No Small Affair (1984) - full transcript

Sixteen years old and obsessed...

...with photography.

Most kids my age are obsessed with
the urge that arrives with puberty.

It has a lot in common with
photography. Both deal with images.

Both are done alone,
and both require a steady hand.

There's room in my life for the two...

...but photography is exerting
the stronger pull.

I thought you cared
about the band.

I do care about the band.
This is just a better approach.

L.A., that's a better approach?

Excuse me.



Excuse me.

Could you please move?

-Oh, shut up.
-Would you quit hitting me.

-Can't even talk to you.
-Hey, you're in my shot.

Would you please move?

-Let's just forget it.
-Fine.

Laura!

Don't do it! Laura!

Wait a minute! Stop it!

What is the matter with you?

I hate photographing people.

People are the worst.

How's it going?

-How'd it come out?
-Pretty good. That'll be--



Twenty dollars is reasonable
for a session and prints.

Why he wanted a photo
of his daughter is beyond me.

She only graduated
from beauty school.

In my opinion, she could've used
a few more classes.

She was not what you would
call photogenic.

Forget it.

Yeah.

I don't like to extend credit,
but sometimes you have to.

I wouldn't do this kind of photography
at all, except that I need $8642.

Whoa, Mrs. Mad Max
and her killer Doberman--

Good morning, Cummings.

-There's room. Really, there is.
-It's fine.

It's okay, Mrs. Bennett.
I can make it.

-You don't have to walk those stairs.
-Nice dog.

-My dog is very gentle.
-No, I'm young. I can handle it.

Don't worry.

Jesus Christ.

My mom must be dating
a real sport this time.

I can't wait to grow up.

I'm Charles Cummings...

...if you're wondering whose
mother you had your way with.

Hi. I'm-- I'm Ken.

I hope you're planning to marry her.
It is the decent thing to do.

What did you say to Ken
when you barged in on him?

I knocked. True barging is when
you enter without knocking.

-What did you say?
-Nothing. I gotta go to school.

If I have a guest in my home...

...I don't think it's too much
that you be respectful.

-Yes, ma'am.
-Don't think I don't know about you...

...sneaking out at all hours.
That is going to stop as of now.

-I'm gonna be late.
-Charles...

...I want you to come directly home
after school today.

Your brother, Leonard, is driving up
to introduce us to his fiancée.

-Mom, we met his fiancée.
-This is a new one.

Has it ever occurred to you that maybe
he tells you he's engaged...

...to these girls so you'll let them
sleep together when he comes here?

Do all kids today talk back
to their parents the way you do?

Oh, no. Most of them are too stoned
to speak at all.

-Come on.
-I got it.

-Cummings, more coffee?
-No, thanks.

-Last call.
-No thanks, Grace.

-Come on, let's go, Grace, let's go.
-Four-five.

One-point-four.

-I never get it right.
-Don't worry about it.

-Okay, one more. Go for it.
-Two-eight.

-Two-O.
-Good eye.

-You belong to the photography club?
-No.

Arrogant. I like that.

I don't suppose you're going
to the dance this weekend.

-No.
-Me either. Wanna not go together?

My brother's coming in this weekend.

He'll be crushed if we don't have
a weekend of rivalry.

Come on, we could go out
to the airport.

I hear they just installed these
state-of-the-art games out there.

-I don't think so.
-What's the matter?

You don't like aggressive women?

-Well--
-So you ask me out.

Cummings isn't into girls,
right, Cummings?

Wanna go out with me?
Take my picture naked?

Hey, Mona. What's your bra size?

Multiply the length of your dick by 10
and add your IQ.

Ask a simple question,
she gives you a math problem.

Houston, this is shuttle control.

I think we have a renegade covert
Russian fly here...

...and are preparing to photograph.

Do we have permission on that?

Columbia, you have
permission to fire.

And that's a 2.8 light-meter reading.
Let's set our camera accordingly.

There we go. That one's set.

Okay. I think we caught
this sucker red-handed.

Oh, this is a beautiful shot.

This is beautiful. This sucker.

Oh, that's great. That's great. This is
gonna be on the cover of TIME here.

Oh, wait. We have liftoff. Oh, boy.

It's not like Leonard not to call.

Mom, it's exactly like Leonard
not to call.

Come on, don't worry, Joan. The
worst is they got hung up in traffic.

And the very worst is that their car ran
off road, and they're bleeding to death.

What on earth is wrong
with you, Charles?

Nothing. Why?

Whatever possessed you
to say such a thing?

I was just wondering...

...along with Uncle Ken here
what could be keeping them.

I think that your interest
in photography...

...has gone past the point
of being healthy, Charles.

You're spending too much time in that
darkroom with those chemical fumes.

He's just going through a phase.

I got a call today from
the principal's office.

He was caught taking pictures
of flies in his French class.

-Flies?
-That's right.

-One fly.
-Yeah.

I mean, all boys
go through this.

Probably needs to vent some
of that excess energy.

-Have a girl, Chuck?
-No, thanks. I'm full.

-Holy shit!
-All right, Charles.

If you cannot conduct yourself like
a civilized human, go to your room.

Thanks, Mom.

You can have my dessert,
Uncle Ken.

Army might not be bad
for a kid like that.

I was in the Army.

It's been said that life
is full of surprises.

My life is mostly predictable
and pretty dull.

Until this.

You haven't seen her anywhere?
You know her?

No, I don't know her, Cummings.
Never seen her.

No, never did. Sorry.

Someone said if you stand in a spot
long enough, the world will pass by.

I don't know who, but he's an idiot.

-Welcome home, Leonard.
-Yeah, you still playing in the street?

-Hi, I'm Susan.
-Hi.

-Where's the red carpet?
-Nice to meet you.

-This is the lady of my dreams.
-He's got red cheeks.

-She's quite a gal.
-Charles, come here.

-Susan, make yourself useful.
-Mom was worried about you.

Charles, don't stand there like a lump.
You got a free hand. Help us.

-Yeah, yeah.
-Thanks, honey.

-Come on, show her in.
-What do you got in here?

Susan, run a bath upstairs.

Well, that's a nice motor scooter.

-How long you known each other?
-Is there a tennis court around here?

Mom said you'd be home last night.

Susan got a throbbing case
of "los hornitos"...

...and forced me to stop
at an adult motel.

It was your Mr. Winkie
doing the throbbing.

Mom had visions of you
dead in a ditch.

We did the drainage ditch
number outside Santa Cruz.

Yeah, she can't keep
her hands off me.

-How long you staying?
-Till next Saturday.

-We'll be leaving after the wedding.
-What?

Leonard and I are getting married.

A simple ceremony
here in the apartment.

One minister. Several hundred guests.

Did you tell Mom?

We wanted to surprise her. Ma!

Mom, guess what?

-I don't want to hear any more about it.
-We were both--

She took the news of the
wedding plans better than I expected.

Leonard always seemed to get
what he wanted.

I never seem to get what I wanted.
Fortunately, I never wanted much.

But I wanted desperately to find--

A girl. Yeah.

Mid-20s.

Dark hair.

Distinguishing marks?

Symmetrical jaw line.

Finely sculpted cheekbones.

Her eyes? She has incredible eyes.

I-- I have a photo that
I could bring down for you.

I have to call a-- A caterer.

And maids.

The bride's parents are supposed
to do this. I should call them.

-Who are you talking to?
-Police. Missing persons.

Oh, quit being such a smart-ass,
Charles. Who is this?

Who wants to see big tits?

-Could I finish talking to them?
-Who are you?

Charles, come on.
We're going to North Beach.

-It's my engagement present to Susan.
-I'm not going.

I feel funny looking at other bosoms.

You keep your eyes shut,
and I'll describe every juicy detail.

-You're not going?
-I'm not.

Please, I am trying to talk to this man,
whoever he is.

I'm sorry. Grab your fake ID,
and let's hit the streets.

I'm terribly sorry. Now, who are you?

We got the girls. Showtime.

Hi there, take a peek.
Hey, pal, come here.

Come on in, come on in.

No, thank you.

-Charles?
-Charles?

Charles.

-How are you?
-You should have seen the chichis.

-My God, they were big ones.
-I know.

But I'm underage.
I can't legally look at chichis.

No. You're not having a
good time, are you?

No, I'm not.

Perhaps Susan will show you one.

-I don't think so.
-I'm not all that interested.

Well, we don't go home
until we get into at least one club.

You have to be 21. You want me to
wander around for another five years?

Oh, come on.

-No, forget it.
-No. Wait. Where you going?

Wait.

Here's my ID.

This is never gonna work.
I'm much better-looking.

You have to have a drink to toast
my upcoming marriage.

All they can do is just throw you out
and confiscate Leonard's license.

-I'll probably get arrested.
-They may not even card you.

I haven't been asked for ID tonight.

They'll ask. I always get caught
at this stuff. That's why I never do it.

Hi. ID.

All right, Susan.

ID.

Let's see.

American Express Gold Card,
Army discharge.

It's so rare I'm asked.
I'm flattered.

All right.

-Hi. ID.
-Huh?

-That was easy.
-Oh, yes.

I looked like somebody he knew.

-Who?
-Andrew Jackson.

-Oh, I want to sit on the balcony.
-All right.

-Hey, you, you work here?
-Yeah.

-What's your name?
-Jake.

-Jake? Just like the club. I'm Leonard.
-Yeah.

Glad to meet you.
Jake, does she take off her clothes?

I'm sure she does. But not in here.

Do any of the chicks
take off their clothes?

No.

Why would anybody wanna
just look at a band?

Forget it. We're having one drink,
and we're out of here.

-It's her.
-Who?

-Who is she? What's her name?
-I don't know.

Maybe he's got a friend.

Hey, move it. Move it, buddy.

Hey, kid. Sit down.

Ernie. Out!

Down in front!

Out!

I was a nice guy.
I let you in with that phony ID.

We better get Charlie and just go.

-Why? Charles is having fun.
-No, he's not.

Hey! That's my baby brother!

Hey!

Get them-- Get them out of there.

-What's your name?
-Laura.

Let's go, buddy.

If he could, he would strap
cymbals to his knees...

...and clang them during the act.

Jesus Christ.

I am not letting your escapades...

...spoil my Sunday brunch.
Now, start eating.

Leonard.

-Your sausage is getting cold.
-Mom...

...I wouldn't worry about
Leonard's sausage.

You'd think that someone about to get
married would have more sense.

You can just thank your lucky stars
the owner isn't pressing charges.

The bouncer knew it was phony.

I don't want to discuss it.
I want a pleasant brunch.

These waffles are great.

Oh, well, have some more.

-May I be excused?
-Yes.

When you clean your plate.

I-- I gotta say something here.

I know you look at me, and you think
I'm some square dude, right?

-I don't think that.
-No. Let me finish.

I'm a '60s person, okay?

I smoked pot. I had long hair.

We all wore granny shades,
the whole bit, man.

I don't want to bore you with details.

I want you to know
where I'm coming from.

I think I know.

Being weird and different
is not where it's at.

It takes energy, Chuck.

Energy that you could put
into being normal.

Boy, if you really work at it,
you have a shot...

...at being a very successful,
normal person.

Okay, specifics.

You like to take the snaps, huh?

So get yourself on the school paper.

You see? And you cover
the sports beat.

And you get yourself some
zippy clothes, and who knows?

You could end up with a cheerleader.

He's right.

What do you think? No, don't do that.
Don't censor yourself.

Grounded.

As if Sundays aren't bad enough.

Next time they ask how I feel, I'll give
the old tried-and-true "I don't know."

-We are good.
-Is that why kids younger than me...

...are cutting records?
What am I doing?

I'm sitting here still playing bars.

Jake, talk to him.
I've been talking to him for a week.

-Hi.
-Hi.

-Didn't the cops take you last night?
-Yeah. But my mom bailed me out.

You better get out of here.

If Jake sees you,
he will break your legs.

Well, let me give you this, and
I won't take any more of your time.

I respect your decision.

I'm glad somebody
around here does.

-You couldn't get through either.
-I gotta tell you, he makes good points.

You're supposed to convince
him to stay?

You can't deny good points.

There's nothing good about becoming
a half-assed studio musician.

-Money, hours, conditions are good.
-I didn't ask for a list.

If you are going to slug it out, do it
here where everything's broken.

I'll be in the office.

-Why are you doing this?
-I've been playing in bands...

...since I've been
in junior high school.

And I'm still a struggling musician.

-I'm too old for this shit.
-Scott, you're 28.

If you don't make it young in this
business, you don't make it at all.

There's a time when you got
to drop the fantasy.

Then drop the fantasy.

But don't drop it on me,
because I'm gonna make it.

You're kidding yourself.

No, no, no, no. I'll guarantee
10 weeks, 500 a week.

Tomorrow night.

I know they opened for
Fleetwood Mac. I saw the concert.

Yes, I heard the audience.

No, they were yelling, "We want
Fleetwood Mac," Bobby.

I can't go 750.

I'm telling you that I'll stand on
the stage and hum before I go 750.

Yeah, you think about it too.

You don't need to book a band.

What, you get him to stay?

We don't need Scott. I can get Snuffy
to fill in on keyboards. Please.

I'd love to help you.
I think you're a great singer...

...but it's thin without the guitar.

I'm in long enough to know
you need the whole band.

-We'll get another lead guitarist.
-Let me talk to Murray.

-Please.
-Jake Lewis.

If we don't fill the club,
then you can get another band.

-Listen, Mur.
-And you don't have to pay us.

Hold the line a sec, Mur.

I have never asked you
for anything. But I need this.

And I'll lose the band.

Let me get back to you, Mur.

Honey, I know it's tough.

Don't worry, I'm not gonna cry.

What do you think, I'm gonna
throw you out on the street?

It'll be okay. We'll give it a try.

Thanks, Jake.

You know, I could kill that son of a
bitch for breaking your heart like this.

-Jake.
-Yeah?

I know that feels broken too,
but it's not.

Yeah.

We'll give this a try. But remember,
I'm running a business here.

If you don't draw, we're
gonna bring in a band.

-Jake, can you loan me 5?
-Sure.

Jake! Jake, open up.
Come on, let me out.

What? Who--? Who's in there?

You can bet it's not
a satisfied customer.

Don't let this happen again.

Hey!

Hey!

He's a terrific swimmer, isn't he?

You again.

You know, at an early embryonic
stage, people have gills...

...just like fish.

Well, like tadpoles actually.

There's a kid at my school
whose little brother has a gill.

It never grew back together or
whatever it was supposed to do.

So he wears turtleneck sweaters
all the time.

What do you want?

Oh, nothing, nothing.

Well, that's not true, really. I wanted
you to look at the photographs.

What photographs?

You were yelling at us
to get out of the shot.

Yeah, that's right. That's true.

I was trying to get
the street sweeper.

The light's not good, and they're rough
because I didn't plan for the shots.

I mean, I can do a lot better.

So...

...you come here
just to look at this one fish?

When something's bothering me,
I come, and I watch the fish.

And whatever's bothering me
goes away.

It's not working today.

Well...

...I guess I'd better be going, then.

I was wondering if you would allow
me to photograph you sometime.

Look, that's very considerate.

Do you have a portfolio?
You should have a portfolio...

...for publicity. I'm really
a good photographer.

And I'm a really good singer.

I'm about to be out of work
unless I fill the club where I work.

Or play "hide the sausage"
with my boss, which I won't do.

I don't have a guitarist,
and I don't know where to find one.

I know that this must sound
terribly trivial to you...

...in comparison to your need
to take my picture.

But it's really important to me...

...so I would appreciate
if you would go...

...so I can figure out what to do.

Here's my number,
if you change your mind.

Charles Cummings.

Yeah, yeah. Charles.

Or you can call me Cummings.

Fine, Cummings. Goodbye.

I only know one thing.

I'm miserable,
and you're a lucky fish.

You get to look at her.

You don't exactly have
anything festive, Charles.

I can dress myself, Susan.

Let's give him a white shirt. Maybe
he'll spill something colorful on it.

You know, you are so lucky.

You get to spend this nice, quiet
evening at home with Mom.

Charles and I gotta go
to this boring old stag party.

I hate stag parties.

Good, don't go.

No, I'm just kidding.

We'll get you laid tonight.

Maybe we'll both get laid.

Why do you want to get laid?
You're getting married.

-Don't you love Susan?
-Oh, come on.

Of course I love Susan.

Listen, sex has nothing to do
with love. Sex washes off.

If I loved somebody,
I wouldn't go around having sex.

Oh, yeah, right. You don't
go around having sex now.

-Who are you in love with?
-I could have sex. I don't wanna.

No, everybody wants to.

Bet you'd give that singer a pump.

-I would not.
-Yeah.

I remember asking my mother once
where babies came from.

She told me one
of the most outrageous...

...incredible stories
that I had ever heard.

It turned out to be true.

-This is her best part.
-This is not natural.

-Neither is that.
-I never seen that before.

There's something wrong, watching
filth on the screen you watch football.

She will receive.

Animals and gentlemen...

...I'd like to introduce Stephanie.

-Hi, guys.
-Where's the man of the hour?

-What is this?
-What? This is your present.

We chipped in and got you
a 100-buck hooker.

-Sex surrogate.
-Sorry.

But we could only raise
enough for half an hour.

That's 29 minutes more
than Leonard needs.

-Hi.
-Enough talk. The meter's running.

Could you hold on for a minute?

Come here.

This is a one-room apartment
you got here.

Where am I supposed to go?

-Take her into the bathroom.
-I'm not gonna do it.

-I do it all the time.
-Yeah, you're alone.

So just go right down here
behind the counter.

I-- I think this is the climactic scene.

Guys, I told you this was a stupid idea.
Maybe she'll give us a refund.

I'll be with you in a second.

My brother's here.
This makes me feel funny.

So, what are you gonna do?

I know a place we could go.

-He talks?
-Leave him alone. What?

First, let's have a little toast
to my brother...

...and then I'll tell you
what I have in mind.

-Laura! Laura! Laura!
-Hey. Hey. Hey.

-Get out there.
-What's going on?

I have no idea. Go before
they tear the place apart.

She'll call you back.

Are you guys friends with Laura?

No, just music lovers.

Charles, hey.

Someone is here to see you,
Charles.

That's right. I told a certain someone
what you did tonight.

-Touched her, Charles.
-What?

Touched her deep inside.

So I'll leave you two alone now.

You are so sweet.

Do you know that?

Leonard said you wouldn't mind.

I....

I have to go to school tomorrow.

Early. I have to go very early.

-What grade are you in?
-Sixth.

I mean, 11th. I'm a junior.

-Don't get nervous.
-I'm not.

Good.

I don't know why I'm doing this.
I guess I'm in a very charitable mood.

And you....

You are so sweet.

What's wrong?

I have-- I have a headache.

Maybe you'd like me to rub
your neck.

Oh, no, thanks.
I can rub my own neck. Thanks.

Can you swim?

-I don't know.
-Well, it's just like swimming.

The butterfly stroke.

And I was state champion.

I'm....

I....

I really appreciate
what you're trying to do...

...but it's just such a surprise.

There's nothing wrong
with a little surprise.

I'm sorry.

Leonard didn't tell me you were
into S & M.

Maybe we'd better stop before
you get a concussion or something.

Listen, it-- Really, it's--
It's nothing personal.

-It's just that I....
-Look, I know.

I really do understand.

The first time is always scary.

-Did Leonard tell you that?
-No. It was just a wild guess.

Well....

I want you to know I think--
I think you're a very nice lady.

Oh, and I think you're
a very nice man.

And when you're ready I'm sure
you'll make someone a very nice lover.

-Thank you.
-You're welcome.

-What?
-Never mind.

What?

No, it's really-- It's--
It's stupid. Forget it.

Look, I've had men ask me
some very stupid questions.

Well....

You know, I don't want you
to think I'm--

I'm coming on to you or anything....

But....

Could-- Could I have a hug?

I think that's a first for me. Yes.

-Charles, what is all the noise?
-Mom!

-Mom.
-Mom?

Mom, Stephanie. Stephanie, Mom.

Hi.

You won't believe this,
but Stephanie here...

...was state champion of the
breaststroke-- Butterfly stroke.

She still has those big, nice swimmer
shoulders, doesn't she, though?

You must be a wonderful mother,
because you raised a terrific son.

That's...

...two terrific sons.

Grounded till I'm 40.

Well, I can see my mother's side.

Naked women in your room are tough
to explain, even if you're innocent.

Which I still am, in spades.

-Hi, Charles. How've you been?
-Fine.

-"Hi, Charles. How you been?"
-"Hey, Charles."

What is this?
Is this a Frisbee for midgets?

-Give it here, Nelson.
-Let's see how far I can throw it.

Nelson, give it here.

Knock it off.

-Give it here.
-Seriously, Charles...

...I've got a friend, Bruce.
He wants to go to the dance with you.

You can flip a coin to see
who wears the dress.

Cummings!

Excuse me.

-What are you doing here?
-Hi, how you doing?

-Great, now.
-I just wanted to thank you...

-...for the other night.
-That was nothing.

Well, it really meant a lot to me.

And I just want you
to know I appreciate it.

-How's it been going since then?
-I decided...

...to take you up on your proposition.
So when do you want to do it?

This is private, so would you mind
going off and playing with each other?

Toss the ball around.

Sorry if I interrupted something
with your friends.

They're not my friends, exactly.

So when do you want to snap me?

Oh, any time it's convenient for you.
I mean, you don't have to do this.

-It's not like you owe me.
-How about this afternoon?

Today? Well, yeah,
we could do it today.

Here.

Here's my phone number.

And my address.

-Tickle?
-Yeah.

Hold on.

-Just in case something comes up.
-Oh, nothing'll come up.

I just have to go home
and get my equipment.

-So I'm coming to your place?
-If that's okay.

That's fine.

-Nice car.
-Thanks. It's Jake's.

-It needs a wash.
-I'll see you in a bit.

I'm gonna have to have a doorknob
installed on this thing.

I'm-- I'm here to see Miss Victor.

Hey, Laura, that
pain-in-the-ass kid's here.

-Excuse me.
-Yeah, I'm sorry.

Hello.

Here I am.

I'm sure I look lovely,
so fire when ready.

Did something happen?

No. Just how I look
when I'm sitting around the house.

Did...?

Did--? Did he do something to you?

You could say that.

I read this article about
this South African tribe.

They had something like 50
different words for a cow.

It's interesting, don't you think?
People have the most words...

...to describe what they value
the most.

I should have probably read
the article.

How many words do you know
to describe the female sex organ?

I really don't know
what you're getting at.

I'm sure you've seen a variety
on the bathroom walls at school.

-I guess.
-So with all those words...

...you'd think it's quite a valuable
commodity, wouldn't you?

I'm sorry, is this making you
uncomfortable?

Oh, no, not at all.

I just can't help the feeling
we're being watched.

When I returned Jake's car...

...he told me that he'd hired
another band.

So I tried to change his mind
with my most valuable commodity.

You slept with him.

God, if I'd slept with him,
I'd still have a job.

Jake said he had
too much respect for me.

Can you believe it?

You just can't depend
on anything anymore.

Would you mind if we left
and shot someplace else?

No, no. That's what I brought
the extra helmet for.

Do me a favor and throw a few
of these things in this red bag.

-Sure.
-This stuff.

I'm gonna go clean myself up.

I didn't know you painted.

I don't.

They're my brother-in-law's.

I'm just loft-sitting.

Bye-bye.

Oh, hi, Mona.

Cute. She's got some nifty moves.

No.

What, you don't like girls?

They're okay.
They're just not real interesting.

Not like me, huh?

Pardon me.
Would you do me a favor?

Would you be kind enough
to take our picture, please?

All you have to do is press
this right here.

-I know how to--
-Go ahead, go on. Good.

Okay. Okay.
Hold it just like that. Yeah.

Cheese.

-That's great.
-Thank you.

No, no, hold it, hold it. Yeah.

That-- That's good. Yeah.

No, wait, wait, wait.
Hold it, hold it right there.

I just only have a couple of shots.

Really? That's--
No, you've got plenty. It says 36.

Okay.

Oh, okay.

Hi.

Nice guy, don't you think?

Wait a second. You know what?

We gotta do something
about your wardrobe.

-What's the matter? I think it's zippy.
-No.

You always look like it's
about to rain. Come on.

Look at that.
Unbelievable. Just "Diana."

She doesn't even have to use her
last name. Nobody says, "Diana who?"

-You think that'll happen to me?
-Absolutely. Why not?

I'm starving.
How much money do you have?

-Fifty cents.
-Fifty cents?

Some feast we're gonna have.

Wait, I got an idea.

Would you mind telling me
what you're doing?

Just trust me.

Is this a day or what?

-Hello!
-Hello.

I know you. How are you?

-Are you with the groom?
-Yes, of course. Where is he?

There he is.

We're gonna go say hello.
It's so nice to see you.

I don't believe this.

What did I tell you, a piece of cake.

Eight hundred, 600-- No....

I said, $8642.

And I didn't just make that up either.
I listed all my expenses...

...like airfare, rent, food--

Women, booze, drugs. Why Milan?

Why not New York? Isn't that where
all the magazines and all of that are?

Well, Milan is where they'll give
a new photographer a start.

I mean, once they get a name,
then New York.

You seem to have things
pretty planned out.

-What's wrong with that?
-Nothing.

Nothing at all.

Just you tend to miss a lot.

I mean, you cover more ground
zigzagging around...

...than you do going
in a straight line.

Well, you must've had plans
to get where you got.

Yes, I carefully manipulated my life...

...so I could become an unknown,
unemployed singer.

It's always been my dream.

No, but you see, you're gonna make it.

-I mean--
-Can I get you something to drink?

Yes.

Wait, where are you going?

To the dames du toilette.
Here. Do something.

Be a good boy, tie your shoe
or something.

Ladies and gentlemen, let's now greet
the bride and bridegroom...

...as they dance their first dance
together as man and wife.

-Nikita and Natasha.
-Let's go.

That's sweet.

Hey, what happened?

Your girlfriend leave you stranded?

Oh, no, she's just powdering
her nose.

You have all you need?
They treating you right?

Oh, it couldn't be nicer.

I see you can really hold your liquor.

You know the secret
of a good drinking man.

-Yeah.
-The more you eat...

-...the more you can drink. Am I right?
-Yeah, that's my motto.

-You got a good full belly, huh?
-I'm stuffed.

I bet you are.

Let's just see here.

-You got your champagne.
-Yeah, yeah.

A pitcher of margaritas.
Forget your tomato juice.

Dozen or so blini, caviar, a few
cheese puffs, throw in some rumaki...

...and your assorted nibbles.
I say it comes to an even 38 bucks.

How does that sound to you?

Beg your pardon?

Unless you want to throw in a few
dollars for the tip, but that's up to you.

Wait, wait, man.

Wait, man, this is a wedding, right?

Right. A wedding
for which I am paying.

A wedding to which family
and friends were invited.

A wedding from which you and your
lovely other freeloader are gonna...

...be leaving with cops unless you
come up with the money.

That's the kind of wedding this is.

You think we're freeloaders?

You're kidding.
You don't know who Laura Victor is?

Lead singer of the Bygones?

Possibly one of the biggest stars
this country has today.

It's the truth.
May I drop dead on the spot.

Kid, I think you're full of shit.

But if you're not,
maybe we can work something out.

I don't want to do this.

I don't know their songs.

You got me into this.
You're gonna get me out of it.

Come on.

You are in for a real experience.

One of us is.

Give her a note.

Attention, ladies and gentlemen,
a wonderful surprise.

We are privileged to have
with us this evening...

...the very talented and very lovely
Miss Laura....

Victor. She's going to favor us with
a song in honor of the newlyweds...

...and at the request
of the father of the bride.

Bottle of the French champagne
for the lady with my compliments.

When you were singing,
I got goose bumps.

I mean that. You were terrific, really.

-I mean it.
-Well, for not being my kind of music...

...I did okay.

You ask me, that's how you
should sing all the time.

Nobody's asking.

-I never heard you sound like that.
-Good.

Hi, I'm Charles Cummings.

Big fucking deal.

Big fucking deal.

-Come on, come on.
-What are you doing?

I am getting my key.

The key--?
Oh, the key to your heart?

No, the key's in my boot.

No, it's the key to your heart.

Oh, there it is.

Okay, come on, now.
Hold my shoe.

-Now, hold me up.
-Okay. Okay.

Okay, and push.

Will you pull my boot off for me?

I had a great time.

You know, I didn't even think I'd
like that kind of music.

But you were great.

It's old people's music.

And the only reason why you like it
is because you're weird.

Hi, Laura, this is Melanie.

I heard about this gig
over at the Mark Hopkins.

They need a cocktail waitress
to work the afternoon shift.

Call Mr. Gregg in the
personnel office.

-That's nice.
-Good luck.

It's better than nothing.

Oh, I guess you're not home.

I tried you over at Jake's.

Oh, this is Scott, by the way.

I know who you are, you idiot.

Listen, I'm really sorry to hear
about you losing the gig.

I hope you're doing okay...

...and I was just thinking about you.

So anyway, if you decide to get
out of there...

...I got a spare side of the bed...

...and a window that gives
a great view of the smog.

I'll be up till 11, if you wanna call.
I got an early session tomorrow.

They're putting this wave sound
behind some...

... Chevy truck commercial.

How could he go to bed at 11:00?

I don't think you want to drink that.

I don't need anybody telling me
what to do.

I know what I want.

I just want to be the best.

Laura, the best.

The best cocktail waitress.

Laura, maybe-- Hey--

Hey, what?

Hey, everything's gonna work out?

Well, maybe everything
isn't gonna work out.

Maybe I'm a lousy singer,
and you're a lousy photographer.

Now, don't say that.

Why, do you know you've got
what it takes?

I don't know if I've got what it takes.

You want to get to Milan?

Then you'd better go right now...

...because it might not be there
tomorrow.

And then what?

You've got no dream at all.

Just go.

Please.

I can't do anything like what you're
talking about on such short notice.

We don't do this kind of thing.
And if we did, you couldn't afford it.

Put your money away, kid.

It was an important lesson
I learned.

People's humanity may
disappoint you...

...but their greed never will.

I felt like I'd bought
the world's biggest present...

...and I was holding my breath
until she opened it.

Hello.

This is her.

Do I what?

Who is this?

You're disgusting.

Listen, you disgusting--

I'm sorry, I thought you
were someone else.

What?

No, this is not an escort service.

Well, I'm sorry, you're sadly mistaken.

God.

Hello.

I'm sorry, I don't understand you.

I don't speak that language.

I don't speak Arabic, no.
And I don't do that either.

Listen, how did you get my number?

Hello?

Yeah.

Terrific. Is that a fact?

Listen, I don't have the slightest idea
what you are even talking about.

I'm a cocktail waitress.

No, I will not talk dirty to you.

Hey, Laura, how you doing?

-Look. It's Laura.
-Fine. How are you?

-How are you?
-She looks great.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Wait! Would you--? Wait!

You.

-I wanna talk to you, now.
-I'm taking my midterm.

If you want to live to take your final,
you'd better get up.

She had a bad day.

Too much coffee.

I guess you're mad.

Half of San Francisco
and some foreign nations...

...think I'm some kind of hooker.

How could you put my picture
and my name and my number...

...on the back of a taxi?

I didn't put it on a taxicab.
I put it on 150.

-Why?
-Well, I thought--

-How could you?
-I thought if maybe--

What an asinine thing to do.
My phone hasn't stopped ringing.

-Every pervert has my number.
-I thought you might get job offers.

It got me offers, all right.

Some sheik wants me to have a scene
with he and his eight wives.

Good thing he didn't bring his camel.

-Charles?
-Would you kindly fuck off?

-He's my French teacher.
-Excuse me.

-Would you kindly "fuck-ez-vous"!
-Yes.

-I didn't think this out.
-You're being too kind.

You've made me a laughing stock with
this prank, plus costing me my job.

Laura, I'm sorry. I really am.

But you were the one that told me not
to plan so much, to zigzag around.

-Get rid of those pictures.
-I don't know if I can.

Why in the hell did you
do this to me?

I mean, "Laura Victor. She's the best."
What does that mean?

I just thought one thing
might lead to another.

I did it to help you.

Don't do things unless people
ask you. You understand?

Just stay away from me.

You're a weird kid.

Come on, that's my face
and my home number up there.

How'd you like it if you
had your home number...

...parading around town on
the back of 150 taxicabs?

A hundred and seventy-five. I threw in
an extra 25 because I like that kid.

Oh, terrific.
I'll just sue your company.

Well, go ahead. Everybody sues me.

I'll rip these damn things
off myself if I have to.

-You are real tough, aren't you, girly?
-Don't call me girly.

You're a beautiful woman,
but I can't figure out...

...what he sees in you. Laying out
6 grand, so he can make you some...

...goddamn star or something.

What did you say?

What did you say?

Six thousand dollars?

-He paid you $6000?
-Yeah.

-And you took it?
-Yeah.

He gave up Milan.

Oh, my God.

I'm such an idiot.

He gave up Milan for me.

Can you call me a cab?

-Hey, how you doing?
-Hi.

-You a friend of Charles Cummings?
-Yeah, well...

...we share a common interest
in photography.

-Can I buy you a Coke?
-No, thank you.

Listen, if you see him or he comes in,
would you please have him call me?

-He has your number?
-Everyone has my number.

-He'll give you a jingle.
-I appreciate it.

-What's your name?
-Laura.

-All right, Laura.
-Thank you so much.

-I really appreciate it. Yeah.
-I'll see you around.

It works, it works! You see how
she let me feel her left ya-ya, man?

You touched her shoulder.

It's all connected, isn't it?

Hello, is there a Charles Cummings
at this residence?

I'm sorry I disturbed you.
Thank you.

Sometimes it seems
like nothing ever works out.

And what's worse is sometimes things
almost work out and then fall apart.

If this is the way life is,
how do people stand it?

We're closing now.

Dear Laura:

I'm the last person you want to hear
from, but I wanted you to have these.

I didn't make an impression
when I said...

...how sensational you were
that night...

...and how you should sing
that way forever.

I'm no expert on music.

But I'm a photographer,
and I know pictures don't lie.

I'm really very sorry for all the trouble
I've caused. Sincerely, Cummings.

P.S., I know you don't want to see me
right now, but take my address.

Humor me. Consider it
the last request of a condemned man.

Hello.

Yeah.

Sure. I can give you a phone job.
Can you hold on?

Laura!

It's just me.

What is it, Jake? I don't give second
chances if that's why you're here.

No, no, no, no. It's just that...

...I've been thinking things over.

And I have to admit, I made
a big mistake when I fired you.

Right when I fired you,
I said to myself:

What are you doing?
She's a terrific singer, a real talent."

That's what I said, Laura.
Honest to God.

Don't get God pissed at you too.

Okay.

-Can I level with you?
-No. Continue lying.

Okay, okay. The pictures
on the back of the cabs--

-Not my idea.
-Oh, I know. I read the story here.

-What story?
-The story here.

There's a whole thing in the paper,
your picture and everything.

See, you and that kid are a goddamn
syndicated human-interest story.

It says you sing in my club.

Shoddy reporting.

A whole lot of people have...

...called up for reservations
just to hear you sing.

You know I hate to disappoint
the paying public.

Yeah, I do.

I'm desperate, Laura.
I got a house full of people. Come on.

I know an A and R guy
from Atlantic Records...

...is flying in from L.A.
just to hear you, but....

Jake, what do you want me to do?
Get up there and sing a capella?

I lost the band, remember?

No, no. The group that replaced you
will play backup.

Yes. Yes, Laura.

All right. I'm an asshole, okay?
Don't you be one too.

I mean, this could be a shot
for you, a real shot.

I couldn't get away from her.

I thought of throwing myself under
the next taxi as a poetic gesture.

I opted for a slightly less poetic and
definitely less permanent gesture.

-Did you get it?
-Yeah.

-You know you'll catch pneumonia.
-Yeah, I hope so.

-Put this on.
-Give me the bottle.

No. Put it on. I won't give you
the booze until you do.

Okay, I'll put it on.

Okay?

Do you mind if I take a small sip
to take off the chill?

-Actually, I'd really rather you didn't.
-After I gave you a raincoat?

Okay, take a sip.

That's enough. It's not that cold.

There, I put some back.

Just keep it.

Old age and treachery will beat
youth and enthusiasm every time.

A word from the wise.

Excuse me, I'd like....

You'd like what?

I'd like to have sex with you...

...but I'd like to be sure that you had
some horrendous disease.

Preferably one that could turn out
to be fatal but not terribly painful.

How'd you like me to run a razor
over your jugular vein?

How much would that be?

Oh, for crying out loud.

We've been standing here
an hour and a half.

It's such a cold--

Mia. Send a bottle of our best
champagne to table number three.

-Okay.
-Yeah...

...best domestic champagne.

He's drinking beer.
Let's just say it's on the house.

-You got class, Jake.
-Sure, I was born with it.

-Two beers.
-Yeah.

Ladies and gentlemen, Laura Victor.

What the hell is this
all of a sudden?

Real good.

Thank you. Thank you.

If anyone of that description
comes in there...

...will you call me immediately?

Do you swear?

You're a Catholic hospital,
so you'd better not be bullshitting me.

Thank you.

You gonna tell me where
that came from, huh?

I don't know. It sort of slipped out.

Singing up a storm.
You were sensational.

Jake, I'm really glad you're happy.

-There's somebody to meet.
-I gotta go.

-What go? You got a set to do.
-I'll be back.

Laura, you can't do....

Laura, you're not big yet.

Hi. Is Cummings here?

-Charles? No.
-No?

-I was kind of hoping he was with you.
-No.

-Who is it, Leonard?
-A friend of Charles.

-You have no idea where he is?
-No.

Oh, my God.

Isn't it enough that you advertised
on taxis? You go door to door too?

No, I'm just trying to find Charles.

How do you know my son?

Well, it's a long and involved story.
Will you just have him call me?

-Yeah. He has your number?
-Yeah.

I ripped out my phone.

-Can I leave him a note?
-Yeah, go ahead.

-I need paper.
-I have paper.

-What's going on?
-She ripped out her phone.

Well, I was getting
obscene phone calls.

Oh, dear, what a shame.

Would you mind?

If you have a phone
with a four-prong jack...

...you could probably plug it
back in.

From Charles? You were receiving
obscene phone calls from Charles?

Mom. She's trying to write a note.

I don't wonder she receives obscene
phone calls running around like that.

I mean, Charles would never
talk dirty to anyone.

No, of course not.

-Could you make sure he gets this?
-Yes.

-And it's confidential.
-Don't worry.

Okay.

You know, I'm sure
that Cummings--

Charles, he's gonna be back
real soon.

-Make sure he gets that.
-We will.

Thanks.

-Good night.
-Yeah. Bye.

She took my pen.

I hope nothing happened
to the creep.

-Did you bring the note?
-I hid it.

-Where?
-I'm not telling.

-Leonard.
-No.

-Just look for Charles.
-You're no fun.

Hey, wait a minute. I think
I see something. Go back.

-Oh, God. I think it's him.
-Yeah, I think you're right.

Charles? Charles. Charles.

-This boy is blotto.
-He looks strange, Leonard.

He always looks strange.
Come on, Charles.

-Come on.
-Get up.

What have you been drinking,
huh, Charles? Shame on you.

Don't laugh, Leonard.
It's not funny.

Okay, up. Up.

Good.

Take him in the jeep.
I got his scooter.

-No. Don't, Leonard. Leave it.
-You're not a wife yet.

-All right, just be careful.
-Always am.

Leonard!

Susan.

As you put this ring
on Leonard's finger, repeat after me.

I take you, Leonard, to be
my lawfully wedded husband.

I take you, Leonard, to be
my lawfully wedded husband.

-To have and to hold.
-To have and to hold.

He really did it.

And I was glad. I mean,
Susan is a wonderful person.

Leonard is a wonderful person.

I am a miserable person.

I think this is referred to
as wallowing in self-pity.

I'd forget about Laura,
probably after my death.

But I'd never forget the fool
I made of myself.

And not only was I a fool,
I was a penniless fool.

Which is worse than the guy
who collects carts at the market.

May I have the ring, please?

The ring, please.

Charles, give him the ring.

-The ring?
-The ring, it's in your pocket.

Leonard.

As you give this ring to Susan,
repeat after me.

I take you, Susan, to be
my lawfully wedded wife.

I take you, Susan, to be
my lawfully wedded wife.

To love and share my life
from this day forward.

To love and share my life
from this day forward.

I now pronounce you man and wife.

She loves me! This is so great.

-I love you, Mom.
-I love you too.

Love you too, Uncle Ken.

Where you going?

-I got your--
-Am I glad to see you!

Oh, my God!

Where've you been?
What happened?

I phoned your apartment,
went by your apartment.

I, for sure-- I didn't think
I was ever gonna see you again.

I didn't think you'd want
to see me.

-You look great.
-Thanks.

-These are for you.
-They're beautiful.

-Thanks.
-I have something for you.

I got a contract, a demo
on Atlantic Records.

-No.
-Yes.

This is wonderful.

-There.
-Oh, my God.

Five hundred....

-I thought you were broke.
-It's an advance.

If it hadn't been for you, I wouldn't
even have had the chance.

-And God knows I didn't deserve it.
-Come on, you're terrific.

No, I'm not. You're terrific.

There's something
that I need to say.

What?

Well....

When I grow up
I wanna be like you.

I don't know what
I'm gonna do without you.

I'm not going anywhere.

I'm going to L.A. tomorrow.

-L.A.?
-Well, the A and R guy said...

...if I'm serious about my music,
then that's where I should be.

But what about us?

That won't change.

We're friends,
and we'll always be friends.

And it doesn't matter where I am
or where you are.

Cummings, you're my best friend.

Well, that's great.

That's just great.

That's wonderful, yeah.

I guess things are turning out
exactly the way I planned.

Great.

-Cummings, don't do that.
-I'm just having one for the road.

You're gonna get sick.

I am sick.

Because of you,
I almost caught a disease...

...that I don't even think
they have a name for yet.

Not to mention wandering around
at night in the rain in a garbage bag.

You know about
leak-proof garbage bags?

Well, it's all lies. They leak plenty.
But I won't bore you with that.

I should've known better than to get
involved with human beings.

Ansel Adams was right.

Rocks and trees.
Give me a telephone pole anytime.

Things don't play with your emotions.

Machines and buildings and cracks in
the sidewalk, they don't lead you on.

How do I get out of here?

-I must have missed something.
-No! I must have missed some--

Wait. Here.

Cummings, please forgive me
for being such an ass.

Things are wonderful
because of you.

I can't wait to see you.
I love you."

-Laura, you wrote that, didn't you?
-Yes, I did.

-You said you loved me.
-I do love you.

-Then how can you leave?
-Because I'm....

Cummings, isn't--?
I thought this was what you wanted.

Yeah, it's exactly what I wanted.

Spend my life savings on a woman...

...and have her run to Tinseltown
to become a star!

Oh, forget it.

And you can take your scarf back.

And it may interest you
I got a D-minus in French.

I hope you're satisfied.

I am beginning to get
a very clear vision of how things are.

I have just been fooling myself! Shit!

Finally something around here works.

Oh, terrific. You're gonna start
that business.

Come on. Okay, that's enough.

Will you stop crying?

Will you please stop crying?

What...?

Why are you crying?

Look, I....

Yeah.

Look, I know you gotta go.

And I want you to go, you know.

Well, I don't want you to go,
but I want you go....

You know what I mean.

Yeah.

Guess I'd better go and let you pack.

But before I go, could...?

Could I kiss you goodbye?

I never kissed anybody
like that before.

I was pretty good, wasn't I?

Not bad.

-Hello.
-Can I speak to my mom?

Yeah, hold on. It's Charles.

Charles?

I'm just calling to tell you
I won't be home tonight.

You're not coming home tonight?

Just wish him a good night, Joan.

Charles, have a good night.

Way to go, Charles.

You know, I'm pretty sure all my life,
I always dreamed in black and white.

Last night I dreamed in color.

I think it's a compliment.

We timed it perfectly.

Yeah. I hate long goodbyes.

That is, I think I'd hate them.
I've never really had one before.

-Cummings--
-No, I shouldn't be feeling like this.

I should be happy for you.

But I'm a little too depressed
to be happy for you.

Final boarding for United flight 91
to Los Angeles.

Don't forget me, okay?

Hey, are you kidding?

When I'm 90, I'll lie in bed
and just think about you.

I love you.

I wasn't gonna say that, you know?

I wasn't gonna get corny.

Hey, any girl loves to hear it.

I hope you say it a lot
in your lifetime.

I know you're gonna hear it a lot.

I gotta go.

-Thank you.
-Thank you.

I could smell her perfume
and her body on my clothes.

And I felt sadder than
I'd ever felt in my life.

I knew she'd have other men
in her life, but I didn't care.

I wouldn't care if she was 90
and toothless, I would still love her.

I wanted to fix every detail
of last night and today in my mind...

...and make the memory
a photograph.

I would never love anybody
but Laura. Never.

I would never make love
to anyone again.

That's almost definite.