No Way Jose (2015) - full transcript

♪ I'm a little boy, I'm a
little boy, I'm a little boy

♪ I'm a little boy blue

♪ I'm a little boy, I'm a
little boy, I'm a little boy

♪ I'm a little boy blue

♪ Are you a little girl, you a
little girl You a little girl

♪ You a little girl true?

♪ I am so lethal
green little... springs

♪ I can't pass

♪ Kind of lonely
and filled with our...

♪ Are you a little girl, you a
little girl You a little girl

♪ You a little girl true?



♪ 'Cause I'm a little boy, I'm
a little boy I'm a little boy

♪ I'm a little boy true

Come on!

♪ I'm a little boy blue ♪

Yeah! (CHEERING)

Thank you.

Thank you. Thanks, man.

You've been
a wonderful crowd. Uh...

Well, uh, we're, uh, Jose

and, uh, the Borges!

Thank you.

(MOUTHING)

Oh, and... (CLEARS THROAT)
Happy birthday,

Emerson.



Over here, pal.

Okay, they don't care.

All right.

MAN: Jose.

Uh, no, I'm good. You should
probably put those in a cup

or something, you know?

'Cause I don't know
what the protocol is exactly.

BAND MEMBER: The cable's better
than at the Tiffany, fuckers.

(sums)

Hey! Good job!

KATE: Violet, don't take Emerson's
cake, honey. Apologize.

Hey, man, you sounded good.

(COUGHING) Okay. Okay.

It's okay. It's all right.

(CHUCKLING) Is that a new one
or is that the same one or...

No, it's a new one. Yeah.

You guys sounded so great.

Didn't they? Really, yes.

Don't you miss it, buddy?

Well, I do.

Really? You want to play
for little...

Well, it's similar
to playing to drunks.

I guess that's true.

Oh, my God, how are you guys?

I feel like it's been forever
since we've seen you.

Well, we finally
settled on a honeymoon.

Hey! Oh, my God! Where?

Well, it was between
kidnapping and hijacking.

I chose kidnapping.

Mexico.

You can't drive to Hawaii,
apparently.

So now we just have to figure out
what we're doing for his 40th.

No, I think we discussed that.

I'm going to blow my head
off right after cake.

Oh, so you're doing
that this year.

You're not gonna
go to Santa Barbara?

No, I was gonna blow
my head off in Santa Barbara.

So, yes,
but I thought this year

we should do a party,
too, right?

Yes, you should!

GABE: You gotta have a party.
Come on. Listen.

Wait a minute. Isn't your birthday
like, the day before Violet's?

The day after, yes.

You guys, we should
totally do a joint party.

Sorry? (GASPS) Yes!

Like a cradle
to the grave theme.

Yes, exactly!

No, it would be so cute.

Yes!

Besides, you don't have that
many friends, right, Jose?

That's right, Kate, I don't
have that many friends.

Oh, my God,
and you guys should play.

Ever since I started
repping Lil' Vegan,

I know all these
music industry people.

That would be so great.

JOSE: All right,
let me think about this.

Can Gabe play with us?

Sure. (SCOFFS)

Why not?
"'51" “ one sis. Right?

JOSE: (CHUCKLES) Oh, buddy.

Honey, you feeling all right?
Yes, I'm all right.

DUSTY: All right.
Well, then, it's settled.

Yeah, you got your party.
I did.

Hey, what do you say
we go get some...

You guys want to get
some real lunch or...

Oh, you know what, we would,

but we got to go to another
party, a friend of Fred's.

Fred is... Fred has friends?
DUSTY: He's so adorable.

I don't know.

MAN 1: I don't know, man. MAN 2:
This goes first, this goes first.

I think this is a sign of things to
come, and it's not looking good.

Yeah, Dusty's
pulling some Yoko shit.

Oh, God.

Did that thing work?

I don't know. My neck
kind of feels better,

but now my fucking
armpits are killing me.

(CHUCKLES) Oh, no.

Ah, God, this is a disaster.

What, you guys sounded great.

Honey, I just sang a song
about my mother leaving me

with my suicidal father
for two years

while she banged her way
through Kathmandu

to a bunch of four-year-olds who think
it's about a tiny little sheep herder.

You're doing so good.

Six hundred more
gigs like this,

I can finally get you a ring.

Honey, just get me a Cracker Jack ring.
I told you, I don't care.

I do.

(MAN COUGHS)

DUSTY: Well, you know what,
maybe if you guys

didn't sing
the old Borges stuff...

JOSE: No, no, no, no, no.

And you wrote some new
stuff for the kids...

No. No. No... It wouldn't
feel like such a violation.

No. No.

I just can't write songs about
sissy and Bamm-Bamms and binkies.

I just can't do it.

It's fortuitous enough that my
songs are about stunted adults.

EMERSON: Excuse me, sir.

(LAUGHS)

What is it, little man?

You're good at playing. Thanks
for coming to my big boy party.

Oh, you're very welcome and I hope
you have a very good big boy year.

Okay, We-

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Jeez! Are you okay?

Yeah. No, I'm good. Let's go.

REPORTER: (ON RAND) In Mexico
today, six severed heads

were reunited with their bodies

when officials
discovered the heads

over 30 miles from where
their bodies were recovered

nearly two years ago.

Another gruesome chapter
in the seemingly

infinite Mexican...
(CHANGES STATION)

(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

(CLEARS THROAT)

JOSE: You know, it's not too
late to change our minds.

DUSTY: Yeah, actually it is.

I bought it with coupons.
JOSE: Coupons?

DUSTY: Mmm-hmm.

(CHUCKLES) It's barely
Mexico, it's Baja.

It's like we're driving
to San Diego.

It's gonna be fine.

JOSE: So steep.

It's good exercise.

(GROANS)

I miss the old apartment,
honey.

You hated the old apartment.

Is that right?

Yeah. Okay.

JOSE: Good for the gluts.
Mmm-hmm.

DUSTY: Hey, that was really
nice of Kate to offer

to host your party
and have the band play, huh?

JOSE: That was
really nice, yeah.

They seem beat though, huh?

I mean, like, more than usual.

DUSTY: I didn't notice.

Really? Honey,
Gabe is aging in dog years.

I thought he looked great.

See now, how can I trust you
to assess my own decay?

You think
everybody looks great.

I don't. Yes, you do.

No, I don't. Honey.

(GASPS) I'm kidding.
You're a very, very,

very handsome, ugly...

Oh, I heard this study on NPR

that if you don't have kids you're
gonna effectively suspend your age.

Beautiful and lonely,
sounds great.

Where are my Breathe Right?

They didn't seem
stir-crazy to you?

How can you seem
stir-crazy in a park?

(SNAPS FINGERS) Exactly.

That's right, how can you
seem stir-crazy at a park?

And yet somehow they've
managed to achieve this.

I think it's sweet.
Their little life with

park parties
and nesting at home.

I don't know if that's nesting so
much as it is Stockholm Syndrome.

You know they wanted
to move to Tokyo, right?

What? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They were gonna do
that house swap thing.

Before the kids were born.

But then they ended up
with a dud UvaDisc.

Oh.

We use UvaDisc.

(CLEARS THROAT)

What? Japan.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, Japan, Japan.

Kate is an obsessive
Japanophile.

She never talks about it
'cause it's too depressing.

I don't know,
maybe we should use

a cervical cap or something.

Yeah, if you want
to use it as a butt plug.

Wow.

(CLEARS THROAT)

It's depressing.

I mean, you know, Kate
used to be an attorney

for homeless veterans.

Now she's got to represent little
miniature white vegetarian rappers.

Just so they, you know, they
can maintain their overhead

and remodel that Gray
Gardens backyard of theirs.

So doing well is a curse
and being broke is a curse.

Uh, yeah, that's right. Okay.

Oh, shit.

You know, I still think
it would be really nice

to go away for your birthday.

Just, you know, maybe we go to
Santa Barbara on the actual day.

Santa Barbara on
the actual day?

Yeah.

Well, let me think about it,

uh, in song.

(STRUMMING)

You know you're supposed to
wind down before bed, not up.

Honey, I took like 11 Ambien.
I'll be dead in two minutes.

Santa Barbara.

Right, Santa Barbara. Um...

Okay, Santa Barbara. Focus.

Honey, I... (EXHALES)

I just don't want to be
anywhere when I turn

four... You know... The thing.

Look, we're going to Mexico, right?
Mmm-hmm.

That's good. We're gonna go to
Mexico right after the arraignment.

And then... Wedding.

Well, I know. It's in a court so it's
really more like an arraignment.

You didn't want a big wedding.
I'm gonna kill you!

I wanted a huge wedding.

I wanted a massive wedding.

Great, let's do it.

I want a gigantic wedding.

With thousands of...

With just thousands
of family members.

Okay. I want a huge wedding.

DUSTY: Ow! What is that?

JOSE: What, what, what?
That burning?

Honey, it's my sports rub.

Oh, got to warn me.

Assume it's always on.

Ugh.

(sums)

Jesus Christ.

Pillows everywhere.

Cute.

E-mail from the PTA.

PTA?

You're not...

No, God forbid.

Okay, okay, I was just...
You're safe.

Because that'd be a funny
way to find out, you know?

No, I signed up
for the Friends of Balboa

elementary school mailing list.

Honey, don't you think
that's a little premature?

I mean, we're not
even married yet.

No, but we're gonna be
and I thought it'd be good

to get involved
in the neighborhood.

I mean, that's why you moved to
Glendale, right, for the services?

(CHUCKLES) No, that was
for the interminably

long commute back
into civilization.

Oh.

Oh, Jesus!

What?

This is so gross.

What?

They sent me a link
to a sex crimes registry app.

(FINGERS SLIDING ON STRINGS)

Ugh.

There's an app for that?

Yeah, apparently.

What are you doing?

(STAMMERING)
No, no, no, honey, don't.

You're downloading? You don't
want to download that.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, give it. Stop it.
Honey...

You don't 'cause then your
phone gets filled with smut

and then you get, uh...

(GASPS) "iPervert would like
to use your real location."

"Allow?" Yes, allow. No, don't allow.
Honey, don't allow.

Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa. You
really don't want to allow.

Hey, calm down on the Ambien. You're
gonna pee in the closet again.

I mean, you don't...
Edward Snowden.

What? Stop, will you quit it?

What... Babe.

I'm feeling
a little, uh, woozy.

Um, maybe from the...
Go get a snack.

(STAMMERS) Yeah, I...

No. Well, could you get
me a slice of cheese?

I have an idea.

Would you like some cheese?
No, thank you.

You don't want to share
some cheese with me?

No. Are you sure?

(CHUCKLES)
No, but I'm thinking...

You don't want any cheese?

You know, we could have like a
fondue party, all '70s-style.

I already brushed my teeth.
Going once.

No, thank you. All right.

We can invite our friends over.
We get weird.

Things could get weird.
You are getting weird.

Okay, I'm gonna get some cheese.
Okay.

Okay, we're the blue dot.

JOSE: You cool on cheese? Yep.

Ugh!

(GROANS)

(BEEPS) (GASPS)

You want some cheese?

Your mom's mom
left your mom's dad

right after
she was born, right?

Hmm.

And your grandfather
refused to ever

mention your grandmother's name

and your mom spent her entire
adult life looking for her.

Is that right?

Mmm-hmm. That's right. Mmm-hmm.

And then when she found her, she
learned that her biological father

was actually some
mariachi guy in Mexico

that her mom had
a one night stand with

and so you

re-christened or
de-Jewished yourself

Jose.

That's right. Mmm.

Gramps as it turned out

wasn't Gramps.
It was some guy named Lupe.

And that's the story, that's
why you changed your name?

Yeah, I mean, it's a true story.
(CLEARS THROAT)

It's the story of Jose Stern.

Or is it the story
of Joseph Stern,

the rapist?

I swear to God...

(GROANS)

Oh, fuck. Whoa.

(EXHALES)

Hey. (G ROANS) Honey.

Honey, no, no. (KNOCKING)

Sweetie-kins.

Hey, you got to open the...

Come on, sweetie,
I'm fucked up, man.

Don't call me man.

I'm so hip I even
call my girlfriend man.

I'm your fiancée!

It's from a Dave Frishberg tune.
I played you that record.

How much Ambien did you take?

I took some Ambien.

That's what I, you know... I was
trying to tell you. This is just...

This is not...

Maybe, not the best time
for this.

Yeah, well, maybe you
should have thought of that

when you were doing the raping.

Hey, I didn't do the raping.

That's not how you say it.

Come on, man! Listen,
the whole Jose thing,

that's a real thing, man.

I needed street cred
and the Borges and, man...

And I found out I was an
eighth homey and so, you know.

I'm a homey. I'm an eighth homey.
Okay, okay, okay.

You're Mexican.

Unlike Borges, that's actually
Argentinian, but whatever.

It was a three-week
summer fling, you know?

Okay, I was 18, she was 17.

I mean, we were
the same age basically.

You know, I mean, and let me tell
you a little something, man.

This girl knew
her way around the, uh...

I don't know, the rodeo ring, if
you know what I'm talking about.

Ew! Listen, listen,

the point is... The point is...

Holy shit.

The door is breathing.

Is the door
breathing on your side?

No. Okay.

Look, sweetie, sweetie...

I just wanted
to get laid, that's all.

I just wanted to
lose my virginity. Okay?

But the thing is, honey,

she fell in love with me.

Because guys like me,
they don't just go and...

They can't just get laid.

You know, they have
to write poems and songs,

so I wrote her these songs.

Her name was Gia.
It was like...

♪ Gia ♪

(VOCALIZING)

I can't do it right now.

But the point is,
is that she fell in love.

And she tells her father,
and her father freaks out

because he thinks
she's a virgin.

Which is crazy,
because if you saw

the build on this girl,
it's just not...

Virginity was not an option
for this girl, okay?

The dad...
Honey, you listening?

The dad turns out
to be a sheriff's deputy.

Okay?

And now I'm in an app!

Okay.

Fine.

Why didn't you
tell me this sooner?

I don't know.

Because I...

I was embarrassed, I guess.

You know, I think between
seeing my mommy naked

like way too much as a child

and my father's facts
of life talk consisting of

palming me with a strip of his old
rubbers like he was tipping a

bellhop. What?

Sick shit, right? I mean, this
guy didn't even give me his...

I'm coming. It's the stairs.

You got a house
with too many stairs.

I mean, seriously, honey, they
weren't even reservoir tip.

I mean, they were like vintage

1950 father condoms.

I didn't mean, "What?
Please repeat,"

or "What?
Please free associate."

I've heard these stories.

Okay.

Got... Check.

Oh, okay. So what?

So you lied to me because
your parents have sex organs

and because your dad
is awkward?

I'm saying that it was
a very difficult...

1970s were a difficult
era for a young man

and his mother.

I think that if
you were to think about.

Generation X it would be

less about the letter X

and more about
it maybe being E-X...

Children from, uh, broken...

I'm saying

that maybe it's

not that big of a deal?

That's what you're going with?

You're a registered sex
offender, but it's no big deal.

Given my options, I guess
that's what I'm going with.

Listen, it's not, you know...

(STAMMERS)

I'm Tier 2.

I don't know if you're
familiar with the... No.

Oh, okay.
Well, it's not so bad.

Really, it's not great...
It's not optimal, okay?

But in three years,
I can unregister.

Oh, good!

Come on! It's not
like I was some old man

luring kids into
my underground dungeon.

You're a children's
musician, Jose!

Jesus, why didn't you at least
stop me from doing that?

(STUTTERS) I've tried!

I've been super
passive-aggressive about it!

But

you kept making T-shirts!

(sum-nus)

(BLINDS OPENING) (GRUNTS)

(JOSE GROANS)

(GROANS)

(sum-nus)

JOSE: "Tsipar..."

Tupac Chopra? I have no...

Fucked up neighbors, man.

Glendale, I don't understand.

You always had this,
didn't you?

This

secret was like a ripcord.

You didn't want any of this.

Uh...

(INHALES DEEPLY)

You finally have a good out.

Take it.

♪ You're breakin' my heart

♪ You're tearin' it apart
So fuck you

♪ You won't boogaloo
Run down to Tramps

♪ Have a dance or two, ooh!

♪ You're breakin' my heart

♪ You're tearin' it apart

♪ ...but fuck you ♪

♪ One is the loneliest number

♪ One is the loneliest

♪ One is the loneliest number
That you'll ever do ♪

♪ Then

♪ Then you drifted away

(SOBBING)

♪ When I awoke I found out
I'd been dreaming

♪ Some of my bed clothes
were still on the floor

♪ I looked around
Realized you were leaving... ♪

KATE: How good
Dusty was for him

and how he provided her with
a kind of creative caliber.

Yeah, that's what you said,

but you obviously went into
some sort of alpha state

when I responded with the
occasional skepticism.

KATE: Really, Gabe,
an alpha state?

Honey, don't call me Gabe.

KATE: Why?
That's your name, Gabe.

Yeah, but you know what, I
think sometimes you just...

Guys. Guys. Guys.
Violet, knife! Guys!

Oh, Jesus, oh, Violet.

Violet, get away from your brother.
You're gonna stab him.

Violet! Oh!

Time-out box. (SIGHING)

There's a time-out box?

What, like a hockey player?

Way to keep
an eye on them, babe.

Oh. Right.

I'm a terrible father and
you're mother of the year.

I didn't say that. I just...

No, I mean...
No, you didn't say it.

Maybe you could put your
guitar away for two seconds

when your child is attacking...

And one's standing
in the kitchen.

I guess I just
feel that since...

(COUGHS) (INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

Oh, my God, are you okay?

I'm okay, I'm okay, I'm okay. I
just needed your attention back.

And should I ever actually be
choking, I'm going to do this.

So there's no confusion.

(LAUGHING) Jesus.

Look, ever since
I met her, right...

Ever since the day that we
met, everybody was like,

"Fucked up Jose
found the perfect woman."

Yes.

(GABE AND JOSE LAUGH)

I guess I'm just saying that...

(SIGHS)

That I don't... Who knows
who's perfect for what.

I spent so much time counting
everybody else's blessings,

I don't know that I ever had the
opportunity to count them for myself.

Maybe now you'll have
some objectivity.

Isn't that... Maybe
that's what's happening.

Okay, so look, Jose...
Look, no, no, no, no.

I think she's gonna call.
They always come back.

No, yeah, I know, they always
come back, we always split up.

I mean, isn't it possible that some
people are just meant to be miserable

lonely, old, childless and
alone living with you?

(LAUGHS HEARTILY)

Oh, no, are you gonna like...

Are you gonna screen all her calls?
Like you did with Sophie

and Uli and Penny and...

Yes, yes. Yes, I am. Yes, I am.

Because...
And block her e-mails.

Because it provides
an emotional firewall.

Facebook? No, we were
never Facebook friends.

Precisely in case this ever
happened, I forbade it.

Besides, it provides like a clear
line in the sand, you know?

I mean, this way
she doesn't get hurt

any more and I have clarity,
you know.

I think it's important just that
there be clarity, you know.

Yeah, but I thought that
you had clarity with her.

I think...

I think maybe I had
her clarity.

I don't know. It's unclear.

I lack clarity on the issue.

I mean, she... I mean, look,
let's not forget something.

She packed my bags.

Mmm-hmm.

She packed my bags.
(CLEARS THROAT)

(CLEARS THROAT)

She packed
a sleeping man's bags.

That's like
a Howlin' Wolf tune, man.

I mean, how about a little,
you know, "Hey, fuck her."

You know, "Fuck her."

Frog. Frog. Oh.

Where?

No, we say "frog".

We say "frog" because of the...

Yeah, yeah, I got it, I got it.

There's children. Look.

Honey, you're supposed
to be in time-out.

Violet did a bad thing.

Honey, honey. Say,

"I did a bad thing." (REPEATS)

What happened?

No. Yeah.

No, no, Violet! Not again!
(GABE SIGHS)

Go with Mommy.

KATE: Get in here,
Violet, right now!

(STAMMERS) What'd
the little dickens do?

She has been number one-ing in
our bed since Fred was born.

Sweet Linda Blair.

I'm so sorry.

Okay? Hey, honey,
you got this one?

You know, it's poker night
at Mickey's.

Oh, no, no, pal, I think it may be a
little too soon for the schadenfreude.

No, no. Come on, it'll be good for you.
We got to get out.

KATE: Go, just go. I have
to do my video Pilates.

So what she's saying? Yeah.

KATE: I'll make up your couch, Jose.
Okay. Okay. Okay.

♪ Jams

♪ I, I, I

♪ I wanna

♪ I wanna kick 'em out ♪

What's with the...

When'd you...

When'd you start smoking again?

What do you mean?
I have one occasionally.

All right.

It looks like
a fun way to smoke.

Hey, listen, um... (CLEAR
THROAT) When do you have to

re-register for the rape thing?

(SCOFFS) I can't stay anywhere
longer than two weeks.

Okay. 'Cause obviously,
you know, with the kids

and the neighbors
and Violet's party...

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait,
that's my party, too, buddy.

I'm gonna be a big boy this year.
All right? (GABE LAUGHS)

I know.
Don't worry, don't worry.

Two weeks and I'll be
staying in a hostel.

Not a youth hostel.

(BOTH LAUGH)

(PLAYING MERRY TUNE)

♪ I like cheddar ♪ I like brie

♪ I like you ♪ I like me

♪ Let's get together
and talk about the weather

♪ Come on, get cheesy with me ♪

(KNOCKING ON DOOR) Oh.

Oh, stop. All right.Get that.

JOSE: For ten minutes, I've been knocking.
Ten minutes.

MICKEY: Hey, Lawrence,
peephole, peephole!

Always.

It is people.

It's these people.

Hey.

Oh, okay. All right.

(PLAYS SAD TUNE)

(MOCK SNIFFLING)

Thanks.

Thanks. Thank you.

Hi, I'm Lawrence.

Lawrence, it's Gabe.

We grew up together.

Gabe, what's happened?
Something's different.

GABE: Yeah, yeah,
I have white hair.

You know, I have kids.
It's like being president.

Oh, Gabe,
oh, you look great, man.

Thanks. Nice to see you.

I feel like I've been
hit by a truck.

That's all right.
You're gonna...

I think you just need a little
time and then you'll be...

LAWRENCE: A lot of love
in this room. Gabe.

Long time, long time.
Mickey, how you doing?

I'm excited.
Lawrence, get the lock.

Bolt lock, top and bottom. I got a
little problem with an admirer.

Have a seat.

For medicinal purposes.

"Songs by which a quarantined
heart laments, Volume 4."

I'm running out
of songs for you.

I know, I know.
I appreciate the effort.

Thanks, man.
LAWRENCE: Sorry, Jose.

I liked her.

Her soul didn't seem
as black as the others.

Hmm.

Hey, divorcing Linda was the best
thing that ever happened to us, man.

Thank you, Gus.
MICKEY: Not for her wallet.

A guy's got to make
a living somehow.

Welcome back, buddy.
Welcome back.

Yeah, great to be back.

JAKE: There's plenty of
good meat out there.

You're just gonna have
to lie about your age now.

(CHUCKLES) Jesus.

MICKEY: Speaking of good meat...
Oh!

Wait until you see this.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Looks like
an abortion in a pot.

JOSE: David Cronenberg's
toilet.

Korean menudo.

I saw them play
Fresno back in '82.

(LAUGHTER)

Is that an eyeball? Mmm-hmm.

I got the recipe
from this oriental joint

that I reviewed
a couple weeks ago.

Oriental, really?

Asian, Asian, Asian!

You know, idiot, you can call
something oriental, like a rug.

I'm an idiot.

GUS: Jose,

I had a very vivid dream.

(STAMMERS) What was it, Gus?

GUS: Oh, the dream? Yeah.

Oh, I dreamt that Dusty caught
you with a teenage girl

and you tried to tell her that
you and Dusty were both Mormons

and that the girl
was just a sister wife.

Well, you know, honestly,
though, not far off.

When did you have
that dream, Gus?

Last week.

That's sort of prescient,
really.

All that acid's
made him prescient.

Is that right? Sort of.

Me? Just... (WHISTLES)
Nothing. Flat.

(SHUFFLES CARDS)

GABE: What're you working
on over there, Jake?

The world isn't ready.

The world isn't ready.

All right, the name of the
game is Texas hold 'em.

Fuck that. It's not televised.
Straight poker.

Dealer's choice, buddy.

(EXHALES)

Is it three cards or two?

GABE: Every fucking
time he does it.

I want to play this game, but
I don't know how to play it.

Will you please teach me, Daddy,
because I'm... (VOCALIZING)

You know, I hear you.

Yeah, I know.
I said it audibly.

You think it's permanent, Joe?

Don't call me that, please.

You're not Mexican.
I'm an eighth.

Okay.

I have to make
a confession to you.

To all of you, actually.
JOSE: Okay.

I, uh, may have...

Murdered somebody.

No, I may have accidentally
Facebook friended Penny.

(EXHALES) Oh, my god.

Why would you do that?

To be fair,
she requested me first

and I always thought
we had nice conversations.

We would talk about Faust.

Yeah, because she's the devil.
You get it?

I mean, you understand that
she broke up with me via text

literally while engorged
by her choreographer

while she was on the road.
I mean, it's not a joke.

I think, uh, she's been
sober almost a year.

Oh! Almost. A record.

LAWRENCE: Yeah, that's right.

And well,
I think she misses you.

So I thought I'd,
you know, run it by you

just to see if you were,
I don't know, interested.

All right.

No, that's totally appropriate
of you to have done that.

Um, maybe you should
ask her out.

Really?

No. No! What is wrong... No!

It's like me...

GABE: I'm sure
Dusty'll call, Jose.

No, no, no.

I can't do that back and
forth thing with Dusty.

No, he needs clarity.
I need clarity.

MICKEY: What the hell
happened to AltaVista?

(LAUGHS) Did you say AltaVista?

Yeah. All right, fuck poker.

We're watching a LaserDisc.

Every time. Right.

Why don't you just
call it LaserDisc night?

Kings of the Road.

Poison Ivy?

MICKEY: I got some good titles here.
GABE: What's that one?

MICKEY: I got Jose's biopic,
Repulsion.

Oh, here we go. It's got your
name written all over it.

Holocaust.

You're not laughing.

Are you okay?

You want me to call her for you?
No.

Are you sure? No.

(INDISTINCT TALKING)

DUSTY: This song is beautiful.

Who is it?

JOSE: Bridget St John's her name.
She's a '70s folky.

She's still around, though.

DUSTY: It's really nice.

My friend, Jake, he makes me these
tapes off of his old records.

(BABY SQUEALING)

What is it, Violet?

Violet did a bad thing.

KATE: Violet, would you
get in here, please?

Gabe, I thought you had them.

GABE: Hey, what do you want from me?
I got to get dressed, too.

Just 'cause I don't work
in an office

doesn't mean I don't
have to wear clothes!

KATE: No, shit.

By the way, you have to cut
the carrots the other way.

GABE: What, length-wise?

Yes, otherwise
they're a choking hazard.

GABE: This is Mommy
and Daddy's bedroom.

KATE: Where are my keys?

Oh. GABE: I'm disciplining
our child, okay?

Kate, are these...

Oh. Yes, thank you. Sorry.

Oh, you know, Penny used to do that
third-person thing that Violet's doing

when she drank.

I know, we remember.
We're terrified.

Your mom called.
She's in Syria.

She said your
cell phone is F-U-C-K'd.

Why didn't you
tell her about Dusty?

"She's the best thing
that ever happened to you."

She's gonna call you
when she gets to Istanbul.

Have a great day.

Fred, I love you. Goodbye.

Have a good day.

Remember, no peanut butter.

(DOOR CLOSES) Me?

Violet.

Why can't Violet
have peanut butter?

GABE: (SHOUTING)
Why do you think?

(HICCUPS)

(JOSE EXHALES)

Good. Okay.

This is good.

No!

Oh! Jesus God!

♪ Mary had a little man

♪ His speech was made of gold

♪ And everywhere she went

♪ Well, you know where she goes

♪ When it rains It's what
we're reaching for what...

♪ Life, life has turned
inside out All is blind

♪ Just got to be
what you want to

♪ Just got to leave
if you have to

♪ 'Cause you got to be
(MIC MALFUNCTIONING)

♪ What you want to

♪ Go your own way, let it... ♪

Hey. What's up with...

Mia's out!

Mia's out! Guys.

Mia's out, guys.

(MUSIC STOPS)

What the fuck! (ECHOES)

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Fuck.

Fuck.

All right, now it works.
Now the mic works.

Fuck.

(ENGINE SPUTTERING)

(SIGHING)

(HORN HONKING)

Mmm-hmm.

(EXHALES HEAVILY)

(CELL PHONE VIBRATES)

Hey, um, could you just...
Could you hand me that?

♪ Fasten your seatbelt... ♪

(SNEEZES)

Come on. Other way.

Keep it in the other direction.
I'm sorry, my fault.

My fault.

You know, I used to
rock out with my cock out.

I know you did. I know you did.

Literally. 1990 Arts Festival. It was...
(WHISTLES) It was out.

Totally expelled,
straight to rehab.

Yeah. Now you rock out
with your Crocs out.

(CHUCKLES) FRED: Cock.

GABE: Oh!

A doodle-doo. GABE: Shh.

JOSE: A doodle-doe, buddy.

Nice save. Thank you.

Man, I hope the stepmother
isn't there, man.

Isn't she always there?

Yeah, she's constantly
swimming.

She's always swimming.
Swimming, diving. Swirling.

(SIGHS) This is mortifying.

Hey, she's living off
the same dole as you are.

I know. Which one is it?

It's just...
GABE: Is it up here?

Yeah. Well, you can
pull over here in the...

Like here?

But I mean, I'm doing
the right thing, right?

This one? Yeah, right here.

I mean, this moving on, I mean,
this is the right... Right?

Yeah.
Yeah. Clarity's a good thing.

I was just thinking I thought
Dusty would call by now.

Ah, she'll call.
Yeah. But whatever.

I mean, frog her, right?

Frog her, okay?

You're Tier 2, man.

Yeah, I'm Tier 2. I'm Tier...

It's like pissing
on a fire hydrant.

Okay. All right.
Don't worry about it.

Okay. You got it.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey, Jose! How are you? Summer!

Hi, how are you...
Oh. Hey, how you doing?

Good to see you.

Good to see you. Come in.

REPORTER: And kidnapping at
the hands of rivaling cartels

in the Mexican
state of Michoacén.

SUMMER: Hey,
do you want an A.P.?

JOSE: Sorry, what?

SUMMER: It's an Arnold Palmer.

It's like iced tea and lemonade.
Yeah, no. I know what it is.

I didn't realize you could...
abbreviate it. Anyway.

(CLEARS THROAT)

So, uh, where's your dad?

He's your dad, too.

Well, he's really
more your dad.

Uh, he went out.

He went to get some Orangina

and I asked for some bananas.
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

Oh! Oh, but he wanted
to give you this.

Oh. It's a fist bump.

I know what...

I'm familiar with that. Okay.

Kind of weird. Uh...
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

What...

Did you...

Where...

Where am I?

Did you add
a floor or something?

Yes, isn't it amazing?

Yeah, no, it's totally amazing.

My show went into syndication so I
gave Mom and Dad the go-ahead to like,

you know, break the piggy bank.

That's magnanimous of you.

Hi, Sue Ellen. Oh.

Hi.

Okay.

Hates me.

(CLEARS THROAT)

So, oh, boy.
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

Oh, man, it is nice here.

Oh, my God, so nice, right?
Really nice.

Hold on just a second. Yeah.

REPORTER: (ON TV) ...children
and harvesting their organs.

Amazing.

Hmm? What is?

Out here on the deck.

Oh. Yeah, no.

Sorry, I thought 'cause you
were looking at the phone,

I thought maybe...

No, I can chew gum and look
at art at the same time.

(CHUCKLES) No, I wasn't
suggesting otherwise.

Um, so, what the hell, man, how you been, Summer?
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

You look great.

What is that? What?

What, what? Come on.

Come on, what?

Can't a half-brother visit his
half-sister, you know, without...

Look, I didn't just like fall off the
ice cream truck or whatever, you know.

I don't want you to feel like you
can't come to me in a crisis.

Okay. Thank you. Okay.
(SPLASHING)

Here's my... But I'm...

I'm not an ATM, you know?

I'm your sister who loves you.

(STAMMERS) No, and I you.

What?

I love you.

Oh, okay, that's good.

Okay. Yeah. Um...

Yeah. It's just that my car,

my car, Summer... (CHUCKLES)

(SPLASHING) It's just like...
I think it's...

(WHISTLES) You know?

Yeah, it's just...

Okay.

If I could just get
like first and last.

You know, I think I could probably
cobble something together.

Well, what about the bookstore?

I'm sorry?

You could go back to that,
right? Your...

Yeah, the bookstore. Um...

Who's your friend? Uh, Lawrence.
He gave me Lolita.

Does he still work there?
Oh, God, that's disturbing.

Uh, yeah, yeah, he still
works there ever since

he dropped out
of Harvard 22 years ago.

And I think he was just
promoted to register.

Oh! Oh! Genius, genius!

Do you have a YouTube
channel, Jose Stern?

Uh...

Well, the Borges have videos up there.
Is that what you mean?

No, no, no, like a channel.
Like a YouTube channel.

Uh-huh. Right?

So if you think about it,
this whole place

was built off my old
YouTube channel.

Without the makeup tutorials...
Yeah.

I never would
have gotten my own show.

There literally would be
no Totally Bonkers.

And we would be falling
through the air right now

because there would be
no deck here.

(CHUCKLES) That's funny.

Um, yeah, uh, okay.
So you're...

I'm sorry. So you're suggesting
I do makeup tutorials or...

Um, well, maybe not that 'cause
it's kind of my thing, but...

Hey, what about
your instruments?

Don't you have, like,
a lot of really old

instruments and you can
sell them.

They're probably, like, worth some
money, right, because they're old?

Yeah, no, they're old and they're
worth something, but I just can't...

And that's not...

Hmm.Mmm-mmm. What?

No, Summer, I can't, I can't.
I can't sell my gear.

Why? Just because I can't.

Okay, you know my song,
Hugs and LOLs?

Mmm-hmm.

Okay. So that whole song was made
on a computer. No instruments.

Wow. That's good.
No, I know people do that.

That's just not
really my, like...

Like I'm not a big MIDI guy.

What is a MIDI?

MIDI, well, it's how
you made your song

without instruments, basically.

No, no. I said I used
the computer.

I did it on the computer.
No instruments.

(GULPS)

No, I know. You're right. Um...

(SIGHS) I guess...

Here's the thing, Summer.

My car is just like,
at this point, is a planter.

Oh, it doesn't work? Right.

Why doesn't it work?

(EXHALES)

It just doesn't work. Okay.

I'm really sorry about that.
That's terrible.

Yeah, if there's any way
I could just...

Look. Jose, you're my brother,

I'm here for you, and I love you.
Mmm-hmm.

And if you need to
springboard for spitballs,

I'm your girl. That's me.

But I feel like it's not
healthy for either of us,

if I just keep
lending you money, you know,

because you don't
really have a clear path.

You know, you have your
whole life in front of you.

Maybe not your whole life.

But I really think you should try
and focus on finding a good path.

All right. Right. Yeah.
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

Ah, amazing.

What is?

Oh, my friend just wrote,
"Amazing." I was just reading it.

(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

(SPANISH SPOKEN ON TV)

(SPANISH SONG PLAYING)

WOMAN: (ON TV) Do you ever
wonder what it would be like

to wake up to discover that
the world is your oyster?

Come to Mexico and find out.

Take a dip in the pool

and discover what's waiting for
you just beneath the surface.

Mexico, where all
the strangers are perfect.

There's no better time
of year than right now.

Here at Mexico where your
memories are waiting.

Call now for amazing offers

(CELL PHONE VIBRATES)

(CONTINUES VIBRATING)

PENNY: I'm glad you
picked up the phone.

Yeah, I am, too.

It's good to see you.

Yeah, I was surprised.

What happened to your whole,
"All exes are dead to me

"and never pick up the phone"?

You didn't read the statute
of limitations clause?

Lawrence didn't
Facebook you that?

No, I missed that.

Yeah, well, after four years,
I pick up the phone.

You know, maybe if you kept
it in your pants, who knows?

It was really awful
what I did to you.

It was. Yeah.

I'm sorry.

No, it's all right.

That point in my life,
it was all dance,

and I was on the road, all
these old demons coming out.

All these old choreographers.

Oh, God, he was so old.
Oh, God.

He had the most fucked up feet

you've ever seen in the
history of the world.

Really, 'cause I was really...

Just picture
gnarled tree roots.

Gnarled...
No, I don't want to. No.

Okay. Probably for
the best. Yeah.

Yeah, thanks. Yeah, I think so.

My therapist said that
I was in a fugue state

so I basically fucked
you over from a dream

if that's any
consolation to you at all.

Really. Thank you.

Fugue state? Was this a
certified therapist or a...

Mainly a cat psychic, but...

Okay. Yeah.

Dabbled in human psychology.

Okay, well, then, there you go.

But let's get real. I mean, we
were together for four years.

You were never gonna propose.

You don't know that.

(GRUNTS)

(LAUGHS)

You don't know that. Okay.

Well, what happened with the latest one?
Daisy was her name?

Dusty. Dusty.

We actually were engaged.

You were? With, like,
a ring and everything?

I mean, I was saving up for the
ring 'cause, you know, yeah.

So, I'm sorry, I'm just having
a hard time picturing this.

Were you on bended knee?

I was... Um...

Uh, not exactly. I was
lying down, as it turns out.

Yeah. Okay, so it was
our third anniversary,

and Mickey was staying with us.

He was... You remember
Mickey, right? Okay.

And he was, like, hiding
out from this ex-Marine,

like, psycho brother
of this girl

that he'd picked up
at Rockaway Records

who was like kind of
a little shy of 18.

PENNY: Ah, classic Mickey.

Yeah, they fell in love over
a Steve and Eydie record.

Ah! Well, then
in his defense, I mean,

it was safe to assume she was at least 50.
Yeah, exactly.

It's heavy. It's heavy. You
don't seem to understand.

No, I understand.
I hate hockey.

Why couldn't he play badminton?

Okay. All right.
All right. (GRUNTS)

(SCREAMS)

What's wrong? JOSE: I can't... It's
just my neck, it's just my neck.

Okay. Okay, what can we do?

Oh. I just...

(GASPS)

What?

Oh, God.

(STAMMERING) I think
I'm having a stroke.

A what? A stroke?
PENNY: A stroke?

Yeah, I don't know.
It just came to me.

Kate's Pilates instructor
just had a stroke

a week before, and I
had stroke on the brain.

So to speak.
Right, so to speak.

Well, you know, you did start
to develop neck problems

when we'd been together
for about three years.

No. I always had...
I always had neck... Really?

No. I always had neck issues.

Okay.

Okay, anyway,
so the EMTs arrived, right?

I think you guys are gonna
have to shave him.

Shut up. Listen.

(STAMMERING)

(EXHALES)

Hey, we'll get through this.

You just have a bad neck.

No, no, no. No,
I read it could be arterial.

Listen, come closer.

If I get through this,
I think we...

So dizzy.

He's proposing.

Really?

Okay. JOSE: Yeah.

Okay. Okay. Let's go.

PENNY: So basically,
Mickey proposed to her.

Congratulations.

Yeah, whatever, look, I've been
thinking a lot about this, okay?

And I think maybe
I'm a free spirit.

You? JOSE: Yeah.

Have you even
left town since 9/11?

Yeah, Santa Barbara.
Look, listen to me.

I think maybe I'm a free spirit

and I'm just really
bad at it. Yeah.

I guess that could be true.
Yeah.

You just need practice at it.

Yeah.

But if that is the case,
then you're kind of

out to dinner
with the wrong gal

'cause these days, I'm...

Right, Lawrence
told me that you're...

Yeah, sober.

Wow. A year.

A year. Hey, you know,
good for you, right?

Thanks.

You still have daddy issues,
is that right?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.
Okay, good. All right.

Well, in that case, to a year.

Oh. To coconut water.

Mother of Christ, really?

Oh! Penny and Mark, it's so good
to see you kids together again.

Hi, Elsie. Hi, Elsie.

Who the fuck is Mark?

Oh, never mind.

Seriously. Table that.

Oh, Jesus.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Yeah, you have been
record shopping, huh?

Good taste, Penny.

Gotta hand it to you.

PENNY: Ow! (CAT YOWLS)

You... Everything all right up there?
PENNY: Uh-huh.

Okay.

PENNY: This fucking cat.

Look at this.
Look at you, Penny.

You still got my little
baby guitar I got you.

PENNY: Hmm.

Oh.

You ever play it?

(STRUMS OUT-OF-TUNE CHORD)

(CHUCKLES) Not recently.

Oh, wow!

Sweet Norma Desmond.

(LAUGHS)

Well, that is definitely
something more...

Is that more comfortable or...

PENNY: Oh.

(STAMMERS) She's very,
very comfortable.

Oh, shit. You...

Shh. Shh.

Okay. Okay. Just shush.

Shh. Quiet nights, Jose.

Quiet nights and quiet stars.

That's not
coconut water, is it?

(LAUGHING) Oh.

She is having a tiny
little bit of sake.

She's having a carafe, I think,
is what she's having of sake.

So that wasn't, uh, coconut water
at the restaurant, was it?

PENNY: Uh-oh!

JOSE: Uh-oh.

You should... Shh.

Okay. Yup. I should...

You should be a little quiet.

Okay.

I miss this guitar. Yeah.

I really, I really, really
miss this guitar. Jesus.

Yeah, I... Really.

I miss you missing it.
I really miss the guitar.

Well, it's the end
of that suit. (LAUGHING)

Wow. Jesus.

So, Penny, uh, I'm just, I
guess I'm maybe just unclear.

You remember how we were talking
earlier about... Mmm-hmm.

You had said you were so... I mean,
aren't you in the program or...

(GRUNTING)

Fine! Fine!
I always said... Yeah.

What does he want from her?

What does he
even want from her?

Uh... Uh...

Oh, God, Almighty,

please grant me the serenity
to be fully engorged

by this Mexican,
Jewish-Mexican beard Jew

by the time she counts to cock.

I didn't know you
could count to cock.

Oh, she can count to cock.

She can, yeah. And balls.

She's really good at math, huh?

♪ Penny, it's common sense

♪ If you're worth
your weight, you'll repent

♪ Penny, I miss your scent

♪ Just come back to me
'cause I'm spent ♪

(BANGS)

Oh, that can't be a good sign.

MICKEY: Holy shit!

JOSE: Indoor voice.

Wife. Seriously. Shh.

Yeah. I know she's radiant.
I'm angry about it.

Spay that cat right there?
Come on now.

Excuse me. Hi.
We have an emergency here.

Can we see somebody please,
right away?

Oh, yeah, sorry.
What do we got?

No, we want her.

God. I'm sorry.
Okay, no, it's fine.

You know, we get that a lot.
JOSE: Yeah. Yeah.

Uh, Dr. Morrison, these gentlemen
seem to have found a wounded bird.

Oh, no. Okay. Can you tell me
what happened? JOSE: Yeah.

Well, he just...

Yeah, my very sensitive friend
here was playing acoustic guitar,

and this little critter
flew into the window.

Jose, being a little squeamish,
you know how artists are,

he, uh, called in the big guns.

I came and I rescued the
situation which I usually do.

♪ ...looked down
and sang a song to me

♪ Of how it began

(VOCALIZING)

♪ The trout in the shiny brook

3 Gave the worm another look

♪ And told me not to worry
about my life

(VOCALIZING)

♪ Tree in my own backyard
stands all alone

♪ Bears fruit for me
and it tastes so good

♪ Where's my pretty bird?

KATE: Violet. Come on, we've got
to go to school, honey. Let's go.

♪ If I keep singing
he'll' come back someday

Bye, Jose.

Bye, Violet.
Have fun at school.

♪ Dawn, bird's still gone
Guess I'll go mow the lawn

♪ What a day, what a day

♪ Ooh, what a beautiful day
this is ♪

(PIANO PLAYING)

I just couldn't
do it, you know?

Well, it's probably for
the best that you didn't.

No, I know.

She was so beautiful
last night, my God.

Mmm-hmm.

JOSE: But I'm not...
I'm really not even sure

it's legal when
she's like that.

You're not sure what's legal?

Hey, how about
a bathroom break, big guy?

But I don't have to go.
You never know.

(GROANS)

JOSE: Oh, buddy.

(sums)

What are you doing tonight?

I don't know. I was actually
thinking that maybe.

Dusty was right
and I should try

and write some
children's songs.

There's a lot of money in that.

No, I know, I know.

Or just frog it
and sell the Gibson '79.

Wait, is that the stereo amp with
the separate trem and reverb...

Oh, hey, hey. Fuck. Ouch.

Yeah, and it's at the house.

You're going back to the house?
What happened to clarity?

I have clarity.

I just don't have first
and last on an apartment.

MICKEY: Lawrence, cut it out. LAWRENCE:
The ceiling is collapsing on me.

MICKEY: Stop playing
with the ceiling.

LAWRENCE: Why don't you
get it fixed?

MICKEY: I pin it, it falls.

JOSE: Not too close, all right?

MICKEY: Yeah, yeah,
not my first stake-out.

JOSE: It's not a stake-out.

LAWRENCE: Isn't that
Dusty's car?

MICKEY: Now it's a stake-out.

JOSE: Jesus Christ,
what is she doing?

God, she must have
changed her shift.

Fuck, I need that amp.

Uh-huh.

I need it. It's first and last, okay?
It's a vintage amp.

It's worth a lot. It's in very...
I have clarity.

MICKEY: Just be a man and march up
there and get your amp. Come on.

You know what, don't give me
that "be a man" bullshit, okay?

It has no effect on me because
I'm not a man, and I have no...

I don't care. It's an empty...

(JOSE SIGHS)

It's a partial
Mexican standoff.

Fine.

Hey! Tell her it's for
a gig at the Bowl.

You want me to Facebook her?

Dusty?

Yeah.

Facebook her, what do you mean?

That can mean anything.
Many things.

Just do a little recon.

No, I don't want you to do any recon.
I don't want you... No recon.

Okay? I want my amp
and I wanna move on, okay?

And that's it.

Did you give my half-sister
a copy of Lolita?

I may have given her some Nabokov.
I'm not exactly sure which...

Yeah. Okay.

One it was. That's great.

Who the fuck... Who's that?
Wait, is that a TV?

No, it's Dr. Steve.

Dr. Steve, the guy from...
Dusty's vet.

Oh, they have the amp.
JOSE: What the fuck...

MICKEY: Does that work
on humans?

DR. STEVE: Yeah, you could try
chewing on a bully stick.

If you don't want
to go to the dentist...

JOSE: Why are they
coming over? Jesus Christ!

What the fuck are they doing?
You can try chewing on a bone.

A bully stick? A bully
stick, it's like a bone.

I can get those at a pet store?
Yeah, sure.

And it's okay for humans?

Yeah, why not?

(CLEARS THROAT) Hey, man!
How are ya? How are ya?

Hey, Jose, how you doing, buddy?
Good.

MICKEY: Let me get
that door. Let me...

All right, I'll grab it.
You got it?

Yeah, I got this. All right.

MICKEY: Thanks, that's great.
Oh, yeah.

(STAMMERS) Hey, what...
Dr. Bob. Hey.

How about you just call me Bob?

Hey, Bob, how you doing, man?

Great, great. Yeah.
Good, good. Good.

DR. STEVE: Hi. How's it going?

DR. STEVE: Great. How are ya?
JOSE: How you doing, man?

Good. I'm really good. Yeah.
JOSE: Good. Good.

AHH fight.

MICKEY: Thank you so much. It's
a real pleasure. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, no sweat, Mickey.

You guys have a peaceful night.
Okay, man, you too.

All right, thanks. All right. It was
good to see you, man. You be well.

Bully stick. DR. STEVE:
Yeah, the bully stick.

MICKEY: I'll look for one
of those bully sticks.

You're always complaining that
you've never been with a black.

What? A black?

A black woman!
Jesus Christ, a black woman.

A black woman. What do you
think I meant, a black man?

Shut up!

♪ There could never be... ♪

MICKEY: I don't know.

Dude, what you mean, you don't know?
You didn't ask him?

I was blinded
by his charm, okay?

I mean, I was like
literally putty.

I mean, that guy is so charming,
you forget how handsome he is.

He is a really attractive individual.
No, he's handsome.

Christ. I don't understand.

I mean, I thought she'd go find herself.
I mean, I'm fine. I'm...

But I mean,
now she's dating some guy

that she went way out of her
way to emphasize was asexual?

I don't think she's dating him.
I think he's in there just...

Killing her.

That's the kind of guy that has

a cryogenic freezer
in his basement.

MICKEY: You would know.
I would know.

So now this is
a murder mystery?

LAWRENCE: No mystery.
This case is closed.

Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ,
what the fuck, man?

I mean, that's my house there.
I mean, that's my...

I mean, I'm not on the deed, but I mean...
You know what?

Fuck this, man. Fuck this.

I wanna go... I wanna meet exotic women.
I wanna meet...

You know what we're gonna do?
I'm dead inside.

So we should go
where life began.

Outer space?

Africa, man.

No, no, no, no.
Why would you wanna go there?

You gotta take a lot of
antibiotics to go there, Joe.

What about Sweden? You always said
swarthy guys fare well in Sweden.

Oh, yeah, we do. But I can't go back.
I made some enemies.

What're we doing?
Gonna swim there?

Just go to the bar.

(BELL DINGS)

(INDISTINCT TALKING)

I don't have the clap.

(LAUGHS)

(GLASS SHATTERING)

You have to be...

(WHISPERING) See the whole
family's asleep, so you be quiet.

Shh. I like your family.

I know you do. I love them.

Enjoy your family.

Thank you. Good night. Bye.

Okay.

What am I doing, man? It's fucking...
It's only 2:00 a.m.

Los Angeles shuts down,
but I don't.

I gotta lot of...

I'm gonna get the party...
You know what?

Whatever you do,
don't play that piano.

♪ I know it's a little late

♪ I hope I don't
wake your state

♪ I feel like my ultimate fate
is to masturbate ♪

That's not a bad fucking idea.

No.

"Pick the girl of your dreams."

African-Swedish.

Hi there.

My name is Jerome Kern.

Gotta make it good, nice.
Let's make it pretty.

Oh, that's nice. I mean,

maybe not the world's
most appropriate hooker music,

but it's your night.
It's your night, buddy.

I mean,
I'm completely backwards.

Okay, I gotta relax.
You're an hombre.

Okay.

Fuck. Fuck.

Ambien or Ativan?
Ambien or Ativan?

Fuck! Which hand?

God damn it, which hand?

DUSTY: This song is beautiful.

JOSE: It is, isn't it? Hmm.

Who is it?

Oh, Bridget St John's her name.

She's like a '70s
folky, you know.

She's still around, though.

My friend Jake, he makes me these
tapes off of his old records.

It was nice.

It was really nice.

It was.

Then why are you
still scowling?

Oh, I'm afraid
that's permanent.

(LAUGHS) No! Yeah.

Botox is really the only...

Oh, man.

Answer at this point. Uh-oh.

Yeah. Hmm.

Let me see. Put your head here.
Okay.

You're gonna...
Are you gonna...

Are you gonna operate, Doc?
Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Are you a shaman?

No.

What if you're... What if
you're a neurotic collector?

(LAUGHS) A what?

Well...

It's come to my attention that
I may be a trifle neurotic.

And since you're so
stunning, stable, perfect,

then you must
have a fatal flaw.

And it's gotta be that
you collect neurotic people.

(CHUCKLING) Yeah.

If I told you I wasn't
a neurotic collector,

would that make
you feel any better?

Mmm.

No. Probably not.

Right. So you're just gonna
have to trust this. Sorry.

There's gotta be a catch.

You're a catch.

If you say so.

I say so.

Yeah, I'm your yang.

Yeah.

You're my scruffy yang.

KATE: Jose! Jose!

What is it, Kate?

(GASPS)

Oh, my God! (SPEAKING SWEDISH)

Oh, my God! (SPEAKING SWEDISH)

Kate, listen very carefully.
(SPEAKING SWEDISH)

Get Gabe. It's a home invasion.
Home invasion.

Home invasion, Gabe! No, Gabe!

GABE: I'm coming!

What the hell?

What's happening?
What's happening?

Is it a friend? You get her?

Oh, God, you're gonna
need more than a racket!

Oh, Jesus Christ, I haven't
even had shitty kids yet.

(KIDS SCREAMING)
Go, go, go, go.

Oh, God. Oh, my God.

Oh, I'm not wearing any pants.

Kate, I understand
what's happened here.

I thought it was a Manson deal.
(SPEAKING SWEDISH)

So, are you Swedish?
(SPEAKING SWEDISH)

Like Wild Strawberries,
did you ever see it?

Oh, it's about an old man, and
he's going over his whole life...

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

What is it, chicken?

I'm not chicken, I'm a Violet.

Um, Honey, I'm not so sure
that doing that with

your mother's underwear
is the best idea.

Why not?

Well, it's probably
gonna just stretch them,

and, you know, I bet you
it doesn't feel too good.

It feels very good to me.

Hey, Gabe! Gabe!

Gabe! Gabe!

I'm a little
above my pay grade.

Yeah, there's a...
Yeah. (GRUNTS)

crazy clown situation here.

KATE: Don't forget, Violet
has ballet after school.

GABE: I know. I know.

KATE: Don't snap.

GABE: I'm projecting
from the other room.

Here. Oh, Hi, Hi.

Here's Uncle Josie. Yeah.

Hi, Fred. Hi, Fred.

There you go. You're so happy.

Hey, buddy.

Ambien's pretty strong, huh?

Kate, I am so sorry.

Gabe screwed up the order so
you're in charge of picking up

more paper plates, cups,
kazoos and funny hats. Got it?

That's okay, yeah.

There's gonna be a lot
of kids here tomorrow

so ixnay on the pills
and whores, yeah? Yup.

Enjoy your day.

It's okay. He's not so bad.
I love you, Fred. Bye.

(SIGHS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

JOSE: ♪ I like gum
and you like cheese

♪ Together
we go to the Gymboree

♪ I like fruitcakes,
you like pies

♪ Together we know
that's just not right

(LAUGHS)

I don't know. I like cats.
I like cats, I like...

All right. Cats...

♪ I like cats, you like hounds

♪ I am lost

♪ I once was found ♪

(CELL PHONE VIBRATING)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Probably for the best.

Okay, all right. Jesus.

I need a safe haven.

Oh, Jesus Christ,
the Yelp girl?

Such a big mistake,
such a big fucking mistake.

You should never play
Misty for these girls.

I know, I know, but I
actually like that tune.

It's so stupid.

I need a place to stay
just for awhile.

Oh, no, pal, honestly,

a hooker woke Kate's family up in
the middle of the night last night.

Probably not a good idea.
What about Lawrence's place?

I can't... He can't.
He's staying at my place.

Besides, he's
convinced his apartment

is being bugged
by the bookstore.

Jesus Christ.

Yeah, I'm hoping
he'll meet my stalker

and they'll diffuse each other.

Sure, you're very sorry. But do you
have any idea how badly you have...

The kids aren't here, are they?

No, Gabe took them to the park.

How badly you have
ass fucked me?

You have fucked me
right in the ass.

I can't walk because the ass
fucking that you have given me

has ripped me in two, you fucking
piece of shit! Feel better.

I love you. (CLEARS THROAT)

(STUTTERING) ls everything...

Probably not. No.

The fucking
caterer has the flu,

except I know
it's fucking bullshit

because we share
a client and he told me

that he took
a higher-paying job.

The cock-sucking douche bag, the day
before the motherfucking shindig!

El Pollo Loco?

(SIGHS) Hey, do your friends like...
(SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

This reminds me of
when we were kids.

What are you talking about?
I met you when I was 24.

Just kids then.

You know we have
to be out of here

after the party
tomorrow, right?

My two weeks are up.

Not mine.

My two weeks are just starting.

(CHUCKLES)

Can you hear that? Hmm?

You don't hear that?

No. What?

Mariachi music.

MICKEY: Oh, Christ, don't tell
me they're stalking me, too.

(MARIACHI MUSIC PLAYING)

This is from your husband.

I'm not married.

CABANA BOY: Well, maybe
he's proposing, then.

To Mexicano.

(SPEAKS SPANISH)

VIOLET: Hello.

Hello.

Hello. I said hello! Hello!

Oh, honey, honey,
give me that, hon.

It's broken.

Call failed. You know, who...

What's 805?

805, Ventura County,
Santa Barbara.

Why do you know that?

UC Santa Barbara.

Oh.

(SIGHS)

KATE: Gabe, you need
to get ready.

(SIGHS)

Would you get off the phone?
People are coming in half an hour.

Hey, I'm aware that people are
coming in a half an hour.

I'm writing
an e-mail to a student.

Oh, well, at least you
still have one of those.

Yes, Kate,
I still have one of those.

Jesus Christ, what is the fucking problem?
You've been on the warpath.

KATE: People are
canceling, Gabe.

Kevin's mother called today.

She said that you taught him

how to play Wang Dang
Sweet Poontang.

GABE: Hey, do you have any idea
how difficult it is to arrange.

Wang Dang Sweet Poontang
(or the piano'!?

It stimulates their little
fingers, their little minds.

KATE: Are you kidding me right now?
Are you fucking kidding me?

You're a fucking child. What,
you have Jose on the couch

while you teach your lessons?
GABE: Hey, you know what?

I'm spending time
with a friend, okay?

Who's leaving today. You're
supposed to be at work!

So what difference
does it make? I'm at work!

You know what, I am a...
That's work?

I'm a good boy, okay?
Lam a good boy.

I've been a good boy for 25
years since I went into rehab.

I've been a good boy every fucking
day in this relationship.

And I've been a good boy
since I quit the band!

And what? What?
I'm the bad guy?

I'm the bad guy for working so
hard for this fucking family?

I'm the bad guy? I'm the
fucking grown up, Gabe!

Hey, I've been a grown
up since I was 17.

No, you have been sober
since you were 17,

and that is not the same thing.

Oh, my God, come on! Are you
fucking kidding me right now?

Jesus! Give me a fucking break!

No. No! You can't have a break
because I can't have a break

because we can't
because we are pregnant!

With twins!

(PANTING)

Holy shit.

What's twins?

It's like two of you, sweetie.

(DOOR CLOSES)

UvaDisc!

KATE: It smells amazing.

MICKEY: Oh, yeah, you're
probably getting the galangal,

which is a very,
very kind of potent...

Yeah? Yeah.

It's like ginger gone bad. Yeah.

I'm sorry, I've been a little tense.
Carrying a litter, apparently.

Oh, no problem, darling.

You really saved us here.
Thank you so much.

Hey, listen, it's my pleasure.

Just point me in the direction
of the damaged divorcees.

Or actually, you know what? Unhappily
married women, I don't care.

You know what,
actually can you just wait

until the people come maybe?
I'll take anyone at this point.

Really? Yeah, just...

Maybe Mickey you could put some
tin foil over it or something.

Hi. Hi.

Couple questions about my set.

Would you like me to
err more on the side of

my 4-year-old humor
or my 40-year-old stuff?

Well, what's the difference?

Sailor jokes.
You know, blue stuff. Hi.

(SCREAMING)
Say hi. Oh, sweetheart.

It's okay, it's okay.

It's all right.
Kids hate me. It's okay.

Gabe, should we lose the clown?

Sure.

Thank you, man. Hey, buddy.

I call this Tom and Jerry.

Gus. Hey, Jose, happy
birthday, man.

Thank you, man.
Nice of you to be here.

I had a very vivid dream.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

What was it, Gus?

You were on
the beach with Dusty

or it was Linda
wearing Dusty's shoes.

You had this large sombrero
that totally covered your face.

And Dusty... Linda, lifted
the sombrero from your head,

and it wasn't you. It was Pepe.

Pepe from the liquor store?

Pepe from the liquor store.

Oh, Gus, that's uncannily
similar to a dream I just had.

Maybe you were both abducted.

That's not funny, man.

Many felicitous arrivals.

Oh, that's lovely.
Look at that.

(LAUGHS) That's lovely.
Lovely. Thank you.

(CLEARS THROAT) Gus, how,
I don't know, accurate

would you say this
prescience is of yours?

I would say about 60, 70.

(LAUGHING)

Do you want to
get some lemonade?

Where's Jose's hot mom?

I used to love sleeping over at
their house when we were kids.

Van Halen went on
without David Lee Roth.

Hey, we can get Sammy Hagar.

Hey, you guys, that's not
gonna be too loud, is it?

It'll be all right.
I'm using these.

They do this sort of
thing for a living, honey.

You all right there, buddy?

Oh, shit.

My parents fight a lot.

(CONVERSING IN JAPANESE)

I know you seen my face
in your Whole Food.

Yeah, a motherfucking
free range and vegan dude.

MICKEY: I don't know if I can
handle having a kid that cool.

I'd probably have to
Munchausen by proxy.

He's probably seen more tail than
I have in the last three years.

Three? You see that kid?

Yeah. No, do you see that kid?

That kid is our little slice
of the American pie dream.

The what?

(LAUGHING CREEPILY)

What the fuck was that?

Oh, my God.

That's my sweet spot
right there. I'm going in.

Sorry, sorry. Hey, Bro.

Yeah. How you
holding up, man? Okay?

Yeah, yeah, good.
It's good times, man.

Yeah? Having fun. Okay.

Hey, listen,
you had mentioned before,

you know, something
about Facebooking Dusty.

You're Facebook
friends with her?

Uh... Not exactly.

Okay, what does that mean?

Technically, she blocked me.

What do you mean, technically?

Well, I may have
recently hack friended her.

Okay, does that mean that
you can see her page or...

Theoretically, yes.

Okay, so theoretically,
would you be able

to check to see
if she's doing okay?

I just want to make sure because
I haven't heard from her.

I just want to make sure she's...
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, way ahead of you there, buddy.
She is definitely alive.

I was way off on that one.

Okay. All right.

Are there any status
updates or, you know?

Just says, "Went on my honeymoon,
off the grid for two weeks."

Adios. What?

I think she may have
taken those coupons

and gone on your
honeymoon without you.

Jesus Christ, why do you
know about the coupons?

What coupons? Never mind.

Why didn't you tell me this?

I'm not excellent
with judgment calls.

(SIGHS) Okay.

Don't know why this is news.

Jesus, she went
to Mexico alone?

I mean, I hope she went alone.

I don't even know what I'm
rooting for at this point.

(SIGHS) ls there anything else?

Yeah, Dr. Steve is housesitting.
It's all on Facebook.

I'd show you.
Oh, okay. All right.

Well, thanks for
telling me, you know.

I mean... All right, all right.
You're welcome, buddy.

Okay, so you sure there's
nothing else of any consequence

you're maybe
forgetting, omitting?

Oh, that honeymoon
comment got 31 likes.

All right. You all set?

Sorry. Sorry.

Gotta approach him
from the front. Okay?

Okay.

Hi. Hi, everybody.

Thank you so much
for coming to Violet's 4th

and Jose's 40th birthday.

(ALL CHEERING)

Anyway, this year we decided
not to do a bouncy house,

but we do have an amazing band.

Jose's band and
Gabe's old band, actually.

Erstwhile!

KANE: Wha I prefer erstwhile.

All right, so without
any further ado,

the erstwhile line up
of Jose and the Borges.

Yay, Daddy! (APPLAUSE)

Thank you, Kate. This is
dedicated to your couch.

When was the last time
you smoked a joint

at a children's birthday party?

August. (CHUCKLES)

♪ I'm a little boy, I'm a
little boy, I'm a little boy

♪ I'm a little boy blue

♪ I'm a little boy, I'm a
little boy, I'm a little boy

♪ I'm a little boy blue

♪ Are you a little girl, you a
little girl You a little girl

♪ You a little girl true?

♪ 'Cause I'm a little boy, I'm a
little boy And I'm a little boy

♪ And I'm a little boy true ♪

Yeah! Yeah!

(INDISTINCT)

(INDISTINCT)

It's too loud. Turn it off.

Gabe!

Gabe!

It's way, way, way...
It's a kids' party.

Gabe! Gabe!

It's too loud.
You need to stop.

I need some help.
Somebody help me here.

All right. Okay. I got this.

All right, Hendrix. Let's go.

Song's over. That's enough
with the feedback, man.

All right, Nugent.
Let's get you some water.

(BABY CRYING)

He's a fighter. (CHUCKLES)

I just wanted to rock out
with my cock out, you know?

He's gonna be all right.

I know. I know.

GABE: Sorry, sorry.
I'm fine. Sorry.

KATE: Yeah, it's okay, baby.
Let's just go inside.

Where's my shoe?

(PLANE PASSING)

JAKE: "I cannot account
for the hours

"that have been
smothered into submission."

"Not only this afternoon"

"but day after day,"

"year after year."

“Over the wasted
course of which time,

"I have been repeating
this futile lament."

"That it makes no difference."

"I have already
put in more than"

"my share of time
that adds up to nothing."

I guess the world is ready.

"One afternoon after another,"

"passing in a hypnagogic blur,"

"struggling to find
it's not there."

"Trapped in a refuge
of bypassed intentions."

"Yet from this tedium, I would
not welcome interruption."

"I like to complain."

"It creates the illusion
that I'm doing something."

Hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey!

(JOSE CLEARS THROAT)

(JOSE SPEAKING SPANISH)

I'm gonna have to do the rest
in English if that's okay.

Okay, thanks. Yes, I was
wondering if you could

connect me to
Dusty Morrison's room?

Uh... Hmm.

Okay. What about, I don't
know, what about Dusty Stern?

No? All right, what about, I
don't know, Joseph Stern?

My name is
Joseph Stern, actually.

Okay. I don't suppose
you could tell me if

a very beautiful woman,

5'4", alabaster skin,
very luminous. Yeah.

No, I... Yes.

Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.

Yes, no, I've seen
plenty of movies. Gracias.

(CELLPHONE VIBRATING)

Hello?

Hi.

Um...

Yeah, yeah. Yeah,
no, I can hear you fine.

I don't know why I can,
but I can, seriously.

You get better
service in Mexico.

Yeah, Mexico. I'm here.

Where are you? I gave them every
surname I could think of.

Did you marry somebody else?

I'm in Santa Barbara.

You're in Santa... Why?

(STUTTERING)

It said you were on your
honeymoon on Facebook

and Gus dreamed a dream I had
sort of that you were in Mexico.

I've been trying to reach you.
My e-mails kept bouncing back.

I mean, I've been calling you for days.
Ever since I got here.

Really?

Oh, goddamn phone.

You're in Mexico?

Yeah, I flew down.
I flew down to Mexico

to rescue you from drug lords

or win you back from a
full-blooded Mexican man or...

What, you flew?

Yes, I flew.

Yeah, believe me, I flew.
I'm like 10 pounds lighter.

(JOSE STUTTERING)

Santa Barbara,
I don't understand.

I was gonna go to Mexico.

I was furious,

and I was gonna go on
our goddamn honeymoon

if it was the last
goddamn thing I did.

Yeah, well, literally.
It's terrifying down here.

No, it's not. You're
basically in San Diego.

(CHUCKLES)

Anyway, I couldn't do it.
It's not me.

It felt like something
someone would do but not me.

So I decided to come
here for your birthday.

So you're on my birthday
and I'm on our honeymoon?

Yeah, I guess so.

(CHUCKLES)

This has nothing to do with,
you know, Dave, right?

Who's Dave? Dave.

Bob. Steve. Dr. Bob. Steve?

The guy from,
you know, the handsome.

Bob. No, he's housesitting.

Bob, is that
what this is about?

No, no. No.

I came down here because I
wanted you to know something.

Okay.

(SIGHS)

I came down here because I
wanted you to know that I'm...

Because I wanted you
to know that I'm...

(SIGHS) That I'm

a little queasy,
I think, from the flight

or the food on the flight.

I don't know if it was
really food exactly.

Sorry, I just...
Oh, God! Jesus.

I just got a... Sorry...

Neck...

Jose? Yeah, honey.

Jesus, maybe...

I'm pregnant.

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

♪ Just find it in my heart
Among the living change

♪ To find a brighter morrow
One must rearrange

♪ Every thought you thought
Every word you sung

♪ To the poems of yore
That's a losing score

♪ You're nothing but a punk

♪ You're nothing but a punk

♪ You can even reason
You can even hope

♪ Your poetic justice
is justified

♪ You suck it in your throat
You swallow down at night

♪ You slam it in the mornin'
It used to be all right

♪ But you're a big one now

♪ You're all grown up ♪