Orny Adams: More than Loud (2017) - full transcript
In his new stand-up special, Orny Adams fluctuates between the relevant and the absurd, attacking what's wrong with the world and at times including what's wrong with him.
Ladies and gentlemen thank you
very much for waiting.
Please welcome...
Orny Adams!
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
All right, we only have an hour.
Have I offended anybody yet?
We... it'll happen.
It happens fast!
We have gotten soft.
We have gotten soft.
Watch this.
What are you allergic to?
Nothing! Nothing!
Gluten wouldn't take down
our generation.
We're not allergic
to things like peanuts.
You know why?
Our parents made us eat peanuts.
They made us eat peanuts
until we weren't allergic...
to peanuts.
And if our throat
started to close up,
you know how they opened it up?
They shoved
more peanuts down it!
I'm not allergic to germs.
Watch this.
Shake my hand.
Look at that, that's how
you shake a hand.
I don't care about ger... listen.
I'm starting
to really hate people.
Let me start out with that.
I went to shake a guy's hand
the other day.
He goes, "No-no-no-no-no-no.
I just washed."
That's when I want
to shake your hand!
Not when it's filthy.
"Good timing.
I... I was about to wash.
Now I can fit another shake in."
Do you...
Do you see how crazy
it's gotten?
I was raised on germs, okay?
Germs are good for you.
I didn't wash my hands
until I was 22!
In my family, there were
five people, one sink,
one hand towel.
Five people
shared one hand towel
that never dried.
It's still wet.
When I got home,
it's still wet from 1989.
And I just found out recently
that none of us ever
touched the front of the towel,
'cause that's where we thought
everybody else was touching.
We all snuck around back.
Turns out that's where
the polio, scabies,
hand-foot, mouth, head,
shoulders, knees and toes,
knees and toes disease
was hangin' out!
We didn't have
antibacterial soap
when I was a kid.
No! The old germs
killed the new germs!
We didn't have this little
wussy pump soap
that you guys...
Can you say "wussy"?
Can you say "wussy"?
I don't wanna upset the little
millennial word police!
"Orny said 'wussy'!
Orny said 'wussy'!"
How about these people
on Twitter
that have five followers.
Why don't you just text
everybody you know?
I like germs.
Germs make you stronger!
We didn't even have pump soap.
We had a bar of soap.
We had a bar of soap
that lasted so long,
it rusted... it rusted!
It would crack and rust,
and in the cracks
there were rivers of mud.
This is what you used
to wash your hands.
I have an immunity.
I shake hands, I don't care.
I grew up in a time,
you're not gonna believe...
How old are you?
Me?
No, the kid...
What is this?
What... how old are you?
12.
12!
That's adorable.
Look at him.
Let me tell ya something.
What's your name?
Hudson.
Hudson?!
Right.
Hudson...
You not gonna believe this.
I grew up in a time, Hudson,
when salad bars,
there was no glass!
There was nothing
in between you and the lettuce!
It was like the Wild West!
People got right up in it!
You watched them.
You watched people like...
Ptuh! Ptuh!
They spit all over.
They spit all over it,
Hudson, and you ate it!
You ate it!
That was the price you paid
for unlimited lettuce!
Now you can't get near it.
The sal...
The salad bar, it's like
they got that glass up.
You gotta... you gotta
lean in against the glass.
You're... you're...
You can't get near the lettuce,
but your face is licking...
It's disgusting, the...
"I'm going in for the baby corn!
"Does anybody want the...
Hold my foot!
Hold my foot!"
I'm... I'm in a Level Two
yoga move,
trying to get the baby corn!
You know, we used to touch
door handles in the bathroom?
Remember that?
Wasn't so long ago!
Then all of a sudden everybody
started to take a paper towel,
like... like they
committed a crime
and they're wiping prints.
Now we got a problem, right,
'cause the eco-freako people...
have taken away
the paper towels.
They're making us stick our
hands into this... Dyson...
hand kidnap...
It's dangerous!
It's dangerous, it...
It throws your hand around
at 500 miles per hour.
It's narrow and you... and you
don't want to touch the sides,
so it's... it's like that,
the game Operation.
It's like...
Shit! I touched the side!
Now I gotta wash 'em again.
I got it this time.
Damn it!
And you still don't want
to touch the door handle, right?
So now... now you
gotta hang out in the bathroom
like you're a creep!
Waiting for somebody to come in,
and then slide by 'em
like a crab, like a...
some sort of military operation,
like I'm...
I'm doing CrossFit exercises
in the bathroom!
This is so...
If you have to catch up,
it's okay.
Get her closer to a microphone.
This is the world we...
We have gotten too soft.
We...
We have gotten too sof...
Now I've lost my place.
Quickly, where did
you come from?
I just want to make sure
we get it all.
Well, you don't have to zoom in
on the list, do ya?
Can we make this
look spontaneous?
You can't get me sick!
You can't get me sick!
We didn't have bottles of water
when I was a kid.
Filtered water?!
That's what your kidneys
are for!
We drank out of a hose!
And it wasn't even our hose.
We went up to some house
we didn't even know,
and we just turned on the hose
and dirt flew out
and spider eggs and... lead.
Lead runs through my veins!
We had to drink out of a hose
because we weren't
allowed inside of the house
until 5 p.m.!
I don't know what the parents
were doing till 5 p.m.
'Cause we weren't allowed
inside of the house...
until 5 p.m.!
Our parents, every day,
they said, "Get lost!
Come back at 5."
And if we didn't come back,
you know what they did?
They had another kid!
They didn't know
where we were all day!
I was with my friend Sean.
We were biking.
He got hit by a car!
We then sat outside of his house
until 5 p.m.
Until we were allowed in.
We told his parents
and then they stitched him up.
We have gotten soft.
We have gotten soft, Hudson.
I don't even know
if you're a millennial
or if you're... if you're post
a problem of the millennial.
But these millennials
are out here...
Where are people in their 20s?
That's...
the most annoying people
in our...
society, these...
These, look at 'em.
Look at 'em!
Look at this guy right here.
No, look at you.
Yes, you.
How old are you?
27.
27. You are dumb!
You are dumb!
He's so dumb, he's laughing
while I'm calling him dumb.
I'm kidding.
What is your name, buddy?
My name is Perry.
Perry, what a masculine name.
Um...
Let me tell ya somethin', Perry.
Your generation
came onto our planet...
and you ruined it!
You changed too much.
I mean, they're out there
right now judging me...
on a criteria
I did not grow up with.
I don't even know
what gender I am anymore!
I mean, I'm not being flip...
There's a lot of new choices,
and I haven't done
all the research, you know.
Maybe I fit into something else,
and I'm fine with that.
I'm ready for a change.
Millennials have
taken away all the fun.
It's not fun anymore,
do you realize that?
You... everything's gotta
be equal for you guys.
Everything's gotta be eq...
Can't be a man in bed, can ya?
What's... what's the fun talk
for a millennial guy like?
You're with a girl like,"
Are you my little equal?
Who's my..."
"Who's my little equal?
Who's my strong, independent..."
Get that guy
laughing right there!
Get it on him!
Look at him!
I haven't had an erection
since the millennials took over.
You have to have sex on the side
so nobody's in a power position.
These millennials
came onto our planet.
You changed the way we sneeze.
For thousands of years...
This was fine.
This... this is bullshit!
This is dumb.
This makes no sense at all.
The hand was made for sneezing.
This is a perfect vessel.
This... ricochets
back into your face.
I got stuck in there one time.
It doesn't work.
I wash my hands
several times a day.
I've never washed this.
I, I've never seen somebody go,
"I just..."
go into a public restroom...
"I, I, I just,
I just sneezed into my..."
there's not even
a name for this...
"my, my millennial pit.
I just sneezed into my..."
They're so sensitive
and they all come preinstalled
with ADD.
They all have ADD
and they love to tell ya.
"I have ADD!"
I'm like,
"You're lucky to have ADD."
In this day and age,
with all these distractions...
Can you imagine having ADD
in the 1600s?
Maybe a horse went by
every four hours.
You're out sit...
they're out sitting...
they're churning the butter.
"This, this, this sucks!
I've got, I've got a disorder,
something..."
"Something distract me.
"What was that, a leaf?
No, back to this, this..."
I'm so glad I grew up
before social media.
I, I really... I couldn't
handle that in high school.
Ooh... ooh.
I feel bad for the young people.
I mean, you know...
In high school, I,
I suspected I was a loser.
Now...
Now it would be digitally
confirmed, you know?
I can handle it as an adult,
you know what I mean?
It's like...
Hey, if it wasn't
for social media,
I wouldn't know how much stuff
I wasn't being invited to.
They're too sensitive.
Everybody's gotta just
chill out, chill out.
We've lost our minds.
And I'm not talking about
the gluten people, I'm...
I have been going
after the gluten people now
for 10 years, for 10 years.
People that have been watching
me for the last 10 years know
I was on top of this,
this fad diet
back when we thought
it was called "glutton."
Back when we thought it was
called "glutton."
It's a marketing scam to get you
to buy some products.
Now, I know
some people actually have, okay,
so I know it.
Don't, don't, don't go after me
on social media.
I know some people
actually have, you know...
'cause they come up to me
after shows.
They're, they're angry.
They'll come up and they'll go,
"Um, I don't think it's funny
that you...
joke about
'cisiasics' disease, um..."
Why's everybody laughing?
"Ciliastic" disease
kills millions of p...
All I'm saying is...
If it was real,
I'd know how to pronounce it.
That's what I'm saying,
I mean...
All I'm saying is
we've been on this planet
for 200,000 years.
In the last... 10, we all
discovered we can't eat wheat?
It's bullshit.
It's bullshit! It's bullshit!
Do you know that sometimes
if I eat a walnut,
my tongue gets a little itchy?
I've never told anybody this.
I just avoid walnuts.
I had to Google how long
we've been on the planet for.
Did you know the answer?
No.
Yeah.
Took me three days,
'cause I put in Google,
"How long..."
The first thing it suggested was
"boil corn."
I'd like to know that.
I didn't know
there was a recipe.
I've been guessing
my whole life.
I just throw the corn into a pot
and every few minutes
I yell out,
"Do you think
the corn is ready?"
So now I'm on YouTube
watching videos...
on how to boil corn.
People are making videos
on how to boil corn.
I'm leaving comments.
"Couldn't stop watching
your video..."
"on how to boil corn.
"Riveting!
"Watched all 12 minutes
even though it only takes eight
to boil corn."
They're making videos
on how to boil cor...
There are some real losers
in this world!
I'm telling you...
I'm telling you,
I've been after this.
I don't like fad diets.
I don't like f...
Like the, the new ones,
like the Paleo diet.
Do you know what that is?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Yeah. You eat, you eat
whatever the caveman ate.
Well, that makes a lot of sense,
since they all died
when they were 12.
These idiots are like,
"I'm gonna eat like a caveman.
"I'm gonna have it delivered,
just like the caveman did,
I'm..."
And how do we even know
the caveman was skinny?
By the pictures they drew
of themselves on the wall?
I've never taken a fat picture
of myself.
I know the skinny angle.
You, you don't, you don't think
the caveman was deleting the,
the, the, the,
the fat caveman self...
cave selfie sketch things?
You don't...
I don't like fad anything.
Now there's something
called Prevagen.
Do you know what this is?
It's a, it's a, it's
a supplement for memory loss
and it's an ingredient
they recently discovered
in jellyfish.
Because when you think memory,
you think jellyfish!
These things beach themselves
every single day.
And they can't find the ocean
and it's right behind them.
Going...
This is how ridiculous
we've gotten.
We've gotten ridiculous.
I was thrown off of a TV station
in Portland, Oregon,
because I was
making fun of gluten.
I was in Portland, Oregon,
and I was on a TV station,
and I, I said,
I said, "Gluten doesn't exist."
And the anchor got really angry.
She goes, "Yes, it does!"
I'm like...
well, it scared me.
I'm like, "Well, what, what,
what proof do you..."
By the way, this is in December.
Just so you know
for historical purposes.
I go,
"What, what proof do you have?"
She said, "Because we have
an entire section in the store."
And I said,
"Well, so does Santa Claus."
"Doesn't make him real."
And they threw me off.
They were...
they got that angry.
People were commenting on their
Facebook page so fast,
they threw me off.
And I thought, "Well, that's it.
"Who, who cares?
It's Portland, who cares?"
"Nobody's gonna ever hear
about it."
And then about four months ago,
I was, in North Carolina.
Yeah.
Are you from North Carolina?
Good.
By the way, good luck
getting unsweetened iced tea
in North Carolina.
I, I should have just stood up
in the restaurant and yelled,
"Who won the Civil War?"
"Give me a cup of We Won
unsweetened, please."
I'm in North Carolina, a guy
comes up to me in the street
and he said, "Is it true
you don't believe
in Santa Claus?"
I go,
"That's a weird to thing ask..."
"an adult..."
"in June."
I said,
"Why are you asking me that?"
And he said, "Because I read
a story about how you were
"kicked off
of a TV station in Portland
on your Wikipedia page."
And that's when I realized
one of these millennials
told on me!
So I went to my Wikipedia page
and, I printed it out
to show you tonight.
I know the,
the young people laugh.
Like, at a show once,
somebody yelled out,
they go, "That's cute.
You still print stuff?"
Yeah, I'm in my 40s,
I still print stuff.
You know what else I do?
I make plans a week in advance
and I keep 'em.
You know what else I do?
When I take somebody's picture,
I count to three.
Young people
just hold up the camera
and then they walk away.
I'm like, "I, I thought
you wanted a picture."
They're like, "I got 48."
I'm like,
"Where was I for that?"
Here's my actual Wikipedia page.
This is
my actual Wikipedia page.
And by the way, um, I've been
banned from making changes
to my own page.
I would change something,
they go, "What's your source?"
I'm like, "It's me."
"On December 10, 2016,
"Orny caused controversy
"on a local Portland, Oregon,
TV show
by implying Santa Claus
was not real."
Now, I didn't imply it,
I said it,
but I've been banned
from making changes.
Here are
the actual comments people left
on the TV station's
Facebook page.
This is "AM Northwest," ready?
I'm gonna read you two comments.
Cathy Hunt says...
Well, if she's gonna call me
out, I'm gonna call her out.
That's H-U-N-T.
Ready for this?
"I wish some people would be
more mindful of what they say
"on morning TV.
"My granddaughter just heard the
reference about no Santa Claus.
Thanks for opening up
that can of worms."
"I have changed the channel,
perhaps forever,
if your guests don't clean up
their act on morning TV."
How much, how much fun
is that house?
Hey, Cathy,
maybe your granddaughter
should be in school...
It's 10 a.m.
"AM Northwest,"
the TV station, responds.
"Hi, Cathy.
"Please tell your granddaughter
that Orny is just mad
because he's
on Santa's naughty list."
How old are we?
How old are we?
Is that shaming?
That feels like shaming,
by the way.
Then they start a hashtag:
#CoalForOrny!
Debra C. Taley says,
"He's an idiot!"
I'm sorry, T-A-L-E-Y.
"He's an idiot.
"Making fun of people
with celiac disease
"is not funny or cool.
I wouldn't pay money
to see him."
Then she does
the hashtag #CoalForOrny.
So I gotta put an end to this
right away.
I gotta,
I gotta do what people do
when they screw up
in the spotlight.
I either,
either have to go into rehab,
and I'm not giving up
tequila, or...
or write a retraction.
So this is what I wrote,
and I had to
handwrite it in after
'cause they deleted it so fast.
Here's what I wrote.
"Earlier today, I misspoke,
and I want to be clear.
"I know Santa exists...
and has celiac disease."
"Hashtag #OrnylsJewish."
I used to hate...
By the way,
Orny Adams is not my real name.
I changed it
when I was in college.
It was Adam Orenstein.
And, by the way,
that's one of the things that...
That's what's wrong
on my Wikipedia page.
They misspelt my legal name.
But I didn't, I didn't...
I changed my name
because I didn't like people
knowing I was, I was Jewish.
It was like, it was weird.
Like, people...
some people don't like Jews.
I don't know if you know that,
and I always thought...
I always thought,
"Well, you know what?
"Why don't you hate me first
for something else?
Then hate me
because I'm Jewish."
When I was younger,
people, people would say
anti-Semitic things.
They'd come up to me and go...
they'd go,
"You're cheap, you're a Jew,
you're a cheap Jew."
And I said, "I'm seven,
I don't even have money yet."
These gluten people...
No, we've lost our minds, okay?
If we go back
to that Portland bit, we...
People need to just settle down.
People need to just settle down.
We're just trying
to have a, a good time.
There's too many people
on the planet.
That's, that's what
I'm starting to think.
And if the Internet
has taught us anything,
it's that half this planet
needs to be medicated.
And by that I mean euthanized.
I...
Time to get rid
of some of these people.
I don't like mean people.
I don't like judgmental people.
I don't like people that don't
let people be people.
I don't like violent people.
I don't like...
that's right.
You know, like, like these,
these mass shooters.
The... wow, you got quiet.
Are there... are there
any mass shooters here tonight?
That was weird, right?
This is what I don't get
about mass shooters.
And I don't mean to make light
of something really serious,
but these people
go into movie theaters
and they, they shoot strangers.
If you're
that angry at the world,
don't you know people
you'd rather kill first?
Shouldn't the story be,"
"and then he invited everybody
he ever hated to a movie
and he shot 'em"?
I'm not even
that angry at the world
and I have a list
of 52 people...
53, 53 people in a...
We've gone nuts.
There are seven billion people
on the planet.
People need to stop having kids.
How often do you see
somebody with a kid
and you think,
"They shouldn't have had a kid"?
"We didn't need him.
Now we got
a little version of him."
There are seven billion people
on this planet
and we're giving tax breaks
to people that have children?
How about rewarding the people
not overpopulating the planet?
I should be able to cut out
the UPC code on my condoms,
attach it to my 1040...
I want a rebate.
You know this wasn't the plan.
You know
just a hundred years ago,
there was just a billion people.
God probably took a little nap.
Said, "Everything's fine
on Earth.
I'm gonna take a little nap."
Wakes up, goes, "What are they
doin' down there?"
"Seven billion people?
They're sluts."
"Give me the book.
"What did I tell them?
"'Be fruitful and multiply...'
That's a typo."
"I said, 'Be fruitful
and pull out.' Why did I..."
We have lost our minds.
Do you know now,
because of the glutonians...
everything has to have
a warning label?
20 years ago, there were
no warning labels, right?
That's right.
And...
and we were fine.
That's right, we were fine.
Sure, a few people died,
but we didn't need those people.
Water has a warning label.
Water... has...
a warning label.
Water... water...
water... water... water.
How much writing
is on your faucet?
How much writing...
first of all,
look at all the writing
on this bottle of water.
Look at it.
Look at it.
You... you see that?
I see it.
I don't like you.
Look at the writing
on this bottle of water.
Look at it, look at this,
look at this, look at this!
Look at all the writing
on this bottle of water.
How much writing
is on your faucet?
Zero.
Zero!
They're so afraid of being sued.
Everybody's suing everybody.
I'm suing four people myself
right now.
These class action lawsuits,
they're great!
You don't even know
you're suing somebody
until you check your mail
and there's a postcard.
"Were you in Best Buy in 2012?"
"I guess so."
"Did you buy a flat screen TV?"
"I think I did!"
"They might owe you money."
"I think they do!"
Where do I sign
this important postcard?
Then I tell everybody.
People are like, "Well,
you know, you look exhausted."
I'm like,
"Well, I'm suing Best Buy."
"A lot of stress in my life.
We're going into
closing arguments next week."
Water has a warning...
Look at all the writing
on a bottle of water.
"Warning:
Do not swallow cap."
I think we can afford
to lose those people, right?
Time to lose
some of the cap swallowers.
Now we're down to 6.5 billion.
"Do not refill."
Because maybe some of us
will figure out
the old stuff
tastes a lot like the new stuff.
They'll put anything on there
to protect themselves.
Look... "Warning:
This was bottled in a factory
where there were once
peanus... peanuts..."
Did I say penis? Oof...
"Warning..."
"Warning:
This was bottled in a factory...
"where there were once peanuts.
"An old... peanut might have
fallen into the water.
"There's a, there's
a shellfish factory next door.
"A shellfish
might have walked over
"and dipped its toe
in the water.
"Warning:
The guy who bottled this
may have had eggs
for breakfast."
"If you're pregnant, ask your
doctor if you can drink water."
"May or may not contain water.
If you're still reading this,
get help."
And water
has an expiration date.
Water can't expire!
It can evaporate.
If you open it up
and there's nothin' in there...
it went bad.
But as long as there's
something in there,
nobody's ever gone...
"Shit!
"It's sour!
Don't drink the water."
It sat in a lake
for thousands of years.
These people put it in a bottle.
"You have three months
to finish it,
then throw it out."
This is the world.
It's gone crazy.
Does any of this
make sense to you yet?
I love the way you smile.
It's just...
it's so effortless.
It just pops up.
It really does.
That's what I call
a pre-mortgage smile.
He smiles so easily.
Like you and me,
it takes, like, a second.
Like we go to smile
and then the, the, the world
drags our lips down and...
I get nervous
every time I go to smile,
because when I was a kid,
I smiled at a girl
and I got nervous
and my lip dried
and it got stuck
on my teeth like...
And every time I go to smile,
I think that's gonna happen.
I'm like,
"It's gonna get stuck again."
But you're great, dude, really.
I just love how,
how much fun you have
and how carefree you are
and you have, like, a nice,
little sparkle in your eye.
You probably still have dreams.
You think these people
have dreams anymore?
No, we have flashbacks!
We have flashbacks
to where it all went wrong.
When you're in your 20s,
you think,
"I'm not gonna end up
like these old people.
"I'm gonna live forever.
"I'm never gonna be
the, the, the guy
who wears a Hawaiian shirt
all year long."
That's my favorite type of guy,
where they just get old
and they go, "Screw it.
I'm goin' Hawaiian shirt
all year long."
"Take me to Tommy Bahama's,
give me the whole lineup."
There's a lot of 'em.
There's the one back there.
Here's a third one.
My God,
my audience has turned into
a Jimmy Buffett concert.
I better be nicer
to the millennials.
When you're young...
You want to know why you
get thick when you get older?
Food becomes
the last joy you have left.
When I'm done eating,
I'm depressed,
because I'm the furthest away
from eating again.
You know what I'm sayin'?
I just love how...
excited you are.
You look at a guy like this.
This is a guy who's...
You've been through something.
You can just see it on you.
Probably divorced, right?
Yup.
There you go,
there you go.
Kid? Probably have
a kid, right?
Yup.
Yup. That, that kid
ruined your face.
That's what happened.
That's it, dude.
How, how old are you?
I'm 55.
55.
I thought you were older.
Okay, I, um...
No, no, no,
look at me, look at me.
Look at me.
No wife, no kids.
I'm 64 years old.
People that are married
and have kids,
they always
look down on people like me.
They always say,
"We, we figured it out,
he never figured..."
Let me tell what I have
that you guys don't have.
Silence.
I wake up every day, I'm like,
"What, what's that I'm not
hearing? What is that?"
I look down, everybody's safe.
On with my selfish day.
You didn't think your life
was gonna turn out like this,
did you?
No.
No. No.
None of us do.
None of us do.
That's what life does to you.
But this is
what you're supposed to be.
Have the, the arrogance
of youth... I love it.
You probably have a lot
of friends still, right,
that you hang out with
and laugh and have a good time.
Not the old people!
Why do you think
they're here tonight?
They have to pay a professional
to laugh.
I just ran into a mic stand
on my special.
You think my life turned out
the way I wanted it to?
Whoo!
I've lost all my friends
to marriage, kids, sobriety...
gluten allergies.
I'm down to three friends.
Two I don't even like.
One I'm hangin' on to just
in case I need a kidney someday.
I've got a friend for parts.
I called him Kidney once
by accident.
I was like,
"Hey, Kidney... Kenny.
Did he... he didn't hear that,
did he?"
Is that Kenny?
You'll see what happens to you.
You'll see.
How old are you, Kenny?
I'm 29.
29.
Yeah, you're dumb too.
Life is gonna destroy you.
I wake up every day,
I think,
"Why did I drink last night?"
And I didn't even drink.
I have felt hung over
for the last 10 years
every single day.
When you're 29, you think,
"I'm not gonna end up
like these old people.
"I'm gonna be relevant forever.
"I'm gonna have
the perfect life.
"I'll never be in the hole
to the IRS or to the bank
and I'm gonna marry
the perfect girl."
That's what you think, right?
Yeah.
"And we're gonna have
perfect kids
and, and she would never
cheat on me."
And then life is like,
"Get in the hole!
Get in the hole,
get in the..."
"Get in the hole!"
"I'll never have my mom's hips."
"Get in the hole!"
We wake up every single day
in a hole.
We just wanna be
at street level.
We just wanna wake up even.
Not feel sore,
not feel any pain.
That's all we want.
My God.
Can I breathe yet?
I like gettin' older.
I really do.
You have something
to look forward to.
Do you know what I mean?
It's just...
It's nice to see
the finish line, it really is.
I almost signed up for the
military last year by accident.
Um... anybody else ever do that?
Anybody here serve?
Yes.
Thank you for your service!
Yeah, I said it!
I said it first!
I'm always the first to say it.
I like to be first,
'cause then it feels like I get
the most credit for it.
I was at, I was at the mall
and I saw the service people
coming at me.
I went,
"Thank you for your service!"
And then as they got closer,
I realized it was Girl Scouts
in the, in the uniforms, but...
better safe than sorry, right?
What branch?
Army.
Army, there you go,
thank you, thank you.
How old were you
when you went in?
18.
That's amazing, that really is.
That takes a lot of courage.
As I get older, I, I realize
how much courage it really takes
to go in at that age.
I, I, I didn't have it.
I, I never even thought
about serving,
but last year I was
in Salt Lake City, Utah.
Whoo!
And a guy comes running
out of the recruitment center.
It was on the other side
of a parking lot.
He scared me, he goes,
"Bro!"
"Wanna join the Army?"
I thought...
"Who are you talking to?"
He goes, "You!"
I said, "I haven't even had
my morning coffee yet."
I can't do anything
before I have coffee.
I can't even make coffee
until I've had a cup of coffee.
I mean...
Sometimes I have to make
a crappy batch
just to get to the good batch.
So he said, he goes,
"Wanna join the Army?"
And he was, he was dressed
in those camouflage...
fatigue...
he scared me, you know?
I said, "First of all...
I can see you."
Wouldn't... wouldn't it help
the sales pitch
if you were camouflaged
like a car bumper or something?
I said, "I'm,"
I said, "I'm, I'm too old."
He said, "How old are you?"
I go, "I'm in my 40s."
He goes, "You look
like you're in your 20s!"
I go, "Do I look
as dumb as Kenny?"
I never thought about serving,
but last year,
when that guy said to me,
"Do you want to serve?"
For the first time in my life,
I thought,
"Yeah. I do."
And that's when I realized
we're recruiting
the wrong people.
Let the young people
enjoy their lives.
Send people like me over there.
I've lived long enough.
I don't give a shit anymore.
I'm ready to die.
I know what we're fighting for.
I've got the fire in my belly.
I wanna start
the Fighting 40s Brigade!
I wanna put boots on the ground
with ankle supports.
We'll be the greatest army
in the world
because we won't care.
Bunch of...
we'll run right at the enemy.
Bunch of old guys in our
Hawaiian shirts running right...
"Shoot me, shoot me first,
I'm sick of life."
We'll have our flip-flops going,
"Flip-flop,
flip-flop, flip-flop."
They'll hear us coming
a mile away.
My dad just turned 70.
We bought him
an iPad for his birthday.
That is the cruelest thing...
you can do to an old person.
The whole time, he's going,
"Where did it go?!
Everything moves!"
Then my four-year-old nephew
waddles over, touches something.
"Okay, it's back."
My four-year-old nephew
is tech support...
for my dad.
The kid's a genius.
He takes my iPhone, I think
he's just touching the screen.
He, he found the App Store.
He's, he's downloading kid apps.
He cracked my passcode.
It's a thumbprint!
When are we going thumbprint
on everything?
'Cause these passwords
are getting hard...
When did websites start judging
the quality...
of our passwords?
"Weak...!"
"That's pathetic.
"You call that a passcode?
Come on, get to good.
Get to good.
Meanwhile, my bank card, the one
thing that has all my money,
is four numbers.
But my Hilton Honors Award
account
has to have a footprint,
an exclamation mark,
something in Swahili.
God forbid somebody hacks that
and gets a free night
at the Louisville Hilton on me.
Have you noticed
the older you get,
the further back in the pharmacy
you go?
When you're a kid,
you don't even go inside.
You're out front riding
that horsey for 50 cents.
Next thing you know,
you're up against the back wall
with the walker balls
and the diabetes socks
and pill cases so you know
what day of the week it is.
I'm sure eventually
a wall opens up
and they just suck you
into an old age home.
It's probably
right next to that chair
where you get
your blood pressure taken.
If, if the reading's too high,
the chair probably just starts
going back.
Grab a thing of Grape-Nuts
on the way out.
That's how you know it's over.
If you're eating Grape-Nuts,
that's the end of the line.
There's no hope in that.
It's a,
it's a black-and-white cover
with a piece of dead wheat
and...
the prize inside
is reading glasses.
Every time I see people
in the blood pressure chair,
the old people, I think,
"Whose bright idea was it
"to convince old people
to sell their homes,
move into an RV
and drive across the country?"
They're losing their eyesight
and their reflexes.
Let's put 'em in the biggest
vehicle they've ever been in.
I see those things coming,
I get the hell out of the way.
I treat it like an ambulance.
I'll drive up on yards,
you know...
This is the world,
and we're all the same.
We are really all the same.
I realized this the other day.
I was in Target.
You ever go into Target?
Yeah.
Yeah.
I love Target.
First of all, I'm overwhelmed
when I go in there.
There's too many choices for...
How many different size
Ziploc bags do we need?
There's an entire aisle.
When I was a kid,
there was one size.
If you didn't like it,
you went like this.
Now they have snack, snack plus,
quart, gallon, three-gallon,
jumbo, triple jumbo.
They have one
for the whole house.
You put the whole house in a bag
and you zip it up.
Freezer? Freezer...
They'll do anything
to sell you more bags.
Freezer... don't put the room
temperature ones in the freezer!
That's gonna void the warranty.
Every year they come out
with a new style.
The... this year they have
easy-open flaps.
Which means some people
couldn't figure out the zipper!
This, this was
too hard for some people.
People are writing in: "Make it
easier, make it easier!"
The Tide detergent aisle.
The Tide... first of all...
This is what's wrong
with this country.
We have scented trash bags?
If your trash
smells like trash...
take it out.
Rotten food plus Febreze smells
like rotten food plus Febreze.
There are so many different
detergents you can buy now.
The, the, the, the aisle,
the Tide detergent aisle,
There's a million
different scents.
There used to be one scent:
Original.
Now you got, like, April Fresh.
They're making scents up.
Months don't smell.
Nobody's ever gone...
"I smell like November.
How do I... how do I get
that April Fresh smell?"
I love the people
in the Tide detergent aisle,
'cause this, this is everybody.
Everybody's just smelling,
everybody...
And then when they find
the one they like,
they put it back and they grab
a new one from the back.
We are all the same,
we are all the same,
we are all the same!
Everybody is the same!
I went into Target...
listen to this.
There's no common sense.
We've lost our minds.
We have gotten so dumb.
I saw a guy on a reality show,
this is what he said.
He goes, "I'm gonna turn my life
around 360 degrees."
You're gonna be right back
where you started, you idiot.
You go 180, you stop.
You go 360,
your life's gone full circle.
Why... why don't you go 720?
Go, go... go 1080, just keep
going in... in circles
till you pass out
from your dumb.
I saw a guy
on another reality show,
he was so drunk,
he, he didn't... he goes,
"I, I'm so drunk,
I'm abbreviated."
Not inebriated, abbreviated.
He's inebriated.
His time on TV
should be abbreviated.
I mean, we laugh about it,
but it's a serious problem,
because the little kids
are watching so much TV
and you're picking up
secondhand dumb.
I went into Target.
I went into Target...
ready for this?
I went into Target,
bought a bunch of stuff,
used a coupon,
paid with my American Express.
The guy goes, "Sir, sir,
I need to see your ID."
I go, "What for?"
He goes, "Well, you know,
to make sure the card
isn't stolen."
I said,
"I just used a coupon."
"Why would I use a coupon
if the card was stolen?"
You got me there!
I'm busted!
15 minutes ago, I mugged a guy.
I felt bad, I wanted to save him
75 cents on April Fresh Tide.
There's no common sense.
It's like every year,
my cable bill goes up
by, like, a hundred dollars
and I have to call
and threaten to leave.
I'm not even nice anymore.
I just call 'em up,
I go, "Lower the bill."
They go, "Who is this?"
I go, "It's me.
Now lower the bill."
They go, "How do we know?
What's your Social?
What's, what's, what's your
street address? What's your..."
I said,
"I'm calling to lower the bill.
"I'm sorry, are people
stealing people's identities,
calling up and lowering
their cable bills?"
"Is there some sort of epidemic
I don't know about?
"Lower my bill!
Put that in the notes.
"'If anybody calls to lower
Orny's bill, lower it!'
"I don't care if somebody calls
by accident.
"Lower the bill.
"They don't have to know
my mother's maiden name,
"my shoe size,
my first pet's pet...
"they could call by accident.
"My next call
to you guys will be,
'Why did my bill go down?'"
"Some 12-year-old named Hudson
called up during recess..."
There's no common sense.
I find myself every day
making this face.
Every day I just go...
You ever catch someone
doing something dumb
and you roll your eyes
and they don't catch you
rolling your eyes,
so now you have to
re-roll them even louder?
"What?"
There's no common sense.
I got a ticket 'cause
the thieves in Los Angeles
are stealing
off of our license plates
the little registration year
sticker.
Yes!
Yes, and you don't know
your sticker's missing!
'Cause you don't go out to your
car every morning and go,
"Is my sticker still there?"
You don't know
until you get a ticket.
So I called the DMV, I said,
"Hey, there's a mix-up.
I got a ticket
but my car is registered."
And she says, she goes, "Sir,
sir, you need to prove to us
that your car is registered."
I said, "I'm sorry,
am I talking to the DMV?"
"Isn't that a little piece
of information you should have?"
She goes, "Sir, it's policy.
You need to send us
a copy of your registration."
I said, "I don't even know
where that is!"
She said, "We'd be happy
to send you a copy..."
to send back to us."
This is the sick world
that I live in!
I didn't even
open up the envelope.
I just wrote "Return to sender."
Every day is a fight,
it's a struggle.
My printer broke, I call,
I call customer service.
By the way, have you noticed
when your cable goes out,
they don't try and fix it.
The first thing they do
is they try and bundle you.
"We notice you don't have
phone service with us.
Would you like
phone service with us?"
"No, 'cause then
I wouldn't be able to make
this phone call right now."
"Fix my cable,
then sell me stuff."
I like when you call up
and the first thing you hear is,
"Please listen carefully, as our
menu options have changed."
If your customers are memorizing
your menu options...
fix your product.
My printer broke, I call H-P.
The first thing they say...
"Is it plugged in?"
"Yeah, I, I'm an adult.
"Did I, did I call
the kiddie line? Is this..."
The guy got nervous, he goes,
"Well, can I ask you,
what, what are you
using the printer for?"
"I'm using it to iron.
Is that the problem?"
"I, I'm making flapjacks.
"Sometimes I open the hood,
I put the batter in there
"and then I hit 'Print'
with my foot.
"Am I using it wrong?
Fix my printer!"
Every day is a fight.
Every day is a struggle.
I got into a fight
with a waitress.
I asked her, I go,
"What's good on the menu?"
And then she didn't suggest
anything I wanted.
So I had to have
that discussion with her.
I said, "How's the burger?"
She goes, "I don't know.
I don't eat meat."
Now she's gonna turn my meal
into a political protest.
She goes, "I'm a vegan."
You know how they say it
all judgmental sometimes?
"I'm a vegan."
I go, "Well, I'm a me-gan."
You know what I told her?
"You know why I eat meat?
Because we made it
to the top of the food chain."
That's right.
The cow had a chance
to stand up
and learn a language like us.
But the cow stayed down!
The cow stayed down!
You know why I eat meat?
What's in the word "meat"?
Eat.
The word is actually
"me eat."
It couldn't be any clearer,
unless they added
the extra "E."
Me-e-e-eat.
It's probably
how it got its name.
One day, a caveman's chewing
on a bison leg.
The other one's like,
"What's that?"
"Me eat!
"Me want, me eat."
You know what's
in the word "vegan"?
Nothing!
It's probably short for,
"Vegetables again?"
Every day is a fight.
That's why I like doing this.
When I'm up here,
this is the only part
of my day that feels right.
This is, this is justice for me.
The rest of the day is a fight.
It's a struggle.
People don't listen to me
during regular hours.
People...
I say stuff, I get in trouble
all the time.
People don't love me
the way you guys love me.
This, this is justice.
This is ju... I was in Chicago,
and a guy came up to me
and he said,
"Seven years ago,
I saw you for the first time
"and I've come back
every single year to see you
"with the woman I met on
a blind date that first night.
And we now have
a three-year-old kid."
And in that moment,
I realized how little
I have gotten done
in the last seven years.
This is justice.
I don't have this
in my real life.
Dating?
My last relationship ended
because, well,
we were different.
I, I was a morning person
and she was nuts.
Complicated. Do I have
to say "complicated" now?
Do I have to clean it up for
the stupid little
millennials and say,
"She was complicated.
She was complicated."
She was nuts!
I was always in trouble.
Listen, I thought I was being
romantic one night,
ready for this?
Everything was "mean."
She was always, "You're mean."
"You're mean." Even when
I wasn't being mean!
Look at her put
her arm around him.
Do you say that to him
all the time?
Is he mean?
Is he mean?
Do you get it all the time?
- All the time!
- All the time.
We're not even being mean.
Are we?
I said to her, I go,
"Hey, do you mind putting
the half-and-half away?"
She goes, "You're mean!"
I didn't say,
"Hey, the half-and-half
doesn't put itself away
every day."
I thought that,
but I didn't say it.
I thought I was being
romantic one night.
Ready for this?
We're cuddling,
and she's very petite
and beautiful.
And I go, "You're so soft.
It's like cuddling
with a marshmallow."
I know it's wrong now!
Dumb me, I thought I was being
cute and romantic, you know?
Until I got the look.
Women, when you do
something wrong,
you get the look.
They just...
Their neck snaps back like...
They couldn't be
further away from you.
I had to start backpedaling.
I'm like, "Like,
a size-2 marshmallow!
"A stale, size-2 marshmallow.
"A strong, independent
stale marshmallow
"that we have sex
on the side marshmallow.
"I'm a marshmallow!
I'm a stupid marshmallow!
I'm..."
Wanna know the last thing
she said to me when we broke up?
The last thing as I was getting
the keys back to my house.
Now, people say things
in the heat of the moment.
She... This was bad.
She looked at me and she said,
"Do you wanna know why you
never made it as a comedian?
Because you're mean!"
And I thought, "Well,
thank God she thinks I'm funny
"'cause, you know...
Mean I can fix. Funny, you kinda
gotta be born with that.
That would've broken my heart
if she was like,
"You didn't make it
'cause you're not funny."
That would've devastated me.
We're not that smart, women.
If you wanna live
a happy life, okay?
Take the marshmallow example,
okay?
If you wanna be happy with him
that you think
he's mean sometimes.
And you wanna be happy,
you wanna be happy, right?
It it is so simple.
All women have to do
to be happy in this lifetime,
whatever your expectation
of man is,
lower it!
That's it!
Lower it to the ground!
Lower it.
Lower your bar.
Lower your bar.
Lower your bar of men.
We can meet ground.
We can meet ground.
We wake up in the hole
every day anyway.
We'll just stay there.
We're not that smart, men.
Why do you think our shirts
have pockets on the outside?
So we know it's on right.
I met a guy once,
he drove a truck.
I was just trying
to make conversation.
I go, "What do you drive?
An F-150?"
He goes, "250!"
I go, "What's the difference?"
He goes, "100."
That's my people.
That's my people.
That's my people.
Lower the bar.
And we're arrogant!
Every time I go out
with my married friends,
if a beautiful woman walks by,
one of them will go,
"Man, if I wasn't married!"
If you weren't married what?
I knew you when
you weren't married.
You weren't getting that.
That's why you got married.
Are you gonna go
not get her number
like you used to
when you weren't married?
Married men, they like to,
they like to look at other women
and when they get caught
they say things like,
"Well, I'm not dead."
Yes, you are.
See, that's what's wrong
with men.
We see virility and living
as getting women.
Women are more evolved.
You want to settle down, right?
You want the white picket fence.
We see that fence we think,
"Shit, I gotta paint that
every year."
We can't be what
you want us to be.
You want that romantic guy.
The guy in the movies.
The "Every kiss begins
with 'K'" guy.
That guy has ruined
more relationships.
You wanna know
what killed romance?
Terrorism. Well, now the guy
can't chase the girl
to the airport anymore
like in the movies.
He's gotta sit outside
at the curb texting her.
"I've decided I love you.
"You're the one,
but you need to come out
"'cause I can't
get past security...
"Damnit, there's a cop
behind me.
"Okay, I've gotta go
to the cell phone waiting line.
"When you come out, text me
and I'll swoop in just like
in the movies with the flowers."
We can't be what
you want us to be.
You want that romantic guy,
the big proposal
so you can tell your friends.
Girls love to tell their friends
about exciting things, right?
Every gir... First of all,
women are very smart
'cause they work together
as a group.
And every girl has
a little subgroup.
You have a committee.
Every girl has a committee.
And when she goes out on a date,
she comes home,
the committee has
a lot of questions.
All we have is one friend,
he just wants to see a picture.
No guy has ever come home
from a date
and his friends are like,
"Tell me all about her!
"What was she like?
Does she have any hobbies?
Is she close
with her family?"
No, get to the picture!
And does she have any
cute friends I can date?
They want romance, the proposal.
You ever see somebody
propose that you don't know?
Isn't that weird? I was out
to eat at a fancy restaurant.
Sitting there
at the fancy restaurant,
having a good time.
I'm, you know, sitting there
with marshmallow so...
There's some pressure
from her committee.
And the guy next to me decides
to ruin the night by proposing.
And he couldn't
get the ring out.
This stupid F-150 guy
didn't rehearse
getting the ring out.
It was stuck in his pocket,
he's sweating like I am.
He was like,
"I have a question!"
I'm like,
"This guy's having a seizure!"
All the women knew
what was going on
because a proposal, they can...
They can smell it
from miles away.
"It's a proposal!
Somebody's dream is coming true!
"Over here! Over here!
Come on in!
Get the boxes of tissues!"
Every guy in the place was like,
"I don't need
this shit tonight."
So now we all turn
to watch the big moment.
The guy got on his knee,
proposed,
and she said "no."
It's the greatest thing
I've ever seen!
I've never been happier.
To be that close to somebody's
lowest point in their life?
I was like, "Get in the hole!
"Get in the hole!
Get in the hole!"
I didn't think it could
get any better
and then all of a sudden,
the waiter started
coming out with a sparkly cake.
He had to do a U-turn,
he's like,
"Abort the mission!
Abort the mission!
Abort the mission!
Abort the mission!"
How did the guy not know?
How did the guy not know?
How did the guy not know?
How did the guy not know?
Women let you know
when they want something.
You don't tell us outright.
You like to play a little game
called Hint:
You Figure It Out.
And you better figure it out.
Like, a woman doesn't
ask to move into your house.
No, no, no, no, no.
She starts a little pile
in the corner.
Then they want a drawer.
I picture them
sitting around
with the committee going,
"Did you get a drawer yet?
Did you get a drawer yet?
"Did you take your toothbrush
and spike it in the bathroom
"like we did
the flag on the moon?
I am here!"
Then they take their hairs
and they throw 'em
all over the place!
"My kitchen, my bathroom,
my ceiling!"
God created women's hair
so men don't cheat.
We love you, women.
But we can never be
what you want us to be.
We're just too simple.
We're not smart.
When we meet women,
you know what we do?
We try and change you overnight.
Women know you can't
change a person, right?
That's right.
But you can break 'em.
That's what they do.
They take years.
They find a guy
that is good enough
and they chisel him down.
They chisel, and chisel,
and chisel, and chisel,
and chisel, and chisel,
and chisel, and chisel.
"And don't wear
the Hawaiian shirt
to the comedy show!"
Why do you think guys like
mowing the lawn so much?
We'd rather hear...
Than whatever you have to say.
It's the same reason you guys
blow dry your hair for so long.
It can't take that long.
You probably keep
wetting your hair
so that you can stay in there.
"I can't take
another word from him!"
Why do you think that thing
is shaped like a gun?
"He won't shut up!"
We love you, women,
but we can't be
what you want us to be.
We try, we can't figure you out.
You're too delicate.
You guys are like
that string
of Christmas tree lights
where if one
of the bulbs is out,
the whole operation is down.
You make one mistake,
she just shuts down
and you don't know
which bulb it is.
You have to guess,
"Is this the problem?
"Is this the problem?
Is this the problem?
"Is this the problem?
Is this the problem?
"Is this the problem?
Is this the problem?
"Is this the problem?
Is this the problem?
"Is this? Is this? Is this?
Is this? Is this? Is this?
Is this? Is this? Is this?
Is this? Is this? Is this?"
And the dumb man is like,
"Screw it, I'll just go
buy a new one."
What I'm trying
to tell you women
is get married as close
to your death as possible.
Men actually
get better with age.
It's biological.
You wanna know
what happens as you get older?
All of a sudden,
the TV commercials
start talking to you.
Right now, you don't hear 'em.
One day, you'll be sitting
around it's like,
"Are you a male
over the age of 40?"
That's me! What's going on?
Is everything okay?
"Do you not have as much
energy as you used to have?"
No, I'm exhausted!
What is it?
"Do you still print stuff?"
Yes, I do!
"You might have a treatable
condition called 'low-T'."
Low-T. Low testosterone.
They're making shit up.
This is like gluten
and Santa Claus,
it doesn't exist.
This is what happens
to men as we get older.
It's natural.
And they talk about it
like it's a bad thing.
Low-T is the greatest thing
to happen to men.
Every, every, every,
every bad decision I ever made
was on high-T.
Low-T is a blessing.
High-T destroys lives.
Nothing bothers Low-T Man.
I'm driving, somebody
flips me off in traffic,
Low-T Guy just keeps going.
I go out on a date,
I don't think she likes me.
Great, I'll get eight hours
of sleep tonight.
You wanna be happy?
Lower your bar,
we'll lower our T.
Let's meet halfway,
we can do it.
Thank you.
Orny! Orny! Orny! Orny!
Orny! Orny! Orny! Orny!
Orny! Orny! Orny! Orny!
Orny! Orny! Orny! Orny!
It's been a long road
and I really,
I can't thank everybody enough
who's been here for me.
And I, I thank you.
♪
very much for waiting.
Please welcome...
Orny Adams!
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
All right, we only have an hour.
Have I offended anybody yet?
We... it'll happen.
It happens fast!
We have gotten soft.
We have gotten soft.
Watch this.
What are you allergic to?
Nothing! Nothing!
Gluten wouldn't take down
our generation.
We're not allergic
to things like peanuts.
You know why?
Our parents made us eat peanuts.
They made us eat peanuts
until we weren't allergic...
to peanuts.
And if our throat
started to close up,
you know how they opened it up?
They shoved
more peanuts down it!
I'm not allergic to germs.
Watch this.
Shake my hand.
Look at that, that's how
you shake a hand.
I don't care about ger... listen.
I'm starting
to really hate people.
Let me start out with that.
I went to shake a guy's hand
the other day.
He goes, "No-no-no-no-no-no.
I just washed."
That's when I want
to shake your hand!
Not when it's filthy.
"Good timing.
I... I was about to wash.
Now I can fit another shake in."
Do you...
Do you see how crazy
it's gotten?
I was raised on germs, okay?
Germs are good for you.
I didn't wash my hands
until I was 22!
In my family, there were
five people, one sink,
one hand towel.
Five people
shared one hand towel
that never dried.
It's still wet.
When I got home,
it's still wet from 1989.
And I just found out recently
that none of us ever
touched the front of the towel,
'cause that's where we thought
everybody else was touching.
We all snuck around back.
Turns out that's where
the polio, scabies,
hand-foot, mouth, head,
shoulders, knees and toes,
knees and toes disease
was hangin' out!
We didn't have
antibacterial soap
when I was a kid.
No! The old germs
killed the new germs!
We didn't have this little
wussy pump soap
that you guys...
Can you say "wussy"?
Can you say "wussy"?
I don't wanna upset the little
millennial word police!
"Orny said 'wussy'!
Orny said 'wussy'!"
How about these people
on Twitter
that have five followers.
Why don't you just text
everybody you know?
I like germs.
Germs make you stronger!
We didn't even have pump soap.
We had a bar of soap.
We had a bar of soap
that lasted so long,
it rusted... it rusted!
It would crack and rust,
and in the cracks
there were rivers of mud.
This is what you used
to wash your hands.
I have an immunity.
I shake hands, I don't care.
I grew up in a time,
you're not gonna believe...
How old are you?
Me?
No, the kid...
What is this?
What... how old are you?
12.
12!
That's adorable.
Look at him.
Let me tell ya something.
What's your name?
Hudson.
Hudson?!
Right.
Hudson...
You not gonna believe this.
I grew up in a time, Hudson,
when salad bars,
there was no glass!
There was nothing
in between you and the lettuce!
It was like the Wild West!
People got right up in it!
You watched them.
You watched people like...
Ptuh! Ptuh!
They spit all over.
They spit all over it,
Hudson, and you ate it!
You ate it!
That was the price you paid
for unlimited lettuce!
Now you can't get near it.
The sal...
The salad bar, it's like
they got that glass up.
You gotta... you gotta
lean in against the glass.
You're... you're...
You can't get near the lettuce,
but your face is licking...
It's disgusting, the...
"I'm going in for the baby corn!
"Does anybody want the...
Hold my foot!
Hold my foot!"
I'm... I'm in a Level Two
yoga move,
trying to get the baby corn!
You know, we used to touch
door handles in the bathroom?
Remember that?
Wasn't so long ago!
Then all of a sudden everybody
started to take a paper towel,
like... like they
committed a crime
and they're wiping prints.
Now we got a problem, right,
'cause the eco-freako people...
have taken away
the paper towels.
They're making us stick our
hands into this... Dyson...
hand kidnap...
It's dangerous!
It's dangerous, it...
It throws your hand around
at 500 miles per hour.
It's narrow and you... and you
don't want to touch the sides,
so it's... it's like that,
the game Operation.
It's like...
Shit! I touched the side!
Now I gotta wash 'em again.
I got it this time.
Damn it!
And you still don't want
to touch the door handle, right?
So now... now you
gotta hang out in the bathroom
like you're a creep!
Waiting for somebody to come in,
and then slide by 'em
like a crab, like a...
some sort of military operation,
like I'm...
I'm doing CrossFit exercises
in the bathroom!
This is so...
If you have to catch up,
it's okay.
Get her closer to a microphone.
This is the world we...
We have gotten too soft.
We...
We have gotten too sof...
Now I've lost my place.
Quickly, where did
you come from?
I just want to make sure
we get it all.
Well, you don't have to zoom in
on the list, do ya?
Can we make this
look spontaneous?
You can't get me sick!
You can't get me sick!
We didn't have bottles of water
when I was a kid.
Filtered water?!
That's what your kidneys
are for!
We drank out of a hose!
And it wasn't even our hose.
We went up to some house
we didn't even know,
and we just turned on the hose
and dirt flew out
and spider eggs and... lead.
Lead runs through my veins!
We had to drink out of a hose
because we weren't
allowed inside of the house
until 5 p.m.!
I don't know what the parents
were doing till 5 p.m.
'Cause we weren't allowed
inside of the house...
until 5 p.m.!
Our parents, every day,
they said, "Get lost!
Come back at 5."
And if we didn't come back,
you know what they did?
They had another kid!
They didn't know
where we were all day!
I was with my friend Sean.
We were biking.
He got hit by a car!
We then sat outside of his house
until 5 p.m.
Until we were allowed in.
We told his parents
and then they stitched him up.
We have gotten soft.
We have gotten soft, Hudson.
I don't even know
if you're a millennial
or if you're... if you're post
a problem of the millennial.
But these millennials
are out here...
Where are people in their 20s?
That's...
the most annoying people
in our...
society, these...
These, look at 'em.
Look at 'em!
Look at this guy right here.
No, look at you.
Yes, you.
How old are you?
27.
27. You are dumb!
You are dumb!
He's so dumb, he's laughing
while I'm calling him dumb.
I'm kidding.
What is your name, buddy?
My name is Perry.
Perry, what a masculine name.
Um...
Let me tell ya somethin', Perry.
Your generation
came onto our planet...
and you ruined it!
You changed too much.
I mean, they're out there
right now judging me...
on a criteria
I did not grow up with.
I don't even know
what gender I am anymore!
I mean, I'm not being flip...
There's a lot of new choices,
and I haven't done
all the research, you know.
Maybe I fit into something else,
and I'm fine with that.
I'm ready for a change.
Millennials have
taken away all the fun.
It's not fun anymore,
do you realize that?
You... everything's gotta
be equal for you guys.
Everything's gotta be eq...
Can't be a man in bed, can ya?
What's... what's the fun talk
for a millennial guy like?
You're with a girl like,"
Are you my little equal?
Who's my..."
"Who's my little equal?
Who's my strong, independent..."
Get that guy
laughing right there!
Get it on him!
Look at him!
I haven't had an erection
since the millennials took over.
You have to have sex on the side
so nobody's in a power position.
These millennials
came onto our planet.
You changed the way we sneeze.
For thousands of years...
This was fine.
This... this is bullshit!
This is dumb.
This makes no sense at all.
The hand was made for sneezing.
This is a perfect vessel.
This... ricochets
back into your face.
I got stuck in there one time.
It doesn't work.
I wash my hands
several times a day.
I've never washed this.
I, I've never seen somebody go,
"I just..."
go into a public restroom...
"I, I, I just,
I just sneezed into my..."
there's not even
a name for this...
"my, my millennial pit.
I just sneezed into my..."
They're so sensitive
and they all come preinstalled
with ADD.
They all have ADD
and they love to tell ya.
"I have ADD!"
I'm like,
"You're lucky to have ADD."
In this day and age,
with all these distractions...
Can you imagine having ADD
in the 1600s?
Maybe a horse went by
every four hours.
You're out sit...
they're out sitting...
they're churning the butter.
"This, this, this sucks!
I've got, I've got a disorder,
something..."
"Something distract me.
"What was that, a leaf?
No, back to this, this..."
I'm so glad I grew up
before social media.
I, I really... I couldn't
handle that in high school.
Ooh... ooh.
I feel bad for the young people.
I mean, you know...
In high school, I,
I suspected I was a loser.
Now...
Now it would be digitally
confirmed, you know?
I can handle it as an adult,
you know what I mean?
It's like...
Hey, if it wasn't
for social media,
I wouldn't know how much stuff
I wasn't being invited to.
They're too sensitive.
Everybody's gotta just
chill out, chill out.
We've lost our minds.
And I'm not talking about
the gluten people, I'm...
I have been going
after the gluten people now
for 10 years, for 10 years.
People that have been watching
me for the last 10 years know
I was on top of this,
this fad diet
back when we thought
it was called "glutton."
Back when we thought it was
called "glutton."
It's a marketing scam to get you
to buy some products.
Now, I know
some people actually have, okay,
so I know it.
Don't, don't, don't go after me
on social media.
I know some people
actually have, you know...
'cause they come up to me
after shows.
They're, they're angry.
They'll come up and they'll go,
"Um, I don't think it's funny
that you...
joke about
'cisiasics' disease, um..."
Why's everybody laughing?
"Ciliastic" disease
kills millions of p...
All I'm saying is...
If it was real,
I'd know how to pronounce it.
That's what I'm saying,
I mean...
All I'm saying is
we've been on this planet
for 200,000 years.
In the last... 10, we all
discovered we can't eat wheat?
It's bullshit.
It's bullshit! It's bullshit!
Do you know that sometimes
if I eat a walnut,
my tongue gets a little itchy?
I've never told anybody this.
I just avoid walnuts.
I had to Google how long
we've been on the planet for.
Did you know the answer?
No.
Yeah.
Took me three days,
'cause I put in Google,
"How long..."
The first thing it suggested was
"boil corn."
I'd like to know that.
I didn't know
there was a recipe.
I've been guessing
my whole life.
I just throw the corn into a pot
and every few minutes
I yell out,
"Do you think
the corn is ready?"
So now I'm on YouTube
watching videos...
on how to boil corn.
People are making videos
on how to boil corn.
I'm leaving comments.
"Couldn't stop watching
your video..."
"on how to boil corn.
"Riveting!
"Watched all 12 minutes
even though it only takes eight
to boil corn."
They're making videos
on how to boil cor...
There are some real losers
in this world!
I'm telling you...
I'm telling you,
I've been after this.
I don't like fad diets.
I don't like f...
Like the, the new ones,
like the Paleo diet.
Do you know what that is?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Yeah. You eat, you eat
whatever the caveman ate.
Well, that makes a lot of sense,
since they all died
when they were 12.
These idiots are like,
"I'm gonna eat like a caveman.
"I'm gonna have it delivered,
just like the caveman did,
I'm..."
And how do we even know
the caveman was skinny?
By the pictures they drew
of themselves on the wall?
I've never taken a fat picture
of myself.
I know the skinny angle.
You, you don't, you don't think
the caveman was deleting the,
the, the, the,
the fat caveman self...
cave selfie sketch things?
You don't...
I don't like fad anything.
Now there's something
called Prevagen.
Do you know what this is?
It's a, it's a, it's
a supplement for memory loss
and it's an ingredient
they recently discovered
in jellyfish.
Because when you think memory,
you think jellyfish!
These things beach themselves
every single day.
And they can't find the ocean
and it's right behind them.
Going...
This is how ridiculous
we've gotten.
We've gotten ridiculous.
I was thrown off of a TV station
in Portland, Oregon,
because I was
making fun of gluten.
I was in Portland, Oregon,
and I was on a TV station,
and I, I said,
I said, "Gluten doesn't exist."
And the anchor got really angry.
She goes, "Yes, it does!"
I'm like...
well, it scared me.
I'm like, "Well, what, what,
what proof do you..."
By the way, this is in December.
Just so you know
for historical purposes.
I go,
"What, what proof do you have?"
She said, "Because we have
an entire section in the store."
And I said,
"Well, so does Santa Claus."
"Doesn't make him real."
And they threw me off.
They were...
they got that angry.
People were commenting on their
Facebook page so fast,
they threw me off.
And I thought, "Well, that's it.
"Who, who cares?
It's Portland, who cares?"
"Nobody's gonna ever hear
about it."
And then about four months ago,
I was, in North Carolina.
Yeah.
Are you from North Carolina?
Good.
By the way, good luck
getting unsweetened iced tea
in North Carolina.
I, I should have just stood up
in the restaurant and yelled,
"Who won the Civil War?"
"Give me a cup of We Won
unsweetened, please."
I'm in North Carolina, a guy
comes up to me in the street
and he said, "Is it true
you don't believe
in Santa Claus?"
I go,
"That's a weird to thing ask..."
"an adult..."
"in June."
I said,
"Why are you asking me that?"
And he said, "Because I read
a story about how you were
"kicked off
of a TV station in Portland
on your Wikipedia page."
And that's when I realized
one of these millennials
told on me!
So I went to my Wikipedia page
and, I printed it out
to show you tonight.
I know the,
the young people laugh.
Like, at a show once,
somebody yelled out,
they go, "That's cute.
You still print stuff?"
Yeah, I'm in my 40s,
I still print stuff.
You know what else I do?
I make plans a week in advance
and I keep 'em.
You know what else I do?
When I take somebody's picture,
I count to three.
Young people
just hold up the camera
and then they walk away.
I'm like, "I, I thought
you wanted a picture."
They're like, "I got 48."
I'm like,
"Where was I for that?"
Here's my actual Wikipedia page.
This is
my actual Wikipedia page.
And by the way, um, I've been
banned from making changes
to my own page.
I would change something,
they go, "What's your source?"
I'm like, "It's me."
"On December 10, 2016,
"Orny caused controversy
"on a local Portland, Oregon,
TV show
by implying Santa Claus
was not real."
Now, I didn't imply it,
I said it,
but I've been banned
from making changes.
Here are
the actual comments people left
on the TV station's
Facebook page.
This is "AM Northwest," ready?
I'm gonna read you two comments.
Cathy Hunt says...
Well, if she's gonna call me
out, I'm gonna call her out.
That's H-U-N-T.
Ready for this?
"I wish some people would be
more mindful of what they say
"on morning TV.
"My granddaughter just heard the
reference about no Santa Claus.
Thanks for opening up
that can of worms."
"I have changed the channel,
perhaps forever,
if your guests don't clean up
their act on morning TV."
How much, how much fun
is that house?
Hey, Cathy,
maybe your granddaughter
should be in school...
It's 10 a.m.
"AM Northwest,"
the TV station, responds.
"Hi, Cathy.
"Please tell your granddaughter
that Orny is just mad
because he's
on Santa's naughty list."
How old are we?
How old are we?
Is that shaming?
That feels like shaming,
by the way.
Then they start a hashtag:
#CoalForOrny!
Debra C. Taley says,
"He's an idiot!"
I'm sorry, T-A-L-E-Y.
"He's an idiot.
"Making fun of people
with celiac disease
"is not funny or cool.
I wouldn't pay money
to see him."
Then she does
the hashtag #CoalForOrny.
So I gotta put an end to this
right away.
I gotta,
I gotta do what people do
when they screw up
in the spotlight.
I either,
either have to go into rehab,
and I'm not giving up
tequila, or...
or write a retraction.
So this is what I wrote,
and I had to
handwrite it in after
'cause they deleted it so fast.
Here's what I wrote.
"Earlier today, I misspoke,
and I want to be clear.
"I know Santa exists...
and has celiac disease."
"Hashtag #OrnylsJewish."
I used to hate...
By the way,
Orny Adams is not my real name.
I changed it
when I was in college.
It was Adam Orenstein.
And, by the way,
that's one of the things that...
That's what's wrong
on my Wikipedia page.
They misspelt my legal name.
But I didn't, I didn't...
I changed my name
because I didn't like people
knowing I was, I was Jewish.
It was like, it was weird.
Like, people...
some people don't like Jews.
I don't know if you know that,
and I always thought...
I always thought,
"Well, you know what?
"Why don't you hate me first
for something else?
Then hate me
because I'm Jewish."
When I was younger,
people, people would say
anti-Semitic things.
They'd come up to me and go...
they'd go,
"You're cheap, you're a Jew,
you're a cheap Jew."
And I said, "I'm seven,
I don't even have money yet."
These gluten people...
No, we've lost our minds, okay?
If we go back
to that Portland bit, we...
People need to just settle down.
People need to just settle down.
We're just trying
to have a, a good time.
There's too many people
on the planet.
That's, that's what
I'm starting to think.
And if the Internet
has taught us anything,
it's that half this planet
needs to be medicated.
And by that I mean euthanized.
I...
Time to get rid
of some of these people.
I don't like mean people.
I don't like judgmental people.
I don't like people that don't
let people be people.
I don't like violent people.
I don't like...
that's right.
You know, like, like these,
these mass shooters.
The... wow, you got quiet.
Are there... are there
any mass shooters here tonight?
That was weird, right?
This is what I don't get
about mass shooters.
And I don't mean to make light
of something really serious,
but these people
go into movie theaters
and they, they shoot strangers.
If you're
that angry at the world,
don't you know people
you'd rather kill first?
Shouldn't the story be,"
"and then he invited everybody
he ever hated to a movie
and he shot 'em"?
I'm not even
that angry at the world
and I have a list
of 52 people...
53, 53 people in a...
We've gone nuts.
There are seven billion people
on the planet.
People need to stop having kids.
How often do you see
somebody with a kid
and you think,
"They shouldn't have had a kid"?
"We didn't need him.
Now we got
a little version of him."
There are seven billion people
on this planet
and we're giving tax breaks
to people that have children?
How about rewarding the people
not overpopulating the planet?
I should be able to cut out
the UPC code on my condoms,
attach it to my 1040...
I want a rebate.
You know this wasn't the plan.
You know
just a hundred years ago,
there was just a billion people.
God probably took a little nap.
Said, "Everything's fine
on Earth.
I'm gonna take a little nap."
Wakes up, goes, "What are they
doin' down there?"
"Seven billion people?
They're sluts."
"Give me the book.
"What did I tell them?
"'Be fruitful and multiply...'
That's a typo."
"I said, 'Be fruitful
and pull out.' Why did I..."
We have lost our minds.
Do you know now,
because of the glutonians...
everything has to have
a warning label?
20 years ago, there were
no warning labels, right?
That's right.
And...
and we were fine.
That's right, we were fine.
Sure, a few people died,
but we didn't need those people.
Water has a warning label.
Water... has...
a warning label.
Water... water...
water... water... water.
How much writing
is on your faucet?
How much writing...
first of all,
look at all the writing
on this bottle of water.
Look at it.
Look at it.
You... you see that?
I see it.
I don't like you.
Look at the writing
on this bottle of water.
Look at it, look at this,
look at this, look at this!
Look at all the writing
on this bottle of water.
How much writing
is on your faucet?
Zero.
Zero!
They're so afraid of being sued.
Everybody's suing everybody.
I'm suing four people myself
right now.
These class action lawsuits,
they're great!
You don't even know
you're suing somebody
until you check your mail
and there's a postcard.
"Were you in Best Buy in 2012?"
"I guess so."
"Did you buy a flat screen TV?"
"I think I did!"
"They might owe you money."
"I think they do!"
Where do I sign
this important postcard?
Then I tell everybody.
People are like, "Well,
you know, you look exhausted."
I'm like,
"Well, I'm suing Best Buy."
"A lot of stress in my life.
We're going into
closing arguments next week."
Water has a warning...
Look at all the writing
on a bottle of water.
"Warning:
Do not swallow cap."
I think we can afford
to lose those people, right?
Time to lose
some of the cap swallowers.
Now we're down to 6.5 billion.
"Do not refill."
Because maybe some of us
will figure out
the old stuff
tastes a lot like the new stuff.
They'll put anything on there
to protect themselves.
Look... "Warning:
This was bottled in a factory
where there were once
peanus... peanuts..."
Did I say penis? Oof...
"Warning..."
"Warning:
This was bottled in a factory...
"where there were once peanuts.
"An old... peanut might have
fallen into the water.
"There's a, there's
a shellfish factory next door.
"A shellfish
might have walked over
"and dipped its toe
in the water.
"Warning:
The guy who bottled this
may have had eggs
for breakfast."
"If you're pregnant, ask your
doctor if you can drink water."
"May or may not contain water.
If you're still reading this,
get help."
And water
has an expiration date.
Water can't expire!
It can evaporate.
If you open it up
and there's nothin' in there...
it went bad.
But as long as there's
something in there,
nobody's ever gone...
"Shit!
"It's sour!
Don't drink the water."
It sat in a lake
for thousands of years.
These people put it in a bottle.
"You have three months
to finish it,
then throw it out."
This is the world.
It's gone crazy.
Does any of this
make sense to you yet?
I love the way you smile.
It's just...
it's so effortless.
It just pops up.
It really does.
That's what I call
a pre-mortgage smile.
He smiles so easily.
Like you and me,
it takes, like, a second.
Like we go to smile
and then the, the, the world
drags our lips down and...
I get nervous
every time I go to smile,
because when I was a kid,
I smiled at a girl
and I got nervous
and my lip dried
and it got stuck
on my teeth like...
And every time I go to smile,
I think that's gonna happen.
I'm like,
"It's gonna get stuck again."
But you're great, dude, really.
I just love how,
how much fun you have
and how carefree you are
and you have, like, a nice,
little sparkle in your eye.
You probably still have dreams.
You think these people
have dreams anymore?
No, we have flashbacks!
We have flashbacks
to where it all went wrong.
When you're in your 20s,
you think,
"I'm not gonna end up
like these old people.
"I'm gonna live forever.
"I'm never gonna be
the, the, the guy
who wears a Hawaiian shirt
all year long."
That's my favorite type of guy,
where they just get old
and they go, "Screw it.
I'm goin' Hawaiian shirt
all year long."
"Take me to Tommy Bahama's,
give me the whole lineup."
There's a lot of 'em.
There's the one back there.
Here's a third one.
My God,
my audience has turned into
a Jimmy Buffett concert.
I better be nicer
to the millennials.
When you're young...
You want to know why you
get thick when you get older?
Food becomes
the last joy you have left.
When I'm done eating,
I'm depressed,
because I'm the furthest away
from eating again.
You know what I'm sayin'?
I just love how...
excited you are.
You look at a guy like this.
This is a guy who's...
You've been through something.
You can just see it on you.
Probably divorced, right?
Yup.
There you go,
there you go.
Kid? Probably have
a kid, right?
Yup.
Yup. That, that kid
ruined your face.
That's what happened.
That's it, dude.
How, how old are you?
I'm 55.
55.
I thought you were older.
Okay, I, um...
No, no, no,
look at me, look at me.
Look at me.
No wife, no kids.
I'm 64 years old.
People that are married
and have kids,
they always
look down on people like me.
They always say,
"We, we figured it out,
he never figured..."
Let me tell what I have
that you guys don't have.
Silence.
I wake up every day, I'm like,
"What, what's that I'm not
hearing? What is that?"
I look down, everybody's safe.
On with my selfish day.
You didn't think your life
was gonna turn out like this,
did you?
No.
No. No.
None of us do.
None of us do.
That's what life does to you.
But this is
what you're supposed to be.
Have the, the arrogance
of youth... I love it.
You probably have a lot
of friends still, right,
that you hang out with
and laugh and have a good time.
Not the old people!
Why do you think
they're here tonight?
They have to pay a professional
to laugh.
I just ran into a mic stand
on my special.
You think my life turned out
the way I wanted it to?
Whoo!
I've lost all my friends
to marriage, kids, sobriety...
gluten allergies.
I'm down to three friends.
Two I don't even like.
One I'm hangin' on to just
in case I need a kidney someday.
I've got a friend for parts.
I called him Kidney once
by accident.
I was like,
"Hey, Kidney... Kenny.
Did he... he didn't hear that,
did he?"
Is that Kenny?
You'll see what happens to you.
You'll see.
How old are you, Kenny?
I'm 29.
29.
Yeah, you're dumb too.
Life is gonna destroy you.
I wake up every day,
I think,
"Why did I drink last night?"
And I didn't even drink.
I have felt hung over
for the last 10 years
every single day.
When you're 29, you think,
"I'm not gonna end up
like these old people.
"I'm gonna be relevant forever.
"I'm gonna have
the perfect life.
"I'll never be in the hole
to the IRS or to the bank
and I'm gonna marry
the perfect girl."
That's what you think, right?
Yeah.
"And we're gonna have
perfect kids
and, and she would never
cheat on me."
And then life is like,
"Get in the hole!
Get in the hole,
get in the..."
"Get in the hole!"
"I'll never have my mom's hips."
"Get in the hole!"
We wake up every single day
in a hole.
We just wanna be
at street level.
We just wanna wake up even.
Not feel sore,
not feel any pain.
That's all we want.
My God.
Can I breathe yet?
I like gettin' older.
I really do.
You have something
to look forward to.
Do you know what I mean?
It's just...
It's nice to see
the finish line, it really is.
I almost signed up for the
military last year by accident.
Um... anybody else ever do that?
Anybody here serve?
Yes.
Thank you for your service!
Yeah, I said it!
I said it first!
I'm always the first to say it.
I like to be first,
'cause then it feels like I get
the most credit for it.
I was at, I was at the mall
and I saw the service people
coming at me.
I went,
"Thank you for your service!"
And then as they got closer,
I realized it was Girl Scouts
in the, in the uniforms, but...
better safe than sorry, right?
What branch?
Army.
Army, there you go,
thank you, thank you.
How old were you
when you went in?
18.
That's amazing, that really is.
That takes a lot of courage.
As I get older, I, I realize
how much courage it really takes
to go in at that age.
I, I, I didn't have it.
I, I never even thought
about serving,
but last year I was
in Salt Lake City, Utah.
Whoo!
And a guy comes running
out of the recruitment center.
It was on the other side
of a parking lot.
He scared me, he goes,
"Bro!"
"Wanna join the Army?"
I thought...
"Who are you talking to?"
He goes, "You!"
I said, "I haven't even had
my morning coffee yet."
I can't do anything
before I have coffee.
I can't even make coffee
until I've had a cup of coffee.
I mean...
Sometimes I have to make
a crappy batch
just to get to the good batch.
So he said, he goes,
"Wanna join the Army?"
And he was, he was dressed
in those camouflage...
fatigue...
he scared me, you know?
I said, "First of all...
I can see you."
Wouldn't... wouldn't it help
the sales pitch
if you were camouflaged
like a car bumper or something?
I said, "I'm,"
I said, "I'm, I'm too old."
He said, "How old are you?"
I go, "I'm in my 40s."
He goes, "You look
like you're in your 20s!"
I go, "Do I look
as dumb as Kenny?"
I never thought about serving,
but last year,
when that guy said to me,
"Do you want to serve?"
For the first time in my life,
I thought,
"Yeah. I do."
And that's when I realized
we're recruiting
the wrong people.
Let the young people
enjoy their lives.
Send people like me over there.
I've lived long enough.
I don't give a shit anymore.
I'm ready to die.
I know what we're fighting for.
I've got the fire in my belly.
I wanna start
the Fighting 40s Brigade!
I wanna put boots on the ground
with ankle supports.
We'll be the greatest army
in the world
because we won't care.
Bunch of...
we'll run right at the enemy.
Bunch of old guys in our
Hawaiian shirts running right...
"Shoot me, shoot me first,
I'm sick of life."
We'll have our flip-flops going,
"Flip-flop,
flip-flop, flip-flop."
They'll hear us coming
a mile away.
My dad just turned 70.
We bought him
an iPad for his birthday.
That is the cruelest thing...
you can do to an old person.
The whole time, he's going,
"Where did it go?!
Everything moves!"
Then my four-year-old nephew
waddles over, touches something.
"Okay, it's back."
My four-year-old nephew
is tech support...
for my dad.
The kid's a genius.
He takes my iPhone, I think
he's just touching the screen.
He, he found the App Store.
He's, he's downloading kid apps.
He cracked my passcode.
It's a thumbprint!
When are we going thumbprint
on everything?
'Cause these passwords
are getting hard...
When did websites start judging
the quality...
of our passwords?
"Weak...!"
"That's pathetic.
"You call that a passcode?
Come on, get to good.
Get to good.
Meanwhile, my bank card, the one
thing that has all my money,
is four numbers.
But my Hilton Honors Award
account
has to have a footprint,
an exclamation mark,
something in Swahili.
God forbid somebody hacks that
and gets a free night
at the Louisville Hilton on me.
Have you noticed
the older you get,
the further back in the pharmacy
you go?
When you're a kid,
you don't even go inside.
You're out front riding
that horsey for 50 cents.
Next thing you know,
you're up against the back wall
with the walker balls
and the diabetes socks
and pill cases so you know
what day of the week it is.
I'm sure eventually
a wall opens up
and they just suck you
into an old age home.
It's probably
right next to that chair
where you get
your blood pressure taken.
If, if the reading's too high,
the chair probably just starts
going back.
Grab a thing of Grape-Nuts
on the way out.
That's how you know it's over.
If you're eating Grape-Nuts,
that's the end of the line.
There's no hope in that.
It's a,
it's a black-and-white cover
with a piece of dead wheat
and...
the prize inside
is reading glasses.
Every time I see people
in the blood pressure chair,
the old people, I think,
"Whose bright idea was it
"to convince old people
to sell their homes,
move into an RV
and drive across the country?"
They're losing their eyesight
and their reflexes.
Let's put 'em in the biggest
vehicle they've ever been in.
I see those things coming,
I get the hell out of the way.
I treat it like an ambulance.
I'll drive up on yards,
you know...
This is the world,
and we're all the same.
We are really all the same.
I realized this the other day.
I was in Target.
You ever go into Target?
Yeah.
Yeah.
I love Target.
First of all, I'm overwhelmed
when I go in there.
There's too many choices for...
How many different size
Ziploc bags do we need?
There's an entire aisle.
When I was a kid,
there was one size.
If you didn't like it,
you went like this.
Now they have snack, snack plus,
quart, gallon, three-gallon,
jumbo, triple jumbo.
They have one
for the whole house.
You put the whole house in a bag
and you zip it up.
Freezer? Freezer...
They'll do anything
to sell you more bags.
Freezer... don't put the room
temperature ones in the freezer!
That's gonna void the warranty.
Every year they come out
with a new style.
The... this year they have
easy-open flaps.
Which means some people
couldn't figure out the zipper!
This, this was
too hard for some people.
People are writing in: "Make it
easier, make it easier!"
The Tide detergent aisle.
The Tide... first of all...
This is what's wrong
with this country.
We have scented trash bags?
If your trash
smells like trash...
take it out.
Rotten food plus Febreze smells
like rotten food plus Febreze.
There are so many different
detergents you can buy now.
The, the, the, the aisle,
the Tide detergent aisle,
There's a million
different scents.
There used to be one scent:
Original.
Now you got, like, April Fresh.
They're making scents up.
Months don't smell.
Nobody's ever gone...
"I smell like November.
How do I... how do I get
that April Fresh smell?"
I love the people
in the Tide detergent aisle,
'cause this, this is everybody.
Everybody's just smelling,
everybody...
And then when they find
the one they like,
they put it back and they grab
a new one from the back.
We are all the same,
we are all the same,
we are all the same!
Everybody is the same!
I went into Target...
listen to this.
There's no common sense.
We've lost our minds.
We have gotten so dumb.
I saw a guy on a reality show,
this is what he said.
He goes, "I'm gonna turn my life
around 360 degrees."
You're gonna be right back
where you started, you idiot.
You go 180, you stop.
You go 360,
your life's gone full circle.
Why... why don't you go 720?
Go, go... go 1080, just keep
going in... in circles
till you pass out
from your dumb.
I saw a guy
on another reality show,
he was so drunk,
he, he didn't... he goes,
"I, I'm so drunk,
I'm abbreviated."
Not inebriated, abbreviated.
He's inebriated.
His time on TV
should be abbreviated.
I mean, we laugh about it,
but it's a serious problem,
because the little kids
are watching so much TV
and you're picking up
secondhand dumb.
I went into Target.
I went into Target...
ready for this?
I went into Target,
bought a bunch of stuff,
used a coupon,
paid with my American Express.
The guy goes, "Sir, sir,
I need to see your ID."
I go, "What for?"
He goes, "Well, you know,
to make sure the card
isn't stolen."
I said,
"I just used a coupon."
"Why would I use a coupon
if the card was stolen?"
You got me there!
I'm busted!
15 minutes ago, I mugged a guy.
I felt bad, I wanted to save him
75 cents on April Fresh Tide.
There's no common sense.
It's like every year,
my cable bill goes up
by, like, a hundred dollars
and I have to call
and threaten to leave.
I'm not even nice anymore.
I just call 'em up,
I go, "Lower the bill."
They go, "Who is this?"
I go, "It's me.
Now lower the bill."
They go, "How do we know?
What's your Social?
What's, what's, what's your
street address? What's your..."
I said,
"I'm calling to lower the bill.
"I'm sorry, are people
stealing people's identities,
calling up and lowering
their cable bills?"
"Is there some sort of epidemic
I don't know about?
"Lower my bill!
Put that in the notes.
"'If anybody calls to lower
Orny's bill, lower it!'
"I don't care if somebody calls
by accident.
"Lower the bill.
"They don't have to know
my mother's maiden name,
"my shoe size,
my first pet's pet...
"they could call by accident.
"My next call
to you guys will be,
'Why did my bill go down?'"
"Some 12-year-old named Hudson
called up during recess..."
There's no common sense.
I find myself every day
making this face.
Every day I just go...
You ever catch someone
doing something dumb
and you roll your eyes
and they don't catch you
rolling your eyes,
so now you have to
re-roll them even louder?
"What?"
There's no common sense.
I got a ticket 'cause
the thieves in Los Angeles
are stealing
off of our license plates
the little registration year
sticker.
Yes!
Yes, and you don't know
your sticker's missing!
'Cause you don't go out to your
car every morning and go,
"Is my sticker still there?"
You don't know
until you get a ticket.
So I called the DMV, I said,
"Hey, there's a mix-up.
I got a ticket
but my car is registered."
And she says, she goes, "Sir,
sir, you need to prove to us
that your car is registered."
I said, "I'm sorry,
am I talking to the DMV?"
"Isn't that a little piece
of information you should have?"
She goes, "Sir, it's policy.
You need to send us
a copy of your registration."
I said, "I don't even know
where that is!"
She said, "We'd be happy
to send you a copy..."
to send back to us."
This is the sick world
that I live in!
I didn't even
open up the envelope.
I just wrote "Return to sender."
Every day is a fight,
it's a struggle.
My printer broke, I call,
I call customer service.
By the way, have you noticed
when your cable goes out,
they don't try and fix it.
The first thing they do
is they try and bundle you.
"We notice you don't have
phone service with us.
Would you like
phone service with us?"
"No, 'cause then
I wouldn't be able to make
this phone call right now."
"Fix my cable,
then sell me stuff."
I like when you call up
and the first thing you hear is,
"Please listen carefully, as our
menu options have changed."
If your customers are memorizing
your menu options...
fix your product.
My printer broke, I call H-P.
The first thing they say...
"Is it plugged in?"
"Yeah, I, I'm an adult.
"Did I, did I call
the kiddie line? Is this..."
The guy got nervous, he goes,
"Well, can I ask you,
what, what are you
using the printer for?"
"I'm using it to iron.
Is that the problem?"
"I, I'm making flapjacks.
"Sometimes I open the hood,
I put the batter in there
"and then I hit 'Print'
with my foot.
"Am I using it wrong?
Fix my printer!"
Every day is a fight.
Every day is a struggle.
I got into a fight
with a waitress.
I asked her, I go,
"What's good on the menu?"
And then she didn't suggest
anything I wanted.
So I had to have
that discussion with her.
I said, "How's the burger?"
She goes, "I don't know.
I don't eat meat."
Now she's gonna turn my meal
into a political protest.
She goes, "I'm a vegan."
You know how they say it
all judgmental sometimes?
"I'm a vegan."
I go, "Well, I'm a me-gan."
You know what I told her?
"You know why I eat meat?
Because we made it
to the top of the food chain."
That's right.
The cow had a chance
to stand up
and learn a language like us.
But the cow stayed down!
The cow stayed down!
You know why I eat meat?
What's in the word "meat"?
Eat.
The word is actually
"me eat."
It couldn't be any clearer,
unless they added
the extra "E."
Me-e-e-eat.
It's probably
how it got its name.
One day, a caveman's chewing
on a bison leg.
The other one's like,
"What's that?"
"Me eat!
"Me want, me eat."
You know what's
in the word "vegan"?
Nothing!
It's probably short for,
"Vegetables again?"
Every day is a fight.
That's why I like doing this.
When I'm up here,
this is the only part
of my day that feels right.
This is, this is justice for me.
The rest of the day is a fight.
It's a struggle.
People don't listen to me
during regular hours.
People...
I say stuff, I get in trouble
all the time.
People don't love me
the way you guys love me.
This, this is justice.
This is ju... I was in Chicago,
and a guy came up to me
and he said,
"Seven years ago,
I saw you for the first time
"and I've come back
every single year to see you
"with the woman I met on
a blind date that first night.
And we now have
a three-year-old kid."
And in that moment,
I realized how little
I have gotten done
in the last seven years.
This is justice.
I don't have this
in my real life.
Dating?
My last relationship ended
because, well,
we were different.
I, I was a morning person
and she was nuts.
Complicated. Do I have
to say "complicated" now?
Do I have to clean it up for
the stupid little
millennials and say,
"She was complicated.
She was complicated."
She was nuts!
I was always in trouble.
Listen, I thought I was being
romantic one night,
ready for this?
Everything was "mean."
She was always, "You're mean."
"You're mean." Even when
I wasn't being mean!
Look at her put
her arm around him.
Do you say that to him
all the time?
Is he mean?
Is he mean?
Do you get it all the time?
- All the time!
- All the time.
We're not even being mean.
Are we?
I said to her, I go,
"Hey, do you mind putting
the half-and-half away?"
She goes, "You're mean!"
I didn't say,
"Hey, the half-and-half
doesn't put itself away
every day."
I thought that,
but I didn't say it.
I thought I was being
romantic one night.
Ready for this?
We're cuddling,
and she's very petite
and beautiful.
And I go, "You're so soft.
It's like cuddling
with a marshmallow."
I know it's wrong now!
Dumb me, I thought I was being
cute and romantic, you know?
Until I got the look.
Women, when you do
something wrong,
you get the look.
They just...
Their neck snaps back like...
They couldn't be
further away from you.
I had to start backpedaling.
I'm like, "Like,
a size-2 marshmallow!
"A stale, size-2 marshmallow.
"A strong, independent
stale marshmallow
"that we have sex
on the side marshmallow.
"I'm a marshmallow!
I'm a stupid marshmallow!
I'm..."
Wanna know the last thing
she said to me when we broke up?
The last thing as I was getting
the keys back to my house.
Now, people say things
in the heat of the moment.
She... This was bad.
She looked at me and she said,
"Do you wanna know why you
never made it as a comedian?
Because you're mean!"
And I thought, "Well,
thank God she thinks I'm funny
"'cause, you know...
Mean I can fix. Funny, you kinda
gotta be born with that.
That would've broken my heart
if she was like,
"You didn't make it
'cause you're not funny."
That would've devastated me.
We're not that smart, women.
If you wanna live
a happy life, okay?
Take the marshmallow example,
okay?
If you wanna be happy with him
that you think
he's mean sometimes.
And you wanna be happy,
you wanna be happy, right?
It it is so simple.
All women have to do
to be happy in this lifetime,
whatever your expectation
of man is,
lower it!
That's it!
Lower it to the ground!
Lower it.
Lower your bar.
Lower your bar.
Lower your bar of men.
We can meet ground.
We can meet ground.
We wake up in the hole
every day anyway.
We'll just stay there.
We're not that smart, men.
Why do you think our shirts
have pockets on the outside?
So we know it's on right.
I met a guy once,
he drove a truck.
I was just trying
to make conversation.
I go, "What do you drive?
An F-150?"
He goes, "250!"
I go, "What's the difference?"
He goes, "100."
That's my people.
That's my people.
That's my people.
Lower the bar.
And we're arrogant!
Every time I go out
with my married friends,
if a beautiful woman walks by,
one of them will go,
"Man, if I wasn't married!"
If you weren't married what?
I knew you when
you weren't married.
You weren't getting that.
That's why you got married.
Are you gonna go
not get her number
like you used to
when you weren't married?
Married men, they like to,
they like to look at other women
and when they get caught
they say things like,
"Well, I'm not dead."
Yes, you are.
See, that's what's wrong
with men.
We see virility and living
as getting women.
Women are more evolved.
You want to settle down, right?
You want the white picket fence.
We see that fence we think,
"Shit, I gotta paint that
every year."
We can't be what
you want us to be.
You want that romantic guy.
The guy in the movies.
The "Every kiss begins
with 'K'" guy.
That guy has ruined
more relationships.
You wanna know
what killed romance?
Terrorism. Well, now the guy
can't chase the girl
to the airport anymore
like in the movies.
He's gotta sit outside
at the curb texting her.
"I've decided I love you.
"You're the one,
but you need to come out
"'cause I can't
get past security...
"Damnit, there's a cop
behind me.
"Okay, I've gotta go
to the cell phone waiting line.
"When you come out, text me
and I'll swoop in just like
in the movies with the flowers."
We can't be what
you want us to be.
You want that romantic guy,
the big proposal
so you can tell your friends.
Girls love to tell their friends
about exciting things, right?
Every gir... First of all,
women are very smart
'cause they work together
as a group.
And every girl has
a little subgroup.
You have a committee.
Every girl has a committee.
And when she goes out on a date,
she comes home,
the committee has
a lot of questions.
All we have is one friend,
he just wants to see a picture.
No guy has ever come home
from a date
and his friends are like,
"Tell me all about her!
"What was she like?
Does she have any hobbies?
Is she close
with her family?"
No, get to the picture!
And does she have any
cute friends I can date?
They want romance, the proposal.
You ever see somebody
propose that you don't know?
Isn't that weird? I was out
to eat at a fancy restaurant.
Sitting there
at the fancy restaurant,
having a good time.
I'm, you know, sitting there
with marshmallow so...
There's some pressure
from her committee.
And the guy next to me decides
to ruin the night by proposing.
And he couldn't
get the ring out.
This stupid F-150 guy
didn't rehearse
getting the ring out.
It was stuck in his pocket,
he's sweating like I am.
He was like,
"I have a question!"
I'm like,
"This guy's having a seizure!"
All the women knew
what was going on
because a proposal, they can...
They can smell it
from miles away.
"It's a proposal!
Somebody's dream is coming true!
"Over here! Over here!
Come on in!
Get the boxes of tissues!"
Every guy in the place was like,
"I don't need
this shit tonight."
So now we all turn
to watch the big moment.
The guy got on his knee,
proposed,
and she said "no."
It's the greatest thing
I've ever seen!
I've never been happier.
To be that close to somebody's
lowest point in their life?
I was like, "Get in the hole!
"Get in the hole!
Get in the hole!"
I didn't think it could
get any better
and then all of a sudden,
the waiter started
coming out with a sparkly cake.
He had to do a U-turn,
he's like,
"Abort the mission!
Abort the mission!
Abort the mission!
Abort the mission!"
How did the guy not know?
How did the guy not know?
How did the guy not know?
How did the guy not know?
Women let you know
when they want something.
You don't tell us outright.
You like to play a little game
called Hint:
You Figure It Out.
And you better figure it out.
Like, a woman doesn't
ask to move into your house.
No, no, no, no, no.
She starts a little pile
in the corner.
Then they want a drawer.
I picture them
sitting around
with the committee going,
"Did you get a drawer yet?
Did you get a drawer yet?
"Did you take your toothbrush
and spike it in the bathroom
"like we did
the flag on the moon?
I am here!"
Then they take their hairs
and they throw 'em
all over the place!
"My kitchen, my bathroom,
my ceiling!"
God created women's hair
so men don't cheat.
We love you, women.
But we can never be
what you want us to be.
We're just too simple.
We're not smart.
When we meet women,
you know what we do?
We try and change you overnight.
Women know you can't
change a person, right?
That's right.
But you can break 'em.
That's what they do.
They take years.
They find a guy
that is good enough
and they chisel him down.
They chisel, and chisel,
and chisel, and chisel,
and chisel, and chisel,
and chisel, and chisel.
"And don't wear
the Hawaiian shirt
to the comedy show!"
Why do you think guys like
mowing the lawn so much?
We'd rather hear...
Than whatever you have to say.
It's the same reason you guys
blow dry your hair for so long.
It can't take that long.
You probably keep
wetting your hair
so that you can stay in there.
"I can't take
another word from him!"
Why do you think that thing
is shaped like a gun?
"He won't shut up!"
We love you, women,
but we can't be
what you want us to be.
We try, we can't figure you out.
You're too delicate.
You guys are like
that string
of Christmas tree lights
where if one
of the bulbs is out,
the whole operation is down.
You make one mistake,
she just shuts down
and you don't know
which bulb it is.
You have to guess,
"Is this the problem?
"Is this the problem?
Is this the problem?
"Is this the problem?
Is this the problem?
"Is this the problem?
Is this the problem?
"Is this the problem?
Is this the problem?
"Is this? Is this? Is this?
Is this? Is this? Is this?
Is this? Is this? Is this?
Is this? Is this? Is this?"
And the dumb man is like,
"Screw it, I'll just go
buy a new one."
What I'm trying
to tell you women
is get married as close
to your death as possible.
Men actually
get better with age.
It's biological.
You wanna know
what happens as you get older?
All of a sudden,
the TV commercials
start talking to you.
Right now, you don't hear 'em.
One day, you'll be sitting
around it's like,
"Are you a male
over the age of 40?"
That's me! What's going on?
Is everything okay?
"Do you not have as much
energy as you used to have?"
No, I'm exhausted!
What is it?
"Do you still print stuff?"
Yes, I do!
"You might have a treatable
condition called 'low-T'."
Low-T. Low testosterone.
They're making shit up.
This is like gluten
and Santa Claus,
it doesn't exist.
This is what happens
to men as we get older.
It's natural.
And they talk about it
like it's a bad thing.
Low-T is the greatest thing
to happen to men.
Every, every, every,
every bad decision I ever made
was on high-T.
Low-T is a blessing.
High-T destroys lives.
Nothing bothers Low-T Man.
I'm driving, somebody
flips me off in traffic,
Low-T Guy just keeps going.
I go out on a date,
I don't think she likes me.
Great, I'll get eight hours
of sleep tonight.
You wanna be happy?
Lower your bar,
we'll lower our T.
Let's meet halfway,
we can do it.
Thank you.
Orny! Orny! Orny! Orny!
Orny! Orny! Orny! Orny!
Orny! Orny! Orny! Orny!
Orny! Orny! Orny! Orny!
It's been a long road
and I really,
I can't thank everybody enough
who's been here for me.
And I, I thank you.
♪