Nothing to Laugh About (2021) - full transcript

Kasper, are you ready?

Yep, I'm ready.

So life is something like this:

You're born.

You grow older.

You get friends.

Kasper, are you ill?

And without noticing, -

- you probably slowly,
but surely -

- are starting to realize what
you'll be when you grow up.

Thank you very much, you're a doll.



Oslo Spektrum!

Wow!

One day, that will be you.

No, don't...!

as a teenager
sex was only about jerking off.

At school, you were looking everywhere
for places to hide so you could jerk off.

Any random rub could cause a boner.

Erik?

One day.

One day.

Kasper?

- You're shaking again.
- No, I'm in complete control. It's fine.

It's June 6., 1944.
D-day, Normandy.

It's dangerous, but you've
got the best jokes.



Now go out there and slaughter them!

There's a lot of debate
about sexual identity these days.

It's a bit exciting,
because at one point in time -

- I too felt a bit like a man
caught in a woman's body.

And then I was born.

Kasper, I'm your agent -

- and I've decided that
we from now on are only drinking those.

Now I've got a woman and
I actually think it's us for life.

The only snag is that
she don't hear well -

- so the few times I
make her come -

- it sounds like Chewbacca
from Star Wars.

There's no key.

And all the time you're thinking: Any day now
they'll realize I don't know how to do this.

Orlando, this is Kasper Berntsen!

You fear that you'll get
figured out at any moment.

The first time I kissed a girl
was in kindergarten.

And it was hot!
Hot!

Her name was Aina, by the way.
She was a very very sweet girl.

But a horrible kindergarten teacher.

You get older, too.

More experience, but less hungry.

You stop paying attention,
become more of a pessimist.

And you realize that no matter
how low you've come, -

- it can always become a little
more fucked up.

Kasper, you're on now!

Ladies and gentlement,
give a good round of applause for -

- Kasper Berntsen!

Anybody from Ski here?

- You guys? Where in Ski?
- Langhus.

So cool. My ex is from Langhus.
Horrible woman.

Only advantage was that she was deaf.

The few times I made her come -

- it sounded like Chewbacca
from Star Wars.

It's the same over and over.

Are you ok?

What are you talking about?

- Nothing.
- No?

You're ruining the show
for everybody around you.

I don't think it's me ruining
this show.

- And who are you bringing along...?
- "My carer".

Heard that one too?

You've been a nice audience.
Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen,
a round of applause for -

- Marlene Stavrum!

That's not a great sign, is it?

You're a comedian and people
aren't laughing.

Kasper,
we'll pull you off that summer show.

- Does Andrea know?
- She decided it.

What did she say? "He won't go on
stage before he's got some new material."

You let Andrea know that I've declined
a lot of other gigs because of this.

And we've got a contract,
so that's unfortunate for you.

Yeah, we've got options, though.

But we do need... opening acts.

I'm not fucking opening.

- Sorry, my hearing's off, I didn't get you?
- I'm not opening!

Then you aren't.

We'll let somebody else do it.

I'm messing with you.

- Of course I will open.
- Opening?

That's war.
Total war!

Do they think I'm Chamberlain?
Are they completely stupid?

When somebody's messing with my clients,
things get messy.

I'll start a fucking jihad.

Erik Elisabeth, you're the agent.
You will handle this.

Forget Andrea!
What's in now, is Netflix.

We'll be on Tiktok,
we'll be everywhere!

This is Normandy.
Operation fucking Overlord.

You feel the boil...

- Hi.
- Kasper?

Yes.
Been awhile.

- How are you doing?
- Shoulder is killing me still.

We took some blood last time.

I'm terrified of needles.

Only reason I'm not doing heroin.

Kasper...

The tests we did showed a
significantly elevated PSA-level.

So I wanted you to do an MRI.

Judging by the other tests -

- it doesn't look too great.

I'm afraid it's worse than
a spinal prolapse.

Cancerous changes in the bones.

Look.

These red numbers indicate
that things aren't looking too good.

Next step will be a biopsy, -

- confirm the diagnosis...
- sette en diagnose...

You'll get some -

- brochures about the
various treatment options.

If you have any questions,
feel free to ask at any time.

Any questions?

I thought I saw a sign back at the desk
regarding refund of travel expenses?

Kasper Berntsen?

Hi, honey.

Hey?

- We need to talk a little.
- Ok.

You might want to sit down.

You know what, just...

I just want to say thank you.

For taking the initiative -

- to have this... conversation.

I've thought about it quite a bit,
but just haven't...

I haven't quite known
how to say it, so...

Say...?

Well we aren't happy, right?

I can tell you are not happy.

I'm at least not happy,
to put it that way, so...

So...?

Let's end it.

Break up.

This will be ok, Erik Elisabeth.

No it won't.

I liked Monica so much.
She was always good to me.

- She liked and accepted me.
- Well this is about you.

I know I should console you,
but breakups hit me so hard.

And things aren't so
great for me these days.

That is unfortunate,
because I have some other bad...

Nina is on vacation in Portugal with her
mom and her trophy husband.

We were going to Facetime.

- I've been to the doctor.
- First she doesn't answer.

And next time she hangs up.
When I try again...

The doctor says I've got cancer.

Ha-ha. Then, it's just voice,
no camera.

She doesn't want to talk to her father.

Her mom is behind all this.

She has never accepted the
journey I've taken.

- I've got a ton of cancer in my body.
- Stop saying cancer!

- It isn't funny.
- No, it isn't.

No!

Kasper!

Hey, it will be ok.

Well it won't.

It will.

Life's like this:

Sometimes everything is just -

- horrible.

But don't take it personal.

Life isn't against you.

You're not that special.

Oh, oh, oh. Your primary
tumor is in the shoulder joint.

That is pretty rare.

There's a tumor here, here and here,
and there, yeah.

As if the cancer's got cancer.

As it happens treatment has come
far in this area.

Yes, exactly.
You're a specialist, too? You're a doctor?

No, I'm his agent.

Or manager I suppose is more correct.
You can say both manager and agent.

- What is the difference?
- The agent handles contracts.

The manager handles the practical.

But we have chosen this model.

We've been best friends since childhood.

I was 8, from up north.
He took such good care of me.

And I've taken care of you.
But that's perhaps irrelevant...

Perhaps a bit irrelevant now.

No, there was a lot of good there.

But just briefly back to the cancer.

Now things are starting to move quickly,
so it's important to pay attention.

We'll start with a full workup
and treatment asap.

First and foremost with chemo.

Yeah, and remember to turn in some sperm,
because you will most likely become infertile.

Now you've been doing chemo
for awhile -

- and that is a major
burden on the body.

It's common to become depressed.

Both due to the illness
and from the chemo.

It could be good to have somebody
to talk to. I've got some brochures.

We offer, er.. group therapy.

- That sounds very good.
- I'm not going to group therapy, Erik.

- That's completely out of the question.
- It will be ok.

Where are we going?

You agree that it is weird to
blab about your problems?

No.
Here it is.

Just as I thought. A lot of dying people
supporting other dying people.

Kasper Berntsen?

Why does she know my name, Erik?

Because I signed you up.

The agreement was that
we were just gonna look.

I'm sorry, but we're here now.
Go in and give it a shot.

I am Selma.
We've been looking forward to meeting you.

Ok, I'll get you eight thirty.
Great.

Welcome, Kasper.

Would you tell us a bit about yourself?

- I'll skip that, if that's ok.
- Yeah.

Just open up when you feel like it.
That is ok.

Are there anybody else who wants to
share something with the group today?

Khalid, I'm feeling that perhaps
today is the day where you open up.

Khalid never says anything.

- No, relax.
- But last time...

I recognize you now.

Sorry, Khalid.

You're a comedian, aren't you?

- Yes.
- Won't you tell us a joke?

No.

- I think we all will enjoy...
- Maria, be nice.

Can't he tell a joke?
He's really funny.

We're here because we're human,
not because of what our job is.

So if Kasper does not want to...

It's got nothing to do with wanting to.

I don't tell jokes.

A joke is "two tomatoes cross a road".

Standup is more an observation of things,
hopefully with a funny twist.

Ok, then I'm wrong.
Sorry.

Am I wrong if...
Don't you define a joke as -

- characters associated with
a comically recognizable premise.

If you get upset about
an observation -

- of the security check
at the airport, -

- you are a character
in a comically recognizable premise.

You're really just taking
the tomato's place.

- Ergo: joke.
- That's enough.

I heard you in a podcast once,
and there you told a joke.

Sorry, an observation.

It would've been good for this group.

- I don't know what you're talking about.
- What did you say?

The positive thing about women with cancer
removing their breasts, -

- is that they'll swim faster.

No, Maria.

Hey, Maria...

There she went
and that... is ok.

As I tend to say:
When one door closes, another opens.

So that...

We were talking about ambitions
when you arrived.

And how crucial it is
to have ambitions.

And that it's only us who -

- are blocking the path for us.
Take Sebastian.

He was very negative towards
starting doing ceramic pots.

Who's having a solo
exhibition now?

That is me, as a matter of fact!

- You coming?
- Thank you very much.

Do you know the worst thing about
getting this illness?

People stop being
funny around you.

Don't you stop doing that, then.

Are you gonna go, or stand there stretching
like a fucking idiot?

I don't think you should
smoke that pot stuff.

Why not?
Will I get cancer?

You shouldn't smoke pot because
you'll become such a god damn bitch.

Perhaps you should try something else.
Ecstacy, heroin or weed.

You're welcome.

Have a good night.

Where the hell have you been?
I've been scared to death!

You were gone when I was gonna pick you up.
It's two in the morning!

It's not funny.
I was scared spitless!

So fucking bad
that you've been scared!

I'm very sorry! This is about you
after all. I sometimes forget.

- Sorry, Erik.
- No, don't worry about it.

Blue?

- That was nice.
- Grey.

Like your mood.
No, not that.

How are things between you and your
daughter these days, really?

She doesn't have time to talk to
her father. Apparently there's a lot to do.

- You're on tonight, right?
- Yeah. Opener, or something.

- How did we end up here?
- Is that what you will talk about?

No, that's not what I will talk about.

- That would be ok, publicity-wise...
- Erik, no. I do not plan to.

- There we have it.
- No

Yes.

Thank you very much, my name is Jonis Josef.
Hope you'll have a very, very good time!

Jonis Josef, ladies and gentlemen!

Are there any couples in the audience?

You're a couple, yes!

Here's Olav Thon with his wife.

- How long have you been married?
- We're actually on a date.

- You're on a date?
- Yeah.

You're doing the dating thing,
even at your age?

You know that we'll die one day.

And all the other days we'll live.

Yeah, that's..

That was very...

That was very nice.

Ok, let's see. Yeah, I was
thinking about this thing with...

With Tinder, so...

Because in Germany they have...

They've made such an...

App.

For...

Put one word after the next,
and you'll get there.

Yeah, I...

Is there a speech
therapist in the audience?

Hey, go to the bar and I'll give you a
free beer if you shut up.

- I only drink champagne.
- You'll have a glass of champagne.

A bottle?

I'm not really in the mood today, buddy.

Oh, it's that time of the month?

But the thing is...

I've got a tampon here.

I think I'll take that as a good
way to end it here.

We'll have a new comedian on stage.

Sometimes, when everything is rock bottom and
you think that things can't possibly get worse, -

- you meet somebody like you.

Congratulations, buddy.

You're worse than chemo.

You go to the doctor, and are worried
whether you've put on clean socks.

Very soon you stop thinking about that.

My mom had cancer.

The audience is a bit like the cells
in the body.

Most are kind and good.

Then there are some that are kinda mean,
but mostly manage to behave anyway.

And then you just need one
single malignant asshole -

- to ruin it for the whole lot.

And I'll have to remove you, -

- otherwise we risk
full contamination here!

He managed...
You managed to make my day even worse!

That is really incredibly well done.

You've managed to top human
tragedy with irritation.

It's like the Biedermann family
in Sachsenhausen in 1943.

They've been carrying anvils all day,
had nothing to eat, -

- dragging themselves back to the barracks
at night to get a few hours sleep...

And then there's crumbs in the bed.
You are those crumbs!

- You're making an ass of yourself.
- You're doing it for free.

You said that your mother had cancer?

She must have survived,
since her tumor sits there.

Normally I'd knocked out
people who talked to me like that.

Normally I'm positive to copulation
between cousins.

- Now you're talking about my wife.
- Your cousin? Are you going to a family reunion?

Or as it is called in your
family: Gang bang.

That is not my cousin!

- Come, then!
- You missed by a yard.

That is what inbreeding does
to your fine motor skills.

That's the strangest opener ever.

But we'll have another comedian on stage.
Here is Marlene...

Ok.

People with cancer are many things,
but they are not a resource.

"Move, move!"

Ladies and gentlemen, my name is
Kasper Berntsen. Thank you very much!

Hi!

Oh my god.
Are you ok?

That was one for the history books.

Move on. Drinks on me,
for first and last time in my life.

Ow!
No, just kidding.

Don't cut me.
I can't have cuts.

Now be good and eat.
I just got to go.

- Enjoy.
- Ok.

I was just gonna say that
Andrea watched your show yesterday.

And she thinks it was great.

- Awesome.
- So cool

Put together a show
with that theme, -

- we would have been interested.

Like a summer show with a twist.

A summer show with a twist is
something you'd be interested in then?

Been kinda..assymetric warfare lately.

Bit "Night of the Long Knives".

We have of course noticed, so nice
that you're here with a white flag.

But I've got a lot to do, and
Kasper is a bit under the weather.

So perhaps we'll just
contact you if needed?

That was... nice.

Yeah, wasn't it?

That's fantastic.
Awesome!

- Genious.
- I don't think that's an option.

- Why not?
- Erik Elisabeth.

When I say something is out of the question,
it's out of the question. No point arguing.

But you could consider it.

Hey!

- Oh my god, I don't know what to say.
- Well, look at me, then.

Want to feel?

Ow! Not there, fucks sake!
Naw.

- Want me to take your backpack?
- Yes please.

So, really learnt kiting now?

Must be fun slipping around.
Slip away.

Your dad is becoming a bible teacher now.

"And it came to pass in those days that
Josef and Maria slipped around Bethlehem.

"But there was no room in any
swag hostels, so..."

"Thankfully there was a crunk disciple
who let them in"

- Then they slipped baby Jesus out of...
- Fuck off with the slipping!

Here.

I'm gonna scoot.
Talk later, miss.

-I'll drive you
-There's no room for me.

- You can sit in front.
- You've got a lot to talk about.

- Please?
- I'll take the railway.

- So I can slip a bit on the rails.
- Oh my god, you're so funny.

And here I thought this would be
a pleasant trip on rails.

Yeah, hey, same.

Not bad, that stuff you gave me.

- It was not...?
- Not bad.

- No idea what you're talking about.
- Marijuana. The drugs I got from you.

Doesn't really seem like it's
had any significant effect.

You'll have to give me some more then.

Do you have more?

What have you got, then?

- Sarcoma.
- Soft tissue or bone?

Bone.

Chondrosarcoma, osteosarcoma, -

- Ewing?

Yep, it's Ewing.

Much pain?

Yeah, some.

Spread?

- To the lungs?
- No.

Then you're good.

Me, it started in my breasts,
spread to...

Now's the time to say hello, or?

I'm really starving.

Kasper Berntsen.

Maria Toulabi.

Or "god damn fucking bitch".

Coming?

Yeah, allright.

Oi.

Yeah...

You don't have something like this one.

I don't have something like that one.
I should get one.

One simply does not get a christmas
sweater.

It's like a samurai sword.
It has to choose you.

And you can't have
something with Jesus on it.

I'm more of a dinosaur.
Me and Jesus aren't very compatible.

By the way I do a pretty good
imitation of a dinosaur.

I don't know if it's the greatest.

And I've seen quite a few.

What was your thoughts when
you received your diagnosis?

Would you like to hear something that's
both sad and pathetic at once?

- No, can't say I do.
- Huh?

Well, now you have to say.

What I was thinking when I was diagnosed
and my girlfriend dumped me...

- I'm not saying this to get your sympathy.
- No worries.

It was just...

If I die now, -

- I'll die without having heard
another human being say that they love me.

Shit, that is pretty sad and
pathetic at the same time.

Oh my god, you're such a loser!

And what makes it even more so, is -

- that I've told it to
two different people.

- Once in french.
- Ah, I can't listen to this any more.

But hey?

You've got a telescope.

Can you really see anything when
there's so much light in town?

It was something left over
from the previous owners.

Oh yeah.

All these pictures too?

- No, that's mine.
- Yeah.

That's cool, though.

Why do you think nobody have said it?

It's not something I've
thought a lot about.

It was really mostly because you asked.

Should I take the trash?

Yeah, if you wouldn't mind.

Do you think perhaps it's the thought of
loving somebody who loves you -

- that is the problem?

- The thought of...
- You're thinking:

"Surely nobody can love this."

"Have some dignity and standards.
I'm a bad and hollow person."

And then you don't dare letting anybody in
to see who you really are.

And that way you don't give anybody
the chance to...

Yeah, anyway.
Do you recall where?

You remember when we came in
over at the right there?

Ok.

- Thanks for the smoothie.
- My pleasure.

Kasper!

- Didn't think we'd get to see you again.
- Didn't think so either.

Hey.

How are you?

- Oh, I'm good.
- Great.

You're braver thank you know,
stronger thank you think -

- and wiser than you understand.

Good foundation to have -

- when you suddenly need to
find some extra courage.

- I feel that I'm dreading it.
- What are you dreading?

There are hospital regulations
that say that...

When you turn 18,
you're moved to the adult section.

- And there's only old people.
- It's important to think positive.

Because there are incredibly many -

- great, elder people.
Warm individuals.

I just don't think it's any cool.

You know what, Anja?

I think it'll be a much better
experience than you think.

- There's a saying...
- Why do you think it will be better?

It's like this:
"The optimist..."

I'm sorry.

Total respect for your work, but...

I think you're saying strange stuff now.

- What were you thinking about?
- Well, that...

This is a relationship lab.

Is there anything you
want to say to Anja, Kasper?

Shit, I'm glad I'm not you.

Shit, I'm glad I'm not her!

You're 17 and you live in a hospital.

I'd have stolen
all the medicine I could find -

- and swallowed it with medial alcohol.

- That's enough.
- You can't smooth over everything here!

It's good to have a positive attitude
and life quotes on the walls, -

- but you take nothing seriously.

You and Anja and the lot have something in
common, so you understand each other. That's good.

But it doesn't mean that you know...

I think I know a whole lot about
what a girl in her situation feels.

- Ok?
- Yeah, I think Anja -

- is stuck in that fucking hospital and
see her friends plan exam parties -

- and work hard to
include her as much as possible, -

- until she feels only like a burden.

So you stop responding to invitations
to cover parties you won't attend.

And in your darkest moments you fantasize
about the party bus burning up -

- so all the other girls were crippled...

And that's enough.
This isn't suitable.

This isn't what a
17 year old should feel.

She should worry whether
she can get a false ID, -

- or if she's got an STD because
she blew a bosnian Foodora-courier.

And I think perhaps Anja thinks that
there are nobody -

- in the whole world who
knows how you're doing.

You're all alone
in the nightmare you're in.

You deserve to hear
that your life fucking sucks.

That it's such fucking bullshit and...

Perhaps we needed that.

It is so great that we've got this room
where we can -

- just throw out anything we want to.

Now we'll perform an exercise
called the incredible hat.

Perhaps... Khalid
would like to start?

I'll give you a hat, and in the hat
you can put something you look forward to.

And I get so happy
when Vålerenga win.

Every once in awhile.
Yeah.

Thank you.
Great!

Then it's in the hat.
Supert, Ingar.

Sara?
There you are.

I can't really think of anything.

Come on.
Anything at all.

Hullo!

I can't speak to people I don't know
without a bit of alcohol in my bloodstream.

I've bought a couple of bottles of white.

What are you doing now?

White wine.
Would you like a glass, Sara?

- No, she's not...
- Selma!

Selma, please, would you just...

- Sara, give me that glass.
- Absolutely not!

Are you aware that there are people here -

- who will have a fit if...

She is 17!
You are 17, Anja.

It's actually illegal.
This is completely unacceptable!

Cheers.

Could we gather up a bit?
We're so far from each other.

- Cheers, guys!
- Cheers!

This disease has quite a lot of
drawbacks, -

- but people listen a bit more
and treat you a lot better.

People treat you as if
you were made of glass.

Why don't we use it a lot more?

Imagine all we can do without getting
caught, because we've got cancer!

Many of you probably have fantasies
or desires you wouldn't say out loud.

Anja, for instance.

Don't you have any dreams you would
like to fullfill? Rob a bank or...

Khalid, you probably have some sick stuff
you wish to do before you go?

Khaled doesn't really enjoy talking.

- Khalid, now it's just us here.
- Ok.

I've always wanted to -

- try ecstasy.

Yeah, I was offered once
at a conference.

I had to say no. I was scared to death
that my wife would find out.

Yeah, I also have something
I've thought long about.

I haven't thought about it for awhile,
but the thing I really want to do -

- is to go to the house
of my ex husband, -

- light it up, and let it burn
to the ground.

Ideally with his 20 years younger
wife inside.

- I didn't know you'd been married.
- For 32 years.

Then he left me.

And I laid there with a
bag on my belly, -

- no rectum, and
parched mucous membranes.

Parched mucous membranes?
What is that?

- My pussy became dry as a cracker.
- Sorry!

No matter. It's a bit squeaky,
but it's still usable.

Cheers to it, then!

There's one thing
I've wanted to do -

- since the first time I came here.

Life's like this:

You have to be respectful
and listen to those with experience.

And now and then
just don't give a damn.

- About anything.
- Ready, set, go!

You are so right.

They have strained to include me
in the exam hubbub and -parties.

And I feel like a fucking burden.

But you are a fucking burden.

- I'm a fucking burden!
- You're a burden.

- And you're a burden.
- I'm a burden too.

- Want any more?
- No, I'm fine.

You ought to be happy you don't
have a rectum. Do you know why?

No hemorrhoids
and all that shit.

Thank you!

Great!

Yeah.

Are you satisfied with the bucket lists?

- Yeah.
- What's yours, then? Your wish?

I've got a wish,
but not sure I should say it aloud.

I'm afraid it won't come true.

Ok, you'll have to say it quietly then.

Say it quietly?

- Are you sure?
- Completely. Say it quietly.

But I just...

Now listen to me,
you fucking prick!

Sorry, that was a bit much.
But we'll take care of it.

I get that you've got your
little process now, -

- but these people here
are the best friends I've got.

So if you fuck up this group for me,
I'm gonna fuck you up!

I know gangstas!

Or do I?

Gotcha.

- Can I join the party?
- Yeah!

- Of course!
- Come on.

Cheers, guys!

Erik Elisabeth?

We'll do that show.

As an opener, I was thinking -

- either the resource joke or leukemia.

I don't think you should
open with leukemia.

- Hi, Kasper.
- Hey, Nina.

You staying for dinner?

I agree, that's a bit harsh.

- So then we're doing resource?
- Yeah.

When you get cancer,
you also get something else that sucks.

There's a damn lot of brochures.
Extremely many.

In one of the brochures I received,
it said:

People with cancer is a vast resource.

Resource? You're on a plane and
a person has had a stroke.

Then Trine Lise comes running.
"That's great, are you a doctor?"

"No, but I've got a strange
birthmark on my knee."

People with cancer are only a resource
as extras in a movie -

- about fatigued right-wing extremists.

Next time you breathe in,
you can feel...

You're at an after-party
and are all out of cocaine.

Edvard says: "I can call Klaus."

"Can he get more?" "No, but
he's got a giant tumor in his balls."

You just have to blanket the audience
with jokes.

- Here, Kasper.
- Thanks.

It will be god damn tight.

You will need to be completely focused.

- Right?
- Yep.

What do you need?

- Complete focus.
- What requires complete focus?

- Blanketing.
- Exactly.

When you get this disease,
your perspective changes.

I've never much liked children.

But I was at the hospital and a
little boy came over to me -

- and said:
"Is it true you're a comedian?"

"Yes, I am."
"I want to be a comedian when I grow up."

I was touched, up until he said:

"And a computer engineer
and doctor and a seal."

So I had to give him
a tiny reality check.

"Son."

"You've got leukemia.
You won't grow up."

Thank you very much.

- Are you doing ok?
- Yeah!

Don't ask me how I'm doing.

- How are you doing?
- I'm getting buried, thanks for asking.

Another advantage of knowing
you're gonna die, -

- is that you have time
to plan your funeral.

I'm not gonna have a traditional funeral.
I'm gonna have a theme party.

And not a normal, traditional coffin
made out of wood. It's gonna be jelly.

And inside there I'm gonna float
with corn and peas and shrimp.

Like a savory jelly from hell.

And when they carry me out of the
church, jiggly and fine, -

- there's of course only one
correct song to play.

"If you don't know me by now ..."

It's strange.

Life is strange.

You have to cherish it.

Cherish it.

Good bye. Thank you.
Bye.

Hi.

Can you feel anything?

Not really.

But I like that you're doing it.

I had given my tits nicknames previously.

When they still were... among us.

- Want to hear?
- Mm.

Mia and Fia.

- So nerd.
- I know.

It sort of doesn't fit,
now they're more like...

Ground Zero?

You shouldn't laugh at such things.

So mean.

- Sorry.
- It's ok.

You don't need tits when you've got that.

- Do you think I've got a nice ass?
- Mm.

Oh damn.

What was the plan for the group today?

You fixing this stuff is
so incredibly cool.

You're the cool one
for doing this for Anja.

Just stop the bos over here.

And so you just count to ten,
then you'll come?

Hi! Where's Anja?

Her mother called this morning.

Anja passed.

Her lungs stopped working
during the night.

Her mother and father -

- didn't get to say goodbye
to their little girl.

Surprise!

Anja! Anja! Anja!

Hey?

Are you ok?

- See you Wednesday, right?
- Yeah.

We're off.
Hey.

Can I show you something?

It's a very nice tombstone inscription -

- that I saw
when we buried my grandmother.

Isn't it nice?

I think it's so simple and...

I have to go.

Maria?

It's nice that it'll
be visually funny.

Not just one of those bad dudes
with beer and a barstool.

- What I'm looking for, is...
- Are you guys done?

You're something of a pioneer at this.
There aren't that many...

Fuck!

Hey.

- Can you hear me?
- Did you climb?

Are you crazy?

- You could have...
- I could have what?

Hey, would you let me in?

Huh?
No.

Sorry if I misjudged something.

If I thought it was something
else than it really is.

And sorry that I sent you 14
texts the last day.

Won't you let me in?
We don't need to talk.

We could watch a movie, or...

Or perhaps you could
put on a movie where...

I don't want to watch any fucking movie!

Ok, no.

Sorry.

I'm just wondering why you left.

Have you heard about ESA?

European Space Agency. An european
program training astronauts.

- Like NASA?
- Yeah.

No, haven't heard of it.

Five years ago they held admittance trials.

22000 applicants.

Five people were selected.

And you were one of them?

- Were you one of them?
- Yes.

Wow.

Week after, I was diagnosed.

I gave myself five years to get well.

Now they found another lump.

I'll go to an euthanasia-clinic
if it is a relapse.

- You'll go to...?
- An end-of-life-clinic in Switzerland.

If it is a relapse.
I can't do another round.

- Just open the door.
- I should stay away from you.

- But you're so incredibly nice.
- Now, just open the door.

Kasper, I should've stayed away from you.

It's just that
you made me forget everything. So...

Sorry.

Sorry.

Just open the door.
Maria, open that door.

But...

You're so damn stupid!

I understand that you think
this is undignified -

- and that I should demand
more of myself.

But a woman like you deserves a man
by her side to carry her purse.

So I demand to come along to fucking
Switzerland, and you can just forget saying...

Did you say yes?

Are you going to open the door,
or do I have to...

- Are you ready, Maria?
- Yes.

Want me to come in?

No, that's ok.

Hey, I just need a few words.

- What's up?
- It's Nina, we've argued.

Now she's gone to her mother, for good.

I don't know what to do,
don't know what to say.

It's like an impenetrable wall.

Why does it have to be so fucking hard?

Hell...

Let me know if there's anything I can do.

How about you though, how are you?

Well, it...

- It's ok. I'm fine.
- We'll talk later.

Ok.

Hi.

Don't see this every day.

First off, it was -

- just a lump of fat.
We see no symptoms in Maria.

We'll wait for a few bloodtests, but -

- according to ultrasound and scan -

- it is completely recovered.

- Sounds like there's a "but" here?
- Yeah.

We did an ultrasound of Maria's stomach.

To look for tumors.

Your girlfriend's pregnant.

It is very early,
so nothing is certain.

I don't understand anything.

Maria... is pregnant.

And you are approximately three weeks in.

I'll give you some time to talk.

Then we'll talk later, ok?

- Should we go?
- Yes, lets.

I just want to...

Don't feel that you have to take part
in something you're not ready for.

I just didn't think this was possible.

You'll cancel those tickets to
Switzerland, then?

Didn't you include a
cancellation insurance?

You didn't?
How can anybody possibly be so thick?

You didn't purhcase a cancellation
insurance? You have to buy...

Ah, you stupid cow.

You're healthy.

Are you asleep?

Hey you.

No, everything's fine.

Dear Erik Elisabeth.

I think I've got an idea.

Yeah?

Great.

- Really out of practice.
- It's my fault.

I'm supposed to be a masculine
role model for you.

You just get well!

Hey, Nina...

I know things are tough
between you and your father.

Yeah, I figured it was about that.

But you can't shut him out.

It will destroy him.

- I just can't do it.
- Yes, you can.

- I don't know what to say.
- Say what you feel.

If I was him now,
what would you say?

- I don't know.
- Don't you think he's an egotistical fool?

Yeah, but...

Don't you get angry, or tired?

Of course I'm tired.

Sick and tired.

Of giggles and gossip.

I think it's horribly unfair, really.

And I know he's brae and
a good example and all that.

- I'm just so fucking tired.
- Completely understood.

- Tired and...
- Angry, perhaps?

Like hell.
Embarrassed.

He can live out everything that he is, -

- but there's no room for me to...

I just wish he wasn't my father.

Sorry.

Hi, Nina.

First and foremost I love you.

Daddy loves you, baby girl.

And I understand you so well.

It's perfectly ok that you are embarrassed.
Perfectly ok.

Thank you, daddy.

But -

- you have to understand -

- that this is who I am.

And I have to be able to be the person
I was born to be, just like you.

Daddy used so many years -

- being something he is not.

Nina?

Nina!

- Are you satisfied?
- You're so dumb.

God damn niche character.

Three years.
Secondary school is three years.

In an institution worse than
any maximum security prison.

Only way to get through, is by
trying to remain unnoticed.

How do you think she's had it -

- when dad comes to the end of term
celebrations dressed as mrs Myhre?

Don't go there.
Are we going to let bullies...

You became Erik Elisabeth
long after you finished school.

Don't make her fight the battle
you didn't have to guts to do.

You're asking me to
be something I'm not?

I'm asking you to be something
you're not -

- just a little bit,
for Nina's sake.

Take all your principles and put them
in a nice little Marc Jacobs-bag.

Go against your wonderful nature
for a very little while.

For her. And get a grip on your crying.
No wonder she's moving out!

Don't teach me how to be a parent.

Enough with playing the victim!

You're the best human being
I know.

And you are so great with
your clients and friends.

But the one person in the whole world
worth sacrificing everything for?

You just can't do it.

Or is it that you can't be bothered?

Just play.
Come on, play.

Throw the balls...

Ladies and gentlemen,
she is originally from Spydeberg.

She lies about being infertile.

Here's the pathological liar
and most likely sociopath:

Maria Toulabi!

Then the audience applauds
and then you're on.

- Nervous?
- No.

- Not really.
- No.

Not for this.

- I have to tell you something.
- Ok?

Ok. I know you have stowed away
your telescope and such -

- and shelved the entire dream
of becoming an astronaut.

But can I show you a little something?

- It's quite allright if you don't like it.
- What is it?

You have to close your eyes.

- Properly.
- Ok.

You can look again on three.

One.

Two.

Three.

Thank you.

Life is like this:

Now and then, for a few seconds, -

- things feel completely perfect.

Hemingway said that happiness in
intelligent people is rare.

Perhaps he was right.

But sometimes
you actually feel so happy -

- that you think it will never end.

But it can.

Ow!

Call...

There's been a serious procedure.

We don't know if he can walk again.

We don't know exactly what his state
will be when he wakes.

- We'll let you know.
- Thank you.

- That was more than bad news.
- Yeah, but do you think...

- Is it ok if we go over?
- Yes, yes.

- Hi, honey.
- Hi.

- Everybody, yep.
- Yep.

Your hair is looking great.

Thank you.

Where is Elisabeth?

Home today.

And the worst bowler in Norway.

- Hi, Nina.
- Hi.

- Do I look as shit as I think?
- Yeah.

I really had intended to
give it to you for christmas, but...

I've got one just like it, so...

Now we're matching.

Perhaps it's not the right time for it, -

- but I've got something
for you, daddy.

Here.

The one you had -

- wasn't really your color.

Thank you so much.

Looking good!

I don't know these people.
Nice if you could get them out.

Not at all.

You look completely crazy.

I dreamt that we were discussing
the name of the baby.

And we started arguing furiously
because you wanted the baby to be called -

- Horse.

It's fun.

Does it hurt?

If it's a girl,
I've got a suggestion.

Sara.

Sara.

- She's got to have your last name.
- No.

- It'll be so hard to apply for work.
- She must have yours.

Sara Berntsen.
Then we're decided.

Sara Toulabi.
No argument.

- Sara Toulabi Berntsen.
- Sara Toulabi.

Stop!
Sara Toulabi Berntsen.

It was a lump in the lymph gland -

- which caused you to become ill.

You've had a bone marrow infiltration.

So I would like to start a new round of
chemo therapy as soon as possible.

He will start preparations for his show
in less than two weeks.

- How involved is it?
- Four to five hours a day for eight weeks.

That is doable.

- I have bone marrow infiltration?
- Correct

The body stops producing platelets?

That's the reason why we want to...

How many in my situation have
become better due to chemo?

As of yet there is no...

How many -

- in my situation have you heard about
who has become better with chemo?

What you're doing now is so... mean.

I understand it is a
difficult thing to tell somebody.

But you are depriving me of the chance
to say goodbye to my friends.

How long have I got?

- What are we talking?
- Six weeks. Approximately.

No, no, no.
Fuck that.

Six weeks? Where do you get that from?
A random number that you pick from...

Oh my god!

Thanks.

Would you open the door, please?

I need to be alone now.

You've been here before,
now I'm here.

I just have to -

- be alone for a bit.

This little light of mine...

I'm gonna let it shine.

This little light of mine...

I'm gonna let it shine.

Kasper?

Erik Elisabeth,
I've asked to be alone now.

Kasper.

Andrea is here.

How far is your girlfriend along?

13 weeks.

Yeah, you would've been a good father.

But I'm not gonna stand here and talk
nonsense. None of us have time for that.

I've got something for you.

It was Erik's idea.

"Last night with Kasper Berntsen."
What's that?

One night.
One show.

With you.

Kasper, shouldn't we just bomb Dresden?

You're gonna make a one-night
show with me -

- before I die?

- I know that you love money.
- Love money.

But to profit from my death, that...

We're not making a dime.
You're gonna make a ton of money.

Which will be managed until your kid is 25.

How many can the main stage hold? 500?

- At 500,- per ticket?
- Don't go that cheap.

- We'll charge 1000 per person.
- Say two shows in one evening.

One thousand times one thousand...
One million.

How much do you get then
if ten thousand come?

That is ten million.

- Right.
- But then you need more shows.

Or Oslo Spektrum?

Kasper, I simply told them about -

- an old childhood dream.

Wow!

Let's go.

Today it was announced that the terminally
ill comedian Kasper Berntsen -

- will attempt to fill Oslo Spektrum.

The 39 year old has been diagnosed
with late stage cancer -

- and it is uncertain whether he
will be able to stand on stage.

Fucking cancer everywhere!
It's radiating cancer!

Kasper fucking Berntsen!

There's the head.

And the spine.

Curious, do you still -

- not want to know the sex?

I think I have to know,
if that's ok.

It is a healthy little -

- girl.

Eight days left
until Kasper Berntsens standup show.

Far from sold out. Could it be
that people think it's too mordbid?

There's a chance he could
die during the show?

That is a major stress
for such a frail body.

I hope nobody are morbid enough that they
would take part in something like that.

Yes!

Then we're here, young man.

- Ready?
- Mm.

Looking great!

- I'm a bit short on time.
- I'll be as quick as I can.

Folding this nice shirt here, like so.

- Ok.
- Let's see...

Oi da!

Look down please.
Maria, would you fetch a basin?

Hi!

Come, come.

Jesus!

Kasper.

- I think we...
- Help me with my jacket.

No, relax a bit and gather your strength.

- No!
- He wants to.

Let him.

Erik, would you help me with my jacket?

Can anybody help me?

Are there nobody who...?

It's ok, Nina.

He's doing ok.

Come on.

Kasper, honey?

We'll just take a brief break, and then...

Could I have some assistance?

Vi skal få deg opp I sengen.

- Hello?
- They wonder when you're here?

It's packed here,
so it's quite...

Sorry.

We'll get you to bed.

That was it.

Hey?

- Wouldn't you do the show just for us?
- I would love to see it myself.

You've got free passes.
No rights whatsoever.

Legally speaking I could sue you
for breach of contract.

Yeah, ok.
Ok, Andrea.

Shut the door and turn off the light, -

- and I'll give you a show.

Andrea?

If you want a show,
you'll have a show.

Shut the door.

And then turn off the light.

You have to leave.
It is a one-man show.

Get out.
I need a spot, Erik.

Could you lift me a bit?

- What will happen, is...
- Stop!

Erik, a word?

The flow will be really poor
if there are interruptions...

That's spectacular!

Kasper? You were great, Andrea!

Kasper.

This...

This is Dunkerque. Right?

On the beach there's total chaos.

But if you look further out...

The boats are coming.

The boats are on the way, Kasper.

Just stay alive a little bit longer.

That is Dunkerque.

Nina, just be here.

Hey, it's me.

Listen very closely.

Ok.

Fine.

Hi!
Just be ready. Great.

I need to borrow a few things here.

I need that too.
We've got a small piano bit.

Oh, you're strong!

You looked so weak.

Hello, everybody.
I've received some bad news.

Kasper has had a medical emergency.

He's at the ICU and can't do
a show here tonight.

Strong grip!
No, no.

I see you love the piano.
No, not the drum!

But then you should browse to
comedyclub. no -

- and select "Last night with Kasper
Berntsen" on your mobile phones.

This should only be spend on candy,
nothing healthy. Great!

So:
"Last night with Kasper Berntsen" -

Thank you!

Ready, Kasper?

Nina, you can do the spot.

Ok?

Let's just go.

Going...

- Go!
- Hi, everybody.

- There he is.
- You can hear me, right?

- I can't hear you, can you hear me?
- Yes!

No point replying.

I'm very sorry
that I can't be there tonight, but -

- I'm rather busy dying.
Hope that's permissible absence.

And I'll try to get through as much
of the show as possible.

To aid me here I've got my very best
friend and agent, Erik Elisabeth.

By the way, he is single.

If anybody are looking for -

- a transsexual, heteronormative
northerner with emotional incontinence -

- and a fetish for WW II,
by all means do get in touch.

What will happen is this:

First... it's dark.

Nina, lights!

Now I can see you.
There you are.

Shit, so many of you!

Ok, first off the band -

- plays the drums from a
"Live in Las Vegas" opening.

Drums!

There you are.

Good, we paid way too much for you.

Then the dancers enter the stage.

Of course they've got a hairdo
suitable for the theme of the night.

And as they're dancing,
I do my entrance.

Inspired by Miley Cyrus who
came in like a wrecking ball, -

- I'll come down from the ceiling
on an enormous -

- cyst.

I jump down from the cyst,
stand at the front of the stage, -

- lots of pyrotechnics...
One, two, three!

Here I'm counting on the audience standing
and applauding enthusiastically.

And we're off.

Hello, everybody.

How are you doing out there?
How are you doing in the back?

Very good.

I am Kasper Berntsen.

Looking like a dick with ears.

that people with cancer -

- are a good resource.

"No, but I've got a strange
birthmark on my shin."

I was touched, until he said:

"And computer engineer."

"And seal."

Sorry.

I got chronic obstructive
pulmonary disease too.

Well, that wasn't so bad.

That was perfect.

Oslo Spektrum.

Oslo Spektrum.

Fuck.

It's ok.

Ok, I think I have to throw you out now.
I need to...

We'll try to sleep together.

You need to hurry, then.

Or you might be charged with necrophilia.

Don't you be like your daddy, then.

See you soon.

Bye, honey.
Bye.

Bye, dear.

Can I take this off?

Kasper Berntsen.

I love you.

Maria Toulabi.

I love you.

- Ok.
- There?

- Are you ready?
- Yeah, I am ready.

Hi, Sara.

My girl.

Daddy here.

I don't know -

- exactly where you are right now
or how you look.

But if you're mostly like your mom,
and least like me, -

- you're probably really beautiful.

I don't have a lot of time,
so I'll be brief.

Some advice from your daddy.

Life is something like this:

You're born.

You grow.

You get friends.

Many friends.

Some of them you'll perhaps take a
little better care of, than others.

But life doesn't turn out like you planned.

It never turns out like planned.

Life is like this:

There's no key.

But if you treat people well,
you'll get pretty far.

And if you start working with
something you enjoy -

- you don't need to work
a single day in your life.

Don't sign for any high interest loans.

Don't get a facial tattoo.

And promise you you'll be yourself.

Always.

With all bumps and wrinkles.

Your pluses and minuses,
your complexes and failings.

Just be yourself.

Just be yourself, my love.

For life -

- is...

You.

OCR & translation: ameneon