On the Buses (1971) - full transcript

- Hello, darling.
- Hello. Is it all right?

No, up a bit.

Oh that's lovely, that is.
That's a handsome.

Come on. Come on, you two.
You were due out two minutes ago.

What's the holdup then?

Oh. Oh, I might have known it.
Now here we go again.

Oh you two lecherous layabouts, honestly.

Come on. Get in there
and get that bus out. Come on. Come on.

It won't be cold, will it?

How can I run a bus service
with you two sniffing half the clippies?

You're like a couple of sex maniacs,
you are.



What's the matter, jealous?

Baa!

I had a dog like yous two.

I had to take him to the vets.

Hard luck, Blakey.
They must have done the wrong one.

Not that you'd notice.

Oh. I can't adjust my ticket machine.
Can you give me a hand?

Yes, not half.

Oh blimey, I can see your trouble.
It stands out a mile.

Here, look darling,
what you want to do is twist it round…

Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. This one.

- No. See, this is the one…
- No. No it comes out here.

No, it's here.

Stop!



What do you think you're doing, love?

Cor…

Now then, miss,
what seems to be the trouble?

Perhaps I can be of some assistance at all?

Oh, it's me ticket machine, Inspector.
It's all loose and dangling.

- Oh.
- Can you adjust me straps?

Yes, certainly, it's…

It's your diagonals all slack,
see that, look.

Oh!

Watch it, Blakey.
If you undo the wrong straps

the ticket machine won't be the only thing
that's loose and dangling.

Twit!

Oh! That's very tight, Inspector.

Oh blimey, that's no good.

I mean the way she's built
when she looks down,

she won't be able to see her little handle.

Well that's ridiculous.
I can see it from here.

That's 'cause you're looking down
the crack in the middle.

Will you get in that cab and get out?

Will you get out!

All right. All right. Come on, Jack.

I've had just enough
of the you two, I'll tell ya.

If I have any more trouble, I'll get the
General Manager to sack the pair of yous!

Ha! The management'll love you.

Blimey, they can't get bus crews
for love nor money. You sack us?

♪ Oh it's a great life on the buses ♪

♪ There's nothing like it, you'll agree ♪

♪ Just take a ride up on the buses ♪

♪ Because there's plenty you can see ♪

Full up!

♪ Oh, it's a great life on the buses ♪

♪ There is no better place to meet ♪

Jump on, Mum!

♪ So why not take a look around you ♪

♪ No need to leave your seat ♪

Arthur!

♪ Oh, it's a great life on the buses ♪

♪ No matter what the time of day ♪

Olive!

♪ You'll see the world all on the buses ♪

♪ We're on our way ♪

♪ There's so much feeling on the buses ♪

♪ As people fumble for their fare ♪

♪ It always happens in the crushes ♪

♪ They take their chances ♪

♪ When it's there ♪

♪ It's so exciting on the buses ♪

♪ When someone's fumbling close to you ♪

♪ But when the traffic jam's in rushes ♪

♪ There's little else to do ♪

♪ There's always gay life on the buses ♪

♪ Make sure you leave your bird at home ♪

♪ You'll see so many on the buses ♪

- ♪ You won't be sitting on your own ♪
- Cor!

♪ It's so romantic on the buses ♪

♪ You'll find it thrilling when you ride ♪

♪ And you can get it on the buses ♪

♪ Upstairs or down inside ♪

♪ Oh, it's a great life on the buses ♪

♪ No matter what the time of day ♪

♪ You'll see the world all on the buses ♪

♪ We're on our way ♪

There you are darling.
Go with your bits and pieces.

- There you go.
- Thank you, Jack.

No, no, mate, no, that's all right.

There you are. Take these.
They've only been used once.

See you, mate.

How about that, eh?

I got you here nice and early this morning.

Yeah, not half, marvelous. Thanks, mate.

Well, I'm gonna have some breakfast, mate.

- Here…
- What?

I think I'm gonna have my breakfast in bed.

Looks as though she's keeping it
warm for you and all.

Phwoar!

- Come on darling.
- All right.

Oh blimey. You can't wait for it, can you?

Cor!

Here, Betty love.
How much longer have I got?

You got another five minutes.

Five minutes? Cor blimey,
we must have had a quick trip.

We're ahead of schedule. Come on.

Cor blimey, the next bus is here!
The flippin' inspector's on it.

I thought you said
I got another five minutes.

Look, 9:57.

You stup… That's the service you get
on Saturdays and Bank Holidays.

Where's me clobber?
I'll get the chop for this.

Cor… Old Blakey… Women…

Hey!

Hey!

Well, don't hurry yourself, will ya?

Hello Blakey.

Where's your conductor?

Um… Um… Oh yes, Jack, um, well,
as a matter of fact, he's um…

Oh, here he comes now.

Well, what's he been doing
in that house then?

Well, he's, er… He's been ans­wering
the call of nature.

Call?

Do you mean to say that
he's been using that lady's facilities?

Well, you could say that.

Good morning, Blakey.

- Get that bus out.
- Eh?

Get the bus out. Go on, get it out.

- Well, go on, then.
- You're the driver.

Get it out!

Come on mate, let's go and get some grub.

Hang on a minute, uh…
That's my little Suzy over there.

Oh, very tasty, mate. 'Ere, Is that
the bird you took out last night?

Yeah. A right little raver, mate.

Yeah. I'll bet you was out late.

Late? I didn't get in till gone 11:00.

Eleven?

The Wimpy Bar don't close till then,
you know.

You little devil.

She's coming over here now.
I'm going to ask her out again.

Eh, Suzy, love. How about
coming out with me again tonight?

Eh? You must be joking.

'Ere, what did you do to her last night?

Nothing.

That accounts for it.
Come on, let's get some grub.

You got to get some pleasure out of life.

Cold food.

Look, it's no use blaming me, is it?

Well, it's a disgrace. And no chips.

- 'Ere, look at this Stan.
- What?

Oh, here we go.

'Ere, Jack. Cop that, mate, look.

What's that? "Kitchen closed, no hot…"

Oh blimey, that's it then, ain't it?

I mean, we're not standing for that.

Look, it's a staff shortage, ain't it?
We can't get the cooks.

Same as the bus crews.
We can't get any staff these days.

That is no concern of ours, mate.

As shop steward, I'm here to tell you
that we are entitled to an hot meal.

- Am I right?
- Right.

That is a union agreement, mate.

Come on, Stan.
We're going home for our lunch.

What?

You're not going home, mate.

You're due out in another hour.

If you're not back here on time,
you'll get the sack, the pair of ya.

No mate. Them days is over.

Can't you get it into your little head?
There's a staff shortage.

- Come on, mate.
- Ooh I hate, you two.

I've had just about enough
of you two, I tell ya.

You're exploiting the staff shortage,
ain't you?

Yeah. You won't always get your own way,
you mark my words.

It won't be long, love.

Well, come on, Mum. I'm in a hurry.

Well, I didn't know
you was coming home, did I?

Good job I've got
some Cornish pasties in the oven,

otherwise there would­n't have been enough.

Well, come on, let's have it!

All right, here you are.

'Ere. Mum makes a smashing Cornish pasty.

Mum didn't make those. I did.

Olive! It's arrived!

What's arrived?

Me new washing machine.

Where do you want it, love?

- Just about there.
- All right.

- To you. To you.
- Right.

There you are, love. Sign here, please.

Innit lovely?
Mum and me bought it this morning.

Thanks.

Look Mum, this is absolutely ridiculous.
We've got enough on the HP already.

No. I'm sorry.
That thing'll have to go back.

Oh, love!

Look, we're paying on the telly,
the fridge, the vacuum cleaner.

Well, I can't afford to give you any more.

I haven't finished pay­ing off
for my new bed yet.

You don't pay as it is. I pay all the HP.

Oh, love, we can afford it.

You do get a nice lot
of overtime these days.

I know that's only because
we don't get any bus crews.

I still don't see
why he can't pay his whack.

Because I happen to be a married man, mate.

I have to keep your sister.

Anyway, at my job I hardly get any over
time. I only do it about once a year.

You only ever do anything
about once a year.

What do you expect
when your bed's on the never never?

Oh, Stan!

That's ridiculous. What a stupid mad idea.

The Union'll do something about this.

Here, lads. Have a look at the notice
that Blakey's put on the board.

Come on, Butler. It's all about yous two.

- What's it about then?
- 'Ere you are.

Hang about. I'll have a butcher's.

"In view of the shortage of bus drivers,

the company have decided
to employ women drivers."

Women drivers?

Yeah, it's a diabolical liberty.

No, it's a joke. Innit, Blakey?

The management
have already agreed to it, mate.

It was all my idea, actually.

Women? Women bus drivers?
Go… Come off it, Blakey.

You'll never be able to cope with them.

Men or women, mate,
they're all the same to me.

Yeah, we noticed that.

I always thought you was a bit kinky.

Dah, that's ridiculous.

I mean, it'll be the same
as the clippies, won't it?

I mean, what happens? You train 'em,

then in a few months, they leave,
get married and have babies.

Yeah, but not always in that order.

Blakey, it'll never work, mate.

We've taken some on already.

No more shortage of bus drivers, eh?

No more liberty taking.

You can get that badge on
the right way round for a start and all.

Didn't I warn yous eh? I warned you.
You couldn't say I didn't warn you.

Yeah.
'Ere, Stan, do you want a cup of tea?

No. No. I don't think so, Jack.

Eh?

I think we'd
better get this bus out on time.

Oh god.

Made my day that has.

Right.

- Hey, Jack, wait a minute.
- Mm?

I was thinking last night
about what old Blakey said.

When we get them women bus drivers,
will it affect my overtime?

Oh yeah. Probably will.
Mind you, I'll be all right.

I mean, it won't affect me.

Blimey, talk about pull up the ladder.

I'll tell you something, mate.

No woman bus driver's gonna
get you to the turn around point

early
so you can have it off with your bird.

Oh, blimey, yeah.

Hm. Didn't think about that, did ya?

'Ere, look, we're not standing for that.
I'm gonna take that up with the Union.

Besides,
I couldn't manage on my basic wage.

Ah, what are you worried about? It's not
going to happen for ages yet, is it?

I mean, it's gonna take months to teach
them women to drive them buses.

Yeah, 'course it is.

- Oh, Butler!
- What?

You won't be doing
your extra late shift anymore.

Why not?

My first two women
drivers have turned up. Look.

Blimey.
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.

Yes, you can be sarcastic, mate.

They'll be able to do your job properly,

and they won't waste time
trying to pick up the clippies, either.

By the look of them, I'm not so sure.

- Inspector.
- Yes, lovey?

I've got a complaint.

Oh.

I refuse to drive this bus,
unless you have the windscreen cleaned.

Eh?

You want to watch it.
You could be replaced by a woman.

Fancy you being replaced by a woman.

Oh belt up. It's a diabolical liberty.

Yes, well, personally,
I'm in favor of anything

that will give us a better bus service.

Look, it hasn't sunk into you yet, has it?

I tell you something, mate,

you better start getting
your football pools up,

because I'm going to end up
losing all my overtime.

We'll have to cut down.

That washing machine'll have to go
for a start.

Oh, no, Stan. I mean this saves Olive
all the work on washday.

Yes. It makes all the difference.
I'm not worn out when I go to bed now.

Can't say I've noticed.

- Here you are, love. Here's your supper.
- Thanks, Mum.

Mar­velous, innit, eh?

They can find women to drive our buses,
can't even find a woman for the canteen.

Well, cooks should be easy to find.

'Course they are.
Blimey, any fool can do that.

Yeah.

Olive.

- Olive!
- Eh?

Wake up.

But Arthur, it's only three o'clock.

Yeah, I know.

Oh. Shall I take my curlers out?

No. I want to talk to you.

Oh. All right.

I've been thinking.

If your brother's going
to bring home less money,

I can't afford
to take on the payments on that machine.

So, I think you ought to put in for
that job in the bus company's canteen.

- What, me?
- Yeah.

Well, I don't see why you shouldn't go out
to work in… In view of the circumstances.

Well, I'd do anything you say, Arthur.
You know that.

And we could do with the extra money.

Yeah, but don't get over excited.

I mean, even if you do get the job,

I doubt if you'll hold it down
for longer than a day. You never have.

But Arthur, I must be good at some­thing.

I can't think what.

But, Blakey, why not?

No, no, no, Butler. I do not think
your sister would be suitable.

We need an experienced cook for this job.

But we haven't had
a proper canteen for weeks.

Look, she can do it.

No, no, no, the food
in that machine's quite all right.

Phwoar.

Er, tell you what, Butler.
Uh… I might give her a trial, yeah.

Yeah?

Yes, I'll have a word
with the General Manager about it.

Oh thanks, Blakey. You won't regret it.
She's a marvelous cook.

Cor blimey!

Don't you like my stew, Stan?

I tell you one thing, love.
With you cooking in the canteen,

I reckon I'll get some
of the over­time back I lost.

How's that, love? Is the inspector
going to be pleased with ya?

No. Half the bus crews
will be off with food poisoning.

Oh, Stan.

Don't be such a pig.

Anyway, if it makes them ill,
it'll make you ill too.

Not me, love,
I've been eating your grub for years.

'Ere.

- What?
- It's like snake charmers.

After they've been bitten a few times,
they become immune.

'Ere, don't forget what the inspector said.

You've got to be there
at six o'clock tomorrow morning

to make tea for the early shift.

Six in the morning?

Oh Arthur,
it's hardly worth me going to bed.

How right you are.

Now come on!

How much longer have we got to wait?
We want our grub!

What's going on in there?
Ain't it marvelous, eh?

- What's all this about then?
- I don't know.

Stan, what is your sister doing in there?
We want our lunch.

Well blimey, it is her first day.
Give her a chance.

Well, sort it out, will you?

All right then.
All right then. All right.

Olive darling, open up. It's me, Stan!

Oh Stan, come and help me.
Everything's going wrong!

Blimey, help you? Where are you?

'Ere! Here!

Oh go on, come on, let's help her, Jack.

- Get out…
- Come on, guys, out of the way.

God, you're in a hell of a mess.

What's happened and why are you so behind?

You didn't tell me
this was an electric stove.

Well, what's that got to do with it?

I spent 20 minutes trying to light it.

Oh god!

It takes so long to get hot.

I wanted to fry the fish
but I couldn't get the fat hot enough.

Of course not, you stupid nit!

You've switched the wrong knob on!

That's the one you switched on.
It's wrong!

That's the one you should have switched on!

Not…

Cor blimey!

Oh, no wonder it hasn't melted the fat.

No, but it's melted the saucepan,
ain't it? Look!

Oh, shut up.

Couldn't you see?

No. My glasses keep getting steamed up.

Blimey! What have you got in the oven?

Oh, the joint must be done.

Blimey!

Oh! Now the potatoes are boiling over!

Oh, leave 'em. They'll put the joint out.

Why don't you shut your face?

I can't see. Is it done?

Is it done? Blimey, it's cremated!

What the… What's going on in here?

None of these men have had their lunches
yet. You know that, don't ya?

You know I can't get them buses out.

Oh, everything's under control, Blakey.

It's just that um… My sister…
Olive's not used to the stove.

- No.
- Eh?

Is the fat hot enough for the fish?

No, not yet.

We'll put it on the fast ring, you know,
the one where the other saucepan was.

But it's got
bits of saucepan still stuck on it.

Use your loaf, darling. Just scrape
them off, there's nothing to it. Look.

Just get rid of them.
I'll just take this out to the side.

No! Stop that!
What do you think you're doing?

Just a minute. Go out of it.

Leave it to someone
who understands these things, will ya?

Poking it like that, it could be dangerous.

You do it exactly like this….

Ahh!

I think he's blown a fuse.

I think he's blown his gaskets and all.

Where is Olive?

She's late coming home
from that can­teen. It's past 10:00.

I'm going to bed.

Look, mate. You want to think
yourself lucky she's held the job down.

I was six pounds light
in my wage packet this week

because of them women bus drivers.

Yes. If Olive wasn't working,
I don't know how we'd manage.

Ah, there she is now.

- Hello.
- Hello, love.

Where have you been?
You're later than usual.

It's Friday night, love. I had
to stay behind and clean out the canteen.

But I've got my pay packet. Look.

My first week's money.
Canteen cook, £12.80.

That's not bad for unskilled labor.

No that's… That's very good, sunshine.

Uh… Show it to me.
I'll just, check the deductions.

Is it much?

She's just about to have
the biggest deduction of the lot.

Oh!

I'll thank you to mind your own business.

I'll… I'll check it later.

Ah, I think my little Olive's very clever.

Are you pleased with me, Arthur?

Yes it's… It's very good.

Aw.

Yes, all right, all right.

Oh. Well I think
I'll have an early night then.

Oh, well… I think I'm ready for bed.

Oh, are you sweetheart? Come on then.

- Oh, uh… Arthur.
- Yep.

Don't forget your operation.

Will you shut up?

Come on, sweetie pie.

Oh, and another thing. We need
her money. We don't want her in the club.

C'mon then.

There you go, love. C'mon then.

Oh, thank you, Jack.

There you are, that's it down there.

- Oh, thank you, Jack. Goodbye.
- All right. All the best. Ta-ta.

Hey, Jack. Arthur thinks she's going
to get her pills on the National Health.

Blimey no.

Not unless you're under 15 or over 65.

Cor blimey. Trust the government, eh?

One way it's illegal,
the other way it's im­possible.

- Evening, Mum.
- Hello, love. Supper won't be long.

Evening, Olive. How did you get on
at that Family Planning place?

All right.

'Ere. I bet you found out
a few things you didn't know about, eh?

Yes, she did.

She found out she was pregnant.

What?

No, you're kidding.

What, you and him?
No, it can't be.

Yes, it's true, love.

Here, I'm going to be a granny
and you're going to be an uncle.

Is that a fact?

Hey that's good, innit? Me an uncle, yeah?

Hey, wait a minute. That means
she'll be off of work for nine months.

Five months.
She's four months gawn already.

How do you make that out?

Well, you know Olive.
She never could count.

Well, she got a little bit confused, love.

Yeah, well, with her shape,
you'd never notice.

I've worked it all out, mate.
It's your fault.

My fault?
What the hell's it got to do with me?

It was that Saturday night
you blew the telly up.

Look, the plug came adrift
and I just put the wires back in.

It was you who made the wrong connection.

Blimey, you should talk!

I shall have to give up
working in the canteen.

Oh well, that's it, then, innit?

Eh?

Well, with her wages gone,
I can't keep up all the payments.

The new washing machine'll have to
go back for a start,

and half that other stuff we got on the HP.

Oh…

Oh, well,
it'll be worth it to have a little one.

Will it?

The doctor warned me
that I mustn't do anything strenuous.

Oh, and Arthur…

He said I was to tell my husband that he
might have to do without a few of his…

little pleasures.

Oh, no. Whatever happens,
I'm not giving up my telly.

Hey!

You stupid nit. I can't get out!

Can't you? Try driving the bus sideways.

I'll get you for this!

I'll have you.

I like your pink knickers.

Right pair of passion killers.

That bonnet's hot.

Whatever's going on here?

That swine trapped me in my cab.

Did he?

Come on, girls.
Let's sort this little boy out.

Yeah.

He's the one what done it.

- Right. Come on all of you.
- Wait a minute, girls. Now look.

Now wait a minute. Now… Don't…

How about this then?

And again!

What's the matter? Got the wind up?

Oh… Oh! Ooh…

- Cor give us strength… Get that thing out!
- Oh, I'm sorry.

- Oh blimey, you've done it again.
- All right.

Don't know what you're worried about.
It's only blown away a few cobwebs.

Oh!
Let's hope that's all it has blown away.

Ohh!

Ooh! Talk about make your eyes water!

Ooh!

Shall I give you a hand
with that washing, Mum?

No, love. I can manage.
You mustn't tire your­self.

You've only got a couple of months to go.

My little Olive's such a delicate child.

My god.

Stan!

Look. What do you want? I got to go.

Oh, take this washing
down to the launderette for me.

Now the washing machine's gone,
I can't manage.

Well, can't Olive do it?

Oh no, not in her condition. All this lot?

You can't expect her
to carry a double load.

Mm. Let's hope
she's not already carrying a double load.

That is not very funny.

Well, I might have twins.

Not from Arthur, Olive. He's too mean!

Oh, it's no joking matter.
It's a very trying time for a man.

You want to save your sarcasm
for those women drivers at your depot.

You want to do something about them, mate.

I mean, every week that goes by,
you're gett­ing less and less overtime.

Yes and every week that goes by, you're
getting less and less of everything.

Will you shut up?

Not that you were ever
fully employed in that direction.

Blimey mate, where the hell have you been?

I thought you wanted to leave early so
we could drop that washing off of yours.

- Sit down, sit down there, quick.
- What's the matter?

We've got a new cook in the canteen.

Cor and about time an' all. It's been
over three weeks since Olive left.

She's Irish.

Is she?
I wonder if she can make a decent stew.

I don't know. But there's nothing wrong
with her dumplings.

See what you mean!

Hey, she's been giving me
the old green light.

Has she now? Well, we'll soon check up
on that. Give her the old squeeze test.

On no, I can't do that, Jack.
I've only just met her.

Look, mate, now's your big chance.
Get in quick.

- Go on, call her over.
- Yeah, all right, why not.

- Er, Bridget, love.
- Yes.

Oh blimey, I'm sorry about that.
Look at that. I've spilt the tea darlin'.

Oh, jeez, clumsy devils you are.

Yeah, well, excuse me. I'm due out now.

Ooh!

- It's wedged, I am.
- Yes. So am I.

You cheeky devils.

Ooh, somebody must have been
talking about me. Me ears are burning.

Cor blimey, what a lovely bit
of Irish countryside, eh?

You got lost in the Moun­tains of Mourne.

I didn't get lost in the mountains, mate.
I got trapped in the valley.

You're well in there. Here, come on,
look, we're late. Get your laundry.

Yeah, all right then, mate.

Come on then, get on.
A little walk won't do you no harm.

Cor blimey, passengers!

That's all right.

- The woman said she'd pop it in for me.
- Yeah.

We can pick it up on the way back.

Look, she's waiting for me,
the little darlin'.

'Ere, how do you know
her old man ain't there?

Oh, she's put out
the all clear signal, see.

Oh, that's good, innit?

Good? Blimey mate, it's better than
you think. She's only got three pairs.

Here, hang on to me clobber, will you?

I don't want to go in there
with my equipment.

There's not much point
in going in there without it!

Ah! What's the matter?
Jealous, eh?

Oy! Don't be too long, otherwise you won't
have the stren­gth

to turn your little handle!

Oh!

Got you! I've got you, ain't I?

Oh! Oh hello, Blakey.

Now then. Now then, what you up to, eh?

Oh yeah, eh… Uh… I just popped in there
to pick up me washing.

Your washing?

This is a bus you're supposed
to be driving, not a family runabout!

How dare you leave your passengers
waiting here while your y-fronts

are twirling round in the spin dryer?

- Yeah, well…
- Right.

- I'll take that.
- That's mine…

Come 'ere.
I'm keeping that for evidence, mate.

You're going up to see the General Manager.

Oh now, come on, Blakey, hang about.

That's him!

He stole my washing!

Eh?

You dirty minded filthy swine.

- Give it back!
- Oh, no!

What the hell's going on here?

You must have picked up the wrong bag.

Oh blimey, yeah.
'Ere, I'd better go and sort it out.

No, no, leave it. I'm enjoying this.

Yeah, you're right. Yeah.

No…

What's all this about then?

Give me… Back… My… Washing!

Oh, come on, come on.
What is all this about?

He pinched my laundry.

- No.
- These are mine.

Oh! He must be a knicker snatcher.

Knicker snatcher?

Yeah. Yeah, they all look like him.

Yeah. I reckon I've seen his picture
in the Sunday paper.

Are these yours?

Oh. Not exactly. I was… No, they're…

My driver's, actually.
I… Just took them off him.

Is that right?

- What?
- Are these yours?

No. No, I can truthfully say, officer,
I've never seen those before in my life.

Well, he, he doesn't do this
sort of thing very often, does he, Stan?

No… Mind you,
he always wears that long black mac.

Yes. And what's he got on underneath it.

- I should like to know.
- No.

Frilly pants
and a black suspender belt, I bet.

Stop it, mate.
He… He's just mucking about, officer.

Now tell him
you're mucking about now, come on.

I don't know what you're talk­ing about,
honestly I don't, darling.

Eh?

'Ere, I tell you one thing, Blakey.

Oh god.
This has made my day.

'Ere no, Jack,
I'd better get him out of trouble.

No, leave it. Let him stew.

Hey, we can pick your washing up
on the next trip.

All right then.

I know your inspector, actually.

See you in court, darling.

Cor blimey, Jack,
look at them women bus drivers.

You wouldn't think women could eat so much.

What makes you so certain they're women?

Eh?

Well, I mean they're like
them Russian athletes, ain't they?

I mean technically they're women,

but when you go into it,
it's quite different.

I can believe that.

I tell you one thing though.
There's no doubt about this one.

Hello, darlin'.
What have you got for me today?

Do you see anything you fancy?

Not half. But I'd better eat first.

Oh it's a sinner you are,
bringing temp­tation my way.

Well, you'll have my steak
and kidney pie and like this.

Here, er… How about meeting me afterwards

and giving me a bit of your roly-poly?

Oh, it's the devil himself, you are.

If I hadn't got my hands full,
I'd have to cross myself again.

Well, don't worry, darling.­
I'll do it for you.

Keep your hands away, you sex mad heathen!

How do you guess?

You'll have some
of my treacle pudding then.

Thanks, darlin'.

You lucky devil.
You're well in there, mate.

'Ere, why don't you take her out?

You must be joking, mate. Since this lot
started 'ere, I'm dead skint.

Oh, that's all right.
Take her round to your house.

Your family goes to bed early.

Get her on the sofa in the front room
there and, Bob's your uncle.

Yeah… No.

Every time I try anything,
she crosses herself.

Don't worry. When the time comes,
she'll un­cross herself.

Do you reckon so?

Look, if she's as generous with the rest

as she is with her treacle pudding,
you're well in, mate.

Oh Holy Mary.
I'd have to go to confession tomorrow.

Yeah?
Well, let's make your journey worthwhile.

Oh, there's something sticking in me.

- Is there?
- Well…

- Well, what is it?
- Well, I don't know. What… Oh…

Ah, it's all right. It's Olive's knitting.

She's knitting 'cause she's gonna have a…

Well, she's knitting.

Come on.

Arthur…

Arthur, wake up.

What is it?

Arthur, I've got a craving.

You…

What, in your condition? Go back to sleep.

No, no, love. For pickled onions.

It's always like that
when you're expecting. Put the light on.

Good.

Can't you ever stop eating?

Look at ya! You must've put on
a couple of pounds since last night.

Oh no, love. That's my hot water bottle.

Oh, put those away!

Oh, now you've dropped it in the bed!

Eh? You clumsy great lump.

Oh, it's all right. I'll find it.

That is not it!
That is the knot in my pajama cord.

Oh, it's all right. I've got it.

I'm all on edge now. I don't think
I'll be able to get to sleep.

Well, go down and get your knitting.

Oh. All right, then.

Oh, I shouldn't be doing this.
Oh, you're the devil himself.

You shouldn't be kissing me like this.

- Shouldn't I?
- No.

- Oh…
- Oh, but don't stop now.

Oh. Oh, I'm sorry, Stan.
I… I didn't know you were here.

I, I, I came to get my knitting.

There's your knitting.

Uh… How do you do? Good night.

Good night!

A pregnant woman! It's a message.

- Eh?
- It's the Lord warning me.

She was a messenger come down from Heaven.

What are you talking about? That was
my sister come down from upstairs.

It was a warning. And thank God
it came in time to save the pair of us.

- Now Bridget, don't be daft.
- No, no. Don't touch me. Don't touch me.

Keep Satan away. I'd see meself out.

Bridget, this is stupid!

It's always the same.

Have you been seeing anything
of Bridget lately?

No. It's been three weeks now.

Since she saw Olive out here,
she don't want to know.

'Ere, talking of that,
get a move on, will ya?

My little Betty's waiting for me
at the turn round point.

You and your turn around Betty.

Oy! Oy!

Hang about, you two.

- I'm switching you around.
- What?

Harry's going with you to the Town's End.

Well what about me, then?

I'm putting you on
the number 20 to the Gasworks.

I don't want to go to the Gasworks.

You'll go where you're told, mate.
I'm putt­ing you with Ruby over there.

Me with 'er?

I know our drivers are normally in charge.

But for the next three days,
I'm putting her under you.

You what?

I want you to give her the benefit
of your experience.

Never in a million years.

You know what I mean.

Here. Where's your PSV badge?

You know the regulations!
That must be worn at all times.

Yeah. Well, uh… I lost it, but… Er,
I know where I can find it.

Well, have it tomorrow morning
or I'll fine ya.

Take that silly grin off your face
and get that bus out, will ya?

That's fixed you
with your turn around Betty, ain't it?

- 'Ere, by the way.
- What do you want?

That's where I lost it.
Nip in and get it for me, will ya?

You sure you left it there?

Yeah.
I must have dropped it in her bedroom.

Wasn't the only thing
that was dropped there.

Here, uh… I've just got a call to make.
I won't be long.

Okay, Stan.

Oh, hello. Where's Jack?

Oh, he's been put on another route.

- Oh, has he?
- Yeah.

He er… He thought
he might have left his badge here

and uh…
He's asked me to pick it up for him.

Oh, maybe he left it in my bedroom.
I didn't see it.

You'd better come and help me look for it,
hadn't you?

- What, me?
- Hmm.

Yeah, all right, then.

- Can you see it?
- No.

You look very warm.

Do I? It is hot, innit?

I know. Perhaps it's in the bed.

Come here.

And help me look for it.

Stick to regulations.
No standing upstairs.

Well, I…

You're nice, aren't you? Nicer than Jack.

Am I… Am I?

Um… Look I can't stop
because I'm… I'm due out.

No. Not till 9:20.

Oh, aren't I?

Come on, you've only got 12 minutes.

What's the matter?

That was a bus. I'm late.

No you're not. It wasn't a bus.
I'll soon see.

Oh my god!
It's my old man.

- Quickly scarper. He'll kill you.
- I haven't done anything.

I know that, but he doesn't.

Oh god.

Me hat, me hat, me hat, me hat!
Wait a minute… Me coat.

Oh… Quick…

Oh, there you are.
You've got a bloke up there, ain't you?

Don't be daft.
What are you talking about?

I found this badge in our bedroom.

- Oh, that…
- Yes, that.

I picked that up out­side.

Yes but that's not all you
picked up, is it? He's up there, ain't he?

You suspicious swine. If you don't
believe me, go upstairs and look.

I'll kill him.

And look where you like.

Just a minute.

Follow me, Butler, will you?

What for?

General Manager wants to have a word
with you.

What? What, Blakey? What about, Blakey?
Blakey, Blakey what about, eh?

It's about that telephone box,

and all the other damage
you did the other day.

Yeah, but, I couldn't help it,
I couldn't help that.

Butler, sir.

I'll er… Hello, sir. Um…

Mr. Blake… Explained what you wanted…
It's a… I couldn't help it.

Do you know you did
over £200 worth of damage?

Yes, well, I did explain it, didn't I?

You see… I got into a skid…
And I couldn't control it.

Well, the insurance company
aren't satisfied.

They say it's incompetent driving,

and they're withdrawing your cover
till you've passed the test.

The inspector knows the details.

A test? What, me?

Best bit of news I've had
for a long time, that is.

A test… This is ridiculous!
Who's going to test me? You?

Oh no, mate. Not me, no. They are.

Who's they?

The insurance company.
Oh, don't worry mate. They do it properly.

They use the London Trans­port's
testing facilities.

Cor…

You're next, Butler.

Am I?

I'm going to enjoy this, mate.

I've suffered from you,
god knows I've suffered.

Now this is where you're going
to get your comeuppance, mate.

Ah yeah, but them London Transport buses,
they're better than ours.

Yeah, so are their drivers.

Right. We've completed testing.

You can use our bus over there
for the next 30 minutes.

And uh… Well best of luck.

Our insurance company
have asked Mr. Brooks here to do the test.

Insurance company?

Yeah, well, come on… Butler, isn't it?

Er, yes sir.

Come on. Let's get on with it.

Yes, sir.

I expect you'd like to have a look at it.

Now if you'll… Get in the cab and
I'll tell you what I want you to do.

Um, er… Yes, sir, yes, sir.

Now you'll notice that there's…

a slight difference in the controls,
so I'll explain them to you.

Here we are. What about that?

This layout's not very much different
to ours.

No?

All right.
Now, I'll tell you what I want you to do.

Yes, sir.

I want you to make two circuits.

One left-hand skid. One right-hand skid.

Yes, sir.

Now I see they've got the water started.

The red flag is up, so you can go as soon
as they're ready round the back.

Yes, sir. Thank you very much, sir.
Yes, thank you, sir.

Right.

You'd better see upstairs then.

More headroom there.
You go and have a look.

Well, if I'm going to go,
he's going to go and all.

Wait! Oy wait!

Wait, wait! Butler, wait!

Have you gone mad!
Hey, Butler, have you gone mad?

Butler! I'll have ya.

Stop! Wait! Wait! Wait!

Hey! Ow!

Oy!

Oh! Butler!

Butler! Butler… Stop!

Stop!

Stop!

Stop!

Well, I thought he did very well.
I'll pass him.

Hoo!

Evening, Mum.

- Hello, love.
- Ah…

Cor blimey.
Here, what's all this then?

It's your old high chair and your pram.

Arthur got 'em down from the loft for me.

Well, time's slipping by.
It won't be long now.

Cor, by the size of Olive,
the baby'll never fit in 'ere.

Oh don't, Stan. It's bad enough
with the baby kicking me all the time.

There it goes again.
I hope there's nothing wrong.

It's probably playing football
with all them pickled onions.

Oh Stan, love, look.
It does look a bit shabby, dunnit?

Yeah. Getting a bit dumpy, ain't it, eh?

Well, if it weren't for them women drivers

pinching my blooming overtime,
I'd chip in for a new one.

Ah, would you, Stan?

'Course I would.

Look at the state of it, ain't it?

- Hey. I'll tell you what I'll do.
- What?

Look. I'll take them down to the depot
and I'll get them done up.

They do marvels down there.

Oh good. Yes. Here, and Arthur, I was
thinking. When the time comes for Olive,

how's she gonna to get to the hospital?

Well, the number 13 bus
goes right past, dunnit?

But suppose
the baby arrives in the night? Olive did.

Oh, and she was a big baby.

Well, that figures.

I'll never forget it.

I was hours having Olive.

Do you know? She was so long arriving,
she was born under two birth signs.

Was she really?

Yes. Her top half's Leo
and her bottom half's Virgo.

I'll tell you what, Arthur. If there's
a panic in the middle of the night,

you can run Olive
to the hospital in your sidecar.

Oh, no I cannot,
because the side­car's busted.

And with things the way they are,
can't afford to get it fixed.

You come outside, I'll show you.

What's wrong with it then?

Oh, I don't know about
running to the hospital mate.

…What's the matter with it?

Well, come on then. What's wrong with it?

I told you, the sidecar's broken.

What do you mean, the sidecar's broken?
Blimey, there's nothing wrong there. Look.

Cor blimey.

You stupid great nit.

You can see, can't you.
Blimey, look at this here, mate.

See what's happened, can't you.
Blimey, the springs are gone, look.

Well, don't worry.
I tell you what I'll do, Arthur.

I'll take them down to the depot and get
them fix­ed with the rest of the things.

Yeah, they're the springs
off of Arthur's motorbike.

Said that I'd get them done up
for him, see. I never…

Look at that. That's another four of 'em.

Blimey, if any more turn up,
they'll have us outnumbered.

You're the shop steward.
What's the Union doing about this?

Look, mate. I've taken it right up to the
top. There's nothing they can do about it.

Under the new Act, there can be no
discrimination be­tween males and females.

Well, summat's got to be done about it.

Look, I'm gonna nip these into maintenance,

then we'll have to think up some plan.

Hey, Nobby. Do us a favor, will you?

These springs come off
my brother-in-law's motorbike.

Can you do anything with them?

- Just about had it, mate.
- Have they?

Still, leave them with me.

I'll see if I can do anything with them
after I've finished these signs.

Here, watch it. Blakey's on the warpath.

What are these for then?

Oh, they're digging up
the High Street again, ain't they?

'Ere, I've got an idea.

Nobby, mate,
can you turn out a few of them for us?

Well, I suppose I could, why?

Listen…

Thank you very much, Inspector.

See, the women are coming along
very well now, sir. Yeah…

I don't get any bother at all from them,
you know.

Oh.

Right drive away then, lovey.

And watch out for your diversion.
The High Street's up.

Now about next week…

What's happened then?
What's gone wrong? What you come back for?

She's only been gone half a minute.
What's the idea?

What sort of bus service are you running?

I followed the signs like he told me.

Signs? They're two miles
down the road in the High Street.

Haven't you told these women anything?

But the signs down the road…

Down the road? You must have been
daydreaming, you stupid woman.

How can I run a bus service
when you don't know where you're going?

Oh… Don't you shout at me.
I can't bear men that shout at me.

All right. Inspector! Sort this out.

Eh? What?

My god.

Oh! Oh! Arthur!
Be careful! Be careful!

- Please! Don't! Arthur!
- God!

Oh! Don't squash it. Don't squash it.

It's only a spider!

Oh, I thought the baby was being born.

That's nothing to what I thought.

Here, I've got it. I've got it.

- Oh, don't kill it! Don't kill it!
- Stop screaming!

Put it in there.

Ruddy marvelous, ain't it?
Women go berserk when they see a spider.

Yeah.

Yeah. They do, don't they?

Here, Jack, Jack. You sure
Blakey's going to be on this bus?

Yeah, 'course he is.

Here, but one spider's
not going to be much good, is it?

One? I've picked up
another half a dozen since then. Look.

Ah, handsome, mate. 'Ere you go.

- Stick 'em in.
- Keep your eyes peeled.

'Ere, watch it, mate.

Hello.

Get off!

Oh, oh god…

Oh, me face. Oh… Oh… Ow…

Oh, me hand, don't!

Get out of it. Silly driver.

What happened? Can't you drive, eh?

Oh my god. Look what you've done.

Quick, get in the cab and let's get away.

No. No. No. I can't!

I can't. There's… There's
spiders in my cab!

What?

Spiders in my cab!

Spiders! I don't care
if you've got ants in your pants.

- Get in that cab and pull away, quick.
- No! No, I won't!

I won't.

- Oh my god. Here we go.
- Who's in charge of this bus?

I am. I suppose.

- Ah, Inspector.
- Yes, sir.

- That collision with the lorry.
- Yes, sir.

- Was that one of your women drivers?
- Yes, sir.

But… I've given her
a good telling off, sir.

You won't have a recurrence of that
incident again, sir, I assure you of that.

- There better not be.
- No, sir.

It was your idea to have 'em, remember?

Yes, sir.

Only one consolation about that accident.

Oh, yes, sir? What was that?

You were the only one that got hurt!

Yes. Uh… Well…

Must look on the bright side
of everything mustn't we, sir?

Hey Fred, you seen Stan? We're due out.

Yeah. I've seen him. He's over there.
Chatting up that woman driver.

Oh, blimey. Not again.

Yeah. And as Union representative, you go
over there and tell him to cut it out.

Don't you worry, mate.

Stan, come here. I want a word with you.

Oh. I'll see you later,
all right, darlin'?

Okay.

Here…

Look, you'd better turn it up. The lads
don't like you sitting with the driver.

What's wrong?

Well, she's a woman,
or haven't you found out yet?

Don't be an idiot. 'Course I have.

I think I've clicked.
I'm going to be all right tonight.

Stan, she's a woman driver.

Look.
One thing's nothing to do with the other.

She's coming round my place tonight and if
the lads don't like it, they can lump it.

Oh, Stan.
I don't think we should be doing this.

Eh?

I don't think your mates'd like it.

Don't worry about them, love.
I'm not frightened of that shower.

I could take that lot on any day. Come on.

What's funny?

I've just been think­ing,

this is the first time I've ever done this
with another bus driver.

Oh, Stan!

Come on.

Are you sure we won't be interrupted?

No. They're all in bed asleep.

Stan… Close the curtains.

- Eh?
- The curtains.

Oh, yeah.
Oh, yes. Of course. The curtains.

Just a minute.

That's better. Come on, darling.

Oh, you are getting excited.
You're all shaking. Ooh.

Yeah… Sally…
Just a… Just a minute.

I mean. Sally, I've got to go outside
just for a minute.

Oh, all right.
But don't be too long.

No. No. I won't.

Here.

What are all you lot doing 'ere?

Look, mate, you have been warned.

The lads won't stand for you fraternizing
with a woman bus driver.

But look, Jack. Listen, mate.

Look… If that bird isn't out of here in
ten seconds, the lads is going to do you.

Ten seconds!

Starting from now.

But Jack, mate, ten seconds!

Nine, eight…

All right. All right. All right.

- Seven, six…
- All right. All right.

- Sally…
- Come on, let's not waste…

No. You must stop…
you must stop it. Stop it.

Oh, we can't stop now.

You've got to go, honest.

- Go?
- Yes.

Here's your coat.

- You're joking!
- No, I'm not. It's just that I can't.

Can't!

Well… well, I can. But I can't.
It'll have to be some other time.

There won't be another time!

But Sally… Sally!

Sorry.

All right, Stan, bring it out.

Look at that, Jack. Great, ain't it, eh?

Yeah, that's lovely.

You wouldn't think that was
Olive's old pram, would ya?

We've fitted it out with the lot, Stan.
There's a bell cord.

Just the thing for a busman's family.
When it wants to go, it rings twice.

Hold very tight there.

Stan! Oh, ain't it beautiful, eh?

Here, you'd never think this was
your old pram, would you, love?

No.

You like it, eh?
You wait till you see the rest.

Arthur's giving Jack a hand with them.

- Mind your backs there, please.
- Come on Olive, move up.

There you are. There's the high chair.

Oh! It matches the pram.

- Oh! So does the cot.
- There we are.

And by a very strange coincidence,
they match the color of our buses.

I've got something else to show you. Look.

- Look at that.
- Oh!

They've even painted the little potty red.

Yeah. Hey, they've even put one
of our bus signs on it. Look, Arthur.

Oh, Stan, just think.
My little Olive's botty once sat on that.

The mind boggles.

Here, Arthur mate, we've got the springs
for your motorbike here.

Oh. Thanks very much.

Hey, what do you think of them, mate?
Done special.

Yeah, they're quite nice.

Quite nice? Why you ungrateful…

Er, Stan, it's five o'clock.
We're due back.

Oh! I almost forgot.
It's time to take my pill.

You've left it too late, love.

I'll get you some water.

Don't be so rude.

It's not for that. It's to keep
my weight down. Makes me lose liquid.

Yeah. Taking them, she has to spend
a penny every ten minutes.

That's a bit much, innit?

Not for her. It's only five minutes
more often than usual.

Says a diuretic. Well, I never.

- Here, Stan, mate.
- What?

Those pills have given me an idea.

Heads up, here they are.

Oh.

Hello, girls! No, don't queue, darlings.
Teas are on us today.

Sit down. We'll get 'em for you.

- Oh thank you, Stan.
- How nice!

- That's all right.
- Thank you ever so much.

Thanks, darling. Thank you.

Okay, no one's looking. Got the pills?

Yeah. Hang on a minute.

Oh, hello, darlings.
Sit down, the teas are on us today.

- Oh, ta very much.
- Oh, it's our pleasure.

Blimey she's a size, ain't she?

I'll give her an extra two.
She looks as though she needs 'em.

- All right?
- Yep.

Here we are, darlings.
Here you are, here's your tea.

Help yourselves, help yourselves.

Ah, well…

Now we… Always like to make people
feel at home, you know.

- Lovely.
- Hello, Blakey.

Settling down together, are we? Of course,
I knew you would eventually, but…

Cup of tea, Inspector?
Here, you can have mine if you like.

No. No, uh… It's all right.
I'll get you one, Blakey.

No, no, no, Stan. No.
Let Blakey have it if he wants to.

I mean there's plenty more
where that came from, ain't there?

Oh yeah. Yeah.

Now then, Blakey, yes, you take that one.

- And… I'll get you another one, love.
- Ta.

Cup of tea then, sweetheart.

Thanks very much.

Hmm, very nice, that.
Slightly different flavor to usual mind.

Nothing like a nice cup of tea
to keep you going, is there?

No. And I bet that one will.

Here. Here, have… Have either of you
seen the inspector?

- No, sir..
- Not at all, Governor.

Mr. Blake. Mr. Blake!

Coming, sir.

What's going on?

Buses held up, left unattended,
traffic at a standstill.

I've had complaints all over.
Now I've got one about indecent exposure.

Well, I can't under­stand it, sir.

I can only put it down to this cold spell
we've been having, sir.

I don't care what caused it.
You're responsible for these women.

In future you, ruddy well see to it
that they take their,

pre­cautions, before they leave the depot.

- What, me, sir?
- You sir!

Oh…

Oh my god…
You'll have to excuse me, sir. I gotta go.

All right, sit down there.

Here you are, love.

Here's a few things I thought you might
like for the journey to the hospital,

for your checkup.

Do you mind, Ma? We've had
enough difficulties squeezing her in.

Shove them in the back.

Yeah, we'll need a tin opener
to get her out.

- There you are, love.
- I'll be all right, Mum.

All right. Come on, love.
Look, here's a nice cushion. Get her up.

There you are. That's it.

Here. She can't go without this.

What, she want a drink?

No! That's not a drink.

What is it?

Well, it's what she got to take
to the hospital.

Oh yeah. Well, you can't go
to the hospital without that, can you?

Oh, Stan!

Right. Get on, Arthur. Start her up, mate.

That's it. Right. Off you go. Go on.

It won't move!

- Well, let the clutch out.
- I have let the clutch out.

Well, why ain't it going?

I don't know why it doesn't…

Oh, blimey. Olive's weight has lifted
the back wheel off the ground.

All right,
I'll give you a bit of a hand then.

Will you leave off!

Here, wait a minute.
I've got a better idea.

Tell you what I'll do, Arthur. I'll ride
pillion, and that'll balance it up.

Are you sure it'll be all right, Stan?
You know I get sick in a car.

Look, darling,
you've got bus springs underneath you.

You're gonna have a very comfortable ride.

Righto, love.

Right. Hey, Arthur, wait a minute.

- Ta-ta!
- Yes, so long, Mum!

- Hey. Ain't it a bit dodgy?
- What?

Blimey.

Babies.

What's happened?

What's happened?
Look mate, look at this here, look.

- Oh! I'm getting pains.
- You what?

You and your ruddy springs!

It's nothing to do with my springs, mate.

It's your rotten bike,
it's falling to bits.

I'm getting regular pains.
I think the baby's coming!

You what? It can't, not here!

- Quick get her to hospital. Quick.
- Oh.

What you got in here
that you can hold it together with?

Oh!

'Ere, listen. I'll twist this bit of wire
round it for the time being.

Go down Traps Lane,
we'll get her there in five minutes.

All right. All right. Get on with it.

- It's all right, my love.
- Oh!

It's all right.
We'll have you there in no time.

- All done?
- Yes, it's all right. All right.

All right then, darlin'? I'll hold on
to the side­car, you hold your breath.

- Here we go.
- Right.

Hold on.

Arthur!

Where's she gone?

Hold it, hold it, hold it!

You all right, sunshine?

I think the baby's coming any minute.

- The what?
- Get me out!

Get that door open.

I can't. It's jammed, you idiot!

Well, let's try lifting her out then.
Very gently, very gently. There we are.

- Easy does it.
- You all right, sunshine.

One, two, three, up.

- And another one.
- Hold on. One, two, three, up.

Ooh. I can't.

No. It's no good. The only way
you'll get out is to hatch out.

Oh, sorry, love. I didn't mean that.

Shall I go for an ambulance?

No, don't be daft.
We haven't got time for that.

Eh… Let's get her on that bus.

What, go by bus?

Look, I know the driver. I'll tell him
to get cracking. We'll soon get there.

It's all right. He won't be long, love.
He'll have you there in a minute.

Here. Here. Quick.
My wife's about to have a baby.

I'll get them to prepare
the delivery room then.

Here, no, no.
We're gonna need a hammer and chisel.

Bring that out. Bring it out. Come on.
Give us a hand.

What are you doing here?
This is a motorway.

I was diverted. There was a sign.

Oh my god. Not you and all.
You women are always seeing signs.

Well, you can't drive on here, can ya?

Come on. I'll have to reverse you
back up on the road.

Here, come on. Get moving.
You can't stop here.

It's all right, yes,
it's a mistake actually, officer.

We're just going to reverse back
up on the road there.

Reverse? Oh no you're not.
Once on here, keep moving.

You'll have to turn round
at the next intersection.

Well how far's that then?

About 20 miles up the road.

Oh, well that's ridiculous, innit.
We're going.

Are you moving or do you want me
to book you?

Eh? No, no. No, no, no.

Now get back on your bus and drive away.

I've been three hours on this bus
and I only wanted to go to Tesco's.

I'm sorry, madam, but hurry along, you'll
find they're still open up the street.

Here, where you been, Blakey?
Taking them on a mystery tour, eh?

I tell you what, you had us worried.

I thought you two had nipped off
to Gretna Green.

Now don't you start!

I've had just about as much as I am going
to take from anyone, I'll tell ya.

- Inspector Blake!
- Eh, sir.

Where the hell have you been?

Well, sir…
it was a bit of a slight mistake, sir.

Oh, I see. It was one of
your precious little darlings driving, eh?

Now come with me.
I want a full report of this.

You've… You know you've broken
a record, don't you?

No. What's that?

Even I've never been two hours late.

Get out.

- Morning, Jack.
- Oh, morning, mate.

'Ere, er, how's Olive getting on?

Oh, fine. Hey, I went
to see her in hospital last night.

She's got a beautiful bounc­ing baby.
Thirteen pounds, twelve ounces.

Cor blimey. What is it, a baby elephant?

She's coming out tomorrow.

Oh good. How's she looking?

Well, you know Olive.
Looks the same size as when she went in.

- Here, Stan.
- What?

- That's your Sally.
- Oh yeah.

What's she doing with a ticket machine on?

I don't know. Here, Sally, love.

Yeah?

Hey, er… You changed your job then?

Yeah. I couldn't stand
working with those old frumps.

Besides…
I didn't have any fun being a driver.

Woo hoo.

Here, Stan.
You know what she is now, don't you?

Yeah, a clippie.

She's crumpet, mate. She's available!

Oh, yeah.

Hey, I did all right
with her last time, didn't I?

Here, Jack, here,
do you know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna chat her up
and get her round to my house tonight.

Well, I hope you do better with her
than you done with that.

- Well, what do you expect?
- Come on.

- Coochy coochy…
- I am delighted.

Just fancy me being an uncle, eh.
I'll see you at home, love.

Isn't he a lovely baby, Jack?

Jack, quite bonny, isn't he?

Yeah. You sure you've got the right one?

Oh, Jack! Here, come on, love.
Come to Gran.

That's my baby.

Righto, love. That's it. Here we are.

Olive… Cases.

Come on, Sally, how about it?

I don't think there's any point.
Not after what happened at your place.

Look, I keep telling you, the lads
would have killed me if you had stayed.

Cor blimey, they wasn't half worked up.

I know how they felt.

Look, it'll be different this time.

Well, I'll think about it.

Honest?

Yeah, I'll think about it.

All right then. Look, I got to go now
'cause I've got to sign on.

Er… Coming, Jack?

Here, how you doing?

Well, eh…
it'll take its time, you know.

Time? Blimey, mate, you're joking.
She's panting for it.

Look, you can't rush these things, mate.
I know women. It'll wait.

I know women a lot better than you.

Look, when I've got a bird
who's playing hard to get,

I go straight round to her house
with a big bunch of flowers.

When she opens the door,
I thrust it straight into her hand.

It never fails, mate.

Look mate,
I'm not making a fool of my­self.

You do it your way. I'll do it mine. Okay?

Can't you keep that child quiet?

Shh. You'll upset him.

Hello, Mum. I'm home.

I said, I'm home!

Don't shout, love. You'll upset the baby.

Upset him!
Blimey, he sounds upset already.

Shh. Poor little darling.

Oh, he's gone all quiet.

Eh? What?

Hey, Mum… Mum, where's my clean shirt?
I am going out.

Oh, I haven't had time
to wash anything for you.

Not with my little treasure to look after.
You'll have to wash it yourself.

- Wash it meself?
- Shhh.

Listen, I want a clean pair of pants
and a vest too.

I presume you have a date with some bird.

Mind your own business!

Don't shout! You'll upset the baby!

There, what did I tell you?

Well, what's the matter with him?
Why is he always yelling?

Oh, wait a minute. I know.
Here. I've got it.

There. Look, I got it from the chemist's.

Gripe water for his stomach.
That's what he needs.

Oh. Thank you.

There, never mind. Never mind.

You stupid great lump.
What on earth do you think you're doing?

Rubbing it into his stomach.

You're supposed to put it in
through his mouth, not his belly button.

Oh!

- Does it matter?
- Does it matter?

Look, where's my shirt?

- I don't know.
- Oh god.

- Arthur, get us a spoon, love.
- All right.

Oh, look at it!
Right at the bottom all screwed up!

Get out of the way.

I won't be able to wash it. I have to
just rub it over with the iron. I'm late.

All right, rub it over with the iron, then.

There we are.

Oh ta, love.

- There you are, Daddy'll hold you.
- Eh?

Take him a minute.

- Mind his head.
- Uh…

Cor blimey. He's a weight, isn't he?

There we are, my little fellow.

Here, Olive, I'm going to put all these
things in soak. Where's that dirty nappy?

Uh… Oh, I thought I put it
on one of the chairs.

You careless great idiot.
I told you not to leave them lying about!

Here, Ma. Take the baby.

I shall have to go up
and change my trousers.

Oh well,
it's no use losing your temper, love.

You've got to expect things like this
when you've got a little baby.

I find this all most unpleasant.
And a great strain.

Well, you didn't think that
when you took your pleasure.

I did.

Sally.

Sally!

Oy!

Oy!

Innit marvelous, eh? I do all the driving
and he comes along and punches her ticket.

Ta, love.

Oh come on, Stan. For god's sake,
forget about it. It's only another bird.

Why don't you get out of it?

Friends? I tell you something, mate,
it's taught me a lesson.

Yeah, me and all. Next time I go to bed
with a bird, I'll draw the curtains first.

Heads up, Blakey.

Oh blimey, not another notice.

I'd better have a butcher's.

What's it say then, Blakey?

- Read it for yourself.
- All right then.

Hey, Stan, mate, come here.
This'll cheer you up, look.

"As from the end of this week,
the management have decided

to discontinue the use of women drivers."

We won.

You see, Blakey,
we told you it wouldn't work.

What you going to do? Sack 'em?

No. We're not gonna sack 'em.

All those girls are going to be offered
alternative employment within the company.

Well, come on!
Don't sit there laying about.

Some of yous is late enough as it is.
Now come on, get them buses out.

Just a minute. All in our own time.

You can't boss us about now, you know.

- Have a nut, Jack?
- Oh, ta.

"Britain's number one nut."
Cor blimey, they never met him.

Oh I hate yous two.

I'll get even with you, you'll see!

Come on. Come on. Don't hurry yourself,
will you? I'm waiting for yous two.

All right. What's it all about then?

Well… As you can see, my…
My promo­tion has come through…

Been made Chief Inspector.

Cor blimey, look at that.
Here, Blakey, I like your yellow braid.

Suits him, doesn't it, Stan?

Oh, thanks very much.

Yeah. Matches your teeth.

Shut up you!

Now pay attention, all of yous.

The management in their infinite wisdom

have decided
that because of the staff shortage,

bus crews must be used more efficiently.

There's going to be more checking
and more supervision.

There's going to be four new inspectors
on your route for a start.

Uh, inspectors Wilson, Hughes…

Williams and Brown.

Right. You can take over now.

- You're kidding.
- Women inspectors?

Oh, now you're joking, ain't you, Blakey?

Oh, no. No… It was all my idea, actually.

I think I shall enjoy life
from now onwards.

For a start,
we've decided to separate you two.

- What?
- Yes.

Yes. Keep you two troublemakers apart.

Oh, well, that's that, then.
I'm not standing for that.

I've got a good mind to pack in the job.

You're right there, Jack. Me work under
women? Huh. You've had that, mate.

Get them buses out, then.
Come on, get 'em out!

Uh, if you ladies follow me and I'll show…

- Stan Butler?
- Yeah.

I've been put on your bus.

- Have you?
- I'm your new clippie.

Are you?

I'm new here, so you will let me know
what you want me to do.

I'll do everything you say.

Will you?

Come on, mate. Let's go and get our cards.

Uh, no, no. Uh…

I think we better give it a chance,
don't you?

- I mean, see how things work out.
- You what?

Uh, um… Darling,
I'm late getting the bus out.

You'd better see me out in the depot, love.

You're not going to
stand for that, are you?

We can't work under them.

Look, mate, we got to give it a try,
ain't we?

Besides, you know what you're always
saying ought to be done to inspectors.

Now's your chance to do it.

Now you put the time of the bus
leaving the depot,

and the name of the driver which
in this case 'appens to be Butler.

That bus coming out there?

♪ Oh, it's a great life on the buses ♪

♪ No matter what the time of day ♪

- ♪ You'll see the world all on the buses ♪
- Butler!

♪ We're on our way ♪

♪ There's so much feeling on the buses ♪

♪ As people fumble for their fare ♪

♪ It always happens in the crushes ♪

♪ They take their chances
When it's there ♪

♪ It's so exciting on the buses ♪

♪ When someone's fumbling close to you ♪

♪ But when the traffic jam's in rushes ♪

♪ There's little else to do ♪

♪ There's always gay life on the buses ♪

♪ Make sure you leave your bird at home ♪

♪ You'll see so many on the buses ♪

♪ You won't be sitting on your own ♪

♪ It's so romantic on the buses ♪

♪ You'll find it thrilling when you ride ♪

♪ And you can get it on the buses ♪

♪ Upstairs or down inside ♪

♪ Oh, it's a great life on the buses ♪

♪ No matter what the time of day ♪

♪ You'll see the world all on the buses ♪

♪ We're on our way ♪