Out to Sea (1997) - full transcript
Care-free Charlie cons his widower brother-in-law Herb into an expenses-paid luxury cruise in search of rich, lonely ladies. The catch is that they are required to be dance hosts! With a tyrannical cruise director, and the luscious Liz and lovely Vivian, our heroes have lots of mis-adventures before they finally return to port.
Hare Krishna. Hare Krishna.
Hare Krishna. Hare Krishna.
Hare Krishna. Hare Krishna.
Hare Krishna. Hare Krishna.
Hare Krishna. Hare Krishna.
Hare Krishna. Hare Krishna.
Hare Krishna. Hare Krishna.
Hare Krishna. Come on.
Hare Krishna. Hare Krishna.
Hare Krishna.
Keep it together. Hare Krishna.
Hare Krishna.
Hare Krishna. Hare Krishna.
Hare Kr... No.
A heartbreaking loss for Hare Krishna.
- Give me a 1-5-6, a 1-5-7, and a...
- Give me a break, will you?
You can't bet every horse.
It's cheating.
- Give me the tickets.
- We're gonna get shut out.
I've got a sure winner.
$ 10 across the board on number 2.
At 70-to-1?
Charlie, where's the money?
If I had the money, would I be betting
long shots?
Please, Edie, cover for me
this one time.
Okay, Charlie. You're down.
Thank you, sweetheart.
I love you very much.
A pretty good start.
The only one slow is High Button Shoes.
And High Button Shoes is last,
early on.
Swinging onto the back stretch,
it's Last Chance setting the pace.
High Button Shoes does begin
to pick it up.
High Button Shoes now joins the pack
as they swing onto the last stretch.
High Button Shoes.
High Button Shoes.
- High Button Shoes. High Button Shoes.
- High Button Shoes...
High Button Shoes.
High Button Shoes!
High Button Shoes.
High Button Shoes!
Come on, you schmuck! Move!
You got it, kid! You got it!
That's the way to do it!
High Button Shoes!
High Button Shoes!
You got it, baby!
High Button Shoes has won!
I love you too.
See you later, sweetheart.
Hi, how you doing?
Looks like you're having a big day, huh?
Mickey, my favorite bookie.
- How's business?
- I'll tell you, Charlie.
- I'm in a tough racket.
- Yeah. I know what you mean.
Well, I gotta see somebo...
Sometimes, I get this terrible feeling
like people are trying to avoid me.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
That's too bad. You should see
someone about that.
- I am seeing someone.
- Who?
- Where's my money, Charlie?
- Money?
Come on, I'm broke, Mickey. You'll be
the first to know when I get money...
Oh, my goodness.
Where did this come from?
I'll tell you what. I'll give you $500
and we'll call it even, all right?
I'll tell you what.
I'll take a grand,
and you still owe me three grand.
Three thousand.
Always and forever, kiddo.
Did you come to borrow money?
Let me just say...
Why do you assume the only reason
I come here is to borrow money?
Because every time you
come here, you borrow money.
Herbie, I'm gonna tell you something
you're not gonna believe.
I never believe anything
that you tell me.
Ho-ho-ho. Very funny.
No, it's very sad.
Not as sad as a man having dinner
with a photograph.
Come on. I'm celebrating.
It's my 45th wedding anniversary.
Very touching.
Except today isn't your anniversary.
Look, Suzie was my wife.
- I realize that, she was my sister.
- My ann...
- I was your best man, March 15, 1952.
- Correct.
Except today is the 16th.
- Impossible.
- Why? That's the way it works.
First, you get the 15th,
then after that is the 16th.
And then later on comes the 17th.
Here. Take a look at the date.
Sixteen...
God, I've blown my own anniversary.
I'm sorry, kiddo.
- There.
- What the hell...?
If you need clothes, the Salvation Army's
over on Fourth Street.
- These will be perfect.
- What are...? Perfect for what?
Will you do me a favor? I worked
in a department store for half of my life.
If you don't buy something,
you put it back.
Herbie...
- ...happy anniversary.
- That was yesterday.
Go ahead, open it.
"Mexico and the Yucatán. Witness
the spectacle of a rare solar eclipse...
...from the Mayan Pyramids."
- This is a cruise.
- Right.
- Deluxe accommodations, see?
- All right, where'd you get these?
Remember a guy named No-Neck?
Well, they finally busted him.
He gave me these in lieu of
cash he owed me.
Now, wait a minute.
Somebody owed you money?
How dumb do you think I am?
What are you gonna do? Stay cooped up
in this mausoleum you call home?
- You're still alive. Did anybody tell you?
- Look who's talking.
Damn right, "Look who's talking."
- Don't you get tired of being alone?
- No, the answer's no.
- Gourmet food, free drinks.
- No. No.
A bevy of pretty broads.
You're looking for a meaningful
relationship.
- Why not?
- You've never had one in your life.
I got news for you.
My life isn't over yet...
...which is why I suggest we get on
that ship and sip champagne...
...with some lonely, rich broads.
Who knows?
We may get lucky during the eclipse.
Charlie, hear me:
The answer is no.
Hold it. Hold it. Coming through.
Two customers.
Made it just in time.
- Herbie, come this way.
- It's the wrong section.
- This looks like our seats.
- Those are first-class.
What's the matter?
We're not first-class?
- But our boarding things say...
- I don't care what they say.
- Will you sit down?
- But wait.
- These could belong to somebody else.
- Relax, will you? The doors are closed.
We're not gonna be stopping
on 34th Street to pick up passengers.
Okay, Charlie.
Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Thank you very much.
- I may become a frequent flier.
- Damn good mimosa.
Yeah, here's to good living, kid.
Okay, okay. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Okay. Thank you very much. Okay, now
begins the first leg of our honeymoon.
Only a year late.
I'd like to make a small bet
on where they're gonna be sitting.
It's Mom. Say hi, Mom.
- Stop it, will you, Allan?
- And my beautiful bride.
Let me see here.
Excuse me. I believe
you're sitting in our seats.
- Yeah, that figures.
- I'm sorry.
That's all right, I'm sorry.
See what you do?
- May I see your boarding passes?
- Actually, it's my fault.
The doctor here thought it'd be best if
I weren't subjected to the stress...
- ...of economy class.
- Thirty-seven H and J.
You gentlemen will have to pay
for these drinks.
Maybe Blue Cross could cover it.
That's good.
That's very funny, ma'am. Very witty.
Hey.
Aren't those the seats they use
for transporting convicted felons?
Herbie, sit down.
You're scaring the kids.
We'll begin our nonstop
express service to Miami, Florida.
Our flight time will be
approximately five hours.
Welcome aboard
the beautiful M.S. Westerdam.
Your cabin stewards are happy to meet
any special needs you may have.
- Don 't hesitate to ask for assistance.
- Boy, oh, boy.
And please note, there will be a
compulsory lifeboat drill...
- ...today at 5:30 p.m.
- Mr. Lee, back again.
Nice to see you
and the lovely missus.
Oh, no, it's someone else, isn't it?
Hello.
I'd like you to meet my dance hosts.
Mac.
- Hello.
- Jonathan.
Come on.
Herbie, listen to me. I wanted to tell you
something before you...
- Herbie...
- Oh, wow.
Man, I tell you something.
When they say "deluxe accommodations,"
they mean deluxe.
Well, Herbie, "deluxe" can mean
several different things.
For example, in a diner,
"deluxe" means "comes with fries."
This is it. Oh, Ma!
This is gorgeous. What a suite.
- Oh. Hi.
- Hello, ladies.
I want those small pieces in the
bedroom. Who the hell are you?
Lizzy, get a load of slouchy here.
Does he come with the stateroom?
Mom, where's your hospitality?
Now, listen.
I have been on a plane for three hours.
I have been in a taxicab
for an hour-and-a-half.
I need to take a crap and a nap...
...and I do not need an audience.
Sounds like a party we can miss.
- We'll see you later, ladies.
- Bye, now.
Boy. Did you see
the chassis on that broad?
I'll bet she's worth a few mil.
This must be wrong. I mean, why would
they have us way down here?
I like it down here. Gives us a chance
to get away from the commotion up top.
Like the other passengers
and the view?
- This is us.
- Listen to me.
I've been meaning to tell you something.
Before you go into the room, listen.
- Cozy, isn't it?
- It's wha...? It's "cozy"?
A good fart will give you a concussion.
Needs a little daylight.
Herb, this is the best possible thing
that could've happened.
I can't wait to hear why.
- As dance hosts...
- What?
...it's actually our job to flirt
with all the classy broads.
What? Dance hosts?
Yeah, that's how I was able
to afford the tickets.
Instead of paying for the cruise,
I signed us up as dance hosts.
- The cruise is free.
- What do you mean, you idiot?
- We're working!
- We're not working.
We're dancing and cavorting.
You moron. You don't even know
how to dance.
That's why I brought you here.
- Perhaps we're interrupting you.
- Welcome aboard.
We share the bathroom. This is
Jonathan Deveraux. I'm Mac Vela.
USMC retired.
I'll be your liaison to the CD.
- The what D?
- Cruise director. Gil Godwyn?
Too bad you got Gil for your first gig.
He's a real prick.
- Control freak.
- Frigging Nazi.
- Classic megalomaniac.
- Not a nice man.
If you have any questions, feel free.
I got one question.
What's the fastest route off this ship?
Excuse me.
Hello.
Okay, chief. Pull the gangway in.
All visitors should now be ashore.
Last call, please.
All visitors should now be ashore.
Pardon me.
Oh!
Oh, my God.
- Sir, are you okay?
- Yeah, I think.
- There you go. You sure?
- Thank you, yeah.
- God, that's embarrassing.
- Only for you.
- Oh, my God!
- What?
The ship's moving.
- Ships are known to do that.
- But I need that gangplank.
Please! Hello! Major! Somebody!
I gotta use that sucker!
I've gotta... I've got... Hello!
Now, where the hell did they go
with my luggage?
God almighty.
Thank you very much.
What's the matter with you?
- Got a problem?
- Not really.
I always cry at sailings.
They're so romantic.
Oh, yeah.
Join your cruise staff by
the lido pool on the upper promenade...
... deck aft for the gala sail away...
Herbie, I know you're upset now,
but in a few days you'll be thanking me.
Listen, Charlie, what is in this for you?
Now tell me, and no shit,
because I'm too tired.
Okay, fine. Remember my old pal Tony?
Tony?
- Anthony Caldoni?
- Yeah.
Yeah, the mail-fraud guy.
First of all, those charges
were dropped.
- But guess what he's doing today.
- I don't give a rat's ass.
So happens, he's married to one
of the richest broads in Palm Beach.
And guess how they met.
One, two, cha-cha-cha.
- One, two...
- No way, José.
Wake me at the first port of call.
That's where I get off.
- I hate to see you do this.
- Why is that?
Because if you don't dance
you lose your employee status...
...and that means you gotta pay.
That's 2500 smackeroonies.
You son of a bitch! You're the one
who should be paying!
Would the dance hosts
please report to the main ballroom?
They're playing our song.
Very nice hair.
Right. Nails? Cut them. Let me.
Thank you. Excellent, Mac.
Jonathan, clip the ear hair.
- I beg your pardon?
- Ear hair.
I'm very skeptical of dance hosts
who can't keep time.
- Mister...?
- Me? Sullivan, Herb.
- And that's Gordon, Charles.
- Lovely.
Sorry we're late,
but it's a very big boat.
This boat happens to be
the flagship vessel...
...of the world's premier cruise line.
And I am the cruise director.
Sir. Yes, sir.
I've a feeling you're
going to be trouble.
- Oh...
- No, we're not. We're pussycats.
For your sake, I hope...
Is that cologne or Armor All?
That's close. Close, it's cologne,
but I bought it at a gas station.
I've got my eye on you.
You're not so bad yourself.
- All right.
- Fuck you.
We're 30 seconds from intros.
Now, remember that you are
the representatives of this ship...
...and will, at all times,
behave in a manner appropriate thereto.
You will be courteous and respectful
at all times, and when the music stops...
...you will escort your partner
back to her seat.
Above all, you will not fraternize
privately with the guests at any time.
If you do, it's grounds
for immediate dismissal.
- Permission to speak, sir?
- Denied. Mac, mike.
- Who's Mac Mike?
- I don't know.
Oh, yes.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the M.S. Westerdam proudly presents...
...your cruise director...
...the very talented Mr. Gil Godwyn!
Thank you!
Can't believe it.
He actually opens for himself.
Thank you so very much.
Aren't they absolutely marvelous?
Thank you. Thank you.
- Very good. Very good.
- Thank you.
- Good. Very good.
- Magnificent.
Moving experience.
Thank you so much.
You're too kind, really.
Thank you, girls.
What could his parents
have possibly done to him?
Now, ladies and gentlemen,
I'd like to introduce our dance hosts.
Mac.
Jonathan. Bill.
How do you like him?
- He's too short.
- Oh.
- Julio. Bobby.
- Oh me, me!
Scott. Herb.
And Ch... Cha... Ch... Charlie!
Hey, Charlie.
Charlie.
- That guy Herb is cute.
- Uh-huh.
Let's get them while they're hot.
Just an expression.
Just like the beach at Normandy.
Gentlemen, I didn't hire you
to be wallflowers.
I don't want anyone on my ship
ever to feel ignored.
Mrs. Carruthers,
may I have the great pleasure?
Kiss-ass.
Take it, fellas.
- I'm Mac. Welcome aboard.
- Thank you, Mac.
Where are you going?
Taking on a lot of water
in the forward compartment, sir.
God. You have two minutes. Go.
Any time you're ready, Herb.
Silly old me. I do expect my dance hosts
to actually dance.
Of course. It's just that
I don't know if I'm up to...
I'll tell you the truth, Gil.
I lost my wife not too long ago.
Oh, good. Tell it to the ladies.
They eat it up.
Do I take a number,
or may I serve myself?
Yeah, but I'm kind of new at this.
Well, you can dance, can't you?
Oh.
You can dance.
Oh.
- I sure hope these pins hold.
- What pins?
Nothing serious. They just keep
my legs attached to my hips.
- Ever seen so much food in your life?
- Spectacular.
I was a size 4 when I got on this ship.
Excuse me for butting in,
but don't I know you from someplace?
- I don't know, not...
- Pardon me.
- Um...
- Uh...
Bravo.
Thank you very much.
- Is there a seat open there?
- Yes, of course.
- Sure. Pull up a chair.
- Here we go.
- Looks like it's your lucky night, kid.
- It is that, it is.
Luck had absolutely nothing
to do with it.
She played that hand splendidly.
Absolutely splendidly.
Why, thank you.
It's okay. You can drop
the accent now.
You want a refill on this, kid?
Oh, thanks.
Name's Charlie Gordon.
I'm single and I'm looking.
Liz LaBreche. I'm single
and I ain't looking, but thanks.
You're welcome.
They call me Gordo on the street.
- What street is that, Gordo?
- Wall Street. Ever hear of it?
What exactly do you do
on Wall Street?
Well, I have a small hot-dog stand.
When things go badly over there,
I'm in the mergers and acquisitions game.
The buy-in's $ 1000.
A thousand dollars. That reminds me
of my first year at college.
Where exactly did you
go to college, Gordo?
That's a little place called F.U.
- Your name, sir, is...?
- Carswell.
Now, boys, let's not have
a pissing match here.
Let's play cards.
Yes, we're here to play poker
if you can raise the $ 1000.
Thousand doll... May I have that deck,
please? I'll give it right back.
Just wanna take a look...
I'll bet you $5000, even money,
top card's a picture.
- Even money?
- Yes, sir.
- You've got yourself a bet.
- Okay. Turn it over.
You owe me $5000.
That was a lot of fun.
Tell you what. Let's go again for 10.
You don't have to.
If you wanna quit now, it's okay.
I'll give you the five grand.
- Let's make it 20.
- Yes. Yes, I like that.
Now we're having some fun.
Twenty?
You wanna bet $20,000 the top card
is not a picture? You got a deal.
Okay, boy.
Twenty thousand dollars. Turn it over.
Turn it over, please.
That's very interesting.
Boy, is that interesting.
Wanna double it again?
Yes.
Enough of this child's play.
I owe you $ 15,000.
- Let's play poker.
- Okay.
Here we go. That's a lot of fun.
- I'm gonna get a brownie.
- A brownie, yeah.
Sorry.
We'll have to call the Guinness Book
about your friend Charlie.
Now what?
He's taking the longest piss
in recorded freaking history.
Oh.
There's a lady at table 16
who's arrived late.
- I suggest you welcome her.
- Okay, where's table 16?
Over there.
What a lovely room.
Oh, that lady...
- Hi there. Excuse me.
- Nice to see you're still onboard.
Thank you. I just wondered
if you'd care to dance.
Actually, I've seen you move.
How do I know you won't trip...
- ...and drag me overboard?
- You don't.
But I swim even better than I dance.
- Go for it, Mom.
- I promise I won't bite.
Here goes nothing.
I haven't danced in a long time.
Slow, slow, quick, quick.
Slow, slow, quick, quick.
Slow, slow, quick, quick.
Don't look down. Look at me.
Honey, tell me I did the right thing
by bringing Mom along.
You did the right thing.
Now let's go sneak inside
one of those lifeboats.
You and whoever you used to dance
with must have been great together.
Now, promenade.
Yeah, that would be Suzie and me.
We danced all night at our wedding, and
it's like we never stopped for 46 years.
- What a lovely image.
- Well, thank you.
Now tell me all about you. Everything.
- Everything?
- Sure.
It's only a 10-day cruise.
Yeah, well, give me the
Reader's Digest version, you know?
Okay.
- I live in New York.
- Yeah.
- I was a book editor at Doubleday.
- Ooh.
- Mother of two.
- Uh-huh.
Recent widow of one...
...and I was shanghaied here
by newlyweds.
- Oh.
- The bride is my daughter.
- Oh, I'm sure that she meant well.
- I'm sure.
Are you having any fun?
- I don't know yet.
- Oh. What do you know?
Thank you, thank you.
- That was fun.
- Yeah.
Doctor...?
- Oh. Sullivan. Call me Herb.
- Vivian.
I could use a little fresh air.
Join me?
- Well, I'd love to...
- I promise I won't bite.
You know something? I'm going along
with you, in case you change your mind.
Are you getting enough zeros in there?
Eighteen thousand.
Thank you.
Enjoying the company
of a stunning lady...
...is all I wish to take away
from this table, sir.
Mere confetti.
Confetti, sir.
Excuse me.
I once heard that
if a whale loses its mate...
...it never takes another.
Do you suppose that
could really happen?
I mean, I haven't spoken to
a lot of whales lately...
...but hell, if it was perfect
the first time, then...
My feelings... My feelings exactly.
Better not fall on our heads.
No. That's 50-gauge cable.
Hell, that could hold a couple of
elephants playing patty-cake.
Either you know your elephants,
or you know your cable.
- I was a swabbie. Pacific area.
- Really?
Yeah.
- You ever have to get in one of those?
- No, ma'am. Thank God.
Matowski did, though.
- Who?
- Ensign Myron Matowski.
See, he was nuts about this Filipino girl,
and her parents objected.
They put her in a boat
to send her to another island.
Matowski hijacks one
of these lifeboats...
...gets in there. Out he goes.
Sends up a flare.
He damn near started a naval battle.
- She see the flare?
- You kidding?
Last I heard, they were working
on their sixth grandchild...
...and she had her own brand
of applesauce.
So tell me.
How does a swabbie
become a doctor?
A what?
Yeah. I wanted to explain that to you.
- Oh, you don't have to explain.
- No, I wanted to explain.
Well, would you like to walk me
to my cabin?
Yeah, I would, but I ca... I can't.
- I can take a hint.
- No, what hint?
I promised a couple of chest butchers
that I'd have a brandy with them.
Right.
Chest butchers?
What the hell kind of a moron
are you?
Now, why would you go
and do something like that?
To impress you.
Oh. Oh, well, keep it up.
This might work.
Mr. Gordon.
What you do, like samurai.
Great style.
You have most terrible accent.
Where you learn Japanese?
- Okinawa.
- Oh.
It's a small sushi joint
on the Sunset Strip.
Where were you?
- A passenger requested an escort, sir.
- Fraternizing.
Nobody fratted anybody.
All we did was... Oh, my God.
Coming through, please.
Injured man here. Injury.
If it isn't the phantom
of the ballroom.
I ought to sue you guys.
Everything around here is so
slippery and wet.
- It's an ocean liner.
- I may never dance again.
Again... I haven't seen you dance yet.
Fortunately for you,
I found the infirmary.
The infirmary is closed at this hour.
- That's what I found out.
- Look...
Let me... Let me speak candidly,
gentlemen.
I'm this close to a promotion that would
make me vice president of entertainment.
Wow.
I intend to get that job
by showing how well...
...I can keep two old dickheads
like you in line.
- Oh, now listen.
- No, you listen.
Don't mess with me.
I'm your worst nightmare.
A song and dance man
raised on a military base.
Dismissed.
You seem to be annoyed with me,
Herbie.
Tell me if I'm wrong.
And what's this about you
leaving the dance floor?
None of your business.
None of my business.
How do you like that?
- Why are you sterilizing your trousers?
- I'm steaming them.
What are you gonna do?
Eat them with garlic butter?
It takes the wrinkles out,
you imbecile.
A man is steaming his pants at midnight,
it generally means there's a broad.
No broad.
Well, that's too bad because I got
one lined up. Rich, Texas-rich...
...with an ass so beautiful it's a shame
she has to sit down on it.
Will you do me a favor
and knock that stuff off?
I'm sorry. I forgot you were cooking.
Now that you got this girl,
when will she find out you're not...
...who she thought you were?
- By then she'll be in love.
- In love with a lie.
- Nobody's perfect.
I think a man should tell a woman
the truth before she falls in love.
- Otherwise, how do you know it's real?
- What's real is if I play my cards right...
...I'll wind up on easy street.
Once I'm there,
I'm inviting you over every Sunday.
- I don't want anything to do with this.
- Okay, then don't come over.
- She thinks I'm a doctor.
- Who?
Nobody.
You met a broad.
You're crazy. Years of insanity
have made you crazy.
- Do I look crippled or not.
- Yeah, you look crippled, up here.
Oh, cut it out.
Most of you will work
the dance class from 10 to 11...
...and the wine and cheese tasting
from 12 to 1.
Please use moderation.
The last thing I need is flatulating hosts
staggering about the ship.
I bet his father was cruise director
on the Bismarck.
Think of yourselves as butterflies,
gentlemen...
...and our guests as flowers.
You job is to pollinate the flowers
with hospitality.
This guy's been at sea too long.
And if you screw up, I am personally
going to see to it...
...that you are removed from the ship
and charged the full passage...
...of $5462.51,
as indicated in your contracts.
What the hell is the...? Five thousand?
Five thousand? You told me 2000.
As for you, Mr. Gordon, Dr. Johanson
will see you at 1100 hours, sharp.
I don't think that's necessary, sir.
You see, the foot just needs a little rest.
You will remain off your injured foot...
...until Dr. Johanson says otherwise.
Are we clear?
- Yes, sir, clear. Extremely clear, sir.
- Brilliant.
Dismissed.
All passengers
disembarking at Playa del Carmen...
... please report
to tender deck, midship.
Those of you attending the festival
must board the fiesta bus at 4: 10.
Well, look who's here.
- Flowers. No. I'll bet they're for me.
- Who else would they be for?
Save it, Hoss.
- Come on in.
- Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Sure appreciate it.
You know, the first day you was in here
sniffing around like a yard dog...
- ...I knew you'd be back.
- Ma, for the love of Pete!
- Oh, who's Pete? My competition?
- That's right.
And guess who I'm rooting for.
Oh, Charlie.
Oh, it's so nice to see you.
Oh, yeah.
- Are these for me?
- No.
- No?
- Oh, yes.
Oh. They're just beautiful.
I didn't want to be too showy.
Oh, well. Yours are very tasteful.
- Thank you, Charlie.
- Thank you.
I have to get dressed.
Why don't you talk to Ma.
- Excuse me.
- Okay.
I want you to behave yourself,
Charlie.
You see, I saw the way you were staring
at my daughter's chest.
- Oh, I used to be a cardiologist.
- Really?
I'm almost ready. Charlie, would you
like to walk with me?
Oh, thank you.
- Ma, we'll see you later.
- Have fun.
I'll try to find a shot glass
for those flowers.
- She's darling, isn't she?
- That's Mom.
- There you are.
- Hello.
We must hurry. The bus is leaving
in 10 minutes.
- Hello there, sport.
- Hello.
Charlie, why don't you come
with us.
Oh, unfortunately,
I'm told that the tour is full.
That's...
About those flowers. Thank you. They're
beautiful. I love them. See you later?
- Have a good day, Gordo.
- Ta-ta.
There's something about
that man I don't like. Don't you agree?
That you don't like him?
I'd agree with that.
What, do they call this dancing?
I did this in line at the A&P.
Well, the view's right.
- I used to have an ass like that.
- Come on, guys. Pay attention.
- Would you mind standing back, please?
- Let me show you how it's done, okay?
Attention. Ship to shore call.
Mr. Cullen Carswell.
That's you. That sounds exciting.
- I'll try to wrap it up quickly.
- I'll go ahead and save you a seat.
All right. Ship to shore for Carswell.
Yes. It's an overseas call
from Mr. Donald Trump.
- He's calling from Zürich. It's urgent.
- There a phone with privacy?
Take it at the second booth,
on your right.
Thank you.
This is Cullen Carswell.
I'll take my call now.
- One moment, sir.
- Hello?
- Hello. Mr. Carswell? Hello?
- Who is this?
This is the international operator.
I have momentarily lost your congestion.
Please hold for Mr. Trump.
Yes. I'll hold, but please hurry.
- Are you holding, sir?
- Yes, yes, I'm holding.
- Is this Mr. Carsmell?
- Carswell.
Yeah, please hold. Don't go away.
Passengers traveling to the festival
must board the fiesta bus...
... at wharf 10 for immediate departure.
This it the last...
Hey.
I figured I'd see if there were any
no-shows. Where's your friend?
You just don't give up, do you?
Oh, look at those. Don't you just
love horses, Charlie?
- Only when they win.
- Ah!
You've never done any real gambling.
- For how much?
- Not money.
I'm talking about life. Gambling.
You've never been married,
have you?
- In what sense?
- I knew it. I knew it.
I'm waiting for my sexual prime.
And just when do you think
that's gonna happen?
In about 5 minutes.
That's it, get the hips going.
Get that Cuban motion going.
Ladies under. Very nice.
Good. Come back around.
- Mom, give me a break.
- Shelly, give me a break.
I danced with the man one time.
- You were glowing like Miss Arkansas.
- So I had fun.
Herb's a wonderful dancer, but he's
a doctor and you know I hate doctors.
- Now moving to the side.
Keep the hips going.
There's a class. Let's go join.
It'll be fun.
- Well...
- You love dancing.
Come on.
All right.
- That's it.
- You are getting so good.
Your turn, madame.
Good. Excellent.
Now try anything
that we practiced today. Okay.
Good job, everybody.
How about a wonderful hand
for our dance hosts?
It says that it's a festival
of sacrifice...
...to purge themselves of evil
before the eclipse.
- I'm excited. I've never seen an eclipse.
- Is that right?
- I've seen one once.
- Really?
Yeah, but I think the moon
got in the way.
Yes!
- Oh.
- Here we go. Here we go.
Look how happy they are
that we're here.
- What are you doing?
- I'm looking at this for a possible suit.
- What are you doing?
I wanna dance with my friends.
Come with me.
Come with me, con permiso.
- Watch out.
- You stay here. I'll be right back.
- I gotta see a man about a dog.
- Take your time.
Gil, I've been talking to the board
about hiring...
- ...a vice president of entertainment.
- Interesting.
Is there a way out of here
besides the door?
Oh, yes. Si, si, si. Down the drain.
Very funny, pal. Very funny.
Listen, pal, I need to borrow
your mask for a few minutes.
- Get lost, pops.
- Wait.
I'll let you have this genuine Rolex.
Please, mister.
This ain't a Rolex. It says "Romex."
You gonna make a federal case
out of one letter?
They don't make Romexes anymore.
- This is a collector's item.
- Beat it.
- Oh, don't be ridiculous.
I haven't had a chimichanga in years.
- Would you pardon me for one moment?
- What?
- Nature, you know. Sorry.
- Oh.
Pardon me. Pardon me.
You wanna buy a Rolex?
Coming through.
What's going on here?
Parrot coming through.
Parrot here. Parrot.
Gil!
Huh? Leave her alone for five seconds.
I'm getting a little dizzy.
Are you all right? Let me out of here.
Are you people insane?
What are you doing with the bull?
Holy...!
Oh, my God. I'm the parrot!
I see trouble.
Hey, señor. Hey, pal.
Gil, wait!
All right, mister. I've got you.
Oh, sorry. I thought you were...
Oh, my God.
- Let's go.
- Why are we going now?
Now's the time to loot the shops.
- Charlie, we're witnessing history.
- I've seen history. It stinks.
Stop! There's a fire there!
Can't you see?
My head's on fire! Help me!
Stop this cow instantly!
Well, hello.
Stuff works wonders for groin pain.
Cheers to you all.
I've dug all over Guatemala
and all over Honduras.
The whole culture is so interesting,
so fascinating...
- Vivian.
- Herb, what a lovely surprise.
I know what you're thinking.
- This is my new friend, Sebastian.
- Hello.
He just gave a lecture on the significance
of solar eclipses in Mayan mythology.
Mayan mythology will tell you
that an eclipse isn't an eclipse at all...
...but rather a birth or an unveiling,
if you will, of a new sun, or a new life...
Oh?
- And a dance host on the side.
- I tried to explain this...
Explain what? I think you did
your job very well.
- Who is he?
- I don't know.
- He looks familiar.
- Not to me.
My husband was in the oil business
with my dad.
Daddy trusted him.
I figured I could trust him.
- So, what happened?
- Well, as it turned out...
...there were a lot of test wells
he was drilling on the side.
- Should've had him neutered.
- I did.
Except I used an attorney,
instead of a doctor.
Lending a helping hand.
Thank you, chappies.
- Oh, what's the matter?
- Ah.
- Are you all right?
- Old football injury.
- College?
- No, professional.
The Jets blew a 30-point lead and I tried
to throw my TV set out the window.
- You're in pain. I'll get help.
- No.
What are you doing?
I wanna hear about
your ex-husband.
What?
What seems to be the trouble?
His back went out,
and I think he needs some help.
Would you help me get him
on a deck chair?
God bless you, sir,
whosoever you may be.
Go in this direction...
What are you doing?
I have to get the wind from the east.
Now, fortunately, I'm a retired doctor.
Aren't we lucky?
And chiropractics is my specialty.
Are you his wife?
- Oh. I'm his friend.
- Just a friend. Tell me where the pain is.
- It's okay. It's better now.
- We need a little adjustment.
- I don't need an adjustment.
- Uh-huh.
- A problem in the lumbar region.
- My lumbar is all right.
Don't worry about that leg.
Can you feel anything?
- That should relieve some tension.
- What the hell are you doing?
Just breathe normally.
Move your arm.
- Ah! Ah!
- I haven't done anything yet.
- Do you feel better, my friend?
- I'm gonna get you...
What, a present? Don't be silly?
Just to lighten the suffering of my fellow
human beings is reward enough for me.
- Are you all right?
- Yeah. I'm fine.
Why don't you go.
I'll just rest up here a little while.
- I just can't leave you like this.
- Sure you can.
- You sure?
- Yeah. Go on.
I was gonna meet some friends
in the casino. I'll do that.
Besides, I like lying here on the couch.
It's the puppy dog in me.
I'll see you later.
See you later. Bye.
Must be "the puppy dog in me."
You are in over your head, kid.
- What's that mean?
- I saw the way you looked at her.
She's a beautiful woman with money.
How should I look at her?
- I think you care about her.
- Give me a break, will you?
Oh, boy. I'm gonna sue you
for malpractice.
I saved your ass, is what I did.
Gil, baby.
- I was wondering...
- Oh, shut up!
Tonight you will dance every dance.
You will be charming, attentive
and light of foot...
- ...and I will be watching.
- Yes, sir!
Have Dr. Johanson look at that eye,
Sullivan.
Herbie, we've been pals
for such a long time. Give me a break.
The answer is no.
If I don't dance, they'll throw me off
the ship.
I'll teach you how to swim,
not how to dance.
Herbie, please. Please, I beg you,
open up your heart.
Will you knock it off?
Open your heart to a sad,
frightened old man.
Oh...
Slow, slow, quick, quick.
Slow, slow, quick, quick.
There you go.
Slow... Slow, slow, quick, quick.
You're very much like a crane.
Slow, slow, quick, quick. Go ahead.
Slow, slow, quick... Oh, God.
Okay, try it left, right...
...together.
Uh-huh. Bingo. Left...
...right, together.
Very strange. Okay, this is
the grapevine.
Cross, behind, together.
Slow, slow, quick, quick.
One, two, three, cha-cha.
One, two, three, cha-cha.
One, two, three, cha-cha.
One, two, three, cha-cha.
One, two, three, cha-cha.
One...
Okay, now wait a minute. Here we...
Let's try...
One, two, three, cha-cha.
One, two, three, cha-cha.
One, two... That's very...
What the hell is that?
Guys do this all the time on the streets,
and people throw money at them.
You're not getting a nickel out of me.
Wait a minute. This is wrong.
You're leading.
I'm supposed to lead. I'm a man.
- Kiss me.
- All right, you lead.
Gentlemen, the...
No. No, no, no.
- See, he's...
- It's my first time.
- Oh.
- Dancing, that is.
See, yeah, we're just friends, you know.
Good pals. Buddies.
- Yes, of course.
- Don't ask, don't tell.
- Is that a waiter's jacket?
- How can you tell?
You've got stains all over the sleeve
and parsley down your back.
- It fits like a pup tent.
- Are you kidding?
Good evening, gentlemen.
Time to face the music, eh, Charlie?
Let's face.
Once again, your host...
... the very talented Mr. Gil Godwyn.
Ladies and gentlemen, here we are,
under the stars...
...in the moonlight,
out on the open sea.
Let's get ready to rumba.
We're going to rumba.
He's demented.
Hey, you're on, champ.
Care to dance, madam?
Yes. Yes, I'd love to.
Don't slouch.
Have you been hosting for long?
This is my 23rd run, ma'am.
I started out giving ballroom
exhibitions.
Shorten your steps.
You're doing very well,
madam, but don't rush it.
You see, the rumba is more of a walk
than a dance.
Oh.
- Oh, shit.
- Beg your pardon?
Hit. This song was a big hit.
What does that have to do
with the rumba?
- Absolutely nothing.
- Oh.
You said walk.
It's a fast walk.
Ow!
Oh, God.
- What do you call this step?
- This is the Brazilian Creep.
In Brazil, of course, it's just called
"the Creep."
What are you doing?
Oh. Whoa...
- Oh!
- Ow!
- Oh, I'm so sorry. Sorry.
- No, it's our fault.
Excuse me.
Thank you.
Do you have any idea whom you've just
assaulted on the dance floor?
- Ms. Carruthers, I don't know what...
- I feel ravaged. Thank you.
I'm Ellen Carruthers.
Oh. You're the dame that owns
this little boat.
Excuse me, duty calls.
All over Honduras, you wouldn't believe
what happened.
- There were 40,000 people...
- So...
It's the broad that stole
our plane seats.
- That broad was an editor at Doubleday.
- Who cares?
- All I was was a clerk at Gimbels.
- And Secretariat was just a horse.
- Go on, ask her to dance.
- It's too late, Charlie.
There's no such thing as too late.
That's why they invented death.
Dance.
- His books were burned...
- You're kidding.
...by the Inquisition.
They were burned.
So now, the Aztecs will argue
that they invented the ladle.
But ancient drawings show
that the Mayans...
...were using a large perforated
scooping utensil.
Excuse me. I'm gonna go drop
the anchor on my toe.
- I'll go with you.
- You're leaving?
Anyway, what was important is when
I shone the light in the cave...
...there it was on the wall, the ladle,
which proved, beyond reasonable doubt...
Excuse me. I would really be very
honored if you would care to join me.
I've already danced this dance.
Yes, I was hoping you might want
to try it again.
You know, an archeologist in Reykjavik
claims the Incas did a form of the Hustle.
- What?
- You never heard of that?
You win.
Excuse us.
- You dance much better than you lie.
- Well, lying is new to me...
...but I've been dancing
most of my life.
Did you start dancing before
or after medical school?
You're a funny lady.
I'm also a very serious lady,
especially when I'm lied to.
Hey, I didn't lie to you. My friend did.
Well, you could have told me
the truth.
- Well, maybe I was afraid.
- Afraid of what?
Well, that you would laugh
or be disappointed.
- About what?
- I don't know.
- Well, tell me now.
- Tell you what?
Try the truth.
The truth is, I was just a clerk
at Gimbels for 35 years...
...till they damn went
out of business.
And I got roped into this stupid dance
host thing by that lunatic over there.
Just...
What happened?
- Wait a second.
- So I can make a fool of myself again?
I didn't think I'd ever kiss
anybody that way again.
Neither did I.
- I need to step outside.
- We are outside.
I knew that.
But won't you get in trouble, I mean...
...if someone should see us like this?
- They could throw me overboard.
- I'd miss you.
Yeah?
Why don't we watch the eclipse
together tomorrow.
- All right.
- We could go in separate buses...
...to Chichén Itzá and meet at a café.
- What café?
- It's a town. There must be a café.
I'll find it and you'll find me.
- It's been my pleasure, ma'am.
- Thank you very much.
Hey, Gil! I loved the number.
Thank you.
There are almost a dozen
in the fleet now.
Madam.
- Well, hello there.
- Hello. How do you do?
- Mr. Godwyn asked me to give you this.
- Oh, thank you.
Would you excuse me, please?
How charming you look tonight.
Oh, Mr. Godwyn.
Why aren't you dancing?
Because Mrs. Carruthers...
...asked me to give you a message.
- Really?
- Yes. I have a feeling, sir...
...that you're going to get that
promotion you've been looking for.
- Did she say that?
- She said she wants you in her room...
...ASPCA.
ASAP.
Her room? Now?
Her exact words were...
- I don't remember them offhand, but...
- Come on, man.
"If not sooner."
- Get on that dance floor.
- Yes, sir.
- Hi there.
- Yes.
- Gotta deliver Godwyn's shirts.
- You need the key?
I'm not gonna slip them under
the door. They'll get wrinkled.
- Ah. Hello, hello, hello.
- Oh, hello.
You sure made a fast recovery.
Nothing like being young.
Why do you look at me
as though I were trouble?
- I like trouble.
- I like you too.
- How about a game of poker?
- Okay. But I gotta warn you, Carswell...
...this time, I'm not tearing up
any of your checks.
I think you're a phony, Chuck.
- And I'm going to prove it.
- Oh, boy.
Nice to see you relaxing tonight,
Carswell.
- I beg your pardon.
- Take a hike. Hi.
- To what do I owe this pleasure?
- Two vodka stingers and I lost my key.
- Oh.
- How about you?
I work here.
You do? Uh... Do you do CPR?
How does it go?
It's open.
Mrs. Carruthers?
Ellen. A bit of bubbly?
Ace, queen bets.
I will check.
Check. Check.
I check.
I bet 20 grand.
Hmm...
Too rich for my blood.
I fold.
Hmm.
- How much you bet?
- Twenty thousand.
- Twenty thousand dollars.
- Right.
Call.
Oh!
- Sorry.
- Are you all right?
- Yes, of course I'm all right.
- Does anyone have a napkin?
Card in sleeve. He's a cheat.
- You were right.
- Pretty sloppy, Carswell.
I'm gonna overlook this...
- ...because you are an asshole.
- Monsieur Gordon is right.
You are an asshole.
I've never done anything
like this before.
- You'll have to leave the casino.
- Gentlemen, please believe me.
It doesn't matter what we believe,
does it, Carswell?
Tra-la.
All right. This hand is dead.
Everybody will get their money back.
Say we go someplace
quiet for a nightcap?
- "Someplace quiet."
- Yeah.
Right. Like your room, right?
- Wonderful suggestion.
- No.
No, that wasn't my suggestion.
- Here you go.
- Thank you.
Oh, this is a nice suite, Charlie.
Charlie, about your cologne.
- Oh, it's not cologne. It's after-shave.
- Oh.
You ever thought of growing a beard?
No, not really.
Charlie.
Oh, Charlie.
Good morning.
It should be another day
of calm seas and smooth sailing.
If you are in a hurry to meet
your shore tour for the eclipse...
... we feature an express
continental breakfast in the lido.
That's above and beyond
the call of duty.
Guy should make captain for that.
Oh... Oh, yes.
Oh.
Armor All?
I really had a good time last night.
I really enjoyed myself.
- I... I just...
- Shh.
You don't have to.
Oh. What happened to
the good-looking one?
This is the good-looking one, Ma.
See you later.
Race you around the ship, pal.
Bravo! Bravissimo! Bravo!
After a lifetime of wandering
through the deserts of humanity...
...I find in you my oasis.
That's terrible.
Doctors say I have only
a few more months.
Let's be married before one
more grain of sand flows...
...through the hourglass of mortality.
You barely know this woman.
Liz, I would be honored
if you took my last name...
...and put it on your bank account.
That's the one.
All passengers going ashore
to view the eclipse...
... please remember to wear
protective eyewear.
- The 1 -ounce bottle is beautiful.
- I'll take it.
Okay.
I finally figured it out,
seeing you in the gift shop.
Back at St. Vincent's, I was always
running into you in the gift shop.
St. Vincent...
Oh, my God! It's Nurse Collins.
I can't believe that
I didn't recognize you!
It's probably not one of
your better memories.
Oh, no. Come on.
Suzie was nuts about you.
- Feeling was mutual.
- Yeah.
You were a complete pain in the butt.
Yeah.
Listen, I've got exactly 20 minutes.
How about a cup of coffee?
Love it.
... to view the eclipse,
report to tender deck midship.
Even towards the end,
there were moments when...
When we both felt...
...that we weren't gonna
let this thing beat us.
Yeah. You guys were
one of those couples.
I remember on the last night.
There's so much medication...
...who knows whether
they understand...
...but I remember you leaning
right down next to her ear...
...telling her you'd be in love with her
always and forever.
She just had this...
I don't know.
It was like a light in her eyes.
You knew, she knew.
I shouldn't be saying this.
Oh, no, no. It's nice. Really.
It's fine.
- Weren't you going ashore?
- Huh?
- The eclipse. I don't wanna miss it.
- Yeah.
Listen.
It was great seeing you.
- You're really very, very nice.
- You too.
Thank you.
The last tender for shore
departs in five minutes.
Please remember that all passengers
must return to ship by 4:30.
Liz, life drifts away...
...like grains of sand
through an hourglass.
Charlie, I'm sorry. I just don't get
what you're trying to say to me.
- Liz.
- Yeah?
Even though we've only known
each other a short time...
That's true. It's been short.
Liz, after a lifetime...
...of going through
a desert of humanity...
Charlie. Charlie, Charlie, Charlie, look!
Look, look, Charlie.
It's happening, we're here to see it.
Even though... Will you listen
to me for a minute?
Even though we're like two ships
passing through the night...
Why don't we get married, Charlie.
Good idea.
Liz, will you marry me?
- Is that a yes?
- Yeah, it's a yes.
- Oh.
- I think we're missing it, sweetheart.
Always and forever, kiddo.
- Oh, no.
- Maybe he's in the john.
Mom?
- Hi! How'd it go?
- Great. We got it all on video.
Fine. I won't speak
for the rest of our marriage.
Mom, how are you?
I'm going home.
Then we're going with you.
No, it's your anniversary.
- Celebrate it.
- Mom. Really.
Don't.
I wanna take care of myself.
Do you understand?
I need to take care of myself.
How'd it go with Daddy Warbucks?
We're getting married.
Hot damn!
I knew we'd snag one of them.
Now, here's what we're gonna do:
We can plan it...
- What the hell's the matter with you?
- Nothing.
Hallelujah.
I'm telling you, Liz, we are in clover.
- What do you figure he's worth?
- I don't know. I don't care.
Well, I don't know...
...but I do care.
We have spent our last two dimes...
- ...on this highfalutin stateroom.
- Ma.
- I like him.
- Good for you.
He's so sweet...
...and he's a decent man.
- Terrific.
- And he makes me laugh.
You not only snagged
yourself a millionaire...
...you're gonna have laughs
into the bargain.
Yeah.
- The last tender for shore
departs in five minutes.
Please remember that all passengers
must return to ship by 4:30.
We will be raising the anchor at 5 p.m.
And setting sail for Cozumel.
Those passengers remaining onboard
are encouraged...
- He probably changed his mind.
- Oh, Mom.
- Hi, sweetheart.
- Hi.
Thank you.
Hello...
- ...Mother.
- Charlie, don't overshoot the runway.
I love family.
We better get going.
It's Mr. Gordon. Don't let this one
get away, now. He's a good one.
Mrs. Carruthers, Gil Godwyn,
this is Mavis and Liz LaDreche.
- LaBreche.
- LaBreche.
- Hi, Mavis.
- That's a familiar cologne, Mr. Gordon.
Thank you. You can pick it up anywhere.
I picked some up this morning
on my pillow.
This guy's hilarious.
Have you danced with Mr. Gordon?
- No, I'm looking forward to it.
- See you...
...with the rest of the dance hosts.
With the rest of the what?
He's always kidding around.
He thinks I should be a dance host.
I'm confused. You told me that
you were in mergers and acquisitions.
Well, he is.
His job is to acquire a partner
and merge with her on the dance floor.
Isn't that right, Gordon?
Liz, I was gonna mention this to you.
That would've been a good idea.
You see... Wait a minute, Liz.
Come back! Let me explain!
Where are you going, Mother?
I hate losers.
- Thanks a lot, pal.
- Gil.
- What happened?
- Where's your mother?
- She's not coming back onboard.
- She's going home.
- Where's my friend?
- Question of the day.
- What are you doing up here?
- Oh, hi.
Charlie, I'm...
I still love Suzie.
It seems to present a problem.
It's only a problem if you want it to be.
- Don't start with me, huh?
- Go on after Vivian. Go now.
- I hardly know her.
- You know her. You're crazy about her.
Question is, have you got
the balls to do anything?
- Well, I'm just not ready yet.
- Then get ready.
You're here, living, breathing.
You got a choice.
I can't do it.
Stop using Suzie as a safety net.
- Wait. Who are you to tell me...?
- She was my sister...
...before she was your wife. If she were
here, she'd tell you the same thing.
But she is not here now,
is she, Charlie? She's gone.
That's right, Herb. But you're not.
What am I doing here?
That's what I asked you
in the first place.
I am not authorized to give
that information.
I'm not authorized to throw
your ass overboard, but I will.
Now tell me where she is.
You better tell him.
This man's got a black belt in
some flung dung or one of them things.
Please.
All right, look. All I know is
we got a message she's flying home.
- She's flying?
- Yes.
- From where?
- I have no idea.
All right. Stop the car! Stop the car!
Stop the car! Stop... Stop the car.
Oh, my Lord.
Where in the...?
- Oh...
- I don't think you understand us.
We wanna go to the airport.
That thing?
- God.
- I get the luggage.
- No! Wait.
- Leave the luggage where it is.
Wait a minute. I see somebody.
Where?
Don't you move.
Stay right where you are!
Come on. Come on.
Come on. Excuse me,
but maybe you could help me.
This crazy cab driver's trying to tell
me that this is aeropuerto.
- Si.
- Oy-oy-oy.
I don't believe this.
All right, if this is the aeropuerto,
maybe you can show me a piloto!
- You're looking at him.
- Oh.
- What?
- You want a lift, sweetcakes?
God almighty.
Did you hear what he just called me?
Sure did.
- Come on.
- Are you crazy?
- What?
- This is dangerous.
What's the matter? Afraid to live?
Living is good.
It's dying I'm worried about.
Where are Gordon and Sullivan? Don't
give me that "code among comrades."
Sir, don't have the foggiest, sir.
Bollocks.
Pardon me. Pardon me.
This should be good.
- Five hundred.
- Are you out of your mind?
- That's too much money.
- That doesn't mean I ain't a good pilot.
- Has nothing to do with you being good.
- Look at this. It's J.F.K., all of a sudden.
I have an idea, Mama.
Just stay with me on it.
Good evening. I don't know you,
but this man over here says...
...he'll charge $500 to get to an airport.
Would you be interested in splitting it?
- Absolutely.
- You got a deal.
- You want to ride shotgun?
- Don't touch me.
- Get ready, kid.
- Where do we think we're going?
Oh, hi there.
We're just going scouting
for some icebergs.
You aren't going anywhere
except to your cabin...
- ...where you will stay.
- Listen, you sniveling little brownnose.
I have lived for 71 years.
I fought a war.
I buried my wife and I have survived
48 white sales at Gimbels.
If you think some fop like you is gonna
stop me, you got another thing coming.
How dare you speak to me that way.
- May I speak to you for a moment?
- No, you may not.
Way to go, Charlie!
I can't stop it, Charlie!
Hang on, Charlie!
Bon voyage, meathead!
I hope your boat capsizes
and you drown like bloody rats!
- Bye.
- When that old bag makes me VP...
...I'll see to it you never work another
cruise ship as long as you live!
Good evening, Ellen.
- What are you doing out here?
- You know...
...I find it hard to believe, but it
really is true. You are an asshole.
- I'm simply doing my job.
- Oh, you have no job.
You're fired. Mac...
...as of now, you are my new CD.
And what about me?
You're his friend.
- What?
- She's talking about...
...button that button, you little prick.
Prick.
You know what I don't see? Land.
It's there.
I see nothing but night.
I hope we don't get stranded.
You know, these are
shark-infested waters.
We're not gonna get stranded.
They say that the big ones
will swallow you whole.
Swallow my what?
You're not helping me, Charles.
- Here, let me do that.
- What makes you think you can do it?
- I'm taller.
- That has nothing to do with it.
It's in the wrist.
- You did it.
- We did it.
Yeah.
Well, it turns nicely.
Sit down, will you,
so I can see where I'm going.
- Are you from the cruise?
- Uh-huh.
I thought so.
Here he comes. Be careful!
- Evening, ladies. Welcome aboard.
- Oh, my God.
- And thank you for choosing Vaya Azul.
- Oh, my God.
Piece of shit!
Which of the Wright brothers
did you buy this from?
The one you dated in high school.
I feel so much better.
That's very reassuring.
We have a funny pilot.
- Hold it!
- What are you doing?
- I wanna get out of here, Ma.
- We're going! We're going!
- Stop!
- Take it easy, now. Oh, my Lord!
There!
A plane! There's a plane!
Is she in it?
I don't know. Do you see
a telescope attached to my head?
Come on, baby. Come on, let's go.
- Come on, baby.
- Ooh!
Come on.
- Wait!
- Wait, please. Hold it!
Stop! Please, stop!
Wait for us! Wait!
- It's Herbie and his friend!
- Wait, please. Wait.
Oh, God.
Hold it! Hold it!
Wait! Wait!
Wait a minute. Wait!
Down here!
- Hey! Hey!
- Come back!
She's not gonna hear a whistle,
for crying out loud. Hey!
Wait a minute. Wait a minute!
- What are you doing?
- You'll see.
What are you doing?
What are you gonna do,
shoot down the plane?
Oh, my God.
The flare!
See the flare?
- Now turn, for God's sake. See it?
- Turn around.
Come back!
Ensign Matowski.
- What?
- Herb.
Oh, my God. That can't be Charlie!
No way.
- Turn around.
- It's probably just...
- Turn? What is your problem?
- Just do it.
Turn! Yes. He's turning! Yes!
That's it. Way to go.
- Liz.
- Charlie.
- You're late.
- Yeah.
I had a little trouble getting started.
The plane was windy, you know.
- Yeah.
- Made my eyes water.
Yeah, it does that. Yeah. Look at that.
Liz.
From the first moment
I saw you on that ship...
...it was my intention to lie to you,
I swear.
That's sweet.
What I didn't intend
was falling in love with you.
Well, okay.
The deal is...
...that I'm as big a liar as you.
I highly doubt it.
I'm broke.
I'm sure you're exaggerating.
No, I'm not.
Not even a couple of
hundred thousand?
Not even.
Zip. Flat broke.
Sorry.
Door's open. It's not too late.
You can leave.
No, I don't wanna get out.
I don't wanna leave.
How long's all this gonna take?
Couple of gold diggers coming up empty.
That's terrific.
We still got the check from Carswell
for $ 18,000.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
I saw you...
You taped it?
- What do I look like? A schmuck?
- The jury's still out on that one.
Shut up, Ma. We're keeping him.
Thank you.
Fifty dollars apiece,
for picking up the two studs.
They ought to give you 50 bucks
for calling them studs.
Herbie, lend me 50 bucks,
will you? All I got is this check.
You're not getting a nickel
out of me, Charlie.
- Let me just say...
- Would you...?
You got any crack on you?
Instead... Instead of...
Instead of paying for this cruise...
Come with me.
See, we go to shmeer...
And then you call a...
Are you talking
about humpback whales?
I was talking about humping, actually.
Ah! Ah! Ah!
What hint? No, I just found us a couple
of chest butchers that'll whip it out.
- Where were you?
- Well...
A passenger requested an escort, sir.
- Indeed. A likely excuse.
- So I slipped her one in the lifeboat.
Oh, shit...
Oh, look who's here.
You better tell him.
This man's got a martial arts thing
in black belt shmeer.
So if you think that some snot nose
little fop like you is gonna stop me...
...then pinch me, Walter.
So if you think some snotty little fop
like you is gonna change me or...
...* * * * me up,
then I'll * * *k it up myself.
Even though we've known each other
for a short time...
...the moon is up your ass.
Keep looking at Dyan.
- Don't try to grab my thing.
- Oh, isn't that attractive?
I wouldn't hold my thing.
What about Walter's hand?
I really had a good time.
- I wanna tell you something.
- Tell me, tell me.
I have never had a better piece of ass.
Whoo-hoo!
Did I hear "cut"?
Dismissed.
Hare Krishna. Hare Krishna.
Hare Krishna. Hare Krishna.
Hare Krishna. Hare Krishna.
Hare Krishna. Hare Krishna.
Hare Krishna. Hare Krishna.
Hare Krishna. Hare Krishna.
Hare Krishna. Come on.
Hare Krishna. Hare Krishna.
Hare Krishna.
Keep it together. Hare Krishna.
Hare Krishna.
Hare Krishna. Hare Krishna.
Hare Kr... No.
A heartbreaking loss for Hare Krishna.
- Give me a 1-5-6, a 1-5-7, and a...
- Give me a break, will you?
You can't bet every horse.
It's cheating.
- Give me the tickets.
- We're gonna get shut out.
I've got a sure winner.
$ 10 across the board on number 2.
At 70-to-1?
Charlie, where's the money?
If I had the money, would I be betting
long shots?
Please, Edie, cover for me
this one time.
Okay, Charlie. You're down.
Thank you, sweetheart.
I love you very much.
A pretty good start.
The only one slow is High Button Shoes.
And High Button Shoes is last,
early on.
Swinging onto the back stretch,
it's Last Chance setting the pace.
High Button Shoes does begin
to pick it up.
High Button Shoes now joins the pack
as they swing onto the last stretch.
High Button Shoes.
High Button Shoes.
- High Button Shoes. High Button Shoes.
- High Button Shoes...
High Button Shoes.
High Button Shoes!
High Button Shoes.
High Button Shoes!
Come on, you schmuck! Move!
You got it, kid! You got it!
That's the way to do it!
High Button Shoes!
High Button Shoes!
You got it, baby!
High Button Shoes has won!
I love you too.
See you later, sweetheart.
Hi, how you doing?
Looks like you're having a big day, huh?
Mickey, my favorite bookie.
- How's business?
- I'll tell you, Charlie.
- I'm in a tough racket.
- Yeah. I know what you mean.
Well, I gotta see somebo...
Sometimes, I get this terrible feeling
like people are trying to avoid me.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
That's too bad. You should see
someone about that.
- I am seeing someone.
- Who?
- Where's my money, Charlie?
- Money?
Come on, I'm broke, Mickey. You'll be
the first to know when I get money...
Oh, my goodness.
Where did this come from?
I'll tell you what. I'll give you $500
and we'll call it even, all right?
I'll tell you what.
I'll take a grand,
and you still owe me three grand.
Three thousand.
Always and forever, kiddo.
Did you come to borrow money?
Let me just say...
Why do you assume the only reason
I come here is to borrow money?
Because every time you
come here, you borrow money.
Herbie, I'm gonna tell you something
you're not gonna believe.
I never believe anything
that you tell me.
Ho-ho-ho. Very funny.
No, it's very sad.
Not as sad as a man having dinner
with a photograph.
Come on. I'm celebrating.
It's my 45th wedding anniversary.
Very touching.
Except today isn't your anniversary.
Look, Suzie was my wife.
- I realize that, she was my sister.
- My ann...
- I was your best man, March 15, 1952.
- Correct.
Except today is the 16th.
- Impossible.
- Why? That's the way it works.
First, you get the 15th,
then after that is the 16th.
And then later on comes the 17th.
Here. Take a look at the date.
Sixteen...
God, I've blown my own anniversary.
I'm sorry, kiddo.
- There.
- What the hell...?
If you need clothes, the Salvation Army's
over on Fourth Street.
- These will be perfect.
- What are...? Perfect for what?
Will you do me a favor? I worked
in a department store for half of my life.
If you don't buy something,
you put it back.
Herbie...
- ...happy anniversary.
- That was yesterday.
Go ahead, open it.
"Mexico and the Yucatán. Witness
the spectacle of a rare solar eclipse...
...from the Mayan Pyramids."
- This is a cruise.
- Right.
- Deluxe accommodations, see?
- All right, where'd you get these?
Remember a guy named No-Neck?
Well, they finally busted him.
He gave me these in lieu of
cash he owed me.
Now, wait a minute.
Somebody owed you money?
How dumb do you think I am?
What are you gonna do? Stay cooped up
in this mausoleum you call home?
- You're still alive. Did anybody tell you?
- Look who's talking.
Damn right, "Look who's talking."
- Don't you get tired of being alone?
- No, the answer's no.
- Gourmet food, free drinks.
- No. No.
A bevy of pretty broads.
You're looking for a meaningful
relationship.
- Why not?
- You've never had one in your life.
I got news for you.
My life isn't over yet...
...which is why I suggest we get on
that ship and sip champagne...
...with some lonely, rich broads.
Who knows?
We may get lucky during the eclipse.
Charlie, hear me:
The answer is no.
Hold it. Hold it. Coming through.
Two customers.
Made it just in time.
- Herbie, come this way.
- It's the wrong section.
- This looks like our seats.
- Those are first-class.
What's the matter?
We're not first-class?
- But our boarding things say...
- I don't care what they say.
- Will you sit down?
- But wait.
- These could belong to somebody else.
- Relax, will you? The doors are closed.
We're not gonna be stopping
on 34th Street to pick up passengers.
Okay, Charlie.
Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Thank you very much.
- I may become a frequent flier.
- Damn good mimosa.
Yeah, here's to good living, kid.
Okay, okay. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Okay. Thank you very much. Okay, now
begins the first leg of our honeymoon.
Only a year late.
I'd like to make a small bet
on where they're gonna be sitting.
It's Mom. Say hi, Mom.
- Stop it, will you, Allan?
- And my beautiful bride.
Let me see here.
Excuse me. I believe
you're sitting in our seats.
- Yeah, that figures.
- I'm sorry.
That's all right, I'm sorry.
See what you do?
- May I see your boarding passes?
- Actually, it's my fault.
The doctor here thought it'd be best if
I weren't subjected to the stress...
- ...of economy class.
- Thirty-seven H and J.
You gentlemen will have to pay
for these drinks.
Maybe Blue Cross could cover it.
That's good.
That's very funny, ma'am. Very witty.
Hey.
Aren't those the seats they use
for transporting convicted felons?
Herbie, sit down.
You're scaring the kids.
We'll begin our nonstop
express service to Miami, Florida.
Our flight time will be
approximately five hours.
Welcome aboard
the beautiful M.S. Westerdam.
Your cabin stewards are happy to meet
any special needs you may have.
- Don 't hesitate to ask for assistance.
- Boy, oh, boy.
And please note, there will be a
compulsory lifeboat drill...
- ...today at 5:30 p.m.
- Mr. Lee, back again.
Nice to see you
and the lovely missus.
Oh, no, it's someone else, isn't it?
Hello.
I'd like you to meet my dance hosts.
Mac.
- Hello.
- Jonathan.
Come on.
Herbie, listen to me. I wanted to tell you
something before you...
- Herbie...
- Oh, wow.
Man, I tell you something.
When they say "deluxe accommodations,"
they mean deluxe.
Well, Herbie, "deluxe" can mean
several different things.
For example, in a diner,
"deluxe" means "comes with fries."
This is it. Oh, Ma!
This is gorgeous. What a suite.
- Oh. Hi.
- Hello, ladies.
I want those small pieces in the
bedroom. Who the hell are you?
Lizzy, get a load of slouchy here.
Does he come with the stateroom?
Mom, where's your hospitality?
Now, listen.
I have been on a plane for three hours.
I have been in a taxicab
for an hour-and-a-half.
I need to take a crap and a nap...
...and I do not need an audience.
Sounds like a party we can miss.
- We'll see you later, ladies.
- Bye, now.
Boy. Did you see
the chassis on that broad?
I'll bet she's worth a few mil.
This must be wrong. I mean, why would
they have us way down here?
I like it down here. Gives us a chance
to get away from the commotion up top.
Like the other passengers
and the view?
- This is us.
- Listen to me.
I've been meaning to tell you something.
Before you go into the room, listen.
- Cozy, isn't it?
- It's wha...? It's "cozy"?
A good fart will give you a concussion.
Needs a little daylight.
Herb, this is the best possible thing
that could've happened.
I can't wait to hear why.
- As dance hosts...
- What?
...it's actually our job to flirt
with all the classy broads.
What? Dance hosts?
Yeah, that's how I was able
to afford the tickets.
Instead of paying for the cruise,
I signed us up as dance hosts.
- The cruise is free.
- What do you mean, you idiot?
- We're working!
- We're not working.
We're dancing and cavorting.
You moron. You don't even know
how to dance.
That's why I brought you here.
- Perhaps we're interrupting you.
- Welcome aboard.
We share the bathroom. This is
Jonathan Deveraux. I'm Mac Vela.
USMC retired.
I'll be your liaison to the CD.
- The what D?
- Cruise director. Gil Godwyn?
Too bad you got Gil for your first gig.
He's a real prick.
- Control freak.
- Frigging Nazi.
- Classic megalomaniac.
- Not a nice man.
If you have any questions, feel free.
I got one question.
What's the fastest route off this ship?
Excuse me.
Hello.
Okay, chief. Pull the gangway in.
All visitors should now be ashore.
Last call, please.
All visitors should now be ashore.
Pardon me.
Oh!
Oh, my God.
- Sir, are you okay?
- Yeah, I think.
- There you go. You sure?
- Thank you, yeah.
- God, that's embarrassing.
- Only for you.
- Oh, my God!
- What?
The ship's moving.
- Ships are known to do that.
- But I need that gangplank.
Please! Hello! Major! Somebody!
I gotta use that sucker!
I've gotta... I've got... Hello!
Now, where the hell did they go
with my luggage?
God almighty.
Thank you very much.
What's the matter with you?
- Got a problem?
- Not really.
I always cry at sailings.
They're so romantic.
Oh, yeah.
Join your cruise staff by
the lido pool on the upper promenade...
... deck aft for the gala sail away...
Herbie, I know you're upset now,
but in a few days you'll be thanking me.
Listen, Charlie, what is in this for you?
Now tell me, and no shit,
because I'm too tired.
Okay, fine. Remember my old pal Tony?
Tony?
- Anthony Caldoni?
- Yeah.
Yeah, the mail-fraud guy.
First of all, those charges
were dropped.
- But guess what he's doing today.
- I don't give a rat's ass.
So happens, he's married to one
of the richest broads in Palm Beach.
And guess how they met.
One, two, cha-cha-cha.
- One, two...
- No way, José.
Wake me at the first port of call.
That's where I get off.
- I hate to see you do this.
- Why is that?
Because if you don't dance
you lose your employee status...
...and that means you gotta pay.
That's 2500 smackeroonies.
You son of a bitch! You're the one
who should be paying!
Would the dance hosts
please report to the main ballroom?
They're playing our song.
Very nice hair.
Right. Nails? Cut them. Let me.
Thank you. Excellent, Mac.
Jonathan, clip the ear hair.
- I beg your pardon?
- Ear hair.
I'm very skeptical of dance hosts
who can't keep time.
- Mister...?
- Me? Sullivan, Herb.
- And that's Gordon, Charles.
- Lovely.
Sorry we're late,
but it's a very big boat.
This boat happens to be
the flagship vessel...
...of the world's premier cruise line.
And I am the cruise director.
Sir. Yes, sir.
I've a feeling you're
going to be trouble.
- Oh...
- No, we're not. We're pussycats.
For your sake, I hope...
Is that cologne or Armor All?
That's close. Close, it's cologne,
but I bought it at a gas station.
I've got my eye on you.
You're not so bad yourself.
- All right.
- Fuck you.
We're 30 seconds from intros.
Now, remember that you are
the representatives of this ship...
...and will, at all times,
behave in a manner appropriate thereto.
You will be courteous and respectful
at all times, and when the music stops...
...you will escort your partner
back to her seat.
Above all, you will not fraternize
privately with the guests at any time.
If you do, it's grounds
for immediate dismissal.
- Permission to speak, sir?
- Denied. Mac, mike.
- Who's Mac Mike?
- I don't know.
Oh, yes.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the M.S. Westerdam proudly presents...
...your cruise director...
...the very talented Mr. Gil Godwyn!
Thank you!
Can't believe it.
He actually opens for himself.
Thank you so very much.
Aren't they absolutely marvelous?
Thank you. Thank you.
- Very good. Very good.
- Thank you.
- Good. Very good.
- Magnificent.
Moving experience.
Thank you so much.
You're too kind, really.
Thank you, girls.
What could his parents
have possibly done to him?
Now, ladies and gentlemen,
I'd like to introduce our dance hosts.
Mac.
Jonathan. Bill.
How do you like him?
- He's too short.
- Oh.
- Julio. Bobby.
- Oh me, me!
Scott. Herb.
And Ch... Cha... Ch... Charlie!
Hey, Charlie.
Charlie.
- That guy Herb is cute.
- Uh-huh.
Let's get them while they're hot.
Just an expression.
Just like the beach at Normandy.
Gentlemen, I didn't hire you
to be wallflowers.
I don't want anyone on my ship
ever to feel ignored.
Mrs. Carruthers,
may I have the great pleasure?
Kiss-ass.
Take it, fellas.
- I'm Mac. Welcome aboard.
- Thank you, Mac.
Where are you going?
Taking on a lot of water
in the forward compartment, sir.
God. You have two minutes. Go.
Any time you're ready, Herb.
Silly old me. I do expect my dance hosts
to actually dance.
Of course. It's just that
I don't know if I'm up to...
I'll tell you the truth, Gil.
I lost my wife not too long ago.
Oh, good. Tell it to the ladies.
They eat it up.
Do I take a number,
or may I serve myself?
Yeah, but I'm kind of new at this.
Well, you can dance, can't you?
Oh.
You can dance.
Oh.
- I sure hope these pins hold.
- What pins?
Nothing serious. They just keep
my legs attached to my hips.
- Ever seen so much food in your life?
- Spectacular.
I was a size 4 when I got on this ship.
Excuse me for butting in,
but don't I know you from someplace?
- I don't know, not...
- Pardon me.
- Um...
- Uh...
Bravo.
Thank you very much.
- Is there a seat open there?
- Yes, of course.
- Sure. Pull up a chair.
- Here we go.
- Looks like it's your lucky night, kid.
- It is that, it is.
Luck had absolutely nothing
to do with it.
She played that hand splendidly.
Absolutely splendidly.
Why, thank you.
It's okay. You can drop
the accent now.
You want a refill on this, kid?
Oh, thanks.
Name's Charlie Gordon.
I'm single and I'm looking.
Liz LaBreche. I'm single
and I ain't looking, but thanks.
You're welcome.
They call me Gordo on the street.
- What street is that, Gordo?
- Wall Street. Ever hear of it?
What exactly do you do
on Wall Street?
Well, I have a small hot-dog stand.
When things go badly over there,
I'm in the mergers and acquisitions game.
The buy-in's $ 1000.
A thousand dollars. That reminds me
of my first year at college.
Where exactly did you
go to college, Gordo?
That's a little place called F.U.
- Your name, sir, is...?
- Carswell.
Now, boys, let's not have
a pissing match here.
Let's play cards.
Yes, we're here to play poker
if you can raise the $ 1000.
Thousand doll... May I have that deck,
please? I'll give it right back.
Just wanna take a look...
I'll bet you $5000, even money,
top card's a picture.
- Even money?
- Yes, sir.
- You've got yourself a bet.
- Okay. Turn it over.
You owe me $5000.
That was a lot of fun.
Tell you what. Let's go again for 10.
You don't have to.
If you wanna quit now, it's okay.
I'll give you the five grand.
- Let's make it 20.
- Yes. Yes, I like that.
Now we're having some fun.
Twenty?
You wanna bet $20,000 the top card
is not a picture? You got a deal.
Okay, boy.
Twenty thousand dollars. Turn it over.
Turn it over, please.
That's very interesting.
Boy, is that interesting.
Wanna double it again?
Yes.
Enough of this child's play.
I owe you $ 15,000.
- Let's play poker.
- Okay.
Here we go. That's a lot of fun.
- I'm gonna get a brownie.
- A brownie, yeah.
Sorry.
We'll have to call the Guinness Book
about your friend Charlie.
Now what?
He's taking the longest piss
in recorded freaking history.
Oh.
There's a lady at table 16
who's arrived late.
- I suggest you welcome her.
- Okay, where's table 16?
Over there.
What a lovely room.
Oh, that lady...
- Hi there. Excuse me.
- Nice to see you're still onboard.
Thank you. I just wondered
if you'd care to dance.
Actually, I've seen you move.
How do I know you won't trip...
- ...and drag me overboard?
- You don't.
But I swim even better than I dance.
- Go for it, Mom.
- I promise I won't bite.
Here goes nothing.
I haven't danced in a long time.
Slow, slow, quick, quick.
Slow, slow, quick, quick.
Slow, slow, quick, quick.
Don't look down. Look at me.
Honey, tell me I did the right thing
by bringing Mom along.
You did the right thing.
Now let's go sneak inside
one of those lifeboats.
You and whoever you used to dance
with must have been great together.
Now, promenade.
Yeah, that would be Suzie and me.
We danced all night at our wedding, and
it's like we never stopped for 46 years.
- What a lovely image.
- Well, thank you.
Now tell me all about you. Everything.
- Everything?
- Sure.
It's only a 10-day cruise.
Yeah, well, give me the
Reader's Digest version, you know?
Okay.
- I live in New York.
- Yeah.
- I was a book editor at Doubleday.
- Ooh.
- Mother of two.
- Uh-huh.
Recent widow of one...
...and I was shanghaied here
by newlyweds.
- Oh.
- The bride is my daughter.
- Oh, I'm sure that she meant well.
- I'm sure.
Are you having any fun?
- I don't know yet.
- Oh. What do you know?
Thank you, thank you.
- That was fun.
- Yeah.
Doctor...?
- Oh. Sullivan. Call me Herb.
- Vivian.
I could use a little fresh air.
Join me?
- Well, I'd love to...
- I promise I won't bite.
You know something? I'm going along
with you, in case you change your mind.
Are you getting enough zeros in there?
Eighteen thousand.
Thank you.
Enjoying the company
of a stunning lady...
...is all I wish to take away
from this table, sir.
Mere confetti.
Confetti, sir.
Excuse me.
I once heard that
if a whale loses its mate...
...it never takes another.
Do you suppose that
could really happen?
I mean, I haven't spoken to
a lot of whales lately...
...but hell, if it was perfect
the first time, then...
My feelings... My feelings exactly.
Better not fall on our heads.
No. That's 50-gauge cable.
Hell, that could hold a couple of
elephants playing patty-cake.
Either you know your elephants,
or you know your cable.
- I was a swabbie. Pacific area.
- Really?
Yeah.
- You ever have to get in one of those?
- No, ma'am. Thank God.
Matowski did, though.
- Who?
- Ensign Myron Matowski.
See, he was nuts about this Filipino girl,
and her parents objected.
They put her in a boat
to send her to another island.
Matowski hijacks one
of these lifeboats...
...gets in there. Out he goes.
Sends up a flare.
He damn near started a naval battle.
- She see the flare?
- You kidding?
Last I heard, they were working
on their sixth grandchild...
...and she had her own brand
of applesauce.
So tell me.
How does a swabbie
become a doctor?
A what?
Yeah. I wanted to explain that to you.
- Oh, you don't have to explain.
- No, I wanted to explain.
Well, would you like to walk me
to my cabin?
Yeah, I would, but I ca... I can't.
- I can take a hint.
- No, what hint?
I promised a couple of chest butchers
that I'd have a brandy with them.
Right.
Chest butchers?
What the hell kind of a moron
are you?
Now, why would you go
and do something like that?
To impress you.
Oh. Oh, well, keep it up.
This might work.
Mr. Gordon.
What you do, like samurai.
Great style.
You have most terrible accent.
Where you learn Japanese?
- Okinawa.
- Oh.
It's a small sushi joint
on the Sunset Strip.
Where were you?
- A passenger requested an escort, sir.
- Fraternizing.
Nobody fratted anybody.
All we did was... Oh, my God.
Coming through, please.
Injured man here. Injury.
If it isn't the phantom
of the ballroom.
I ought to sue you guys.
Everything around here is so
slippery and wet.
- It's an ocean liner.
- I may never dance again.
Again... I haven't seen you dance yet.
Fortunately for you,
I found the infirmary.
The infirmary is closed at this hour.
- That's what I found out.
- Look...
Let me... Let me speak candidly,
gentlemen.
I'm this close to a promotion that would
make me vice president of entertainment.
Wow.
I intend to get that job
by showing how well...
...I can keep two old dickheads
like you in line.
- Oh, now listen.
- No, you listen.
Don't mess with me.
I'm your worst nightmare.
A song and dance man
raised on a military base.
Dismissed.
You seem to be annoyed with me,
Herbie.
Tell me if I'm wrong.
And what's this about you
leaving the dance floor?
None of your business.
None of my business.
How do you like that?
- Why are you sterilizing your trousers?
- I'm steaming them.
What are you gonna do?
Eat them with garlic butter?
It takes the wrinkles out,
you imbecile.
A man is steaming his pants at midnight,
it generally means there's a broad.
No broad.
Well, that's too bad because I got
one lined up. Rich, Texas-rich...
...with an ass so beautiful it's a shame
she has to sit down on it.
Will you do me a favor
and knock that stuff off?
I'm sorry. I forgot you were cooking.
Now that you got this girl,
when will she find out you're not...
...who she thought you were?
- By then she'll be in love.
- In love with a lie.
- Nobody's perfect.
I think a man should tell a woman
the truth before she falls in love.
- Otherwise, how do you know it's real?
- What's real is if I play my cards right...
...I'll wind up on easy street.
Once I'm there,
I'm inviting you over every Sunday.
- I don't want anything to do with this.
- Okay, then don't come over.
- She thinks I'm a doctor.
- Who?
Nobody.
You met a broad.
You're crazy. Years of insanity
have made you crazy.
- Do I look crippled or not.
- Yeah, you look crippled, up here.
Oh, cut it out.
Most of you will work
the dance class from 10 to 11...
...and the wine and cheese tasting
from 12 to 1.
Please use moderation.
The last thing I need is flatulating hosts
staggering about the ship.
I bet his father was cruise director
on the Bismarck.
Think of yourselves as butterflies,
gentlemen...
...and our guests as flowers.
You job is to pollinate the flowers
with hospitality.
This guy's been at sea too long.
And if you screw up, I am personally
going to see to it...
...that you are removed from the ship
and charged the full passage...
...of $5462.51,
as indicated in your contracts.
What the hell is the...? Five thousand?
Five thousand? You told me 2000.
As for you, Mr. Gordon, Dr. Johanson
will see you at 1100 hours, sharp.
I don't think that's necessary, sir.
You see, the foot just needs a little rest.
You will remain off your injured foot...
...until Dr. Johanson says otherwise.
Are we clear?
- Yes, sir, clear. Extremely clear, sir.
- Brilliant.
Dismissed.
All passengers
disembarking at Playa del Carmen...
... please report
to tender deck, midship.
Those of you attending the festival
must board the fiesta bus at 4: 10.
Well, look who's here.
- Flowers. No. I'll bet they're for me.
- Who else would they be for?
Save it, Hoss.
- Come on in.
- Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Sure appreciate it.
You know, the first day you was in here
sniffing around like a yard dog...
- ...I knew you'd be back.
- Ma, for the love of Pete!
- Oh, who's Pete? My competition?
- That's right.
And guess who I'm rooting for.
Oh, Charlie.
Oh, it's so nice to see you.
Oh, yeah.
- Are these for me?
- No.
- No?
- Oh, yes.
Oh. They're just beautiful.
I didn't want to be too showy.
Oh, well. Yours are very tasteful.
- Thank you, Charlie.
- Thank you.
I have to get dressed.
Why don't you talk to Ma.
- Excuse me.
- Okay.
I want you to behave yourself,
Charlie.
You see, I saw the way you were staring
at my daughter's chest.
- Oh, I used to be a cardiologist.
- Really?
I'm almost ready. Charlie, would you
like to walk with me?
Oh, thank you.
- Ma, we'll see you later.
- Have fun.
I'll try to find a shot glass
for those flowers.
- She's darling, isn't she?
- That's Mom.
- There you are.
- Hello.
We must hurry. The bus is leaving
in 10 minutes.
- Hello there, sport.
- Hello.
Charlie, why don't you come
with us.
Oh, unfortunately,
I'm told that the tour is full.
That's...
About those flowers. Thank you. They're
beautiful. I love them. See you later?
- Have a good day, Gordo.
- Ta-ta.
There's something about
that man I don't like. Don't you agree?
That you don't like him?
I'd agree with that.
What, do they call this dancing?
I did this in line at the A&P.
Well, the view's right.
- I used to have an ass like that.
- Come on, guys. Pay attention.
- Would you mind standing back, please?
- Let me show you how it's done, okay?
Attention. Ship to shore call.
Mr. Cullen Carswell.
That's you. That sounds exciting.
- I'll try to wrap it up quickly.
- I'll go ahead and save you a seat.
All right. Ship to shore for Carswell.
Yes. It's an overseas call
from Mr. Donald Trump.
- He's calling from Zürich. It's urgent.
- There a phone with privacy?
Take it at the second booth,
on your right.
Thank you.
This is Cullen Carswell.
I'll take my call now.
- One moment, sir.
- Hello?
- Hello. Mr. Carswell? Hello?
- Who is this?
This is the international operator.
I have momentarily lost your congestion.
Please hold for Mr. Trump.
Yes. I'll hold, but please hurry.
- Are you holding, sir?
- Yes, yes, I'm holding.
- Is this Mr. Carsmell?
- Carswell.
Yeah, please hold. Don't go away.
Passengers traveling to the festival
must board the fiesta bus...
... at wharf 10 for immediate departure.
This it the last...
Hey.
I figured I'd see if there were any
no-shows. Where's your friend?
You just don't give up, do you?
Oh, look at those. Don't you just
love horses, Charlie?
- Only when they win.
- Ah!
You've never done any real gambling.
- For how much?
- Not money.
I'm talking about life. Gambling.
You've never been married,
have you?
- In what sense?
- I knew it. I knew it.
I'm waiting for my sexual prime.
And just when do you think
that's gonna happen?
In about 5 minutes.
That's it, get the hips going.
Get that Cuban motion going.
Ladies under. Very nice.
Good. Come back around.
- Mom, give me a break.
- Shelly, give me a break.
I danced with the man one time.
- You were glowing like Miss Arkansas.
- So I had fun.
Herb's a wonderful dancer, but he's
a doctor and you know I hate doctors.
- Now moving to the side.
Keep the hips going.
There's a class. Let's go join.
It'll be fun.
- Well...
- You love dancing.
Come on.
All right.
- That's it.
- You are getting so good.
Your turn, madame.
Good. Excellent.
Now try anything
that we practiced today. Okay.
Good job, everybody.
How about a wonderful hand
for our dance hosts?
It says that it's a festival
of sacrifice...
...to purge themselves of evil
before the eclipse.
- I'm excited. I've never seen an eclipse.
- Is that right?
- I've seen one once.
- Really?
Yeah, but I think the moon
got in the way.
Yes!
- Oh.
- Here we go. Here we go.
Look how happy they are
that we're here.
- What are you doing?
- I'm looking at this for a possible suit.
- What are you doing?
I wanna dance with my friends.
Come with me.
Come with me, con permiso.
- Watch out.
- You stay here. I'll be right back.
- I gotta see a man about a dog.
- Take your time.
Gil, I've been talking to the board
about hiring...
- ...a vice president of entertainment.
- Interesting.
Is there a way out of here
besides the door?
Oh, yes. Si, si, si. Down the drain.
Very funny, pal. Very funny.
Listen, pal, I need to borrow
your mask for a few minutes.
- Get lost, pops.
- Wait.
I'll let you have this genuine Rolex.
Please, mister.
This ain't a Rolex. It says "Romex."
You gonna make a federal case
out of one letter?
They don't make Romexes anymore.
- This is a collector's item.
- Beat it.
- Oh, don't be ridiculous.
I haven't had a chimichanga in years.
- Would you pardon me for one moment?
- What?
- Nature, you know. Sorry.
- Oh.
Pardon me. Pardon me.
You wanna buy a Rolex?
Coming through.
What's going on here?
Parrot coming through.
Parrot here. Parrot.
Gil!
Huh? Leave her alone for five seconds.
I'm getting a little dizzy.
Are you all right? Let me out of here.
Are you people insane?
What are you doing with the bull?
Holy...!
Oh, my God. I'm the parrot!
I see trouble.
Hey, señor. Hey, pal.
Gil, wait!
All right, mister. I've got you.
Oh, sorry. I thought you were...
Oh, my God.
- Let's go.
- Why are we going now?
Now's the time to loot the shops.
- Charlie, we're witnessing history.
- I've seen history. It stinks.
Stop! There's a fire there!
Can't you see?
My head's on fire! Help me!
Stop this cow instantly!
Well, hello.
Stuff works wonders for groin pain.
Cheers to you all.
I've dug all over Guatemala
and all over Honduras.
The whole culture is so interesting,
so fascinating...
- Vivian.
- Herb, what a lovely surprise.
I know what you're thinking.
- This is my new friend, Sebastian.
- Hello.
He just gave a lecture on the significance
of solar eclipses in Mayan mythology.
Mayan mythology will tell you
that an eclipse isn't an eclipse at all...
...but rather a birth or an unveiling,
if you will, of a new sun, or a new life...
Oh?
- And a dance host on the side.
- I tried to explain this...
Explain what? I think you did
your job very well.
- Who is he?
- I don't know.
- He looks familiar.
- Not to me.
My husband was in the oil business
with my dad.
Daddy trusted him.
I figured I could trust him.
- So, what happened?
- Well, as it turned out...
...there were a lot of test wells
he was drilling on the side.
- Should've had him neutered.
- I did.
Except I used an attorney,
instead of a doctor.
Lending a helping hand.
Thank you, chappies.
- Oh, what's the matter?
- Ah.
- Are you all right?
- Old football injury.
- College?
- No, professional.
The Jets blew a 30-point lead and I tried
to throw my TV set out the window.
- You're in pain. I'll get help.
- No.
What are you doing?
I wanna hear about
your ex-husband.
What?
What seems to be the trouble?
His back went out,
and I think he needs some help.
Would you help me get him
on a deck chair?
God bless you, sir,
whosoever you may be.
Go in this direction...
What are you doing?
I have to get the wind from the east.
Now, fortunately, I'm a retired doctor.
Aren't we lucky?
And chiropractics is my specialty.
Are you his wife?
- Oh. I'm his friend.
- Just a friend. Tell me where the pain is.
- It's okay. It's better now.
- We need a little adjustment.
- I don't need an adjustment.
- Uh-huh.
- A problem in the lumbar region.
- My lumbar is all right.
Don't worry about that leg.
Can you feel anything?
- That should relieve some tension.
- What the hell are you doing?
Just breathe normally.
Move your arm.
- Ah! Ah!
- I haven't done anything yet.
- Do you feel better, my friend?
- I'm gonna get you...
What, a present? Don't be silly?
Just to lighten the suffering of my fellow
human beings is reward enough for me.
- Are you all right?
- Yeah. I'm fine.
Why don't you go.
I'll just rest up here a little while.
- I just can't leave you like this.
- Sure you can.
- You sure?
- Yeah. Go on.
I was gonna meet some friends
in the casino. I'll do that.
Besides, I like lying here on the couch.
It's the puppy dog in me.
I'll see you later.
See you later. Bye.
Must be "the puppy dog in me."
You are in over your head, kid.
- What's that mean?
- I saw the way you looked at her.
She's a beautiful woman with money.
How should I look at her?
- I think you care about her.
- Give me a break, will you?
Oh, boy. I'm gonna sue you
for malpractice.
I saved your ass, is what I did.
Gil, baby.
- I was wondering...
- Oh, shut up!
Tonight you will dance every dance.
You will be charming, attentive
and light of foot...
- ...and I will be watching.
- Yes, sir!
Have Dr. Johanson look at that eye,
Sullivan.
Herbie, we've been pals
for such a long time. Give me a break.
The answer is no.
If I don't dance, they'll throw me off
the ship.
I'll teach you how to swim,
not how to dance.
Herbie, please. Please, I beg you,
open up your heart.
Will you knock it off?
Open your heart to a sad,
frightened old man.
Oh...
Slow, slow, quick, quick.
Slow, slow, quick, quick.
There you go.
Slow... Slow, slow, quick, quick.
You're very much like a crane.
Slow, slow, quick, quick. Go ahead.
Slow, slow, quick... Oh, God.
Okay, try it left, right...
...together.
Uh-huh. Bingo. Left...
...right, together.
Very strange. Okay, this is
the grapevine.
Cross, behind, together.
Slow, slow, quick, quick.
One, two, three, cha-cha.
One, two, three, cha-cha.
One, two, three, cha-cha.
One, two, three, cha-cha.
One, two, three, cha-cha.
One...
Okay, now wait a minute. Here we...
Let's try...
One, two, three, cha-cha.
One, two, three, cha-cha.
One, two... That's very...
What the hell is that?
Guys do this all the time on the streets,
and people throw money at them.
You're not getting a nickel out of me.
Wait a minute. This is wrong.
You're leading.
I'm supposed to lead. I'm a man.
- Kiss me.
- All right, you lead.
Gentlemen, the...
No. No, no, no.
- See, he's...
- It's my first time.
- Oh.
- Dancing, that is.
See, yeah, we're just friends, you know.
Good pals. Buddies.
- Yes, of course.
- Don't ask, don't tell.
- Is that a waiter's jacket?
- How can you tell?
You've got stains all over the sleeve
and parsley down your back.
- It fits like a pup tent.
- Are you kidding?
Good evening, gentlemen.
Time to face the music, eh, Charlie?
Let's face.
Once again, your host...
... the very talented Mr. Gil Godwyn.
Ladies and gentlemen, here we are,
under the stars...
...in the moonlight,
out on the open sea.
Let's get ready to rumba.
We're going to rumba.
He's demented.
Hey, you're on, champ.
Care to dance, madam?
Yes. Yes, I'd love to.
Don't slouch.
Have you been hosting for long?
This is my 23rd run, ma'am.
I started out giving ballroom
exhibitions.
Shorten your steps.
You're doing very well,
madam, but don't rush it.
You see, the rumba is more of a walk
than a dance.
Oh.
- Oh, shit.
- Beg your pardon?
Hit. This song was a big hit.
What does that have to do
with the rumba?
- Absolutely nothing.
- Oh.
You said walk.
It's a fast walk.
Ow!
Oh, God.
- What do you call this step?
- This is the Brazilian Creep.
In Brazil, of course, it's just called
"the Creep."
What are you doing?
Oh. Whoa...
- Oh!
- Ow!
- Oh, I'm so sorry. Sorry.
- No, it's our fault.
Excuse me.
Thank you.
Do you have any idea whom you've just
assaulted on the dance floor?
- Ms. Carruthers, I don't know what...
- I feel ravaged. Thank you.
I'm Ellen Carruthers.
Oh. You're the dame that owns
this little boat.
Excuse me, duty calls.
All over Honduras, you wouldn't believe
what happened.
- There were 40,000 people...
- So...
It's the broad that stole
our plane seats.
- That broad was an editor at Doubleday.
- Who cares?
- All I was was a clerk at Gimbels.
- And Secretariat was just a horse.
- Go on, ask her to dance.
- It's too late, Charlie.
There's no such thing as too late.
That's why they invented death.
Dance.
- His books were burned...
- You're kidding.
...by the Inquisition.
They were burned.
So now, the Aztecs will argue
that they invented the ladle.
But ancient drawings show
that the Mayans...
...were using a large perforated
scooping utensil.
Excuse me. I'm gonna go drop
the anchor on my toe.
- I'll go with you.
- You're leaving?
Anyway, what was important is when
I shone the light in the cave...
...there it was on the wall, the ladle,
which proved, beyond reasonable doubt...
Excuse me. I would really be very
honored if you would care to join me.
I've already danced this dance.
Yes, I was hoping you might want
to try it again.
You know, an archeologist in Reykjavik
claims the Incas did a form of the Hustle.
- What?
- You never heard of that?
You win.
Excuse us.
- You dance much better than you lie.
- Well, lying is new to me...
...but I've been dancing
most of my life.
Did you start dancing before
or after medical school?
You're a funny lady.
I'm also a very serious lady,
especially when I'm lied to.
Hey, I didn't lie to you. My friend did.
Well, you could have told me
the truth.
- Well, maybe I was afraid.
- Afraid of what?
Well, that you would laugh
or be disappointed.
- About what?
- I don't know.
- Well, tell me now.
- Tell you what?
Try the truth.
The truth is, I was just a clerk
at Gimbels for 35 years...
...till they damn went
out of business.
And I got roped into this stupid dance
host thing by that lunatic over there.
Just...
What happened?
- Wait a second.
- So I can make a fool of myself again?
I didn't think I'd ever kiss
anybody that way again.
Neither did I.
- I need to step outside.
- We are outside.
I knew that.
But won't you get in trouble, I mean...
...if someone should see us like this?
- They could throw me overboard.
- I'd miss you.
Yeah?
Why don't we watch the eclipse
together tomorrow.
- All right.
- We could go in separate buses...
...to Chichén Itzá and meet at a café.
- What café?
- It's a town. There must be a café.
I'll find it and you'll find me.
- It's been my pleasure, ma'am.
- Thank you very much.
Hey, Gil! I loved the number.
Thank you.
There are almost a dozen
in the fleet now.
Madam.
- Well, hello there.
- Hello. How do you do?
- Mr. Godwyn asked me to give you this.
- Oh, thank you.
Would you excuse me, please?
How charming you look tonight.
Oh, Mr. Godwyn.
Why aren't you dancing?
Because Mrs. Carruthers...
...asked me to give you a message.
- Really?
- Yes. I have a feeling, sir...
...that you're going to get that
promotion you've been looking for.
- Did she say that?
- She said she wants you in her room...
...ASPCA.
ASAP.
Her room? Now?
Her exact words were...
- I don't remember them offhand, but...
- Come on, man.
"If not sooner."
- Get on that dance floor.
- Yes, sir.
- Hi there.
- Yes.
- Gotta deliver Godwyn's shirts.
- You need the key?
I'm not gonna slip them under
the door. They'll get wrinkled.
- Ah. Hello, hello, hello.
- Oh, hello.
You sure made a fast recovery.
Nothing like being young.
Why do you look at me
as though I were trouble?
- I like trouble.
- I like you too.
- How about a game of poker?
- Okay. But I gotta warn you, Carswell...
...this time, I'm not tearing up
any of your checks.
I think you're a phony, Chuck.
- And I'm going to prove it.
- Oh, boy.
Nice to see you relaxing tonight,
Carswell.
- I beg your pardon.
- Take a hike. Hi.
- To what do I owe this pleasure?
- Two vodka stingers and I lost my key.
- Oh.
- How about you?
I work here.
You do? Uh... Do you do CPR?
How does it go?
It's open.
Mrs. Carruthers?
Ellen. A bit of bubbly?
Ace, queen bets.
I will check.
Check. Check.
I check.
I bet 20 grand.
Hmm...
Too rich for my blood.
I fold.
Hmm.
- How much you bet?
- Twenty thousand.
- Twenty thousand dollars.
- Right.
Call.
Oh!
- Sorry.
- Are you all right?
- Yes, of course I'm all right.
- Does anyone have a napkin?
Card in sleeve. He's a cheat.
- You were right.
- Pretty sloppy, Carswell.
I'm gonna overlook this...
- ...because you are an asshole.
- Monsieur Gordon is right.
You are an asshole.
I've never done anything
like this before.
- You'll have to leave the casino.
- Gentlemen, please believe me.
It doesn't matter what we believe,
does it, Carswell?
Tra-la.
All right. This hand is dead.
Everybody will get their money back.
Say we go someplace
quiet for a nightcap?
- "Someplace quiet."
- Yeah.
Right. Like your room, right?
- Wonderful suggestion.
- No.
No, that wasn't my suggestion.
- Here you go.
- Thank you.
Oh, this is a nice suite, Charlie.
Charlie, about your cologne.
- Oh, it's not cologne. It's after-shave.
- Oh.
You ever thought of growing a beard?
No, not really.
Charlie.
Oh, Charlie.
Good morning.
It should be another day
of calm seas and smooth sailing.
If you are in a hurry to meet
your shore tour for the eclipse...
... we feature an express
continental breakfast in the lido.
That's above and beyond
the call of duty.
Guy should make captain for that.
Oh... Oh, yes.
Oh.
Armor All?
I really had a good time last night.
I really enjoyed myself.
- I... I just...
- Shh.
You don't have to.
Oh. What happened to
the good-looking one?
This is the good-looking one, Ma.
See you later.
Race you around the ship, pal.
Bravo! Bravissimo! Bravo!
After a lifetime of wandering
through the deserts of humanity...
...I find in you my oasis.
That's terrible.
Doctors say I have only
a few more months.
Let's be married before one
more grain of sand flows...
...through the hourglass of mortality.
You barely know this woman.
Liz, I would be honored
if you took my last name...
...and put it on your bank account.
That's the one.
All passengers going ashore
to view the eclipse...
... please remember to wear
protective eyewear.
- The 1 -ounce bottle is beautiful.
- I'll take it.
Okay.
I finally figured it out,
seeing you in the gift shop.
Back at St. Vincent's, I was always
running into you in the gift shop.
St. Vincent...
Oh, my God! It's Nurse Collins.
I can't believe that
I didn't recognize you!
It's probably not one of
your better memories.
Oh, no. Come on.
Suzie was nuts about you.
- Feeling was mutual.
- Yeah.
You were a complete pain in the butt.
Yeah.
Listen, I've got exactly 20 minutes.
How about a cup of coffee?
Love it.
... to view the eclipse,
report to tender deck midship.
Even towards the end,
there were moments when...
When we both felt...
...that we weren't gonna
let this thing beat us.
Yeah. You guys were
one of those couples.
I remember on the last night.
There's so much medication...
...who knows whether
they understand...
...but I remember you leaning
right down next to her ear...
...telling her you'd be in love with her
always and forever.
She just had this...
I don't know.
It was like a light in her eyes.
You knew, she knew.
I shouldn't be saying this.
Oh, no, no. It's nice. Really.
It's fine.
- Weren't you going ashore?
- Huh?
- The eclipse. I don't wanna miss it.
- Yeah.
Listen.
It was great seeing you.
- You're really very, very nice.
- You too.
Thank you.
The last tender for shore
departs in five minutes.
Please remember that all passengers
must return to ship by 4:30.
Liz, life drifts away...
...like grains of sand
through an hourglass.
Charlie, I'm sorry. I just don't get
what you're trying to say to me.
- Liz.
- Yeah?
Even though we've only known
each other a short time...
That's true. It's been short.
Liz, after a lifetime...
...of going through
a desert of humanity...
Charlie. Charlie, Charlie, Charlie, look!
Look, look, Charlie.
It's happening, we're here to see it.
Even though... Will you listen
to me for a minute?
Even though we're like two ships
passing through the night...
Why don't we get married, Charlie.
Good idea.
Liz, will you marry me?
- Is that a yes?
- Yeah, it's a yes.
- Oh.
- I think we're missing it, sweetheart.
Always and forever, kiddo.
- Oh, no.
- Maybe he's in the john.
Mom?
- Hi! How'd it go?
- Great. We got it all on video.
Fine. I won't speak
for the rest of our marriage.
Mom, how are you?
I'm going home.
Then we're going with you.
No, it's your anniversary.
- Celebrate it.
- Mom. Really.
Don't.
I wanna take care of myself.
Do you understand?
I need to take care of myself.
How'd it go with Daddy Warbucks?
We're getting married.
Hot damn!
I knew we'd snag one of them.
Now, here's what we're gonna do:
We can plan it...
- What the hell's the matter with you?
- Nothing.
Hallelujah.
I'm telling you, Liz, we are in clover.
- What do you figure he's worth?
- I don't know. I don't care.
Well, I don't know...
...but I do care.
We have spent our last two dimes...
- ...on this highfalutin stateroom.
- Ma.
- I like him.
- Good for you.
He's so sweet...
...and he's a decent man.
- Terrific.
- And he makes me laugh.
You not only snagged
yourself a millionaire...
...you're gonna have laughs
into the bargain.
Yeah.
- The last tender for shore
departs in five minutes.
Please remember that all passengers
must return to ship by 4:30.
We will be raising the anchor at 5 p.m.
And setting sail for Cozumel.
Those passengers remaining onboard
are encouraged...
- He probably changed his mind.
- Oh, Mom.
- Hi, sweetheart.
- Hi.
Thank you.
Hello...
- ...Mother.
- Charlie, don't overshoot the runway.
I love family.
We better get going.
It's Mr. Gordon. Don't let this one
get away, now. He's a good one.
Mrs. Carruthers, Gil Godwyn,
this is Mavis and Liz LaDreche.
- LaBreche.
- LaBreche.
- Hi, Mavis.
- That's a familiar cologne, Mr. Gordon.
Thank you. You can pick it up anywhere.
I picked some up this morning
on my pillow.
This guy's hilarious.
Have you danced with Mr. Gordon?
- No, I'm looking forward to it.
- See you...
...with the rest of the dance hosts.
With the rest of the what?
He's always kidding around.
He thinks I should be a dance host.
I'm confused. You told me that
you were in mergers and acquisitions.
Well, he is.
His job is to acquire a partner
and merge with her on the dance floor.
Isn't that right, Gordon?
Liz, I was gonna mention this to you.
That would've been a good idea.
You see... Wait a minute, Liz.
Come back! Let me explain!
Where are you going, Mother?
I hate losers.
- Thanks a lot, pal.
- Gil.
- What happened?
- Where's your mother?
- She's not coming back onboard.
- She's going home.
- Where's my friend?
- Question of the day.
- What are you doing up here?
- Oh, hi.
Charlie, I'm...
I still love Suzie.
It seems to present a problem.
It's only a problem if you want it to be.
- Don't start with me, huh?
- Go on after Vivian. Go now.
- I hardly know her.
- You know her. You're crazy about her.
Question is, have you got
the balls to do anything?
- Well, I'm just not ready yet.
- Then get ready.
You're here, living, breathing.
You got a choice.
I can't do it.
Stop using Suzie as a safety net.
- Wait. Who are you to tell me...?
- She was my sister...
...before she was your wife. If she were
here, she'd tell you the same thing.
But she is not here now,
is she, Charlie? She's gone.
That's right, Herb. But you're not.
What am I doing here?
That's what I asked you
in the first place.
I am not authorized to give
that information.
I'm not authorized to throw
your ass overboard, but I will.
Now tell me where she is.
You better tell him.
This man's got a black belt in
some flung dung or one of them things.
Please.
All right, look. All I know is
we got a message she's flying home.
- She's flying?
- Yes.
- From where?
- I have no idea.
All right. Stop the car! Stop the car!
Stop the car! Stop... Stop the car.
Oh, my Lord.
Where in the...?
- Oh...
- I don't think you understand us.
We wanna go to the airport.
That thing?
- God.
- I get the luggage.
- No! Wait.
- Leave the luggage where it is.
Wait a minute. I see somebody.
Where?
Don't you move.
Stay right where you are!
Come on. Come on.
Come on. Excuse me,
but maybe you could help me.
This crazy cab driver's trying to tell
me that this is aeropuerto.
- Si.
- Oy-oy-oy.
I don't believe this.
All right, if this is the aeropuerto,
maybe you can show me a piloto!
- You're looking at him.
- Oh.
- What?
- You want a lift, sweetcakes?
God almighty.
Did you hear what he just called me?
Sure did.
- Come on.
- Are you crazy?
- What?
- This is dangerous.
What's the matter? Afraid to live?
Living is good.
It's dying I'm worried about.
Where are Gordon and Sullivan? Don't
give me that "code among comrades."
Sir, don't have the foggiest, sir.
Bollocks.
Pardon me. Pardon me.
This should be good.
- Five hundred.
- Are you out of your mind?
- That's too much money.
- That doesn't mean I ain't a good pilot.
- Has nothing to do with you being good.
- Look at this. It's J.F.K., all of a sudden.
I have an idea, Mama.
Just stay with me on it.
Good evening. I don't know you,
but this man over here says...
...he'll charge $500 to get to an airport.
Would you be interested in splitting it?
- Absolutely.
- You got a deal.
- You want to ride shotgun?
- Don't touch me.
- Get ready, kid.
- Where do we think we're going?
Oh, hi there.
We're just going scouting
for some icebergs.
You aren't going anywhere
except to your cabin...
- ...where you will stay.
- Listen, you sniveling little brownnose.
I have lived for 71 years.
I fought a war.
I buried my wife and I have survived
48 white sales at Gimbels.
If you think some fop like you is gonna
stop me, you got another thing coming.
How dare you speak to me that way.
- May I speak to you for a moment?
- No, you may not.
Way to go, Charlie!
I can't stop it, Charlie!
Hang on, Charlie!
Bon voyage, meathead!
I hope your boat capsizes
and you drown like bloody rats!
- Bye.
- When that old bag makes me VP...
...I'll see to it you never work another
cruise ship as long as you live!
Good evening, Ellen.
- What are you doing out here?
- You know...
...I find it hard to believe, but it
really is true. You are an asshole.
- I'm simply doing my job.
- Oh, you have no job.
You're fired. Mac...
...as of now, you are my new CD.
And what about me?
You're his friend.
- What?
- She's talking about...
...button that button, you little prick.
Prick.
You know what I don't see? Land.
It's there.
I see nothing but night.
I hope we don't get stranded.
You know, these are
shark-infested waters.
We're not gonna get stranded.
They say that the big ones
will swallow you whole.
Swallow my what?
You're not helping me, Charles.
- Here, let me do that.
- What makes you think you can do it?
- I'm taller.
- That has nothing to do with it.
It's in the wrist.
- You did it.
- We did it.
Yeah.
Well, it turns nicely.
Sit down, will you,
so I can see where I'm going.
- Are you from the cruise?
- Uh-huh.
I thought so.
Here he comes. Be careful!
- Evening, ladies. Welcome aboard.
- Oh, my God.
- And thank you for choosing Vaya Azul.
- Oh, my God.
Piece of shit!
Which of the Wright brothers
did you buy this from?
The one you dated in high school.
I feel so much better.
That's very reassuring.
We have a funny pilot.
- Hold it!
- What are you doing?
- I wanna get out of here, Ma.
- We're going! We're going!
- Stop!
- Take it easy, now. Oh, my Lord!
There!
A plane! There's a plane!
Is she in it?
I don't know. Do you see
a telescope attached to my head?
Come on, baby. Come on, let's go.
- Come on, baby.
- Ooh!
Come on.
- Wait!
- Wait, please. Hold it!
Stop! Please, stop!
Wait for us! Wait!
- It's Herbie and his friend!
- Wait, please. Wait.
Oh, God.
Hold it! Hold it!
Wait! Wait!
Wait a minute. Wait!
Down here!
- Hey! Hey!
- Come back!
She's not gonna hear a whistle,
for crying out loud. Hey!
Wait a minute. Wait a minute!
- What are you doing?
- You'll see.
What are you doing?
What are you gonna do,
shoot down the plane?
Oh, my God.
The flare!
See the flare?
- Now turn, for God's sake. See it?
- Turn around.
Come back!
Ensign Matowski.
- What?
- Herb.
Oh, my God. That can't be Charlie!
No way.
- Turn around.
- It's probably just...
- Turn? What is your problem?
- Just do it.
Turn! Yes. He's turning! Yes!
That's it. Way to go.
- Liz.
- Charlie.
- You're late.
- Yeah.
I had a little trouble getting started.
The plane was windy, you know.
- Yeah.
- Made my eyes water.
Yeah, it does that. Yeah. Look at that.
Liz.
From the first moment
I saw you on that ship...
...it was my intention to lie to you,
I swear.
That's sweet.
What I didn't intend
was falling in love with you.
Well, okay.
The deal is...
...that I'm as big a liar as you.
I highly doubt it.
I'm broke.
I'm sure you're exaggerating.
No, I'm not.
Not even a couple of
hundred thousand?
Not even.
Zip. Flat broke.
Sorry.
Door's open. It's not too late.
You can leave.
No, I don't wanna get out.
I don't wanna leave.
How long's all this gonna take?
Couple of gold diggers coming up empty.
That's terrific.
We still got the check from Carswell
for $ 18,000.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
I saw you...
You taped it?
- What do I look like? A schmuck?
- The jury's still out on that one.
Shut up, Ma. We're keeping him.
Thank you.
Fifty dollars apiece,
for picking up the two studs.
They ought to give you 50 bucks
for calling them studs.
Herbie, lend me 50 bucks,
will you? All I got is this check.
You're not getting a nickel
out of me, Charlie.
- Let me just say...
- Would you...?
You got any crack on you?
Instead... Instead of...
Instead of paying for this cruise...
Come with me.
See, we go to shmeer...
And then you call a...
Are you talking
about humpback whales?
I was talking about humping, actually.
Ah! Ah! Ah!
What hint? No, I just found us a couple
of chest butchers that'll whip it out.
- Where were you?
- Well...
A passenger requested an escort, sir.
- Indeed. A likely excuse.
- So I slipped her one in the lifeboat.
Oh, shit...
Oh, look who's here.
You better tell him.
This man's got a martial arts thing
in black belt shmeer.
So if you think that some snot nose
little fop like you is gonna stop me...
...then pinch me, Walter.
So if you think some snotty little fop
like you is gonna change me or...
...* * * * me up,
then I'll * * *k it up myself.
Even though we've known each other
for a short time...
...the moon is up your ass.
Keep looking at Dyan.
- Don't try to grab my thing.
- Oh, isn't that attractive?
I wouldn't hold my thing.
What about Walter's hand?
I really had a good time.
- I wanna tell you something.
- Tell me, tell me.
I have never had a better piece of ass.
Whoo-hoo!
Did I hear "cut"?
Dismissed.