No Chance (2020) - full transcript
When a group of international criminals from his past kidnap his daughter, the world's greatest commando sets out for revenge in this action-packed parody of everything you loved about the 80's.
(ominous music)
(bullets clanking)
- [Narrator] Mi
papi always said,
all empires are created
of blood and fire.
His empire was our
country of Val Verde.
(gentle music)
It was a beautiful
and peaceful place
while my father ruled
it with a firm hand.
But the Americano
government called him
a dictator, and the Yankee
cowards started a war
to overthrow my father.
Our soldiers fought like lions,
but there was one man
we could not defeat.
Mi papi was exiled, but
he had a mighty heart,
and (speaks in
foreign language).
He rallied his army,
he rebuilt his power,
and he planned to retake Val
Verde using the very same man
who overthrew him.
- Your friend, Colonel Mantrixx,
won't like this mission.
Will he give us any trouble?
- He doesn't have to like it.
As long as I've
got his daughter,
he's got to bend
over and take it.
(phone rings)
- Si.
Colonel Mantrixx was
not on the plane.
Kill her.
(dramatic music)
(gun firing)
(yelling)
(bullets clanging)
- Welcome back, John, so
glad you could make it.
(explosion booms)
- Felipe we must hide!
(speaks in foreign language)
(gun firing)
- Cheni!
Cheni!
(gun firing)
(yelling)
(glass shattering)
- Daddy?
- [Narrator] I saw
mi papi die that day.
And I swore I would
have my revenge.
(upbeat music)
- Leave anyone alive?
- Just the mariachis.
(speaking in foreign language)
- John, I'd like you to start
up your old squad again.
- This was the
last time, General.
- What are you gonna
do with yourself?
Be a cop?
A construction worker?
You are the last action hero.
John, what do you say?
- No chance.
(playful music)
- They drew first blood.
- That's finger paint, dumbass.
Here's your mail.
- Yippe-kay-AY, Mr. Falcon.
- [Orderly] Mail call.
(ominous music)
- You are one
weird motherfucker.
Leave me alone!
- [Orderly] Somebody loves ya.
- I love you, Dad.
Dear Daddy.
- [Cheni] I'm sorry it's been
so long since I've written,
but sometimes it's hard
to put things into words.
First of all, I wanted
to thank you for being
such a great dad.
You taught me about nature,
you taught me how to
have good table manners,
Daddy I'll never forget
about the fun times
we had together.
You taught me how to be
a confident young lady.
You were the total
Daddy package.
You were so much
fun to grow up with.
- Yes!
- [Cheni] And once
those bad men took me,
you did things for me that
most dads never could.
- If you want your kid back,
you gotta cooperate, right?
- Wrong.
(gun firing)
- [Cheni] After you rescued me,
I'll never forget
that you turned down
the military to stay with me.
And after what happened,
I can understand
why you were so protective.
But when I started dating,
you took things way too far.
- Cheni, no!
(gasping)
- Daddy!
After you wiped out
my after prom party,
I guess everyone realized
that you just cared too much.
- Under the provisions
of the Rambo Act,
I am taking this homicidal
former war hero into
military custody
for psychiatric rehabilitation.
- No!
Dad!
The General told me they took
you to a really nice place,
and in the last few years
you've made great progress.
Well, Daddy, I'm
making progress, too.
I'm getting married!
- Married?
- [Cheni] I know this is
a little bit of a shock,
but please Daddy try
to be happy for me.
Love, Cheni.
- Cheni!
No!
(yelling)
- Time to get these guys
doped up and locked up.
- Cheni.
No Cheni.
(ominous music)
Cheni!
Cheni, where are you?
Daddy's coming!
- Daddy?
- No, not daddy.
(gun firing)
(yelling)
- Barrett!
Let the girl go, it's
me that you want!
- I don't need the girl, John.
I don't need the girl!
- Come on, Barrett.
Throw away that chickenshit gun.
Put a knife in me!
And look me in the eye and see
what's going on in
there when you turn it.
Let's party.
- I don't need the gun, John.
I can beat you.
I don't need no gun!
I'm gonna kill you now!
(screams)
(grunting)
- You're getting old, John.
- Bullshit!
(grunting)
- I'm not gonna shoot you
between the eyes, John,
I'm gonna shoot you
between the balls!
(grunting)
(grunting)
- Let off some steam, Barrett.
(grunting)
- Looks like you
got it in your head
to be a real troublemaker.
But we got a solution
for troublemakers.
I don't know why that
letter got you so riled up,
but a big enough
dose of the juice
will make a guy forget
just about anything.
Right?
You'll be a quiet little
boy from now on, right?
- Wrong.
(grunting)
(siren blaring)
(grunting)
(groaning)
(grunting)
- What the hell?
Look who's crazy now!
(toilet flushes)
(pensive music)
(beeping)
Married on Sunday?
No chance.
(grunting)
(dramatic music)
You always show up right
after the dirty work.
How did you know
where to find me?
- I've been assigned to
this place for years.
- But why were you there?
Wait, why was I there?
- That place is a
dumping ground, John.
Where the government puts men
who are too dangerous to
leave out in the open.
Your last assignment was to stay
there for the rest
of your natural life.
I'm sorry, John.
It breaks my heart to
see it end like this.
Whole damn thing reminds
me of El Salvador.
You remember El Salvador, John?
- Yeah, I remember El Salvador.
I remember it went
something like, this.
(grunting)
- We still got the
moves, eh, John?
- What's this we bullshit?
Yours is barely unconscience.
(grunting)
- Now you've got to
get out of here, John.
Find a nice, quiet place and
start a new life for yourself.
- I can't do that, General.
They've got Cheni,
I've go to save her!
- Are you feeling okay, John?
That was a long time ago.
- I know that she's grown up.
But they have her again.
The letter she sent
me, the picture,
it doesn't make any sense.
I know that she's in danger!
Will you help me?
- I believe you,
John, but I'm sorry.
I'm barely active duty anymore.
But I think I
still can help you.
Here's some gear
to get you started.
And this is the shadiest
nightclub in town.
It's called Huntin' Slash.
It's run by a guy named Sullee,
and it's a down and dirty place.
- Sullee?
I knew a Sullee.
Sullee?
Remember when I told you I
was going to kill you last?
- That's right,
Mantrixx, you did!
- I lied.
(screams)
- If there's any
criminal connection
to the people who
took your Cheni,
it's not a bad place
to start digging.
- I'll check it out, General.
- And in case things get rough.
Welcome back, John.
You and I are the
last of a dying breed,
so don't go getting yourself
killed ahead of schedule.
(pistol racking)
- No chance.
(dramatic music)
- John, one more thing.
It'll look better if.
- Sure, General.
I'm sorry about this.
(grunting)
(upbeat music)
- Hey, baby?
You know, a pretty
little thing like you
shouldn't have to
buy her own drinks.
You know, I always dreamed
I'd meet a girl like you.
- Funny, I had the same dream.
(chuckling)
- Oh Wait, I forgot.
It was a nightmare.
- Oh, you're breakin' my heart.
Okay, you know what, I can
see where I'm not wanted.
Hey, Tony, get this
pretty little thing
a special on the house.
Show her there are
no, hard feelings.
Cheers.
(dramatic music)
- Sir, the shipment
is almost complete.
We just got a call
from The Generalissimo.
He wants to know--
- Can't you see I'm busy?
Shouldn't you be
stalking somebody?
Hey, I'm tryin'
to get laid here.
- Is there a back
room to this place?
Can you show me?
- You see?
I'm busy.
Back room?
It'd be my pleasure.
- Thanks.
- Sullee, you bastard.
(beeping)
Locked and loaded.
(ominous music)
(upbeat music)
(ominous music)
- Everything all
right here, pal?
We don't get a lot of
briefcases in this place.
- I just came in
for a quick drink.
My boss is a real
pain in the ass,
if you know what I mean.
- What's in the box.
- All right, it's just my work,
it's a real pain in the heart!
(grunting)
- Another satisfied customer.
- [Both] You son of a bitch!
(grunting)
(gun firing)
- Get him!
Security!
(gun firing)
(grunting)
- That guy is one
tough motherfucker!
(grunting)
- I'm gonna kick your ass!
(grunting)
- Magic Eight Ball says,
don't count on it!
(dramatic music)
(tires squeal)
- Mantrixx is alive!
(tires squealing)
Don't tell me to calm down!
That asshole dropped
me off a cliff,
now he's back to finish the job!
- [John] I know where
you're going, Sullee.
You're mine now!
- I'm coming to you!
I'm coming to you now!
- Hey, you ever cut
butter with a warm knife?
- Si.
It's like slitting a
young girl's throat.
(grunting)
(groaning)
- I can't believe
you're not butter.
(whistling)
(grunting)
(pensive music)
(dramatic music)
(pensive music)
(guns cocking)
Cheni!
(dramatic music)
- Daddy.
You made it.
- Thank God you're alive!
What the hell are
you doing here?
We've got to get out of here!
- You're right, Dad.
We do need to get out of here.
But first, there's
someone you need to meet.
- But who?
- What is this?
- Don't worry, Daddy, your
friend will explain everything.
- Friend?
What friend?
- Your oldest friend.
Welcome back, John, so
glad you could make it.
- Barrett, you
bastard, it is you!
But how the hell are you alive?
- Oh you mean my
little souvenir?
Turns out, you missed
every vital organ, John.
(dramatic music)
Where you going, John?
I'm not through with you yet.
I'll be back, John.
I'll be back!
Ow!
The steam cauterized the wound,
and I'm feeling good as new.
I bet I'm feeling better
than you are, old man.
Naughty boy, John,
can't go shooting guns in here.
You might hit your daughter.
Get his weapons.
- Chaining me up isn't
like you, Barrett.
Come on, don't you
want a rematch?
Finally stick me with
that big knife of yours?
- Oh, I'll stick
it in you, John.
But first.
- First, Colonel Mantrixx,
we have a little job for you.
(dramatic music)
John, John, John, John.
John Mantrixx.
My name is Generalissimo
Felipe Ares.
And you killed mi papi.
- You're Ares' son?
- Yes!
I am his son and I
am his successor too.
Mr. Barrett, it's time
to begin phase two
of (speaks in foreign language)
See to it.
- My pleasure.
Darling?
- Barrett!
Let my daughter go!
- Oh, she's much
happier with me, John.
Toodle-oo!
(chuckling)
- I am really gonna enjoy this.
- No thanks to you,
the people of Val
Verde have grown soft.
They have been corrupted
by their little democracy!
But I will finish
mi papi's plan,
and you will help me.
- Never fear, Herr General.
Our friend the Colonel
is quite the feisty one.
But we are in luck.
We have just the thing for that.
(chuckling)
- So, once he's drugged,
can I hit him?
- Ey, quiet, you fool!
Don't be a stupido, okay?
Hey, when he's
drugged, can I hit him?
- No!
The Colonel is not a toy!
And I am not here so
that you can play games!
Now, Colonel, this will hurt.
- You're damn right.
(explosion booms)
(grunting)
- I need him alive.
I go get the troops, get him!
Go get him!
(dramatic music)
(grunting)
- Never bring a toothpick
to a pipe fight.
(guns cocking)
(gun firing)
- Attention!
Attention!
The Colonel John
Mantrixx is escaping!
(speaks in foreign language)
(engine roars)
(speaks in foreign language)
(dramatic music)
(gun firing)
(yelling)
(gun firing)
(yelling)
(guns firing)
(explosion booms)
(grunting)
(yelling)
- Watch your back, ho!
(guns firing)
(explosion booms)
(gun firing)
(explosion booms)
(yelling)
(gun firing)
(dramatic music)
(yelling)
(explosion booming)
(grunting)
(gun firing)
(gun firing)
(explosion booms)
(gun firing)
(gun firing)
(explosion booms)
(explosion booms)
- We're under attack!
The government's found us!
- That's not the government.
That's--
- Mantrixx!
He's escaped!
- Let's go.
(dramatic music)
(gun firing)
(gun firing)
(grunting)
(grunting)
(yelling)
(grunting)
(yelling)
(yelling)
(speaks in foreign language)
(grunting)
(grunting)
(grunting)
(engines revving)
(grunting)
(gentle music)
- (groans) Barrett?
- When you kicked me
out of your unit, John,
I swore I'd have payback.
You know what today is?
Payback, day.
(gun firing)
(yelling)
(grunting)
(pensive music)
(gun firing)
(tires squealing)
(grunting)
(dramatic music)
- They're all right.
- "All right?"
You want weapons with
no questions asked,
they're the best money can buy.
But there's one question
you'd better answer,
when do I get paid?
- Ms. Maelstrom, that's
not my department.
You'll have to take it up with.
- El Generalissimo is not happy!
- Well there he is now.
- I have just heard that the
Colonel Mantrixx has escaped!
Many soldiers of Val Verde
have died, for nothing!
All because of you!
- Hey, fuck you!
The guy showed up out
of nowhere at my bar,
what was I suppsed to
do, knife fight him?
Look what happens
when you do that!
And don't bitch
about a few guys,
I've been spreading
the doc's magic formula
around all the dives I own.
Thanks to me, you have
thousands of recruits.
- Yes, but will they be ready?
- They're almost as good
as your regular soldiers,
which is to say they're shit.
But I've trained them
which end of a gun to hold.
All they need to do is
follow simple orders.
Once Mantrixx assassinates
the president,
the whole country
will be in chaos.
- My Dad's not an assassin.
- Oh, shit!
- But he will
smash your face in.
(grunting)
- It looks like someone
neglected to keep up her dosage.
- So sorry it slipped
my mind that your magic
mad scientist formula
needs booster shots.
- She is strong willed!
The formula is made
for average people.
If it were potent enough
to tame her permanently,
it would kill the sheep
that you're training.
(speaks in foreign language)
There!
Good as new.
Mr. Sullee, please escort
her to her quarters.
- Her quarters, not yours.
I won't have her spoiled
before her special day.
- Yeah, don't worry,
she's not my type.
Man hands.
No offense.
- Handing out weapons to
civilians is stupid enough.
Arming John Mantrixx's daughter?
Brain-dead.
But that's your business.
My business, is business,
and you'll be handing
out slingshots
if I don't get paid for
my last two shipments.
- Maelstrom, (speaks
in foreign language)
take it easy, okay?
When I control Val
Verde I will give you
20 million Felipes, hey?
And a very grateful Presidente.
(grunting)
- You will express
your gratitude in gold,
just like we agreed.
When John Mantrixx wrecks
this little clown show,
I'm not gonna be the one
left holding the bag.
- We've got a plan for Mantrixx.
- You had a plan
for getting dressed
this morning, too.
Look how that turned out.
- Mantrixx does pose a problem,
but you have a reputation for
problem solving, do you not?
A woman of your
considerable talents
should be able to
deliver Mantrixx to us
for say, an extra 30%?
In acceptable
currency, of course.
- I don't know, I've
got some boys who know
their business, but
Mantrixx is the best.
- Yes, yes, of the best, surely.
But what if I were able to offer
you the services of...
(whispers)
- You know him?
- Yes.
He would be happy to help,
Colonel Mantrixx is not
a hero to everybody.
- You son of a bitch!
Where is my sister?
Sandy went missing
two weeks ago,
and the last place anybody
saw her was Hunting...
That disgusting bar.
I was checking the
place out when I saw you
and that pervy guy
tear out of there.
I followed you to the
compound and then I saw
all hell break loose.
I think Sandy
stumbled on something,
and I think you
know what that is.
So I'm gonna ask
you one more time,
where is my sister?
(grunting)
- I'm not the bad guy.
- Then what were
you doing there?
- Terminating assholes.
I'm looking for someone.
My daughter, Cheni.
- She's pretty.
And, she has really
shitty taste in men.
How'd she end up with
creepy mustache guy?
- His name is Barrett.
When she was little, he and
Sullee, the bar pervert,
took her to get me to do
a job, but I saved her.
I hadn't seen her in 10 years,
when she sent me this I
broke out to find her.
- Wait, you broke out?
Were you, in prison?
- No, just a mental institution.
There's something
wrong with Cheni!
These men tried to kill her.
She wouldn't be with them
unless there was something
wrong with her mind.
- Does that run in the family?
- Now come on, listen.
When I was in the hangar,
one of them had this.
They said it would
make me cooperate.
It must be some kind
of mind control!
- There are some
chemical compounds
that have been known to make
people prone to suggestion.
When I was talking to
the police about Sandy,
they said a lot of people
have been disappearing.
If they've been drugging people,
We need to get this to my lab.
I should be able to analyze it.
- Are you a doctor?
- What, you were expecting
a flight attendant?
I'm Dr. Dawn Bergman,
I'm a biochemist.
- John Mantrixx, commando.
- Pleased to meet you, John.
Now let's get going,
the sooner we figure out
what this is, the sooner we
can save Sandy and Jenny.
- Cheni.
(grunting)
(gentle music)
- Dr. Mengel has a
question for you.
Do you remember, Afghanistan?
- Da.
I remember Afghanistan.
(jet engine roars)
(upbeat music)
* One, two, three, four
- You look like, John Travolta!
(speaks in foreign language)
(upbeat dance music)
(laughing)
(singing in foreign language)
(group cheers)
(laughing)
(speaking in foreign language)
- Yakov!
- Orders?
- Da.
Moscow wants words with
our American friend.
We are to take him by convoy
to Jalalabad Airfield.
- Simple.
- Not so simple,
we have no escort.
All available armor is tied up
by heavy mujahedin activity.
- So convoy is one truck?
- Not to worry, comrade,
intelligence says
mujahedin activity
will be light.
- Intelligence.
(upbeat music)
- What the fuck?
- Attention!
At ease, soldiers.
Last night, we had a chopper
get shot down over Afghanistan.
It was carrying a U.S.
Intelligence asset.
- These CIA guys, do
they always travel
on the wrong side of the border?
They wouldn't be handing
Stinger missiles over
to the rebels, now would they?
- Your unit is going to
infiltrate at 1800 hours
and rendezvous with
the mujahedin rebels.
- Mujahedin?
We don't need those scum.
- This isn't a game, Barrett.
They know every
inch of this terrain
and they fight like hell.
You're gonna need their help
if you're going to
pull off this ambush.
Get your team ready, John,
the helo leaves in five minutes.
- Then let's not keep
the flyboys waiting.
Let's get to the chopper.
(dramatic music)
- Mount up!
If mujahedin come calling,
we send them to paradise.
(soft music)
(speaks in foreign language)
(speaks in foreign language)
- Our brothers have
blocked the main pass,
the Soviets must
take a dirt road
through the hills.
We will show you.
- Squad!
Fall in and move out!
Follow our new friends.
- John.
- What the hell is it, Barrett?
- When this tour's over, I
think we could use some R and R.
I found a great rate on
these cruises to a place
called Val Verde.
There's no women on board,
just good ole male bonding.
What do you think?
- You can file this stupid idea
with your other ideas about
the leather uniform pants,
the sand volleyball court
and the rubber fist.
Now get back in line
and shut the hell up!
- Yes sir.
(soft music)
(explosion booms)
- Move out now!
Out!
Open the gate!
(dramatic music)
(gun firing)
- Fan out, engage!
(guns firing)
(guns firing)
(gun firing)
- Filthy Russian dogs.
Oh, Daddy's here to
give you a spanking!
(explosion booms)
(grunting)
(gun firing)
(guns firing)
(groaning)
Let's see if Yakov
can cull the herd.
(gun firing)
(groaning)
Mujahedin scum.
(gun firing)
(groaning)
(gun firing)
(grunting)
American?
You are dying here.
- A Russian sniper?
You're lucky I hate
Russians, John.
(guns firing)
Good thing I'm here.
- God damn it, Rambo!
(dramatic music)
- There you go, John,
saved your ass again.
But you don't respect me.
You respect these
savages more than me.
Well, to hell with
those savages!
(gun firing)
That's right!
Yeah!
(grunting)
- Come on!
Bloody gun!
Come on!
Come on!
- Barrett!
(dramatic music)
(gun firing)
(explosion booms)
(grunting)
(guns firing)
- Son of a bitch!
- Shit!
(explosion booms)
(grunting)
- Another successful
mission, John!
Let's hit the showers!
- What the hell
is wrong with you?
- Alright, John, not
at the same time.
- No!
Not that!
You're going crazy
on the battlefield
and killing everybody!
- John, I, maybe
a shot went wild.
- That's all
bullshit, all of it!
I think you like killing a
little too much, Barrett.
Get out of my unit.
Now!
- John, you can't do this!
All I ever wanted
was your unit, John!
All I ever wanted was to
be in your unit, John!
(dramatic music)
You better watch yourself, John,
you never know when your
past is going to pop up.
(dramatic music)
- Jesus, that was
a long flashback.
So, you want another crack
at the son of a bitch
who killed your comrades?
(gentle music)
- It's late, but we
should have enough time.
(choking)
- Tony?
What he hell did
you do that for?
He'll live.
- I work here!
I have a key card!
(dramatic music)
Here, so you don't choke
anyone else while I'm working.
Why don't you surf
around, oh wait,
I forgot you've been
locked up for 10 years.
There's this thing
called the internet.
(beeping)
- Okay boys, here's the op.
We're here to pick up an
ex-Special Forces hotshot
by the name of Mantrixx.
He's been out of
the game a while,
but he's still sharp
enough to take down
an entire compound
full of troops.
That's why our employers
have provided us
with a little backup.
You dogs got any questions?
- So is it true
that we're working
with the Crimson Cockroach?
- That name, I do not like.
Now hear me, Mantrixx is mine.
(triumphant music)
(beeping)
- Good news, I've
analyzed the drug.
It looks like it's derived
from the burundanga plant,
I've whipped up a compound
that I think should
neutralize its effects
on the brain.
(fuse sizzling)
(sniffing)
- Wait!
I smell trouble.
Hurry up!
Grab your compounds!
- Okay, I just need a few
minutes to get the dosages.
- I'm going to be handing out
some compounds of my own.
- What kind of compounds?
- Compound fractures.
(dramatic music)
(heavy breathing)
(gun firing)
(gun firing)
(grunting)
- John Mantrixx.
Do you remember Afghanistan?
- I've been trying to forget it.
- For me, not so easy to forget.
You killed my comrades.
(wistful music)
(laughing)
- That's right, the Spitsnatz.
They're my favorite
midnight snack.
Come on, let's party.
(dramatic music)
(grunting)
(siren blaring)
- Oh, shit.
(grunting)
- What's up, doc?
(grunting)
You dirty...
- What the hell is going on?
- Supposed to, capture Mantrixx.
- Where were you
going to take him?
- They have a compound off of,
the coastal highway.
- Thanks.
Now, you know Comrade
Mullet out there?
- Yes.
- Shoot him.
(dramatic music)
(grunting)
- Mantrixx!
Come on, this way!
(coughing)
Of course the car's
on the other side!
- Come on, let's
get to the Beemah!
(gun firing)
(grunting)
(grunting)
- Come with me if you
want to live, soldier!
- C'mon!
(tires squealing)
- This is my old commander.
I thought that you said you
were out of the game, General.
- Out of the game doesn't
mean out of the loop.
I heard the reports from
the units that were sent in
after the firefight
at the compound.
Your style is hard to miss.
Good to know I
haven't lost my touch.
- When I heard the reports
of the technology
and the experiments
they found there, I knew
I couldn't leave you
out there on your own.
- What the hell do you mean?
- I mean this man.
His name is Dr. Mengel.
- This is the crazy
doctor from the compound.
He's brainwashed Cheni!
- He was responsible for
the monster I just hit
with ol' Patton here.
- Responsible for him?
What do you mean?
- During the Cold War,
Mengel was in charge
of the Soviet Super
Soldier program.
The man you just fought
was the program's
prize pupil, Yakov.
He first got on our
radar in Afghanistan,
where we thought you
had taken him out.
He later emerged
again as a mercenary.
They call him the
Crimson Cockroach,
because he's damn near
impossible to kill.
(grunting)
- That wasn't my fault.
That bitch jabbed me with
some of the doctor's formula,
I had no choice.
(gun racking)
- I have the antidote
for their mind control compound.
If you can get us there,
we can save Cheni,
and my sister and everyone else.
- You wouldn't happen
to know where there is?
- I think we might.
There's an address on this
card, off the coast highway.
But would they really
tell us how to find them?
Sounds like a trap.
- You know you don't
want to go in to spring
a trap empty-handed.
- Don't worry about
that, General,
I know a place where
we can go shopping.
(dramatic music)
- Sorry man, we're closed.
- It takes two to tango.
- We only accept, cash.
Mantrixx?
Is that you?
- I require weapons.
- Well in that case, let me
show you the crown jewels.
What'll it be?
- 12 gauge auto-loader.
The M-16 A2 with M-203
Grenade Launcher.
- You still know
your guns, buddy.
- The X-177.
Phased plasma rifle
in the 40-watt range.
- Just what you see, pal.
- The Uzi nine millimeter.
- Is this for
pleasure, or revenge?
- Both.
- Brain-dead soldiers and
brainwashed civilians.
Val Verde's finest.
- Cannon fodder has to
come from somewhere.
But we are concerned
with much bigger fish.
Can we count on you to
handle Colonel Mantrixx
when he arrives?
- You can count on me.
(chuckling)
And what about the serum?
- Ah, the serum, my life's work.
This is all that
I could synthesize
with these pathetic resources.
It's more than enough to
provide strength, youth
and to make a man
more than just a man.
But you must take but a
fraction of this dosage!
This serum was made for
special men, whereas you,
let's just say that
an overdose could lead
to severe consequences.
- I'll take my chances.
You don't know how
special a man is
until you've looked
deep inside him.
- This is the antidote.
One dose should bring anyone
back who's been drugged.
- That covers the
rescue mission.
I'll take care of Mengel,
he and I have an
old score to settle.
- See you at the party, Kerbey.
- Full points for
originality there.
Though I did suggest
the cruise line.
- Shh!
Go now!
Finish the wedding so I
can fulfill my destiny.
Go!
- Herr General!
I wanted you to have something,
something fitting of
your place as ruler
of Val Verde.
- Oh!
(exclaiming)
I will name him Hector.
(speaks in foreign language)
Hector!
Let me tell you a story, eh?
About the time I
recaptured Val Verde.
- Yeah man, that guy
thinks he's so cool.
- Well he's got those shades,
and his gun is bigger than ours.
- Jesus.
You know, they don't
even pay us a lot!
- I can't afford shades!
- I don't even have dental!
- You don't have dental?
- Huh?
You do?
- Hooo, this is awkward.
- Ugh, when was that?
- That was the
meeting last Tuesday!
They said everyone,
it's mandatory.
Sign up for the--
- Oh hey, car!
- Oh, yeah, car.
(dramatic music)
- You here for the wedding?
- Yes, yes.
The wedding!
We are caterers, and, well,
weddings are just what we do!
- Past the main
building on the right.
- I'm going to find Sandy.
- And I'm going to get
dressed for the party.
- John?
Good luck.
- Good luck to you.
(dramatic music)
(guns cocking)
(grunting)
- Huh?
- What's going on over there?
- Eh, probably nothing.
Catering stuff!
- No, let's go
check it out, huh?
(grunting)
(yelling)
- Magic.
(soft knocking)
Come in!
So, why don't you
sit down and relax
while I get a couple
of things going.
- Oh, shit!
Baby, I'd love to stick around,
but they're expecting me
at the most ridiculous
wedding ever.
So you just stay here and
make yourself comfortable,
and when I get back
we'll have a little
honeymoon all of our own.
- Sandy?
- Dawn?
What are you doing here?
- I've got to get you out.
- I can't leave,
I'm supposed to wait
for that nice man.
- That son of a bitch.
The hell you are.
Let me see your arm.
- Ow!
What are you doing?
Dawn?
What's going on?
- You're okay, I got you.
- Oh my God.
- You're okay.
- I was...
There are soldiers everywhere.
How are we going
to get out of here?
- Let's just sit
tight for a bit,
I have a feeling they're
going to be getting
very busy soon.
(dramatic music)
(dramatic music)
- Such a beautiful day, eh?
Such a beautiful day for such
a beautiful lovely bride, eh.
It's really so sad your
father cannot make it, eh?
- Yeah.
So sad.
(speaks in foreign language)
- That's okay, (speaks
in foreign language)
I will be your
father today, huh?
Just like tomorrow
I will be the father
of all the peoples of Val Verde.
And since your husband,
he may not get close
to you tonight, maybe I
will be your papi, eh?
- Yes, you can be my papi.
(laughing)
- Ah, yes.
(soft string music)
(dramatic music)
(shutter clicks)
- Dearly beloved,
special friends,
heavily armed guests.
We are gathered here to
celebrate a unique union.
A union which has
stood the test of time.
He first swept her off
her feet when she was 15.
(clearing throat)
Yes.
Well, the couple has opted
to write their own vows,
which they will
recite for us now.
- I Barrett, take you Cheni,
to have and to hold, hostage.
You wrote your name
on the dog tags
of my heart.
- I lost a father, but I
gained a leather daddy.
Mustaches to ashes,
dust to dust.
- If any here can
think of any reason
why these two should not be
joined in holy matrimony,
let them speak now or
forever hold their peace.
(gun firing)
(gasping)
- Oh my God!
(screaming)
- Consider this a divorce.
(gun firing)
- Welcome back, John.
Now let's finish this.
(gun firing)
(yelling)
(gun firing)
(grunting)
(explosion booms)
(gun firing)
(panting)
(groans)
- You son of a bitch!
You kidnapped me.
Twice!
- It's always a
pleasure, darling,
but I've got business
with your daddy.
(dramatic music)
(gun firing)
(yelling)
- Goddamn Mantrix!
I'll go to the islands.
Islands are nice.
I like islands, right
Of course, they're much
nicer with company.
Hey ladies!
What do you say we
ditch this place,
head down South and get to know
each other a little better?
- Wow!
That would have sounded
great an hour ago.
But then she gave
me a little prick.
- So she won't be needing yours.
And neither will you.
- Oh, come on.
I'm sure we can settle
this like reasonable
and sexy adults!
(gun firing)
(screaming)
(dramatic music)
(guns firing)
- Mantrixx!
- Daddy?
- You killed my father
with a pitchfork!
Too bad you're not a
young man any more!
(gun firing)
- Too bad I'm not a
young girl anymore.
(gun firing)
(blower revving)
(grunting)
- Daddy?
- Cheni!
- I missed you!
- I'm so sorry I shot
at you the other day!
- I'm sorry I killed
your boyfriends
and got sent away.
I guess can't solve all
your problems with violence.
(grunting)
- I guess it's
something to work on.
- It is.
(gun firing)
(yelling)
- Nice shot.
- Thank you.
- Who taught you that?
- You did.
- Who's your daddy?
- You are.
- But my fiance?
- Right?
- You can use violence.
- Count on it.
(machine whirring)
(steam whistling)
You need to get somewhere safe.
- I need to get even.
(intense music)
(gun firing)
(guns firing)
(grunting)
(yelling)
(grunting)
(pensive music)
(explosion booms)
(gun firing)
(guns firing)
(grunting)
- These chuckleheads did
have one thing right.
Daddy's little girl makes
a hell of a hostage.
(grunting)
Maybe I'll have Daddy capture
that pisspot little
country for me.
Poor little Jenny.
- My name, is Cheni.
And I'm a daddy's girl.
(grunting)
And Daddy taught
me how to kick ass!
(grunting)
- That's the stupidest
combination I've ever seen.
(grunting)
You dirty little bitch.
Why the hell is that working?
- Because I'm a Mantrixx.
Bitch.
(mysterious music)
- It's the end of
the line, doctor!
- Could it be, General Kerbey?
How wonderful!
It's been too long.
- You haven't aged a day.
- Science, is a beautiful thing.
- Hey!
Who is this guy?
- Quiet.
Can't you see
adults are talking?
- You've let
yourself go, doctor.
You used to work
for superpowers.
Now you're slumming with
a third world tinhorn.
- Hey, come on, man!
- Why work for superpowers
when you can build one?
Thousands of civilians
under my control
are sailing to Val Verde on
these all-male cruise ships!
In a moment, Mantrixx
and Yakov will be back
under my control.
All the power I need to
crush such a pitiful country!
- Hey!
You insulting Val Verde?
- When our conquest is complete,
disposing of this
buffoon will be simple.
- Hey, you gonna betray me, man?
- With Val Verde as my own,
I will create an army
of super soldiers,
and soon I will have
a continent of my own!
- Hey, you know what, man?
You're also going to have
your own bullet too, man.
- I wouldn't.
(explosion booms)
(howling)
Now, General, you can persuade
Mantrixx to lower his guard.
- I have a better idea.
(gun firing)
- But, but how?
- Antidote.
Science is a beautiful thing.
(ominous music)
(dramatic music)
(grunting)
(groaning)
- Hello, darling.
(sighing)
(cheering)
(grunting)
- And we're back,
ladies and gentlemen
to the Arms of Iron Tournament!
Representing the Soviet Union,
Yakov Jakemoff and in the
red white and blue corner,
John Mantrixx,
decorated war veteran!
From the look in their eyes,
this clearly isn't the
first time these two
have met on the battlefield.
- What's the matter,
KGB got you pushing
too many pencils?
- I must break you.
- This doesn't look
good for Mantrixx,
Yakov has got the upper hand.
He's taking him behind
the Iron Curtain
straight to the Siberian Gulag!
It all comes down to
this, the final match.
Mano y mano.
Communism versus capitalism!
What's this?
He's changed his grip!
Folks, I haven't
seen this since 1987!
This is over the top!
(crowd clapping)
- And Mantrixx wins!
What a hero!
- Okay, USA.
- Yakov, I clearly salute
your good sportsmanship
and your willingness
to move along the plot.
- Daddy?
- Cheni!
- Daddy?
Dad?
Help.
- Cheni!
Are you okay?
- Dad, this is a trap.
You have to go.
(laughing)
- I thought you didn't
need the girl, Barrett?
- The classics never
go out of style, John.
- That outfit was
never in style.
- How quickly you
forget the 80s.
- Listen to me.
We can settle this without
killing each other.
- Daddy, at this point I'm
about to kill the mother...
- So what do you say, Barrett?
- That sounds like some New
Age bullshit to me, John.
I say we go.
(groaning)
Old school.
(laughing)
- What the fuck?
- The doctor said there'd
be a price to pay.
Even if I only have
a little time left,
it'll be worth it, to
see you on your knees.
- So how do you
want to finish this?
Queensbury rules?
Bangkok stick battle?
Or a Cincinnati pipe fight?
- I don't need your pipe, John.
- How the?
- Science is a beautiful thing.
- That's some weird science.
- Come on, John.
Come on, John.
Let's party.
(grunting)
Come on, John!
Come on, what's the
matter, old man?
That all you got?
- Keep your claws to yourself!
(grunting)
(laughing)
(screaming)
- Oh, like old times.
(laughing)
- Hostages, combat drugs,
body armor, what's the
matter with you, Barrett?
You afraid to fight
me like a real man?
- Fair's fair, John.
Not everybody got the huge arms,
and the monstrous abs
and the rippling delts
and the, the large pack, ooh,
where was I going with that?
Oh, right!
You got the muscles,
but I evened it up.
You see, you didn't have
the guts to be a killer!
In the unit, you should
have been under me
the whole time, John.
- In your wildest
wet dreams, Barrett.
- Oh, yeah.
(screaming)
- Oh, John.
Do you know what we call this?
Letting off steam!
(steam blowing)
(screaming)
- Daddy!
- Remember when I said
I was going to shoot you
between the balls, John?
- I thought you said
between the eyes!
(grunting)
- Sorry Barrett, but I'm
only laying pipe to you once.
(panting)
(groans)
Now who doesn't have the guts?
- You may have spilled
my guts, John, but first,
you broke my heart.
- See you at the party, John.
And by party, I mean, hell.
(steam whistling)
(speaks in foreign language)
(pipe clattering)
(upbeat music)
- Nice work, soldier.
- Thank you, General.
- John, I--
- This better not be
where you ask Daddy
to crank up his old unit again.
- She's right.
This really was the last time.
- Nothing official.
But there are several
thousand drug-crazed civilians
about to step off
their cruise ships
and start raising hell.
What do you say, John,
to a Val Verde vacation?
- No chance.
(upbeat music)
(dramatic music)
(fauna chirping)
(branches rustling)
(gun firing)
If it bleeds we can kill it.
(yelling)
(dramatic music)
(bullets clanking)
- [Narrator] Mi
papi always said,
all empires are created
of blood and fire.
His empire was our
country of Val Verde.
(gentle music)
It was a beautiful
and peaceful place
while my father ruled
it with a firm hand.
But the Americano
government called him
a dictator, and the Yankee
cowards started a war
to overthrow my father.
Our soldiers fought like lions,
but there was one man
we could not defeat.
Mi papi was exiled, but
he had a mighty heart,
and (speaks in
foreign language).
He rallied his army,
he rebuilt his power,
and he planned to retake Val
Verde using the very same man
who overthrew him.
- Your friend, Colonel Mantrixx,
won't like this mission.
Will he give us any trouble?
- He doesn't have to like it.
As long as I've
got his daughter,
he's got to bend
over and take it.
(phone rings)
- Si.
Colonel Mantrixx was
not on the plane.
Kill her.
(dramatic music)
(gun firing)
(yelling)
(bullets clanging)
- Welcome back, John, so
glad you could make it.
(explosion booms)
- Felipe we must hide!
(speaks in foreign language)
(gun firing)
- Cheni!
Cheni!
(gun firing)
(yelling)
(glass shattering)
- Daddy?
- [Narrator] I saw
mi papi die that day.
And I swore I would
have my revenge.
(upbeat music)
- Leave anyone alive?
- Just the mariachis.
(speaking in foreign language)
- John, I'd like you to start
up your old squad again.
- This was the
last time, General.
- What are you gonna
do with yourself?
Be a cop?
A construction worker?
You are the last action hero.
John, what do you say?
- No chance.
(playful music)
- They drew first blood.
- That's finger paint, dumbass.
Here's your mail.
- Yippe-kay-AY, Mr. Falcon.
- [Orderly] Mail call.
(ominous music)
- You are one
weird motherfucker.
Leave me alone!
- [Orderly] Somebody loves ya.
- I love you, Dad.
Dear Daddy.
- [Cheni] I'm sorry it's been
so long since I've written,
but sometimes it's hard
to put things into words.
First of all, I wanted
to thank you for being
such a great dad.
You taught me about nature,
you taught me how to
have good table manners,
Daddy I'll never forget
about the fun times
we had together.
You taught me how to be
a confident young lady.
You were the total
Daddy package.
You were so much
fun to grow up with.
- Yes!
- [Cheni] And once
those bad men took me,
you did things for me that
most dads never could.
- If you want your kid back,
you gotta cooperate, right?
- Wrong.
(gun firing)
- [Cheni] After you rescued me,
I'll never forget
that you turned down
the military to stay with me.
And after what happened,
I can understand
why you were so protective.
But when I started dating,
you took things way too far.
- Cheni, no!
(gasping)
- Daddy!
After you wiped out
my after prom party,
I guess everyone realized
that you just cared too much.
- Under the provisions
of the Rambo Act,
I am taking this homicidal
former war hero into
military custody
for psychiatric rehabilitation.
- No!
Dad!
The General told me they took
you to a really nice place,
and in the last few years
you've made great progress.
Well, Daddy, I'm
making progress, too.
I'm getting married!
- Married?
- [Cheni] I know this is
a little bit of a shock,
but please Daddy try
to be happy for me.
Love, Cheni.
- Cheni!
No!
(yelling)
- Time to get these guys
doped up and locked up.
- Cheni.
No Cheni.
(ominous music)
Cheni!
Cheni, where are you?
Daddy's coming!
- Daddy?
- No, not daddy.
(gun firing)
(yelling)
- Barrett!
Let the girl go, it's
me that you want!
- I don't need the girl, John.
I don't need the girl!
- Come on, Barrett.
Throw away that chickenshit gun.
Put a knife in me!
And look me in the eye and see
what's going on in
there when you turn it.
Let's party.
- I don't need the gun, John.
I can beat you.
I don't need no gun!
I'm gonna kill you now!
(screams)
(grunting)
- You're getting old, John.
- Bullshit!
(grunting)
- I'm not gonna shoot you
between the eyes, John,
I'm gonna shoot you
between the balls!
(grunting)
(grunting)
- Let off some steam, Barrett.
(grunting)
- Looks like you
got it in your head
to be a real troublemaker.
But we got a solution
for troublemakers.
I don't know why that
letter got you so riled up,
but a big enough
dose of the juice
will make a guy forget
just about anything.
Right?
You'll be a quiet little
boy from now on, right?
- Wrong.
(grunting)
(siren blaring)
(grunting)
(groaning)
(grunting)
- What the hell?
Look who's crazy now!
(toilet flushes)
(pensive music)
(beeping)
Married on Sunday?
No chance.
(grunting)
(dramatic music)
You always show up right
after the dirty work.
How did you know
where to find me?
- I've been assigned to
this place for years.
- But why were you there?
Wait, why was I there?
- That place is a
dumping ground, John.
Where the government puts men
who are too dangerous to
leave out in the open.
Your last assignment was to stay
there for the rest
of your natural life.
I'm sorry, John.
It breaks my heart to
see it end like this.
Whole damn thing reminds
me of El Salvador.
You remember El Salvador, John?
- Yeah, I remember El Salvador.
I remember it went
something like, this.
(grunting)
- We still got the
moves, eh, John?
- What's this we bullshit?
Yours is barely unconscience.
(grunting)
- Now you've got to
get out of here, John.
Find a nice, quiet place and
start a new life for yourself.
- I can't do that, General.
They've got Cheni,
I've go to save her!
- Are you feeling okay, John?
That was a long time ago.
- I know that she's grown up.
But they have her again.
The letter she sent
me, the picture,
it doesn't make any sense.
I know that she's in danger!
Will you help me?
- I believe you,
John, but I'm sorry.
I'm barely active duty anymore.
But I think I
still can help you.
Here's some gear
to get you started.
And this is the shadiest
nightclub in town.
It's called Huntin' Slash.
It's run by a guy named Sullee,
and it's a down and dirty place.
- Sullee?
I knew a Sullee.
Sullee?
Remember when I told you I
was going to kill you last?
- That's right,
Mantrixx, you did!
- I lied.
(screams)
- If there's any
criminal connection
to the people who
took your Cheni,
it's not a bad place
to start digging.
- I'll check it out, General.
- And in case things get rough.
Welcome back, John.
You and I are the
last of a dying breed,
so don't go getting yourself
killed ahead of schedule.
(pistol racking)
- No chance.
(dramatic music)
- John, one more thing.
It'll look better if.
- Sure, General.
I'm sorry about this.
(grunting)
(upbeat music)
- Hey, baby?
You know, a pretty
little thing like you
shouldn't have to
buy her own drinks.
You know, I always dreamed
I'd meet a girl like you.
- Funny, I had the same dream.
(chuckling)
- Oh Wait, I forgot.
It was a nightmare.
- Oh, you're breakin' my heart.
Okay, you know what, I can
see where I'm not wanted.
Hey, Tony, get this
pretty little thing
a special on the house.
Show her there are
no, hard feelings.
Cheers.
(dramatic music)
- Sir, the shipment
is almost complete.
We just got a call
from The Generalissimo.
He wants to know--
- Can't you see I'm busy?
Shouldn't you be
stalking somebody?
Hey, I'm tryin'
to get laid here.
- Is there a back
room to this place?
Can you show me?
- You see?
I'm busy.
Back room?
It'd be my pleasure.
- Thanks.
- Sullee, you bastard.
(beeping)
Locked and loaded.
(ominous music)
(upbeat music)
(ominous music)
- Everything all
right here, pal?
We don't get a lot of
briefcases in this place.
- I just came in
for a quick drink.
My boss is a real
pain in the ass,
if you know what I mean.
- What's in the box.
- All right, it's just my work,
it's a real pain in the heart!
(grunting)
- Another satisfied customer.
- [Both] You son of a bitch!
(grunting)
(gun firing)
- Get him!
Security!
(gun firing)
(grunting)
- That guy is one
tough motherfucker!
(grunting)
- I'm gonna kick your ass!
(grunting)
- Magic Eight Ball says,
don't count on it!
(dramatic music)
(tires squeal)
- Mantrixx is alive!
(tires squealing)
Don't tell me to calm down!
That asshole dropped
me off a cliff,
now he's back to finish the job!
- [John] I know where
you're going, Sullee.
You're mine now!
- I'm coming to you!
I'm coming to you now!
- Hey, you ever cut
butter with a warm knife?
- Si.
It's like slitting a
young girl's throat.
(grunting)
(groaning)
- I can't believe
you're not butter.
(whistling)
(grunting)
(pensive music)
(dramatic music)
(pensive music)
(guns cocking)
Cheni!
(dramatic music)
- Daddy.
You made it.
- Thank God you're alive!
What the hell are
you doing here?
We've got to get out of here!
- You're right, Dad.
We do need to get out of here.
But first, there's
someone you need to meet.
- But who?
- What is this?
- Don't worry, Daddy, your
friend will explain everything.
- Friend?
What friend?
- Your oldest friend.
Welcome back, John, so
glad you could make it.
- Barrett, you
bastard, it is you!
But how the hell are you alive?
- Oh you mean my
little souvenir?
Turns out, you missed
every vital organ, John.
(dramatic music)
Where you going, John?
I'm not through with you yet.
I'll be back, John.
I'll be back!
Ow!
The steam cauterized the wound,
and I'm feeling good as new.
I bet I'm feeling better
than you are, old man.
Naughty boy, John,
can't go shooting guns in here.
You might hit your daughter.
Get his weapons.
- Chaining me up isn't
like you, Barrett.
Come on, don't you
want a rematch?
Finally stick me with
that big knife of yours?
- Oh, I'll stick
it in you, John.
But first.
- First, Colonel Mantrixx,
we have a little job for you.
(dramatic music)
John, John, John, John.
John Mantrixx.
My name is Generalissimo
Felipe Ares.
And you killed mi papi.
- You're Ares' son?
- Yes!
I am his son and I
am his successor too.
Mr. Barrett, it's time
to begin phase two
of (speaks in foreign language)
See to it.
- My pleasure.
Darling?
- Barrett!
Let my daughter go!
- Oh, she's much
happier with me, John.
Toodle-oo!
(chuckling)
- I am really gonna enjoy this.
- No thanks to you,
the people of Val
Verde have grown soft.
They have been corrupted
by their little democracy!
But I will finish
mi papi's plan,
and you will help me.
- Never fear, Herr General.
Our friend the Colonel
is quite the feisty one.
But we are in luck.
We have just the thing for that.
(chuckling)
- So, once he's drugged,
can I hit him?
- Ey, quiet, you fool!
Don't be a stupido, okay?
Hey, when he's
drugged, can I hit him?
- No!
The Colonel is not a toy!
And I am not here so
that you can play games!
Now, Colonel, this will hurt.
- You're damn right.
(explosion booms)
(grunting)
- I need him alive.
I go get the troops, get him!
Go get him!
(dramatic music)
(grunting)
- Never bring a toothpick
to a pipe fight.
(guns cocking)
(gun firing)
- Attention!
Attention!
The Colonel John
Mantrixx is escaping!
(speaks in foreign language)
(engine roars)
(speaks in foreign language)
(dramatic music)
(gun firing)
(yelling)
(gun firing)
(yelling)
(guns firing)
(explosion booms)
(grunting)
(yelling)
- Watch your back, ho!
(guns firing)
(explosion booms)
(gun firing)
(explosion booms)
(yelling)
(gun firing)
(dramatic music)
(yelling)
(explosion booming)
(grunting)
(gun firing)
(gun firing)
(explosion booms)
(gun firing)
(gun firing)
(explosion booms)
(explosion booms)
- We're under attack!
The government's found us!
- That's not the government.
That's--
- Mantrixx!
He's escaped!
- Let's go.
(dramatic music)
(gun firing)
(gun firing)
(grunting)
(grunting)
(yelling)
(grunting)
(yelling)
(yelling)
(speaks in foreign language)
(grunting)
(grunting)
(grunting)
(engines revving)
(grunting)
(gentle music)
- (groans) Barrett?
- When you kicked me
out of your unit, John,
I swore I'd have payback.
You know what today is?
Payback, day.
(gun firing)
(yelling)
(grunting)
(pensive music)
(gun firing)
(tires squealing)
(grunting)
(dramatic music)
- They're all right.
- "All right?"
You want weapons with
no questions asked,
they're the best money can buy.
But there's one question
you'd better answer,
when do I get paid?
- Ms. Maelstrom, that's
not my department.
You'll have to take it up with.
- El Generalissimo is not happy!
- Well there he is now.
- I have just heard that the
Colonel Mantrixx has escaped!
Many soldiers of Val Verde
have died, for nothing!
All because of you!
- Hey, fuck you!
The guy showed up out
of nowhere at my bar,
what was I suppsed to
do, knife fight him?
Look what happens
when you do that!
And don't bitch
about a few guys,
I've been spreading
the doc's magic formula
around all the dives I own.
Thanks to me, you have
thousands of recruits.
- Yes, but will they be ready?
- They're almost as good
as your regular soldiers,
which is to say they're shit.
But I've trained them
which end of a gun to hold.
All they need to do is
follow simple orders.
Once Mantrixx assassinates
the president,
the whole country
will be in chaos.
- My Dad's not an assassin.
- Oh, shit!
- But he will
smash your face in.
(grunting)
- It looks like someone
neglected to keep up her dosage.
- So sorry it slipped
my mind that your magic
mad scientist formula
needs booster shots.
- She is strong willed!
The formula is made
for average people.
If it were potent enough
to tame her permanently,
it would kill the sheep
that you're training.
(speaks in foreign language)
There!
Good as new.
Mr. Sullee, please escort
her to her quarters.
- Her quarters, not yours.
I won't have her spoiled
before her special day.
- Yeah, don't worry,
she's not my type.
Man hands.
No offense.
- Handing out weapons to
civilians is stupid enough.
Arming John Mantrixx's daughter?
Brain-dead.
But that's your business.
My business, is business,
and you'll be handing
out slingshots
if I don't get paid for
my last two shipments.
- Maelstrom, (speaks
in foreign language)
take it easy, okay?
When I control Val
Verde I will give you
20 million Felipes, hey?
And a very grateful Presidente.
(grunting)
- You will express
your gratitude in gold,
just like we agreed.
When John Mantrixx wrecks
this little clown show,
I'm not gonna be the one
left holding the bag.
- We've got a plan for Mantrixx.
- You had a plan
for getting dressed
this morning, too.
Look how that turned out.
- Mantrixx does pose a problem,
but you have a reputation for
problem solving, do you not?
A woman of your
considerable talents
should be able to
deliver Mantrixx to us
for say, an extra 30%?
In acceptable
currency, of course.
- I don't know, I've
got some boys who know
their business, but
Mantrixx is the best.
- Yes, yes, of the best, surely.
But what if I were able to offer
you the services of...
(whispers)
- You know him?
- Yes.
He would be happy to help,
Colonel Mantrixx is not
a hero to everybody.
- You son of a bitch!
Where is my sister?
Sandy went missing
two weeks ago,
and the last place anybody
saw her was Hunting...
That disgusting bar.
I was checking the
place out when I saw you
and that pervy guy
tear out of there.
I followed you to the
compound and then I saw
all hell break loose.
I think Sandy
stumbled on something,
and I think you
know what that is.
So I'm gonna ask
you one more time,
where is my sister?
(grunting)
- I'm not the bad guy.
- Then what were
you doing there?
- Terminating assholes.
I'm looking for someone.
My daughter, Cheni.
- She's pretty.
And, she has really
shitty taste in men.
How'd she end up with
creepy mustache guy?
- His name is Barrett.
When she was little, he and
Sullee, the bar pervert,
took her to get me to do
a job, but I saved her.
I hadn't seen her in 10 years,
when she sent me this I
broke out to find her.
- Wait, you broke out?
Were you, in prison?
- No, just a mental institution.
There's something
wrong with Cheni!
These men tried to kill her.
She wouldn't be with them
unless there was something
wrong with her mind.
- Does that run in the family?
- Now come on, listen.
When I was in the hangar,
one of them had this.
They said it would
make me cooperate.
It must be some kind
of mind control!
- There are some
chemical compounds
that have been known to make
people prone to suggestion.
When I was talking to
the police about Sandy,
they said a lot of people
have been disappearing.
If they've been drugging people,
We need to get this to my lab.
I should be able to analyze it.
- Are you a doctor?
- What, you were expecting
a flight attendant?
I'm Dr. Dawn Bergman,
I'm a biochemist.
- John Mantrixx, commando.
- Pleased to meet you, John.
Now let's get going,
the sooner we figure out
what this is, the sooner we
can save Sandy and Jenny.
- Cheni.
(grunting)
(gentle music)
- Dr. Mengel has a
question for you.
Do you remember, Afghanistan?
- Da.
I remember Afghanistan.
(jet engine roars)
(upbeat music)
* One, two, three, four
- You look like, John Travolta!
(speaks in foreign language)
(upbeat dance music)
(laughing)
(singing in foreign language)
(group cheers)
(laughing)
(speaking in foreign language)
- Yakov!
- Orders?
- Da.
Moscow wants words with
our American friend.
We are to take him by convoy
to Jalalabad Airfield.
- Simple.
- Not so simple,
we have no escort.
All available armor is tied up
by heavy mujahedin activity.
- So convoy is one truck?
- Not to worry, comrade,
intelligence says
mujahedin activity
will be light.
- Intelligence.
(upbeat music)
- What the fuck?
- Attention!
At ease, soldiers.
Last night, we had a chopper
get shot down over Afghanistan.
It was carrying a U.S.
Intelligence asset.
- These CIA guys, do
they always travel
on the wrong side of the border?
They wouldn't be handing
Stinger missiles over
to the rebels, now would they?
- Your unit is going to
infiltrate at 1800 hours
and rendezvous with
the mujahedin rebels.
- Mujahedin?
We don't need those scum.
- This isn't a game, Barrett.
They know every
inch of this terrain
and they fight like hell.
You're gonna need their help
if you're going to
pull off this ambush.
Get your team ready, John,
the helo leaves in five minutes.
- Then let's not keep
the flyboys waiting.
Let's get to the chopper.
(dramatic music)
- Mount up!
If mujahedin come calling,
we send them to paradise.
(soft music)
(speaks in foreign language)
(speaks in foreign language)
- Our brothers have
blocked the main pass,
the Soviets must
take a dirt road
through the hills.
We will show you.
- Squad!
Fall in and move out!
Follow our new friends.
- John.
- What the hell is it, Barrett?
- When this tour's over, I
think we could use some R and R.
I found a great rate on
these cruises to a place
called Val Verde.
There's no women on board,
just good ole male bonding.
What do you think?
- You can file this stupid idea
with your other ideas about
the leather uniform pants,
the sand volleyball court
and the rubber fist.
Now get back in line
and shut the hell up!
- Yes sir.
(soft music)
(explosion booms)
- Move out now!
Out!
Open the gate!
(dramatic music)
(gun firing)
- Fan out, engage!
(guns firing)
(guns firing)
(gun firing)
- Filthy Russian dogs.
Oh, Daddy's here to
give you a spanking!
(explosion booms)
(grunting)
(gun firing)
(guns firing)
(groaning)
Let's see if Yakov
can cull the herd.
(gun firing)
(groaning)
Mujahedin scum.
(gun firing)
(groaning)
(gun firing)
(grunting)
American?
You are dying here.
- A Russian sniper?
You're lucky I hate
Russians, John.
(guns firing)
Good thing I'm here.
- God damn it, Rambo!
(dramatic music)
- There you go, John,
saved your ass again.
But you don't respect me.
You respect these
savages more than me.
Well, to hell with
those savages!
(gun firing)
That's right!
Yeah!
(grunting)
- Come on!
Bloody gun!
Come on!
Come on!
- Barrett!
(dramatic music)
(gun firing)
(explosion booms)
(grunting)
(guns firing)
- Son of a bitch!
- Shit!
(explosion booms)
(grunting)
- Another successful
mission, John!
Let's hit the showers!
- What the hell
is wrong with you?
- Alright, John, not
at the same time.
- No!
Not that!
You're going crazy
on the battlefield
and killing everybody!
- John, I, maybe
a shot went wild.
- That's all
bullshit, all of it!
I think you like killing a
little too much, Barrett.
Get out of my unit.
Now!
- John, you can't do this!
All I ever wanted
was your unit, John!
All I ever wanted was to
be in your unit, John!
(dramatic music)
You better watch yourself, John,
you never know when your
past is going to pop up.
(dramatic music)
- Jesus, that was
a long flashback.
So, you want another crack
at the son of a bitch
who killed your comrades?
(gentle music)
- It's late, but we
should have enough time.
(choking)
- Tony?
What he hell did
you do that for?
He'll live.
- I work here!
I have a key card!
(dramatic music)
Here, so you don't choke
anyone else while I'm working.
Why don't you surf
around, oh wait,
I forgot you've been
locked up for 10 years.
There's this thing
called the internet.
(beeping)
- Okay boys, here's the op.
We're here to pick up an
ex-Special Forces hotshot
by the name of Mantrixx.
He's been out of
the game a while,
but he's still sharp
enough to take down
an entire compound
full of troops.
That's why our employers
have provided us
with a little backup.
You dogs got any questions?
- So is it true
that we're working
with the Crimson Cockroach?
- That name, I do not like.
Now hear me, Mantrixx is mine.
(triumphant music)
(beeping)
- Good news, I've
analyzed the drug.
It looks like it's derived
from the burundanga plant,
I've whipped up a compound
that I think should
neutralize its effects
on the brain.
(fuse sizzling)
(sniffing)
- Wait!
I smell trouble.
Hurry up!
Grab your compounds!
- Okay, I just need a few
minutes to get the dosages.
- I'm going to be handing out
some compounds of my own.
- What kind of compounds?
- Compound fractures.
(dramatic music)
(heavy breathing)
(gun firing)
(gun firing)
(grunting)
- John Mantrixx.
Do you remember Afghanistan?
- I've been trying to forget it.
- For me, not so easy to forget.
You killed my comrades.
(wistful music)
(laughing)
- That's right, the Spitsnatz.
They're my favorite
midnight snack.
Come on, let's party.
(dramatic music)
(grunting)
(siren blaring)
- Oh, shit.
(grunting)
- What's up, doc?
(grunting)
You dirty...
- What the hell is going on?
- Supposed to, capture Mantrixx.
- Where were you
going to take him?
- They have a compound off of,
the coastal highway.
- Thanks.
Now, you know Comrade
Mullet out there?
- Yes.
- Shoot him.
(dramatic music)
(grunting)
- Mantrixx!
Come on, this way!
(coughing)
Of course the car's
on the other side!
- Come on, let's
get to the Beemah!
(gun firing)
(grunting)
(grunting)
- Come with me if you
want to live, soldier!
- C'mon!
(tires squealing)
- This is my old commander.
I thought that you said you
were out of the game, General.
- Out of the game doesn't
mean out of the loop.
I heard the reports from
the units that were sent in
after the firefight
at the compound.
Your style is hard to miss.
Good to know I
haven't lost my touch.
- When I heard the reports
of the technology
and the experiments
they found there, I knew
I couldn't leave you
out there on your own.
- What the hell do you mean?
- I mean this man.
His name is Dr. Mengel.
- This is the crazy
doctor from the compound.
He's brainwashed Cheni!
- He was responsible for
the monster I just hit
with ol' Patton here.
- Responsible for him?
What do you mean?
- During the Cold War,
Mengel was in charge
of the Soviet Super
Soldier program.
The man you just fought
was the program's
prize pupil, Yakov.
He first got on our
radar in Afghanistan,
where we thought you
had taken him out.
He later emerged
again as a mercenary.
They call him the
Crimson Cockroach,
because he's damn near
impossible to kill.
(grunting)
- That wasn't my fault.
That bitch jabbed me with
some of the doctor's formula,
I had no choice.
(gun racking)
- I have the antidote
for their mind control compound.
If you can get us there,
we can save Cheni,
and my sister and everyone else.
- You wouldn't happen
to know where there is?
- I think we might.
There's an address on this
card, off the coast highway.
But would they really
tell us how to find them?
Sounds like a trap.
- You know you don't
want to go in to spring
a trap empty-handed.
- Don't worry about
that, General,
I know a place where
we can go shopping.
(dramatic music)
- Sorry man, we're closed.
- It takes two to tango.
- We only accept, cash.
Mantrixx?
Is that you?
- I require weapons.
- Well in that case, let me
show you the crown jewels.
What'll it be?
- 12 gauge auto-loader.
The M-16 A2 with M-203
Grenade Launcher.
- You still know
your guns, buddy.
- The X-177.
Phased plasma rifle
in the 40-watt range.
- Just what you see, pal.
- The Uzi nine millimeter.
- Is this for
pleasure, or revenge?
- Both.
- Brain-dead soldiers and
brainwashed civilians.
Val Verde's finest.
- Cannon fodder has to
come from somewhere.
But we are concerned
with much bigger fish.
Can we count on you to
handle Colonel Mantrixx
when he arrives?
- You can count on me.
(chuckling)
And what about the serum?
- Ah, the serum, my life's work.
This is all that
I could synthesize
with these pathetic resources.
It's more than enough to
provide strength, youth
and to make a man
more than just a man.
But you must take but a
fraction of this dosage!
This serum was made for
special men, whereas you,
let's just say that
an overdose could lead
to severe consequences.
- I'll take my chances.
You don't know how
special a man is
until you've looked
deep inside him.
- This is the antidote.
One dose should bring anyone
back who's been drugged.
- That covers the
rescue mission.
I'll take care of Mengel,
he and I have an
old score to settle.
- See you at the party, Kerbey.
- Full points for
originality there.
Though I did suggest
the cruise line.
- Shh!
Go now!
Finish the wedding so I
can fulfill my destiny.
Go!
- Herr General!
I wanted you to have something,
something fitting of
your place as ruler
of Val Verde.
- Oh!
(exclaiming)
I will name him Hector.
(speaks in foreign language)
Hector!
Let me tell you a story, eh?
About the time I
recaptured Val Verde.
- Yeah man, that guy
thinks he's so cool.
- Well he's got those shades,
and his gun is bigger than ours.
- Jesus.
You know, they don't
even pay us a lot!
- I can't afford shades!
- I don't even have dental!
- You don't have dental?
- Huh?
You do?
- Hooo, this is awkward.
- Ugh, when was that?
- That was the
meeting last Tuesday!
They said everyone,
it's mandatory.
Sign up for the--
- Oh hey, car!
- Oh, yeah, car.
(dramatic music)
- You here for the wedding?
- Yes, yes.
The wedding!
We are caterers, and, well,
weddings are just what we do!
- Past the main
building on the right.
- I'm going to find Sandy.
- And I'm going to get
dressed for the party.
- John?
Good luck.
- Good luck to you.
(dramatic music)
(guns cocking)
(grunting)
- Huh?
- What's going on over there?
- Eh, probably nothing.
Catering stuff!
- No, let's go
check it out, huh?
(grunting)
(yelling)
- Magic.
(soft knocking)
Come in!
So, why don't you
sit down and relax
while I get a couple
of things going.
- Oh, shit!
Baby, I'd love to stick around,
but they're expecting me
at the most ridiculous
wedding ever.
So you just stay here and
make yourself comfortable,
and when I get back
we'll have a little
honeymoon all of our own.
- Sandy?
- Dawn?
What are you doing here?
- I've got to get you out.
- I can't leave,
I'm supposed to wait
for that nice man.
- That son of a bitch.
The hell you are.
Let me see your arm.
- Ow!
What are you doing?
Dawn?
What's going on?
- You're okay, I got you.
- Oh my God.
- You're okay.
- I was...
There are soldiers everywhere.
How are we going
to get out of here?
- Let's just sit
tight for a bit,
I have a feeling they're
going to be getting
very busy soon.
(dramatic music)
(dramatic music)
- Such a beautiful day, eh?
Such a beautiful day for such
a beautiful lovely bride, eh.
It's really so sad your
father cannot make it, eh?
- Yeah.
So sad.
(speaks in foreign language)
- That's okay, (speaks
in foreign language)
I will be your
father today, huh?
Just like tomorrow
I will be the father
of all the peoples of Val Verde.
And since your husband,
he may not get close
to you tonight, maybe I
will be your papi, eh?
- Yes, you can be my papi.
(laughing)
- Ah, yes.
(soft string music)
(dramatic music)
(shutter clicks)
- Dearly beloved,
special friends,
heavily armed guests.
We are gathered here to
celebrate a unique union.
A union which has
stood the test of time.
He first swept her off
her feet when she was 15.
(clearing throat)
Yes.
Well, the couple has opted
to write their own vows,
which they will
recite for us now.
- I Barrett, take you Cheni,
to have and to hold, hostage.
You wrote your name
on the dog tags
of my heart.
- I lost a father, but I
gained a leather daddy.
Mustaches to ashes,
dust to dust.
- If any here can
think of any reason
why these two should not be
joined in holy matrimony,
let them speak now or
forever hold their peace.
(gun firing)
(gasping)
- Oh my God!
(screaming)
- Consider this a divorce.
(gun firing)
- Welcome back, John.
Now let's finish this.
(gun firing)
(yelling)
(gun firing)
(grunting)
(explosion booms)
(gun firing)
(panting)
(groans)
- You son of a bitch!
You kidnapped me.
Twice!
- It's always a
pleasure, darling,
but I've got business
with your daddy.
(dramatic music)
(gun firing)
(yelling)
- Goddamn Mantrix!
I'll go to the islands.
Islands are nice.
I like islands, right
Of course, they're much
nicer with company.
Hey ladies!
What do you say we
ditch this place,
head down South and get to know
each other a little better?
- Wow!
That would have sounded
great an hour ago.
But then she gave
me a little prick.
- So she won't be needing yours.
And neither will you.
- Oh, come on.
I'm sure we can settle
this like reasonable
and sexy adults!
(gun firing)
(screaming)
(dramatic music)
(guns firing)
- Mantrixx!
- Daddy?
- You killed my father
with a pitchfork!
Too bad you're not a
young man any more!
(gun firing)
- Too bad I'm not a
young girl anymore.
(gun firing)
(blower revving)
(grunting)
- Daddy?
- Cheni!
- I missed you!
- I'm so sorry I shot
at you the other day!
- I'm sorry I killed
your boyfriends
and got sent away.
I guess can't solve all
your problems with violence.
(grunting)
- I guess it's
something to work on.
- It is.
(gun firing)
(yelling)
- Nice shot.
- Thank you.
- Who taught you that?
- You did.
- Who's your daddy?
- You are.
- But my fiance?
- Right?
- You can use violence.
- Count on it.
(machine whirring)
(steam whistling)
You need to get somewhere safe.
- I need to get even.
(intense music)
(gun firing)
(guns firing)
(grunting)
(yelling)
(grunting)
(pensive music)
(explosion booms)
(gun firing)
(guns firing)
(grunting)
- These chuckleheads did
have one thing right.
Daddy's little girl makes
a hell of a hostage.
(grunting)
Maybe I'll have Daddy capture
that pisspot little
country for me.
Poor little Jenny.
- My name, is Cheni.
And I'm a daddy's girl.
(grunting)
And Daddy taught
me how to kick ass!
(grunting)
- That's the stupidest
combination I've ever seen.
(grunting)
You dirty little bitch.
Why the hell is that working?
- Because I'm a Mantrixx.
Bitch.
(mysterious music)
- It's the end of
the line, doctor!
- Could it be, General Kerbey?
How wonderful!
It's been too long.
- You haven't aged a day.
- Science, is a beautiful thing.
- Hey!
Who is this guy?
- Quiet.
Can't you see
adults are talking?
- You've let
yourself go, doctor.
You used to work
for superpowers.
Now you're slumming with
a third world tinhorn.
- Hey, come on, man!
- Why work for superpowers
when you can build one?
Thousands of civilians
under my control
are sailing to Val Verde on
these all-male cruise ships!
In a moment, Mantrixx
and Yakov will be back
under my control.
All the power I need to
crush such a pitiful country!
- Hey!
You insulting Val Verde?
- When our conquest is complete,
disposing of this
buffoon will be simple.
- Hey, you gonna betray me, man?
- With Val Verde as my own,
I will create an army
of super soldiers,
and soon I will have
a continent of my own!
- Hey, you know what, man?
You're also going to have
your own bullet too, man.
- I wouldn't.
(explosion booms)
(howling)
Now, General, you can persuade
Mantrixx to lower his guard.
- I have a better idea.
(gun firing)
- But, but how?
- Antidote.
Science is a beautiful thing.
(ominous music)
(dramatic music)
(grunting)
(groaning)
- Hello, darling.
(sighing)
(cheering)
(grunting)
- And we're back,
ladies and gentlemen
to the Arms of Iron Tournament!
Representing the Soviet Union,
Yakov Jakemoff and in the
red white and blue corner,
John Mantrixx,
decorated war veteran!
From the look in their eyes,
this clearly isn't the
first time these two
have met on the battlefield.
- What's the matter,
KGB got you pushing
too many pencils?
- I must break you.
- This doesn't look
good for Mantrixx,
Yakov has got the upper hand.
He's taking him behind
the Iron Curtain
straight to the Siberian Gulag!
It all comes down to
this, the final match.
Mano y mano.
Communism versus capitalism!
What's this?
He's changed his grip!
Folks, I haven't
seen this since 1987!
This is over the top!
(crowd clapping)
- And Mantrixx wins!
What a hero!
- Okay, USA.
- Yakov, I clearly salute
your good sportsmanship
and your willingness
to move along the plot.
- Daddy?
- Cheni!
- Daddy?
Dad?
Help.
- Cheni!
Are you okay?
- Dad, this is a trap.
You have to go.
(laughing)
- I thought you didn't
need the girl, Barrett?
- The classics never
go out of style, John.
- That outfit was
never in style.
- How quickly you
forget the 80s.
- Listen to me.
We can settle this without
killing each other.
- Daddy, at this point I'm
about to kill the mother...
- So what do you say, Barrett?
- That sounds like some New
Age bullshit to me, John.
I say we go.
(groaning)
Old school.
(laughing)
- What the fuck?
- The doctor said there'd
be a price to pay.
Even if I only have
a little time left,
it'll be worth it, to
see you on your knees.
- So how do you
want to finish this?
Queensbury rules?
Bangkok stick battle?
Or a Cincinnati pipe fight?
- I don't need your pipe, John.
- How the?
- Science is a beautiful thing.
- That's some weird science.
- Come on, John.
Come on, John.
Let's party.
(grunting)
Come on, John!
Come on, what's the
matter, old man?
That all you got?
- Keep your claws to yourself!
(grunting)
(laughing)
(screaming)
- Oh, like old times.
(laughing)
- Hostages, combat drugs,
body armor, what's the
matter with you, Barrett?
You afraid to fight
me like a real man?
- Fair's fair, John.
Not everybody got the huge arms,
and the monstrous abs
and the rippling delts
and the, the large pack, ooh,
where was I going with that?
Oh, right!
You got the muscles,
but I evened it up.
You see, you didn't have
the guts to be a killer!
In the unit, you should
have been under me
the whole time, John.
- In your wildest
wet dreams, Barrett.
- Oh, yeah.
(screaming)
- Oh, John.
Do you know what we call this?
Letting off steam!
(steam blowing)
(screaming)
- Daddy!
- Remember when I said
I was going to shoot you
between the balls, John?
- I thought you said
between the eyes!
(grunting)
- Sorry Barrett, but I'm
only laying pipe to you once.
(panting)
(groans)
Now who doesn't have the guts?
- You may have spilled
my guts, John, but first,
you broke my heart.
- See you at the party, John.
And by party, I mean, hell.
(steam whistling)
(speaks in foreign language)
(pipe clattering)
(upbeat music)
- Nice work, soldier.
- Thank you, General.
- John, I--
- This better not be
where you ask Daddy
to crank up his old unit again.
- She's right.
This really was the last time.
- Nothing official.
But there are several
thousand drug-crazed civilians
about to step off
their cruise ships
and start raising hell.
What do you say, John,
to a Val Verde vacation?
- No chance.
(upbeat music)
(dramatic music)
(fauna chirping)
(branches rustling)
(gun firing)
If it bleeds we can kill it.
(yelling)
(dramatic music)