Not with My Wife, You Don't! (1966) - full transcript

♪ FUNNY OLD WORLD,
I JUST ADORE YOU ♪

♪ FONDLY I IMPLORE YOU ♪

♪ YOU OLD TROUBADOUR, YOU ♪

♪ PLEASE, WHEN YOU GET READY ♪

♪ I'D LIKE TO GO STEADY AND ♪

♪ GEE, TAKE IT FROM ME,
IT'LL BE GROOVY ♪

♪ 'CAUSE THERE'S SOMEBODY ♪

♪ UP THERE DIGGING US ALL ♪

♪ ALL CHAPPY AND HAND-SLAPPY ♪

♪ JUST LIKE IN A MOVIE ♪

♪ AS WE'S HAVING US ♪



♪ ONE FABULOUS, FANTABULOUS ♪

♪ BEAUTIFUL BALL ♪

[APPLAUSE]

[ORCHESTRA PLAYING]

[PLAYING VIOLIN]

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

[RING]

[MUSIC STOPS]

YEAH.
YEAH, ALL RIGHT.

I KNOW.
IT'S AFTER MIDNIGHT.

OK, I'LL STOP.

I SUPPOSE YOU'RE WONDERING
WHO I AM.

WELL, TAKE A GOOD LOOK.

PRETTY MONSTROUS, EH?



WHY NOT?
I'M A MONSTER.

IN FACT, I'M THE GREEN-EYED
MONSTER OF JEALOUSY.

YOU MAY ASK,

IF I'M THE GREEN-EYED MONSTER,
WHY HAVE I GOT RED EYES?

I DON'T SLEEP.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

SEE WHAT I MEAN?

YEAH. YEAH.

JEALOUS?

UH-HUH.
YEAH, CHIEF. GOTCHA.

RIGHT!

I GOT TO GO OUT
ON A JOB.

YOU WANT TO COME ALONG?

WHY NOT?

HARRY, MY HUSBAND
HAS FOUND OUT ABOUT US,

AND HE'S TERRIBLY
PERTURBED.

PERTURBED? HOW?

LOOK. I'LL SHOW YOU.

HE DOES SEEM
PERTURBED.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

BERNIE HERE.

CHIEF?

ANOTHER ONE?

HAVE I GOT
A PASSPORT? WHERE?

[BAND PLAYING]

OUR VIGIL HERE
AT BELHAM AIRPORT

WILL BE OVER
AT ANY MOMENT.

THE MARSHAL
OF THE ROYAL AIR FORCE

AND HIGH EMBASSY OFFICIALS

HAVE ASSEMBLED HERE
TO WELCOME TO LONDON

THREE-STAR LIEUTENANT GENERAL
MAYNARD C. PARKER.

GENERAL PARKER,

WHO IS THE PRESIDENT'S
PERSONAL ENVOY,

IS HERE FOR HIGH-LEVEL
TACTICAL TALKS,

AFTER WHICH
HE AND HIS ENTOURAGE

WILL LEAVE
FOR A TOUR

OF AMERICAN AIR FORCE
INSTALLATIONS IN EUROPE.

I CAN SEE
THAT THE AIRCRAFTSMEN

ARE PREPARING THE RAMP.

THEY'RE PUSHING IT
ACROSS THE TARMAC

UP TO THE PLANE.

PRESENT ARMS!

THE BIG DOORS OF THE PLANE
ARE OPENING.

THE RAMP IS BEING PUSHED
INTO POSITION,

AND--AND HERE IS
THE GENERAL NOW!

GENERAL, BBC.
WOULD YOU CARE
TO MAKE A STATEMENT?

YES. THERE WAS
A YOUNG GIRL
FROM EAST LYNN

WHO DAILY DRANK
4 QUARTS OF GIN.

WHEN TOLD
THAT SHE SHOULDN'T,

SHE SAID
THAT SHE WOULDN'T

EXCEPT IT WAS GOOD
FOR HER SKIN.

THANK YOU, GENERAL.

OUR VIEWERS WILL BE
DEEPLY REASSURED
BY YOUR WORDS.

THANK YOU.

WOULD YOU HOLD IT THERE,
COLONEL?

1, 2, 3...

THANK YOU VERY MUCH,
COLONEL FERRIS.

WE APPRECIATE YOU
SUPERVISING
THIS DRY RUN.

DO YOU HAVE
ANY SUGGESTIONS?

YES. DON'T START
THE INTERVIEWING

UNTIL THE FORMALITIES
ARE OVER,

AND WATCH THESE CHALK MARKS,
THE WIRES, AND CABLES.

I DON'T WANT ANYBODY
TO TRIP.

THANK YOU,
COLONEL.

LLOYD,
THE BAND WAS FINE.

JUST A BIT BRIGHTER,
HUH?

TELL THE SECOND TROMBONE

IT'S A B-FLAT,
NOT AN A.

I SHALL, SIR.

GILROY, GOT THE AIR-CONDITIONED
LIMOUSINE?

THE CANDY
AND THE FLOWERS?

YELLOW ROSES
FOR THE GENERAL'S
WIFE?

I HAVE EVERYTHING,
SIR.

YES. NOW POLICE
THE RUNWAY.

THERE ARE TOO MANY
CIGARETTE BUTTS.
SEE YOU LATER.

WATCH YOUR TIE.

HOW'S IT GOING, TOM?

WELL LAID OUT, SIR.

THE PLANE
WILL ARRIVE THERE

AND STOP THERE.

THAT WILL BE
THE BRITISH BRASS,

THE EMBASSY,
AND THE PRESS, SIR.

GOOD. LOOKS LIKE
YOU'VE TAKEN CARE

OF EVERYTHING
EXCEPT THE WEATHER.

AND I MAY BE ABLE
TO DO SOMETHING

ABOUT THAT, TOO, SIR.

WHAT'S THE POOP
ON THE GENERAL'S NEW EXEC?

WHAT'S HIS NAME--
WILLIAMS?

NO, SIR,
IT'S WILSON.

TERENCE WILSON.
WEST POINT '28.

D.F.C. ADVISER,

CHIEF OF STAFF,
PENTAGON.

FIRST-CLASS GAME
OF BRIDGE, SIR.

GOLF HANDICAP
IS 4.

FINE.

ONE MOMENT, SIR.
EXCUSE ME.

LIKES POLISH VODKA
ON THE ROCKS. LARGE

WITH THE LADIES,
PREFERENCE BLONDES.

AS A MATTER OF FACT,

PREFERENCE ANY KIND
OF WOMAN, SIR.

FERRIS,
YOU'RE INCREDIBLE.

WE DO OUR
LEVEL BEST, SIR.

[AIRPLANE APPROACHING]

IF I'M NOT MISTAKEN,
SIR...

THAT IS
THE GENERAL'S PLANE.

PRESENT ARMS!

HELLO THERE.

HELLO, LILLIAN.
HOW ARE YOU?

WELCOME.

HELLO, MILT.
HOW ARE YOU?

FINE, GENERAL.
GOOD TO SEE YOU.

OH, MY FAVORITES.
HOW DID YOU EVER REMEMBER?

SIR,
I THINK YOU KNOW

MY ASSISTANT
AIR ATTACHE

COLONEL FERRIS.

HELLO, FERRIS.

ALL YOUR PROPS
STILL TURNING?

WE TRY, SIR.

I'VE ASSIGNED FERRIS
TO ACCOMPANY

YOUR EUROPEAN TOUR,
GENERAL.

ALL LOGISTICS--

HOTEL ACCOMMODATIONS
AND SO FORTH.

THIS WAY, SIR.
WOULD YOU EXCUSE US?

SIR, I'VE SECURED
THE OLIVER MESSEL SUITE

FOR YOU
AT THE DORCHESTER HOTEL.

BENSON WILL BE
LOOKING AFTER YOU,

AND FROM WHAT I UNDERSTAND,

YOU'VE SWITCHED
TO CHURCHILL PANETELLAS.

YOU'LL FIND 2 BOXES,

COMPLIMENTS
OF THE AMBASSADOR.

OH, FINE, FINE.
NOW, FERRIS,

WHO IS THIS AIR MARSHAL
UP AHEAD HERE?

UH, AIR MARSHAL
GEORGE GIBBONS.

WHO IS HE?

GIBBONS.
NICKNAME "DUSTY."

YOU MIGHT
CONGRATULATE HIM, SIR.

HE'S JUST BEEN
PROMOTED.

FINE, FERRIS, FINE.

HELLO, DUSTY.
HOW ARE YOU?

HELLO, GENERAL.
HOW ARE YOU?

CONGRATULATIONS
ON THE PROMOTION.
WELL DESERVED.

Gibbons:
THANK YOU, GENERAL.

HANG ON TO
THAT BOOK, FERRIS.

IF THE RUSSIANS EVER
GET AHOLD OF IT,

WE'RE IN BIG TROUBLE.

WOULD YOU HOLD IT THERE,
COLONEL?

♪ BE MY STAR ON HIGH ♪

♪ SAY I'LL LIVE OR DIE ♪

♪ IN A WORD, BE... ♪

CHARMING COUPLE,
THOSE FERRISES.

YEAH.

BIG FUTURE,
THAT BOY.

SHE'S JUST

ABOUT THE SWEETEST
LITTLE THING

I EVER SAW.

ITALIAN, YOU KNOW.

OH?

CHARMING.

♪ THAT I PRAY YOU'LL BE ♪

♪ MY... ♪

YOU REMEMBER WHEN
WE WERE THAT AGE, DEAR?

YEAH.

WHY DID I HAVE TO
WEAR THIS OLD BLUE?

HA HA HA!

WHY COULDN'T I WEAR
MY NEW RED?

BECAUSE, UH, DORIS PARKER
IS WEARING RED.

HA HA HA!

AND IF WE BOTH WORE RED,

YOU'D BE SHOT
AT DAWN? HA HA!

I'VE GOT A PROMOTION

COMING UP
ANY DAY NOW.

I WISH YOU'D STOP
ROCKING THE BOAT.

AT LEAST USE
AN AIR FORCE CLICHE.

HONEY. HA HA!

WHERE'S THAT SMILE?

HA HA HA!

IF I SMILE ANY HARDER,
MY TEETH WILL BREAK.

HA HA HA!

OH, THERE
ARE THE PARKERS.

OH. EH HEH.

GOOD EVENING.

GOOD EVENING,
FERRIS, MRS. FERRIS.

MRS. FERRIS, IT CERTAINLY
IS REFRESHING TO SEE

SUCH A CAREFREE,
HAPPY COUPLE.

HA HA HA!
OH, YES.

WE DO A LOT
OF SMILING.

Man: OH, TOM.

YOU'LL HAVE TO FLY
OVER TO COPENHAGEN TOMORROW.

THAT DANISH
AIR FORCE MATTER.

OF COURSE, SIR, RIGHT
AFTER THE CONFERENCE.

WOULD YOU EXCUSE US?

OH, YES.

THANK YOU.
EXCUSE US.

FROM COPENHAGEN,

CAN YOU BRING ME
A DANISH CORKSCREW?

HONEY, YOU'VE
ALREADY GOT ONE.

WELL, I'D LIKE ANOTHER.

BUT--I'M GONNA HAVE A
FULL DAY IN COPENHAGEN.

I'VE GOT TO BRING BACK
ALL THAT OTHER STUFF.

OTHER STUFF?

JIM'S ORDERED
2 DOZEN JARS OF CAVIAR,

THE HENDERSONS,
MARINATED FISHBALLS,

2 LAMPS
FOR THE MURRAYS.

SO YOU CAN SEE I'LL
BE JAMMED TO THE HATCH.

HOW MUCH ROOM
CAN IT TAKE?

CAN WHAT TAKE?

ONE LITTLE CORKSCREW.

UH, SHH, SHH.

A CORKSCREW
ONLY THAT BIG!

UH, JULIE...

YOU CAN STICK IT
ANYWHERE!

[CROWD WHISPERING]

Tom:
"YOU CAN STICK IT ANYWHERE."

A ROOMFUL OF BRASS,

AND YOU MAKE A FEDERAL
CASE OUT OF CORKSCREWS!

FORGET IT.
I DON'T WANT ONE.

OH, EXCUSE ME.

THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
YOU'VE GOT ONE!

AND IF I WANT 2?

FOR A CHANGE, HUH?

OH, IT'S LATE, DARLING.
COME TO BED.

I DON'T WANT
TO GO TO BED.

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

HA HA! I KNOW.

I KNOW
WHAT YOU WANT. SIT.

AHH...

I'M TOO UPSET
TO GO TO SLEEP.

I'LL FIX YOU
A NICE GLASS OF HOT...

MILK, HMM?

UH...

I DON'T WANT
ANY HOT MILK.

THEN TAKE
A SLEEPING PILL.

WELL, I RATHER
WOULD HAVE THE MILK.

ALL RIGHT.
I'LL FIX SOME.

NO, NO, NEVER MIND.
NEVER MIND.

I'LL TAKE A PILL.

OH, YOU TAKE
TOO MANY PILLS.

YEAH? ALL RIGHT,
I'LL TAKE THE MILK.

WE'RE OUT.

YOU BETTER TAKE PILLS.

"WE'RE OUT. YOU BETTER
TAKE PILLS"? HUH?

YOU'RE SLEEPY, DEAR.
COME TO BED.

I TELL YOU,
SOMETIMES...

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

YOU KNOW, TOM...

I HATE TO FIGHT...

AND NAG
AND ARGUE AND--

YOU FIGHT AS MUCH
AS YOU WANT...

AND NAG...

AND ARGUE...

AND PERFUME.

I DON'T WANT PERFUME.
I JUST WANT--

NO, NO, NOT FOR YOU,
MY DARLING.

THE GENERAL'S WIFE.

I FORGOT TO GET
THIS PERFUME...

OH, COME ON. THAT'S
PART OF MY JOB.

JOB! YOU ARE MARRIED
TO THAT DUMB BLACK BOOK.

SOMETIMES I WISH
IT WERE FULL OF WOMEN

INSTEAD OF--
OF THINGS!

WELL, IF IT WASN'T
FOR THE THINGS,

YOU'D BE WASHING
DIAPERS

IN A TARPAPER SHACK

IN HUNTER FIELD,
GEORGIA!

I WANT TO WASH DIAPERS!

YOU WANT BECAUSE
YOU NEVER HAD TO.

GIVE ME THE CHANCE!

WHERE ARE
THOSE PILLS?

DON'T CHANGE
THE SUBJECT.

I DON'T WANT TO TALK
ABOUT CHILDREN.

I DON'T WANT
TO TALK ABOUT THEM.

I WANT TO HAVE THEM.

NOT TONIGHT!

I WON'T TALK
ABOUT THEM TONIGHT.

OR ANY OTHER NIGHT.

WHERE ARE
THOSE PILLS?

WHAT'S WRONG WITH HAVING
A BABY RIGHT HERE IN LONDON?

WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH YOU?

ARE YOU CRAZY ABOUT
THE COLD? YOU DIG DAMP?

YOU WANT A KID JUST
LIKE THE MILLERS'--

3 YEARS OLD,
WINTER AND SUMMER,

A NOSE
THAT NEVER QUITS.

OH, NO. NOT ME.
MY SON'S GONNA BE BORN

IN A BIG,
BEAUTIFUL HOSPITAL

IN WASHINGTON, D.C.

WHEN I'M A FULL COLONEL

AT $967.62 A MONTH.

BLUE. BLUE! I TOOK
THE WRONG PILLS!

I TOOK
PEP-UP PILLS!

I'LL BE UP
ALL NIGHT!

WHAT'S SO FUNNY?

OH, TOM,
IT IS FUNNY.

HYSTERICAL.
I KNOW WHAT I'LL DO.

I'LL TAKE
TWO SLEEPING PILLS

TO COUNTERACT
THE PEP-UP PILLS.

HELP ME
FIND THE PILLS.

LOOK IN THE DRAWER.

THEY GOT TO BE
SOMEWHERE.

HERE. TOM, YOU TAKE
TOO MANY PILLS.

8:00 MEETING
WITH THE BRASS.

IF I DON'T TAKE THEM,

I'LL BE HALF OUT
OF MY MIND.

IF YOU'RE REALLY
OUT OF YOUR MIND,

MAYBE YOU'LL BRING ME
A BUNCH OF FLOWERS--

ONE FLOWER,

A ROSE, ANYTHING!

OH, JULIET, PLEASE.

OH, TOM.

WHEN'S THE LAST TIME

WE WENT OUT ALONE
HOLDING HANDS? HMM?

JULIET, THIS MAY COME
AS A SHOCK TO YOU,

BUT THERE
ARE SOME THINGS

MORE IMPORTANT
IN LIFE

THAN HOLDING HANDS
WITH YOUR WIFE.

YOU'RE REALLY DISGUSTING!

WHAT?

MEAN AND SELFISH
AND DISGUSTING!

WHO, ME?

VULGAR, CHEAP,
AND INSENSITIVE!

[SOBBING]

OH, THERE, THERE.

WHY ARE WE TEARING EACH
OTHER APART THIS WAY?

OH, JULIETTA,
DON'T CRY.

COME ON TO BED, HUH?

COME ON.
THERE, THERE, THERE.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.

TOMORROW NIGHT, WE'LL GO OUT
AND DO SOMETHING SPECIAL.

WHAT DO YOU SAY? GOOD?

YOU'RE GOING TO
COPENHAGEN TOMORROW.

OOH, THAT'S RIGHT.
I FORGOT.

ALL RIGHT,
WHEN I COME BACK. HMM?

TOM, DON'T GO.

OH, JULIETTA,
BUT I HAVE TO.

OH, FOR ME, TRY.

OH, BUT--

ALL RIGHT, JULIET,
I'LL TRY.

I'LL TELL YOU
WHAT I'LL DO.

I'LL GET CHARLEY
TO GO INSTEAD.

BETTER THAN THAT,
I'LL ASK LEN. LEN'S GOT A--

LENS! A 2-INCH LENS
FOR A HASSELBLAD!

SCUSA.

THIS GENERAL WANTED ME
TO GET A HASSELBLAD--

DARLING.

HUH?

TAKE
YOUR HASSELBLADS...

WHAT?

AND YOUR GENERALS

AND YOUR MARINATED
FISHBALLS,

AND GET OUT.

OUT!

OUT!

COLONEL!

YOU FORGOT
YOUR BRIEF--

Man: COULD WE HAVE ONE MORE,
COLONEL MARTIN?

YES, WHY NOT?

I LIKE
TO GIVE THEM OUT.

HOW'S THAT?
WONDERFUL.

GILROY,
DID YOU SEE TANK?

YEAH.

WHERE DID HE GO?

HE SAID HE HAD
A FEW CHORES TO DO,

AND THEN HE WAS GOING TO
DROP IN AND SEE YOUR WIFE.

I HAVEN'T SEEN THE GUY
IN 14 YEARS,

AND THE FIRST THING
HE DOES IS SEE MY WIFE?

DO YOU THINK
HE KNOWS ANYTHING?

HOW COULD HE?

DID HE SEEM LIKE
HE KNEW ANYTHING?

NO. HE JUST SAID HE WAS
GONNA DROP BY THE HOUSE.

I'D BETTER
GET OUT THERE.

I KNOW
YOU'RE A LITTLE EDGY

'CAUSE YOU
DIDN'T SLEEP LAST NIGHT,

BUT YOU HAVE TO GO
TO A CONFERENCE.

TO HELL
WITH THE CONFERENCE.

IT'S GENERAL PARKER,
SIR. TOP BRASS!

ALL RIGHT,
ALL RIGHT.

WHY ARE YOU
GETTING ALL PANICKY?

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY
HAPPEN?

YOU'RE RIGHT.
WHAT COULD HAPPEN?

WE'RE IN THE AMERICAN
EMBASSY IN LONDON,

NOT IN THE JUNGLE.

I DON'T WHAT I'M
GETTING SO NERVOUS ABOUT.

WHAT COULD HAPPEN?

KEEP THE MOTOR RUNNING.

I CAN BEST ILLUSTRATE
THE TACTICAL USE OF THIS THING

BY REFERRING
TO SEVERAL INCIDENTS

IN THE KOREAN CAMPAIGN.

WE FOUND OUT THAT OUR
FORMATIONS WERE UNWIELDY.

THEY WERE INFLEXIBLE,

AND SO WE DEVELOPED
THE "HUNT AND KILL" CONCEPT.

THE TIME--SEPTEMBER 1952.

THE PLACE--MIG ALLEY.

Echo: MIG ALLY.

MIG ALLY.

[GUNFIRE]

WHISKEY ROMEO 4
TO MOTHER GOOSE.

WHISKEY ROMEO 4
TO MOTHER GOOSE.

Tom: COME IN!
COME IN! COME IN!

ROGER. MOTHER GOOSE HERE.
WHAT'S THE SCOOP?

MY GUNS ARE JAMMED.
BANDITS 3, 12, 5.

TAKE YOUR PICK
ALL AROUND THE CLOCK.

HOLD THE FORT. BUSY HANDS
ARE HAPPY HANDS.

GET YOUR BUTT
OVER HERE!

BEHIND YOU AT 6:00.

SPLIT US THE HELL
OUT OF THERE,

AND I'LL PICK YOU UP
IN A DIVE.

[GUNFIRE]

[RINGING]

Tom: HEY...

HOW ABOUT THAT, HUH?

Tank: UH...

NOW WHAT?

HMM?

MM-HMM.

WHAT ABOUT THAT?

UH, NO.

AHH...

WELL, YOURS
ISN'T TOO BAD.

MINE? I FIGURED
SHE WAS MORE YOUR STYLE.

YEAH. RATHER ATTRACTIVE,
I THINK.

YEAH, IF YOU'RE CRAZY
ABOUT THOMAS JEFFERSON.

BUSY HANDS
ARE HAPPY HANDS.

SEE YOU LATER, SWEETHEART.

AH, AH, AH.

CHARLIE, LET ME
HAVE A DECK OF CARDS.

HERE YOU GO,
LIEUTENANT.

HIGH CARD,
WINNER TAKE ALL.

FAIR ENOUGH?

ANY CARD? ANY CARD
I CAN TAKE.

ANY CARD YOU LIKE.
MAKES NO DIFFERENCE.

A LADY.

LADY, HUH?

ACE. WELL...

OH, ISN'T THIS FABULOUS?
HA HA! ACES.

HA HA! ISN'T THAT AMAZING?
ALL THOSE ACES.

YEAH? NOW WHAT?

SOMETHING HONEST?

HAVE WE SUNK
TO THAT?

I GOT IT.

TELL YOU WHAT.

ONE DART,
WINNER TAKE ALL.

WAIT--
WITH YOUR LEFT HAND.

WAIT--
OVER YOUR SHOULDER.

HA HA HA!

IF YOU WANT A DATE
THAT BADLY, GO AHEAD.

THERE'S NO OTHER WORD
FOR THIS BUT FATE.

I MEAN...

2 STRANGERS LOST...

DRIFTING.

THEN THE MIRACLE HAPPENS.

EYES MEET...

HANDS TOUCH...

LIPS...

HUNGER TO FUSE IN
THAT ONE MOMENT OF ECSTASY.

WOULD YOU LIKE
ANOTHER DRINK?

COULD I?

[SNAP]

SALLY ANN...

DO YOU LOVE
YOUR COUNTRY?

LOVE MY COUNTRY?

JUST HOW MUCH?

VERY MUCH.

I'M GOING TO HAVE TO
TRUST YOU.

I'M NOT REALLY A FLIER.

I'M A SECRET AGENT.

A SEC--

THEY'RE DROPPING ME
BEHIND ENEMY LINES TONIGHT.

IF I'M CAUGHT...

WELL...

WE'VE ALL HEARD
THEM STORIES, HAVEN'T WE?

OH, TANK.

SALLY ANN, THIS MAY BE
MY LAST NIGHT ON EARTH.

CAN YOU THINK OF ANY LOVELIER
OR MORE SPIRITUAL WAY

OF SPENDING IT
THAN CRADLED

IN YOUR LOVING,
COMPASSIONATE ARMS?

BUT, TANK...

I HARDLY KNOW YOU.

THAT'S WHAT MAKES IT
SO BEAUTIFUL.

SHALL WE?

CAPTAIN MARTIN?

MM-HMM?

I'M CHANDLER McVEY,
TIME MAGAZINE.

WE'RE DOING A PIECE

ON THE KOREAN
EPISODE.

IF YOU COULD
SPARE AN HOUR,

WE'D ROUGH IT IN.

WHAT DID YOU SAY
YOUR NAME WAS?

CHANDLER McVEY.

NOT THE CHANDLER McVEY,

FAMOUS FOREIGN
CORRESPONDENT?

HEY, THAT'S REAL
JOURNALISM TALK--

THAT "EPISODE,"
"ROUGH IT IN."

IF YOU COULD
DIG UP A PHOTO,

WE'D LIKE TO USE ONE
FOR THE COVER. "TOP ACE

OF THE SQUADRON,"
THAT SORT OF THING.

I'M FRESH OUT,
MR. FOREIGN CORRESPONDENT.

IN CASE YOU HAVEN'T HEARD,

WE'VE GOT A LITTLE WAR
GOING ON OVER HERE,

SO WHY DON'T YOU
JUST GET LOST?

I BEG YOUR PARDON.

IT SEEMS THERE'S
A GREAT DISCREPANCY

BETWEEN HEROISM
AND GOOD MANNERS.

OH, THAT'S VERY TIME--

LEAN, TERSE, SARDONIC.

LISTEN. NEXT TIME,

TELL OLD SMILING JACK
OVER THERE

"A LITTLE MORE SUBTLE."

NOW, WHERE WERE WE?

OH, YEAH. SHALL WE?

YOU WERE
TERRIBLY RUDE.

I'M NOT HERE TO
GIVE OUT INTERVIEWS.

I'M A FLIER.

AREN'T YOU
A SECRET AGENT?

RIGHT. HOW COULD
MY PICTURE BE

ON THE COVER OF TIME?

WE'D BETTER GO.

THERE ARE SO FEW HOURS
TILL DAWN.

HEY, CHARLIE,

THE C.O.'s LOOKING
FOR McVEY,

CORRESPONDENT
FROM TIME MAGAZINE.

YOU SEEN HIM?

OH, YEAH. HE
JUST WENT OUT.

THANKS.

YOU MEAN
HE REALLY WAS--

UH, SIT DOWN,
THERE, HONEY.

DON'T GO AWAY.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

UH, EXCUSE ME, MA'AM.

I'D LIKE TO APOLOGIZE
FOR CAPTAIN MARTIN.

A PATHETIC CASE.
MAY I SIT DOWN?

HE DIDN'T GIVE YOU
THAT "SECRET AGENT,

"SO FEW HOURS TILL DAWN,

LIPS HUNGER TO FUSE"
ROUTINE, DID HE?

HOW DID YOU KNOW?

IT ALL CAME OUT
IN THE TRIAL.

TRIAL?

MMM. TERRIBLY SORDID.

THEY HUSHED IT UP
BECAUSE OF HIS WAR RECORD.

MY BLOOD RUNS COLD
AT THE THOUGHT

OF WHAT HE DID
TO THAT SWEET, INNOCENT,

DEFENSELESS NURSE.

WHAT DID HE DO?

MAY I ASK YOUR AGE?

19.

YOU'RE OLD ENOUGH TO READ
THE NEWSPAPER CLIPPINGS.

I HAVE THEM OVER
AT MY PLACE.

HE DIDN'T

YES, YES.

TRY TO--

YOU MEAN HE--

OH, IT'S A LONG STORY.

I BETTER GET US
A FIFTH OF BOURBON.

UH, CHARL...

[LAUGHTER]

WE BETTER HURRY, HONEY.

YEAH.
THANK YOU, CHARLIE.

COME ON.

SPIT ON THE AMERICAN
FLAG, WILL YOU?

THAT'S LIKE SPITTING
ON VALLEY FORGE

OR BETSY ROSS...

MY MOM'S APPLE PIE!

YEAH...

SORRY, OLD MAN.

[SHOUTING]

TOM! HELP!

Tank: HELP!

HE'S SPITTING
ON THE FLAG!

OK, WE'LL GET IT
DRY-CLEANED!

LET'S STAY
AND WATCH THIS, OK?

HE NEEDS HELP!

HELP?
HE'S EATING THEM ALIVE.

WELL, AREN'T YOU
GOING TO DEFEND
THE FLAG?

A FLAG THAT SIZE?

CLUMSY OAF!

CONCERNING
YOUR PATRIOTISM--

DON'T GO AWAY.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

WE BETTER GET
OUT OF HERE.

MY CAPE!

OH, YEAH. HOLD THIS.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

OLé!

AAH!

YOU'RE INVITED
TO THE WEDDING!

WONDERFUL. I JUST WANT
THE PICK OF THE LITTER.

WELL...

GET DOWN, GIRLS!

ALL RIGHT, GIRLS,
NOW, DON'T PANIC.

FOLLOW ME
SINGLE FILE.

LET ME HAVE YOUR HAT.
READY? LET'S GO.

BREAK IT UP, FELLAS.

FELLAS, EXCUSE ME--
THE GIRLS.

SORRY, GIRLS!
IT'S EACH MAN FOR HIMSELF!

WHERE DID HE
COME FROM?

OH, EXCUSE ME.

WHY DID YOU SPIT

ON
THE AUSTRALIAN FLAG?

NO, NO, WAIT.
IT'S NOT TRUE!

THEY'RE KILLING HIM!

IT WILL TAKE HOURS.

Julie: YOU'LL
BE A LITTLE WEAK

FOR A FEW DAYS,

AND THE HEADACHES
WILL BE VERY BAD.

FINITO.
ALL DONE.

HI.

HI.

WELL, YOU SHOULD HAVE
WARNED ME.

YOU'RE TOO BEAUTIFUL
FOR SOMEONE

TO JUST OPEN
HIS EYES AND SEE.

LIEUTENANT.

I LOVED YOUR VOICE,

BUT NOW THAT I CAN SEE,
I LOVE WHERE IT COMES FROM.

YOU'RE PULLING
MY FOOT.

YOU MEAN YOUR LEG,
AND I'D LOVE TO.

YOU'RE--YOU'RE ITALIAN,
AREN'T YOU?

YES.

BUT YOU'RE BLONDE.

IT'S NOT ALLOWED?

OH, I'M NOT COMPLAINING.

IT'S JUST I NEVER THINK
OF BRUNETTES AS BLONDES--

I MEAN ITALIANS.

IT'S USUALLY MORE
ONE WAY THAN THE OTHER.

I MEAN, WHATEVER
THE OTHER WAY WAS,

I LIKE IT BETTER
YOUR WAY.

DO YOU FEEL
ALL RIGHT?

NO, I DON'T FEEL WELL
AT ALL.

I'M GOING TO NEED
A LOT OF ATTENTION, YES.

YOU'LL HAVE TO BE HERE
ALL THE TIME.

HA HA! TELL ME.
HOW DID IT HAPPEN?

OH, IT WAS JUST
ONE OF THOSE THINGS.

6 MIGS JUMP ME.

I BLAST 3 OF THEM,

BUT ONE OF 'EM
GETS ON MY TAIL. BAM!

MY ENGINE'S ON FIRE,
THE AMMO'S EXPLODING,

AND SHE'S BUCKING
LIKE A BRONCO.

I GET 2 OF 'EM AS I GO
INTO THIS STEEP SUICIDE DIVE.

I SHOULD
HIT THE SILK,

BUT I'M FLYING
$1 MILLION WORTH

OF TAXPAYERS' AIRPLANE.

DON'T ASK ME HOW, BUT I
PULL HER OUT AT 50 FEET.

I SLAM HER DOWN
ON A RUNWAY.

I SKID ABOUT 1 1/2 MILES
INTO A RICE PADDY

TO AVOID HITTING
THIS CHILDREN'S ORPHANAGE--

THIS TINY CHILDREN'S
ORPHANAGE.

YOUR CHART SAYS

"CONCUSSION
DUE TO BRAWL

IN SERVICE CLUB."

OH, YOU MEAN THAT BRAWL.
OH, WELL, THAT CAME LATER.

NO ONE CAN SPIT

ON THE AMERICAN FLAG WHILE
TOM FERRIS IS AROUND.

THAT WOULD BE VERY BAD
ON YOUR RECORD.

IT WAS JUST A FIGHT.

IT RELIEVES THE TENSION
OF FIGHTING ALL THE TIME.

HAVE YOU HEARD FROM
A CAPTAIN MARTIN?

OH, YES.

OH, YOU HAVE, HUH?

HE CALLED TWICE. HE'S
VERY WORRIED ABOUT YOU.

HE DAMN WELL
SHOULD BE.

YOU MUSTN'T SEE HIM.

I MEAN,
I MUSTN'T SEE HIM.

HE'S AN UNSTABLE
CHARACTER,

AND HE MAKES ME
NERVOUS,

AND I'M
A VERY CALM PERSON.

HE'S NOT YOUR FRIEND?

MY FRIEND?
WHY, THAT DIRTY--

HE'S THE ONE THAT
SPIT ON THE F...

UH, WHO'S THAT FOR--
YOU OR ME?

ON YOUR STOMACH,
PLEASE.

OH, WELL, IT'S...

IT'S NOT MY MOST
FLATTERING ANGLE,

AND I MIGHT AS WELL
TELL YOU NOW

I'M NOT A GREAT FAN
OF PAIN.

WHAT DO I--
WHAT DO I CALL YOU?

TRY LIEUTENANT.

JUST A MOMENT.

I'M SORRY. I DON'T
DO THIS FOR STRANGERS.

I MUST HAVE YOUR NAME.

PARODI.

FOR THE WEDDING
INVITATIONS,

I MUST HAVE
A FIRST NAME.

ALL RIGHT.
JULIETTA.

JULIETTA?

MM-HMM.

JULIETTA.

JULIETTA FERRIS.

JULIETTA PARODI...

UH...FERRIS.

ALL RIGHT?

YES. ALL RIGHT.

JUST THINK...

WE'VE HAD OUR FIRST
SHOT TOGETHER.

NOW GO TO SLEEP.

BE A GOOD LIEUTENANT,

AND YOU'LL BE OUT
BEFORE YOU KNOW IT.

YOU'D BE SURPRISED

HOW LONG THESE
THINGS CAN TAKE.

ARRIVEDERCI.
THAT'S ITALIAN.

GO TO SLEEP.
THAT'S ENGLISH.

[SIGH]

WHY CAN'T I
TALK TO HIM?

THIS IS THE THIRD TIME
I'VE CALLED.

I AM SORRY.
DOCTOR'S ORDERS.

HE MUST HAVE
COMPLETE ISOLATION.

Tank: WHO'S IN CHARGE
OVER THERE?

SWITCH ME OVER TO
COLONEL HOCKSTADER.

NURSE, I LEFT
EXPRESS INSTRUCTIONS

THERE WERE TO BE
NO PHONE CALLS HERE.

WHO IS THAT?

CAPTAIN MARTIN,
DOCTOR--

A CLOSE FRIEND.

I'LL TAKE IT. HELLO.
MAJOR FRUMISS HERE.

YOU GOT
A MIGHTY SICK BUDDY--

SEVERE CRANIAL
INTERSTITIAL CONTUSIONS

WITH INTIMATED
COMPLICATIONS.

I HAD NO IDEA,
MAJOR.

THE PATIENT MUST HAVE
NO DISTRACTIONS

AND NO EXCITEMENT.

THAT MEANS NO PHONE CALLS,
NO VISITORS, NOTHING.

DO YOU READ ME?

WELL, I SURE HOPE
HE'LL BE ALL RIGHT.

OH, HE'S GOING
TO BE FINE

IF PEOPLE JUST
LEAVE HIM ALONE.

HE'S IN
MIGHTY FINE HANDS.

GOOD-BYE.

BEAUTIFUL HANDS.
MMM.

HE CAN'T BE THAT MUCH
OF A MONSTER.

HE CAN'T, HUH?

WHY DOES HE SLEEP
IN A COFFIN?

OH, STOP.

WHEN HE ORDERS
A BLOODY MARY,

IT'S THE REAL THING.

WHY DOES HE
DISTURB YOU SO MUCH?

HE DOESN'T
DISTURB ME.

YOU WANT TO KNOW
MY PROBLEM? YOU. LIEUTENANT.

EVERY TIME YOU WALK
INTO THIS ROOM,

BUTTERFLIES...

A WHOLE SQUADRON.

I...I'LL GET
YOUR DINNER.

WHO CAN EAT?

I CAN'T.

YOU--

DON'T.

PLEASE.

UH, EXCUSE ME.
LIEUTENANT FERRIS?

SORRY, SIR.
NO VISITORS.

IT'S BEEN 10 DAYS.

DOCTOR'S ORDERS.

HE'S IMMOBILIZED--

MUST HAVE
COMPLETE REST.

Man: MARY.

MARY.

STOP.

HONEY, I THINK
I'M GETTING

THAT FEVER
BACK AGAIN.

CHARLIE, NOT HERE.

UH, I'LL TAKE
THE FLOWERS, SIR.

I THINK MAYBE
I'LL GET HIM

SOMETHING
A LITTLE SHOWIER.

LIEUTENANT FERRIS, PLEASE.

LIEUTENANT, WATCH IT.

CAPTAIN MARTIN IS SNEAKING
UP TO YOUR ROOM.

DON'T MENTION IT, SIR.

TOM?

HMM?

SOMEONE HERE?

IT'S ME--TANK.

TANK. TANK!

WHERE ARE YOU?

COME CLOSER.

CAN'T YOU SEE ME?

NO, BUT I CAN
HEAR YOU.

YOU'RE RIGHT
OVER THERE, HUH?

OH, TOMMY.

TANK?

OH, TANK.

IT'S SO GOOD
TO TOUCH SOMEONE,

BUT YOU CAN'T STAY.

I'M NOT ALLOWED
VISITORS OR PEOPLE.

I'M JUST SICK
ABOUT THIS.

IT'S NOT PERMANENT,
IS IT?

NO, NO, NO.

IT'S PRESSURE
ON THE OPTIC NERVE.

DOCTOR SAYS A FEW MORE
WEEKS, AND I'LL BE FINE.

NICE SEEING YOU, TANK.

YOU HAVE TO GO, TANK.

WELL...

GIVE THEM HELL,
BUDDY.

RIGHT. TANK,
THE FLOWERS.

HUH?

I SMELLED THEM

THE MINUTE
YOU CAME IN.

RHODODENDRONS--
MY FAVORITE FLOWER.

OH, THANKS, TANK.
OH, SO BEAUTIFUL.

THEY REALLY BRIGHTEN
UP THE ROOM.

MARVELOUS COLORS,
I IMAGINE.

[SNIFF]

WHAT A FRAGRANCE.

[SNIFF]

MMM.

OH, THEY'RE
BEAUTIFUL.

OH, GORGEOUS.
MMM, BEAUTIFUL.

[SNIFF]

MARVELOUS.

HELLO THERE.

HI, SIR.

HOW'S OLD TOM?

THEY SAY HE'S GETTING
ALONG JUST FINE.

IN FACT, I GOT TO
BRING HIM SOME STUFF

UP TO THE HOSPITAL--

HIS ROBE AND SOME BOOKS
AND STUFF LIKE THAT.

WHAT'S IN THE BAG?

OH, FRUIT.

I'D LIKE TO BE THERE
WHEN HE PEELS IT.

HOWDY!

HEY, HEY!
YOU CAN SEE.

YEAH. WELL,
IT COMES AND GOES.

GILROY GOT
A LITTLE HUNG UP.

HE SAID YOU BOUGHT THIS
FOR A NURSE.

YES--NURSE KREMDEL.
NICE OLD BAG.

SHE'S HAVING
A 50th BIRTHDAY,

AND SO I BOUGHT HER
A LITTLE PRESENT.

WELL, WHAT IS IT?

WELL,
IT'S A PAISLEY SHAWL

AND SOME NICE, LONG,
WOOLEN UNDERWEAR.

TOMMY,
YOU'RE ALL HEART.

OH! OH.

YOU'RE BEGINNING
TO FADE AGAIN.

YOU'D BETTER GO.

I'LL GET YOUR NURSE.

I DON'T WANT
MY NURSE.

I'D BETTER GET YOU
SOME HELP. NURSE!

NO! NO! TANK!

THERE'S A SICK MAN IN HERE!

WHAT'S WRONG?

Tom: I WANT MY NURSE--
THE OTHER ONE--

OTHER ONE?

MISS NIBLUM.

HE MEANS
MISS KREMDEL.

I'D BETTER GET BACK
TO MY ROOM.

I THINK YOU HAVE
A FEVER.

IT'S HIM.

HIM. HE...

[TOM MUMBLES]

ARE YOU
CAPTAIN MARTIN?

TOM BOUGHT YOU
THIS LITTLE PRESENT.

I JUST THOUGHT
I'D DROP IT OFF.

OH. YOU'RE
VERY KIND.

AT YOUR SERVICE.

WE'RE OPEN
24 HOURS A DAY.

HA HA HA!

WELL, YOU'RE
VERY KIND.

OH, YES.

GRAZIE.

PREGO!

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.
NURSE, MY TEMPERATURE.

YOU BETTER LEAVE.

THIS IS NOT A HOTEL.
IT'S A HOSPITAL.

CAPTAIN, I THINK
PERHAPS...

AH, RIGHT.

I FORGOT ABOUT HIS
INTERSTITIAL CONTUSIONS

WITH HIS INTERMITTENT
DOUBLE-TALK.

WELL, TOM, OLD BOY,

MUSTN'T KEEP THE BIG WAR
WAITING, HUH?

OOH! OH.

BYE.

WHY, YOU SNEAKY,
SLIMY, CREEPY BUM.

I THINK
HE'S CHARMING.

SNEAK IN WHILE
MY LIFE IS DANGLING

BY A THREAD.

OH, I HOPE
YOU LIKE THIS.

TOM, I TOLD YOU--

NO MORE PRESENTS,
PLEASE.

PLEASE. IT'S
A LITTLE TOKEN

OF MY ESTEEM.

OH.

HUH?

OH,
IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

IT WAS MY MOTHER'S.

OH, TOM,
YOU ARE CRAZY.

JULIE, I...

I AM SORRY.

I'M ON DUTY NOW.

Tom: JULIE?

YES?

YOU KNOW
SOMETHING?

I REALLY DO.

DO?

LOVE YOU.

MAY I?

WHY DO I HAVE
THE DISTINCT IMPRESSION

THAT I
HAVE BEEN THE SUBJECT

OF A LITTLE
CHARACTER ASSASSINATION?

THERE'S BEEN
SOME TARGET PRACTICE.

WELL, I DON'T KNOW
WHAT WAS SAID,

BUT I CAN ASSURE YOU

THAT WHEN IT COMES
TO THE FAIRER SEX,

MY BEHAVIOR
HAS ALWAYS BEEN

RESPECTFUL,
CONSIDERATE,

AND TOTALLY
LECHEROUS.

MAY I ASK, CAPTAIN,

WITH EVERYBODY
MAKING LOVE,

WHO'S FIGHTING THE WAR?

LET'S NOT TALK SHOP.

OR BETTER STILL,
LET'S--

OVER A CIVILIZED
DINNER

AT A CHARMING PLACE

I HAVE MANAGED
TO UNCOVER.

WHICH DO YOU PREFER--

I'M WASHING MY HAIR,
OR I HAVE ANOTHER DATE?

PICK YOU UP AT 6:00?

WHY DO YOU HAVE
SO LITTLE CONFIDENCE?

IT ALL STEMS FROM A
RATHER PRAGMATIC FEELING

THAT LEMON DROP SOUP,

SCAMPI CLOAKED IN
THE SHEEREST BATTER,

AND A FAIRLY
PALATABLE ESPRESSO--

EVEN WITH ME--

IS PREFERABLE
TO A PLATE OF HASH

AT THE NURSES' MESS.

THANK YOU, CAPTAIN.

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

YOU DO SPEAK ITALIAN.

WELL, JUST ENOUGH

TO GET MY FACE
SLAPPED.

WHEN IS TOM DUE
TO BE RELEASED?

THE DOCTOR SAID SOMETHING
ABOUT WEDNESDAY.

WEDNESDAY. HMM.

ANOTHER BRANDY?

NO, THANK YOU.

YOU KNOW OLD TOM'S
HAD 58 MISSIONS?

I'D SAY HIS NERVES
ARE DESPERATELY
IN NEED

OF A RETUNING.

HE SEEMS FINE TO ME.

WELL, PERHAPS,

BUT AS HIS
FLIGHT COMMANDER,

I'M AFRAID I'LL
HAVE TO RECOMMEND

A SOLID MONTH
IN JAPAN

AWAY FROM ANY
UNDUE STIMULATION,

AND I'M AFRAID,
LIEUTENANT,

THAT INCLUDES YOU.

I THINK THAT'S
FOR A DOCTOR TO DECIDE.

EXACTLY.

HI THERE. FAN MAIL?

FROM TOM IN TOKYO.

NICE WORK, CAPTAIN.

WELL, WHAT AM I
SUPPOSED TO DO?

APOLOGIZE FOR
SAVING HIS LIFE?

YOU GOT ANY IDEA
WHAT 58 COMBAT MISSIONS

CAN DO TO A MAN--

THE STRAIN OF FLYING
ON NOTHING BUT RAW NERVE?

WE CLOSE
WITH THE ENEMY

ABOUT 500 MILES
AN HOUR.

YOU'RE EITHER
RAZOR-SHARP,

OR THEY PICK YOU UP
WITH A BLOTTER.

THAT WON'T HAPPEN
TO TOM, NO, SIR,

EVEN IF I HAVE TO
KEEP HIM IN JAPAN
FOR 6 MONTHS.

UH...

BY THE WAY,

I GOT A COUPLE
OF INVITES

TO THE V.I.P.
SECTION

OF THE USO
TONIGHT.

I WAS GOING TO
ASK YOU,

BUT PERHAPS
YOU'D RATHER GO

WITH SOMEBODY
YOU DON'T FIND

QUITE SO DISTASTEFUL.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

I WANT TO TELL YOU

THAT THE POSTMEN
HAVE A TERRIBLE TIME

DELIVERING PACKAGES HERE.

NOBODY WILL TAKE THEM. THEY
JUST TURN AROUND AND RUN.

Hope: AS SOON AS I ANNOUNCED
I WAS COMING HERE,

MY VACCINATION SPIT AT ME.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW, WE'D HAVE NEVER
FOUND THIS PLACE

IF WE DIDN'T GET LOST.

AND PLEASE, WE DON'T WANT
TOO MUCH APPLAUSE.

I'D HATE
TO BE HELD OVER. OHH.

[LAUGHTER]

[GUNFIRE]

OH!

[AIRPLANE APPROACHING]

[GLASS BREAKS]

BED-CHECK
CHARLIE.

TANK,
WHEN YOU'RE UP THERE,

DO YOU EVER
THINK ABOUT...

ABOUT ANYTHING
HAPPENING?

WHAT'S THE USE
OF KIDDING?

THERE ISN'T
ONE OF US

THAT DOESN'T
THINK ABOUT IT--

THE TERROR--

THE COLD,
NUMBING TERROR

THAT YOU'RE ALIVE
AND WHOLE,

AND THEN...

ALL OF A SUDDEN,
WITHOUT WARNING,

THERE YOU ARE,

MARRIED.

YOU DON'T REALLY
THINK ABOUT IT?

IF I EVER DO
GET THE BIG NOD,

JUST FIND
A HIGH, SUNNY HILL

AND THROW
A FEW RED ROSES

OUT TO SEA.

I PROMISE.

NOTHING'S
GOING TO HAPPEN

TO THE OLD TANKER.

I WOULDN'T
ALLOW IT.

PLEASE, TANK.

DON'T.

OH, I AM
SO CONFUSED.

TOM?

AND ME?

WELL, IT'S
THE WAR, JULIE.

EVERYTHING'S
UPSIDE-DOWN.

THE TRICK IS NOT
TO THINK ABOUT IT.

IT'S NOT THE WAR.
IT'S ME.

I'VE ALWAYS WANTED
2 OF EVERYTHING.

AS A LITTLE GIRL,

I WAS AFRAID
TO LOSE WHAT I LOVED.

WITH 2 THINGS,

YOU'RE--
YOU'RE ALWAYS SAFER.

2 BLUE BLANKETS,

2 PUPPY DOGS,
2 PUSSYCATS.

YOU'D HAVE BEEN
A SMASH ON THE ARK.

[AIRPLANE FLIES OVER]

AH, THIS WAR'S
GETTING OUT OF HAND.

I SWEAR, ALL THEM
PEOPLE THINK ABOUT

IS FIGHT, FIGHT,
FIGHT.

TRY THIS FOR SIZE.

WHAT DO YOU CALL IT?

INSTANT MOTEL.

I BET YOU HAVE
VERY FEW VACANCIES.

WELL, I KEEP
A PRIVATE STOCK

AT MY PLACE

FOR DISCRIMINATING
CLIENTELE.

AREN'T NURSES FORBIDDEN
IN OFFICERS' QUARTERS

AFTER 9 P.M.?

SOME NURSES...

AND SOME OFFICERS

WITH NO IMAGINATION
AND NO BACK DOOR.

WE MUSTN'T.

WE SHOULDN'T.

WE CAN'T.

CAN'T?

I'M ON LATE DUTY
TONIGHT.

WHAT ABOUT
TOMORROW NIGHT?

NO.

NO?

NO LATE DUTY.

[GONG SOUNDS]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

AH, GLEETINGS,
HONORABLE GUEST.

YOU PUNCTUALITY
ONLY EXCEEDED

BY YOU GLACIOUS
AND HEAVENRY PLESENCE.

HONORABLE GUEST
WOULD LIKE TO KNOW

WHAT THE HELL
IS GOING ON.

WELCOME HOME,
BUDDY BOY.

UH, YES.
IT'S A PARTY FOR YOU.

HOW DID YOU KNOW
I WAS COMING?

HMM? HUH?
I HAVE MY SOURCES.

THERE'S A GANG OF THE FELLAHS
OVER AT THE CLUB.

I THINK YOU SHOULD
GET OVER THERE

BECAUSE I HAVE TO
CHANGE MY CLOTHES.

I'LL JOIN YOU
IN 5 MINUTES.

LET ME GET MY COAT
AND BAG DOWN.

I BROUGHT YOU
A PRESENT.

DID YOU MAKE THAT WITH
YOUR OWN LITTLE HANDS?

HOW SWEET.
WE SHOULD RUSH

BECAUSE WE MUSTN'T
KEEP THOSE BOYS WAITING.

THIS IS A PARTY FOR YOU
AND YOUR HOMECOMING,

AND I THINK
YOU SHOULD--

YOU LOOK GREAT,
KID.

WHY NOT?

I HAD 86,000
HOURS OF SLEEP.

WELL, YOU NEEDED IT.

I MEAN, YOU WERE SICK,
YOU KNOW.

YOU HAD PRESSURES

ON ALL THEM
OPTIC NERVES.

HOW IS SHE?

SHE?

YES--JULIE,
MY ALMOST GIRL.

OH, JULIE PERONI.

NO--PARODI.

WELL, I HATE TO
TELL YOU THIS,

BUDDY BOY,

BUT SHE'S
MISS FRIGIDAIRE.

WAIT A MINUTE.

YOU HAVEN'T
SEEN HER, THEN?

WHO NEEDS HER? WE GOT 3
NURSES IN FROM AUSTRALIA.

YOU THINK
KANGAROOS JUMP.

THESE KIDS ARE BREAKING
RECORDS EVERY NIGHT.

LISTEN, THAT JULIE, SHE'S
DEADWOOD, SOGGY OATMEAL.

AAH! AAH!

NURSE PERONI, DON'T YOU
KNOW NURSES ARE FORBIDDEN

IN OFFICERS' QUARTERS
AFTER 9 P.M.?

OH, TOM!

WELL...

WHY DON'T
YOU TWO ENJOY

YOUR CHINESE
NEW YEAR?

I'M GOING DOWN
TO THE CLUB.

TOM, PLEASE.

WHY...

ARE YOU BOTH SO NICE?

Julie: OH, I AM TERRIBLE--

A TERRIBLE GIRL.

YOU WENT AWAY, AND...

AND TANK NEEDED ME,

AND I...

NOW YOU'RE BACK,

AND I SEE
YOUR LITTLE BOY FACE...

AND AGAIN
FOR YOU I FEEL...

OH...

OH, I AM
SO MIXED UP.

AM I IN...IN LOVE
WITH 2 MEN?

OR IS THE SAME THING
HAPPENING AGAIN--

2 BLUE BLANKETS
AND 2 PUSSYCATS?

MOTHER GOOSE TO
WHISKEY ROMEO 4.

WHAT'S ON YOUR
TWISTED LITTLE MIND?

NICE TO HAVE YOU
BACK ON THE WING.

SORRY
ABOUT LAST NIGHT.

Tom: NO HOLDS BARRED,
BUDDY BOY.

I OWE YOU A LARGE ONE.

Tank: ALL RIGHT, SO
I GAVE YOU THE SHAFT.

IF IT WAS THE OTHER
WAY AROUND,

AND YOU HANDED IT TO ME,
WOULD I COMPLAIN?

I'D EXPECT IT.

REMEMBER THAT
WHEN IT HAPPENS.

HEY, MIGS AT 1:00.

[GUNFIRE]

WHISKEY ROMEO 4
TO MOTHER GOOSE.

WHERE ARE YOU?

WHISKEY ROMEO 4
TO MOTHER GOOSE.

TANK!

CAN YOU READ ME?
TANK, CAN YOU READ ME?

WHISKEY ROMEO 4
TO BLUE FLIGHT CONTROL.

MOTHER GOOSE
INTO THE DRINK

6 MILES EAST
OF POINT X-RAY.

I HATE TO SAY THIS,
BUT IF YOU HAVEN'T

HEARD ANYTHING
YET...

WE'LL STICK AROUND
A LITTLE WHILE YET.

WELL, GOOD NIGHT.

OH, GOOD NIGHT,
BARNEY.

GOOD NIGHT,
GILROY.

CAUGHT
40 WINKS THERE.

LIEUTENANT, WHY
DON'T YOU GO TO BED?

YOU HEARD
WHAT MILLICAN SAID.

IF WE HAVEN'T HEARD
ANYTHING BY NOW...

[TYPING]

Tom: S.S. DAKOTA.

"CAPTAIN T. MARTIN RESCUED--
PROCEEDING MANILA."

"REQUIRES MINIMUM
HOSPITAL--ONE MONTH"!

I KNEW THEY
COULDN'T GET HIM.

HE'S TOO MEAN
TO DIE.

I HAD
A FUNNY FEELING.

I DON'T KNOW
WHAT IT WAS.

YOU'RE BURNING
THE MESSAGE.

WE NEVER GOT
THE MESSAGE.

OH, YEAH. I S--

WE NEVER GOT
THE MESSAGE.

[ORGAN PLAYING HYMN]

OK, LET ME
HAVE THE ROSES.

LET HIM FLY,
GILROY.

TOM, YOU'RE GOING
TO SAY A FEW WORDS.

OH, YEAH.

YES, OF COURSE
I AM. CERTAINLY.

TANKER, THIS
IS GOING TO BE

SHORT AND SWEET,

JUST THE WAY
YOU'D LIKE IT.

YOU'RE GONE
FROM US NOW,

BUT WE KNOW
WHERE YOU ARE.

UM, YOU'RE UP THERE

WITH THE CELESTIAL
SQUADRON.

MAY YOU HAVE ANGELS
AT 12:00 HIGH

AND HEAVEN
AS YOUR COPILOT.

MAY YOUR SKIES
BE CLOUDLESS

AND YOUR JET
NEVER FLAME OUT.

YOU'RE FLYING WITH
THE BIG ONES NOW,

BUT IN MY BOOK,

YOU'RE THE BIGGEST
OF THEM ALL.

WELL, TANKER,

WHISKEY ROMEO 4...

TO MOTHER GOOSE.

OVER AND OUT.

GILROY,
LET THEM FLY.

SEEMS LIKE HE JUST
DON'T WANNA GO.

[MENDELSSOHN'S
WEDDING MARCH PLAYING]

MISS SIEVER.

YES, CAPTAIN?

I'D LIKE TO SEND
A TELEGRAM.

TO?

LIEUTENANT
THOMAS FERRIS,

KIMPO AIR BASE,
KOREA.

MESSAGE?

JUST 3 WORDS.

"CONGRATULATIONS,
RAT FINK"?

IT'S TANK! HE'S ALIVE!

HEY! HOW ABOUT THAT?

Parker: SO BY THE USE
OF THESE METHODS,

WE RAISED OUR
TACTICAL ADVANTAGE.

EXPERIENCED PILOTS BEGAN
TEACHING STUDENT PILOTS

AT NELLIS AIR FORCE BASE.

SO WE GOT
NEW PILOTS

WITH FIRSTHAND
KNOWLEDGE

OF AERIAL
COMBAT TACTICS.

I ONLY HOPE I'M NOT
TOO LATE TO STOP IT.

YOU AREN'T
TOO LATE TO STOP...

TOO LATE
TO STOP WHAT?

THAT BEDROOM COMMANDO
AND MY WIFE.

14 YEARS HE'S WAITED...

FERRIS. FERRIS!

ARE YOU OUT
OF YOUR MIND?

Tom: UH, YES.
NO. UH, UH,

SIR, I HAVE
A TERRIBLE HEADACHE,

A MIGRAINE.

WOULD YOU EXCUSE ME?

I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT.

I TELL YOU, SIR,
I THINK IT'S RIDICULOUS.

I TELL YOU,
TANK MARTIN

KNOWS WE BURNED
THAT TELETYPE.

WELL, HOW COULD HE?

DOES THE NAME
BARNEY MILLICAN

MEAN ANYTHING
TO YOU?

YEAH, BUT WHAT
HAS THAT GOT TO DO

WITH HIM KNOWING
ABOUT THE TELEGRAM?

IS TANK MARTIN
STATIONED AT EDWARDS?

RIGHT.

IS BARNEY MILLICAN

THE COMMUNICATION
OFFICER AT EDWARDS?

THAT'S RIGHT.

BACK IN KOREA,

WHO WAS IN CHARGE
OF THE TELETYPE?

BARNEY MILLICAN.

I REST MY CASE.

ALL RIGHT.
I'LL BUY THAT.

WHAT ABOUT TANK MARTIN?

IF TANK MARTIN
IS SO HOT ON REVENGE,

THEN HOW COME FIRST
HE'S GOING AROUND TOWN

DOING SOME CHORES?

CHORES?

YES.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT
KIND OF CHORES--

A MAGNUM
OF CHAMPAGNE,

A BOTTLE OF
APHRODISIAC PERFUME,

3 DOZEN ROSES.

NOTHING.

2 ALBUMS OF SEXY
AFRICAN DRUM MUSIC.

THAT'S SOMETHING.

UH.

DON'T TELL ME
ABOUT DORIAN GRAY.

I STUDIED UNDER HIM.
HERE--PULL OVER.

I GOT SOME CHORES OF
MY OWN I WANT TO DO.

YES, SIR.

ALL RIGHT.
KEEP THE CHANGE.

[RINGS DOORBELL]

AHEM.

[WOOF WOOF WOOF]

KEEP QUIET.

IS MRS. FERRIS
AT HOME?

TANK!

JULIE. HA HA!

OH, TANK!
HA HA HA!

HA HA HA HA!

[WOOF WOOF]

WHAT--WHAT
A MARVELOUS SURPRISE!

AND--AND LOOK AT ME.

WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL US?

WELL, I JUST GOT
MY ORDERS YESTERDAY.

OH, TANK, TANK,

YOU HAVEN'T
CHANGED A BIT.

YOU AND--
AND CARY GRANT.

IF HE ONLY HAD MY CHARM.
HOW'S THE BOYFRIEND?

OH, FINE. HE'LL
BE SO HAPPY TO SEE YOU.

HE'S LEAVING FOR
COPENHAGEN IN AN HOUR.

I'M JUST PACKING
FOR HIM.

COME UP WHILE I FINISH.

[DOGS BARK]

NOW,
YOU BE GOOD, EH?

STILL 2
OF EVERYTHING, HUH?

WHY NOT?

YOU WAIT HERE.

[GROWLING]

SHH! SHH!

[BARKING]

MM-HMM.

[DOG WHINING]

Tom: I SUPPOSE IT
ISN'T HAPPENING, GILROY.

IN MY OWN HOUSE,
IN MY OWN BEDROOM.

WHY DID THEY CLOSE THE DOOR?

TO KEEP THE DOGS OUT?
DON'T GIVE ME THAT.

IT'S THE OLDEST STORY
IN THE BOOK:

MAID'S DAY OFF,
HUSBAND AT THE OFFICE.

THEY PLANNED IT BEAUTIFULLY.

IF I HAD ANY GUTS,
I'D GET MY GUN,

AND I'D GO IN THERE,
I'D KILL THEM BOTH!

AND I TELL YOU
SOMETHING ELSE...

NO JURY WOULD CONVICT ME.

TOM!

DON'T TOM ME!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

PACKING!

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

YOU'RE GOING.

I AM? WHERE?

TO COPENHAGEN.

WHAT?

WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH YOUR HAND?

OH! HOW DID
THAT HAPPEN?

LOOK WHO IS HERE.

HOW ARE YOU DOING?

OK, YOU LOOK GREAT.

I SEE YOU'RE
A FULL BULL.

THEY TELL ME

YOU'RE KNOCKING
ON THE DOOR.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING
IN LONDON?

I'M ON A JUNKET
FOR THE BIG BRASS.

A FINE DAY
HE PICKED.

THE HOUSE A MESS.
MAID DAY OFF.

AND I LOOK LIKE...

OH, WHAT ARE YOU...

SHE LOOKS FINE,
DOESN'T SHE?

SHE COULD
DO NOTHING,

SHE'D BE
A MILE AHEAD.

OH, I LOVE YOU MADLY!

SAVOY HOTEL,
ROOM 717.

CUTE.
YEAH, THAT'S FUNNY.

TOM, YOUR PAJAMAS
AND BATHROBE.

I'LL GET YOUR
SHIRTS NOW.

♪ LA LA LA LA ♪

OH, HEY, DON'T FORGET
YOUR NOSE DROPS...

AND YOUR MUFFLER.

[HUMMING]

MMM...WHAT A GIRL.

YEAH.

WHAT'S THIS
COPENHAGEN BUSINESS?

THAT'S CLASSIFIED.

I GO EVERY COUPLE
OF WEEKS,

AND THEN A SIDE TRIP
TO REYKJAVIK.

THAT'S NORTH OF
THE 60th PARALLEL.

THEY DIDN'T GRAB YOU

FOR THAT ARCTIC
SURVIVAL COURSE?

NOT YET.
NOBODY CHECKED MY FILES.

I HEAR IT'S A BRUTE!

HOW IS IT WE HAVEN'T
CROSSED WIRES UP TILL NOW?

WELL, YOU AND JULIE
WAS ALL OVER THE MAP,

AND I WAS
SHAKING THE RIVETS

OUT OF THAT X-SERIES.

HOW ARE THINGS
UP AT EDWARDS?

TOLERABLE.

HOW'S BARNEY?

WHO?

YOU REMEMBER HIM.
BARNEY MILLICAN.

COMMUNICATIONS
IN KOREA.

OH, YEAH. TELETYPE,
SOMETHING LIKE THAT?

YEAH.
THAT'S THE GUY.

YEAH.
TERRIFIC LIAR.

YEAH?

YOU GUYS BUDDIES?

WHO?

YOU AND MILLICAN.

WHAT'S ALL THIS
MILLICAN JAZZ?

I'M HARDLY ON THE BASE.

I CIRCULATE AMONGST
THE SOFT PEOPLE--

LADIES--REMEMBER?

HOW'S THE ACTION?

RELENTLESS.

I GOT A LITTLE THING
FROM PARIS

FLYING IN TONIGHT.

DOES SHE LOVE
HER COUNTRY?

SHE'S THE GREATEST
LITTLE PATRIOT

SINCE JOAN OF ARC.

[HUMMING LA MARSEILLAISE]

YOU LOOK GREAT.

Gilroy: OH, COLONEL FERRIS!

EXCUSE ME.

WHAT IS IT, GILROY?
CAN'T YOU SEE I'M BUSY?

IT'S 4:00. YOU WANT TO
CANCEL COPENHAGEN?

CANCEL? WHY
WOULD I WANT TO DO

A STUPID THING
LIKE THAT?

GILROY, WOULD YOU
PLEASE PUT THESE

IN THE COLONEL'S BAG?

YES, MA'AM.

AND LATER,
DELIVER THESE.

DELIVER THESE?

DELIVER THEM?

AREN'T THEY FOR
THE GENERAL'S WIFE?

NO, MY DARLING. THEY'RE
FOR YOU, OF COURSE.

FOR ME?

MM-HMM.

ALL OF THESE?

MM-HMM. IF A FELLOW
CAN'T BE EXTRAVAGANT

WITH HIS GIRL
ONCE IN A WHILE...

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

HELLO?

OH, LILLIAN?

NO, NO, NO, NO,
I'M SORRY.

I'M NOT
GOING TONIGHT,

NOT WITHOUT TOM.

IS THAT THE PARTY
FOR THE PARKERS?

CAPTAIN PHILLIPS?

HE'S AWFULLY
SWEET, BUT...

BUT YOU'VE
GOT TO GO!

NOT WITH BUSY FINGERS
PHILLIPS!

EXCUSE ME, DARLING.

TANK, WOULD YOU GO?

WOULD YOU DRAG
AN OLD MARRIED LADY?

WHERE? WHO? TANK?

TOM, YOU DON'T
MIND, DO YOU?

OH, NO, NO,
I DON'T MIND.

IT'S JUST THAT--UNLESS
YOU DON'T WANT TO GO.

YOU SAID
I'VE GOT TO GO.

OH, I DID?

YEAH. I FORGOT.
OF COURSE.

DON'T YOU HAVE
SOME PLANS--

A FRENCH MOVIE
OR SOMETHING?

I DID.

IT SHOULD BE
A NICE PARTY.

COME ON, TANK. WE'LL
HAVE A GOOD TIME. HMM?

ALL RIGHT.
I'D LOVE TO.

OH, THANK YOU.

OH, LILLIAN,
I'M COMING AFTER ALL.

NO. I JUST RAN INTO
AN OLD FRIEND--

WITH A TRUCK.

GOOD-BYE, DARLING.

COLONEL,
THE PLANE.

YES. TANK,
I'LL DROP YOU.

TOM?

NOW WHAT?

YOU DIDN'T
FORGET SOMETHING?

OH, NO, NO.
I GOT IT RIGHT HERE.

LOOK UNDER "K."

UNDER "K"?

FOR A KISS
GOOD-BYE, DARLING.

YES. KISS GOOD-BYE.
OF COURSE.

THE HONEYMOON
JUST WON'T STOP.

WHY DON'T YOU
CALL DORIS PARKER

AND TAKE HER TO
THE MOVIES OR SHOPPING

OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT?

YOU'RE RIGHT.

GOOD-BYE.

YOU'RE SURE
YOU DON'T WANT

TO GIVE HER
THE ROSES?

OF COURSE NOT,
MY DARLING.

THEY'RE YOURS.

YOU CAN GIVE HER
A DOZEN IF YOU--

DO WHATEVER
YOU WISH.

HALF A DOZEN.

[DRUMS PLAYING]

♪ DANCE WITH DADDY, BABY ♪

♪ YOU ARE MY BABY ♪

♪ HEY, BABY, BABY ♪

♪ NO SHAKES,
NO SWINGS, NOT THAT ♪

♪ NOT WITH MY WIFE, YOU DON'T! ♪

♪ OH, WHOA ♪

♪ OH OH ♪

♪ IT NEVER SHOWS THAT ♪

HA HA HA HA!

HI!

AH! YEAH! HA HA!

♪ NOT ALL THOSE THINGS,
NOT THAT ♪

♪ NOT WITH MY WIFE, YOU DON'T! ♪

♪ NO, YOU DON'T ♪

♪ NO, YOU DON'T ♪

HO! HOO!

[APPLAUSE]

IF IT WASN'T
FOR THE MUSIC,

WE'D ALL GET ARRESTED.

LISTEN, JULIE...

THERE'S SOMETHING
I'VE BEEN MEANING

TO TELL YOU ALL NIGHT.

YOU ARE THE MOST
BEAUTIFUL ZEBRA

I HAVE EVER SEEN
IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

MY PRINCE CHARMING.

WELL, LET'S PUT IT
THIS WAY--

TOM IS A VERY LUCKY MAN.

I THINK HE
WON'T BE TOO HAPPY

ABOUT MY LEAVING
THE PARTY.

WHAT PARTY?
IT WAS A WAKE.

WHAT WILL GENERAL
PARKER THINK?

WHO CARES
WHAT HE THINKS?

YOU CAN'T SPEND
YOUR ENTIRE LIFE

POLISHING THE BRASS.

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

UH-HUH.

UH-HUH.

WHEN, UH...

WE FOUND OUT
YOU WERE ALIVE,

I WROTE THE HOSPITAL
IN MANILA.

YOU DIDN'T ANSWER.

DIDN'T SEEM TO BE
TOO MUCH POINT.

TOM TOOK IT
VERY HARD.

WHAT? THAT I WAS
DEAD OR ALIVE?

THAT NIGHT, HE PRAYED
YOU'D BE RESCUED.

HE SPENT ALL NIGHT

WITH GILROY
AT THE TELETYPE.

TELETYPE?

AND THEN, TOM AND I,
WE GOT MARRIED.

YEAH. JUST WHEN
I NEEDED YOU.

THERE I WAS,
FLAT ON MY BACK

IN THAT BUG-INFESTED
HOSPITAL.

NO COLOR TELEVISION,

NO PLUG FOR MY
ELECTRIC TOOTHBRUSH.

IT WAS HELL,
I'M TELLING YOU.

TANK, YOU NEVER
NEEDED ME.

YOU NEVER
NEEDED ANYONE--

EXCEPT
TANK MARTIN.

WE DO GET ALONG
PRETTY WELL.

I THINK
HE'S THE GREATEST,

AND HE THINKS
I'M THE GREATEST.

LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT.

NO. THAT WAS
SOMEONE ELSE.

TRY THIS FOR SIZE.

WHAT DO YOU CALL IT?

INSTANT MOTEL.

I BET YOU HAVE
VERY FEW VACANCIES.

I KEEP
A PRIVATE STOCK

FOR A--

A DISCRIMINATING
CLIENTELE.

JULIE...

WITH TOM AND ME,
IT'S ALWAYS BEEN

ANYTHING GOES,
YOU KNOW?

THIS IS
A LITTLE DIFFERENT.

LET'S NOT GET IN
OVER OUR HEADS, HMM?

WELL...

I HAVE TO
GET UP AT 5:00.

WHEN...

WHEN WILL
I SEE YOU AGAIN?

WELL, IT WON'T BE ANOTHER
14 YEARS, I PROMISE.

I, UH...

KNOW MY WAY TO THE DOOR.

GOOD NIGHT, TANK.

GOOD-BYE, TANK.

GREAT LITTLE COUPLE,
THE FERRISES.

REALLY CRAZY
ABOUT EACH OTHER.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

NEVER AN EYE
FOR ANYBODY ELSE.

STRAIGHT UP.

THEY'VE BEEN LIKE THAT
SINCE THEY WERE MARRIED.

WHY THE COMMERCIAL?

HUH?

YOU KNOW,
GILROY, I FORGOT.

I GOT REGARDS
FOR YOU.

FOR ME?

YEAH,
FROM OLD BARNEY.

BARNEY?

BARNEY MILLICAN.

BARNEY MILLICAN.

DO I KNOW HIM?

YOU REMEMBER,
GILROY.

TELETYPES,
KOREA?

OH, YEAH.
OH, YEAH.

BARNEY MILLICAN.
YES.

LITTLE GUY, THIN HAIR,
CROSS-EYED.

TALL GUY,
FAT HAIR, 20-20.

GILROY, MILLICAN
TOLD ME THE WHOLE STORY.

EVERYTHING?

EVERYTHING.

TELETYPE?

HOW WE...
BURNED IT, SIR.

THAT BIGMOUTH.

UH...UH...
NO HARD FEELINGS, SIR.

YOU KIDDIN'?
COLONEL FERRIS AND I

HAVE BEEN LAUGHING
ABOUT IT ALL DAY.

ISN'T HE
A GREAT LITTLE GUY?

GIVE YOU THE KNIFE

RIGHT OUT
OF YOUR BACK.

SIR, HE CERTAINLY WOULD.

HE...WOULD.

ALL WE CAN DO
IS USE THAT EXTENSION

TO PROTECT
ZONE TWO FROM ONE.

I CAN'T DECIDE THAT
UNTIL I TALK TO LONDON.

I'LL BE IN TOUCH.

THANK YOU, CAPTAIN.

LIEUTENANT.
GOOD-BYE.

SEE YOU NEXT TIME
IN COPENHAGEN.

GOOD-BYE.

LET'S SEE--

ONE GLASS DECANTER,

ONE SET OF STAINLESS
STEEL CUTLERY,

ONE DANISH CORKSCREW,

AND ONE DOZEN
MARINATED FISHBALLS.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

YES?

IS THAT
MY SMORGASBORD?

NO, SIR.
YOUR ORDERS.

I DIDN'T ORDER
ANY ORDERS.

YOU'VE BEEN ASSIGNED
TO ARCTIC SURVIVAL, LABRADOR.

THE LAST PLANE THIS MONTH
LEAVES IN 17 MINUTES.

17 MINUTES? I THINK
YOU'VE GOT THE WRONG MAN.

YOU'VE HIT IT LUCKY. WE
JUST GOT A WEATHER REPORT.

IT'S ONLY 27 BELOW.

THE WIND'S JUST
UNDER GALE FORCE,

AND THERE'S
NO FREEZING FOG.

YOU'VE GOT
THE WRONG MAN.

WE'VE GOT TO GO.

WAIT! LET ME GET
MY DANISH CORKSCREW!

THERE ARE LOTS
OF ESKIMOS THERE.

WHAT ABOUT MY
MARINATED FISHBALLS?

HAVE YOU TRIED
THEIR WHALE BLUBBER?

IT'S WONDERFUL.

WAIT A MINUTE!

HELLO, TANK?

TANK, IT'S ME, TOM.

WHERE ARE YOU?

I'M IN LABRADOR.

THEY'VE GOT ME
ON ARCTIC SURVIVAL.

TSK. NO KIDDING!

NO.

THE ORDER WAS SIGNED
BY GENERAL PARKER.

TALK TO HIM.
GET ME OUT OF THIS.

HOLD ON. DON'T
PUSH THE PANIC BUTTON.

THIS MUST MEAN YOUR PROMOTION'S
IN THE BAG

AND PARKER WANTS YOUR RECORD
CLEAN. THAT'S ALL.

YOU REALLY THINK SO?

WHAT ELSE COULD IT BE?

JULIE WAS COUNTING
ON THAT TRIP TO ROME

WITH THE BRASS.

SEE IF YOU CAN GET
HER INVITED ALONG.

BUDDY, THAT'S
A PRETTY TALL ORDER.

SEE WHAT YOU CAN DO
ABOUT JULIE GOING.

I'D CONSIDER IT
A BIG FAVOR.

WELL, I'LL DO MY BEST.

AFTER ALL, OLD BUDDY,
I REALLY DO OWE YOU ONE.

RIGHT, TANK.
SEE YOU LATER.

REALLY DO
OWE YOU ONE?

NAH!

[SONIC BOOM]

OH, IT'S MARVELOUS.

[DOGS BARKING]

Driver:
MUSH! MUSH! MUSH!

MUSH! MUSH!

MUSH.
THEY REALLY SAY IT.

HOW ARE YOU DOING,
COLONEL?

I'M FROZEN STIFF.

GOOD.
WE'LL BE THERE SOON.

MUSH!

[DRIVER]
WHOA!

WHOA, BABIES!
WHOA!

[HUMMING ROW, ROW,
ROW YOUR BOAT]

WELL...

THIS IS IT!

THIS IS WHAT?

HOME FOR
THE NEXT 2 WEEKS.

HERE YOU ARE, SIR.

WHAT'S THIS FOR?

SNOW BLOCKS
FOR AN IGLOO.

IGLOO?

THAT'S RIGHT, SIR.

IGLOOS ARE FOR ESKIMOS.
WE'RE PEOPLE.

HA HA HA HA!
THAT'S GOOD, SIR.

YOU LIKE THAT?

A SENSE OF HUMOR
IS VERY ESSENTIAL OUT HERE,

ESPECIALLY WHEN
THE GOING GETS TOUGH, SIR,

AND IT'S GOING
TO GET TOUGH, SIR.

YEAH. UH-HUH.
RIGHT. GOT IT.

[HUMMING]

[DOGS HOWL]

Man: BETTER COME
INSIDE, COLONEL.

GETS A BIT
NIPPY OUT THERE.

SORRY, FELLOWS.

I'M TAKING A ROOM
FOR THE NIGHT.

UH...UH.

YOU'LL LIKE IT
IN HERE, COLONEL.

IT'S GETTING NICE
AND TOASTY.

NICE AND TOASTY.

SERGEANT, HOW HOT
CAN YOU GET IT IN HERE?

WITH OUR BODY HEAT
AND THIS CANDLE,

WE CAN GET IT ALL
THEY WAY UP TO 10.

ABOVE?

BELOW.

SERGEANT, LET ME
ASK YOU A QUESTION.

DO YOU KNOW
IF TEARS FREEZE?

HA HA HA!

NOW, TAKE
THE PARACHUTE CLOTH

AND SPREAD IT
RIGHT OUT HERE

ON THE FLOOR.

NOW GET
THE SLEEPING BAG

AND PUT IT RIGHT
ON TOP OF IT.

RIGHT.
SLEEPING BAG ON TOP.

NOW, KEEP IT CLEAN,
DRY, AND FLUFFED UP

TO GIVE
MAXIMUM WARMTH.

FLUFFED UP
FOR MAXIMUM WARMTH.

THE ESSENTIAL
IS TO STAY DRY.

NOW, LET ME LOOK INTO
YOUR EYES, COLONEL.

UH...I BEG
YOUR PARDON, SERGEANT?

MM-HMM.

SERGEANT, HOW LONG
HAVE YOU BEEN HERE?

WHAT THE HELL'S
THE MATTER WITH YOU?

STAY AWAY FROM ME!
STAY AWAY FROM ME!

I'M CHECKING
FOR FROSTBITE, SIR.

THE FIRST DEADLY SYMPTOM

IS NUMBNESS
RATHER THAN PAIN.

WILL YOU LEAVE ME ALONE?

WHAT DO YOU FEEL?

OW! PAIN!

YOU'LL TELL ME WHEN
THERE'S NUMBNESS?

WHO TOLD YOU
ABOUT THE PAIN?

THAT'S TRUE, SIR.

[MUMBLING]

UH!

YOU ALL RIGHT, SIR?

YEAH. FINE.

HEY!

A-A TELEPHONE.

HELLO? COULD I
HAVE LONG DISTANCE?

NO. IT'S A RADIO TRANSMITTER
FOR EMERGENCIES.

I CAN'T
CALL MY WIFE?

SIR, WE'RE SUPPOSED TO
HAVE CRASHED OUT HERE.

NOW WE HAVE TO SURVIVE.

IT'S US AGAINST THEM.

THEM?

THE ELEMENTS.

YOU KNOW...

THE COLD, GANGRENE,
PNEUMONIA, AND TULAREMIA.

WHAT WAS
THE LAST ONE?

TULAREMIA.

YOU GET THAT FROM EATING
INFECTED ANIMALS.

WELL, MAYBE
YOU WOULD.

WE MAY DO IT
BY ACCIDENT, SIR.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT'S LOADED
WITH TOXIC VITAMIN A?

WHAT'S LOADED WITH
TOXIC VITAMIN A?

THE LIVER
OF THE BEARDED WALRUS.

YOU'RE KIDDING.

NO, SIR.

THERE GOES
THE COCKTAIL DIP.

SIR, AT FIRST,
IT'LL BE A BIT ROUGH,

BUT IN A WEEK OR SO,

YOU'LL FALL IN LOVE
WITH THE PLACE.

YOU'LL BE A WHIZ

AT DRESSING
INSIDE YOUR SLEEPING BAG,

SHAVING IN YOUR
LEFTOVER COFFEE.

YOU'LL FIND EVEN I'M
APT TO GROW ON YOU.

SERGEANT, LET'S NOT
ASK FOR MIRACLES.

RIGHT.

[HUMMING ROW,
ROW, ROW YOUR BOAT]

[ORCHESTRA PLAYING]

♪ ROW, ROW, ROW YOUR BOAT ♪

♪ GENTLY DOWN THE STREAM ♪

♪ MERRILY, MERRILY,
MERRILY, MERRILY ♪

COLONEL!

COLONEL,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

YOU'RE GOING TO GET WET.

GIVE ME YOUR HAND!

IF YOU WANT
TO GO AND PLAY,

DON'T FEEL YOU'RE
STUCK HERE WITH MAMMA.

NO, I'LL STAY
WITH MAMMA.

MAMMA MIA!

I BOUGHT THIS SUIT
FOR MY HUSBAND.

IT'LL NEVER FIT HIM.

DARLING?

AAH!

[LAUGHTER]

WASN'T THERE SOMETHING

ABOUT NOT GETTING IN
OVER OUR HEADS?

MAYBE THAT
WON'T BE SO EASY.

COME ON!

LAST ONE IN
IS A ROTTEN PIZZA.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

HI.

GOOD EVENING.

OH, YOU RUINED EVERYTHING.

YOU TOOK THE OIL OFF.

THANK YOU.

IT'S A LONG TIME

SINCE I'VE
BEEN INVITED

TO AN OFFICER'S
QUARTERS.

WELL, I...

I'M FRESH OUT
OF JAPANESE LANTERNS.

UM...

DID YOU HAVE
A NICE DAY?

MM-HMM. YOU?

LITTLE WORK...

LITTLE SHOPPING.

I COULDN'T GET
2 BLUE BLANKETS,

SO YOU'LL HAVE TO
BE SATISFIED

WITH 2 PUSSYCATS.

THAT WAS THE LAST TIME
I SAW YOU--

IN MY ROOM IN KOREA.

YOU DIDN'T KNOW
TOM WAS COMING BACK

FROM TOKYO, DID YOU?

I HAD OTHER PLANS
FOR THAT EVENING.

SO DID I.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

EXCUSE ME.

YEAH?

YEAH, JOHN.
YEAH, SURE, YES.

I'VE GOT TO TAKE CARE
OF IT RIGHT NOW.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT.
I APPRECIATE YOUR CALLING.

ALL RIGHT. BYE.

BLINKY WILLIAMS,

WHO WAS SUPPOSED TO FLY
A SLOT FOR ME TOMORROW,

GOT HIMSELF BUSTED UP
IN A CAR WRECK.

I'VE GOT TO GO PULL
ONE OF MY SOLO BOYS

AND BRIEF HIM
ON TOMORROW'S GIG.

THAT'S TERRIBLE.
I AM SO SORRY.

NO, NO, NO. I'M SORRY.

LOOK, I'LL TRY TO BE
A FEW HOURS AT MOST.

OH, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

I--I'LL GO SOMEPLACE--
A MOVIE.

JULIE, I REALLY AM
AWFULLY SORRY.

TANK...

THE WINE WILL KEEP.

I'M BE RIGHT BACK
AS SOON AS I CAN.

JOIN THE AIR FORCE
WIDOWS.

[MAN SPEAKING ITALIAN]

[WOMAN SPEAKING ITALIAN]

BELLA.

NON. NON, VITTORIO.
NON DEVI. NON DEVI.

TI ADORO.
TI ADORO.

OOH, ISN'T HE
WONDERFUL?

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

[SINGING IN ITALIAN]

[THROWS BOTTLE]

AH!

AHA!

[GUNSHOTS]

ARRIVEDERCI, MONDO.

[GUNSHOT]

JULIE.

OH, TOM.

JULIE.

STAND BY, SMOKE.

SMOKE ON. READY...

NOW.

AND ROLL.
READY? NOW.

HOW ABOUT IT, CHIEF?
ARE YOU STILL WITH US?

OH, YEAH. UH...

THE DIAMOND ROLL IS NEXT.
STAND BY TO SMOKE.

SMOKE ON. READY?

NOW.

WE NEVER PRACTICED
THAT ONE.

YOU OK, BOSS?

I'M SORRY, GANG.

I...I HIT
THE SPEED BRAKES.

LOOK, I, UH...I THINK
WE'VE HAD IT FOR TODAY.

LET'S JOIN UP AND LAND, HUH?

DELICIOUS. DELICIOUS.

WHAT KIND OF SOUP
DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?

PUREE OF BLUBBER.

SHE'S REALLY
A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, SIR.

THANK YOU.

YOU KNOW, DOGERTY,
THIS IS THE FIRST TIME

WE'VE BEEN SEPARATED
IN 14 YEARS.

GOT ANY KIDS, SIR?

I'D DO ANYTHING IF
I COULD HEAR HER VOICE.

I GOT 7--
ANOTHER ON THE WAY.

HAVE TO BUY
A BIGGER TRAILER.

WHY NOT? WE GOT A RADIO.

I'M GOING TO CALL HER.

NO, SIR, YOU CAN'T!

IT'S ONLY
FOR EMERGENCIES.

THIS IS
AN EMERGENCY.

YOU CAN'T!

DON'T MAKE ME
PULL RANK ON YOU.

NOW, SIT DOWN!

HI.

TANK.

THAT'S WHAT I AM.
HIGH.

OH, TANK.

I WAS FLYING
FORMATION.

YOU KNOW WHAT I
WAS THINKING ABOUT?

I WAS THINKING
ABOUT THIS...

AND I PUNCHED
THE WRONG BUTTON.

ALMOST KILLED MYSELF.
HA HA HA!

AND TOOK 3 KIDS
WITH ME.

ANYONE CAN
MAKE A MISTAKE.

YEAH.

YEAH.

BUT...NOT AT 600
MILES AN HOUR.

JULIE...

YOU THINK I'M
OVER THE HILL?

YOU ARE JUST
DISTRACTED.

NO GOOD.

YOU GOT TO THINK
2 MILES AHEAD

OF THE AIRPLANE.

OTHERWISE,
YOU'VE HAD IT.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

[RING]

YES?

WHAT?

LABRADOR?
OH, IT'S TOM!

YES. YES--

OH, STAY. STAY.

YES, THIS IS
MRS. FERRIS.

HELLO? HELLO?

HELLO?

[RADIO INTERFERENCE]

JULIE, ARE YOU THERE?

YES. YES, TOM. I CAN'T
HEAR YOU VERY WELL.

[SHOUTING] JULIE,
I MISS YOU TERRIBLY!

I MISS YOU VERY MUCH!

OH, TOM,
I CAN'T HEAR YOU.

WAIT. WAIT.
I THINK IT'S CLEARING.

YES, TOM.
I CAN HEAR YOU NOW.

GOOD. HOW'S ROME?

OH, IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

HOW'S TANK?

HE...HE IS FINE.

TOM...TOM, WHEN
WILL YOU BE BACK?

IN ABOUT A WEEK OR SO.
HOW ARE THE PARKERS?

HAVE YOU BEEN SEEING
MUCH OF DORIS?

YEAH. WE WENT TO
THE MOVIES LAST NIGHT.

OH, GOOD. GOOD THINKING.
VERY GOOD.

OH, THAT REMINDS ME--
IN YOUR HOTEL,

THERE'S A LITTLE GIFT SHOP
NAMED LUIGI'S.

CAN YOU HEAR ME?

YES, TOM,
I CAN HEAR YOU.

THEY DO WONDERFUL
HAND-PAINTED SCARVES.

WHY DON'T YOU
GET DORIS A COUPLE?

TOM...TOM, I DON'T WANT
TO HEAR ABOUT DORIS.

I WANT TO HEAR
THAT YOU MISS ME!

BE SURE YOU MENTION
MY NAME TO LUIGI.

HE GIVES ME
A GOOD DISCOUNT.

YOU CALLED
3,000 MILES

TO TALK ABOUT
DISCOUNTS?

DID YOU HEAR
WHAT I SAID?

EVERY WORD.

GET YOURSELF SOMETHING,
TOO, IF YOU WANT.

YES, TOM. THERE IS
SOMETHING I WANT.

WHAT IS IT?

A DIVORCE.

FINE, FINE.

GO AHEAD AND GET YOURSELF
A NICE...DIVORCE?

MAYBE YOU KNOW A LAWYER
FOR A GOOD DISCOUNT.

DIVORCE?

TANK.

DOGERTY, WE'RE LEAVING!

THEY CAN BREAK YOU
FOR THIS.

LET THEM BREAK ME.
EVERYBODY UP.

LET ME HANDLE THE SLED.

I'LL TAKE THE SLED.
CLIMB IN.

EVERYBODY UP
ON THEIR PAWS. UP!

COLONEL,
BETTER SLEEP ON IT.

THINGS MAY LOOK BETTER
IN THE MORNING.

LOOK...
TOMORROW MORNING,

WITH ANY LUCK
AND 2 PLANE CONNECTIONS,

I'LL HAVE MY HANDS
ON THE RAT

WHO STOLE MY WIFE!

ALL RIGHT, BOYS.
EVERYBODY UP!

[CRACK]

ON, BLITZEN.

JULIUS, UP!

[BARKING]

MUSH!

WAIT...WAIT A MINUTE!

WAIT A MINUTE!

COLONEL,
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

COME BACK HERE!

COME BACK HERE!
WILL YOU COME BACK HERE?

DO YOU KNOW
YOU'RE RATHER ADORABLE?

HA HA! I AM A WOMAN.

WAS THERE EVER
ANY DOUBT?

ONE NEEDS TO BE REMINDED.

OH, YEAH--WHAT DID
OLD TOM HAVE TO SAY?

TOM? TOM WHO?

OH?

DID HE WANT TO KNOW
DID I MISS HIM?

DID HE WANT TO KNOW
DID I LOVE HIM?

DID HE SAY
ONE SWEET SOMETHING

ABOUT--ABOUT ANYTHING?

OH, NO. NO.

WELL, I TOLD HIM
WHAT HE COULD DO

WITH HIS SCARVES
AND HIS DISCOUNTS,

AND I TOLD HIM A FEW
OTHER THINGS, TOO.

[PLAYING PIANO]

LIKE WHAT?

LIKE I WANT
A DIVORCE.

[PLAYS SOUR NOTES]

UH, JULIE...

I WANT TO BE
A WOMAN.

HE WANTS TO BE
A COLONEL.

I'D HATE TO THINK
THAT I WAS...

OH, TANK, YOU MUST NOT
FEEL RESPONSIBLE.

THERE'S NO OBLIGATION.

YOU MUST NOT EVEN
THINK ABOUT MARRIAGE.

MARRIAGE.

I'LL NEVER MARRY AGAIN.

GOOD.

I MEAN, THAT'S NATURAL.

WHAT AM I SAYING?
MARRY?

HA HA HA!

OF COURSE I'LL MARRY.

AND SO WILL YOU.

MMM.

WHAT IS LIFE
WITHOUT MARRIAGE?

WELL, IT'S, UH...

THE HARD THING IS
TO MAKE MARRIAGE WORK,

TO BE...SENSIBLE,
LIKE WE ARE.

WE CERTAINLY ARE.

FIRST...THERE HAVE
GOT TO BE BABIES...

AND BABIES
AND BABIES AND BABIES.

YOU MEAN
CHILDREN-TYPE BABIES?

THEY GIVE MEANING
TO LIFE.

YOU'LL SEE, TANK.

OH, YEAH. SURE.

WE'LL HAVE A LITTLE
HOUSE WITH A GARDEN,

AND WE'LL GROW...

TOMATOES, BEANS,
SPINACH...

EGGPLANT, RHUBARB,
SUCCOTASH.

AND YOU WON'T FLY
ANYMORE.

NO, OF COURSE NOT. NO.

YOU'LL HAVE A NICE JOB
AT A DESK.

YOU'LL COME HOME
AT 6:00,

KISS THE BABIES,
WALK THE DOGS,

CUT THE GRASS...

AND AFTER DINNER,
WE'LL DO THE DISHES.

JULIE...

YES?

THERE'S SOMETHING
I WANTED TO ASK YOU.

I MEAN, THERE'S A QUESTION
ON MY MIND.

YES, TANK?

UH...WELL, I FOUND OUT
SOMETHING FROM GILROY.

GILROY?

YEAH.
YOU KNOW GILROY.

THAT NIGHT I WAS
SHOT DOWN IN KOREA,

TOM BURNED THE TELETYPE.
HE KNEW I WAS ALIVE.

HE WAS BUYING TIME
TO WIN YOU BACK.

THAT'S HOW MUCH
HE LOVES YOU.

THAT'S--

THAT'S THE MOST
DISGUSTING THING

I HAVE HEARD
IN ALL MY LIFE.

YOU MUSTN'T JUDGE
OLD TOM--

CHEAP...SICK...
LOW...VICIOUS!

NOW, DON'T BLAME TOM.

TOM? I'M TALKING
ABOUT YOU!

ME?

TOM DID
A TERRIBLE THING,

BUT HE DID IT
TO MARRY ME.

YOU...DO YOU
WANT TO MARRY ME

OR JUST
CRAWL INTO MY BED?

JULIE!

DON'T "JULIE" ME!

MRS. FERRIS!

OPEN THAT DOOR,
OR I'LL SCREAM IT DOWN.

MARTIN.

UH, GOOD EVENING,
GENERAL, SIR.

EVENING, HELL.
IT'S 3:00 IN THE MORNING.

I'M CHANGING SUITES.

MINE'S SO DAMNED NOISY
I CAN'T HEAR MYSELF THINK.

YOU GOT QUIET
OVER HERE?

YES, SIR.
VERY QUIET.

I'M SORRY I LET YOU
TALK ME INTO

SHIPPING TOM FERRIS
OFF TO LABRADOR.

THAT MAN'S A GENIUS
WITH HOTEL ROOMS.

WELL, I'LL TRY
AND GET SOME SLEEP.

GOOD NIGHT,
GENERAL, SIR.

YOU SENT TOM
TO LABRADOR.

[SHOUTING IN ITALIAN]

AAH!

NOW WHAT?

IT'S IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME

TO LEAVE YOUR ROOM
AT 3 A.M.

YOU TAKE
THE BEDROOM.

I'LL THINK OF
SOMETHING TOMORROW.

YOU BETTER!

YOU...YOU...

YOU...INSTANT MOTEL!

[SLAM]

AL, THANKS A LOT.

GILROY!

HEY!
HOW ARE YOU?

WHAT FLIGHT
HAVE YOU GOT ME ON?

THE ONLY ONE I
COULD GET IS 12:00.

I'VE GOT TO GET OUT
SOONER THAN THAT.

THE ONLY FLIGHT
TO ROME IS 12:20--

[SPEAKING LOUDLY IN ARABIC]

THERE IS A FLIGHT
AT 6:00,

BUT YOU
WEREN'T HERE.

WAIT A MINUTE.

SIR, WILL YOU LISTEN?
YOU CAN'T DO THIS!

SILENCE, EFFENDI!
ALLAH

IN HIS INFINITE WISDOM
WILL PROTECT US.

THEY'LL BUILD A JAIL
AROUND US!

FAITH. I TOLD YOU
HE'S LOOKING AFTER US.

SIR, NO OFFENSE,

BUT YOU HAVE A TENDENCY
TO ACT LIKE A NUT CASE

YOU GOT THE CIGARS?

YEAH.

[SPEAKING MOCK ARABIC]

PLEASE, IF YOU'LL
EXCUSE MY PARDON,

REMOVE THE BLOCKS.

HIS EXCELLENCY LEAVES
AS IMMEDIATELY AS NOW.

WHERE'S
YOUR PILOT, GUV?

[SPEAKING MOCK ARABIC]

HIS EXCELLENCY
BE THE PILOT.

HIS EXCELLENCY
FLIES THIS JET?

AS ALLAH--

PRAISE TO HIM IN HIS
INFINITE WISDOM--HAS SAID,

"MAN'S ACHIEVEMENTS
ARE BUT A GRAIN OF SAND

"IN THE DESERT OF LIFE,

BUT ONLY GOD
CAN MAKE A TREE."

ALLAH BE PRAISED.

DO NOT OFFEND THE EFFENDI.
TIME IS OF THE UTMOST.

[SPEAKING MOCK ARABIC]

SPLIT.

HEY. HERE!

THAT'S A YANK
UNIFORM!

ONE WORD OF THIS AND--

HIS EXCELLENCY
TRAVELS IN DISGUISE.

HE RETURNS
TO HIS NATIVE LAND,

WHERE HIS TREACHEROUS
BROTHER EL HAZZAH

HAS SEIZED CONTROL
OF THE ARMY,

72 OF HIS 300 WIVES,

AND HIS '64
CONVERTIBLE CADILLAC

WITH WHITE SIDEWALLS!

COR BLIMEY!

MOVE THE BLOCKS,
BLOCKHEAD.

LET'S GET THE SHAH
ON THE ROAD.

[SPEAKING MOCK ARABIC]

YOU GOT--IT'S MOVING NOW.
YOU KNOW THAT.

KEEP IT--WOULD YOU--

KEEP IT IN THE--

KEEP IT IN THE MIDDLE
OF THE ROAD.

TAKE IT UP
A LITTLE HIGHER.

WE'RE FLYING
UNDER THE RADAR

WITH STRICT RADIO
SILENCE TO ROME.

OH. ALL THE WAY
TO ROME?

COLONEL, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO
FLY DOWN THE THAMES?

NOT THIS HIGH.

WE'RE GOING DOWN
ON THE DECK.

ON THE DECK?

OH! COLONEL,
YOU CAN'T DO THIS.

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS?
THAT'S PARLIAMENT.

THAT'S BIG BEN.

SEE WHAT TIME IT IS.

IT'S 2 MINUTES SLOW.

COLONEL, YOU'RE
GONNA HIT THE TANKER!

THE TANKER!

TANK! WHY,
THAT FILTHY, DIRTY--

WHEN I SEE HIM,

I'LL BREAK EVERY
BONE IN HIS BODY!

THERE'S A KIND
OF A BRIDGE UP AHEAD.

YOU'RE NOT
GOING THROUGH IT?

YOU'RE NOT GOING
THROUGH IT?

YOU'RE GOING
THROUGH IT.

DID YOU SEE WHAT--OHH.

GET ME A FIX
ON CALAIS.

I COULD USE A FIX.

THE SEINE,
ARC DE TRIOMPHE,

AND THE EIFFEL TOWER.

YOU JUST DRIVE.
I'LL SELL THE POST CARDS.

HOW HIGH IS IT?

YOU'RE SAFE.
DO YOU SAW--DO YOU SEE--

WELL, WHAT
DO YOU THINK?

I'LL TAKE A WILD STAB.
WE'RE LOST.

COME ON, GILROY.
WHERE ARE WE?

EITHER 70 MILES
NORTH OF GENEVA

OR ON THE OUTSKIRTS
OF CINCINNATI, OHIO.

UH, C-C-COLONEL,

DON'T PLAY CHICKEN
WITH THE ALPS.

THAT'S REAL SNOW.
THAT'S REAL ICE.

THAT'S A LOT
OF HARD MOUNTAIN.

DON'T...

BRING IT UP. UP!

DON'T. DON'T!
WILL YOU PLEASE--

IF I EVER GET OUT
OF THIS THING ALIVE,

I'M GONNA GO TO CHURCH
EVERY SUNDAY.

I'LL GO TO SYNAGOGUE
EVERY SATURDAY.

I'LL GO ANYPLACE
THEY'LL TAKE ME.

THIS MUST BE THE VAR
VALLEY OUTSIDE OF NICE.

MAKE A 90 DEGREES SOUTH,

AND YOU'RE 1/2 HOUR
FROM ROME.

OHO, BUDDY-BOY,

COLONEL FERRIS,
SIR, TOM.

CONGRATULATIONS.
OH, WE GOT--OH!

WATCH THE--
MOVE THE--

CHAMPINO TOWER.
CHAMPINO TOWER.

HS 125 LANDING,
RUNWAY 15 RIGHT.

SIR...

[TIRES SCREECH]

[SIREN]

STOP WHERE YOU ARE.

YOU'RE BOTH
UNDER ARREST.

WHAT'S THE CHARGE?

YOU STOLE A PRIVATELY
OWNED AIRPLANE.

YOU VIOLATED
INTERNATIONAL AIR SPACE--

COLONEL T.S. FERRIS,
SPECIAL OFFICER 6079438.

TOP PRIORITY! SIR, I'LL
HAVE TO COMMANDEER THAT CAR.

JUST A MINUTE.
TOP PRIORITY?

TOP PRIORITY!

WELL, WHAT'S
IN THAT PACKAGE?

CLASSIFIED. M-2609.

IF I DON'T LEAVE NOW,
SOME HEADS WILL ROLL.

GILROY,
EXPLAIN TO THE MAN!

SOME HEADS WILL ROLL!

NOW, JUST A MINUTE!

YOU HEARD WHAT
THE COLONEL SAID.

SOME HEADS
WILL ROLL.

[SIREN]

ALL RIGHT.

WHAT'S
IN THAT PACKAGE?

CIGARS, SIR.

CIGARS?

YES, SIR.

YOU STOLE
A MILLION-DOLLAR AIRPLANE,

VIOLATED INTERNATIONAL
AIR SPACE,

AND ENDANGERED THIS FIELD
WITH THE CRUMMIEST LANDING

ANYBODY'S MADE
IN 25 YEARS

TO DELIVER
A BOX OF CIGARS?

YES, SIR.

AND JUST WHO'S GOING TO
SMOKE THEM?

THREE-STAR
LIEUTENANT GENERAL

MAYNARD C. PARKER.

I HOPE YOU ENJOY YOUR STAY
IN ROME, SERGEANT.

THANK YOU, SIR.

[DOORKNOB RATTLING]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

HUH?

[KNOCKING]

[GROAN]

[POUNDING]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

ALL RIGHT...

WHERE IS SHE?

SHH. PARKER'S NEXT DOOR.

SHE'S NOT IN HER ROOM.
WHERE IS SHE?

BEFORE YOU JUMP
TO CONCLUSIONS--

I'M NOT JUMPING
TO ANY...

TOM! WHAT
ARE YOU DOING?

I'D ASK THE SAME QUESTION
IF IT WASN'T SO OBVIOUS.

WHAT'S
SO OBVIOUS?

YOU CRAWLING
OUT OF HIS BED!

I WOULDN'T BE FOUND DEAD
IN HIS BED!

[POUNDING]

PLEASE
LOWER YOUR VOICE.

42 BELOW ZERO, I'M BEATING
MY SHORTS WITH A STICK

WHILE YOU'RE
DOWN HERE CUDDLING UP

WITH THIS
AGING WIFE-POACHER.

TAKE IT EASY,
THERE, BUDDY-BOY.

WILL YOU--LOOK WHAT
YOU MADE ME DO.

OH, YES,
THE PRECIOUS
CIGARS.

IS THAT ALL?

NO SEAL COAT
FOR DORIS PARKER?

DON'T TELL ME YOU
CAME BACK EMPTY-HANDED.

AS A MATTER OF FACT,
I DIDN'T.

I BROUGHT YOU
A CORKSCREW--

A DANISH CORKSCREW.

SORRY I COULDN'T
GET IT TO YOU LAST NIGHT.

Tank: NOW WILL YOU
LISTEN TO ME?

PARKER MOVED IN
LAST NIGHT.

JULIE COULDN'T GET OUT,

SO SHE SPENT THE NIGHT
IN THE BEDROOM ALONE.

Tom: YOU OUGHTA
WRITE SCIENCE FICTION.

I TELL YOU, NOTHING
HAPPENED HERE LAST NIGHT.

NO, HUH? NO.

WELL, SOMETHING HAPPENED
HERE THIS MORNING.

OH! TOM!

NOW, YOU SEE,
CEMENTHEAD?

PARKER'S NEXT DOOR.

[GASP]

COME ON, JULIE.
WE'RE GOING.

OW!

ALL RIGHT.
YOU ASKED FOR IT.

UGH!

NOW DO YOU
UNDERSTAND?

SHH. PARKER'S
NEXT DOOR.

GOT IT.
PARKER NEXT DOOR.

GOOD.

UGH!

[BELLS CLANGING]

[POUNDING]

SHH.

OH, DID YOU HURT
YOURSELF?

[BELLS CLANGING]

[GASP]

Julie: OH!

OH, TOM!
OH, TOM.

ALL RIGHT.
SHH, JUST QUIET.

OH, MY GOODNESS
SAKE.

GRACIOUS, THERE.

OH, DO YOU FEEL
ALL RIGHT?

I FEEL FINE.

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

HAVE A NICE TRIP.

[CRASH]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

UGH!

BOYS. BOYS.

SHH.

BOYS,
THE GENERAL.

SHH.

[CRASH]

[ROCK MUSIC BLARING]

WELL, DO SOMETHING!

TURN THAT THING
OFF!

OH! UH!
I DON'T WANT IT.

DON'T THROW IT
TO ME! AGH!

[CRASH]

AAH!

WHY, YOU DIRTY--

NOW STOP, OR I CRUSH
THESE CIGARS.

OH, NO, NO,
NOT THE CIGARS.

PUT YOUR BOTTLE
ON THE TABLE.

IF HE PUTS THE GIRL
ON THE TABLE.

IF HE PUTS THE CIGARS
ON THE TABLE.

ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT.

THERE.

[LAUGHING]

NOW SHAKE HANDS.

OH! UH...

HAVE A CIGAR,
GENERAL.

FERRIS?

YES, SIR?

THAT YOU MAKING ALL
THAT RACKET IN THERE?

AS A MATTER OF FACT,
I WAS, SIR. I WAS

UNCRATING ALL THE THINGS
I BROUGHT BACK.

I BROUGHT BACK SOME
VERY FINE PORCELAIN

FOR MRS. PARKER'S
COLLECTION.

OH! OH!

AND I BROUGHT YOU
BACK, SIR,

A FINE BOX
OF PANETELLAS.

OH, WELL,
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

I WANT A BILL
FOR ALL THIS.

SIR, YOU'LL GET
A BILL. EXCUSE ME.

INCREDIBLE. JUST BACK
FROM LABRADOR,

AND YOU HAD TIME
TO LOOK THIS UP.

WE TRY TO DO
OUR BEST, SIR.

I DON'T KNOW
WHAT TO SAY.

I APPRECIATE IT.

DORIS!

YES? OH, DORIS.

WHERE DID SHE GO?

SHE CAUGHT
YOUR ACT OUT THERE

UP TO THE PANETELLAS,

SAID SOMETHING
IN ITALIAN, AND LEFT.

WHAT ARE YOU STANDING
THERE FOR? GO AFTER HER.

TELL HER YOU NEED HER.
TELL HER YOU LOVE HER.

TELL HER YOU'LL EVEN
PAY ATTENTION TO HER

FROM TIME TO TIME.

IF YOU DON'T,

YOU'LL NEVER SEE
EACH OTHER AGAIN,

EXCEPT IN SOME
GRUBBY COURTROOM

FIGHTING OVER WHO GETS
CUSTODY OF THE DOGS.

YOU GOT THE GALL
TO GIVE ME ADVICE?

WHY, YOU--

TAKE IT EASY--

SAVE IT. WHAT HAPPENED
LAST NIGHT

IS BETWEEN
JULIE AND ME.

WHAT'S REALLY
DISGUSTING IS YOU--

THE GUY I USED TO
LOOK UP TO--

MY BUDDY,
WHO, 14 YEARS LATER,

HAS GOT TO SNEAK
INTO MY BED TO GET EVEN.

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE?
YOU'RE PATHETIC.

YOU GOT TO KNOCK OFF
EVERY FEMALE IN SIGHT

JUST TO PROVE
YOU'RE NOT OVER THE HILL.

I THINK
THAT'S YOURS.

YOU REALLY WANT TO CHANGE
YOUR ASSIGNMENT, MARTIN?

THAT'S RIGHT, SIR.

WELL, WHY?

BECAUSE OF THAT BUSINESS
UP IN THE AIR YESTERDAY?

YES, SIR. I SORT
OF GOT THE MESSAGE.

YOU NEED KIDS
UP THERE, GENERAL,

PUSHING THE BUTTONS
ON THEM EXPENSIVE TOYS.

WELL...

ALL RIGHT, MARTIN.

ALL RIGHT.

HAVE A CIGAR.

THANKS, SIR.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

YEAH?

SIR, I WISH TO MAKE
A REPORT.

WHAT KIND OF REPORT?

I WISH TO STATE I'M A.W.O.L.
FROM ARCTIC SURVIVAL.

FURTHER, I STOLE
A PRIVATE AIRCRAFT.

FURTHER, I FLEW IT
FROM LONDON TO ROME, SIR,

AT SUICIDAL ALTITUDES,

ENDANGERING
NOT ONLY MY LIFE

BUT THAT OF MY TRUSTED,

LOYAL, AND STUPID FRIEND
SERGEANT GILROY...

UH, WITH YOUR
PERMISSION, SIR.

FERRIS, WHAT THE HELL
ARE YOU DOING?

I'M MAKING
A BIG DECISION, SIR.

DO I WANT TO KEEP
SCRAMBLING FOR SCARVES,

CIGARS,
AND MARINATED FISHBALLS,

OR DO I MAKE
A DANISH CORKSCREW HAPPY?

I'VE BEEN HAVING AN AFFAIR
WITH A LITTLE BLACK BOOK!

IT'S ABOUT TIME
I HAD ONE WITH MY WIFE!

MARTIN, WHAT
IS HE TALKING ABOUT?

IT'S LABRADOR, SIR.

HE'S JUST
A LITTLE FLIPPED.

LABRADOR? IT WAS
YOUR DAMN-FOOL IDEA

SENDING HIM OFF THERE
IN THE FIRST PLACE!

WHAT? SIR,
I WANT TO KILL HIM.

FERRIS...

OH.

OH, MRS. FERRIS.

OH, HELLO. I'VE COME
TO PICK UP MY HUSBAND.

THEY'RE ABOUT TO HAND
OUT THE CITATIONS.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO WATCH?

OH, YES, THANK YOU.

Tom:
CONGRATULATIONS.

ALL
THE VERY BEST.

COLONEL,
MY BEST TO YOU.

THANK YOU,
GENERAL.

COLONEL...

MIGHTY FINE MISSION.

THANK YOU,
GENERAL.

GENERAL,
NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

NICE TO HAVE YOU
BACK, MARTIN.

HOPE WE SEE
MORE OF YOU.

THANK YOU
VERY MUCH, SIR.

WOULD YOU HOLD IT
THERE, COLONEL?

COLONEL FERRIS,
I WANT TO THANK YOU VERY MUCH

FOR A GOOD REHEARSAL.

MY PLEASURE.

THE GENERAL WON'T BE
WEARING ANY MAKE-UP

AND HE WON'T GIVE
YOU AN OPPORTUNITY

FOR A REHEARSAL.

EXCUSE ME.
THE GENERAL'S HERE.

HELLO, FERRIS.

I HOPE THERE'S NO TROUBLE
ABOUT THOSE TICKETS.

I DON'T WANT TO MISS
THAT YANKEE GAME.

I GOT YOU A BOX
OVER THE DUGOUT,

A HAMPER
OF SANDWICHES, SIR,

AND SOME COLD
DANISH BEER.

WHAT KIND?

DANISH BEER, SIR.
EXCUSE ME. MARK!

SIR, I GOT
THE YANKEES

TO AUTOGRAPH THIS BALL
FOR YOUR GRANDSON.

OH, WELL, THAT'S DAMN
NICE OF YOU, FERRIS.

I APPRECIATE THAT.
LOOK AT THAT!

OH, TANK,
WE'RE SO HAPPY FOR YOU.

IF YOU'RE NOT CAREFUL,

YOU'LL END UP
CHIEF OF STAFF.

SOMEBODY'S GOT TO DO
THE DIRTY WORK.

CONGRATULATIONS
AGAIN. GREAT.

SAY, I JUST REMEMBERED.

I FOUND THIS IN MY DESK
THE OTHER DAY--

FOR THE LADY WHO NEEDS
2 OF EVERYTHING.

I COULD NEVER FIND
THOSE 2 BLUE BLANKETS.

I'VE TAKEN CARE
OF THAT.

GILROY. GILROY?
HERE THEY ARE.

[CRYING]

NO, NO, NO,
NO, NO, NO.

WELL, BUSY HANDS
ARE HAPPY HANDS.

COME ON, SON.
WE'RE GOING HOME.

CIAO, TANK. CIAO.

BE WITH YOU
IN A MINUTE, HONEY.

BUT, TANKIE,
LEVEL WITH ME.

ARE YOU REALLY
A GENERAL?

A SECRET AGENT.

♪ HEY, LOOK AT ME,
WOW, MAMMA, I'M DANCING ♪

♪ AND I MIGHT SOMERSAULT
RIGHT OVER THE WALL ♪

♪ THIS ISN'T A GIRL ♪

♪ BUT A WHOLE WORLD
I'M ROMANCING ♪

♪ AND WE'RE HAVING US
ONE FABULOUS, FANTABULOUS ♪

♪ BEAUTIFUL BALL ♪