North by Current (2021) - full transcript

In this world, most
people think that who you are

is a compilation of things
that've happened to you

or a series of choices you made,

maybe the circumstances you were born into.

Did you choose the right friends?

Did your mother love you good enough?

How did you become who you became?

Hey. How are you?

Good.

I'm doing it now.

What's the weather like there?



Do I need hats and gloves and stuff or?

Okay.

You gonna tell me what happened?

Case dismissed.

Thank God.

You know, I guess they could do anything.

But it'd be awfully hard
to accuse her of murder

when she was found
not guilty of child abuse.

Did she say that?

I mean, there wasn't very far after that

the prosecutor could go.

Red Wings beat the Ottawa
Senators 3 to 2 last night.

98.5 UPS. The morning hustle.
Good morning.

♪ She's the kinda lady
Gonna love you twice



♪ Ain't gonna take
no preachers advice

♪ She's coming on me
like a hurricane.

♪ I got to see the movie
'cause her body's insane

♪ I'm gonna save
your soul sister

♪ I'm gonna save your soul

♪ I'm gonna save
your soul sister

♪ I'm gonna save your soul... ♪

Maybe I just heard about like

the teenage years or something.

To remember something
means to dismember memory.

The town I grew up in is 10 miles south

of the 45th parallel.

That's the halfway point between
the Equator and North Pole.

It's an old sawmill town,

surrounded by lakes,

split by rivers and highways.

It's said that when you enter this town,

you enter the River Time Zone,

where time has no meaning.

- Gramma?
- What.

You cream them together.

-I guess it went well.
He's not in jail.

So...

I haven't asked anybody,
though, how it went.

But I guess it went okay.

But we were really expecting
the worst because, you know.

- Uncle Dave, you wanna say it?
- Sure.

Eternal Father in Heaven,
we gather together as family

to celebrate this
Christmas time of the year.

Remember those members of
our family that are not with us,

long since departed, and are
grateful for their direction

and guidance through our lives.

Pay particular
attention to them at this time.

We also celebrate the life
of our savior and brother,

Jesus Christ, this time of the year.

In the Mormon tradition, your blood family

is an eternal bond:

a unit that exists beyond the mortal world.

And parents have no greater responsibility

than to raise children.

Dang. I got way
too many grand-kids in here.

Wanna see a picture of them?

How come you guys don't keep any

more recent pictures
of me around the house?

- In here?
- No, around the house.

-I don't know.
Ask your mom.

We've got one of Anthony, Freddy, and Anna.

Can you see her stubby
little toes on that screen?

Sticking up above that
thing. Get your feet down.

-I'll put 'em down.
She's not filming yet, is she?

He.

Making a snowman for Angie.

Oh. Falling apart.

Hey, Angela!

When you leave a place, the place

goes on living without you.

This is painfully obvious,
yet humans manage to

forget it over and over.

How are you gonna tell?

How's he gonna know when to close?

He'll wrap it up.

He doesn't need to keep going on and on.

Okay.

Let's get this over with, guys.
No mess ups.

OK.

So, when you're ready for us to start,

just say, "Action" so I know to start.

Action.

Are you having breakfast,
or are you having lunch?

I'm having breakfast.

What are you doing, Jess?

- Probably lunch.
- Lunch?

You've never been much
of a breakfast eater.

♪ Well, where, oh
where can my baby be?

♪ The Lord took her
away from me

♪ She's gone to heaven,
so I got to be good,

♪ so I can see my baby
when I leave this world... ♪

- What are you having, Jesse?
- Probably a sandwich.

All right. Hamburger?

How much longer is this gonna be?

♪ There in the road,
straight ahead... ♪

Did you get what you needed?

♪ The car was stalled
The engine was dead

♪ I couldn't stop, so
I swerved to the right

♪ Never forget the
sound that night... ♪

This event has happened three times now.

Once when you just watched it,
once when I staged

and filmed it, and then
the first time, when four days

after Kalla's funeral,
we walked into this diner

and sat down for lunch.

It was my sister's first time
out of the house in two weeks.

What's happening Grandma?

There's Uncle Madsen.

He's definitely Uncle Madsen.

From the silence,
this song came on the jukebox.

♪ Where oh where
can my baby be...

Was that the music that was
playing in there that day?

That was pretty ironic.

No one seemed to notice it but me.

- Makes me wanna cry.
- I know.

I can't believe that was on there.

Probably a sandwich.

How much longer is this gonna be?

I've periodically
considered the possibility

that I dreamt this.

But I'm so certain it happened.

My mother's crying because
the song is about a lost baby.

Yep.
Pretty good over there.

33 loads of lumber this week.

33 semi-loads of
hardwood lumber shipped out.

Here, I'll show you something else.

Mom, you.
I think that's you.

That's me.

Jesse and Kalla.

Our little Kalla when she was a little,

sweet little baby.

And Kalla shortly before she died.

I wanna pause a moment to clarify

that this is not an image of Kalla.

For some reason, I just feel like

I can't share those right now.

Albeit hazy, it is absolutely
an image of my sister, Jesse.

You know, when we went
over to Cadillac that morning,

we were driving over, it was a morning

just like this in February.

It was all gray.

Seems like a little bit
of sun was peeking out.

It was snow-covered.

Jesse called me, crying, and said,

"Mom, I'm in the back of the police car,

and the ambulance is in front of me.

And we're on our way
to the hospital with Kalla.

I found her in her crib
this morning not breathing."

And then the numbness
set in and the funeral.

And Jesse was just kinda out of it.

Oh. And then the investigation
of how she died set in,

and then our second nightmare

on top of our first nightmare began.

You know, at first at the
hospital when we asked what

happened, they had no reason
to believe there was anything

but a tragic accident.

So, we were kinda shocked
when we saw that changing.

And he, Golnick came to our house

and started questioning us.

They came constantly, night and day.

They would try to come at night.

They'd try to get you
to be a little sleepy,

or they'd hope that you
have a little drink in you

or something like that, you know.

And they'd come 9, 10, 11:00.

Then they'd come back at 8 in the morning,

9 in the morning.

Doctors and police and
stuff, they're swearing to it,

that you committed this murder.

And you're like, "Who am I?

I'm some ex-convict with a violent past,

and they're gonna
believe me over five doctors?"

Here you can have this one.
You can have it.

That's too much JoJo.

...build the electoral

college to safeguard the American people

from the dangers of the demagogue...

Two weeks after Kalla's death,

my sister married David.

The first time I met him
was at the funeral.

They'd been living together
less than a week when she died.

Because Jesse was believing
in David and not leaving him,

then they began to suspect perhaps

Jesse had something to do with it.

And CPS got involved, Child
Protective Services, and...

they charged her
and David with child abuse.

Hello, Jesse!

What do you say when you console a child

from a nightmare?

You tell them that it will be okay,

that nothing will hurt them.

As if they have some kind of
special immunity from suffering.

No, no, no.

Daddy told you not to give the puppy that.

When they discover
that they are not immune,

they will hold this lie against
you for the rest of your life.

Baby.

Shh, you're okay.
Yeah, you're okay.

What else?

You wanna hear about our other kid we lost?

Well, we've lost two: a
grandchild and a daughter.

We had a little girl named Angela.

She was quite the character.

And we never talked about it before,

but she was quite the little sweetheart.

So, you would equate my
transition with Kalla's death.

Well, you got all the memories

of a little girl growing up.

I think it would
be the same thing if you had

a child and something
happened to that child,

and they no longer were the same person.

You would grieve, you know,
who they were for the years

that they were someone different.

You wanna go to the beach or not?

And once I realized I
had to grieve that as a loss,

then it helped with my
acceptance a lot better,

in regards to your decision to transition.

Earlier today, my
parents told me I was dead,

and they had to grieve me.

If I hadn't been so completely
caught off guard

by this comment, I maybe
could have responded.

But I was shocked because...

I've just worked so hard to be alive.

Fuck.

Ugh.

It's really beautiful out right now.

I don't know if you can see.

Might be too dark.

Zeus's daughter, Aphrodite,

could transform herself
into a fish to swim from harm.

But long gone are the
tales of shape-shifting,

sex-changing gods.

In this world, there's no
escape from pain, nor body,

time, nor death.

The death certificate was issued.

And on the death certificate
was "Homicide and child abuse

that occurred monthly,
weekly, daily."

And that probably was...

It said that on the certificate?

- Uh-huh.
- It said, "Monthly,

weekly, daily?"

Uh-huh. And
that was probably the point

when we knew something was
wrong because we had Kalla.

We had Kalla three days prior to her death,

and we knew there was
no beating or bruising

monthly, weekly, and daily.

'Cause we would've had
to be involved in that.

Rusty Rivets.

Pathologists stated that
Kalla died of acute brain bleed,

she was slammed against a wall,

and that she had bruises all
over her body and was beaten

and abused for quite a while.

Golnick's been down there before on cases,

and they've known each other and go,

I'll tell you exactly what he
said to me and what I believe

he probably said to her:
"This guy's a scumbag

and he's been in jail before,
and he killed this baby.

And we're gonna get him," you know.

And then she just kinda let
the report slide the way,

lean toward the way he wanted it to go.

All right.

You can edit stuff out, right?

Yeah.

So, I was kept in complete isolation,

maximum security, one hour
a day out of my cell.

And just constant, people yelling,

"Baby killer! Baby Killer,"
everywhere I went.

To stay sane in jail, I just prayed a lot,

and I wrote Jesse letters like nonstop.

Oh, an apple!

Huh?

- Uh-oh!
- Where'd it go?

If Jesse doesn't get to
a point where she ever wants to

talk to me, I'm not gonna like,
try to make...

I think she'll talk to
you, I just don't think that...

She's been forced to relive
the events of that weekend

so many times that it
just sets her back mentally.

And that's just not how she copes.

That's not her coping mechanism.

-Mom, I can't hear it!
I can't hear it!

Mommy, I can't hear it!!

There.

When David was released for the last time,

Levi was 11 months old.

You go to jail!

You go to jail!
You're the bad guy!

No, I'm not the bad guy, I'm Batman!

All right.

I'm in jail now.

Can I come out of jail?

- No.
- Why?

Because you can't!

Levi.

Are you gonna try to use this stuff

and kinda make a film of it?

You haven't decided yet how
you're putting it together?

Well, I'm trying to weave these different

strands of stories.

I hope for the sake of Kalla
that you can present it

in a way that's not...

vile.

"Vile" may not be a good word, but well,

sometimes your work can be very...

I don't know what the word for it is,

but sometimes your work
can be kinda out there.

The vileness my mom's referring to is

my reverence around sexuality.

To me, sex is a cosmic thing,
inherently linked to death

because both are conduits to other worlds.

Both are about endings but also beginnings.

Pick up the pears for me, Levi.

You don't get to the pregnancy

and giving of life part
without the sex part.

What do you got?
Carrots?

Uh-uh.

No one knows that
more intimately than mothers.

Your mother is the first awesome miracle

that will haunt you your whole life.

♪ When Heaven made you, darling,

♪ They made a dream come true

♪ And I'll always thank Heaven

♪ for sending me you

♪ An angel, sweet and
perfect, in everything you do

♪ And my darling- ♪

Only getting into the mid-20s today,

a little colder,
northwest winds gusting to 25.

Snow showers will diminish after dark.

In fact, after dark, pretty quiet tonight.

Late tonight, a little snow, mainly north

as our next system arrives.
Winds turning out of the south.

Temperatures staying around 20.

And then tomorrow, occasional snow showers,

highs in the mid...

There's us.
We're in bed.

Say, "Good morning, America."

Can you say, "Good morning,
America?"

Morning, good morning, America.

Good.

Up at 7:30.

All three diapers changed
as soon as I wake up.

Then breakfast at 8:00
for all three including,

for the three babies and the bigger kids.

Then, when breakfast is done,
clean up breakfast,

cartoon time, and then
it's gonna be snack time.

And after snack time is all done,

then it's gonna be nap time.

And 12:00-3:00 is what
I call "quiet time."

After that, then it's just chaos,

but my day's almost over.

Two months after Kalla's death,

my sister was pregnant with Levi.

This cycle repeats itself three times.

One, two, three.

Three children for three years gone.

Do you think that
Jesse's repetitive breeding

is a way to fill that hole?

Yeah. I think
that she really,

what's the word I'm thinking about,

yearns to hold that baby in her arms.

And once those babies start to get bigger,

they don't give her that same feeling.

I have another question for my mom,

but I can't quite figure out how to ask it.

So, I ask around it.

♪ But for me, a sinner,
He suffered,

♪ He bled, and died ♪

It was only shortly
after Kalla had passed away,

and there were some new missionaries

that came out from Idaho.

And we were telling them
our story, and one day

they said, "You know,
we have a church member

that is a pathologist.

He might be able to give you a
second opinion of the autopsy."

We met with Dr.
Ormsbee after church on Sunday,

and he took the autopsy report.

And it was old blood
that was on the slides.

He said, "That baby was not abused.

That baby died of a
chronic brain bleed."

And a chronic brain bleed
is one that's been going

for probably weeks or months.

My mom believes the doctor was a messenger,

a testament to the
truth of the Mormon faith.

She also believes that there are many gods

and goddesses in the cosmos.

That in the celestial kingdom,
1,000 years is equivalent

to a single day.

And that after death, the physical body

will be reunited with the spirit body.

And while she's been telling those

of us around her that she loves us.

Today she's telling heavenly father

how much she loves him.

You're watching a video from my baptism

when I was eight years old.

I wouldn't trouble you with this memory,

but I have to tell you that
when I came out of the water

that day, everything felt different.

Because when you have a
revelation, you acknowledge

a need, a desire for something outside

and beyond yourself.

1991, Angela just got baptized

in Lake Margrethe.

There's Angela!

You start assessing the borders between

belief and truth.

What you know and what you trust.

An I-Team investigation uncovers

the child abuse convictions
of dozens of people in Michigan

are now being called into question.

And the tragic
death of a three-year-old girl

here in West Michigan has
opened up some new conversations

about whether innocent
people are sitting in prison

for crimes they did not commit.

Tonight, the I-Team's
Brian Duffy shares his findings

in a special report.

Research is casting doubt on...

They knew that if David and
Jesse were found not guilty of

child abuse, what would that
do to their criminal case?

So, they ultimately ended up
dropping the criminal case.

Does Jesse ever talk
about anything that happened?

No, Jesse don't talk about Kalla at all.

At first, I wanted to
make a film about injustice.

And here we are.

You know hardly anything
about the investigation,

and you know the tip of the
iceberg about a random family

in nowhere Michigan.

Get some popsicles.
The kids love popsicles.

This is what they like, right here.

I would, however, like
to take this moment to tell you,

that the lead detective on this case is now

a dogcatcher somewhere in Florida,

and the corrupt Child
Protective Service worker

got fired after leaving
a bar drunk to pick up

a four-year-old child.

It was all bits and pieces, really.

Definitely not something
I like to try to remember

or talk about.

Well, I'm gonna take my favorite duck home.

What's your favorite duck?

- This one.
- Why?

Look at it.

Look at the wood patterns on the wood,

block of wood it was carved out of.

You can see parts of the red in the eye.

Memory must be created against

an abundance of information.

But also against an absence.

It has to be constructed.

You assemble the fractures,
arrange the incidences

to build a story.

Notice the surge of Arctic air settling

across the Central Plains.

We'll see our temperatures
actually tumble on Saturday...

The moment something
terrible ends is the moment

you begin to ingest
how terrible it really was.

Children dying.

It's got to be emotionally draining.

There is an ever-present sense of loss.

She's constructed an
emotional shield to protect

her unconscious from turmoil.

- Uncle Mad...
- What the fuck? Jesse!

Jesse! Dad, call 911.

Jess, let me in!

Jess, please let me in.
- What's happening?

Jess, please let me in, honey.

What's happening?

Hi, I need an ambulance immediately.

I want mama.

Hello, my sister's unconscious
so we called 911.

What's happening with Momma?

What's happening?

Did Momma die?

You know, I, she...

You know, the depression is so deep that

she doesn't even, she can't make good,

safe decisions for those babies.

Last six weeks...

last six weeks she's been behaving

like she used to behave
when she was on drugs.

What happened yesterday
was really just a manifestation

of what has been
happening since Kalla died.

You put it away, but it doesn't go away.

You know, I think the fact that
she wouldn't reach out to you

when you were right there just
goes to show you how she copes.

She...

She came in, and
she did that laughing thing

- that she does.
- Mmhmm.

And I...
didn't, I didn't,

you know, I don't know.
I didn't think to...

- Well, you don't.
- What to say or do.

Yeah. Or you don't think that
she's in distress because she,

that's how she laughs it off.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

I think the revisiting
of this story with you,

even to the simple little thing
that probably didn't hit us

so hard was going to Steven's.

Because that was something
we had done together. And...

Did you remember that we had done that?

Mmhmm. I remember
that we had done that.

I remember the surreal-ness of that.

And I suspect even if she didn't
really remember it consciously,

that there was some of that
circular grieving that was

starting to surface in her.

My sister is the most
impenetrable person I know.

I've been trying to understand
her since her first overdose,

over 10 years ago.

But I wasn't always trying.

Jesse, you know, looking back,

she is so resilient and such a survivor.

'Cause, you know, she always
felt like she was not as smart

or as talented as you.

And then as we got older, you know,

life became such a struggle for you,

and some of your demands
became so overwhelming for us.

And then Jesse started having problems,

but she didn't wanna tell us
because she felt like

we had our hands full with you.

And then when she got pregnant for Kalla,

she came and moved in with us

and gave up all the drugs
and focused her life on Kalla.

So, Kalla was a blessing in that sense.

Most humans emerge
into the world with a name,

a family, a neighborhood.

Your insides are filled with
memories of togetherness

and alone-ness, mixed
with limitless desires,

sensations of unspeakable
beauty, awe, mystery.

But children of a certain age
believe that fate is moral.

That bad things happen
because you were bad.

Well, you hung around with a pretty strong

group of friends.

And none of them became
addicts, and you did.

That makes you wonder why
were you the one of all of those

that became an addict?

Rich kids, who grew up in mansions

would get addicted to drugs.

Anybody can get addicted to drugs, Mom.

What do you think, Madsen?

I sorta checked out
over the last couple minutes.

Sorry. What?

She was saying that
it didn't make sense that...

I just had a thought that I was like,

"I need to check out
from this conversation.

- It's too intense."
- Aw.

Everything is too intense for you!

Can't you just, like, slow your brain down?

Like, don't think so hard.

I screwed up at the end.
I said the wrong part!

Don't worry about it.

It's okay.
You ran out of tape.

You were an angry teenager.

One time, do you know what you said to me?

You said to me, "I'm gonna
push you out that window

and take pictures of
your decapitated body."

Yeah, you were a fruitcake.

You had problems growing up,

probably because you were
a man in a woman's body,

and you were taking it out on me.

Whoa, baby!

Show us them muscles in your arms.

You were abusive.

You were emotionally
and physically abusive.

And you're probably why I had
a drug problem when I grew up.

There's no other times
you felt taken care of by me?

Mm-mm.

No, no other times I can remember.

Big feelings scare me.

This is well documented by my
trail of failed relationships

with emotionally expressive
people who feel that I have

what may be called an empathy problem.

I don't know if this is
something I developed

or just always had.

Tell me.

Is stoicism only for men?

♪ When I was a little boy,
taken from my mama,

♪ Down the dusty road,
never seen again

♪ Gamble all my money,
drink all my money,

♪ Give you all my money,
just tell me what to do

♪ Oh, oh, I sing
these blues... ♪

Some things are so ingrained in you that

it's hard to get rid of them.

You're kind of a
product of your environment,

but you can only blame
that to a certain extent.

Once you're an adult,
you have to start making

your own decisions and choices, so.

Get back.

You can't go through life saying,

"My daddy spanked me or was an alcoholic,

so I'm gonna be a piece of
crap the rest of my life."

That's not really part of growing up

and having accountability.

In your world, there's a
tension between what it means

to be a good man and what
it means to be a real man.

You are told that fracturing is unbecoming.

That a picture of wholeness
is by far more satisfying.

Stronger.

Snotface?
Are you a snotface?

I can see him sitting in the chair.

- Is he awake?
- Uh-uh.

Passed out?

I can tell when I'm looking at him,

'cause he looks different,
you know what I mean?

You know when you know
somebody well enough,

you know when they're like...

Yeah, you know when they're fucked up.

'Cause I could see him through the window,

and he was just like this, in the chair.

Oh, you can't be around it.

You're not strong enough yet.

I'm going around seeing shit, you know.

Like obviously, I can't be the...

You're not the rock right now.

...the strength
of the relationship. Huh?

- You're not the rock right now.
- No, yeah.

-And that's okay.
People take turns being rocks.

- That's right.
- But like...

If he's in re-, he'll never,
he needs rehab.

And he would hate that,
absolutely hate that.

'Cause his dad was always in
rehab when he was growing up.

What day are you leaving?
- Tomorrow morning.

Madsen! You told me you were
gonna stay the extra day.

I did. Today is the extra day.

- It is?
- Mmhmm.

No.

Because my psychiatrist
appointment is tomorrow at 2:00.

The extra day that I was staying was for

David's arraignment this morning.

Shit!

Okay.
Well, how about Friday?

Madsen!
You dick.

We just had a brilliant idea.

My mom asked the church elders about me.

They tell her that if God truly
intended for me to be a man

then I'd be given the correct
genitals in the afterlife.

I'm clearly not the only one
who puts sex and death

in the same sentence.

My dad believes that it's
our human duty to reproduce.

He had a revelation.
He had a visit.

Because before Christ can return,

all souls must populate a body.

It's our human job to offer
those souls a body to occupy.

In this line of thought, a
body that does not reproduce

is inherently less valuable.

Are you less valuable?

What do you got Ang?

Ah, a little baby.

Jesse got a baby too.

Where, how do babies, how does the baby

come out of my belly?

You push it out your butt?

Mmhmm.

Oowie!

And do you want it to
be a baby boy or baby girl?

- Me?
- Yeah.

I'm not going to be a baby!

No, the baby in my belly.

You want it to be a baby boy or baby girl?

Levi, Levi.

You didn't say anything about it.

- Whoa! Owie!
- Are you happy about it?

Yeah! Aren't you?

Stoked!

You guys are all party poopers.

Wheeee!

Ooh. Ow.

Uncle Madsen! Uncle Madsen!

Hey, stop!

You stop messing with my clock, mister!

Ancients thought that time was cyclical,

related to the rotation
of the celestial bodies.

The movement of stars and planets.

It's only since the Christian
re-definition of time

that you think about time as irreversible,

with a beginning, genesis,
and end, apocalypse.

Would you like to tell them now?

I know this is non-linear, but I have

another piece of
an earlier story to tell you.

A month before Kalla's death,

she fell down the stairs.

She suffered a slow brain
bleed that was undetected

by the immediate ER visit and CT scan.

To add pain to pain,

she had tripped on her blanket.

She was in the process of seeking comfort.

David was watching her.

Close your eyes,
and tap your heels together

three times, and think to yourself,

"There's no place like home.

There's no place like home.

There's no place like home."

- One.
- There's no place like home.

- Two.
- There's no place like home.

Goodbye, Dorothy!

What do you think?

It's improved
drastically from the last one.

From when we were in school?

No, just from the last one I took Levi to.

They didn't have microphones or
anything with Levi here before.

Or wands.

All right, what do you want to eat?

Whatever.
You gotta be hungry, too.

I am, but I'm not really eating
fast food right now, so.

I'll eat at the house.

Oh. So, you're just not
going to eat anything?

I'll make something at the house.

- So, are you buying my food?
- Yeah, I'm buying your food.

Um... Taco Bell, or?

Are you wearing a seat-belt?

- No.
- Put a seat-belt on.

I forgot.

Oh my god, turn it up.

♪ Whispers at the bus stop

♪ Well, I've heard about
nights out in the school yard

♪ I found out about you

♪ I found out about you... ♪

So, Sherry called me about, I don't know,

7:00 in the morning,
'cause we started at 6:00.

She says, "Fred,
I got a problem."

I said, "What?"

She said, "David's
drunk at work here."

I said, "Oh, really?"
She says, "Yup."

She says, "Would you come
and take him in for his test?

'Cause I think it'd kinda
be awkward if I tell him.

I didn't want him to..."

You know, I think they were leery about him

getting aggressive or something.

But I said, "All right,
I'll be there."

So, I zipped into work there and...

definitely drunk.

He's got a few addictions.

So, Mom and I been
praying every night for that.

There's a car.

- They're here!
- Who's here?!

Hi, Benny!

We're all really sick.

We got a bad cough and cold, so make sure

you sanitize your hands a lot.

Please don't tape record me now.
Are you serious?

I haven't taken a shower
in like three days.

Take him, Mom.
I'm working up a sweat here.

When David is at his worst,

Jesse and all the kids
stay at Mom and Dad's.

He visits, but only during the day.

He doesn't wanna talk to me anymore.

What are you doing?

I see you got your tooth fixed.

-Mmhmm.
It's still sensitive.

Yeah.

Like, I prefer to drink out of a straw.

Her teeth were replaced this week.

She says she fell in the shower.

Everyone believes her.

Only happens to me, this kinda stuff.

Yeah.

What do you think
it is about you that attracts

this kind of fun stuff?

I guess God thinks I can handle it,

but apparently he's wrong.

You know how they say you
don't get what you can't handle?

You know what I mean?

What kinda jet is that?
Papa probably knows.

Papa used to be in the Air Force,

and he would fly on a plane like this.

Gram, would this kill somebody?

So, he brought the picture
of Kalla out a couple weeks ago,

and he said to me,
"Gramma, who's this?"

And I said, "That's Kalla."
And he said, "Who's Kalla?"

And I said, "Kalla
was your older sister."

And he said,
"Well, where is she?"

I said, "Well, Kalla died."

And he said, "Well,
where did she go?"

And I said, "Well, when
you die, you go to Heaven."

And she said,
"Well, how did she die?"

And I said, "She fell
and hit her head."

And he said, "Where was my mom?"

And I said, "Well, your mama
wasn't there when she fell."

But I didn't bother to say that
your daddy was home with her,

but I said, "Your mama
wasn't there when she fell."

And then he was like, "Oh."

And then he never asked any more questions.

He didn't say, "Where was Daddy?
Where was Papa?"

He said, "Where was Mama?"

'Cause I guess he's convinced
Mama would have stopped it

from happening if Mama would've been there.

In early life, the
veil between worlds is lowered.

But when children develop
memory and imagination,

they also begin to understand time.

There are things that were
and things that are

and things that will be.

You know, there's the grief of losing...

the grief of losing all
those rites of passage

that you experience with a child.

And those are all taken from you.

Because that's changed,
it's a hard thing to adapt to.

Sometimes it's unclear if Mom is talking

about you or about me.

She's talking about you.

You, who is very much alive.

But also you.

Some endings are
lost in a sea of beginnings.

I know.

Look at how awake you are!

Look how awake you are, little guy!

- Mom, can I hold him?
- Sure, come on up.

Let's wrap him up first
so he stays nice and warm.

Okay, lean against the couch.

All right, are you comfy?

Oh, I don't, I don't
actually wanna hold him.

I'll stay right by you.

- No, I don't.
- No? Okay.

You just wanna check him out?
- Mmhmm.

Okay.

He's nervous.

Lookit!
Uncle Madsen, look over there!

- Fireworks.
- Huh?

- Fireworks.
- Why?

I feel a deep sense of sorrow for this man.

For the things that've happened, but also,

because he was never told
that being a good man

is the same thing as being a good person.

♪ Been wasting my time
talking to you

♪ it just don't do me no good

♪ you can turn my way
or you can walk away

♪ or you can love me
like you should

♪ Well, I can- ♪

Great temperatures!
The heat continues on.

Yeah, you're
right: a nice weekend coming up,

at least Saturday, as you mentioned.

Maybe a little rain later Sunday.

We'll talk more about that
coming up in a few minutes,

but it was a nice day today.

Humans create stories to explain things,

to understand the world they occupy.

You already know that.

But when you lie to yourself long enough,

you begin to believe a
particular version of a story.

Hang on.

- Are you ready?
- No.

Ugh, the camera.

First, tell me what
really happened to your teeth.

My teeth got kicked in by my husband.

And I'm all fixed.

But they're chipping off again.

See? Right there. But...

Why did he do that?

He was drunk.

And I instantly felt the flood, and I went.

Hm-hmm-mm!

I kinda did one of these
to walk away from Levi,

but it was everywhere.

He was like, "Mom you're bleeding.

You're bleeding" I was like,
"I'm okay!"

I just did the best I could.

Yeah.

Before, I constantly had
black eyes and bloody lips.

All the time.
- I know.

And I would say, and Mom
thought that I was like...

She told me a couple days ago,
I got really upset with her

like a week ago because she
sent me this long text saying

about how I have these
children to take care of,

and I'm obviously in a state of hypomanic,

or what's that word?
Hypoman-?

- Mania?
- Yeah, hypomania.

She thinks that if I put on
makeup or lose baby weight,

that I'm acting manic-y, like.

But really, I'm just not pregnant.

I've been pregnant for four years.

Yeah, I'm right here.

Yeah?

Yeah?!

Don't just leave him like that with Benny.

- Sorry.
- Hanging all over him.

Should we all go on
a blankie hunt together?

Oh, Mama found it first.

The cycles of pregnancies and births

and depressions have historically ended

in breakdowns or relapses.

And I've spent the last
five years trying to accept

my powerlessness to change this.

Lookit.

I got a little orangutan.
I smuggled him in.

Grandpa, here comes Daddy!

Well, I gotta keep playing with this baby.

Don't push him, Ben.

Sometimes I try to take
pictures of Mommy and Daddy,

and sometimes Mom and Daddy get apart,

and Mommy goes over here
and Daddy goes over there.

But I need Daddy to stay right here

and Mommy to stay right here,

but sometimes I can't take pictures though,

because Daddy and Mommy
don't really like each other

when they get really close

because Daddy doesn't really like Mom.

Well, he does when she puts lipstick on,

but now she's not wearing it.

What do you got?

A flower.

Oh, show me the flower.

If Mommy and Daddy see this
flower, they will never part.

If they see this flower
that I'm holding in my hand

Mommy and Daddy
will just do "like this!"

And no one will ever see Daddy ever again.

Well, we don't usually see him.

Mmm!

Wait a minute.

Yuck!

You know that girls
don't have to wear lipstick

to be pretty, right?
- Yeah.

Some girls don't wear any lipstick,

and they're beautiful.

I see! Look!

A baby plant and a mommy plant!

♪ So long to mysterious

♪ So long to mysterious

Jeremy, be gentle.
It's my first time.

Shouldn't it hurt more the first time?

Isn't that how it works?
- Were you drunk?

- It's your shoulder.
- Yeah, so?

All right.
Go check that out.

- We're done?
- Yeah.

The suntan is really burning.

Could you put that away for a little bit?

Looks good.

It's been going on since I saw you.

- Okay.
- I'm just saying.

Memories, Jesse.

Yeah, it's always-
He's uncomfortable without it.

Obviously.

- I'm gonna smoke.
- Okay.

Bobby, how is a body like a back road?

All the bumps and curves.

Yeah, I know I'm pretty good at being

a cameraman, huh? I know.

I'll just tape.

Unless she's documented
domestic violence by calling

the police or making a police report,

she can't have him move.

If she put his name on
the house, it's his house.

So, you know, figuring out
how we can do that.

Well, if she tells him,
"You gotta take your name

off the house."

'Cause if she would've filed,

she would've had more, you know.

I don't, I doubt very much that
Jesse gave them the reason

why her front teeth were
broken and her bottom teeth.

But I also know, and
everyone else does too,

that victims of domestic
violence often don't report it.

She gave up on changing
her lifestyle, you know.

Wake up, warm up!
Wake up, warm up!

Do you feel responsible
for a lot of the things

that have happened to Jesse?

Oh yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, I feel real sad about that.

I feel responsible too, because

I was just such a cruel sibling.

Mmhmm.

Yeah.

Most of the time, I don't know what to say.

"I'm sorry" only works
if the person can hear it

or wants to hear it.

The same goes for "I love you."

Remember when I
drove my wagon down the road?

I don't know how far down the road I was,

but I felt like I was miles away.

And I stopped, and all of a
sudden I couldn't see the house.

I was, like, completely lost.

So, I just stopped and stood there.

And then I saw Mom come out
to the road and yell, "Jesse!"

Everybody thought I was
dead or in the lake.

We could do that.

That'd be funny.

I remember that like it was yesterday.

We recreate this event together.

We try to imagine
ourselves as small bodies.

It's in moments like this
where I coax her to do something

utterly ridiculous with me
that I'm able to see her love.

Who else would put up with this?

Jesse!

Look how he went for the sun.

Found an opening and started leaning over

in a different direction.

Had a lot of years to do that.

Oh, the ferns are growing
right up between the keys.

Well, it can't play anymore.

There's gonna be a
brand new trucking company

coming in that's gonna
help handle all the freight

coming from the new Arauco plant.

The whole town is gonna change.

It's construction season.

The roads are widening.

And I'm trying to remember why
exactly I drug us through this.

Because you believed
that the choices you've made

render you unlovable.

That the distance you enforced would

protect you from suffering.

That's just not true anymore.

Then what questions have you left?

♪ Take us to the river

♪ Teach us to swim upstream

♪ You say, "Life ain't no fun,
get used to the fight,

♪ 'cause yeah, those currents
can be real mean..." ♪

I think most humans spend a good chunk

of their lives trying to put
distance between themselves

and where they came from.

Most literally, our mothers.

One being separating into
two is absolutely myth-worthy.

Ask it!

Tell it.

I have to ask you something

really challenging for me.

And part of it's, I've wanted
to ask you for a long time,

but I haven't found the right moment to.

There's just, like, one thing
that sort of always is kind of

a replay in my brain that
I have to ask you about,

that I'm hoping I can exorcise it.

Which is that, when I...

told you that I wanted
to start taking hormones,

you had sort of an
emotional response and told me

that me being trans was

God punishing you for having

had abortions before you had me.

And I just wanna ask you
if you still feel that way.

I don't remember telling you that.

I don't remember saying that.

That was probably a grief response.

And I love the person you are.

And I'm sorry I said that.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

And hopefully, you can forgive me.

Mom gave a talk one time in church.

She talked about Jesse,
and she talked about you.

So, we all have things we have to adapt to.

That was the crux of
her talk was you have to,

you love them the way they are, you know.

That's the way it is.

And if somebody doesn't like it
that my daughter's transgender

or the church doesn't agree with it,

I've got a big problem with that.

So, she's very, everybody
liked that too, they...

- Did she say that?
- Yeah. Yep.

So, you mess with Mother Goose, man,

and you're gonna get hurt, you know.

♪ So, rock me
mama like a wagon wheel

♪ Rock me mama anyway you feel

♪ Hey, mama rock me

♪ Rock me mama like
the wind and the rain

♪ Rock me mama like
a southbound train

♪ Hey, mama rock me ♪

Fred, come and catch this gorgeous sunset!

I learned a secret.

When you speak the
pain's name, it dissipates.

When the pain's great, you have to speak it

over and over and over again.

I wanna go back into time
and tell this secret

to all of our former selves.

Tell it to all your future selves instead.

- What's that noise?
- It's the squeaky chain.

I don't ask many questions anymore.

I just stay and watch small
hands become larger hands.

Hold my hand. Ready.

Single-syllable words become multi.

- Ready, Uncle Madsen?
- Ready.

And notice my capacity
for love becoming greater

than I ever imagined possible.

Well, here we are.

Leaving town yet again.

First day of sunshine,
and I'm on my way out.

♪ But that was the river,
this is the sea ♪

Kalla, you were born
between a trine of powerful

feminine energies:
your mother's, most obviously,

my mother's, and mine.

You were mid-passage
from one world to the next.

The pain was nearly unbearable.

And then I cut your umbilical cord,

severing one being into two.

It was more rubbery than
I could've ever imagined.

But in retrospect, of
course it'd be that strong.

Your mother screamed,
"Is she okay?"

I said, "Yes, baby.
She's perfect.

She's perfect."

♪ That was the river

♪ This is the sea

♪ Because that was the river
This is the sea

♪ That was the river
This is the sea

♪ That was the river
This is the sea

♪ That was the river

♪ And this is the sea ♪

She's beautiful. Beautiful!

Aw, you did such a good job.
She's beautiful.

- Is she okay?
- She's perfect, baby.

She's perfect.

♪ The sea, yeah

♪ Behold the sea

♪ I wish I could write songs
about anything

♪ other than death

♪ But I can't go to bed
without drawing the red,

♪ shaving off breaths

♪ Each one so heavy,
each one so cumbersome

♪ Each one a lead weight
hanging between my lungs

♪ Spilling my guts

♪ Sweat on a microphone
breaking my voice

♪ Whenever I'm alone with you,
can't talk

♪ But isn't this weather nice?
Are you okay?

♪ Should I go somewhere else
and hide my face?

♪ Sprinter, learning to wait

♪ Marathon running,
my ankles are sprained

♪ Marathon running,
my ankles are sprained

♪ Marathon running,
my ankles are sprained ♪