Oh Dad, Poor Dad, Mamma's Hung You in the Closet and I'm Feelin' So Sad (1967) - full transcript
A mother drops her son and husband off at a tropical vacation spot for a little rest and relaxation. The only problem is that the husband has been dead for quite some time, and his wife had him stuffed and carries him around with her. Complications ensue.
[ETHEREAL MUSIC PLAYING]
Oh! Hi there, gang.
Hurry it up there,
will you, Mac?
I'm goin' as
fast as I can.
Believe me,
whether you're
down there
or up here,
when it comes
to repairs,
it's all the same.
[GRUNTS]
Now let me tell you
about my wife,
who's down there
right now
with our son.
Boy, if she isn't
a dandy. Mmm!
And talk about
mean. Phew!
And cold!
Boy!
Why, her heart
is so cold,
you could make
a meat-locker
out of her chest.
She used to bug me
and I used to bug her.
She used to
call me Fatso.
That's when
I used to drink
a whole quart of lard
right in front of her.
Yeah, she really
bugged me. She finally
bugged me to death.
I mean, literally.
Now she's
down there
with our son
and what she's doing to him,
you just wouldn't believe.
I know one thing,
I've got to get
down there.
Get my hands
in things.
Or he'll be
spreading wings
down there
long before
he gets 'em
up here.
Not that I have
anything against
wings, understand.
As long as
they work.
Okay, okay,
they'll work.
You just can't
rush these things,
that's all.
As I started
to say, what I...
Here, you wanna
finish this?
Thanks, Mac.
Just don't tell
the boss it's a
real Havana, huh?
Now, what I gotta do
is go down there
and help that kid.
Give him a chance
to live a little.
Like his old man
used to.
Lots of luck!
DAD: Well, there they are,
my kid and my wife,
in her best Sunday fangs.
Now that may look
like a plane to you,
but it's a witch
on her broom to me.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
[CHEERY SONG PLAYING]
DAD: That's me.
Look at the part I get.
There's the kid. [BLEATING]
[LAUGHING]
Just puttin' ya on.
Halt!
DAD: And there
she is, my opponent.
In an old suit Prince Valiant
used to wear to funerals.
My good man,
where is my hotel?
There's certainly
no hotel on the runway.
We have not
had a hotel
on the runway
for over...
Oh, three weeks
now. [CHUCKLES]
Not humorous.
No.
And landing without
permission is
not humorous!
You have holes
in your runway.
Jonathan,
make a note.
Get his name
and sue him
for, er... 10,000.
You made me
break one of my
false fingernails.
I had them done
in Calcutta
with ground
yak powder.
Very expensive.
I'm not interested.
Right now,
we are not
in Calcutta
and we have
some formalities
to endure like...
Customs.
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
[MARCHING DRUMBEAT]
[WHISTLING A TUNE]
Well, now, have you
anything to declare?
No. Nothing. Nothing?
There seems to be
an abundance of nothing,
Miss, uh... Missus...
Madame.
Madame.
It's my name,
not my profession.
Madame Rosepettle.
This is my son, Jonathan.
DAD: That's my boy.
Kinda grabs you, don't it?
You can see,
he's a real swinger.
Wait till he
brings out his yo-yo.
MADAME: He takes down
the names of all those
I intend to sue,
hate, send to prison,
and execute.
You must be
very busy.
He'll be busier
if we don't get
out of here soon.
All right.
We will forget
these other items...
...and start with this.
Now this
is a coffin.
What a clever man.
A regular Charlie Chan.
And in coffins there
are usually dead people. A genius.
And if there's
a dead person
in this coffin,
you cannot come
into our country.
MADAME: Listen, you usher!
My attorneys have
been over this
thing thoroughly.
My husband and I
have traveled
all over the world
in this fashion.
[WHISPERS]
Your husband!
Oh, Madame!
I'm deeply sorry!
Save it.
He's been dead
for years.
Dead for years?
But how is that possible?
I don't understand.
I mean, the... [ENGINE STARTS]
I had him stuffed.
[CHEERY SONG PLAYING]
[HORN HOOTING MUSICALLY]
The Valhalla Nirvana
says... Welcome.
And Madame Rosepettle says...
Why was no one
at the airport
to meet me?
Madame Rosepettle!
But you weren't
supposed to arrive
till this afternoon.
I'm so sorry.
Wasn't supposed
to arrive!
Now, who are you
to tell me when
I should arrive?
On whose authority
do you presume
to tell me when
I should arrive?
But we have your telegram.
It says you will
arrive this afternoon.
Do you know
what time it
is in Karachi?
Well, do you?
No, I'm afraid not.
You should be afraid
to be afraid not.
Jonathan, tell
him what time
it is in Karachi.
[REPLIES IN HINDI]
MADAME: In Tokyo.
[REPLIES IN JAPANESE]
In China.
Uh, which dialect? Cantonese.
[REPLIES IN MOCK CANTONESE]
And you quibble
about morning
and afternoon.
My good man,
your time is up.
Jonathan, take a note.
Have him sent
to the North Pole.
He won't be so finicky
about morning
and afternoon up there.
Madame jests.
The boy is
quite a linguist.
Now, may I show
you to your suite?
Unload Madame Rosepettle's
luggage.
Ooh, this way,
if you please.
DAD: Guess you're wondering
how we kinda got together.
Well, it's a tender story.
I was walking
through the forest.
And there she was.
I took a thorn
out of her paw.
And she was grateful.
Well, here it is.
Here what is?Your suite,
it's our best.
A sweeping view
of the water
crowned with
tropical vegetation,
fit for a queen.
What are you
getting at?
Well, I was only
trying to explain
the magnificent
advantages... Quit gushing.
Well, Jonathan,
how do you like it?
[SNIFFING]
He's very sensitive
about rooms.
He's extremely
intelligent.
Of course.
Well, darling?
I...
DAD: That's tellin' her, kid.
He likes it.
Ah!
Now then...
Here... Here is
the little lad's room.
This is where
you sleep,
little one.
Isn't it pretty?
Thank you, Mummy. Never call me "Mummy"!
DAD: How about Godzilla?
I am not a "Mummy".
I am Mother.
DAD: Tear your heart out?
She will. Mother.
DAD: By the roots.
Say it.
Mother.
[STUTTERING]
Thank you, Mother.
He's very well-behaved. Yes.
A firm but
gentle hand.
I hope I have
my own bathroom.
Such a pleasure to
see a young gentleman
so well brought up.
Madame is pleased?
Madame is wondering
what is to be
done about that
vulgar shaft
of sunlight.
Madame is certain
that her instructions
included a black
velvet drape
over every window
in her room.
Oh, the boys
haven't put
it up yet.
See that they do.
Soon!
Except for that,
it's quite
a nice room.
Rather...
Comforting.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
MADAME: Well!
It's about time.
Put it in
the bedroom.
Gently, gently, gently.
No, no, no,
not there.
By the bed.
Perfectly all right.
It's my husband.
Oh, he's been
dead for years.
Well, if there's anything
any of you require,
please don't
hesitate to
call on me.
[DOOR CLOSES]
What are you
seeing, little one?
[STUTTERING]
Nothing. Just boats.
Not boats,
Jonathan.
Yachts.
Poor people
look at boats.
We look at yachts.
Commodore! You said
we would come out
here to swim.
Yes, swimming,
what a lovely diversion.
[LAUGHING MISCHIEVOUSLY]
Yes, the back stroke,
the side stroke,
the breast stroke.
Ah, swimming, yes.
How graceful
the salmon leap
upstream and spawn.
But we're not salmon,
Mister Roseabove!
No, no, no,
but perhaps
we can swim
and maybe spawn.
Uh, I don't
wanna spawn.
I wanna swim. Hey!
No, no, no.
No, wait, wait!
Oh, hold it!
Damn it!
He loves to spy.
Don't you?
Now, don't you?
[TITTERING]
[LAUGHING] Aw!
[COMMODORE LAUGHING]
Yes, the back...
Ha! The mommy
salmon needs help
and here's the daddy
salmon coming to
her assistance.
Ahoy there! Ahhh!
Whoa! Hold it. Whoa!
That's one of
the cutest yachts
I have ever seen.
Wouldn't that be nice
for our little family? [DOOR OPENS]
BELLBOYS:
We're back, Madame.
MADAME: Ah!
We're about
to unveil
our treasures.
All right.
Case number...
Jonathan,
pay attention.
Case number one.
Oh, my darlings!
These are piranhas.
They eat human flesh.
Unfortunately,
we must compromise.
These fish like
Siamese cats
and I want
Siamese cats
for them.
Do you comprehend?
And don't try to
sneak in some
inferior breed.
Next case.
Robinson, my boy,
your fabulous
stamp collection.
Thank you. Ah!
Take it to my
little one's bedroom.
Now, boys,
watch this.
His fantastic
coin collection.
And now, darling, your
sensational library.
[MADAME CHUCKLING]
My little bookworm.
[BOTH TITTERING]
Out! You two.
Continue, my son. [DOOR CLOSES]
[STUTTERING]
My sensational library...
DAD: Some sensational library.
Snow White
and the Seven Dwarfs,
Charlie, the Little Choo-Choo,
and a censored version of
Alice In Wonderland. Ah!
Enough! And now
for my treat,
my Venus Flytraps.
Put them on
the balcony.
Not too
close together.
They fight.
BOTH: Will that
be all, Madame?
All except one thing.
Which one of you
has failed to seal
the window
in my bedroom?
BOTH: We have the drape
in the hall, Madame.
Get it.
I expressly asked
that every window
be covered.
I cannot have
sunlight come
into my chamber.
I am in mourning. "...down the
rabbit hole."
You realize
that this bit
of inefficiency
has cost the
lot of you any
future tips.
Black is the color of
my true love's boudoir.
Jonathan,
come help me
hang your father
in the closet.
DAD: Let Mumsey
do it herself, son.
It is my fondest wish
to give her a hernia.
You'd think you'd
learn by now.
Learn what?
I go there to
go swimming...
That horrible
fish routine starts.
[SCOFFS]
My fish routine,
as you call it,
has hooked me
many a treasure.
Commodore,
tell me the truth. Hmm?
If I didn't jump
overboard every day,
if I stayed,
and I fell
for that line
and didn't swim,
what would happen?
Why, it would
spoil all my fun,
wouldn't it?
Yes, exactly.
So why go
through it?
Why don't we
just be friends,
like a grandfather
and granddaughter?
Grandfather?
Father
and daughter? Oh!
Uncle and niece?
It all sounds
immoral to me.
And you don't
want to be
a dirty old man
for the rest
of your life,
do you?
I'm not old.
No, no.
No, no, no.
Oh, waiter. Yes, Madame?
I have some
instructions for you.
In my room there
is a little boy.
He will take
all of his
meals there.
Each of his meals
consists of the
same thing.
Get your pencil.
The room is 106.
For breakfast,
lunch and dinner,
he will have one
hamburger, well-done,
with catsup.
One glass of milk,
and for dessert...
DAD: Send up a broad. ...one maraschino cherry.
You will deliver these
items at 8:00 a.m...DAD: Make it two.
...12:00 noon,
and 6:00 p.m.
You will not
converse with him,
nor smile, nor touch,
nor raise an eyebrow.
Do you understand? Yes, Madame.
Then hop it.
[KISSING]
What about
Lady Crookeshaft?[CHOKING]
Oh, yes.
She's oversexed
and over 70.
No, I think I'll
up me anchor and find
some place fresh.
And where
would that be?
Maybe the
Virgin Islands.
There you go,
thinking young again.
Well, damn it,
where can I find
something mature
and in good
working order?
[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING]
Commodore Roseabove,
I presume?
You know me? [CHUCKLING]
Do I know Rolls-Royce,
Steinway, Dom Perignon?
The Commodore
is too modest.
You have me at
a disadvantage,
dear lady.
May I please,
ask your name?
My name is
Madame Rosepettle.
Madame.
Yes, please
join me.
I was just telling
Moses here,
how I longed to
see a lovely woman
and now fate has
brought me someone
beyond my dreams.
Well, you might
call It fate.
And just think,
Commodore Roseabove,
we won't even have to
change our monograms.
[SCREAMS]
Hello.
What are you doing?
I'm doing my yogi.
I do it every night
before dinner.
It stimulates me.
DAD: Didn't think
I could do it, did you?
Well, there's the dessert.
Upside down cake.
Isn't it kinda
dangerous?
[LAUGHS]
No, it's stimulating.
Hey, you're kinda cute.
What's your name?
I said, what's your name?
My real name?
Of course.
DAD: You're doin' fine, boy.
She's walkin' right
into your trap.
Hey, you shouldn't...
You shouldn't
be here. I'll...
My mother's due back
and I'm not allowed
to talk to strangers.
Why, if you tell me
your name, we won't
be strangers.
My name is Rosalie.
I... I saw you today.
Yes.
I... I saw you
swimming and...
And I saw you
with an older man.
What's your name? Jonathan.
Jonathan Rosepettle.
Really, Jonathan
Rosepettle the Third.
There wasn't any Second,
but my mother thought
it would be more
distinguished to be
Jonathan Rosepettle
the Third than...
DAD: How about getting to work
on Jonathan the Fourth, hmm?
Why? Why?
I don't know why.
It's what it's what she...
It's what she told me.
Hey... Hey, look,
you better go.
She's due back
and I'm not supposed
to talk to people. Why?
Why?
Every time I say why,
you say why. Why?
Well, why? There! You
did it again.
Ma'am, please.
Rosalie.
I'm your neighbor.
Rosalie.
Rosalie, look,
please go.
I mean, I'm not
supposed to
talk to people.
I asked you
why and you
haven't told me.
If you tell me,
maybe I'll go.Well...
Do you have some sort
of infectious disease?
No.
Are you some
sort of monk?
No.
Are you crazy?
No. Then what is it?
I'm pure.
Pure.
Pure!
Oh!
And I'm also a genius.
Oh! Genius.
[PLANT GROWLING] [SCREAMS]
Help! Get this
thing off me!
Stop, stop.
Stop! Get off her.
[SNARLING]
Bad, bad, bad, bad.
What are those plants?
Oh, uh, they're
Venus Flytraps.
They eat flies and things.
Trouble is,
they aren't
very smart.
They don't know
a fly from a girl.
I'm glad you noticed.
Well, I'll see
you around.
Uh...
How about
a swim tomorrow?
I can't. I mean...
I don't go out.
I forgot.
You're pure.
Untainted.
I used to be
when I was a baby.
Since then I've
been having fun.
Arrivederci.
Any time you feel like
getting a little tainted,
give me a holler.
DAD: Start hollering,
boy.[CHUCKLING]
They'll be tainting tonight
on the old camp ground.
Phew!
She's the girl
of my dreams.
[PLAYING CHEERY TUNE]
[BOTH CHUCKLING]
I knew the moment
I saw you,
you were a man
whose appetite
needed stimulation.
Well, now they have
been stimulated,
what may I
do for you?
I'm curious.
About what? Secrets.
I love secrets.
You want to
know a secret? Mmm-hmm.
I'm horribly rich. [MADAME LAUGHS]
Lovely!
Disgustingly rich.
Oh, tantalizing!
[LAUGHING]
I love to see you laugh.
Then open that
big rich mouth
of yours.
We're going
to have fun.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Oh, Commodore!
[LAUGHING]
Oh, oh! Shh!
We sneak up on 'em
very carefully and whamo!
No, no, we don't
dance now. Later.
And then the sand
hits them right
in the face.
Got it?
Come on.
Shh! Shh!
Tippy-toe, tippy-toe!
What is it?
I forgot what we do.
We are the Society
to Prevent Lovemaking
on Beaches.
SPLOB.
S-P-L-O-B.
The Society for the
Prevention of Speeches
on Lovemaking.
Er... Yes. Commodore,
come on, shh! Quiet now.
Splob! Splob! Stop. Come on!
[CHUCKLING]
This is nasty fun!
We've only begun
to splob.
Come on, come on!
Ah, good morning,
good morning,
my little pumpkin!
What on earth
are you doing?
[STUTTERING]
I'm turning my telescope
into a periscope.
Well, Mother has an
important engagement.
Bye-bye, little one.
Be good!
DAD: [SCOFFING]
That's like reminding
the sphinx to shut up!
Oh boy, for a
tidal wave now. Mmm!
Here she comes,
like a captured queen
bearing her
treasured offering.
I think the lady is
bringing lunch, sir.
Lunch! Don't
be so prosaic.
She's bringing
praise to Caesar.
MADAME: You weren't
so lonely yesterday.
I saw you with
that young thing,
you naughty boy.
[CHUCKLING]
Oh, that girl? Ohhh...
She was just
a fly by night.
Yeah, well, you don't
have to explain to me.
I... I must...
I want to.
I thought you invited
me out here to swim.
Ah, swimming, yes.
What a heavenly
diversion.
How gracefully
the salmon do it,
nosing their
way upstream
and leaping into places
to spawn, Madame.
Swimming is
delightful,
of course...
[GROWLS]
Madame, wait,
wait. Come back!
What did I say?
Come back!
You forgot
your dishes. Oh.
Oh, damn it!
DAD: He'd sure make
a lousy U-boat commander.
Oh, damn it,
Hawkins.
They keep
leaping overboard.
Yes, sir.
And this time,
it really hurt.
She's taken my
heart with her.
I'm sorry, sir.
Why do they do it?
And keep on doing it?
Why?
I think, sir,
that it's that old
salmon routine.
Hey!
If you don't mind
my saying so, sir,
it stinks.
Oh, good morning,
Madame Rosepettle. Save it. [SNAPS FINGERS]
Who's the woman
in the room above us?
206? Let me see...
The little hoochie-coocher.
Who pays her bills?
Oh, that's
Rosalie. Rosalie.
She's our babysitter.
Yes, she's the
hotel babysitter.
I thought you didn't allow
children in this hotel.
Quite so, but one
may slip through
now and then,
and Rosalie... I thought so.
I thought so.
Oh, it's nothing
like that, nothing... Save it.
Forget I was here.
Operator, this is
Madame Rosepettle.
Tell the manager
I'd like to have
the babysitter
come to 106 at
7:00 this evening.
Thank you.
Watch your son, Albert.
Watch him
with this harlot.
You'll see I've taken
every bit of you
out of him.
DAD: Well, don't throw
anything away, Mumsey.
He may need it later.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
[DOORBELL RINGS]
You can't come...
Come here,
you can't come in!
Come on!
Yes, I can.
Your mother
invited me.
She didn't. She did.
She did? Yes, she did.
Well, my mother's out.
She won't be back for hours.
So?
I don't understand.
You don't have
to understand.
Maybe it's
your birthday?
Maybe I'm your
birthday present.
DAD: Yeah. Your
birthday present.
Unwrap it.
Unwrap it!
Aw, unwrap it!
Say, um...
Don't you
ever go out?
I mean, sometimes
you simply must go out.
You just couldn't stay
inside all the time.
[CHUCKLING]
Could you?
Yes.
You mean... You mean,
you never go out at all?
I mean, never at all?
[SIGHING]
Sometimes, I go out
on the balcony
and I catch things
for the Venus Flytraps,
you know, the plant
that grabbed you
the other day.
Oh.
Mother says everyone
must have a, uh...
...vocation in life,
and I guess
that's my job.
I'm a Venus Flytrap feeder.
You know, I...
I don't think
I've ever met
anyone before
who's fed
Venus Flytraps.
Well, mother says
I'm pretty good at it.
I don't know if I am,
but it's what she says.
DAD: I don't think anything's
gonna happen for the next
four or five minutes.
In case you wanna get
some popcorn or something.
What do you
feed them?
Oh, well,
I feed them...
I feed them
lots of things.
Uh, green peas,
chicken feathers,
rubber bands.
They're not very fussy.
Mother says it gives me
a feeling of accomplishment.
Would you like
to see me feed them?
No! Um...
I... I don't like
to see things eat
chicken feathers
and rubber bands.
I eat hamburgers
three times a day.
Mother says
I shouldn't
be confused by...
By a lot of
different foods, so we...
So she chose...
[CHUCKLING]
Hamburgers, you know,
with ketchup. [SLURPING]
Lots of ketchup,
and really lots
and lots of ketchup.
[SLURPING]
And they're terribly red.
You know what
I still don't understand?
Why you
never go out. Well...
How can you
just sit inside
all the time?
I do other
interesting things.
You know, I do
other things. I...
What?Well,
when I'm on
the balcony, I...
I do other things. I...
What sort of things?
Huh?
You mean
spying on me?
Yes, you mean
looking at me through
that periscope thing.
No, I...
I don't have
a periscope!
I mean...
It's a telescope.
But it was a periscope.
And you saw me. Oh, no...
Yes, you... You might
have seen lots of me.
No. Maybe all of me.
Did you see
all of me?
No, listen, I use
the telescope to
look at airplanes. I...
Originally, I got
the lenses to
study my stamps
when mother suspected
that some of
the stamps
were fakes.
So far, I've discovered
I have three actual fakes.
Number 1,352,766.
Number 1,352,768
was a fake.
And they were
stuck together.
No! No, don't do that!
You don't even know me. But...
But I'm...
I want to know you.
But...
We're not friends.
We don't...
We don't share
a common interest.
[CHUCKLING] Oh, yes,
oh, yes, we do!
[WHISPERING]
Jonathan, kiss me.
Kiss me on the lips,
my big, red,
luscious, sexy,
ketchup-eating lips.
DAD: Go on, boy.
Make believe
it's a hamburger.
No!
DAD: All of a sudden,
he can't stand hamburger.
Just get out![LAUGHING]
What's the
matter with him?
[WHIMPERING]
Now, now, now,
now, now, now,
little one. Aw!
Who are you?
I am his mother. Oh. [SOBBING]
Well, harlot,
how much do
I owe you?
I'm not a harlot.
I'm not!
Don't call me that.
I'm a babysitter.
Besides you don't
owe me a thing.
Nothing happened.
Of course not.
I knew that.
Now get out.
Oh there, there,
little Jonathan.
Mummy's here. Yes.
That's my boy.
Mother's here
to look after you.
Why did you
invite me
here? Why?
Why did you
call on me? Hmm?
My little boy
seemed to have
an interest in you.
I got him
his fabulous
stamp collection,
his fantastic
coin collection,
his sensational library
and I got him you
for a little while
and you saw
what happened.
Oh, did I see
what happened!
Ooh! He's strange.
He is pure
and purity flees
from such as you.
He's... He's frustrated
and he's not normal.
Normal?
My Albert normal?Albert?
I thought his
name was Jonathan.
His name is
Albert or Edward
or anything I choose,
according to my mood.
His name is anything
that you don't call him.
Call him?
I call him?
You... You called me.
And now I'm telling
you to get out. Okay.
I'm going.
I don't wanna
stay, believe me.
There, there,
little one.
There my little... [WHIMPERING]
Good night, Jonathan.
[WHISPERING]
Edward, Albert.
MADAME: Just one moment.
Now, darling,
beddy-bye time.
Off we go.
One more item,
my sweet.
I saw you with
Commodore Roseabove
yesterday.
From now on,
he's off limits.
What?
I'm telling you
once and only once.
He is my property.
Who do you think
you are? Who?
I am the protector
of innocence,
the guardian of purity
and the destroyer
of cheap tawdry floozies
who get in my way!
Pleasant dreams.
We'll see.
We'll see.
[CLICKING]
[CLICKING]
[CLICKING]
[CLICKING]
DAD: Well, that's a start.
You look like a bunny.
Now let's find him one.
Great, kid.
They're wallet size!
Hey, don't waste 'em!
Throw 'em in the
closet with me!
How about that,
sports fans?
I guess one picture
is worth a thousand words.
And one girl is worth
a thousand pictures.
That's it, Johnny boy!
You've got the ball now
and you're gonna carry it
right down the field
and across the goal line.
Look at him go, fans.
They can't stop him.
What guts!
What daring!
He's at mid-field.
He's through the secondary
and still on his feet.
He's down to the 40,
he's down to the 30,
the 20, the 10.
He's gonna...
He's gonna... He's...
BREKENDUFF:
Good morning,
Mr. Rosepettle.
DAD: Hey, wait. Come back!
No, boy, no! You fool!
You're running
the wrong way.
Oh, no!
And it's a touchdown!
For mother.
[RINGING]
I'm not allowed to
talk on the phone!
[CONTINUES RINGING]
Stop ringing!
Please just stop ringing!
[CONTINUES RINGING]
I'm not allowed to
talk on the phone.
Ah, I haven't felt
like this for years.
It sounds like love.
Hmm. Feels like gas.
Hmm. Remarkable woman.
You were right, Moses.
No more chasing
after the young ones.
Now I've got what I want.
Good morning, Commodore.
Good morning, child.
"Child"?
[SCOFFING]
You age yourself
too much.
You look so
young today.
So virile.
So handsome.
Thank you, child.
Well...
Uh...
Commodore, I've
been thinking. Mmm-hmm?
So have I.
I think that we should
re-think our relationship.
Oh?
I wasn't aware
that there was
a relationship
to re-think.
Yes. That's just it.
Mmm-hmm.
We've been much too
cautious, darling. Mmm-hmm.
Little darling,
it'll all be
for the best.
No, no. We must
re-work everything.
We must
rekindle
the fire.
Oh, my darling!
What do you think?
No! I think I'll play
some billiards.
Oh! Uh...
I was hoping
we could go out
to the yacht
to swim upstream.
Well, uh,
late tonight,
I'll send for you.
Mmm! Why not now?
COMMODORE:
Well, I have to
practice some shots.
ROSALIE:
All right, all right.
I'll play billiards
with you then.
How do I do it?
Well, uh...
Is this right?
Not quite, no.
I see you're...
You're left-handed.Mmm.
No, you...
[BALLS CLATTERING]
The idea is
to put him
in a pocket.
That's how you
win the game.
COMMODORE: Ah, Madame.
Madame, I was just
showing the young lady
a trick shot.
Carry on.
But Madame, Madame,
I assure you,
it was purely
a demonstration.
Oh, silly man,
you needn't
explain to me.
It's a game,
something to while away
the afternoon.
Of course.
You need
your relaxation.
All work
and no play.
[CHUCKLING]
Ta-ta! But...
But I think
of the child as a...
As a daughter.
She turns to me
for help.
MADAME:
Such a wonderful man!
Oh, but you are
kind and dear
and dependable.
Toodle-oo! Toodle-oo!
I bought your father
a new coffin today.
Something
for the tropics.
I'm having it done
in Irish Linen with roses
filigreed on the edges.
Ah!Oh.
Are you ill?DAD: I am.
No. Well, then
what is it?
Nothing.
Oh. [LAUGHS]
Is it that... That...
That girl, that...
That thing?
No.
You've plenty of time
for girls.
You're only 25.
Yes, Mother.
Well, now, darling,
come here to mother.
How are
your hamburgers?
[EXCLAIMS]
Red.
Okay.
Mother, could I go
for a walk one day? Just...
Of course you can
go for a walk.
When we get
to Bora-Bora.
There's a nice path
along the water,
a nice shady path.
But that's
six months off.
Now, now, now, darling,
now, don't be restless.
You go play with
your stamp collection
or read a book.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
[CHUCKLING]
Now, Madame... [LAUGHS]
DAD: Love Finds Andy Hardy.
Just a couple
of crazy kids...
Hand in hand
and bunion to bunion.
What is it
you want?
I want you.
I've been going
crazy without you.
Oh, Madame,
let there be
me and you,
the sand, the moon...
Silly boy.
[BOTH CHUCKLING]
We've splobbed
other people.
Let us be the ones
to be splobbed.
You mean you want to
neck on the beach?
[CHUCKLING]
[MADAME WHOOPING]
Hi.
Dad.
Dad, I want to
talk to you.
Uh, at you.
As... Well,
you realize by now,
you're dead.
And since you are,
I just wondered,
how would you
like to be buried?
In some swell place
where there are lots
of trees and flowers,
and I... I could come
to visit you, and...
You don't have to
answer right away.
I'm seriously considering
getting married...
And... And if...
If you were
settled some place
and I...
I could come
to see you...
Well, you have to admit,
it's a thought.
DAD: The boy
really loves me.
He wants to
see me buried,
bless his heart.
[ROSALIE SCREAMS] Ow!
What are you doing
out of your room?
MAN: Who's he? Jonathan.
MAN: Where
do you come from?
[STUTTERING] 106.
I come from 106,
right up there.
MAN: I think he's nuts.
No, he's not!
Jonathan, you escaped.
Oh, that was
very brave!
I slipped.
I was trying to
do my yogi.
MAN: Well, you sure picked
a lousy time to do it.
See you later,
Rosalie.
What were you
doing down here?
I, uh...
Well, uh... We...
We were looking for
four-leaf clover.
Harold, that's my friend,
he's a four-leaf
clover collector.
They're very rare.
You... You have
many interests.
Yeah.
I have many
varied interests too.
That's why
I don't have any time
because I'm so busy.
That's why, uh...
I don't go out.
Oh, but you're out.
You're out now!
Look, Jonathan,
you're outside.
Yes, I am.
I slipped.
Oh!
No, no, don't worry.
I'll take care of you.
I love you.
I love you.
[WALTZ MUSIC PLAYING]
Madame...
Ah, I have waited
for this moment.
To hold you in my arms
and feel your heart
beating against mine.
Mmm, yours seems
to be beating rather fast.
Do you think you can
take this waltz?
It will take
a waltz, a tango,
anything for you.
[GIGGLING]
Well, then, shall we waltz
right up to my place
and test it?
Ah!
Oh.
[SNAPPING FINGERS]
[PLAYING MELLOW TUNE]
[MADAME LAUGHING]
[MADAME SIGHING]
[MADAME CHUCKLING]
You devastate me.
[CHUCKLING] I try.
[PLAYING ROMANTIC TUNE]
What's this?
This holds my secrets.
I'm reciprocating
for yours.
I always pay back.
There isn't a man,
living or dead,
who hasn't been
rewarded by having
known me.
When shall I
get my reward?
It's imminent,
my dear Commodore.
But you don't want
to rush it.
I do, I do. I love you.
[CORK POPPING]
Aw... [CHUCKLING]
Of course you do.
But first we're going to
look at what love can do.
I warn you, my Commodore,
what you're going to see
may shock you.
Dear lady,
I am a man
of the world.
I have seen and heard
things that would bug
the eyes out of statues.
I have tasted
every pleasure,
and witnessed
the foulest of deeds,
depravities and perversions.
It was sweet of you
to think you
could shock me.
It's virtually impossible.
[LAUGHING]
Well said.
You must be thirsty. Of course.
And now we shall begin.
DAD: I think I'll let
Madame DeMille
do all the talking
during this
little masterpiece.
Besides, I want to
take a look at myself.
MADAME: I retained
my innocence much longer
than other girls.
At 28, I was
still a virgin.
And fast on my feet.
But I wasn't ignorant.
No, Commodore.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR] I studied men
in my spare time.
And I knew that
outside my door,
the world was
waiting eagerly
to devour those
who trust in it.
[KNOCKING CONTINUES]
One unfortunate day,
however,
I let down my guard.
His name was
Albert Edward Robinson
Rosepettle the Third.
He had the world's
smallest eyes.
He was also
short of breath.
Or maybe it was
the scent of my innocence
that overwhelmed him.
[TRUMPETING]
We seemed made
for each other. [BABY CRYING]
I was shy,
he was outgoing.
[CRYING LOUDLY]
I was poor,
he was rich.
Oh, he wasn't
really in the
Salvation Army.
That was just part
of his playfulness.
All in all,
I thought I'd finally
found Mister Right.
And so...
With all of Albert's
friends attending,
we were married.
I started life at
the Rosepettle mansion,
thinking the aroma
came from the quaint
old furnishings.
Until our wedding dinner
was served.
I had also thought,
Commodore,
that Albert
was different
from other men.
But under the hypocrisy
of that smile,
he was on
the same track,
chasing the
same rabbit.
And then... [SNORING]
After he had taken
my most valued possession,
there he was.
A little food,
a little sex,
and he was snoring
his satisfaction.
His little mind
dreaming wild
and sinful fantasies
that were written
all over his face.
[SNAPPING FINGERS]
I moved out of his
bedroom that very night,
but it was already too late.
Albert couldn't
tie his shoes
without fumbling.
He missed his mouth
with half of his food.
And yet,
like some mad
kamikaze pilot
who'd been saved
for one deadly mission,
he got me pregnant.
After that, Commodore,
he tried all sorts
of foolish ways
to lure me back
into his bed.
He assumed
exotic poses,
hoping to titillate
my senses.
[EXCLAIMING IN PAIN]
He even
baited his trap
with mink.
But the coat
reeked of sauerkraut.
He finally gave up.
With me, anyway.[DOORBELL RINGING]
Instead,
he brought in
a French maid.
Or at least she wore
a maid's uniform.
And we lived a not
unpleasant year that way.
Albert becoming so busy
with domestic duties that
he quite forgot me.
[MAID GIGGLING]
One afternoon,
he came home
to read the paper.
[CHUCKLES]
I guess his club
must've burned down.
Since I hadn't
bothered to tell him
about the baby...
[BABY CRYING]
It came as quite
a surprise to him.
[BABY CRYING]
[STAMMERING]
The fellow who plays
your husband, Albert,
he's a pretty good actor.
An actor? [CHUCKLING]
That is Albert.
The indelicate part
comes next.
The Other Woman,
I suppose that's what
you'd call her,
indulged Albert
in sports, both outdoor,
and indoor.
As for me,
I was a mother now.
And I devoted myself
to raising my son,
and taking care of
the house and garden.
Frankly, Commodore,
I was much happier
in the kitchen
than I'd been
in the bedroom.
My only desire
was to keep my child
as far away
from his father
as possible.
Unfortunately,
on occasion, Albert
would try to interfere,
arousing my
maternal instinct,
and I felt compelled
to fight back.
Under the circumstances,
you'll appreciate
how difficult it was
to teach my child
proper table manners.
Meanwhile, back
in the bedroom,
Albert, like all other men,
was hotly pursuing his fate.
[WHISTLES]
By the way, Commodore,
I wasn't jealous.
Merely curious
as to what she could
possibly see
in that lecherous buffoon.
But somehow,
as you can observe,
they did seem to have
a lot in common.
Remarkable.
Photography.
MADAME: The next morning,
we were all in
for a little surprise.
[INAUDIBLE]
Albert's appetite was
just too much for him.
I guess his eyes
were bigger
than his stomach.
One of life's perfect
little jokes, I would say.
Wouldn't you, Commodore?
DAD: Well, now you've
seen her version
of our wedded life.
Someday,
I'll show you mine.
If I can ever
get it away
from the censors.
They're crazy about it!
What are you
doing down there?
Are you proposing?
DAD: No, he's praying
for the French maid's
phone number.
Come, come,
my hearty Commodore,
we can't go
through life
like some peculiar
quadruped, hmm?
But...
He was so young.
He still is.
I saved him
from old age,
and I'll do the same,
the very same for you.
Hmm? No, no.
[CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY]
Thank you, dear lady.
I'm all right as I am.
I'd best be going.
MADAME: So you'd
rather be lonely.
Well, go on,
go on, go on, go on.
Go and start
your childish search
again for happiness.
Go back to your miserable
and empty little affairs
with cheap harlots.
[NERVOUSLY]
No, Madame, please.
You are perfectly
right in wanting
to escape me.
You have every
reason to leave.
You think I'm responsible
for Albert's death,
don't you?
You think I was
a poor wife.
Perhaps I was.
I understand,
my dear Commodore.
You go now.
Go back to your
fun and games.
[CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY]
Madame, I...
I assure you,
I... I had no
intention of, uh...
I know, I know, I know.
How could you love me?
COMMODORE:
But I do love you.
MADAME: Oh, no,
you don't.
Well, damm it, I do!
I don't believe you,
Commodore.
[STAMMERING]
What can I do to
make you believe me?
What can I do?
You mean you still
love me after
what you've seen?
More so.
He was a rotten scoundrel
and he deserved to die.
I really love you.
Say it again.
With feeling! I love you.
Come on, my Commodore,
then take me, take me.
[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
DAD: I don't blame you, kid,
it wasn't even a talkie.
Go on, boy, go on.
Let off a little steam.
Yeah, let 'em get
their own flies.
And they can get
their own cats.
Goodbye,
security blanket,
hello, nylons.
Jonathan, what
have you done?
Jonathan...
What have you done?
Did you hurt
yourself?
I killed them.
Your mother too?
You killed your mother?
Her...things.
You sure made
a mess around here.
Here, Jonathan,
look at my dress.
Jonathan, guess
why I'm wearing
such a pretty new dress.
She says such
bad things about you.
She says you do
things with men.
Do you?
Jonathan,
come away with me.
[SIGHING DEEPLY]
Let's run away, Jonathan,
far away, tonight.
Both of us together.
Let's run and run,
far, far away.
Oh, you do!
[SOBBING]
Oh, you do!
Jonathan, I...
I won't lie to you.
First of all,
I love you.
Before, I loved
a lot of people,
but only a little.
I just wish that I'd been
a concert pianist instead,
then you would
understand better.
Jonathan, pretend that
I'm a concert pianist.
I'm playing
a beautiful concerto,
and making people happy.
What concerto
do you like, Jonathan?
Grieg's.
Yes, I'm playing
Grieg's Concerto.
In A minor.
What difference
does it make?
"What difference
does it make?"
It makes a lot
of difference
because if
you were playing
Grieg's Concerto
in B flat, you'd make
a lot of people unhappy,
because Grieg's Concerto
was in A minor!
All right, I'm playing
Grieg's Concerto
in A minor
and a lot of people
are very happy.
They're happy because
I'm playing in A minor
and they're also happy
because I'm playing it
beautifully.
Now, as a concert pianist
who has just come
to your room
immediately after playing
Grieg's Concerto,
will you go away
with me?
DAD: [WHISPERING]
Why not, boy?
Go now. Pay later.
I can't.
No... I... I can't.
I mean, I want to
go away with you,
but I'm afraid.
Yeah.
What time will
your mother be back?
DAD: Mmm, here's a girl
after my own heart.
Not for a while.
[STUTTERING] This is
my mother's bedroom
and we're not, uh...
[SLURRING SLEEPILY]
Oh, what a comfortable bed.
Uh... You better
get off the bed.
I think I'll take a nap.
This is my mother's room
and we're not
allowed to be here.
[HUMMING]
Jonathan...
I'll come out
if you give me
something first.
What are you
going to give me?
DAD: Don't miss
the answer
to this one, son.
A... A book.
I'll... I'll go
get a book.
DAD: I don't believe it!
Chapter one is
"Down the Rabbit Hole.
"Alice..."
Let me...
Let me read it.
"Alice, you see,
was beginning
to get very tired
"of sitting
by her sister
on the bank,
"and of having
nothing to do.
"Once or twice
she had peeped
into the book
"her sister was reading
but it had no..."
Come on, Jonathan,
I want to show you
something.
What... What is it
you want to show me?
Come on, sit down.
No, um...
I'm okay here.
Listen, I can't show you
if you don't sit down.
[SIGHING LOUDLY]
Do you want to
read the book?
Yes.All right... No...
Jonathan.
I love you, Jonathan,
and I want you now.
I want you, Jonathan.
I won't give you up.
Do you want me
to explain the story
about Alice?
Forget about the book,
and look at me.
Look at my eyes,
my mouth,
my hands,
my legs.
Look at me, Jonathan.
Are you still afraid?
No, I'm not afraid.
No! I'm afraid.
DAD: It's all right,
sweetheart.
Take your time.
What's a few
more minutes
when he's been
waiting 25 years?
Come, Jonathan.
Lie with me.
Let me show you
how beautiful it is.
Everything will
be wonderful.
DAD: Sorry, son,
I slipped on a mothball.
[EXCLAIMING IN SHOCK]
Who the hell is this?
[STAMMERING] It's...
[PANTING]
What a stupid place
to keep a corpse.
It's all right.
Everything's fine again.
DAD: Forget it,
you crazy fool,
you're dead. Dead!
Oh! That's my father.
Jonathan, stop looking
at him, he's dead.
Look at me, I'm alive.
Stop, just stop.
My mother was right.
You're... You're dirty.
No, I'm not dirty.
I'm full of love
and womanly feelings.
I renounce all
my past lovers,
Jonathan.
I confess my indiscretions.
I ask your forgiveness.
Now you know all,
so I'm pure again.
Take off
your clothes. No. But my father...
Forget about
your father.
Drop your pants on him,
then you won't see his face.
Listen, but my mother...
No, forget about
your mother.
She's gone.
Yeah. Yes.
Forget them both
and look at me.
Yes. Yes.
Oh, Jonathan,
love is so beautiful.
Yes.
Yeah.
Now...
[SEDUCTIVELY]
Come, Jonathan.
Lie down.
Come...
You'll be all mine.
Lie down.
Let me show you
how beautiful it is...
[GIGGLING SEDUCTIVELY]
Love!
DAD: No, no,
that's not the way!
I can't look!
No, boy, no.
Cut it out!
Stop it! Stop it,
I tell you. Stop it!
...I take thee,
Madame, to be
my lawful wedded wife.
And I take thee,
Commodore.
And so, by my authority
as Captain of
the high seas,
I declare this marriage
valid and it be entered
in the log.
I therefore
pronounce us mad.
I mean, man and wife.
I must be going.But, Madame...
Oh, to tell Jonathan
the good news.
I'll be back
later this morning
and we'll sail away.
But Madame, our toast.
Hawkins! Yes, sir?
Do I look sick?
I'm sorry, sir,
but Madame has
restricted that kind
of information.
If the Commodore
wishes to know
if it's a nice day,
a hot day,
or a cloudy day,
I'm at liberty
to tell him.
All other questions
will be referred
to Madame.
[GLASS SHATTERING]
Darling heart!
My little curmudgeon! Jon...
My fish! My plants!
Jonathan!
Jonathan!
Jonathan, where are you?
[JONATHAN STAMMERING]
All right, Robinson.
This whole place
is a mess.
Lying on my bed
is a girl,
and I do believe
she has stopped breathing.
And you haven't eaten
your hamburger.
Now I ask you, Edward,
as a mother to a son,
I ask you, what is
the meaning of this?
Jonathan!
Oh! Damn you, Albert.
Hello! Anybody in?
Huh?
MADAME:
Edward! Edward!
Jonathan,
Jonathan, wait!
You haven't heard
the good news!
Mother's got something
nice to tell you!
Madame! I think
you should know...
Does anybody know?
Jonathan is all upset.
I think you should
have a talk with him.
After all, you're one
of his fathers.
Jonathan.
Er... Edward!
Edward!
Jonathan!
Jonathan! Jonathan!
Madame!
Jonathan, come back!
Come back or I'll
tell your fathers!
Edward! Edward!
Edward!
Edward, stop!
Wait, darling!
Darling, it's mother!
Listen...
Jonathan! Edward!
You haven't even had
your breakfast!
Madame!
What's happened?
I want to talk to you!
MADAME: Mother's getting
a little tired, Jonathan!
Listen to me!
Woman! Damn it!
MADAME: Darling,
we'll make it
a cheeseburger,
a cheeseburger with
relish and pickles!
DAD: Well, she finally
flipped her wig. Jonathan!
Jonathan!
Jonathan! Help me!
Edward!
You can even
take a new name.
DAD: And how
about this, gang?
He's finally
cutting the cord.
MADAME: Jonathan!
Oh, my poor boy,
you can't swim.
I can't swim.
Thank you, Mother.
Albert!
Save Jonathan,
he's gone under!
Madame, I can't swim.
Don't change the subject.
Jump in the water.
What's the matter?
I feel terribly ill.
Oh, shut up!
Seriously ill.
[ETHEREAL MUSIC PLAYING]
DAD: Well, all's well
that ends well.
The Commodore is
in the second coffin
with Rosalie in his arms.
You see, boy gets girl.
Yes, boy gets girl
and they're riding off
together into the sunset.
I love happy endings myself.
I think everybody does.
All these movies today,
so downbeat, depressing,
who needs 'em?
Right, gang?
[STUTTERING] Mother,
do you think I can have
Rosalie in my room?
Of course, darling,
it'll be nice
for you to have
someone to talk to.
I love you, Mother!
Of course you do.
And there isn't anything
I wouldn't do for you, son.
After all, what's
a mother for?
DAD: You see
what I mean, gang?
What we had here
was a simple little tale
of a mother's love
for her son.
Clean, wholesome,
a family-type picture
like... LikeBambi,
Dumbo,
Mondo Cane.
[CHEERY SONG PLAYING]
Oh! Hi there, gang.
Hurry it up there,
will you, Mac?
I'm goin' as
fast as I can.
Believe me,
whether you're
down there
or up here,
when it comes
to repairs,
it's all the same.
[GRUNTS]
Now let me tell you
about my wife,
who's down there
right now
with our son.
Boy, if she isn't
a dandy. Mmm!
And talk about
mean. Phew!
And cold!
Boy!
Why, her heart
is so cold,
you could make
a meat-locker
out of her chest.
She used to bug me
and I used to bug her.
She used to
call me Fatso.
That's when
I used to drink
a whole quart of lard
right in front of her.
Yeah, she really
bugged me. She finally
bugged me to death.
I mean, literally.
Now she's
down there
with our son
and what she's doing to him,
you just wouldn't believe.
I know one thing,
I've got to get
down there.
Get my hands
in things.
Or he'll be
spreading wings
down there
long before
he gets 'em
up here.
Not that I have
anything against
wings, understand.
As long as
they work.
Okay, okay,
they'll work.
You just can't
rush these things,
that's all.
As I started
to say, what I...
Here, you wanna
finish this?
Thanks, Mac.
Just don't tell
the boss it's a
real Havana, huh?
Now, what I gotta do
is go down there
and help that kid.
Give him a chance
to live a little.
Like his old man
used to.
Lots of luck!
DAD: Well, there they are,
my kid and my wife,
in her best Sunday fangs.
Now that may look
like a plane to you,
but it's a witch
on her broom to me.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
[CHEERY SONG PLAYING]
DAD: That's me.
Look at the part I get.
There's the kid. [BLEATING]
[LAUGHING]
Just puttin' ya on.
Halt!
DAD: And there
she is, my opponent.
In an old suit Prince Valiant
used to wear to funerals.
My good man,
where is my hotel?
There's certainly
no hotel on the runway.
We have not
had a hotel
on the runway
for over...
Oh, three weeks
now. [CHUCKLES]
Not humorous.
No.
And landing without
permission is
not humorous!
You have holes
in your runway.
Jonathan,
make a note.
Get his name
and sue him
for, er... 10,000.
You made me
break one of my
false fingernails.
I had them done
in Calcutta
with ground
yak powder.
Very expensive.
I'm not interested.
Right now,
we are not
in Calcutta
and we have
some formalities
to endure like...
Customs.
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
[MARCHING DRUMBEAT]
[WHISTLING A TUNE]
Well, now, have you
anything to declare?
No. Nothing. Nothing?
There seems to be
an abundance of nothing,
Miss, uh... Missus...
Madame.
Madame.
It's my name,
not my profession.
Madame Rosepettle.
This is my son, Jonathan.
DAD: That's my boy.
Kinda grabs you, don't it?
You can see,
he's a real swinger.
Wait till he
brings out his yo-yo.
MADAME: He takes down
the names of all those
I intend to sue,
hate, send to prison,
and execute.
You must be
very busy.
He'll be busier
if we don't get
out of here soon.
All right.
We will forget
these other items...
...and start with this.
Now this
is a coffin.
What a clever man.
A regular Charlie Chan.
And in coffins there
are usually dead people. A genius.
And if there's
a dead person
in this coffin,
you cannot come
into our country.
MADAME: Listen, you usher!
My attorneys have
been over this
thing thoroughly.
My husband and I
have traveled
all over the world
in this fashion.
[WHISPERS]
Your husband!
Oh, Madame!
I'm deeply sorry!
Save it.
He's been dead
for years.
Dead for years?
But how is that possible?
I don't understand.
I mean, the... [ENGINE STARTS]
I had him stuffed.
[CHEERY SONG PLAYING]
[HORN HOOTING MUSICALLY]
The Valhalla Nirvana
says... Welcome.
And Madame Rosepettle says...
Why was no one
at the airport
to meet me?
Madame Rosepettle!
But you weren't
supposed to arrive
till this afternoon.
I'm so sorry.
Wasn't supposed
to arrive!
Now, who are you
to tell me when
I should arrive?
On whose authority
do you presume
to tell me when
I should arrive?
But we have your telegram.
It says you will
arrive this afternoon.
Do you know
what time it
is in Karachi?
Well, do you?
No, I'm afraid not.
You should be afraid
to be afraid not.
Jonathan, tell
him what time
it is in Karachi.
[REPLIES IN HINDI]
MADAME: In Tokyo.
[REPLIES IN JAPANESE]
In China.
Uh, which dialect? Cantonese.
[REPLIES IN MOCK CANTONESE]
And you quibble
about morning
and afternoon.
My good man,
your time is up.
Jonathan, take a note.
Have him sent
to the North Pole.
He won't be so finicky
about morning
and afternoon up there.
Madame jests.
The boy is
quite a linguist.
Now, may I show
you to your suite?
Unload Madame Rosepettle's
luggage.
Ooh, this way,
if you please.
DAD: Guess you're wondering
how we kinda got together.
Well, it's a tender story.
I was walking
through the forest.
And there she was.
I took a thorn
out of her paw.
And she was grateful.
Well, here it is.
Here what is?Your suite,
it's our best.
A sweeping view
of the water
crowned with
tropical vegetation,
fit for a queen.
What are you
getting at?
Well, I was only
trying to explain
the magnificent
advantages... Quit gushing.
Well, Jonathan,
how do you like it?
[SNIFFING]
He's very sensitive
about rooms.
He's extremely
intelligent.
Of course.
Well, darling?
I...
DAD: That's tellin' her, kid.
He likes it.
Ah!
Now then...
Here... Here is
the little lad's room.
This is where
you sleep,
little one.
Isn't it pretty?
Thank you, Mummy. Never call me "Mummy"!
DAD: How about Godzilla?
I am not a "Mummy".
I am Mother.
DAD: Tear your heart out?
She will. Mother.
DAD: By the roots.
Say it.
Mother.
[STUTTERING]
Thank you, Mother.
He's very well-behaved. Yes.
A firm but
gentle hand.
I hope I have
my own bathroom.
Such a pleasure to
see a young gentleman
so well brought up.
Madame is pleased?
Madame is wondering
what is to be
done about that
vulgar shaft
of sunlight.
Madame is certain
that her instructions
included a black
velvet drape
over every window
in her room.
Oh, the boys
haven't put
it up yet.
See that they do.
Soon!
Except for that,
it's quite
a nice room.
Rather...
Comforting.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
MADAME: Well!
It's about time.
Put it in
the bedroom.
Gently, gently, gently.
No, no, no,
not there.
By the bed.
Perfectly all right.
It's my husband.
Oh, he's been
dead for years.
Well, if there's anything
any of you require,
please don't
hesitate to
call on me.
[DOOR CLOSES]
What are you
seeing, little one?
[STUTTERING]
Nothing. Just boats.
Not boats,
Jonathan.
Yachts.
Poor people
look at boats.
We look at yachts.
Commodore! You said
we would come out
here to swim.
Yes, swimming,
what a lovely diversion.
[LAUGHING MISCHIEVOUSLY]
Yes, the back stroke,
the side stroke,
the breast stroke.
Ah, swimming, yes.
How graceful
the salmon leap
upstream and spawn.
But we're not salmon,
Mister Roseabove!
No, no, no,
but perhaps
we can swim
and maybe spawn.
Uh, I don't
wanna spawn.
I wanna swim. Hey!
No, no, no.
No, wait, wait!
Oh, hold it!
Damn it!
He loves to spy.
Don't you?
Now, don't you?
[TITTERING]
[LAUGHING] Aw!
[COMMODORE LAUGHING]
Yes, the back...
Ha! The mommy
salmon needs help
and here's the daddy
salmon coming to
her assistance.
Ahoy there! Ahhh!
Whoa! Hold it. Whoa!
That's one of
the cutest yachts
I have ever seen.
Wouldn't that be nice
for our little family? [DOOR OPENS]
BELLBOYS:
We're back, Madame.
MADAME: Ah!
We're about
to unveil
our treasures.
All right.
Case number...
Jonathan,
pay attention.
Case number one.
Oh, my darlings!
These are piranhas.
They eat human flesh.
Unfortunately,
we must compromise.
These fish like
Siamese cats
and I want
Siamese cats
for them.
Do you comprehend?
And don't try to
sneak in some
inferior breed.
Next case.
Robinson, my boy,
your fabulous
stamp collection.
Thank you. Ah!
Take it to my
little one's bedroom.
Now, boys,
watch this.
His fantastic
coin collection.
And now, darling, your
sensational library.
[MADAME CHUCKLING]
My little bookworm.
[BOTH TITTERING]
Out! You two.
Continue, my son. [DOOR CLOSES]
[STUTTERING]
My sensational library...
DAD: Some sensational library.
Snow White
and the Seven Dwarfs,
Charlie, the Little Choo-Choo,
and a censored version of
Alice In Wonderland. Ah!
Enough! And now
for my treat,
my Venus Flytraps.
Put them on
the balcony.
Not too
close together.
They fight.
BOTH: Will that
be all, Madame?
All except one thing.
Which one of you
has failed to seal
the window
in my bedroom?
BOTH: We have the drape
in the hall, Madame.
Get it.
I expressly asked
that every window
be covered.
I cannot have
sunlight come
into my chamber.
I am in mourning. "...down the
rabbit hole."
You realize
that this bit
of inefficiency
has cost the
lot of you any
future tips.
Black is the color of
my true love's boudoir.
Jonathan,
come help me
hang your father
in the closet.
DAD: Let Mumsey
do it herself, son.
It is my fondest wish
to give her a hernia.
You'd think you'd
learn by now.
Learn what?
I go there to
go swimming...
That horrible
fish routine starts.
[SCOFFS]
My fish routine,
as you call it,
has hooked me
many a treasure.
Commodore,
tell me the truth. Hmm?
If I didn't jump
overboard every day,
if I stayed,
and I fell
for that line
and didn't swim,
what would happen?
Why, it would
spoil all my fun,
wouldn't it?
Yes, exactly.
So why go
through it?
Why don't we
just be friends,
like a grandfather
and granddaughter?
Grandfather?
Father
and daughter? Oh!
Uncle and niece?
It all sounds
immoral to me.
And you don't
want to be
a dirty old man
for the rest
of your life,
do you?
I'm not old.
No, no.
No, no, no.
Oh, waiter. Yes, Madame?
I have some
instructions for you.
In my room there
is a little boy.
He will take
all of his
meals there.
Each of his meals
consists of the
same thing.
Get your pencil.
The room is 106.
For breakfast,
lunch and dinner,
he will have one
hamburger, well-done,
with catsup.
One glass of milk,
and for dessert...
DAD: Send up a broad. ...one maraschino cherry.
You will deliver these
items at 8:00 a.m...DAD: Make it two.
...12:00 noon,
and 6:00 p.m.
You will not
converse with him,
nor smile, nor touch,
nor raise an eyebrow.
Do you understand? Yes, Madame.
Then hop it.
[KISSING]
What about
Lady Crookeshaft?[CHOKING]
Oh, yes.
She's oversexed
and over 70.
No, I think I'll
up me anchor and find
some place fresh.
And where
would that be?
Maybe the
Virgin Islands.
There you go,
thinking young again.
Well, damn it,
where can I find
something mature
and in good
working order?
[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING]
Commodore Roseabove,
I presume?
You know me? [CHUCKLING]
Do I know Rolls-Royce,
Steinway, Dom Perignon?
The Commodore
is too modest.
You have me at
a disadvantage,
dear lady.
May I please,
ask your name?
My name is
Madame Rosepettle.
Madame.
Yes, please
join me.
I was just telling
Moses here,
how I longed to
see a lovely woman
and now fate has
brought me someone
beyond my dreams.
Well, you might
call It fate.
And just think,
Commodore Roseabove,
we won't even have to
change our monograms.
[SCREAMS]
Hello.
What are you doing?
I'm doing my yogi.
I do it every night
before dinner.
It stimulates me.
DAD: Didn't think
I could do it, did you?
Well, there's the dessert.
Upside down cake.
Isn't it kinda
dangerous?
[LAUGHS]
No, it's stimulating.
Hey, you're kinda cute.
What's your name?
I said, what's your name?
My real name?
Of course.
DAD: You're doin' fine, boy.
She's walkin' right
into your trap.
Hey, you shouldn't...
You shouldn't
be here. I'll...
My mother's due back
and I'm not allowed
to talk to strangers.
Why, if you tell me
your name, we won't
be strangers.
My name is Rosalie.
I... I saw you today.
Yes.
I... I saw you
swimming and...
And I saw you
with an older man.
What's your name? Jonathan.
Jonathan Rosepettle.
Really, Jonathan
Rosepettle the Third.
There wasn't any Second,
but my mother thought
it would be more
distinguished to be
Jonathan Rosepettle
the Third than...
DAD: How about getting to work
on Jonathan the Fourth, hmm?
Why? Why?
I don't know why.
It's what it's what she...
It's what she told me.
Hey... Hey, look,
you better go.
She's due back
and I'm not supposed
to talk to people. Why?
Why?
Every time I say why,
you say why. Why?
Well, why? There! You
did it again.
Ma'am, please.
Rosalie.
I'm your neighbor.
Rosalie.
Rosalie, look,
please go.
I mean, I'm not
supposed to
talk to people.
I asked you
why and you
haven't told me.
If you tell me,
maybe I'll go.Well...
Do you have some sort
of infectious disease?
No.
Are you some
sort of monk?
No.
Are you crazy?
No. Then what is it?
I'm pure.
Pure.
Pure!
Oh!
And I'm also a genius.
Oh! Genius.
[PLANT GROWLING] [SCREAMS]
Help! Get this
thing off me!
Stop, stop.
Stop! Get off her.
[SNARLING]
Bad, bad, bad, bad.
What are those plants?
Oh, uh, they're
Venus Flytraps.
They eat flies and things.
Trouble is,
they aren't
very smart.
They don't know
a fly from a girl.
I'm glad you noticed.
Well, I'll see
you around.
Uh...
How about
a swim tomorrow?
I can't. I mean...
I don't go out.
I forgot.
You're pure.
Untainted.
I used to be
when I was a baby.
Since then I've
been having fun.
Arrivederci.
Any time you feel like
getting a little tainted,
give me a holler.
DAD: Start hollering,
boy.[CHUCKLING]
They'll be tainting tonight
on the old camp ground.
Phew!
She's the girl
of my dreams.
[PLAYING CHEERY TUNE]
[BOTH CHUCKLING]
I knew the moment
I saw you,
you were a man
whose appetite
needed stimulation.
Well, now they have
been stimulated,
what may I
do for you?
I'm curious.
About what? Secrets.
I love secrets.
You want to
know a secret? Mmm-hmm.
I'm horribly rich. [MADAME LAUGHS]
Lovely!
Disgustingly rich.
Oh, tantalizing!
[LAUGHING]
I love to see you laugh.
Then open that
big rich mouth
of yours.
We're going
to have fun.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Oh, Commodore!
[LAUGHING]
Oh, oh! Shh!
We sneak up on 'em
very carefully and whamo!
No, no, we don't
dance now. Later.
And then the sand
hits them right
in the face.
Got it?
Come on.
Shh! Shh!
Tippy-toe, tippy-toe!
What is it?
I forgot what we do.
We are the Society
to Prevent Lovemaking
on Beaches.
SPLOB.
S-P-L-O-B.
The Society for the
Prevention of Speeches
on Lovemaking.
Er... Yes. Commodore,
come on, shh! Quiet now.
Splob! Splob! Stop. Come on!
[CHUCKLING]
This is nasty fun!
We've only begun
to splob.
Come on, come on!
Ah, good morning,
good morning,
my little pumpkin!
What on earth
are you doing?
[STUTTERING]
I'm turning my telescope
into a periscope.
Well, Mother has an
important engagement.
Bye-bye, little one.
Be good!
DAD: [SCOFFING]
That's like reminding
the sphinx to shut up!
Oh boy, for a
tidal wave now. Mmm!
Here she comes,
like a captured queen
bearing her
treasured offering.
I think the lady is
bringing lunch, sir.
Lunch! Don't
be so prosaic.
She's bringing
praise to Caesar.
MADAME: You weren't
so lonely yesterday.
I saw you with
that young thing,
you naughty boy.
[CHUCKLING]
Oh, that girl? Ohhh...
She was just
a fly by night.
Yeah, well, you don't
have to explain to me.
I... I must...
I want to.
I thought you invited
me out here to swim.
Ah, swimming, yes.
What a heavenly
diversion.
How gracefully
the salmon do it,
nosing their
way upstream
and leaping into places
to spawn, Madame.
Swimming is
delightful,
of course...
[GROWLS]
Madame, wait,
wait. Come back!
What did I say?
Come back!
You forgot
your dishes. Oh.
Oh, damn it!
DAD: He'd sure make
a lousy U-boat commander.
Oh, damn it,
Hawkins.
They keep
leaping overboard.
Yes, sir.
And this time,
it really hurt.
She's taken my
heart with her.
I'm sorry, sir.
Why do they do it?
And keep on doing it?
Why?
I think, sir,
that it's that old
salmon routine.
Hey!
If you don't mind
my saying so, sir,
it stinks.
Oh, good morning,
Madame Rosepettle. Save it. [SNAPS FINGERS]
Who's the woman
in the room above us?
206? Let me see...
The little hoochie-coocher.
Who pays her bills?
Oh, that's
Rosalie. Rosalie.
She's our babysitter.
Yes, she's the
hotel babysitter.
I thought you didn't allow
children in this hotel.
Quite so, but one
may slip through
now and then,
and Rosalie... I thought so.
I thought so.
Oh, it's nothing
like that, nothing... Save it.
Forget I was here.
Operator, this is
Madame Rosepettle.
Tell the manager
I'd like to have
the babysitter
come to 106 at
7:00 this evening.
Thank you.
Watch your son, Albert.
Watch him
with this harlot.
You'll see I've taken
every bit of you
out of him.
DAD: Well, don't throw
anything away, Mumsey.
He may need it later.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
[DOORBELL RINGS]
You can't come...
Come here,
you can't come in!
Come on!
Yes, I can.
Your mother
invited me.
She didn't. She did.
She did? Yes, she did.
Well, my mother's out.
She won't be back for hours.
So?
I don't understand.
You don't have
to understand.
Maybe it's
your birthday?
Maybe I'm your
birthday present.
DAD: Yeah. Your
birthday present.
Unwrap it.
Unwrap it!
Aw, unwrap it!
Say, um...
Don't you
ever go out?
I mean, sometimes
you simply must go out.
You just couldn't stay
inside all the time.
[CHUCKLING]
Could you?
Yes.
You mean... You mean,
you never go out at all?
I mean, never at all?
[SIGHING]
Sometimes, I go out
on the balcony
and I catch things
for the Venus Flytraps,
you know, the plant
that grabbed you
the other day.
Oh.
Mother says everyone
must have a, uh...
...vocation in life,
and I guess
that's my job.
I'm a Venus Flytrap feeder.
You know, I...
I don't think
I've ever met
anyone before
who's fed
Venus Flytraps.
Well, mother says
I'm pretty good at it.
I don't know if I am,
but it's what she says.
DAD: I don't think anything's
gonna happen for the next
four or five minutes.
In case you wanna get
some popcorn or something.
What do you
feed them?
Oh, well,
I feed them...
I feed them
lots of things.
Uh, green peas,
chicken feathers,
rubber bands.
They're not very fussy.
Mother says it gives me
a feeling of accomplishment.
Would you like
to see me feed them?
No! Um...
I... I don't like
to see things eat
chicken feathers
and rubber bands.
I eat hamburgers
three times a day.
Mother says
I shouldn't
be confused by...
By a lot of
different foods, so we...
So she chose...
[CHUCKLING]
Hamburgers, you know,
with ketchup. [SLURPING]
Lots of ketchup,
and really lots
and lots of ketchup.
[SLURPING]
And they're terribly red.
You know what
I still don't understand?
Why you
never go out. Well...
How can you
just sit inside
all the time?
I do other
interesting things.
You know, I do
other things. I...
What?Well,
when I'm on
the balcony, I...
I do other things. I...
What sort of things?
Huh?
You mean
spying on me?
Yes, you mean
looking at me through
that periscope thing.
No, I...
I don't have
a periscope!
I mean...
It's a telescope.
But it was a periscope.
And you saw me. Oh, no...
Yes, you... You might
have seen lots of me.
No. Maybe all of me.
Did you see
all of me?
No, listen, I use
the telescope to
look at airplanes. I...
Originally, I got
the lenses to
study my stamps
when mother suspected
that some of
the stamps
were fakes.
So far, I've discovered
I have three actual fakes.
Number 1,352,766.
Number 1,352,768
was a fake.
And they were
stuck together.
No! No, don't do that!
You don't even know me. But...
But I'm...
I want to know you.
But...
We're not friends.
We don't...
We don't share
a common interest.
[CHUCKLING] Oh, yes,
oh, yes, we do!
[WHISPERING]
Jonathan, kiss me.
Kiss me on the lips,
my big, red,
luscious, sexy,
ketchup-eating lips.
DAD: Go on, boy.
Make believe
it's a hamburger.
No!
DAD: All of a sudden,
he can't stand hamburger.
Just get out![LAUGHING]
What's the
matter with him?
[WHIMPERING]
Now, now, now,
now, now, now,
little one. Aw!
Who are you?
I am his mother. Oh. [SOBBING]
Well, harlot,
how much do
I owe you?
I'm not a harlot.
I'm not!
Don't call me that.
I'm a babysitter.
Besides you don't
owe me a thing.
Nothing happened.
Of course not.
I knew that.
Now get out.
Oh there, there,
little Jonathan.
Mummy's here. Yes.
That's my boy.
Mother's here
to look after you.
Why did you
invite me
here? Why?
Why did you
call on me? Hmm?
My little boy
seemed to have
an interest in you.
I got him
his fabulous
stamp collection,
his fantastic
coin collection,
his sensational library
and I got him you
for a little while
and you saw
what happened.
Oh, did I see
what happened!
Ooh! He's strange.
He is pure
and purity flees
from such as you.
He's... He's frustrated
and he's not normal.
Normal?
My Albert normal?Albert?
I thought his
name was Jonathan.
His name is
Albert or Edward
or anything I choose,
according to my mood.
His name is anything
that you don't call him.
Call him?
I call him?
You... You called me.
And now I'm telling
you to get out. Okay.
I'm going.
I don't wanna
stay, believe me.
There, there,
little one.
There my little... [WHIMPERING]
Good night, Jonathan.
[WHISPERING]
Edward, Albert.
MADAME: Just one moment.
Now, darling,
beddy-bye time.
Off we go.
One more item,
my sweet.
I saw you with
Commodore Roseabove
yesterday.
From now on,
he's off limits.
What?
I'm telling you
once and only once.
He is my property.
Who do you think
you are? Who?
I am the protector
of innocence,
the guardian of purity
and the destroyer
of cheap tawdry floozies
who get in my way!
Pleasant dreams.
We'll see.
We'll see.
[CLICKING]
[CLICKING]
[CLICKING]
[CLICKING]
DAD: Well, that's a start.
You look like a bunny.
Now let's find him one.
Great, kid.
They're wallet size!
Hey, don't waste 'em!
Throw 'em in the
closet with me!
How about that,
sports fans?
I guess one picture
is worth a thousand words.
And one girl is worth
a thousand pictures.
That's it, Johnny boy!
You've got the ball now
and you're gonna carry it
right down the field
and across the goal line.
Look at him go, fans.
They can't stop him.
What guts!
What daring!
He's at mid-field.
He's through the secondary
and still on his feet.
He's down to the 40,
he's down to the 30,
the 20, the 10.
He's gonna...
He's gonna... He's...
BREKENDUFF:
Good morning,
Mr. Rosepettle.
DAD: Hey, wait. Come back!
No, boy, no! You fool!
You're running
the wrong way.
Oh, no!
And it's a touchdown!
For mother.
[RINGING]
I'm not allowed to
talk on the phone!
[CONTINUES RINGING]
Stop ringing!
Please just stop ringing!
[CONTINUES RINGING]
I'm not allowed to
talk on the phone.
Ah, I haven't felt
like this for years.
It sounds like love.
Hmm. Feels like gas.
Hmm. Remarkable woman.
You were right, Moses.
No more chasing
after the young ones.
Now I've got what I want.
Good morning, Commodore.
Good morning, child.
"Child"?
[SCOFFING]
You age yourself
too much.
You look so
young today.
So virile.
So handsome.
Thank you, child.
Well...
Uh...
Commodore, I've
been thinking. Mmm-hmm?
So have I.
I think that we should
re-think our relationship.
Oh?
I wasn't aware
that there was
a relationship
to re-think.
Yes. That's just it.
Mmm-hmm.
We've been much too
cautious, darling. Mmm-hmm.
Little darling,
it'll all be
for the best.
No, no. We must
re-work everything.
We must
rekindle
the fire.
Oh, my darling!
What do you think?
No! I think I'll play
some billiards.
Oh! Uh...
I was hoping
we could go out
to the yacht
to swim upstream.
Well, uh,
late tonight,
I'll send for you.
Mmm! Why not now?
COMMODORE:
Well, I have to
practice some shots.
ROSALIE:
All right, all right.
I'll play billiards
with you then.
How do I do it?
Well, uh...
Is this right?
Not quite, no.
I see you're...
You're left-handed.Mmm.
No, you...
[BALLS CLATTERING]
The idea is
to put him
in a pocket.
That's how you
win the game.
COMMODORE: Ah, Madame.
Madame, I was just
showing the young lady
a trick shot.
Carry on.
But Madame, Madame,
I assure you,
it was purely
a demonstration.
Oh, silly man,
you needn't
explain to me.
It's a game,
something to while away
the afternoon.
Of course.
You need
your relaxation.
All work
and no play.
[CHUCKLING]
Ta-ta! But...
But I think
of the child as a...
As a daughter.
She turns to me
for help.
MADAME:
Such a wonderful man!
Oh, but you are
kind and dear
and dependable.
Toodle-oo! Toodle-oo!
I bought your father
a new coffin today.
Something
for the tropics.
I'm having it done
in Irish Linen with roses
filigreed on the edges.
Ah!Oh.
Are you ill?DAD: I am.
No. Well, then
what is it?
Nothing.
Oh. [LAUGHS]
Is it that... That...
That girl, that...
That thing?
No.
You've plenty of time
for girls.
You're only 25.
Yes, Mother.
Well, now, darling,
come here to mother.
How are
your hamburgers?
[EXCLAIMS]
Red.
Okay.
Mother, could I go
for a walk one day? Just...
Of course you can
go for a walk.
When we get
to Bora-Bora.
There's a nice path
along the water,
a nice shady path.
But that's
six months off.
Now, now, now, darling,
now, don't be restless.
You go play with
your stamp collection
or read a book.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
[CHUCKLING]
Now, Madame... [LAUGHS]
DAD: Love Finds Andy Hardy.
Just a couple
of crazy kids...
Hand in hand
and bunion to bunion.
What is it
you want?
I want you.
I've been going
crazy without you.
Oh, Madame,
let there be
me and you,
the sand, the moon...
Silly boy.
[BOTH CHUCKLING]
We've splobbed
other people.
Let us be the ones
to be splobbed.
You mean you want to
neck on the beach?
[CHUCKLING]
[MADAME WHOOPING]
Hi.
Dad.
Dad, I want to
talk to you.
Uh, at you.
As... Well,
you realize by now,
you're dead.
And since you are,
I just wondered,
how would you
like to be buried?
In some swell place
where there are lots
of trees and flowers,
and I... I could come
to visit you, and...
You don't have to
answer right away.
I'm seriously considering
getting married...
And... And if...
If you were
settled some place
and I...
I could come
to see you...
Well, you have to admit,
it's a thought.
DAD: The boy
really loves me.
He wants to
see me buried,
bless his heart.
[ROSALIE SCREAMS] Ow!
What are you doing
out of your room?
MAN: Who's he? Jonathan.
MAN: Where
do you come from?
[STUTTERING] 106.
I come from 106,
right up there.
MAN: I think he's nuts.
No, he's not!
Jonathan, you escaped.
Oh, that was
very brave!
I slipped.
I was trying to
do my yogi.
MAN: Well, you sure picked
a lousy time to do it.
See you later,
Rosalie.
What were you
doing down here?
I, uh...
Well, uh... We...
We were looking for
four-leaf clover.
Harold, that's my friend,
he's a four-leaf
clover collector.
They're very rare.
You... You have
many interests.
Yeah.
I have many
varied interests too.
That's why
I don't have any time
because I'm so busy.
That's why, uh...
I don't go out.
Oh, but you're out.
You're out now!
Look, Jonathan,
you're outside.
Yes, I am.
I slipped.
Oh!
No, no, don't worry.
I'll take care of you.
I love you.
I love you.
[WALTZ MUSIC PLAYING]
Madame...
Ah, I have waited
for this moment.
To hold you in my arms
and feel your heart
beating against mine.
Mmm, yours seems
to be beating rather fast.
Do you think you can
take this waltz?
It will take
a waltz, a tango,
anything for you.
[GIGGLING]
Well, then, shall we waltz
right up to my place
and test it?
Ah!
Oh.
[SNAPPING FINGERS]
[PLAYING MELLOW TUNE]
[MADAME LAUGHING]
[MADAME SIGHING]
[MADAME CHUCKLING]
You devastate me.
[CHUCKLING] I try.
[PLAYING ROMANTIC TUNE]
What's this?
This holds my secrets.
I'm reciprocating
for yours.
I always pay back.
There isn't a man,
living or dead,
who hasn't been
rewarded by having
known me.
When shall I
get my reward?
It's imminent,
my dear Commodore.
But you don't want
to rush it.
I do, I do. I love you.
[CORK POPPING]
Aw... [CHUCKLING]
Of course you do.
But first we're going to
look at what love can do.
I warn you, my Commodore,
what you're going to see
may shock you.
Dear lady,
I am a man
of the world.
I have seen and heard
things that would bug
the eyes out of statues.
I have tasted
every pleasure,
and witnessed
the foulest of deeds,
depravities and perversions.
It was sweet of you
to think you
could shock me.
It's virtually impossible.
[LAUGHING]
Well said.
You must be thirsty. Of course.
And now we shall begin.
DAD: I think I'll let
Madame DeMille
do all the talking
during this
little masterpiece.
Besides, I want to
take a look at myself.
MADAME: I retained
my innocence much longer
than other girls.
At 28, I was
still a virgin.
And fast on my feet.
But I wasn't ignorant.
No, Commodore.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR] I studied men
in my spare time.
And I knew that
outside my door,
the world was
waiting eagerly
to devour those
who trust in it.
[KNOCKING CONTINUES]
One unfortunate day,
however,
I let down my guard.
His name was
Albert Edward Robinson
Rosepettle the Third.
He had the world's
smallest eyes.
He was also
short of breath.
Or maybe it was
the scent of my innocence
that overwhelmed him.
[TRUMPETING]
We seemed made
for each other. [BABY CRYING]
I was shy,
he was outgoing.
[CRYING LOUDLY]
I was poor,
he was rich.
Oh, he wasn't
really in the
Salvation Army.
That was just part
of his playfulness.
All in all,
I thought I'd finally
found Mister Right.
And so...
With all of Albert's
friends attending,
we were married.
I started life at
the Rosepettle mansion,
thinking the aroma
came from the quaint
old furnishings.
Until our wedding dinner
was served.
I had also thought,
Commodore,
that Albert
was different
from other men.
But under the hypocrisy
of that smile,
he was on
the same track,
chasing the
same rabbit.
And then... [SNORING]
After he had taken
my most valued possession,
there he was.
A little food,
a little sex,
and he was snoring
his satisfaction.
His little mind
dreaming wild
and sinful fantasies
that were written
all over his face.
[SNAPPING FINGERS]
I moved out of his
bedroom that very night,
but it was already too late.
Albert couldn't
tie his shoes
without fumbling.
He missed his mouth
with half of his food.
And yet,
like some mad
kamikaze pilot
who'd been saved
for one deadly mission,
he got me pregnant.
After that, Commodore,
he tried all sorts
of foolish ways
to lure me back
into his bed.
He assumed
exotic poses,
hoping to titillate
my senses.
[EXCLAIMING IN PAIN]
He even
baited his trap
with mink.
But the coat
reeked of sauerkraut.
He finally gave up.
With me, anyway.[DOORBELL RINGING]
Instead,
he brought in
a French maid.
Or at least she wore
a maid's uniform.
And we lived a not
unpleasant year that way.
Albert becoming so busy
with domestic duties that
he quite forgot me.
[MAID GIGGLING]
One afternoon,
he came home
to read the paper.
[CHUCKLES]
I guess his club
must've burned down.
Since I hadn't
bothered to tell him
about the baby...
[BABY CRYING]
It came as quite
a surprise to him.
[BABY CRYING]
[STAMMERING]
The fellow who plays
your husband, Albert,
he's a pretty good actor.
An actor? [CHUCKLING]
That is Albert.
The indelicate part
comes next.
The Other Woman,
I suppose that's what
you'd call her,
indulged Albert
in sports, both outdoor,
and indoor.
As for me,
I was a mother now.
And I devoted myself
to raising my son,
and taking care of
the house and garden.
Frankly, Commodore,
I was much happier
in the kitchen
than I'd been
in the bedroom.
My only desire
was to keep my child
as far away
from his father
as possible.
Unfortunately,
on occasion, Albert
would try to interfere,
arousing my
maternal instinct,
and I felt compelled
to fight back.
Under the circumstances,
you'll appreciate
how difficult it was
to teach my child
proper table manners.
Meanwhile, back
in the bedroom,
Albert, like all other men,
was hotly pursuing his fate.
[WHISTLES]
By the way, Commodore,
I wasn't jealous.
Merely curious
as to what she could
possibly see
in that lecherous buffoon.
But somehow,
as you can observe,
they did seem to have
a lot in common.
Remarkable.
Photography.
MADAME: The next morning,
we were all in
for a little surprise.
[INAUDIBLE]
Albert's appetite was
just too much for him.
I guess his eyes
were bigger
than his stomach.
One of life's perfect
little jokes, I would say.
Wouldn't you, Commodore?
DAD: Well, now you've
seen her version
of our wedded life.
Someday,
I'll show you mine.
If I can ever
get it away
from the censors.
They're crazy about it!
What are you
doing down there?
Are you proposing?
DAD: No, he's praying
for the French maid's
phone number.
Come, come,
my hearty Commodore,
we can't go
through life
like some peculiar
quadruped, hmm?
But...
He was so young.
He still is.
I saved him
from old age,
and I'll do the same,
the very same for you.
Hmm? No, no.
[CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY]
Thank you, dear lady.
I'm all right as I am.
I'd best be going.
MADAME: So you'd
rather be lonely.
Well, go on,
go on, go on, go on.
Go and start
your childish search
again for happiness.
Go back to your miserable
and empty little affairs
with cheap harlots.
[NERVOUSLY]
No, Madame, please.
You are perfectly
right in wanting
to escape me.
You have every
reason to leave.
You think I'm responsible
for Albert's death,
don't you?
You think I was
a poor wife.
Perhaps I was.
I understand,
my dear Commodore.
You go now.
Go back to your
fun and games.
[CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY]
Madame, I...
I assure you,
I... I had no
intention of, uh...
I know, I know, I know.
How could you love me?
COMMODORE:
But I do love you.
MADAME: Oh, no,
you don't.
Well, damm it, I do!
I don't believe you,
Commodore.
[STAMMERING]
What can I do to
make you believe me?
What can I do?
You mean you still
love me after
what you've seen?
More so.
He was a rotten scoundrel
and he deserved to die.
I really love you.
Say it again.
With feeling! I love you.
Come on, my Commodore,
then take me, take me.
[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
DAD: I don't blame you, kid,
it wasn't even a talkie.
Go on, boy, go on.
Let off a little steam.
Yeah, let 'em get
their own flies.
And they can get
their own cats.
Goodbye,
security blanket,
hello, nylons.
Jonathan, what
have you done?
Jonathan...
What have you done?
Did you hurt
yourself?
I killed them.
Your mother too?
You killed your mother?
Her...things.
You sure made
a mess around here.
Here, Jonathan,
look at my dress.
Jonathan, guess
why I'm wearing
such a pretty new dress.
She says such
bad things about you.
She says you do
things with men.
Do you?
Jonathan,
come away with me.
[SIGHING DEEPLY]
Let's run away, Jonathan,
far away, tonight.
Both of us together.
Let's run and run,
far, far away.
Oh, you do!
[SOBBING]
Oh, you do!
Jonathan, I...
I won't lie to you.
First of all,
I love you.
Before, I loved
a lot of people,
but only a little.
I just wish that I'd been
a concert pianist instead,
then you would
understand better.
Jonathan, pretend that
I'm a concert pianist.
I'm playing
a beautiful concerto,
and making people happy.
What concerto
do you like, Jonathan?
Grieg's.
Yes, I'm playing
Grieg's Concerto.
In A minor.
What difference
does it make?
"What difference
does it make?"
It makes a lot
of difference
because if
you were playing
Grieg's Concerto
in B flat, you'd make
a lot of people unhappy,
because Grieg's Concerto
was in A minor!
All right, I'm playing
Grieg's Concerto
in A minor
and a lot of people
are very happy.
They're happy because
I'm playing in A minor
and they're also happy
because I'm playing it
beautifully.
Now, as a concert pianist
who has just come
to your room
immediately after playing
Grieg's Concerto,
will you go away
with me?
DAD: [WHISPERING]
Why not, boy?
Go now. Pay later.
I can't.
No... I... I can't.
I mean, I want to
go away with you,
but I'm afraid.
Yeah.
What time will
your mother be back?
DAD: Mmm, here's a girl
after my own heart.
Not for a while.
[STUTTERING] This is
my mother's bedroom
and we're not, uh...
[SLURRING SLEEPILY]
Oh, what a comfortable bed.
Uh... You better
get off the bed.
I think I'll take a nap.
This is my mother's room
and we're not
allowed to be here.
[HUMMING]
Jonathan...
I'll come out
if you give me
something first.
What are you
going to give me?
DAD: Don't miss
the answer
to this one, son.
A... A book.
I'll... I'll go
get a book.
DAD: I don't believe it!
Chapter one is
"Down the Rabbit Hole.
"Alice..."
Let me...
Let me read it.
"Alice, you see,
was beginning
to get very tired
"of sitting
by her sister
on the bank,
"and of having
nothing to do.
"Once or twice
she had peeped
into the book
"her sister was reading
but it had no..."
Come on, Jonathan,
I want to show you
something.
What... What is it
you want to show me?
Come on, sit down.
No, um...
I'm okay here.
Listen, I can't show you
if you don't sit down.
[SIGHING LOUDLY]
Do you want to
read the book?
Yes.All right... No...
Jonathan.
I love you, Jonathan,
and I want you now.
I want you, Jonathan.
I won't give you up.
Do you want me
to explain the story
about Alice?
Forget about the book,
and look at me.
Look at my eyes,
my mouth,
my hands,
my legs.
Look at me, Jonathan.
Are you still afraid?
No, I'm not afraid.
No! I'm afraid.
DAD: It's all right,
sweetheart.
Take your time.
What's a few
more minutes
when he's been
waiting 25 years?
Come, Jonathan.
Lie with me.
Let me show you
how beautiful it is.
Everything will
be wonderful.
DAD: Sorry, son,
I slipped on a mothball.
[EXCLAIMING IN SHOCK]
Who the hell is this?
[STAMMERING] It's...
[PANTING]
What a stupid place
to keep a corpse.
It's all right.
Everything's fine again.
DAD: Forget it,
you crazy fool,
you're dead. Dead!
Oh! That's my father.
Jonathan, stop looking
at him, he's dead.
Look at me, I'm alive.
Stop, just stop.
My mother was right.
You're... You're dirty.
No, I'm not dirty.
I'm full of love
and womanly feelings.
I renounce all
my past lovers,
Jonathan.
I confess my indiscretions.
I ask your forgiveness.
Now you know all,
so I'm pure again.
Take off
your clothes. No. But my father...
Forget about
your father.
Drop your pants on him,
then you won't see his face.
Listen, but my mother...
No, forget about
your mother.
She's gone.
Yeah. Yes.
Forget them both
and look at me.
Yes. Yes.
Oh, Jonathan,
love is so beautiful.
Yes.
Yeah.
Now...
[SEDUCTIVELY]
Come, Jonathan.
Lie down.
Come...
You'll be all mine.
Lie down.
Let me show you
how beautiful it is...
[GIGGLING SEDUCTIVELY]
Love!
DAD: No, no,
that's not the way!
I can't look!
No, boy, no.
Cut it out!
Stop it! Stop it,
I tell you. Stop it!
...I take thee,
Madame, to be
my lawful wedded wife.
And I take thee,
Commodore.
And so, by my authority
as Captain of
the high seas,
I declare this marriage
valid and it be entered
in the log.
I therefore
pronounce us mad.
I mean, man and wife.
I must be going.But, Madame...
Oh, to tell Jonathan
the good news.
I'll be back
later this morning
and we'll sail away.
But Madame, our toast.
Hawkins! Yes, sir?
Do I look sick?
I'm sorry, sir,
but Madame has
restricted that kind
of information.
If the Commodore
wishes to know
if it's a nice day,
a hot day,
or a cloudy day,
I'm at liberty
to tell him.
All other questions
will be referred
to Madame.
[GLASS SHATTERING]
Darling heart!
My little curmudgeon! Jon...
My fish! My plants!
Jonathan!
Jonathan!
Jonathan, where are you?
[JONATHAN STAMMERING]
All right, Robinson.
This whole place
is a mess.
Lying on my bed
is a girl,
and I do believe
she has stopped breathing.
And you haven't eaten
your hamburger.
Now I ask you, Edward,
as a mother to a son,
I ask you, what is
the meaning of this?
Jonathan!
Oh! Damn you, Albert.
Hello! Anybody in?
Huh?
MADAME:
Edward! Edward!
Jonathan,
Jonathan, wait!
You haven't heard
the good news!
Mother's got something
nice to tell you!
Madame! I think
you should know...
Does anybody know?
Jonathan is all upset.
I think you should
have a talk with him.
After all, you're one
of his fathers.
Jonathan.
Er... Edward!
Edward!
Jonathan!
Jonathan! Jonathan!
Madame!
Jonathan, come back!
Come back or I'll
tell your fathers!
Edward! Edward!
Edward!
Edward, stop!
Wait, darling!
Darling, it's mother!
Listen...
Jonathan! Edward!
You haven't even had
your breakfast!
Madame!
What's happened?
I want to talk to you!
MADAME: Mother's getting
a little tired, Jonathan!
Listen to me!
Woman! Damn it!
MADAME: Darling,
we'll make it
a cheeseburger,
a cheeseburger with
relish and pickles!
DAD: Well, she finally
flipped her wig. Jonathan!
Jonathan!
Jonathan! Help me!
Edward!
You can even
take a new name.
DAD: And how
about this, gang?
He's finally
cutting the cord.
MADAME: Jonathan!
Oh, my poor boy,
you can't swim.
I can't swim.
Thank you, Mother.
Albert!
Save Jonathan,
he's gone under!
Madame, I can't swim.
Don't change the subject.
Jump in the water.
What's the matter?
I feel terribly ill.
Oh, shut up!
Seriously ill.
[ETHEREAL MUSIC PLAYING]
DAD: Well, all's well
that ends well.
The Commodore is
in the second coffin
with Rosalie in his arms.
You see, boy gets girl.
Yes, boy gets girl
and they're riding off
together into the sunset.
I love happy endings myself.
I think everybody does.
All these movies today,
so downbeat, depressing,
who needs 'em?
Right, gang?
[STUTTERING] Mother,
do you think I can have
Rosalie in my room?
Of course, darling,
it'll be nice
for you to have
someone to talk to.
I love you, Mother!
Of course you do.
And there isn't anything
I wouldn't do for you, son.
After all, what's
a mother for?
DAD: You see
what I mean, gang?
What we had here
was a simple little tale
of a mother's love
for her son.
Clean, wholesome,
a family-type picture
like... LikeBambi,
Dumbo,
Mondo Cane.
[CHEERY SONG PLAYING]