Out There (1995) - full transcript

(Multicom Jingle)

(ominous orchestral music)

(electricity zapping)

- [Emmett] What the hell is
that light comin' from, Roy?

- [Roy] I don't know.

It's right down there.

- [Emmett] Where?

- [Roy] Come on.

- [Emmett] Come on, where?

- [Roy] Let's follow it.

- [Emmett] I'm followin', I'm followin'.



- [Roy] Over there.

It's right on top of us, Emmett.

- [Emmett] Is that a helicopter or what?

Wait a minute.
- [Roy] What?

Oh, it's too damn bright.

- [Both] I can't see.

- [Emmett] Wait a minute.

(aircraft whooshes)

(men chattering)

- [Roy] Go, go, go!

Now!

- [Emmet] I'm goin', I'm tryin'.

I'm doin' the best I can.

- [Roy] Faster.



Don't lose it.

- [Emmett] Pick up on this damn thing.

Where the hell did they go?

- It's the goddamn Russians, I tell you.

- [Emmett] No, it's gotta
be from another planet.

- It's a goddamn squadron of Sputniks

comin' down to put fluoride in the water.

- [Emmett] Where'd they go?

(dramatic orchestral music)

What the hell was that?

(electricity zapping)

(men grunting)

Son of a bitch!

(electricity screeching)

(dramatic music)

(electricity zaps)

- What is this, art?

Weren't there any victims?

- You're looking at the victims,
Cobb, for Christ's sake.

These people lost their houses.

- Anybody burned?

Third degree?

Second degree?

First?

- No, they're all fine.

- I can't use this shit.

I need people diving
from billowing windows.

Captured frozen mid-plummet.

You know, grasping, clutching at the air,

that look in their eyes.

I need a little drama.

- You told me to shoot
the fire, I shot the fire.

- No, I told a Pulitzer
Prize winning photographer

to shoot the fire.

That's what you were famous for, drama.

Or maybe you just got
lucky with that one shot

back when you were in your prime.

- There was nothing lucky about that shot.

- Well, maybe you just
don't have it anymore.

- Maybe.

- Big shot prizewinning
photojournalist loses nerve.

- I'm outta here.

- Maybe you just feel guilty
about taking that shot

instead of being a hero back then.

(Delbert exhales)

Guilt written all over your face.

(truck sputtering)

(engine turning over)

- Gah!

(engine turning over)

(fists banging)

(boot thuds against tire)

It's quite a selection.

Uh, my battery went dead.

I wonder if I...

- Do you know the difference
between art and porno?

- I think so.

- Pubic hair.

This is art, and this is porno.

- Penthouse?

- They started it all in 1969.

Bang, pubic hair all over.

That's what I call progress.

- I see.

Could I use your phone?

- You gonna buy somethin'?

- Yeah, sure.

How much for the Brownie?

- Oh, that's an antique.

One man's junk's another man's treasure.

I'll let ya have it for 50.

- What?

- [Man On Porch] Okay, 25 then.

- You gotta be kidding.

- All right, 15 cents,
take it or leave it.

- Oh yeah, sounds fair.

Where's the phone?

- It's right inside if
it's still connected.

(coins clanking)

- Thanks.

(dog barking)

Well, let's see.

I think I'll put that there.

No, no, no.

I'll put that there.

Oh yeah, that's what I'll do.

I'll put that,

whoa!

(camera clatters)

(suspenseful music)

What is this, art?

(scoffs)

(soft orchestral music)

Well, this is exciting.

Great,

an NRA poster.

(suspenseful orchestral music)

What the hell?

- Let me see that.

Okay, what've we got here?

What's this, art?

- Uh, keep going.

- I was an art major with a minor

in nuclear destruction.
(chuckles)

Yeah, I'm a people person myself.

I'm very people oriented,
that's why they put me

here in the office of information.

You're lucky.

You found me in a rare
moment of inactivity,

let me tell you.

How the hell did you find me?

- Uh, it wasn't easy.

I kept getting the runaround.

- Yeah, I bet you did.

Oh, look at that.

She pretty.

That your little girl?

- No, I have no idea who she is.

(airplane rumbling)

- Oh boy, look what we have here.

Look at this.

Now, that is a truck, ha!

That is a truck.

T-R-U-K, truck!

1958 Studebaker, my boy.

They don't make 'em like
that anymore, you know.

Listen, I'm gonna be going to lunch soon

down in the officers' mess.

You wanna join me, 'cause
they're gonna make sloppy joes?

- Uh, no, thank you.

You know, if you look at the next picture

you can see, I think, why
I brought these to you.

- Wow.

Ha!

Now that's a great flyin' saucer.

They don't have 'em like that
anymore either, I tell you.

- No, I guess not.

- Yeah.

Oh, look at this.

Aliens.

Ha!

Aliens, yeah.

Boy, these are classic.

I wish they still made 'em
like this, you know dat?

I don't like the way they make 'em today.

They make 'em all spiky
and they got mean faces

and things like that.

I like the ones that Spielberg made.

They's kinda romantic.

They's cuddly and they's soft

and they're round like Gumby

screwed a hard-boiled egg, you know.

(laughs)

What the hell is that?

- If ya turn that around,
I think it's upside down,

if ya turn that around,
you'll see that it looks like

the aliens are abducting the men.

- Boy, it is some job, I wanna tell ya.

These things, the aliens, they look,

they look better in close up.

What'd ya do?

What'd ya made 'em out of?

Latex and papier mache?

- I didn't make them.

Like I said, I just found a camera,

it had film in it, and I developed it.

That's it.

- You found a camera.

Uh-huh.

Well now, tell me,

where exactly did you find this camera?

- At a garage sale in Bakersfield.

Look, you tell me.

You guys are the experts in this stuff.

You tell me.

Is that photographic evidence
of a UFO abduction or not?

- I don't know.

You know what you can do, you can go

to one of these flying saucer magazines.

They pay a lot of money
for a thing like this.

- What do you mean a thing like this?

Don't you wanna investigate this?

Find out what's going on?

Analyze it?

- Analyze it?

Do you know how much the Air Force

has spent analyzing things?

What about the young officers?

They don't know what to do because of

their inexperience and their youth.

So what do they do?

They fall prey to a false conclusion

and then we have to reconclude them.

But they ain't enough for you guys.

Oh, no, no, no.

You gotta know everything, everything.

What the MJ-12 project
is, what's in Hangar 18,

what's in Area 51?

You gotta know all that,
all that, you nosy people.

You wanna know the
skinny, gimme the skinny.

I'll give you the skinny, my friend.

(airplane roaring drowns out dialogue)

Do you understand that?

We aren't gonna spend anymore money

investigatin' stuff like this.

No more.

No more.

And do you know why?

Because of itty, bitsy,

piggly, wiggly

people like you.

- So, you still living in Barstow?

- No, Bakersfield.

- Oh yeah, Bakersfield.

And you're, uh...

- Freelancing.

- Freelancing.

Uh, for...

- Different people.

- Different people, gotcha.

- You wanna take a look at the next one?

I think it's a little more interesting.

I mean, who is this fella for instance?

What's his story?

Did you know the Air Force shut down

Project Blue Book in 1969?

The only people who investigate

this kinda stuff anymore are UFO freaks.

Maybe somebody oughta check
this out or something.

- Why don't you?

- Well, I don't do that kinda stuff.

I just take pictures.

- I thought you said you
didn't take these pictures.

- I know, I didn't take these pictures.

- So how much do you
want for these pictures

you didn't take?

- I don't know, I didn't think about it.

- We knew each other, what?

10 years ago or something?

- Nine, 10, yeah.

- Uh-huh.

I mean, we were like at the
right place at the right time.

You got the shot, I got
the story, we got lucky.

- Those people died.

There was not much lucky about that.

- Well, it wasn't our fault.

I mean, there was nothing we
could do for insurance reasons.

- We could've tried.

- Got our Pulitzers, didn't we?

Got our 20 minutes.

- Daws, you can skip the preamble, okay?

- Look, all I'm saying is,
maybe I've had some good breaks,

maybe you haven't and,

the thing is, we're friends, right?

I mean, if you want me to
throw you a bone, just say so.

Don't resort to this bullshit.

- Which bullshit?

- This bullshit?

(laughs) My God, look at these things.

This is so phony it wouldn't
make it in a supermarket rag.

Where's your integrity?

- Okay, I can give you $200, that's it.

- Look, you just pretend I
didn't come here, all right?

This was my mistake.

- I'm sorry.

$500, okay?

- They're not for sale.

- Mosley.

Everything is for sale.

(knocking at the door.

- Mm, Don Polson, Omni Magazine.

Judith Daws gave me your name.

- Come on.
- Thank you.

Oh, this is a classic.

Well now, judging from the underbelly,

the configuration of the landing gear,

it appears to be an upper Sonoran variant

of the Cornell classification.

- The Cornell classification
woulda been my first guess.

- You can laugh if you want to,

but there have been an enormous
number of UFO sightings.

Now, many of these UFOs have been seen

by reputable people
who have no connection,

mm, mm, mm, no connection
whatsoever to each other.

And yet, they describe having
seen the exact same thing.

Now the known details of these sightings

have been cataloged and categorized

according to the size,
the weight, the shape,

the color, the silhouette,
the geographical area,

whatever, what have you, all for the sake

of explaining the unexplainable.

- It's sort of a field
guide to western UFOs.

- Right.

The Air Force began it
with Project Blue Book

but they abandoned that in 1969

and now we're just picking up the pieces

and seeing what's what and trying

to bring things up to date.

We call it Project Open Book.

There you are.

You can keep that if you wish.

They're $3.50 on the newsstands.

Now, this one was very common in the '50s

and the '60s in the Southwest.

- Upper Sonora.

- Right.

Now you're catching on.

Is that the camera there?

- [Delbert] Uh, yes it is.

I found it at a garage sale.

- Oh, you're kidding.

Oh, interesting angle.

Guy buys a camera, looks
inside, what does he find?

Well, that could start a real
surge in garage sale business.

You never know.

Mm, tell me, where exactly
was this yard sale?

- A little place over on Terra Bella.

- Terra Bella.

I'll make sure that gets into the article.

And now if you will be so
kind as to sign here, please.

It's a standard release form.

- [Delbert] Hey, I haven't
seen one of these in years.

These used to be quite a fad for awhile.

- A very short while.

We got a deal on them.

(Delbert exhales)

Good, good.

Thank you.

And here is your $1000 for the photos.

- 1000?

- Yes, we're very serious about this.

It's important.

- I guess it is.

- Now, one last thing.

Could I get a shot of you with the camera?

- Why?

- Gives a story credibility.

You know, people get
to see the real camera

with the real person who found it.

- Sure, okay.

- All right, now, hold the
camera a little higher.

Mm-hm, yes, good.

All right, go ahead and point at it.

Oh, that's very good.

(camera clicks) Excellent, yes.

Oh, it's a peach.

All right, say E.T.

(camera clicks)

(cash register beeping)

("Mexican Radio" by Wall of Voodoo)

- I seen an alien once.

Had sexual intercourse with him.

Technically two, no three,
well I forget exactly.

It's a very disorienting experience.

They had peckers on 'em about this big,

about as thick as a big ol' cola bottle.

Those are the general dimensions.

And they were curved, too,
like the space-time continuum?

Not like a pig's, though.

They were not curved the way a pig's is.

I know the difference.

And I don't care what people say about it,

they're just jealous
because it changed my life.

- What is it, my face?

- I had a article in here, too, once.

You seen it?

You recognize me?

- No, I'm sorry I think I missed that one.

Big article with a big picture, too.

Just like this here.

No, technically I was goin' like this

with a real scared look on my face,

you know, for dramatic effect?

Like that.

You know, that's probably why
people don't recognize me,

'cause I was makin' that face, right?

(laughs)

Here, let me give you my card

'cause you know we're
gonna need your input

for the UFOs-R-US Network bulletin board.

We have every sighting
since 1949 cataloged

and cross indexed in the
client server database.

Full access over the
internet, America Online,

CompuServe, you name it.

Where is that?

Oh, here.
(chuckles)

Could I have your autograph?

Right here.

Just make it out to Joleen.

My name's Joleen like
the Dolly Parton song.

You know Dolly wrote that song after me.

She named it right after me.

Are you married?

(dramatic orchestral music)
Not that it matters.

I mean, I will do you right
here in the parking lot.

I don't care.

(chatter drowned out by music)

(knocking at the window)

- I wanna see Don Polson.

Could you tell him it's...

(window thuds)

- Hey, take a number, hoss.

We're all waitin' on him.

- Um, you're Mosley, aren't you?

- Excuse me?

- You found the camera with pictures

of the vacationing aliens?

- Oh God, not again.

- And he won a Pulitzer Prize for it.

- No, not for those photos.

- You know, I got abducted last week

and they took me to some
crazy martian Club Med.

They didn't allow no cameras, though.

- I've got more than just pictures.

I've got videotape and pressed flowers.

- Please, I need to talk to
you about these photographs.

- Look, I don't care if
you've seen an alien.

I don't care if you slept with one.

I don't care what an
alien's penis looks like.

- They're curved like
the space-time continuum.

- Hey, wait a minute.

That is my story.

- Well, I never.

They were very sweet and
they looked great in heels.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, back
up there, Norma Jean.

Now you're sayin' that
all the space aliens

are drag queens.

- They are superior beings.

- Some like it hot.

It's awful damn hot in a lake of fire.

- Blow it out your ass.

- Marilyn, have you, hey.

We got some more pictures for me?

- Yeah, I got somethin' for ya.

- Wait, I...

- You actually mean to
tell me that you drove

all the way down here just
to, mm, just to, mm, mm,

just to say shame on you?

(laughs)

- No, I came down here to kick your ass.

- Is that so?

- I want ya to understand something.

- Look, why don't you
just use a phone, huh?

Just call me a shithead and hang up.

I get that every day.

No big whoop.

- No, I wanna do this face to face.

- Do what, kick my (coughs) kick (coughs)

kick my (coughs) kick my butt?

- No.

I want ya to understand
that ya did something wrong.

- Like what?

- Ya lied.

- Hey, I'm a journalist.

We get to do that.

That's my constitutional right.

(fist bangs)

- You're not a journalist.

You're a congenital liar who can type.

- You leave my genitals out of this.

This is a family rag, pal.

- Your lies by implication
have made me a liar.

- So?

- Look, I don't own my own home.

I don't have a new car.

I haven't been to the
dentist in two years.

I don't have any of these things

which we use to measure
our worth as human beings.

All I have is my name, my
integrity and my reputation!

- And your Pulitzer Prize
if ya haven't milked that

for all it's worth by now.

- The only reason I don't kick
your ass all over this desk

is because I don't wanna go to jail.

- Hey.

Hey, hey, hey!

You know somethin', pal?

Everybody knows that if
you hadn't been so busy

takin' pictures you coulda saved that kid.

(ominous orchestral music)
(Don chuckling)

- [Delbert] All right, that does it.

- But we moved to Newport News, Virginia,

which is pretty much
where my journey began.

(toilet flushes)

They're messin' with our minds.

Right?

Yeah, see?

He knows the situation.

Ya see, everywhere ya go they
got this easy listenin' shit.

Well, I used to work in a slaughter house

and ya know what they
had playin' in there?

The exact same shit.

A thousand and one violins play the hits

of the Grateful Dead, shit like that.

Shit that makes Perry
Como sound like Iggy Pop.

Course it wasn't for our benefit.

It was for the pigs.

- [Man] Put a sock in it, sausage mouth!

Don't you ever shut up?

(toilet flushes)

- I'm sorry, friend.

I wasn't aware that I was bothering you.

I will be quiet immediately.

Or how 'bout I come over
there and cut a big grin

in your throat, ya piece of shit?

And don't think I can't do it either.

- [Man] Ooh, I'm really shakin' now.

- I'm not really supposed
to have matches, you know.

Yeah.
(match strikes)

Ya see, it's all part of
a diabolical experiment

conducted by these...

(keys rattling in a lock)

Shh.

I think they may be on to me.

Act natural.

(footsteps tapping)

(club banging on metal bars)

- Delbert Mosley?

- Delbert?

- Don't rub it in.

- [Cellmate] Who would
name their kid Delbert?

- All right, you're bailed out.

- Your parents should be the ones in here.

- I seen a alien once.

(light orchestral music)

(men chattering)

- Oh, hi.

Oh, I brought you coffee.

- Sheesh.

You people are like pit
bulls, ya don't let go.

- Listen, I just bailed you out.

The least You could do is
listen to me for a minute.

- Thank you.

I appreciate what you've done
for me and I'll pay ya back.

- Oh no, that...

- But you're wasting your time.

The reporter, the alleged reporter,

made the entire story up.

There are no vacationing aliens.

- Tell me about the camera.

- Why are you doing this?

You're an attractive person,
a very attractive person.

Don't ya have better things to do?

Uh, hobbies?

- Here.

That's my father.

(eerie music) He disappeared in 1969.

He went out hunting with a friend

in a Studebaker pickup truck
and we never saw him again.

- You're the little girl.

- What?

- In front of the house with the doll.

- Oh, there are more pictures?

- Yeah, a couple.

The Moon didn't use 'em.

They weren't sensational enough.

Your feet, you and your
mom waving goodbye.

They're at my place in Bakersfield.

- Where did you find my father's camera?

- Some pack rat's yard sale.

God knows where he found it.

Some other yard sale.

- Well, thanks.

- Look, I'm sorry I
couldn't help any more.

It just seems like a dead end.

- Excuse me, it's just that these pictures

are the first, the only
clues we've ever had.

All those years Mom wondered
if it was something that

she did to drive him away

or was it an accident?

Did he get lost in the mountains?

Or did he just

go off somewhere and start a new life?

It was the not knowing that killed her.

Last year her broken heart just stopped.

Well, I am not going to my
grave without an answer.

(somber orchestral music)

- Well, I hope you find out what happened.

Here.

Let me get your address so I can

send you a check and the photos.

Do ya have a pen?

- It feels like falling.

- What?

- Not knowing, it kinda
feels like falling.

Listen, um, I don't
mean to sound bourgeois,

but are you really a
Pulitzer Prize winner?

- Well, it was a few years ago.

(laughs)

I'm a freelance photojournalist.

It's kind of a euphemism
for being unemployed.

(chuckles)

Look, well I'm obviously
not very busy at this stage

in my life, and why
don't you say we team up

and try to track this thing down?

See if we can figure out what happened.

- You'd do that?

- Yeah.

I mean, I owe ya.

And my truck's been towed by now.

It's not worth what it would
cost to get outta hock.

I need a ride.

- (exhales) Where do we start?

(crickets chirping)

(engine rumbling)

- That's it, that's it, stop.

Huh.

These must be getting popular again.

- I like her hair.

- [Realtor] You're early.

- We are?

- You're not Mr. and Mrs. Wong?

No, of course you're not, are you?

- Do you know where the owner is?

- [Realtor] Dead, of course.

- What?

- This is a probate sale.

- [Delbert] What happened.

- Well, she died.

- She?

No, no, the owner was a guy, grubby.

- Oh, him.

Haywood Roussell.

He was a renter.

The woman who owned this
place died last year.

Are you a homeowner?

- No.

- I am.

- Oh, good for you.

That's very smart.

So, I take it you're a renter, then?

- [Delbert] Yes, uh...

- Do you know that when you pay rent

you're paying 100% interest?

- Uh-huh.

- Oh, do you know where he moved?

Did he leave a forwarding
address or anything?

- Roussell?

Not a clue.

He sold everything that wasn't nailed down

and he still couldn't pay
all the back rent he owed.

He's probably living in a
car someplace for all I know.

Which is really foolish because
it doesn't build equity.

I suppose it might have
its tax advantages, though.

(hand pounding on roof)

- Praise the Lord!

No dry rot, no termites,
and plenty of crawlspace

for cable hookups.

- Personality plus.

And the down payment is negotiable.

- Hallelujah!

- I think I better go close this sale

while God's still on my side.

- Thank you.

What are you doing?

- Mr. Haywood Roussell, 1710 Terra Bella.

- Well, that address isn't gonna help us.

- Well, the post office
won't forward junk mail,

but personal mail,
that's a different story.

- Where to now?

- 1969.

- We're not far enough yet.

Keep going.

- [Delbert] What month was it?

- [Paige] August 1969.

- Ah, Woodstock.

I wasn't there.

- What are we looking for?

- Anything unusual.

- What, like flying saucers landing?

- Well yeah, that.

UFO sightings, plane crashes, meteorites,

weather balloons, strange
lights, anything like that.

We should check a few
weeks before and after.

- Okie dokie.

(Paige clears throat)

- You, um, you done yet?

- Affirmative.

(Delbert inhales)

You ready?

- What?

- I'm finished with this page.

Can we roll on?

- Ah, yes, yes.

Let's.

Do you know, we have a lot of work to do.

Why don't we split up and work
separately on both machines.

- Oh yeah, oh sure.

Good idea.

(Paige clears throat)

Hey, "One small step for man,
one giant leap for mankind?"

- We don't care about us out there.

We need something on them down here.

(Paige clears throat)

Oh God, Manson.

(Paige groans disgustedly)

(suspenseful orchestral music)

Paige?

You find something?

- August 16th was the
last time we saw him.

- Wait a minute, there aren't any names.

We need names.

- Whose names?

- The people who saw the UFOs.

If they saw some flying
saucers or something,

they might've seen something else.

- Like two men in a pickup truck?

- Exactly.

But there aren't any names.

- Maybe they didn't want people thinking

they were UFO freaks.

- Yeah, I know the feeling.

Wait a minute.

UFO freaks.

That's what we need.

Oh God, let me still have
it, please, please, please.

- What?

What do we need?

- This.

- Oh, that's what you were looking for?

Listen, if you need gum
all ya had to do was ask.

- No, no, no, not the gum.

The UFO freak who's stuck to it.

- [Television Saleswoman]
We're going to show,

again, our most popular item today.

This stunning bracelet
encrusted with solid,

compared to the 49, and cubic zirconium.

Isn't it just the most gorgeous thing...

- [Paige] Holy mackerel.

- [Delbert] Will ya look
at the size of that thing?

(door squeaks)

- Pretty impressive, huh?

I can tune in the space shuttle
or cartoons from Russia.

You name it.

- Come on in, I got nachos waitin'.

Come on.

I got near beer, too.

Do you like near beer?

I can't drink alcohol.

Come on in.

It makes me sweat.

- [TV Saleswoman] $499.95.

(suspenseful music)

Pretty spectacular.

If you are among the first 150 callers...

(door thuds)

- Now, what was that exact date again?

- Um, August 16, 1969.

(keyboard clicking)

- Hmm.

You may have got in just under the wire.

All UFO sightings were
investigated by the Air Force

for Project Blue Book 'til they

shut it down in '69.

(scoffs)

- Why did they stop?

What happened in 1969?

- Star Trek was canceled.

- They put a man on the moon.

- (chuckles) Yeah, and
Nixon in the White House.

- (laughs) Yeah.

- Um, I really don't
like cracks about Nixon.

(computer beeping)

- We're just gonna let that pass.

Okay, almost got the search query ready.

You know, you can't just go to a library

and check out Project Blue Book.

It's not even a real book.

It's just a bunch of classified reports.

So the only way to get 'em

is through the Freedom of Information Act,

which means writin' letters back and forth

to a bunch of assholes in Washington.

The only people who have time to do that

are UFO freaks like moi
livin' in trailer parks.

We have over 10,000 pages of hypertext

Blue Book documents online.

Okay, there goes the search query.

There's a lot of network traffic tonight.

This may take a minute.

- This is, um, quite a
system you've got goin' here.

- Yeah, I programmed it
myself using DOD approved

mill standard, 1815A Ada
programming language.

I mean, C and C++ is for
bedwetting hackers and academics.

You know, big pussies.

(chuckles)

- Somebody's watching us
from that trailer over there.

- Yeah, he just moved in.

He's an alien.

They sent him here to keep tabs on me.

You know how to tell
if someone's an alien?

They always have their TVs tuned

to those shop at home stations.

Watch this.

- [TV Saleswoman] Might be our
most popular bracelet ever.

- [Joleen] A little polka
oughta stir things up.

Especially if it's loud.

(polka music)

- [Man] Hey!

What the hell?

(Joleen laughing) Turn that off!

- He's doin' the hokey pokey now.

(man shouting)

- [TV Saleswoman] $9.95.

(polka music)

- [Joleen] Ooh, look at him go.

- [Man] Somebody turn this off!

What is that?

- Joleen, somethin's comin' in.

- [Man] Hey, what the?

(computer beeping)

- You got in by the skin of your teeth.

(suspenseful orchestral music)

- A movie set.

So, the first sightings were
here in Twentynine Palms

at 8:30 in the evening.

- Mm-hm.

- [Waitress] Yeah, there ya go, sugars.

Enjoy.
- Food, good.

- [Delbert] What is that?

- This is wrong.

Um, yeah, over 100 people
at the drive-in movies.

Then there was a teacher and 18 kids

at a camp down in Death Valley.

Death Valley, where is it?

- Mm, right there.

- Okay.

Um, and some Jehovah's Witnesses
waiting on the front porch

of a house in Bakersfield.

- Bakersfield.

- [Paige] There.

But we only have this
one guy, Lyman Weeks,

from Mt. Pinos who saw
anything on the ground.

- Lonely guy.

And what he saw was a movie set.

Your dad and his buddy are out hunting.

Right?

They see these big lights up in the sky.

Same lights everybody
else saw that evening

and they follow them
and they find this huge

flying saucer squatting out
in the middle of the woods,

which they walk up to waving a white flag

and suddenly, cut, it's a movie set.

The whole crew has a great laugh

at these two yokels who thought it was

a real flying saucer.

They end up getting their
pictures taken with the actor.

And now we know who else
saw your father that night.

- [Both] The movie people.

Check!

- Escape from Uranus?

- [Delbert] Yeah, have you heard of it?

- Of course I have, but we don't have it.

Nobody does.

(light electronic music)

- Well, what do you know about it?

- It was the jinx movie.

The film was never even finished.

The negative burned up in a fire.

- What about the people
in it, the cast and crew?

- That is the best part of the story.

They started filming with Boris Karloff,

who was playing this
kind of wheelchair bound,

mean and merciless type character,

but he died three days into production.

So, they recast with some look alike

and tried to finish the picture.

The director disappeared
the very next year.

So did the producer I think.

And then a whole lot
of the crew either died

or disappeared within,
like, the next 10 years.

I mean, it is a film
of mythic proportions.

The stuff of Hollywood legend.

- Well, what about the
movie studio that paid them.

- (chuckles) It was
independently financed.

You've heard of low budget.

This was like, no budget.

I mean, it's like this film never existed.

It would've been kind of a dinosaur anyway

had it actually ever been released.

I mean, 2001 came out in '68,

kinda revolutionized
the whole sci-fi genre.

- [Paige] Well, isn't
anybody left from the movie?

- Well, there was one woman.

Oh, who was that?

She was in Lost in Space for a while

or was that My Favorite Martian?

Um,

Bunny Wells, that's it.

She's still around.

(upbeat dance music)

- You think we'll be able to find her?

- Oh, I got a couple ideas.

I gotta find a motel first, though.

My house is too far away.

- No, you'll stay at my place.

Beautiful downtown Burbank.

- No, I don't wanna impose.

- Oh come on, don't give
me that polite stuff.

- No really, I mean,
you don't even know me.

- Sure I do.

You're a Pulitzer Prize winner.

- For all you know I could be a guy

that jumps on the furniture.

- Hell, I do that myself.

Besides, we're partners.

You'll stay at my place.

(crickets chirping)

(clears throat) Here's
your blankets and stuff.

- Say, what is it with you and Mr. Nixon?

- Oh, um, well,

it's kind of a personal, private thing.

- Oh (chuckles) okay.

A personal private thing between
you and the ex-president?

Enough said.

Okay, alrighty then.

- Thanks.

Okay, um, two rules.

The toilet seat is to
remain in the down position

immediately after use and, um,

no jumping on the
furniture before six a.m.

(chuckles)

Oh, I brought you some clean clothes.

(chuckles) Uh, well, you
might need a skosh more room,

whatever a skosh is.

Yeah, these belonged to my old boyfriend.

- Where's he nowadays?

- Who, numbnuts?

Somewhere with a stick up his ass.

- Well, it's good to see
ya don't bear a grudge.

- Oh, yeah, well.

He was just such a, God,

Dentist.

Just in it for the money, no
philosophical underpinning.

- I don't mean to sound bourgeois,

but what is it you do exactly?

(instruments clicking)

- Oh yeah, you have great teeth.

I'd watch the lingual side of 17, though.

It's a little soft.

You should use a fluoride
rinse and definitely floss...

- More often.

(Paige laughs)

- Ah, President Nixon
had the right philosophy.

It's why I became a dentist.

This chance meeting that became

the turning point in my life.

I was 17 working at Burger
King off the 101 in Oxnard,

closed up around midnight,
went out to the parking lot,

and found Nixon hiding in the backseat.

(chuckles)

He was kinda frightened.

He had gotten separated from
his Secret Service men somehow.

A little paranoid, you know.

Well, this was years after he resigned.

He looked weary.

I felt bad for him.

So I offered him some of my cheeseburger.

He had never had a Whopper before.

He liked it.

Gave him some of my Dr.
Pepper, liked that, too.

One of those little pies.

And after we finished he
pulled out some toothpaste

and two brand new toothbrushes
still in the wrapper

and we brushed our teeth together

right there in the parking lot.

Then, he brought out dental floss

and President Nixon stressed to me

the importance of dental hygiene

because he said, and
I'll never forget this,

he said, "As long as you
have good teeth, Paige,"

"you're never entirely lost."

"When all else fails at least
you'll have a nice smile."

And then he smiled.

Oh, I get chills just
thinkin' about it now.

Made the hair on the
back of my neck stand up.

Can't just ignore somethin' like that.

I became a dentist.

Swish and spit.

- Well, at least ya didn't vote for him.

- Gimme a break.

I was too young.

(Delbert gulps)

(light orchestral music)

(chuckles) Look at these clones.

I hope they had tattoos or birthmarks,

somethin' to tell 'em apart.

- Which year is that one?

- '69.

- Well, she's not in
'70, so the latest one

she's in is '69.

- Yeah.

- Who's her agent?

- [Paige] De Salvo.

- [Delbert] De Salvo Realty.

Though I suppose it could be the same guy.

- Let's check it out.

(elevator dings)

(knocking at the door)

- Door's open, come on in.

No, no, no it's no problem.

I'll take care of it, don't worry.

Look, I've got company, I'll call ya back.

Okay, bye-bye now.

Oh hi!

The renter.

Are we ready to buy that
cute little starter?

- Uh, no.

We're looking for Manny De Salvo.

- Oh, Manny's dead, but I'm
Mrs. De Salvo and I'm not.

Now, you walk like someone who
knows how to swing a hammer

and I have the perfect fixer upper.

- Actually, we're not here
so much to meet Mr. De Salvo

as we are an actress that
he used to represent.

- Really?

Well, Manny was my agent.

Do you remember me, Bunny Wells?

Please, sit down.

Oh, sure.

I remember these guys.

We were right in the middle of a shot

and they came running in yelling,

"Welcome!

"Welcome to Earth!"

We laughed our asses off.

- He doesn't look like he's laughing.

- Oh, the director put them in as extras.

Anything to save a buck.

And it showed.

I didn't hang around with them very much.

They hung out with the crew mostly.

You know, sniffing around the makeup girl

and the wardrobe girl, the usual.

Which one was your dad?

- [Paige] That one.

- Oh, the handsome one.

- Yeah.

- So, you're his and Anne's daughter.

Is this about the probate sale?

- No.

Who's Anne?

- Look, honey, I know your
daddy's been gone a long time,

and I'm not gonna bullshit you.

- Good.

- Anne Aspenwald was the wardrobe girl

and she and your dad
got, you know, friendly.

Like rabbits.

Once shooting was over
I lost track of them

but I heard they shacked, got married.

I'm sure it didn't last.

I don't know what happened to him,

but Anne was the homeowner, the dead one.

- What?

(dramatic orchestral music)

- The house where I met
you with the dead owner?

That was Anne Aspenwald's.

- That would explain how
the camera got there.

- She was a friend of Donna
Sullivan, the makeup girl.

- (crying) And Roy was married, too?

Kids?

(gasps)

The son of a bitch.

(sobbing)

Oh, we didn't know they were married.

We thought they were just
a couple of sweet guys.

(sobbing)

(ominous music)

(Donna crying)

- Picture matches.

- Um, what happened to them?

- Oh, I don't know.

What makes a man do that sort of thing?

Were they Mormons?

- No, no.

I meant what happened to them physically?

Where did they go?

What did they do?

- Well, Roy and I got married.

We were married for seven years.

(crying) Until his untimely death.

He fell down an elevator shaft.

- That's horrible.

What happened?

- Oh, some sort of malfunction.

He pushed the button, door opened,

he stepped in,

no elevator, just air.

Air.

(sobbing)

- Wait, what happened to my father?

To Emmett?

(Donna groans)

(Donna sobbing)

(Paige sobbing)

- Paige, this is bullshit.

- You're goddamn right it is.

I mean, all this time I thought he died

of exposure in the wilderness.

I mean, that had a little
nobility, a little class.

But instead I find out he got knocked off

in a head-on collision on his way to Vegas

to marry some Hollywood slut.

(sobs)

Poor Mom.

Asshole!

- No, no, no.

Not that, this.

Look, somebody's jerking us around here.

Look at these dates.

1993, '92, '90, '91.

This is a new section.

Why is there a 25 year-old grave here?

- Oh my God, you're right.

- Ah yes, that would be Section E, Row 12,

the Everlasting Slumber Enclave.

That's a wonderful area,
overlooks the freeway.

At night if you go out there, lay down,

close your eyes, it's as
if you hear the ocean.

(organ music)

- Um, Emmett Davis?

- 1969?

- Yes, yes, you told me already.

Here we are.

Um, E-12,

Plot 44.

Well, I'm afraid you must be mistaken.

That's an empty plot.

There's nobody there.

(car rumbling)

(dramatic music)

- The alien mask, it's gone.

- Oh.

(liquid squelches)

(Delbert grunts)
(Paige gasps)

Oh!
- Son of a bitch.

- So!
(Paige screams)

It was you who did it.

Okay, then you clean it up.

- We didn't do anything, we just got here.

- Ah sure, act innocent.

- Well, was somebody hurt here?

- That's stage blood.

This is Hollywood.

Hello?

Ah never mind, I'll clean it up myself.

I got a lower back injury
and a rash on my left hand

that burns whenever I get it wet,

but why should that matter?

(bottle squirting)

I won an Academy Award and
here I am, Walter Danverstein,

cleanin' up this crap.

And I got Sasquatch here steppin' in it

and trackin' it all over the place.

- What am I supposed to do, levitate?

- We're lookin' for Donna.

- Donna who?

- Donna Sullivan, the makeup
department supervisor?

- I'm the supervisor.

This is my shop.

Donna Sullivan was barely an assistant.

She hasn't worked here since 1969.

(suspenseful music)

You people make me sick!

Don't you read the credits
at the end of the movie, huh?

Or were you too busy
lookin' for your car keys?

I'm Walter Danverstein, I won an Oscar.

This is my shop.

I tell everybody what to do.

Okay, that's lunch!

30 minutes.

Ya see?

(door slams)

(knocking on door)

(suspenseful music)
(Paige gasps)

- Hey look, here's another
one of these nudie pens.

What now?

- Wow, we gotta go to Mt. Penis,
find that guy Lyman Weeks,

the only one who saw
something on the ground.

- I think that's Pinos.

(car rumbling)
(owl hooting)

(crickets chirping)
(frogs croaking)

This is out here, huh?

- Oh, you're not kidding.

If we hadn't talked to the
sheriff we'd be lost by now.

(suspenseful music)

- Mr. Weeks?

- [Delbert] Hello?

- [Paige] Hello?

(owl hooting)
(frogs croaking)

- [Delbert] Hello?

(owl hoots)

Mr. Weeks?

(accordion music)

- Well, what you think o' that?

(frogs croaking)

- That was very nice, thank you.

- Yeah, the trills were
executed beautifully.

Didn't you think?

- Absolutely, yeah.

- Cut the crap.

If you was aliens, you'd be on
the ground writhin' in agony.

- Excuse me?

- Aliens can't stand accordion music.

It's a sound not found in nature.

Frequency is somethin'
that drives 'em apeshit.

Renders 'em helpless.

You know, like how vampires
can't stand garlic.

- Or crucifixes.

- Not foolproof.

I mean, got to be some vampires

that's Jewish or Buddhist or whatever.

I think on this end.

- Uh, Mr. Weeks, what about August 1969?

- Yeah, did you see the
two men, the hunters?

- Sure as hell did.

I saw everything.

Saw 'em drive up in the truck,

wave a white flag at them aliens.

- [Paige] Yeah.

- Offerin' 'em cigarettes.

I tell ya one thing, those guys had balls.

No way in the world you got me down there.

I shit my pants when I saw that door open.

- Yeah, the two men?

- Took 'em.

- The movie people took 'em?

- (scoffs) Weren't no movie company.

They brought in that movie crap later

just to cover their tracks.

They all in this together.

- Who's they?

- The Universe Marketing Consortium.

They got operatives in every
major advertising agency,

national publication,
movie studio, TV network,

and they've consequently infiltrated

every facet of our society.

Insidiously prepared us for invasion,

conquest, and world domination.

- How are they gonna pull off a conspiracy

of this magnitude?

People can't keep a secret for 30 seconds,

let alone 30 years.

- You absolutely right, people can't.

But that's not who we dealin' with here.

I mean, we dealin' with people,

and I use the term loosely, who can listen

to Aretha Franklin and not be affected.

That's who dealin' with here.

Their most diabolical tool
is in action right now.

- And what would that be?

- Now, I'm trustin' you

with some sensitive information here.

- Thank you.

- Easy listenin' music.

You know, like you hear in an elevator

or in a dentist's office.

- Okay, that's it.

We're really late.

Thank you very much, gotta go.

(engine rumbling)

- Oh!

(sighs) Where are we?

- Well, lost.

(Paige sighs)

(chuckles) It's a fitting
end to this quest.

Wandering in the dark.

- Oh.

(laughs)

Oh boy.

(crickets chirping)

Thank you.

- For what?

- For this, the quest.

(Delbert chuckles)

- You're welcome.

It's been really, really weird.

(laughs)

- Yeah, creepy and weird.

(Paige clears throat)

- I think we made a good team, though.

- Yeah, we did.

Thanks.

Very good team.

Very, very good team.

And you've really been a gentleman.

Yeah, you never once tried

to look down my blouse or anything.

(laughs)

- You just never thought I did.

(laughs)

- Well, maybe you're not a gentleman.

But you're a good, kind
man and that's rare.

- Some people would
consider that being a wuss.

- Well not me.

'Cause I know good and I
know kind and you're both.

And you have very good teeth.

Probably the best I've ever seen.

- Please don't bring up
Nixon at a time like this.

- Nixon who?

(romantic orchestral music)

(electricity zapping)

- [Delbert] Huh?

- [Paige] What is it?

Oh!

(UFO whooshing)

(accordion music)

(electricity zapping)

- [Both] Lyman!

(suspenseful orchestral music)

- [Paige] Mr. Weeks!

- [Delbert] Lyman!

- [Paige] Do you see anything?

Oh my gosh, the place is wrecked.

- [Delbert] Lyman!

- [Paige] Try the door.

(ominous music)

(Paige cries out)
(door crashes)

Gah!

(water sprinkling)

- [Delbert] Lyman?

- Is he in there?

Mosley!

(suspenseful orchestral music)

- Well, they disarmed his accordion.

(accordion clangs)

- Oh my God.

- Looks like they took him.

(owl hoots)

- I can't believe this is happening.

(metal clangs)
(Paige screams)

- What the hell?

Universe Marketing Consortium.

You gotta be shitting me.

(electricity zapping)
(dramatic music)

- Oh!

(aircraft whooshing)
(suspenseful orchestral music)

- [Man] Hold it right there.

Put your hands in the air.

(speaking in foreign language)

(helicopter whirring)
(siren wailing)

Hold it right there.

Put your hands in the air.

(speaking in foreign language)

- [Interviewer With
Distorted Voice] How did you

end up with those coordinates?

- What coordinates?

- [Interviewer With Distorted
Voice] The coordinates

where we found you.

- They weren't coordinates to us.

- Wait a minute, why do you wanna know?

What do you want from us?

Who are you goddamn guys?

- [Interviewer With
Distorted Voice] Mr. Mosley,

could you show us what
you have in your pocket?

- [Delbert] You mean this?

- [Interviewer With Distorted Voice] Yes.

Do you have anything to say about it?

- Not really.

(accordion music)

- [Interviewer With Distorted Voice] Okay,

you're free to go.

(door hisses)

- [Paige] Where do we go now?

- [Delbert] We'll go to my place.

We need to regroup.

- There's Mom.

The house on Cartwright.

I still have that doll.

(laughs)

Where's that picture, the Pulitzer one?

- I don't have a copy.

Go ahead, it's the only one in there.

(somber orchestral music)

- Oh my God, this one.

I remember this one.

That poor little girl.

(sighs) I've never been
able to forget her.

- Neither have I.

(mail slot rattles)

Well, that's early.

(Delbert groans)

(Delbert sighs)

Hey, we're back in business.

(clearing throat)

- Dear Delbert?

- Just read.

- "Thank you so much for
your thoughtful letter.

"Nobody else who bought
stuff at my yard sale

"bothered to write a thank you card.

"It's good to know that politeness

"has not yet disappeared
in this land that we love

"even though it's going
to hell in a hand basket,

"just like the Roman Empire
what with pornography,

"recycling, gun control, and everything.

"About the camera, I found it

"while spring cleaning in my attic.

"It had fallen between two studs

"and there it remained hidden

"until my thorough
cleaning discovered it."

Okay, so what Bunny Wells
said then could be true,

that if my father was, you know,

I mean, friendly with
Anne, that's how the camera

could've gotten in the attic.

- Yeah, that could explain it.

Of course there are a
few loose ends to tie up.

- Like what?

- Like the fact that everyone's lying.

- Oh come on, everyone can't be in

on the conspiracy can they?

- Oh, since when is the U.S.
Postal Service this efficient?

And look at the return address.

He lives next to Joleen.

(engine rumbling)

(dog barking)

(knocking at the door)

I got a bad feeling about this.

Joleen!

Joleen!

(knocking at the door)

(handle clicks)
(dramatic music)

(Paige cries out)

Jesus Christ.

(ominous music)

- Mosley?

How bad is it?

Is it really gory?

Mosley?

(dramatic music) Ah!

- Worse than we thought.

They got her accordion.

(accordion clangs)

They took her computer, too.

(dog barking)

(accordion note wheezes)

Come on, we're gonna get some answers.

(knocking at the door)

(dog barking)

Roussell!

(knocking at the door)

Haywood.

- Why don't you try the door?

- Why don't you try the door?

(handle clicks)

(door creaks)

(dog barking)

Hello?

Roussell?

- Well, doesn't seem like
he's a pack rat anymore.

- No.

- What are we looking for anyway?

- We find it, I'll let ya know.

(dog barking)

(eerie music)

Paige, look at this.

Come here, look at this.

- Oh my God.

(sniffing)

Do you smell something?

- What?

- Decomposing bodies.

- No, it just smells like dirt to me.

- Okay.

Wait a minute, where are you going?

- Down.

- Oh God.

(eerie music)

Well, these Christmas lights
certainly make me feel safer.

- Yeah, they do don't they?

(Paige cries out)

(eerie music)

- Tell me I'm not seeing what I'm seeing.

- I should never have inhaled.

- (clears throat) You, um, gonna touch it?

- You gotta be kidding me.

With my record?

This thing comes off its hinges,

it'll squash us like bugs.

- I don't think it has any hinges.

- Exactly.

- Okay.

- No, no, no.

(suspenseful orchestral music)

(electricity hums)
(Paige whimpers)

Well, at least it didn't fall on us.

(electricity zaps)

(door thuds)

- We're goin' in, aren't we?

- We came this far.

- Oh God.

(door thuds)

(electricity zaps)

- That's what I love about people.

- Mm, yes.

They're so predictable.

(Don laughs)

- [Both] Hi.

- Polson?

Bunny?

You're aliens?

- For all intents and purposes.

- Klaatu barada nikto

- I was initiated back in '74.

They took about three feet of their DNA

and spliced it into my
genetic makeup, and here I am.

- I was processed in '69.

That's the year things
really started to happen.

- Why?

What happened in 1969?

- Once you guys set foot on the moon,

our leaders got a little nervous.

You know, in a couple hundred years

you'd be moving in nextdoor and,

well, there'd go the neighborhood.

- What is this place?

- It's wonderful, isn't it?

This little charmer crashed
here in the late Pleistocene.

So it's a fixer upper, but
it's got personality plus.

- It's a classic.

They really knew how to make
'em back then, didn't they?

- Mm.

It's a gem in the rough.

All it needs is a little TLC.

I've asked the Universe
Marketing Consortium

to declare it an historical monument.

We've turned it into one
of our branch offices.

- Branch offices for what?

- What are you doing here?

- What do you guys want?

- Fair questions, fair questions.

- You see, when people think of us

they think of crop rings
and cattle mutilations

and abducting people and
putting plumber snakes

up their butts, (laughs)

but that's not what we're about.

- Three P's.

Potential.

We see a lot of potential here,

A huge market waiting to mature.

Positioning.

We wanna be here in
position when that happens.

And finally, product.

Because it doesn't matter
what your product is.

If we've developed the consumer right,

they'll want everything.

- Products for consumers

and vice versa?

- We have the same problem that you

and the industrialized West
have with the third world.

It's a huge market waiting to happen.

All those starving people wanting things?

They've got nothing you want in exchange.

- So you gotta help 'em
progress and develop

'til they get to the point where you can,

you know, screw 'em.

- And that's exactly
what we're doing here,

basic marketing research
and consumer development.

- Oh, we've made some mistakes, right?

The nudie pens, Euro Disney,

the Ross Perot presidential campaign?

- But we've had some big successes, too.

Microsoft Windows, Rush Limbaugh.

- Little fatty.

(chuckles)

- CNN, Andrew Lloyd Webber.

- The Gap.

- You know Nixon was on to us.

He came close to shutting
us down back in '72,

but we took care of him.

- What about Michael Jackson?

He's one of you guys isn't he?

- No, he's all yours.

- Oh, he asked a bunch of times.

We finally had to ask
Elvis to get his daughter

to run interference for us.

So far so good.

- Would ya like to see some more?

- You want the 25 cent tour?

Oh come on!
- Yeah.

- It's not every day you get
to see a real flying saucer.

(Don chuckles)

(woman laughing)

- The woman at the house.

- New recruit.

She bought a new house, we
kicked in a new life as a bonus.

Kind of an instant
rebate, don't you think?

- There's Colonel Gunner.

He's the one I told you about.

How long has he been one of you?

- Oh he's a veteran.

- Yeah, got in on the ground floor.

He was initiated, well, during that whole

Roswell thing back in '47.

And here's the man responsible

for this whole little brouhaha.

- Roussell was in on this, too?

- Oh don't be silly.

Now you are being paranoid.

- Believe it or not, some things
do slip through the cracks

and that camera was one of them.

We have no idea how he found it.

Neither does he.

- One man's junk is
another man's treasure.

I liked his philosophy.

I wanted to have him onboard.

- And Donna?

- Mm, Donna and I were recruited
at the same time in '69.

She's a damn good actress.

I always thought she was on
the wrong side of the camera.

- Maybe my father's down here.

- [Bunny] Don't dawdle.

- There we are.

- And now it's time for refreshments.

- [Don] Oh, you're gonna love this.

(soft easy listening music)

- What is this?

- This is how we turn you into us.

- With graham crackers and milk?

- Yeah.

Well, ya feel like hell
for a couple hours,

you lose some skin, but
then you're good as new.

- Better.

- So, what are you saying?

We get with the program or you kill us?

- Oh, don't be melodramatic.

We are advanced lifeforms.

We don't just kill people.

Unless we wanna eat them.

And you look kind of stringy.

(aliens laugh)

Oh, relax.

Sick alien humor.

Lighten up.

- Oh come on.

- So, what do you intend to do with us?

- Are you sure you don't wanna join us?

- No!

I mean, yes.

No, we don't.

(Don grunts)

- Okay, you can go.

- Well, don't you need to hypnotize us

or wipe our memories clean or anything?

- Why would we wanna do that?

- So we don't talk about this?

- Oh, you can talk all you want.

- Oh, okay.

Well then what if we go to the media?

- Paige, they are the media.

- Products for consumers...

- And vice versa.

Yes, I remember.

Thanks.

- Oh yeah?

Well, we'll do it ourselves.

We'll break this thing wide open.

We're gonna tell the whole
world about you people.

- Well, good luck.

Take care.

Drink lots of water.

- Don't forget to floss.

- Okay, bring 'em back.

(Paige and Delbert grunt)

If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

Now sit down.

(both grunting)

- Very good, Haywood.

Now, why don't you bring in the others.

- Yes, Miss Wells.

Anything for you.

- Isn't he sweet?

He's a big fan of my acting days.

- [Haywood] What's wrong with you people?

- Hey.

Hey!

I know you want me, you gonad.

- Get in there.

- See?

I told ya they wouldn't do it.

(laughs)

- It's here if you want it.

- They'll come around.

They always do.

(door hisses)

(soft classical music)

(Paige clears her throat)

- Don't even think about it.

- Watch out.

He may look like a dumb
shit, but he's a mean mother.

Give me an Indian burn still
hurt like a sum' bitch.

Wait a minute, what are you doin'?

- Mosley, what are you gonna do?

- If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

- Oh, Mosley, don't.

- You'll be sorry.

Once they start dickin' with
your DNA there's no goin' back.

- Chicken shit.

- You wanna end up with a penis curved

like the space-time continuum?

(Paige gasps)

- Haywood, here's to you.

Without you none of
this would be possible.

(milk splashes)

- (laughs) Now there's a surprise move.

Didn't ya think I saw that
comin' from a mile away?

I watch Matlock.

- I tried that once, too.

- Ditto.

- [Haywood] Well somebody's gonna have to

clean this milk up, 'cause...

(accordion music blaring)
(Haywood screams)

(foot thuds)
(Haywood grunts)

(group cheers)

- You got him right in the gift basket.

All right, let's go.

(Haywood grunting)

Alien scum!

Come on, come on.

Move it!

(accordion music blaring)
(suspenseful orchestral music)

- [Lyman] So long, sucker!

(laughs)

(women whimpering)

(accordion music blaring)
(aliens screaming)

- No, I don't know what button it is.

(shouting)

- I don't know, I don't know.

- [Delbert] I don't know either.

The red button.

(door whooshing)

- Excuse me.

Excuse me.

- What, what?

- Look out!

(women scream)

(door crashes)

(alarm blaring)

- Holy shit on a biscuit.

Let's go.

Get!

- [Paige] Oh, come on!

- [Joleen] Come on, Paige,
get your butt in gear.

- I am!

- [Lyman] Come on, move along!

- [Paige] No!

- [Joleen] Let's go!

- Come on, come on, come on.

- [Paige] Come on!

Everybody get in my car.

- [Joleen] You think my
hair's gonna fit in there?

(horn honking)

- Get in!

Come on, there's no time to waste.

- What?

Are you crazy?

- [Emmett] Come on, don't stand there

arguing with me, get in.

- No, I think we can trust him.

- [Joleen] Hello?

You were just attacked by aliens?

- [Delbert] Come on, let's go!

- [Joleen] You people are crazy.

- [Emmett] Get in!

- [Paige] Go!

(suspenseful orchestral music)

- Ah, this great.

Now what are we gonna do?

(engine cranks)

Hop in, boys.

- Daddy?

- Hang on tight.

(tires screech)

There.

I think we lost 'em.

- Where the hell did they go?

Any vibes, fellas?

(electronic zapping)

(Paige crying)

- Oh, I've gotcha now, baby.

My baby girl.

I've gotcha now.

Oh, I missed you.

I missed your mom, too.

(Paige sobbing)

- Well, why?

Why didn't you ever come back to us?

- I couldn't.

I mean, I loved you too much.

It was too dangerous.

(uplifting orchestral music)

But I'm back now.

I'm back with my baby girl now.

(fist knocking)

- Come on.

Come on, you're gonna make
me blow chunks outta my nose.

Let's get outta here
before they double back.

Come on!

Come on.
- They went thata way.

- Coast is clear.

Take off!

Go!

Zoom away!

(truck rumbling)

Learn how to drive,
Davis, for Christ's sake!

- [Lyman] Come on, let's go!

- Let's go!

These are aliens!

(engine revs) Oh God.

Burn rubber, you dipstick!

- They were dragging Roy up the ramp,

but before they could get to me,

I shoved that old Brownie
into a rabbit hole.

You know, hoping someone
would discover it.

Like putting a note in a bottle.

I wanted you to understand what happened.

Roy ate the graham crackers.

Mine, too.

That's how I got away.

But by that time I knew too
much and they wanted me.

Oh, they wanted me bad.

I could never contact you directly.

That's why I had Nixon come by to see you.

Now he's gone.

I've been fighting them alone ever since.

- There they are, up there!

(electronic zapping)

- Hey, move it!

We got cosmic gerbils climbin' up our ass!

- And they mean business!

- Don't worry, gentlemen.

We're not gonna lose 'em this time.

(suspenseful orchestral music)

(tires screech)

- Hey, Davis, for Christ's
sake this is no time

to drain the weasel.

- Come on, let's do this as a group.

- Yeah!

We've got 'em cornered.

Like bugs in a rug.

(bugs buzzing)

Sorry, guys.

(suspenseful orchestral music)

(tires screech)

- [Emmett] And one and
two and a one, two, three.

(accordion music)
(group laughing)

(aliens screeching)

(laughing)

- [Joleen] Take that, baldies!

- Wow!

(siren blaring)

- I better radio the fire department.

And stop playin' that shit!

(explosion booms)

What the hell happened here?

- Uh, I'd be careful, officer.

You don't what's...

(styrofoam hissing)

- [Lyman] Smokin'!

- I'm waiting for an explanation
and it better be good.

- Huh, well, you're not gonna believe this

but those people chasing
us, they were aliens.

- Uh-huh.

- Those space lizards
tried to make us drink milk

and eat graham crackers.

- (laughs) Accordions what done 'em in.

(laughs)

- I have them strategically
stockpiled in toilets

all over the country just
in case they're needed.

- Now, I know why I never liked
that popcorn packing crap.

(playful orchestral music)

(cash register beeping)

("Mexican Radio" by Wall of Voodoo)

- She likes doin' the crossword puzzle.

What are you doin' with that rag?

You're embarrassing me.

Put it down.

- Inquiring minds want to know.

(keyboard music)

(electronic zapping)

("Mexican Radio" by Wall of Voodoo)

(dramatic orchestral music)

(Multicom Jingle)