Opposites Attract (2015) - full transcript

Are you recording?

So what do I most like?

Waking up late in the morning.

I always wake up very early.

As they say, the early bird gets the worm.

Well, I like to take things easy.

I hate laziness.

I'm a vegetarian.

I'm a true carnivore.

Not a raw vegan.

I love vegetables, seitan,
tofu, cooked rightly.



A nice grilled steak, simple things.

But meat if possible.

White wine.

Lightly shaken, fresh.

Obviously red wine, with body, I mean.

Sea or mountain?

The mountain.

Sea! Sea all my life!

On TV?

A nice romantic film.

Yes, I'm romantic.

You can't tell, huh?

Don't listen to people
who say I'm a hyena.

On TV, I watch not much.



Sport, I like sport.

As I'm sporty…

Sport.

Well, my heart's team is unique,
like Mom. Juve!

Rome of course!

The most important thing
for me must be… love.

Obviously, after my son,

it must be love.

In astrology, love is always represented
by an opposition. In most…

Come on, answer!

In most cases,
Taurus are tempted to dodge…

To love truly,

it's necessary for the other to…

A straight line
inevitably leading opposites to clash.

FOUR MONTHS EARLIER

One licks my left nipple,
the other my right one.

Slowly, very slowly.

Then their tongues slowly go down
to my chest. Very slowly.

And I become the universe!

Doctor, the universe here
doesn't even touch me with a finger.

-It's just a fantasy.
-I should hope so.

Marika,

don't underestimate fantasies.

-They're the spice of a relationship.
-Really?

Good! Because I'm a bit
spiced up too, you know?

For example, the boy
who brings us our shopping, Karim,

you know how often I've imagined him
on top of me, with his pecs--

-Marika!
-They're just fantasies.

I don't do anything.

Yes, fantasies. Costs me a fortune
in home supplies though.

Do you go and do the shopping?

He talks so much, and then enrolled
in the Thai massage center.

€500 a month.

For sciatica!

-Wasn't it the cervical sprain?
-They sorted that out.

I know how they sorted it out.

-Pig!
-You see?

This isn't a couples' dialectic.
She's offensive!

Agreed, but she expressed
an opinion about you,

and it's a start, a way to meet up.

-You try it too.
-Oh yeah?

Slut! That immigrant must be 20.

Calm down!

And they can't say
damask makes you look old,

because with solid color, it's stylish.

Watch that car. Watch it.

We'll have the walls pastel,
because pastel's nice.

Biodegradable paint.
I care about the environment.

Change lanes. He's sleeping on the bypass!

We'll knock down the studio wall.
What do you need the studio for?

You have Dad's.
Then we'll knock down the other wall.

-We'll enter from the neighbor's.
-Didn't I tell you?

I didn't tell you! Lisualdi?

Her time is coming.

But I have no doubt.
I'm all for euthanasia.

If it happens to you, I'll unplug.

Look, in 500 meters,
we have to take the ramp.

Turn signal. Turn signal, I'm telling you!

Your daughter and I are separated at home.

So?

So instead of ignoring it,

you could give me a hand
and get her to understand.

She keeps making plans
like we just got married.

Fine, good.

I mean,
she does it for you, for your career.

How could you be credible? Just think!

A separated couples therapist

is like an obese dietologist.

It's about image, Stefano.

Das Bild.

Take me.

You know how many years it's been
since I made love to my wife?

No.

Thirty two.

Norman, I'm not like that.

I can't settle for the facade.

Well, then,

please let me have my study,
that I'm paying for, by Monday.

Clear out.

So, Via Gallia, 37. It should be here.

There's space too. Great!

Excuse me!

I can't get out.
Could you move just a little?

Sorry, did you hear? I'm blocked.

Listen, I'm late. Try the other side.

-But that's blocked too!
-Then sorry, it isn't my problem.

You should have noticed
the space was too narrow.

No polemics.
It's just about civil manners.

-Don't raise your voice!
-I'm not. I want to get out!

I bet if I'd been a man,

you'd have gotten into reverse gear
and looked for another space.

Because I'm a woman, you expect me
to get back in the car and move it

so I arrive late for my appointment.

You're wasting more time speaking
than if you moved the car.

By now, you'd already be
at your appointment.

I know people like you.

You think the world revolves around you
and you're a superior race.

Well, I think the facts…

Go on. Go right on. Attack me.

Feel a man.

All right, fuck you!

Bitch!

Shit!

With two entrance halls,
you'd also have two separate entrances,

one for the study
and the other for where you live,

like the lawyer opposite.

Yes, interesting,
but I was thinking of spending less.

Look, here's the landlord. Maybe…

Dr. Parisi wants to spend 1500 at most.

Parisi?

But…

-Stefano Parisi?
-Yes.

I don't believe it.

Ciccio!

Go, miss, I'll see to this.

Don't you recognize me?

Alessandro Torrini!

No way!

-How many, though?
-At least 20 kilos ago.

Remember at the sea?
"Dive in, Ciccio. The water's high!"

But we were all on our knees!

Yes. Nice joke. It got my ankle.

Ciccio!

At times, I stop
and look at my son in his cot, right?

-You have a son?
-Valerio.

Well, he's there,
and looks at me with those big eyes,

and shows me I'm everything for him.

And so I think,

"Who the fuck made me have him?"

Congratulations on your sincerity.

And you, Doctor? Married? Children?

Yes, and no.

In order, married, yes,
but separated at home.

Children, no.

-Sorry.
-It's ok!

My wife.

Sole, what is it?

It's at the other end of the city,
but if I have to come…

Fine. I'm coming. Yes. Bye.

All alike, huh?

It's a subtle mediation task.

But everything is, isn't it?

For example, you ask for 1800,
but I'm willing to spend 1500.

Why not mediate and go for 1600?

What do you think? Is it a deal?

Amanda! Come out! I have to speak to you!

Sorry, what's up?

The lawyer's stopping me
from seeing my wife.

I'm not stopping anyone.

It's you.

Did you find a place today?

There's no use bringing reinforcements.
The court's issued a restraining order.

You have to be at least 50 meters
from your wife!

It's you making me look like a criminal.

I never laid a finger on my wife.

I'm no one's reinforcement.
I'm here, in front.

And your chaos is annoying me.

Amanda! Tell them
I never even touched you.

I can swear it on our son's life.

Let him speak to his wife
and get it over with.

Lump it.

When a woman decides, she decides.
Sign the divorce, or we'll meet in court.

Were you born a bitch,
or did you graduate in it?

Yes, I got a degree.

But I guess you were born
a natural asshole.

Crivelli, don't complicate things.
I remind you this is private property.

A notification to the judge
could compromise your position.

Crivelli!

Come out. You're my guest.

I'm calling the police.

If the police come,
they can't do anything. You're my guest.

This time he seemed sincere.

He just wants to pay less alimony.

Don't worry. It'll start again.

Claustrophobic?

Can you believe it?

All of this mess because of a woman.

Nothing to be done about it.
It's in their DNA.

Then, this lawyer…

She's pretty, too.

A beautiful bitch. The worst kind.

Mom, I'm going to bed.

I'm not crying.

Yeah right. You've seen it 100 times,
and you always cry.

All right, goodnight.

Night, my love.

I'm in court today.
I don't know when I'll be done.

You'll eat with your uncle.

Remember your homework,
and no PlayStation.

Yes, Mom.

Wait.

I got you the croissant with cream
that you love so much.

-Thanks, Mom.
-Excuse me.

My kiss?

-Bye.
-Bye, sweetie.

-Have a good day at work.
-Thanks.

If she turns around by three,
she loves me.

One…

Did you bring the money?

No.

Well, then,

I'll take this.

Make sure you bring it next week!

Mr. Crivelli, where were you
when they removed your son's tonsils?

Where was I? I was working.

Were you working
when he had his First Communion?

My client was out of the country.

Well? Is it a crime
to be absent because of work?

Amanda, you tell them.

I didn't want to get to this point.

We have to defend ourselves
from men like your husband.

Braschi, if you're thinking about leaving
your wife, that's not the solution.

We've been working forever

on the issue of you and your wife
accepting each other's fantasies.

-You can't throw everything away!
-I understand.

But fantasies are one thing.

It's another thing to come home after work
and find Karim in our bed.

Karim is the delivery boy?

In your bed?

Since the spouses are not in agreement
regarding property relationships,

I ask that the court order
a divorce settlement of €50,000.

Fifty thousand? Is she nuts?

Amanda, tell them
that I don't have €50,000.

Who has that kind of money?

Did you discuss it the next day?

I've been at my mother's for three days.

That's the problem.

Your wife doesn't need a boy
who runs back to mommy.

Your wife needs a man.

And if you decide
that you want to be alone,

stop complaining and be alone.

You're right, Doctor.

I don't need Marika.

I can easily live without Marika.

In fact,
now that I've decided, I feel better.

Fuck it!

Ma'am, I have to be honest.

I turned to you to for protection,

not to destroy my husband.

First, let's decide who gets what.

Then you go back to him
and come to an agreement

even if he'll just take advantage
of you yet again.

Ma'am,

what did men do to you?

1 NEW MESSAGE

WE HAD A GOOD TIME LAST NIGHT

Honey, enough with the messages.

It's my birthday.
I have to respond to them.

-You have to go get the cake.
-I'm going.

-Is there any pussy?
-Dad, get a drink,

and don't embarrass us
like you usually do.

Are you crazy?

The last time I did that,
I met your mother! Come on.

Hey, you made it.

-Hi.
-Hi. Well?

-Happy Birthday.
-Thank you.

This is Mariasole.

-The wife.
-My pleasure, Alessandro.

This is Rita. She arranges what I do
on Saturdays and where we spend Christmas.

She's practically my wife!

This is Valerio, his son.

Come on, Ciccio!

Let's let the ladies chat,

and let's go give my sister
a nice surprise!

Directly from the summers
of our childhoods, Stefano Parisi!

Ciccio?

I'll leave you alone.
You must have so much to tell each other.

Damn! What a great birthday!

-Ciccio, come out!
-Come on. We know you're in there!

Come on!

Come out!

Ciccio, come out!

You can come out. They left.

If you want to be my boyfriend,
you can't let them treat you like that.

-So, you became a lawyer.
-So, you became an asshole.

Mom.

-Can I have another piece of cake?
-Of course, sweetie.

Is he your son?

You deduced that all by yourself?

I'd say we've started off
on the wrong foot.

What do you say if we just stop here
and then start over?

I have to think about it.

You won't get away so easily.
We want you to sing.

-Nice to meet you. Carolina.
-Hi. Stefano.

Where were you hiding him?

In old photo albums. I'm going to go sing.

Did you ever think about being on TV?

You have a piercing glance.

You have one that slays!

If you want to, let me know. I…

I'm a producer.

Yes. Thanks.

-See you around.
-Bye.

Come here.

When I said your mother was a bitch,

I didn't know she was your mother.

-But you like her.
-No.

She sings really well.

Honey, it's not what you think.

"We had a good time last night."
What the fuck does that mean?

Now tell me you go out with friends.

It's from one of my friends.

"I can't wait to do it again?" Fuck you!

It was a reunion of friends!

Fuck you!

What a shitty birthday.

You've always been a jerk.

Anyway, there's no pussy in sight here.

The only beddable one is that one there
with my grandson in her arms.

-A great ass!
-Dad, please! Come on!

Excuse me, but you're
a couples therapist. Give me a hand!

Hey, Ciccio, come here a second.

What a beautiful baby!

He has the same deep eyes as his mother.

Eyes to lose yourself in.

Look, he's your grandson.

-Ah, yes.
-And I think he wet himself.

We'll change him later.

Keep your hands in plain view.

Fuck you!

You have to be more convincing.
It's not a rhetorical question.

You really want to know
what makes your wife happy.

Rita, please tell me.
What makes you happy?

Fuck you!

Ok. Plan B.

The classics.

To open my eyes in the morning.

-To open my eyes in the morning…
-Fuck you!

To know that you are there
for all of my days.

Rita, in the love I feel for you,

I don't look for a profit,
nor for a detached sort of pleasure.

What I look for is pleasure…

In your satisfaction and happiness.

In your satisfaction
and in your happiness!

-What am I saying?
-It's Leibniz.

Leibniz, the one from Sampdoria.

Well, not everyone can recite philosophy
on the level of Leibniz!

Yes. He's quite a smooth operator!

To have a smooth operator like him…

And now?

Now it's time to tell her something true.

Rita, I lied to you.

I tell you 20 or 25 lies a week.

Even 30.

I lie
because I don't want to disappoint you.

I do it because I love you.

Rita, I know that…

I know that this is probably
the worst way to tell you.

But the most truthful thing
that I feel like saying is…

Rita, I'm a jerk.

Thirty lies?

Twenty. I exaggerated a little.

In my opinion, you convinced her
when you said, "jerk."

Hands!

Less traffic on the side street.

Real estate agents work with the doormen,

because doormen
never mind their own business.

It cost me €500 to be kept informed!

If they go with someone else,
I'll be pissed at you.

We just left a party where,
among other things, I was having fun,

to run home and convince the family
of a poor woman who just died,

to sell us her apartment?

But we don't need to expand the house.

We don't have any plans.

We don't have children.
We're not even a couple anymore!

Could you speed up? I knew
I shouldn't have gone to that party.

I spent the evening
with that man's hands on my ass,

and now we're losing the chance
to expand the house

because of you, because you can't drive!

What are you doing?

-I'm getting out.
-What?

From tonight on,
I'm sleeping at the office!

Stefano!

But I don't know how to drive!

Why did you punch someone?

Mom, I didn't punch anyone.
They punched me.

Dean, this school is responsible
for these minors,

and the fact that one boy attacked
another is intolerable.

I could sue you for negligence.

I understand your concerns.

But this seems to have been
just a little skirmish between boys.

-The judge will decide that.
-Mrs. Torrini--

I'm a lawyer. You've no idea
what kind of trouble you're getting into.

This is assault with bodily injury.
And since the victim is a minor,

the responsibility is yours
and the parents' of the aggressor.

So, remove the boy immediately,

or I will sue the parents
of all of my son's friends

for complicity and incitement to bullying.

This way, the others will beat me up, too.

And I'll make them go away, too.

Listen, I saw a film where someone hired
a lawyer for one dollar.

Would you be my therapist for one euro?

-Not without your mother's consent.
-You said she was a bitch.

Come in.

Do I have to make the shot?

You think you can? With your heavy butt?

Ciccio!

Then, I dream of playing basketball.

I throw the ball.
When the ball hits the hoop, it blows up!

I mean, it's a real massacre!
All of my friends die.

But how many have you killed?

Well,

if we count the ones from this morning,

we're up to

321.

So, 188 adults,

fifty-six classmates,
two basketball teams…

-Two teams?
-The ones that didn't pick me in tryouts.

Then, four of Mom's friends

and then the janitor. Four times.

-Does that count?
-Why do you count them?

So that when I turn myself in,
I won't make a mistake.

But…

Have you ever talked
about all this with your mother?

She won't listen to me.

All right, then, I'm going.

I'll see you tomorrow same time.

Tomorrow?

Bye.

Your uncle is coming to get you.
You'll stay with him.

Why can't I sleep at home?

Because I'm going to a tango lesson,
and I'll be back late.

Will you at least tell me
what you did today?

Luca?

I went to my analyst.

Ok. Did you have a good ti--

What do you mean, "analyst"?

What analyst?

My uncle's friend. The one next door.

Article 33.

When minors are involved,
the consent to therapeutic treatment

must be given
by the legal guardian, which is me!

Your eye is--

Don't change the subject.
I'll have your license revoked.

Is that clear?

Listen, I didn't treat anyone.

Your son invaded my office.

Anyway, your son needs help.
And I'm starting to understand why, too.

You have no idea the trouble you'll have
if you don't leave my son alone.

Someone has to take care of him,
since you don't.

I'm warning you.
I'm about to call the police.

Could you call the fire department?
I locked myself out.

Look who it is.
It's incredible, both of us here!

In the heart of Rome. What a coincidence.

-Really?
-Don't you remember?

I'm the producer,
from Alessandro's house. Claudia's friend.

-Carolina, right?
-Yes. In the flesh.

You know, the other evening
you really surprised me.

Not many men manage to do that.

Well, it's my job to understand
other people's problems.

Can you really understand so quickly
what's going on in people's minds?

-Depends on the people.
-Let's take the stairs.

For example,

what am I thinking now?

I'm a psychologist, not a psychic.

Then I'll tell you. Go that way.

I'm thinking

how sexy Stefano is

in a sweat suit.

Ok, all right. I was a little aggressive,
maybe a little too direct,

and to be perfectly honest,

I'm not here by chance.

But you already figured that out, right?

And in a world full of frightened men
incapable of taking the initiative,

we women have to go forward, right?

Go that way.

All right, Carolina.

If this is what you want…

You're at the peak of your fertility,
but you're not interested in kids,

because you're a career woman.

Sexually emancipated to the point

that your relationships never last
more than… three months.

Because either the man bores you,
or he runs away.

And you're right.
The world is full of frightened men,

who don't know how to take the initiative,
but I'm not one of them.

All right, then. Choose me.

Carolina, I'm sorry,
but I was with a woman

who told me what to do,
and it didn't work.

Good night.

-Evening.
-Good evening.

-What floor?
-The same as the young lady.

-You speak Spanish?
-Yes.

I studied for three years in València.

València?

The nightlife of València!

The girls are spectacular, right?

The most beautiful girls in the world.

-Good luck, friend.
-Thanks.

Wait for me a second.

My son doesn't need your help!

Weren't you…? Let's discuss it tomorrow.

-He doesn't have any problems!
-No self-esteem.

-You were afraid of your shadow.
-They tease him at school.

They massacred you.

Exactly. He's like I was.
He has no friends.

Well, you had me.

And he doesn't even have that.

He keeps a list
of people he kills in his dreams.

He's an organized boy--

He does what?

It happens,

but it's not normal
that he tells me and not you.

-Are you saying I don't listen to my son?
-Do you?

Of course I listen to him.

And what do you know about being a mother?

What do you know about what my son needs?

I'm getting an idea.
But I'll discuss that with my patient.

He's not your patient.

Luca thinks differently.

Does his opinion matter to you?

What do you want from me?

-Happy?
-I thought it would be better.

Everything all right?

How do I kiss?

I'm in paradise!

What the fuck? You kissed her?

Look, this woman, she's a hyena.

This is not the little girl you liked
when you were ten!

She's…

She's psychotic.

She's back.

Maybe I didn't explain myself well before.

I wasn't talking about spending
the rest of our lives together.

I was talking about
the next six to eight hours.

Look, I'm not so sensitive
about certain matters, either…

Afterwards you'll leave?

"Polar Opposites."

It has a nice ring to it as a title.
Do you want to make it a program?

Don't look through my stuff.

It's interesting.
How did you come up with it?

The programs are full of fake couples
who fake arguments in public, right?

Instead, I always deal with reality.

So, wouldn't it be better
to talk about real things?

Real couples who do real therapy?

Why radio? Do it on TV.
You have charisma, sex appeal, looks.

I can give you a hand.

I'll make a few calls,
then I'll let you know.

-We will see each other again, right?
-Yes.

I have a patient in half an hour.

Yes. I was just leaving.

Hey, kid. How are you?

-And you are?
-Manolo.

Why are you speaking Spanish?

Because I'm Spanish.

Here it says

that your name is Efisio,
and that you're from Chioggia.

Be quiet, kid, or you'll destroy me.

-Gimme that!
-Why are you pretending?

Ever seen a Venetian tango teacher?

Ok, I'll be quiet.

-But get lost.
-All right!

Listen, do you want this as a souvenir?

Give me the souvenir!

That'll be €50,
dear Mr. Efisio from Chioggia.

-Fifty?
-Luca. What are you doing here?

My uncle called,

and he said he wasn't coming by.

So, I went to bed.

I'm leaving!

So, you slept here?

-Great.
-Yes.

Listen, sweetie…

the man you saw

is Mom's friend,

that she hasn't seen in a long time,

and who needed a place to sleep, so--

Yes, all right, Mom. I get it.
Come on. He's your friend.

Yes.

But why do all your friends
that come sleep here yell?

Let's get you to school. Hurry up!

Don't run!

And anyway, I'm a great kisser!

Lying is the end of a marriage.

That doesn't mean
you have to tell each other everything.

We all have our little secrets.

But you should tell each other
the truth every day.

You could easily lie.

Who says you can't?

Real estate agents never lie.

Judicial truth and objective truth
are two different things.

The important thing
is not to contradict yourself

and to be convincing.

That's what I'm here for.

Mrs. Castelli.

Ms. Torrini. Good evening.

I expected you in my office yesterday.
Did something happen?

No. In fact, I should have called you.
I'm sorry. It's just that…

You know, my mom,
the swelling in her legs…

-Then the dog, poor thing…
-All right, I've prepared your case.

I wanted to go over it with you
before presenting it.

-We'll rip your husband to shreds.
-All done!

My husband.

-I wanted to give him a second chance.
-Great!

I have to thank that bitch
of a lawyer she's got.

If my wife hadn't gone to her,
I never would have met that therapist.

Nice to meet you.
Cristiano Ridolfi. You are?

Her bitch of a lawyer.

Valerio!

-Claudia?
-Do you realize what you've done?

I don't care that we've known
each other since we were little.

He's not a friend. He's an asshole.

I remind you, Alessandro,

that I am a divorce lawyer,
and he is a couples therapist.

Having him in front of my office
discourages my clients!

He has to leave. Talk to him.

Actually, no. I'll talk to him!

Valerio!

YOU HAVE TO LEAVE!

-Drive! Carlo wants to beat me up.
-Why?

-Because I like Giada, his girlfriend.
-Well, if she's his…

She's not really his.
That's just what he says.

What does she say?

-I've never talked to her.
-You like her, and you never talk to her?

I know, but I'm embarrassed.

I'll talk to this Carlo. Where is he?

-Which one of you is Carlo?
-Me.

Will you come to my birthday party?

Yes.

Everything ok?

Ok.

More together. A little more.

Come on. Happy faces!

One, two…

Perfect!

Happy birthday, dear grandson.

Thanks, Grandpa.

Dad, you gave him a Barbie doll?

He has to know
what the beautiful things in life are.

Do you want to open the other gifts
or wait for your friends?

-No one is coming.
-What? Did you invite them?

They'll come, you'll see. Let's hope.

Yeah, right! I already know
they're at Carlo's party.

Who's Carlo?

You don't even know who my classmates are!

Could you answer the door, please?

-See? They're here!
-Let's hope.

There. See how many gifts?
Aren't you glad?

Hello, everyone.

-Happy birthday!
-Thanks.

Do you need something?

No, I've come for Luca's party.

-You came.
-Who's missing?

Everybody.

Will you give me a hand
bringing in your present?

What do you mean by "give me a hand"?

Yes!

It's the power of rock'n'roll.

Considering the fact that my son
doesn't even play the flute,

congratulations! It's a perfect gift!

The drums are the heart of the band.

They keep the tempo.
Without drums, there's no band.

You haven't figured out
that my son doesn't have a band!

You haven't figured out
that this gift is therapeutic!

Drums are egocentric.
They raise self-esteem.

They'll help Luca fit in.

There's nowhere for me to fit in.

Don't you see they all blew me off?

They're all at Carlo's.

Then we'll go there, too.

-Where are we going?
-Why? Are you coming, too?

Fuck off!

I'm sorry,
but Luca Torrini isn't on the list.

-What list? They're little boys.
-You have to be on the list.

All right.

-Do you want to try the back door?
-No. Forget it.

Excuse me.
Is this where the birthday party is?

I have to deliver the cake.

Yes, it's here.

What were you thinking?
This is misappropriation.

-Come on. For a cake?
-Yes, for a cake.

Thanks for making my son into a criminal.
It's three months to six years.

What do you say, partner?

Should we surrender
or fight to the bitter end?

Let's fight to the bitter end!

-If they arrest us, we'll negotiate.
-You're crazy.

And anyway, we have a cake for 50 people
and not even one guest.

Look, I know men like you.

They use the child to get to the mother.

I knew a guy who trained his son

to steal ice cream from girls,
just to start a conversation.

I knew a little girl
who wasn't afraid of anything.

With one look, she was able
to understand my difficulties.

-How rhetorical.
-But it's true.

But what does that matter?
You were hopeless.

Why don't you understand
your son's difficulties?

You wanted to be a zoologist.

You made me free
all of the monkeys at the circus!

Do you remember that night?

Yes.

So, what happened to your dreams?

Where happened to the monkeys?

Luca!

INVASION OF MONKEYS IN GAETA

We always loved each other, of course.

And we fought battles together
for our country,

political and social battles.

Then what happened?

She suddenly went to the Gruppo Misto
and then to the opposition.

No, to the government.

Now with the government!
And anyway, you recalled me.

I can't stand him anymore.

He takes me to work. He picks me up.
He does the shopping with me.

Sometimes I tell him, "Go out
with friends, play soccer, do something."

But no way. He always has to be with me!

Maybe he's in love.

After 15 years?

Excuse me, but…

Your sex life?

Good. Great.

I don't take her home…

See, I don't think
you two need a therapist.

I came to you
because they said you were a bulldozer,

that no one can stop you.

When it's necessary.

If you'll allow me to say so,
you don't need a lawyer.

I don't?

-Doctor.
-Senator.

-Lawyer.
-Ma'am.

-Doctor.
-Your Honor.

Ma'am, I must thank you.

The doctor is really amazing!

-I'll come with my husband.
-I'll wait for you. Until then.

Senator.

-Goodbye.
-Goodbye.

Doctor, we have to thank you, too.

The lawyer suggested
a pact of mutual discretion

that works everything out,
so we're getting a divorce.

The victory of negotiations!

-Doctor.
-Ma'am.

I was thinking that for lunch we could…

Forget it.

Too bad! We could have talked about
all the things we've never done before.

Just a sandwich.

I've never taken a walk
on the beach in winter.

I've never taken a cruise.

I've never played such a stupid game.

You missed out on a little imagination.

Sorry if in the meantime I raised a son.

One point for you.

Let's see. I've never…

I've never had sex with two women.

You don't know what you've missed.

-Well…
-No, wait.

Two against one, or one against two?

-You're so predictable.
-Because…

Now, let's see. I've never…

I've never betrayed a woman.

Then why did your wife leave you?

I left her.

According to you men,
it's always the woman's fault.

I've heard a lot of excuses,
some rather imaginative, even.

She was no longer the woman
I fell in love with. Simple.

You need to revise the script
at least every five years.

That's how it happened to me.

Running away from love
is what you all do best.

All right then. Ok.

I wasn't in love with her anymore.
You didn't do much better.

-What do you know?
-You have a son.

I still haven't heard
anything about the dad.

Maybe I said that the wrong way.
I wanted to say

that generalizations
don't help us understand each other.

And you're really interested?

Yes.

I had just had the test,

and it was positive.

And I was happy.

So, I ran to the residence to tell him.

And his wife opened the door.

She had come to see him with their son.

He had been married for three years,
and he simply forgot to tell me.

I say this to avoid generalizing.

Did you hear?

A horse stables.

What? What are you doing?

Come on!

-Not a chance.
-Hurry!

Get off that horse!

Come on, hurry up!

Get up here! Hurry! Come on.

He kidnapped me! You're a witness!

Thieves!

Horse stealing, violation
of private property, and kidnapping!

You're crazy!

I'm not crazy. I'm Prince Charming.
I'm carrying you off on my white horse!

It's black!

You'll take the horse back, right?

PSYCHOLOGIST - PSYCHOTHERAPIST

Why don't you want to say who it was?

You ask your son.

Tell the truth. Was it Carlo?

-Carlo has been picking on him.
-Carlo again?

Why did he steal your clothes?

-Because he stole his birthday cake.
-What?

Dean, it's been a pleasure. We'll see
each other at the parents' meeting.

Say hi to your wife, the lawyer.

I will.

Come on!

Wow. I look like Belinelli!

You know, you'd be a cool father!

The dean bought it.

Yes, but don't get used to it.

I've never seen mine.

Mom says I don't need a dad,
but I think she's wrong.

Why don't you need one?

She says men have nothing to teach me.

Is that what she says?

How do you imagine your dad?

Like you.

I can't leave.
I have Luca at home with me.

He's with your brother.
I've always dreamed of doing this.

Hello. What's the first flight
to depart, please?

Rabat, sir.

The second?

Kabul.

Paris. Two tickets to Paris, please.

Is this normal?

We were supposed to board
an hour and a half ago.

You'll see. They'll work it out.

We inform the passengers departing
on flight 7457 for Paris Charles de Gaulle

that, due to technical problems,
the airplane cannot take off.

Airport personnel will give you
all the necessary information

for boarding tomorrow morning. Thank you.

And now? Are we going home?

Are you kidding?
I said Paris, and Paris it shall be!

The Arc de Triomphe is down there,
with all of the Champs-Élysées lit up.

Obviously, the Eiffel Tower.
Look how it stands on the horizon!

Beautiful, isn't it?

Sacré-Cœur, Montmartre, Pigalle,

Moulin Rouge.
Not that I'm interested in Moulin Rouge.

Right.

And then,

the Louvre, with its crystal pyramid.

If you pay attention,
you can see the reflections on the glass.

Do you see them?

Yes.

They're shining a little.

The boats on the Seine, do they go
up and down the river at night?

Yes. Actually, I reserved a private one
for just the two of us.

I reserved it. We can go in about an hour.

Seen from here, Paris is truly unique.

Sir, they didn't have Champagne
down at the bar, but I brought a surprise.

Remember though, be careful.

If they catch you here, I'll lose my job.

Don't worry, Braschi. Thank you very much.

Remember that we have
an appointment tomorrow?

Braschi…

I'm going.

Guys? And one, two…

What are you doing?

Are you using
your therapeutic techniques on me?

Of course!

-You have…
-What?

-Should we stay in Paris today?
-Yes.

Braschi!

-Well? How was Paris?
-You know how Paris was, right?

The Louvre, Champs-Élysées.

No! You know exactly what I meant.

How did it go with Stefano?

You're my brother.
You don't want the details.

Basically, we hardly left the room. We--

Spare me the details.
You're talking about my sister.

Speaking of details,
have you spoken to your wife?

About what?

You made peace at the birthday party,
but the SMS was real.

I resolved it.

I ended the other affair,
and I changed the phone number.

And for Valentine's Day,
I got this tattoo.

RITA, I'M A JERK

You must really have
a lot to be forgiven for.

And what will you give
my little sister for Valentine's Day?

I hope he doesn't give me anything.

It would embarrass me.

You can tell from a mile away
that you're in lo--

Don't say that word.

Why? What's wrong with it?

I don't know,

but I don't want to hear it.

It calms me.

You're in love!

We're not in love!

You've been dying for her
since you were little!

What was that thing you said?

"In love you have to come to terms
with your own inner truth."

Your words.

You posted it on Facebook.

I'm the therapist, so…

I give up. I admit it.

I want my first Valentine's Day.

-Get out of this body immediately!
-Stop it!

I want to do the romantic things
everyone does, that I've never done.

Like?

The classic candlelight dinner,
with that stupid, nauseating music,

and those stupid rose petals
spread across the table,

with a stupid cake,
two names, and a heart.

Luca!

If you tell anyone, I'll kill you.

The problem is that she's not a girl
who is easy to understand.

Where should I take her?

Maybe the classic candlelight dinner,

with all those stupid rose petals
spread across the table,

the nauseating music,
the cake with the names and the heart.

Who, Claudia? No.

We're not in love, right?

-No. Not that I can tell, no.
-Good.

Are you doing anything
for Valentine's Day?

Is it Valentine's Day?

So they say.

No way.

Again.

A friend of a friend invited me
to a Valentine's Day party.

A friend of a friend?

I found the invitation on the ground.

-And Giada will be at the party, too.
-And Carlo.

He's going to ask her to be his girl.

He told his friends in the bathroom.

What were you doing
in the bathroom with them?

They locked me in.

Do you have a plan?

Yes.

I'll go to the party and stop him.

-Plan B?
-No.

-An escape route?
-No.

I like it. No safety net. Play.

Anyway, it's useless.

Mom will never let me go.

When you were my age,

did you do something
to prove you had balls?

Yes.

When you were scared to do something,
what did you do?

I yelled "Geronimo."

Are you afraid of doing something?

Everything. If I don't go
to the party, I'll be a loser,

and Giada will be with Carlo.

What would you do in my place?

The important thing
is what you want to do.

Great!

-Geronimo, huh?
-You see?

I like it!

Hello.

May I help you?

Yes. I'm looking
for a present for a woman.

They say it's bad form
to give diamonds before age 40.

The film with Audrey Hepburn
has done so much damage.

What do you suggest?

You choose jewelry
based on the personality.

For Valentine's Day,

we suggest this.

Cute.

-What is the woman like?
-A hyena!

A repentant hyena.

A tough girl,
but… I've managed to soften her a bit.

Of course.
It'll be hard work, but we'll manage it.

Repentant, you say?

To this ongoing repentance,
we could add one of these charms.

Like this padlock.

Nice.

It's a gift that will instill
a desire for change.

Rebirth, and especially trust.

Because that's what we women want, trust.

Mom will be late.
Call me for anything at all!

Have fun.

Doctor, my new life begins tonight!

I hear a lot of noise, Braschi.

I'm starting over with Valentine's Day,
me and my Harley!

Your Harley?

The other day,
when the door wasn't opened to me,

I said to myself, "I can go it alone,"

and I bought myself the Harley.

It was my childhood dream!

I want to put an eternity
between me and love.

And where are you going?

Ladispoli!

That's only 11 kilometers away.

It's a start.
Thanks for everything, Doctor.

Good luck.
When you can, there's your bill to pay.

We're good like this, Doctor.
Born to be wild!

"We're good like this"? Braschi!

-Great news.
-Carolina, where are you going?

-Carolina, I'm going out.
-Dr. Stefano Parisi.

Your TV project will be produced
by the satellite channel TUA TV.

-No way!
-Yes!

The producer was crazy about it.
He wants you on video.

You'll burn a hole in the screen.

He wants to start immediately,
but we need a week to get organized.

-The program is in Milan.
-In Milan?

The production center is there.

What will I do about my office?

Twenty-four episodes
will be three or four months of work.

You'll come back full up with clients,
with your fees doubled.

They'll be lining up outside.

Can I think about it?

No.

Because this is your big chance,

and it's also the right time to celebrate.

Shall we uncork it?

THE HYENA

What happened to you?

Sorry. I was going to call you
in five minutes.

I had an urgent problem with a patient.

I don't think I'll make it.

All right, if it's work.

You could have told me.

Yes. You're right.
I should have. It's just…

Believe me. It just wasn't possible.

Sorry. This was important to me.

To me, too.

And this? Should I wrap it up for you?

I don't forgive you.

You've gone too far.

You made me wait the whole evening.
You didn't show up. On Valentine's Day!

I even put on a tie. And I hate ties!
I can't breathe in them.

What?

I need…

You said, "A romantic evening,"
and you don't show?

Now tell me who you were with.
You were with someone else, right?

Yeah, right!

-Yes?
-I needed…

You always say, "I love you,"
but instead, you always leave me alone.

I have to let you go.

Not "leave you." I have a customer.

I don't know if I'll forgive you.
We'll see. Bye.

He's a jerk, you know?

Sorry. How can I help you?

Well, I just wanted some flowers to

ask forgiveness for missing a date.

-For?
-To ask forgiveness for missing a date.

I was thinking about a dozen roses.
What do you think?

Or two dozen?

Still not enough?

I could set my alarm clock
to your jogging schedule.

Hi, Carolina.

Can we slow down,
or is someone following us?

I came to say goodbye.
I'm moving to Milan for a while.

Didn't Stefano tell you?

Stefano?

Your neighbor.
I gave him a Valentine's Day gift.

I managed to get him a show
on a satellite channel.

We just found out last night!
You're the first one I've told.

-Aren't you thrilled for me?
-To death!

It's really weird
that Stefano didn't tell you.

We're leaving next week.

Claudia!

What's wrong?

That little slut came
to throw it in my face!

Lower your voice. Rita is resting.

I have no problem with Carolina.
Well, I do. She's always been jealous.

Always been in competition with me,
and finally, she won!

Above all,
I'm pissed at that bastard, your friend.

And I even believed his excuse
about the patient.

Dunno. Weird.

Someone who organizes
a candlelight dinner,

with petals on the table,
the cake with the names, the heart…

Instead, he celebrated with her!

And how do you know these things?

-What things?
-Petals, cake, Valentine's Day.

It's what you wanted, right?

Did you tell him?

Did you tell him?

Fine. I told him. I was doing you a favor.

-What's the problem?
-What's the problem?

I thought I had finally found
the man of my dreams,

someone who understood
what I wanted before I said it.

But no! He knew because you told him!

Ok, but come on.

You know what the problem is?

The problem is that I have always thought
that you men are bastards,

and for one second,
I was about to change my mind.

Instead, no.

No! You aren't bastards.
You are huge, enormous bastards!

God!

Anyway, you never mix oil with powder.
You're a moron!

I'm sorry about yesterday.
I told you. I had a problem.

But if you don't even let me explain…

I need you. This evening is very special.

Tomorrow I have the separation hearing.

I'm ending
an important chapter of my life,

and suddenly the new chapter is missing.

Do you want to sulk? All right. Ok.

I'll call you tomorrow, after the hearing.

I hope you answer,
because I have a lot to tell you.

I don't want to tell it
to an answering machine.

Good night.

Mom, I have to tell you something.

Luca, sweetie,
I don't feel like talking right now.

-But Stefano…
-There, exactly!

I don't want to talk about Stefano.

-I don't see Mariasole.
-She'll be here.

-Parisi-Beck!
-That's us.

-Ms. Beck?
-She's not here yet.

Here we are!

I'm substituting for Marabini,

who was recused yesterday
by her client, Mariasole Beck.

Make yourselves comfortable.

Not the dog, ma'am!

Who, Stefano?

You don't mean to arrest me
because of my little treasure!

First, I must attempt reconciliation.
If you are willing--

-Not willing.
-It's going to get ugly.

I've not yet explained
the formula for reconciliation.

It's useless. There can be
no reconciliation with a man like him.

Did you hear? No reconciliation!

May I continue?

Neither of the spouses have any reason
to avoid the separation?

Have you made every attempt
to save your marriage?

Yes, Your Honor.

Then, we shall establish the mutual desire
for a consensual separation.

No.

No, a consensual separation procedure
is to be rejected a priori.

My client would have to consent
to allowing the man who ruined her life

to leave the scene
without paying for his wrongs,

wrongs as numerous as his lies.

-Here she goes.
-Claudia, what are you saying?

-Claudia?
-Do you know her?

This man is deceitful.

His whole life is a lie.

We are dealing
with an extremely able manipulator.

-Do you know each other?
-And you believe him.

He says you love him, and you believe him.
He says you're special. You believe him.

You forget that he's a psychotherapist
who knows how to use words!

When did you meet?

This man is a strategist
of the emotional mechanisms

that regulate women's feelings.

-Right. At the party.
-We women fall for it.

An impressive series of scenes
worthy of the fine actor that he is.

He steals horses, takes you to Paris…

-Paris…
-Paris? Horses?

This man is a narcissist,
in eternal contemplation of himself.

-He's a traitor and an egotist.
-Claudia, if you would let me explain.

Where were you on Valentine's Day?

I was with a patient.

-That's not true.
-You're right. I wasn't with a patient.

-Who were you with?
-Can't tell you.

-Were you with Carolina?
-No.

Yes. No.

Were you or were you not with Carolina?

Yes, I saw her. Before.
What does that matter?

That's what we'd like to know. What does
that have to do with this hearing?

-Who's Carolina?
-I'm getting there, Your Honor.

-How long have you been seeing her?
-What questions are these?

You're screwing her!

-What does she have to do with it?
-Carolina?

-You're screwing her.
-No!

It happened.
But that has nothing to do with anything.

It happened before you and me.

You and her?

You were with her,
and you didn't tell me anything?

I couldn't find the time.

You couldn't find the time?

Not even when we were in Paris?

Not even when you made me believe
that I could trust you?

Claudia, listen.
I don't give a damn about Carolina.

Who's Carolina?

You're right. She's not important.
The important thing is you lied to me.

You wanted to make me live a dream.

But instead,

it turned out to be a nightmare.

Listen, this morning I have
three hearings, as well as an orchitis.

What are we going to do?

Ms. Torrini,

I won't permit your client
to behave this way in my courtroom.

You're right, Your Honor.

My client made a mistake.

That is a slap!

TWO MONTHS LATER

Dora and Marilù are here
to tell us about their love story.

Before meeting them, I would like
to thank you for tuning in last week.

You've excused the fact
that I'm not a show business man,

and you continue to follow us
with enthusiasm.

My sincere thanks.

I'm getting an echo.
Did someone leave their cell phone on?

It's me. Excuse me.
I can't seem to get used to this.

Can we take a five-minute break?

-Break!
-Thanks. Sorry.

POLAR OPPOSITES

Claudia! Finally!

-Am I still your patient?
-Hi, Luca. How are you?

You can be for your whole life.

Good, because I need you.

-I'm at the place where my dad works.
-Your dad?

Yes. I told Mom I wanted to meet him,
and she gave me the address.

He's the only one
who can convince her not to leave.

Sorry, but I don't understand anything.
Leave? Where are you going?

To Canada.

They offered Mom a job,
but I don't want to go.

Luca, I don't think your father is
the right person to convince your mother.

They haven't spoken for years, so…

-Who will help me?
-Here I am!

-What are you doing with my phone?
-Nothing. I was playing FIFA.

Luca?

Hello?

-Is everything OK?
-Yes.

Can we get back to work? Norman is here.

Norman?

Didn't I tell you?
We're missing one guest.

-Since he's promoting this new book…
-He wrote another one?

Can we touch up Stefano's makeup?

No, I'm fine. Let's go. Let's do it.

He was with me
the evening of Valentine's Day.

I asked him not to tell you,
and he protected me.

Mom will be late.
Call me for anything at all!

Have fun!

Thanks, Efisio!

Yes, hello?

I'd like a taxi.

Look, a wise guy!
I don't remember inviting you! Get out!

-Why? Do you own this place?
-Yes. It's my father's!

-I'm not leaving!
-Hear that? The wise guy's getting tough!

Let's see if you have any balls! Drink!

Come on, drink!

Well?

Did you get drunk?

Yes. I did it for a girl.
It won't happen again.

This is a wild night!

Giada! You're beautiful!

What are you doing? Get down!

Carlo, fuck you!

I'll make you explode. Boom!

Get down! Hurry up. Come on!

Geronimo!

-Are you crazy?
-Leave him alone!

Stefano came to get me.
He stayed with me until I felt better.

Geronimo!

Yeah, Geronimo.

Come on. I'll take you home.

Come here.

But Giada is coming, too, right?

-I love you, Dad.
-I'm not your father.

He's not your father?
Who are we in the car with?

But he seems like he is, right?

-Swear you won't tell her!
-Sleep.

Let's make a blood pact.

Cut.

Let's say it's valid even without blood.

Come on. Sleep. Good night.

What an idiot I am!

You're growing up,
and I don't even realize it.

Come here.

I'm sorry.

-You take great photos, you know.
-You haven't seen the best one yet!

-It's too late now.
-Why?

Milan isn't so far away.

Come here!

To paraphrase Kennedy,

I feel like saying, we must ask ourselves

not what our relationship can do for us,

but what we can do for our relationship.

The answer is, "Nothing."

In my book, which you will find

in bookstores
and shopping malls everywhere…

The truth is
that true love does not exist.

-Bullshit.
-What's that, Stefano?

Bullshit, Norman. That's just bullshit.

Because true love does exist.

And I found it.

But I blew it like a jerk!

Excuse me.

Stefano!

-You can't quit like this.
-Well, I am.

You can't leave!
What will we do about the show?

You've got him. A big windbag.

Stefano, you can't do this to me!

I swear I will sue you,
and I'll skin you alive!

You're an ingrate, that's what you are.

After everything I did for you…

And what about us?

Carolina, there never was an us.

THE HYENA

I demand to see the asshole
who ran into me, is that clear?

No, don't come near me,
or I'll sue you! I'll sue you all!

I'm a lawyer, and this is
a limitation of my personal freedom!

Claudia.

Stefano?

Oh God, that hurt!

Wait.

How are you?

Good. You?

I was better before!

I don't want you to go to Canada.

Because I love you.

I love Luca, too.
I'm convinced that we can be a family.

-In Canada?
-Yes. Luca told me everything.

Luca told you we were going to Canada?

Yes.

That little son of a…

I remind you that he's my son!

I want to kiss you.

Not me.

I don't believe you.

Damn it!

Ouch!

There.

Over there.

Slowly.

Anyway, love is all about positioning.

Because we're all a little
like the blocks in Tetris.

We just have to find the perfect fit.

And then, if we can find a way to adapt
to the edges of others and accept them,

then it's perfect.

It's forever.

Smile!

A little closer together.

Perfect.