No Way Jose (2015) Movie Script

♪ I'm a little boy, I'm a

little boy, I'm a little boy

♪ I'm a little boy blue

♪ I'm a little boy, I'm a

little boy, I'm a little boy

♪ I'm a little boy blue

♪ Are you a little girl, you a

little girl You a little girl

♪ You a little girl true?

♪ I am so lethal

green little... springs

♪ I can't pass

♪ Kind of lonely

and filled with our...

♪ Are you a little girl, you a

little girl You a little girl

♪ You a little girl true?

♪ 'Cause I'm a little boy, I'm

a little boy I'm a little boy

♪ I'm a little boy true

Come on!

♪ I'm a little boy blue ♪

Yeah! (CHEERING)

Thank you.

Thank you. Thanks, man.

You've been

a wonderful crowd. Uh...

Well, uh, we're, uh, Jose

and, uh, the Borges!

Thank you.

(MOUTHING)

Oh, and... (CLEARS THROAT)

Happy birthday,

Emerson.

Over here, pal.

Okay, they don't care.

All right.

MAN: Jose.

Uh, no, I'm good. You should

probably put those in a cup

or something, you know?

'Cause I don't know

what the protocol is exactly.

BAND MEMBER: The cable's better

than at the Tiffany, fuckers.

(sums)

Hey! Good job!

KATE: Violet, don't take Emerson's

cake, honey. Apologize.

Hey, man, you sounded good.

(COUGHING) Okay. Okay.

It's okay. It's all right.

(CHUCKLING) Is that a new one

or is that the same one or...

No, it's a new one. Yeah.

You guys sounded so great.

Didn't they? Really, yes.

Don't you miss it, buddy?

Well, I do.

Really? You want to play

for little...

Well, it's similar

to playing to drunks.

I guess that's true.

Oh, my God, how are you guys?

I feel like it's been forever

since we've seen you.

Well, we finally

settled on a honeymoon.

Hey! Oh, my God! Where?

Well, it was between

kidnapping and hijacking.

I chose kidnapping.

Mexico.

You can't drive to Hawaii,

apparently.

So now we just have to figure out

what we're doing for his 40th.

No, I think we discussed that.

I'm going to blow my head

off right after cake.

Oh, so you're doing

that this year.

You're not gonna

go to Santa Barbara?

No, I was gonna blow

my head off in Santa Barbara.

So, yes,

but I thought this year

we should do a party,

too, right?

Yes, you should!

GABE: You gotta have a party.

Come on. Listen.

Wait a minute. Isn't your birthday

like, the day before Violet's?

The day after, yes.

You guys, we should

totally do a joint party.

Sorry? (GASPS) Yes!

Like a cradle

to the grave theme.

Yes, exactly!

No, it would be so cute.

Yes!

Besides, you don't have that

many friends, right, Jose?

That's right, Kate, I don't

have that many friends.

Oh, my God,

and you guys should play.

Ever since I started

repping Lil' Vegan,

I know all these

music industry people.

That would be so great.

JOSE: All right,

let me think about this.

Can Gabe play with us?

Sure. (SCOFFS)

Why not?

"'51" “ one sis. Right?

JOSE: (CHUCKLES) Oh, buddy.

Honey, you feeling all right?

Yes, I'm all right.

DUSTY: All right.

Well, then, it's settled.

Yeah, you got your party.

I did.

Hey, what do you say

we go get some...

You guys want to get

some real lunch or...

Oh, you know what, we would,

but we got to go to another

party, a friend of Fred's.

Fred is... Fred has friends?

DUSTY: He's so adorable.

I don't know.

MAN 1: I don't know, man. MAN 2:

This goes first, this goes first.

I think this is a sign of things to

come, and it's not looking good.

Yeah, Dusty's

pulling some Yoko shit.

Oh, God.

Did that thing work?

I don't know. My neck

kind of feels better,

but now my fucking

armpits are killing me.

(CHUCKLES) Oh, no.

Ah, God, this is a disaster.

What, you guys sounded great.

Honey, I just sang a song

about my mother leaving me

with my suicidal father

for two years

while she banged her way

through Kathmandu

to a bunch of four-year-olds who think

it's about a tiny little sheep herder.

You're doing so good.

Six hundred more

gigs like this,

I can finally get you a ring.

Honey, just get me a Cracker Jack ring.

I told you, I don't care.

I do.

(MAN COUGHS)

DUSTY: Well, you know what,

maybe if you guys

didn't sing

the old Borges stuff...

JOSE: No, no, no, no, no.

And you wrote some new

stuff for the kids...

No. No. No... It wouldn't

feel like such a violation.

No. No.

I just can't write songs about

sissy and Bamm-Bamms and binkies.

I just can't do it.

It's fortuitous enough that my

songs are about stunted adults.

EMERSON: Excuse me, sir.

(LAUGHS)

What is it, little man?

You're good at playing. Thanks

for coming to my big boy party.

Oh, you're very welcome and I hope

you have a very good big boy year.

Okay, We-

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Jeez! Are you okay?

Yeah. No, I'm good. Let's go.

REPORTER: (ON RAND) In Mexico

today, six severed heads

were reunited with their bodies

when officials

discovered the heads

over 30 miles from where

their bodies were recovered

nearly two years ago.

Another gruesome chapter

in the seemingly

infinite Mexican...

(CHANGES STATION)

(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

(CLEARS THROAT)

JOSE: You know, it's not too

late to change our minds.

DUSTY: Yeah, actually it is.

I bought it with coupons.

JOSE: Coupons?

DUSTY: Mmm-hmm.

(CHUCKLES) It's barely

Mexico, it's Baja.

It's like we're driving

to San Diego.

It's gonna be fine.

JOSE: So steep.

It's good exercise.

(GROANS)

I miss the old apartment,

honey.

You hated the old apartment.

Is that right?

Yeah. Okay.

JOSE: Good for the gluts.

Mmm-hmm.

DUSTY: Hey, that was really

nice of Kate to offer

to host your party

and have the band play, huh?

JOSE: That was

really nice, yeah.

They seem beat though, huh?

I mean, like, more than usual.

DUSTY: I didn't notice.

Really? Honey,

Gabe is aging in dog years.

I thought he looked great.

See now, how can I trust you

to assess my own decay?

You think

everybody looks great.

I don't. Yes, you do.

No, I don't. Honey.

(GASPS) I'm kidding.

You're a very, very,

very handsome, ugly...

Oh, I heard this study on NPR

that if you don't have kids you're

gonna effectively suspend your age.

Beautiful and lonely,

sounds great.

Where are my Breathe Right?

They didn't seem

stir-crazy to you?

How can you seem

stir-crazy in a park?

(SNAPS FINGERS) Exactly.

That's right, how can you

seem stir-crazy at a park?

And yet somehow they've

managed to achieve this.

I think it's sweet.

Their little life with

park parties

and nesting at home.

I don't know if that's nesting so

much as it is Stockholm Syndrome.

You know they wanted

to move to Tokyo, right?

What? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They were gonna do

that house swap thing.

Before the kids were born.

But then they ended up

with a dud UvaDisc.

Oh.

We use UvaDisc.

(CLEARS THROAT)

What? Japan.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, Japan, Japan.

Kate is an obsessive

Japanophile.

She never talks about it

'cause it's too depressing.

I don't know,

maybe we should use

a cervical cap or something.

Yeah, if you want

to use it as a butt plug.

Wow.

(CLEARS THROAT)

It's depressing.

I mean, you know, Kate

used to be an attorney

for homeless veterans.

Now she's got to represent little

miniature white vegetarian rappers.

Just so they, you know, they

can maintain their overhead

and remodel that Gray

Gardens backyard of theirs.

So doing well is a curse

and being broke is a curse.

Uh, yeah, that's right. Okay.

Oh, shit.

You know, I still think

it would be really nice

to go away for your birthday.

Just, you know, maybe we go to

Santa Barbara on the actual day.

Santa Barbara on

the actual day?

Yeah.

Well, let me think about it,

uh, in song.

(STRUMMING)

You know you're supposed to

wind down before bed, not up.

Honey, I took like 11 Ambien.

I'll be dead in two minutes.

Santa Barbara.

Right, Santa Barbara. Um...

Okay, Santa Barbara. Focus.

Honey, I... (EXHALES)

I just don't want to be

anywhere when I turn

four... You know... The thing.

Look, we're going to Mexico, right?

Mmm-hmm.

That's good. We're gonna go to

Mexico right after the arraignment.

And then... Wedding.

Well, I know. It's in a court so it's

really more like an arraignment.

You didn't want a big wedding.

I'm gonna kill you!

I wanted a huge wedding.

I wanted a massive wedding.

Great, let's do it.

I want a gigantic wedding.

With thousands of...

With just thousands

of family members.

Okay. I want a huge wedding.

DUSTY: Ow! What is that?

JOSE: What, what, what?

That burning?

Honey, it's my sports rub.

Oh, got to warn me.

Assume it's always on.

Ugh.

(sums)

Jesus Christ.

Pillows everywhere.

Cute.

E-mail from the PTA.

PTA?

You're not...

No, God forbid.

Okay, okay, I was just...

You're safe.

Because that'd be a funny

way to find out, you know?

No, I signed up

for the Friends of Balboa

elementary school mailing list.

Honey, don't you think

that's a little premature?

I mean, we're not

even married yet.

No, but we're gonna be

and I thought it'd be good

to get involved

in the neighborhood.

I mean, that's why you moved to

Glendale, right, for the services?

(CHUCKLES) No, that was

for the interminably

long commute back

into civilization.

Oh.

Oh, Jesus!

What?

This is so gross.

What?

They sent me a link

to a sex crimes registry app.

(FINGERS SLIDING ON STRINGS)

Ugh.

There's an app for that?

Yeah, apparently.

What are you doing?

(STAMMERING)

No, no, no, honey, don't.

You're downloading? You don't

want to download that.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, give it. Stop it.

Honey...

You don't 'cause then your

phone gets filled with smut

and then you get, uh...

(GASPS) "iPervert would like

to use your real location."

"Allow?" Yes, allow. No, don't allow.

Honey, don't allow.

Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa. You

really don't want to allow.

Hey, calm down on the Ambien. You're

gonna pee in the closet again.

I mean, you don't...

Edward Snowden.

What? Stop, will you quit it?

What... Babe.

I'm feeling

a little, uh, woozy.

Um, maybe from the...

Go get a snack.

(STAMMERS) Yeah, I...

No. Well, could you get

me a slice of cheese?

I have an idea.

Would you like some cheese?

No, thank you.

You don't want to share

some cheese with me?

No. Are you sure?

(CHUCKLES)

No, but I'm thinking...

You don't want any cheese?

You know, we could have like a

fondue party, all '70s-style.

I already brushed my teeth.

Going once.

No, thank you. All right.

We can invite our friends over.

We get weird.

Things could get weird.

You are getting weird.

Okay, I'm gonna get some cheese.

Okay.

Okay, we're the blue dot.

JOSE: You cool on cheese? Yep.

Ugh!

(GROANS)

(BEEPS) (GASPS)

You want some cheese?

Your mom's mom

left your mom's dad

right after

she was born, right?

Hmm.

And your grandfather

refused to ever

mention your grandmother's name

and your mom spent her entire

adult life looking for her.

Is that right?

Mmm-hmm. That's right. Mmm-hmm.

And then when she found her, she

learned that her biological father

was actually some

mariachi guy in Mexico

that her mom had

a one night stand with

and so you

re-christened or

de-Jewished yourself

Jose.

That's right. Mmm.

Gramps as it turned out

wasn't Gramps.

It was some guy named Lupe.

And that's the story, that's

why you changed your name?

Yeah, I mean, it's a true story.

(CLEARS THROAT)

It's the story of Jose Stern.

Or is it the story

of Joseph Stern,

the rapist?

I swear to God...

(GROANS)

Oh, fuck. Whoa.

(EXHALES)

Hey. (G ROANS) Honey.

Honey, no, no. (KNOCKING)

Sweetie-kins.

Hey, you got to open the...

Come on, sweetie,

I'm fucked up, man.

Don't call me man.

I'm so hip I even

call my girlfriend man.

I'm your fiancée!

It's from a Dave Frishberg tune.

I played you that record.

How much Ambien did you take?

I took some Ambien.

That's what I, you know... I was

trying to tell you. This is just...

This is not...

Maybe, not the best time

for this.

Yeah, well, maybe you

should have thought of that

when you were doing the raping.

Hey, I didn't do the raping.

That's not how you say it.

Come on, man! Listen,

the whole Jose thing,

that's a real thing, man.

I needed street cred

and the Borges and, man...

And I found out I was an

eighth homey and so, you know.

I'm a homey. I'm an eighth homey.

Okay, okay, okay.

You're Mexican.

Unlike Borges, that's actually

Argentinian, but whatever.

It was a three-week

summer fling, you know?

Okay, I was 18, she was 17.

I mean, we were

the same age basically.

You know, I mean, and let me tell

you a little something, man.

This girl knew

her way around the, uh...

I don't know, the rodeo ring, if

you know what I'm talking about.

Ew! Listen, listen,

the point is... The point is...

Holy shit.

The door is breathing.

Is the door

breathing on your side?

No. Okay.

Look, sweetie, sweetie...

I just wanted

to get laid, that's all.

I just wanted to

lose my virginity. Okay?

But the thing is, honey,

she fell in love with me.

Because guys like me,

they don't just go and...

They can't just get laid.

You know, they have

to write poems and songs,

so I wrote her these songs.

Her name was Gia.

It was like...

♪ Gia ♪

(VOCALIZING)

I can't do it right now.

But the point is,

is that she fell in love.

And she tells her father,

and her father freaks out

because he thinks

she's a virgin.

Which is crazy,

because if you saw

the build on this girl,

it's just not...

Virginity was not an option

for this girl, okay?

The dad...

Honey, you listening?

The dad turns out

to be a sheriff's deputy.

Okay?

And now I'm in an app!

Okay.

Fine.

Why didn't you

tell me this sooner?

I don't know.

Because I...

I was embarrassed, I guess.

You know, I think between

seeing my mommy naked

like way too much as a child

and my father's facts

of life talk consisting of

palming me with a strip of his old

rubbers like he was tipping a

bellhop. What?

Sick shit, right? I mean, this

guy didn't even give me his...

I'm coming. It's the stairs.

You got a house

with too many stairs.

I mean, seriously, honey, they

weren't even reservoir tip.

I mean, they were like vintage

1950 father condoms.

I didn't mean, "What?

Please repeat,"

or "What?

Please free associate."

I've heard these stories.

Okay.

Got... Check.

Oh, okay. So what?

So you lied to me because

your parents have sex organs

and because your dad

is awkward?

I'm saying that it was

a very difficult...

1970s were a difficult

era for a young man

and his mother.

I think that if

you were to think about.

Generation X it would be

less about the letter X

and more about

it maybe being E-X...

Children from, uh, broken...

I'm saying

that maybe it's

not that big of a deal?

That's what you're going with?

You're a registered sex

offender, but it's no big deal.

Given my options, I guess

that's what I'm going with.

Listen, it's not, you know...

(STAMMERS)

I'm Tier 2.

I don't know if you're

familiar with the... No.

Oh, okay.

Well, it's not so bad.

Really, it's not great...

It's not optimal, okay?

But in three years,

I can unregister.

Oh, good!

Come on! It's not

like I was some old man

luring kids into

my underground dungeon.

You're a children's

musician, Jose!

Jesus, why didn't you at least

stop me from doing that?

(STUTTERS) I've tried!

I've been super

passive-aggressive about it!

But

you kept making T-shirts!

(sum-nus)

(BLINDS OPENING) (GRUNTS)

(JOSE GROANS)

(GROANS)

(sum-nus)

JOSE: "Tsipar..."

Tupac Chopra? I have no...

Fucked up neighbors, man.

Glendale, I don't understand.

You always had this,

didn't you?

This

secret was like a ripcord.

You didn't want any of this.

Uh...

(INHALES DEEPLY)

You finally have a good out.

Take it.

♪ You're breakin' my heart

♪ You're tearin' it apart

So fuck you

♪ You won't boogaloo

Run down to Tramps

♪ Have a dance or two, ooh!

♪ You're breakin' my heart

♪ You're tearin' it apart

♪ ...but fuck you ♪

♪ One is the loneliest number

♪ One is the loneliest

♪ One is the loneliest number

That you'll ever do ♪

♪ Then

♪ Then you drifted away

(SOBBING)

♪ When I awoke I found out

I'd been dreaming

♪ Some of my bed clothes

were still on the floor

♪ I looked around

Realized you were leaving... ♪

KATE: How good

Dusty was for him

and how he provided her with

a kind of creative caliber.

Yeah, that's what you said,

but you obviously went into

some sort of alpha state

when I responded with the

occasional skepticism.

KATE: Really, Gabe,

an alpha state?

Honey, don't call me Gabe.

KATE: Why?

That's your name, Gabe.

Yeah, but you know what, I

think sometimes you just...

Guys. Guys. Guys.

Violet, knife! Guys!

Oh, Jesus, oh, Violet.

Violet, get away from your brother.

You're gonna stab him.

Violet! Oh!

Time-out box. (SIGHING)

There's a time-out box?

What, like a hockey player?

Way to keep

an eye on them, babe.

Oh. Right.

I'm a terrible father and

you're mother of the year.

I didn't say that. I just...

No, I mean...

No, you didn't say it.

Maybe you could put your

guitar away for two seconds

when your child is attacking...

And one's standing

in the kitchen.

I guess I just

feel that since...

(COUGHS) (INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

Oh, my God, are you okay?

I'm okay, I'm okay, I'm okay. I

just needed your attention back.

And should I ever actually be

choking, I'm going to do this.

So there's no confusion.

(LAUGHING) Jesus.

Look, ever since

I met her, right...

Ever since the day that we

met, everybody was like,

"Fucked up Jose

found the perfect woman."

Yes.

(GABE AND JOSE LAUGH)

I guess I'm just saying that...

(SIGHS)

That I don't... Who knows

who's perfect for what.

I spent so much time counting

everybody else's blessings,

I don't know that I ever had the

opportunity to count them for myself.

Maybe now you'll have

some objectivity.

Isn't that... Maybe

that's what's happening.

Okay, so look, Jose...

Look, no, no, no, no.

I think she's gonna call.

They always come back.

No, yeah, I know, they always

come back, we always split up.

I mean, isn't it possible that some

people are just meant to be miserable

lonely, old, childless and

alone living with you?

(LAUGHS HEARTILY)

Oh, no, are you gonna like...

Are you gonna screen all her calls?

Like you did with Sophie

and Uli and Penny and...

Yes, yes. Yes, I am. Yes, I am.

Because...

And block her e-mails.

Because it provides

an emotional firewall.

Facebook? No, we were

never Facebook friends.

Precisely in case this ever

happened, I forbade it.

Besides, it provides like a clear

line in the sand, you know?

I mean, this way

she doesn't get hurt

any more and I have clarity,

you know.

I think it's important just that

there be clarity, you know.

Yeah, but I thought that

you had clarity with her.

I think...

I think maybe I had

her clarity.

I don't know. It's unclear.

I lack clarity on the issue.

I mean, she... I mean, look,

let's not forget something.

She packed my bags.

Mmm-hmm.

She packed my bags.

(CLEARS THROAT)

She packed

a sleeping man's bags.

That's like

a Howlin' Wolf tune, man.

I mean, how about a little,

you know, "Hey, fuck her."

You know, "Fuck her."

Frog. Frog. Oh.

Where?

No, we say "frog".

We say "frog" because of the...

Yeah, yeah, I got it, I got it.

There's children. Look.

Honey, you're supposed

to be in time-out.

Violet did a bad thing.

Honey, honey. Say,

"I did a bad thing." (REPEATS)

What happened?

No. Yeah.

No, no, Violet! Not again!

(GABE SIGHS)

Go with Mommy.

KATE: Get in here,

Violet, right now!

(STAMMERS) What'd

the little dickens do?

She has been number one-ing in

our bed since Fred was born.

Sweet Linda Blair.

I'm so sorry.

Okay? Hey, honey,

you got this one?

You know, it's poker night

at Mickey's.

Oh, no, no, pal, I think it may be a

little too soon for the schadenfreude.

No, no. Come on, it'll be good for you.

We got to get out.

KATE: Go, just go. I have

to do my video Pilates.

So what she's saying? Yeah.

KATE: I'll make up your couch, Jose.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

♪ Jams

♪ I, I, I

♪ I wanna

♪ I wanna kick 'em out ♪

What's with the...

When'd you...

When'd you start smoking again?

What do you mean?

I have one occasionally.

All right.

It looks like

a fun way to smoke.

Hey, listen, um... (CLEAR

THROAT) When do you have to

re-register for the rape thing?

(SCOFFS) I can't stay anywhere

longer than two weeks.

Okay. 'Cause obviously,

you know, with the kids

and the neighbors

and Violet's party...

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait,

that's my party, too, buddy.

I'm gonna be a big boy this year.

All right? (GABE LAUGHS)

I know.

Don't worry, don't worry.

Two weeks and I'll be

staying in a hostel.

Not a youth hostel.

(BOTH LAUGH)

(PLAYING MERRY TUNE)

♪ I like cheddar ♪ I like brie

♪ I like you ♪ I like me

♪ Let's get together

and talk about the weather

♪ Come on, get cheesy with me ♪

(KNOCKING ON DOOR) Oh.

Oh, stop. All right.Get that.

JOSE: For ten minutes, I've been knocking.

Ten minutes.

MICKEY: Hey, Lawrence,

peephole, peephole!

Always.

It is people.

It's these people.

Hey.

Oh, okay. All right.

(PLAYS SAD TUNE)

(MOCK SNIFFLING)

Thanks.

Thanks. Thank you.

Hi, I'm Lawrence.

Lawrence, it's Gabe.

We grew up together.

Gabe, what's happened?

Something's different.

GABE: Yeah, yeah,

I have white hair.

You know, I have kids.

It's like being president.

Oh, Gabe,

oh, you look great, man.

Thanks. Nice to see you.

I feel like I've been

hit by a truck.

That's all right.

You're gonna...

I think you just need a little

time and then you'll be...

LAWRENCE: A lot of love

in this room. Gabe.

Long time, long time.

Mickey, how you doing?

I'm excited.

Lawrence, get the lock.

Bolt lock, top and bottom. I got a

little problem with an admirer.

Have a seat.

For medicinal purposes.

"Songs by which a quarantined

heart laments, Volume 4."

I'm running out

of songs for you.

I know, I know.

I appreciate the effort.

Thanks, man.

LAWRENCE: Sorry, Jose.

I liked her.

Her soul didn't seem

as black as the others.

Hmm.

Hey, divorcing Linda was the best

thing that ever happened to us, man.

Thank you, Gus.

MICKEY: Not for her wallet.

A guy's got to make

a living somehow.

Welcome back, buddy.

Welcome back.

Yeah, great to be back.

JAKE: There's plenty of

good meat out there.

You're just gonna have

to lie about your age now.

(CHUCKLES) Jesus.

MICKEY: Speaking of good meat...

Oh!

Wait until you see this.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Looks like

an abortion in a pot.

JOSE: David Cronenberg's

toilet.

Korean menudo.

I saw them play

Fresno back in '82.

(LAUGHTER)

Is that an eyeball? Mmm-hmm.

I got the recipe

from this oriental joint

that I reviewed

a couple weeks ago.

Oriental, really?

Asian, Asian, Asian!

You know, idiot, you can call

something oriental, like a rug.

I'm an idiot.

GUS: Jose,

I had a very vivid dream.

(STAMMERS) What was it, Gus?

GUS: Oh, the dream? Yeah.

Oh, I dreamt that Dusty caught

you with a teenage girl

and you tried to tell her that

you and Dusty were both Mormons

and that the girl

was just a sister wife.

Well, you know, honestly,

though, not far off.

When did you have

that dream, Gus?

Last week.

That's sort of prescient,

really.

All that acid's

made him prescient.

Is that right? Sort of.

Me? Just... (WHISTLES)

Nothing. Flat.

(SHUFFLES CARDS)

GABE: What're you working

on over there, Jake?

The world isn't ready.

All right, the name of the

game is Texas hold 'em.

Fuck that. It's not televised.

Straight poker.

Dealer's choice, buddy.

(EXHALES)

Is it three cards or two?

GABE: Every fucking

time he does it.

I want to play this game, but

I don't know how to play it.

Will you please teach me, Daddy,

because I'm... (VOCALIZING)

You know, I hear you.

Yeah, I know.

I said it audibly.

You think it's permanent, Joe?

Don't call me that, please.

You're not Mexican.

I'm an eighth.

Okay.

I have to make

a confession to you.

To all of you, actually.

JOSE: Okay.

I, uh, may have...

Murdered somebody.

No, I may have accidentally

Facebook friended Penny.

(EXHALES) Oh, my god.

Why would you do that?

To be fair,

she requested me first

and I always thought

we had nice conversations.

We would talk about Faust.

Yeah, because she's the devil.

You get it?

I mean, you understand that

she broke up with me via text

literally while engorged

by her choreographer

while she was on the road.

I mean, it's not a joke.

I think, uh, she's been

sober almost a year.

Oh! Almost. A record.

LAWRENCE: Yeah, that's right.

And well,

I think she misses you.

So I thought I'd,

you know, run it by you

just to see if you were,

I don't know, interested.

All right.

No, that's totally appropriate

of you to have done that.

Um, maybe you should

ask her out.

Really?

No. No! What is wrong... No!

It's like me...

GABE: I'm sure

Dusty'll call, Jose.

No, no, no.

I can't do that back and

forth thing with Dusty.

No, he needs clarity.

I need clarity.

MICKEY: What the hell

happened to AltaVista?

(LAUGHS) Did you say AltaVista?

Yeah. All right, fuck poker.

We're watching a LaserDisc.

Every time. Right.

Why don't you just

call it LaserDisc night?

Kings of the Road.

Poison Ivy?

MICKEY: I got some good titles here.

GABE: What's that one?

MICKEY: I got Jose's biopic,

Repulsion.

Oh, here we go. It's got your

name written all over it.

Holocaust.

You're not laughing.

Are you okay?

You want me to call her for you?

No.

Are you sure? No.

(INDISTINCT TALKING)

DUSTY: This song is beautiful.

Who is it?

JOSE: Bridget St John's her name.

She's a '70s folky.

She's still around, though.

DUSTY: It's really nice.

My friend, Jake, he makes me these

tapes off of his old records.

(BABY SQUEALING)

What is it, Violet?

Violet did a bad thing.

KATE: Violet, would you

get in here, please?

Gabe, I thought you had them.

GABE: Hey, what do you want from me?

I got to get dressed, too.

Just 'cause I don't work

in an office

doesn't mean I don't

have to wear clothes!

KATE: No, shit.

By the way, you have to cut

the carrots the other way.

GABE: What, length-wise?

Yes, otherwise

they're a choking hazard.

GABE: This is Mommy

and Daddy's bedroom.

KATE: Where are my keys?

Oh. GABE: I'm disciplining

our child, okay?

Kate, are these...

Oh. Yes, thank you. Sorry.

Oh, you know, Penny used to do that

third-person thing that Violet's doing

when she drank.

I know, we remember.

We're terrified.

Your mom called.

She's in Syria.

She said your

cell phone is F-U-C-K'd.

Why didn't you

tell her about Dusty?

"She's the best thing

that ever happened to you."

She's gonna call you

when she gets to Istanbul.

Have a great day.

Fred, I love you. Goodbye.

Have a good day.

Remember, no peanut butter.

(DOOR CLOSES) Me?

Violet.

Why can't Violet

have peanut butter?

GABE: (SHOUTING)

Why do you think?

(HICCUPS)

(JOSE EXHALES)

Good. Okay.

This is good.

No!

Oh! Jesus God!

♪ Mary had a little man

♪ His speech was made of gold

♪ And everywhere she went

♪ Well, you know where she goes

♪ When it rains It's what

we're reaching for what...

♪ Life, life has turned

inside out All is blind

♪ Just got to be

what you want to

♪ Just got to leave

if you have to

♪ 'Cause you got to be

(MIC MALFUNCTIONING)

♪ What you want to

♪ Go your own way, let it... ♪

Hey. What's up with...

Mia's out!

Mia's out! Guys.

Mia's out, guys.

(MUSIC STOPS)

What the fuck! (ECHOES)

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Fuck.

All right, now it works.

Now the mic works.

Fuck.

(ENGINE SPUTTERING)

(SIGHING)

(HORN HONKING)

Mmm-hmm.

(EXHALES HEAVILY)

(CELL PHONE VIBRATES)

Hey, um, could you just...

Could you hand me that?

♪ Fasten your seatbelt... ♪

(SNEEZES)

Come on. Other way.

Keep it in the other direction.

I'm sorry, my fault.

My fault.

You know, I used to

rock out with my cock out.

I know you did. I know you did.

Literally. 1990 Arts Festival. It was...

(WHISTLES) It was out.

Totally expelled,

straight to rehab.

Yeah. Now you rock out

with your Crocs out.

(CHUCKLES) FRED: Cock.

GABE: Oh!

A doodle-doo. GABE: Shh.

JOSE: A doodle-doe, buddy.

Nice save. Thank you.

Man, I hope the stepmother

isn't there, man.

Isn't she always there?

Yeah, she's constantly

swimming.

She's always swimming.

Swimming, diving. Swirling.

(SIGHS) This is mortifying.

Hey, she's living off

the same dole as you are.

I know. Which one is it?

It's just...

GABE: Is it up here?

Yeah. Well, you can

pull over here in the...

Like here?

But I mean, I'm doing

the right thing, right?

This one? Yeah, right here.

I mean, this moving on, I mean,

this is the right... Right?

Yeah.

Yeah. Clarity's a good thing.

I was just thinking I thought

Dusty would call by now.

Ah, she'll call.

Yeah. But whatever.

I mean, frog her, right?

Frog her, okay?

You're Tier 2, man.

Yeah, I'm Tier 2. I'm Tier...

It's like pissing

on a fire hydrant.

Okay. All right.

Don't worry about it.

Okay. You got it.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey, Jose! How are you? Summer!

Hi, how are you...

Oh. Hey, how you doing?

Good to see you.

Good to see you. Come in.

REPORTER: And kidnapping at

the hands of rivaling cartels

in the Mexican

state of Michoacén.

SUMMER: Hey,

do you want an A.P.?

JOSE: Sorry, what?

SUMMER: It's an Arnold Palmer.

It's like iced tea and lemonade.

Yeah, no. I know what it is.

I didn't realize you could...

abbreviate it. Anyway.

(CLEARS THROAT)

So, uh, where's your dad?

He's your dad, too.

Well, he's really

more your dad.

Uh, he went out.

He went to get some Orangina

and I asked for some bananas.

(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

Oh! Oh, but he wanted

to give you this.

Oh. It's a fist bump.

I know what...

I'm familiar with that. Okay.

Kind of weird. Uh...

(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

What...

Did you...

Where...

Where am I?

Did you add

a floor or something?

Yes, isn't it amazing?

Yeah, no, it's totally amazing.

My show went into syndication so I

gave Mom and Dad the go-ahead to like,

you know, break the piggy bank.

That's magnanimous of you.

Hi, Sue Ellen. Oh.

Hi.

Okay.

Hates me.

(CLEARS THROAT)

So, oh, boy.

(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

Oh, man, it is nice here.

Oh, my God, so nice, right?

Really nice.

Hold on just a second. Yeah.

REPORTER: (ON TV) ...children

and harvesting their organs.

Amazing.

Hmm? What is?

Out here on the deck.

Oh. Yeah, no.

Sorry, I thought 'cause you

were looking at the phone,

I thought maybe...

No, I can chew gum and look

at art at the same time.

(CHUCKLES) No, I wasn't

suggesting otherwise.

Um, so, what the hell, man, how you been, Summer?

(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

You look great.

What is that? What?

What, what? Come on.

Come on, what?

Can't a half-brother visit his

half-sister, you know, without...

Look, I didn't just like fall off the

ice cream truck or whatever, you know.

I don't want you to feel like you

can't come to me in a crisis.

Okay. Thank you. Okay.

(SPLASHING)

Here's my... But I'm...

I'm not an ATM, you know?

I'm your sister who loves you.

(STAMMERS) No, and I you.

What?

I love you.

Oh, okay, that's good.

Okay. Yeah. Um...

Yeah. It's just that my car,

my car, Summer... (CHUCKLES)

(SPLASHING) It's just like...

I think it's...

(WHISTLES) You know?

Yeah, it's just...

Okay.

If I could just get

like first and last.

You know, I think I could probably

cobble something together.

Well, what about the bookstore?

I'm sorry?

You could go back to that,

right? Your...

Yeah, the bookstore. Um...

Who's your friend? Uh, Lawrence.

He gave me Lolita.

Does he still work there?

Oh, God, that's disturbing.

Uh, yeah, yeah, he still

works there ever since

he dropped out

of Harvard 22 years ago.

And I think he was just

promoted to register.

Oh! Oh! Genius, genius!

Do you have a YouTube

channel, Jose Stern?

Uh...

Well, the Borges have videos up there.

Is that what you mean?

No, no, no, like a channel.

Like a YouTube channel.

Uh-huh. Right?

So if you think about it,

this whole place

was built off my old

YouTube channel.

Without the makeup tutorials...

Yeah.

I never would

have gotten my own show.

There literally would be

no Totally Bonkers.

And we would be falling

through the air right now

because there would be

no deck here.

(CHUCKLES) That's funny.

Um, yeah, uh, okay.

So you're...

I'm sorry. So you're suggesting

I do makeup tutorials or...

Um, well, maybe not that 'cause

it's kind of my thing, but...

Hey, what about

your instruments?

Don't you have, like,

a lot of really old

instruments and you can

sell them.

They're probably, like, worth some

money, right, because they're old?

Yeah, no, they're old and they're

worth something, but I just can't...

And that's not...

Hmm.Mmm-mmm. What?

No, Summer, I can't, I can't.

I can't sell my gear.

Why? Just because I can't.

Okay, you know my song,

Hugs and LOLs?

Mmm-hmm.

Okay. So that whole song was made

on a computer. No instruments.

Wow. That's good.

No, I know people do that.

That's just not

really my, like...

Like I'm not a big MIDI guy.

What is a MIDI?

MIDI, well, it's how

you made your song

without instruments, basically.

No, no. I said I used

the computer.

I did it on the computer.

No instruments.

(GULPS)

No, I know. You're right. Um...

(SIGHS) I guess...

Here's the thing, Summer.

My car is just like,

at this point, is a planter.

Oh, it doesn't work? Right.

Why doesn't it work?

(EXHALES)

It just doesn't work. Okay.

I'm really sorry about that.

That's terrible.

Yeah, if there's any way

I could just...

Look. Jose, you're my brother,

I'm here for you, and I love you.

Mmm-hmm.

And if you need to

springboard for spitballs,

I'm your girl. That's me.

But I feel like it's not

healthy for either of us,

if I just keep

lending you money, you know,

because you don't

really have a clear path.

You know, you have your

whole life in front of you.

Maybe not your whole life.

But I really think you should try

and focus on finding a good path.

All right. Right. Yeah.

(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

Ah, amazing.

What is?

Oh, my friend just wrote,

"Amazing." I was just reading it.

(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

(SPANISH SPOKEN ON TV)

(SPANISH SONG PLAYING)

WOMAN: (ON TV) Do you ever

wonder what it would be like

to wake up to discover that

the world is your oyster?

Come to Mexico and find out.

Take a dip in the pool

and discover what's waiting for

you just beneath the surface.

Mexico, where all

the strangers are perfect.

There's no better time

of year than right now.

Here at Mexico where your

memories are waiting.

Call now for amazing offers

(CELL PHONE VIBRATES)

(CONTINUES VIBRATING)

PENNY: I'm glad you

picked up the phone.

Yeah, I am, too.

It's good to see you.

Yeah, I was surprised.

What happened to your whole,

"All exes are dead to me

"and never pick up the phone"?

You didn't read the statute

of limitations clause?

Lawrence didn't

Facebook you that?

No, I missed that.

Yeah, well, after four years,

I pick up the phone.

You know, maybe if you kept

it in your pants, who knows?

It was really awful

what I did to you.

It was. Yeah.

I'm sorry.

No, it's all right.

That point in my life,

it was all dance,

and I was on the road, all

these old demons coming out.

All these old choreographers.

Oh, God, he was so old.

Oh, God.

He had the most fucked up feet

you've ever seen in the

history of the world.

Really, 'cause I was really...

Just picture

gnarled tree roots.

Gnarled...

No, I don't want to. No.

Okay. Probably for

the best. Yeah.

Yeah, thanks. Yeah, I think so.

My therapist said that

I was in a fugue state

so I basically fucked

you over from a dream

if that's any

consolation to you at all.

Really. Thank you.

Fugue state? Was this a

certified therapist or a...

Mainly a cat psychic, but...

Okay. Yeah.

Dabbled in human psychology.

Okay, well, then, there you go.

But let's get real. I mean, we

were together for four years.

You were never gonna propose.

You don't know that.

(GRUNTS)

(LAUGHS)

You don't know that. Okay.

Well, what happened with the latest one?

Daisy was her name?

Dusty. Dusty.

We actually were engaged.

You were? With, like,

a ring and everything?

I mean, I was saving up for the

ring 'cause, you know, yeah.

So, I'm sorry, I'm just having

a hard time picturing this.

Were you on bended knee?

I was... Um...

Uh, not exactly. I was

lying down, as it turns out.

Yeah. Okay, so it was

our third anniversary,

and Mickey was staying with us.

He was... You remember

Mickey, right? Okay.

And he was, like, hiding

out from this ex-Marine,

like, psycho brother

of this girl

that he'd picked up

at Rockaway Records

who was like kind of

a little shy of 18.

PENNY: Ah, classic Mickey.

Yeah, they fell in love over

a Steve and Eydie record.

Ah! Well, then

in his defense, I mean,

it was safe to assume she was at least 50.

Yeah, exactly.

It's heavy. It's heavy. You

don't seem to understand.

No, I understand.

I hate hockey.

Why couldn't he play badminton?

Okay. All right.

All right. (GRUNTS)

(SCREAMS)

What's wrong? JOSE: I can't... It's

just my neck, it's just my neck.

Okay. Okay, what can we do?

Oh. I just...

(GASPS)

What?

Oh, God.

(STAMMERING) I think

I'm having a stroke.

A what? A stroke?

PENNY: A stroke?

Yeah, I don't know.

It just came to me.

Kate's Pilates instructor

just had a stroke

a week before, and I

had stroke on the brain.

So to speak.

Right, so to speak.

Well, you know, you did start

to develop neck problems

when we'd been together

for about three years.

No. I always had...

I always had neck... Really?

No. I always had neck issues.

Okay.

Okay, anyway,

so the EMTs arrived, right?

I think you guys are gonna

have to shave him.

Shut up. Listen.

(STAMMERING)

(EXHALES)

Hey, we'll get through this.

You just have a bad neck.

No, no, no. No,

I read it could be arterial.

Listen, come closer.

If I get through this,

I think we...

So dizzy.

He's proposing.

Really?

Okay. JOSE: Yeah.

Okay. Okay. Let's go.

PENNY: So basically,

Mickey proposed to her.

Congratulations.

Yeah, whatever, look, I've been

thinking a lot about this, okay?

And I think maybe

I'm a free spirit.

You? JOSE: Yeah.

Have you even

left town since 9/11?

Yeah, Santa Barbara.

Look, listen to me.

I think maybe I'm a free spirit

and I'm just really

bad at it. Yeah.

I guess that could be true.

Yeah.

You just need practice at it.

Yeah.

But if that is the case,

then you're kind of

out to dinner

with the wrong gal

'cause these days, I'm...

Right, Lawrence

told me that you're...

Yeah, sober.

Wow. A year.

A year. Hey, you know,

good for you, right?

Thanks.

You still have daddy issues,

is that right?

Oh, yeah.

Okay, good. All right.

Well, in that case, to a year.

Oh. To coconut water.

Mother of Christ, really?

Oh! Penny and Mark, it's so good

to see you kids together again.

Hi, Elsie. Hi, Elsie.

Who the fuck is Mark?

Oh, never mind.

Seriously. Table that.

Oh, Jesus.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Yeah, you have been

record shopping, huh?

Good taste, Penny.

Gotta hand it to you.

PENNY: Ow! (CAT YOWLS)

You... Everything all right up there?

PENNY: Uh-huh.

Okay.

PENNY: This fucking cat.

Look at this.

Look at you, Penny.

You still got my little

baby guitar I got you.

PENNY: Hmm.

Oh.

You ever play it?

(STRUMS OUT-OF-TUNE CHORD)

(CHUCKLES) Not recently.

Oh, wow!

Sweet Norma Desmond.

(LAUGHS)

Well, that is definitely

something more...

Is that more comfortable or...

PENNY: Oh.

(STAMMERS) She's very,

very comfortable.

Oh, shit. You...

Shh. Shh.

Okay. Okay. Just shush.

Shh. Quiet nights, Jose.

Quiet nights and quiet stars.

That's not

coconut water, is it?

(LAUGHING) Oh.

She is having a tiny

little bit of sake.

She's having a carafe, I think,

is what she's having of sake.

So that wasn't, uh, coconut water

at the restaurant, was it?

PENNY: Uh-oh!

JOSE: Uh-oh.

You should... Shh.

Okay. Yup. I should...

You should be a little quiet.

Okay.

I miss this guitar. Yeah.

I really, I really, really

miss this guitar. Jesus.

Yeah, I... Really.

I miss you missing it.

I really miss the guitar.

Well, it's the end

of that suit. (LAUGHING)

Wow. Jesus.

So, Penny, uh, I'm just, I

guess I'm maybe just unclear.

You remember how we were talking

earlier about... Mmm-hmm.

You had said you were so... I mean,

aren't you in the program or...

(GRUNTING)

Fine! Fine!

I always said... Yeah.

What does he want from her?

What does he

even want from her?

Uh... Uh...

Oh, God, Almighty,

please grant me the serenity

to be fully engorged

by this Mexican,

Jewish-Mexican beard Jew

by the time she counts to cock.

I didn't know you

could count to cock.

Oh, she can count to cock.

She can, yeah. And balls.

She's really good at math, huh?

♪ Penny, it's common sense

♪ If you're worth

your weight, you'll repent

♪ Penny, I miss your scent

♪ Just come back to me

'cause I'm spent ♪

(BANGS)

Oh, that can't be a good sign.

MICKEY: Holy shit!

JOSE: Indoor voice.

Wife. Seriously. Shh.

Yeah. I know she's radiant.

I'm angry about it.

Spay that cat right there?

Come on now.

Excuse me. Hi.

We have an emergency here.

Can we see somebody please,

right away?

Oh, yeah, sorry.

What do we got?

No, we want her.

God. I'm sorry.

Okay, no, it's fine.

You know, we get that a lot.

JOSE: Yeah. Yeah.

Uh, Dr. Morrison, these gentlemen

seem to have found a wounded bird.

Oh, no. Okay. Can you tell me

what happened? JOSE: Yeah.

Well, he just...

Yeah, my very sensitive friend

here was playing acoustic guitar,

and this little critter

flew into the window.

Jose, being a little squeamish,

you know how artists are,

he, uh, called in the big guns.

I came and I rescued the

situation which I usually do.

♪ ...looked down

and sang a song to me

♪ Of how it began

(VOCALIZING)

♪ The trout in the shiny brook

3 Gave the worm another look

♪ And told me not to worry

about my life

(VOCALIZING)

♪ Tree in my own backyard

stands all alone

♪ Bears fruit for me

and it tastes so good

♪ Where's my pretty bird?

KATE: Violet. Come on, we've got

to go to school, honey. Let's go.

♪ If I keep singing

he'll' come back someday

Bye, Jose.

Bye, Violet.

Have fun at school.

♪ Dawn, bird's still gone

Guess I'll go mow the lawn

♪ What a day, what a day

♪ Ooh, what a beautiful day

this is ♪

(PIANO PLAYING)

I just couldn't

do it, you know?

Well, it's probably for

the best that you didn't.

No, I know.

She was so beautiful

last night, my God.

Mmm-hmm.

JOSE: But I'm not...

I'm really not even sure

it's legal when

she's like that.

You're not sure what's legal?

Hey, how about

a bathroom break, big guy?

But I don't have to go.

You never know.

(GROANS)

JOSE: Oh, buddy.

(sums)

What are you doing tonight?

I don't know. I was actually

thinking that maybe.

Dusty was right

and I should try

and write some

children's songs.

There's a lot of money in that.

No, I know, I know.

Or just frog it

and sell the Gibson '79.

Wait, is that the stereo amp with

the separate trem and reverb...

Oh, hey, hey. Fuck. Ouch.

Yeah, and it's at the house.

You're going back to the house?

What happened to clarity?

I have clarity.

I just don't have first

and last on an apartment.

MICKEY: Lawrence, cut it out. LAWRENCE:

The ceiling is collapsing on me.

MICKEY: Stop playing

with the ceiling.

LAWRENCE: Why don't you

get it fixed?

MICKEY: I pin it, it falls.

JOSE: Not too close, all right?

MICKEY: Yeah, yeah,

not my first stake-out.

JOSE: It's not a stake-out.

LAWRENCE: Isn't that

Dusty's car?

MICKEY: Now it's a stake-out.

JOSE: Jesus Christ,

what is she doing?

God, she must have

changed her shift.

Fuck, I need that amp.

Uh-huh.

I need it. It's first and last, okay?

It's a vintage amp.

It's worth a lot. It's in very...

I have clarity.

MICKEY: Just be a man and march up

there and get your amp. Come on.

You know what, don't give me

that "be a man" bullshit, okay?

It has no effect on me because

I'm not a man, and I have no...

I don't care. It's an empty...

(JOSE SIGHS)

It's a partial

Mexican standoff.

Fine.

Hey! Tell her it's for

a gig at the Bowl.

You want me to Facebook her?

Dusty?

Yeah.

Facebook her, what do you mean?

That can mean anything.

Many things.

Just do a little recon.

No, I don't want you to do any recon.

I don't want you... No recon.

Okay? I want my amp

and I wanna move on, okay?

And that's it.

Did you give my half-sister

a copy of Lolita?

I may have given her some Nabokov.

I'm not exactly sure which...

Yeah. Okay.

One it was. That's great.

Who the fuck... Who's that?

Wait, is that a TV?

No, it's Dr. Steve.

Dr. Steve, the guy from...

Dusty's vet.

Oh, they have the amp.

JOSE: What the fuck...

MICKEY: Does that work

on humans?

DR. STEVE: Yeah, you could try

chewing on a bully stick.

If you don't want

to go to the dentist...

JOSE: Why are they

coming over? Jesus Christ!

What the fuck are they doing?

You can try chewing on a bone.

A bully stick? A bully

stick, it's like a bone.

I can get those at a pet store?

Yeah, sure.

And it's okay for humans?

Yeah, why not?

(CLEARS THROAT) Hey, man!

How are ya? How are ya?

Hey, Jose, how you doing, buddy?

Good.

MICKEY: Let me get

that door. Let me...

All right, I'll grab it.

You got it?

Yeah, I got this. All right.

MICKEY: Thanks, that's great.

Oh, yeah.

(STAMMERS) Hey, what...

Dr. Bob. Hey.

How about you just call me Bob?

Hey, Bob, how you doing, man?

Great, great. Yeah.

Good, good. Good.

DR. STEVE: Hi. How's it going?

DR. STEVE: Great. How are ya?

JOSE: How you doing, man?

Good. I'm really good. Yeah.

JOSE: Good. Good.

AHH fight.

MICKEY: Thank you so much. It's

a real pleasure. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, no sweat, Mickey.

You guys have a peaceful night.

Okay, man, you too.

All right, thanks. All right. It was

good to see you, man. You be well.

Bully stick. DR. STEVE:

Yeah, the bully stick.

MICKEY: I'll look for one

of those bully sticks.

You're always complaining that

you've never been with a black.

What? A black?

A black woman!

Jesus Christ, a black woman.

A black woman. What do you

think I meant, a black man?

Shut up!

♪ There could never be... ♪

MICKEY: I don't know.

Dude, what you mean, you don't know?

You didn't ask him?

I was blinded

by his charm, okay?

I mean, I was like

literally putty.

I mean, that guy is so charming,

you forget how handsome he is.

He is a really attractive individual.

No, he's handsome.

Christ. I don't understand.

I mean, I thought she'd go find herself.

I mean, I'm fine. I'm...

But I mean,

now she's dating some guy

that she went way out of her

way to emphasize was asexual?

I don't think she's dating him.

I think he's in there just...

Killing her.

That's the kind of guy that has

a cryogenic freezer

in his basement.

MICKEY: You would know.

I would know.

So now this is

a murder mystery?

LAWRENCE: No mystery.

This case is closed.

Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ,

what the fuck, man?

I mean, that's my house there.

I mean, that's my...

I mean, I'm not on the deed, but I mean...

You know what?

Fuck this, man. Fuck this.

I wanna go... I wanna meet exotic women.

I wanna meet...

You know what we're gonna do?

I'm dead inside.

So we should go

where life began.

Outer space?

Africa, man.

No, no, no, no.

Why would you wanna go there?

You gotta take a lot of

antibiotics to go there, Joe.

What about Sweden? You always said

swarthy guys fare well in Sweden.

Oh, yeah, we do. But I can't go back.

I made some enemies.

What're we doing?

Gonna swim there?

Just go to the bar.

(BELL DINGS)

(INDISTINCT TALKING)

I don't have the clap.

(LAUGHS)

(GLASS SHATTERING)

You have to be...

(WHISPERING) See the whole

family's asleep, so you be quiet.

Shh. I like your family.

I know you do. I love them.

Enjoy your family.

Thank you. Good night. Bye.

Okay.

What am I doing, man? It's fucking...

It's only 2:00 a.m.

Los Angeles shuts down,

but I don't.

I gotta lot of...

I'm gonna get the party...

You know what?

Whatever you do,

don't play that piano.

♪ I know it's a little late

♪ I hope I don't

wake your state

♪ I feel like my ultimate fate

is to masturbate ♪

That's not a bad fucking idea.

No.

"Pick the girl of your dreams."

African-Swedish.

Hi there.

My name is Jerome Kern.

Gotta make it good, nice.

Let's make it pretty.

Oh, that's nice. I mean,

maybe not the world's

most appropriate hooker music,

but it's your night.

It's your night, buddy.

I mean,

I'm completely backwards.

Okay, I gotta relax.

You're an hombre.

Okay.

Fuck. Fuck.

Ambien or Ativan?

Fuck! Which hand?

God damn it, which hand?

DUSTY: This song is beautiful.

JOSE: It is, isn't it? Hmm.

Who is it?

Oh, Bridget St John's her name.

She's like a '70s

folky, you know.

She's still around, though.

My friend Jake, he makes me these

tapes off of his old records.

It was nice.

It was really nice.

It was.

Then why are you

still scowling?

Oh, I'm afraid

that's permanent.

(LAUGHS) No! Yeah.

Botox is really the only...

Oh, man.

Answer at this point. Uh-oh.

Yeah. Hmm.

Let me see. Put your head here.

Okay.

You're gonna...

Are you gonna...

Are you gonna operate, Doc?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Are you a shaman?

No.

What if you're... What if

you're a neurotic collector?

(LAUGHS) A what?

Well...

It's come to my attention that

I may be a trifle neurotic.

And since you're so

stunning, stable, perfect,

then you must

have a fatal flaw.

And it's gotta be that

you collect neurotic people.

(CHUCKLING) Yeah.

If I told you I wasn't

a neurotic collector,

would that make

you feel any better?

Mmm.

No. Probably not.

Right. So you're just gonna

have to trust this. Sorry.

There's gotta be a catch.

You're a catch.

If you say so.

I say so.

Yeah, I'm your yang.

Yeah.

You're my scruffy yang.

KATE: Jose! Jose!

What is it, Kate?

(GASPS)

Oh, my God! (SPEAKING SWEDISH)

Kate, listen very carefully.

(SPEAKING SWEDISH)

Get Gabe. It's a home invasion.

Home invasion.

Home invasion, Gabe! No, Gabe!

GABE: I'm coming!

What the hell?

What's happening?

Is it a friend? You get her?

Oh, God, you're gonna

need more than a racket!

Oh, Jesus Christ, I haven't

even had shitty kids yet.

(KIDS SCREAMING)

Go, go, go, go.

Oh, God. Oh, my God.

Oh, I'm not wearing any pants.

Kate, I understand

what's happened here.

I thought it was a Manson deal.

(SPEAKING SWEDISH)

So, are you Swedish?

(SPEAKING SWEDISH)

Like Wild Strawberries,

did you ever see it?

Oh, it's about an old man, and

he's going over his whole life...

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

What is it, chicken?

I'm not chicken, I'm a Violet.

Um, Honey, I'm not so sure

that doing that with

your mother's underwear

is the best idea.

Why not?

Well, it's probably

gonna just stretch them,

and, you know, I bet you

it doesn't feel too good.

It feels very good to me.

Hey, Gabe! Gabe!

Gabe! Gabe!

I'm a little

above my pay grade.

Yeah, there's a...

Yeah. (GRUNTS)

crazy clown situation here.

KATE: Don't forget, Violet

has ballet after school.

GABE: I know. I know.

KATE: Don't snap.

GABE: I'm projecting

from the other room.

Here. Oh, Hi, Hi.

Here's Uncle Josie. Yeah.

Hi, Fred. Hi, Fred.

There you go. You're so happy.

Hey, buddy.

Ambien's pretty strong, huh?

Kate, I am so sorry.

Gabe screwed up the order so

you're in charge of picking up

more paper plates, cups,

kazoos and funny hats. Got it?

That's okay, yeah.

There's gonna be a lot

of kids here tomorrow

so ixnay on the pills

and whores, yeah? Yup.

Enjoy your day.

It's okay. He's not so bad.

I love you, Fred. Bye.

(SIGHS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

JOSE: ♪ I like gum

and you like cheese

♪ Together

we go to the Gymboree

♪ I like fruitcakes,

you like pies

♪ Together we know

that's just not right

(LAUGHS)

I don't know. I like cats.

I like cats, I like...

All right. Cats...

♪ I like cats, you like hounds

♪ I am lost

♪ I once was found ♪

(CELL PHONE VIBRATING)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Probably for the best.

Okay, all right. Jesus.

I need a safe haven.

Oh, Jesus Christ,

the Yelp girl?

Such a big mistake,

such a big fucking mistake.

You should never play

Misty for these girls.

I know, I know, but I

actually like that tune.

It's so stupid.

I need a place to stay

just for awhile.

Oh, no, pal, honestly,

a hooker woke Kate's family up in

the middle of the night last night.

Probably not a good idea.

What about Lawrence's place?

I can't... He can't.

He's staying at my place.

Besides, he's

convinced his apartment

is being bugged

by the bookstore.

Jesus Christ.

Yeah, I'm hoping

he'll meet my stalker

and they'll diffuse each other.

Sure, you're very sorry. But do you

have any idea how badly you have...

The kids aren't here, are they?

No, Gabe took them to the park.

How badly you have

ass fucked me?

You have fucked me

right in the ass.

I can't walk because the ass

fucking that you have given me

has ripped me in two, you fucking

piece of shit! Feel better.

I love you. (CLEARS THROAT)

(STUTTERING) ls everything...

Probably not. No.

The fucking

caterer has the flu,

except I know

it's fucking bullshit

because we share

a client and he told me

that he took

a higher-paying job.

The cock-sucking douche bag, the day

before the motherfucking shindig!

El Pollo Loco?

(SIGHS) Hey, do your friends like...

(SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

This reminds me of

when we were kids.

What are you talking about?

I met you when I was 24.

Just kids then.

You know we have

to be out of here

after the party

tomorrow, right?

My two weeks are up.

Not mine.

My two weeks are just starting.

(CHUCKLES)

Can you hear that? Hmm?

You don't hear that?

No. What?

Mariachi music.

MICKEY: Oh, Christ, don't tell

me they're stalking me, too.

(MARIACHI MUSIC PLAYING)

This is from your husband.

I'm not married.

CABANA BOY: Well, maybe

he's proposing, then.

To Mexicano.

(SPEAKS SPANISH)

VIOLET: Hello.

Hello.

Hello. I said hello! Hello!

Oh, honey, honey,

give me that, hon.

It's broken.

Call failed. You know, who...

What's 805?

805, Ventura County,

Santa Barbara.

Why do you know that?

UC Santa Barbara.

Oh.

(SIGHS)

KATE: Gabe, you need

to get ready.

(SIGHS)

Would you get off the phone?

People are coming in half an hour.

Hey, I'm aware that people are

coming in a half an hour.

I'm writing

an e-mail to a student.

Oh, well, at least you

still have one of those.

Yes, Kate,

I still have one of those.

Jesus Christ, what is the fucking problem?

You've been on the warpath.

KATE: People are

canceling, Gabe.

Kevin's mother called today.

She said that you taught him

how to play Wang Dang

Sweet Poontang.

GABE: Hey, do you have any idea

how difficult it is to arrange.

Wang Dang Sweet Poontang

(or the piano'!?

It stimulates their little

fingers, their little minds.

KATE: Are you kidding me right now?

Are you fucking kidding me?

You're a fucking child. What,

you have Jose on the couch

while you teach your lessons?

GABE: Hey, you know what?

I'm spending time

with a friend, okay?

Who's leaving today. You're

supposed to be at work!

So what difference

does it make? I'm at work!

You know what, I am a...

That's work?

I'm a good boy, okay?

Lam a good boy.

I've been a good boy for 25

years since I went into rehab.

I've been a good boy every fucking

day in this relationship.

And I've been a good boy

since I quit the band!

And what? What?

I'm the bad guy?

I'm the bad guy for working so

hard for this fucking family?

I'm the bad guy? I'm the

fucking grown up, Gabe!

Hey, I've been a grown

up since I was 17.

No, you have been sober

since you were 17,

and that is not the same thing.

Oh, my God, come on! Are you

fucking kidding me right now?

Jesus! Give me a fucking break!

No. No! You can't have a break

because I can't have a break

because we can't

because we are pregnant!

With twins!

(PANTING)

Holy shit.

What's twins?

It's like two of you, sweetie.

(DOOR CLOSES)

UvaDisc!

KATE: It smells amazing.

MICKEY: Oh, yeah, you're

probably getting the galangal,

which is a very,

very kind of potent...

Yeah? Yeah.

It's like ginger gone bad. Yeah.

I'm sorry, I've been a little tense.

Carrying a litter, apparently.

Oh, no problem, darling.

You really saved us here.

Thank you so much.

Hey, listen, it's my pleasure.

Just point me in the direction

of the damaged divorcees.

Or actually, you know what? Unhappily

married women, I don't care.

You know what,

actually can you just wait

until the people come maybe?

I'll take anyone at this point.

Really? Yeah, just...

Maybe Mickey you could put some

tin foil over it or something.

Hi. Hi.

Couple questions about my set.

Would you like me to

err more on the side of

my 4-year-old humor

or my 40-year-old stuff?

Well, what's the difference?

Sailor jokes.

You know, blue stuff. Hi.

(SCREAMING)

Say hi. Oh, sweetheart.

It's okay, it's okay.

It's all right.

Kids hate me. It's okay.

Gabe, should we lose the clown?

Sure.

Thank you, man. Hey, buddy.

I call this Tom and Jerry.

Gus. Hey, Jose, happy

birthday, man.

Thank you, man.

Nice of you to be here.

I had a very vivid dream.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

What was it, Gus?

You were on

the beach with Dusty

or it was Linda

wearing Dusty's shoes.

You had this large sombrero

that totally covered your face.

And Dusty... Linda, lifted

the sombrero from your head,

and it wasn't you. It was Pepe.

Pepe from the liquor store?

Pepe from the liquor store.

Oh, Gus, that's uncannily

similar to a dream I just had.

Maybe you were both abducted.

That's not funny, man.

Many felicitous arrivals.

Oh, that's lovely.

Look at that.

(LAUGHS) That's lovely.

Lovely. Thank you.

(CLEARS THROAT) Gus, how,

I don't know, accurate

would you say this

prescience is of yours?

I would say about 60, 70.

(LAUGHING)

Do you want to

get some lemonade?

Where's Jose's hot mom?

I used to love sleeping over at

their house when we were kids.

Van Halen went on

without David Lee Roth.

Hey, we can get Sammy Hagar.

Hey, you guys, that's not

gonna be too loud, is it?

It'll be all right.

I'm using these.

They do this sort of

thing for a living, honey.

You all right there, buddy?

Oh, shit.

My parents fight a lot.

(CONVERSING IN JAPANESE)

I know you seen my face

in your Whole Food.

Yeah, a motherfucking

free range and vegan dude.

MICKEY: I don't know if I can

handle having a kid that cool.

I'd probably have to

Munchausen by proxy.

He's probably seen more tail than

I have in the last three years.

Three? You see that kid?

Yeah. No, do you see that kid?

That kid is our little slice

of the American pie dream.

The what?

(LAUGHING CREEPILY)

What the fuck was that?

Oh, my God.

That's my sweet spot

right there. I'm going in.

Sorry, sorry. Hey, Bro.

Yeah. How you

holding up, man? Okay?

Yeah, yeah, good.

It's good times, man.

Yeah? Having fun. Okay.

Hey, listen,

you had mentioned before,

you know, something

about Facebooking Dusty.

You're Facebook

friends with her?

Uh... Not exactly.

Okay, what does that mean?

Technically, she blocked me.

What do you mean, technically?

Well, I may have

recently hack friended her.

Okay, does that mean that

you can see her page or...

Theoretically, yes.

Okay, so theoretically,

would you be able

to check to see

if she's doing okay?

I just want to make sure because

I haven't heard from her.

I just want to make sure she's...

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, way ahead of you there, buddy.

She is definitely alive.

I was way off on that one.

Okay. All right.

Are there any status

updates or, you know?

Just says, "Went on my honeymoon,

off the grid for two weeks."

Adios. What?

I think she may have

taken those coupons

and gone on your

honeymoon without you.

Jesus Christ, why do you

know about the coupons?

What coupons? Never mind.

Why didn't you tell me this?

I'm not excellent

with judgment calls.

(SIGHS) Okay.

Don't know why this is news.

Jesus, she went

to Mexico alone?

I mean, I hope she went alone.

I don't even know what I'm

rooting for at this point.

(SIGHS) ls there anything else?

Yeah, Dr. Steve is housesitting.

It's all on Facebook.

I'd show you.

Oh, okay. All right.

Well, thanks for

telling me, you know.

I mean... All right, all right.

You're welcome, buddy.

Okay, so you sure there's

nothing else of any consequence

you're maybe

forgetting, omitting?

Oh, that honeymoon

comment got 31 likes.

All right. You all set?

Sorry. Sorry.

Gotta approach him

from the front. Okay?

Okay.

Hi. Hi, everybody.

Thank you so much

for coming to Violet's 4th

and Jose's 40th birthday.

(ALL CHEERING)

Anyway, this year we decided

not to do a bouncy house,

but we do have an amazing band.

Jose's band and

Gabe's old band, actually.

Erstwhile!

KANE: Wha I prefer erstwhile.

All right, so without

any further ado,

the erstwhile line up

of Jose and the Borges.

Yay, Daddy! (APPLAUSE)

Thank you, Kate. This is

dedicated to your couch.

When was the last time

you smoked a joint

at a children's birthday party?

August. (CHUCKLES)

♪ I'm a little boy, I'm a

little boy, I'm a little boy

♪ I'm a little boy blue

♪ I'm a little boy, I'm a

little boy, I'm a little boy

♪ I'm a little boy blue

♪ Are you a little girl, you a

little girl You a little girl

♪ You a little girl true?

♪ 'Cause I'm a little boy, I'm a

little boy And I'm a little boy

♪ And I'm a little boy true ♪

Yeah! Yeah!

(INDISTINCT)

It's too loud. Turn it off.

Gabe!

It's way, way, way...

It's a kids' party.

Gabe! Gabe!

It's too loud.

You need to stop.

I need some help.

Somebody help me here.

All right. Okay. I got this.

All right, Hendrix. Let's go.

Song's over. That's enough

with the feedback, man.

All right, Nugent.

Let's get you some water.

(BABY CRYING)

He's a fighter. (CHUCKLES)

I just wanted to rock out

with my cock out, you know?

He's gonna be all right.

I know. I know.

GABE: Sorry, sorry.

I'm fine. Sorry.

KATE: Yeah, it's okay, baby.

Let's just go inside.

Where's my shoe?

(PLANE PASSING)

JAKE: "I cannot account

for the hours

"that have been

smothered into submission."

"Not only this afternoon"

"but day after day,"

"year after year."

“Over the wasted

course of which time,

"I have been repeating

this futile lament."

"That it makes no difference."

"I have already

put in more than"

"my share of time

that adds up to nothing."

I guess the world is ready.

"One afternoon after another,"

"passing in a hypnagogic blur,"

"struggling to find

it's not there."

"Trapped in a refuge

of bypassed intentions."

"Yet from this tedium, I would

not welcome interruption."

"I like to complain."

"It creates the illusion

that I'm doing something."

Hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey!

(JOSE CLEARS THROAT)

(JOSE SPEAKING SPANISH)

I'm gonna have to do the rest

in English if that's okay.

Okay, thanks. Yes, I was

wondering if you could

connect me to

Dusty Morrison's room?

Uh... Hmm.

Okay. What about, I don't

know, what about Dusty Stern?

No? All right, what about, I

don't know, Joseph Stern?

My name is

Joseph Stern, actually.

Okay. I don't suppose

you could tell me if

a very beautiful woman,

5'4", alabaster skin,

very luminous. Yeah.

No, I... Yes.

Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.

Yes, no, I've seen

plenty of movies. Gracias.

(CELLPHONE VIBRATING)

Hello?

Hi.

Um...

Yeah, yeah. Yeah,

no, I can hear you fine.

I don't know why I can,

but I can, seriously.

You get better

service in Mexico.

Yeah, Mexico. I'm here.

Where are you? I gave them every

surname I could think of.

Did you marry somebody else?

I'm in Santa Barbara.

You're in Santa... Why?

(STUTTERING)

It said you were on your

honeymoon on Facebook

and Gus dreamed a dream I had

sort of that you were in Mexico.

I've been trying to reach you.

My e-mails kept bouncing back.

I mean, I've been calling you for days.

Ever since I got here.

Really?

Oh, goddamn phone.

You're in Mexico?

Yeah, I flew down.

I flew down to Mexico

to rescue you from drug lords

or win you back from a

full-blooded Mexican man or...

What, you flew?

Yes, I flew.

Yeah, believe me, I flew.

I'm like 10 pounds lighter.

(JOSE STUTTERING)

Santa Barbara,

I don't understand.

I was gonna go to Mexico.

I was furious,

and I was gonna go on

our goddamn honeymoon

if it was the last

goddamn thing I did.

Yeah, well, literally.

It's terrifying down here.

No, it's not. You're

basically in San Diego.

(CHUCKLES)

Anyway, I couldn't do it.

It's not me.

It felt like something

someone would do but not me.

So I decided to come

here for your birthday.

So you're on my birthday

and I'm on our honeymoon?

Yeah, I guess so.

(CHUCKLES)

This has nothing to do with,

you know, Dave, right?

Who's Dave? Dave.

Bob. Steve. Dr. Bob. Steve?

The guy from,

you know, the handsome.

Bob. No, he's housesitting.

Bob, is that

what this is about?

No, no. No.

I came down here because I

wanted you to know something.

Okay.

(SIGHS)

I came down here because I

wanted you to know that I'm...

Because I wanted you

to know that I'm...

(SIGHS) That I'm

a little queasy,

I think, from the flight

or the food on the flight.

I don't know if it was

really food exactly.

Sorry, I just...

Oh, God! Jesus.

I just got a... Sorry...

Neck...

Jose? Yeah, honey.

Jesus, maybe...

I'm pregnant.

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

♪ Just find it in my heart

Among the living change

♪ To find a brighter morrow

One must rearrange

♪ Every thought you thought

Every word you sung

♪ To the poems of yore

That's a losing score

♪ You're nothing but a punk

♪ You can even reason

You can even hope

♪ Your poetic justice

is justified

♪ You suck it in your throat

You swallow down at night

♪ You slam it in the mornin'

It used to be all right

♪ But you're a big one now

♪ You're all grown up ♪

No Way Jose (2015) - full transcript