Operation Splitsville (1998) - full transcript
After a boy's parents decide to divorce, he creates a "support group" for all the kids from failed marriages in his school. When kids who's parents aren't divorced start to pick on them, they agree to cause their parents to divorce as well.
[music playing]
[bubbling sound]
[train whistle]
[alarm bell]
James, are you up?
I'm up.
[music playing]
Chris, up and at 'em, tiger.
First day of school.
[sniffs]
Oh.
[laughs]
James, what are
you doing in there?
Nothing, mom.
Let's get going.
James, slow down.
Here, at least wait until I
study the Heimlich maneuver.
Well, Chris is waiting.
Oh, that's right.
Let's see, what has it been?
Two Whole weeks.
Chris, honey, slow down.
So Ray at the
market said, I don't
know how they can afford a
new Lexus when they can't
even settle their grocery bill.
People will not
take responsible.
Careful, little
pictures, big ears.
Dude.
Dude.
How was Vegas?
Have I got
something to tell you.
I saw on TV that they
have this giant tower--
Hey, guys.
And a roller coaster
that goes around the top
like 3,000 feet up
and they strap you in.
Hey you dweeb who was there?
You or me?
Oh, yeah.
Tell me what?
That wasn't even
the coolest thing.
Hey, Chris.
The coolest thing was--
Hey, Chris, back from Vegas?
No, I'm still
there, duh, Ernie.
It's cool, huh?
When we went there was
this roller coaster--
Would you guys shut up about
the stupid roller coaster--
- Hey, Chris--
- I did something much cooler.
Hey, guys, wait up.
Great, wait for Walter.
Ah, he's OK.
Anyways, you'll freak.
The coolest thing was--
Hey, Chris, were
you on vacation?
[groans]
Toll bridge, pay a
quarter or go the long way.
I half a candy bar.
Go inside, small fry.
Mom, said you got
stop calling me that.
OK, medium fry.
First one over
the bridge wins.
Watch out, man.
I'm right behind you.
Go inside, small fries.
Tell us more.
Details.
Wait till we
get everybody, OK.
We need to know.
What's up?
In Vegas, I did it.
Oh.
What?
What did you do?
With the girl?
No, Ernie, what do you think?
OK, sorry.
Go on, go on.
So one night I snuck
down to the Strip.
The Strip.
Wow.
A strip club, like
with naked girls.
So I turned around,
and I see her.
And?
[school bell rings]
Ah, man.
[music playing]
[whistling]
You look hot, Elise.
But didn't your parents freak.
My dad's even the mayor.
And he's pretty much clueless.
I could have walked
out in my PJs.
Her parents split
up over the summer.
How do you know?
My mom heard it from the
guy at the farmer's market.
He said her mom ran off
with a golf teacher.
Poor Elise.
Mom and Dad would never do that.
My dad said only
lamers get divorced.
Your dad said lamers?
He said people should
stay together for life.
Like wolves and pigeons.
And goldfish.
Good morning, grade five.
My name is Mr. Roberts.
But you can call me Kenneth.
You know why?
Because that's my name.
Here's a lamer.
You may not know this,
but your teacher last year,
Mrs. Roberts, is my wife.
So I know all about you.
So what's your name?
Me, Arthur.
Ah, so you're Arthur.
[knocking] Excuse me.
This is Tommy Davis.
Hi.
See that he knows.
Knows what?
About me and Mrs.
Roberts last year.
What about you
and Mrs. Roberts.
[sighs]
No way.
Yes way.
Total love.
You never saw the way she
looked at me at recess?
And how she always gave
me the good crayons?
I'm talking the big fat ones.
Yeah.
Wow.
And you and her--
I mean, the two of you--
No, we never got the chance.
It was summer vacation.
She must have told him about us.
Oh, man, you are so busted.
You'll be in the fifth
grade your whole life.
Well, welcome.
You ready to meet
your classmates?
- Sure.
- OK.
People, this is
your new classmate,
just moved here from
Chicago, Tommy Davis.
No, Maddox.
Davis is my stepmom's name.
Oh, your dad's name is Maddox.
No, that's my mom's name.
Oh.
My first dad's
name was McAlester.
But when they got divorced,
my mom took her old name back.
Oh, when she married Mr.
Davis, you kept the name.
So--
No, she married Mr. Stewart.
- Who married Mr. Davis?
- Nobody.
That's my stepmom's name before
she married my first dad.
My mom married Mr. Stewart.
But he lives in
Brainerd, Minnesota.
So I came over here to live with
my stepmom and my first dad.
Last the way we
became the Brady Bunch.
Quiet.
Quiet.
Thank you, Tommy.
Why don't you go find
you seat over there.
This seats taken.
OK.
It's the first day of school.
Let's ease into it by
taking out a piece of paper.
That kid's a operator.
And writing about what you
did over your summer vacation.
[groaning]
Come on, come on,
what did she look like?
How old was she?
Did she have big-- you know?
- Blonde, 16, really big.
- Whoa
What was her name?
Ingrid.
Then what?
Then we did it.
Did what?
Did what?
Come on, details.
Hey, you guys, what did he do?
Ernie, tell your
brother get lost.
That's not fair.
I want to hear.
Nobody ever tells me stuff.
He had sex.
Now get lost.
Come on, Billy.
You're too little.
You can't hear this.
I want to know about sex.
I'm telling mom.
- Wait.
OK.
OK.
Sex is--
- Yeah.
- It's--
It's a guy and a girl when
they do something together.
Do something like what?
They share something
beautiful and sweet together.
- Like cake?
- Like cake.
Like a jelly doughnut.
OK, we told you.
So go.
Dopey kid.
Cakes.
It's some sort of seed, right?
And it comes out.
Out of your nuts.
How does it get
out of your nut?
They kind you just crack open.
Yuck.
Oh, my gosh, I feel
like I got to puke.
Because that's my name.
You see, that's just
what they did too.
How do you do it?
I mean, they talk
to you, really talk.
They look at me like my
spaceship just landed.
You're standing in
front of a blackboard.
I'm out running around
the soccer field,
getting sweaty and
dirty, just like them.
There's a bit of a difference.
You think that's it?
Soccer.
I have never gotten that game.
I mean, no offense, I know
they love it in Europe.
That's not--
By the way, my wife wants
me to ask you something.
She's got this cousin, Debbie.
And she's single.
No way.
No way.
No, no, no, no, this one, I
think you'd really like her.
She's a very interesting woman.
She has a collection of snow
globes from all over the world.
I think someone
wants to talk to you.
You want to talk to
Mr. Roberts, right?
I'd better excuse myself.
See you later, Ken.
You think about it.
Yeah, right.
Arthur.
I think we need to talk
Mr. Roberts, man to man.
OK.
I just want you to
know, nothing happened
between me and your wife.
- Oh, good.
- There wasn't time.
Oh, really?
No.
And I didn't want
anybody to get hurt.
You know?
That's very nice of you.
No problem.
Well, thank you
for telling me.
You're OK with this?
Yeah.
Are you?
Yeah.
[music playing]
There's the newbie
with a lot of names.
And 62 parents.
Louise the squeeze
missed the bus.
Go tell her Madonna called
and she wants her boots back.
No, you.
I dare you.
OK, I double dare you.
OK.
James wants to
tell you something.
Go on, James.
What's the matter.
You wuss.
Hey, what's going on?
What did you do.
Nothing.
That's just the effect
he has one women.
Give her some breathing room.
What's the matter, Louise.
Some weeks I go to my
dad's house, and some
weeks I go to my mom's.
Oh that's got to be hard.
But when school started, they
were switching, because my mom
gets home earlier.
But my dad didn't
want to do that.
And I forgot where I
was supposed to go.
Divorced junk.
Typical.
Look, you stay right here.
And I'll give your folks a call.
James, you're in charge.
Hey, Louise, is that
a tamaugachi you have?
What's his name?
- Hi, honey.
- Hi.
- You ready to go?
- Just a sec.
I have something to sort out.
These parents, poor kids
don't know which way is up.
Daddy.
Hi.
Here's my girl.
Have your bag?
Yeah.
Sweetie would you
Daddy a forever?
Sure.
Hey, Louise, you
know how to remember
which parent to go with?
What's your dad's name?
Raymond.
OK, great.
On the days you're going
to your dad's house,
wear your tamaugachi on your
right hand, R, Raymond, right,
see?
Then you remember all day.
Thanks.
What's your name again?
Tommy.
Oh, what a hottie.
Wow.
Here, it's energy.
It has the most caffeine.
You can't be sad and hyper.
Um-- hi.
Hi.
James, let's go.
How clumsy are?
You going to hang out
with the girls all day?
Get your thumb out of your butt.
Language, Christopher.
Hi, Mrs. Roberts.
All straightened out.
No problem.
You're going to your dad's.
And we'll give you a ride.
OK?
All right, thanks.
Let's go.
Come on, honey.
Come on, James.
Oh, man, I never
should have let her go.
[music playing]
Hi.
What's your name?
Can I help you?
Hi, Mrs. Clark.
Hi, James.
Come on in.
I'm sure James is
up in his room.
Oh, man.
What?
The moon is out.
No.
Let me see.
Oh, wow.
I'm in love.
Come on, man.
Give it back.
Wait, wait, a minute.
What's that?
What?
What do you see?
I don't know.
I think that's Ernie.
What?
Gimme.
That's Ernie's house.
What's he looking at?
[humming]
Mom?
Mom, close the window.
Turn of the light.
Put something on.
My God, Chris,
what's the matter.
Just-- just--
just-- just-- put something on.
Chris, I can't wear
clothes in the shower.
It doesn't work like that.
Whoa.
Come on.
OK, be careful.
You've got him?
I think so.
- OK, no, right there.
- OK,
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Got him.
That's fine.
He's going to
miss his parents.
Yeah but if he stayed
in there, they'd eat him.
That's terrible.
That's nature.
CHRIS: Come on, James.
Come on over.
Hi, Chris.
Come on.
Hold on, I'll be right there.
MOM: Dinner's in 15.
He's too old
enough to understand.
OK, you know what?
This is so unfair.
Let's not do this to him.
- This is crazy.
- Shh
All right, vanilla
pudding, my favorite.
James, your mother and I need
to talk to you about something.
Am I in trouble?
No, no, no, sweetie, we just--
we just want to talk to you.
We didn't want to
mess up your vacation.
But your mother and I've been
discussing a lot of things.
And we've decided to
live apart for a while.
Yeah.
Now this doesn't change our
relationship with you, James.
We still love you,
very, very much.
It's important to know that.
Mom is still mom.
Dad is still dad.
We'll just have our own places.
You can come visit
me whenever you want.
Hey, you know, it's
was kind of like TV.
Families don't always get along.
Yeah.
They always get back
together at the end.
[music playing]
MOM: If I'm not
here for any reason,
leave the keys in the car.
DAD: Tell James I'll call him.
[music playing]
[engine starts]
[music playing]
[sobbing]
[birds chirping]
Hey, James.
What was up with
your dad last night?
Huh?
I saw him packing the car.
Is he going somewhere?
Yeah.
Antarctica.
What?
You know that
ozone hole they have?
Well, NASA's been
trying to fix that.
And they need an
engineer to go up
in a special plane and stuff.
Get out of town.
Your dad, wow.
Hey, there's Ernie.
Huh?
Weren't you going to bust
him up for, you know, your mom,
knockers.
Hey, Ernie.
I told you I
didn't see your mom.
Yeah, well I saw you.
You think a stupid cap
hid your stupid face?
[school bell rings]
I wasn't looking at your mom.
I bet your dad
will be on news, huh?
I don't think so.
It's kind of a secret.
And you told me?
Thanks, man.
Anyone have the
math assignment.
I fall asleep watching MTV.
And I totally blew it off.
OK, everybody, let's hand
in the math assignment.
Anyone have the
math assignment.
Sam, would you collect them?
Sure.
Relax.
Just watch.
Mr. Roberts, sorry, it's
none of my business,
but you know Louise's
folks split up.
I think she had a
tough time at home.
And she's worried because
she didn't get her math done.
All right, Tommy, thank you.
OK, Thank you.
Louise, you can turn in
the assignment tomorrow, OK?
Oh, man.
What a scam.
Just cause her parents blew
it, she gets special treatment.
Give me a break.
There you go.
Thank you.
Uh, oh, you're back.
OK, little guy,
what's your pleasure?
What would you like?
I have donuts, cheesecake,
candy, chewing gun,
chocolate chip cookies.
No.
What's the matter?
Can't make up your mind?
Would you like me
to do it for you?
They call it the government.
All they do is give
people money who
don't deserve it and
stick their noses
into people's private affairs.
[car door shuts]
Looks like someone didn't
quite make it to the Antarctic.
And she's no Eskimo.
No Eskimos in the Arctic.
Let me get the camera.
Well, she doesn't kiss
like an Eskimo either.
Honey.
Well, just in case
the divorce gets ugly.
Marian, Stay out of this.
She's just as bad as he is.
I knew something was
going on over there.
Chris, James didn't say
a word about this to you?
No.
Well if you can't
tell your best friend,
what kind of friend is he?
Morning, guys.
Morning, coach.
All right, which one
of you is going to be
most valuable player this year?
Right here.
Last year it was James.
The year before Chris.
But you all have
the same chance.
Just do your best this year.
Yeah.
What?
Yes, coach.
All right, warm up.
Individual drills.
Let's go.
James, come on.
Don't let it go out.
Come on, keep it alive.
Liar.
Huh?
Hey, what happened?
Try to get up.
You OK?
Oh, it's a charlie
horse, James.
I know it hurts like a son
of a gun, but you'll be OK.
Just sit it out.
OK?
Yeah
Hey, guys.
Come on, play.
Good.
Good one.
I can help that.
Here, feel that?
Muscle relaxing?
Yeah.
Wow.
My second step dad
was a hockey player.
He showed me how to do this.
He was always
racking himself up.
How many stepparents
do you have?
Hm, well, let me
put it this way,
we could have a basketball team.
When you parents separate,
does it get to you?
Sure.
But it's like everything else.
You get used to it.
Last time I was the one
that suggested it to my mom.
Really?
The guy was a shrink.
You know what they say
about shrinks, right?
Nice guy, but totally bananas.
We were all better off.
So what about you?
Who left, your mom or your dad?
Who told you?
Did Chris say something?
Yeah, like he would
tell me anything.
No, I just noticed.
I mean, you're Chris's big body.
Now you're not.
You're like zombie man in class.
And you're asking
me about this stuff.
Think anybody else knows?
Nah, only a pro
notices this stuff.
[music playing]
Hey, James.
How's your leg?
It's getting better.
Do you know why your folks
divorced the first time?
At first, I thought
it was because of me.
Really?
You did?
It's called a guilt complex.
70% of kids get it after
their folks split up.
Wow.
After a while, I realized
my mom like blue eyes.
My dad had brown eyes.
Sometimes it's as
stupid as that.
My dad's the one
who walked out.
And my mom's bummed all time.
He's such a jerk.
How old is he?
39.
Ah coming up on the big 4-0.
Midlife crisis.
68% of men freak out
when they hit that age.
I care.
He's still a jerk.
Mom cries at night.
Yeah, that's normal.
She's still in stage
1, abandonment.
You mean, there's more?
It's OK.
It gets better.
See, right now her
self-esteem is history.
Her whole world is gone.
Except for you.
So what do I do?
Self-esteem stuff.
Tell her she looks
nice all the time.
Bring your breakfast in bed.
Breakfast in bed
is going to fix this?
Any time now she'll
hit stage 2, freedom.
She'll hook up with old
friends, get a new job,
or take classes and stuff.
71% of women do.
You really think so.
Just wait and see.
It's statistically.
[rock music in distance]
Yeah, I remember.
No, you wouldn't believe it.
He is ten.
I know, scary.
I don't know how my son
keeps getting older,
and I still say the same.
Uh, huh, yeah here he is.
Hello, Marcia.
Hello.
Yeah.
He's great.
OK, I'll speak to you soon.
Take care.
That was my girlfriend
from College.
I think I'm going to take
an art class with her.
Oh, I haven't done
this i so long.
I miss it.
I miss it.
It looks really pretty.
Thanks.
You think so?
You look nice today, Mom.
James, thank you, sweetie.
Come here.
That was sweet.
Come on.
[music playing]
Happy Valentine's Day, Mom.
Oh, honey, thank you.
Oh, that is so sweet.
Guess what?
Stage 2.
All right.
Listen, stage 2 doesn't
last forever either.
You're in for some
ups and downs.
Really?
Oh, yeah, it's
a roller coaster.
I mean, there'll be a
lot of ups and downs.
Hey, Tommy, I told Joey
what you said about birthdays.
His first one's coming
since his folks split up.
What about birthdays?
Ah, man, the two
great divorce paydays,
birthdays and Christmas.
Come on, tell us.
- We did it.
- Did what?
Sex.
You know when you get
together with a woman--
Yeah, yeah.
And you have something sweet
together like donuts and cake.
Ooh, I like cake.
That's not sex.
- Yes, it is.
- Is not.
- Is to.
- Is not.
OK, what is then?
Like some kind of dance.
You don't know.
Well, neither do you.
Yes, I do.
I'll show you.
My parents acted like
such dorks after they split.
Well, my friends
act like dorks
and they're still together.
Way to go, James.
Hey, Karen you want
to sit over here?
Listen, guys, yeah, divorce
is a drag, but you can work it.
Want to know?
Yeah.
OK, the big G, guilt,
you might feel it,
but your parents
feel it big time.
Why is this important to know?
Because if you work
it right, it will lead
to the other big G-- gifts.
Isn't this cool?
Rad.
TOMMY [VOICEOVER]:
They'll spend big bucks
to make you feel better.
Especially, if they
can one up the other.
You know those little annoying
rules around the house,
like a bedtime?
If you play it
right, you can watch
a midnight movie every night.
I've had all these
problems at home.
It's OK.
TOMMY [VOICEOVER]:
A little sob story
about problems at
home can really
help you get ahead in the
lunchroom and in a classroom.
Bridge is closed.
Come on, Chris.
Quit messing around.
I've got to get home and
get my book report done.
What do you care?
You don't have to do anything.
Just tell the teacher
your folks broke up.
Why don't you shut up
Make me, you liar.
Ew, dog turds.
Ew, sick.
[laughing]
Got him good.
No, that's not true.
Dan, no, I would
love to see a movie.
Yes.
As long as there's no
aliens or car chases.
No, that leaves
plenty of options.
Yeah, and you can choose
the restaurant too.
Wait up you guys.
What's his problem?
He stole a bunch of my mom's
text books out of the house.
He's giving sex lessons.
Sign me up for sure.
You guys are so weird.
Is it the battery
or the electrical?
What's happening.
Can't get it to work.
My showtime is in two minutes.
Thanks, Max.
OK, quiet down, everybody.
Now it being Earth
Day today, we have
a special presentation on the
endangered Amazon rain forest.
Now, to make it a
little more real,
I've included some pictures I
shot myself on a trip to Peru,
oh, 100 years ago.
Lights, please.
Here I am in a
Aquitos, on the edge
of the mighty Amazon River.
Next picture.
OK, smart guy, show us.
After you pay a quarter each.
MR ROBERTS: A region
of great wonders, some
never seen by the eyes of man.
The woman.
MR ROBERTS: To quote space lore,
this is the final frontier.
Next picture, please.
Setting out up the Amazon.
Now I admit to being a bit
nervous at this moment.
Not too sure about what
I was going to encounter.
Oh, please, hold your
questions till after.
Next picture, please.
Now here's a
picture with appeal.
Thank you.
Next picture, please.
The fiercest creature on the
river, the deadly crocodile.
Actually, interestingly,
they are considered
edible by the natives.
Next picture, please.
KID: That's James's dad.
Who did this.
Lights.
[laughing]
What was that all about?
Nothing.
He's getting a hard
time because his folks
are splitting up.
Oh, I'm sorry, James.
It doesn't matter.
Why did you tell him?
Because you can't
keep being ashamed.
It's not your fault,
they broke up.
I told you there was
going to be ups and downs.
This won't be the last.
I'm just sick of it.
The first year is the worst.
It's statistical.
Your folks will pull
you back and forth.
You'll live here and there.
When the kids keep the house and
the parents have to come visit,
that will be a
great leap forward.
In the meantime, you
just have to hang on.
And don't blow off
people who want to help.
Yeah.
Your dad having
fun in the Antarctic?
Sure looks like.
Was that picture
from your house?
What if it was?
Hey, look everyone
there's a fight.
[music playing]
Come on, get up.
You broke my tooth.
Way to go.
One for us.
No way, you fought girls.
And we kicked your butt.
Just wait till recess.
Quiet, everyone.
He broke my tooth.
Serves you right.
Karen, would you
wait outside, please.
Let me take a look at it.
Don't touch it.
Your hands are dirty.
Can I use the
restroom, please.
Yeah, go ahead.
[music playing]
Were you following me?
No.
I mean, yes.
You were very brave out there.
Are you brave?
Yes.
Owe.
No, it's OK.
Good boy.
Yes, the dentist
will fix it up so
you'd never know what happened.
What is it?
Keep still.
It's all right.
Can I have the rest?
Mm.
Come here.
Holy moly.
Wow.
Billy rocks.
James, James, fighting?
Breaking Chris's tooth,
what were you thinking?
I didn't do it.
Oh, so that means that Chris's
parents and your teachers
were lying?
- Yeah, whatever.
- Whatever?
I hate it when you say whatever.
Come here.
Let me see your lip.
Oh, look at that.
What kind of a mother does
that make me look like?
And what's your
father going to think?
He picks you up for
your first weekend,
and it looks like you
got hit by a truck.
Why do you care
what he thinks?
It matters.
It matters.
Listen, James, I have to
be able to rely on you.
OK?
Hey, you're the man
of the house now.
Well, then who's Dan?
What?
Did you have nice time
at the movies with him?
He's just a
friend from school.
[horn honking] Oh,
there's your dad.
We'll talk about this later.
Not fair.
Not fair.
You're going to look good.
Oh, my God.
What do you think?
Something, huh?
Ready to ride, James?
- What?
Are you out of your
mind on this death trap?
Come on, Bernice.
it's perfectly safe.
Don't be such an old fudd.
Listen, if you want to
relive your adolescents,
do it by yourself.
My son is not getting
on this machine.
He's my son too.
Well, I would think you'd be
more concerned for his safety
then.
- I am.
That's why I got him my helmet
and he's going to ride with me.
This is ridiculous, walking
here with the $10,000 Harley
sitting in the driveway.
Still, it's pretty rad, huh?
Yeah.
Look, James, I
know it's kind of
impractical, but heck with it.
You only live once.
Size nine and--
Size five.
I'm going to get the ball.
Thank you.
So, James, how's it going.
Everything good in school?
Did they pick soccer MVP yet?
Not yet.
Well, it's either
you or Chris.
Either way, it's good
for you guys, right.
What happened to your lip.
Hit by softball.
Hey, James.
Hey, Tommy's here.
Dad, this is Tommy from school.
Nice to meet
you, Mr. Calloway.
Hey, dude, slap me five.
Too slow, take a blow.
All right, you guys,
go get some drinks.
I'll give you some money.
I need make a call to
the rental car company.
OK.
Your dad's pretty cool.
He's acting dweeby.
He and my mom got
into an argument.
It happens.
He's acting all hip
and young, like he's
in some Pepsi commercial.
TOMMY: It happens.
It's the dad version of stage 2.
Ta da.
My clubhouse.
Pretty nice, huh?
Thought you hated TV.
Yeah, but this
is like the movies.
You'll think the Terminator
is right in the room with you.
And check this out, ta da,
again, everything is exactly
the same at Dad's and Mom's.
You will feel at
home at either place.
Now it's exactly the same.
I don't see anything.
Where is she?
You have to wait.
Hey, look.
That's not fair.
I'm going.
Hey, champ.
You didn't seem to
have a very good time?
It's OK.
No, no, we're going
to do better next time.
And you'll get to
ride that Harley.
I promise.
OK.
OK?
Bye, Dad.
Bye, bye.
James, it's Chris
and those guys.
They got Ernie.
- Ah, come on.
Let's go.
Leave him alone.
What's you're problem, Chris?
You are.
You started this
in the schoolyard.
And now we're
going to finish it.
We're sick and
tired of you losers
getting away with
everything just
because your parents split up.
My parents even say
you're bad influences.
Yeah, your parents
say lot of things.
Some day they might
even be right.
From now on it's war.
Divorced dweebs stick
with their own kind.
And jerk weeds
stick with theirs.
Oh, look it's the
kid with 62 parents.
That's what you called
him, right James?
I'd rather have 62
parents than two jerky ones.
What do you know, midget?
You don't even have a dad.
You're a little bastard.
Let me go.
I know kung fu.
You want war?
You've got it.
And traitors get not mercy.
Get lost, butt brain.
What's a bastard?
It's like a spice.
Like mustard.
Why did he call me a spice.
This is totally weird.
I'm going to tell my parents.
Leave your
parents out of this.
That's right.
Parents are no use.
It's just about us.
TOMMY: This meeting
is now in session.
War, like it or not, we got it.
So what do we do?
Roll over and take it just
because we're divorced kids?
No.
You guys know
what divorced means?
It means we've got to
stand up for ourselves.
Yeah.
OK, then, we hereby form
the Loyal Order of Divorce.
First order of
business, a war chess.
Man, I didn't know
there were so many of us.
Wait a minute.
Karen isn't a divorced kid.
Her folks are married.
Who cares, Louise?
And what about
Ernie and Billy?
You guys just have a mom.
That's not the same.
But that's not fair.
We can't be with the
married kids either.
So?
That doesn't matter.
This has to be just
for divorced kids.
Otherwise what's the point?
She's right.
It's got to be just us.
[music playing]
You turkeys, our mom has more
boyfriends than any of yours.
Sorry, James, war is hell.
OK, let me get
this on you here.
There we go.
My God, Billy, you're
getting a little pot on you.
What have you been eating?
Nothing.
Nothing my eye.
OK, from now on, you have
got to cut out sweets.
No more chocolate or donuts, OK?
No.
My mom says I'm
getting chubby.
Well, you are kind of.
It's not my fault.
It's all the sex.
It makes you fat.
Well, my uncle must
have sex all the time.
That's why women get fat
before they have babies.
Babies?
What does that have
to do with sex.
That's what sex is
for, to have babies.
I don't want to have a baby,
He'll to take all my toys.
[music playing]
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Babysitting, sorry.
Just go stay where
I can see you.
Sorry about the club.
It's stupid.
Being divorced doesn't
make me so different.
Well, no, but it makes
you feel different.
You know, kind of left out.
I mean, now we have
something to belong to.
And I'm left out.
Sorry.
Here.
That's not a real diamond.
Jessica, go.
It's beautiful.
It's just like Romeo and
Juliet, on opposite sides.
You can't tell your side
you're in love with me.
Are you in love with me?
Sure, of course.
[music playing]
Ernie, why are
you sitting there?
To-- uh-- see better.
Why is everyone moved around?
OK, that's it.
No more moving seats.
Now, Louise, please come up here
and complete these problems.
[cheers] Quiet.
What is that for?
This is not a spectator sport.
Think this is humorous, Walter?
Why don't you come up here
and complete these problems?
[cheering] What is that?
What is going on?
Well, this is it.
Last practice before I
name most valuable player.
Come on.
Let's go.
Come on.
Come on, guys.
Energy, energy.
[music playing]
[whistle blows]
What are you doing?
Guys?
What is this?
Soccer or mud wrestling?
Soccer.
It doesn't look like it.
OK, that's it.
Practice is over.
James, Chris, over here.
Good work, Ernie.
Can't believe it.
What's going on, guys?
You are the key
players on the team.
The others look up to you.
And now you won't even
pass to each other.
What is this all about?
You two fighting?
Huh?
Team means we stick up for
each other no matter what.
I want both of you
to think about that.
And while you think about
it, give me 10 laps.
Come on.
Come on.
Excuse me, coach.
I guess my mind isn't
really on the game
because my parents
are getting divorced.
I'm sorry about that James.
I know that must be hard.
But do you think that
that's a good reason for you
to let your teammates down?
To let yourself down?
No, not really.
Then go out there and give me
those laps with your teammate.
You're hooked up with Karen.
None of your beeswax.
Love her forever?
Going to get married?
So what if we do.
Here's what.
You're going to mess her up.
Shut up.
It's true.
Kids whose parents get divorced
always get divorced themselves.
That's baloney.
It's a fact.
You're going to make
Karen feel just how
your dad made your mom feel.
I am not.
Sorry, it's statistical.
CHRIS: Look, I have no
other friends a lot.
And, well, I don't want anyone
to get hurt, including you,
So I think that we
should break up.
But why?
We're fine.
I mean--
[music playing]
Is it true?
Kids whose parents
get divorced wind
up getting divorced themselves?
Well, yeah, that's
what the statistics say.
Man
You can't let it bother you.
[music playing]
It's a mess.
Oh, man.
Those creeps.
Look what they did.
It's not fair.
There's just too many of them.
We didn't do it.
Who's there?
Come out.
It's just us.
What do you want?
We want to join you guys.
We have more fun with
you all than Chris
and wait-for-me Walter.
But your folks
aren't divorced?
Who cares?
We're getting our
butt kicked here.
We could use the help.
No way.
This is our club.
Louise is right.
We win or lose this ourselves.
No one else.
But we want in.
Whatever we have to do
to join we'll do it.
What?
You'll get your
parents divorced?
Sure.
I was just kidding.
No.
Wait.
If that's what they want, maybe
it's better for some of them.
Wait a minute.
That's really mean.
It doesn't have to be.
Like Sam, his folks
are always fighting.
He hates it.
Maybe they'd be
happier divorced.
[ahem] Oh, sorry Sam.
No, it's true.
Well, if it were better.
And he's not the only one.
There's lots of people who
would be better off split up.
Let's do it.
Prepare to launch
Operation Splitsville.
[cheers]
One, two, three, Splitsville.
Is that him?
Yeah, that's Sam's dad.
Sam says he comes
here every two weeks.
OK, do you know your line?
OK, how do you know that?
How do you know that?
No, no, how do you know that?
OK, OK, it's not the
Gettysburg Address.
Come on.
So anyway, they say his
dad spends all his time
buying new clothes
and getting haircuts
instead of looking for work.
How do you know that?
Sam's mom told everyone
at the beauty salon.
My mom was there.
Hey, we're not done.
I've got to talk to my wife.
Is that Leo's dad?
Yeah, here he comes.
We're meeting the
Peterson's at 6:00.
Oh, sorry.
Excuse me, ma'am.
Your husband missed this one.
Thank you.
I'll make sure he gets
it when he gets home.
All right, family,
start up your taste buds.
Dad's super shishkebabs
are on the way.
Well, it better
not be too spicy.
You know my stomach.
Yes, I do, Marlene.
You tell me that all the time.
Well, I mean it all the time.
Um-- uh-- Dad?
Yeah, what is it, honey?
Um-- I-- you know--
I-- uh-- I Forget
You forget?
What did you forget?
What was it, sweetheart?
- Nothing.
- Did you see something?
- No.
Oh, honey, you still
got something wait.
He's forgetting a lot.
I know, Alzheimer's.
[choking]
Water!
All right, all right.
What's the matter
with you, moron.
[beep]
WOMAN [ON VOICEMAIL]:
Hey, sweet cakes,
had a fun time the other night?
Looking forward to seeing You
Kissy, kissy, see you soon.
[laughing]
Here you.
Thank you, very much, sir.
Here's yours.
[music playing]
Who was that?
You're sister is cute.
Half-sister. and all business.
Come on, get out.
How could you
go kissing someone
in the middle of the afternoon?
I told you I didn't
know who she was.
Of course you
know who she was.
She came out of nowhere.
I'm supposed to believe that?
I don't believe
that for a minute.
Suckers, we got them good.
OK, status report on
Operation Splitsville.
Sam says his folks
aren't speaking.
[cheers] And Leo's mom made
his dad sleep on the couch.
All right.
Arthur says his mom and dad
won't eat each other's cooking.
They bought a pizza
five times this week.
Three new members on the way.
Operation Splitsville.
MR ROBERTS: What's
going on here?
Your my inside woman.
I need some inside information.
I may be a teacher, but
I'm not entirely clueless.
Half the fifth grade won't
talk to the other half.
And none of them
will talk to me.
What's going on out there?
I don't know.
I'm in fourth grade.
MRS ROBERTS: Kenneth,
just leave her alone.
It's OK for you, you
don't have the Cold
War raging in your classroom.
Well, Karen can't help you.
You're just going to have to
take care of your own class.
What does that mean?
What are you trying to say?
Oh, honestly.
You never cease to amaze me.
Mom?
What does smug mean?
Smug, um-- self-satisfied,
thinking that you're better
than everyone else.
Kind of like gloating.
Why?
Oh, nothing, just
something I heard Dad say.
Really.
Mm, hm.
MRS ROBERTS: I'm smug am I?
MR ROBERTS: What?
[music playing]
Hi.
Hi.
I have a nice time,
but I'm getting fat
and I don't want a baby.
I'm sorry, a baby?
I'm too young.
So this is-- goodbye.
I'll never forget you
even when I'm eight.
[school bell rings]
James you've always
been an excellent student.
But this year your grades
have slipped badly.
Well, Mr. Roberts, there's
been a lot of trouble at home,
divorcing.
Yeah, I understand, but
your grades are your grades.
And you are in real danger
of not passing this year.
Kenneth, I'm ready to
go home whenever you are.
Fine.
Just a sec.
Bottom line, everything I
said about that test next week
goes double for you.
OK?
OK.
I'm just saying I'm ready.
I don't want to sound smug.
Not that again with the smug.
I still don't know what
you're talking about.
Really?
You don't?
No, tell me.
What are you talking about?
Nothing, forget it.
Hi.
Hi.
What's up with your parents?
Are they arguing?
Yeah, a lot.
Bye, James, excuse me.
I'll be in the club soon, you
know, Operations Splitsville.
MRS ROBERTS: Look
where you're parked.
MR ROBERTS: I didn't realize.
And we can get back together.
What is she doing.
MR ROBERTS: Do you have to have
everything in the front seat?
MRS ROBERTS: Oh,
give me a break.
[whistle blows]
Give me your glasses.
Here it is, the day you've
all been waiting for,
the big announcement,
the final verdict.
I've been watching you
all very carefully.
And I've made my decision.
This year's most
valuable player is--
It will be Chris.
No, no, it'll James.
Ernie.
What?
He sucks.
But he's the worst
player on the team.
Wrong.
He's the only
player on the team.
I don't know what
the rest of you
are doing, not passing,
tripping, fighting.
But Ernie is the only one
among you still playing soccer.
And that makes him the MVP.
Yeah.
Yeah.
All right.
Coach, can I talk to you.
It's no use pleading, James.
I made my choice.
I know.
I have another question.
OK, shoot.
There's a lot of
statistics in sports, huh?
You mean like
kicking distances,
RBI, stuff like that?
Yeah, all that stuff.
It must work, right?
I mean, otherwise who would
bother figure them out.
You're losing me, James.
What are you asking?
Just that if
statistics say something,
you should believe it, right?
No.
No?
No.
Statistically you
should be Chinese.
Huh?
Look, over 60% of the
people in the world are Asian.
Therefore, statistically
most people are Asian.
You are a person, so--
they're just numbers, James.
When you get ready
to take a penalty,
no number tells what you
are thinking or feeling.
Statistics only know
what happened last time.
This time, that's up to you.
Thanks, coach.
Don't thank me.
Start playing with
your team again.
TOMMY: We are here to mark
this momentous occasion.
Samuel Banks, do you wish to
join in this noble assembly?
Uh, huh.
I mean, yes.
And are you qualified
to serve in our ranks?
Yes my dad moved
out last night.
Then I dub thee a fully
qualified member of the Loyal
Order of Divorce, ready
to join us in our fight
against the non-divorced.
[music playing]
[water bubbling]
Owe.
Sorry.
Why didn't you just
ring the doorbell?
Uh-- I don't know.
Look I'm sorry.
I didn't really
mean to break up.
Then how come you did?
Well, I guess because I
listened to something really
dumb someone told me.
This whole war thing is dumb.
Well, I liked the
club when it was
just us talking about stuff.
I mean, now it's kind of weird.
So you don't mean to join?
I don't want you to
make your parents breakup.
It's not fun.
I know.
[sneezing]
Oh, no.
Hey, are we having
a meeting tonight?
No, everyone is getting
ready for the test.
Tommy says we should
put the war on hold
till after the test.
Then we'll knock them out.
Hey, Sam.
We'll have a meeting
next week or something.
It's OK.
I don't care about
that war stuff so much.
I just wanted to hang
out or something.
You OK.
Yeah, just--
What?
Like Sunday, the car
races were on, Formula One.
Yeah.
And me and my dad used
to watch them all the time.
He let me used to
watch to time the laps.
But didn't your dad
always argue with your mom
all that time?
Yes, now she fights
with us instead.
I kind of miss him.
I got to go.
Excuse me.
Karen, listen, you can't
let your parents split up.
We got to do something.
Well, what are we going to do?
I'll think of something.
KAREN: No, you goof, my mom
wouldn't call him Mr. Roberts.
JAMES: Oh, yeah, so what
do they call each other
when they're, you know, mushy?
I don't know, pookey.
Pookey, I don't want to fight.
Meet me at Case Luna at 6:00.
Oh, good.
I know Mrs. Roberts
is in the meeting,
but can I leave a
message from her husband?
Meet him at Case Luna at 6:00.
Thank you.
Oh, and don't worry about Karen.
She has a sitter.
Bye.
Thank you.
A sitter.
[music playing]
[singing in spanish]
Two, please.
MR ROBERTS: Hi, honey.
Hi.
Oh, they kissed.
Oh, romantic.
God, this place.
A lot of memories for us.
Oh, yeah, there are.
I'm just glad you came
to your senses, Estelle.
That's cute.
My senses.
Well, you invited me here.
And--
What are you talking about?
You sent me a little note.
What note?
Kenneth, if this is
some kind of joke,
I don't think it's very funny.
You called me Pookey.
Pookey.
Believe me, there's a lot of
things I'd like to call you.
And Pookey is not one of them.
Forget it, let's just go home.
Oh, mayday, mayday.
I didn't like
this place anyway.
Look, it's coach.
Hi, cousin.
What a coincidence.
Isn't this funny?
Yeah.
Would you like to join us?
No.
No.
We were just going.
We're absolutely stuffed.
Have you ordered yet?
See you later.
[school bell ringing]
This is it, test day.
Clear your desks.
Where's Sam?
Does anyone know?
Is he sick today?
[music playing]
Oh, little bird.
You folks leave you?
Well, you don't need them.
OK, begin.
[knocking] I'll be right back.
Mr. Roberts,
these are the Banks.
That's Sam's mom and dad.
You're right.
Let me ask the kids.
Just a minute.
All right, stop working.
This is very important.
Sam has not been
home since yesterday.
If any of you know where
he is you have to tell me.
I promise he won't be punished.
You understand this
is very serious.
We're all concerned
for Sam's safety.
This is our fault.
We got him into this
because of the stupid war.
Sam did what he
wanted to do, James.
We didn't do anything.
I knew something was
wrong with him yesterday.
I've got to find him.
What?
Are you crazy?
James, wait.
OK, everybody everything's OK.
Mr. Roberts, he's going
to help look for Sam.
And I'm going to help him by
watching you take your test.
So all eyes on your papers.
Let's go.
Do your best.
[music playing]
Look at the ball.
Anticipate my move.
Yes, very good.
There's a problem.
What now?
Sam Banks is missing.
OK, that's it.
Go on in.
- His folks say--
- Good work.
He didn't come
home last night.
Did they call police?
Oh, yeah they've
been out all morning.
I should've known
there was a problem.
You would have.
You give me too much credit.
I'm a soccer coach.
I can't read their minds.
Help me out here.
Sam's parents just split up.
I think he took it pretty hard.
Now, you're a kid, you're
angry at the world.
What would you do?
What about that clubhouse?
Huh?
They didn't check
the clubhouse?
What clubhouse?
Let's go.
[music playing]
JAMES: Sam?
Sam, are you here?
Where'd you go?
[music playing]
Please hurry.
What if he's hurt?
Don't worry.
Sam's a good kid.
He won't do anything stupid.
[music playing]
Sam.
Sam.
Where's the famous clubhouse?
It's got to be
around here somewhere.
Sam.
Sam.
Sam.
[music playing]
Hey, how did you get up here?
Hi, James.
Wouldn't it be
cool to fly, James?
I dreamt about it.
My mom and dad were down
there yelling at me.
And then they got smaller
and smaller till they
weren't there any more.
Yeah, that's cool all right.
But that's just in dreams.
I know.
You see that?
Yeah.
Come on.
[music playing]
I left my jacket
in the clubhouse.
Let's go get it.
Over here.
MR ROBERTS: I got him.
Sam, oh, Sam, oh, baby.
Sam.
I'm glad you're back.
I don't want to let you go.
[knocking]
[splashing]
The fish!
The fish!
[yelling]
I got him.
I got him.
Give him a pencil.
Get him a test.
All right, everybody,
emergency is over.
The fish is fine.
See.
Get back to work.
Did somebody move?
No, ma'am.
OK.
Kids, you'll be happy to
know that Sam has been found.
And he's back with
his mom and dad.
He's fine.
Don't be so modest, Ken.
Your class should know.
Mr. Roberts is the
one who found Sam.
All right, now let's
get back to work.
OK, time's up.
Pass your tests forward.
I'm dead.
You didn't get
to do any of it?
I didn't even hand it in.
I don't think he'll
give us points
for writing out name on it.
That that's.
Well, maybe not.
I'll see later.
Hi, there.
Hi.
Tony, here he comes.
Throw it.
Oop, almost.
Hey, Mr. Roberts, go long.
[music playing]
Got it.
You OK, Mr. Roberts?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
We got all the test for you.
Thank you.
All right, let's try that again.
Here's your pen.
See you tomorrow.
Yes.
[knocking]
Hi.
Hi.
Well, I have
something to tell you.
I'm going to have to go
away for a little while.
I know.
You do.
I saw you get your showcase.
Yeah, well, I
have to go to Denver
for this teaching
conference, and I think
I'm going to be gone from--
- What?
Thursday to--
But I thought you were--
What?
I thought you were
getting divorced.
Divorced?
Well, you and dad
were arguing so much.
Oh, honey, well,
sure we argue.
I mean people do sometimes.
But your dad and I love
each other an awful lot.
I'm sorry you thought that.
KAREN: Guess what?
My parents aren't
getting divorced.
My mom just had a
conference in Denver.
They're not?
No, so they were just arguing.
So we were totally clueless.
That's great.
What's great?
Karen's aren't
getting a divorce.
That's their choice.
And that's not all.
You know that test?
I got one from my dad
and I filled it all out
and put it in the file for you.
You what?
Oh, no.
What?
I did the same thing.
Now there are two test
with your name on it.
Great.
So now just not only flunk,
I get busted for cheating.
OK, let's not panic here.
All we have to do is--
uh-- sneak into the classroom
and take away the extra tests.
Yeah, right.
Yeah, my dad's not
finished grading them yet.
OK, we've only got
a couple of minutes.
So let's--
No, no.
Don't help me any more.
Thank you very much.
I'll do this one myself.
[music playing]
James, can I help
you find something?
James, Mr. Roberts would
like to speak with you.
Come on in, James.
You know our attitude
towards cheating.
It cuts against everything
we try to do here.
It's one of the most serious
offenses a student can commit.
Now this is what's
going to happen.
The two false tests
will be thrown out.
And I'll be having a little
talk with Tommy and my daughter.
See teachers, even
the slower ones,
get to recognize their
students handwriting.
It wasn't really their fault.
And now to you.
You will stay after school
today and take a makeup test.
And you can count on the
questions being different.
That's-- that's all?
Would you prefer
electrocution?
Well, no, sir.
But why?
Well, because one
of your classmates
broke the sacred
kid vow of silence
and told me what happened
on the day of the test
and what you did for Sam.
Oh.
OK.
That's it.
Just be ready for that
test at the end of the day.
Thank you, Mr. Roberts.
Who told you?
Sorry, there's a teacher
vow of silence too.
[music playing]
Hey, wake up, sleepy head.
Come on, you don't want to
be late for your first day
at the big school.
No way.
Come on.
Getting big.
[music playing]
Yes I understand that.
But I have a schedule too.
Look, let's just talk
about it later, OK?
Your father is driving me crazy.
He's got a meeting
on Friday and he
can't pick you up until 6:00.
But he knows very well that
I have a class that night.
Ah, well, I got an idea.
I could go to school with you,
hang out at the snack bar,
and he could pick me up there.
That would work.
That would work.
That's great.
Thank you.
Oh, you are so my son right now.
I'm telling you, divorce
can be the greatest thing
that ever happened to you.
Hey, Tommy.
Oh, hey, James.
It's all here in my newsletter.
Guys ready for the big time?
Yeah.
No more baby school.
Whoops, sorry, Karen.
It's OK, Ernie.
I'll see you guys next year.
And I'll see you after school.
Sure.
Kind of neat to be
taking a bus, huh?
Nah, I kind of
miss the old bridge.
Me too.
Billy, I saved
you a jelly donut.
No way.
I'm sick of sex.
[music playing]
[bubbling sound]
[train whistle]
[alarm bell]
James, are you up?
I'm up.
[music playing]
Chris, up and at 'em, tiger.
First day of school.
[sniffs]
Oh.
[laughs]
James, what are
you doing in there?
Nothing, mom.
Let's get going.
James, slow down.
Here, at least wait until I
study the Heimlich maneuver.
Well, Chris is waiting.
Oh, that's right.
Let's see, what has it been?
Two Whole weeks.
Chris, honey, slow down.
So Ray at the
market said, I don't
know how they can afford a
new Lexus when they can't
even settle their grocery bill.
People will not
take responsible.
Careful, little
pictures, big ears.
Dude.
Dude.
How was Vegas?
Have I got
something to tell you.
I saw on TV that they
have this giant tower--
Hey, guys.
And a roller coaster
that goes around the top
like 3,000 feet up
and they strap you in.
Hey you dweeb who was there?
You or me?
Oh, yeah.
Tell me what?
That wasn't even
the coolest thing.
Hey, Chris.
The coolest thing was--
Hey, Chris, back from Vegas?
No, I'm still
there, duh, Ernie.
It's cool, huh?
When we went there was
this roller coaster--
Would you guys shut up about
the stupid roller coaster--
- Hey, Chris--
- I did something much cooler.
Hey, guys, wait up.
Great, wait for Walter.
Ah, he's OK.
Anyways, you'll freak.
The coolest thing was--
Hey, Chris, were
you on vacation?
[groans]
Toll bridge, pay a
quarter or go the long way.
I half a candy bar.
Go inside, small fry.
Mom, said you got
stop calling me that.
OK, medium fry.
First one over
the bridge wins.
Watch out, man.
I'm right behind you.
Go inside, small fries.
Tell us more.
Details.
Wait till we
get everybody, OK.
We need to know.
What's up?
In Vegas, I did it.
Oh.
What?
What did you do?
With the girl?
No, Ernie, what do you think?
OK, sorry.
Go on, go on.
So one night I snuck
down to the Strip.
The Strip.
Wow.
A strip club, like
with naked girls.
So I turned around,
and I see her.
And?
[school bell rings]
Ah, man.
[music playing]
[whistling]
You look hot, Elise.
But didn't your parents freak.
My dad's even the mayor.
And he's pretty much clueless.
I could have walked
out in my PJs.
Her parents split
up over the summer.
How do you know?
My mom heard it from the
guy at the farmer's market.
He said her mom ran off
with a golf teacher.
Poor Elise.
Mom and Dad would never do that.
My dad said only
lamers get divorced.
Your dad said lamers?
He said people should
stay together for life.
Like wolves and pigeons.
And goldfish.
Good morning, grade five.
My name is Mr. Roberts.
But you can call me Kenneth.
You know why?
Because that's my name.
Here's a lamer.
You may not know this,
but your teacher last year,
Mrs. Roberts, is my wife.
So I know all about you.
So what's your name?
Me, Arthur.
Ah, so you're Arthur.
[knocking] Excuse me.
This is Tommy Davis.
Hi.
See that he knows.
Knows what?
About me and Mrs.
Roberts last year.
What about you
and Mrs. Roberts.
[sighs]
No way.
Yes way.
Total love.
You never saw the way she
looked at me at recess?
And how she always gave
me the good crayons?
I'm talking the big fat ones.
Yeah.
Wow.
And you and her--
I mean, the two of you--
No, we never got the chance.
It was summer vacation.
She must have told him about us.
Oh, man, you are so busted.
You'll be in the fifth
grade your whole life.
Well, welcome.
You ready to meet
your classmates?
- Sure.
- OK.
People, this is
your new classmate,
just moved here from
Chicago, Tommy Davis.
No, Maddox.
Davis is my stepmom's name.
Oh, your dad's name is Maddox.
No, that's my mom's name.
Oh.
My first dad's
name was McAlester.
But when they got divorced,
my mom took her old name back.
Oh, when she married Mr.
Davis, you kept the name.
So--
No, she married Mr. Stewart.
- Who married Mr. Davis?
- Nobody.
That's my stepmom's name before
she married my first dad.
My mom married Mr. Stewart.
But he lives in
Brainerd, Minnesota.
So I came over here to live with
my stepmom and my first dad.
Last the way we
became the Brady Bunch.
Quiet.
Quiet.
Thank you, Tommy.
Why don't you go find
you seat over there.
This seats taken.
OK.
It's the first day of school.
Let's ease into it by
taking out a piece of paper.
That kid's a operator.
And writing about what you
did over your summer vacation.
[groaning]
Come on, come on,
what did she look like?
How old was she?
Did she have big-- you know?
- Blonde, 16, really big.
- Whoa
What was her name?
Ingrid.
Then what?
Then we did it.
Did what?
Did what?
Come on, details.
Hey, you guys, what did he do?
Ernie, tell your
brother get lost.
That's not fair.
I want to hear.
Nobody ever tells me stuff.
He had sex.
Now get lost.
Come on, Billy.
You're too little.
You can't hear this.
I want to know about sex.
I'm telling mom.
- Wait.
OK.
OK.
Sex is--
- Yeah.
- It's--
It's a guy and a girl when
they do something together.
Do something like what?
They share something
beautiful and sweet together.
- Like cake?
- Like cake.
Like a jelly doughnut.
OK, we told you.
So go.
Dopey kid.
Cakes.
It's some sort of seed, right?
And it comes out.
Out of your nuts.
How does it get
out of your nut?
They kind you just crack open.
Yuck.
Oh, my gosh, I feel
like I got to puke.
Because that's my name.
You see, that's just
what they did too.
How do you do it?
I mean, they talk
to you, really talk.
They look at me like my
spaceship just landed.
You're standing in
front of a blackboard.
I'm out running around
the soccer field,
getting sweaty and
dirty, just like them.
There's a bit of a difference.
You think that's it?
Soccer.
I have never gotten that game.
I mean, no offense, I know
they love it in Europe.
That's not--
By the way, my wife wants
me to ask you something.
She's got this cousin, Debbie.
And she's single.
No way.
No way.
No, no, no, no, this one, I
think you'd really like her.
She's a very interesting woman.
She has a collection of snow
globes from all over the world.
I think someone
wants to talk to you.
You want to talk to
Mr. Roberts, right?
I'd better excuse myself.
See you later, Ken.
You think about it.
Yeah, right.
Arthur.
I think we need to talk
Mr. Roberts, man to man.
OK.
I just want you to
know, nothing happened
between me and your wife.
- Oh, good.
- There wasn't time.
Oh, really?
No.
And I didn't want
anybody to get hurt.
You know?
That's very nice of you.
No problem.
Well, thank you
for telling me.
You're OK with this?
Yeah.
Are you?
Yeah.
[music playing]
There's the newbie
with a lot of names.
And 62 parents.
Louise the squeeze
missed the bus.
Go tell her Madonna called
and she wants her boots back.
No, you.
I dare you.
OK, I double dare you.
OK.
James wants to
tell you something.
Go on, James.
What's the matter.
You wuss.
Hey, what's going on?
What did you do.
Nothing.
That's just the effect
he has one women.
Give her some breathing room.
What's the matter, Louise.
Some weeks I go to my
dad's house, and some
weeks I go to my mom's.
Oh that's got to be hard.
But when school started, they
were switching, because my mom
gets home earlier.
But my dad didn't
want to do that.
And I forgot where I
was supposed to go.
Divorced junk.
Typical.
Look, you stay right here.
And I'll give your folks a call.
James, you're in charge.
Hey, Louise, is that
a tamaugachi you have?
What's his name?
- Hi, honey.
- Hi.
- You ready to go?
- Just a sec.
I have something to sort out.
These parents, poor kids
don't know which way is up.
Daddy.
Hi.
Here's my girl.
Have your bag?
Yeah.
Sweetie would you
Daddy a forever?
Sure.
Hey, Louise, you
know how to remember
which parent to go with?
What's your dad's name?
Raymond.
OK, great.
On the days you're going
to your dad's house,
wear your tamaugachi on your
right hand, R, Raymond, right,
see?
Then you remember all day.
Thanks.
What's your name again?
Tommy.
Oh, what a hottie.
Wow.
Here, it's energy.
It has the most caffeine.
You can't be sad and hyper.
Um-- hi.
Hi.
James, let's go.
How clumsy are?
You going to hang out
with the girls all day?
Get your thumb out of your butt.
Language, Christopher.
Hi, Mrs. Roberts.
All straightened out.
No problem.
You're going to your dad's.
And we'll give you a ride.
OK?
All right, thanks.
Let's go.
Come on, honey.
Come on, James.
Oh, man, I never
should have let her go.
[music playing]
Hi.
What's your name?
Can I help you?
Hi, Mrs. Clark.
Hi, James.
Come on in.
I'm sure James is
up in his room.
Oh, man.
What?
The moon is out.
No.
Let me see.
Oh, wow.
I'm in love.
Come on, man.
Give it back.
Wait, wait, a minute.
What's that?
What?
What do you see?
I don't know.
I think that's Ernie.
What?
Gimme.
That's Ernie's house.
What's he looking at?
[humming]
Mom?
Mom, close the window.
Turn of the light.
Put something on.
My God, Chris,
what's the matter.
Just-- just--
just-- just-- put something on.
Chris, I can't wear
clothes in the shower.
It doesn't work like that.
Whoa.
Come on.
OK, be careful.
You've got him?
I think so.
- OK, no, right there.
- OK,
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Got him.
That's fine.
He's going to
miss his parents.
Yeah but if he stayed
in there, they'd eat him.
That's terrible.
That's nature.
CHRIS: Come on, James.
Come on over.
Hi, Chris.
Come on.
Hold on, I'll be right there.
MOM: Dinner's in 15.
He's too old
enough to understand.
OK, you know what?
This is so unfair.
Let's not do this to him.
- This is crazy.
- Shh
All right, vanilla
pudding, my favorite.
James, your mother and I need
to talk to you about something.
Am I in trouble?
No, no, no, sweetie, we just--
we just want to talk to you.
We didn't want to
mess up your vacation.
But your mother and I've been
discussing a lot of things.
And we've decided to
live apart for a while.
Yeah.
Now this doesn't change our
relationship with you, James.
We still love you,
very, very much.
It's important to know that.
Mom is still mom.
Dad is still dad.
We'll just have our own places.
You can come visit
me whenever you want.
Hey, you know, it's
was kind of like TV.
Families don't always get along.
Yeah.
They always get back
together at the end.
[music playing]
MOM: If I'm not
here for any reason,
leave the keys in the car.
DAD: Tell James I'll call him.
[music playing]
[engine starts]
[music playing]
[sobbing]
[birds chirping]
Hey, James.
What was up with
your dad last night?
Huh?
I saw him packing the car.
Is he going somewhere?
Yeah.
Antarctica.
What?
You know that
ozone hole they have?
Well, NASA's been
trying to fix that.
And they need an
engineer to go up
in a special plane and stuff.
Get out of town.
Your dad, wow.
Hey, there's Ernie.
Huh?
Weren't you going to bust
him up for, you know, your mom,
knockers.
Hey, Ernie.
I told you I
didn't see your mom.
Yeah, well I saw you.
You think a stupid cap
hid your stupid face?
[school bell rings]
I wasn't looking at your mom.
I bet your dad
will be on news, huh?
I don't think so.
It's kind of a secret.
And you told me?
Thanks, man.
Anyone have the
math assignment.
I fall asleep watching MTV.
And I totally blew it off.
OK, everybody, let's hand
in the math assignment.
Anyone have the
math assignment.
Sam, would you collect them?
Sure.
Relax.
Just watch.
Mr. Roberts, sorry, it's
none of my business,
but you know Louise's
folks split up.
I think she had a
tough time at home.
And she's worried because
she didn't get her math done.
All right, Tommy, thank you.
OK, Thank you.
Louise, you can turn in
the assignment tomorrow, OK?
Oh, man.
What a scam.
Just cause her parents blew
it, she gets special treatment.
Give me a break.
There you go.
Thank you.
Uh, oh, you're back.
OK, little guy,
what's your pleasure?
What would you like?
I have donuts, cheesecake,
candy, chewing gun,
chocolate chip cookies.
No.
What's the matter?
Can't make up your mind?
Would you like me
to do it for you?
They call it the government.
All they do is give
people money who
don't deserve it and
stick their noses
into people's private affairs.
[car door shuts]
Looks like someone didn't
quite make it to the Antarctic.
And she's no Eskimo.
No Eskimos in the Arctic.
Let me get the camera.
Well, she doesn't kiss
like an Eskimo either.
Honey.
Well, just in case
the divorce gets ugly.
Marian, Stay out of this.
She's just as bad as he is.
I knew something was
going on over there.
Chris, James didn't say
a word about this to you?
No.
Well if you can't
tell your best friend,
what kind of friend is he?
Morning, guys.
Morning, coach.
All right, which one
of you is going to be
most valuable player this year?
Right here.
Last year it was James.
The year before Chris.
But you all have
the same chance.
Just do your best this year.
Yeah.
What?
Yes, coach.
All right, warm up.
Individual drills.
Let's go.
James, come on.
Don't let it go out.
Come on, keep it alive.
Liar.
Huh?
Hey, what happened?
Try to get up.
You OK?
Oh, it's a charlie
horse, James.
I know it hurts like a son
of a gun, but you'll be OK.
Just sit it out.
OK?
Yeah
Hey, guys.
Come on, play.
Good.
Good one.
I can help that.
Here, feel that?
Muscle relaxing?
Yeah.
Wow.
My second step dad
was a hockey player.
He showed me how to do this.
He was always
racking himself up.
How many stepparents
do you have?
Hm, well, let me
put it this way,
we could have a basketball team.
When you parents separate,
does it get to you?
Sure.
But it's like everything else.
You get used to it.
Last time I was the one
that suggested it to my mom.
Really?
The guy was a shrink.
You know what they say
about shrinks, right?
Nice guy, but totally bananas.
We were all better off.
So what about you?
Who left, your mom or your dad?
Who told you?
Did Chris say something?
Yeah, like he would
tell me anything.
No, I just noticed.
I mean, you're Chris's big body.
Now you're not.
You're like zombie man in class.
And you're asking
me about this stuff.
Think anybody else knows?
Nah, only a pro
notices this stuff.
[music playing]
Hey, James.
How's your leg?
It's getting better.
Do you know why your folks
divorced the first time?
At first, I thought
it was because of me.
Really?
You did?
It's called a guilt complex.
70% of kids get it after
their folks split up.
Wow.
After a while, I realized
my mom like blue eyes.
My dad had brown eyes.
Sometimes it's as
stupid as that.
My dad's the one
who walked out.
And my mom's bummed all time.
He's such a jerk.
How old is he?
39.
Ah coming up on the big 4-0.
Midlife crisis.
68% of men freak out
when they hit that age.
I care.
He's still a jerk.
Mom cries at night.
Yeah, that's normal.
She's still in stage
1, abandonment.
You mean, there's more?
It's OK.
It gets better.
See, right now her
self-esteem is history.
Her whole world is gone.
Except for you.
So what do I do?
Self-esteem stuff.
Tell her she looks
nice all the time.
Bring your breakfast in bed.
Breakfast in bed
is going to fix this?
Any time now she'll
hit stage 2, freedom.
She'll hook up with old
friends, get a new job,
or take classes and stuff.
71% of women do.
You really think so.
Just wait and see.
It's statistically.
[rock music in distance]
Yeah, I remember.
No, you wouldn't believe it.
He is ten.
I know, scary.
I don't know how my son
keeps getting older,
and I still say the same.
Uh, huh, yeah here he is.
Hello, Marcia.
Hello.
Yeah.
He's great.
OK, I'll speak to you soon.
Take care.
That was my girlfriend
from College.
I think I'm going to take
an art class with her.
Oh, I haven't done
this i so long.
I miss it.
I miss it.
It looks really pretty.
Thanks.
You think so?
You look nice today, Mom.
James, thank you, sweetie.
Come here.
That was sweet.
Come on.
[music playing]
Happy Valentine's Day, Mom.
Oh, honey, thank you.
Oh, that is so sweet.
Guess what?
Stage 2.
All right.
Listen, stage 2 doesn't
last forever either.
You're in for some
ups and downs.
Really?
Oh, yeah, it's
a roller coaster.
I mean, there'll be a
lot of ups and downs.
Hey, Tommy, I told Joey
what you said about birthdays.
His first one's coming
since his folks split up.
What about birthdays?
Ah, man, the two
great divorce paydays,
birthdays and Christmas.
Come on, tell us.
- We did it.
- Did what?
Sex.
You know when you get
together with a woman--
Yeah, yeah.
And you have something sweet
together like donuts and cake.
Ooh, I like cake.
That's not sex.
- Yes, it is.
- Is not.
- Is to.
- Is not.
OK, what is then?
Like some kind of dance.
You don't know.
Well, neither do you.
Yes, I do.
I'll show you.
My parents acted like
such dorks after they split.
Well, my friends
act like dorks
and they're still together.
Way to go, James.
Hey, Karen you want
to sit over here?
Listen, guys, yeah, divorce
is a drag, but you can work it.
Want to know?
Yeah.
OK, the big G, guilt,
you might feel it,
but your parents
feel it big time.
Why is this important to know?
Because if you work
it right, it will lead
to the other big G-- gifts.
Isn't this cool?
Rad.
TOMMY [VOICEOVER]:
They'll spend big bucks
to make you feel better.
Especially, if they
can one up the other.
You know those little annoying
rules around the house,
like a bedtime?
If you play it
right, you can watch
a midnight movie every night.
I've had all these
problems at home.
It's OK.
TOMMY [VOICEOVER]:
A little sob story
about problems at
home can really
help you get ahead in the
lunchroom and in a classroom.
Bridge is closed.
Come on, Chris.
Quit messing around.
I've got to get home and
get my book report done.
What do you care?
You don't have to do anything.
Just tell the teacher
your folks broke up.
Why don't you shut up
Make me, you liar.
Ew, dog turds.
Ew, sick.
[laughing]
Got him good.
No, that's not true.
Dan, no, I would
love to see a movie.
Yes.
As long as there's no
aliens or car chases.
No, that leaves
plenty of options.
Yeah, and you can choose
the restaurant too.
Wait up you guys.
What's his problem?
He stole a bunch of my mom's
text books out of the house.
He's giving sex lessons.
Sign me up for sure.
You guys are so weird.
Is it the battery
or the electrical?
What's happening.
Can't get it to work.
My showtime is in two minutes.
Thanks, Max.
OK, quiet down, everybody.
Now it being Earth
Day today, we have
a special presentation on the
endangered Amazon rain forest.
Now, to make it a
little more real,
I've included some pictures I
shot myself on a trip to Peru,
oh, 100 years ago.
Lights, please.
Here I am in a
Aquitos, on the edge
of the mighty Amazon River.
Next picture.
OK, smart guy, show us.
After you pay a quarter each.
MR ROBERTS: A region
of great wonders, some
never seen by the eyes of man.
The woman.
MR ROBERTS: To quote space lore,
this is the final frontier.
Next picture, please.
Setting out up the Amazon.
Now I admit to being a bit
nervous at this moment.
Not too sure about what
I was going to encounter.
Oh, please, hold your
questions till after.
Next picture, please.
Now here's a
picture with appeal.
Thank you.
Next picture, please.
The fiercest creature on the
river, the deadly crocodile.
Actually, interestingly,
they are considered
edible by the natives.
Next picture, please.
KID: That's James's dad.
Who did this.
Lights.
[laughing]
What was that all about?
Nothing.
He's getting a hard
time because his folks
are splitting up.
Oh, I'm sorry, James.
It doesn't matter.
Why did you tell him?
Because you can't
keep being ashamed.
It's not your fault,
they broke up.
I told you there was
going to be ups and downs.
This won't be the last.
I'm just sick of it.
The first year is the worst.
It's statistical.
Your folks will pull
you back and forth.
You'll live here and there.
When the kids keep the house and
the parents have to come visit,
that will be a
great leap forward.
In the meantime, you
just have to hang on.
And don't blow off
people who want to help.
Yeah.
Your dad having
fun in the Antarctic?
Sure looks like.
Was that picture
from your house?
What if it was?
Hey, look everyone
there's a fight.
[music playing]
Come on, get up.
You broke my tooth.
Way to go.
One for us.
No way, you fought girls.
And we kicked your butt.
Just wait till recess.
Quiet, everyone.
He broke my tooth.
Serves you right.
Karen, would you
wait outside, please.
Let me take a look at it.
Don't touch it.
Your hands are dirty.
Can I use the
restroom, please.
Yeah, go ahead.
[music playing]
Were you following me?
No.
I mean, yes.
You were very brave out there.
Are you brave?
Yes.
Owe.
No, it's OK.
Good boy.
Yes, the dentist
will fix it up so
you'd never know what happened.
What is it?
Keep still.
It's all right.
Can I have the rest?
Mm.
Come here.
Holy moly.
Wow.
Billy rocks.
James, James, fighting?
Breaking Chris's tooth,
what were you thinking?
I didn't do it.
Oh, so that means that Chris's
parents and your teachers
were lying?
- Yeah, whatever.
- Whatever?
I hate it when you say whatever.
Come here.
Let me see your lip.
Oh, look at that.
What kind of a mother does
that make me look like?
And what's your
father going to think?
He picks you up for
your first weekend,
and it looks like you
got hit by a truck.
Why do you care
what he thinks?
It matters.
It matters.
Listen, James, I have to
be able to rely on you.
OK?
Hey, you're the man
of the house now.
Well, then who's Dan?
What?
Did you have nice time
at the movies with him?
He's just a
friend from school.
[horn honking] Oh,
there's your dad.
We'll talk about this later.
Not fair.
Not fair.
You're going to look good.
Oh, my God.
What do you think?
Something, huh?
Ready to ride, James?
- What?
Are you out of your
mind on this death trap?
Come on, Bernice.
it's perfectly safe.
Don't be such an old fudd.
Listen, if you want to
relive your adolescents,
do it by yourself.
My son is not getting
on this machine.
He's my son too.
Well, I would think you'd be
more concerned for his safety
then.
- I am.
That's why I got him my helmet
and he's going to ride with me.
This is ridiculous, walking
here with the $10,000 Harley
sitting in the driveway.
Still, it's pretty rad, huh?
Yeah.
Look, James, I
know it's kind of
impractical, but heck with it.
You only live once.
Size nine and--
Size five.
I'm going to get the ball.
Thank you.
So, James, how's it going.
Everything good in school?
Did they pick soccer MVP yet?
Not yet.
Well, it's either
you or Chris.
Either way, it's good
for you guys, right.
What happened to your lip.
Hit by softball.
Hey, James.
Hey, Tommy's here.
Dad, this is Tommy from school.
Nice to meet
you, Mr. Calloway.
Hey, dude, slap me five.
Too slow, take a blow.
All right, you guys,
go get some drinks.
I'll give you some money.
I need make a call to
the rental car company.
OK.
Your dad's pretty cool.
He's acting dweeby.
He and my mom got
into an argument.
It happens.
He's acting all hip
and young, like he's
in some Pepsi commercial.
TOMMY: It happens.
It's the dad version of stage 2.
Ta da.
My clubhouse.
Pretty nice, huh?
Thought you hated TV.
Yeah, but this
is like the movies.
You'll think the Terminator
is right in the room with you.
And check this out, ta da,
again, everything is exactly
the same at Dad's and Mom's.
You will feel at
home at either place.
Now it's exactly the same.
I don't see anything.
Where is she?
You have to wait.
Hey, look.
That's not fair.
I'm going.
Hey, champ.
You didn't seem to
have a very good time?
It's OK.
No, no, we're going
to do better next time.
And you'll get to
ride that Harley.
I promise.
OK.
OK?
Bye, Dad.
Bye, bye.
James, it's Chris
and those guys.
They got Ernie.
- Ah, come on.
Let's go.
Leave him alone.
What's you're problem, Chris?
You are.
You started this
in the schoolyard.
And now we're
going to finish it.
We're sick and
tired of you losers
getting away with
everything just
because your parents split up.
My parents even say
you're bad influences.
Yeah, your parents
say lot of things.
Some day they might
even be right.
From now on it's war.
Divorced dweebs stick
with their own kind.
And jerk weeds
stick with theirs.
Oh, look it's the
kid with 62 parents.
That's what you called
him, right James?
I'd rather have 62
parents than two jerky ones.
What do you know, midget?
You don't even have a dad.
You're a little bastard.
Let me go.
I know kung fu.
You want war?
You've got it.
And traitors get not mercy.
Get lost, butt brain.
What's a bastard?
It's like a spice.
Like mustard.
Why did he call me a spice.
This is totally weird.
I'm going to tell my parents.
Leave your
parents out of this.
That's right.
Parents are no use.
It's just about us.
TOMMY: This meeting
is now in session.
War, like it or not, we got it.
So what do we do?
Roll over and take it just
because we're divorced kids?
No.
You guys know
what divorced means?
It means we've got to
stand up for ourselves.
Yeah.
OK, then, we hereby form
the Loyal Order of Divorce.
First order of
business, a war chess.
Man, I didn't know
there were so many of us.
Wait a minute.
Karen isn't a divorced kid.
Her folks are married.
Who cares, Louise?
And what about
Ernie and Billy?
You guys just have a mom.
That's not the same.
But that's not fair.
We can't be with the
married kids either.
So?
That doesn't matter.
This has to be just
for divorced kids.
Otherwise what's the point?
She's right.
It's got to be just us.
[music playing]
You turkeys, our mom has more
boyfriends than any of yours.
Sorry, James, war is hell.
OK, let me get
this on you here.
There we go.
My God, Billy, you're
getting a little pot on you.
What have you been eating?
Nothing.
Nothing my eye.
OK, from now on, you have
got to cut out sweets.
No more chocolate or donuts, OK?
No.
My mom says I'm
getting chubby.
Well, you are kind of.
It's not my fault.
It's all the sex.
It makes you fat.
Well, my uncle must
have sex all the time.
That's why women get fat
before they have babies.
Babies?
What does that have
to do with sex.
That's what sex is
for, to have babies.
I don't want to have a baby,
He'll to take all my toys.
[music playing]
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Babysitting, sorry.
Just go stay where
I can see you.
Sorry about the club.
It's stupid.
Being divorced doesn't
make me so different.
Well, no, but it makes
you feel different.
You know, kind of left out.
I mean, now we have
something to belong to.
And I'm left out.
Sorry.
Here.
That's not a real diamond.
Jessica, go.
It's beautiful.
It's just like Romeo and
Juliet, on opposite sides.
You can't tell your side
you're in love with me.
Are you in love with me?
Sure, of course.
[music playing]
Ernie, why are
you sitting there?
To-- uh-- see better.
Why is everyone moved around?
OK, that's it.
No more moving seats.
Now, Louise, please come up here
and complete these problems.
[cheers] Quiet.
What is that for?
This is not a spectator sport.
Think this is humorous, Walter?
Why don't you come up here
and complete these problems?
[cheering] What is that?
What is going on?
Well, this is it.
Last practice before I
name most valuable player.
Come on.
Let's go.
Come on.
Come on, guys.
Energy, energy.
[music playing]
[whistle blows]
What are you doing?
Guys?
What is this?
Soccer or mud wrestling?
Soccer.
It doesn't look like it.
OK, that's it.
Practice is over.
James, Chris, over here.
Good work, Ernie.
Can't believe it.
What's going on, guys?
You are the key
players on the team.
The others look up to you.
And now you won't even
pass to each other.
What is this all about?
You two fighting?
Huh?
Team means we stick up for
each other no matter what.
I want both of you
to think about that.
And while you think about
it, give me 10 laps.
Come on.
Come on.
Excuse me, coach.
I guess my mind isn't
really on the game
because my parents
are getting divorced.
I'm sorry about that James.
I know that must be hard.
But do you think that
that's a good reason for you
to let your teammates down?
To let yourself down?
No, not really.
Then go out there and give me
those laps with your teammate.
You're hooked up with Karen.
None of your beeswax.
Love her forever?
Going to get married?
So what if we do.
Here's what.
You're going to mess her up.
Shut up.
It's true.
Kids whose parents get divorced
always get divorced themselves.
That's baloney.
It's a fact.
You're going to make
Karen feel just how
your dad made your mom feel.
I am not.
Sorry, it's statistical.
CHRIS: Look, I have no
other friends a lot.
And, well, I don't want anyone
to get hurt, including you,
So I think that we
should break up.
But why?
We're fine.
I mean--
[music playing]
Is it true?
Kids whose parents
get divorced wind
up getting divorced themselves?
Well, yeah, that's
what the statistics say.
Man
You can't let it bother you.
[music playing]
It's a mess.
Oh, man.
Those creeps.
Look what they did.
It's not fair.
There's just too many of them.
We didn't do it.
Who's there?
Come out.
It's just us.
What do you want?
We want to join you guys.
We have more fun with
you all than Chris
and wait-for-me Walter.
But your folks
aren't divorced?
Who cares?
We're getting our
butt kicked here.
We could use the help.
No way.
This is our club.
Louise is right.
We win or lose this ourselves.
No one else.
But we want in.
Whatever we have to do
to join we'll do it.
What?
You'll get your
parents divorced?
Sure.
I was just kidding.
No.
Wait.
If that's what they want, maybe
it's better for some of them.
Wait a minute.
That's really mean.
It doesn't have to be.
Like Sam, his folks
are always fighting.
He hates it.
Maybe they'd be
happier divorced.
[ahem] Oh, sorry Sam.
No, it's true.
Well, if it were better.
And he's not the only one.
There's lots of people who
would be better off split up.
Let's do it.
Prepare to launch
Operation Splitsville.
[cheers]
One, two, three, Splitsville.
Is that him?
Yeah, that's Sam's dad.
Sam says he comes
here every two weeks.
OK, do you know your line?
OK, how do you know that?
How do you know that?
No, no, how do you know that?
OK, OK, it's not the
Gettysburg Address.
Come on.
So anyway, they say his
dad spends all his time
buying new clothes
and getting haircuts
instead of looking for work.
How do you know that?
Sam's mom told everyone
at the beauty salon.
My mom was there.
Hey, we're not done.
I've got to talk to my wife.
Is that Leo's dad?
Yeah, here he comes.
We're meeting the
Peterson's at 6:00.
Oh, sorry.
Excuse me, ma'am.
Your husband missed this one.
Thank you.
I'll make sure he gets
it when he gets home.
All right, family,
start up your taste buds.
Dad's super shishkebabs
are on the way.
Well, it better
not be too spicy.
You know my stomach.
Yes, I do, Marlene.
You tell me that all the time.
Well, I mean it all the time.
Um-- uh-- Dad?
Yeah, what is it, honey?
Um-- I-- you know--
I-- uh-- I Forget
You forget?
What did you forget?
What was it, sweetheart?
- Nothing.
- Did you see something?
- No.
Oh, honey, you still
got something wait.
He's forgetting a lot.
I know, Alzheimer's.
[choking]
Water!
All right, all right.
What's the matter
with you, moron.
[beep]
WOMAN [ON VOICEMAIL]:
Hey, sweet cakes,
had a fun time the other night?
Looking forward to seeing You
Kissy, kissy, see you soon.
[laughing]
Here you.
Thank you, very much, sir.
Here's yours.
[music playing]
Who was that?
You're sister is cute.
Half-sister. and all business.
Come on, get out.
How could you
go kissing someone
in the middle of the afternoon?
I told you I didn't
know who she was.
Of course you
know who she was.
She came out of nowhere.
I'm supposed to believe that?
I don't believe
that for a minute.
Suckers, we got them good.
OK, status report on
Operation Splitsville.
Sam says his folks
aren't speaking.
[cheers] And Leo's mom made
his dad sleep on the couch.
All right.
Arthur says his mom and dad
won't eat each other's cooking.
They bought a pizza
five times this week.
Three new members on the way.
Operation Splitsville.
MR ROBERTS: What's
going on here?
Your my inside woman.
I need some inside information.
I may be a teacher, but
I'm not entirely clueless.
Half the fifth grade won't
talk to the other half.
And none of them
will talk to me.
What's going on out there?
I don't know.
I'm in fourth grade.
MRS ROBERTS: Kenneth,
just leave her alone.
It's OK for you, you
don't have the Cold
War raging in your classroom.
Well, Karen can't help you.
You're just going to have to
take care of your own class.
What does that mean?
What are you trying to say?
Oh, honestly.
You never cease to amaze me.
Mom?
What does smug mean?
Smug, um-- self-satisfied,
thinking that you're better
than everyone else.
Kind of like gloating.
Why?
Oh, nothing, just
something I heard Dad say.
Really.
Mm, hm.
MRS ROBERTS: I'm smug am I?
MR ROBERTS: What?
[music playing]
Hi.
Hi.
I have a nice time,
but I'm getting fat
and I don't want a baby.
I'm sorry, a baby?
I'm too young.
So this is-- goodbye.
I'll never forget you
even when I'm eight.
[school bell rings]
James you've always
been an excellent student.
But this year your grades
have slipped badly.
Well, Mr. Roberts, there's
been a lot of trouble at home,
divorcing.
Yeah, I understand, but
your grades are your grades.
And you are in real danger
of not passing this year.
Kenneth, I'm ready to
go home whenever you are.
Fine.
Just a sec.
Bottom line, everything I
said about that test next week
goes double for you.
OK?
OK.
I'm just saying I'm ready.
I don't want to sound smug.
Not that again with the smug.
I still don't know what
you're talking about.
Really?
You don't?
No, tell me.
What are you talking about?
Nothing, forget it.
Hi.
Hi.
What's up with your parents?
Are they arguing?
Yeah, a lot.
Bye, James, excuse me.
I'll be in the club soon, you
know, Operations Splitsville.
MRS ROBERTS: Look
where you're parked.
MR ROBERTS: I didn't realize.
And we can get back together.
What is she doing.
MR ROBERTS: Do you have to have
everything in the front seat?
MRS ROBERTS: Oh,
give me a break.
[whistle blows]
Give me your glasses.
Here it is, the day you've
all been waiting for,
the big announcement,
the final verdict.
I've been watching you
all very carefully.
And I've made my decision.
This year's most
valuable player is--
It will be Chris.
No, no, it'll James.
Ernie.
What?
He sucks.
But he's the worst
player on the team.
Wrong.
He's the only
player on the team.
I don't know what
the rest of you
are doing, not passing,
tripping, fighting.
But Ernie is the only one
among you still playing soccer.
And that makes him the MVP.
Yeah.
Yeah.
All right.
Coach, can I talk to you.
It's no use pleading, James.
I made my choice.
I know.
I have another question.
OK, shoot.
There's a lot of
statistics in sports, huh?
You mean like
kicking distances,
RBI, stuff like that?
Yeah, all that stuff.
It must work, right?
I mean, otherwise who would
bother figure them out.
You're losing me, James.
What are you asking?
Just that if
statistics say something,
you should believe it, right?
No.
No?
No.
Statistically you
should be Chinese.
Huh?
Look, over 60% of the
people in the world are Asian.
Therefore, statistically
most people are Asian.
You are a person, so--
they're just numbers, James.
When you get ready
to take a penalty,
no number tells what you
are thinking or feeling.
Statistics only know
what happened last time.
This time, that's up to you.
Thanks, coach.
Don't thank me.
Start playing with
your team again.
TOMMY: We are here to mark
this momentous occasion.
Samuel Banks, do you wish to
join in this noble assembly?
Uh, huh.
I mean, yes.
And are you qualified
to serve in our ranks?
Yes my dad moved
out last night.
Then I dub thee a fully
qualified member of the Loyal
Order of Divorce, ready
to join us in our fight
against the non-divorced.
[music playing]
[water bubbling]
Owe.
Sorry.
Why didn't you just
ring the doorbell?
Uh-- I don't know.
Look I'm sorry.
I didn't really
mean to break up.
Then how come you did?
Well, I guess because I
listened to something really
dumb someone told me.
This whole war thing is dumb.
Well, I liked the
club when it was
just us talking about stuff.
I mean, now it's kind of weird.
So you don't mean to join?
I don't want you to
make your parents breakup.
It's not fun.
I know.
[sneezing]
Oh, no.
Hey, are we having
a meeting tonight?
No, everyone is getting
ready for the test.
Tommy says we should
put the war on hold
till after the test.
Then we'll knock them out.
Hey, Sam.
We'll have a meeting
next week or something.
It's OK.
I don't care about
that war stuff so much.
I just wanted to hang
out or something.
You OK.
Yeah, just--
What?
Like Sunday, the car
races were on, Formula One.
Yeah.
And me and my dad used
to watch them all the time.
He let me used to
watch to time the laps.
But didn't your dad
always argue with your mom
all that time?
Yes, now she fights
with us instead.
I kind of miss him.
I got to go.
Excuse me.
Karen, listen, you can't
let your parents split up.
We got to do something.
Well, what are we going to do?
I'll think of something.
KAREN: No, you goof, my mom
wouldn't call him Mr. Roberts.
JAMES: Oh, yeah, so what
do they call each other
when they're, you know, mushy?
I don't know, pookey.
Pookey, I don't want to fight.
Meet me at Case Luna at 6:00.
Oh, good.
I know Mrs. Roberts
is in the meeting,
but can I leave a
message from her husband?
Meet him at Case Luna at 6:00.
Thank you.
Oh, and don't worry about Karen.
She has a sitter.
Bye.
Thank you.
A sitter.
[music playing]
[singing in spanish]
Two, please.
MR ROBERTS: Hi, honey.
Hi.
Oh, they kissed.
Oh, romantic.
God, this place.
A lot of memories for us.
Oh, yeah, there are.
I'm just glad you came
to your senses, Estelle.
That's cute.
My senses.
Well, you invited me here.
And--
What are you talking about?
You sent me a little note.
What note?
Kenneth, if this is
some kind of joke,
I don't think it's very funny.
You called me Pookey.
Pookey.
Believe me, there's a lot of
things I'd like to call you.
And Pookey is not one of them.
Forget it, let's just go home.
Oh, mayday, mayday.
I didn't like
this place anyway.
Look, it's coach.
Hi, cousin.
What a coincidence.
Isn't this funny?
Yeah.
Would you like to join us?
No.
No.
We were just going.
We're absolutely stuffed.
Have you ordered yet?
See you later.
[school bell ringing]
This is it, test day.
Clear your desks.
Where's Sam?
Does anyone know?
Is he sick today?
[music playing]
Oh, little bird.
You folks leave you?
Well, you don't need them.
OK, begin.
[knocking] I'll be right back.
Mr. Roberts,
these are the Banks.
That's Sam's mom and dad.
You're right.
Let me ask the kids.
Just a minute.
All right, stop working.
This is very important.
Sam has not been
home since yesterday.
If any of you know where
he is you have to tell me.
I promise he won't be punished.
You understand this
is very serious.
We're all concerned
for Sam's safety.
This is our fault.
We got him into this
because of the stupid war.
Sam did what he
wanted to do, James.
We didn't do anything.
I knew something was
wrong with him yesterday.
I've got to find him.
What?
Are you crazy?
James, wait.
OK, everybody everything's OK.
Mr. Roberts, he's going
to help look for Sam.
And I'm going to help him by
watching you take your test.
So all eyes on your papers.
Let's go.
Do your best.
[music playing]
Look at the ball.
Anticipate my move.
Yes, very good.
There's a problem.
What now?
Sam Banks is missing.
OK, that's it.
Go on in.
- His folks say--
- Good work.
He didn't come
home last night.
Did they call police?
Oh, yeah they've
been out all morning.
I should've known
there was a problem.
You would have.
You give me too much credit.
I'm a soccer coach.
I can't read their minds.
Help me out here.
Sam's parents just split up.
I think he took it pretty hard.
Now, you're a kid, you're
angry at the world.
What would you do?
What about that clubhouse?
Huh?
They didn't check
the clubhouse?
What clubhouse?
Let's go.
[music playing]
JAMES: Sam?
Sam, are you here?
Where'd you go?
[music playing]
Please hurry.
What if he's hurt?
Don't worry.
Sam's a good kid.
He won't do anything stupid.
[music playing]
Sam.
Sam.
Where's the famous clubhouse?
It's got to be
around here somewhere.
Sam.
Sam.
Sam.
[music playing]
Hey, how did you get up here?
Hi, James.
Wouldn't it be
cool to fly, James?
I dreamt about it.
My mom and dad were down
there yelling at me.
And then they got smaller
and smaller till they
weren't there any more.
Yeah, that's cool all right.
But that's just in dreams.
I know.
You see that?
Yeah.
Come on.
[music playing]
I left my jacket
in the clubhouse.
Let's go get it.
Over here.
MR ROBERTS: I got him.
Sam, oh, Sam, oh, baby.
Sam.
I'm glad you're back.
I don't want to let you go.
[knocking]
[splashing]
The fish!
The fish!
[yelling]
I got him.
I got him.
Give him a pencil.
Get him a test.
All right, everybody,
emergency is over.
The fish is fine.
See.
Get back to work.
Did somebody move?
No, ma'am.
OK.
Kids, you'll be happy to
know that Sam has been found.
And he's back with
his mom and dad.
He's fine.
Don't be so modest, Ken.
Your class should know.
Mr. Roberts is the
one who found Sam.
All right, now let's
get back to work.
OK, time's up.
Pass your tests forward.
I'm dead.
You didn't get
to do any of it?
I didn't even hand it in.
I don't think he'll
give us points
for writing out name on it.
That that's.
Well, maybe not.
I'll see later.
Hi, there.
Hi.
Tony, here he comes.
Throw it.
Oop, almost.
Hey, Mr. Roberts, go long.
[music playing]
Got it.
You OK, Mr. Roberts?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
We got all the test for you.
Thank you.
All right, let's try that again.
Here's your pen.
See you tomorrow.
Yes.
[knocking]
Hi.
Hi.
Well, I have
something to tell you.
I'm going to have to go
away for a little while.
I know.
You do.
I saw you get your showcase.
Yeah, well, I
have to go to Denver
for this teaching
conference, and I think
I'm going to be gone from--
- What?
Thursday to--
But I thought you were--
What?
I thought you were
getting divorced.
Divorced?
Well, you and dad
were arguing so much.
Oh, honey, well,
sure we argue.
I mean people do sometimes.
But your dad and I love
each other an awful lot.
I'm sorry you thought that.
KAREN: Guess what?
My parents aren't
getting divorced.
My mom just had a
conference in Denver.
They're not?
No, so they were just arguing.
So we were totally clueless.
That's great.
What's great?
Karen's aren't
getting a divorce.
That's their choice.
And that's not all.
You know that test?
I got one from my dad
and I filled it all out
and put it in the file for you.
You what?
Oh, no.
What?
I did the same thing.
Now there are two test
with your name on it.
Great.
So now just not only flunk,
I get busted for cheating.
OK, let's not panic here.
All we have to do is--
uh-- sneak into the classroom
and take away the extra tests.
Yeah, right.
Yeah, my dad's not
finished grading them yet.
OK, we've only got
a couple of minutes.
So let's--
No, no.
Don't help me any more.
Thank you very much.
I'll do this one myself.
[music playing]
James, can I help
you find something?
James, Mr. Roberts would
like to speak with you.
Come on in, James.
You know our attitude
towards cheating.
It cuts against everything
we try to do here.
It's one of the most serious
offenses a student can commit.
Now this is what's
going to happen.
The two false tests
will be thrown out.
And I'll be having a little
talk with Tommy and my daughter.
See teachers, even
the slower ones,
get to recognize their
students handwriting.
It wasn't really their fault.
And now to you.
You will stay after school
today and take a makeup test.
And you can count on the
questions being different.
That's-- that's all?
Would you prefer
electrocution?
Well, no, sir.
But why?
Well, because one
of your classmates
broke the sacred
kid vow of silence
and told me what happened
on the day of the test
and what you did for Sam.
Oh.
OK.
That's it.
Just be ready for that
test at the end of the day.
Thank you, Mr. Roberts.
Who told you?
Sorry, there's a teacher
vow of silence too.
[music playing]
Hey, wake up, sleepy head.
Come on, you don't want to
be late for your first day
at the big school.
No way.
Come on.
Getting big.
[music playing]
Yes I understand that.
But I have a schedule too.
Look, let's just talk
about it later, OK?
Your father is driving me crazy.
He's got a meeting
on Friday and he
can't pick you up until 6:00.
But he knows very well that
I have a class that night.
Ah, well, I got an idea.
I could go to school with you,
hang out at the snack bar,
and he could pick me up there.
That would work.
That would work.
That's great.
Thank you.
Oh, you are so my son right now.
I'm telling you, divorce
can be the greatest thing
that ever happened to you.
Hey, Tommy.
Oh, hey, James.
It's all here in my newsletter.
Guys ready for the big time?
Yeah.
No more baby school.
Whoops, sorry, Karen.
It's OK, Ernie.
I'll see you guys next year.
And I'll see you after school.
Sure.
Kind of neat to be
taking a bus, huh?
Nah, I kind of
miss the old bridge.
Me too.
Billy, I saved
you a jelly donut.
No way.
I'm sick of sex.
[music playing]