Not for Publication (1984) - full transcript

Don't you think a tiger's
tail is her own business, Mr. katz?

When they sign up with me,
their tails become my business.

Give up, cy I we're gonna
get ya sooner or later!

These girls are serious!

Screw you, Maureen! That's Maureen.
She's sore because I told her...

She had to put out for my
investors or turn in her tiger tail.

They're lousy dancers.
You ever see one of my shows?

You may have seen your last one!

Isn't it true your tiger tail revues...
The hottest ticket on Broadway.

Are just a front for
organized prostitution?

What my girls do after
the show is their business.



I hear you take 50%.
Fair's fair.

Hey, cy! Did you tell them
about your little problem?

Hey, Maureen! Your legs stink!

I got great legs,
cy! Guys would kill for legs like these!

I'm putting in for combat pay
for this interview.

Hold it there.

She got me. You all right?

You're really nuts.
You know that, Maureen?

Come on, ladies.
Let's mash ol' cy's potatoes.

It's curtains for you, cy.

- We better get out of here.
- Would you mind giving me a lift to the theater?

Aaah!

Oh, cy, I always
love you. Always.

You are shit, cy,



but you were a great kisser.

Odo! Get us out of here fast!

Okay, flash! You want out,
you got it.

Damn it!

Jim, do we have to amputate?

Jim, do you want to go to the hospital?
No! I'm all right.

Let's just go back to the office and tell that
fat smut peddler to get himself another team.

Ow! Don't use that.
It's got developer on it.

Wait till you see, boss.
It's dynamite.

As good as
the frog baby murders?

Cy katz was knocked off by his own
tigresses. "Sex king killed by cuties."

- Was he doin' it when they got him?
- No, he wasn't doing it.

Cy katz was one of the last of
the old-time showmen. And pimps.

With his death, a whole era of
exploitation of American women...

For Christ's sake, Lois. This is the
New York informer, not Ms. magazine.

This paper used to be
famous for its social...

Yeah, when your father was
alive, but he's dead, Lois.

Sex, scandal and sin.

I think I'm gonna be sick. Bring
me something like the frog babies.

Now that story had everything... incest,
murder and a happy ending.

The mother gave birth to these
deformed triplets, see...

Looked something like frogs...
Frog babies.

Boss, we've heard this before.
The father finds out it's cause...

She had incest with her 12-year-old,
mentally retarded son.

He hacks her and the boy with an ax
and blows his brains out with a shotgun.

The frog babies were left to
inherit his brewery. Rich for life.

Lucky little bastards!
I'd change places with 'em.

- I think they died.
- My arm hurts. I'd like to get the hell out of here.

Why don't you pay me my
money? Let's see the pictures.

Take a good look. They're
the last you're gonna get.

Jim, what do you mean? I mean,
I'm quitting. Right now.

What's the matter?
You want more money?

You kidding? If I was working here for
money, I wouldn't be working here.

The pictures are great. 1
think Jim oughta get a bonus.

A bonus! That's rich.

Jim, wait.

I'm sorry. This creep show is gonna get
along without me. You can mail me the money.

It's not always
gonna be like this.

I'm gonna turn this crummy rag
into a paper we can be proud of.

Not with Mr. toad
running the show.

I know he's gross and awful, but thanks to
him, Louise Thorne is becoming a hot byline.

You talkin' about "Louise
Thorne's celebrity sex diet" or...

"Secret sins of the vice squad"?
What about my welfare scandal piece?

That's the kind of stuff my father
did when he started this paper.

One of these days,
there's gonna be a coup,

and genghis Khan in there is
gonna be out on his frog baby.

When that day comes, Louise Thorne's
gonna be in a terrible accident.

You know who's gonna take
her place? Lois thorndyke.

The New York informer will be the enforcer
again, the paper my father wanted.

I wish you luck. Just stick
it out a little while longer.

Sorry.

Okay. Well, good luck.

So long, Lois.

So, Louise Thorne's gonna have an accident,
huh? Wait till you see the pictures.

Come off it,
Lois. You love being Louise Thorne.

You love writing about who's screwing who
and who's taking testosterone injections.

It was fun for a while. After two years I
realize how ugly Louise Thorne really is...

Cheap and prurient.

Hey, hey! You're just starting
to get good at it.

Yeah, too good. Louise Thorne
sells a lot of papers.

Mencken sold papers.
Ernie pyle sold papers.

Get your head out of your ass!

You're not in the same ballpark with
those guys, and you never will be.

That's your opinion.

My piece on prison conditions...
Didn't sell a single paper!

Sex stories and pretty, pink
pictures... that's what sells.

- The cover on our last issue...
- Almost got us all arrested.

Sorry,
boss. I don't do porno. Hey!

You write what I tell you. You better
come up with a new photographer...

For tomorrow night,
or I'll get Ernie back...

Pushy little bitch!

No more flash, huh?

No. Couldn't take the heat.

He kinda liked you. Well,
you're the only one for me, cutie pie.

So, your mother still thinks
you work for milady magazine.

Odo,
you know the truth would kill her.

Uh-huh. How come she's backing
this Duffy guy for mayor?

Because Hitler isn't available.

With any luck,
Mr. Duffy will be gone by now.

You've missed all the young ones, miss Lois.
There's only the candidate up there now.

Was there an ice sculpture
tonight? Looked just like him.

Lois! I have been
calling your apartment for an hour.

You almost missed our guest of honor.
Sean Duffy, my daughter Lois.

So this is cappy's little girl.

I hear you have quite a way with
a typewriter. 150 words a minute.

We raised almost $100,000 tonight,
darling.

I think Sean can afford you now.

I have all I can do to handle my
job at milady magazine.

It beats me how the daughter of a
pulitzer prize-winnin' photojournalist...

Can waste her talents writing
diet tips for silly secretaries.

- I'll bet the ice sculpture didn't do you justice.
- You're right.

Mother, you always put me on the spot.
I want you to stop it.

It wouldn't kill you to write
a speech or two for the man.

Something on disposing
of the poor?

You can joke, but we don't want another
four years of mayor franklyn, do we?

Well, it's flattering in a way.

At least it makes him
look slimmer.

The first lady said
she had no recollection of the gift.

In the local news, mayoral candidate Sean
Duffy has accused New York's mayor franklyn...

Of presiding over the moral
disintegration of New York City.

Kill that, would you?

Duffy cited the proliferation of pornography
and the recent increase in crime...

Thanks,
cappy. Come here and give me a kiss.

Come on,
cappy. Let's see what kind of day it is.

I don't see any moral
disintegration. Do you?

Okay, okay.

I'll bet Duffy is
behind these robberies.

What are you talking about?
This is tuna fish.

Now, cappy, while I'm at work, I want to
you do the laundry and straighten up a bit.

What? Yes,
honey. I wish we could afford a maid too.

For now, at least,
I'm making ends meet.

I give myself one more year. By then
I expect to be running the informer.

No more cy katz or frog babies.

I'll do the stories dad
would have done...

The risks of genetic manipulation,
civil rights for domestic animals.

You'll see.
Okay, cappy. Be good.

Lois, could you take a look
at franklyn's speech...

For the dedication
of the housing project tomorrow?

It's not bad,
but it could use your golden touch.

Yeah? Who wrote it? I did.

Hey, Bernie,
what is all of this?

Smut poisoning our youth,
gutter publications? What is this?

Didn't you know? Franklyn's
busting the porno 'zines tomorrow.

As he reads his speech,
the cops will be swooping down on...

Tongue, the sex register,
the informer.

Champion of the pure, defender of the
public morals. You know, election time.

Doesn't really need much. Just the end where
it talks about abusing the criminal mind.

Is franklyn in his
office? He's there. Why?

Hey! Where ya goin'?

Do you have a minute? Not now.

I'd like to see mayor franklyn,
please. I'm sorry.

The mayor's in a meeting now,
and after that he's due at...

Thank you. Miss?
You can't go in there.

Excuse me for barging in,
mayor franklyn. I have to see you.

If there were a train like this running
around Manhattan, would you ride it?

It's awfully small.

In three years' time, you'll have to.
You'll have no other choice.

You're finally gonna ban
private traffic?

You see? I told you the public
would buy it. Oh, come on!

If you want my advice,
you're making a mistake with this speech.

Has one of my writers put
his foot in my mouth again?

It's not that. The whole idea of
raiding the alternate press is a mistake.

Mr. mayor,
there's been another robbery.

So what else is new?

The commissioner thinks it
may be prisoners you released.

Does he have positive
identification? No.

Then they're obviously
from Cleveland.

So, what's wrong
with the porno raid?

You'll alienate the very people
you need to get reelected... the kids.

If you attack the underground press, they'll
see it as a suppression of free speech.

You have a point. Did anybody bother to
check the youth's reaction to my porno raids?

We've done a study. Kids don't read
those sheets. They're busy doing it.

Not according to this young lady,
who may have just saved my reelection.

Come here a minute.

Step into my real office.

Have a seat. Do you have a compact? Uh,
yes.

Thanks. I gotta make a speech tomorrow
about something. It's gotta be good.

- Tell me. What do I talk about?
- Your low-income housing project? $200 million...

No, we've already milked
that for everything it's worth.

People are bored with the poor. No,
I need something sexy.

What's this? Your
new official head shot.

What a piece of shit. Makes me look
like sal mineo in crime in the streets.

Why don't you make a speech about
those robberies we've been having?

There are a thousand robberies
a day. Nobody gives a damn.

The public's really getting worried.
Maybe a special investigation or something.

Special investigation, huh? Some kind
of crackdown on organized crime.

Okay. I'll buy it,
if you'll write it.

I don't know who you are,
but I've got a hunch...

You've got the right idea
about this porno business.

I'm gonna write you the
best speech of your career.

Who are you, anyway?
In 25 words or less.

Louise... Lois thorndyke,
just a volunteer,

who happens to really believe
in what you're doing for this city.

How would Lois like to be
my personal assistant?

We could use somebody
with brains here.

What are we paying you? Nothing.

I'll double it. How does
that sound? Much better.

In the meantime, find me
a new personal photographer.

This one obviously can't shoot
his way out of a barn.

Do you know anything
about photography? A little.

I need somebody who can shoot on the run, who's
used to making pictures in all situations.

- You got me?
- I gotcha, boss.

Carlos, can you tell me something
about your background and experience?

Sure. These are some shots
I took of the riots in Miami.

They're mostly the pigs
busting the brothers' heads in.

These pictures I took
for the Amsterdam news,

when the black lords took over
those churches in Harlem... you remember.

Here are some product shots
I made for Doyle Dane.

Tell me, what made you apply for this
particular job? Are you a fan of mayor franklyn?

No, man! It's for the bread.

How much does
this gig pay anyway?

- Well, they want to pay about 200 a week to start.
- Shit.

In New York, I worked
with vogue and bazaar,

let's see, cosmo,
field and stream.

And in Paris, I did a lot with
the Paris vogue and Elle...

And queen.

I take it you haven't done
much in news photography.

No, not actually. I don't feel anybody's
realized the full potential of the mayor's face.

I mean, his eyes and cheekbones. I'd
like to design a whole new look for him.

I assume he won't mind wearing
the tiniest bit of makeup.

I'm sending in the last one,
Ms. thorndyke, then I'm going.

You say that most of your work has
been in ornithological photography?

- Yes, I photograph birds.
- Birds.

For ornithological journals
mostly... bird magazines.

They're a lot harder to
photograph than most people think.

They get frightened very easily.

So I use just
a miniature camera.

Most people think that photographing
birds is a matter of wandering...

Through the woods, but there's a lot
of hiding and climbing and chasing too.

It's very exhausting.

That's why I want to get into
a less strenuous line of work.

That, and the fact that bird
magazines don't pay very well.

I'm afraid this job
only pays $200 a week.

Wow. That's a lot better
than I do on the bird magazines.

And besides, you know, the people you
have to deal with are a little crazy.

Bird people.
You know what I mean.

Mr. Denver, suppose it was late at night,
and you were being chased by birds.

And some of them were,
oh, shooting at you.

Shooting at me? I know
it sounds far-fetched.

Do you suppose you could get good
photographs even in a situation like that?

- I guess so.
- Do you do your own processing?

Yes. Have you ever worked
in a mobile darkroom?

No... never mind.

- Would you like to do a trial assignment tonight?
- All right.

I can't give you the details
of the assignment now.

It's confidential...
Sort of undercover stuff,

but it's very important to
mayor franklyn's campaign.

Where do you live?
651 west 13th street.

I'll pick you up at 10:00.

Oh, do you think
I'll be paid for this?

We'll cover expenses. If you do a good job,
I'll give you an extra 50. How's that?

- It's better than I did with the bird magazines.
- It's a date. See you at 10:00.

An otherwise fine job.

I see you've made
yourself a new friend. Hi.

Hi. How would the new
special assistant like...

To go out to dinner tonight
with the mayor of her fair city?

I'd really like to, except...
Except what?

Except I promised the mayor
I'd write his speech tonight.

Suppose the "mayor"
lets you off the hook.

I'd hate to see the mayor in front of all
those people tomorrow with egg on his face.

Why don't we take our pad and
our pencils and our little eraser.

We'll go up to my suite at the
hotel and order some dinner,

and we'll write
the speech together.

Well, you know we'd never
get anything written.

Uh-huh. Well,
if you have a better offer...

Oh, no. You're the best offer
I've had in a long time.

Would the mayor
give me a rain check?

Risky business. Never know how
long a fellow's gonna stay mayor.

That's right, Jack. He's going to
make a major policy statement.

Times Square, 3:00 tomorrow. Tell him
to bring his assistant, what's-her-name.

Yeah, I'll see you there.

Whatever happened to that girl you were
supposed to marry about six months ago?

You really need a woman
in your life, Claude.

- One the press can write about.
- I had to stop seeing that girl.

I found out at the last minute she
had a touch of republican blood.

It would help if you'd give us somebody...
An official girlfriend, anything.

Remember Nixon's dog checkers.

- Is checkers available?
- I'll check the pound.

Okay, I'll dig up a girl somewhere. Maybe
the pet of the month would like the job.

- Good night, Claude.
- Good night, Fred. Oh. Ooh.

Why don't you call Francine?

Hello? Is Francine there?

No, just tell her a friend
called. All right. Good-bye.

Shit.

Stick with me, baby. There's a
little something to hold you up.

Barbara, will you stop it?

Why did you drag me here?
You know I hate Irish bars.

I thought we were
going to the movies.

This will only take a few minutes.
It's important to the campaign.

Sorry I'm late. I had to take two
cabs to make sure I wasn't followed.

- What do ya got?
- Franklyn just canceled a porno raid scheduled for tomorrow.

Yeah? How come?
One of his pushy assistants.

- I want another ramos gin fizz.
- Go ahead and order one. You got a mouth.

God knows you got a mouth.
Anything on the housing projects?

Any payoffs or kickbacks?
Nothin' yet. I'm workin' on it.

All right. This porno thing is good,
Bernie.

Here's your angle. Franklyn's
afraid he'll lose the youth vote...

If he sits on the
porno 'zines. Excuse me.

- This is boring. I'm going to the ladies' room.
- You've got five minutes.

Okay, Bernie. We'll contact the
globe and break the story.

Let's see his honor
squirm out of this one.

Oh, wait, baby.
Wait! Wait for me!

Awl

yes.

This better be Francine.

Hello. Your assistant, Bernie,
says you canceled your porno raid.

Oh, really?
He's workin' for Duffy.

I never would have guessed.
Catch you later.

Thanks, Barbara.
I'll take care of it.

J as
regularly as coffee or tea &

j you got me in your clutches
and I can't get free j

j you're getting to be a
habit with me can't break it... jj

oh, you're early. I'm sorry.

No, I was going
to meet you downstairs.

Come on in.

Doesn't he
have a splendid voice?

For some reason,
I cannot persuade him to go on the radio.

Mother, I'd like you to meet
miss thorndyke. Lois, my mother.

How do you do,
miss thorndyke? Hello.

I'm Barry's mother. I know,
you probably thought I was his sister.

Never mind. Don't you think my boy would
be a wonderful success on the radio?

Al jolson thinks so. Um, well...

I don't think miss thorndyke is
interested in my radio career.

I'll be back in a minute, Lois.

Of course she's interested. Aren't you,
miss thorndyke? Uh-huh.

Oh, you have very sensitive eyes...
The eyes of an artist.

Do you do anything,
dear? Do anything?

I mean, do you perform? Do you act or sing,
play an instrument?

No, I don't. Oh.

I was always certain all my children would
perform in some manner, but of course...

I'm the only child
you ever had, mother.

I have nothing against photography,
mind you.

There are some
marvelous photographers.

Daguerre, Mathew Brady...

Wonderful man,
Mathew Brady. Mother.

But somehow it lacks the
glamor of a career in radio.

And with a talent
like Barry's...

Well, if I were his mother,
I know what I'd do.

- Aren't you his mother?
- She's my mother, all right.

In name only. He doesn't pay any
attention to anything I say.

He treats me more like
a sister than a mother.

Some people think
we are sisters.

I'll bet you thought so, too,
when you first saw me.

I'm in touch with
everybody, you know...

Marconi, Thomas Edison,
major bowes...

But he won't hear of it.

He thinks there's something
wrong in exploiting his golden voice.

Won't even consider the pleasures he
could bring to millions of unhappy people,

not to mention his
poor old sister.

Let's give Ms. thorndyke a chorus of
"you're getting to be a habit with me."

I'm sorry, mother. Miss thorndyke
and I have to be going.

Don't wait up. We'll see you
in the morning. Come on, Lois.

Great talent is
in the blood, you know.

And blood will tell.
Talent will out!

Jd

J every kiss,
every hug seems to act just like a drug 7

j you're getting to be
a habit with me &

jd

Lois, I'm really sorry
about my mother.

She means well. She
takes getting used to.

I didn't realize major
bowes was still alive.

She's the only one
that really hears him.

This is it.

- It's a milk wagon.
- It only looks like a milk wagon.

Barry, this is our driver, odo.

All right, odo. Let's go.

Barry?

But... I...

The mayor wants us
to keep undercover a lot.

I just... I... wow!

It really is a mobile
darkroom. As advertised.

Gosh, it sure is
great to be working.

I looked all over for a job. The only
thing I was offered was tongue magazine.

- You know, one of those sex sheets.
- Wasn't the money good?

It's not that. It would
have killed my mother.

- I know what you mean.
- She finds out everything.

You can't imagine what it's like
living at home with my mother.

I love her, of course. It's just
she never leaves the house.

- She's always home.
- Doesn't she have any friends?

Not real ones.

You said this was undercover
work. I brought my miniature camera.

I hope that's all right. As
long as the pictures are good.

We're interviewing a man who...

Mayor franklyn knows to be
involved in criminal activities.

Our job is
to get the goods on him.

We're posing as reporters for one of
those underground papers your mother likes.

Which one? Not...

The New York informer.

Senorita Thorne,
I am esuardo woparico.

I am honored to receive
you in my home. Thank you.

Senor woparico... please!

To you, I am esuardo.

This is Mr. Denver,
our photographer.

Mr. Denver, I am enchanted
to make your acquaintance.

Won't you please
come in, please?

Here. Have the glass
of the venezuelan wine.

It is the best what
you could buy... $12.

A bottle? A case.

Senor woparico, why are you
wearing that mask?

Senorita Louise, could you understand
that if I am to be discovered who I am,

there will be very bad trouble.

I will take off the mask,

but you must not take the
picture of me above the chin.

If you don't want people to know who you
are, senor woparico, why are you...

Please! To you, I am esuardo.

Senorita Louise, I am read every day
in the magazines, in the newspapers,

on the television about the call girls,
the madams, the hell's bedroom.

But where is the agent? Nobody
say nothing about the agent.

This is not fair. This is why I decide
to give this exclusive interview...

To set the record straight
about the work of the agent.

So you're an agent. Yes!

I am the agent
for the young ladies.

You like the young ladies? You like
esuardo fix you up with young lady?

Oh, no, thank you,
senor woparico, not tonight.

- Maybe for you?
- Oh, well, it's very kind of you to offer, but this is business.

Sure, sure. Herel

have another glass of wine.
Ask me all what you like.

Our readers would be interested in
how you recruit your young ladies.

Are they mostly drug addicts? Are they girls
from the midwest who are down on their luck?

No, no, no. My girls
is all profesionales...

Secretaries, stewardesses,
meter maids... like that.

- Where do you find these girls?
- When you hunting the elephant,

you look in
the jungles of Africa.

When you hunting
the stewardesses,

you look in the bars
of the east 70s.

How do you get them
to work for you?

My charm. I hypnotize them.

I meet them in the bar.
We talk a little bit.

I bring them back
to my fabulous apartment.

I show them my execu-lounger,
my beautiful electric El greco.

They see that I am the agent
what got the class.

Then I give them
a test assignment.

- I'm on a test assignment myself.
- You are?

Senor woparico, how long
do you keep these girls?

10,000 dates, or until they die.

I wonder if you'd mind giving us a
demonstration of your recruitment technique.

I seen better than this on my
grandmother's Turkey farm.

But since I have
make you the promise,

I will go after...

That small, dark
pink over there.

Over at Macy's... listen,

I have the question for you.

If you have the choice
between the mink coat...

And the Mercedes 300s,
which one you take?

Drop dead.

Listen... huh?

Geez, what a creep.
What's his problem?

Listen,
I have the question for you.

How much do you think
he pays for that apartment?

I bet the mob pays his rent.

What's mayor franklyn
gonna do about him?

You know,
you come on just like a pimp.

I'd take the mink.

Slow down, will ya?
Lift it up a little.

Come on now.

Hey, they took a picture.

My god, I been robbed! They
steal all my beautiful things!

My electric El greco,
my crimans vibrabed,

my stereo hi-fi console,

my 17 silk suits
by Mr. Marco of Milano,

my 15-speed waring blender,

my adler elevator shoes!

Wow! Have you been ripped off.

I can't tell you how
sorry I am about this.

- Are you insured?
- Insured? Are you crazy? Who's gonna insure a pimp?

They must have waited
for you to go out.

It's no possible. Nobody know
I go out tonight, except...

Surely you don't think that Mr. Denver
and I had anything to do with this.

It was your idea we go to that bar
so I show you how I pick up the girls.

Wait a minute. What is this?

You trick me to leaving
my beautiful apartment...

So your friends can come
and steal all my stuff!

My El greco! My blender!
We did nothing of the kind.

You say you work
for that newspaper,

but how I know you really
work for that newspaper?

If you have doubts about our credentials,
why don't you go to the telephone...

And call the editor of the new
York informer and check us out.

Suppose he does? I think
I call some of my boys.

You can call whoever you
like. Come on. We're leaving.

Wait a minute! My boys
want to talk to you.

You tell them to talk to my boss,
Mr. troppogrosso of the New York informer.

Nobody going no place!

My Princess phone. Where is my
color-coordinated Princess phone?

Adios, senor! They stole her!

They stole my poor,
little Princess phone.

Come back
here! I kill you! I cut you up!

Hey, wait a minute, you!

You two come back!

I kill you!

I... oh, wait you...

Aaah!

The pictures look great, Barry.

Oh, you know... I'm glad they came
out. I'm not used to this kind of work.

You came through like a champ, and that was
marvelous, the way you stood up to senor woparico.

Mayor franklyn's going
to be very proud of us.

I don't plan to bore him
with all the gory details.

I'd appreciate it if you didn't mention
anything about it at the office tomorrow.

Oh, sure...

At the office tomorrow? I got the job? Why,
sure.

Your first official assignment
will be tomorrow afternoon.

Come in around 11:30. That
way you can sleep late.

Okay. Great.

- Good night, Barry.
- Good night.

See you tomorrow.

Mayor franklyn, huh?

"Oh, what a tangled web we weave,
when first we practice to deceive."

When I want your opinion,
I'll ask for it.

By then it'll be too late.

This kid is some
terrific photographer.

I wish I had him around when
we did the frog babies story.

They're kinda hard to photograph.
They're always wigglin' around.

We could run this face on the
front page and offer a reward.

These could be the same guys who are
ripping off all... screw the robbery angle.

I want a story about a
ritzy pimp and his hookers.

It's all there. Read my story,
then make up your mind, okay? Hey!

I got something hot
for you tomorrow night.

Ever hear of a joint
called the bestiary?

It's a club, isn't it,
for people with special tastes?

Yeah. They're planning an
orgy tomorrow night. Forget it!

You know how I feel
about hard-core stuff. Hey!

It's not just an ordinary orgy. There're
gonna be some very interesting people there.

Wouldn't I look
just a little conspicuous...

Standing in the middle of an
orgy with my tape recorder?

That's why I got you this little
somethin' here. What's that?

A birthday present? You like it?

It's a little microphone
transmitter combination...

Commonly known as a bug.

Where does it transmit to?
To your recorder.

Leave it in the truck
with the little freak.

Freak! Huh?

I didn't say anything. Oh.

There's one voice in particular
I want you to record.

I understand that the
mayor is gonna be there.

Mayor franklyn? Come on.
I don't believe it.

You'll see for yourself
tomorrow night.

If he is there, I'd like to have
a nice, clear picture of him...

And a good, crisp
recording of his voice.

Is there anything in particular
you'd like to have him say?

Yeah, I'd like
to hear him say this...

Come on, odo.
What? Is he in here?

Never bring him here! I can't stand
freaks! They give me the whoopsie-daisies.

I was cold. Forget it,
odo. Come on.

Out! Out! Where's my ding dong?

We gotta stop meeting like
this. Folks are starting to talk.

You forgot to ask fatso
about my money, didn't you?

Oh, odo,
I'm sorry. How much does he owe you?

Three months. That fat pig.

He doesn't deserve you,
Lois, but I do.

You know, dwarf love
is the strongest of all.

We never let go.

Only death can
douse a dwarf, Lois.

- Louise.
- Does the flash know about your double life and all?

No, and don't go telling
him either, big mouth.

I'll tell him myself,
when it's time.

Uh-oh. Heartbreak ahead.

Fifty-fifty. I got this one.

Odo,
you're practically starving! I got it.

Thanks.

The city really coughed up $200 million for
a low-income housing project on Times Square?

Mayor franklyn sunk a
lot of his own money into it.

To finish it in time for the election.
You mustn't make me sound too altruistic.

Where's Bernie? I didn't
see him at the office.

Bernie isn't with us
anymore. Why not?

He incurred our displeasure. Oh.

Barry, Lois tells me you're
a first-rate photographer.

She showed you the pictures
we took last night? Last night?

I haven't had a chance yet. I'm interested
to know how you're gonna use all that stuff.

- What stuff?
- Just an extracurricular project...

We were fooling around
with last night.

I haven't had time
to fill you in.

After you finished your speech writing,
you mean?

All of us have been putting
in some overtime, haven't we?

I didn't think of it as
overtime. Bet you didn't.

Excuse me, mayor franklyn,
but we're picking her up again.

Who, the crazy lady?

That's right. You
want to hear her? Sure!

- Plug her in. She's always good for a laugh.
- Ooh, ooh.

If you're listening,
mayor franklyn,

because this is a very important
message from Aimee semple mcpherson.

Aimee is very annoyed with you.

She's warned you time and again about the
dangers of salacious literature in this city.

Yet, you continue to ignore her,
and you see the result.

The police have been trying to
locate this transmitter for months.

God only knows how
she found my wavelength.

She says that if you don't
outlaw the sale of pornography...

In this city within 24 hours, she'll
see to it that you lose the election.

Sounds like she's
got my number, all right.

Oh, just a minute. What's that,
Aimee? Barry?

What's the matter?
That's my mother.

Take my advise, mayor,
and do something about it.

As you can see,
franklyn village is a reality.

I'm still waiting for my
barber to pay me the 20 bucks.

You hear that, Rocco?

Any of you happen to see
the New York globe this morning?

"Duffy claims franklyn's
soft on hard-core."

Unfortunately, my opponent, Mr. Duffy,
didn't quite get his facts straight.

The people of this city know
where I stand on this issue.

They're too smart to confuse freedom
of speech with unscrupulous exploitation.

The porno 'zines must go.

Even as I speak, these sleazy
smut and scandal sheets...

Are being closed down by the police,
and they're gonna stay closed.

Parents, I want you to think about that
when you go to the polls on Thursday.

All right. Thank you.
Oh, Lois. Lois!

Would you come over here
for a minute, please?

I'd like to introduce a lady who,
in the course of a few hours,

has made herself into an
indispensable personal assistant.

Her name is Lois
thorndyke... is she cappy's kid?

Yes, she is the daughter of new
York's own cappy thorndyke.

She's the one who reassured me
that these antipornography raids...

Would not be misunderstood by
our responsible and intelligent kids.

I depend on her more than any
other single person on my staff.

And I guess you might say...

She is just about the most
important woman in my life.

I just wanted you to meet her,
and I wanted to thank her publicly.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Lois thorndyke!

Wait till my mother
hears about this.

Hello, boss. This is Lois.
Did they close us down?

You haven't heard? Franklyn sent
the police out to crunch all the...

They didn't touch us, huh?

That's a relief. Yeah,
we're going to the bestiary.

Don't worry.
You'll get your story.

What? Look, I wouldn't count
on mayor franklyn being there.

All right. Good-bye.

Lois, I want to apologize for putting
you on the spot that way this afternoon.

You really are one of the
brightest people on my staff.

You are certainly
the most attractive.

Thank you, mayor franklyn. You didn't
think much of my advice. Call me Claude.

Yes, your advice was sound. There were,
as always... good speech, Claude!

Extenuating circumstances.

How'd you like to let me
make it up to you?

We could get dressed up
and go out tonight.

Forget about work. Let me
cash in that rain check. Dress up?

In costume?
Maybe. What do ya say?

What kind of party will
it be? One of those wild...

For a girl that's been asked out by the mayor,
you have a lot of questions. What do ya say?

I'd like to,
but I have a dinner date tonight. Break it.

You have a good time tonight though. One
day soon we'll cash in those rain checks.

You know, Lois,
rain checks are like parking tickets.

Let 'em pile up,
they're likely to get you in trouble.

This is ridiculous.

How am I gonna go
anywhere like this?

I'm sure major bowes has seen
stranger costumes in his time.

I am not going on
the amateur hour.

I'm gonna take pictures at a
costume party. This is an assignment.

The important thing is
not to be nervous.

Do you know your songs?
Do you remember your routines?

Yes,
mother. I've got 'em down cold. Let me see.

Think the major will like
it? You're gonna be grand.

This is the happiest night of
my life. I'll be glued to my radio.

I know you're gonna win.

Thank you for your confidence.
Don't wait up for me tonight...

But I thought I might... mother!
Remember our agreement.

Why can't I come in too?

Who'd run the tape
recorder? You don't have a costume.

I don't need a
costume. I am a costume.

Let's go. You sure you
understand everything, odo?

Wait three minutes, then push the button.
I'm not brain damaged.

Wish us luck!

- We're counting on you, odo.
- Some people have all the fun.

What makes you think
he'll be here?

He wasn't here last time. He
didn't come the time before that...

What are we gonna do? We'll
tell them we lost our invitations.

Let's sneak in with those people.
Your invitation, please?

Of course he'll be here. He knows
I'll be here, so he'll be here.

Well,
we see if he's here or not. I give $100...

Your invitation, please? We're not guests.
We're working here tonight.

We're entertainers... bird and lamb.
You know, the singers?

Nobody said anything
to me about bird and lamb.

We're probably
last-minute replacements.

Okay. Wait here a minute.

They'll never fall for this. Whoever's
performing is probably here already.

What have we got to lose? The
worst they can do is throw us out.

Think of mayor franklyn. We don't
want to let him down, do we?

That's exactly who
I am thinking of.

The manager wants to see you.

I don't see him anywhere. I don't think
he's here. I told you he wasn't coming.

Good evening. I'm senor scoppi,
the manager.

I understand you are...
Entertainers? That's right.

We sing and dance.

We did not engage any singers or dancers
this evening. There must be some mistake.

We were hired privately.
By one of your guests.

- May I have his name?
- He's an important political figure.

I doubt that he'd want us
to mention his name.

Of course. Right this way.

Jd

Hi. Is everything all right?

Yes,
please. I'd like some cigarettes.

Such a good time last time,
I brought my friend this time.

Just hoping the show's going
to be as good as it was last time.

I hope you will not mind
waiting in here.

The dressing rooms are being
used for something quite different.

This is fine. I'll talk to the bandleader.
You can go on in ten minutes.

You hungry?

Barry, what are we gonna do?
I don't know any songs.

Did you ever see wango
and woogie join the circus?

About a million times on
television when I was a kid.

You know the animal
number they do?

That oughta go over great in
this place. I kinda remember it.

J you're the cat's meow &
mm-hmm.

J I mean you're neater than a
cheetah... j not well enough to...

Don't worry. We'll fake it.

Fake it! Sure. Just follow me.

Boy, if my mother
could see us now.

J you're the cat's meow & meow.

J I mean,
you're neater than a cheetah j grr.

J you are the feline to whom
I make a beeline immediately &

j 'cause, baby j

j you bring out
the beast in me j

j you're the cock of the walk j&

j you're just as regal
as an eagle j

j a pterodactyl & & with whom I
could be tactile, believe you me j

j 'cause, baby j

j you bring out
the beast in me j

j when it comes to
the animal urge j»

j no one can equal mine j

j for with you
the urge to merge j

j is working overtime j

j you got me frisky
as a pup j woof!

J you got me lower
than a boa j sss.

J you're an opossum j & with whom
my love could blossom in any tree j

j 'cause, baby j

j you bring out
the beast in me j

let's skip to the end. Not
now. This is my big solo.

J animals are so absurd &

j when it comes to romance j

j it's all true those
things you've heard j

j animals just wanna dance j

Wow!

Oh!

J of all the pets in the zoo j

j you are the creature
that I feature

j you are the kitten with whom
I could be smitten eternally j

j 'cause, baby, you
bring out the beast j

j baby, to say the least j

j baby, you bring
out the beast j

Jin me dl

yeah!

We really knocked 'em dead.
Where'd you learn to tap like that?

Come on. We gotta find the orgy.

Looks like there's something
going on over there.

Banana? That's my brother!

Allow me to congratulate you
on your excellent performance.

Thank you. We were going to join
our friends... I talked with your friends.

Though they enjoyed
your performance,

they told me it was
not they who engaged you.

An honest mistake, I'm sure, but now I'm
afraid I must escort you to the door.

Oh! I forgot our music.
It's in the kitchen.

Go get it. I'll stay here
with signor scoppi.

Wait a minute. It will
only take a second.

I have a confession to make. We
weren't really engaged by anyone.

We've heard so much about this place,
we just had to see it.

So we made up that story
about our friend.

Charming, but you understand
this could cost me my job.

'Scuse me, pal. Could you direct us to
the center of this evening's activities?

Get down! Get down! Ow!

Oh, yeah! Right over there.

Barry, there's
a holdup going on.

What? There's a holdup!

Just stay loose,
and nobody's gonna get hurt.

All we want is your money and your
jewelry. Get it out and hand it over.

Let's get out of
here. Are you kidding?

I bet those are the same
guys that ripped off senor woparico.

They're not gonna stand around
while we interview them. Of course not.

We're gonna join them. Get
as many pictures as you can.

Don't worry, Ariel. It's all absurd.
I have gold fillings...

I haven't got
very much money with me,

but you're welcome to what I have,
only please don't take my wedding ring.

This is a business,
lady. Hand it over.

Now that will only make
you sick. Come on. Mm-mmm.

You were gonna risk
internal injuries over these?

$300. Sir, you shouldn't carry
this kind of money around.

Please don't rape me. That's all.
Just please, please, don't rape me.

Lady, relax. All we want is your
watch. No one's gonna rape you.

Get away from me,
you. I want him to not rape me.

That's it. Say bye-bye to the
nice people. Don't hurt me.

Nice to meet you.

Odo, are you listening?
Isn't this fantastic?

We're going with the robbers. Follow
their car. Repeat. Follow their car.

Holy Moses!

It's close in here.
Was it crowded coming over?

Mccann, will you stop bitching?
You're gonna be stuck in the tombs.

I'll say! There's a place
the good lord forgot.

Hey, Eddie! What's the matter?

Odo,
we're in franklyn village. Can you hear...

All right,
guys. Put your loot on the table.

Mother of god!
Let's get these masks off.

Uh-oh. Quick. Back here.

Did you bring me my pastrami
on pumpernickel? Mother of god!

We forgot it entirely. Thanks a lot! I asked
you to pick up one simple thing for me.

Will you shut up?
We were stickin' up an orgy.

We had more important things
to worry about.

Never mind, Teddy. We'll all
go get somethin' to eat later.

Like hell we will... wow!
Look at all this stuff.

Incredible.

Right in the middle
of the new housing project.

They sure don't qualify
as low-income tenants.

Let's go to Nick's.
We can get some spaghetti.

I don't believe
this is happening.

I can get some
great shots in here.

Look at all this stuff!
It must be worth a fortune.

Lois, look!

Senor woparico's El greco.

Here's the Madonna and the
execu-lounger. They even got his rolls.

Amazing. We'll get the police to
come back here and ambush them.

Yeah, if we ever
get out of here.

As long as we are here,
let's look around.

They even got camera equipment.

Let's see what's in there.

Lois. What is it, Barry?

There's something
I want to tell you.

My life's been sort of
sheltered up to now...

Living at home with mother and
working with birds, bird people.

Their idea of excitement is
cinnamon in the hot chocolate.

Anyway, I just wanted to thank
you for bringing me out of all that.

This is the most exciting thing
that's ever happened to me.

You sure have a strange
idea of a good time.

Meanwhile,
how are we going to get out of here?

Just leave everything to me.

Okay. Do your stuff.

Aren't you gonna do your
stuff? That was my stuff.

We still seem to be
here. I wasn't finished yet.

How about half now
and the rest on delivery?

Hey, what is this place?
Is that a printing press?

Wait a minute.

It's the New York informer,
with one of my pictures on the front page.

I'll be damned. So this
is where they print it.

How did they get my
photograph? Look at this.

"Robbers rip off prince of pimps.'
Exclusive story by Louise Thorne"?

Louise Thorne? Yeah.

I'm not working for mayor franklyn at all,
am I?

I'm working for the informer. Actually,
you're working for both.

Great. I played a trick on
you. It was only half a lie.

I was desperate. If I told you the truth,
you never would have agreed...

How do you know?
Well, would you?

Of course not.

You're right.

I wouldn't blame you if you
walked out on me right now.

You got it, miss Thorne.

One thing about bird people,
Lois, they don't play games.

Sure, they're crazy and chintzy,
but they were straight with me.

A Mallard was a Mallard,
you know?

I thought Lois thorndyke
was one hell of a gal.

She had fire, daring, guts.
I could've gone for her.

Well, maybe someday Louise Thorne
will grow up to be Lois thorndyke.

And when it happens,
give me a call, huh? If it happens.

Oh, damn, they cut
the power on the elevator.

We stumbled onto
something tremendous here.

This printing press means the informer is
tied in with the biggest crime ring in town.

We tell mayor franklyn about this, he can
bust the syndicate and cash in politically.

- It'll cinch his reelection.
- I'm calling the police.

Let's at least call him first, and if
he says, "go to the police," we will.

We owe it to him. I mean,
we are working for him.

I'm working for him. God only
knows who you're working for.

What are you doing? Listen.
Go into the pressroom...

And see if you can find something sharp,
anything that'll cut these wires.

I hope you know
what you're doing.

Knock it off, will ya? Come on!

See if you can
find some wire too,

anything that'll conduct
electricity.

Okay, okay.

Are these okay?
They'll have to do.

Fuh!

Okay. Get in the car
and start the engine.

- This is never gonna work.
- Don't worry. I learned this trick from my mother.

Come on, baby.

Barry, you did it.

Okay, you guys, quit
complaining about the pizza.

It's the best pizza
I could manage.

It's about time! I'm freezin'
my tail off out here.

Get us outta here quick! Come
on. Once around the block. Hurry!

Wait. Shut up, you guys!

- Who is that?
- I don't know. We'd better find out though.

That's just the way it is.

I've got a ring job
and points and plugs...

I'm going as fast as I can!

Quit complaining about
this car! This car is a classic.

- Hey, that's my typewriter!
- It could be your neck! Which do you want to save?

Sixty-eight,

sixty-nine...

And 100.

Hello.

Oh, Lois. What's up?

At the housing project?

Quite a girl, that Lois.

If you like cobras. She's
gonna get my back pay for me.

Don't hold your breath.

No, no, no.
Don't go to the police.

This is political dynamite. I want
you to come out here right away.

I want to hear the full story.

All right. I'll be waiting.
See you soon.

When we found the printing press
and the copies of the informer,

we realized there must be some connection
between the paper and the thieves.

I'm sure the same man is behind both
operations. We heard them call him the boss.

- Who could that be, I wonder?
- A man named troppogrosso, the editor of the informer.

Troppogrosso? Troppogrosso.

We ought to call the
police. Have them raid their hideout.

In the middle of
my new housing project?

I don't know how they got away
with it. Shall we call the police?

I'm gonna check the foreman on that
construction. There's gotta be a payoff.

Troppogrosso must have
some pretty good connections.

Are we calling the police? No!

No, no, no, not yet. Tomorrow night
is my final campaign speech.

I'm gonna save this and
drop it like a bombshell.

If I can arrange a police raid to coincide
with my speech, it'll clinch my reelection.

I want you two kids up there
on the platform with me.

Mayor franklyn! Gosh! Hey. Hey.

Fair is fair. I believe in giving
credit where credit is due.

You two kids broke this case.
Now come on.

I've made up a bed for each
of you in the guest rooms.

We'll get a good night's sleep, and early
tomorrow morning we'll all drive in together.

I want you both to know
just how proud I am of you.

Good night. Good night.

Hello?

I know it's very late, but you're going
to have to come out here right away.

Something big and... unpleasant
is about to break.

- Lois.
- I'll never be able to sleep unless I tell you.

Tell me what?

I have a confession to make.

That sounds ominous.

I've been moonlighting as a
reporter for the New York informer.

I couldn't tell you
before because...

I know what you think
of the underground press,

but I never knew
about the crime ring.

I guess I should have known about
troppogrosso. Ooh, he's so slimy!

- He told me you'd be at the bestiary.
- What did he tell you?

He told me you'd be at an orgy. He wanted
me to get some compromising pictures of you.

- You really thought I might be there?
- Well,

you did ask me
to a costume party.

Lois,

do you know what would happen if it
were known that my personal assistant...

Was a reporter
for the New York informer?

How would I look?

My raid on the porno zines
would be a mockery. I know.

And as of right now
you have my resignation.

I'll announce it tomorrow on TV,
if you want me to.

Sweetheart, I am very touched
by your honesty,

but it's very late.

You must be exhausted. We'll
talk about this in the morning.

You mean, you're not
gonna fire me?

Oh, Lois, you're
such a little girl.

You're much too valuable
for me to fire.

Besides, how could I fire the
most important woman in my life?

You could say I was
your undercover agent.

Speaking of which,
is that rain check still good?

Come in, chuckles.

I have a bone to pick with you.

It better be damn important to
get me out here at 3:00 in the morning.

And don't call me chuckles.
The name is Charles.

Shut up, chuckles.

You're not my only
surprise house guest tonight.

Oh, yeah? What, you got a broad
stashed around here someplace?

As a matter of fact, I have,
chuckles... a broad named Lois.

The name ring any bells? Lois.

Thorndyke?
What's she doing here?

Miss thorndyke made some
very interesting discoveries...

About your operation
tonight, chuckles.

She made a clean... breast
of everything to me.

Lucky for you, she came here
instead of going to the police,

as her idiot photographer
suggested.

Hey, what are you talking about? What
does she know? She knows it all, you idiot!

She followed the gang to the warehouse.
When she saw the papers and presses,

she put two and two together,
and she came up...

With you, chuckles.

Nosy little bitch. I'll get my hands
on her, and I'll sit on her face.

- Do you have the time?
- Yeah. It's...

You sent her to the bestiary to
get some dirt on me, didn't you?

Some compromising pictures.
Hey! Aah!

Hey, she's lyin'. I...

No, no, no,
you're lying, chuckles,

but you're no good at it.

Why would you want
to blackmail me?

Surely you're not stupid enough to think
that you can run this operation alone.

So what did you have in mind?

Don't be afraid, chuckles.
I won't hurt you.

Hey, boss.
I mean, me and the guys,

we do all the dirty work,
and what do we get for it?

20%. Now you know that ain't
right. We ought to split fifty-fifty.

It ain't right,
you taking all that money.

Chuckles, that money goes to subsidize
new roads and low-income housing projects.

That money keeps me mayor.
I don't take it for myself.

Oh, no, of course not.
Not one penny.

Not one red cent.
I am a modern Robin hood.

And then you got 50%
of the paper. Judas priest!

Yes, but without my protection,
there would be no paper, chuckles.

Well, all I know is,
we carry the concealed weapons,

we drive around with the hot merchandise,
we take all the risks,

and all we get...

Now you listen to me!

I call the shots here, not you.

When I found you,
you were a two-bit hustler...

Right out of the pen for
printing kiddie porn.

Anytime I want to,
I can drop you right back in it.

It'd serve you right if I blew the
whistle on you, you skinny bastard!

Yeah? And who'd believe you?

The mayor of New York,
a rackets boss?

Ha, ha, ha! I'm clean, remember?

There's nothing
to connect you and me.

- Barry.
- What's that? Aah!

Your infantile whimpering is
disturbing my guest, chuckles.

You think I'm making this up?
You think I'm jealous?

I'm telling you,
they're downstairs now. Now come on.

Barry, you're such a sweet guy.

You deserve someone
really terrific...

Who wouldn't keep pushing
your head underwater all the time.

Come on!

I guess they must have
stepped out for a breath of fresh air.

Lois... Lois, I swear to you,

they were standing right here, arguing
about the way the profits were split up.

Troppogrosso said franklyn
takes the lion's share.

Don't worry about him, boss.

When I get through with him,
he'll look like a frog baby. A what?

A frog baby.

You go back to town, chuckles.

I'll take care of this
problem... in my own way.

To finance his building programs,
I suppose. Yeah, exactly.

He calls himself the "modern
Robin hood." Oh, Barry.

I've just been on the phone
with the commissioner.

We've arranged a raid tonight on the
whole crime ring with total media coverage.

Every man, woman and child in the greater
New York area is going to see that man...

What's his name? Troppogrosso.

Troppogrosso arrested.

And I am going to make a speech
about law and order,

which ought to get me reelected,
if anything can.

I owe it all to you two. I'm really
looking forward to that raid.

Would you like to ride in the
lead police car? I can arrange it.

- I'd love to.
- Good. You'll get some terrific pictures. And, Lois...

Well, Lois, I hope you're gonna wanna be
with me when I make that speech, because...

You're gonna play a pretty
important part in that speech, my love.

Would you excuse
me? I wanna get some fresh air.

Yes. We should all get some
fresh air. Now I have a special treat.

I'm gonna fly us all back to Manhattan in my
executive plane. Do you have a pilot's license?

- Barry!
- All ready, Mr. mayor.

All right. Let's go.
We've got a busy day ahead.

I haven't finished my coffee. Barry,
come on.

Eddie, what the hell is that?

Oh, he's with us.
I'll be back in a second.

Do you like
lemon pie? I love it.

- Rough night, huh?
- I don't want to talk about it.

Welcome to the club.

I'm gonna go back in the wagon.
I'll see you later. Oh, Barry.

I wouldn't hear of it. This is
really one trip you shouldn't miss.

Besides, I want a snapshot of Lois
and me together flying over the sound.

It's okay, odo!
I'm taking the plane!

That's a nasty cough you got there,
uh... what's his name? Eddie.

Nasty cough
you got there, Eddie.

You remember Eddie,
don't you, Lois?

Gee, folks, uh, three's a crowd,
don't you think?

If you'd rather go back with Eddie,
I'm sure he'd be happy to accommodate you.

Barry,
would you stop this nonsense and let's go.

You one of those
people that hates flying, Barry?

I just wish you people would
keep your private life private.

Barry, you might as well know, mayor franklyn
and I are going... I don't want to hear it!

Hey.

What is this? Do you read this
regularly, mayor franklyn?

Fairly regularly. I miss an issue
now and then, but I try to keep up.

Oh, do you read the informer?
Yes. I'm half owner.

Half owner? And you didn't
know anything about the crime ring?

Oh, Lois, I'm afraid I did.

You might even say I'm the mastermind
behind the underworld robberies.

Take from the crooked rich
and give to the honest poor.

A sort of "modern
Robin hood"? If you will.

But you're raiding
the informer tonight.

Oh, Lois, I'm afraid not.

It's much too lucrative
an enterprise.

Where would I get the money for my social
welfare and low-income housing programs?

Well, what about us? Do you expect us
to just go along with you and do nothing?

I expect you to do whatever
your conscience dictates.

That son of a bitch.

You wouldn't listen
to me, would you?

I told you he was out to get us,
but, no, he was your hero.

I hope last night was worth it.

Whoa!

At least we're still flying. Look,
Barry.

You got the elevator started. How
difficult can it be to land a plane?

Are you kidding? It takes
years to get your pilot's license.

You're taking a crash course.

I saw it in a Doris day film. They talked
her down from the control tower.

The radio. Oh!

The microphone's been cut. Our dear
friend franklyn isn't taking any chances.

How much time do you think we have?

Whatever it is,
let's make the most of it.

Oh, damn. I wish it wasn't too late for
me to make up for the way I've treated you.

It's not!

Ouch! This damn pendant
that troppogrosso gave me.

Is that the one with
the transmitter in it? Yes!

Help! Help! Anybody out there?

Keep talking. I'll see if I
can pick it up on the radio.

What do I say? Say anything.
Sing the national anthem.

Jd Mary had a little lamb
Mary had a little lamb j

one, two, three, four, five, six, seven,
eight. J Mary had a little lamb j

oh, god, please don't let us...
Please don't let us...

It works!
Hello! Come in, please!

We're in a lot of trouble! Would
somebody please hear us? Hello!

Hello out there in radio land.
This is Doris from dream city.

What kind of trouble are you in?

Mother, Lois and I are flying in
a small plane over to New York.

We have no pilot, and we're almost out
of gas. Barry, is that you, dear?

Mrs. Denver, try and contact the
control tower at Kennedy airport.

Just a minute, dear.
I've got earhart on the line.

Who? Amelia earhart.

She wants to know what kind of plane you're
in. Amelia earhart's been dead for...

Mother, tell miss earhart
we're in a cessna centurion.

All right. Just a minute.

It's a cessna centurion.
Oh, dear, Barry.

She says she's not familiar
with that type of plane.

I'll see if I can get Charles Lindbergh.
Yes, Charles is here.

What is it, Charles? What should
they push gently forward on?

Some sort of stick or something.

Ican't quite hear. H-hold on.

I'm getting a message from another spirit,
but it's all in German.

It's baron Von richthofen.

He's very excited. I ca...
No. No, please, baron.

Baron, be quiet and let Charles speak.
You're not helping.

Sie helfen mir nicht. Oh, Barry,
I've got the Wright brothers.

They want to help too, but
everyone's talking at once.

Well, will someone tell me something!
The engine just quit.

Listen, they all agree there's
nothing to landing a plane.

Just find a nice field
or a flat, open place.

I don't see anything like that,
mother. Then they say some nice water.

There's the river. Then just
push the stick gently forward...

Not too much...
And float down to the water.

The important thing is, pull back
on the stick at the last moment...

Just before you touch down.

Do you understand, dear? The water's
getting close. Should I pull back now?

Orville says to wait until just before
splashdown. You only get one chance.

Barry, are you all right? Barry?

Barry?

Oh, Barry.

Opening on
the statue of Liberty.

Any report on that
plane yet? Nothing yet.

Oh, those crazy kids. What made
'em do it? Six minutes to airtime.

Claude, I'd like to run the
last paragraph just for timing.

Could we pick it up from "Lois
thorndyke was my faithful assistant"?

Okay. Uh... uh...

This important night, uh, um,

um, marred by
great personal tragedy,

blah, blah, blah, um...

Lois thorndyke was
my faithful assistant,

as everyone on my staff
is aware.

What few people knew was that in the
short time that we had worked together...

Lois and I had become emotionally
attached... what? Deeply emotionally...

Deeply emotionally attached.

Deeply. Deeply
emotionally attached.

In fact, Lois had agreed...

To become my wife.

In the event of
my reelection tomorrow,

we had planned to announce our
engagement at the victory celebration.

Now all of that
has been swept away.

The terrible airplane accident
which has taken my... we have to assume.

Which we have to assume.
Which we have to assume...

Has taken my beloved Lois
from me,

has dashed all my hopes for
any kind of personal happiness.

I have nothing left now...

But my devotion...
To the people of this city.

Excuse me, Mr. mayor.

Something urgent has come up.
May I talk to you alone?

- Three minutes to airtime.
- It'll have to wait.

I'm sorry, Mr. mayor, I don't think it can.
This is really important.

All right.

Still no word on that plane?
Well, as a matter of fact...

Oh, for god's sake!
What are you doing here?

You mean,
why aren't we dead? I didn't say that.

That's what you meant. It's gonna be a pleasure
sending you down in flames, you rotten...

- Wait till we spill our story.
- Yeah? Who's gonna believe it?

Odo?

You might even say I'm the
mastermind behind the underworld robberies.

Steal from the crooked rich
and give to the honest poor.

A sort of "modern Robin hood"?

Look. We don't really have
time for this. What do you want?

- Your head. - Your career.
- All your silk shirts.

No, no, no, I'm not
talking about revenge.

I'm talking about expediency.

Now what I'm asking is,
what... do... you... want?