvs oN AccoRDIoN)


- Where's Tweeny?
- She said not to wait.

Then we'll start, shall we?

Dearly beloved, we are gathered
together here in the sight of God

and in the face of this congregation

to ioin together
this man and this woman

in holy matrimony
which is an honourable estate,

institute of God
in the time of man's innocence.

William, will thou have this woman
for thy wedded wife,

to live together after God's ordinance
in the holiest state of matrimony?

Will thou love her,
comfort her, honour and keep her

and forsaking all other
keep thee only unto her?

l will.

Mary, will thou have
this man for thy wedded husband

to live together after God's ordinance
in the holiest state of matrimony?

Will thou obey him and serve him,
Iove, honour and keep him

in sickness and in health,

and forsaking all other
keep thee only unto him

so long as you both shall live?

l will.

(TREHERNE) Who giveth this woman
to be married to this man?

l do.

Now repeat after me.

- l, William...
- l, William...

- ..take thee, Mary...
- ..take thee, Mary...

- my wedded wife...
- my wedded wife...

- have and to hold...
- have and to hold...

- ..from this day forward...
- ..from this day forward...

- ..for better, for worse...
- ..for better, for worse...

- ..for richer, for poorer...
- ..for richer, for poo...

A ship!

A ship! A ship!

(ALL) Hey! Hey...

- Light the beacon.
- Yes, light the beacon.

- Go on, light it.
- No, no, we don't want them.

We don't want them now, do we?

Mary, it may be our last chance.

But we're happy here, all of us. Happy.

Please, please let the ship go.

- All very well for you.
- England. To see England again.

(AGATHA) It will be too late
if we don't light it.

Oh, for heaven's sake!
Light the beacon!

Wait, everybody.

There's only one person
who can decide what to do.

There's only one thing we can do.


(ERNEST) Come on, everybody.
Down to the beach.

(AGATHA) Yeah! Come on!


Come on, everybody, quickly.



Oh, Guv, why did you do it?

Did you see the look on their faces?

But it won't make any difference?

We can still get married?

Promise it won't make any difference.

- You must go down to the beach.
- But, Guv.

Go along, please.


A miracle, my dear fellow,
an absolute miracle.

We'd given up all hope.

Now this is
my eldest daughter, Mary.

- How do you do, Ma'am?
- How do you do?

You seem to have
made yourselves comfortable.

Oh, yes, we soon got things organised.

You'll be amazed,
but first have a drink.

Splice the mainsail, by Jove!

This is a...

- Look, a butler.

Uh, this is the Gov...

This is Crichton, my...

Well, Crichton, did you hear that?

ln six week's time,
we will be back in England.

What do you think of it?

Congratulations, My Lord.

Would you care to see the kitchen?

- Guv?
- My Lady?


- John, smile. People are looking.
- This ball was a mistake.

We had to celebrate our rescue.
Everyone expected it.

lf only your father had lost his voice.

- Someone had to take charge there.
- How courageous of you.

So l set them all to work
and by nightfall we had food and water

- and a fire.
- Wonderful.

All those people's lives in your hands.

- Great responsibility.
- You shouldered it.

My dear, Cynthia, who else could?


- You have no champagne.
- Oh, no.

- (CRICHTON) Your Grace?
- Tell me about the climate.

There's a review of my book
in every paper. They're all splendid.

They say it's the finest adventure story
they've ever read.

l'm a made man.

- Evening, Crichton.
- Evening, sir.

Come along, Catherine.

- You don't think he'll read the book?
- Bound to, l should think.

- You should have written the truth.
- Don't be silly, girl.

Anyway, he's got nearly
a whole page to himself.

Ernest, congratulations.
l read it last night.

- l couldn't put it down.
- Neither could l.

- The story of the tiger cat!
- With only a bow and arrow!

You saved his life. There's no doubt.

With your bare hands too, by Jove!

- With my bare hands, l tell you.
- Remarkable!

Woolley would have been
a goner that day.

That must have been harrowing.

Excuse me, sir.

For heaven's sake,
remember where you are.

l'm sorry, Father, l keep forgetting.

Mary, Crichton will have to go.

- Oh, no.
- It is like living on top of a volcano.

Father, he won't say anything.

lf he did...

You've read Ernest's book?

lf he did, we'd be a laughing stock.

You can trust him completely.

You don't realise
the impossibility of my position.

Father, have you forgotten
so much already?

He made us into real people.

Whatever happens,
we mustn't forget that.

- Yes.
- l shan't.

That's no way to talk, Mary.

- If you marry Brocklehurst...
- He hasn't asked me yet.

Oh, Mary, this is our dance.

(LOAM) Oh, Crichton...

- ..bring me a large whiskey and soda.
- My Lord.

And, Crichton, the island seems
a long way away now.

- Indeed it does.
- Like a dream.

Best forgotten, eh?

l'll fetch your whiskey, My Lord.


l cannot wait a moment longer, Mother.

- l am consumed by passion.
- You should take more exercise.

You agreed
l should propose tonight.

l wonder what really happened
on that island.

- You read Woolley's book.
- Figment of the imagination.

lf he's lying,
l have no doubt all the others are,

- especially Mary.
- Why?

Had l been shipwrecked
on an island with two young men,

- l should have lied when l got home.
- Really?

l'm determined to find out the truth.

l want everyone who was on that island

assembled in the drawing room,
including Crichton.

He won't dare to lie to me.

- Mother, you can't interrupt the ball.
- Go and tell them.

George, listen out for
anyone answering me

with ''the fact is.''

But why, Mother?

Because that is usually
the beginning of a lie.

l obiect to being summoned
from my own ballroom in this fashion.

- Don't bluster, Henry.
- Emily...

There are
certain suspicions l wish to allay

before the announcement
of George's engagement.

- Oh, Crichton.

My Lady.

- You were one of the castaways?
- l was.

l want you to answer me truthfully.

l promise to do that.

- Ooh...

Oh, a brilliant author.

Oh, l don't know.

Your book, Mr Woolley,
is as engrossing as a work of fiction.


Oh, the fact is...


Lady Brocklehurst, nothing whatever
happened on that island

of which l am ashamed.

- No?
- Really, Emily, l must protest.

My dear Henry, don't be alarmed.

l wish to discover whether
the views you held on equality

were adopted on the island.

Well, Crichton,
were you all equal on the island?

No, My Lady.

l can safely say there was
as little equality there as elsewhere.

Were all the social distinctions

As at home, My Lady.

- The servants?
- They had to keep their place.

How was that managed?
You girl, tell me that.

lf you please, My Lady,
it was all the Guv's doing.

The Guv?

ln a regrettable slang
of the servants, My Lady,

the master is usually
referred to as the Guv.


- You didn't take meals with the family?
- Certainly not. l dined apart.

And you girl,
did you dine with Crichton?

Uh, naturally the staff
sat down together.

- l see.
- (LOAM) Thank you, Crichton.

- Thank you, that's all.
- One moment, Henry.

Young people will be young people,
even on an island, Crichton.

l suppose there was
a certain amount of,

shall we say, sentimentalising,
going on.

- Yes, My Lady.
- (LOAM) Emily...

Which gentleman? You girl tell me.


lf you please, Your Ladyship...

The fact is, we didn't...

lt was him, Your Ladyship, Mr Ernest.

With which lady, was it Lady Mary?

No, Your Ladyship.

lt was...

Well, l don't care
which of the others it was.

Those servants teas
that used to take place here?

Uh, they did not seem natural
on the island, My Lady,

and were discontinued
on the Guv's orders.

They should
never have taken place at all.

l admit it frankly and l abandoned them.

As a result of our experience,

l am thinking of going over
to the Tories.

Congratulations, My Lord.

Well, l suppose that will do.

You are an excellent fellow, Crichton.
If after Lady Mary and l are married,

you ever wish to change your place,
you can come to us.

- No.
- (EMILY) Why not?

Can you see why not, my man?

l had not told you, My Lord,

but as soon as Your Lordship is suited,

l wish to leave service.

Well, l have said all l want to say.

Let's go back to the ball room.

(ERNEST) Splendid. Follow me.

(GEORGE) That's our dance, Mary.

Horrid of me, wasn't it, Henry?

lf an old woman can't be disagreeable
now and then,

life would be unutterably tedious.

(CRICHTON) You may go, Eliza.

You're leaving to save the family,
aren't you, Crichton?

Well, there are too many
Lady Brocklehursts in England.

What do you intend to do?

lf l can help, you know...

Oh, no, no, thank you, My Lord.

l am going to start up in business.
Whilst on the island,

l took a precaution of acquiring
a certain amount of capital.




l thought you had retired, My Lady.

l told Lord Brocklehurst
he must wait for his answer.

l'm sure you know best.

Oh, Guv, l thought you were a fighter.
On the island...

On the island,
l had tangible things to fight.

Here, there's only civilisation.

No man can fight civilisation and win.

l'll fight with you.

- We'd end up by fighting each other.
- Let's go back.

- To the island?
- Yes.

l can still hear the sound of the surf,

see the curve of the bay.

No, Mary.

One can't recapture a dream.

Don't spoil it by trying to.

Bill! Bill! l won't let you go. l won't.

Mary, you know l am right.

No, l don't. l love you.

You loved somebody you called
the Governor. He does not exist anymore.

Now you're Lady Mary,

and it's time you say
good night to Crichton,

- your butler.
- No.

Come along.

l know.

- You made me a cup of tea.
- Yes, Guv.

You don't mind if l call you Guv.
Just for tonight anyway.

Move up, make room for me.

Well, it's been a bit of an evening,
eh, Eliza?

- What about that Lady Brocklehurst?
. (cHucKLEs)

A determined woman.

How about her on the island, eh?

- Heaven forbid.
- You'd have handled her, though.

Are you really going away, Guv,
for good, l mean?

Yes, l'm going.

- You're going to take me?
- Well, l don't know, Tweeny.

l'll have to think about that.

You're in a good position now.

A lady's maid! Your chances are good.

Don't forget there was...

Mary? l faced up to that.

Besides, that was on the island.
It's different here.

We'd do all right.
We're made for each other.

Think of it.
The butler and the lady's maid.

A happy combination.

And what a chance for the children.


- Go on. Run along up to bed.
- Good night, Guv.

God bless.

Uh, good luck, Crichton.

- Let's hear from you.
- Indeed, you will.

Goodbye, My Lord. Thank you.

Oh, no. Thank you, Governor.

Goodbye, John.

- Good luck with the new parish.
- Thank you.

And God bless you, Guv.

- (CRICHTON) Ernest.
- Bye, Guv.

- l enjoyed your book.
- Oh.

- Cathy.
- Bye, Guv.

- No more suffragettes.
- No, Guv.

- Agatha.
- Good luck, Guv.

- l'll come with you to the door.
- A moment, My Lord.

- l'm expecting a lady to ioin me.
- Eh?

- The lady l'm going to marry.
- What?


l'm sorry l kept you waiting.

l iust want
to wish you every happiness.


Thank you Mary for my lovely clothes.

(TREHERNE) Well done.
(ERNEST) Congratulations!

(CRICHTON) A bit of a surprise.
We must be off. Eliza, our train.

- Yes, Guv.
- Good luck, Guv.

After you, Eliza.

Thank you.