Open Season (1995) - full transcript

(CARS HONKING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Son of a bitch!

(GRUNTING)

(GUN FIRING)

Yeah!
(SCREAMING) Yeah!

(POLICE SIREN BLARING)

(SCREAMING) Oh!

(CHURCH BELLS RINGING)

(GRUNTS)
Oh!

Sunday school's over!



(GRUNTS)

(GROWLS)

Yah!
(GRUNTING)

(SHRIEKING)

You need any help, Sis?
No, you take this guy.
I got the other one.

(NUN SHRIEKING)

(NUN SHRIEKING)

(MAN GRUNTING)

BILLY: According to
our research,

it shows a 76%
stimulus response,

66% leadership factor,

and an 85% percent

demographic
viewability quotient.

What the fuck
does that mean?



It is the highest-tested
show in the history
of the network.

All right, I just
got one question.

If I allow a show
about a macho nun
on my network,

am I gonna have
the church on my ass?

We could have some
affiliate trouble in
the south and in Utah.

I can't have
affiliate trouble.

You see, I...
You gotta have
affiliates to win.

Now, Billy,
do we really
need this show?

Sir,

like another man,
I follow a simple path.

I follow the path
the numbers tell me
to take. They speak to me.

And I respond
to what they say,
what they mean.

It's all right there.

Unless the good
Lord changes
the rules of the game,

the data dictates
what is acceptable,

and what is not.

Excuse me,

but that doesn't
answer the question.

What if your
numbers are wrong?

Yeah, Billy, I mean...

(CHUCKLES) What
if the numbers
are wrong?

The numbers
are never wrong.

(CHUCKLES) That's right.

(LAUGHING)

Nine years ago,
when I bought
this network,

they said, "He owns used cars,
shipyards, horses.

"What does he know
about broadcasting?"

Well, all I know is
that for the past nine
consecutive years,

this network has
been number one.

And this year,

we have a chance to do
what no other network
has ever done.

That's be number one

for the tenth
consecutive year!

Thank you.

Thank you.

That's why I am
proud as hell

to present our
new fall schedule.

First,

"Daddy Does Dope."

"Cleveland."

The buckeye soap opera.

And this action
adventure series,

"Kicking the Habit."

(CHUCKLING)

"MALIBU O-B-G-Y-N."

The human drama.

And finally the interracial
sitcom entitled,

"Thirty Love My Serb."

Now I ask you,

is that a schedule
designed merely
to get numbers?

Or is that a schedule
designed to enlighten

and educate the people
of America?

Excuse me, George,

but isn't it true
that just last week you
were quoted as saying,

"I like to see the American
people eat shit"?

That remark was taken
totally out of context.

Weren't you also
quoted as saying,

"I want that record
and I don't care who
I gotta fuck to get it"?

I never said that.
And we can prove he
wasn't there when he did.

REPORTERS: Oh, please!
Now...

(STUTTERS) I'm shocked at
these allegations. Shocked.

These are attempts
to discredit us by
the doomsayers,

the, the subversives,

and other Democrats.

(REPORTERS GROAN)

And with that,

I pledge to you
that this will be the
most amazing season

in the history
of television.

(REPORTERS TALKING
INDISTINCTLY)

Thank you, gentlemen.
Thank you.

STUART: This is
a Fielding box.

Yes, this little handy,
dandy device might seem
simple and small,

yet to some it may
be the most feared
machine in the world.

How come?

It produces
the television ratings.

Correct! Give that
lady a husband!

(LAUGHING)

Yes, the infamous
Fielding ratings.

The process that determines
who watches what,

and where and when
they watch it.

WOMAN: What about "Why"?

What about it?
WOMAN: What happened
to "Why"?

Why they watch it?
Yeah.

That's for the networks
to decide.

I'm afraid that's
not my responsibility.

If it were, I guess I'd be
in charge of programming
and they'd be giving tours.

(LAUGHING)

Now, if you follow me.

And you!

That's how
the Fielding families
are selected?

That's it.
Totally at random.

Not very scientific.
A categorized
formula based on

a digital income
bracketing would
be much better.

Stupid. Digital is not
scientifically acceptable.

Right, Mr. Sain?

Uh, sure.
See? Told ya.

GIRL: And how are
the boxes distributed
to the families?

(INDISTINCT)

Mr. Sain, how are
the boxes distributed?

According to population.

One box for each
100,000 people
in a designated area.

This way, please.

(INDISTINCT)

STUART: Each box is checked,
double checked, even triple
checked for accuracy.

Here at Fielding,
nobody wants
any mistakes.

STUART: It records
constantly,

even when the set is off.

But when it's on, the box
picks up the station
that it's tuned into,

and transmits it
by special telephone
wires to this.

COMPUTER: (IN FEMALE VOICE)
New Haven, Connecticut.

Two, four, seven
reporting. CNN.
The most accurate
computer in the world.

We at Fielding refer to it as
the "Mother ship."

That's it!
That's how the system
works here at Fielding.

Top of the line,
state of the art technology.

Except for three
times a year,

when the families
are required to fill out
these diaries by hand.

This is known as...
Sweeps week!

(STUTTERS) I read
TV Guide.

(ALL LAUGHING)

That's okay.
So do a lot
of other people.

The meters are then boxed,
and carefully loaded onto
a fleet of Fielding trucks.

Where they will
be taken to their
various destinations...

Hey, careful!
Careful with
these things!

Once the meters
arrive at their
various destinations...

(TIRES SCREECHING)
DRIVER 1: Look out!

(CLATTERING)

DRIVER 1: Hey! Who you
callin' a son of a bitch?

DRIVER 2: You dickhead,
you nearly killed me!

DRIVER 1: Kiss my ass!

DRIVER 2: Kiss your ass?
I'll kick your ass!

(BOXES WHIRRING)

(DRIVERS ARGUING INDISTINCTLY)

The meters will then
be installed by our various
friendly Fielding reps.

Please follow me.
Come this way.
(ENGINE ROARS)

(ARGUING CONTINUES)

(BOXES WHIRRING)

Stuart, you're
a real asshole.

Damnit, Sain,
be reasonable.

It's not the truth,
and you know it.

Teams do it
all the time.
Not my team.

You are so
fucking straight.

Thank you.

Guys, guys, let me
talk to him, okay?

Stuart...
Leon, don't pull
rank on me now.

I'm the captain of
the softball team.

I'm the one who puts
the schedule together.

And everybody
appreciates that.

Fine. Then why, as we
are about to go
into the playoffs,

do you suddenly want
to add this ringer
to our roster?

(CHUCKLES) A ringer?
Carter's not a ringer.

The guy works here.

Two months.
The season started
before he got here.

Now, you know the rules.

And if Carter plays
under my name,

who's gonna know?
I'll know.

And I'll know, too.

And so will the guys
on the team.

And guess what,
no one else cares.

Except me.
Except you.

Damnit, Stuart!

Where is it written
that everybody has
to know everything?

Does the Pentagon reveal
all their weapons?

No.

Did you know when your
parents made love?

No, I didn't know
when my parents made love.

I didn't want to know.
It's disgusting to even
think about.

This is not
the same thing.

All right, Stuart, look.
You're my partner right?

Think about this...

Now both you and Carter
are up for the same
promotion as director.

You don't want it to seem
like you're prejudiced
against the guy.

These guys have
a different agenda.

Everybody wants
to be number one.

To get along,
you go along.

Okay, everybody gather around.
Let's settle this thing
for once and for all.

Come on, come on.

Okay, the question
is whether we
knowingly allow

Peter Carter, who just
happens to be an
all-city first baseman,

to play in our team
under an assumed name.

He's right.
Yeah, so?

Well, there's a catch.

By doing that, we have to
cut a player who helped
us when we needed him.

Marv Harris.
ALL: (GROANING)

Is that what you want?
Is that what you want?

It sure as hell
ain't what I want.

I want to go out
the same way we came in.

We win as a team,
we lose a team.

Come on,
are you with me?

ALL: No!

MAN: Welcome, man.
You're in.

MAN: All right,
all right.
MAN 2: Good to have you on.

Can you believe not
one person backed me up?

Not one.

I did the right thing.
I did the proper thing,
and what happened?

I got reamed!

Phoebe, I ask you,

what is happening
with our society?

STUART: Is this
what we've become?

Is winning so important?

Does everyone have
to be number one?

I mean, is everybody
full of shit?

Hi.

Nice hat.

Stuart.

Hi, honey.

Bye-bye.
See you later.

Hey, pick up
after your dog!

Good girl.

CARY: Stuart, I can't
believe the progress I'm
making with this group.

It's the best
rehab group I've
ever counseled.

STUART: That's great honey.
It's really wonderful
when you

work with highly
motivated people.

STUART: Don't I know it?

CARY: My problem is
I've been hearing
rumors of budget cuts.

STUART: Budget problems?
New York City?

STUART: (SARCASTICALLY) No!
CARY: Yes!

CARY: Thinking about
maybe having a raffle
or a bake sale.

STUART: Bake sale?
These guys?

What are they
gonna pay?
Cash prize?

Stuart, that's not funny.

(LAUGHING)

Oh, God! Look at this Limoges!

This is the pattern
of Limoges china
I want someday.

That's nice.

Marlene says she knows
a guy who can get it
at 30% off.

Marlene is the crack
addict, right?

Heroin.

Angel, however, says he
knows somebody who can
have it fall off a truck.

Angel's the crack
addict, right?
Methadone.

Oh, maybe I should
try methadone.

Wonder if there's
a methadone light.

You're not paying
any attention to me.

I am too. You were
just talking about a city
in China named "Ling Moge."

Limoges is china.

Now what's going on?

Nothing.

Stuart, you
are mumbling.

I always know there's
something wrong when
you start mumbling.

It's like living with Popeye.

Oh, funny, very funny.
My career's gone
down the tubes

and you're
telling jokes...

So you're still bummed
out about today?

Yeah, yeah,
of course I am.

Well, you told
the truth.
I'm proud of you.

And then Leon
reminds me of the
political implications.

Leon is a weasel.

Yeah, but he's
my weasel.

And I'm going to need
his help to get
the supervisor promotion.

Honey, Leon is not
going to stick his
neck out for you.

Well, I should get it!
I should get
the promotion.

I've been with
the company for
five years.

Carter's been
there two months.

Besides, we could
use the extra money.

CARY: We're doing fine!

We're doing okay.

We will do what
we always have done.

We'll work hard,
enjoy our lives together,

and ask my
parents for money.

I don't like asking
your parents for money.

Oh, that's natural.
They don't like you
asking either.

(FLUSHES TOILET)

(SCREAMING)

Plus I'm scared
that I've plateaued.

You mean this
is as good as it's
going to get?

Oh, God.

No, I'm serious.

I used to be the kid,

the up-and-comer,

and now I'm seeing these 25,
26-year-olds, and...

I'm feeling
a little vulnerable.

Poor baby.
Feeling vulnerable, huh?

(MUMBLING)

Whoa, whoa.
What you doing?
(GIGGLES)

Ow! It's cold!
Feels like a little
chubby to me.

Cold, cold...
No, I'm serious.

I don't get it,
I don't get it.

I'm 38 years old.
I mean, that's
not ancient.

I mean, they treat me
like I'm Methuselah.

Why do they think
I'm so straight?

RADIO ANNOUNCER:
Classic Rock Radio,
with the Everly Brothers.

(ALL I HAVE TO DO IS
DREAM PLAYING ON RADIO)

* Dream, dream, dream

* When I want you

BOTH: * In my arms
When I want you

* And all your charms

* Whenever I want you

* All I have to do is dream

* Dream, dream, dream...

(GROWLS)

* I can make you mine

* Taste your lips of wine
(DOG BARKING)

* Any time
Night or day

* Only trouble is

* Gee whiz
I'm dreamin' my life away

* I need you so

* And I need you
* That I could die

* I love you so
* And I love you

* And that is why

* Whenever I want you

* All I have to do

* Is dream...

(SONG CONTINUES ON RADIO)
(GIGGLES)

Tell me a fantasy.

Closet space.

(MOANING)

(BEEPER RINGING)

You're not answering that.

It's Leon. It might
be the promotion.

God, I wish you
moved for me like that.

Hello, Leon.

Partner, what's up?

(WHISPERING) Tell him
to go to hell.

Cary says, "Hi."

Hey, I want you to
know I went to the wall
for you, all right?

If it wasn't for me,
you would have
gotten nowhere.

You mean I got it?

I didn't say that.

I didn't get it?
I didn't say
that either.

I just want you
to appreciate the fact
that I supported you.

Sure.

Listen, they want
to give you a test.

What kind of test?

You are goin' on TV.

I'm what?

LEON: They're doing a special
on a new TV season.

They wanted someone
to come in and speak
about the Fielding boxes.

Everybody worth
a shit is out of town,

so I suggested you.

Thanks!

LEON: Listen,

this could make
the difference all right?

Now don't
screw it up. Peace.

CARY: Good news?

Maybe.

Maybe.

(BOXES WHIRRING)

MAN: Honey, where did
you get this ham?

I got it from
Beagle's supermarket.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

It's great.

Corn's real good.

Best corn this year.

Now, tomorrow, tomorrow
we're having broccoli.

Broccoli? Oh, wow!

GIRL: It's not
even Sunday.

Well, I know, but it's
your daddy's favorite.
You ought to
take a break.

Mmm-hmm.

Well, this is a most
appreciative family,
I'll tell ya.

Here's to Mom.

Moo!
(LAUGHING)

ZACH: Let's get changed
and go for some
frozen yoghurt.

Yeah!
Yeah!

(DOORBELL RINGS)
Wonder who
that can be.

What flavor are you
gonna get?
The new one.

Cajun tuna!
Cajun tuna?

Oh.
Afternoon.

My name's Mr. Conrad
and your family has been

selected for
a Fielding Family.

Uh, Zachariah,

this man wants us
to be a Fielson Family.

Fielding.
A Fielding Family.

Oh, my.
A Fielding Family.

Daddy. They're the people
who rate the TV shows.

Is that right?
Uh, pretty close.

I'm sorry,
we're just plain folk.

You'd be better off
with someone else.

Not at all.

Not at all.

No, we'd be proud to be
one of your families.
Mr. Fielding.

Yessir, proud.

Come on in. Come on in.

How does
this thing work?

What we do is hook
up this box to your
television set.

You don't need
to do a thing.

Everything is
transmitted directly to
the "mother ship" computer.

You don't understand,
my husband and I,

we don't watch
much television.

That's okay, because...
We will represent
that small segment

of the population
that is more
selective or, uh,

actually reads.
That's correct.

My husband... He knows
about such things, you know.
He's a Doctor of Psychology.

Really? You know,
I minored in psychology.

Wow, how impressive.

Yeah. The basic thing
to always remember...

To be sure you don't
change your viewing habits.

(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)

Don't change your
viewing habits?
Right.

That would
defeat the purpose.

(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)

Okay.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING ON TV)

Is this like
one of those
mathematical surveys?

Yes.
(MAN BURPS)

It, um, it reaches
the lowest
common denominator.

Molly! Bring me
another damn beer!

Oh! Could you
stay for dinner?

(MAN BELCHES)

I'm sorry, I...

I must be going.
Goodbye and good luck.

ANNOUNCER: Coming up next,
a panel discussion

on the upcoming
television season.

Here on Public
Broadcast Television.

Oh, no! Educational shit.

Whoa oh! Yeah.

(LAUGHING)

Whoo!

Son of a bitch.

All right, five,
four, three, two...

Okay, continuing our
conversation now

on the eve of
the upcoming
television season,

with Rachel Rowen,
the head of Public
Broadcasting Television,

Stuart Sain, representing
the Fielding Corporation,

and on the far end,
the noted, acid-tongued
media critic, Jackson Carp.

Acid-tongued?

Bob, you wound me.

Well, in your case,
Jackson, I'm sure it's
only a flesh wound.

Wow, Stuart looks great.

Of course he looks
great, he's my partner.

Ms. Rowen, let me ask
you the first question.

You've just been appointed
the new head of PBT.

How do you
plan to compete with
the giant networks?

I don't.
Seriously.

I am serious, Bob.

The rewarding
part of public
broadcasting is that

we don't have to try
and reach the broadest
possible audience

so that we
can charge higher
rates for advertising.

We're not interested in
who's hot and who's not.

We're only
interested in providing

creative, intelligent,

and even occasionally
entertaining programs
of quality.

We have
higher objectives.

Silly things like

the future
of our children.

Conservation,
saving our planet.

Making broadcasting
a learning tool.

Instead of a spiraling
competitive game for ratings.

You're telling me that you
have no interest in ratings?

Did you ever pay
anyone for ratings?

Me personally? No.

Well, neither
has anyone else,
but the networks.

Well, that's
one perspective,

and I'm sure there are
others including that

of Mr. Sain.

And we'll get it
when we come back
after this break.

(SIGHS)

Was that okay?
I got...
Oh, boy! You showed
some passion...

And I'll tell
you that...
Well, you know...

Excuse me.
Where you goin'?

You gotta be back.
We're only gone
for a moment.

I got time for
a cigarette.
Ninety seconds.

You're doing great!

I don't look
nervous, do I?
No!

Partner!

Honey, that's your
second drink.
Come on, come on.

I'm fine!

Of course he's fine.
He's my partner, huh?

Thanks a lot, man.

Here's a little
gift for later.

Leon, are you crazy?

You know what my wife
will do if she sees this?

Loosen up, bro. You know,
you were a lot more fun

when we used to
get high together.

Leon, take it back, take...

We're ready
for you.

Kick ass, partner!

It's really gonna
help you out next time.

Next time? What do
you mean next time?

I didn't get it.
I didn't say that.

I got it?
No.

They went with Carter.
Look, we'll talk about
it afterwards.

You told me it
was all going to
hinge on tonight.

Hey, they had
a different agenda.

What the hell
does that mean?
We need you now.

Good luck, honey.

You know, I went to
the wall for him.

Sure.

Okay, we're back.

CAMERA MAN: Yeah,
he's all hooked up.
(BELL RINGING)

MAN: All right, we're back.

Ready in five, four,
three...

Okay, we're back,
and as we promised,
we're going to turn to

Stuart Sain.

Mr. Sain.
Son of a bitch.

Mr. Sain?
What?

Mr. Sain, perhaps you'd
like to tell us

why we need
your service?

Hell if I know.

What did he say?
Well...

Hey...

Don't you have
anything to say? Does
anybody have anything to say?

I'll tell you why.
Well, please.
Jump right in.

That way the networks can
sell commercial time.

That's the only thing
networks can sell.

Everything else,
they buy.

You know, something that
determines what
250 million people watch

should have
more than 1,200
people's input.

In fact, the ratings
are a farce.

Say something, bro.

Mr. Sain, would you
like to respond to that?

Why? He's got all
the answers.

Secondly, who
are these families?

JACKSON: Obviously they're
not very smart. Look at
what they watch.

Art should raise
the level up.

Not down.

And what about this
"average person" theory?

By giving an "average person"
power, he's no longer
an average person.

Thirdly, there's
the snowball effect.

By saying something
is number one,

what do they watch?
Number one.
(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)

JACKSON: Even if it
wasn't number one,
it becomes number one.

Besides, how accurate
are these ratings?

They say the margin
of error that they
allow is 3%.

What if it's 10%?

A 10% change
could move a show from
thirty-fifth to tenth.

What if it's 25%?

What if the damn
thing's just broke?

What if? What if, what if...
I mean...

If my aunt had balls,
she'd be my uncle.

(CHUCKLES)
Whoa!

What the...

All you guys
do is criticize.

All I hear about
are agendas.

What is happening
to America?

What about character?

What about integrity?

What happened
to just fair play?

Fair play?
Character?

That went
out years ago.

(SCOFFS) Not to me
it didn't.

I think you're
very naive.

And I think you
are an asshole.

(LAUGHING)
No, he didn't.

(NERVOUSLY) Hey,
I didn't mean that.
I didn't mean that.

BOB: At least you've
accomplished one thing.

Jackson, it's the first
time I've seen
you speechless.

I will sit here
and be insulted.

I won't stand for it!

Jackson, please.
Come on.

Oh, oh... Easy.

Damnit!
He's down,
but not out.

Jackson, please,
come back. Come on.

This is funny?
(LAUGHING)

What the hell
are you doing?

I couldn't
stop him.
I'm sorry I didn't
mean to...

It just... It just...

(LAUGHING)

Well, uh, how
did I do?

You sucked partner.
HOMELESS MAN: Spare change?

You blew it man.
You lost your cool.

You were great. You were
passionate, you were sexy.

You called the guy
an asshole!

Sorry that slipped.

No, no. I'll tell you what
slipped, partner. Your job
just slipped.

Oh, Leon,
you're overreacting.

Excuse me. Sorry, forgive me
for interrupting, but I...

Oh, I just wanted
to introduce
myself formally.

I'm Rachel Rowen.

Hi, Stuart Sain.
My wife, Cary.

Hello.
Hi.

I just have to tell you,

that I found what
you said in there
very refreshing.

I grew up in the '60s
and I believe
in fair play, too.

Oh, thank you.
Although, I guess I should
have censored myself.

Nonsense, no, I don't
believe in censorship
of any kind!

Confidentially, the guy
is an asshole.

Thank you.

Well, look,

I'm putting together
a new team for PBT.

And, well, if they're
crazy enough to give
me the authority,

I'm crazy enough
to follow my hunches.
You Interested?

I beg your pardon?

Uh, partner, maybe
you should think
this over a little.

Why don't you come by
my office and we can
kick it around, discuss it?

You're serious?
Uh-huh!

After all, we have
been loyal to you.

Well, I'll have to
talk this over
with my wife first.

How soon
can he start?

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

WOMAN: Good morning, PBT,
may I help you?

Good morning, PBT...

MALE ANNOUNCER: Don't forget
the blood drive
Wednesday morning...

FEMALE ANNOUNCER: The mothers
against... Vegetarian luncheon

will meet next Wednesday
at 1:00.

MALE ANNOUNCER: There will
a public scarification by the
performance artist, Figaro,

Friday at 8:00.
WOMAN: Good Morning, PBT...

FEMALE ANNOUNCER: Please
remember to recycle

all biodegradable materials
in the yellow bins.

MALE ANNOUNCER: There will be
a free screening of the movie,
King Of Hearts,

in the conference room,
Tuesday night at 7:30.

FEMALE ANNOUNCER:
The exiled Latino...
(TODDLER CRYING)

Will be on Monday
at noon in the cafeteria.

MALE ANNOUNCER: Don't forget
to sign the petition
to support

the acid rain referendum.

FEMALE ANNOUNCER: All pledges
for the civil disability
dance-a-thon

are due by next Friday.

Okay, everyone.

This is Stuart Sain.

Hi.
ALL: Hi.

Stuart is going to be
joining us in a
public relations capacity.

Although, I'm not quite
sure what that
position is yet.

AMANDA: Join the club.
(RACHEL LAUGHING)

RACHEL: Anyway let's get
down to business.

What do you
think of my new
programming choices?

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Um...

Counter-programming
is one thing,

but do you have to make
our jobs tougher than
they already are?

I don't follow.

Uh, what he means
is that we still
need underwriters.

RACHEL: So?

So when the networks
open up with their biggest,
most highly promoted shows...

We present,
"Spotted Whales,

"Friends or Foes?"

Or "Central America,

"Beyond Murals."
What is this?
Here's my favorite.

"The History of Limoges."

AMANDA: It's killing me.

Limoges china?
Yeah.

That's great.

Well, at least one
person thinks so.

Please!

Come on, Rachel!
Get real!

I am real.
Come on, you guys!

I think it's important that
we make a statement.

Yeah, and I'll tell
you what that statement is.

Boring!

There you go!

Okay, Stuart,
do you think
it's boring?

Me?
Mmm-hmm.

What I think
isn't important.

You're the captain.

And it's the captain's
decision to make.

And rather than
second-guess it, I think we
should rally around it.

A good, positive, attitude
takes you a long way.

Well, thank you, Stuart.

Now, if there are no
other questions...
Well, just one...

What?

Do you guys have
a softball team?

BILLY: Tomorrow our
season begins.

I want each of you in top
physical condition.

Fatigue makes
cowards of us all.

Now,

let us join hands
and ask His forgiveness.

Dear Lord, grant us
thy wisdom,

and thy courage
for our programming.

Help us to reach,

our potential objectives.

To climb...

Herbert, that man is
honest to goodness, 100%,

full-fledged,
prime USDA, whacko.

Yes, George.

But he's the most
winningest programmer
in history.

He is very good.

Good?

I don't give a damn
about good.

I said he wins.

You know
the difference?
Yes, George.

I mean, no, George.

Herbert.

How big is your cock?

I beg your pardon?

How big is your cock?

Is it nine inches?

Seven inches?

Two inches?

About seven
inches, I guess.

Seven inches?
That's good!

That's good.
That's pretty good.

Thank you, sir.

My cock used to
be seven inches.

Do you know
how large it is now?

No, George.

Take a guess.

Oh, I...

I don't know.
A man of your size...

I guess, maybe...

Eleven and
one-quarter inches.

Exactly.

You know how I know?

No, George,

I measure it each
and every day.

Good idea.

Eleven and one-quarter inches.
Up from seven inches.

You know what
made the difference?

No.

Won't you take a guess?

Nautilus?

No, no!

No, winning!

The Kentucky Derby.
The America's Cup.

The Super Bowl. Winning.
Winning made it grow.

The difference
between just being
good and winning?

Four and a quarter inches.

And after this record,
it'll be five.

And that's why...
That's why Billy's
in charge.

He may be a whacko,

but he makes
my cock grow.

You understand?
Yes, George.

Good.

Now, let's go
join the party, huh?

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Personally, I don't
think "The Civil War" can
sustain for a half hour.

What about the new pilot
from Spelling?

That...
That's a definite maybe.

What do you think?

For a comedy,
it's much too funny
for the concept.

What do you
think, Herbert?
Me?

I'll get back to
you on that.

So we lost the car
and two stuntmen. Now that's
sad, but...

Great footage.
Great footage.

Can't wait for you
to see it. Good to see
you tonight, too.

Good to see you.
Okay, thank you.

Good night,
good night.

Hi, Herbert.
Uh, Mr. Plunkett,

my name's Linda Carlisle,

and I'm the new intern
in bookkeeping

and I just wanted to say
that I'm looking forward
to working with you

and the network.

Well, thank you very much.

I've followed your
career closely.

You've been
a role model of mine.

In fact, I went
to the same
university as you.

You went to Emporia?

Only for two years.

(LAUGHING) Two years?

Well, you got me beat.
I flunked out in one.

(LAUGHING)

What about "Day Time"?
"Day Time"?

It's good. It's early,
but it's good.

Mr. Patrick does not
drink alcohol.

Glass of iced tea, please.

Sir?

Can I help you?

I am...

Well, come on,
out with it!

I've been assigned
to be your personal
ratings courier.

Buck green
rookie messenger.

Shit!

You nervous?

I remember my first time.
I was about your age.
I was nervous.

But I wasn't gonna
let the old man down.

I knew that if
I worked harder
than anyone

and longer than anyone

and put my trust
in the hands
of the Lord,

the numbers would
be there for me.

And if you do that,

the numbers will be
there for you, too.

Anything else?

No, sir.

You like jazz?

I'll get back
to you on that.

COMPUTER: (IN FEMALE VOICE)
Perryton Park, Oregon.

Off.

Off.
(SNORING)

Off. Off.

Sunday school's over.

MAN: (IN FRENCH ACCENT)
Besides wine, cuisine
and fashion,

France also produces
the finest china
in the world

from the small,
but legendary town
of Limoges.

If you notice the way
the vase is shaped,

it sings with
the music of the
countryside.

(TELEVISION CLICKS)
(SHRIEKING)

(SNORING CONTINUES)

COMPUTER: (IN FEMALE VOICE)
Perryton Park Oregon,
reporting.

GPN.

GPN.

PBT.

PBT.

PBT.

PBT...

(FAX MACHINE BEEPING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

MAN: Go get him,
go get him, son.

MAN 2: Good job, kid.

WOMAN: Good luck to you.

Hey, hey!

Yeah!

You're gonna do great!

You're fired.

TELEVISION ANNOUNCER: So with
30 games left in the season,

the Montreal Expos have
now pulled within two
games of first place.

Can you
believe it?
(WOMAN MOANING)

Look at this,
here's the headline of
the New York Daily News.

"Montreal Knocking
on Ze Door."

The question is
will New York hang on?

Maybe, maybe not.

All right,
the first week's
Fielding ratings are up.

And, not surprisingly,
George Plunkett's network
resides safely in first place.

But let me tell you
what is surprising.

The margin of victory,

the margin of victory
is only five points,

nearly five points
short of all expectations.

Check out this...
What?

Even more shocking is
the fact that most
of these points

were gained by,
well, not by the rival
commercial networks...

Georgie?
(DOOR SHUTS)

Documentary
special entitled
Come on,
come on back!

"The History
of Limoges."

(CHUCKLES) Come on,
Limoges! Gelpin,
what's Limoges?

GEORGE: (IN DISTANCE)
Son of a bitch!

FEMALE ANNOUNCER: Softball
practice will be
Thursday at 3:00 p.m.

MONA: Mr. Sain?

It's Stan Nussbaum
on line one.

STUART: Stan?

Dinner Thursday?

Montrachet, dinner,
Thursday sounds good.

Okay, okay, fine.
See you then.

Yoo-hoo.

Got a sec?
Thank you.
Sure, sure. Come on in.
Come on in.

I just wanted to tell you how
much I appreciated your
support the other day.

Oh, you're welcome.
It just came straight
from the heart.

Wow... Did you hear
the news?

I guess there's a lot
more Limoges lovers out
there than we thought.

That's great!
Yeah.

Oh, I got such a good
feeling about you,
Stuart Sain.

Anyway, so, well...

That's all I
wanted to say.
Any time.

(MUMBLING) One more thing.
One more thing.

Um...

I'd like your opinion.

Which do you find
more intriguing between
these two programs?

"Where Have
Our Oceans Gone?"

Or...

"Kennedy, What's
Left to Say?"

Which ocean?

(BELLS JANGLING)

STUART: They were
interested in
my opinions.

Can you believe it?
My opinions!

You mean you
haven't plateaued?

I love you.

You're smart.

Oh, by the way,
do you remember
Stan Nussbaum?

Who?
Stan Nussbaum.

No.

Neither do I, but we're
having dinner with him
next Thursday.

I'm telling you,
this is the best thing that's
ever happened to us, ever.

Did they tell you what
you're supposed to do?

Not really. I mean,
I guess I'm just

going to do the same thing
I've always been doing.

But you really
don't do anything.

Well, apparently, I must do
something because I'm doing
it now at a much higher level.

(DOG WHINING)
Sorry, Phoebe.

Okay, time to go sleep.

(CHUCKLES)

Phoebe, you're
Mommy is terrific.

Phoebe.

Ask your daddy
if he wouldn't rather
sleep with Rachel.

No, I love your
mommy. In fact...

I wish there were
two mommies.

Two mommies?

Yeah, big mommy.

Maybe a little mommy.

Won't that
be fun Phoebe?

A big mommy
and a little mommy.

What's that
supposed to mean?

I just thought with
the new job, you know it's...

Got more money.
We might reconsider.

Reconsider what?

Well, you know.
We're gonna have
a little bit more time.

Whose time, yours?

'Cause my hours
haven't changed.

What does that mean?
(SCOFFS)

It means that my work
is just as important to me
as yours is to you,

and I have no intention
of leaving it just because
you get a new job.

You're right.
Stuart, I've put my
life into this clinic.

I thought I had your
total commitment on this.

I mean, I have been
doing such great
work with these people.

And now you throw
me this curve ball?

(SIGHS)
I'm sorry.

Come here,
come here, come here.
Mmm.

(SIGHS)

Look, tomorrow
is Family Day
at the clinic.

All right, I want you
to come down and sit in
on a session.

I want you to see
the progress I'm making
with these people.

You know, they need me.

And you're gonna see,
they're not bad people.

They just...

They just need love.

Sure.

I wanted to cut
her eyes out.

(HOARSLEY) It wasn't me.

It was the drugs.

Is that why you
attacked your mother?

And her three friends?

And your dad?

They were
getting stoned.

Every time I even
smell pot,

I go nuts, man.

I can't control it.

I go into this
fuckin' rage!

I want to kill!

I want to kill!

(SCREAMING) I want to kill!

(SOBBING)

CARY: I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.

I know how much
one needs love.

(STUART COUGHING)
It's okay.

(COUGHING)

(MOUTHING) I'll meet
you at home, okay?

ANNOUNCER: You are
watching GPN, the George
Plunkett Network.

Join our family!

ANNOUNCER 2: Her name was
Mickey Munson Lyle.

She ran the fastest
quarter-mile
in history.

Yet, she never
broke a sweat.

Why? Wisp O'Wind deodorant.

ANNOUNCER 2: Where have
our oceans gone?

(WOMAN SPEAKING RUSSIAN)

Plunkett is number one.

(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)

ANNOUNCER: We've always
been there. We'll always
be there.

Wisp O'Wind...

COMPUTER: (IN FEMALE VOICE)
GPN. GPN. PBT.

PBT. PBT...

MAN: Be at 12 o'clock.

No, no! Don't look,
don't look.

MAN: Uh-oh!

REGIS: Well once again,
the ratings are in.

And surprisingly, once again,
George Plunkett's network
has lost points

to the special report,
"Where have our
oceans gone?"

Where have our oceans gone?
Give me a break!

Is this the beginning
of a trend or what?

GEORGE: Son of a bitch!

Ow!

It doesn't make sense!

(WHISPERS) Just doesn't
make sense.

It's a fluke,
I'm telling you.

You can't come
in here right now.
Billy.

I need action.
Have you
seen these?

Of course
we've seen them.
And?

It's a fluke.
How can you
be sure?

The points were
lost in the Midwest

to PBT.
So?

So everyone knows
the Midwest not only
doesn't watch PBT,

they don't even know
how to spell PBT.

Well, it says here
that they can!

What are
the possibility that this
"culture" trend is real?

Billy, don't you think
you should have
something in development?

Negative.

All data shows that
this is temporary.

There's nothing
to worry about.

Nothing to worry about?

Well, I'll give you
something to worry about,

you four-eyed, chicken shit
son of a bitch.

You keep him
away from me!

George, calm down.
Calm down? Don't tell me
to calm down!

I wanna know
what's going on,
and who's is responsible.

BILLY: Yes.

Who is responsible?

There's gotta be
a reason for this.

Are we doing anything
differently now.

Every number,
every piece of data

says that we are
on course.

I see no reason to
turn and blame them.

Well, then, who in
the hell do we turn to?

Oh...

(ORGAN PLAYING)

Almighty Lord.
We beg thy forgiveness.

For allowing
ourselves to become
a permissive society,

profiting at
the expense of others.

BILLY: But I need guidance.
Am I playing it too safe?

Have we become complacent?

Give me a sign.

Give me a sign.

In a startling move today,
Major League Baseball
canceled

the final 25 games
of the regular season,

and moved up
the World Series
to begin next week.

REPORTER: George!
How you doing?

Is it true that you
paid off the owners
to cancel the season?

Isn't this just
a cheap ratings ploy?
(CHUCKLES)

Fellas, fellas, look.
What is everybody getting
so worked up about?

I mean, the only reason...
Let me assure you this,

the only reason for
a change in the Series was
for the benefit of the fans.

Was it also for the benefit
of the Montreal fans?

(SCOFFS)

Let's be honest.
I mean, who wants
to play baseball

in late October
in Montreal. (LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING) I mean, you have
to play on ice skates.

Besides, October is
a busy month for people.

Yeah. I mean, you got
your Columbus Day,

and you got Halloween...
You gotta set your
clocks back.

Yeah, it's...

You know, it's...
Yes, sir.
There you have it.

It's a nice tie.

MONA: Mr. Sain,
look, I finished
the softball schedule.

Oh, Mona,
this is all wrong.

You've got one team
playing two games
at the same time

and we're not
scheduled at all.

But we're playing
the "Bye's."

No, "Bye" is not
the name of a team.

"Bye" means you have
a week off.

Now we have to
start all over
from scratch.

(PHONE RINGING)
I was hoping to have
this done by today.

Mr. Sain's office.

Yes, Ms. Rowen.

I'll ask him.

Mr. Sains, Ms. Rowen
would like to see you
in her office.

Oh, my god!
Do you believe
this picture?

I thought I looked great.
I must have been on acid.

You were.
(ALL LAUGHING)

Do you remember the time
we got arrested trying to
close down the ROTC?

Poor Miles was arrested.
You and I were too busy
making out, remember?

Yes, well, I'm glad
you guys had a good time.

We did. Don't worry.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Oh, Stuart!
Oh, great, come on in.

I want you to meet
a couple of old
college cronies of mine.

This Susan Steenland.
Hello!

And Peter Miles.
How are ya?

Fine.
They're working
with me on my

"Plight of the
Boat People" special.

Sounds like fun!

So, Stuart,
I asked these guys here

so they could
tell them your ideas
about the schedule.

The schedule?
Yeah, the schedule.
Have you thought about it?

Well, I'm afraid
I haven't gotten it
nailed down just yet.

Of course
you haven't,

but they're just interested in
your impressions on how you
think the season's gonna go.

Oh, the season.
Oh, I'm very optimistic.

(GASPS) You see,
he's optimistic.

Can we seriously
be competitive?

Do you really think this
line-up can sustain
against the big boys?

Oh, I think as
the season goes along,
we'll get much stronger.

Stronger?
Oh, sure you see,

the key is to
evaluate your talent,
and then show patience.

I don't want to sound
overly optimistic,
right now,

but the league they
we're in, the competition,
isn't the strongest.

So with the right chemistry
and a little luck,

I think we have
a chance to finish
the season first.

Ah!
First?

Rachel, is he serious?

Why not?

We've got a good attitude,
good people,

and a real dedication
to winning.

Isn't that what makes
a champion?

What did I tell you
about this guy?

ANNOUNCER: This could be
a key to a good start.

Here he comes...
Score!

Oh, brother.
He doesn't score.
He doesn't score!

SARAH: Zachariah,
your daughter is
becoming disrespectful.

I am not disrespectful.

You said you
hated the corn.

I call that
disrespectful.

HANNAH: I didn't say
I hated the corn. I said
the broccoli was better.

There! Did you hear?
That's enough.

Zachariah, did you hear
what she said?
I said that's enough!

(TV SHORT CIRCUITS)

I'm watching television,
can't you see that?

ANNOUNCER 2: Now we
return to "Kennedy,
What's Left to Say."

Here we see a forgotten
photo taken by a...

What did you do?
I didn't do anything.

ANNOUNCER 1: Bottom
of the ninth. Man, oh, man!

WOMAN: East Jabib, Iowa,
reporting. PBT...
(TV ANNOUNCER SPEAKING)

WOMAN: PBT, PBT, PBT...
(TV ANNOUNCER SPEAKING)

Whoa!

(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

Billy, Billy, Billy,
you know I adore you.

And this is bottom line,
straight from the kishkes.

Prepare yourself to
fall in love with this idea.

This is a top ten...

See I'm putting myself
down, top ten.

This is a top five,
beautiful, half-hour
sitcom...

GEORGE: Hello, Billy.

We were in the neighborhood,
so we thought we'd stop by,
see what's happening.

You don't mind,
do you, Billy?

Good. How about
you, Eric?

Mind? No...

I know people who would
kill their children

to be in a room
with men of your
power and dignity.

Okay. Here it is.
You're ready?

This is a college dorm
run by a dorm counselor.

But it's a co-ed dorm
and a hunky
dorm counselor.

Look at that face.
He's imagining
the complications.

(LAUGHING) Funny stuff.

And it's so fresh, man.
It's so fresh.
And it's got sex.

Eric, this show
is not for...

Excuse me, Billy.

I think the show
should be set
in ancient Greece.

You think?
That way the show has
a classic background.

And we can stick in
Aristotle and Homer.

ERIC: Yeah, yeah.
And I like it, I like it.
And it's still got sex.

ERIC: Yeah.
HERBERT: It'll be
the first "culture-com."

I got the title.
I got the title.
It's coming...

It's "Greek's Company."

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Eric.
Yeah?

Would you excuse us
for a minute?

Are you sure Billy? I think
we're really cooking here.
We're on a roll?

Get out!

Gentlemen, I will not
tolerate any interference
into my jurisdiction.

Is that understood?

You know, Herbert,
this just maybe the show
we've been looking for.

Sir, I think we should
give it first priority.

I will not be told
which programs to develop.

When are those guys
from the BBC arriving?

They should be here
any second.

BBC guys? What are you
talking about BBC guys?

It's good,
because I want
the Brits in on this.

They really know culture.

No personnel decisions
will be made without
my authorization.

Anything else, sir?
Nope!

Where are you headed?
Let's go!

That does it!
All right, fatso.

What the hell do you
think you're trying
to do to my network?

Your network?
You and your holy Joe,
kiss-my-ass strategy.

Do you think I'm gonna sit
here and do nothing?

Oh, I see. Somebody
scores a run,

now you want
to play coach.

Billy, nothing much
really has changed.

We've just decided to
take a little more
personal...

Shut up, you little turd.
I'm talking to you,
fat ass.

You think this is
all my fault, don't you?

Nobody said that...
Shut up!

You know what I think?

I think people want
something new.

Something different.

Sir, the new programmers
from the BBC are here.

Who the hell are you?

WOMAN: This is Mr. Rawly
and Mr. Gossage.
RAWLY: Hello, mates.

GOSSAGE: Mornin' all.

Looking forward to
stamping out the fire,
eh, governor?

Have you looked
over our schedule?

Your schedule?
Have we ever.

You called us in the
nick of time, squire.

Not to worry though,
we've got just the solution.

Sir, I can't believe
the disrespect...

Just wait.

You know what I mean,
governor?

And we'll add
an impress track.

A what?

An impress track.
Something we
just developed.

It'll work the same way
as your laugh tracks do.

What the fuck are
they talking about?

We think the problem
lies in the fact that
you Yanks

might not be too sure
that what's being said
is important.

This will solve the problem.
Absolutely.

Ah! Positively.

An impress track?
It'll revolutionize drama.

Sir, this'll put your name
in the history books.

You'll go down as
the man who made
culture commercial.

How does that make you feel?
I don't give a flying
fuck about it.

All I know is that
if culture is what
America wants,

then fucking culture
is what they're
going to get!

(CELLO PLAYING)

ANNOUNCER: This is
Leslie Maninoff.

His friends call
him "The Rock."

At night, he is a
world-renowned cellist,

scaling the arpeggios
of Bach, Beethoven
and Brahms.

But by day, he's fighting
for harmony for all mankind.

Time to face the music.

Scumbag!

Whether it's convicts
or concertos,

fugues or fisticuffs,

he's all action.

(GRUNTS)

With the "Kicking the Habit"
co-star, Spoon Nettles.

Watch for "Rock-maninoff
C.C. Classical Crime Fighter"!

And now sit back
and laugh with
"Greek's Company"!

Pythagoras, shmagoras.

Who cares if I don't
ace Socrates' exam?

I mean, after all,
Aphrodite isn't exactly
a celestial scientist.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Oh, Clinique.

Deltoid!

Oh, Clinique...

Oh, Deltoid!

Working hard?

BOTH: Xanex!

Oh, we were
just studying.

Yeah, right!

Come on, I know what
you two were up to.

Yeah, I used to
make out under
the Parthenon

before you kids
could read a sundial.

(LAUGHING)
(CRASHING)

Homer, is that you?

Great god,

what these kids doing
moving these poles
like this?

I'm gonna call
my friend Achilles.

You think this is funny.
This ain't funny to me!

Holy, Zeus!

Where's the mercury?

My goodness!

MAN: You promised me this
renovation would cost me
no more than 6,800.

And I get a bill here for
27,500?

(FUSE BLOWS)

You're damn right,
we gotta problem here.

COMPUTER: (IN FEMALE VOICE)
PBT, PBT...
MAN: Not my problem.
Your problem

RECORDED VOICE: PBT, PBT,

PBT...

I invited every critic
to witness this.

Well, it better work.

ANNOUNCER: George Plunkett
Play House

proudly presents

William Shakespeare's
Hamlet.

Prince of Denmark,

starring Joe Piscopo.

O that this too, too
sullied flesh would melt.

Thaw, and resolve
itself into a dew.

VOICES: Ooh. Ahh.

VOICES: Ooh. Ahh.

Or that the everlasting
had not fixed his canon
'gainst self-slaughter.

VOICES: Ooh! Yes! I see.

What in the hell were
those voices?

That's the
impress track, sir.

Brilliant isn't it?
Bloody brilliant!

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Get the fuck out of here!

Before I kick your
asses back to Piccadilly!

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(CRYING)

ALL: Keep coming back,
'cause it works
if you work it.

(ALL CHEERING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Letter for you, Cary.

How could you be late?
We're supposed to
be there by now.

CARY: Stuart, I'm sorry.
They want to close the clinic.
What am I supposed to do?

I know, but
Rachel said eight sharp.

CARY: Could we forget
about Rachel? We're talking
about my work here.

Just hand me my dress.

Sixteen hundred dollars?

CARY: It's a
Comme des Garcon.

A what?
A Comme des Garcon.

A leading designer.

And these shoes?
What did they cost?

CARY: They were $300.
But I got them
on sale for 150.

Tell me, why do
women's shoes cost
so much?

There's no shoe here?
I mean...

Show me a shoe!
Where's the shoe?

CARY: If you're going to
hobnob with these types,

don't you think
your wife has to look nice?

I'm not hobnobbing.
I'm schmoozing.

It's part of my job.

Yeah, well,
it's not part of mine.

Wow!

Wow!

You look great!

That's a great dress!

Oh, man, that's very hot.
I thought you wanted
me to hurry up.

Well, I do,
but I'm horny.
Well, I'm pissed off.

Stuart, they can't
close my clinic.

(SIGHS)

It's okay.

What is this?

There's an armpit hole?

I guess we can
tickle you here.

(LAUGHING) Stop it!
Stop it!

No, come on...

Who did they design
this for, the alien?

(CARY SCREAMS)

I promise I'll
make it up to you.

Are you speaking
to me?

I feel terrible.

I sincerely hope so.

It was an accident.
You did it on purpose.

I did not!
Yes, you did.

Are you going to speak
every time I do?
Probably.

(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

Oh, Cary, Stuart.

Oh, it's great to see you.
I'm so glad you could
come.

And it is so good
to see you again, Cary.
Nice to see you, Rachel.

Organic champagne?
Oh! You must try this.

It's made from
recycled grapes.
It's divine.

Oh, wow!
Tastes almost real.

Now. Let me point out
the usual suspects.

That's Guy Monaco
of Greenpeace.

And, oh, Gary Calter of
Bristol-Myers or Searle,
or one of those companies.

(GASPS) And there's
my chief supporter,

Doris Hays-Britton.

Darling, how are you?

Fabulous!

There's some people
I want you to meet.

This is Cary
and Stuart Sain.

What a beautiful dress.
That's a Comme des Garcon,
isn't it?

Why, yes. (LAUGHING)

Oh, you were right
about this one.

He's got great taste.

Thank you.

And what do you do,
dear?

I work with
drug addicts.

(SOBBING)

Did I say
something wrong?

Doris' husband was
killed by a drug addict.

Oh, great.

Damn criminal.
They should have
locked up in jail.

Oh, my wife doesn't
work with criminals.

No, I work in
rehabilitation.

He was in
rehabilitation.

Hey, what kind of year
you think the Yankees
are gonna have?

Anyway, I won't be doing
it much longer.

They're gonna
close my clinic.

And the Mets,
could surprise, you know.

Why are they going to
close your clinic?

Oh, it seems that there are
more deserving areas
for the funds that we need.

Terrible, but what
are you going to do?

A lot.

Exactly.

What?
What do you need to keep
your clinic open, Cary?

$25,000.

I'll get it for you.

You will?
I will.

You will?

I'll produce a special
on the plight of clinics
in America.

I could use your clinic
as an example. You wouldn't
mind, would you, Cary?

Mind? That's great!

And I'll find
underwriters for it.

Starting with you, Doris.

Me?
Yes!

Oh, Rachel!

You know my
feelings about this...

But that's exactly why
you have to do this.

My friend the liberal.

Rachel, I can't tell
you how this is gonna help.

I've been telling Stuart
how you're the best thing
that's ever happened to him.

(CHUCKLES)

Doris, look who
just walked in.

Oh, my God. They must have
dropped the indictment.

It's Jim McMasters.

He's a low-life degenerate,
but a fun low-life degenerate.

And, of course,
successful.
Oh, very successful.

Excuse us, won't you?

Nice to meet you both.

(LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING MOCKINGLY)

Oh, shut up!
Don't say it!

I didn't say a word.

I know that shit-eating
grin on your face.

Are talking to me?
Are you going to
smirk all night?

Probably. Ow!

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Sir, can I get
you anything?

They're laughing at me.

"They," sir?

When I was a little boy,

they laughed at me.

The called me names.

Tank, two-ton,
tubby, fatty, fatso.

Boulder boy, bubble butt,
bubble face, jelly-belly.

I never dated.
I never scored.

I swore that one day,
I'd show them.

That I'd make them pay.

And now, they're...

They're laughing at me.

Because... They know.

They know.

Sir, I'm sure
you're exaggerating.

Look, I'll
prove it to you.

Ow!
(LAUGHING)

Why so gloomy, George?

Don't you know it's always
darkest before the dawn?

People want something new,
something different.

Isn't that what
you said?

What the hell do
you know about people?

And I'm not talking about
that jet-set, smart ass,
amoral crowd of yours.

I'm talking about
good, hard-working,
God-fearing Americans.

What they want.

What they need.

Nothin'. You know nothin'!

Talk is cheap, Billy!

I need numbers.
Numbers!

I'm gonna get
you numbers.

I'll get you
the greatest numbers
that anyone's ever seen.

I'm gonna save your
ass, jelly-belly.

In a last ditch effort to
capture first place in the all
important sweeps ratings,

George Plunkett's Network
announced it has

canceled tomorrow night's
regularly scheduled programs

and will air instead
a line-up consisting of
"Debbie Does Denver,"

an Iraqi execution,
and a bullfight.

REPORTER: Emotions have been
running high over the moral
implications

of airing of such programs.

The programming move is
being condemned by all
major civic organizations.

It is also expected to draw
the largest viewer audience
in television history.

(TELEPHONES RINGING)
Hello? Sorry,
no comment.

Hello? Sorry,
no comment.

Hello? Sorry,
no comment.

Hello. What? My name!
I'll get back to you on that.

Sir, we might
want to reconsider.

It might be
a good idea not
to go through with this.

What are you
talking about?

We can say it was all
a bad publicity stunt.

We've got to go
through with this.

Sir, I'm begging
you to reconsider.

We have no guarantees...
Guarantees? Restaurants
are closing.

Every motel room
in town is booked.

What do you think
they're going to be watching?
Culture, or pussy!

Washington is very upset.
Fuck 'em.

They're talking about
bringing in the IRS.

The IRS? I don't know.

You wanted a winner,
didn't you?

Here's your chance.

Yeah, Billy, but...
But what?

What's the matter, George?

Your dick getting soft?

All right, Billy.
You win.

But you'd better have some
good ratings or your ass is
going out that window.

You still don't
understand, do you?

We're not just fighting
for ratings.

BILLY: We are fighting
a much greater enemy.

COMPUTER: (IN FEMALE VOICE)
PBT, PBT...

And you must fight
evil with evil.

BILLY: But do you realize...

(SCREAMING) Holy shit!
Did you see that?

BILLY: That more people...

Holy shit!
That is good TV!

BILLY: Will be watching
TV tonight...

COMPUTER: (IN FEMALE VOICE)
PBT... PBT...

BILLY: Than ever before...

COMPUTER: (IN FEMALE VOICE)
PBT...

I am his messenger.

BILLY: And tonight more
people will see His message.

BILLY: And this time,

I cannot lose!

COMPUTER: (IN FEMALE VOICE)
PBT, PBT, PBT...

BILLY: I'll never lose!

In one of the greatest
upsets of all time,

Public Broadcast Television
last night topped
all competition.

It has become the number
one network for the first
time in its history...

Hey, George! Who'd have
thunk it?

I'm gonna kill ya!
Where the hell are ya?

You better be praying!

You better be praying
that I don't find your ass!

I'm gonna kill ya!

Herbert here will act as
an interim head programmer

until a suitable
replacement is found.

Fired.
Gone.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Billy Patrick has been
a member of this family

for over 30 years.

Letting him go was
the hardest decision
I've ever made.

(LAUGHING)

Meanwhile, the ratings
victory of PBT

is definitely having
its effect on the
American public.

KING: Bookstores
are reporting record sales.

Art museum contributions
have increased
by over 500%.

Even pawn shops
are experiencing
peculiarities.

REPORTER: What do you
think of the cultural
phenomena?

I love it.

I think it's great!

REPORTER: Sir?
Hey, don't bother me.
I got no time.

Yeah, it's great!
I've been watching
public broadcasting for years.

REPORTER: Who's
your favorite?

Benny Hill.

If you look back to
as far as the '60s,

you see the various movements
that inspired this trend.

Watergate,
the Beatles' break-up,

Altamont.

And remember, Dylan did say,

"I ain't gonna work on
Maggie's farm no more."

To add icing on the cake,

PBT has been named
this year's recipient

of a Peabody Award,
for excellence in media.

And along with PBT,
the Fielding Corporation
for their

mother ship
ratings computer will
also be honored.

You know I think it's
the best thing that's
ever happened to this country.

I mean, I really do!

BOTH: Let's just hope some
jerk doesn't come along
and screw it up!

Okay, here we go!

Take a base, take a base!

STUART: Okay, back her up.
Back her up on that one.
Back her up!

Two men, two men
should back her up.

Here we go!
Half field.

Center field! Center field!

Center field! Center field!

It's okay.
It's a long season.

Hey! Didn't I see
you on TV?

My picture's been
in the paper, I guess.

(LAUGHING) Yeah!

God, that's
a beautiful animal! Hey!

What breed is that?

Uh, she comes from
a line of many champions.

(CHUCKLES)

Stuart!

Hi, honey!

Bye-bye!

Oops! Oops!
Oops!

Hey you know what?
Don't worry about it.
Go ahead! Let me get that.

No, no, no! Seriously!

I swear to God! Go ahead!
I'll pick it up for you!

You sure?
Yeah, yeah. It's really
good to meet you.

Okay, thanks!
Okay. Bye!

STUART: New home!

Come on, Phoebe, let's go!

That looks good.
What is that?

Hey, hey, hey!
I don't want your germs.

(CHUCKLES)

Wait a minute! Wait...

How come I can
stick my tongue
down your throat,

but I can't stick
my fork in your food?

Oh, that's different.
That's in a moment of passion.

The heat of your love
destroys the bacteria.

(SCOFFS) Oh! Is that so?

However,

if you would
like some hygienic action,

that can be arranged.

Ooh!

Hey!

Are you naked now?

Oh, yeah!

What would you do
to me if was there?

Diary time, boss.

They got a brother
up here late. But that's
all right, because...

I can use the phone.

I gotta cross reference
some of these diaries.

Ah, but you keep going ahead,
baby, you go ahead and jam.

Hmm!

All right.
So I'm naked,
you're naked now.

Now what about
your girlfriend?

She's there.

All right. Um...

Look, baby, we gotta
continue this later,
all right?

Yeah, you keep on playing
and daddy will be home soon.

No, no, I'm sure.

I'll pick up those batteries
on the way home, all right.

I gotta little something
to do here

I'm sure with that.

I'll talk to you later.
Bye!

ANNOUNCER: The cocktail
party for tonight's
Peabody Awards will begin...

Beautiful, yeah!
Congratulations!

Good one!

Sain, give 'em hell
at the Peabody Awards
tonight.

Thank you! Mi Peabody
es su Peabody!

Big night tonight,
huh, Mona?

Mr. Sain, there's a man
waiting in your office.

He wouldn't
give his name,

but said, he was
your "partner."

Should I get security?

Leon!
Partner!

How's it going, man?
What's up?

You know, your office is nice.
Your living, kinda,
kinda large, man!

Well, I have you to
thank for it, indirectly.

Interesting how things
turn out, huh?

You know, I never thought
I'd say this,

but between you and me,
it's great to be number one.

Yeah, well,
between you and me,

you ain't.

I don't get it.

You ain't number one.

What are you
talking about?

What do you think I'm
talking about, partner?
The ratings.

The ratings?
What's gotten into you?

(WHISPERING) Leon,
are you stoned?

I wish I was, partner.

I went over it
three times, man.
It came out the same.

Leon, make sense?
Look, I helped you out,
all right?

Now you gotta make sure
you help me out.

It's not my fault
the damn things are broken.

What is broken?

The boxes,
or the mother ship.

Either way, the
numbers are inaccurate.

No. How can that be?

Take a look for yourself.

Leon, you shouldn't
take your diaries off.

You can get into a lot
of trouble for this stuff.

I checked the diaries
to the bible, three times man!

The numbers are wrong!

My God! Your serious!

Now, you're the only
person who knows
about this, man.

I called in sick today,

I don't know how long
I can hold this out.

Now, listen, partner,
if they fire me, I'm going
to need a gig. all right.

You're a big man around here.
You're gonna hook me up.

Look, Leon, relax,
relax. Okay.

Nobody's going to fire you.

You just gotta sit tight.
You gotta give me
a little time here, okay?

Just, just give me
some time. I'll see
what I can do, okay?

All right.
All right.

Don't forget about me,
partner. Gotta get these back.

Hey, Leon.
Out of curiosity,

how has PBT done since
I joined them?

You dropped below
the Weather Channel.

Uh-huh.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Rachel?

RACHEL: Stuart?
I'm in the bathroom.

Oh, um, I just
needed a moment,

but if it's a bad time,
I can come back.

RACHEL: No, I'm just
trying something on.
I'll be right out.

Do me a favor?

When you speak tonight,

try not to mention anything
about my war protest
record, okay?

I'm not ashamed,
but it might be
embarrassing.

Rachel, I just
got some news.

Ta-da!

(GASPS)

What do you think?

Donna Karan designed
it for me herself?

You look lovely!

Number one! Yes!
Oh, can you believe this?

Oh, God! Well, I'm sure
it's just temporary.

You can be
sure of that.
I guess so.

(LAUGHING) Just take it
while you can.

You know, Rachel.
Hypothetically speaking,

what if the numbers
hadn't been there?

What a silly question.

No, seriously. Wouldn't you
have been just as pleased
with your accomplishments?

Of course not.

You wouldn't?
No!

It's... It's nice when
you think you know what
you're talking about.

But it is better
when everyone

thinks you know
what you're talking about.

Well, it seems that
everyone doesn't know
what anyone's talking about.

I don't follow.

It seems the numbers
are wrong.

I don't understand.
What numbers?

The rating numbers.
They're wrong.

We're not number one.
We never have been.

Are you sure?

Unfortunately.

How did you
find out about this?

My ex-colleague
at Fielding just told me.

Look, it's not public yet,

but I was thinking that
tonight might be a good
time to be forthcoming.

Tonight?

Yeah, I thought it'd
be a good way to
salvage public support.

Oh, no, no, no.
I wouldn't worry
about it tonight.

There's nothing we
can do about it.

I wouldn't even
bring it up.

Really?
Tonight's our victory.

Let's enjoy it.

But we're being honored
for something
we didn't achieve.

I'm not comfortable
with that.

Stuart, can you
help me unhook this?

I beg your pardon?

It's stuck. Do you mind?

I guess not.

You know it sounds silly,
but I swear

winning makes me
feel sexier.

Silly, isn't it?

Rachel, I think...
You know, Stuart,

from the first moment
I saw you,

I knew you had something.

Luck.

Who was it who said it,
"It's better to be lucky
than smart"?

They were talking about you.

But luck doesn't
last forever, does it?

I know that what we're
doing probably isn't
the perfect thing to do,

but we earned
this moment.

We don't want
to look like fools, do we?

With all due respect,
I think we're
making a mistake.

Ah! By the way,

(SIGHS)

I started the paperwork
on that documentary
about your wife's drug clinic.

And I think

I'll have no problem
passing it through.

Oh, I appreciate that, Rachel.
But about tonight...

Like I said, I think
I'll have no problem
passing it through.

I see.
Anything else?

No.

Well, then, you better
get a move on.
It's a big night tonight.

It's not everyone
who gets to pick up
a Peabody Award.

Right.

ANNOUNCER: And now
it's time to go live to
the Peabody Awards

with the entertainment
correspondent,
Linda Carlisle.

We're live at the annual
Peabody Awards dinner.

Among the recipients tonight
will be PBT,
and the Fielding Corporation

for their contribution
of the new mother ship
ratings computer.

LINDA: Dignitaries
are arriving...

REPORTER: George! Come on!
One minute.

Oh, come on, George.

LINDA: It's a hub of
activity here.

Everybody is very,
very excited.

Reporting here at
the Peabody Awards,
Linda Plunkett...

Linda Carlisle,
Plunkett News.

CARY: I am so excited.

I think this PBT special
is the best thing that has
ever happened to this clinic.

Thank God, for people
like Rachel.

Just reaffirms my
faith in humanity.

It is gonna do so much
good for so many people,
you have no idea.

Baby, what's the matter?
You don't look good.

No, I'm fine.

Oh, God!
You're dripping with sweat.

Really?
Oh!

Just nerves.
Just wanna get there.
Where are we?

Hey, driver, thanks for
making a right in Peru.

Stuart, what's going on?

Nothing.

Hey, I live with you,
remember.

Come on.
Something is wrong
and you're not telling me.

Now what is it?

What!

(SIGHS)

They're broken.
What's broken?

The Fielding boxes
are broken.

What do you mean broken?

Broken, as in
"They don't work right."

The numbers are wrong.

I don't understand.

What don't you understand?
The numbers are wrong.

Stuart, make sense.
I am making sense.

You mean you're not
number one?

We're below
the Weather Channel.

Did you tell Rachel?

Of course.
And what did
she say to do?

Nothing.

What do you mean nothing?

Nothing, as in nothing.

She doesn't think it's
a good time to bring it up.

(SIGHS) I'm shocked.

Although I shouldn't be.
I told you to
watch out for her.

Okay, we're here.

(REPORTERS TALKING
INDISTINCTLY)

Let's go!

So what are you
going to do?

What am I going to do?
Yeah. What are you
going to do?

I'm not going to
do anything.

What do you mean
you're not going
to do anything?

Which word don't you
understand? I'm not
going to do anything.

Stuart, the people
have got to know.

Know what?

The truth.
You've got to tell
them the truth.

Like hell I do!

CARY: Stuart!

You want me to go up there
and tell the world that
PBT is not number one,

and that this whole
cultural revolution,

which, incidentally,
is only the best thing

that's ever happened
to this country, is invalid?

Not a chance.

CARY: Stuart.

I have no intention of
bursting this bubble

and then watch America
kick me in the ass for it.

It is your
moral responsibility!

Have you forgotten the warm
response I got for my
last moral responsibility?

Do you remember
the softball controversy?

Or would you like to see
the spot where they
shoved the bat?

That was different.
You bet it was.

That was only nine people.
We're talking about
250 million.

That's a lot of bat.

Now, I'd love to chat
about this further,

but unfortunately,
I have got to go collect
a Peabody Award.

(REPORTERS CHATTERING)

REPORTER 1: Who's that?
REPORTER 2: Oh, that's,
that's Stuart Sain!

ALL: Stuart, Stuart...

Congratulations!
Oh, thank you
very much!

Stan Nussbaum!

You've got to
say something.
You know what I think?

I think you're jealous.

What?
I think you're jealous

because I'm getting
a Peabody Award,
and you're not.

(SIGHS) That is the most
ridiculous thing
you've ever said.

Is it? Tell me,
how many Peabody Awards
do you have?

CARY: Am I hearing this?

Have you lost
your mind entirely?

STUART: Look, tonight
is our victory.
Let's enjoy it.

Stuart this goes against
everything you've stood for.

Okay, curiously,
just for one moment,

let's say the public
never finds out.
What would be so terrible?

I can't believe
I'm hearing this.
What? Why?

Where is it written
that everybody's has
to know everything?

The Pentagon doesn't
reveal their sources,
do they? No!

Did you know
when your parents
made love?

No!
What are you
babbling about?

Where the hell
is this place?
Stuart!

Look, for the first
time in my life
I've caught a break.

Let's not blow it.

I mean, nobody's been
hurt, right?

Everybody's happy.

I'm happy.

Stuart, you can't just
think about yourself.

Okay, fine,
let's talk about you.

What about me?
You want your clinic to
say open, don't you?

Whoa, wait! What's that
got to do with anything?

Rachel made it very clear
that if I said anything,

she's gonna pull out
of your fundraiser.

She did?
She sure did!

(SIGHS)

Oh. Well that's different.

Let's go.
Fine!

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
Thank you!

Thank you!

Ladies and gentlemen,
I humbly accept
this award from my peers.

The people who have
made it a point

of making the media
a better and more
responsible place.

RACHEL: The people
who bring us the truth.

No matter how
much it hurts.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

With that phony smile
of yours, you look
more Asian than I do.

Thank you, dear.

What we have accomplished
is not as important

as what we all
have accomplished.

And I'm proud that tonight
my fellow recipient

is none other than
the Fielding Corporation,

and their mother
ship computer.

The most accurate data
gathering service ever...

You know, when I was
appointed head of PBT...

"Life is like film."

"It only develops
if you give it
your best shot!"

God, I don't know
if I can go through
with this.

I know it's tough.
Let's try.

Oh, and now,
ladies and gentlemen,

it is my great pleasure
and privilege

to introduce you to a man,
who gets up in the morning
full of integrity...

Stuart, how can
you do this?

It's easy.
Take deep breaths.

I can't live a lie.

Sure you can.
You lied about the cost
of those shoes, didn't you?

A hundred and fifty
dollars, please!

And my right arm.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Stuart Sain.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

All the best!

I am very happy
and very proud to accept
this Peabody Award.

(SCOFFS)

First of all, I want to
thank Rachel Rowen,

who gave me my chance,

and whose leadership
sets the tone

for the standard
that PBT sets.

And finally, I wanna
thank my wife, Cary.

I don't know what
I'd do without you.

Keep lying
and you'll find out.

Life is like film,

it only develops if you
give it your best shot.

Well, at PBT, I believe
we gave it our best shot.

It's not the truth
and you know it.

It is your
moral responsibility.

To get along,
you go along.

Jeez, it's not as if we
killed innocent people
or anything. Give me break.

We're not interested in
who's hot and who's not.

Everybody wants
to be number one!

What happened to
character?

What happened to integrity?

I mean, look
who's talking about
integrity and character.

What the hell
is he talking about?

So, what am I
supposed to do?

I mean, this is why
I'm in this situation,
you know?

You're damned if you do.
You're damned if you don't.

What the hell is
he talking about?

See I think
the problem is the fact

that we put too much
emphasis on winning.

Right here.
Now that makes sense.
You see, that makes sense!

What the fuck is he
talking about?

Stuart, you're mumbling.

Thank you!
Stuart, go ahead
and say it.

Thank you, thank you
very much.

Is this guy
a fruitcake or what?

Go ahead. You know
you want to.

Hey, darling, do I
heckle you at your job?

He's a fruitcake.

Stuart, yeah, be smart.

What's going on?

Rachel, I mean, we didn't
do anything wrong.

It's not our fault.

I mean, if you really think
about it, the mistake
was bound to happen

sooner or later.
Excuse me.

What mistake was
bound to happen
sooner or later?

I beg your pardon?
You just said a mistake

was bound to happen
sooner or later.

I did?
Yeah, you did.

Oh, no. What I meant to say

is that we've got
to start rely on
our own instincts

rather than these
machines.

That way we wouldn't
have to worry about the
accuracy of these ratings.

What about the ratings?

Who said anything
about the ratings?

You just questioned
the accuracy of the ratings.

I Did?
Yeah, you did.

Well...

Personally, I think
accuracy can be
very overrated.

Wait a minute.

Is there something wrong
with the ratings?

It depends how you
define the word "wrong."

Stuart!

Are you saying
the boxes are broken?

Broken is
a really strong word.

Besides, it might not
even be the boxes.

It might be the mother ship.
Right, Leon?

(COUGHS) Partner!

I mean, the important thing
is so what if PBT
is not number one!

The important
thing is we tried.

We tried to do
something special.

Are you admitting that
PBT is not number one?

(CHUCKLES)

Yes!

(AUDIENCE GASPS)

The boxes are broken.

The numbers are wrong.

We are not nor
have we ever been
number one.

(ALL CLAMORING)

(CHEERING)

Whoa! Feel this, baby!

I'm going to vomit.

Stuart!

Oh, my God! If you knew
something was wrong,
why didn't you come to me?

(SCOFFS)

Let's get out here.

Well, I did it.

I love you.

You're smart.
(CHUCKLES)

Come here.

(BOTH TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

Get this box
out of here, please.

Get it out.
It's all gone!

The renovations
look fabulous.

Yeah, we're putting
the house on the market
next week.

Molly? Molly, they're
taking my damn box.

Molly, get me a beer.

Get it yourself,
you big fat fuck.

Molly?

Molly?
Molly!

Yes!

That's okay, Mr. Conrad.
Thanks a lot.
Thank you very much.

Okay, not a problem.

What are you doing
with my box?

Oh, honey! All the boxes
are being recalled.
No, they're not!

No, you put it back.
That's my box.

Oh, Mr. Boone...
That's my box.
You put that back!

(SCREAMING) You put my
box back!

(SCREAMING) I want my box!
I want my box!

Well, are we going
to do something

or are we just
going to sit here
and beat off.

Um...

Sir, you don't understand.
We have no numbers.

So?

So, we have no numbers.

I've got a season
starting in six weeks.

I need product now!

Yes, sir.

You.

You're in charge now.
What the hell are we
going to do?

First of all, I want to
thank you for sponsoring
my wife's clinic.

It shows a sense
of civic responsibility,

and both she and I
appreciate it.

Now, as for
the issue at hand,

let me ask you
a question.

Do you guys have
a softball team?