Our Precious Children (2003) - full transcript
Little Camille, please meet
her mother at the store entrance.
Camille?
- Are you Camille?
- Yes.
Come on.
Let's go find your mummy.
Will they let me keep my sweets?
Where have you been?
Mummy nearly died of fright!
Martin!
What are you doing here?
Hi.
My daughter, Cerise.
You have a kid?
Me too. Two.
Camille and Emma.
Where are you living?
- Are you married?
- Yeah.
I'm married too.
Not very original, but...
This is crazy!
How long has it been?
It's been for ever.
It's been... ages.
I better go. I haven't finished.
- I better finish too.
- I have to buy minced meat.
- Well, see you then.
- Bye.
- In 5 years' time!
- Right!
Let's call each other.
- I'll give you my number.
- OK.
Here.
How about the holidays?
Going anywhere?
My country house in the Aubrac.
- Family, family!
- Right.
- Actually we're going with friends.
- Us too. To the Gers.
Friends of Arnaud, my husband.
It's not far from you.
We could drop in.
Yeah. Why not?
- If it bothers you, say so.
- No...
It sounds great.
I'm so glad you think so.
Already?
Peek-a-boo, Anna.
- Guess who I met.
- Don't know.
Constance.
My ex.
All right, I know.
It's funny.
She has two kids, she's married...
- It was nice seeing her.
- Wasn't she a bitch?
No, she was really nice.
She's hardly changed.
To look at, I mean.
They're holidaying in the Gers...
Change the subject.
I don't want to know about your ex.
OUR PRECIOUS CHILDREN
A lovely giraffe
in lots of colours!
What prat has parked there?
Hello.
Well, well!
I found my way
like it was yesterday.
- Back of beyond, eh!
- Arnaud, my husband.
You know Camille.
Something to drink?
Tea, coffee?
- Tea.
- Coffee.
Leave it. I'll do it.
She was a bit surprised to see us.
Plus, we woke her up.
At 11.
With a kid, that's rare.
I'm telling you, no way!
- This is too much!
- I didn't think they'd come.
- You invited them, didn't you?
- But just like that.
- Not really.
- I don't care!
Sort it out. Get rid of them!
But, honey...
How's daddy's big milky melon?
Your breath stinks!
No. It's Constance.
That's right!
Yes. Two lovely little girls.
And a big husband.
- Who is it?
- Martin's mum.
Hello? I'll pass you to Ariane.
A big kiss, Monique.
Sure. Big kiss. Bye.
Monique? Martin's busy.
He'll call back.
Thanks. Bye.
She's as friendly as ever!
- Who was it?
- Your mum.
Thanks. Very nice of you.
Ariane's changing Cerise.
No, she's not. She's here.
You breastfeed?
We didn't want to.
That does me in.
More and more women won't do it.
- I'm off shopping.
- I'll come with you.
- I can do it alone.
- No. I insist.
It's a market.
I'll buy the newspapers
and meet you at the café, okay?
- Here.
- We'll settle up later.
- But we forced ourselves on you.
- Don't. It's not right.
Let's not fight over 500 francs.
Take it.
So, you're back then?
Hello. How's things?
We got here last night.
- What will it be?
- I need lots of things.
Have you changed your hair?
It suits you.
Thanks.
Let's start with 2 kg of tomatoes.
Right you are.
Good girl. That's it.
Oh shit!
I'm sick of being filthy.
Blokes have got it all right.
What blokes? The handicapped?
Martin knows how to pick a melon.
Yes, but Martin...
Martin is Martin.
Arnaud hardly sees the girls.
So as for the rest...
Our mothers didn't fight
for us to be just like them.
My mother didn't exactly fight.
She just screwed around
in the name of equality...
Hardly met and already rabbiting!
Crazy!
I'll do a cutlet for Camille.
Don't bother. Constance'll do it.
- So, what line are you in?
- I'm a musician.
What kind?
I'm a cellist
in a chamber music ensemble.
I won't offer to help.
I'm half-blind.
What do you do?
I make money.
Once the creche director knew
I was in advertising, it was no.
Plus she really wound me up.
"Looking for work?
So you're not working now?"
How does the cow think
I have time
to contact companies
with a baby in tow?
It's whether they like your face.
And as I represent all she hates...
We found a place right opposite us.
- Lucky sods!
- Told you to vote socialist.
Right, I'm drunk.
Mummy, Emma's crying.
She must be hungry.
If you don't produce enough milk...
I do!
It all has to go.
You want me to get fat?
What does your paediatrician say?
He's an arsehole.
I never take his advice.
He writes books
and charges 500 francs a time.
- 500 francs?
- Yeah.
For 2½ minutes.
Not even time to ask a question.
Mind you, he is pro-breastfeeding.
More and more doctors
are questioning it.
I don't agree.
- It's your guilt...
- Cheese, anyone?
Hold your horses,
we're discussing.
This discussion will
end up an argument.
An argument?
Grow up, Mama!
Mama?
What a nickname!
Well you call Camille "Caca".
It's bath time.
I'm taking a nap, I'm exhausted.
A nap during rush hour?
She should copyright that one.
Your wife's very sensitive.
Sounds funny saying "your wife".
No one's forcing you to.
I understand, mind you.
My being here is stressing her out.
Even if I am cool.
Haven't I mellowed?
That's motherhood.
Just what I thought when I saw you:
"She's mellowed."
You've progressed
since the old days.
Arnaud doesn't know about us.
Or he wouldn't have come.
He swept me up after you left me.
He said if ever he met the guy
who'd so upset me,
he'd kill him.
No kidding?
Did you meet Ariane
long after we split up?
About two and a half years.
I fell for Arnaud on the rebound.
Good. That way you weren't upset
for too long.
He understood I wanted a child
and wham bam, thank you ma'am!
Like rabbits, if you get my drift.
Both times I got pregnant
straight away.
- And you?
- We had trouble.
Here's a tip for next time...
Doggy style.
I can't believe
you were ever with such a woman.
Listen to that silence.
Fantastic, isn't it?
All this space makes me anxious.
Endless greenery,
silence, the night...
I suddenly start missing the city.
One minute,
I find the city reassuring,
the next,
my view gets totally twisted
and I feel
that the city can't help me,
that it's the whole galaxy
that fills me with anxiety,
that I'm claustrophobic on Earth.
And that's terrible.
It's like we're infinitesimal
in infinite space.
It makes my head spin.
Are you listening?
What can we do about that?
It's awful.
Don't.
That makes me even more anxious.
I don't know...
Relax me.
No! I'm not ready.
That birth traumatised me.
We still need to wait.
Goodnight.
- Morning, son.
- Morning, Mrs Balland.
Hello, you gorgeous little angel.
What did you call her?
- Anna-Cerise.
- Crazy parents!
- How old are you then?
- 4 months.
You're younger than my Jennifer.
I became a grandma 5½ months ago.
My baby granddaughter's wonderful.
She adores me.
What will it be?
A cottage loaf, please.
Simon?
Constance!
- Amazing!
- What are you doing here?
Incredible!
What are you doing here?
- Who's this then?
- Claire... Constance.
- And...
- Jean-Marc. Hi.
Jean-Marc. Sorry.
And Yoyo. My son.
Your son?
You're a father?
- And you're the mother!
- Not at all.
You didn't drive with him
in the front?
He's going back by bike!
Let's not hang about.
Come on, Yoyo, let's go.
He's so cute!
He's your spitting image.
He's not mine.
He's Claire's.
She's worried Jean-Marc'll scram,
so she asked me...
- That's a laugh, right? -
..to play the role
of a single dad.
And everyone knows except him?
Right.
Very funny.
This is Jean-Marc.
Nice to meet you.
Claire told us a lot about you.
- All good, I hope.
- Sure.
Arnaud Berthin.
Constance's husband.
She's Martin's childhood friend.
Jean-Marc. Biker.
Claire.
Claire.
I'll give you the tour.
It's like a 4-star hotel here.
You haven't changed.
Neither have you.
It's easy to become happy.
You have to take control.
Martin didn't say you were coming.
He didn't know.
We surprised him.
And now you're here, we're staying.
Come to daddy, Yoyo.
All right, you big pansy?
Simon, our photographer... Arnaud.
That 4x4 must cost a packet.
Yes. A nice little toy.
- Got it!
- No!
Mine!
Blimey, he's good.
- Move your arse!
- This sucks.
It's like tennis:
arm relaxed, wrist stiff!
He's a sports teacher.
Do what he says.
- Sports teacher?
- In a little school.
- Any advice on weight loss?
- Stop eating.
Every morning,
an hour of long-distance.
That'll sort you.
He's on holiday. Leave him be.
It'd sort you as well, Big Mac.
Coffee!
You even made coffee?
Big softy!
Lovely biscuits.
- Did you make them?
- In the night.
Shall we carry on, babe?
Shuttlecock then real cock!
- They're all over each other.
- Does it bother you?
Does it shock you?
No. It's just like seeing two
teenagers discovering their bodies.
Don't be so boring.
They're in love.
They're excited
by not knowing each other.
What?
You depress me.
I don't depress you.
Reality does.
The tossers have axed Djorkaeff!
It's funny being at this house.
It brings back memories.
Of fights, arguments...
You're not here
to settle scores, are you?
Leave it out!
I have my doubts.
You've completely lost it.
If we can't be friends
after 5 years...
Stop there.
We'll never be "friends".
Hi, everyone.
Why didn't you wake me?
Have you seen the time?
- Hello, darling.
- Hello, gorgeous.
- This is Jean-Marc.
- Here he is at last.
Ariane. Claire's best friend.
- Delighted.
- You weren't lying.
You ain't seen nothing yet.
Don't get up, Simon!
Roger.
Ping-pong, Mama?
Of course, old chap.
Not Anna. I just left her.
- How was her poo today?
- Superb.
- It's Yoyo, Simon.
- No. I'll go.
Can't get two minutes peace!
Shall I go?
Can't say I don't offer.
Isn't Jean-Marc a bit dim?
This kid thing's ridiculous.
I'm ridiculous.
I can't change nappies.
I have 10 days holiday a year.
I'm fed up.
- Give her the baby back.
- The one time she has a bloke?
How does she lie to him
with such aplomb?
It's funny seeing Constance here.
- What does Ariane say?
- She's on my case.
She wants you
to make a clean break.
What do you mean?
That you're happy to see
Constance.
No ambiguity, of course.
Of course.
Prick.
She feels good
in your house, eh?
She doesn't want to leave.
I didn't know
I'd feel like this, all right?
I see everything.
- I'm a sports teacher.
- Is that right?
Out of coffee?
In a little school.
Hello.
There's a bloke with a crate.
- I brought some lettuces.
- You shouldn't have.
They're lovely.
Well, I won't keep you.
What do I owe you?
You're beautiful.
- Bee sting?
- The pig kissed me.
See, blokes do fancy you.
- Is that your reaction?
- I think it's funny.
At least be jealous.
Jealous? Why?
He kissed me. Didn't you hear?
I'll go and beat him up then.
Leave it to me.
Tough, getting that group humour.
- Quite a skill.
- Right.
Give me time, I'll get into it.
My big bear.
We'll take a walk.
No telly, I suppose?
That's it!
Come on!
Shit, shit, shit!
Jesus!
Un-bloody-believable.
Cottage loaf, please.
I'm on holiday here
and need a nanny.
- Do you know anyone?
- For this big one?
Her and her little sister,
whose mum is exhausted.
What about the dad?
Not his thing.
Aren't you Martin's ex?
- I didn't recognise you.
- 5 years on and 2 kids!
- I'll sort you out.
- Thanks.
Why don't you just
tell Jean-Marc the truth?
- You think I should?
- Of course.
If he loves you, he'll stay.
Or else he's a dick.
You're right.
You're mad!
You'll ruin it if you tell him.
You think so?
Seeing us bogged down
with kids all day,
talking of nothing else, moaning,
knackered and filthy all day,
he'll be glad to put it off.
I don't agree.
We make other people want them.
Dream on.
I had piles too. It was awful.
Want some carrots for Camille?
You gave Yoyo carrots yesterday.
It'll bung him up.
He needs variety.
- I don't pay attention.
- Tell me more
about your piles.
- I had an op.
- And my therapy was in a slump.
- Therapy?
- Blimey!
- I'm having a do to celebrate.
A big party at a friend's house.
- You're taking it well.
- When you're dumped
3 months' pregnant,
you need more than friends.
You were dumped pregnant?
- Yeah.
- The shit!
Blokes can't handle
women's bodies changing.
Just because yours was an arsehole,
doesn't mean all men are.
Martin's wonderful.
We'd all like one like that.
He was really cool
about your frigidity.
She thought
that when they made love,
Anna-Cerise
was trying to stop them.
Out of cruelty. Right, Ariane?
Constance? Ready?
- Right with you.
- Come on.
Jean-Marc, can you look after her?
Pack it in.
- She's Martin's ex.
- What?
No?
Sorry.
I wouldn't mind Arnaud
going frigid.
A bloke horny round the clock
is hell.
- Arnaud?
- A beast.
Careful with those.
I'll hand-wash them.
You're a sweetie.
What are your bids?
80 hearts.
90 spades.
- 100 hearts.
- Pass.
- What's for dinner?
- Bangers.
Pass.
Is it soon?
I don't want a late night.
We're playing cards, honey.
She's right.
They take a while.
- Simon, take over.
- Sure.
Come on, over we go.
- Shall I take him?
- No. It's all right.
Shall I teach you the rules?
- I hate cards. And winning.
- Belote.
Right. Bedtime.
Say goodnight.
Right, jimjams, pee, teeth,
then mummy will be up.
- Want a hand?
- No way.
Old bachelor's habits.
I'd like a drink though.
To us.
- To our families.
- To you.
- I'm glad you're here.
- Yes. It's nice.
Lucky we squatted.
And Arnaud loves it.
You're very beautiful.
You prat!
My baby, I'm sorry.
He dropped his kid.
Someone tell me what's going on.
Yoyo's not mine. He's Claire's.
- This is a loony bin.
- Really?
- I can smell burning.
- What's all this?
She was so scared of losing you.
- She always mucks up.
- Enough.
You must have had
a real laugh at me.
Playing dad throughout the journey.
I didn't know.
Did you, pussycat?
Why didn't you say?
Dinner's ready!
I love lucky dips.
What a fool.
What is there in your bag?
- So now you're lying?
- This isn't the time.
It's stupid
hiding a thing like that.
Why lie to me about a trifle?
Hey, it's important to me.
Arnaud, you're pissing us all off.
- Enough.
- It's always you.
- You, you, you.
- Enough, I said!
- You're ridiculous!
- Shut the fuck up!
Don't fight for my sake.
Things'll work out.
This isn't a joke?
You're not pulling my leg?
Right, doesn't anyone
like bangers here?
Every time I told a guy I had a kid
he was off.
The first one ran
the moment I got pregnant.
I'm sure he was gay.
He kept contradicting me.
Then I had a breakdown:
not one guy during my pregnancy.
Then I met Laurent.
I told him right off.
I was breastfeeding,
I couldn't hide it.
He left.
Then Bobo.
My shrink told me to be honest.
What a joke!
He wasn't the one, that's all.
I told Thomas Colino
and Thomas Praya immediately.
Same thing.
And for my neighbour Olivier.
He knew before we got together.
Of course.
Missing without trace.
Then some I told, some I didn't.
I couldn't tell some guy I picked up
my life story over breakfast.
And then...
Then it was you.
Sorry. I should've told you,
but I couldn't.
- You must find me stupid.
- No.
You're right to be angry,
me lumbering you with a kid.
I'm not angry.
I'm even ready
to help you bring him up.
All I ask you is this:
spare me the details
of your past love life!
Your sordid tales
of blokes you screwed
in nightclub bogs!
I can't sleep.
I'm wandering around.
Did they wake her?
No. She's sleeping badly.
Sorry. I don't know why
she's crying.
This is a tantrum, Emma.
Mummy doesn't like tantrums.
Does she never sleep through?
Cerise was amazing.
She slept through immediately.
Maybe she's done a poo?
Did you do a poo?
Did you do a poo?
I've always been fascinated
by the ease with which
mothers show their breasts.
Those that breastfeed, anyway.
How many people
have seen yours today?
But if I said to you,
"Constance,
I want to see your breasts",
you'd be shocked and refuse.
Wouldn't you?
Constance,
I want to see your breasts.
I wonder if they've changed.
Enough. Go to bed.
So you like your new panties?
Calmed down, have you?
Come here.
Give me a cuddle.
Sorry about earlier.
I really want you.
You're so sweet together.
A nice cottage loaf, please.
Come with me.
I want you to taste
something life-changing.
Taste that.
That's pure love.
Here, son.
- Bye.
- Thanks.
I spoke to my niece.
I told her to drop by
to discuss money.
You're remarkable.
What's all that about?
Her niece sells fresh eggs.
- They're good for kids.
- Yes. Great.
Sorry about last night.
I was a bit drunk.
I hardly recognise you
in your new-man role,
my fiery old Martin.
That's not me.
Sorry about last night, ladies.
Each to his own neurosis.
This is Marjorie.
Arnaud Berthin. Charmed.
Sorry about last night, Simon.
Whatever...
Pass the tea.
Simon, in both our interests,
I've decided not to speak to you
till tomorrow morning.
If it helps, Claire.
Pass me the sugar.
Your problem really pains me.
It hasn't improved over the years.
- Can I use your spoon?
- You're still a child.
Incapable of taking
any responsibility.
Self-centred
with no take on real life.
It's a real problem!
I'll tell you what my problem is:
you breaking my balls!
You should see your shrink
3 times a week.
Right then, I'm off.
Bye.
- I'll drive you.
- No. Don't bother.
Simon, you're so...
Just sex, baby.
Till love comes along.
The bread!
Shit.
The bread.
Since when did you make
your own jam?
Since you were shacked up
with Ariane?
You'd have looked
a prat on your own.
I've always enjoyed it.
You're an old fart.
Can I ask you something?
Look at that lovely bramble.
Go ahead.
I don't know
what Claire expects of me.
Be yourself. Be natural.
Taste that.
Yeah, right.
But it's easy for you.
You do the biz, everything's easy.
You're good looking, married,
got a lovely daughter,
nice house, money...
- You're a winner.
- Finished?
It freaks people out.
Let me tell you something.
I'm going back to square one.
I'm gonna drive off
and leave it all behind.
Leave with the woman I love.
Really?
Only kidding.
Got me again.
What Claire's offering
is wonderful.
You give up stuff,
but it's real life.
Think she wants me
to look after her kid?
What, do you think she loves you?
Of course she does.
This is so good.
I can tell you're a good cook
by the way you eat.
You can tell lots
by the way people eat.
Look at me.
You can tell I'm an oaf,
but a nice oaf.
I'm happy.
I've been cooking non-stop
and that's my first compliment.
I do it with cumin.
Try it. It's great.
You can tell
cooking's not your thing.
- True.
- Hello.
I'm Mme Balland's niece.
Oh, yes. Hello.
Well, that's Yoyo.
The others are asleep.
- What's all this?
- Oh, sorry.
- This is...
- Carole Boissonade.
She's come to free us from slavery.
Hang on, what's all this?
Sorry, there's been
a misunderstanding.
- You could've told us.
- We thought you'd be pleased.
Looking after your kids
is ethical.
- And economical.
- 400 francs is nothing.
- Speak for yourself.
- It changes nothing for you.
- Sorry?
- You don't do anything anyway.
I didn't ask you to do everything.
You refuse help.
You want to do everything.
You're best at cooking,
washing-up, ironing...
Everyone's paralysed.
So stop moaning.
Someone's offering to help.
So leave it out.
I must be dreaming.
You've always been
against nannies and cleaners.
Yeah, they nick his work!
If you spent less time in bed
you'd see we had a kid
and that changes things.
And Constance can do as she likes.
No. This is my house.
All right. Forget it.
I'm really sorry, Carole.
You're weird,
not wanting to see
your kids on holiday
when it's the only time
you can see them.
Have kids then speak.
Maybe not.
- It makes you touchy.
- They were cool once.
Look, Carole,
it's best if I drive you home.
If you like.
Okay then. Come on.
We're going to the lake!
We're going to the lake!
We're leaving tomorrow.
We'll spend our last afternoon
at the lake.
Let's go and pick some flowers.
Come on, Caca.
Stop. It's horrible, women who...
- Who what?
- It's horrible.
It's freezing!
- You're so sexy.
- Change the record, please!
It's a compliment.
Look, I know you fancy me,
but I'm so knackered I don't care.
All I do fucking care about
is sleep.
Charming.
From now on, we share chores.
You'll see to the kids.
- They're yours, aren't they?
- What's up?
You bore me, Arnaud.
I can take your machismo.
But I won't live with an egoist.
- You've never spoken like this.
- I'm ashamed of you, Arnaud.
In the forest, a big deer
Saw right through the window clear
A bunny rabbit coming near
And this is what he said
"Deer, deer, open up
"Or the hunter'll cut me up"
"Bunny, you're welcome under
my roof
"Come and shake my hoof"
Take this down...
A duck. A lovely duck.
Loo roll.
Mustard. Tabasco.
Carrots. 2 kilos.
Butter. Cream. Olive oil.
5 bottles of Ricard.
Aubergines.
2 nice aubergines.
Pears.
Ham.
Dark chocolate.
Sleep with her
if you think it'll help us.
We're what counts, right?
We can't go on like this.
We're heading into a wall.
Go on, I know you're dying to!
Nappies.
Baby wipes.
Q-tips.
More calvados, anyone?
I'm going to bed.
Shall I wait for you?
One more and I'll be up.
I need sex!
He's a lost cause.
Do you and Ariane screw much?
Sure. No. Well...
Normally.
What does "normally" mean?
I dunno...
- What are all these questions?
- I'm interested.
Surprise!
You want to know
if I have an amazing sex life
after two years of marriage
and a 4-month-old?
Frankly...
no.
That's mine.
I don't know how you stand kids.
You drink.
I'm in a real mess, Simon.
I've fallen back in love with her.
And you're just chucking
Ariane and your daughter?
Blended families do exist.
Don't talk crap.
Open your eyes, Martin.
You're good looking, married,
got a lovely daughter,
a nice house, Ariane's really...
Shut up.
You're all pissing me off.
I know you're right.
I know it's stupid
and that I won't do it.
Anyway, they're off tomorrow
and it's over.
That's enough.
Be quiet and let my lady sleep.
There.
Well?
All under control.
Martin been giving you lessons?
Didn't you give him water?
- It's elementary.
- Don't move.
This is a parallel world
I didn't know.
What are you doing?
Undressing so I don't wake Ariane.
Come.
- How are you today?
- Croissant, please.
That bad, eh?
You've got it.
As usual.
Is he in a bad mood?
Someone been upsetting him?
Let your favourite baker
give you a cuddle.
My poor old thing.
- Early bird!
- Can I have a word?
- Shall I watch her?
- No thanks.
What do you think this is?
- A hotel?
- I feel lonely in a double bed.
Please stop bringing
your whores back here.
- My whores?
- Exactly.
Do what you like,
but do it elsewhere.
You're like my mother.
Just because I'm 30
and haven't chosen
to settle down
doesn't mean you can insult me.
I'm enjoying life.
And I find you all sad
and annoying.
I won't stay and watch you
have a bad time.
I'll pack up and go.
Shit.
How far we going, guys?
I'm hitting the road at noon.
- Laguiole all right?
- How far?
- 20 K.
- Jesus. You're mad.
- He's right. Step on it.
- What's the point?
Oh, Christ, it hurts.
The old ticker's playing up.
This lark will kill me.
- You got a history?
- No. Just kidding.
That cow Constance
dumped me last night.
These things happen.
Not to us. We're right on.
It's hanky panky every night.
That's how you keep a bird.
If you don't know that,
you're lost.
Change gear.
Right, lads, crank it up!
We're splitting up.
But if you try
to see Constance again,
I'll smash your face in, all right?
Hang on a sec.
- What are you on about?
- Don't think I'm thick.
She's not even my type.
- Enough!
- Okay.
Anything wrong?
Nothing. Keep going.
I didn't want to come here.
But it's nice.
If there was a golf course
I'd stay longer.
There is a golf course.
See, no worries.
Everything's fine, Mama.
Stop it, this is silly.
I'm out of sorts. Forgive me.
Sometimes I feel I hate Martin.
Surely that's not love.
Stop treating him like your nanny.
I know it's tough being yourself
when you're parents.
You're the crazy proof of that.
But he's still your bloke.
Your bloke, not your mother.
The bloke who makes you come.
Well, I hope he does.
Okay.
Right then... I'll stay.
Arnaud's decided
to stay a day more.
I'm baking.
Oh, sorry!
I'll get dressed.
Stop looking at me like that.
You do that?
Why?
I'm gonna throw.
Don't be ridiculous.
Don't you realise
everyone envies you guys?
You're such a happy couple.
- Look, you're...
- Shut up!
You've a lovely daughter.
So what?
And what about Ariane?
She's a fantastic woman.
- You're freaking me out.
- I hope so.
I also hope you feel guilty.
You're out of order.
We just had a kiss, that's all.
You can't. It's not you.
You're a good guy.
No! I'm a wanker, Claire!
Anything wrong?
I ate the last Babybel.
Claire wanted it.
Right.
To the holidays!
Camille! To bed!
- What are you up to?
- Can't you tell?
Demonstrating over work time.
Why do you smack your kid?
Can't you get the same thing
without violence?
No. Plus it lets off steam.
That's the crux of the problem.
Kids should be seen, not heard.
No one dies from a smack.
82% of criminals
were beaten by their parents.
82% is huge.
You're trapped in a model
that stops you questioning yourself.
I don't understand.
- Look, I solve things.
- It'll come back at you.
- But I'll see it coming.
- You won't, Arnaud.
- Sorry.
- Exercise doesn't suit you.
I'll make a coffee to wake me up.
Be careful
or you'll end up paying for it.
I'm leaving.
And you're coming with me.
As impulsive as ever.
I left you on a whim...
and got my fingers burnt.
Us meeting again is a sign.
This is no whim.
I know exactly what I'm doing.
It's all I think about
day and night.
I want to carry on with you.
I can't leave everything
just like that.
I know what I'd lose,
not what I'd gain.
We know each other, Constance.
But you've changed.
And so have I.
We're made for each other.
I know.
I know.
I'm leaving, whatever.
I can't go on lying.
I'm clearing the table.
Get the camera
to immortalise the event.
Cork!
Bitch!
All right, I'm eliminated.
- I'll ref.
- No. It's dog eat dog.
I see. I'll get revenge then.
Faster. It's more fun.
One, two, three.
One, two, three.
Cork! No. Sorry.
Eliminated.
- It wasn't on purpose.
- It's only a game.
- Are you drunk, Claire?
- Eliminated!
- Leave off, will you.
- Chill.
Eliminated!
She's winding me up!
What do you want?
- Eliminated!
- Ladies! It's just a game.
What's your problem?
- Come on out with it.
- Pussycat.
Lost your bottle?
- Nothing to say as usual.
- Stop. She's drunk.
She apologises.
Right... Whose deal?
Where the hell is he?
Probably gone for a spin
to get some air.
I called his mobile,
but he won't answer.
Look...
I'll babysit tonight.
You guys can go to a club.
Leave it out.
See. The storm has passed.
Not without
your dark cloud though.
Martin better not be too long.
She's found a replacement.
- I'm in a spot.
- What?
When we get to Paris,
I'm gonna dump Claire.
No kidding?
I like women to be real women.
I like to bed them
and care for them.
I don't like mollycoddling
or competition.
You hide it well.
I could never be like you.
You need to be mature.
Going on holiday
to my wife's ex's place...
I couldn't do it.
But you're cool.
Have a dance, granddad.
- We're going.
- I'll go with Jean-Marc later.
- He's been drinking.
- Go on, I'm having fun.
You'll come with me
and stop taking the piss!
What's going on?
Fucking hell! My car!
The bitch! Jesus! My car!
The bitch took my car.
And where's Ariane?
I could only find her poncho.
They're starting to piss me off.
Hey, Ariane's not a rocket.
Ariane, we're going!
See you next year.
How are we getting home?
This'll do!
"...a fast zoom for the brain
"and a close-up of the entrails."
Daddy!
Where have you been?
It's 8 o'clock.
What am I supposed to do
with four kids?
- Did you feed her?
- I wasn't going to let her starve.
- Where's mummy?
- She's walking home.
Shut up before I whack you!
You shut up, you rich arsehole!
- Here, Jean-Luc.
- Jean-Marc!
Jean-Marc, give me a hand
to move the kids.
Kids, the story continues elsewhere.
- They're together.
- Don't start.
What a drama queen.
They've gone together.
No, they haven't.
You're losing it big time.
She came and got him.
I can feel it.
You've got such a twisted mind.
Constance is satisfied.
She has a marvellous husband,
a 600,000-franc 4x4,
gifted children.
What would she do
with a plonker musician?
- Naive sod.
- Frigid cow.
I saw them getting off
in the bathroom.
- Since when do you bite your nails?
- The day I got married.
I like your little porkers.
I'm not sorry you left me.
You know how to make babies now.
I always told you
we'd grow old together.
her mother at the store entrance.
Camille?
- Are you Camille?
- Yes.
Come on.
Let's go find your mummy.
Will they let me keep my sweets?
Where have you been?
Mummy nearly died of fright!
Martin!
What are you doing here?
Hi.
My daughter, Cerise.
You have a kid?
Me too. Two.
Camille and Emma.
Where are you living?
- Are you married?
- Yeah.
I'm married too.
Not very original, but...
This is crazy!
How long has it been?
It's been for ever.
It's been... ages.
I better go. I haven't finished.
- I better finish too.
- I have to buy minced meat.
- Well, see you then.
- Bye.
- In 5 years' time!
- Right!
Let's call each other.
- I'll give you my number.
- OK.
Here.
How about the holidays?
Going anywhere?
My country house in the Aubrac.
- Family, family!
- Right.
- Actually we're going with friends.
- Us too. To the Gers.
Friends of Arnaud, my husband.
It's not far from you.
We could drop in.
Yeah. Why not?
- If it bothers you, say so.
- No...
It sounds great.
I'm so glad you think so.
Already?
Peek-a-boo, Anna.
- Guess who I met.
- Don't know.
Constance.
My ex.
All right, I know.
It's funny.
She has two kids, she's married...
- It was nice seeing her.
- Wasn't she a bitch?
No, she was really nice.
She's hardly changed.
To look at, I mean.
They're holidaying in the Gers...
Change the subject.
I don't want to know about your ex.
OUR PRECIOUS CHILDREN
A lovely giraffe
in lots of colours!
What prat has parked there?
Hello.
Well, well!
I found my way
like it was yesterday.
- Back of beyond, eh!
- Arnaud, my husband.
You know Camille.
Something to drink?
Tea, coffee?
- Tea.
- Coffee.
Leave it. I'll do it.
She was a bit surprised to see us.
Plus, we woke her up.
At 11.
With a kid, that's rare.
I'm telling you, no way!
- This is too much!
- I didn't think they'd come.
- You invited them, didn't you?
- But just like that.
- Not really.
- I don't care!
Sort it out. Get rid of them!
But, honey...
How's daddy's big milky melon?
Your breath stinks!
No. It's Constance.
That's right!
Yes. Two lovely little girls.
And a big husband.
- Who is it?
- Martin's mum.
Hello? I'll pass you to Ariane.
A big kiss, Monique.
Sure. Big kiss. Bye.
Monique? Martin's busy.
He'll call back.
Thanks. Bye.
She's as friendly as ever!
- Who was it?
- Your mum.
Thanks. Very nice of you.
Ariane's changing Cerise.
No, she's not. She's here.
You breastfeed?
We didn't want to.
That does me in.
More and more women won't do it.
- I'm off shopping.
- I'll come with you.
- I can do it alone.
- No. I insist.
It's a market.
I'll buy the newspapers
and meet you at the café, okay?
- Here.
- We'll settle up later.
- But we forced ourselves on you.
- Don't. It's not right.
Let's not fight over 500 francs.
Take it.
So, you're back then?
Hello. How's things?
We got here last night.
- What will it be?
- I need lots of things.
Have you changed your hair?
It suits you.
Thanks.
Let's start with 2 kg of tomatoes.
Right you are.
Good girl. That's it.
Oh shit!
I'm sick of being filthy.
Blokes have got it all right.
What blokes? The handicapped?
Martin knows how to pick a melon.
Yes, but Martin...
Martin is Martin.
Arnaud hardly sees the girls.
So as for the rest...
Our mothers didn't fight
for us to be just like them.
My mother didn't exactly fight.
She just screwed around
in the name of equality...
Hardly met and already rabbiting!
Crazy!
I'll do a cutlet for Camille.
Don't bother. Constance'll do it.
- So, what line are you in?
- I'm a musician.
What kind?
I'm a cellist
in a chamber music ensemble.
I won't offer to help.
I'm half-blind.
What do you do?
I make money.
Once the creche director knew
I was in advertising, it was no.
Plus she really wound me up.
"Looking for work?
So you're not working now?"
How does the cow think
I have time
to contact companies
with a baby in tow?
It's whether they like your face.
And as I represent all she hates...
We found a place right opposite us.
- Lucky sods!
- Told you to vote socialist.
Right, I'm drunk.
Mummy, Emma's crying.
She must be hungry.
If you don't produce enough milk...
I do!
It all has to go.
You want me to get fat?
What does your paediatrician say?
He's an arsehole.
I never take his advice.
He writes books
and charges 500 francs a time.
- 500 francs?
- Yeah.
For 2½ minutes.
Not even time to ask a question.
Mind you, he is pro-breastfeeding.
More and more doctors
are questioning it.
I don't agree.
- It's your guilt...
- Cheese, anyone?
Hold your horses,
we're discussing.
This discussion will
end up an argument.
An argument?
Grow up, Mama!
Mama?
What a nickname!
Well you call Camille "Caca".
It's bath time.
I'm taking a nap, I'm exhausted.
A nap during rush hour?
She should copyright that one.
Your wife's very sensitive.
Sounds funny saying "your wife".
No one's forcing you to.
I understand, mind you.
My being here is stressing her out.
Even if I am cool.
Haven't I mellowed?
That's motherhood.
Just what I thought when I saw you:
"She's mellowed."
You've progressed
since the old days.
Arnaud doesn't know about us.
Or he wouldn't have come.
He swept me up after you left me.
He said if ever he met the guy
who'd so upset me,
he'd kill him.
No kidding?
Did you meet Ariane
long after we split up?
About two and a half years.
I fell for Arnaud on the rebound.
Good. That way you weren't upset
for too long.
He understood I wanted a child
and wham bam, thank you ma'am!
Like rabbits, if you get my drift.
Both times I got pregnant
straight away.
- And you?
- We had trouble.
Here's a tip for next time...
Doggy style.
I can't believe
you were ever with such a woman.
Listen to that silence.
Fantastic, isn't it?
All this space makes me anxious.
Endless greenery,
silence, the night...
I suddenly start missing the city.
One minute,
I find the city reassuring,
the next,
my view gets totally twisted
and I feel
that the city can't help me,
that it's the whole galaxy
that fills me with anxiety,
that I'm claustrophobic on Earth.
And that's terrible.
It's like we're infinitesimal
in infinite space.
It makes my head spin.
Are you listening?
What can we do about that?
It's awful.
Don't.
That makes me even more anxious.
I don't know...
Relax me.
No! I'm not ready.
That birth traumatised me.
We still need to wait.
Goodnight.
- Morning, son.
- Morning, Mrs Balland.
Hello, you gorgeous little angel.
What did you call her?
- Anna-Cerise.
- Crazy parents!
- How old are you then?
- 4 months.
You're younger than my Jennifer.
I became a grandma 5½ months ago.
My baby granddaughter's wonderful.
She adores me.
What will it be?
A cottage loaf, please.
Simon?
Constance!
- Amazing!
- What are you doing here?
Incredible!
What are you doing here?
- Who's this then?
- Claire... Constance.
- And...
- Jean-Marc. Hi.
Jean-Marc. Sorry.
And Yoyo. My son.
Your son?
You're a father?
- And you're the mother!
- Not at all.
You didn't drive with him
in the front?
He's going back by bike!
Let's not hang about.
Come on, Yoyo, let's go.
He's so cute!
He's your spitting image.
He's not mine.
He's Claire's.
She's worried Jean-Marc'll scram,
so she asked me...
- That's a laugh, right? -
..to play the role
of a single dad.
And everyone knows except him?
Right.
Very funny.
This is Jean-Marc.
Nice to meet you.
Claire told us a lot about you.
- All good, I hope.
- Sure.
Arnaud Berthin.
Constance's husband.
She's Martin's childhood friend.
Jean-Marc. Biker.
Claire.
Claire.
I'll give you the tour.
It's like a 4-star hotel here.
You haven't changed.
Neither have you.
It's easy to become happy.
You have to take control.
Martin didn't say you were coming.
He didn't know.
We surprised him.
And now you're here, we're staying.
Come to daddy, Yoyo.
All right, you big pansy?
Simon, our photographer... Arnaud.
That 4x4 must cost a packet.
Yes. A nice little toy.
- Got it!
- No!
Mine!
Blimey, he's good.
- Move your arse!
- This sucks.
It's like tennis:
arm relaxed, wrist stiff!
He's a sports teacher.
Do what he says.
- Sports teacher?
- In a little school.
- Any advice on weight loss?
- Stop eating.
Every morning,
an hour of long-distance.
That'll sort you.
He's on holiday. Leave him be.
It'd sort you as well, Big Mac.
Coffee!
You even made coffee?
Big softy!
Lovely biscuits.
- Did you make them?
- In the night.
Shall we carry on, babe?
Shuttlecock then real cock!
- They're all over each other.
- Does it bother you?
Does it shock you?
No. It's just like seeing two
teenagers discovering their bodies.
Don't be so boring.
They're in love.
They're excited
by not knowing each other.
What?
You depress me.
I don't depress you.
Reality does.
The tossers have axed Djorkaeff!
It's funny being at this house.
It brings back memories.
Of fights, arguments...
You're not here
to settle scores, are you?
Leave it out!
I have my doubts.
You've completely lost it.
If we can't be friends
after 5 years...
Stop there.
We'll never be "friends".
Hi, everyone.
Why didn't you wake me?
Have you seen the time?
- Hello, darling.
- Hello, gorgeous.
- This is Jean-Marc.
- Here he is at last.
Ariane. Claire's best friend.
- Delighted.
- You weren't lying.
You ain't seen nothing yet.
Don't get up, Simon!
Roger.
Ping-pong, Mama?
Of course, old chap.
Not Anna. I just left her.
- How was her poo today?
- Superb.
- It's Yoyo, Simon.
- No. I'll go.
Can't get two minutes peace!
Shall I go?
Can't say I don't offer.
Isn't Jean-Marc a bit dim?
This kid thing's ridiculous.
I'm ridiculous.
I can't change nappies.
I have 10 days holiday a year.
I'm fed up.
- Give her the baby back.
- The one time she has a bloke?
How does she lie to him
with such aplomb?
It's funny seeing Constance here.
- What does Ariane say?
- She's on my case.
She wants you
to make a clean break.
What do you mean?
That you're happy to see
Constance.
No ambiguity, of course.
Of course.
Prick.
She feels good
in your house, eh?
She doesn't want to leave.
I didn't know
I'd feel like this, all right?
I see everything.
- I'm a sports teacher.
- Is that right?
Out of coffee?
In a little school.
Hello.
There's a bloke with a crate.
- I brought some lettuces.
- You shouldn't have.
They're lovely.
Well, I won't keep you.
What do I owe you?
You're beautiful.
- Bee sting?
- The pig kissed me.
See, blokes do fancy you.
- Is that your reaction?
- I think it's funny.
At least be jealous.
Jealous? Why?
He kissed me. Didn't you hear?
I'll go and beat him up then.
Leave it to me.
Tough, getting that group humour.
- Quite a skill.
- Right.
Give me time, I'll get into it.
My big bear.
We'll take a walk.
No telly, I suppose?
That's it!
Come on!
Shit, shit, shit!
Jesus!
Un-bloody-believable.
Cottage loaf, please.
I'm on holiday here
and need a nanny.
- Do you know anyone?
- For this big one?
Her and her little sister,
whose mum is exhausted.
What about the dad?
Not his thing.
Aren't you Martin's ex?
- I didn't recognise you.
- 5 years on and 2 kids!
- I'll sort you out.
- Thanks.
Why don't you just
tell Jean-Marc the truth?
- You think I should?
- Of course.
If he loves you, he'll stay.
Or else he's a dick.
You're right.
You're mad!
You'll ruin it if you tell him.
You think so?
Seeing us bogged down
with kids all day,
talking of nothing else, moaning,
knackered and filthy all day,
he'll be glad to put it off.
I don't agree.
We make other people want them.
Dream on.
I had piles too. It was awful.
Want some carrots for Camille?
You gave Yoyo carrots yesterday.
It'll bung him up.
He needs variety.
- I don't pay attention.
- Tell me more
about your piles.
- I had an op.
- And my therapy was in a slump.
- Therapy?
- Blimey!
- I'm having a do to celebrate.
A big party at a friend's house.
- You're taking it well.
- When you're dumped
3 months' pregnant,
you need more than friends.
You were dumped pregnant?
- Yeah.
- The shit!
Blokes can't handle
women's bodies changing.
Just because yours was an arsehole,
doesn't mean all men are.
Martin's wonderful.
We'd all like one like that.
He was really cool
about your frigidity.
She thought
that when they made love,
Anna-Cerise
was trying to stop them.
Out of cruelty. Right, Ariane?
Constance? Ready?
- Right with you.
- Come on.
Jean-Marc, can you look after her?
Pack it in.
- She's Martin's ex.
- What?
No?
Sorry.
I wouldn't mind Arnaud
going frigid.
A bloke horny round the clock
is hell.
- Arnaud?
- A beast.
Careful with those.
I'll hand-wash them.
You're a sweetie.
What are your bids?
80 hearts.
90 spades.
- 100 hearts.
- Pass.
- What's for dinner?
- Bangers.
Pass.
Is it soon?
I don't want a late night.
We're playing cards, honey.
She's right.
They take a while.
- Simon, take over.
- Sure.
Come on, over we go.
- Shall I take him?
- No. It's all right.
Shall I teach you the rules?
- I hate cards. And winning.
- Belote.
Right. Bedtime.
Say goodnight.
Right, jimjams, pee, teeth,
then mummy will be up.
- Want a hand?
- No way.
Old bachelor's habits.
I'd like a drink though.
To us.
- To our families.
- To you.
- I'm glad you're here.
- Yes. It's nice.
Lucky we squatted.
And Arnaud loves it.
You're very beautiful.
You prat!
My baby, I'm sorry.
He dropped his kid.
Someone tell me what's going on.
Yoyo's not mine. He's Claire's.
- This is a loony bin.
- Really?
- I can smell burning.
- What's all this?
She was so scared of losing you.
- She always mucks up.
- Enough.
You must have had
a real laugh at me.
Playing dad throughout the journey.
I didn't know.
Did you, pussycat?
Why didn't you say?
Dinner's ready!
I love lucky dips.
What a fool.
What is there in your bag?
- So now you're lying?
- This isn't the time.
It's stupid
hiding a thing like that.
Why lie to me about a trifle?
Hey, it's important to me.
Arnaud, you're pissing us all off.
- Enough.
- It's always you.
- You, you, you.
- Enough, I said!
- You're ridiculous!
- Shut the fuck up!
Don't fight for my sake.
Things'll work out.
This isn't a joke?
You're not pulling my leg?
Right, doesn't anyone
like bangers here?
Every time I told a guy I had a kid
he was off.
The first one ran
the moment I got pregnant.
I'm sure he was gay.
He kept contradicting me.
Then I had a breakdown:
not one guy during my pregnancy.
Then I met Laurent.
I told him right off.
I was breastfeeding,
I couldn't hide it.
He left.
Then Bobo.
My shrink told me to be honest.
What a joke!
He wasn't the one, that's all.
I told Thomas Colino
and Thomas Praya immediately.
Same thing.
And for my neighbour Olivier.
He knew before we got together.
Of course.
Missing without trace.
Then some I told, some I didn't.
I couldn't tell some guy I picked up
my life story over breakfast.
And then...
Then it was you.
Sorry. I should've told you,
but I couldn't.
- You must find me stupid.
- No.
You're right to be angry,
me lumbering you with a kid.
I'm not angry.
I'm even ready
to help you bring him up.
All I ask you is this:
spare me the details
of your past love life!
Your sordid tales
of blokes you screwed
in nightclub bogs!
I can't sleep.
I'm wandering around.
Did they wake her?
No. She's sleeping badly.
Sorry. I don't know why
she's crying.
This is a tantrum, Emma.
Mummy doesn't like tantrums.
Does she never sleep through?
Cerise was amazing.
She slept through immediately.
Maybe she's done a poo?
Did you do a poo?
Did you do a poo?
I've always been fascinated
by the ease with which
mothers show their breasts.
Those that breastfeed, anyway.
How many people
have seen yours today?
But if I said to you,
"Constance,
I want to see your breasts",
you'd be shocked and refuse.
Wouldn't you?
Constance,
I want to see your breasts.
I wonder if they've changed.
Enough. Go to bed.
So you like your new panties?
Calmed down, have you?
Come here.
Give me a cuddle.
Sorry about earlier.
I really want you.
You're so sweet together.
A nice cottage loaf, please.
Come with me.
I want you to taste
something life-changing.
Taste that.
That's pure love.
Here, son.
- Bye.
- Thanks.
I spoke to my niece.
I told her to drop by
to discuss money.
You're remarkable.
What's all that about?
Her niece sells fresh eggs.
- They're good for kids.
- Yes. Great.
Sorry about last night.
I was a bit drunk.
I hardly recognise you
in your new-man role,
my fiery old Martin.
That's not me.
Sorry about last night, ladies.
Each to his own neurosis.
This is Marjorie.
Arnaud Berthin. Charmed.
Sorry about last night, Simon.
Whatever...
Pass the tea.
Simon, in both our interests,
I've decided not to speak to you
till tomorrow morning.
If it helps, Claire.
Pass me the sugar.
Your problem really pains me.
It hasn't improved over the years.
- Can I use your spoon?
- You're still a child.
Incapable of taking
any responsibility.
Self-centred
with no take on real life.
It's a real problem!
I'll tell you what my problem is:
you breaking my balls!
You should see your shrink
3 times a week.
Right then, I'm off.
Bye.
- I'll drive you.
- No. Don't bother.
Simon, you're so...
Just sex, baby.
Till love comes along.
The bread!
Shit.
The bread.
Since when did you make
your own jam?
Since you were shacked up
with Ariane?
You'd have looked
a prat on your own.
I've always enjoyed it.
You're an old fart.
Can I ask you something?
Look at that lovely bramble.
Go ahead.
I don't know
what Claire expects of me.
Be yourself. Be natural.
Taste that.
Yeah, right.
But it's easy for you.
You do the biz, everything's easy.
You're good looking, married,
got a lovely daughter,
nice house, money...
- You're a winner.
- Finished?
It freaks people out.
Let me tell you something.
I'm going back to square one.
I'm gonna drive off
and leave it all behind.
Leave with the woman I love.
Really?
Only kidding.
Got me again.
What Claire's offering
is wonderful.
You give up stuff,
but it's real life.
Think she wants me
to look after her kid?
What, do you think she loves you?
Of course she does.
This is so good.
I can tell you're a good cook
by the way you eat.
You can tell lots
by the way people eat.
Look at me.
You can tell I'm an oaf,
but a nice oaf.
I'm happy.
I've been cooking non-stop
and that's my first compliment.
I do it with cumin.
Try it. It's great.
You can tell
cooking's not your thing.
- True.
- Hello.
I'm Mme Balland's niece.
Oh, yes. Hello.
Well, that's Yoyo.
The others are asleep.
- What's all this?
- Oh, sorry.
- This is...
- Carole Boissonade.
She's come to free us from slavery.
Hang on, what's all this?
Sorry, there's been
a misunderstanding.
- You could've told us.
- We thought you'd be pleased.
Looking after your kids
is ethical.
- And economical.
- 400 francs is nothing.
- Speak for yourself.
- It changes nothing for you.
- Sorry?
- You don't do anything anyway.
I didn't ask you to do everything.
You refuse help.
You want to do everything.
You're best at cooking,
washing-up, ironing...
Everyone's paralysed.
So stop moaning.
Someone's offering to help.
So leave it out.
I must be dreaming.
You've always been
against nannies and cleaners.
Yeah, they nick his work!
If you spent less time in bed
you'd see we had a kid
and that changes things.
And Constance can do as she likes.
No. This is my house.
All right. Forget it.
I'm really sorry, Carole.
You're weird,
not wanting to see
your kids on holiday
when it's the only time
you can see them.
Have kids then speak.
Maybe not.
- It makes you touchy.
- They were cool once.
Look, Carole,
it's best if I drive you home.
If you like.
Okay then. Come on.
We're going to the lake!
We're going to the lake!
We're leaving tomorrow.
We'll spend our last afternoon
at the lake.
Let's go and pick some flowers.
Come on, Caca.
Stop. It's horrible, women who...
- Who what?
- It's horrible.
It's freezing!
- You're so sexy.
- Change the record, please!
It's a compliment.
Look, I know you fancy me,
but I'm so knackered I don't care.
All I do fucking care about
is sleep.
Charming.
From now on, we share chores.
You'll see to the kids.
- They're yours, aren't they?
- What's up?
You bore me, Arnaud.
I can take your machismo.
But I won't live with an egoist.
- You've never spoken like this.
- I'm ashamed of you, Arnaud.
In the forest, a big deer
Saw right through the window clear
A bunny rabbit coming near
And this is what he said
"Deer, deer, open up
"Or the hunter'll cut me up"
"Bunny, you're welcome under
my roof
"Come and shake my hoof"
Take this down...
A duck. A lovely duck.
Loo roll.
Mustard. Tabasco.
Carrots. 2 kilos.
Butter. Cream. Olive oil.
5 bottles of Ricard.
Aubergines.
2 nice aubergines.
Pears.
Ham.
Dark chocolate.
Sleep with her
if you think it'll help us.
We're what counts, right?
We can't go on like this.
We're heading into a wall.
Go on, I know you're dying to!
Nappies.
Baby wipes.
Q-tips.
More calvados, anyone?
I'm going to bed.
Shall I wait for you?
One more and I'll be up.
I need sex!
He's a lost cause.
Do you and Ariane screw much?
Sure. No. Well...
Normally.
What does "normally" mean?
I dunno...
- What are all these questions?
- I'm interested.
Surprise!
You want to know
if I have an amazing sex life
after two years of marriage
and a 4-month-old?
Frankly...
no.
That's mine.
I don't know how you stand kids.
You drink.
I'm in a real mess, Simon.
I've fallen back in love with her.
And you're just chucking
Ariane and your daughter?
Blended families do exist.
Don't talk crap.
Open your eyes, Martin.
You're good looking, married,
got a lovely daughter,
a nice house, Ariane's really...
Shut up.
You're all pissing me off.
I know you're right.
I know it's stupid
and that I won't do it.
Anyway, they're off tomorrow
and it's over.
That's enough.
Be quiet and let my lady sleep.
There.
Well?
All under control.
Martin been giving you lessons?
Didn't you give him water?
- It's elementary.
- Don't move.
This is a parallel world
I didn't know.
What are you doing?
Undressing so I don't wake Ariane.
Come.
- How are you today?
- Croissant, please.
That bad, eh?
You've got it.
As usual.
Is he in a bad mood?
Someone been upsetting him?
Let your favourite baker
give you a cuddle.
My poor old thing.
- Early bird!
- Can I have a word?
- Shall I watch her?
- No thanks.
What do you think this is?
- A hotel?
- I feel lonely in a double bed.
Please stop bringing
your whores back here.
- My whores?
- Exactly.
Do what you like,
but do it elsewhere.
You're like my mother.
Just because I'm 30
and haven't chosen
to settle down
doesn't mean you can insult me.
I'm enjoying life.
And I find you all sad
and annoying.
I won't stay and watch you
have a bad time.
I'll pack up and go.
Shit.
How far we going, guys?
I'm hitting the road at noon.
- Laguiole all right?
- How far?
- 20 K.
- Jesus. You're mad.
- He's right. Step on it.
- What's the point?
Oh, Christ, it hurts.
The old ticker's playing up.
This lark will kill me.
- You got a history?
- No. Just kidding.
That cow Constance
dumped me last night.
These things happen.
Not to us. We're right on.
It's hanky panky every night.
That's how you keep a bird.
If you don't know that,
you're lost.
Change gear.
Right, lads, crank it up!
We're splitting up.
But if you try
to see Constance again,
I'll smash your face in, all right?
Hang on a sec.
- What are you on about?
- Don't think I'm thick.
She's not even my type.
- Enough!
- Okay.
Anything wrong?
Nothing. Keep going.
I didn't want to come here.
But it's nice.
If there was a golf course
I'd stay longer.
There is a golf course.
See, no worries.
Everything's fine, Mama.
Stop it, this is silly.
I'm out of sorts. Forgive me.
Sometimes I feel I hate Martin.
Surely that's not love.
Stop treating him like your nanny.
I know it's tough being yourself
when you're parents.
You're the crazy proof of that.
But he's still your bloke.
Your bloke, not your mother.
The bloke who makes you come.
Well, I hope he does.
Okay.
Right then... I'll stay.
Arnaud's decided
to stay a day more.
I'm baking.
Oh, sorry!
I'll get dressed.
Stop looking at me like that.
You do that?
Why?
I'm gonna throw.
Don't be ridiculous.
Don't you realise
everyone envies you guys?
You're such a happy couple.
- Look, you're...
- Shut up!
You've a lovely daughter.
So what?
And what about Ariane?
She's a fantastic woman.
- You're freaking me out.
- I hope so.
I also hope you feel guilty.
You're out of order.
We just had a kiss, that's all.
You can't. It's not you.
You're a good guy.
No! I'm a wanker, Claire!
Anything wrong?
I ate the last Babybel.
Claire wanted it.
Right.
To the holidays!
Camille! To bed!
- What are you up to?
- Can't you tell?
Demonstrating over work time.
Why do you smack your kid?
Can't you get the same thing
without violence?
No. Plus it lets off steam.
That's the crux of the problem.
Kids should be seen, not heard.
No one dies from a smack.
82% of criminals
were beaten by their parents.
82% is huge.
You're trapped in a model
that stops you questioning yourself.
I don't understand.
- Look, I solve things.
- It'll come back at you.
- But I'll see it coming.
- You won't, Arnaud.
- Sorry.
- Exercise doesn't suit you.
I'll make a coffee to wake me up.
Be careful
or you'll end up paying for it.
I'm leaving.
And you're coming with me.
As impulsive as ever.
I left you on a whim...
and got my fingers burnt.
Us meeting again is a sign.
This is no whim.
I know exactly what I'm doing.
It's all I think about
day and night.
I want to carry on with you.
I can't leave everything
just like that.
I know what I'd lose,
not what I'd gain.
We know each other, Constance.
But you've changed.
And so have I.
We're made for each other.
I know.
I know.
I'm leaving, whatever.
I can't go on lying.
I'm clearing the table.
Get the camera
to immortalise the event.
Cork!
Bitch!
All right, I'm eliminated.
- I'll ref.
- No. It's dog eat dog.
I see. I'll get revenge then.
Faster. It's more fun.
One, two, three.
One, two, three.
Cork! No. Sorry.
Eliminated.
- It wasn't on purpose.
- It's only a game.
- Are you drunk, Claire?
- Eliminated!
- Leave off, will you.
- Chill.
Eliminated!
She's winding me up!
What do you want?
- Eliminated!
- Ladies! It's just a game.
What's your problem?
- Come on out with it.
- Pussycat.
Lost your bottle?
- Nothing to say as usual.
- Stop. She's drunk.
She apologises.
Right... Whose deal?
Where the hell is he?
Probably gone for a spin
to get some air.
I called his mobile,
but he won't answer.
Look...
I'll babysit tonight.
You guys can go to a club.
Leave it out.
See. The storm has passed.
Not without
your dark cloud though.
Martin better not be too long.
She's found a replacement.
- I'm in a spot.
- What?
When we get to Paris,
I'm gonna dump Claire.
No kidding?
I like women to be real women.
I like to bed them
and care for them.
I don't like mollycoddling
or competition.
You hide it well.
I could never be like you.
You need to be mature.
Going on holiday
to my wife's ex's place...
I couldn't do it.
But you're cool.
Have a dance, granddad.
- We're going.
- I'll go with Jean-Marc later.
- He's been drinking.
- Go on, I'm having fun.
You'll come with me
and stop taking the piss!
What's going on?
Fucking hell! My car!
The bitch! Jesus! My car!
The bitch took my car.
And where's Ariane?
I could only find her poncho.
They're starting to piss me off.
Hey, Ariane's not a rocket.
Ariane, we're going!
See you next year.
How are we getting home?
This'll do!
"...a fast zoom for the brain
"and a close-up of the entrails."
Daddy!
Where have you been?
It's 8 o'clock.
What am I supposed to do
with four kids?
- Did you feed her?
- I wasn't going to let her starve.
- Where's mummy?
- She's walking home.
Shut up before I whack you!
You shut up, you rich arsehole!
- Here, Jean-Luc.
- Jean-Marc!
Jean-Marc, give me a hand
to move the kids.
Kids, the story continues elsewhere.
- They're together.
- Don't start.
What a drama queen.
They've gone together.
No, they haven't.
You're losing it big time.
She came and got him.
I can feel it.
You've got such a twisted mind.
Constance is satisfied.
She has a marvellous husband,
a 600,000-franc 4x4,
gifted children.
What would she do
with a plonker musician?
- Naive sod.
- Frigid cow.
I saw them getting off
in the bathroom.
- Since when do you bite your nails?
- The day I got married.
I like your little porkers.
I'm not sorry you left me.
You know how to make babies now.
I always told you
we'd grow old together.