Nothing to Declare (2010) - full transcript
A Belge-Francophobe customs officer is forced to team up with a Frenchman during the elimination of the Franco-Belge borders in the 90s.
♪Translated by♪ XQ2☻♥
for Yael & Sarah
(Spring 1986)
Hello.
Hello, Jacques. You OK?
- The plat du jour?
- Please, I'm starving.
With red wine?
Are you nuts? No alcohol on duty!
Gimme a beer, instead.
Beer it is.
Jacques, cancel the special and
put the beer on my tab.
OK.
Ruben! Ruben!
Did you charge him for the paper?
- What paper? - Oh!☻
- Ruben!
- What?
I'm busy, Vanuxem.
We're screwed!
Look, they signed the deal!
[ ADIEU TO CUSTOMS ]
- In 7 years, it's over.
- No!
NOOOOO...!
Noooo...
Noooo...
[7 YEARS LATER]
[HAPPY NEW YEAR 1993]
[FOR SALE]
[GOING OUT OF BUSINESS]
[TO LET]
[CUSTOMS]
[NOTHING TO DECLARE]
Hands up, you heap of shit!
Go on! Go!
On the fucking ground!
- Don't shoot!
- Stay down!
Ruben?
Sleeping on duty, you fat slug!
Are you sick in the head?
I almost had a heart attack!
You were sleeping on duty,
Vanuxem!
I'm obliged to report it
to Willems.
- I wasn't sleeping.
- You were.
- I wasn't!
- What were you doing?
Reflecting.
Eyes closed, open-mouthed
and drooling? Reflecting?!
I was reflecting profoundly.
Do you profoundly take me
for a twat, Vanuxem?
Nobody comes at this hour,
except you.
Why do you come then?
Stay home, hm?
It's 5 AM, I slept 2 minutes.
Nobody died!
Want some coffee?
Nobody died?
NOBODY DIED?!
Come with me!
What do you see?
- The road.
- No, that. What is it?
Right there.
A line of yellow paint.
No, it's not simply
a line of yellow paint.
That is where our great
compatriots;
the people who wrote
our nation's history,
gave their tears, their blood,
their lives to protect our land.
That's why there's a
"line of yellow paint"
as you call it.
Never forget, Vanuxem, they struggled,
body and soul,
demonstrating loyalty,
strength,
and bravery
to rout multiple attempted
invasions of Barbarians!
*Camemberts among others.
(Frogs)
To stop them pillaging our crops,
raping our houses and
- burning our women! - Hm?
OK, reverse that.
It's right here, do you hear?
Where they stopped them.
Making this unassuming spot
the sacred land
of the Kingdom of Belgium.
So you see, this yellow
line is important.
Because, here, they fell.
Brave. Heads held high.
Sorry to contradict you, Vanuxem.
But yes, somebody died.
A whole Goddamn bunch of'em!
Excuse me.
Maybe I spoke hastily.
But look at how tense you've
gotten recently, really.
Apology accepted.
OK. Round up the brigade.
Operation Iron-fist.
- What, now?!
- Yes, now!
- Me too?
- Yes.
I was on duty all night,
I can't do dayshift too!
By the size of the drool stain
on your vest,
I'd say you're sufficiently
rested, Vanuxem, no?
C'mon, operation Iron-fist!
Go ahead, go!
What's the holdup?
500 meters in ½ an hour?!
Calm down, Monsieur.
No need to get excited.
- Borders not abolished yet?
- No, Jan. 1 is our last day.
- Some of us have work to do!
- Yeah, right.
Pull over there.
- What's this mess, Bakari?
- Vandevoorde's at it again, Chief.
Screwing with us,
right to the bitter end, huh?
Where are the others?
- Union meeting.
- Again?!
We have to strike. A massive strike!
All those in favor?
Greg, we're only 4 at Courquain.
5 with the boss, but
he won't strike.
Mathias, are you for striking?
Sure. Lemme finish this,
then I'll strike.
Thanks, guys.
We'll hit'em where it hurts.
What action will we take?
We'll block the border!
Halt all traffic!
Wait. If we block traffic,
it means we're working.
Customs officers halting cars,
means we're at work, no?
Then we'll let all the vehicles pass.
But if we let all vehicles pass,
aren't we complying with
the 'open border policy'?
Yeah.
Pain in the ass, both of you!
Greg, don't take it like that.
- Morning, chief.
- Morning.
Meeting's over.
Go help Bakari, she's swamped.
What the hell you doing,
Ducatel?
Installing the computer system.
- What system?
- Computer system.
the Ministry, sent it Friday.
You're one of the first online. Great.
The computer revolution is upon us.
This crap's enormous.
I can't even see my desk!
- Where's my typewriter?
- No need!
Thanks to this computer,
with a word processing app
linked by this cable
to a printer; also computerized.
If it's a ruse to swipe my carbon
paper there'll be hell to pay!
No, boss, I threw out
your carbon paper.
You did what?
You don't need it anymore.
Look at this.
I type a report,
or a declaration.
I click "Print".
Know how many months it takes
to get a re-supply of carbon paper?
Look, look!
What's this bullshit?
It's just an interface problem.
Oh, great! "Paper Jam"...
It even tells you what's wrong!
Ducatel, take your TV
and your air conditioner, and
put everything back the way it was.
It's the future!
MY future is MY typewriter
and MY carbon paper.
It's complicated enough
phasing out Customs
- Don't change my stuff around!
- As you wish.
If you're so keen, go tell
Vandevoorde to cool it
or I'll call Willems.
- Not Vandevoorde.
- It's an order, Ducatel, now!
Darling, how are you?
I told my boss
I missed you, he said:
"Isn't this your first
anniversary?" - Yeah
"What are you waitng for,
go kiss her!" So, here I am.
Now, the real reason?
Gotta tell your brother to cool it.
He's causing this pile-up.
Try to be nice to him.
Shouldn't he be nice to me?
Don't provoke him, is all.
Let's go together, hand in hand.
So he can kill us both.
So romantic, to die
in an embrace!
Got a message for my
"brother-in-law"?
There he is!
You ass Louise, you scared me!
Can you make an assortment.
About 300 grams?
- A bit of everything.
- OK.
Set it aside for me?
- See you soon.
- Yeah.
Hello.
The price is ridiculous!
Not even half of what we paid
8 years ago!
Best offer in 6 months,
Mme. Anus.
- JANUS! With a J, please.
- Pardon me.
You sold it to us!
Why not to someone else?
It's a gold mine.
It 'was', M. Janus. Was!
On January 1st, who will stop
at the border shops? Who?
Fine. We'll cope on our own
like grownups.
We'll toast your health,
with your 5%!
- Don't be like that.
- Enough!
You've wasted enough time.
Thanks, goodbye.
What do we do, now?
Find a pigeon, to sell it to.
One who hasn't heard
of the 'Euro zone'.
Someone like you.
Who doesn't read the press,
nor listen to radio,
just watches TV without
understanding.
Believe me, a dope of your caliber
won't be easy to find.
Vanuxem, ugh... search this.
What is it?
Oh, la!
Hello, first of all.
I come as a friend, I live
in a neighboring country.
Apparently traffic jams,
in my country,
originate in your country.
Am I mistaken?
You got no fucking business
in Belgium, especially in uniform!
My boss intends to call yours,
if you continue screwing around.
- You threatening me?
- Not threatning; notifying.
Get lost.
Ruben Vandevoorde, dammit!
Can't we try talking nice
just for once?
Do a Belgian accent again...
and I'll smash your face.
Got it?
- I didn't do a Belgian accent!
- Oh, no?! 'For once, ferr wantz!'
I swear, it wasn't
a Belgian accent!
Now I'm doing the accent!
'Ferrr waantz, yeah, wekhh'!
But before, it wasn't a Belgian accent,
'pomme-frrrittes!
You camemberts* feel
so superior, huh?
We are superior.
I'm kidding. Ruben, relax.
- OK, I better go, huh?
- Yeah.
Back to your country.
What did he want?
Disgusts me to think, this'll be
a leaky sieve for snooty frog punks!
The French don't worry me
as much as drug traffickers.
Oh yeah?
They're often the same.
Shouldn't we make 2 trips
M. Duval? It's a lot.
My last big score
before New Year's.
Who knows what'll
happen after that?
- There'll be only Mobile Customs.
- That's the problem.
Say, Tiburce,
your guy,
is he dependable?
I can't afford to fuck this up.
Slugger? He's a heavy hitter.
That's why he's called 'Slugger'.
Ex-con, prime choice!
Hey, Slugger?
Yeah.
OK, let's recap!
You arrive at customs,
what do you do?
I turn on the Cherry top,
and cross the border easily.
If they stop you?
Show the papers explaining I'm
tranporting a gravely injured man.
So, I'm in a hurry,
it's life and death.
- And?
- And?
And?
That's all.
No, Ducon, I told you,
most importantly,
you put on an innocent look.
Right, sorry Mr. Duval.
I put on an innocent look.
- Go on, show me.
-What?
Show me an innocent face.
Like so?
That's not innocent!
It's completely retarded!
Sorry, M. Duval.
I don't know how
to look innocent.
Ever since I was little,
I've been guilty. Always guilty.
OK, you gotta be both cool...
but intense.
Cool, but intense.
Not too cool. Or they'll sense
you have something to hide.
And not too intense, or they'll
sense you have something to hide.
- Understand?
- Yeah.
Look at me.
Like this.
Yeah, that's great.
Like that.
Don't get stopped.
It's better.
What are you doing?
What?
Where's the U?
What U?
The U.
Where, what U?
Slugger, you can read, huh?
- Yep!
- "Yep!"
So where's the U,
in ambulance? Dickhead!
There's a U in 'amblance'?!
W-wha... Hang on. Say again.
'Amblance'!
'Amblance'...
♪ Too-doo-doo!
♪ Too-dee-dee!
'Amblance', is what
I s'posed to have writted.
"what I s'posed to have writted."
Slugger!
Am-BU-lance!
BU!
BU! BU!
There's a BU here!
One BU ?
No, two.
Am-bu-bu-lance?!
C'mere
There! The U !
Add the U !
The U in "ambulance"!
Goddamit!
Yeah... 'heavy hitter'.
Just don't tell mama
I brought you.
It's our little secret.
Between you and papa, OK?
Why move the signposts, papa?
You see, Leo, they're not
ordinary signposts.
They're signposts
which define borders
between countries.
OK, look.
- What country am I in?
- In Belgium?
- And Begium is?
- The loveliest of countries.
- Now what country am I in?
- In France?
- France is the land of big...?
- Big ol' morons!
Leo,
now where's papa?
- In Belgium?
- In Belgium!
You got it!
It's not complicated.
We're making Belgium bigger.
It's great, papa!
Ah, no, Leo.
We're recovering what's ours.
It's not the same thing.
A long time ago,
the great Kingdom of Belgium
extended more than
200 km, all the way to Reims.
Remind me when that was.
Third century.
It was called Belgica Secunda.
Atta boy, Leopold.
- Why are you called Leopold?
- In homage to Leopold I.
First king of Belgium.
June 26, 1841.
No! 1831.
1831.
- Pardon, papa.
- No big deal!
Tell me,
what was the biggest screw-up
that King Leopold I made?
He married a Frenchwoman,
daughter of Louis-Philippe.
Another French moron.
Exactly.
I'm impressed, Leo.
You're your father's son.
What about the sky, papa,
is it Belgian or French?
The sky is Belgian.
Anything above Belgium
belongs to Belgium.
See, borders go right to the top!
And the stars; are they Belgian?
'Course they're Belgian.
But papa, the earth turns.
So those stars go to France
and become French.
No.
No. You see, stars travel abroad
but they don't like being there.
So they turn around
the earth all day
and at night, come to Belgium,
to sleep. Voila!
What're you doing?
I'm fitting the moon inside,
papa.
That way she can sleep
over with us.
I don't know what
the future holds,
but papa will always
be there to protect you.
Lord,
let Belgium
remain independent
and sovereign, no matter what,
and that a 'United Europe'
never happens. NEVER!
Pardon.
And protect my family, please.
Amen.
Oh yeah.
Lord, I beg you,
let my sister finally
find a husband.
A nice Belgian.
A home boy. Hm?
I couldn't be happier this year.
You realize it's our first
time out in public?
- I'm so happy.
- Me, too.
Wait here, I'll check inside.
If I'm not back in 5 minutes,
join me, OK?
Check what?
- That the coast is clear.
- No, Mathias. No!
- Mathias
- 5 mins. - No.
Mathias!
Mademoiselle, merci.
Good evening, Monsieur.
For M. Ducatel.
If you'll follow me.
S'il vous plaît, Monsieur.
Mathias! Mathias!
Mathias Ducatel! You-hoo!
Mathias!
-This is good news, see?...
- Jacques.
Hey, so, we had the same idea.
How are you?
Relax, don't tell
my wife you saw me,
and I'll be discreet too.
Nice of you, thanks.
Not 'nice', just natural.
It works both ways.
Got another table?
But you reserved
a romantic table.
This one's much more romantic.
- You'll be alone?
- Leave it!
I didn't get a romantic table
to eat alone!
And there she is.
Darling, what are you doing?
I prefer separate tables, in case
you run into someone you know.
Stop it, Louise. Come sit here.
OK, here are the menus.
Sort it out,
THEN, call me, huh?
Oh, what courage! I'm impressed.
Sorry I left you in the car.
It was lame.
You always do things halfway.
You make a decision but won't
assume responsibility.
No, I'm assuming it
Oh yeah? Prove it.
Darling, what is this?
Louise Vandevoorde, will you be
the woman of my life?
Oh my God.
- Tying your shoelace?
- No.
- Yes. - No. - Yes. - No.
- Yes. - No. - Yes.
Well?
- You asked my father? - No.
- My brother? - No!
- So what'll we do, Mathias?
- We elope. - Not without my family.
You're 30, you can't let
your family decide for you.
- That's not it.
- What, then?
I won't run away from Belgium,
much less, my family.
All right, I'll ask your father.
So, is it yes or no? Hm?
Yes.
Yes, about...?
- Yes?
- Yes!
- I love you.
- I love you, too.
Won't Ruben Vandevoorde
be thrilled?
What happened?
- I heard a noise.
- What's with you?
- There's someone!
- What?
A Frenchman!
You heard a noise,
not a Frenchman; a noise.
- A French noise.
- No.
Ruben, you'll wake Leopold!
Come back to bed!
Aren't you hungry, Ruben?
We'll go eat when no one
enters Belgium anymore.
Excuse me.
Could I cut through?
I'll just fill up at that
gas station and go back.
Do we Belgians
come to France for French gas?
No, because it costs more.
- More than in Belgium?
- Well, yeah!
Whaddaya mean,
"Well, yeah!" ?
Your gas is better than ours,
is that what you mean, hm?
Not at all. We have more taxes,
that's why yours is cheaper.
If our BELGIAN gas
is cheaper in BELGIUM,
it's because it's for us.
Piss off!
Hey, you have no right
to speak to me like that!
I have every right to quell
a *Camembert invasion in my country. (frog)
Piss off, do a 180. Zei*!
(I said?)
I'm not invading Belgium.
I just want gas!
He touched me!
Freeze!
Vanuxem!
Freeze!
Assaulting an officer in the
performance of his duty.
Vanuxem, cuff him!
You're getting a taste
of the Law.
You like the taste of asphalt?
Monsieur, can we go?
One second.
Forget about lunch, now.
Thanks a lot!
Let's see what's in there.
Head up.
Looks like somebody's home.
What have we got
in our little bag, hm?
- Off!
- Not the briefs, no.
No, I'm begging you.
Ruben. I think it's the
handcuffs behind him.
Oh yeah? Think so?
Yeah, how about that!
Incredible. See that?
Good equipment!
- Good detector! Is it Belgian?
- No, Chinese.
It's Chief Willems!
Good! All done.
You can go, you're free, buddy.
Vandevoorde!
Are you responsible for
that monster traffic jam?
Traffic jam? Where?
What did this gentleman do?
- Him? He's a suspect.
- What's he done that's suspect?
Chief, he's going about
in his undies.
Are you crazy?!
He told me to undress!
Me? No way!
Vandevoorde, what did this man do
to merit such treatment?
- Well...
- He's French, is that it?
No, I don't think so.
Yes, I'm French.
Ah, I... I didn't know.
Pleased to meet you.
Enough! In my office!
Pardon us.
Just weeks away from a
'United Europe', I take a dim view
- of your anti-French zeal.
- Anti-French? Me?
- No, I adore France.
- That's not how everybody sees you.
You better calm down.
You have a lousy reputation.
How's that possible?
I'm the greatest francophile in Belgium.
- Francophile now?
- Yes.
Oh, yeah, France is a lovely country.
Well you're in luck.
I've designated you for
an experimental
Mobile Customs Team; Mixed.
- Male-female?
- Franco-Belgian.
Hoh!
Lovely idea, chief.
Lovely idea!
But not me. I couldn't.
It's beyond my ability.
Anything but that. No, please.
Then, straighten up and stop
muckraking, Vandevoorde,
and maybe I'll choose someone else.
Go.
- To the future Paris computer expert.
- 'Information Technology'.
- Same thing.
- Not at all!
2 menus du jour,
I'm pressed for time.
I'll miss that guy.
Mme Janus, a toast?
No. Thanks, no.
I won't drink champagne
to celebrate the end of customs.
Poison, more likely.
- Irene don't take it like that.
- Oh, yeah?
How should I take it?
Sure, you don't care,
you're civil servants.
We're obliged to stay.
Only our profits will go away.
What about next year,
without customers?
Without customs or stores
no one'll stop.
With the single currency,
not even a bureau de change!
- What did I tell you?
- We didn't think about that.
It's noon. 3 months ago
there'd be 30 diners. Now, look!
- It's less and less full.
- There you are!
Irene, we promise all the
Customs agents in the region
will eat lunch here every day.
- Yes. - Promise.
- You can count on us.
We'll get the message out,
even in Belgium.
It won't get us out of this mess
but it's nice of you.
Jacques!
Yes, darling?
These messieurs-dames
will lunch here.
I'll attempt to find a place for them.
Well move, already.
(You're such a pain in the ass)
This is the dish?
I know, but we need to
economize.
See where this Europe shit
is leading?
He looks so miserable.
Wanna know what his real misery is?
He married a Frenchwoman!
And especially, making
a Belgian woman unhappy.
- Huh?
- Yeah!
The one he didn't marry.
Left her at the mercy of the
first Frenchman to come long!
That's why he's miserable!
A Frenchman crossing the border
asks a Belgian customs agent:
Could you check
if my front blinkers work?
Oh, my pleasure, 'forr onnnce'!
So the Frenchman
turns his blinkers on.
The Belgian goes in front,
leans over, concentrates,
and says,
Yes, they work.
No, they don't!
Yes, they work!
No, they don't! Yes...
Do you know why Frenchmen
like Belgian jokes? - No.
Because they laugh 3 times.
They laugh when you tell it,
laugh when you explain it,
and laugh, when they get it!
Allez! Let's split.
- We haven't eaten.
- Let's go! It reeks of Frogs.
Hey, Vanuxem, your cap!
I'm innocent.
Innocent, innocent...
I'm innocent.
- Not gonna check his papers?
- No, Vandevoorde will do it.
He'll let it pass, it's Belgian.
Bet you 50 F he won't.
Kingdom of Belgium Customs.
Paperwork.
Where are you going?
I'm transporting a serious case.
He needs an emergency transplant.
It means life or death to him.
And that makes you smile? - No.
- Yes.
- Oh, no.
Yes. You're smiling.
That's because I'm being
cool, but I'm tense.
Keep your hands on the wheel.
Oh, ah, argh!
Isn't it usually the organs
that get transported?
No.
- It depends.
- Depends on what?
Depends on the organ.
You have French papers,
for a vehicle registered in Belgium.
I'm French but I work in Belgium.
Eating the bread of
the Belgians, hm?
Can't eat bread. I'm on a diet.
OK... A joker.
Ruben.
Come, look.
Don't move.
Fuck, I knew there's no U
in 'amblance'.
Get out of the vehicle.
Gun it!
Step on it!
Get out of the vehicle!
Freeze!
Get out! Get out!
Freeze!
Freeze!
Step on it! Go!...
Wait, wait, wait!
Vanuxem!
Freeze!
What good are you, if you can't even
stop your own drug traffickers, huh?
Woah, watch your tone.
This is French customs.
You have no say, here.
Customs?!
It's a sieve, leaking frogs!
Enough. I don't wanna get upset.
Au contraire, Ducatel,
GET USPSET!
It'd be the first time
a SLUG got upset!
Don't insult me!
It's not an insult.
You ARE a slug, a tiny slug.
Get out, or I'll arrest you.
Oh, yeah?
Arrest me for what?
You just crossed the border
carrying drugs, no?
You filthy FROG TURD!
Excuse me, it went off
by itself!
VANDEVOORDE!
Bravo Mathias, well done.
He deserved it.
I'm afraid it'll make him
even more of a jerk.
Impossible, he's at maximum.
Come on.
- Hello?
- Please tell me he hit you first.
Sorry, honey, he started it
by insulting me.
You're worse than kids.
Grow up!
- I said I'm sorry.
- Apologize to him. - You're joking!
No. Make up with Ruben
before talking to my father.
No way. He poisoned our lives
for a year and I should apologize?!
- Yeah.
- Louise...
How have I harmed him, besides
being born 5 Kms that side of the border?
- He can go fuck himself!
- That's a stupid reaction.
No, I'm not stupid.
It's your brother.
- He's a big Belgian jerk!
- Don't say that about him.
It's true. He's a Belgian jerk
You're as racist* as he is.
(jingoist)
No! This situation's
driving me nuts!
I swear, sometimes,
I can't take it.
Why are we still together, then?
- Sometimes I wonder, too.
- I detest you.
- Wait, Louise.
- Don't touch me!
You're as nuts as your brother!
- Raised in the same Belgian family.
- I got a few Belgian words for you!
What, "we're all jerks"?...
No, no...
Louise, wait! Louise!
Ruben, what have you done
that's torturing your conscience?
I can sense it.
Father, I'm so ashamed.
Speak, don't be afraid.
God welcomes back
his lost sheep.
Even armed sheep, who shoot
Frenchmen in the back?
You shot a Frenchman in the back?
Shooting him isn't the problem.
It's that, when I hit him and he fell,
I felt immense satisfaction.
Like joy, almost.
Almost delight.
I sense it's wrong, Father.
My God, Ruben, where did you get
this fierce hatred of the French?
- My father.
- Yes, my son?
No, MY father.
I got it from my pop. - Ah!
You owe it to yourself
to love your neighbor.
As yourself. God ordains it!
I know Father, but...
My neighbor... if he's French,..
It just kills me. It's a reflex.
My French neighbor, no way.
If you continue in this hatred,
Ruben,
I can no longer absolve your sins
nor even hear your confession.
I sincerely regret.
And you'll go straight to hell,
for eternity.
Hell? For eternity, me?!
Yes, you'll never pass through
customs, in paradise.
There's Customs to get in
Paradise?
Of course. With a soul as dark as yours,
I'd be astounded if you'd pass.
Oh shit.
Messieurs, please.
Messieurs!
Madame!
Yes. Sorry, Bakari.
Please, go ahead.
Vandevoorde, we're listening.
Go.
Here's the thing...
I sincerely apologize
for what occurred.
I spoke uncivilly. Pardon me.
I was in the heat of the moment.
I shouldn't have provoked you.
I wasn't thinking.
My words overshot my intentions.
Excuse me.
I'm also sorry about what happened.
Excuse me.
No problem.
Good. Incident over.
The following concerns those staying on
in this sector's Mobile Customs.
Who'll volunteer for an experimental
Mobile Brigade; mixed, Franco-Belgian?
With whom?
What?
With which Belgian agent
do we team up?
With me.
All right, enough.
So, which one of you?
- It's a joke.
- Not at all.
No one would ever...
I would, I volunteer.
Ducatel, be serious.
I'm serious. I volunteer to
team up with Ruben Vandevoorde.
Ducatel, aren't you going
to Paris for that IT crap?
No, I changed my mind.
Fine! Now then, you start...
both of you, on Monday.
Rendezvous here at 9 for briefing.
- Why not brief them in Belgium?
- Ehh, nah...
We could alternate.
Let's not complicate things.
Keep it here.
How about the 'No-Man's-Land',
at least it's neutral.
Uh..OK.
No-Man's-Land is fine.
This is the main dining room.
It seats 60.
What are they doing?
A conferring...
So, Customs conferences,
without any purchases?!
You say 'yes' to everything!
No.
Except me.
May I show you the apartment?
We know that removing
fixed customs
will increase drug
trafficking by road.
So we must spread
out methodically.
You'll be left alone, in the sticks,
to your own devices.
And believe me,
that's a whole new ballgame.
- What's that?
- GSM portable phone.
- First one in the mixed detail.
- Look how tiny it is!
A wireless phone, crazy!
Use it only if you must.
Calls cost a fortune.
The government allowed,
for your training,
a one-time grant of 40,000 BF.
5,900 FF.
- That's all?
- Affirmative.
For a week's training, which,
unfortunately, won't take place.
Why not?
The purchase of your
International Intercept Vehicle
swallowed the total budget.
An International Intercept Vehicle
for 5,900 F? What kind of car?
- Well, obviously.
- It's grotesque.
Let me introduce your
3rd partner, Grizzly.
Grizzly?
What's with the mutt?
One of the best agents
in our department. - That?!
- For protection?
- Not protection.
But Grizzly has an uncanny
nose for all narcotics.
He'll be very useful on the road.
Gentlemen, in your vehicle.
Gentlemen, it's important that
this international experiment succeed.
- Count on us.
- Be a symbol of tomorrow's Europe.
Well, we're off to a good start.
Please...
Pardon.
Down, Grizzly.
Down, Grizzly!
Dog seems totally stupid.
Must be French.
I think he looks Belgian.
I'm kidding.
Pardon..
Why don't they stop?
Because this is not customs.
We look like a couple of clowns.
- They think we're a joke.
- You think so?
What the fuck am I doing here?
I wonder, too.
The world changes, we follow.
No! ... We submit,
it's not the same, Ducatel!
The world isn't changing.
It's going to hell and taking us along!
We need a stop sign.
- Car trouble?
- Customs checkpoint, Monsieur.
Customs? Oh, really?!
Waddaya mean, really?
Dunno, looks more like
car trouble, or being lost.
Monsieur, we're customs officers
and we're doing or job, OK?
- Do customs still exist?
- Not Fixed Customs, but mobile units, do.
Get out. I'll show you
if Customs still exist.
Don't get mad just
because he's French...
I don't give a fuck if he's a 'cheese eater'!
He's taking the piss out of us!
He's not taking the piss.
He asked why we're here.
I wanna know why I'm here, too!
- Serving a nation that doesn't care!
- Stop this...
Oh, well done, now he's gone!
Freeze!
No! Are you nuts?
- Don't do that again.
- Don't shoot at him.
He's escaping!
That's no reason to shoot him!
Fine. OK, what do we do
Mr. Know-it-All?
We take down his plate number.
Or we follow him,
but no shooting.
We're in France, here.
French jurisdiction; I decide.
I propose we chase him.
What do you think?
In that?
No, c'mon...
No! No!
Why so nervous, dearie?
No, everything's fine.
I like your brother's
colleague, Vanuxem.
He's nice, but not my type.
I'll marry someone I love.
Yeah, but I never see you
with a man.
- Papa, I gotta tell you.
- What?
You prefer women?
You're a dyke?
No, we don't say 'dyke',
we say lesbian.
Ah... You're lesbian.
No, I'm not, I tell you!
Then why don't you try
just one date with Vanuxem?
'Cause I don't wanna.
You know Vanuxem's a métis.
Mixed race.
- Really?
- Flemish-Walloon. A true Belgian!
Stop marrying me to whole of Belgium.
What's important is to find
the right one. - The right Belgian.
You're annoying.
Let's change the subject.
What is it?
I didn't notice. It's French water.
I want 'Spa' water!
They were out of 'Spa'.
Drink this, it's very good?
No, I want Belgian water!
Imagine the Alps are in Belgium
and drink! - No!
- Yes!
- No!
- You get on my nerves!
- So do you!
What's going on?
Oh, they can hear you outside!
Your sister's wants me
to drink frog water.
- Why'd you buy French water?
- The water's fine.
- It tastes bad.
- No.
If he wants Belgian water
give it to him.
- Thanks for your help.
- You're welcome.
Hm!
You're right, papa.
It grates a bit.
It has a dry aftertaste.
Filth!
Dry water, of course! The amount
of bullshit you spout is impressive.
♫ Don't talk to me like that, OK?
Pardon me if I offended you,
great savior of our nation. - What?
Aren't you the great defender of
Belgian justice, to the death?
Finished taking the piss?
No, I'm sick of your paranoid,
racist* delirium! (jingoist)
What racism*?
Loving your country doesn't
make you racist*, huh papa?
Yeah!
OK, enough. Stop.
Know what you need?
A nice little hubby, at home.
- Vanuxem!
- Good idea.
That's enough. I've had
my dose of you today.
-Where are you going, dear?
- Home.
Take note: Italian coffee, Taiwanese
percolator and Limoges cups.
Only the cookies* are local.
(speculos)
So, don't choke on them.
- Why are you here?
- I wanted to see you.
What are you doing
with my brother?
I apologised, and
I wanna be his friend.
So you and I can finally be happy.
No need for marriage.
It's no use, you're wasting
your time with him.
Why?
You were right.
My family are jerks,
but it's my family.
I'm not prepared to
break their hearts.
Sorry.
- Louise, Louise...
- No, Mathias. Please!
- Darling...
- No, Mathias
don't complicate things.
Help me, please.
It's over. It's better this way.
You won't regret
buying this place.
It's a gold mine, and runs itself,
doesn't it, Jacques?
True. The cash-flow alone...
verges on the indecent.
Why are you selling,
if it's such a good deal?
My husband is very sick.
He suffers from an
incurable disease,
gnawing at him,
little by little.
It's true, I must say,
I'm very sick.
Meanwhile we'd like to profit
from his illness.
I mean,
take a little time to...
To get better. And...
...so I have time to heal.
Time to cure an incurable illness?
Hm.
Hope springs eternal,
as they say.
Don't strain yourselves making up stuff.
I know your financial situation is dire.
Customs agents eat
lunch here every day.
That's exactly
what interests me.
How's that?
I, too, run a border business
threatened by a united Europe.
I sneak stuff from country to country.
Contraband?
Call it what you want.
It's nothing nasty.
Hi-fi equipment, cigarettes,
to boost my monthly cash-flow.
What would you do in my place?
We prefer to remain honest, Monsieur.
Let me make you a proposition.
- We'll have no part of your scheme!
- Calm down, they'll hear.
Don't look.
Do NOT look at them!
Bonjour.
Look, Irene, I'm...
I'm not asking you to smuggle.
Just keep an open ear on their table
to know where and when they
set up the mobile customs.
We won't stoop to that.
How much is in there?
Irene, return the envelope,
immediately.
No, keep it for now.
- Go serve Vanuxem.
- Out of the question!
It's no big deal.
I'll contact you soon;
you can give me information
or return the money.
Take the time to reflect on it.
I've reflected.
[CUSTOMS - DO NOT PROCEED]
It's not that I detest the French,
it's the French who are detestable.
Yeah, you're right.
- You agree?
- Of course,
we're often arrogant,
scornful, moaners. - Exactly.
Take 'Belgian jokes'.
You're right, they're detestable.
Glad you recognize that.
Why do you think my
colleagues mock you?
- They're frog assholes!
- No, they're jealous.
- Jealous of what?
- Jealous of you!
You're the best agent on the
Franco-Belgian border, no?
Probably.
You could guard the border alone!
They can't hold a candle to you,
and, to get even,
they take the piss.
Think so? - Yes, they resent
that you're better.
Basically, it's a mark of respect.
- Belgian jokes are respect?
- Pure admiration.
It's enough to say,
"I admire you"
then it's clear. What a
mal entendu! - Oh, yeah!
Why is your language called French?
In Belgium it should be Belgian.
Absolutely!
And the Belgian Franc.
Belgian 'Franc'; it's an aberration!
Why not 'Belgar'?
Like the Dollar.
- 'Belgar!'
- Sounds good.
- What do I owe you?
- 15 Belgars!
Keep the change!
See, you toss the spike strip
under a vehicle that won't stop.
and it pops its tires.
Customs!
Oh, no!
Shit, shit...
Shit, shit!
Damn, it's the guy
in the ambulance!
Freeze!
Freeze!
We can catch him.
It's just a diesel van! Quick!
C'mon, gun it!
Oh, no, don't tell me
I drove over it! Did I?
What do we do now,
lost in the middle of nowhere, hm?
Now what!
The portable phone!
- What?
- The portable phone!
There!
- Courquain, Customs!
- Hello? Vanuxem, it's Ruben!
Vanuxem!
Tell the guys, call the police.
- We got a runner!
- A burgundy-coloured van.
A contraband runner.
Burgundy van, with plate prefix
75 (Paris plates)
*Camembert, 75!
Route d'Anor. Direction: Chimay.
I repeat...
Kh, kr gg, hh...
Hello?
OK? On their way?
Are they coming?
No, they're not!
Costs a fortune
and it doesn't work!
Hello?
The experiment is a failure.
A bitter failure.
This circus must stop.
We're ridiculous.
He's right.
The mobile unit is useless.
No one takes us seriously.
Our equipment's inadequate.
Ending customs is
a bullshit move.
Strategically, economically
and it's unpatriotic.
It's a enormous fuck up!
We should stop it.
I'm sorry to say,
but our report will be...
- stinging, huh?
- Oh, yeah!
Vandevoorde, you're not
so naive as to think
a single report is enough
to stop the process?
- Careful, we could strike.
- Absolutely!
Are you both dreaming!
If you mobilized the agents and
border people it changes nothing!
The Courquain customs post
will disappear, definitely.
Like all other fixed
European posts.
It's fi-nished!
Voila. Debriefing's over.
- And get the Renault 4L back in shape.
- At your expense, of course.
Goodbye, messieurs.
Goodbye.
I never thought
it would come to this.
Look at this road.
It's deserted.
- Depressing.
- Don't let'em get you down.
Let's get a fix on our objectives.
Who's our real enemy?
- The French?
- No, drug traffickers!
Yeah, them too!
So, before January 1st, we gotta
arrest those bastards, huh?
We can't even manage by car,
and you figure on foot?
My brother could help you out.
- Isn't he in jail?
- No, he's out.
It's a lot of work.
Just change the tires.
While we're at it, new hubcaps.
Careful there,
we have a tiny budget.
Because it's for you, Bruno...
come back tomorrow at 2:15.
It'll be ready.
Let's go kids!
Let's go, move it! Move it!
They're so annoying.
I gotta yell all the time.
What? Anything wrong?
I'd like to go on mobile patrol.
I'm depressed, here alone.
You miss me, Vanuxem
that's why you're depressed.
Yeah, sorta.
I liked it better when you yelled.
Now I'm bored.
Take a nap!
You'll see a lot of me,
when you're my brother-in-law.
- Don't like the beer?
- Wrong pipe.
Brothers-in-law?
Let's see if I like your sister
enough to marry her.
Oh, don't get uppity!
She's a lovely girl, but...
She's a pain in the ass. She is.
- You're going together?
- No, I'm still on the fence.
Excuse me.
How are you?
- I should ask you.
- Yeah, fine, fine.
Nadia's not here?
She took a posting at the
Finance Ministry.
Shit, we didn't even
say goodbye.
Hey, guys!
Well?
Come eat with us.
How you doing? OK?
Vanuxem.
Next time...
just say you admire me.
That'll do. OK?
I understand you're jealous.
No need to take the piss
outta me, OK? OK?
- Sure.
- We can do that.
Three carbonnades flamandes.
(Flemish stew)
Thanks.
A gift, for my French friends.
Superb, new portions!
Is Jacques becoming generous?
It's just beef in beer sauce.
Mobile customs
must make you hungry.
Being in a car all day, no?
No, we do fixed checkpoints
too, on side roads.
Really? But like...
whereabouts do you do that?
It was just gathering dust.
Supercharged Alpine V6,
250 horsepower. 3,000 cc's.
Maximum speed, 300 Kph*
(190 MPH).
That's more than hubcaps!
It's magnificent!
Are you allowed to put such
a big motor in the 4L model?
Why not, huh?
All Renault parts,
nothing but Renault.
Awesome, eh?
- Thank you, sir.
- You can go.
- Merci bocoo.
- Have a good trip.
♪ I believe I can fly
♪ I believe I can touch the sky
♪ I think about it
every night and day
♪ Spread my wings and fly away
♪ I believe I can soar
♪ I see me running
through that open door
♪ I believe I can fly
♪ I believe I can fly
♪ I believe I can fly
Thank you so much. Delicious.
Thanks for inviting me, Ruben.
Thank YOU, Mathias, for defending
me in front of the brass.
No need for thanks.
It didn't serve any purpose.
Thanks anyway.
My husband thanking
a Frenchman? I'm floored!
Mathias isn't a camembert*
like the rest. (frog)
He's a good one.
And there aren't many.
The exception that
confirms the rule.
No, Ruben, we're all the same.
When you take an
interest in people
you realize they're like you and me.
Different origins and cultures,
is all. No?
Lovely speech, but not for me.
- Are you married?
- No, I'm single.
But there's someone
in your life?
It's complicated.
Complicated? Excuse my indiscretion,
but why complicated?
How can I put it?
I'm madly in love
with a woman who's...
... black.
And her family hates whites.
So, we're no longer together.
- That's awful!
- Yeah.
- Is she beautiful?
- Oh yes, magnificently!
No, it's so silly. Too silly!
Mathias...
- Can I offer some advice?
- Please do.
If I were you,
I'd go see her family,
and convince them
to give you a chance.
You're in love, hm?
Love always conquers all.
- Aww!
- It's true!
I'll remember that
when I go talk to them.
On hearing the Good News,
the three Magi, each brought
a gift to the baby Jesus.
Allez.
Allez!
Voila.
And speaking of 'good news',
one of our most faithful families,
the Vandervoorde's,
has asked me to
announce the engagement
of Louise Vandervoorde
to a parishioner
whom we'd like to see
more often at mass,
Bruno Vanuxem.
Our best wishes
to the betrothed!
You shouldn't have turned
back with the drugs.
- I can't do this.
- Listen up.
I lost 30 kilos of dope
in that ambulance.
I have to make up for it, quick.
- It's the only way.
- I can't do it.
Do it for me.
You know, it's common practice.
You won't be the first
nor the last.
- It'll never fit.
- Sure, it will.
You need to be relaxed.
- It'll slip in by itself.
- Impossible.
- I can feel there's no room.
- Don't be a defeatist.
Here.
Look.
Start with little ones.
And the big ones...
will just follow.
- I'll sew 2 or 3 in my coat lining?
- No, no, no!
We'll take no more risks.
You have to put it all in your...
I'll leave you to it.
I'll wait outside.
Here.
If you need help...
don't call me.
All done? It all fit?
See? It wasn't so complicated.
Shall I bring you the money
the same way?
Yeah... No! No way.
Put it in the door panels.
Use this route, both directions.
According to the Janus',
no one's ever there.
- It'll take too long!
- Maybe.
But it's better than getting
nabbed at the border. - OK.
Oh! Ooh!
- What? - I think I better hurry!
- Well drive on. Go.
We forgot to wish each other
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas, Mathias.
Thanks.
Something wrong?
- You don't look good.
- I'm not.
You had a bad Christmas dinner.
No, it's because of you.
Me?
I can't stand your stupid
Belgian mug! - No!
I can't stand your
potato-eating gob! Got it?
I love Belgium,
I love Belgians
I hate you because you're
a racist* asshole!
There, I said it!
I'm French, so FUCK OFF!
Mathias?
What is it?
I'm outta here. I can't take this.
I'm quitting.
I came to say good bye, and
wish you well with Vanuxem!
I'm not gonna marry Vanuxem.
Stop it. The priest told
everybody at church.
That was my brother's doing
and I gave him hell for it.
You were at the Chimay church?
- Yes.
Oh shit. Ruben!
Oh shit.
Shit!
Shit! Shit! Shit!
Ruben, I swear I was testing you.
To see if our friendship
could take it.
And?
- I dunno, you tell me.
- Oh, yeah?
There! You had that coming
a long time.
- Feel better, now?
- No. - Why not?
This is for your crack about
my 'potato-eating gob'! Scumbag!
Look! Wait!
Fuck, it's the red van!
Drive!
Step on it!
- Shit! Shit!
- I'll gun it through!
Are you crazy, that's a gate!
Too bad!
I swear it wasn't me. I'm innocent.
I never heard of Courquain Customs!
You take us for idiots,
ambulance man?
Why are you driving like
a maniac on back roads?
I'm in a hurry.
My family's waiting in Brussels.
At first sight,
the car looks empty.
I'm calling to check the plates
but I have no signal.
Grizzly. Grizzly!
Why's Grizzly sniffing his ass?
Yeah, really, why's the dog
sniffing your ass?
No, it's normal.
All dogs sniff asses.
It's a dog's favorite activity;
sniffing asses.
No, dogs sniff dog's asses,
not men's.
And you're no dog
as far as I know.
But I have a dog.
He must smell my dog's scent.
Let's go to the hospital
for an x-ray. - Why?
To find out why
your ass smells of dog.
Easy.
I say, you're phenomenal!
Look, Mathias.
No wonder Grizzly got excited.
He has 30 balls of drugs
up his derriere. - Well, voila!
It's impossible.
How's that, 'impossible'?!
You didn't realize?
No, really.
I dunno how drugs got up my ass.
Somone planted it
behind my back.
Some guy came along, shoved
30 balls up your bunghole,
- and you don't know how?
- Yeah!
Oh my God, my God!
How is it possible?
I dunno, I'm trying to
figure that out.
Think hard.
Maybe the gentleman fell asleep, ass up.
Yeah, or maybe...
his wife is cuckholding him
with an evil magician.
- Abracadabra!
- Ooh! What's that?
- Guess. - A rabbit?
- No drugs!
- Now, that's magic!
- Great magic!
When you woke up,
you felt nothing?
Oh, sure! It itches a bit.
- It itches?
- Well, it's plastic!
It itches, huh?
All right, cut it out, it was me.
Happy? It was me!
What kind of sentence
am I risking?
In Belgium, that quantity.
10 years in the can.
Unless you give up
the seller and the buyer.
No thanks. Don't wanna
wind up in a canal.
Fine. Let's go to Narcotics Squad
- They'll take care if you.
- What'll they do?
They'll take out the drugs,
weigh it and put it back in.
Really?
They might include
a transmitter, a mic.
A walkie-talkie.
- No.
- So they can keep track of you.
Plenty of room up your ass, huh?
Ideally we should cover
this sector.
According to the DNOD
there's a lot of night traffic,
it's sparsely inhabited
and close to the autoroute.
So, we should set up here.
And put some guys at the tolls.
How about you, Vanuxem, hm?
- At the toll booths.
- Yeah!
You got my guy busted!
You gave me that fucking route!
Calm down, they'll hear you.
I swear, they never
mentioned that spot.
This is impossible!
You screwed up!
You fuck up everything.
It's not my fault
if they changed their mind.
How do I get my
merchandise back?
Yeah, how does he get
his merchandise back?
I'm asking you, too.
Really? Well, he was
supposed to write it down.
We'll return your money.
What's left of it.
You spent it already?
Can't you shut up,
now and again?
It was 10 times as much.
Plus, what he had up his... car!
What are the doing in the kitchen?
Jacques?
Jacques!
I better go or they'll come here.
No, they're around the map.
Go and memorize
all you can. Got it?
- Is that clear?
- It's clear.
Go!
Jacques, we promised to eat lunch
not spend the day.
Yeah, I was in the kitchen, so...
Jacques.
- Jacques?
- Yes?
Move the dishes so I can
fold my map, please?
Oh, excuse me.
Should I clean up?
- No, it'll do, thanks.
- As you wish.
- Jacques?
- Yes?
The plates.
Where's my head?
- I'll order a la carte.
- A la carte.
- Here.
- The menu. - Oh, yeah...
Hot damn, bingo!
We got this guy.
Let him come.
Customs!
Come closer, c'mon.
C'mon!... He won't stop.
What the hell's he up to?
Ruben, move, he won't stop!
He'll stop, alright!
Move, Ruben,
I have the spike strip.
Freeze!
You all right?
Thanks.
You'd do the same for me.
I don't think, so.
What are you doing here?
You're crazy to come
in Duval's car!
- I almost killed Vandevoorde.
- What?
He almost killed me, too.
You ran into Vandevoorde?
I swear, I'm jinxed!
Didn't recognize you, I hope.
No. If he'd recognized
me he'd be here.
He shot at me.
You OK, hon? Not injured?
Oh, lucky it wasn't our car!
I quit. It's too risky.
- That was my last run.
- What? Wait!
Look.
Look what Duval gave me.
Look, double what we agreed on.
Payment, plus an advance
for the next run.
There is no next run.
We're quitting, it's over.
Jacques, please.
2 or 3 more runs, please!
No, Irene. I said it's over.
We earned enough.
We got our heads above water.
I don't want my head above water
Damnit, Jacques,
be a ambitious for once!
We won't get another
chance like this.
We have the opportunity
to make a lot.
A lot of money.
*... Happy New Year. [DU]
Happy New Year, to you too.
Dank je wel.
(Thanks)
Hi, Jacques.
Hi.
You don't seem happy to see us.
Sure, but...
I feel funny. Last day
of customs, and all.
Ah, tell me about it!
Glass of champagne?
It's the end of the Courquain crossing,
we're not in a party mood.
Give us a pick-me-up.
Something stiff.
We need it.
So do I.
Thanks, Jacques.
Allez.
- Happy New Year.
- Happy New Year.
Farewell, customs.
First time I don't feel like
celebrating the New Year.
Doing anything tonight, Mathias?
No, nothing special.
You can't be alone on
New Yer's Eve! - Sure.
Come with us for dinner
at my dad's. Me and Vanuxem.
I don't fit in with your father,
I'm French.
But, you imitate the Belgians so well!
"Allez, forr wonnce!"
No, no. Don't even think about it.
- Come with us.
- No!
It's all in the clothes. Look.
You're about Vanuxem's size.
The uniform makes the man.
I'm a little bigger, no?
- Happy New Year.
- You're telling me!
Bone sawer*, (bonsoir)
M. Wonderwaffle, 'for once'.
Who's this?
Mathias, a new colleague.
He comes from...
- Liege, huh, Mathias?
- Yes, 'for once'.
Happy New Year,
M. Wonderwaffle, 'for once'.
Damn right!
Stop saying 'for once' all the time.
Really?
They're here!
Mathias?
From Liege, yes.
From Liege?
Olivia, my wife.
- Enchantée.
- 'Bone sawer'.
Leopold, my son.
- We'll wake him for the fireworks.
- Great.
Louise, my sister.
'Bone swear'.
Pleasure to meet you, 'for once'.
Ruben didn't say he had
'zuch a cute zister'.
- Mathias?
- Yeah?
Come sit.
Thanks. 'Ferry' kind of you.
Funny, I don't find your
accent to be from Liege.
My sister's trying to be cute,
and a troublemaker.
Pass the bread, please?
- Sure.
- Thank you.
Well?
It's because I was
'porn' in 'Prussels'.
Really? You don't have a
Brussels accent either.
My 'barents' moved a lot
when I was 'liddle'.
Where did they move to?
Will you quit bugging him, hm?
Excuse my daughter, she has
issues with men; she's a dyke.
- Papa!
- Oh, pardon me. Lesbian.
What's your problem with men?
What have they ever done to you?
That may be it.
No man EVER did anything to her!
You're such a twat when you
put your mind to it. - Exactly.
That's enough, you two. Eat.
Bon appetit!
You OK?
Are you nuts? Coming to see
my father in that get-up!
I put it on, because
I love you - Shut up!
We could start again
from the beginning.
Stop your nonsense.
It's not nonsense! We fall in love,
with your family as witnesses.
They'll have to accept me,
I'm sure.
Wanna drink, Mr. "Liege"?
Sure, a digestif
Gladly, for once.
- What's that lame accent?
- A Belgian accent.
Say you don't love me,
and I'll leave, right now.
We must stop seeing each other.
What are you doing?
Did you understand me Mathias?
Are you crazy?
What are you doing?
I can't live without you.
I missed you! I want you!
You're nuts.
My family's outside that door.
It's all set. Your brother loves me.
I'm beginning to appreciate him.
He insisted that I come here.
If he walks in on us,
what'll he say?
You're so beautiful, you smell so good.
You drive me wild.
Stop, they'll wonder
where we are.
- I don't care.
- Mathias, not here.
- Not here?
- Not here.
No? Not here?
- Shit!
- Oh, no.
- Anyone in the toilet?
- Yeah, it's busy!
I gotta drain the lizard.
Hurry!
Go piss in the garden. - No!
No, it's freezing. Open up.
Two seconds!
-What're you doing?
- Hiding!
No, out the window.
- Not outside!
- Hurry, jump out!
- Jump!
- It's cold! - I don't care.
It'll cool off your libido.
Easy, easy.
My clothes!
Hurry!
Finally! What were you doing?
Why'd you open the window?
Because I went caca.
Where'd 'Mr. Liege' come from?
I was out, checking on the fireworks.
That's at midnight.
Won't be long, 'for once'!
Thanks again and happy New Year.
You said it!
- Bye. - Bye.
- Bye, papa.
- Night, papa.
- Bye!
Louise, drop off Vanuxem,
if you don't mind.
- Sure, if you like.
- I'll come with you.
No! You come with me.
I'll take my wife and son home.
Then I'll drop you off in France.
Goodbye and happy New Year.
Happy New Year.
Why'd you stop here?
I have a favor to ask.
- Good evening, Father.
- What's the matter, Ruben?
Everything's fine.
I just wanted to wish
you a happy '93,
and tell you, I've made
some very good resolutions.
I also want to introduce
my friend...
Mathias...
- Ducatel.
- Voila.
- Good evening, Father.
- Good evening, my son.
He's a Frog.
Yes, and?
I'm friends with a Frenchman.
Me; a French friend!
Good for you, Ruben.
Not just 'good', Father,
it's formidable!
Sure... Father,
for afterwards...
You know, the Customs.
Upstairs.
Well, you know, Ruben,
the ways of the Lord
are impenetrable.
Yeah.
Tell him how well we get along.
It's true.
We work together and like
each other a lot. - A lot, a lot.
We're friends, huh?
Tell him where you're from.
- Huh?
Tell him where you're from.
- France.
- France!
- I'm French.
- French from France.
Feeling fellowship with a
child of God, whoever he is,
is nothing exceptional.
- Well...
Besides if you're doing it to
obtain something from the Lord,
- that's bad.
- Not at all.
I didn't know before.
I wasn't second-guessing.
No, it's a beautiful friendship,
simple and loyal,
between two good buddies.
- Huh, my friend?
- Yes, my friend.
My friend.
However, I'm not without
an ulterior motive
and I know you'll understand what
I have to confess, my friend.
Certainly, my friend.
Ah, excuse me, what
did you just say?
I got close to you because
I love your sister and
want to marry her.
You saw her once.
No, no, no.
We've been going together
for over a year. In secret.
Goddamn you.
You've been porking
my sister for a year,
you little motherfucker?!
Vandevoorde!
Yes?
Watch your language
in the Lord's house!
Father, the prick has been
fucking my sister for a year!
Get out! You're unworthy
to be in church!
Bastard! I'll bash your face in!
You shitty little Frog!
Filthy liar!
Not in the Lord's house. Father!
Ruben, violence leads nowhere.
Calm down or you'll go
straight to hell !
I don't give a fuck about hell!
I'm gonna burn
this Frog turd!
Ruben, my friend...
I'm NOT your friend!
- Your sister loves me!
- Shut your trap, Camembert*!
Louise!
What's going on?
I told your brother,
he went nuts!
Forgive me.
Go ahead, shoot.
Kill me in front of your sister!
Go on!
NO!
- You'll have to kill us both.
- Outta the way!
I'm unhappy without this
'filthy Frog' as you say. - Move!
You know why we split?
Each time I woke up in his arms
my first waking thought was...
how to avoid this
drama with my family.
How do I know you didn't fall
for him as a provocation?
Just to fuck your family!
Yes! I'd hoped there'd
be no future in it!
I even regretted
my words of love.
But when he proposed
to me I was blown over.
Really, blown over.
And I was afraid...
of your dumb-fuck racism*.
(jingoism)
That's why I'm not with
the love of my life, Ruben.
I love you.
I love you, Louise.
Darling, I love you.
I love you.
Happy New Year, Louise Vandevoorde.
Happy New Year, Mathias Ducatel.
-1 don't want us ever to part again.
- Me neither.
- Hello.
- Is Ducatel there?
- Yes, he is.
- Put him on.
For you.
This is Mercier. Come right away.
- Yeah.
A BMW ran the checkpoint
at 200 Kmh.
- OK. Coming.
- Hurry.
Quick as I can.
Gotta go, a BMW
got away doing 200.
They want me to intercept it.
Be careful.
It's Ruben that worries me.
Hello? We're in position.
Can you hear me?
Hello? Hello?
Aw, shit!
They missed it at the toll.
A BMW, midnight blue,
with French plates.
- Not gonna say "I knew it"?
- What?
I said French plates.
You don't say "Obviously"?
No!
Ruben, I just want
Louise to be happy.
Live your whole life
with my sister.
Because the day you separate,
I whack you. Got it?
I'm so glad we'll be
brothers-in-law.
Talk to me about that
after the divorce.
That's it! Go!
Stick to them!
Don't lean out!
It's too dangerous!
We're going too fast!
Move!
Oh, god!
It's OK.
We got'em!
We'll fit. We can make it!
Fuck!
Try not to lose the motor, too!
Freeze!
Cut your engine!
Out of the car!
Hands up! Hands up!
Jacques, what the fuck
are you up to?
Nothing, just transporting
some cartons of cigarettes.
- Why did you run?
- I didn't see it was you.
Anyway, it's contraband.
Gimme your keys. Your keys!
- What're you doing?
- I'm cuffing you! - Why?
You're being detained at customs.
You've known me for 20 years.
You wouldn't arrest me over
some cartons of cigarettes?
- Cartons of cigarettes?!
- What's that? - Shit.
Apparently cocaine,
a large quantity.
I swear I didn't know.
I didn't check the trunk, but...
Does your wife know,
you're trafficking?
Absolutely not!
I hadn't the foggiest!
My God, Jacques,
what have you done?
I didn't know it was drugs.
I swear, Irene.
Every time he said cigarettes.
This wasn't the first trip?
No, the fifth! Huh, kitten?
Can't you sidestep one
from time to time? No?
Sorry, my love.
Mathias, Ruben, we couldn't
make ends meet without it.
Are we risking prison?
10 years and a few
million in fines.
This can't be!
- Unless they cooperate.
- How's that?
If thanks to you we get
the whole ring,
you'd be considered as
informants. - Informants?
Like we'd infiltrated them?
Sort of, yeah.
You'd be free up to trial,
with a good defense, you'd get a
suspended sentence and parole.
- Maybe jailtime for you, Jacques.
- No problem.
We'll cooperate. Agreed?
- Oh, yeah!
I'll take the whole rap.
I don't want Irene
going to jail.
That's all I need!
So, it all went well?
Great! A-OK.
Nothing to report. Super!
What's that?
That's...
Nothing terrible.
Just a fender bender, like they say.
But I made a run for it and...
no consequences.
Rest assured, Mr. Duval,
the entire drug haul
is in the trunk.
You know it's drugs?
No, I meant cigarettes.
But, I must say,
there's an atmosphere
of drug smuggling, here.
So, it's just a little
slip of the tongue.
You piece of shit!
- Gendarmerie!
- Police!
Hands up!
Hands up!
Lemme see your hands!
Drop that!
Lemme go!
Stop! Stop!
Don't move!
Look at me!
Jacques!
Jacques, you all right?
No, not really.
Please, please...
To the success of the first
Franco-Belgian mobile unit!
Tut-tut-tut...
Belgo-French!
Wonderful.
Say, when did you start
working for us undercover?
- Oh, a long time!
- Very long.
From the start...
I'll tell you everything
No, Jacques.
This isn't the time.
Why not?
- Because it's not!
- But why?
It's not the time, that's why!
- Anyway...
- No!
You're priceless!
Let's celebrate! Let's celebrate!
Toast your health!
We can do both.
They contacted me...
OK, Jacques!
At first, when we got this place...
- Jacques, Jacques
You're such a twat!
The king of twats!
Oh, such a moron!
What a moron!
Do I have to be in the car,
with him, Inspector?
No, Commissioner.
I should've guessed...
Hey, what's with you?
Jacques, help! You brute!
Here, I've had this in my pocket
for a while.
Found it under my couch.
Dunno whose it is.
Any chance it's ...?
Yes, it's mine.
Ah!
We belong to a single
species, kiddo. Humanity.
And we share
a single planet. Earth.♥
The Earth belongs to everyone.
Every...
That Camembert* can't park there!
Can't park there!
Fuck! A Chink!
Papa, is the earth
for the Chinese too?
Sure, but not this bit.
Hey, gook!
You can't park there!
You. Car. Vroom, vroom!
Scram-ski!
Are you out of your mind,
talking to me like that!
What?
- Got a problem?
- No, no.
Freeze! Freeze!
Be right back, sweety!
♪Translated by♪ XQ2☻♥
for Yael & Sarah
(Spring 1986)
Hello.
Hello, Jacques. You OK?
- The plat du jour?
- Please, I'm starving.
With red wine?
Are you nuts? No alcohol on duty!
Gimme a beer, instead.
Beer it is.
Jacques, cancel the special and
put the beer on my tab.
OK.
Ruben! Ruben!
Did you charge him for the paper?
- What paper? - Oh!☻
- Ruben!
- What?
I'm busy, Vanuxem.
We're screwed!
Look, they signed the deal!
[ ADIEU TO CUSTOMS ]
- In 7 years, it's over.
- No!
NOOOOO...!
Noooo...
Noooo...
[7 YEARS LATER]
[HAPPY NEW YEAR 1993]
[FOR SALE]
[GOING OUT OF BUSINESS]
[TO LET]
[CUSTOMS]
[NOTHING TO DECLARE]
Hands up, you heap of shit!
Go on! Go!
On the fucking ground!
- Don't shoot!
- Stay down!
Ruben?
Sleeping on duty, you fat slug!
Are you sick in the head?
I almost had a heart attack!
You were sleeping on duty,
Vanuxem!
I'm obliged to report it
to Willems.
- I wasn't sleeping.
- You were.
- I wasn't!
- What were you doing?
Reflecting.
Eyes closed, open-mouthed
and drooling? Reflecting?!
I was reflecting profoundly.
Do you profoundly take me
for a twat, Vanuxem?
Nobody comes at this hour,
except you.
Why do you come then?
Stay home, hm?
It's 5 AM, I slept 2 minutes.
Nobody died!
Want some coffee?
Nobody died?
NOBODY DIED?!
Come with me!
What do you see?
- The road.
- No, that. What is it?
Right there.
A line of yellow paint.
No, it's not simply
a line of yellow paint.
That is where our great
compatriots;
the people who wrote
our nation's history,
gave their tears, their blood,
their lives to protect our land.
That's why there's a
"line of yellow paint"
as you call it.
Never forget, Vanuxem, they struggled,
body and soul,
demonstrating loyalty,
strength,
and bravery
to rout multiple attempted
invasions of Barbarians!
*Camemberts among others.
(Frogs)
To stop them pillaging our crops,
raping our houses and
- burning our women! - Hm?
OK, reverse that.
It's right here, do you hear?
Where they stopped them.
Making this unassuming spot
the sacred land
of the Kingdom of Belgium.
So you see, this yellow
line is important.
Because, here, they fell.
Brave. Heads held high.
Sorry to contradict you, Vanuxem.
But yes, somebody died.
A whole Goddamn bunch of'em!
Excuse me.
Maybe I spoke hastily.
But look at how tense you've
gotten recently, really.
Apology accepted.
OK. Round up the brigade.
Operation Iron-fist.
- What, now?!
- Yes, now!
- Me too?
- Yes.
I was on duty all night,
I can't do dayshift too!
By the size of the drool stain
on your vest,
I'd say you're sufficiently
rested, Vanuxem, no?
C'mon, operation Iron-fist!
Go ahead, go!
What's the holdup?
500 meters in ½ an hour?!
Calm down, Monsieur.
No need to get excited.
- Borders not abolished yet?
- No, Jan. 1 is our last day.
- Some of us have work to do!
- Yeah, right.
Pull over there.
- What's this mess, Bakari?
- Vandevoorde's at it again, Chief.
Screwing with us,
right to the bitter end, huh?
Where are the others?
- Union meeting.
- Again?!
We have to strike. A massive strike!
All those in favor?
Greg, we're only 4 at Courquain.
5 with the boss, but
he won't strike.
Mathias, are you for striking?
Sure. Lemme finish this,
then I'll strike.
Thanks, guys.
We'll hit'em where it hurts.
What action will we take?
We'll block the border!
Halt all traffic!
Wait. If we block traffic,
it means we're working.
Customs officers halting cars,
means we're at work, no?
Then we'll let all the vehicles pass.
But if we let all vehicles pass,
aren't we complying with
the 'open border policy'?
Yeah.
Pain in the ass, both of you!
Greg, don't take it like that.
- Morning, chief.
- Morning.
Meeting's over.
Go help Bakari, she's swamped.
What the hell you doing,
Ducatel?
Installing the computer system.
- What system?
- Computer system.
the Ministry, sent it Friday.
You're one of the first online. Great.
The computer revolution is upon us.
This crap's enormous.
I can't even see my desk!
- Where's my typewriter?
- No need!
Thanks to this computer,
with a word processing app
linked by this cable
to a printer; also computerized.
If it's a ruse to swipe my carbon
paper there'll be hell to pay!
No, boss, I threw out
your carbon paper.
You did what?
You don't need it anymore.
Look at this.
I type a report,
or a declaration.
I click "Print".
Know how many months it takes
to get a re-supply of carbon paper?
Look, look!
What's this bullshit?
It's just an interface problem.
Oh, great! "Paper Jam"...
It even tells you what's wrong!
Ducatel, take your TV
and your air conditioner, and
put everything back the way it was.
It's the future!
MY future is MY typewriter
and MY carbon paper.
It's complicated enough
phasing out Customs
- Don't change my stuff around!
- As you wish.
If you're so keen, go tell
Vandevoorde to cool it
or I'll call Willems.
- Not Vandevoorde.
- It's an order, Ducatel, now!
Darling, how are you?
I told my boss
I missed you, he said:
"Isn't this your first
anniversary?" - Yeah
"What are you waitng for,
go kiss her!" So, here I am.
Now, the real reason?
Gotta tell your brother to cool it.
He's causing this pile-up.
Try to be nice to him.
Shouldn't he be nice to me?
Don't provoke him, is all.
Let's go together, hand in hand.
So he can kill us both.
So romantic, to die
in an embrace!
Got a message for my
"brother-in-law"?
There he is!
You ass Louise, you scared me!
Can you make an assortment.
About 300 grams?
- A bit of everything.
- OK.
Set it aside for me?
- See you soon.
- Yeah.
Hello.
The price is ridiculous!
Not even half of what we paid
8 years ago!
Best offer in 6 months,
Mme. Anus.
- JANUS! With a J, please.
- Pardon me.
You sold it to us!
Why not to someone else?
It's a gold mine.
It 'was', M. Janus. Was!
On January 1st, who will stop
at the border shops? Who?
Fine. We'll cope on our own
like grownups.
We'll toast your health,
with your 5%!
- Don't be like that.
- Enough!
You've wasted enough time.
Thanks, goodbye.
What do we do, now?
Find a pigeon, to sell it to.
One who hasn't heard
of the 'Euro zone'.
Someone like you.
Who doesn't read the press,
nor listen to radio,
just watches TV without
understanding.
Believe me, a dope of your caliber
won't be easy to find.
Vanuxem, ugh... search this.
What is it?
Oh, la!
Hello, first of all.
I come as a friend, I live
in a neighboring country.
Apparently traffic jams,
in my country,
originate in your country.
Am I mistaken?
You got no fucking business
in Belgium, especially in uniform!
My boss intends to call yours,
if you continue screwing around.
- You threatening me?
- Not threatning; notifying.
Get lost.
Ruben Vandevoorde, dammit!
Can't we try talking nice
just for once?
Do a Belgian accent again...
and I'll smash your face.
Got it?
- I didn't do a Belgian accent!
- Oh, no?! 'For once, ferr wantz!'
I swear, it wasn't
a Belgian accent!
Now I'm doing the accent!
'Ferrr waantz, yeah, wekhh'!
But before, it wasn't a Belgian accent,
'pomme-frrrittes!
You camemberts* feel
so superior, huh?
We are superior.
I'm kidding. Ruben, relax.
- OK, I better go, huh?
- Yeah.
Back to your country.
What did he want?
Disgusts me to think, this'll be
a leaky sieve for snooty frog punks!
The French don't worry me
as much as drug traffickers.
Oh yeah?
They're often the same.
Shouldn't we make 2 trips
M. Duval? It's a lot.
My last big score
before New Year's.
Who knows what'll
happen after that?
- There'll be only Mobile Customs.
- That's the problem.
Say, Tiburce,
your guy,
is he dependable?
I can't afford to fuck this up.
Slugger? He's a heavy hitter.
That's why he's called 'Slugger'.
Ex-con, prime choice!
Hey, Slugger?
Yeah.
OK, let's recap!
You arrive at customs,
what do you do?
I turn on the Cherry top,
and cross the border easily.
If they stop you?
Show the papers explaining I'm
tranporting a gravely injured man.
So, I'm in a hurry,
it's life and death.
- And?
- And?
And?
That's all.
No, Ducon, I told you,
most importantly,
you put on an innocent look.
Right, sorry Mr. Duval.
I put on an innocent look.
- Go on, show me.
-What?
Show me an innocent face.
Like so?
That's not innocent!
It's completely retarded!
Sorry, M. Duval.
I don't know how
to look innocent.
Ever since I was little,
I've been guilty. Always guilty.
OK, you gotta be both cool...
but intense.
Cool, but intense.
Not too cool. Or they'll sense
you have something to hide.
And not too intense, or they'll
sense you have something to hide.
- Understand?
- Yeah.
Look at me.
Like this.
Yeah, that's great.
Like that.
Don't get stopped.
It's better.
What are you doing?
What?
Where's the U?
What U?
The U.
Where, what U?
Slugger, you can read, huh?
- Yep!
- "Yep!"
So where's the U,
in ambulance? Dickhead!
There's a U in 'amblance'?!
W-wha... Hang on. Say again.
'Amblance'!
'Amblance'...
♪ Too-doo-doo!
♪ Too-dee-dee!
'Amblance', is what
I s'posed to have writted.
"what I s'posed to have writted."
Slugger!
Am-BU-lance!
BU!
BU! BU!
There's a BU here!
One BU ?
No, two.
Am-bu-bu-lance?!
C'mere
There! The U !
Add the U !
The U in "ambulance"!
Goddamit!
Yeah... 'heavy hitter'.
Just don't tell mama
I brought you.
It's our little secret.
Between you and papa, OK?
Why move the signposts, papa?
You see, Leo, they're not
ordinary signposts.
They're signposts
which define borders
between countries.
OK, look.
- What country am I in?
- In Belgium?
- And Begium is?
- The loveliest of countries.
- Now what country am I in?
- In France?
- France is the land of big...?
- Big ol' morons!
Leo,
now where's papa?
- In Belgium?
- In Belgium!
You got it!
It's not complicated.
We're making Belgium bigger.
It's great, papa!
Ah, no, Leo.
We're recovering what's ours.
It's not the same thing.
A long time ago,
the great Kingdom of Belgium
extended more than
200 km, all the way to Reims.
Remind me when that was.
Third century.
It was called Belgica Secunda.
Atta boy, Leopold.
- Why are you called Leopold?
- In homage to Leopold I.
First king of Belgium.
June 26, 1841.
No! 1831.
1831.
- Pardon, papa.
- No big deal!
Tell me,
what was the biggest screw-up
that King Leopold I made?
He married a Frenchwoman,
daughter of Louis-Philippe.
Another French moron.
Exactly.
I'm impressed, Leo.
You're your father's son.
What about the sky, papa,
is it Belgian or French?
The sky is Belgian.
Anything above Belgium
belongs to Belgium.
See, borders go right to the top!
And the stars; are they Belgian?
'Course they're Belgian.
But papa, the earth turns.
So those stars go to France
and become French.
No.
No. You see, stars travel abroad
but they don't like being there.
So they turn around
the earth all day
and at night, come to Belgium,
to sleep. Voila!
What're you doing?
I'm fitting the moon inside,
papa.
That way she can sleep
over with us.
I don't know what
the future holds,
but papa will always
be there to protect you.
Lord,
let Belgium
remain independent
and sovereign, no matter what,
and that a 'United Europe'
never happens. NEVER!
Pardon.
And protect my family, please.
Amen.
Oh yeah.
Lord, I beg you,
let my sister finally
find a husband.
A nice Belgian.
A home boy. Hm?
I couldn't be happier this year.
You realize it's our first
time out in public?
- I'm so happy.
- Me, too.
Wait here, I'll check inside.
If I'm not back in 5 minutes,
join me, OK?
Check what?
- That the coast is clear.
- No, Mathias. No!
- Mathias
- 5 mins. - No.
Mathias!
Mademoiselle, merci.
Good evening, Monsieur.
For M. Ducatel.
If you'll follow me.
S'il vous plaît, Monsieur.
Mathias! Mathias!
Mathias Ducatel! You-hoo!
Mathias!
-This is good news, see?...
- Jacques.
Hey, so, we had the same idea.
How are you?
Relax, don't tell
my wife you saw me,
and I'll be discreet too.
Nice of you, thanks.
Not 'nice', just natural.
It works both ways.
Got another table?
But you reserved
a romantic table.
This one's much more romantic.
- You'll be alone?
- Leave it!
I didn't get a romantic table
to eat alone!
And there she is.
Darling, what are you doing?
I prefer separate tables, in case
you run into someone you know.
Stop it, Louise. Come sit here.
OK, here are the menus.
Sort it out,
THEN, call me, huh?
Oh, what courage! I'm impressed.
Sorry I left you in the car.
It was lame.
You always do things halfway.
You make a decision but won't
assume responsibility.
No, I'm assuming it
Oh yeah? Prove it.
Darling, what is this?
Louise Vandevoorde, will you be
the woman of my life?
Oh my God.
- Tying your shoelace?
- No.
- Yes. - No. - Yes. - No.
- Yes. - No. - Yes.
Well?
- You asked my father? - No.
- My brother? - No!
- So what'll we do, Mathias?
- We elope. - Not without my family.
You're 30, you can't let
your family decide for you.
- That's not it.
- What, then?
I won't run away from Belgium,
much less, my family.
All right, I'll ask your father.
So, is it yes or no? Hm?
Yes.
Yes, about...?
- Yes?
- Yes!
- I love you.
- I love you, too.
Won't Ruben Vandevoorde
be thrilled?
What happened?
- I heard a noise.
- What's with you?
- There's someone!
- What?
A Frenchman!
You heard a noise,
not a Frenchman; a noise.
- A French noise.
- No.
Ruben, you'll wake Leopold!
Come back to bed!
Aren't you hungry, Ruben?
We'll go eat when no one
enters Belgium anymore.
Excuse me.
Could I cut through?
I'll just fill up at that
gas station and go back.
Do we Belgians
come to France for French gas?
No, because it costs more.
- More than in Belgium?
- Well, yeah!
Whaddaya mean,
"Well, yeah!" ?
Your gas is better than ours,
is that what you mean, hm?
Not at all. We have more taxes,
that's why yours is cheaper.
If our BELGIAN gas
is cheaper in BELGIUM,
it's because it's for us.
Piss off!
Hey, you have no right
to speak to me like that!
I have every right to quell
a *Camembert invasion in my country. (frog)
Piss off, do a 180. Zei*!
(I said?)
I'm not invading Belgium.
I just want gas!
He touched me!
Freeze!
Vanuxem!
Freeze!
Assaulting an officer in the
performance of his duty.
Vanuxem, cuff him!
You're getting a taste
of the Law.
You like the taste of asphalt?
Monsieur, can we go?
One second.
Forget about lunch, now.
Thanks a lot!
Let's see what's in there.
Head up.
Looks like somebody's home.
What have we got
in our little bag, hm?
- Off!
- Not the briefs, no.
No, I'm begging you.
Ruben. I think it's the
handcuffs behind him.
Oh yeah? Think so?
Yeah, how about that!
Incredible. See that?
Good equipment!
- Good detector! Is it Belgian?
- No, Chinese.
It's Chief Willems!
Good! All done.
You can go, you're free, buddy.
Vandevoorde!
Are you responsible for
that monster traffic jam?
Traffic jam? Where?
What did this gentleman do?
- Him? He's a suspect.
- What's he done that's suspect?
Chief, he's going about
in his undies.
Are you crazy?!
He told me to undress!
Me? No way!
Vandevoorde, what did this man do
to merit such treatment?
- Well...
- He's French, is that it?
No, I don't think so.
Yes, I'm French.
Ah, I... I didn't know.
Pleased to meet you.
Enough! In my office!
Pardon us.
Just weeks away from a
'United Europe', I take a dim view
- of your anti-French zeal.
- Anti-French? Me?
- No, I adore France.
- That's not how everybody sees you.
You better calm down.
You have a lousy reputation.
How's that possible?
I'm the greatest francophile in Belgium.
- Francophile now?
- Yes.
Oh, yeah, France is a lovely country.
Well you're in luck.
I've designated you for
an experimental
Mobile Customs Team; Mixed.
- Male-female?
- Franco-Belgian.
Hoh!
Lovely idea, chief.
Lovely idea!
But not me. I couldn't.
It's beyond my ability.
Anything but that. No, please.
Then, straighten up and stop
muckraking, Vandevoorde,
and maybe I'll choose someone else.
Go.
- To the future Paris computer expert.
- 'Information Technology'.
- Same thing.
- Not at all!
2 menus du jour,
I'm pressed for time.
I'll miss that guy.
Mme Janus, a toast?
No. Thanks, no.
I won't drink champagne
to celebrate the end of customs.
Poison, more likely.
- Irene don't take it like that.
- Oh, yeah?
How should I take it?
Sure, you don't care,
you're civil servants.
We're obliged to stay.
Only our profits will go away.
What about next year,
without customers?
Without customs or stores
no one'll stop.
With the single currency,
not even a bureau de change!
- What did I tell you?
- We didn't think about that.
It's noon. 3 months ago
there'd be 30 diners. Now, look!
- It's less and less full.
- There you are!
Irene, we promise all the
Customs agents in the region
will eat lunch here every day.
- Yes. - Promise.
- You can count on us.
We'll get the message out,
even in Belgium.
It won't get us out of this mess
but it's nice of you.
Jacques!
Yes, darling?
These messieurs-dames
will lunch here.
I'll attempt to find a place for them.
Well move, already.
(You're such a pain in the ass)
This is the dish?
I know, but we need to
economize.
See where this Europe shit
is leading?
He looks so miserable.
Wanna know what his real misery is?
He married a Frenchwoman!
And especially, making
a Belgian woman unhappy.
- Huh?
- Yeah!
The one he didn't marry.
Left her at the mercy of the
first Frenchman to come long!
That's why he's miserable!
A Frenchman crossing the border
asks a Belgian customs agent:
Could you check
if my front blinkers work?
Oh, my pleasure, 'forr onnnce'!
So the Frenchman
turns his blinkers on.
The Belgian goes in front,
leans over, concentrates,
and says,
Yes, they work.
No, they don't!
Yes, they work!
No, they don't! Yes...
Do you know why Frenchmen
like Belgian jokes? - No.
Because they laugh 3 times.
They laugh when you tell it,
laugh when you explain it,
and laugh, when they get it!
Allez! Let's split.
- We haven't eaten.
- Let's go! It reeks of Frogs.
Hey, Vanuxem, your cap!
I'm innocent.
Innocent, innocent...
I'm innocent.
- Not gonna check his papers?
- No, Vandevoorde will do it.
He'll let it pass, it's Belgian.
Bet you 50 F he won't.
Kingdom of Belgium Customs.
Paperwork.
Where are you going?
I'm transporting a serious case.
He needs an emergency transplant.
It means life or death to him.
And that makes you smile? - No.
- Yes.
- Oh, no.
Yes. You're smiling.
That's because I'm being
cool, but I'm tense.
Keep your hands on the wheel.
Oh, ah, argh!
Isn't it usually the organs
that get transported?
No.
- It depends.
- Depends on what?
Depends on the organ.
You have French papers,
for a vehicle registered in Belgium.
I'm French but I work in Belgium.
Eating the bread of
the Belgians, hm?
Can't eat bread. I'm on a diet.
OK... A joker.
Ruben.
Come, look.
Don't move.
Fuck, I knew there's no U
in 'amblance'.
Get out of the vehicle.
Gun it!
Step on it!
Get out of the vehicle!
Freeze!
Get out! Get out!
Freeze!
Freeze!
Step on it! Go!...
Wait, wait, wait!
Vanuxem!
Freeze!
What good are you, if you can't even
stop your own drug traffickers, huh?
Woah, watch your tone.
This is French customs.
You have no say, here.
Customs?!
It's a sieve, leaking frogs!
Enough. I don't wanna get upset.
Au contraire, Ducatel,
GET USPSET!
It'd be the first time
a SLUG got upset!
Don't insult me!
It's not an insult.
You ARE a slug, a tiny slug.
Get out, or I'll arrest you.
Oh, yeah?
Arrest me for what?
You just crossed the border
carrying drugs, no?
You filthy FROG TURD!
Excuse me, it went off
by itself!
VANDEVOORDE!
Bravo Mathias, well done.
He deserved it.
I'm afraid it'll make him
even more of a jerk.
Impossible, he's at maximum.
Come on.
- Hello?
- Please tell me he hit you first.
Sorry, honey, he started it
by insulting me.
You're worse than kids.
Grow up!
- I said I'm sorry.
- Apologize to him. - You're joking!
No. Make up with Ruben
before talking to my father.
No way. He poisoned our lives
for a year and I should apologize?!
- Yeah.
- Louise...
How have I harmed him, besides
being born 5 Kms that side of the border?
- He can go fuck himself!
- That's a stupid reaction.
No, I'm not stupid.
It's your brother.
- He's a big Belgian jerk!
- Don't say that about him.
It's true. He's a Belgian jerk
You're as racist* as he is.
(jingoist)
No! This situation's
driving me nuts!
I swear, sometimes,
I can't take it.
Why are we still together, then?
- Sometimes I wonder, too.
- I detest you.
- Wait, Louise.
- Don't touch me!
You're as nuts as your brother!
- Raised in the same Belgian family.
- I got a few Belgian words for you!
What, "we're all jerks"?...
No, no...
Louise, wait! Louise!
Ruben, what have you done
that's torturing your conscience?
I can sense it.
Father, I'm so ashamed.
Speak, don't be afraid.
God welcomes back
his lost sheep.
Even armed sheep, who shoot
Frenchmen in the back?
You shot a Frenchman in the back?
Shooting him isn't the problem.
It's that, when I hit him and he fell,
I felt immense satisfaction.
Like joy, almost.
Almost delight.
I sense it's wrong, Father.
My God, Ruben, where did you get
this fierce hatred of the French?
- My father.
- Yes, my son?
No, MY father.
I got it from my pop. - Ah!
You owe it to yourself
to love your neighbor.
As yourself. God ordains it!
I know Father, but...
My neighbor... if he's French,..
It just kills me. It's a reflex.
My French neighbor, no way.
If you continue in this hatred,
Ruben,
I can no longer absolve your sins
nor even hear your confession.
I sincerely regret.
And you'll go straight to hell,
for eternity.
Hell? For eternity, me?!
Yes, you'll never pass through
customs, in paradise.
There's Customs to get in
Paradise?
Of course. With a soul as dark as yours,
I'd be astounded if you'd pass.
Oh shit.
Messieurs, please.
Messieurs!
Madame!
Yes. Sorry, Bakari.
Please, go ahead.
Vandevoorde, we're listening.
Go.
Here's the thing...
I sincerely apologize
for what occurred.
I spoke uncivilly. Pardon me.
I was in the heat of the moment.
I shouldn't have provoked you.
I wasn't thinking.
My words overshot my intentions.
Excuse me.
I'm also sorry about what happened.
Excuse me.
No problem.
Good. Incident over.
The following concerns those staying on
in this sector's Mobile Customs.
Who'll volunteer for an experimental
Mobile Brigade; mixed, Franco-Belgian?
With whom?
What?
With which Belgian agent
do we team up?
With me.
All right, enough.
So, which one of you?
- It's a joke.
- Not at all.
No one would ever...
I would, I volunteer.
Ducatel, be serious.
I'm serious. I volunteer to
team up with Ruben Vandevoorde.
Ducatel, aren't you going
to Paris for that IT crap?
No, I changed my mind.
Fine! Now then, you start...
both of you, on Monday.
Rendezvous here at 9 for briefing.
- Why not brief them in Belgium?
- Ehh, nah...
We could alternate.
Let's not complicate things.
Keep it here.
How about the 'No-Man's-Land',
at least it's neutral.
Uh..OK.
No-Man's-Land is fine.
This is the main dining room.
It seats 60.
What are they doing?
A conferring...
So, Customs conferences,
without any purchases?!
You say 'yes' to everything!
No.
Except me.
May I show you the apartment?
We know that removing
fixed customs
will increase drug
trafficking by road.
So we must spread
out methodically.
You'll be left alone, in the sticks,
to your own devices.
And believe me,
that's a whole new ballgame.
- What's that?
- GSM portable phone.
- First one in the mixed detail.
- Look how tiny it is!
A wireless phone, crazy!
Use it only if you must.
Calls cost a fortune.
The government allowed,
for your training,
a one-time grant of 40,000 BF.
5,900 FF.
- That's all?
- Affirmative.
For a week's training, which,
unfortunately, won't take place.
Why not?
The purchase of your
International Intercept Vehicle
swallowed the total budget.
An International Intercept Vehicle
for 5,900 F? What kind of car?
- Well, obviously.
- It's grotesque.
Let me introduce your
3rd partner, Grizzly.
Grizzly?
What's with the mutt?
One of the best agents
in our department. - That?!
- For protection?
- Not protection.
But Grizzly has an uncanny
nose for all narcotics.
He'll be very useful on the road.
Gentlemen, in your vehicle.
Gentlemen, it's important that
this international experiment succeed.
- Count on us.
- Be a symbol of tomorrow's Europe.
Well, we're off to a good start.
Please...
Pardon.
Down, Grizzly.
Down, Grizzly!
Dog seems totally stupid.
Must be French.
I think he looks Belgian.
I'm kidding.
Pardon..
Why don't they stop?
Because this is not customs.
We look like a couple of clowns.
- They think we're a joke.
- You think so?
What the fuck am I doing here?
I wonder, too.
The world changes, we follow.
No! ... We submit,
it's not the same, Ducatel!
The world isn't changing.
It's going to hell and taking us along!
We need a stop sign.
- Car trouble?
- Customs checkpoint, Monsieur.
Customs? Oh, really?!
Waddaya mean, really?
Dunno, looks more like
car trouble, or being lost.
Monsieur, we're customs officers
and we're doing or job, OK?
- Do customs still exist?
- Not Fixed Customs, but mobile units, do.
Get out. I'll show you
if Customs still exist.
Don't get mad just
because he's French...
I don't give a fuck if he's a 'cheese eater'!
He's taking the piss out of us!
He's not taking the piss.
He asked why we're here.
I wanna know why I'm here, too!
- Serving a nation that doesn't care!
- Stop this...
Oh, well done, now he's gone!
Freeze!
No! Are you nuts?
- Don't do that again.
- Don't shoot at him.
He's escaping!
That's no reason to shoot him!
Fine. OK, what do we do
Mr. Know-it-All?
We take down his plate number.
Or we follow him,
but no shooting.
We're in France, here.
French jurisdiction; I decide.
I propose we chase him.
What do you think?
In that?
No, c'mon...
No! No!
Why so nervous, dearie?
No, everything's fine.
I like your brother's
colleague, Vanuxem.
He's nice, but not my type.
I'll marry someone I love.
Yeah, but I never see you
with a man.
- Papa, I gotta tell you.
- What?
You prefer women?
You're a dyke?
No, we don't say 'dyke',
we say lesbian.
Ah... You're lesbian.
No, I'm not, I tell you!
Then why don't you try
just one date with Vanuxem?
'Cause I don't wanna.
You know Vanuxem's a métis.
Mixed race.
- Really?
- Flemish-Walloon. A true Belgian!
Stop marrying me to whole of Belgium.
What's important is to find
the right one. - The right Belgian.
You're annoying.
Let's change the subject.
What is it?
I didn't notice. It's French water.
I want 'Spa' water!
They were out of 'Spa'.
Drink this, it's very good?
No, I want Belgian water!
Imagine the Alps are in Belgium
and drink! - No!
- Yes!
- No!
- You get on my nerves!
- So do you!
What's going on?
Oh, they can hear you outside!
Your sister's wants me
to drink frog water.
- Why'd you buy French water?
- The water's fine.
- It tastes bad.
- No.
If he wants Belgian water
give it to him.
- Thanks for your help.
- You're welcome.
Hm!
You're right, papa.
It grates a bit.
It has a dry aftertaste.
Filth!
Dry water, of course! The amount
of bullshit you spout is impressive.
♫ Don't talk to me like that, OK?
Pardon me if I offended you,
great savior of our nation. - What?
Aren't you the great defender of
Belgian justice, to the death?
Finished taking the piss?
No, I'm sick of your paranoid,
racist* delirium! (jingoist)
What racism*?
Loving your country doesn't
make you racist*, huh papa?
Yeah!
OK, enough. Stop.
Know what you need?
A nice little hubby, at home.
- Vanuxem!
- Good idea.
That's enough. I've had
my dose of you today.
-Where are you going, dear?
- Home.
Take note: Italian coffee, Taiwanese
percolator and Limoges cups.
Only the cookies* are local.
(speculos)
So, don't choke on them.
- Why are you here?
- I wanted to see you.
What are you doing
with my brother?
I apologised, and
I wanna be his friend.
So you and I can finally be happy.
No need for marriage.
It's no use, you're wasting
your time with him.
Why?
You were right.
My family are jerks,
but it's my family.
I'm not prepared to
break their hearts.
Sorry.
- Louise, Louise...
- No, Mathias. Please!
- Darling...
- No, Mathias
don't complicate things.
Help me, please.
It's over. It's better this way.
You won't regret
buying this place.
It's a gold mine, and runs itself,
doesn't it, Jacques?
True. The cash-flow alone...
verges on the indecent.
Why are you selling,
if it's such a good deal?
My husband is very sick.
He suffers from an
incurable disease,
gnawing at him,
little by little.
It's true, I must say,
I'm very sick.
Meanwhile we'd like to profit
from his illness.
I mean,
take a little time to...
To get better. And...
...so I have time to heal.
Time to cure an incurable illness?
Hm.
Hope springs eternal,
as they say.
Don't strain yourselves making up stuff.
I know your financial situation is dire.
Customs agents eat
lunch here every day.
That's exactly
what interests me.
How's that?
I, too, run a border business
threatened by a united Europe.
I sneak stuff from country to country.
Contraband?
Call it what you want.
It's nothing nasty.
Hi-fi equipment, cigarettes,
to boost my monthly cash-flow.
What would you do in my place?
We prefer to remain honest, Monsieur.
Let me make you a proposition.
- We'll have no part of your scheme!
- Calm down, they'll hear.
Don't look.
Do NOT look at them!
Bonjour.
Look, Irene, I'm...
I'm not asking you to smuggle.
Just keep an open ear on their table
to know where and when they
set up the mobile customs.
We won't stoop to that.
How much is in there?
Irene, return the envelope,
immediately.
No, keep it for now.
- Go serve Vanuxem.
- Out of the question!
It's no big deal.
I'll contact you soon;
you can give me information
or return the money.
Take the time to reflect on it.
I've reflected.
[CUSTOMS - DO NOT PROCEED]
It's not that I detest the French,
it's the French who are detestable.
Yeah, you're right.
- You agree?
- Of course,
we're often arrogant,
scornful, moaners. - Exactly.
Take 'Belgian jokes'.
You're right, they're detestable.
Glad you recognize that.
Why do you think my
colleagues mock you?
- They're frog assholes!
- No, they're jealous.
- Jealous of what?
- Jealous of you!
You're the best agent on the
Franco-Belgian border, no?
Probably.
You could guard the border alone!
They can't hold a candle to you,
and, to get even,
they take the piss.
Think so? - Yes, they resent
that you're better.
Basically, it's a mark of respect.
- Belgian jokes are respect?
- Pure admiration.
It's enough to say,
"I admire you"
then it's clear. What a
mal entendu! - Oh, yeah!
Why is your language called French?
In Belgium it should be Belgian.
Absolutely!
And the Belgian Franc.
Belgian 'Franc'; it's an aberration!
Why not 'Belgar'?
Like the Dollar.
- 'Belgar!'
- Sounds good.
- What do I owe you?
- 15 Belgars!
Keep the change!
See, you toss the spike strip
under a vehicle that won't stop.
and it pops its tires.
Customs!
Oh, no!
Shit, shit...
Shit, shit!
Damn, it's the guy
in the ambulance!
Freeze!
Freeze!
We can catch him.
It's just a diesel van! Quick!
C'mon, gun it!
Oh, no, don't tell me
I drove over it! Did I?
What do we do now,
lost in the middle of nowhere, hm?
Now what!
The portable phone!
- What?
- The portable phone!
There!
- Courquain, Customs!
- Hello? Vanuxem, it's Ruben!
Vanuxem!
Tell the guys, call the police.
- We got a runner!
- A burgundy-coloured van.
A contraband runner.
Burgundy van, with plate prefix
75 (Paris plates)
*Camembert, 75!
Route d'Anor. Direction: Chimay.
I repeat...
Kh, kr gg, hh...
Hello?
OK? On their way?
Are they coming?
No, they're not!
Costs a fortune
and it doesn't work!
Hello?
The experiment is a failure.
A bitter failure.
This circus must stop.
We're ridiculous.
He's right.
The mobile unit is useless.
No one takes us seriously.
Our equipment's inadequate.
Ending customs is
a bullshit move.
Strategically, economically
and it's unpatriotic.
It's a enormous fuck up!
We should stop it.
I'm sorry to say,
but our report will be...
- stinging, huh?
- Oh, yeah!
Vandevoorde, you're not
so naive as to think
a single report is enough
to stop the process?
- Careful, we could strike.
- Absolutely!
Are you both dreaming!
If you mobilized the agents and
border people it changes nothing!
The Courquain customs post
will disappear, definitely.
Like all other fixed
European posts.
It's fi-nished!
Voila. Debriefing's over.
- And get the Renault 4L back in shape.
- At your expense, of course.
Goodbye, messieurs.
Goodbye.
I never thought
it would come to this.
Look at this road.
It's deserted.
- Depressing.
- Don't let'em get you down.
Let's get a fix on our objectives.
Who's our real enemy?
- The French?
- No, drug traffickers!
Yeah, them too!
So, before January 1st, we gotta
arrest those bastards, huh?
We can't even manage by car,
and you figure on foot?
My brother could help you out.
- Isn't he in jail?
- No, he's out.
It's a lot of work.
Just change the tires.
While we're at it, new hubcaps.
Careful there,
we have a tiny budget.
Because it's for you, Bruno...
come back tomorrow at 2:15.
It'll be ready.
Let's go kids!
Let's go, move it! Move it!
They're so annoying.
I gotta yell all the time.
What? Anything wrong?
I'd like to go on mobile patrol.
I'm depressed, here alone.
You miss me, Vanuxem
that's why you're depressed.
Yeah, sorta.
I liked it better when you yelled.
Now I'm bored.
Take a nap!
You'll see a lot of me,
when you're my brother-in-law.
- Don't like the beer?
- Wrong pipe.
Brothers-in-law?
Let's see if I like your sister
enough to marry her.
Oh, don't get uppity!
She's a lovely girl, but...
She's a pain in the ass. She is.
- You're going together?
- No, I'm still on the fence.
Excuse me.
How are you?
- I should ask you.
- Yeah, fine, fine.
Nadia's not here?
She took a posting at the
Finance Ministry.
Shit, we didn't even
say goodbye.
Hey, guys!
Well?
Come eat with us.
How you doing? OK?
Vanuxem.
Next time...
just say you admire me.
That'll do. OK?
I understand you're jealous.
No need to take the piss
outta me, OK? OK?
- Sure.
- We can do that.
Three carbonnades flamandes.
(Flemish stew)
Thanks.
A gift, for my French friends.
Superb, new portions!
Is Jacques becoming generous?
It's just beef in beer sauce.
Mobile customs
must make you hungry.
Being in a car all day, no?
No, we do fixed checkpoints
too, on side roads.
Really? But like...
whereabouts do you do that?
It was just gathering dust.
Supercharged Alpine V6,
250 horsepower. 3,000 cc's.
Maximum speed, 300 Kph*
(190 MPH).
That's more than hubcaps!
It's magnificent!
Are you allowed to put such
a big motor in the 4L model?
Why not, huh?
All Renault parts,
nothing but Renault.
Awesome, eh?
- Thank you, sir.
- You can go.
- Merci bocoo.
- Have a good trip.
♪ I believe I can fly
♪ I believe I can touch the sky
♪ I think about it
every night and day
♪ Spread my wings and fly away
♪ I believe I can soar
♪ I see me running
through that open door
♪ I believe I can fly
♪ I believe I can fly
♪ I believe I can fly
Thank you so much. Delicious.
Thanks for inviting me, Ruben.
Thank YOU, Mathias, for defending
me in front of the brass.
No need for thanks.
It didn't serve any purpose.
Thanks anyway.
My husband thanking
a Frenchman? I'm floored!
Mathias isn't a camembert*
like the rest. (frog)
He's a good one.
And there aren't many.
The exception that
confirms the rule.
No, Ruben, we're all the same.
When you take an
interest in people
you realize they're like you and me.
Different origins and cultures,
is all. No?
Lovely speech, but not for me.
- Are you married?
- No, I'm single.
But there's someone
in your life?
It's complicated.
Complicated? Excuse my indiscretion,
but why complicated?
How can I put it?
I'm madly in love
with a woman who's...
... black.
And her family hates whites.
So, we're no longer together.
- That's awful!
- Yeah.
- Is she beautiful?
- Oh yes, magnificently!
No, it's so silly. Too silly!
Mathias...
- Can I offer some advice?
- Please do.
If I were you,
I'd go see her family,
and convince them
to give you a chance.
You're in love, hm?
Love always conquers all.
- Aww!
- It's true!
I'll remember that
when I go talk to them.
On hearing the Good News,
the three Magi, each brought
a gift to the baby Jesus.
Allez.
Allez!
Voila.
And speaking of 'good news',
one of our most faithful families,
the Vandervoorde's,
has asked me to
announce the engagement
of Louise Vandervoorde
to a parishioner
whom we'd like to see
more often at mass,
Bruno Vanuxem.
Our best wishes
to the betrothed!
You shouldn't have turned
back with the drugs.
- I can't do this.
- Listen up.
I lost 30 kilos of dope
in that ambulance.
I have to make up for it, quick.
- It's the only way.
- I can't do it.
Do it for me.
You know, it's common practice.
You won't be the first
nor the last.
- It'll never fit.
- Sure, it will.
You need to be relaxed.
- It'll slip in by itself.
- Impossible.
- I can feel there's no room.
- Don't be a defeatist.
Here.
Look.
Start with little ones.
And the big ones...
will just follow.
- I'll sew 2 or 3 in my coat lining?
- No, no, no!
We'll take no more risks.
You have to put it all in your...
I'll leave you to it.
I'll wait outside.
Here.
If you need help...
don't call me.
All done? It all fit?
See? It wasn't so complicated.
Shall I bring you the money
the same way?
Yeah... No! No way.
Put it in the door panels.
Use this route, both directions.
According to the Janus',
no one's ever there.
- It'll take too long!
- Maybe.
But it's better than getting
nabbed at the border. - OK.
Oh! Ooh!
- What? - I think I better hurry!
- Well drive on. Go.
We forgot to wish each other
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas, Mathias.
Thanks.
Something wrong?
- You don't look good.
- I'm not.
You had a bad Christmas dinner.
No, it's because of you.
Me?
I can't stand your stupid
Belgian mug! - No!
I can't stand your
potato-eating gob! Got it?
I love Belgium,
I love Belgians
I hate you because you're
a racist* asshole!
There, I said it!
I'm French, so FUCK OFF!
Mathias?
What is it?
I'm outta here. I can't take this.
I'm quitting.
I came to say good bye, and
wish you well with Vanuxem!
I'm not gonna marry Vanuxem.
Stop it. The priest told
everybody at church.
That was my brother's doing
and I gave him hell for it.
You were at the Chimay church?
- Yes.
Oh shit. Ruben!
Oh shit.
Shit!
Shit! Shit! Shit!
Ruben, I swear I was testing you.
To see if our friendship
could take it.
And?
- I dunno, you tell me.
- Oh, yeah?
There! You had that coming
a long time.
- Feel better, now?
- No. - Why not?
This is for your crack about
my 'potato-eating gob'! Scumbag!
Look! Wait!
Fuck, it's the red van!
Drive!
Step on it!
- Shit! Shit!
- I'll gun it through!
Are you crazy, that's a gate!
Too bad!
I swear it wasn't me. I'm innocent.
I never heard of Courquain Customs!
You take us for idiots,
ambulance man?
Why are you driving like
a maniac on back roads?
I'm in a hurry.
My family's waiting in Brussels.
At first sight,
the car looks empty.
I'm calling to check the plates
but I have no signal.
Grizzly. Grizzly!
Why's Grizzly sniffing his ass?
Yeah, really, why's the dog
sniffing your ass?
No, it's normal.
All dogs sniff asses.
It's a dog's favorite activity;
sniffing asses.
No, dogs sniff dog's asses,
not men's.
And you're no dog
as far as I know.
But I have a dog.
He must smell my dog's scent.
Let's go to the hospital
for an x-ray. - Why?
To find out why
your ass smells of dog.
Easy.
I say, you're phenomenal!
Look, Mathias.
No wonder Grizzly got excited.
He has 30 balls of drugs
up his derriere. - Well, voila!
It's impossible.
How's that, 'impossible'?!
You didn't realize?
No, really.
I dunno how drugs got up my ass.
Somone planted it
behind my back.
Some guy came along, shoved
30 balls up your bunghole,
- and you don't know how?
- Yeah!
Oh my God, my God!
How is it possible?
I dunno, I'm trying to
figure that out.
Think hard.
Maybe the gentleman fell asleep, ass up.
Yeah, or maybe...
his wife is cuckholding him
with an evil magician.
- Abracadabra!
- Ooh! What's that?
- Guess. - A rabbit?
- No drugs!
- Now, that's magic!
- Great magic!
When you woke up,
you felt nothing?
Oh, sure! It itches a bit.
- It itches?
- Well, it's plastic!
It itches, huh?
All right, cut it out, it was me.
Happy? It was me!
What kind of sentence
am I risking?
In Belgium, that quantity.
10 years in the can.
Unless you give up
the seller and the buyer.
No thanks. Don't wanna
wind up in a canal.
Fine. Let's go to Narcotics Squad
- They'll take care if you.
- What'll they do?
They'll take out the drugs,
weigh it and put it back in.
Really?
They might include
a transmitter, a mic.
A walkie-talkie.
- No.
- So they can keep track of you.
Plenty of room up your ass, huh?
Ideally we should cover
this sector.
According to the DNOD
there's a lot of night traffic,
it's sparsely inhabited
and close to the autoroute.
So, we should set up here.
And put some guys at the tolls.
How about you, Vanuxem, hm?
- At the toll booths.
- Yeah!
You got my guy busted!
You gave me that fucking route!
Calm down, they'll hear you.
I swear, they never
mentioned that spot.
This is impossible!
You screwed up!
You fuck up everything.
It's not my fault
if they changed their mind.
How do I get my
merchandise back?
Yeah, how does he get
his merchandise back?
I'm asking you, too.
Really? Well, he was
supposed to write it down.
We'll return your money.
What's left of it.
You spent it already?
Can't you shut up,
now and again?
It was 10 times as much.
Plus, what he had up his... car!
What are the doing in the kitchen?
Jacques?
Jacques!
I better go or they'll come here.
No, they're around the map.
Go and memorize
all you can. Got it?
- Is that clear?
- It's clear.
Go!
Jacques, we promised to eat lunch
not spend the day.
Yeah, I was in the kitchen, so...
Jacques.
- Jacques?
- Yes?
Move the dishes so I can
fold my map, please?
Oh, excuse me.
Should I clean up?
- No, it'll do, thanks.
- As you wish.
- Jacques?
- Yes?
The plates.
Where's my head?
- I'll order a la carte.
- A la carte.
- Here.
- The menu. - Oh, yeah...
Hot damn, bingo!
We got this guy.
Let him come.
Customs!
Come closer, c'mon.
C'mon!... He won't stop.
What the hell's he up to?
Ruben, move, he won't stop!
He'll stop, alright!
Move, Ruben,
I have the spike strip.
Freeze!
You all right?
Thanks.
You'd do the same for me.
I don't think, so.
What are you doing here?
You're crazy to come
in Duval's car!
- I almost killed Vandevoorde.
- What?
He almost killed me, too.
You ran into Vandevoorde?
I swear, I'm jinxed!
Didn't recognize you, I hope.
No. If he'd recognized
me he'd be here.
He shot at me.
You OK, hon? Not injured?
Oh, lucky it wasn't our car!
I quit. It's too risky.
- That was my last run.
- What? Wait!
Look.
Look what Duval gave me.
Look, double what we agreed on.
Payment, plus an advance
for the next run.
There is no next run.
We're quitting, it's over.
Jacques, please.
2 or 3 more runs, please!
No, Irene. I said it's over.
We earned enough.
We got our heads above water.
I don't want my head above water
Damnit, Jacques,
be a ambitious for once!
We won't get another
chance like this.
We have the opportunity
to make a lot.
A lot of money.
*... Happy New Year. [DU]
Happy New Year, to you too.
Dank je wel.
(Thanks)
Hi, Jacques.
Hi.
You don't seem happy to see us.
Sure, but...
I feel funny. Last day
of customs, and all.
Ah, tell me about it!
Glass of champagne?
It's the end of the Courquain crossing,
we're not in a party mood.
Give us a pick-me-up.
Something stiff.
We need it.
So do I.
Thanks, Jacques.
Allez.
- Happy New Year.
- Happy New Year.
Farewell, customs.
First time I don't feel like
celebrating the New Year.
Doing anything tonight, Mathias?
No, nothing special.
You can't be alone on
New Yer's Eve! - Sure.
Come with us for dinner
at my dad's. Me and Vanuxem.
I don't fit in with your father,
I'm French.
But, you imitate the Belgians so well!
"Allez, forr wonnce!"
No, no. Don't even think about it.
- Come with us.
- No!
It's all in the clothes. Look.
You're about Vanuxem's size.
The uniform makes the man.
I'm a little bigger, no?
- Happy New Year.
- You're telling me!
Bone sawer*, (bonsoir)
M. Wonderwaffle, 'for once'.
Who's this?
Mathias, a new colleague.
He comes from...
- Liege, huh, Mathias?
- Yes, 'for once'.
Happy New Year,
M. Wonderwaffle, 'for once'.
Damn right!
Stop saying 'for once' all the time.
Really?
They're here!
Mathias?
From Liege, yes.
From Liege?
Olivia, my wife.
- Enchantée.
- 'Bone sawer'.
Leopold, my son.
- We'll wake him for the fireworks.
- Great.
Louise, my sister.
'Bone swear'.
Pleasure to meet you, 'for once'.
Ruben didn't say he had
'zuch a cute zister'.
- Mathias?
- Yeah?
Come sit.
Thanks. 'Ferry' kind of you.
Funny, I don't find your
accent to be from Liege.
My sister's trying to be cute,
and a troublemaker.
Pass the bread, please?
- Sure.
- Thank you.
Well?
It's because I was
'porn' in 'Prussels'.
Really? You don't have a
Brussels accent either.
My 'barents' moved a lot
when I was 'liddle'.
Where did they move to?
Will you quit bugging him, hm?
Excuse my daughter, she has
issues with men; she's a dyke.
- Papa!
- Oh, pardon me. Lesbian.
What's your problem with men?
What have they ever done to you?
That may be it.
No man EVER did anything to her!
You're such a twat when you
put your mind to it. - Exactly.
That's enough, you two. Eat.
Bon appetit!
You OK?
Are you nuts? Coming to see
my father in that get-up!
I put it on, because
I love you - Shut up!
We could start again
from the beginning.
Stop your nonsense.
It's not nonsense! We fall in love,
with your family as witnesses.
They'll have to accept me,
I'm sure.
Wanna drink, Mr. "Liege"?
Sure, a digestif
Gladly, for once.
- What's that lame accent?
- A Belgian accent.
Say you don't love me,
and I'll leave, right now.
We must stop seeing each other.
What are you doing?
Did you understand me Mathias?
Are you crazy?
What are you doing?
I can't live without you.
I missed you! I want you!
You're nuts.
My family's outside that door.
It's all set. Your brother loves me.
I'm beginning to appreciate him.
He insisted that I come here.
If he walks in on us,
what'll he say?
You're so beautiful, you smell so good.
You drive me wild.
Stop, they'll wonder
where we are.
- I don't care.
- Mathias, not here.
- Not here?
- Not here.
No? Not here?
- Shit!
- Oh, no.
- Anyone in the toilet?
- Yeah, it's busy!
I gotta drain the lizard.
Hurry!
Go piss in the garden. - No!
No, it's freezing. Open up.
Two seconds!
-What're you doing?
- Hiding!
No, out the window.
- Not outside!
- Hurry, jump out!
- Jump!
- It's cold! - I don't care.
It'll cool off your libido.
Easy, easy.
My clothes!
Hurry!
Finally! What were you doing?
Why'd you open the window?
Because I went caca.
Where'd 'Mr. Liege' come from?
I was out, checking on the fireworks.
That's at midnight.
Won't be long, 'for once'!
Thanks again and happy New Year.
You said it!
- Bye. - Bye.
- Bye, papa.
- Night, papa.
- Bye!
Louise, drop off Vanuxem,
if you don't mind.
- Sure, if you like.
- I'll come with you.
No! You come with me.
I'll take my wife and son home.
Then I'll drop you off in France.
Goodbye and happy New Year.
Happy New Year.
Why'd you stop here?
I have a favor to ask.
- Good evening, Father.
- What's the matter, Ruben?
Everything's fine.
I just wanted to wish
you a happy '93,
and tell you, I've made
some very good resolutions.
I also want to introduce
my friend...
Mathias...
- Ducatel.
- Voila.
- Good evening, Father.
- Good evening, my son.
He's a Frog.
Yes, and?
I'm friends with a Frenchman.
Me; a French friend!
Good for you, Ruben.
Not just 'good', Father,
it's formidable!
Sure... Father,
for afterwards...
You know, the Customs.
Upstairs.
Well, you know, Ruben,
the ways of the Lord
are impenetrable.
Yeah.
Tell him how well we get along.
It's true.
We work together and like
each other a lot. - A lot, a lot.
We're friends, huh?
Tell him where you're from.
- Huh?
Tell him where you're from.
- France.
- France!
- I'm French.
- French from France.
Feeling fellowship with a
child of God, whoever he is,
is nothing exceptional.
- Well...
Besides if you're doing it to
obtain something from the Lord,
- that's bad.
- Not at all.
I didn't know before.
I wasn't second-guessing.
No, it's a beautiful friendship,
simple and loyal,
between two good buddies.
- Huh, my friend?
- Yes, my friend.
My friend.
However, I'm not without
an ulterior motive
and I know you'll understand what
I have to confess, my friend.
Certainly, my friend.
Ah, excuse me, what
did you just say?
I got close to you because
I love your sister and
want to marry her.
You saw her once.
No, no, no.
We've been going together
for over a year. In secret.
Goddamn you.
You've been porking
my sister for a year,
you little motherfucker?!
Vandevoorde!
Yes?
Watch your language
in the Lord's house!
Father, the prick has been
fucking my sister for a year!
Get out! You're unworthy
to be in church!
Bastard! I'll bash your face in!
You shitty little Frog!
Filthy liar!
Not in the Lord's house. Father!
Ruben, violence leads nowhere.
Calm down or you'll go
straight to hell !
I don't give a fuck about hell!
I'm gonna burn
this Frog turd!
Ruben, my friend...
I'm NOT your friend!
- Your sister loves me!
- Shut your trap, Camembert*!
Louise!
What's going on?
I told your brother,
he went nuts!
Forgive me.
Go ahead, shoot.
Kill me in front of your sister!
Go on!
NO!
- You'll have to kill us both.
- Outta the way!
I'm unhappy without this
'filthy Frog' as you say. - Move!
You know why we split?
Each time I woke up in his arms
my first waking thought was...
how to avoid this
drama with my family.
How do I know you didn't fall
for him as a provocation?
Just to fuck your family!
Yes! I'd hoped there'd
be no future in it!
I even regretted
my words of love.
But when he proposed
to me I was blown over.
Really, blown over.
And I was afraid...
of your dumb-fuck racism*.
(jingoism)
That's why I'm not with
the love of my life, Ruben.
I love you.
I love you, Louise.
Darling, I love you.
I love you.
Happy New Year, Louise Vandevoorde.
Happy New Year, Mathias Ducatel.
-1 don't want us ever to part again.
- Me neither.
- Hello.
- Is Ducatel there?
- Yes, he is.
- Put him on.
For you.
This is Mercier. Come right away.
- Yeah.
A BMW ran the checkpoint
at 200 Kmh.
- OK. Coming.
- Hurry.
Quick as I can.
Gotta go, a BMW
got away doing 200.
They want me to intercept it.
Be careful.
It's Ruben that worries me.
Hello? We're in position.
Can you hear me?
Hello? Hello?
Aw, shit!
They missed it at the toll.
A BMW, midnight blue,
with French plates.
- Not gonna say "I knew it"?
- What?
I said French plates.
You don't say "Obviously"?
No!
Ruben, I just want
Louise to be happy.
Live your whole life
with my sister.
Because the day you separate,
I whack you. Got it?
I'm so glad we'll be
brothers-in-law.
Talk to me about that
after the divorce.
That's it! Go!
Stick to them!
Don't lean out!
It's too dangerous!
We're going too fast!
Move!
Oh, god!
It's OK.
We got'em!
We'll fit. We can make it!
Fuck!
Try not to lose the motor, too!
Freeze!
Cut your engine!
Out of the car!
Hands up! Hands up!
Jacques, what the fuck
are you up to?
Nothing, just transporting
some cartons of cigarettes.
- Why did you run?
- I didn't see it was you.
Anyway, it's contraband.
Gimme your keys. Your keys!
- What're you doing?
- I'm cuffing you! - Why?
You're being detained at customs.
You've known me for 20 years.
You wouldn't arrest me over
some cartons of cigarettes?
- Cartons of cigarettes?!
- What's that? - Shit.
Apparently cocaine,
a large quantity.
I swear I didn't know.
I didn't check the trunk, but...
Does your wife know,
you're trafficking?
Absolutely not!
I hadn't the foggiest!
My God, Jacques,
what have you done?
I didn't know it was drugs.
I swear, Irene.
Every time he said cigarettes.
This wasn't the first trip?
No, the fifth! Huh, kitten?
Can't you sidestep one
from time to time? No?
Sorry, my love.
Mathias, Ruben, we couldn't
make ends meet without it.
Are we risking prison?
10 years and a few
million in fines.
This can't be!
- Unless they cooperate.
- How's that?
If thanks to you we get
the whole ring,
you'd be considered as
informants. - Informants?
Like we'd infiltrated them?
Sort of, yeah.
You'd be free up to trial,
with a good defense, you'd get a
suspended sentence and parole.
- Maybe jailtime for you, Jacques.
- No problem.
We'll cooperate. Agreed?
- Oh, yeah!
I'll take the whole rap.
I don't want Irene
going to jail.
That's all I need!
So, it all went well?
Great! A-OK.
Nothing to report. Super!
What's that?
That's...
Nothing terrible.
Just a fender bender, like they say.
But I made a run for it and...
no consequences.
Rest assured, Mr. Duval,
the entire drug haul
is in the trunk.
You know it's drugs?
No, I meant cigarettes.
But, I must say,
there's an atmosphere
of drug smuggling, here.
So, it's just a little
slip of the tongue.
You piece of shit!
- Gendarmerie!
- Police!
Hands up!
Hands up!
Lemme see your hands!
Drop that!
Lemme go!
Stop! Stop!
Don't move!
Look at me!
Jacques!
Jacques, you all right?
No, not really.
Please, please...
To the success of the first
Franco-Belgian mobile unit!
Tut-tut-tut...
Belgo-French!
Wonderful.
Say, when did you start
working for us undercover?
- Oh, a long time!
- Very long.
From the start...
I'll tell you everything
No, Jacques.
This isn't the time.
Why not?
- Because it's not!
- But why?
It's not the time, that's why!
- Anyway...
- No!
You're priceless!
Let's celebrate! Let's celebrate!
Toast your health!
We can do both.
They contacted me...
OK, Jacques!
At first, when we got this place...
- Jacques, Jacques
You're such a twat!
The king of twats!
Oh, such a moron!
What a moron!
Do I have to be in the car,
with him, Inspector?
No, Commissioner.
I should've guessed...
Hey, what's with you?
Jacques, help! You brute!
Here, I've had this in my pocket
for a while.
Found it under my couch.
Dunno whose it is.
Any chance it's ...?
Yes, it's mine.
Ah!
We belong to a single
species, kiddo. Humanity.
And we share
a single planet. Earth.♥
The Earth belongs to everyone.
Every...
That Camembert* can't park there!
Can't park there!
Fuck! A Chink!
Papa, is the earth
for the Chinese too?
Sure, but not this bit.
Hey, gook!
You can't park there!
You. Car. Vroom, vroom!
Scram-ski!
Are you out of your mind,
talking to me like that!
What?
- Got a problem?
- No, no.
Freeze! Freeze!
Be right back, sweety!
♪Translated by♪ XQ2☻♥