Nothing But Nerves (1942) - full transcript

After some investigation, Robert Benchley finds his nerves are in a bad state. He has the jitters so bad he can't hold his cup still enough to drink his coffee, and he thinks the arrival of some plumbers is just a giant conspiracy to keep him unnerved.

They're taking up
today the study

of nerves and their control.

Now, the particular type of
nerves which we're dealing with

are those which become
disordered for no reason.

We say I'm nervous today,
or I'm jumpy today.

Well, what we mean is
that, through fatigue

or overindulgence in coffee
or alcohol the night before,

we are unable to meet the common
happenings in everyday life

with calmness.

And the smallest
thing upsets us.

Now as a--



--as a bit of laboratory
work in this field,

let us take a look into
the home of a typical victim

of this particular
nervous condition.

Lifting a coffee cup to one's mouth
is not a major operation.

In this man's condition,
it calls for skill and an iron

nerve, which he has not got.

This is due entirely to fear--

fear of nothing, really.

He can lift the cup,
for he's done it many times before.

But he's afraid that this time
it may fly out of his hands.

This first defeat of the
day lowers his morale.

He's been licked,
and he knows it.

The sound of the telephone
bell only serves to confuse

him and increase his panic.



Uh-- Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Hello.

Now, it's not an unusual
thing to answer a telephone

and find that there's
no one calling.

But for this man, with
his nervous system

tied up as it is,
this incident takes

on a very sinister aspect.

He has a feeling that
the telephone is bewitched,

or that he is bewitched.

He dreads to have
it ring, and he

dreads having it keep so still.

He has been made the victim
of a groundless hysteria, all

because he did not get
his nerves under control

and fight it out with himself.

And once the nervous system
is starting to disintegrate,

almost anything will carry
the collapse further.

He saw the maid go into
the closet with a magazine.

So far, so good.

He did not see her come out,
but common sense should tell him

that she must have come
out, and that he just

didn't see her, that's all.

The maid doesn't
live in the closet.

There's not room in there even
for her to sit down and read.

Mr. Doakes--

May I speak to you
for a moment, please?

And so we see that in all
this there's been absolutely

nothing to cause alarm.

The telephone rang, and whoever
it was was cut off, that's all.

If the man had faced
this simple fact,

he wouldn't have been so upset.

And, just because
he didn't see the maid come out

of the closet, was no reason
to think that she didn't come out.

He just-- he, uh--

just, uh didn't see
her, that's all.

Now let's get back
to the patient.

What is it, Nan?

Those men are here from
the plumbing company.

We've got plumbing, haven't we?

Well, they said it's some work
Mrs. Doakes ordered done.

Well, do I have to do anything?

Well, I don't think so.

Well, tell them to come in.

Tell them to come in.

That is merely a plumber.

But to our patient, it seems
to be a part of a giant conspiracy

to bedevil him.

Yet, as we can
see, the plumber's

doing nothing harmful.

In fact, he's doing nothing.

In cases of
neurasthenia like this,

the mere exiting of a strange
character from the room

can cause nervous irritability.

Where has he gone?

What is he doing?

Why didn't he say something?

Why doesn't he come back?

The fact that there
is a cigarette

in the box which he
thought was empty

is nothing to worry about.

The fact that his lighter works
at the first try

should not be a
frightening phenomenon.

Now, that noise is naturally
only the plumber coming back.

Well, the difference in height
could be explained by the fact

that there are two plumbers.

Of course, there are
always two plumbers.

He finally manages to
detect a really slightly

mysterious circumstance.

We need not go into the
causes of this behavior

on the part of the string,
or whatever it is, as we're not

concerned in this lecture
with string behavior,

but with human behavior.

Suffice it to say that
the patient's condition

has not been improved.

Ha.

Ah.

So we see that all that's
bothering our friend

is that he doesn't
know what goes on.

It's something that
he doesn't understand.

But he ought to
know that it's just

regular plumbing work--
work that these men do every day.

And he ought to--

um-- he ought to know that.

And, uh, he ought to
realize that there's

nothing supernatural--

uh-- nothing supernatural
about the thing.

Anyway, it's, uh-- in fact--

We have now reached
a point where almost

anything will serve to
increase the neurasthenia--

sudden noise--

--Voices that he cannot locate--

Anything out of the
ordinary, and the man

is impelled to seek
a change of scene.

He thinks that by going
into another room of the house,

he may escape his nemesis.

It's not his nemesis
that he needs to escape,

it is his own distorted
point of view on life.

OK, let's have it.

Now here, again, we see a
very common instinct in such cases--

the instinct of flight upstairs.

This doubtless derives
from the childhood impulse

to flee unknown
terrors by running

upstairs to Mother's room.

Or, in the case, to the
bathroom where a drink of water

may be obtained.

But, the plumbers being at work,
the water has been shut off.

But to the patient, it
is only another evidence

that all nature
is in a conspiracy

against his peace of mind.

Here we see the ultimate
retreat from reality--

the desire to hide in a
small, enclosed space.

Here, he considers himself
safe, forgetting again

that when water has been
shutoff, it must, at some time,

Be turned on again.

Hey! Hey!

Who's doing that?

Hey, someone help me!

Turn off that water!

Hey!

Stop that!

Someone!

Shut off that water!

Well, anyway, the point
of the whole thing

seems to be never to let
your nerves get the better of you.

And always remember that
nothings quite as bad as it seems.

Now, are there any questions?