Not for Publication (1984) - full transcript

Don't you think a tiger's

tail is her own business, Mr. katz?

When they sign up with me,

their tails become my business.

Give up, cy I we're gonna

get ya sooner or later!

These girls are serious!

Screw you, Maureen! That's Maureen.

She's sore because I told her...

She had to put out for my

investors or turn in her tiger tail.

They're lousy dancers.

You ever see one of my shows?

You may have seen your last one!

Isn't it true your tiger tail revues...

The hottest ticket on Broadway.

Are just a front for

organized prostitution?

What my girls do after

the show is their business.

I hear you take 50%.

Fair's fair.

Hey, cy! Did you tell them

about your little problem?

Hey, Maureen! Your legs stink!

I got great legs,

cy! Guys would kill for legs like these!

I'm putting in for combat pay

for this interview.

Hold it there.

She got me. You all right?

You're really nuts.

You know that, Maureen?

Come on, ladies.

Let's mash ol' cy's potatoes.

It's curtains for you, cy.

- We better get out of here.

- Would you mind giving me a lift to the theater?

Aaah!

Oh, cy, I always

love you. Always.

You are shit, cy,

but you were a great kisser.

Odo! Get us out of here fast!

Okay, flash! You want out,

you got it.

Damn it!

Jim, do we have to amputate?

Jim, do you want to go to the hospital?

No! I'm all right.

Let's just go back to the office and tell that

fat smut peddler to get himself another team.

Ow! Don't use that.

It's got developer on it.

Wait till you see, boss.

It's dynamite.

As good as

the frog baby murders?

Cy katz was knocked off by his own

tigresses. "Sex king killed by cuties."

- Was he doin' it when they got him?

- No, he wasn't doing it.

Cy katz was one of the last of

the old-time showmen. And pimps.

With his death, a whole era of

exploitation of American women...

For Christ's sake, Lois. This is the

New York informer, not Ms. magazine.

This paper used to be

famous for its social...

Yeah, when your father was

alive, but he's dead, Lois.

Sex, scandal and sin.

I think I'm gonna be sick. Bring

me something like the frog babies.

Now that story had everything... incest,

murder and a happy ending.

The mother gave birth to these

deformed triplets, see...

Looked something like frogs...

Frog babies.

Boss, we've heard this before.

The father finds out it's cause...

She had incest with her 12-year-old,

mentally retarded son.

He hacks her and the boy with an ax

and blows his brains out with a shotgun.

The frog babies were left to

inherit his brewery. Rich for life.

Lucky little bastards!

I'd change places with 'em.

- I think they died.

- My arm hurts. I'd like to get the hell out of here.

Why don't you pay me my

money? Let's see the pictures.

Take a good look. They're

the last you're gonna get.

Jim, what do you mean? I mean,

I'm quitting. Right now.

What's the matter?

You want more money?

You kidding? If I was working here for

money, I wouldn't be working here.

The pictures are great. 1

think Jim oughta get a bonus.

A bonus! That's rich.

Jim, wait.

I'm sorry. This creep show is gonna get

along without me. You can mail me the money.

It's not always

gonna be like this.

I'm gonna turn this crummy rag

into a paper we can be proud of.

Not with Mr. toad

running the show.

I know he's gross and awful, but thanks to

him, Louise Thorne is becoming a hot byline.

You talkin' about "Louise

Thorne's celebrity sex diet" or...

"Secret sins of the vice squad"?

What about my welfare scandal piece?

That's the kind of stuff my father

did when he started this paper.

One of these days,

there's gonna be a coup,

and genghis Khan in there is

gonna be out on his frog baby.

When that day comes, Louise Thorne's

gonna be in a terrible accident.

You know who's gonna take

her place? Lois thorndyke.

The New York informer will be the enforcer

again, the paper my father wanted.

I wish you luck. Just stick

it out a little while longer.

Sorry.

Okay. Well, good luck.

So long, Lois.

So, Louise Thorne's gonna have an accident,

huh? Wait till you see the pictures.

Come off it,

Lois. You love being Louise Thorne.

You love writing about who's screwing who

and who's taking testosterone injections.

It was fun for a while. After two years I

realize how ugly Louise Thorne really is...

Cheap and prurient.

Hey, hey! You're just starting

to get good at it.

Yeah, too good. Louise Thorne

sells a lot of papers.

Mencken sold papers.

Ernie pyle sold papers.

Get your head out of your ass!

You're not in the same ballpark with

those guys, and you never will be.

That's your opinion.

My piece on prison conditions...

Didn't sell a single paper!

Sex stories and pretty, pink

pictures... that's what sells.

- The cover on our last issue...

- Almost got us all arrested.

Sorry,

boss. I don't do porno. Hey!

You write what I tell you. You better

come up with a new photographer...

For tomorrow night,

or I'll get Ernie back...

Pushy little bitch!

No more flash, huh?

No. Couldn't take the heat.

He kinda liked you. Well,

you're the only one for me, cutie pie.

So, your mother still thinks

you work for milady magazine.

Odo,

you know the truth would kill her.

Uh-huh. How come she's backing

this Duffy guy for mayor?

Because Hitler isn't available.

With any luck,

Mr. Duffy will be gone by now.

You've missed all the young ones, miss Lois.

There's only the candidate up there now.

Was there an ice sculpture

tonight? Looked just like him.

Lois! I have been

calling your apartment for an hour.

You almost missed our guest of honor.

Sean Duffy, my daughter Lois.

So this is cappy's little girl.

I hear you have quite a way with

a typewriter. 150 words a minute.

We raised almost $100,000 tonight,

darling.

I think Sean can afford you now.

I have all I can do to handle my

job at milady magazine.

It beats me how the daughter of a

pulitzer prize-winnin' photojournalist...

Can waste her talents writing

diet tips for silly secretaries.

- I'll bet the ice sculpture didn't do you justice.

- You're right.

Mother, you always put me on the spot.

I want you to stop it.

It wouldn't kill you to write

a speech or two for the man.

Something on disposing

of the poor?

You can joke, but we don't want another

four years of mayor franklyn, do we?

Well, it's flattering in a way.

At least it makes him

look slimmer.

The first lady said

she had no recollection of the gift.

In the local news, mayoral candidate Sean

Duffy has accused New York's mayor franklyn...

Of presiding over the moral

disintegration of New York City.

Kill that, would you?

Duffy cited the proliferation of pornography

and the recent increase in crime...

Thanks,

cappy. Come here and give me a kiss.

Come on,

cappy. Let's see what kind of day it is.

I don't see any moral

disintegration. Do you?

Okay, okay.

I'll bet Duffy is

behind these robberies.

What are you talking about?

This is tuna fish.

Now, cappy, while I'm at work, I want to

you do the laundry and straighten up a bit.

What? Yes,

honey. I wish we could afford a maid too.

For now, at least,

I'm making ends meet.

I give myself one more year. By then

I expect to be running the informer.

No more cy katz or frog babies.

I'll do the stories dad

would have done...

The risks of genetic manipulation,

civil rights for domestic animals.

You'll see.

Okay, cappy. Be good.

Lois, could you take a look

at franklyn's speech...

For the dedication

of the housing project tomorrow?

It's not bad,

but it could use your golden touch.

Yeah? Who wrote it? I did.

Hey, Bernie,

what is all of this?

Smut poisoning our youth,

gutter publications? What is this?

Didn't you know? Franklyn's

busting the porno 'zines tomorrow.

As he reads his speech,

the cops will be swooping down on...

Tongue, the sex register,

the informer.

Champion of the pure, defender of the

public morals. You know, election time.

Doesn't really need much. Just the end where

it talks about abusing the criminal mind.

Is franklyn in his

office? He's there. Why?

Hey! Where ya goin'?

Do you have a minute? Not now.

I'd like to see mayor franklyn,

please. I'm sorry.

The mayor's in a meeting now,

and after that he's due at...

Thank you. Miss?

You can't go in there.

Excuse me for barging in,

mayor franklyn. I have to see you.

If there were a train like this running

around Manhattan, would you ride it?

It's awfully small.

In three years' time, you'll have to.

You'll have no other choice.

You're finally gonna ban

private traffic?

You see? I told you the public

would buy it. Oh, come on!

If you want my advice,

you're making a mistake with this speech.

Has one of my writers put

his foot in my mouth again?

It's not that. The whole idea of

raiding the alternate press is a mistake.

Mr. mayor,

there's been another robbery.

So what else is new?

The commissioner thinks it

may be prisoners you released.

Does he have positive

identification? No.

Then they're obviously

from Cleveland.

So, what's wrong

with the porno raid?

You'll alienate the very people

you need to get reelected... the kids.

If you attack the underground press, they'll

see it as a suppression of free speech.

You have a point. Did anybody bother to

check the youth's reaction to my porno raids?

We've done a study. Kids don't read

those sheets. They're busy doing it.

Not according to this young lady,

who may have just saved my reelection.

Come here a minute.

Step into my real office.

Have a seat. Do you have a compact? Uh,

yes.

Thanks. I gotta make a speech tomorrow

about something. It's gotta be good.

- Tell me. What do I talk about?

- Your low-income housing project? $200 million...

No, we've already milked

that for everything it's worth.

People are bored with the poor. No,

I need something sexy.

What's this? Your

new official head shot.

What a piece of shit. Makes me look

like sal mineo in crime in the streets.

Why don't you make a speech about

those robberies we've been having?

There are a thousand robberies

a day. Nobody gives a damn.

The public's really getting worried.

Maybe a special investigation or something.

Special investigation, huh? Some kind

of crackdown on organized crime.

Okay. I'll buy it,

if you'll write it.

I don't know who you are,

but I've got a hunch...

You've got the right idea

about this porno business.

I'm gonna write you the

best speech of your career.

Who are you, anyway?

In 25 words or less.

Louise... Lois thorndyke,

just a volunteer,

who happens to really believe

in what you're doing for this city.

How would Lois like to be

my personal assistant?

We could use somebody

with brains here.

What are we paying you? Nothing.

I'll double it. How does

that sound? Much better.

In the meantime, find me

a new personal photographer.

This one obviously can't shoot

his way out of a barn.

Do you know anything

about photography? A little.

I need somebody who can shoot on the run, who's

used to making pictures in all situations.

- You got me?

- I gotcha, boss.

Carlos, can you tell me something

about your background and experience?

Sure. These are some shots

I took of the riots in Miami.

They're mostly the pigs

busting the brothers' heads in.

These pictures I took

for the Amsterdam news,

when the black lords took over

those churches in Harlem... you remember.

Here are some product shots

I made for Doyle Dane.

Tell me, what made you apply for this

particular job? Are you a fan of mayor franklyn?

No, man! It's for the bread.

How much does

this gig pay anyway?

- Well, they want to pay about 200 a week to start.

- Shit.

In New York, I worked

with vogue and bazaar,

let's see, cosmo,

field and stream.

And in Paris, I did a lot with

the Paris vogue and Elle...

And queen.

I take it you haven't done

much in news photography.

No, not actually. I don't feel anybody's

realized the full potential of the mayor's face.

I mean, his eyes and cheekbones. I'd

like to design a whole new look for him.

I assume he won't mind wearing

the tiniest bit of makeup.

I'm sending in the last one,

Ms. thorndyke, then I'm going.

You say that most of your work has

been in ornithological photography?

- Yes, I photograph birds.

- Birds.

For ornithological journals

mostly... bird magazines.

They're a lot harder to

photograph than most people think.

They get frightened very easily.

So I use just

a miniature camera.

Most people think that photographing

birds is a matter of wandering...

Through the woods, but there's a lot

of hiding and climbing and chasing too.

It's very exhausting.

That's why I want to get into

a less strenuous line of work.

That, and the fact that bird

magazines don't pay very well.

I'm afraid this job

only pays $200 a week.

Wow. That's a lot better

than I do on the bird magazines.

And besides, you know, the people you

have to deal with are a little crazy.

Bird people.

You know what I mean.

Mr. Denver, suppose it was late at night,

and you were being chased by birds.

And some of them were,

oh, shooting at you.

Shooting at me? I know

it sounds far-fetched.

Do you suppose you could get good

photographs even in a situation like that?

- I guess so.

- Do you do your own processing?

Yes. Have you ever worked

in a mobile darkroom?

No... never mind.

- Would you like to do a trial assignment tonight?

- All right.

I can't give you the details

of the assignment now.

It's confidential...

Sort of undercover stuff,

but it's very important to

mayor franklyn's campaign.

Where do you live?

651 west 13th street.

I'll pick you up at 10:00.

Oh, do you think

I'll be paid for this?

We'll cover expenses. If you do a good job,

I'll give you an extra 50. How's that?

- It's better than I did with the bird magazines.

- It's a date. See you at 10:00.

An otherwise fine job.

I see you've made

yourself a new friend. Hi.

Hi. How would the new

special assistant like...

To go out to dinner tonight

with the mayor of her fair city?

I'd really like to, except...

Except what?

Except I promised the mayor

I'd write his speech tonight.

Suppose the "mayor"

lets you off the hook.

I'd hate to see the mayor in front of all

those people tomorrow with egg on his face.

Why don't we take our pad and

our pencils and our little eraser.

We'll go up to my suite at the

hotel and order some dinner,

and we'll write

the speech together.

Well, you know we'd never

get anything written.

Uh-huh. Well,

if you have a better offer...

Oh, no. You're the best offer

I've had in a long time.

Would the mayor

give me a rain check?

Risky business. Never know how

long a fellow's gonna stay mayor.

That's right, Jack. He's going to

make a major policy statement.

Times Square, 3:00 tomorrow. Tell him

to bring his assistant, what's-her-name.

Yeah, I'll see you there.

Whatever happened to that girl you were

supposed to marry about six months ago?

You really need a woman

in your life, Claude.

- One the press can write about.

- I had to stop seeing that girl.

I found out at the last minute she

had a touch of republican blood.

It would help if you'd give us somebody...

An official girlfriend, anything.

Remember Nixon's dog checkers.

- Is checkers available?

- I'll check the pound.

Okay, I'll dig up a girl somewhere. Maybe

the pet of the month would like the job.

- Good night, Claude.

- Good night, Fred. Oh. Ooh.

Why don't you call Francine?

Hello? Is Francine there?

No, just tell her a friend

called. All right. Good-bye.

Shit.

Stick with me, baby. There's a

little something to hold you up.

Barbara, will you stop it?

Why did you drag me here?

You know I hate Irish bars.

I thought we were

going to the movies.

This will only take a few minutes.

It's important to the campaign.

Sorry I'm late. I had to take two

cabs to make sure I wasn't followed.

- What do ya got?

- Franklyn just canceled a porno raid scheduled for tomorrow.

Yeah? How come?

One of his pushy assistants.

- I want another ramos gin fizz.

- Go ahead and order one. You got a mouth.

God knows you got a mouth.

Anything on the housing projects?

Any payoffs or kickbacks?

Nothin' yet. I'm workin' on it.

All right. This porno thing is good,

Bernie.

Here's your angle. Franklyn's

afraid he'll lose the youth vote...

If he sits on the

porno 'zines. Excuse me.

- This is boring. I'm going to the ladies' room.

- You've got five minutes.

Okay, Bernie. We'll contact the

globe and break the story.

Let's see his honor

squirm out of this one.

Oh, wait, baby.

Wait! Wait for me!

Awl

yes.

This better be Francine.

Hello. Your assistant, Bernie,

says you canceled your porno raid.

Oh, really?

He's workin' for Duffy.

I never would have guessed.

Catch you later.

Thanks, Barbara.

I'll take care of it.

J as

regularly as coffee or tea &

j you got me in your clutches

and I can't get free j

j you're getting to be a

habit with me can't break it... jj

oh, you're early. I'm sorry.

No, I was going

to meet you downstairs.

Come on in.

Doesn't he

have a splendid voice?

For some reason,

I cannot persuade him to go on the radio.

Mother, I'd like you to meet

miss thorndyke. Lois, my mother.

How do you do,

miss thorndyke? Hello.

I'm Barry's mother. I know,

you probably thought I was his sister.

Never mind. Don't you think my boy would

be a wonderful success on the radio?

Al jolson thinks so. Um, well...

I don't think miss thorndyke is

interested in my radio career.

I'll be back in a minute, Lois.

Of course she's interested. Aren't you,

miss thorndyke? Uh-huh.

Oh, you have very sensitive eyes...

The eyes of an artist.

Do you do anything,

dear? Do anything?

I mean, do you perform? Do you act or sing,

play an instrument?

No, I don't. Oh.

I was always certain all my children would

perform in some manner, but of course...

I'm the only child

you ever had, mother.

I have nothing against photography,

mind you.

There are some

marvelous photographers.

Daguerre, Mathew Brady...

Wonderful man,

Mathew Brady. Mother.

But somehow it lacks the

glamor of a career in radio.

And with a talent

like Barry's...

Well, if I were his mother,

I know what I'd do.

- Aren't you his mother?

- She's my mother, all right.

In name only. He doesn't pay any

attention to anything I say.

He treats me more like

a sister than a mother.

Some people think

we are sisters.

I'll bet you thought so, too,

when you first saw me.

I'm in touch with

everybody, you know...

Marconi, Thomas Edison,

major bowes...

But he won't hear of it.

He thinks there's something

wrong in exploiting his golden voice.

Won't even consider the pleasures he

could bring to millions of unhappy people,

not to mention his

poor old sister.

Let's give Ms. thorndyke a chorus of

"you're getting to be a habit with me."

I'm sorry, mother. Miss thorndyke

and I have to be going.

Don't wait up. We'll see you

in the morning. Come on, Lois.

Great talent is

in the blood, you know.

And blood will tell.

Talent will out!

Jd

J every kiss,

every hug seems to act just like a drug 7

j you're getting to be

a habit with me &

jd

Lois, I'm really sorry

about my mother.

She means well. She

takes getting used to.

I didn't realize major

bowes was still alive.

She's the only one

that really hears him.

This is it.

- It's a milk wagon.

- It only looks like a milk wagon.

Barry, this is our driver, odo.

All right, odo. Let's go.

Barry?

But... I...

The mayor wants us

to keep undercover a lot.

I just... I... wow!

It really is a mobile

darkroom. As advertised.

Gosh, it sure is

great to be working.

I looked all over for a job. The only

thing I was offered was tongue magazine.

- You know, one of those sex sheets.

- Wasn't the money good?

It's not that. It would

have killed my mother.

- I know what you mean.

- She finds out everything.

You can't imagine what it's like

living at home with my mother.

I love her, of course. It's just

she never leaves the house.

- She's always home.

- Doesn't she have any friends?

Not real ones.

You said this was undercover

work. I brought my miniature camera.

I hope that's all right. As

long as the pictures are good.

We're interviewing a man who...

Mayor franklyn knows to be

involved in criminal activities.

Our job is

to get the goods on him.

We're posing as reporters for one of

those underground papers your mother likes.

Which one? Not...

The New York informer.

Senorita Thorne,

I am esuardo woparico.

I am honored to receive

you in my home. Thank you.

Senor woparico... please!

To you, I am esuardo.

This is Mr. Denver,

our photographer.

Mr. Denver, I am enchanted

to make your acquaintance.

Won't you please

come in, please?

Here. Have the glass

of the venezuelan wine.

It is the best what

you could buy... $12.

A bottle? A case.

Senor woparico, why are you

wearing that mask?

Senorita Louise, could you understand

that if I am to be discovered who I am,

there will be very bad trouble.

I will take off the mask,

but you must not take the

picture of me above the chin.

If you don't want people to know who you

are, senor woparico, why are you...

Please! To you, I am esuardo.

Senorita Louise, I am read every day

in the magazines, in the newspapers,

on the television about the call girls,

the madams, the hell's bedroom.

But where is the agent? Nobody

say nothing about the agent.

This is not fair. This is why I decide

to give this exclusive interview...

To set the record straight

about the work of the agent.

So you're an agent. Yes!

I am the agent

for the young ladies.

You like the young ladies? You like

esuardo fix you up with young lady?

Oh, no, thank you,

senor woparico, not tonight.

- Maybe for you?

- Oh, well, it's very kind of you to offer, but this is business.

Sure, sure. Herel

have another glass of wine.

Ask me all what you like.

Our readers would be interested in

how you recruit your young ladies.

Are they mostly drug addicts? Are they girls

from the midwest who are down on their luck?

No, no, no. My girls

is all profesionales...

Secretaries, stewardesses,

meter maids... like that.

- Where do you find these girls?

- When you hunting the elephant,

you look in

the jungles of Africa.

When you hunting

the stewardesses,

you look in the bars

of the east 70s.

How do you get them

to work for you?

My charm. I hypnotize them.

I meet them in the bar.

We talk a little bit.

I bring them back

to my fabulous apartment.

I show them my execu-lounger,

my beautiful electric El greco.

They see that I am the agent

what got the class.

Then I give them

a test assignment.

- I'm on a test assignment myself.

- You are?

Senor woparico, how long

do you keep these girls?

10,000 dates, or until they die.

I wonder if you'd mind giving us a

demonstration of your recruitment technique.

I seen better than this on my

grandmother's Turkey farm.

But since I have

make you the promise,

I will go after...

That small, dark

pink over there.

Over at Macy's... listen,

I have the question for you.

If you have the choice

between the mink coat...

And the Mercedes 300s,

which one you take?

Drop dead.

Listen... huh?

Geez, what a creep.

What's his problem?

Listen,

I have the question for you.

How much do you think

he pays for that apartment?

I bet the mob pays his rent.

What's mayor franklyn

gonna do about him?

You know,

you come on just like a pimp.

I'd take the mink.

Slow down, will ya?

Lift it up a little.

Come on now.

Hey, they took a picture.

My god, I been robbed! They

steal all my beautiful things!

My electric El greco,

my crimans vibrabed,

my stereo hi-fi console,

my 17 silk suits

by Mr. Marco of Milano,

my 15-speed waring blender,

my adler elevator shoes!

Wow! Have you been ripped off.

I can't tell you how

sorry I am about this.

- Are you insured?

- Insured? Are you crazy? Who's gonna insure a pimp?

They must have waited

for you to go out.

It's no possible. Nobody know

I go out tonight, except...

Surely you don't think that Mr. Denver

and I had anything to do with this.

It was your idea we go to that bar

so I show you how I pick up the girls.

Wait a minute. What is this?

You trick me to leaving

my beautiful apartment...

So your friends can come

and steal all my stuff!

My El greco! My blender!

We did nothing of the kind.

You say you work

for that newspaper,

but how I know you really

work for that newspaper?

If you have doubts about our credentials,

why don't you go to the telephone...

And call the editor of the new

York informer and check us out.

Suppose he does? I think

I call some of my boys.

You can call whoever you

like. Come on. We're leaving.

Wait a minute! My boys

want to talk to you.

You tell them to talk to my boss,

Mr. troppogrosso of the New York informer.

Nobody going no place!

My Princess phone. Where is my

color-coordinated Princess phone?

Adios, senor! They stole her!

They stole my poor,

little Princess phone.

Come back

here! I kill you! I cut you up!

Hey, wait a minute, you!

You two come back!

I kill you!

I... oh, wait you...

Aaah!

The pictures look great, Barry.

Oh, you know... I'm glad they came

out. I'm not used to this kind of work.

You came through like a champ, and that was

marvelous, the way you stood up to senor woparico.

Mayor franklyn's going

to be very proud of us.

I don't plan to bore him

with all the gory details.

I'd appreciate it if you didn't mention

anything about it at the office tomorrow.

Oh, sure...

At the office tomorrow? I got the job? Why,

sure.

Your first official assignment

will be tomorrow afternoon.

Come in around 11:30. That

way you can sleep late.

Okay. Great.

- Good night, Barry.

- Good night.

See you tomorrow.

Mayor franklyn, huh?

"Oh, what a tangled web we weave,

when first we practice to deceive."

When I want your opinion,

I'll ask for it.

By then it'll be too late.

This kid is some

terrific photographer.

I wish I had him around when

we did the frog babies story.

They're kinda hard to photograph.

They're always wigglin' around.

We could run this face on the

front page and offer a reward.

These could be the same guys who are

ripping off all... screw the robbery angle.

I want a story about a

ritzy pimp and his hookers.

It's all there. Read my story,

then make up your mind, okay? Hey!

I got something hot

for you tomorrow night.

Ever hear of a joint

called the bestiary?

It's a club, isn't it,

for people with special tastes?

Yeah. They're planning an

orgy tomorrow night. Forget it!

You know how I feel

about hard-core stuff. Hey!

It's not just an ordinary orgy. There're

gonna be some very interesting people there.

Wouldn't I look

just a little conspicuous...

Standing in the middle of an

orgy with my tape recorder?

That's why I got you this little

somethin' here. What's that?

A birthday present? You like it?

It's a little microphone

transmitter combination...

Commonly known as a bug.

Where does it transmit to?

To your recorder.

Leave it in the truck

with the little freak.

Freak! Huh?

I didn't say anything. Oh.

There's one voice in particular

I want you to record.

I understand that the

mayor is gonna be there.

Mayor franklyn? Come on.

I don't believe it.

You'll see for yourself

tomorrow night.

If he is there, I'd like to have

a nice, clear picture of him...

And a good, crisp

recording of his voice.

Is there anything in particular

you'd like to have him say?

Yeah, I'd like

to hear him say this...

Come on, odo.

What? Is he in here?

Never bring him here! I can't stand

freaks! They give me the whoopsie-daisies.

I was cold. Forget it,

odo. Come on.

Out! Out! Where's my ding dong?

We gotta stop meeting like

this. Folks are starting to talk.

You forgot to ask fatso

about my money, didn't you?

Oh, odo,

I'm sorry. How much does he owe you?

Three months. That fat pig.

He doesn't deserve you,

Lois, but I do.

You know, dwarf love

is the strongest of all.

We never let go.

Only death can

douse a dwarf, Lois.

- Louise.

- Does the flash know about your double life and all?

No, and don't go telling

him either, big mouth.

I'll tell him myself,

when it's time.

Uh-oh. Heartbreak ahead.

Fifty-fifty. I got this one.

Odo,

you're practically starving! I got it.

Thanks.

The city really coughed up $200 million for

a low-income housing project on Times Square?

Mayor franklyn sunk a

lot of his own money into it.

To finish it in time for the election.

You mustn't make me sound too altruistic.

Where's Bernie? I didn't

see him at the office.

Bernie isn't with us

anymore. Why not?

He incurred our displeasure. Oh.

Barry, Lois tells me you're

a first-rate photographer.

She showed you the pictures

we took last night? Last night?

I haven't had a chance yet. I'm interested

to know how you're gonna use all that stuff.

- What stuff?

- Just an extracurricular project...

We were fooling around

with last night.

I haven't had time

to fill you in.

After you finished your speech writing,

you mean?

All of us have been putting

in some overtime, haven't we?

I didn't think of it as

overtime. Bet you didn't.

Excuse me, mayor franklyn,

but we're picking her up again.

Who, the crazy lady?

That's right. You

want to hear her? Sure!

- Plug her in. She's always good for a laugh.

- Ooh, ooh.

If you're listening,

mayor franklyn,

because this is a very important

message from Aimee semple mcpherson.

Aimee is very annoyed with you.

She's warned you time and again about the

dangers of salacious literature in this city.

Yet, you continue to ignore her,

and you see the result.

The police have been trying to

locate this transmitter for months.

God only knows how

she found my wavelength.

She says that if you don't

outlaw the sale of pornography...

In this city within 24 hours, she'll

see to it that you lose the election.

Sounds like she's

got my number, all right.

Oh, just a minute. What's that,

Aimee? Barry?

What's the matter?

That's my mother.

Take my advise, mayor,

and do something about it.

As you can see,

franklyn village is a reality.

I'm still waiting for my

barber to pay me the 20 bucks.

You hear that, Rocco?

Any of you happen to see

the New York globe this morning?

"Duffy claims franklyn's

soft on hard-core."

Unfortunately, my opponent, Mr. Duffy,

didn't quite get his facts straight.

The people of this city know

where I stand on this issue.

They're too smart to confuse freedom

of speech with unscrupulous exploitation.

The porno 'zines must go.

Even as I speak, these sleazy

smut and scandal sheets...

Are being closed down by the police,

and they're gonna stay closed.

Parents, I want you to think about that

when you go to the polls on Thursday.

All right. Thank you.

Oh, Lois. Lois!

Would you come over here

for a minute, please?

I'd like to introduce a lady who,

in the course of a few hours,

has made herself into an

indispensable personal assistant.

Her name is Lois

thorndyke... is she cappy's kid?

Yes, she is the daughter of new

York's own cappy thorndyke.

She's the one who reassured me

that these antipornography raids...

Would not be misunderstood by

our responsible and intelligent kids.

I depend on her more than any

other single person on my staff.

And I guess you might say...

She is just about the most

important woman in my life.

I just wanted you to meet her,

and I wanted to thank her publicly.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Lois thorndyke!

Wait till my mother

hears about this.

Hello, boss. This is Lois.

Did they close us down?

You haven't heard? Franklyn sent

the police out to crunch all the...

They didn't touch us, huh?

That's a relief. Yeah,

we're going to the bestiary.

Don't worry.

You'll get your story.

What? Look, I wouldn't count

on mayor franklyn being there.

All right. Good-bye.

Lois, I want to apologize for putting

you on the spot that way this afternoon.

You really are one of the

brightest people on my staff.

You are certainly

the most attractive.

Thank you, mayor franklyn. You didn't

think much of my advice. Call me Claude.

Yes, your advice was sound. There were,

as always... good speech, Claude!

Extenuating circumstances.

How'd you like to let me

make it up to you?

We could get dressed up

and go out tonight.

Forget about work. Let me

cash in that rain check. Dress up?

In costume?

Maybe. What do ya say?

What kind of party will

it be? One of those wild...

For a girl that's been asked out by the mayor,

you have a lot of questions. What do ya say?

I'd like to,

but I have a dinner date tonight. Break it.

You have a good time tonight though. One

day soon we'll cash in those rain checks.

You know, Lois,

rain checks are like parking tickets.

Let 'em pile up,

they're likely to get you in trouble.

This is ridiculous.

How am I gonna go

anywhere like this?

I'm sure major bowes has seen

stranger costumes in his time.

I am not going on

the amateur hour.

I'm gonna take pictures at a

costume party. This is an assignment.

The important thing is

not to be nervous.

Do you know your songs?

Do you remember your routines?

Yes,

mother. I've got 'em down cold. Let me see.

Think the major will like

it? You're gonna be grand.

This is the happiest night of

my life. I'll be glued to my radio.

I know you're gonna win.

Thank you for your confidence.

Don't wait up for me tonight...

But I thought I might... mother!

Remember our agreement.

Why can't I come in too?

Who'd run the tape

recorder? You don't have a costume.

I don't need a

costume. I am a costume.

Let's go. You sure you

understand everything, odo?

Wait three minutes, then push the button.

I'm not brain damaged.

Wish us luck!

- We're counting on you, odo.

- Some people have all the fun.

What makes you think

he'll be here?

He wasn't here last time. He

didn't come the time before that...

What are we gonna do? We'll

tell them we lost our invitations.

Let's sneak in with those people.

Your invitation, please?

Of course he'll be here. He knows

I'll be here, so he'll be here.

Well,

we see if he's here or not. I give $100...

Your invitation, please? We're not guests.

We're working here tonight.

We're entertainers... bird and lamb.

You know, the singers?

Nobody said anything

to me about bird and lamb.

We're probably

last-minute replacements.

Okay. Wait here a minute.

They'll never fall for this. Whoever's

performing is probably here already.

What have we got to lose? The

worst they can do is throw us out.

Think of mayor franklyn. We don't

want to let him down, do we?

That's exactly who

I am thinking of.

The manager wants to see you.

I don't see him anywhere. I don't think

he's here. I told you he wasn't coming.

Good evening. I'm senor scoppi,

the manager.

I understand you are...

Entertainers? That's right.

We sing and dance.

We did not engage any singers or dancers

this evening. There must be some mistake.

We were hired privately.

By one of your guests.

- May I have his name?

- He's an important political figure.

I doubt that he'd want us

to mention his name.

Of course. Right this way.

Jd

Hi. Is everything all right?

Yes,

please. I'd like some cigarettes.

Such a good time last time,

I brought my friend this time.

Just hoping the show's going

to be as good as it was last time.

I hope you will not mind

waiting in here.

The dressing rooms are being

used for something quite different.

This is fine. I'll talk to the bandleader.

You can go on in ten minutes.

You hungry?

Barry, what are we gonna do?

I don't know any songs.

Did you ever see wango

and woogie join the circus?

About a million times on

television when I was a kid.

You know the animal

number they do?

That oughta go over great in

this place. I kinda remember it.

J you're the cat's meow &

mm-hmm.

J I mean you're neater than a

cheetah... j not well enough to...

Don't worry. We'll fake it.

Fake it! Sure. Just follow me.

Boy, if my mother

could see us now.

J you're the cat's meow & meow.

J I mean,

you're neater than a cheetah j grr.

J you are the feline to whom

I make a beeline immediately &

j 'cause, baby j

j you bring out

the beast in me j

j you're the cock of the walk j&

j you're just as regal

as an eagle j

j a pterodactyl & & with whom I

could be tactile, believe you me j

j 'cause, baby j

j you bring out

the beast in me j

j when it comes to

the animal urge j»

j no one can equal mine j

j for with you

the urge to merge j

j is working overtime j

j you got me frisky

as a pup j woof!

J you got me lower

than a boa j sss.

J you're an opossum j & with whom

my love could blossom in any tree j

j 'cause, baby j

j you bring out

the beast in me j

let's skip to the end. Not

now. This is my big solo.

J animals are so absurd &

j when it comes to romance j

j it's all true those

things you've heard j

j animals just wanna dance j

Wow!

Oh!

J of all the pets in the zoo j

j you are the creature

that I feature

j you are the kitten with whom

I could be smitten eternally j

j 'cause, baby, you

bring out the beast j

j baby, to say the least j

j baby, you bring

out the beast j

Jin me dl

yeah!

We really knocked 'em dead.

Where'd you learn to tap like that?

Come on. We gotta find the orgy.

Looks like there's something

going on over there.

Banana? That's my brother!

Allow me to congratulate you

on your excellent performance.

Thank you. We were going to join

our friends... I talked with your friends.

Though they enjoyed

your performance,

they told me it was

not they who engaged you.

An honest mistake, I'm sure, but now I'm

afraid I must escort you to the door.

Oh! I forgot our music.

It's in the kitchen.

Go get it. I'll stay here

with signor scoppi.

Wait a minute. It will

only take a second.

I have a confession to make. We

weren't really engaged by anyone.

We've heard so much about this place,

we just had to see it.

So we made up that story

about our friend.

Charming, but you understand

this could cost me my job.

'Scuse me, pal. Could you direct us to

the center of this evening's activities?

Get down! Get down! Ow!

Oh, yeah! Right over there.

Barry, there's

a holdup going on.

What? There's a holdup!

Just stay loose,

and nobody's gonna get hurt.

All we want is your money and your

jewelry. Get it out and hand it over.

Let's get out of

here. Are you kidding?

I bet those are the same

guys that ripped off senor woparico.

They're not gonna stand around

while we interview them. Of course not.

We're gonna join them. Get

as many pictures as you can.

Don't worry, Ariel. It's all absurd.

I have gold fillings...

I haven't got

very much money with me,

but you're welcome to what I have,

only please don't take my wedding ring.

This is a business,

lady. Hand it over.

Now that will only make

you sick. Come on. Mm-mmm.

You were gonna risk

internal injuries over these?

$300. Sir, you shouldn't carry

this kind of money around.

Please don't rape me. That's all.

Just please, please, don't rape me.

Lady, relax. All we want is your

watch. No one's gonna rape you.

Get away from me,

you. I want him to not rape me.

That's it. Say bye-bye to the

nice people. Don't hurt me.

Nice to meet you.

Odo, are you listening?

Isn't this fantastic?

We're going with the robbers. Follow

their car. Repeat. Follow their car.

Holy Moses!

It's close in here.

Was it crowded coming over?

Mccann, will you stop bitching?

You're gonna be stuck in the tombs.

I'll say! There's a place

the good lord forgot.

Hey, Eddie! What's the matter?

Odo,

we're in franklyn village. Can you hear...

All right,

guys. Put your loot on the table.

Mother of god!

Let's get these masks off.

Uh-oh. Quick. Back here.

Did you bring me my pastrami

on pumpernickel? Mother of god!

We forgot it entirely. Thanks a lot! I asked

you to pick up one simple thing for me.

Will you shut up?

We were stickin' up an orgy.

We had more important things

to worry about.

Never mind, Teddy. We'll all

go get somethin' to eat later.

Like hell we will... wow!

Look at all this stuff.

Incredible.

Right in the middle

of the new housing project.

They sure don't qualify

as low-income tenants.

Let's go to Nick's.

We can get some spaghetti.

I don't believe

this is happening.

I can get some

great shots in here.

Look at all this stuff!

It must be worth a fortune.

Lois, look!

Senor woparico's El greco.

Here's the Madonna and the

execu-lounger. They even got his rolls.

Amazing. We'll get the police to

come back here and ambush them.

Yeah, if we ever

get out of here.

As long as we are here,

let's look around.

They even got camera equipment.

Let's see what's in there.

Lois. What is it, Barry?

There's something

I want to tell you.

My life's been sort of

sheltered up to now...

Living at home with mother and

working with birds, bird people.

Their idea of excitement is

cinnamon in the hot chocolate.

Anyway, I just wanted to thank

you for bringing me out of all that.

This is the most exciting thing

that's ever happened to me.

You sure have a strange

idea of a good time.

Meanwhile,

how are we going to get out of here?

Just leave everything to me.

Okay. Do your stuff.

Aren't you gonna do your

stuff? That was my stuff.

We still seem to be

here. I wasn't finished yet.

How about half now

and the rest on delivery?

Hey, what is this place?

Is that a printing press?

Wait a minute.

It's the New York informer,

with one of my pictures on the front page.

I'll be damned. So this

is where they print it.

How did they get my

photograph? Look at this.

"Robbers rip off prince of pimps.'

Exclusive story by Louise Thorne"?

Louise Thorne? Yeah.

I'm not working for mayor franklyn at all,

am I?

I'm working for the informer. Actually,

you're working for both.

Great. I played a trick on

you. It was only half a lie.

I was desperate. If I told you the truth,

you never would have agreed...

How do you know?

Well, would you?

Of course not.

You're right.

I wouldn't blame you if you

walked out on me right now.

You got it, miss Thorne.

One thing about bird people,

Lois, they don't play games.

Sure, they're crazy and chintzy,

but they were straight with me.

A Mallard was a Mallard,

you know?

I thought Lois thorndyke

was one hell of a gal.

She had fire, daring, guts.

I could've gone for her.

Well, maybe someday Louise Thorne

will grow up to be Lois thorndyke.

And when it happens,

give me a call, huh? If it happens.

Oh, damn, they cut

the power on the elevator.

We stumbled onto

something tremendous here.

This printing press means the informer is

tied in with the biggest crime ring in town.

We tell mayor franklyn about this, he can

bust the syndicate and cash in politically.

- It'll cinch his reelection.

- I'm calling the police.

Let's at least call him first, and if

he says, "go to the police," we will.

We owe it to him. I mean,

we are working for him.

I'm working for him. God only

knows who you're working for.

What are you doing? Listen.

Go into the pressroom...

And see if you can find something sharp,

anything that'll cut these wires.

I hope you know

what you're doing.

Knock it off, will ya? Come on!

See if you can

find some wire too,

anything that'll conduct

electricity.

Okay, okay.

Are these okay?

They'll have to do.

Fuh!

Okay. Get in the car

and start the engine.

- This is never gonna work.

- Don't worry. I learned this trick from my mother.

Come on, baby.

Barry, you did it.

Okay, you guys, quit

complaining about the pizza.

It's the best pizza

I could manage.

It's about time! I'm freezin'

my tail off out here.

Get us outta here quick! Come

on. Once around the block. Hurry!

Wait. Shut up, you guys!

- Who is that?

- I don't know. We'd better find out though.

That's just the way it is.

I've got a ring job

and points and plugs...

I'm going as fast as I can!

Quit complaining about

this car! This car is a classic.

- Hey, that's my typewriter!

- It could be your neck! Which do you want to save?

Sixty-eight,

sixty-nine...

And 100.

Hello.

Oh, Lois. What's up?

At the housing project?

Quite a girl, that Lois.

If you like cobras. She's

gonna get my back pay for me.

Don't hold your breath.

No, no, no.

Don't go to the police.

This is political dynamite. I want

you to come out here right away.

I want to hear the full story.

All right. I'll be waiting.

See you soon.

When we found the printing press

and the copies of the informer,

we realized there must be some connection

between the paper and the thieves.

I'm sure the same man is behind both

operations. We heard them call him the boss.

- Who could that be, I wonder?

- A man named troppogrosso, the editor of the informer.

Troppogrosso? Troppogrosso.

We ought to call the

police. Have them raid their hideout.

In the middle of

my new housing project?

I don't know how they got away

with it. Shall we call the police?

I'm gonna check the foreman on that

construction. There's gotta be a payoff.

Troppogrosso must have

some pretty good connections.

Are we calling the police? No!

No, no, no, not yet. Tomorrow night

is my final campaign speech.

I'm gonna save this and

drop it like a bombshell.

If I can arrange a police raid to coincide

with my speech, it'll clinch my reelection.

I want you two kids up there

on the platform with me.

Mayor franklyn! Gosh! Hey. Hey.

Fair is fair. I believe in giving

credit where credit is due.

You two kids broke this case.

Now come on.

I've made up a bed for each

of you in the guest rooms.

We'll get a good night's sleep, and early

tomorrow morning we'll all drive in together.

I want you both to know

just how proud I am of you.

Good night. Good night.

Hello?

I know it's very late, but you're going

to have to come out here right away.

Something big and... unpleasant

is about to break.

- Lois.

- I'll never be able to sleep unless I tell you.

Tell me what?

I have a confession to make.

That sounds ominous.

I've been moonlighting as a

reporter for the New York informer.

I couldn't tell you

before because...

I know what you think

of the underground press,

but I never knew

about the crime ring.

I guess I should have known about

troppogrosso. Ooh, he's so slimy!

- He told me you'd be at the bestiary.

- What did he tell you?

He told me you'd be at an orgy. He wanted

me to get some compromising pictures of you.

- You really thought I might be there?

- Well,

you did ask me

to a costume party.

Lois,

do you know what would happen if it

were known that my personal assistant...

Was a reporter

for the New York informer?

How would I look?

My raid on the porno zines

would be a mockery. I know.

And as of right now

you have my resignation.

I'll announce it tomorrow on TV,

if you want me to.

Sweetheart, I am very touched

by your honesty,

but it's very late.

You must be exhausted. We'll

talk about this in the morning.

You mean, you're not

gonna fire me?

Oh, Lois, you're

such a little girl.

You're much too valuable

for me to fire.

Besides, how could I fire the

most important woman in my life?

You could say I was

your undercover agent.

Speaking of which,

is that rain check still good?

Come in, chuckles.

I have a bone to pick with you.

It better be damn important to

get me out here at 3:00 in the morning.

And don't call me chuckles.

The name is Charles.

Shut up, chuckles.

You're not my only

surprise house guest tonight.

Oh, yeah? What, you got a broad

stashed around here someplace?

As a matter of fact, I have,

chuckles... a broad named Lois.

The name ring any bells? Lois.

Thorndyke?

What's she doing here?

Miss thorndyke made some

very interesting discoveries...

About your operation

tonight, chuckles.

She made a clean... breast

of everything to me.

Lucky for you, she came here

instead of going to the police,

as her idiot photographer

suggested.

Hey, what are you talking about? What

does she know? She knows it all, you idiot!

She followed the gang to the warehouse.

When she saw the papers and presses,

she put two and two together,

and she came up...

With you, chuckles.

Nosy little bitch. I'll get my hands

on her, and I'll sit on her face.

- Do you have the time?

- Yeah. It's...

You sent her to the bestiary to

get some dirt on me, didn't you?

Some compromising pictures.

Hey! Aah!

Hey, she's lyin'. I...

No, no, no,

you're lying, chuckles,

but you're no good at it.

Why would you want

to blackmail me?

Surely you're not stupid enough to think

that you can run this operation alone.

So what did you have in mind?

Don't be afraid, chuckles.

I won't hurt you.

Hey, boss.

I mean, me and the guys,

we do all the dirty work,

and what do we get for it?

20%. Now you know that ain't

right. We ought to split fifty-fifty.

It ain't right,

you taking all that money.

Chuckles, that money goes to subsidize

new roads and low-income housing projects.

That money keeps me mayor.

I don't take it for myself.

Oh, no, of course not.

Not one penny.

Not one red cent.

I am a modern Robin hood.

And then you got 50%

of the paper. Judas priest!

Yes, but without my protection,

there would be no paper, chuckles.

Well, all I know is,

we carry the concealed weapons,

we drive around with the hot merchandise,

we take all the risks,

and all we get...

Now you listen to me!

I call the shots here, not you.

When I found you,

you were a two-bit hustler...

Right out of the pen for

printing kiddie porn.

Anytime I want to,

I can drop you right back in it.

It'd serve you right if I blew the

whistle on you, you skinny bastard!

Yeah? And who'd believe you?

The mayor of New York,

a rackets boss?

Ha, ha, ha! I'm clean, remember?

There's nothing

to connect you and me.

- Barry.

- What's that? Aah!

Your infantile whimpering is

disturbing my guest, chuckles.

You think I'm making this up?

You think I'm jealous?

I'm telling you,

they're downstairs now. Now come on.

Barry, you're such a sweet guy.

You deserve someone

really terrific...

Who wouldn't keep pushing

your head underwater all the time.

Come on!

I guess they must have

stepped out for a breath of fresh air.

Lois... Lois, I swear to you,

they were standing right here, arguing

about the way the profits were split up.

Troppogrosso said franklyn

takes the lion's share.

Don't worry about him, boss.

When I get through with him,

he'll look like a frog baby. A what?

A frog baby.

You go back to town, chuckles.

I'll take care of this

problem... in my own way.

To finance his building programs,

I suppose. Yeah, exactly.

He calls himself the "modern

Robin hood." Oh, Barry.

I've just been on the phone

with the commissioner.

We've arranged a raid tonight on the

whole crime ring with total media coverage.

Every man, woman and child in the greater

New York area is going to see that man...

What's his name? Troppogrosso.

Troppogrosso arrested.

And I am going to make a speech

about law and order,

which ought to get me reelected,

if anything can.

I owe it all to you two. I'm really

looking forward to that raid.

Would you like to ride in the

lead police car? I can arrange it.

- I'd love to.

- Good. You'll get some terrific pictures. And, Lois...

Well, Lois, I hope you're gonna wanna be

with me when I make that speech, because...

You're gonna play a pretty

important part in that speech, my love.

Would you excuse

me? I wanna get some fresh air.

Yes. We should all get some

fresh air. Now I have a special treat.

I'm gonna fly us all back to Manhattan in my

executive plane. Do you have a pilot's license?

- Barry!

- All ready, Mr. mayor.

All right. Let's go.

We've got a busy day ahead.

I haven't finished my coffee. Barry,

come on.

Eddie, what the hell is that?

Oh, he's with us.

I'll be back in a second.

Do you like

lemon pie? I love it.

- Rough night, huh?

- I don't want to talk about it.

Welcome to the club.

I'm gonna go back in the wagon.

I'll see you later. Oh, Barry.

I wouldn't hear of it. This is

really one trip you shouldn't miss.

Besides, I want a snapshot of Lois

and me together flying over the sound.

It's okay, odo!

I'm taking the plane!

That's a nasty cough you got there,

uh... what's his name? Eddie.

Nasty cough

you got there, Eddie.

You remember Eddie,

don't you, Lois?

Gee, folks, uh, three's a crowd,

don't you think?

If you'd rather go back with Eddie,

I'm sure he'd be happy to accommodate you.

Barry,

would you stop this nonsense and let's go.

You one of those

people that hates flying, Barry?

I just wish you people would

keep your private life private.

Barry, you might as well know, mayor franklyn

and I are going... I don't want to hear it!

Hey.

What is this? Do you read this

regularly, mayor franklyn?

Fairly regularly. I miss an issue

now and then, but I try to keep up.

Oh, do you read the informer?

Yes. I'm half owner.

Half owner? And you didn't

know anything about the crime ring?

Oh, Lois, I'm afraid I did.

You might even say I'm the mastermind

behind the underworld robberies.

Take from the crooked rich

and give to the honest poor.

A sort of "modern

Robin hood"? If you will.

But you're raiding

the informer tonight.

Oh, Lois, I'm afraid not.

It's much too lucrative

an enterprise.

Where would I get the money for my social

welfare and low-income housing programs?

Well, what about us? Do you expect us

to just go along with you and do nothing?

I expect you to do whatever

your conscience dictates.

That son of a bitch.

You wouldn't listen

to me, would you?

I told you he was out to get us,

but, no, he was your hero.

I hope last night was worth it.

Whoa!

At least we're still flying. Look,

Barry.

You got the elevator started. How

difficult can it be to land a plane?

Are you kidding? It takes

years to get your pilot's license.

You're taking a crash course.

I saw it in a Doris day film. They talked

her down from the control tower.

The radio. Oh!

The microphone's been cut. Our dear

friend franklyn isn't taking any chances.

How much time do you think we have?

Whatever it is,

let's make the most of it.

Oh, damn. I wish it wasn't too late for

me to make up for the way I've treated you.

It's not!

Ouch! This damn pendant

that troppogrosso gave me.

Is that the one with

the transmitter in it? Yes!

Help! Help! Anybody out there?

Keep talking. I'll see if I

can pick it up on the radio.

What do I say? Say anything.

Sing the national anthem.

Jd Mary had a little lamb

Mary had a little lamb j

one, two, three, four, five, six, seven,

eight. J Mary had a little lamb j

oh, god, please don't let us...

Please don't let us...

It works!

Hello! Come in, please!

We're in a lot of trouble! Would

somebody please hear us? Hello!

Hello out there in radio land.

This is Doris from dream city.

What kind of trouble are you in?

Mother, Lois and I are flying in

a small plane over to New York.

We have no pilot, and we're almost out

of gas. Barry, is that you, dear?

Mrs. Denver, try and contact the

control tower at Kennedy airport.

Just a minute, dear.

I've got earhart on the line.

Who? Amelia earhart.

She wants to know what kind of plane you're

in. Amelia earhart's been dead for...

Mother, tell miss earhart

we're in a cessna centurion.

All right. Just a minute.

It's a cessna centurion.

Oh, dear, Barry.

She says she's not familiar

with that type of plane.

I'll see if I can get Charles Lindbergh.

Yes, Charles is here.

What is it, Charles? What should

they push gently forward on?

Some sort of stick or something.

Ican't quite hear. H-hold on.

I'm getting a message from another spirit,

but it's all in German.

It's baron Von richthofen.

He's very excited. I ca...

No. No, please, baron.

Baron, be quiet and let Charles speak.

You're not helping.

Sie helfen mir nicht. Oh, Barry,

I've got the Wright brothers.

They want to help too, but

everyone's talking at once.

Well, will someone tell me something!

The engine just quit.

Listen, they all agree there's

nothing to landing a plane.

Just find a nice field

or a flat, open place.

I don't see anything like that,

mother. Then they say some nice water.

There's the river. Then just

push the stick gently forward...

Not too much...

And float down to the water.

The important thing is, pull back

on the stick at the last moment...

Just before you touch down.

Do you understand, dear? The water's

getting close. Should I pull back now?

Orville says to wait until just before

splashdown. You only get one chance.

Barry, are you all right? Barry?

Barry?

Oh, Barry.

Opening on

the statue of Liberty.

Any report on that

plane yet? Nothing yet.

Oh, those crazy kids. What made

'em do it? Six minutes to airtime.

Claude, I'd like to run the

last paragraph just for timing.

Could we pick it up from "Lois

thorndyke was my faithful assistant"?

Okay. Uh... uh...

This important night, uh, um,

um, marred by

great personal tragedy,

blah, blah, blah, um...

Lois thorndyke was

my faithful assistant,

as everyone on my staff

is aware.

What few people knew was that in the

short time that we had worked together...

Lois and I had become emotionally

attached... what? Deeply emotionally...

Deeply emotionally attached.

Deeply. Deeply

emotionally attached.

In fact, Lois had agreed...

To become my wife.

In the event of

my reelection tomorrow,

we had planned to announce our

engagement at the victory celebration.

Now all of that

has been swept away.

The terrible airplane accident

which has taken my... we have to assume.

Which we have to assume.

Which we have to assume...

Has taken my beloved Lois

from me,

has dashed all my hopes for

any kind of personal happiness.

I have nothing left now...

But my devotion...

To the people of this city.

Excuse me, Mr. mayor.

Something urgent has come up.

May I talk to you alone?

- Three minutes to airtime.

- It'll have to wait.

I'm sorry, Mr. mayor, I don't think it can.

This is really important.

All right.

Still no word on that plane?

Well, as a matter of fact...

Oh, for god's sake!

What are you doing here?

You mean,

why aren't we dead? I didn't say that.

That's what you meant. It's gonna be a pleasure

sending you down in flames, you rotten...

- Wait till we spill our story.

- Yeah? Who's gonna believe it?

Odo?

You might even say I'm the

mastermind behind the underworld robberies.

Steal from the crooked rich

and give to the honest poor.

A sort of "modern Robin hood"?

Look. We don't really have

time for this. What do you want?

- Your head. - Your career.

- All your silk shirts.

No, no, no, I'm not

talking about revenge.

I'm talking about expediency.

Now what I'm asking is,

what... do... you... want?