No Hard Feelings (2023) - full transcript

Stop. Stop.

Gary, what the fuck?

Court order for asset seizure.

Pay your property taxes, Maddie.

No, this is a mistake.
I'm negotiating a payment schedule.

Guess they're done negotiating.

So they take my car? I'm an Uber driver.

Not my problem.

How am I supposed
to pay their taxes bartending?

My problem is that
you went radio silent on me.

Is that what this is about?



No, I also have a contract
with the county,

but I'm saying,

a little explanation about why
I never heard from you again

would've been nice.

You can't just ghost people.
Three months is not nothing.

Three months? Felt longer. In a good way.

Wait, Gary, please stop.

You were right, okay?

My feelings were so intense
that I got scared.

I freaked out.

Is that true?

Of course it's true, you big dummy.

Last night, I was doing laundry,
and I thought to myself:

"I miss that fucker. I miss hearing
about what the Jets were doing wrong."



What you would do differently
if you ran the team.

-They'd be so much better.
-So much better.

The other day, I saw a green sock,
and I was like, that's Gary's.

This feels good.

Just say my car wasn't here, okay?

Yeah. You know what?

I will do that
because it's not gonna be here.

What...? That's my cousin.

He's from Italy.

Gary, I swear to God, he's my cousin.

Second cousin. That's their culture.

-Have you ever been to Italy?
-I wanted closure, I got closure.

-Thank you.
-Gary, come on.

-It was a fling.
-No, no, it wasn't, not to me.

My sister was right about you.

Wait, your sister who was arrested
for elder abuse?

Okay, Gary.

There's something
seriously wrong with you.

You think you're so perfect?

You're indecisive, which is annoying.

Okay, Gary, I'm sorry.
Will you drop me off?

I'm bartending at the Claw today.

God. You know...

I just can't decide.

You're an asshole.

You think I chose this?

Hi, Gary. What can I get you?

Let me get a banana bread.

Actually. Wait, hold on.

I gotta go lemon loaf.

I'm gonna...

I want a heated...

-That's gonna be 4.50.
-Right.

Come on.

Hey.

What the hell are you doing?

Trying to save my house!

-You got it?
-Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

No. No, no, no.

Come on, man.

Gotta get it together, Maddie.

One more infraction
and you lose your licence.

Lot of good a licence is gonna do me
when I don't have a car.

My mom left me that house.

It's paid off. Can they do this?

If you haven't paid your taxes, they can.

So these rich fucks move in
and then our taxes triple? Bullshit.

Good news is
you have till September 1st.

-You'll pay it off.
-Not without a car, man.

Any idea how much money I lose
every day I'm not Ubering?

Summer's when I make my nut for the year.

I get it.

These people are moving in,
trying to push me out?

Do you have any idea what that feels like?

Course you do. Thanks.

-See you on the water.
-All right.

Come on, dawg. You know how we do.

New house is right on the water.

Tore down the old place. Gotta come out.

G and T with lime.

Yeah, I take him out on the boat,
like, every day.

We're not open until noon.

Know what, bro?
Let me call you right back.

It is noon.

It's 11:57.

Got it.

Now what time is it?

It's 11:56.

-Give it back.
-Why not wait on your boat?

I'll blow the foghorn when we're open.

The fuck's wrong? Just asked for a drink.

Hey, hey, hey. Stop that.
What is going on here?

Sir, I will make your drink for you.

Good Lord.

Fuck that. You need to fire her.

I can't. She has a disability.

What? No, I don't.

-You don't?
-No.

-That's the reason why I hired you.
-Bullshit.

You know what? We cannot start off
the summer like this, okay?

You could be a bitch
any other month of the year.

Be a bitch in October.
Be a bitch in March.

Don't be a bitch in June. Okay?

These people keep our lights on.

These people are the reason
I'm losing my house.

Sorry, Fern.
I'm having a shitty morning.

Yeah, I see that.

You know what helps me?

Folding napkins.

Oh, this car's only $1000.

Oh, no, that's just the tyres.

Not gonna find anything on Craigslist.
I've looked.

You could always sell your kidney.

You could sell your hair,
your plasma, your eggs.

The human body's a cash cow.
People don't understand that.

Jim, I can feel our baby getting dumber.

Just trying to help.

You could always rent the house out.

No. I can't stand the thought
of those summer people

being in my house.

Hey, hey. Look at this.

"Need a car for college?

Date our 19-year-old son this summer.

He's a wonderful young man,
extremely smart, but socially shy.

Never had a girlfriend.
We've tried everything.

We're looking for an attractive,
kind, intelligent woman,

early to mid-20s,

to date him and bring him out of his shell
before he leaves for college in the fall.

In exchange, we'll give you a Buick Regal,
clean, rust-free, 40K miles.

Serious enquiries only."

"Date" is in quotes.

-It's gotta be a joke, right?
-No.

Have you seen
these helicopter parents?

They'll do everything for their kids.

Surprised they're not gonna
fuck him themselves.

It does say early to mid-20s, though.

-That's okay. I can pass for that.
-Okay.

You won't rent your house out,

but now you'll rent out your vag?

The adults are talking.

Just 'cause I'm a guy,
I can't express an opinion?

-Exactly. Yeah, shut up.
-Yeah.

You have a Road Runner tattoo
covering your entire back.

Don't think you should tell anybody
what to do with their body.

What about an OnlyFans page?

What's an OnlyFans page, Jim?

That would take too long.
I need a car now.

Just surprised you're considering this.
That's all.

I've had a one-night stand before
and gotten zero Buick Regals for it.

Babe, you don't know this, but women have
all sorts of reasons for having sex.

I had sex once because I didn't want
to commute in the morning.

I've had sex once
to get out of playing Settlers of Catan.

I had sex once on a first date

-'cause I thought he was gonna kill me.
-Jesus.

-You're with me now, babe.
-She's talking about you, dumbass.

Yeah! Epic!

Waves are firing. No tourists.

-You guys are missing out.
-It's probably not even real.

It would be the fastest way to get a car.

Oh, yeah. Kid would cream his shorts
as soon as he saw you.

-Then you can just drive right home.
-Oh, my God.

-Jim.
-You want my opinion?

These people use us.
So why don't we use them?

I just know my mom would've wanted me
to save that house.

Yeah. Things are so expensive now.

Think I wanna wait tables
after teaching kids all year?

Listen to me.

If you're really in a pinch,
you can use our van.

I'll send Sara to fuck the kid instead.

-What the fuck is wrong with you?
-Jim.

Just trying to keep it light.

Think a kid wants to have sex with you
in your current condition?

-Get back into the sea.
-Just opened a beer.

Go to the sea.

-It's cold as fuck--
-Go in the ocean.

Might just keep paddling.

Maddie.

-Oh, hi.
-Hi.

Hey.

-Any trouble finding the place?
-No.

No. Found it.

Oh, well, welcome to our home.

I'm Allison and this is my husband, Laird.

Layered? Like lasagna?

Lasagna? No. Laird.

Laird. Am I saying that right?

Yeah, one syllable. Laird.

Okay.

-Just call me Laird.
-I can't.

So should I come up,
or do you wanna come down here?

-Come on.
-Yeah, come on up.

-That'd be great.
-Come on up.

I just want you to know,

we have the utmost respect
for sex workers.

I am...

not a sex worker.

-Not that there's anything wrong.
-Oh, no.

So, Maddie, tell us about yourself.

-Where you from?
-Here, actually.

Wow, a local.

I'm jealous.

You live in paradise all year long.

I meant to ask this on the phone,
but how old are you?

Well...

I know you were looking for someone
early to mid-20s.

-I'm slightly older.
-Right. How old?

I just turned 29.

-Recently?
-Last year.

-So you're 29?
-Last year.

And how old are you, like, right now?

-One more year older.
-So 30.

Yeah. 32.

I...

May I be frank?

I'm assuming that I'm here
because you haven't found anyone yet,

and the reason
you haven't found anyone yet

is because young girls are idiots.

That's not their fault. They're young.

But...

this is your son we're talking about.

What you need is someone
who looks like a peer,

but has the maturity
to be able to handle this

with the tact and sensitivity
the situation requires.

-She's good.
-Good.

Good answer.

We've just been so worried about our son.

Percy is so loving,
and he is so sensitive,

and he's extremely bright.

He's going to Princeton next year.

Oh, I've heard of it.

He's an amazing musician,
but won't play for anyone.

He's just having
a lot of trouble socially.

You know, and as a mother,

that's just been really hard to watch
these past four years.

Always on his phone,
doesn't come out of his room,

he doesn't have any friends,
he doesn't talk to girls.

Doesn't drink, doesn't go to parties,
doesn't drive.

Doesn't do anything that I did.

We can't send him to college like that.

He'd never make it.

Well, that's why
you called a professional.

Not a professional,
just a girl who needs a car.

Yeah. We didn't come by this easily.

We tried everything
to bring him out of his shell.

-We're at the end of our rope.
-I was shy when I was Percy's age.

But I dated this girl
before I went to college,

and she really opened me up sexually.

-Okay.
-Barbara.

Anyway, by the time I got to college,

I was out of my shell and thriving.

-Yes, and that's what we want for Percy.
-Is this him?

Yes.

-Wow, he's adorable.
-Isn't he?

So...

how does this work?

The honour system or...?

That, and we know his passcode.

And he's not gay?

No. We've seen his Internet history.

Yeah, the porn is graphic, but not gay.

A little gay. Large groups of people.

Not to look a gift horse in the mouth,
but does it have to be a Buick?

It's just what Dad drove.

Okay, then, why don't you date Percy
and the Buick is yours?

And don't just "date" him, you know?

Get to know him, 'cause he's a good kid.

So when you say date him,

do you mean date him or date him?

-Yes.
-Yeah, that's correct.

-Date him.
-Date him hard.

Okay.

I'll date his brains out.

So is he in his room?
Should I jump out and surprise him?

No. No, no, no. He's not here.

He can't know about this.
Nobody can know about this.

Nobody can know about this.

Also, it would devastate him,
which would defeat the purpose

of building up his confidence.

Right. Right.

He volunteers at the animal shelter
from 10 to 6.

We thought maybe you could go
and act like you wanna adopt a dog.

And I don't see this happening,

but if Percy dates somebody
the organic way...

-Got it. Better get to work.
-Yeah.

I'm drifting.
I'm drifting, I'm drifting, I'm drifting.

Hi. Can I interest you
in some unconditional love?

-Looking for something to slobber on you?
-Can he help me?

Well, he works with the dogs.
I deal with the people.

But you have a weird energy.

Don't worry, I've been neutered.

I want him.

Percy, can you help this lady?

Mind if I touch your wiener?

-What?
-Your dog.

Yeah.

How can I help you?

I wanna adopt a dog.

Oh, yeah. Sure.

Great.

-That's a cool cartoon.
-It's anime.

Yeah, animated. That's what I said.

Excuse me. I need your help.

Sorry, sorry. Okay.

What kind of dog are you looking to adopt?

I wish I could adopt them all.

Which is the most fucked up?

The most messed up is Milo.

This is Milo.

He's been here the longest.

He was a drug dog for the state police,
but they forced him into retirement

because he got addicted to C-O-C-A-I-N-E.

Cocaine?

No! Milo!

Milo. Milo.

If he hears the word, he gets triggered.

Sorry, Milo. I'm fresh out.

It's okay. It's okay.

I have to ask you questions

just to make sure
you're a suitable candidate.

We do it with everyone. It's the rules.

A little rule follower, huh?

Yeah, they're super important.

So is there, like,
an office or somewhere private?

An office.

-Come right this way.
-Great.

Maddie Barker.

I feel so far from you.

Spouse?

Currently single.

Thank God too.

You can just have more fun.
Be spontaneous.

"Unmarried."

Children?

No. God, no. Too young.

Having fun still. Meeting new people.
I love that.

"Childless."

Why do you want to adopt a dog?

Because I can't have dogs of my own.

And what do you plan to do
with the dog if you move?

I'm not moving.

Well, if you did.

I have lived here my whole life.
Not going anywhere.

Oh, sorry. I didn't mean to pry.

No. Pry.

Pry me open.

Oh, what? Already?

Okay. Sorry.

I'll have to send this application
up to my supervisor.

Come on. Gotta be more questions.

Yes, there are,
but I have to start closing up.

So yeah. You can come back
another day, though.

I might not want a dog another day.

I want a dog right now.

Well, then,
pet ownership may not be for you.

You sound a lot like the kind of person
we would normally take a dog from.

How about I give you a ride home?

And we can keep talking?

-You're on the way.
-How do you know where I live?

Your parents told me.

-What?
-It's on your school bag.

Everything under control?

Hey, Crispin, what's the company policy
about leaving early?

It's like we super can't do that, right?

Would that be, you know, frowned upon?

Oh, come on. Let's go.

Okay.

Okay.

You can finish alone, right?

Bet you do it all the time.

Thanks.

Bye.

Okay, then.

Approved.

-That's your car?
-It is for tonight.

Actually, you know what?

This sucks, but I just remembered
I rode my bike here, so...

This is what-- I'll go on this.

Well, that's okay.

I can just throw it in the back.

You can ride up front with me.

Oh, come on. I won't bite.

Unless you want me to.

Okay. But no biting.

I mean, whatever.
I've been with girls a couple times.

-Where's the rest of my seat belt?
-It's a lap belt.

Pretend you're on an airplane.
I'll be your flight attendant.

Why is the flight attendant
flying the plane?

I've killed the pilot
and taken over the plane.

You're my hostage.

-This isn't the way to my house.
-It's a shortcut.

Give me that. What are you doing?

Our generation and our phones, huh?

We're home.

Okay.

What you got down there? Something for me?

Oh, fuck!

Why?

You tried kidnapping me!

I can't kidnap you. You're 19. Grow up.

You put me in a van and took my phone.

If I were kidnapping you, would I give
my personal information first?

Why couldn't you have used
your rape whistle?

Why would I have a rape whistle?

Why do you have fucking Mace?

Sorry.

Will you get the hose, please? Please.

-It's broken.
-Is the water on?

-You have to turn the water on?
-Are you fucking with me?

-Maybe it was already on.
-The spigot.

-The spigot.
-Oh, okay.

God.

God. Fuck.

-Stop spraying me with it.
-I'm sorry.

I'm trying to help. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I didn't know
what you were trying to do.

-I just thought you were hot.
-You think I'm hot?

Yeah. I think you're super hot.

Maybe we should go on a date, then?

I'll go throw another dress on.

Oh, no, I didn't mean now.
I meant, you know, tomorrow. Like...

a real date.

Yeah, that's better.

Okay.

Tomorrow, then.

Thank you for the ride.

Bye.

Can't believe
this kid is going to Princeton.

He's dumb as shit.

He's just afraid of the world.
They all are. Grew up in bubble wrap.

My cousin, she's 20. Still lives at home.
Won't go outside without a helmet.

It might be a medical thing.

The problem is the parents. They baby him.

Anyway, I'll need the van tonight
for my big date.

-No.
-What?

No.

Gonna take me a week
to air that thing out.

Sara's pregnant.
I can't have her breathing those fumes.

Ask Fern to borrow that Claw car.

That'll drop his panties.

-Hey, Mel.
-Hi, Mel.

Hey, guys.

Did you hear about Mel?

She got herself a sugar daddy.

You could do that.

Then you wouldn't have to worry
about a car or property taxes.

No. No way I'm gonna be on call
to some rich asshole all summer.

If you see me doing that,
it means I've compromised who I am,

and you can kill me
because I've given up.

I should have this Buick by now,
but this kid is unfuckable.

Well, you look like an accountant
in the Bahamas.

It was too hot for pants.

-Hi.
-Hi.

I'm so glad we're doing this.
A date was a great idea.

Am I allowed to be here?

Oh, yeah. I know the owner. It's fine.

It's just that I'm not 21.

That doesn't matter here.

I think it's a federal law, but...

Where is the waitress?

I just hope my parents don't find out
that I'm here.

Do they come here?

No, no. They track my phone.

Wow, okay. Do they microchip you too?

There she is, the Flash.

What do you want, Maddie?

A Long Island iced tea for me, and...

-Pepsi, please.
-We only have Coke.

-Do you wanna go somewhere else?
-No, Percy.

He'll have a Long Island iced tea too.

Okay.

Thank you.

I'm really tense.

Why? Is everything okay?

Yeah, I just-- I had this really
intense dream about you last night.

Don't ask.

Of course. That's private.

Do you ever have those?

Intense dreams?

Actually, yeah.

Tell me.

You know Harley Quinn from Suicide Squad?

Okay.

I had this one dream
where I wouldn't let her adopt a dog.

So she'd locked me
in one of the dog cages

and dragged me back to her hideout.

I kicked at the cage and screamed.

And that made you come?

I did not.

How is that a sex dream?

You asked me if I have intense dreams.

You're right.
I should've been more specific.

I used to have nightmares about this song
when I was a kid.

Why?

'Cause it's about a monster.
A man-eater.

"She only comes out at night.
Watch out, boy. She'll chew you up."

I don't think
that's what the song is about.

I'll look into that.

Long Island iced tea
for America's sweetheart,

and one for the boy.

Oh, good news, by the way.

We got some new dogs in today.

So, you know, if you're still looking...

This is the worst iced tea I've ever had.

Percy, you're going to college soon.

You're gonna have to learn how to drink.

Can't go your whole life
scared of everything.

I'm not scared of everything.

Come on. Open up.

Have your medicine.

-Come on, baby bird.
-I don't like it.

-Oh, shit.
-Well, well,

look at what the tide dragged in.

Hello, Travis.

Well, I don't know if you heard, but...

That's great. Congratulations.

-Congratulations.
-Thank you. Thank you.

Turns out your little disappearing act,

that was the best thing
that ever happened to me.

Well, I'm happy I could help.

You know...

my wife, she speaks three languages.

She's hot as fuck. The sex is incredible.

We do everything together. All of it.

That's great.
Is her vagina dishwasher-safe?

No.

She's a real person.

Unlike you.

Wanna know what the best part is?

When I told her that I loved her,

she said it back to me
instead of running away.

Like a coward.

That must've been
a really exciting second date.

You better be careful of this one.

She is slippery.

Bye-bye. Bye, Travis.

-Is that your ex-boyfriend?
-More like a friend.

It felt like you didn't really like him.

-You met him. Do you like him?
-I didn't have sex with him.

Do you want to? I can call him back over.

-Hey, Travis.
-No, no, no. No.

I don't wanna do that. I just...

I don't know
why you'd have sex with someone

if you don't like them.

It was Christmas, I was lonely.
I don't know.

Why'd you disappear on him?

What's with the questions?
Can't we get drunk and have fun?

Oh, sorry. Just trying to get to know you.

-Do you wanna get out of here?
-Yes. Please.

I think I'm a little drunk.

Yeah, you've been drinking a lot.

No, I wasn't.

God, I love the beach.

I just feel so free out here. Don't you?

Yeah.

I think it's closed, though.
Oh, it's after 8, so...

We could come back during operating hours.

-We got the whole place to ourselves.
-Lots of red flags.

-Let's go swimming.
-There's no lifeguards.

Perfect. We can go skinny-dipping.

Oh, look, no swimming.

Oh, we tried.

You know, those rules are
more like just suggestions.

Come on, let's get you
out of these Daisy Dukes.

Maddie, I don't know.

I'm ugly to you. I knew it.

-I knew it.
-What?

No.

-No.
-Seems like it.

No, I...

I think you're the...

I think you're the prettiest person
I've ever seen.

Really?

Pretty where?

Pretty here?

Or pretty here?

What about sharks?

None here.

Jellyfish?

Not in season.

It's really the lack of lifeguards
that's causing an issue for me.

-Just get the fuck in here right now!
-Okay! Okay. Okay.

Come on.
I promise nothing's gonna happen.

Isn't this how Jaws started?

I'm going to trust you.

See? It's not so bad.

Fuck her!

Fuck her in the butt!

-What are they doing?
-I don't know.

Hello.

Hey, what you up to over there?

Just doing our taxes.

These yours?

Yeah, no need to fold them.

Let's take her clothes. Take her clothes.

-Take her fucking clothes.
-They're taking our clothes.

-Hey, put that back!
-Suck my balls!

I'm warning you.

Bye, sea bitch.

You said nothing bad would happen.

-We need to find an adult.
-Percy, you're an adult.

Where are you going?

Oh, dude. What the fuck?

-Gross, right?
-Dude.

It's like nasty.

-Wait, are you serious?
-We lost one.

-Fuck yeah.
-Come here, cunts.

What the fuck?

Shit.

-Stay the fuck back.
-Who wants some?

Fucking...

Come on.

Come here. Come on. Come on.

Oh, my God.

-Connor.
-What the fuck?

What about you?
You want the business?

-Take it. Take it.
-Think it's cool to steal clothes?

-You need fucking help.
-I'm calling the cops.

And stay the fuck out of Montauk!

Where were we?

-What happened over there?
-I got our clothes back.

-Did you beat up those kids?
-No.

-They apologised.
-I heard screaming.

That was the apologising.

I don't like this.
Something's really wrong with you.

They had our clothes, our phones,
our keys, our wallets.

I got them back.
What would you have done? Nothing?

-You should be thanking me.
-I was coming up with a plan.

To do what? Call your mom and dad?

Sack up, ho.

Sorry. That was mean. Let's fuck.

No?

Why not?

Because it's like you're trying to eat me.

Oh, God.

I'm not gonna have sex
with somebody that I don't know.

It's better that way. Trust me.

Not for me.

This is bullshit. I'm done.
I feel sorry for you.

Fucking waste of time.

Hey! Hey!

-Hey, give me my clothes.
-Okay.

Here, take your little booty shorts.

Where's my phone? Is it in your car?

-Nope.
-You barely even looked.

-It's not in here.
-Can you check?

-My parents need to know where I am.
-Why? Are you a child?

Give me my phone!

-Percy, get off my hood.
-Not until you give me my phone.

-I need it.
-Okay, guess we're doing this.

-Oh, yeah.
-Okay, very funny, Maddie.

-Yo!
-Now let me off.

Just give me my phone.
I just need my phone.

-I will drive to fucking Chicago.
-Just give me my phone.

Don't test me. 'Cause I'm fucking crazy.

I'm stupid. I'm dumb. I don't give a--

Fuck me.

-Oh, thank God.
-Fuck.

-Idiot.
-Oh, thank God.

Okay, pull over.
Just pull over. Just stop.

I'm on probation. I can't lose my licence.

Pull over.

-What the fuck are you doing?
-Hang on.

Sorry. Hold on.

Oh, my God!

God.

I'm not seeing any cops out there.
I think we lost them.

Are you sure? Keep looking.

I can't believe
you drove over the train tracks.

I thought we were gonna die.

You were really brave,
holding on to the hood like that.

Most guys would've fallen off.

I have pretty strong hands
from piano lessons.

We should have some music.

Yeah, yeah.

Hey, thank you for these clothes,
by the way.

I like your house a lot. It's cosy.

Bedroom's the best part.
I'll show you later.

Oh, we're wearing the same shorts.

Did you grow up dancing?

Smack it.

You want...? Me smack it?
You want me to smack it?

-Do I have your consent...?
-Yeah.

Smack it. Harder.

Hit it.

Sorry.

So how long have you lived here?

You're a little heavy on my legs.

You wanna switch?

Do you wanna go to the bedroom?

We can take it slow.

Yeah.

-Thank you.
-Are you okay?

Yeah, I wanna-- I wanna--

Yeah, I'm just a little itchy.
But let's go.

Sorry.

Does it look weird?

-No, it's fine.
-My back itches too.

-Oh, my God.
-What?

Oh, God.

This happens sometimes when I get anxious.

I know you're really horny. I'm sorry.

Fuck.

This is for board rash,
but it should do the trick.

I'm so embarrassed.

Don't be.

I once went to a Halloween party
dressed as a baby.

My crush was there,
and as we were hooking up,

we both realised
that I got diaper rash from my costume.

I was 21.

You didn't wear underwear?

Diapers are underwear.

No, they're not.
Diapers are like wearable toilets.

Well, I didn't use it.

Sure, you didn't.

There's a smile.

I don't really have a lot to smile about.

I can barely leave my room.

Well, I've lived in this house
my whole life.

Really?

I did leave once, when I was 18.

I had this custom board

of all the California beaches
I was gonna surf.

Made it all the way to New York City
before I turned back around.

Why'd you turn around?

I just realised everything I need is here.

And my mom got sick. So...

I stayed to take care of her.

Why couldn't your dad do it?

Lift up your arms.

I had to switch schools...

after I had a sleepover in ninth grade
and everybody found out

that I still slept
in my parents' room sometimes, so...

It turned into this rumour
that I slept in the same bed with them...

and then it became
that I had sex with them.

It was awful.

Probably why I spend so much time alone.

You don't have any friends?

Yeah, I have tons of friends, just online.

Having Jody in my life helped a lot too.

Who?

-Jody's my old nanny.
-Turn around.

I'm sorry
I couldn't have sex with you today.

I guess I'm just a bit of a romantic.

It's okay.

Maybe we could spend the day
together tomorrow?

Then, I promise, I'll put out.

Sounds nice.

It's just, like, swish.

What's that?

No blocking sensors!

You! You're out!

-Frisbee thing and then the smallest...
-Yeah.

Yeah. Got it, got it.

Bye!

Get a life.

There.

You can finally drink while you're at bat.

You get me. What else?

Close your eyes.

And stick out your finger.

Now you're stuck with me forever.

It's a finger trap.

Percy, get me out of this.

Stop pulling away.
Stop pulling away. Relax.

Just push in.

Do you think we would've been friends
in high school?

Yeah, I think so.

I don't know.
I feel like you were, like...

prom queen or something.

I didn't even go to prom.

What? Nobody asked you?

Everybody asked me. Teachers asked me.

I had a date, and a dress, and...

What happened?

It was a long time ago. Who cares?

I care.

Well, you asked
why my dad didn't take care of my mom

when she was sick.

It's 'cause he was in the city
with his family.

They summer here.

They had an affair.

And then I came along.

I was just a mess
that he didn't wanna deal with.

So he had his lawyers clean everything up,

gave my mom some money
and a house to make us go away.

Years later, I wrote my dad a letter

asking why he wanted nothing
to do with me.

But on the morning of prom...

I got the letter returned, unopened.

And so after that,
I didn't wanna go to prom.

I didn't wanna--
I didn't wanna do anything.

I just stayed in my room and cried.

Why didn't you reach back out to him?

'Cause fuck him. He left.
He can reach out.

What?

Can I kiss you?

It's Jody.

Who?

Jody. My nanny. Remember?

-"Meet at the lighthouse."
-Yeah.

Okay.

You sure you don't wanna
just go back to my house?

I'm still horny from that kiss.

Yes, Jody!

-Hi.
-There he is.

The tickle prince.

So this must be the famous Maddie.

And you're Jody.
You were Percy's nanny?

Mr Mary Poppins.

You guys stayed pretty close, huh?

Oh, yeah. Super close.

What'd you win there, pal?

-Is that a Frisbee?
-Oh, yeah, Maddie won it.

-Nice.
-Look at that.

-Maddie, score!
-Yeah.

Hey, Perce, go long.

I got it.

-Real motor on that little guy.
-What the fuck do you want?

-Excuse me?
-It's his parents' money, not his.

You like little kids or something?

Do I like little kids?
You're a male nanny.

What do you want from him?

Same thing as you. I wanna date him.

I have nannied for a lot
of powerful families out here.

So if you hurt him...

I'll hurt you.

What are you gonna do?
Throw a pacifier at me?

-Hey, bud.
-Hey.

It was in a prickle bush, but I got it.

That's incredible.

Okay, are you ready for your gift?

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

I'm bringing it out.

Oh, my God...

Did you find this?

Figured it would get him
into surfing early.

Wow, this is...

-It turns on.
-It does?

Why don't we see if that makes it better?

Yeah, I have batteries somewhere.

Nice.

No.

Hey, how's the Buick thing working out?

-I haven't gotten it.
-Really?

Why?

I mean, they haven't given it to you yet?

You could sue them for that, you know.

Actually, we haven't had sex yet.

He just needs more of a connection first.

I actually really like him.
We're becoming friends.

He's gonna forget about me.
He's going to college in the fall.

I don't know.

Well, it's happening tonight.
We're getting dinner.

You're going to dinner.

Okay, so you're, like,
"dating" dating, then.

Shut up.

I know what I'm doing.

Maddie.

It's me, Doug Khan.

We went to high school together.
Remember? I...

I ran varsity track?

I had that sweet cherry-red Miata?

I had sex with our Spanish teacher,
Mrs Walsh.

Doug Khan! You were on TV.

Didn't Miss Walsh go to jail?

No.

Mrs Khan did.

We got married.

But, you know...

they never run that story.

How can I help you, Doug?

Well, I'm a real estate broker now.

I don't have to tell you,
this is a fabulous neighbourhood.

I mean, an acre on this street?

Name your price, Maddie.

-It was great catching up, Doug.
-Listen, come on.

If you don't pay off your lien,
the county's gonna fire-sale your house.

You'll lose half of what it's worth.
Let me list it, you'll get full price.

So they can tear this whole thing down?
Stay off my yard, Doug.

Was this a stupid idea?

No, I love it.
We're finally going to prom.

I have something for you.

I have this.

It's from my garden.

Careful.

You look very handsome.
Should we take a picture?

I left my phone at home. On purpose.

-What?
-Yeah.

-I don't believe you.
-No, I did.

-I don't believe you.
-No! I don't have it.

I did. I did. I just wanna talk to you.

Just crack it.

The claws are still sharp!

This is so much better
than if I actually went to my prom.

Why didn't you?

I just didn't ask anybody.

Why?

I don't know. I guess...

After everything that happened at school,
I just wanted to stay invisible.

If they couldn't see me,
they couldn't make fun of me.

People should see who you are.
You're great.

Thanks.

-What?
-Play something.

No.

You said you play.
You should play something.

I'm not going to play.

If you don't play something,

I'm gonna make a toast
to the entire restaurant

about what an amazing lover you are.

Good. It's time they find out.

Stop, stop, stop.

What do you want me to play?

Doesn't matter.
Play anything. Play it for me.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck me. Fuck.

Okay. Okay.

Fuck.

She'll only come out at night

The lean and hungry type

Nothing is new
I've seen her here before

Watching and waiting

Oh, she's sitting with you
But her eyes are on the door

So many have paid to see

What you think you're getting for free

The woman is wild

A she-cat tamed by the purr of a Jaguar

Money's the matter

If you're in it for love

You ain't gonna get too far

Oh, here she comes

Watch out, boy, she'll chew you up

Oh, here she comes

She's a maneater

I wouldn't if I were you

I know what she can do

She's deadly, man
She could really rip your world apart

Mind over matter

Oh, the beauty is there
But a beast is in the heart

Oh, here she comes

Watch out, boy, she'll chew you up

Oh, here she comes

She's a maneater

Yes!

What the fuck?

That was unbelievable.

How did you even know that song?

We talked about "Maneater,"
so I went home and learned it.

What are you?

Percy.

-Natalie. Oh, my God. That's so funny.
-Hi. That was amazing.

Oh, my God.
Dude, I haven't seen you in so long.

My parents said
that you're going to Princeton.

-Yeah.
-I am too.

-Oh, my God, that's so great!
-How funny is that? I know!

That's amazing.

Maddie, this is Maddie.

Maddie. So nice to meet you.
Are you friends with his parents too?

No.

-So are you excited?
-Yes! So excited.

Except it's wild, I look at all, like,
the freshman girls at my high school...

and I don't know.
I just feel so old. You know?

-Yeah.
-Yeah. So good to see you.

I don't know what you're doing later,
but there's this party that I'm going to.

There's gonna be a bunch
of Princeton people there.

We have plans, but thank you so much.

Oh, dang. I can send you the address.

He didn't bring his phone. So...

-Oh, I can give you the address.
-No need.

-Can't hurt.
-Might hurt.

-31 Amagansett Road.
-It was so nice to meet you.

Oh, my God. Next year is
gonna be so fun. I can't wait.

-That's so exciting. Yeah.
-Okay. So nice to run into you.

-So nice to meet you, ma'am.
-Bye. Have a good night.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-Bye.

So funny.

Don't remember ordering
a phoney bitch for dessert.

Natalie's, like, super nice.

Well, anyway. I can't believe
you can do that, but you can't drive.

Yeah, actually, so I've been thinking
about getting my licence.

-That's great.
-Yeah? Good.

You know, 'cause Princeton's
like five hours away by train,

but if I have a car, then I can--

It'll be a lot easier for me
to come back here on the weekends.

Well, you're gonna--

You're gonna wanna spend
the weekends in school.

Yeah, you're probably right.

You can always come visit me.

Well, I don't have a car.

Oh, you could take the train.
It's only five hours.

Yeah.

I just don't really--
I don't do long distance.

You know,
I hear Montauk is the best in the fall.

All the summer people are gone. So...

It's a lot of travel.

I don't know what you want.

Just wanna have fun tonight
and not talk about all this stuff.

I'd like to leave, please.

Are you serious?

Yes.

It's my prom too.

Fuck.

-I'm just trying to be realistic.
-Yeah.

Me too.

You're drinking now?

Yeah. I love vermouth.

I'm going to college soon.
I need to know how to drink, right?

Where are we going?

It's a shortcut.

The Princeton party?

You said I needed to hang out
with people my own age, right?

Well, I didn't mean tonight.

Then don't come.

Party!

Do you guys know Percy?

Do you know Percy?

Yo, yo, what's going on, you guys?
It's your boy, Cameron B.

We are kicking the summer off right
at a sick house party in Montauk.

Now me. Yo, what's up?
It's me, Trash Gucci.

If you or someone you know
is being bullied,

never be afraid to speak up.

-Bullying is not a--
-Excuse me, ma'am.

Can you not do that
while we're recording? Thank you.

Just getting a beer, Frosted.

Did she just call me Frosted?

That, my friends,
is what we call a bully, huh?

Oh, no, not a phone.
Someone help, I'm being filmed.

Have you seen Percy?

Oh, yo, mami. How old are you?

Twenty-three.

Damn, you old as fuck.

-No disrespect. He loves cougars.
-I fuck with the big cats.

Why don't you two big cats
fuck each other, then?

-Is that an insult?
-Shut the front door.

It sure is, professor.

Why is us having sex
with each other an insult? I'm confused.

-Say what you just said. Say that again.
-No, I didn't mean it in a homophobic way.

How'd you mean it, then?

It was a joke. I'm not--
I've been with girls.

I'm not homophobic.

Where the fuck did you come from?
Stop filming me. No comment.

Whose mom is that?

Have you seen Percy?

Oh, my God.

Was that funny?

He's with Natalie upstairs.

Hey!

Move! Coming through.

-Percy?
-Yeah?

Wait, your name's Percy?

Yeah.

Percy?

Sorry. Continue.

Percy?

Doesn't anyone fuck anymore?

Percy?

Percy?

Open this door!

Percy!

Percy, open this door.
This is your last chance.

-Did you fuck him?
-Oh, my God.

Did you fuck him?

Calm down. Please, nothing happened.

The room is spinning.

You're drunk already?

No, he took something.
I don't know. I think it was a pill.

Percy? Did you take something?
Percy, did you take a pill?

Come...

Stick your fingers down your throat.
Make yourself throw up.

-I don't wanna.
-Deeper, deeper.

No.

Let me do it!

Do you feel better?

Not even at all.

I didn't know
you couldn't drink on Ibuprofen.

That's what you took?

-Found her.
-Okay, who told the joke?

Your fucking parents are here?

You think our son would have
a party without our consent?

That's it. Come on. You don't belong here.

I don't belong here?
I've fucking lived here my whole life!

You don't belong here.

You don't belong
at a high-school party, miss.

Oh, well, yeah-- We're leaving.

-Let me get--
-Stay away from her.

Stay back. Okay?

-I said, let go of her--
-Stay back!

-Get out of here. Come on.
-Don't touch me! Percy--

Oh, shi-- Oh, fuck! Oh, sh-- Maddie.

Fuck!

We should go.

I just want you to know
I would never hurt you.

I know.

I'm ready for you.

Are you sure?

Yes.

Okay.

I...

I don't know.
Where's the perforation?

Let me help you.

I love you.

Percy, you're drunk.

A little.

Is that all right?
I mean, I still love you.

I don't think we should do this
when you're drunk.

Not for your first time.

Okay.

I think we should wait.

If that's what you want.

That's what I want.

Well, look what the cat dragged in.

-Fun night?
-Yeah, yeah, really fun.

That's good.

Hey, I'll drive you to work. We can chat.

Actually,
would it be all right if I drive?

I'm thinking about getting my licence,
so, you know, I could use the practice.

My son, the licenced driver?

Yeah, it'll just...
You know, if I have a car,

it'll be easier to see my girlfriend.

Your girlfriend?

Yeah. Her name is Maddie.

She's on the older side.
But she's really, really fun.

-Fun's important.
-Yeah.

She doesn't really wanna do long-distance,
so I'm not gonna go to Princeton.

What?

Just, you know, Maddie's here.

Just makes sense for us.

You're going to Princeton.

I'm not.

-I'm 19.
-Okay.

I'm an adult now.

I can make my own decisions.
And I'm going to stay here, okay?

Sweetie, why don't you go wait in the car?
And Daddy will be right out.

What the fuck was that?

Just relax, okay?

You drive for a living.
Let me take this one.

She's angling for the Tesla.
Call her right now. I'm gonna yell at her.

-You're gonna yell at her?
-Yeah.

You're gonna yell at the one person
who can convince him to go to college?

-You're right. You're right.
-I know.

You think that they...? That...?

Call her. Call her now.

Hi.

I was gonna call you.

Listen, I don't think I can do this.

Percy has gotten way too attached.

You can have the car.

Really?

Even though we didn't...?

You got him out of his shell,
and that's all we wanted.

But now he's got this idea
that he wants to stay in Montauk,

and you need to convince him
that he has to go to college.

Yeah.

Great. Great.
I'll sign over the title today.

So if I can convince him
to go to Princeton, I get the car?

I don't have to have sex with him anymore?

-Hello? Maddie? Hello?
-Maddie?

Hello?

Can I try some wine?

-Yeah.
-Sure.

I think that's okay.

Okay. That's good.

Easy there.

Sweetie, please.

-You wanna savour it. Savour it.
-Yeah.

Did I double-book?

Aren't you guys gonna
ask Maddie about herself?

Oh, Maddie, where are you--?
Where are you from?

Here, actually. I'm from here.

Yeah, in fact, she's never--
You've never left, right?

It's so beautiful here, I don't blame you.

This chicken is delicious.

Oh, thank you.

-Mom, you didn't make it. Inez did.
-Percy.

Well, the important thing is
that it's delicious.

I think the important thing is the truth.

And I haven't been
entirely truthful with you all.

I didn't get the dates wrong.

I just wanted to introduce you to them,

but I didn't know how to explain
how old you are.

Well, I'm not that old.

I actually know someone

who married
our high school Spanish teacher.

Forty-year age difference.

Forty years?
And that's how old you are, right?

No.

You guys aren't gonna ask us how we met?

How'd you meet?

Do you wanna tell them?
No, I'll tell them. This is so us.

It's actually really random.
Maddie came in to adopt a dog.

Yeah, but I rejected her application
because she was totally unqualified.

But we still hit it off.

I mean, the first day we met,
I had to Mace her,

she was so fucking horny.

Percy. Percy, be a gentleman.

I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

We actually have a lot in common.
In four years, we'll both be seniors.

Oh, I'm so-- Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.

I have to get this,
but keep getting to know each other,

you know, chat.

My favourite people.

-Did you tell him?
-No.

I brought tools.

We need to move fast.
We're in the middle of dinner.

-What are you having?
-Roasted chicken and salad.

I fucking love salad.

She's gonna hate not having hubcaps.

It's very simple.

She broke your heart, you break the car,
since that's all she cares about.

She was just like
every other thing in my life:

Planned by my parents.

Fuck! It's not doing anything.

Goddamn American-built.

-Yeah. Yeah! Okay.
-Yeah.

That'll teach her.

-Oh, God.
-Hey, there he is.

Everything all right?

Hey.

How we doing?

Where were you?

You okay? I--

Percy, your parents are downstairs.

I really don't think they mind.

-Well, can we just talk? God!
-Stop. What's--? My wrist.

What's going on?

I'm just a little confused.

Because I--

Because I thought you wanted
to have sex with me.

So...

If there's something I don't know,
just tell me.

No.

No?

No.

I want to. Let's do it.

Let's have sex.

This is what you want?
This will make you happy?

Yeah. Yep.

Great.

What--? What do I do?

Get on top.

-Okay. Yes.
-Okay. And now...

Okay, I'll help you.

Percy, you're not...

-And then I'll help you--
-Oh, fuck!

Did you come too?

No.

That was my thighs.

Just gonna...

By the way, your car is in the forest,
crushed by a tree.

What?

I had some kind of stupid idea
that you actually liked me.

Percy.

Was any of it real?

Yes.

It is real. I've told you things
I've never told anybody.

I was just trying to save my house.
It wasn't personal.

It felt personal to me.

-Percy, I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry.
-You should go, I think.

The truth is,
one day I'll live in Paris or something,

and I'll come back to visit Montauk
and you'll still be here.

How much money do your parents have?

Why don't you go ask them?
I know you guys are close.

But you're rich, right?
You never have to worry about money.

So my life is amazing, right?
I have no problems.

I'm gonna lose my house.

And I don't have a rich dad
that can help me.

Actually, Maddie, you do.

And you're gonna waste
your life in that house

waiting for him to come back
and apologise.

Because that's really why
you never made it past New York, right?

What? Gary, no.

No, no, no.

This is not my car.

Well, your name's on the title.
It's your car.

What am I supposed to do
with a car that doesn't run?

Who says it doesn't run?

These things are built to last.

Unlike us.

What?

I didn't say anything.

What the fuck, you guys?

Percy, language.

You don't get to tell me
what to do anymore. I'm the parents now.

What other stuff have you been
doing for me I don't know about?

That time I beat you in basketball,
did you let me win?

No. You beat me fair and square.

What about Kyle McElroy?

Kyle McElroy.

The kid who bullied me.
Did you have him expelled?

No. I was told it was a dream of his
to go to military school.

Okay. Whatever this is, it's done.

You can't track me anymore.
I'm changing my phone passcode.

To what?

Okay, this is exactly
what I'm talking about.

I know you're trying to help me,
but you're not.

You have to let me fail
or succeed on my own.

Understood?

Okay, you can go.

Okay.

-Stop! Leave it.
-Yeah.

Kelly?

I have your picture.

Get in.

-I'm not getting in that car.
-Get in.

Finish him!

Fatality.

To Maddie. You figured it out.

Yeah. I mean,
that car's a little banged up.

Whatever, the summer's over.
We got our town back.

And we can still have Thanksgiving
at my place.

-Yeah.
-What?

Okay. Fine, I'll do it.

Here it goes.

Sara has something to tell you.

Thank you, Jim.

-We're gonna move to Florida, I think.
-What?

I know, I know,
we wouldn't if we didn't have to.

You know that.
I don't wanna move to Florida.

We just can't afford
to buy our own place here.

And we can't keep staying
with Jim's parents when the baby comes.

-They only have one bathroom.
-Can't believe this.

We're really out of options. I'm sorry.

-Yeah. We wanna stay.
-Don't be mad.

I'm not mad. I just...
I can't believe you're leaving.

Well, I can't believe you're staying.

What does that mean?

You know what, I just--
My buddy's in the bathroom.

I just mean that... I don't know.

How long are you gonna keep doing this?

Having sex for Buicks?
This is probably it.

That wasn't what I meant.

I did what I needed to do
to save my mom's house, okay?

Yeah. You keep saying that,
but your mom wanted you to be happy.

You don't seem happy.

-I am happy.
-Are you?

I like my life here.

All right.

I should tell you I go back
to the city tomorrow morning.

Oh, tomorrow?
Can't you go any sooner?

You're funny.

What is this? A finger trap?
I used to love these things.

You okay?

So do you live in the city?

Have you been out here
for the whole summer or...?

What is this, a questionnaire?

I was trying to get to know you.

I'm sorry.

I have an idea.

Close your eyes for me?

Come on, close them. Give me your finger.

Forward.

Up.

Okay, open your eyes.

Oh, what the fuck?

That's disgusting.

-Stop pulling on it!
-This was a gift from a friend.

Don't pull it, don't pull it, don't--

You have to push in to get out.

I'm trying.

That was kind of weird, huh?

Anyways.

I live in Battery Park.

Get out.

Yeah.

Here you go.

Doug Khan Realty.

Doug. It's Maddie. I wanna sell.

Great!

Don't get too excited. There's a catch.

Hey, is he here?

No.

Well, he won't return my calls or texts.
Will you tell him I came in?

Absolutely fucking not.

Really?

Yeah. You fucked up. He's a special guy.

Cocaine!

All right.

Let's hear it.

"My name is Jody and I'm a registered..."

Remember when I said
I've made some powerful friends nannying?

That includes
the Suffolk County tax assessor.

And they're gonna make
your property taxes go up.

Way up.

I sold the house.

Sorry, can I actually use your bathroom?
It's number two, so...

Okay.

It's Maddie.

Can I talk to him?

He's not home.

He'll be at the Princeton mixer later.

Okay. Thanks.

And there are several eating clubs
to choose from,

if you make it to junior year.

I can't wait to be eaten at Princeton.

-What?
-I've tried calling you.

You can't just ignore me.

Leave me alone.

Percy, don't shut me out.

-I don't owe you anything.
-Stop.

Percy.

I don't owe you anything.
I don't owe you anything.

Well, I owe you something.

Our friendship is real.

You made me realise
I needed to push in to get out.

I was hurt. So I hurt people.

Percy. Percy.

Percy, unlock the door.
Come on, open the door.

Please, let's talk.

What are you doing?

Get off the hood.
I don't want anything to do with you.

I'm not getting off until you talk to me.

Then I guess we're doing this.

Hey, okay. Easy. Easy. Fuck.

This is scary.
I can't believe you did this.

Then get off!

No! Not until you believe me
that I care about you.

You lied to me
just so you could get a fucking car.

-You don't give a shit about me.
-Yes, I do.

Pull over! Let's talk!

Get off the hood of my car!

Make me!

-Had enough?
-No!

Oh, my God!

-I can't see! You're blocking me!
-Oh, my God! Percy!

Fire!

Oh, shit.

Oh, my God.

Oh, shit.

Maddie?

Maddie!

Maddie!

It's okay.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I just got my licence
and I've already ruined two cars.

The Buick's not ruined. I fixed it up.

It just needed a little love.

My grandfather shot himself in that Buick.

I'm kidding.

You little shit.

You're lucky I came back for you.

Where would you be without me?

I'd definitely still be a virgin.

You're still a virgin, hotshot.

No, that counts, actually.

Well, you can tell your friends in college
whatever you want.

If I make any friends.

What do you mean? We're friends.

I think we're probably gonna
come back out for Thanksgiving.

I won't be here.

I sold the house.
I'm moving to California.

You're gonna be okay.

What are you, some kind of wise Buddha?

I'm older than you. You're gonna be okay.

We're both gonna be okay.

Maddie?

Yeah?

It still counts.

Am I being executed? Is that the surprise?

No peeking!

Yeah, no. This is good news.

You're not blindfolding me
to tell me you're having an affair?

All right.

-What am I looking at?
-The house.

The house.

Instead of selling it
to some rich asshole,

I decided to sell it to you guys.

Yeah, a regular asshole.

Who had to sell one of the boats.

Maddie, we can't.

No, we can.
And she could've gotten more for it.

I got enough.

This is how we stay.
This is what we wanted.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, wait.

Oh, right, the thing you made.

-There it is.
-Should we put it up?

We will do that.
We're gonna do it as soon as you leave.

Well, I guess this is it.

-Call us as soon as you get there, okay?
-Or don't. Totally fine either way.

Yeah. We're cool.

-Are you guys gonna be okay?
-Yeah. Yeah.

Empty nesters. Finally.

Yeah, come on. Get out of here, you.

I love you guys.

-And we love you so much.
-Love you too, huh?

Please don't follow me out.

-No.
-Okay.

Okay.

-Sure you don't want help with the bags?
-No, I got it.

Well, let him do it.

Yeah.

Honey.

Yeah, that's it.

-That's worth it.
-Yeah!

Okay.

-All right. All right, guys. See you.
-Bye, sweetie.

Okay.

-Nice! All right.
-Yeah.

-I'll see you guys for Thanksgiving.
-Yeah.

Okay.

Wrong way.

-Bye!
-Bye, sweetheart.

Your Uber's here.

I requested no conversation.

Oh, we're talking, buddy.
All the way to Princeton.

Then I'm gonna call you
for my whole drive to California.

Tell you about my new boyfriend.

New boyfriend?

He's a former cop.

Okay.

He's had some drug addiction in the past.

Do you want to meet him?

No.

Well, he really wants to meet you.
Come on!

Milo! Hey! Hey.

You ready to leave?

Yeah.

Are you?

Yeah.