Normandy Is My Name (2015) - full transcript

♪ If you want me to wait ♪

♪ I won't be made a fool ♪

♪ You better not be the bait ♪

♪ Don't you know what you do ♪

♪ For years you could've walked alone ♪

♪ You made the choice ♪

♪ You knew you had to keep your home ♪

♪ Now you lose that comfort zone ♪

♪ You've outgrown, and how you've flown ♪

It all started

with my dad's over 30 men's soccer league.



Even though my dad's getting older,

he still thinks he can keep
up with the youngsters.

I guess it's a midlife
crisis kind of thing?

Every Friday night,
the old men play soccer

and afterwards they get
together for a few beers,

some wine, and hors
d'oeuvres with the wives.

Normally they talk about
who's stepping out on who

or how the economy is in the crapper,

but for whatever ill-conceived reason

on the night of May 31st,

they started talking about kids these days

and how the internet, mobile phones,

and digital revolution
is fracking their brains

and turning them into zombies,



rendering them unable to
personally interact with others

and engage in meaningful conversations.

In other words, they think
the move from the dinosaur age

to the digital world has resulted
in the largest brain drain

in the history of mankind,

rendering us kiddos void of the ability

to emotionally connect with others

and unable to cope in a face to face world

without the crutch of our
beloved digital indulgences.

Anyway, when the old man
and old lady get together

with some other antiques,
throw back a few adult bevs,

the results of the conversation
are typically harmless

and in almost every case meaningless.

Unless, of course, it
happens to be May 31st.

- Used to be when you'd
see a car weaving in

and out of lanes, there was a 99 % chance

it was an old fart or a drunk driver.

These days it seems like it's a 90 % chance

it's a teenager texting and driving.

- Exactly.

My car almost got hit the other day

by a teen texting and driving.

And when I honked at him, he
gave me the one finger salute

and went right back to
texting and driving.

- You know, my kids can
even hardly cross the street

without texting or looking
at their cell phones.

I mean, they're oblivious

to everything going on around them.

Last week, Francois
almost got hit by a car

while he was crossing the street.

- You know, I read an article recently

that talked about college
kids having a hard time

getting jobs and the interview process

because they can't make eye contact.

They're so used to using
their phones to communicate,

they just forgot how to do
this sort of in person stuff.

And you know, the same article talked

about how they can't remember
seven numbers either.

- I still remember my phone
number from grade school.

- So do I.

I even remember some
of my friends' numbers.

- Look here, I still remember the number

of that pizza place we used
to prank every other week.

- Yeah, back in the days before
caller ID, we had some fun.

I mean, you could prank
anyone without repercussions.

- I heard the most terrible thing

about Sally Staffordson's daughter.

Evidently her boyfriend,
all of three months,

asked her to text him a
nude photo of herself.

And this boy said it would
be for his eyes only.

- Tell me she did not
send him a nude photo.

- Yes, she did.

- Oh god.

- He then texted it on
to all of his friends,

who texted it on to all of their friends,

and now you have this photo
making its way around,

I mean, who knows, the world?

- I remember as a teenager,

the only way that I could
see a pair of boobs was

to sneak a peek at my
dad's Playboy magazine

when he was out of town.

Or, on a very rare occasion,

the Mrs. Robinson of our neighborhood

would leave the lights
on and the curtains up.

Yeah.

- Main engine.

- Solid rocket boosters, ignite.

- We have liftoff.

- That was the best part of my youth.

- Yeah, but you know, there's
always the lingerie section

of the JC Penney catalog.

- Well, you all know
he's out there looking

for a Little Bo Peep outfit for himself.

- All right, anyway, the point is

when we wanted to see some
boobies when we were teenagers,

we had to work at it.

Whereas today on the internet
they hold nothing back.

I mean, if you wanted to see Doug

in his Little Bo Peep
outfit doing a whole bunch

of unnamely things with a
whole bunch of unnamely people,

well, you could certainly find it.

- I'm worried about the next
generation's social skills.

- Or lack thereof.

- Kids today ask each
other out by texting,

break up by texting.

The majority of their
communication is done by texting.

- Can you just imagine
an entire generation

with limited or
underdeveloped social skills?

- It's really quite sad
when you think about it.

- Why don't we just take
their phones away from them?

- And the internet.
- And their video games.

- That'll go over like a lead balloon.

- I'm not saying take it away forever.

- But maybe for a month.

- Yeah, like a 30 day respite
from, say, all electronics.

- So it's like a digital detox of sorts.

- The only way this works
is if we're all on board.

We need to be a united force.

- If any of us waver,

then this whole digital
detox is gonna blow up

and it will be a complete waste of time.

- I have no problem taking the internet

and electronics away from Buford.

- So are we really gonna do this?

Roy and Chandra, are you in?

- If Doug and Petra are in, then we're in.

- Yeah, we're in.

But maybe we oughta show
a sign of solidarity

and do this, have a family get-together,

maybe after the men's soccer
games the next four weeks?

- Yeah, we could all take turns hosting

and bring all the kids so they don't feel

like they're going through it alone.

You know, I mean, they might
even learn some social skills.

- I like that.

Let's make the kids go
to both the soccer games

and the afterparty.

- Well, yeah, 'cause we
only got four weeks left

in the soccer season anyway, so.

- All right, let's do it.

- That just leaves Steve and Marci.

- We're in.

All right.

30 days.

Okay, so at this point,

I majorly hate the antiques.

My life is ruined at the tender age of 16.

I've been hobbled by my own parents.

Seriously, what am I supposed
to do for the next 30 days?

Oh god, I can just imagine my life now.

- Are you selling lemonade?

- Kind of.

- How much is it?

- Well, you see, I'm not
really selling it for money,

I'm more bartering for it.

- Bartering for what?

- Well, you see, I'll
give you and your kiddos

as much lemonade as you want if you, say,

let me use your cell phone for a bit?

- Oh, you need to make a call.

- Yeah, that'd be great

if I had all my friends'
phone numbers memorized,

but who does that?

So I was thinking maybe I
could just play Candy Crush

or Flappy Bird for a while,

or you know, maybe take
selfie, that'd be good too.

- Why I would I want a picture
of your selfie on my phone?

- Well, I just haven't
taken one in a while

and maybe I'm having
withdrawal pains or something.

Please, won't you help me?

- I'm sorry, we can't help you.

- Candy Crush?

- I'm sorry.

Flappy Bird?

- Not today.

Is this really happening?

The old man and old lady
have gone off the deep end

without their floaties.

Maybe if I make their
lives miserable enough,

they'll undo this misdeed?

- You know we love you

but if you try to make our lives miserable

in any way, shape, or form,

I'm gonna be adding 30 days

to this little digital-free
journey of yours.

All right then.

Can someone please pull
out the wooden stake

that Daddy just drove into my
precious and innocent heart?

Nothing good can come of this.

I can only imagine how the
others are going to take it.

I don't even hang with any of them.

You got the jock, Buford,

who seems to be every bit
of an athletic supporter.

The cheerleader, Olivia,

who has said exactly two words
to me since freshman year.

The rocker, Bentley, who clearly
lives in a different world

than the rest of us.

And the French kid, Francois,

who puts the D in dork and the G in geek

and appears to be scared
of his own shadow.

And it doesn't help Francois

that his parents unknowingly
hosed him with their last name.

- All right, quiet down, quiet down.

Wanna welcome a couple new students here

to sophomore art at Parker High.

Let's see here, Samantha D'Armin.

Are you here?

Samantha, stand on up.

Everybody, let's welcome
Samantha to the class.

Okay, that's enough, that's enough.

Let's see, who else?

Francis.

- It's actually Francois.

- Francois, yes.

Francois...

Buttwipe?

- No, it's Butwipee?

- Boot, butt, whippy?

Buttwipe?

Buttwipay?

- Butwipee.

It's a French name.

- Welcome to Parker High, Buttwipe.

- Enough, Buford, enough.

Okay.

Need I say more?

From that day forward,
Francois was known as Buttwipe.

Although he was a super dweeb

and as low on the popularity
gauge as you could go,

he had the most popular nickname

of anyone in the entire high school.

I even think some

of the teachers secretly
called him Buttwipe.

- Do you have this Buttwipe
kid in class this year?

- Well, I think Buttwipe is
in all college class prep.

- Hopefully makes him smart.

- Well, it's hard to tell at this point.

- Is he gonna graduate this year?

- Well, not if he keeps
getting stuffed into lockers.

So there you have it.

A jocker, a rocker, a tight
crotch, and a beeyotch.

The question remains, how are
these four fellow students

going to handle the crap
slap coming their way?

And how much grief am
I going to get for it?

- Buford, come down.

Your father and I would
like to talk to you.

Mom, come on, the game's on.

I'll come down later.

- We really would like to talk to you now.

But Mom, it's
the fourth quarter and--

- Get your ass down here now.

- Coming.

What is it?

- Well, honey, your dad and I

and some friends were talking and--

- We're taking away all
your electronic devices,

your cell phone, your
internet for next 30 days.

- What did I do wrong?

- Hey, hey, hey.

End of story, deal with it.

- Yeah?

Olivia, dear, may we come in?

- Yeah, I'm just painting my toenails.

- Sweetheart, you know your father

and I love you very much, right?

- Oh god, are you guys getting a divorce?

Because that's exactly
what Cynthia's parents said

right before they tore her world apart.

- No, pumpkin, we're
not getting a divorce.

Your mother and I love
each other very much.

- Did someone die or one of you sick?

- No, everything is fine.

No one is dying or sick.

We just need to talk with you for a bit.

Is this about sex?

Because that would be really creepy

and a little bit awkward for both of you

to be in here talking to
me about it right now.

- No, pumpkin, we want to
talk to you about your phone

and the internet.

- See, sweetheart, we were
at the Meadows' house.

- Wait, as in Normandy
Meadows' parents' house?

Are these the Meadows we're referring to?

- Yes.

- That child of theirs is so odd.

Who names their kid Normandy?

I mean, I get Mandy, even
Norman if she were a boy,

but Normandy?

- Well, honey, this isn't about her name.

Like your father said,

this is about your cell
phone and the internet.

- I promise I won't text and drive.

- Well, we had a little
something else in mind.

You see, there was a
bunch of us over there

at the house the other
night and we decided--

As a group.

- Yeah, as a group, to have
our children experience

what it's like to be without mobile phone,

video games, or internet access.

For 30 days.

COL, honey.

You mean LOL, honey.

This is obviously a joke.

- No, I mean COL.

- COL?

What does that even mean?

- Cry out loud.

- Why do I have to?

- Bentley?

- Bentley, honey?

- Bentley.

- Sup?

- Well, honey, some friends
of Daddy and I were talking

and we thought it might be a good idea

if you used your electronic
devices a bit less.

You know, like your cellular
device and the interweb

and the digital webnet
bandwidth megs floppy...

- Stop, please.

Please stop.

Stop trying to talk tech, please.

My ears are burning.

You're butchering every
tech term known to man.

Seriously, dudes?

What are you trying to say?

- Well, honey, what we're
trying to say is that--

- What your mother and I are saying is

we think it'd be best
if you were to refrain

from electronics for a period of time.

- And why on God's green
earth would I do that?

Ever heard of self-inflicted wounds?

Yeah, it's basically
the same thing, peeps.

- Well, honey, you don't
have to do this alone.

- Listen, if you guys wanna
forgo this digital fruit,

then by all means, knock yourselves out.

- We're not talking about us.

We're talking about you
and some of your classmates

going through this unplugged experiment?

- Listen, if any of my
lame classmates wants

to do some digital retreat,
then that's their problem.

But I need my fix.

- Honey.

We're here for you, you know that.

- Please, you are
invading my personal space

and filling my free-spirited
head with nauseating thoughts.

- Look, son, we knew this
would be difficult for you

so to make it easier on us,
while you were sleeping,

we confiscated your cellular phone

and your ePad device and
called the cable company

and temporarily disconnected the interweb

and blogosphere and all your techsations?

- Seriously?

How long must I suffer
through this mayhem?

Like, a few days?

A week?

What are we talking here?

- 30 days, son.

- What the?

- Hey, come on outside.

It's so nice out here,
let's sit on the deck.

- Sounds good, let me
call Francois up here.

- Great.

Francois, come
on up here for a second.

- What did you want?

- Well, your father and I met

with a group of parents the
other night from his soccer team

and we all thought it might be a good idea

for our kids to go
without their cell phones,

their video games, and the
internet for the next 30 days.

- And we'd just make a
social event out of it

after the game on Friday nights.

- Are there gonna be any girls involved

in this Friday night social thing?

- Yes.

There's that Normandy girl and then,

who's the cheerleader?

- Olivia Miller.

- Will Mrs. Miller also be there?

- Yes, Mrs. Miller would
also be part of the group.

- I'm in.

- As I sit here in digital-less purgatory

with nothing to do, I find
myself staring at my grandmother.

You know, I never really look
looked at her in a long time.

I feel bad seeing her getting old.

She's always been good to me

and she by far is the
best friend I've ever had.

In a weird way, I almost feel guilty.

In the past few years,
I've been preoccupied

and not as attentive to
her as I should have been.

When did she get so pale?

Looks like she's not
seen the sun in years.

And where did all those
wrinkles come from?

At that moment, I realized that my grandma

had been punked by Father Time.

So this is what I have to look
forward to when I'm older.

Pale, gray, and wrinkly,
just like Granny Chick.

I sit here staring at my grandmother

as a witness to the ravages
of time, no flour needed.

I know you can't stop the hand of time

but as sure I am sitting here,

I am going to do what I can
to see my grandma go out

with a bang and not a fizzle.

Screw you, Father Time.

Hey, Gramster.

- Yes, Mandy?

- How about we take a
girls' day out today?

- Really?

- I don't see any reason why we wouldn't.

- I'd love to!

Are you sure you're okay, Mandy?

- Never felt better.

Now let's get rocking, Granny Chick.

You're on, Mandy Chick.

♪ This town is burning ♪

♪ But I'm afraid to step out on my own ♪

♪ I'm afraid to be alone ♪

♪ And my heart is beating ♪

♪ Right about to jump out of my chest ♪

♪ But I don't know what's best for me ♪

♪ No ♪

♪ One shot, you can take it, oh ♪

♪ One heart maybe you'll break it but go ♪

♪ 'Cause these days you
don't get second chances ♪

♪ This life, you wanna live it light ♪

♪ But this time you gotta do it right ♪

♪ 'Cause these days you
don't get second chances ♪

♪ Get second chances ♪

♪ Whoa ♪

♪ These days you don't
get second chances ♪

♪ This night is restless ♪

♪ But I've got a burning in my bones ♪

♪ I need to step in the unknown ♪

♪ What if I don't make it ♪

♪ What if I come toppling from up high ♪

♪ Well, at least I'll know I tried ♪

♪ I've gotta try, yeah ♪

♪ One shot, you can take it, oh ♪

♪ One heart, maybe
you'll break it but go ♪

♪ 'Cause these days you
don't get second chances ♪

♪ One shot, you can take it, oh ♪

♪ One heart, maybe
you'll break it but go ♪

♪ 'Cause these days you
don't get second chances ♪

♪ This life, you wanna live it light ♪

♪ But this time you gotta do it right ♪

♪ 'Cause these days you
don't get second chances ♪

♪ Get second chances ♪

Mandy, I'm
not so sure about this.

- Come on, Granny Chick, hand it over.

When this is all said and done,

if Grandpa still has it in him,

well, you'll see soon enough.

Dang, Granny Chick, I had
no idea you were rockin' Ds.

You should have
seen me back in the day.

My boobs were large enough

to create their own gravitational pull

and I had no shortage
of young men orbiting.

- Granny Chick, you little minx.

Got that right, Mandy.

- Oh, here comes Pam-Pam
the spray tan ma'am.

You better say something
before she opens the curtain

so she knows you're really alive in there.

I bet she hasn't seen
anyone as pale as you

unless they were dead.

I'm not that pale.

- You make the Pillsbury Dough Boy look

like the tanning mom.

Hey, listen, she's as pale
as a 10 day old corpse

but I assure you she's still alive.

She has wrinkles on her wrinkles

and her boobs are probably
touching her knees.

Oh, and one more thing?

There's a fairly decent
possibility she's wearing a diaper

so fair warning on the freak out meter.

Let's just take a deep breath,
maintain our composure,

and get this thing done.

What's wrong, honey?

Haven't you ever seen a pair

of 44D low rider raisin titties?

Now snap out of it and do your thing

before I show you how to
fill a pair of adult diapers

with a steaming pile of...

- Got Granny Chick the
clothes, got her a tan,

and now only one item left on my list

to perfecta my trifecta.

You ever wondered why so many
older women have blue hair?

At what point in their
life did they decide,

you know, I'm tired of being a blonde

or a redhead or a brunette.

You know, I think I'm going
to go for a hair color change.

And of all the colors
in the color spectrum,

I'm choosing to go blue.

Seriously, even punk rockers never made

a decisive move to blue.

You had your pink and your purple

and occasionally some blue,

but not an all-out full
unadulterated commitment to blue.

And some of these grannies
have been sporting blue

for 10 to 15 years.

What gives, are they color blind?

When you get up in age,

do you lose the ability
to see the color blue?

Or all the beauty salons are
in on the same sick plot?

Or maybe the Blue Man Group is

behind a giant hypnotic scheme
to use unaware old ladies

as some sort of advertising gimmick.

Pardon me, ma'am.

Can you tell me what color this is?

- What are you asking
me this question for?

- Pardon me, ma'am.

Can you tell me what color this is?

Has anyone from the Blue
Man Group contacted you

in the past, say, 10 years
that you're aware of?

Oh, and by the way,

you wouldn't happen to have
a cell phone I could borrow,

would ya?

If you're a senior woman
and you're within the sound

of my voice, it's time to fight back.

Become a trendsetter and
think outside the box.

Go with green, orange, any
hair color except for blue.

Even going back to your natural hair color

is better than blue.

Don't let these hair
practitioners punk you any longer.

Please, on behalf of myself
and society as a whole,

lose the blue.

Enough of the hair scare.

Time to cowgirl up.

Hey, enough with the fake dog poop prank.

First three times, okay, it was funny.

But the last 45 times, it's been annoying.

Now, without further ado,

I would like to present to
you the new and improved,

one and only Granny Chick.

- Jumping Jehosaphat, Mandy,

you took 40 years off that woman.

Young lady, would you like to go

to a movie and dinner with me tonight?

- It's a date, Romeo.

- I'm gonna go get ready.

I feel like I've gone back
in time to high school.

- Oh, Granny Chick.

It's so great to see Grandpa so happy.

So, so great.

- It'll be good to see
him sport wood again too.

- I could have gone the rest
of my life without that visual.

Dang, Granny Chick, what gives?

I am mentally scarred for life.

The upside is I have my dad's
boring soccer game tonight

and I get to hang out with four people

that I don't really know or care for,

one of which hates me for reasons unknown.

Yep, that's me, living the dream.

All right, doofus, why
are you staring at me?

Because it's gone past
the point of annoying

and I'm getting ready to
either rip out your eyeballs

and stuff them into your rectum

so you can get a bird's eye
view of what an ass you're being

or punch in the tube steak.

I haven't made up my mind yet.

- Oh.

I'm sorry, I wasn't staring at you.

I was actually staring at
that red-breasted nuthatch.

It looks like it's like
an inch off of your head

and 30 degrees off of your ear.

- Now I don't know if I should be happy

that he's not staring at me

or pissed that he's not staring at me.

How lame is it that I'm even having

this mentally taxing
dilemma on a Friday night

about the real intentions
of a Speedo-wearing dweeb?

How long until you finish
studying the intricacies

of the migratory diphthong theorem?

Because if it's gonna be much longer,

I'm really thinking about
taking a cheese grater

to my eyeballs and, wait,

why are you sitting next to me anyway

instead of with the pork sword consortium?

Oh, I don't
really fit in with them.

I don't really fit in anywhere.

- Aw, don't be so hard on yourself, champ.

I'm sure you can find a
group of Speedo-wearing guys

to pal around with and
compare banana hammocks.

- Banana hammocks?

- Think about it, Einstein.

- It's a European thing, I'm French.

- They need to change
the name of that thing.

- And call it what?

- To a Speedon't.

Oh, I see, yeah.

You got a funny way with words.

No, but there aren't actually a lot

of banana hammock-wearing
guys around here,

but that would be a very strange reason

to hang around anyone anyway.

- I'm just kidding, B-berry.

- Oh, oh, I'm sorry.

I guess I just need to
work on my sense of humor.

- You suck!

That's bullshit!

- I'm just better off not
saying anything at all.

I'm such an ass.

♪ I'm gonna have a meltdown ♪

- I saw what you did.

That was intentional, you D-bag.

- It was an accident.

Nothing to see here, move along now.

- You think you're tough?

You're not tough at all.

You are so inferior to
these other players,

you feel like you have to
cheat to make up for it?

Where does that sense of
inferiority come from,

because you're hung like a light switch?

- Yeah, right.

You couldn't tell the difference
between a light switch

and a field mouse.

- Oh, so you're hung like a field mouse,

is that what you're saying?

- No, that's not what I'm saying.

- So light switch then?

- Yes, I mean, no, no, not a light switch.

- Make up your mind.

Are you hung like a light
switch or a field mouse,

which one is it?

- Neither, none.

- So you're not hung at all?

Are you concave then?

Just listening to you debate with yourself

over whether you're hung
like a light switch,

a field mouse, or nothing
at all leads me to conclude

that you're about as bright
as 12 midnights in a closet.

Ma'am, you're gonna
have to leave the field.

- I just saw you take
out my dad, you doorknob.

You think you have to resort to cheating

and causing physical
harm to take out players

who are better than you.

You know, players who
run circles around you?

- Miss, you're going to
have to leave the field.

- I'm sorry, was I talking
while you were interrupting?

- You're going to have to leave the field.

- Why is this ass gasket
still on the field?

Drag him off the field already.

- Since when do you pull a yellow card

for full on red card infraction?

You know, a vicious and
intentional take-down?

Are yellow cards all you carry?

You even have a red card in there?

You need to throw this
ball slapper off the field

and out of the league.

- You need to leave the field, please.

- I'll leave the field
when you do your job

and throw this off the field.

Oh, so you do have a red card.

You just choose to use
it on 16 year old girls

instead of maliciously violent

just out of prison type players.

You were in prison, right?

Come on, ref, let's go!

Just got out last week.

- Yeah, I can see the
rope marks on your neck.

- What rope marks?

I was just kidding.

- Soap on a rope rope marks,

which by the way are a clear indicator

that you were a repeat offender.

- You need to leave the field now.

- There, how do you like that?

May not be red yet

but you're obviously on the
rag, so you can have it.

- Miss, you're going to
have to leave the field.

- You go, girl.

- You need to kick this
mule-slapping short arm

off the field or, or I'm gonna lick this.

- You wouldn't.

- She's not gonna lick it.

Let's get on with the game.

Touched your tongue to that, you're crazy.

- Crazy, huh?

That wasn't crazy.

You wanna see crazy?

Hey, ye of small mind
and penis, that'd be you,

no one does that to my
dad and gets away with it,

not while I'm in the stands.

And next time our team plays yours,

I'm gonna be here and I'm
gonna be looking for you.

You think licking dog crap is crazy?

Next time if you show up,

I'm gonna show you the real
meaning of what crazy is.

- Okay, it's time to eat.

Who wants burgers, who wants dogs?

Buford, what can I get you?

I'll take two of each, please.

- Bentley, honey, what would you like?

I think
I'll dog it out tonight

with a double header, if you don't mind.

- Translation, he'll have two hot dogs.

Olivia?

One dog, please.

- Francois?

Burger, please,
with cheese if you have it.

- Oh, we have cheese, son.

And Normandy, that leaves you.

What can I get you, young lady?

Dog, please.

- It'll be good to see
him sport wood again too.

I changed my mind.

Make it a burger, please?

- But honey, your favorite
has always been hot dogs.

Thanks to
that disturbing visual

that is burned into my
still-developing brain,

I am no longer to eat any foods

that have the shape of a phallic symbol.

This is crazy.

No more hot dogs, sausages, or brats.

No more popsicles,
carrots, cucumbers, squash,

zucchini, French bread.

How can a few stupid
words cobbled together

in a sentence create

such a strong, albeit disturbing, visual

that I can't seem to get out of my brain?

I am putting an end to this.

I need to hit the delete button right now.

- Yo, girl, take it easy.

Happy to share.

Didn't know you had the munchies.

- I don't have the munchies, Zeppelin.

I just needed to take
a bite of that hot dog

at the very moment.

Nothing to see here, carry on.

Odd much?

- Yes, as a matter of fact, I am odd much.

And you know what?

I don't have a problem with it

and I'll be the first to admit it.

You realize in two years of high school,

you've now spoken a sum
total of four words to me?

Congratulations, this
represents a 100 % increase

in word volume since the
first time you spoke to me,

so we are making significant progress.

- Whatever.

- Whoa there, Madonna.

That's another 25 %.

At this rate, you stand a decent chance

of speaking a full sentence
to me in four years

and a paragraph in 11.

Oh, suspense is killing me.

- That's a lot of trophies over there.

I didn't know you were a bull rider.

- Nope, those are my pop's.

- He was a bull rider?

- Yeah.

He won the circuit like six times.

He was national champion three times,

back before the sport paid anything.

- My dad was a bullfighter
in Spain for a year

and then he got a work visa

in the States for like two years

and he was, during his
stay, he was a rodeo clown.

And before he moved back to France

and then he married my mom

and then he moved back to the States.

And that was all before
he got into medicine.

- Yeah, yeah, that's quite a leap.

Rodeo clown to medicine?

- Yeah.

I don't suppose that he ever did anything

with the clown thing.

But yeah, he doesn't have
any trophies like your dad.

- So, Normandy.

Why'd your parents come
up with this lame idea

to send us back to the Dark Ages?

- Well, you see, Roid Rage,

wasn't so much my 'rents' idea

as it was the brainchild
of a Wayne and Crystal

who just so happen to have
the same last name as you.

So if you want to point the
finger and lay the blame,

I'd suggest you look no further

than your very own moms and pops.

- Oh, I'll point the finger all right.

- Nice to see your caveman
heritage is nice and intact.

You know, it's getting
a little chilly in here.

Do you think you could make
us a fire with some sticks?

- I got a stick for you.

- Oh, I don't see how a
toothpick could give us

much of a spark, hashtag cromag.

Damn, Norm.

You've got a sharp tongue on you, girl.

- Yeah, we saw that tongue in
action on the soccer field.

- Yeah, dude.

I was LMFAO big time.

- Normandy, you were amazing.

- Thanks, Grape Smuggler.

- So.

What do you guys wanna do
for the rest of the night?

- Slit my wrist.

- We're all eyes.

Well, everyone except for
Nugget Hug-it over there.

- What?

I thought that she was gonna do it.

- And why would you think that?

Have you never heard of sarcasm?

- Well, I just figured you're always

in a bad mood all the time.

I just thought that you
were depressed or something.

- I'm not always in a bad mood.

Just when I'm around people like you guys.

I mean, why would our parents force us

into this lame get-together

with people we have absolutely
nothing in common with?

I just cannot wait until my
30 day incarceration's over

and then the soccer season ends

and then we can go our separate ways

and never have to speak again.

- I just figured that we might as well

make the most of it or something.

- Make the most of what?

Do you realize that no one here likes you?

Buford stuffs you in a locker for fun,

Bentley and you have
absolutely nothing in common,

and I doubt you've ever spoken

outside of this lame forced get-together.

For me?

Me and my friends would never
consider even hanging out

with someone like you.

Normandy, well, hell.

I don't even know what's
going on inside of her brain

but my guess is you guys
have never had a conversation

outside of this as well.

- I just thought that--

- You just thought what?

That we were gonna hold hands
and sing kumbaya together?

Get real, Buttwipe.

- That's Butwipee.

- You know, as much as I hate to say this

and agree with Olivia,
she's probably right.

I mean, after we get done

with these last three soccer games,

I don't think the five of us

will ever talk to each other again.

- No shit, Sherlock.

So let's quit pretending this is anything

other than what it actually is.

As far as I'm concerned,
you guys can count me out

of all your meaningless conversations

for the next three weeks.

And that's how we ended

the first mandatory Friday night shindig.

Mark June 7th off the list

and banish it to the history books.

One down, three to go.

Next week, it's over to Olivia's house.

Yippee-kiyay.

- No idea they even made houses this big.

- What's it like living

in a modern day castle, Queen Olivia?

- Well, it's actually more
fun when you're little

and you get to play hide and go seek.

Once you get older, it's
just more housework.

- Oh, come on.

You're saying that you do housework?

Like you don't have a maid, or three?

- No, we don't have a maid.

My parents think that if
you live in a house too big

to take care of yourself,
you should get a smaller one,

so we do it all ourselves.

We don't even have lawn
service or a pool guy.

- Heck, we have lawn service

and our house is 1/10 the size of yours.

- Yeah, we got a pool guy

and you could fit five
pools in your one pool.

- Sounds like your parents
are pretty well-grounded.

- I don't think my home
life is much different

than you guys.

I have chores.

I have to make dinner twice a week

and I even have to clean the
toilets every 3rd of the month.

Plus I buy my own clothes.

- Well, hell.

I mean, I've never
cleaned a toilet before.

- I don't have to buy my clothes.

- I think people just assume
that I get everything handed

to me because we live in a big
house in a gated community.

But every single designer
piece of clothing I own,

I buy with my own money.

Of course, with the
exception of a few pieces

I borrow from my mom.

- Your mom.

Your mom.

She is one fine-looking lady.

- Easy there, horndog.

You have no clue how many
times I've heard that before.

Every single guy I've dated acted

like they were more into my mom than me.

I mean, good for her for staying in shape,

but I guess just sometimes I wish

she was just an average mom.

Well, if
this isn't just a cluster.

Olivia's ruining my ability and desire

to insult her the way I want to.

I had no idea she did manual labor

and paid for her own threads.

Maybe that's why she's in
a bad mood all the time.

- So you have any brothers or sisters?

- Two older brothers, one older sister,

a sister two years younger than me,

and a six month old brother.

What is this anyway, Ask
Olivia 1,000 Questions Night?

- Nice snart, Buford.

- Snart?

What's a snart?

A sneeze and a fart.

- In that case, gezuntoot.

- That's disgusting.

- Olivia, you have a
six month old brother.

What happened there?

- Not what you think, Guido.

My mom and dad adopted a baby from Russia

before Vladimir Putin signed
the US anti-adoption bill.

- That Vlad needs to grab
ankles and remove head.

- Yes, he does.

Along with a few other people.

- Why would someone sign
such an asinine bill anyway?

- Good question, Dong Holster.

- Hey, oh, where's the closest bathroom?

- Through the kitchen,
you'll see a hallway.

Take your first right,
then your second left.

Try not to touch anything.

- Will do, Your Majesty.

- Rock on.

- How many bathrooms do you have?

- Six full, four half, all with bidets.

- You have more half baths
than we have full bathrooms.

What's a bidet?

- We have those in France.

It's actually a good idea.

It's a lot like the drinking fountains

that we have at school
except a bidet comes up

from inside of the toilet.

That way, whenever you're thirsty,

you could take a refreshing
drink of cold water.

- Damn, Europeans think of everything.

I gotta check this out.

Is there another restroom that, you know,

Bentley's not using?

- Yeah.

Go through the kitchen,
take your first left,

then your first right.

Don't
forget to try the bidet.

Stay thirsty, my friend!

- Good one, Schlong Thong.

I didn't know you were so devious.

Hey, Olivia, mind if I take a
look around the first floor?

Never been inside a house this big.

I promise not to steal anything.

- We have security cameras anyway.

- I was only kidding.

- I'm sure.

- So Olivia,

tell me about your mom.

♪ Sleep, little baby, don't you cry ♪

♪ Everything's gonna be all right ♪

♪ Listen to this lullaby ♪

♪ Hush, little baby, don't you cry ♪

- Great.

What is this all about?

Never had water come out
of my eyes like this.

Who let a guy like Bentley get to me?

I never would have discovered
he had a tender side

if I hadn't been forced
into this stupid situation.

For the rest of my life,
I would have seen Bentley

as nothing more than a
pill-popping, dope-smoking,

hard core party rocker.

How was I supposed to
know he was a hard rocker

with a soft heart?

Damn, Nugent, you scared
the hell out of me.

I had something in my eye,
I was trying to wash it out.

- Here, let me see.

- Oh, no, I'm sure it'll work its way out.

I flushed it with some water.

I flushed both eyes with
water, it's an allergy thing.

- I don't mind.

- Oh.

I don't see anything.

You know, I never noticed
how beautiful your eyes are.

- Yeah, well, I never
noticed that you wear cologne

or that your teeth were movie star white

and perfectly straight,
or that you had a soul,

so I guess we're even now.

Now what do you say we go back outside

before someone comes
to the wrong conclusion

or gets the wrong impression,

because that would be like insane?

- Why would that be insane?

- Well, you know, look at us.

We aren't exactly what
people would consider...

Let's go back out there, sport.

- For the record, I've never smoked pot,

nor have I done any kind of
illicit drug of any type.

People just assume that
because I have long hair

and because I dress this way
that I engage in that activity.

But it's not true.

- You heard what I said in there.

- I did.

- Like everything I said?

- Yep.

- Shit, if you ever--

- Don't worry, I won't say anything.

As long as you don't tell anyone

about what I did back there.

You know, singing to the baby and all?

I do have an image to maintain.

- Pinky oath.

- We have to seal it with a kiss.

Funny.

- No, seriously.

- No, you have to be off
your hard rock rocker.

- The only way to make it official is

to seal it with a kiss.

It doesn't have to be
on the lips or anything.

It can be on the cheek.

But those are the pinky swear
rules I honor and respect.

- Right now, I so much
want to make some crack

that he must have dropped too much acid

or must be hallucinating on shrooms,

but now that I know he's never used drugs,

it makes it very difficult

to react the way I normally would.

This is the second time
tonight a stereotype turned out

to be false and it is
seriously dampening my ability

to verbally insult at the
high level I am used to.

You are such a dork.

And I'm forced to resort to that.

How lame.

- Right here.

This is bullshit, you know.

- Yeah, that wasn't so bad, was it?

- Smooth move, Ozzie.

Ozzie without the drugs,
of course, clean Ozzie.

Very clean, oh, wow.

- Right, clean Ozzie.

I got it.

- And if you ever pull
anything like that on me again,

you're gonna be singing soprano

for the rest of your life, you hear?

Uh huh, think about that.

- Hey, guys, we're down
here in the basement.

- Well, I guess we made
it to the halfway point.

Other than learning how to use
a European drinking fountain,

I don't think I learned
anything more about any of you

than I did when I started
this whole shitstorm.

- I have an idea.

Why don't we all tell
something about ourselves

that no one else knows?

- Sounds like a lame game, Buttwipe.

- I agree.

- Why is it that rockers and
jockers have such a hard time

revealing anything about themselves

that might not fit their
self-prophetical molds?

- What?

No, I don't have a problem with it.

I just happen to think it's stupid

and I don't have any
prophylactic mold on me.

- Have you ever stepped out

of your personal clique of friends?

- Uh, I do plenty of stuff

and I have plenty of friends
outside of my usual group.

- Really?

Name two.

- Name two what?

- All right, outside your usual group,

you know, jock straps are us,

give us the names of two
people you hang out with.

- Leo and Jen.

- Last names?

- DiCaprio and Aniston.

- You're really sharp as
a marble, aren't you now?

- Busted, dude.

- You know, and so what?

So what if I don't hang around people

outside my usual group?

I mean, I bet none of you do either.

And what does that have to do

with Buttwipe's lame idea anyway?

- I happen to think Sperm
Tourniquet here came up

with a good idea.

- Norm, you are killing me.

You've amassed a plethora of names

for Guido the Speedo over there.

You know, I'm keeping track of these

and I'm planning on
writing a song about them.

- Knock yourself out, Jim Morrison.

- Well, sorry for the lame idea.

I was just trying to get
a conversation going.

- So why don't you start then, Francis?

- Something about me
that nobody else knows.

Oh, okay.

I am a third degree
martial arts black belt.

Seriously.

- So why didn't you kick my ass

the last 20 times I
shoved you into a locker?

- I was hoping that you would mature

and see bullying for what it really is.

- Listen, Buttwipe, I
think you're full of shit.

- Sorry you don't believe
me but I speak the truth.

- You could have told a
bit less of a whopper.

Sure, these aren't the
sharpest knives in the drawer

and you could have gotten away

with more than a little embellishment,

but you fell well within the margins

of even their mental
limitations with that.

- So Normandy, why don't
you tell us something

about yourself that no one else knows?

- Well, let's see.

I can run a four minute mile.

- Oh, I call bullshit on that one.

I didn't know this was who
could tell the biggest lie.

I mean, you can hardly walk

and chew bubblegum at the
same time, let alone run.

- Yeah, the only thing running
on you, Normandy Meadows,

is your mouth.

- Sorry I participated.

- Norm, I find that very hard to believe.

I mean, I know Francois was lying

and as much as I want to believe
you, I just don't see it.

- I'm not gonna go run the mile for you

just to prove it to you right now.

There's no way the antiques
would give us permission

on mandatory family night
to skip out right now.

- Who said we need to get
permission from the 'rents?

- I ran track freshman year

and no one in the entire school district,

or state for that matter,

could pull off anything
close to a four minute mile.

Normandy, you're full of shit.

- You accused me of telling a whopper.

- Well, I'm sure our parents
would shit a brick anyway

if they found we'd snuck out.

I mean, all they'd have to do
is come down to the basement

and see that, woo, we floated the coop.

- I didn't think you
were telling the truth.

- Busted, Norm.

Next time, don't shoot
so high with the lie.

- You are so lame.

- Hey, Marble Stack, you got
a stopwatch on that thing?

- Accurate to six decimal places.

Okay, let's do this.

I'm not going out in this heat.

I'll be upstairs enjoying
lemonade and the AC

while you idiots waste time at the track.

- This'll be entertaining.

- Why would she humiliate
herself like this?

- Start the countdown, Pickle Pincher.

Are you sure?

- Yes, I'm sure.

Now give me a count, Miami Meat Tent.

And that's how we ended June 14th.

It was the first time I ever
ran the four minute mile

in front of anyone
other than Granny Chick.

She was my trainer and
always encouraged me.

Granny was clearly aware
of the media frenzy

that would follow should I
ever go public with this.

I didn't want the attention or the fame.

I have no desire to be in the record books

or up on the podium receiving
an Olympic gold medal.

I did it for myself, and mostly for her.

In many ways, it seems she
got more from it than I did.

Seeing her joy was my reward.

Banish June 14th to the history books.

Next Friday, we will be at
Manberry Pudding Pack's house.

Giddy-up.

As I pull up to my house,
I do not like what I see.

I recognize several family members' cars

in the driveway and on the street.

This almost always means one thing.

Something bad has happened.

My beloved Granny Chick died
in her sleep of natural causes.

I lost one of the most
important people in my life

and my one and only true best friend.

I had a special bond with my grandmother,

unlike any bond I have today.

Everyone always said, "You're
your grandmother's child."

That's how much alike we were.

I know you're in a better place

and where you always
said you wanted to be.

And I know God was waiting
for you with open arms

and probably some trepidation.

I don't know if heaven can
handle a personality like yours.

When the time comes
that we're both up there

at the same time, well, watch out.

Might have to build a separate
wing just for the both of us.

I know that you're safe and
happy and very, very tan.

I'm jealous that God has you and I don't.

God, just please watch over her

and if she ever acts up
or uses colorful language,

just please remember
that you created her and,

and tell her I love her and I miss her.

- Mandy, thank you so much.

- For what?

- For doing all the things you did

with your grandmother
the last several weeks.

You know, she told me that
you made her feel younger.

She couldn't stop talking about you.

- I really miss her, Grandad.

- So do I.

But I want you to think
about her as she was in life,

not in death.

You know, even as she got older,

she still acted like she was in her 20s.

She was a wonderfully feisty woman.

Life so full of zest.

You and she are certainly
cut from the same cloth.

- How long until this hurt goes away?

- Honey, believe me, it
will get better someday.

I've lost many loved ones.

The pain is terrible,
sometimes almost unbearable.

But you learn to reflect upon
the life of the one you loved

and you think about the
many great times we shared

and knowing that you'll be together again,

that's what takes away the hurt.

I love you, Normandy.

And I want to thank you

for helping your grandmother
those last several weeks,

being so good to her.

You know, I found something
in your grandmother's room.

I can't quite make out what it is

but it's got your name on it.

Thought that you should have it.

- May I keep this, Norman G. Meadows?

- Yes, you can, Normandy Dell Meadows.

Screw the Blue Club?

Oh.

You'll be better.

Holding this
in my hands meant more to me

at this moment than anything in the world.

I don't know how far Granny Chick got

with her Screw the Blue Club

but to know I played a small role

in this effort of hers
is so very comforting.

Never realized how good a
soccer player my dad is.

Damn, even though he's getting
older, he's still got game.

Over the course of the
last two soccer games,

I certainly have a better
appreciation of my dad's ability

and I think this motley crew
is having the same feeling

about their respective pops.

Our first mandatory game together,

Bentley was trying to pick up girls

and nowhere in sight as usual

and Buford was playing grab ass.

Francois was analyzing the intricacies

of the migratory bird life

and Olivia was filing her nails.

Other than my unplanned impromptu
appearance on the field,

none of us were really
paying much attention.

- Sorry about your grandmother.

I know that you were close.

- Thanks, Lolly Catcher.

- We all signed a card for you.

- Sorry for your loss, Norm.

- Thanks, guys.

I really appreciate the thought.

- Two great goals tonight by Meadows here.

- Thanks, but I couldn't have done it

without two awesome assists,
one from Roy over there

and the other from Piere.

And you, by the way, I don't
think I saw a single goal

get past you on defense tonight.

Nice job.

- And it's so great

to see the kids finally taking
an interest in the game.

Were they watching us play?

- It was like night and
day from the first game.

They couldn't take their
eyes off the field.

- Yeah, probably hoping

your Normandy would make
an appearance tonight.

- You know, all I know is

that when I looked up from the field

and got the thumbs up from Olivia,

I thought we had passed
through some alternate universe

where everything was just the
opposite of what it should be.

- If that were the case,

then you would no longer
be a crossdresser.

- And you would be John Holmes.

- I just think it's really great

that they're participating in life

and in our lives in a human way,

and not some artificial
electronic, you know, digital way.

- So, Marcy, you don't
want Normandy to grow up

to be a robot?

- I don't want any of
our kids to be a robot.

- I read recently that
if grandparents want

to watch their grandchildren grow up,

they have to join all of
these social media sites

just to become friends
with their grandchildren.

- So sad.

- Sad but true.

If this experiment has a positive impact

on at least one of our children,

it is a complete success
as far as I'm concerned.

- I agree with that.

I hope all our kids get
something positive from this.

- Well, at least they're all
outside talking to each other,

human to human.

- If this were three weeks ago,

they would be sitting next to each other,

staring at their phones without
ever looking at one another.

- Well, I hope that
they're all getting along

and having some type of
meaningful conversation.

- Do you guys remember, right
before we got off for summer,

you know that Thursday we had off

for parent-teacher conferences?

- Yeah, I vividly remember

because Mrs. Stratford,
who happens to hate me,

gave me a D in Home Ec and I
was totally in the hot seat.

But then I just convinced my parents

that she's borderline mental
and hates girls like me.

- What, uptight bitchy girls?

- No, Wiener Challenged, classy girls.

- That's a good one, Wiener Challenged.

- Whoa there, Ding-a-ling Fling.

You're entering familiar territory.

Now can we nuke the sideshow
antics and let Buford continue?

Might be the last time he
ever shares anything with us.

- Yeah, guys, I wanna hear this.

Buford, the stage is yours.

- Okay, this never goes beyond our group

and if it does, I will deny it forever.

- You're among friends here.

- Relax, dude, we got your back.

Yes, you're among friends.

- Yes, you're among friends.

- Okay, all right.

So my mom asked me to run a
quick errand, go to the store.

She gives me a list, I grab the list,

put it in my pocket, get
in my car, go to the store.

I pull it out and I go down item by item

and I find everything
in order on the list.

I know I'm not really much of a shopper

and this is kind of my first time,

so you know, I'm just
grabbing the usual stuff.

I grab milk, I grab a thing
of bread, I grab some apples.

But the last item on the
list was unthinkable.

- Come on, big boy, let it out.

Set yourself free.

- Was it toilet paper?

Was it condoms?

- No, worse.

- Hemorrhoid ointment?

- Worse than that.

- Dude, what could be worse
than hemorrhoid ointment?

- It was tampons.

- Dude, that's just plain cruel.

- That's child abuse.

- Oh, come on, it's not that
bad, Bratwurst Bath Cap, geez.

- You have no idea.

- Yeah, you're a girl.

No self-respecting card-carrying male

should ever allow himself to be exposed

to that level of humiliation.

- I agree.

That's borderline corporal punishment.

- Oh, well, then what happened?

Come on, burning daylight here.

Tell us.

- Okay, all right.

It took forever to scope
out the tampon aisle

and locate the right
brand and type, right?

And so I thought, you
know, when I got there,

I'd just grab the first
box I saw and leave.

But then I thought I don't
know how picky women are

about their tampons.

So I thought if I got the wrong one,

then I would have to return to the store,

return the item, go find
the right item, buy it,

and then come back.

So I thought I would just
consolidate my hell of hells

and get the right one the first time

because I didn't want
to risk a return trip.

Okay, so anyway, I'm
scoping out the tampon aisle

and I had to view the tampon aisle

from a strategic vantage point

while pretending to
look for something else.

As soon as I located the right ones

and double checked that
no one was in the area,

I made my move.

I waited for the checkout
lane to become available,

where no one was waiting.

- Hello.

You're wearing a Parker High jersey.

Play football?

- Yeah, mid linebacker.

I'm sorry, can't hear you.

- I'm sorry, it's my throat.

Laryngitis maybe.

- Oh, you should try that
lemon eucalyptus tea.

What's your name?

- Buckingham.

Buford Buckingham.

- Buford Buckingham.

You know, my husband and I
have not missed a game there

for eight seasons.

We'll keep an eye out for ya.

I couldn't believe my luck.

I only had one item left to go

and I would've been out
of there, home free.

- Hey, Sarah, do you know
where the bar code is

for these tampons?

- No, I don't know.

Isn't it on the box?

Well, call it in for a price check, honey.

- I need a price check
for a 36 count tampon

for this young man wearing the
jersey in lane four, please?

Price is $2.35
for a 16 count package.

- I needed a price check
for a 36 count package

of Lady Fresh Tampons, not 16.

- No, no, no, it's okay,
I'll just leave 'em here.

- Are you sure?

I mean, I'd really hate for you to leave

without these tampons.

- Yes, I'm sure.

I'll just buy all this other
stuff and I'll head home.

People are waiting in line here.

36 count, $5.29.

- Cancel that price check
for a 36 count tampon

for Buford Buckingham
in lane four, please.

Canceling
those tampons for Buford.

- Thank you.

Wait, Buford Buckingham,
you forgot your tampons.

- I haven't laughed that
hard in a long time.

Great story, Buford.

- Yeah, I would've paid
money to have been there.

- I think I peed my pants.

No, I'm serious, I think I peed my pants.

- Come with me, Olivia, I got you covered.

- So, guys, what do you think?

Ginger or Mary Ann?

What do you mean?

- Oh, come on.

Like you've never seen Gilligan's Island.

- I watched it with my dad a few times.

- Oh, yeah, I've seen that before,

at 3:00 a.m. on cable.

I still don't know what
you're asking though.

- Come on, you got Ginger,
the Hollywood royalty type,

or you have Mary Ann, the
girl next door type, you know?

- Oh, I see where you're going with this.

You're asking which girl is more our type.

So we got the Olivia, who
is the Hollywood royalty,

IE Ginger, or Normandy,
who is the girl next door,

IE Mary Ann.

- Bravo, Speedo.

Connecting the dots like that?

- Well, Olivia's beautiful and all,

but Normandy is, well, I mean,

Normandy is smart and now
we know that she's athletic.

And well, she's just, you know.

- Francis likes Normandy.

Well, I
mean, Normandy's cute and,

so what do you prefer?

Ginger or Mary Ann?

- Well, right now,

Mrs. Howell's more my type.

- Hey, hey, hey, that's not fair.

I didn't know that was a choice.

- Oh, come on.

What red-blooded American 16
year old doesn't fantasize

about older women?

Mrs. Robinson wasn't a
fairytale of days gone by.

It is as true today as it was back then.

- Yeah.

Older women for sure.

- Well, Bent, haven't heard from you yet.

- I like 'em all.

Mary Ann, Ginger, Mrs. Howell.

That's like asking me to
choose between acoustic,

electric, or a bass guitar.

They're all a little bit different,

each has their own different sound.

Nonetheless, they'd all be fun to play.

My guess though is if I had to choose,

I'd rather take Mary Ann
out of the guitar case

more than the others.

- Mary Ann?

What are you boys talking about?

- We were, uh, just talking about guitars.

- You named your guitar Mary Ann?

- What's wrong with that?

Lots of people name their guitars.

Hell, even Norm's grandma
calls her guitar Brutus.

I'm sorry, Norm.

I didn't mean to bring anything
up that might upset you.

- I miss her so much.

Is it okay if we change the subject

and maybe do that thing
where someone says something

that no one else knows about them?

- Sure, I'm sorry, I'm
so stupid sometimes.

Yeah, that
sounds like a good idea.

- I wanna start.

The thing about me that
no one else knows is

I really need a hug right now.

- I wonder how the kids are getting along.

Would you look at that?

- We must have done something right.

- Never seen you wear
normal clothes before.

You know, like stuff that
costs under $100 an item?

- Olivia, you look really nice like that.

- Well, thanks.

Funny how it takes me
wearing non-designer clothes

to finally get a compliment around here.

No offense, Normandy.

- None taken.

I think it's more than
just the clothes though.

For the past few weeks,

I think we've all seen a different
side of your personality.

Maybe one we'd never seen before.

- Storm's about to hit.

We should get inside before we get soaked.

- Good call, Ouch Pouch.

Here, I can get the trash

and I can meet you all inside.

- Francois.

- Oh, hi, Mrs. Milf, Miller.

- Why don't you just set those
plates down here on the table

and I'll get 'em later.

Francois.

Francois.

What's wrong with you?

It's like you have tunnel vision.

- Yeah, tunnel vision.

- Why don't you just take these

and go join your friends.

Everyone is in the living room.

- Oh, is that a picture
of nipple, Napoleon Boner,

Napoleon Bonaparte, Napoleon Bonaparte?

- Yes, it's Napoleon Bonaparte.

Have you been drinking tonight?

- No, no, Mrs. Milf, Milfer,
Miller, Miller, Miller.

We were, I was just outside
picking up ass, trash,

trash, trash before the storm

and it got nipple, nippy,
nippy, you know, cold outside.

And I was just ready to
join the breast, the rest,

the rest of them before the
weather got titty, shitty.

Oh, I'm sorry, I said shitty,

it's just I'm not myself tonight.

You know, I'm just trying
to get into the boob,

the groove, the groove of things.

So wow, I've said enough.

It's good seeing all of you

and I'll be in there if you need me.

- Piere, how long you been in the States?

- Almost 20 years now.

- Now what was it you did before medicine?

- The last thing I did before medicine was

a very short stint as a rodeo clown,

but injury cut my clowning days short.

- No kidding?

Piere, you were a rodeo clown?

- I know, it sounds crazy.

But I guess I was young and dumb.

You kids can learn something from this.

- Yeah, like it's fine to be young

but try to avoid the dumb part.

- You know, Piere, I rode
the circuit for years.

Did you clown in France?

- No, here in the States.

Wyoming, Colorado, mainly back in the 80s.

- So what happened?

I really don't
like talking about this much.

- You know, they said
it was the worst hang up

the old timers had ever seen.

The cowboy, he rode this
bull for a good eight seconds

and then when he decided to dismount,

he found that his hand was
cinched so tight in the rope

that he couldn't free himself.

Meanwhile, the bull was still bucking

and spinning relentlessly.

And so the cowboy's body
gets thrown off the bull

but his hand is still
attached by the rope.

And, I mean, the poor
guy tried to free himself

for a good two minutes.

He just struggled

but finally he was just
knocked unconscious.

And then his body was flailing
around like a ragdoll,

I mean it was just terrible.

But Piere, bless his heart,

he went out there and
did everything he could

to try to help the cowboy,

but it wasn't until his fingers all broke

and his hand finally
released from the rope

that then he just fell,
lifeless, face down in the dirt.

But that wasn't even the end of the story.

- The cowboy laid there unconscious

and the bull was angry
and looking for a target.

The bull focused in on
the defenseless cowboy.

The clown knew the cowboy
was a defenseless target,

an easy target.

That brave clown jumped
in front of the bull,

drawing his attention
away from the cowboy.

This rodeo clown put his life on the line

over and over again, taking
multiple injuries to himself

and getting back up each time

to keep the bull's focus on
him instead of the cowboy.

There were three clowns there that day

but only one had the
courage and the fortitude

to put his own life on the line

to save a man he did not know.

That brave man sitting right
there saved my life that day.

I looked for nearly
five years to find him,

to thank him personally.

Last I heard, he left the country.

- Every week, we are learning more

about ourselves and our parents.

Would we have all gathered as a group

and shared these intimate
moments without being forced to?

I'm starting to wonder
if this wireless journey

is turning into a good thing.

How could something so unanimously opposed

by the five of us turn into
something that we might cherish?

What else in my life did
I oppose so vehemently

that may have born an
unforeseen positive outcome?

It makes me wonder.

Banish June 21st to the history books.

Next week, it's off to Bentley's house.

Hot diggety dog.

Through use of smoke signals
and other ancient techniques,

we were able to communicate
with each other.

Although the method of
communication was primitive

and took longer than
more modern techniques,

it was nonetheless effective.

Because it was our last week
living a digital-free life,

we thought we would celebrate.

By use of human carrier pigeon,

we hatched a plan to
meet at Kensington Park

on Wednesday at noon sharp

and walk together to partake
in the culinary delight

of the best ice cream in the free world.

A fitting treat for an unlikely crew.

Imagine barfing those out.

- Hey, sweet thing.

How about we take a stroll?

- No thanks.

- I wasn't asking.

- I'm kinda scared.

- Normandy, you're the fastest.

Go get help.

- I'm not leaving Olivia's side.

- Okay, well, Francois, go get help.

- Okay, help is here.

- This is no time to joke, Dong Throng.

- Francois, I told you to go get help.

- I am the help.

- What are you doing?

- Please leave us alone.

- We have a hero here.

Lucky for me, I have something for heroes.

- We don't want any trouble here.

- Really, bitch?

You must be shitting me.

- Listen, Nicki Minaj,
I would never shit you.

You're my prize turd.

- So, Muscles, what are you

and your scrawny little
ass gonna do about it?

- I will be forced to
unleash a flurry of punches

and kicks precisely over the
entirety upon your bodies.

- You and what army?

- I need no army.

I'm an army of one.

You missed me.

Oh shit.

- Oh, oh, oh, ow, oh!

That is disgusting, oh.

- Thanks.

- For what?

- For sticking with me.

That was really brave.

- Francois, you are awesome, dude!

- Yeah, didn't know you had
it in you, Weenie Bikini.

- Dude, I thought you were lying

about that whole martial arts thing.

- Yeah, Francois, you were so good.

When Normandy told that
asshole he was her prize turd,

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

You know we're playing
that same team tonight.

You know, the one that laid
your dad out on the field?

- Oh, I know.

And I'm ready just in case
that ass gasket shows up again.

I'm gonna walk over there

and see if he's foolish
enough to show his face.

- I'll go with you.

Me too, Normandy.

You can always count on me.

- Thanks, Groat Tote.

I can always count on all of you.

- Shit, Norm, there he is.

- Where?

- Oh, I see the rat.

- Where is he?

I don't see him.

- I can't believe he had
the nads to show up here.

There he is, Nantucket Nadbucket.

Right past the bald guy.

- So what are you gonna do?

- Okay, I came prepared
just in case this happened.

Here's what we have to do.

Too bad Bentley isn't here.

- So, uh, hi.

I know that you're like
stretching and water,

water, water, yeah.

The water boy.

I'm the water boy for the other team,

my dad's on the other team,

but I can also be your water
boy too, so that's a twist,

that's just kind of a twist

that the soccer league is doing right now.

So relax, laxative, you
know, so relax, relax.

You seem to be stretching all right.

You know, muscles can get really tense

so you always gotta stretch, you know,

even muscles in your ears too
can get even tense right now

but just passing,
passing, passing the time

while you're stretching is a great way

to relax those muscles.

But yeah, it looks like
you've got it, so great game.

- I'm gonna take this guy out again.

Watch this, I'm gonna roll
his ass across the field,

make him do a lipstand.

What the hell?

Jason, get over here.

What, man, you hurt yourself?

- No, I shit myself.

I can't get up in front
of all these people.

I completely shit myself.

- Oh, that's messed up, man.

- Looks like you're going about

to attempt another flagrant
foul on my dad, D-bag.

That is, until you had a bit of a blowout.

I suggest you men stay upwind

of your Captain Poopy Pants here.

What I and I'm sure all
your teammates are wondering

right about now is why,

before trying to maliciously
take down my dad again,

you reached around to your backside

and opened up the floodgate
valve on the Hershey highway.

I told you not to show up
to another game, didn't I?

Stay hydrated.

- Bottoms up.

- This is not an appropriate
place to blow mud

and just for your information,

there is no appropriate place
to drop a deuce in public.

- Every time I see you, it
will get progressively worse.

Capiche?

- Yes, capiche.

Who the hell are you anyway?

- Normandy.

Normandy is my name.

- Sorry I've been such a bitch
the last few weeks, you guys.

I could blame it on the group
of people I hang out with

or just me wanting to be popular,

but I really have no one else
to blame other than myself.

- You've come a long way,
girl, in just four weeks.

Next week, you can go
back to being a bitch.

- That's right, we go
back to the digital world.

- Yeah, back to normal, right?

- I never thought I'd make it 30 days

without my phone or the internet

but sitting here next to Mangina Suit,

I don't even miss it that much.

- I know, it's kinda weird, isn't it?

- Speaking of weird, has
anybody seen Bentley?

- Yeah, we are at his house,

so it would be nice if he
came out from his mancave

and decided to make an appearance.

- Hey, Bent, you gonna
make an appearance tonight?

- What the hell?

Where's Bentley?

- OMG, you look...

- Fantastic.

- Yeah, fantastic.

- If you had walked by me on the street,

I would not have recognized you.

- Okay, so something about
me that no one else knows.

Well, this is the real me.

Without all the makeup, the
jewelry, and the wild clothes,

I'm not that rocker guy.

I never was that rocker guy.

I only pretended to be him
so that I could look cool

and get a girlfriend.

I don't do drugs.

I never have and I never will.

When I'm not pretending
to be Mr. Rock and Roll,

I listen to Reba McEntire,
Simon and Garfunkel,

Kenny Chesney, James
Taylor, and John Denver.

- No shit.

- I also happen to have a 4.0 GPA.

I've received first honors every year

since my freshman year.

But I told the school to take
my name out of the honors list

because I thought it might
interfere with my image.

I don't feel like I need to pretend

to be someone that I'm not anymore

to look cool and get a girlfriend.

If the girl I like turns me down,

I'll simply take the pain and move on.

I'm done pretending to
be someone that I'm not.

- Wow, Bentley, I had no idea.

- I think what you're doing is admirable.

- I agree.

It takes some serious balls to
completely change your image,

you know, the one that you
built over the last two years.

- I don't think you'll have any
trouble finding a nice girl.

- I already found one.

I started dating her several weeks ago.

- That's great.

Good for you, Bent.

- Where is she from?

- Around here.

- What's she like?

- She's beautiful, inside and out.

She has an amazing personality
and a killer sense of humor.

I can't imagine her not being in my life.

- Well, how come you never
mentioned her before?

- Because I wasn't sure if
she'd have me as her boyfriend.

I'm still not sure.

- Wait, I thought that you
said that you were dating her.

- I have been.

I just don't know if she's been dating me.

- Man, you're not making much sense.

- How would you not know
if she was dating you?

- Yeah, why don't you just ask her?

- I'm trying to.

- What's her name?

- Normandy is her name.

- Normandy is my name.

- The one and only.

- I liked you as a rocker
and as you are now.

The clothing, the hair, and the makeup

could never change the
true person you are.

So there you have it.

In 30 days of what I initially pegged

as digital-less purgatory
and a nightmare on steroids

turned out to be arguably some
of the best days of my life.

Although I lost my best
friend, Granny Chick,

I also gained four new best friends,

one of which is Olivia of all people.

And to top it off, I
also gained a boyfriend

who likes me for being me.

I'm sure Granny Chick is smiling right now

as her Screw the Blue movement

is now an American phenomenon.

It's hard to go anywhere
and not see the impact.

In retrospect, this
digital-free journey was one

of the best things that
has ever happened to me.

It gave me precious time with Granny Chick

and it allowed me to
connect and bond with people

that otherwise I wouldn't.

The five of us are best friends

and to this day, whenever we get together,

no matter where we are, each
of us follow an unwritten rule.

It has never been broken by any of us

and I don't think it ever will.

Free from outside distractions

and bound by the most basic
of human interaction we share,

we connect and we accept each other.

Normandy is my name

and you can banish June
28th to the history books.

By the way, Bentley did write that song

loosely based on my harmless poking fun

of the widely admired

and sometimes required
European men's swimwear.

I think he may actually have a hit.

Can't wait to see it make
a run on the iTunes chart.

- Oh, he is really sexy.

- Who?

- The guy in the Speedo, I
like his choice in swimwear.

- That's disgusting.

♪ I'm gonna have a meltdown ♪

♪ I'm gonna have a meltdown ♪

♪ And when I do ♪

♪ There'll be no room for you ♪

♪ I'm gonna have a meltdown ♪

♪ I'm gonna have to roll down ♪

♪ South through LA ♪

♪ There I might be okay ♪

♪ Quiet night will set me straight ♪

♪ I'm gonna stand my own ground ♪

♪ I'm gonna stand my own ground ♪

♪ We'll find a way ♪

♪ And maybe I'll stay ♪

♪ Renowned, bound to my faith ♪

♪ On down the road ♪

♪ On down that dark and lonely road ♪

♪ On down the road ♪

♪ Happiness ♪

♪ Is no joke ♪

♪ I'm gonna hold my arms out ♪

♪ I'm gonna hold my arms out ♪

♪ And welcome you ♪

♪ Back into my room ♪

♪ I was gone ♪

♪ Gone ♪

♪ But now I'm home ♪

♪ I'm gonna hold my arms out ♪

♪ I'm gonna hold my arms out ♪

♪ And welcome you ♪

♪ Back into my room ♪

♪ I was gone ♪

♪ Gone ♪

♪ But now I'm home ♪

♪ Meltdown ♪

♪ I'm gonna have a meltdown ♪

♪ I'm gonna have a meltdown ♪

♪ I'm gonna have a meltdown ♪