NoHo (1995) - full transcript

(siren wailing)

- (Man) I wish we had milk.

- Look at all these people driving by.

Where the hell are they all going?

- I don't know, they're going somewhere.

As am I, my friend.

- Work, huh?

- Oh yeah.

- That's cool.

- Ah, I'm going to have
my bed delivered today.

You gonna be around?



- Well, barring the possibility

of anything even remotely
interesting happening,

I should be here.

- Yeah, look, I know it's
been hectic moving in and all,

but when I have more time

I'll be able to help out a little more.

- That's cool, man.

Somebody's gotta bring
home the Crunchberries.

- Well, I'm outta here.

(rock music)

- Quinn, I need to talk to you.

- Yes, Mr. Lyle?

- Call me Derek.

- I thought your name was Bill?



- Oh, it is.

But I like the name Derek.

- Okay, Derek.

- I have to let you go.

- What?

- Word came down from management.

- Now I thought you were the management?

- Well there's another guy.

- Why'd you even hire me?

I've only worked here a week.

- Look kid shit happens, ya know?

- But how's the store gonna run?

I mean, I was one of only two employees.

- Business has been so slow,

I can get a chimp to do your job

and no one would be the wiser.

Listen, I'm gonna let you knock off early.

Here's your first paycheck.

- And last.

- Well you can look at it like that,

if you want to be a freaking defeatist.

You need to ask yourself
is your cup half empty

or is it half full?

We all take our share of knocks.

You just have to learn how
to start treating each knock

as an opportunity.

- This is really a small amount of money.

- Well, Henry Ford started
out with less than that.

- What, really?

- Well, no.

(grunts)

- So I was thinking about taking

the El Camino off the blocks.

- Can you afford it?

- Well, not right now, but
after a few weeks of this.

- I was thinking about doing
the same thing with my Pinto.

- Yeah, that'd be good.

(knocks on door)

- Uh, we're here to deliver the bed.

- Oh yeah, um yeah, bring it on in man.

How you guys doing?

- Good.

Nice place.

- Thanks.

(mattress squeaking)

- Well hold on a second,
you lost your little buddy.

Take it right back in there.

No no no, hold on, that's the wrong room.

Sorry about that.

Ah, it's in here.

Look he's got a lot of
shit in there right now.

Let's just put it in
the living room, okay?

- Wanna just leave it here?

- What?

- I said do you wanna just leave it here?

- No, I want to put it in
the living room, all right?

Look, I'll give you guys a hand, okay?

(light shatters)

- You broke your light.

- Yeah, yeah you guys were
supposed to help me there.

- Our insurance doesn't
cover that you know.

- Why would it?

Listen guys, you've been terrific.

I got an idea here.

Why don't you get the
hell out of my house?

- Okay then.

- Yeah, thanks a lot.

Really really awful awful work.

(raucous rock music)

(TV cop show theme music)

- Hey man.
- Hey man.

- What are you doing?

- Just watching a little CHiPs,

Ponch and John just pulled
over that guy in a Winnebago.

- [Quinn] Yeah, I've seen that one.

- Well I haven't, so don't ruin it for me.

- Ruin it for you, what are you, nuts?

So I got laid off today.

- No way.

You've only been working there
like a week or something.

- [Quinn] Yeah, a week.

- Man, it sucks to be you.
- Yeah.

So my bed came today?

- [Roommate] Yeah delivered
special by Ichabod Crane

and his little pal Penrod.

- I don't know what that means.

- So what are you gonna do now?

- I don't know.

I guess, back to unemployment for now.

- Hop on that government gravy train.

Man, I wish I could figure
out how welfare works,

except I think you have
to have kids or something.

- Yeah.

- There was this lady in New
York, had like 70 aliases,

collected a million and a
half dollars in five years.

What a scam.

- Yeah, but you're gonna
have money soon, aren't ya?

- I don't know.

My lawyer's turning the screws on me.

Now he wants money up front,

whether I get my settlement or not.

- Why don't you just
get a different lawyer?

- Because this guy came
highly recommended.

- By who?

- Um Law Dogs.

- Yeah, yeah, I heard of them.

They got that guy 1.2 million dollars.

The only problem with that is,

you know in the commercials

where they show his head and
they don't show his body?

- Yeah.

- Well that's because that's
all that's left of him

just his head sitting in
a pan of blood with tubes

shoved up his esophageal tract.

- Yeah.

- So what are you gonna do today?

You're looking at it.

- CHiPs and Chips, huh?
- You know it.

- I tell you, there's gotta
be more to life than this.

- What do you mean?

(chips crunching)

So good.

- Hey man.

What are you doing?

- Putting a couple of resumes together.

Gonna send them out to a few places.

- Huh.

Listen, Devereaux's gonna come over

and we're gonna throw
the football in the park.

You wanna go?

- Yeah, all right.

- Okay, I'm gonna go take a leak now.

- Okay, let me know how it goes.

- Oh, I'll let you know.

- Hey man, what's with you?

- I don't know.

You ever think you could still be growing?

- What do you mean like height?

- No, I mean like length, you know?

- No, I don't think so.

I think I got about as big as

I'd ever get by about seventeen.

- I think I'm still growing.

- What, really?
- Yeah.

- Well, I don't know if that's possible.

Believe me, I don't want to see,

but if it's true, I don't see
how it'd be much of a problem.

- Yeah, but it's been
doing this for awhile

and at an alarmingly rapid rate.

- Maybe you should see a doctor.

- Maybe I should get health insurance.

- Yeah, maybe Rosie Perez isn't annoying.

- Bing!

Billy, you're so stupid!

(doorbell rings)

All right, that's Dev.

Let's roll.
- All right.

(sirens wailing)

- Hey man.

- What's up, Slice?

- Slice?

- As in home slice.

- What are you, reverting back
to Krush Groove for lingo?

- Where's the ball?
- Right here keeping it clean.

- All right guys, let's roll.

- Excuse me, do you have a telephone?

- Excuse me?

- Do you have a telephone?

- Sorry, I don't have one on me.

- Hey man what'd she ask you?

- I don't know, she's insane.

- You going to that party Saturday night?

- You mean that girl who was
handing out flyers at Flooky's?

- Yeah.

I hear it's gonna be swinging.

- Swinging?
- Hey, go long.

- Yeah, we're gonna go.
- I can't, I'm tired.

- No, go long!
- I don't want to.

Just throw it to me here.

(couple arguing)

- That's it!

That's it!

Do you have a telephone please?

I need a telephone please!
- I don't have one.

Lady, who exactly do you think I am?

- You motherfucker!

- Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa!

(men screaming)

Take it easy!
- Dude, I don't even know her!

- Motherfucker!

- Calm down, calm down!

- Can't we all be reasonable?
- Apparently not, Dev!

- You do not speak to her!

I'll kill you, you motherfucker!

- It's all right.

(sirens wailing)

- Let's just catch, all right?

- Nick, please.

Please, don't do this.

Come on.

- What's the deal with that?

- Fucking cromagnon.

- Aw, look at that.

Love is in bloom.

Isn't that nice?

- Aww.

- You know, this is the first time

in five fucking years I've
been to a fucking park in LA

and some fucking psycho has to attack me

completely at random.

I didn't do anything to deserve that.

- Hey, I wonder if they have

to do that to keep their
relationship alive.

- Yeah, like they have to do
that every week or something.

- Your neighborhood sucks.

- Well, that's why we moved here.

- Fucking nutcase.
- I know.

- You kinda gotta admire
his conviction though.

- Oh yeah.

- Oh, that's good malt liquor.

- So Tolliver man, you
still looking for a job?

- Dude, I'm applying everywhere.

I applied at Chess King today.

- Chess King?

- Gotta get out of this
rut, this giant fucking rut.

- Hey man, we're all in ruts.

It's like one huge rut-o-rama around here.

Tolliver here's in a rut, big ass rut.

- No sense in complaining about it though,

you just gotta make it
happen for yourself.

- Make, make it happen, make your future.

I'm a veg, Danny.

- This party's lame.

- At least they're playing REO Speedwagon.

- What's taking him so long?

- I don't know.

- Hey dudes, this party sucks.

They're playing REO Speedwagon in there.

- Hey Dev, are there any chicks?

- Let's just bolt.

- Maybe we can get a movie?

- We've seen everything.

- We'll find something.

- C'mon, let's boogie.

(elevator music)

- Clockwork Orange?

- Nah, forget it man.

We've seen everything.

God this is depressing.

Saturday night and we're
at the video store,

damn bunch of lonely guys.

- Hey, register's closing in two minutes.

Make your final selections

and bring them over to the counter.

- Okay.
- Yeah, I got your back.

- Hey, how about this one?

LA Heat. (hisses)

- Well, if we're gonna get that,

why don't we just get a real porno?

- Why not indeed?
- Do we dare?

- That's so crazy it just might work.

- Does anybody know any good ones?

- Hey, we're closing now.

- Dev, go pick one out.

- Me, why do I have to do it?

- C'mon, just do it, here, I'll help you.

(laughs)

- We got a good one, man.

- Tough choice.

- I think we got the best one.

- Thighs & Dolls?

- Killer title, huh?

- It was either that or
A Tale of Two Titties.

- Hey, I'm gonna get a couple more movies

and I'll meet you guys outside.

- Dev, are you gonna
call a few more people?

- Oh yeah, there were a couple people

that wanted to leave that party.

- Okay, let's see ah,
Gandhi, Ten Commandments,

uh-huh The Last Emperor
and Thighs & Dolls.

- Yeah, yeah that last one,

we're doing a research paper over at SC

on the effects of pornographic material

on males ages 22 to 28.

It's a real groundbreaking--
- $3.98.

- Nice selection, Tol.

- How was I supposed to know?

- I don't know, maybe
the fact that the words

lots of anal sex are
scrawled on the box in ink,

I mean, that might have been a hint.

- Really?

- Yeah, some guy just scrawled it there

and oh dude take off
that fucking hat, man.

- This is making me sick.

I can't eat anymore.

Somebody turn this off and
put on Ten Commandments.

- This has gotta be the all
time worst porno film ever.

Why didn't you guys get
an all lesbian outing?

- That's gross too.

- No, no it's not.

How can you say that?

- Guys, this storyline is really weak.

- And these actors, they're
not even remotely attractive.

- Yeah, they do look kind of greasy.

- Poor acting too.

- Look at these guys, they're disgusting.

I could probably do this.

- Why don't you then?

- Oh, you don't think I could?

- Oh, I think you could,

but you wouldn't be any more attractive

than these poor bastards.

(laughs)
- Yeah but you guys they

make a really lot of money.
- Yeah?

- Can we watch regular TV?

- We can't, we can't.

The buttons got smashed in the earthquake

and the only way you can
change channels is by remote.

And Harvey lost the remote last night,

so it's stuck on the Preview Channel.

- So, at least you know
what you're missing.

- Why don't you just turn the TV off?

(girl moaning)

- Dumb shit.

- Oh man, I've got a headache this big

and it's got unemployment
written all over it.

- Hey, you guys got any margarita mix?

- Yeah man, there's some
in the kitchen cabinet.

- Cool.

- We don't have any tequila
or anything like that though.

- That's okay.

- What are you gonna do,
just drink it like that?

- Yeah.

(doorbell rings)

- Who's that?

- I don't know.

Maybe it's the Prize Patrol,

I told them to notify me
at night in case I win.

- It's not the Prize Patrol.

- Yeah, you're gonna shit
a brick when it happens.

- Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna
shit a brick all right.

- Who is it, Prize Patrol?

- [Man] No, it's not the
Prize Patrol, you dolt.

- Well who is it?

- [Man] Open the fucking door.

- Fuck you, man!

I'm not gonna open the door
unless I know who it is.

- [Man] Would you just open the door?

- No.

(lock clinks)

- [Man] Oh, all right then,

I'll just come back later
then one of these days

and just kill all of you guys!

- Oh, you don't say?

- [Man] I'm gonna kill every
last one of you fuckers!

- Oh, you don't say?

- [Man] You're all dead!

- Hey man, who was that?
- I don't know.

He didn't say.

(raucous rock music)

- So man, you looking for another job?

- Yeah, but it seems like everyone's

got these unrealistic requirements.

- Yeah, I know what you mean man.

Like they want you to show up everyday.

Dude you don't want to get
locked into something like that.

- No, I honestly believe that the secrets

to all relationships can be answered

by the Rex Morgan, MD comic strip.

- Really?

Have you ever read Marianne Faithful?

- Is that a comic strip?

- Yeah, but I don't think

you can escape the fact that
most people our age are idiots.

- Yeah, but why single out our age group?

I mean, aren't most people idiots, period?

- Yeah, that's true.

But, what are we gonna do about it?

- Nothing.

I mean, what can you do?

- Exactly, you have to just
take each day as it comes,

thinking tomorrow's
going to be a better day.

- Yeah, whatever.

- Harry Hamlin is Perseus,

and I of course, am the claymation

stop-motion animation centaur.

And it goes a little something like this.

(group laughs)

- She came first, just before I did,

groaning deeply against my neck,

grinding her pubic bone against my--

- Golden Boy, shut up.

You're depressing me, man.

- There's all kinds of gauges
and dials and stuff ya know?

Because the Coast Guard
ain't as easy as it seems.

There's all kinds of pressure and--

- Hey, would you shut up
about that Coast Guard crap?

- You remember the last time

we had pizza and beer like this?

It was that crummy Oscar
party you guys gave.

Remember Tol?

Old Quinn here was matching you

slice for slice, beer for beer.

- I just had an off day, that's all.

- Oh, I don't know about that.

I believe Quinn here eats

about the most food I've ever seen.

- I've seen him eat fifteen
Zagnut bars in one sitting.

He'd eat this couch if
it was prepared right.

- I can eat 50 slices of pizza.

- Nobody can eat 50 slices of pizza.

- Well, you just said
he could eat this couch.

- Wait, have you ever
eaten 50 slices of pizza?

- Nobody ever ate 50 slices of pizza.

- Well, I believe we got a bet here.

- Hey, if my boy says he
can eat 50 slices of pizza,

he can eat 50 slices of pizza.

- Yeah, but in how long?

- 45 minutes.

- I believe I'll take
a part of that wager.

- Okay, I've got 20 right here.

- Oh, no no no no, c'mon
let's go for real money.

- All right, let's make it 100.

- Money in the bank.

- Hey, hey we'll cover
any and all bets here.

- All right, someone
order up some more pizzas.

And make damn sure

that they're plain
cheese with light sauce.

- Oh no no no!

C'mon, they should at least

have something on them, like pepperoni--

- No, no, plain with light sauce.

- Who says?
- I say.

I'm the syndicate covering all bets

and I'm his personal pizza orderer.

- Hey Quinn, 50 slices of pizza

is like 10 pounds or something.

I mean, a stomach can't take that.

It's gonna burst.

- He'll be fine.

- Hey, hey, one condition no puking.

If he draws sawdust, the bets are off.

- All right, all right.

- Why'd it have to be
50, why not 25 or 30?

- 50 just seemed like the right number.

- Okay, but why 45
minutes, why not an hour?

- You're right, that was a mistake.

- Hey Quinn, this is real
money we're talking about here.

I mean, we really don't
have this to lose, man.

Are you sure you can do this?

- Hell no, I'm not sure.

But it's something to do, ain't it?

- Who the hell are all these people?

- We heard it through the grapevine.

- You got it.
- Bring it on.

(crowd talking)

- You're high.

You're high.
- No way.

(crowd talking)

- What's going on?

- We gotta stretch that old belly out.

- What belly?

- You ready, champ?

You ready?

Go!

(crowd talking)

- C'mon, c'mon, fight through it.

You gotta want it.

You gotta want it, Quinn.

- [Man In Crowd] He's gonna
choke eating that fast.

- That's my baby.

(crowd talking)

Get mean!

They're just little old slices of pizza!

(crowd cheering)

- There you go, chew.
(crowd talking)

- Oh my God.

Oh my God.

He's finished.

- He's gonna throw up.

- I don't think he's gonna make it.

- This is really gross.

- Shh, shh.

(thumps stomach)

- That sounds like a water
balloon ready to burst.

I'm in for 25 more.

(crowd talking)

- 39.

- What's the time?

- He's got twelve more minutes.

- Just little old slices
of pizza there, Quinn.

You like pizza.

C'mon, you like pizza.

- I don't like it this much.

- I'm just motivating you, Quinn.

Just motivating you.

All right, you're doing great.

- He's swallowing, isn't he?
- Yeah, he is.

- C'mon, chew, chew!

Get mad at that pizza!

- Oh, c'mon, what, you
helping him chew now?

- Oh, shut up!

- Yeah, I'm helping him chew.

How can I help him chew?

- 10, nine, eight, seven.
- No way, no way.

- [Crowd] Six, five,
four, three, two, one!

- Yeah!

(crowd screams)

- No no, hold it, hold it, hold it!

He didn't finish the last one!

- Oh, yeah?

Take a look at that.

(crowd cheering)

- You got talent!

You got talent, boy!

You ought to be in a
freak show or something.

All right, I knew you could do it.

- Ah, excuse me there, Tolliver.

- [Man In Crowd] I'm a loser.

(whimsical music)

- Nobody can eat 50 slices of pizza.

(machine gun fire)

[sirens wailing)

- It's a nice statue, huh?

- Yeah, I think so.

- Amelia Earhart's from North Hollywood.

I didn't know that.

- Yeah, wonder if it was a
nice neighborhood back then?

- Probably not, that's
why she never came back.

- That's not very nice.

- Close friends of the
Earhart family, are you?

- No, but I do think she
was a remarkable woman.

- Oh yeah yeah me too, very remarkable.

You know I've always been
amazed and intrigued by flight.

- Do you fly?
- No.

I used to though, before,

before now, that is that I don't fly.

During the war I don't like
to talk about stuff like that.

- The war?
- Yeah, yeah.

Actually, I'm a USAir frequent flyer,

so it's thrilling nonetheless.

My name's Quinn.

- Tamara.

- Nice to meet you.

Do you live here in North Hollywood?

- Yeah, you?

- Oh yeah, yeah I love it.

It's got a real post
apocalyptic feel to it,

don't you think?
- Kind of bitter, aren't you?

- I believe bitterness builds character.

Have you lived here long?

- No.

Listen I have some errands to run.

- Oh, okay.
- No no no.

I'm, do you want to come with me?

We can talk in the car.

- Yeah, sure.
- Great.

- [Commercial Announcer] Are
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Do you have feelings of paranoia

and doubt mixed with
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coupled by long bouts of depression?

- Lady, you read me like a cheap novel.

- [Commercial Announcer] If you said yes

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You're not alone, you're just sad.

Like a bridge over troubled water,

we've got a session for your depression.

- Hi, I think I need some help.

(sirens wailing)

- Thank you so much,

I hope I'm not keeping you from anything.

- No, I literally have nothing else to do.

- [Tamara] I had so much fun today.

It was so great to finally
see some of the sights.

- Well, I'm not sure if

my spontaneous leftover
earthquake damage tour

qualifies as the sights, but
the 99 cent store was fun.

- [Tamara] Oh, I know!

Aren't you amazed at how
much junk we got there?

- Actually, I'm more amazed by the fact

that you let a complete stranger

who you met in the park back

to your apartment and in your car.

- I never do that, you know?

- Yeah, right.

So where do you stack the
bodies, in the closet?

- [Tamara] Hey now!

- So did you know that North Hollywood

is the devil-worshiping
capital of the world?

- So I've heard!

- 99 cent store, huh?

- Yeah.

You want something to drink?

Mr. Pibb, Ovaltine, yo Sunny D?

- Ah, no thanks.

Donna Summer, Starship,

Quiet Riot, Nelson?

Jesus, Wilson Phillips.

This is fucking awful.

Stryper?

- [Tamara] How you doing in there?

- Ah, ah, actually, you know what?

I gotta go.

- Really?
- Yeah, yeah.

- [Tamara] I thought you said
you weren't doing anything?

- Yeah, that was before I realized

that I had to do something.

- Oh, okay.

Well here let me just give you my number

and you can call, and we can go out

and have coffee sometime.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah
that'd be great you know

and ah, we can, I can call you tonight

as a matter of fact, I promise, I promise.

And we can chat.

And it'll be, it'll, it'll be fun.

- Remember this?

No little child wants to play
with a Charlie-in-the-Box!

- Wait.

The Bumble, after Hermy pulls his teeth.

(groans)

- Hey guys, what's up?

- Ah, nothing much.

Same old shit.

- Hey, you gonna take a dip?

- [Quinn] Nah.

- Aw, come on.

- What's up with you?

- Nothing, nothing.

I met a girl today.

- Really?

Where at?

Fuck.

- [Quinn] The park.

- Oh so there's sane
people in the park too?

- Yeah.

Well, I thought so,

that is until I saw her music collection.

I'm at her place, and dude,
it was all over the map.

There wasn't even a trace of
consistency in her bad taste.

Georgia Satellites, Vixen,
Vanilla Ice, Gloria Gaynor,

terrible, terrible thing to witness.

I mean, here's this
beautiful, really nice girl

and I can't go out with her.

I mean, I don't consider
myself a shallow person,

but I'm sorry, how can I go out with

someone who not only listens to Poison,

but also Lionel Richie?

Who admires Whitesnake and yet finds

the mellow sounds of Kenny
G hypnotic and bewitching?

- She actually said that?

- Well, no.

I kinda threw that last part in there,

but you know what I mean, you
gotta draw the line somewhere.

- Well, yeah you're only human after all.

- [Quinn] Tell me about it.

- So, we called up Tolliver today.

Told him I was the manager of Chess King.

I told him to come in for
an interview on Sunday.

Told him to ask for Tad Birchwood.

We're gonna follow him and
videotape the whole thing.

- How seventh gradish of you.

- Wanna come along?

- Yeah, yeah, sure.

What the hell else am I gonna do?

- Man, I wish I had a social life.

Maybe we should become junkies.

- Yeah, that'd be good,

except you'd need money for drugs

and frankly I'm not that fond of drugs.

I'd rather have food

and if you're gonna be a real junkie

you have to be willing to
make that trade off, so.

- Well, you make an interesting point.

- [Quinn] Besides, how much closer

to the junkie lifestyle
can you get than this?

- Well, you'd have drugs.

- Yeah, but besides the drugs?

- I don't know.

Maybe we could have fun.

(phone rings)

Santa's workshop.

Hold on a minute, please.

- Hello?

Yeah, this is him.

Oh yeah, yeah, that's right.

Yeah, where would I have to go?

Okay.

What time should I be there?

Nine, well how about 8:45?

Yeah, it sounds great.

Yeah, okay.

Thanks a lot.

All right, bye.

Got a job, buddy.

- Quinn, honey, you hardly
touched your unemployment.

- No need, got a great gig

with this producer guy, Saul Berry.

- Where's it at?

- It's in Van Nuys.

- Ah, Van Nuys, mwah!

- Well, what's he produce?

- I don't know.

Maybe it's like really good
films or something, you know?

I can work my way into the business, huh?

- Yeah, that'd be great.

Quinn, if you could just get me a donut

and a cup of coffee that'd be terrific.

- Yeah, that'd be great.
- Yeah

- I'm really amazed at all of this.

I mean, I just can't believe this.

- I'm telling you, Saul.

There isn't an easier or a better way

to lose weight and stay in shape.

- Okay, hold on a second,
Timmy, are you saying

that the Timmy Biggs Weight
Loss and Fitness System

is the easiest and cheapest
way to achieve amazing results?

- That's absolutely right, Saul!

And you know what?

It only takes one 15
minute workout a week.

That's all!

You'll be amazed at the result!

People are gonna look at
you in a whole new way.

And you know what, you'll
actually be a better person.

- So this system will actually
make you more popular too?

- That's exactly right, Saul!

And I'll tell you what

it's only four easy
installments of $69.99!

I mean look, a gym membership of 20 years,

that's gonna run you upwards of $10,000!

I'm actually saving you $9,720 dollars!

It's amazing and it's just that simple!

- That's amazing!

Audience, isn't that amazing?!

- Yeah!

(claps)

- And cut!

- Oh, that fucking sucked!

Jesus, where's my cigarette?

I swear that guy's head's
gonna fucking explode

and probably ruin my clothes.

Light the thing.

Who the hell's this, Joel?

- Saul, this is Quinn Whiteman.

He's gonna be your special assistant.

- Quinn Whiteman?

With a name like Whiteman,
you gotta be boring.

My name's Saul Berry, a
name you'll never forget.

I'm rising kid and fast.

Someday soon, I'm gonna be known

as the King of Infomercials.

I'm gonna rule the airways.

Anyway, Joel here will
let you know your duties.

And I'm not a hard man,

but if you fuck up,
Whiteman, I'll kill you.

Not literally, of
course, but figuratively,

I will see to it that you
never work in show biz again.

And I'm quite serious
about that, ask anyone.

All right, I'm outta here.

- What a dick.

- Aw shit!

Aw fuck!

Damn it.

(hair dryer blowing)

Still getting bigger.

- Well, how do you like that

I'll be King of the Infomercial line?

- He must be proud, it's kind of like

saying I'll be King of Gonorrhea.

- Well, here it is, Saul's Jag.

He loves this car.

You'll be in charge of taking
it to get cleaned and waxed.

He has a boat too in
Marina del Rey, same shit.

Well, here he comes now,
with his other love.

(raucous rock music)

- Hey guy.

How do you like my Jag?

Take a look at that
baby, ain't she a beaut?

It's got an all Connolly leather interior,

it's got a custom, hand-carved,
genuine walnut dash,

CD player, car phone, the works.

Putting a lot of faith in you
to take care of this for me.

You should feel privileged
to wash this car.

- Hey, I feel privileged
just looking at it.

- Good, that's the spirit.

You know, you work hard enough,

someday you might have a car like this.

And my boat, too.

Did Joel here tell you the good news?

- What, that I'm going to be washing it?

- Yeah.

- Then yes, he told me the good news.

- Are you being sarcastic?

- No, absolutely not.

- Good, because I can't
stand fucking sarcasm.

I just won't have it.

It has no place in the
infomercial business.

You dig?

- I hear you.

- Look Whiteman, I checked up on you

and you need this job.

At least to prove that
you can hold onto one

for more than two weeks.

So I demand absolute respect from you.

Because I can just get an
intern to do this job for free.

So don't fuck with me,

or I swear I'll crush your balls so hard,

you'll think you've been

ah, you'll think you've been

you'll just hurt real bad, okay?

So you can be sure of that, ask anyone.

- Yes, sir.
- Good!

Well, I'm out of here.

Joel, fill him in on the rest
of his duties, won't you?

Have a good weekend.

- Oh, don't worry.

I plan on having a delicious weekend.

- And this baby, I can't
even let you wash this one,

that's how special it is.

If I can just keep the damn
Mexicans from breaking into it.

(laughs) Hey, I kid, I
kid the Spanish people.

Actually, I love them.

You know, I've been trying to get

Erik Estrada for an
infomercial I want to do,

but he's always all booked up.

You know, you guys, you
might think that these cars

and my boat are all I
live for, but they're not.

You know, there's only one lady in my life

and she's the infomercial.

She's all I know.

And what more to life is there
than the actual living of it?

So hey good night boys, peace, love.

(tires screeching)

- Yeah, okay Socrates.

("Belly of the Whale"
by Burning Sensations)

♪ It gets so lonely in
the belly of the whale ♪

♪ You wanna know you belong here
but you've only got trapped ♪

♪ Hey oh oh, oh oh oh oh ♪

♪ Don't you feel like Jonah
in the belly of the whale ♪

♪ Oh oh, oh oh oh oh ♪

♪ But I say now, if we swim faster ♪

♪ We're sure to come back ♪

- Hello, Harvey Davenport here.

- [Woman] Harvey Davenport?

- This is the one-time,
all-good-time party machine.

- [Phylis] This is Phylis Dickle with

the California Depression Institute.

You inquired about our workshop?

- Yes, I'm sinking fast.

And if my participation
can help just one person,

it'll be worth it.

The money's not important.

- Hey.

- Oh, hey.

How are you doing?

- I thought you were supposed
to call me last night?

- You know, I was going to,

but I can't remember why I couldn't call.

- You weren't gonna call.

- No, I was gonna, I--

- No, I could tell,

as soon as I gave you my
number, you weren't gonna call.

- You know, I could stand
here and make up excuses,

but I'm not going to do that.

To be honest, I think you're really

nice and smart, and pretty, but--

- So what's the problem?

- It's your taste in music.

It's terrible.

It's probably the worst I've ever seen.

- You don't even know my taste in music.

- Hey, I saw your CD collection.

- That is not my CD collection, you idiot!

That's my roommate's!

- I thought you said you lived alone?

- No, I said I wished I lived alone.

- Huh.

I'm sorry.

- No. (laughs)

Oh.

Quinn, this is my roommate, Midol.

- Midol?

- Yeah.

- I'm gonna go change.

- You know, that's a heck of
a CD collection you got there.

So Midol, what you eating, cold ravioli?

- Yeah, you got a problem with that?

I eat cold ravioli, so fucking what?

- No, no, I think it takes

a real special kind of
lady to eat it like that.

- Thanks.

- So what do you do?

- Right now?

Sitting back collecting a
settlement from a car accident.

- Really?

You know, my roommate's
waiting for a settlement.

Except his lawyer sucks, I
mean it's taking forever.

- Mine was done in a flash.

My uncle's a lawyer,
he got me a good deal.

Lots of cash, real quick like.

- You know, I bet Harvey

would be real interested
to talk to your uncle.

- He's the best.

I got him working on my sexual
harassment case right now.

- Do you think maybe you
can give me the number?

- Nah, he's pretty exclusive, maybe later.

I don't even know this Harvey guy.

He might not even have a case.

- Oh, he's got a case.

- Do you have to get all the pus out

before it can scab over properly?

- Yeah, yeah, I think so.

- So what's the story here?

Are you having an enlargement
or something like that?

- No no no, look, this is
just a routine checkup, okay?

- Dude, we're in a dick
doctor's office, here.

I mean, who are you trying to fool?

What are you, getting one of
those metal rods or something?

- Hey, would you just keep it down?

Look this is just a checkup, alright?

- Harvey Davenport?

- Yeah, that's me.

- Doctor's ready to see you.

- Okay.

- Please follow me.

(elevator music)

- So what seems to be the problem?

- Let me ask you something,

do you guys ever use those things?

- No.

- Can I have a drag off of that?

- Sure.

- I have a growth problem.

- A growth like a cancerous growth?

- No no nothing like that

this is kind of hard to explain.

- Well, show me what you're talking about.

- Yeah.

(coughs)

- That's pretty amazing.

I've never seen that before.

It could be Epididymitis Elephantiasis.

It's a type of elephantiasis.

Have you been using any growth stimulants

or anything like that?

- No, no nothing.

- Well, it should stop growing soon.

I can't imagine it getting any bigger.

- Could it have anything
to do with the fact

that I haven't had sex in
like a really long time?

Does it save up or something?

Could that be it?

- No no.

You know you might be
able to join a freak show.

- That's a good point, I could join a hey!

- I'm kidding, I'm kidding, of course.

You know, if I could just
isolate this problem,

I could be a very rich man.

- Look doctor, this is
not something I think

is a good thing, do you understand that?

- Quite frankly, I don't
see a downside to it.

I mean, think about it,

you could really take
advantage of this thing.

You ever thought about that?

(cartoon music)

- That's it, Hong Kong Phooey,
don't you take that shit.

Hey.

- Oh, hey.

Tamara, this is Harvey, my roommate.

- Hi, it's nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you.

So what have you guys been doing?

- Just a little romantic dinner

down by the La Brea Tar Pits.

- Say, that is romantic.

- Yeah, I've never been there before.

My only frame of reference was

that Laverne & Shirley episode,

you know, where they get stuck in it?

- Oh cripes, yeah, that
happens all the time.

- Hey, it happened to us.
- Hey, hey.

- So Tamara, Quinn tells me
something about your roommate,

and she got some kind of a settlement.

What was that all about?

- Oh, yeah, that was auto.

She's got a sexual harassment
case going right now.

- Someone tell me what the
hell that guy was thinking.

- Anyway, Tamara, maybe
I could get together

with your roommate sometime

and discuss how she got her settlement?

- Oh, yeah, that'd be great.

You know what?

We can go out on a double date

and that way you can get a
chance to talk to her then.

- Yeah, okay.
- Great, great.

Yeah well, I'll talk to you later.

- Talk to you later.

- Do you have any protection?

- Yeah yeah.

Oh shit!

- What's wrong?

- I cut the damn condom.

- Don't you have another one?

- I think so, yeah, yeah.

They come in packages of three.

And I got these almost
about two years ago,

so there should be another one.

I'll be right back.

(cartoon music)

Hey.

- What up, home skillet?

- Do you have any condoms?

- Nah man.

- Why not?

- I'm practicing abstinence, man.

- Do you have any on reserve,
for when you might go back?

- Nah dude.

I don't want to get my hopes up.

- I'm sorry.

I'll be right back.

- Okay.

(upbeat pop music)

- So looks like you're
in a bit of a hurry.

- Yeah, I'm kind of pressed for time.

- Yeah, I remember when I
used to have a love life.

That was before the thresher accident.

- Ah, do you take credit cards?

- Credit cards?

No.

- Why not?

- I don't know.

We just don't.

- Alright, I'll tell you what.

Hold these for me.

I'll be right back.

(sirens wailing)

(upbeat pop music)

- Hand over the cash, friend!

- You gotta be kidding me.

- We never kid.

We just make a living.

- No, guys, this is not a living.

This is wrong.

It's not too late to change your ways.

You can start tonight.

- Shut the hell up.

- You couldn't have picked a worse time.

- Well, is there ever a
good time to get robbed?

- Yeah, when is the optimum
time to get held up?

- When?

I'll tell you when.

Not when you're about to get laid

for the first time since
the Ford Administration

and you don't have any condoms

and you go out to buy some

and you don't have any money,

and you go to an ATM machine,
and you get fucking robbed.

That's when.

Any other time would be fine.

But please, guys, I'm
begging you, not now.

- Hold on.

- You want to cut the guy some slack?

- I don't know.

- The guy's about to get laid, man.

- He is about to get laid.

Okay.

- All right, we've talked it over

and we do feel bad for you.

It's a tough situation.

But you gotta understand
that we got a job to do!

- I respect that guys,
I really do, but c'mon.

(beeper beeping)

- Is that your beeper?

Is that your fucking beeper?

- Well, I cannot control when
people are going to call me!

- Well, why do you have it
turned on when we're doing a job?

- Can we discuss this later?

- Oh, I think we will.

- All right, I'll tell
you what we're gonna do

how much are the condoms?

- They're like five something.

- All right, let's call it six bucks.

- How much are you carrying?

- I just took out a 20.

- That's all you have?

- Look, what do you
want from me, all right?

- All right, hold it, 20 minus six is--

- It's about--
- It's 12.

No, it's like 16.
- It's not 16.

- I suck at math.

- Yeah, I was never good at math either.

- I know, I used to have to write down

all the theorems and shit
on my hands in Geometry.

- Yeah, I did that too because
you couldn't remember--

- All right, hold it.

Give us a 20 and we'll
give you back six dollars.

- Yeah, that's fair.

- Hey, that's fine with me.

- So who was it?

- I think it was my agent.

- No shit?

- Yeah, I think I might have
an audition or something.

- We should call them
as soon as we're done.

- Yeah, all right, all right.

- Oh.

Hold this for a second?

- Yeah, sure.

That's nice.

What is that?

- It's wool.

You like it?

- Six bucks.

Hey, you see that?

There's no reason why we
can't all work together.

- People helping people,
you know what I mean?

- The world would be a much
better place, you know?

- I hear you brother.

- Well, thanks a lot, guys.

I mean, I really appreciate it.

- Hey, it was the least we could do.

- One last tip though.

You might want to not use the
flashlight during the hold up.

It kinda draws attention to the robbery.

- Oh, yeah yeah thanks
for the advice, man.

- Okay man, take it easy.

All right later.

- Take care, man.

- Oh no no no, c'mon!

Don't do this to me!

- No no.

- C'mon, please, please.

C'mon!

C'mon, please?

- Say pretty please.

Say it!

(moans)

Okay.

$6.05.

- I only have six.

- Well looks like you're out of luck.

Ah, I'm just kidding.

You can owe me.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Tamara, sweetie?

I told you I wouldn't be long.

See, I got them.

Honey bun?

I told you I'd be right back.

- Oh yeah.

Well, you missed Hong Kong Phooey,

but Mystery Science Theater
is coming on in five minutes.

(whistles)

♪ The Skipper too and all the rest! ♪

- How's it going?

- Oh, it's going fabulous.

- All right.

- So you know where everything is.

- Mm-hmm.

- You have the keys to ignition.

You're supposed to start the engine

about half hour, each
time you come down here.

- Oh, so I have to start up the boat?

- Yeah, that'd be great.

- All right.

- Okay?
- Okay.

- Buh-bye.
- All right.

Hey ma, I'm working in Hollywood.

(jet engine roars)

- Ow!

- What the hell are you doing?

- You ever wonder where
all those people are going?

- No, but I'm pretty sure
it's a better place than this.

- I mean, I always imagine everyone

on those planes is just
chucking everything.

Just getting away from all
the bullshit, you know?

- Well, don't kid yourself, sunshine.

They're all going to
face the same bullshit,

just in a different place.

- Look at this place, man.

It's full on a Tuesday.

I mean don't these people have jobs?

- Yeah, I know.

It's like a retirement community,

except everyone's in their 20s.

- It's ridiculous.

- Hey don't you have a job, man?

- Oh shit!

Yeah, you ever feel like
life is passing you by?

- Like a tumbleweed on
a desert road, buddy.

- Shit!
- Oh boy, you're going down.

- I'm taking you with me, buddy.

I'm taking you with me.
- No wait a minute.

- I got another envelope from
Publisher's Clearinghouse.

- You'll probably never win, you know.

- I think I'm ready to accept that.

You know, I'm not even
gonna send this one in.

I'm just gonna pitch it.

- I still send mine in.

- Oh yeah, me too.

I mean, you never know.

- You gotta play to win.

- You just said no one will ever win.

- No no no, I said you'll
probably never win.

- Sup.

- Where you been?

Wanking really?

- Oh yeah.

- How did it go?

- Same as always.

Afterwards, you can't quite
get used to the nagging guilt.

- Hey, you guys ever feel like
the days are getting longer?

- I dunno, considering I
get up at the crack of noon,

the days can't be long enough.

- Oh, hey Quinn, we're
going down to Danke tonight.

Golden Boy knows the bartender,
said he'll hook us up.

- I can't.

I gotta get up early for work.

- Work?

- Man, you can't let that rule your life.

You should just quit.

- Easy for you to say.

I mean, you can't just quit your job

at the drop of a hat, you know?

You talk about having a
career and stuff like that.

But it's not gonna come up
and bite you on the ass.

I mean, you have to go
out and make it happen.

- Easy there, Slick.

- I mean, there's a
little thing called money

which helps us live like this.

- There's that word again.

- Yeah, don't go buying into everything

the man says about having
money and all that shit.

- That's right, there's a little thing

I like to call cash advance.

- All I ever hear you guys complain about

is not having a job, and not having money

but I'll tell you something,
it's true, isn't it?

You don't really want a job.

- No, we just want the money.

- Well, you need a job to get it.

See, I'm glad to have this job.

I'm thankful.

I feel like I'm doing something.

I'm not worthless.

I'm ecstatic about it.

I'm happy to be working!

- Fucking hate this job, man.

I wish I could quit.

- You can.

I probably will soon.

I might just move back home.

- Really why?

- I got in an accident the other day.

It's my fault.

I don't have any insurance

and this fucking guy's gonna sue me.

- Oh man, it sucks to be you.

- You don't even know.

I mean, look around here.

I'm schlepping tapes back
and forth for this jerk?

I have a degree, from Rutgers!

- Really?

Like a doctorate?

- No, bachelor's.

- Oh, well no wonder.

- Anyway, at least if I
move back with my parents,

I'll be out of this sewer.

- I should just quit too, you know that?

I mean, I have no direction.

I just always let things happen to me.

- You're a reactor.

You react.

- Exactly.

I mean, I guess I'm just weak.

I should just quit.

- Hey, Whiteman, Quinn!

Where the hell are you?

You know, I need these shoes cleaned.

It's very fine leather.

And it's very important that
they receive the proper care.

So don't fuck up.

- Yes, Mr. Berry.

- Excuse me.

- Huh?

- Are you with Berryvision?

- Oh yeah, I work directly for Saul Berry.

- Oh, so you work for Mr. Berry?

- Uh huh.

- My name is Liz.

I'm auditioning for the
part of the Juice Girl.

You know, for the Juicercizer?

- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Do you have any pull?

- Well, ah, I'm trusted with many things.

- [Liz] So, do you help Mr.
Berry make all the decisions?

- [Quinn] Today, I'm just
going to buff his shoes.

- Whiteman?

What the hell are you doing?

Can't you see I'm still walking around

in these fucking socks?

Now get those shoes done, pronto!

Chop chop, Hop Sing!

- Ah, Saul Berry, this is Liz.

She's auditioning for the
part of the Juice Girl.

Yeah, I don't know if you have

like a series of callbacks or something.

I don't know how that works.

So, if you want to--
- Yeah.

- Pleasure to meet you, Mr. Berry.

- Oh, no no no.

The pleasure is all mine.

I mean you know the Juice Girl

is a highly sought after part.

And well, there's going to
be a lot of competition.

- Well, I'm prepared to go as far

as I have to for this role.

- Mm, make sure I'm not
disturbed during this audition.

- Yeah, yeah.

These people make me sick.

Juice Girl my ass.

(pig squealing)

- Hey, Quinn.

- Hey, Carl, what's in the box?

- What?

Another reject, from Berry's line of

Blowbee Haircutting Systems.

- What are you gonna do with it?

- Throw it out.

- Can I have it?

- Why?

- I'm sure it's fine,

it's probably just cosmetic
damage or something.

- It's all yours man.

- All right, thanks.

(suspenseful music)

- Hey man.

- Hey man.

Check this out.

I got another pre-approved

credit card application in the mail.

Listen to this, as you know,

we only offer membership to those

who have achieved a certain
measure of financial success.

Ah, the bitter irony.

- So, what's in the box?

- Oh, I got this from work.

It's a Blowbee.

You know, one of those
hair cutting things?

Gives you a perfect cut every time.

- Really?

- Yeah, never have to
pay for a haircut again.

- Huh.

This isn't going to be like

that scene in Wayne's World, is it?

- I don't know.

I never saw Wayne's World.

- So just how's this
thing supposed to work?

- Well, you just hook it
up to a vacuum cleaner,

put one of these attachment
thingies on and voila!

Free haircuts.

- You know, I'm not exactly spending

a lot on haircuts right now.

- So?

With this thing you won't
be spending anything.

It's free.

- You sure you're supposed to hook

that thing up to a vacuum cleaner?

- That's what it said in the instructions.

- Yeah, but that's a Shop-Vac.

I mean, that's like industrial
strength or something.

- Don't you think I know what I'm doing?

- No I don't.

Look just be careful, okay?

- Just shut up and let me do this.

(vacuum whirs)

(screams)
(dramatic thriller music)

- Fucker!

- Well, how was I supposed to know?

- Quinn.

- Stuckey's.

- Quinn?

- Knock it off.

- Are we there yet?

- Stop touching me.

- Where are we going?

- Get away!

- I'm hungry!

- Oh, look at that.

Look out Melrose!

Magnolia Boulevard is soon to arrive!

Yeah, I'm real sure the
proprietors on Melrose

are just quaking in their
boots with the thought

that they might have to compete
with such establishments

as Used Stuff and Pedro's Taco House.

- Hey man, are you denigrating

the fine merchants of Magnolia Boulevard?

- Yes, I am.

- You know you got bird
shit all over your car.

- So Midol,

Harvey here's got some
litigation pending too, you know?

- So I've heard.

Look are we gonna eat or what?

- Yeah.
- Hey whoa!

Wait a second, who's this guy behind me?

God, he's huge.

- Oh shit, it's the guy from the park!

- What the hell is that?

- Hold on, I'll lose him.

- God, get away from here.

- I think, I think, yeah,
he's gone, he's gone.

So, ah, Harvey, where do you wanna eat?

- Man, I could care less.

- Hey, I know this place on Vineland,

it's supposed to be really good.

- Oh, really?

Well, let's go there.

- Rawr!

- Hey, hey!

Drive the car, car!

- Sorry, sorry.
- Drive car.

- Why don't you guys get a room next time?

- Why don't you take off your hat?

- No thanks.

- Well, you can't go into a restaurant

with a baseball hat on.

- Of course you can.

- Give me that hat!

- Hey!

Get off!

- Whoa!

(screams)

- It's all right.

We'll be alright.

Sorry about that guys.

- Oh that is it.

That is it.

I am out of this car.

- Hey!
- Hey!

No!

- Where's she going?

(bagpipes playing Amazing Grace)

- The name's MacGregor!

Would you like to hear some
romantic tunes on the pipes?

- You're not really Scottish, are you?

- No.

- Are you sure this is the right place?

- That's what I was told.

- House of Haggis?

- No, I hear it's good.

- I think there's gum on my seat.

- So Midol think your uncle
might be able to take my case?

- I'd have to know the
details of your case.

- Well we have all night.

- I hope this place has raviolis.

- She likes ravioli, huh?

- Yeah.

Our entire apartment stinks of it.

What?

- I don't know, I think I love you.

- What are you, David
Cassidy or something?

It's only been a couple of weeks.

- Well, that's why I said I think.

- This place doesn't have shit.

- I'm not really hungry.

- Isn't it strange?

- What?

- Well, just how we're all sitting here

in this time and place

and how we find ourselves
in certain situations,

when we look back on them years later,

you wonder how you got
there and what it all means.

- What the fuck are you talking about?

- I don't know.

- So you're ready to order now?

- Yeah what's good here?

- Well, we got all kinds of haggis.

And we got a special blood sausage pot pie

that's really great.

It's made with a special salsa sauce,

it gives it a sort of a Mexican flair.

- I think we're gonna
need a few minutes here.

- Okay, take your time.

- I don't even know what half
the shit on this menu is.

- Why don't you just relax?

- Eat me, Gamera.

- The name is Tamara.

- C'mon ladies.

- Oh shut up!

- I know what you mean.

- You do?

- Yeah, I mean it's like,

why am I in this place with
these people in this setting?

There are so many different directions

that our lives can take.

The intricacies are staggering.

- It really is beyond our understanding.

I mean, I do think
there's a certain beauty

to the complex web of human behavior

and how we all pass through the universe.

I mean, it's almost awe-inspiring.

- Give me that hat!

- Get off me, you bitch!

- Give it, give it!

(dramatic orchestral music)

- Gah!

Oh, God, I'm depressed!

I'm so depressed!

Oh, hey where are you guys taking me?

- [Orderly] You're going to be all right.

- I'm so depressed,
where are you taking me?!

- It's okay.
(moans)

- Oh God!

- I'm Helen Holden, I spoke
with you on the phone.

And this is Doctor Charles Caulfield.

- Hello Harvey.

- What's his problem?

- Oh, that's Big Chuck.

He's so depressed he can't even speak.

He's our star volunteer.

- Huh.

- Just relax, Mr. Davenport.

Why don't you take off your hat?

- No, that's okay!

I'm sorry, I'm a little nervous.

- Well, there's no reason to be nervous

that is, unless you're lying to us.

(laughs)

- Does that ever happen?

- No, not really.

- So Harvey, why don't you
tell us why you're depressed.

- Well, I suppose it all
began many years ago.

- So this is fairly deep rooted?

- Oh yeah, my depression goes way back.

When I was a kid, I used to wear

a black robe and carry a sickle.

And I would yell out at the other kids,

what's the point to all of this?

You're all going to die.

You're fooling yourselves!

Life is nothing but a
big, miserable existence.

- Oh, that is just precious.

- And how old were you?

- Eight, nine.

- A prodigy.

- Yeah yeah yeah, The Stained
Cross is gonna be great!

Yeah, yeah, I gotta go, okay.

Goddamn it, Whiteman!

If you can't hack this
job, look somewhere else!

Maybe you're just not cut out

for the entertainment business.

You know, the infomercial's an art form,

yes, but it's also a business

and it has to be run like clockwork!

So when one cog falls out of place you,

it upsets the whole balance?

You understand, comprende?

- Ah, yes, Mr. Berry.

- You know, the problem
with all you slackers is?

It's your bitterness at your inability

to achieve upward mobility.

You Generation Xers are just so wrapped up

in the environment and
the Internet and the MTV

and a bunch of other nonsense

that detaches you from
the rest of the world.

- I'll try to do better, Mr. Berry.

- Don't just try, do it!

I, Saul Berry, as the
King of the Infomercial,

cannot accept substandard
employee aptitude.

Now go clean my bathroom!

Get me Don Abernathy, yeah.

(hard rock music)

- Why are you doing this to me?

- Please, sir!

- We're trying to gauge
your level of depression.

- Look, I'm depressed!

Let me outta here!

- And how about this one, Harvey?

- [Harvey] I see a guy being stabbed

in the back of the head with a dagger.

- Okay and how about this one?

- I see the bloody deaths of wooly sheep.

I see the senseless slaughter
of innocent civilians

at the hands of those who would force us

to suppress our true emotions.

I see pain.

- What kind of sheep did you say?

Wooly?
- Wooly.

- Wooly?
- Yeah, wooly.

- What else do you see?

- I don't know.

Maybe some butterflies and shit?

- Those guys at Chess
King are fucking psychos.

What time is it?

- It's almost seven.

- In the morning?

So how long's Harvey gonna be there?

- I think he said like
a week or something.

I can't remember.

- How much does it pay?

- 500 bucks.

Maybe a thousand, I'm not sure.

- Maybe we should do that.

- I don't know.

- Forget about that boys.

I just came across the
opportunity of a lifetime.

Friend of mine calls me up last night,

says he's got two friends

who just moved here looking
to score some stuff.

- Wait, you're talking drugs, right?

- No, I'm talking furniture, you dolt.

Yes, I'm talking drugs.

Anyhow, I get the idea that these guys

don't know crack cocaine from
the crack in their asses.

So I say, yeah, we'll hook these guys up.

Even before I know what I wanna do,

the wheels in my mind
are starting to grind.

- That's never a good sign with you, Tol.

- Hey Tol, you're talking serious drugs?

- Yeah, they don't know
what they're doing.

- Neither do we.

- Yeah, but they're dumb.

They're from Texas.

- That doesn't mean anything.

- Hey I've been through Texas.

- What are you crazy?

What are we gonna sell them fake drugs?

- [Tolliver] You hit the nail
right on the head, my friend.

I mean it's a cool two grand.

I could pocket it myself,

but I wanted to let you guys in on it.

- [Quinn] I don't know.

The karma coming back on this one

can't possibly be any good.

- [Devereaux] Yeah, sounds
kind of wrong to me too.

- [Tolliver] Oh c'mon.

I mean, taking drugs is supposedly wrong.

We'll be doing these guys a favor.

We're looking out for their welfare.

- [Quinn] I don't know man.

- Quinn, seriously.

Ask yourself I mean,

what are ethics and whose
standards do we follow?

I mean, Hitler and Gandhi were separated

by a much finer line than you might think.

At what point does this line thin out

and at what point does that line mirror

either side of ethical behavior?

I mean, think about it.

- You boys are next for
your pre-lobotomy test.

- [Harvey] Oh, no thanks, I do my own.

- Yeah, sure.

- [Devereaux] Calcium,
phosphorus, niaciein notium?

- Look at this it's like
a giant wire mesh breast.

Maybe like a B cup or I
don't know a C cup probably?

I don't know, I haven't
seen one in awhile.

Wait, how about this one?

I'm giant one-eyed fly man.

- Yeah, that's good, Quinn.

- So, what, it's just flour
and asprin, is that it?

Are you sure?

- Mm-hmm.
- Huh.

Hey Dev, throw a couple more in there.

Frappe it up real nice,
puree it if you have to.

- These guys are really dumb, right?

- That's what I hear.

Quinn, sift another
bag as fine as you can.

I gotta go take a leak.

- All right man.

- Hey man what the fuck was
he talking about earlier?

Hitler and Gandhi?

He lost me nanoseconds into that speech.

- I hear you man.

I tell you, the money's
why I'm doing this.

It may not be smart

and it may not be wise

and it may not be right,

but I'm the product of a school

with a weighted grading system

and that's just the way it is.

- You're walking Tolliver's thin line.

- Aren't we all?

- I don't know, Big Chuck,

I feel kinda bad being here
when I'm not really depressed.

I see all you guys and I start thinking,

am I doing the right thing?

I mean, I don't expect
you to understand this,

but in some weird way, I'm
as happy as I've ever been.

I mean here among all of
you truly depressed people.

I don't know.

You want some gum?

- Mm, Juicy Fruit.

(Harvey laughs)

- God damn it, Chuck.

You fooled them all!

You're not really
depressed either, are you?

You son of a bitch!

You fooled them all, Chuck!

(sirens wailing)

- Shouldn't these guys
have been here by now?

- Not necessarily, Quinn.

You forget, they're stupid.

- Frankly, I think we're a
little stupid for doing this.

- Oh really?

Do you want to make more money?

Sure we all do.

I mean, this is one sale

two guys we're never gonna see again.

It's clockwork, man.

- It's Clockwork Orange is what it is.

- Okay, shut up.

I think this is them.

(sirens wailing)

- Hal Linden.
- What?

- Hal Linden.

- What are you talking about?

- That's the code.

- I didn't know anything about a code.

- Me neither.

- What code?

- Look, didn't Tony tell you
there was gonna be a code?

- Oh yeah.

Now that you mention it,

I think he did say something about that

but I don't know what.

- Ah, yeah.

What was it again?

- I told you these guys were stupid.

I was supposed to say
Hal Linden which I did.

And then you were supposed
to say Barney Miller.

- Yeah, that's right Barney Miller!

What does that mean?

- Barney Miller was a TV show in the 70s.

Hal Linden was the actor who played him.

I was supposed to say the actor's name

and then you say the character's name.

Tony should have told you this.

- Well he might have man, but I forgot.

- So these are the guys then, right?

- I sure the hell hope so.

- This is the drug deal, right?

- Shh!

You don't know who's around here!

You never know who's around here!

- We're getting coke today, Jimmy?

Aren't we?

- You're from Texas?

You don't sound like it.

- Yeah man.

I'm from Austin, but we're
a little bohemian there.

Jimmy here, he's from Houston.

That's real Texas.

- [Quinn] So how do
you like our fair city?

- It sucks.

- Yeah, it does suck, doesn't it?

- Hey thrilling conversation guys!

Can we get on with this?

- All right, let's see the stuff.

- Here it is.

Now, I gotta tell you up front,

this stuff isn't real premium,
that's why it's so cheap.

- You boys ain't gotta
worry see we know our coke.

- You do?

- Let's see the money.

- All right, man.

It's all there if you wanna count it.

- That won't be necessary.

Well, I guess that's it then.

- Y'all just give us a sec

and let us give it a taste.

Hey man.

Hey man!

- This is good shit, man!

- Hey man, this is fucking flour!

Hey!

- [Druggie] You're right, this is flour!

(whimsical music)

- [Announcer] Mintos, das freshmaker!

- So, when's Midol coming back?

- Not for a couple of hours.

She's at her MENSA meeting.

- What is that MENSA?

- I think it's a group of huge egos

that are trying to take over the world.

- Now, I thought that was the Freemasons

or the Trilateral Commission.

- I don't know.

Why can't people just be?

I mean, everyone has an agenda.

- You're not like that though.

- No.

Neither are you.

- Ever feel like just chucking everything?

Just getting away from all the crap?

- What crap are you referring to exactly?

- I don't know I mean the
absurdness of society.

I mean doesn't it seem like

everyone's just going in circles?

That there's no point to anything we do?

I don't know.

I guess I'm just lame.

- I don't know.

People let themselves become occupied.

Days go by and turn into entire lifetimes.

And when it's all over,

there's some guy standing
there in a white robe

and he asks you what you did.

And you say I worked at
an insurance company,

five days a week, eight hours a day

and I never painted pictures.

- [Quinn] Yeah or my boss
yelled at me everyday

and I washed his car and waxed his shoes.

- I guess there are regrets,

but most people don't think
about life's big questions.

It's entirely understandable.

- [Quinn] I guess so.

(sirens wailing)

(elevator music)

- Hey Rosebud!

The register's closing!

- Can you just give me a few minutes?

- One minute!

(door rattles)

(sirens wailing)

- All right, this is a hold up!

I want all the money in a bag!

- What money?

Business is terrible!

- My heart bleeds for you.

Now, I know you got some
money in the drawer,

now open it up!

- Okay, okay.

You want it in a bag?

- Yeah, in a bag.

Quit stalling!

Ow, ow, geez, ow, ow!

- Oh my God, I beat a man
senseless with Pippi Longstocking.

- Wow.

Thanks man.

Free rentals for a
year, except on weekends

and none of the new releases, wow.

- Edwin Gross, to attend college
and become a NASA engineer,

works at Golf N' Stuff.

Sandy Gussmeyer, to attend college

and launch a successful clothing company.

Community college, now a hooker.

Jeff Hall, to attend
college and become a doctor.

No college, janitorial
assistant in Reseda.

- Hey Quinn, how long are
you gonna go on with that?

- [Quinn] Until I go through
my entire graduating class.

- It's really starting
to bring me down, man.

- Yeah me too man.

Anything good ever happen
to your classmates?

- Let's see, let's see nope.

As far as I know, it's a perfect
unbroken chain of losers.

Let's see, Valerie Hansen,

to attend Nursing School,
become a nurse, and help people.

- Wait a minute, let me
guess works at a car wash?

- No, she is a nurse.

- Hey, Harvey!

- Hey, how's it going, guys?

- So how was it?

- Well, it was okay,

but they found me out
towards the end though.

- What, that you weren't really depressed?

- Yeah.

- How'd they do that?

- Well, I let my guard down

and they caught me in an upbeat mood.

- That sucks.

- Yeah, so anyway, I'm not gonna get paid.

Now I have to sue them
if I wanna get my money.

- Man, I am sick of litigation.

- Oh, speaking of that,

there's a letter here from your lawyer.

- You know, I've been feeling
kinda depressed lately.

Maybe I should go to that clinic.

Want to come?

- Hold me.

- Well, looks like I'm not
gonna get my settlement.

- Nothing?

- The big buckeye, buddy.

- And there was some here,
a little around here.

And the last time you left

wax residue around the wheel well.

Don't let that happen again!

Jesus, you're lucky I've even let you

keep this job for so long.

(sirens wailing)

- What the hell's wrong with you?

One more fuck up and you're
outta here, you hear me?

All right.

- Ah, Mr. Berry, Don Abernathy called.

- Don Abernathy?

That's more like it!

Now, remember what I said

about the wax around the wheel well.

- Yes, Mr. Berry.

- Are you being sarcastic?
- No.

- Aw Jesus!

Now, go on and get out of here,

and don't forget to pick up
my dry cleaning, alright?

- Fuck it.

(raucous rock music up)

- It's time for you to put
this to your advantage.

C-A-R-P-E D-I-E-M

(upbeat rock music)

♪ You may wonder at the mountains ♪

♪ You may wonder at the sky ♪

♪ You may wonder if the river runs ♪

♪ To ever come by ♪

- Tamara, it's Quinn, hi.

How's work?

Yeah, I thought you might say that.

Look, I need you to meet me

at 1645 San Fernando
Road in about 20 minutes.

I know I know, but it's
really, really important.

Yeah, it's not actually on San Fernando.

There's like a side road that
leads back to a big warehouse.

Just take that and I'll meet you

in the parking lot, all right?

Okay and Tamara, I love you.

Hello?

Hans?

Tag.

(speaking foreign language)

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Hi.

Well she's a sweet ride, huh?

No doubt about that.

- Too nice.

I'd feel almost bad cutting it up.

- Well then sell it whole, guys.

Because I don't want it, you know?

The guy just gave it to me, all right?

- All right.

(speaking foreign language)

- All right, all right.

Let me do the talking.
- No, I do the talking.

Why do you always get to do the talking?

- I'll do the talking.
- Just do it.

- Well, it's loaded all
right, but I don't know--

- 5,000.

- Five?

How, how about 10?

- Eight.

(speaking foreign language)

Huh huh?

- All right.
- All right.

(sirens wailing)

(car engine sputtering)

- We're going somewhere!

- Well, I can't go anywhere.

I have to get back to work.

- Not today.

C'mon, let's go.

- I don't understand.

What's going on?

- You don't have to know anything.

You must not know.

We're just going.

- What is this, a kidnapping?

- Well, more or less, yes.

It's a mercy kidnapping.

- Oh, so this is for my own good?

- Yeah, mine too.

But let's just go, let's go.

C'mon, c'mon.

- Okay.

(calm music)

- Wait a second.

We're going on a boat?

- Yeah.

- I can't.

I have to get back to work.

- Have to?

- All right but as long
as I'm back by tomorrow.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever c'mon.

- Whose boat is this?

- What this boat?

It's, oh, it's mine.

Yeah, it's a great day to
set sail, don't you think?

- You can't run away
from the world, you know?

- Yeah but you can try
and make it a good chase.

(calm rock music)

♪ Where would I be without your love ♪

♪ Where would I be without your love ♪

(sirens wailing)

- See anything?
- I've seen everything,

that's the problem.

- [Store Clerk] Oh, Jesus!

Why do you guys always
come in at closing time?

- We'll be out in a minute.

- Hey, I tried Harvey and Quinn's
house again the other day.

- And?

What's up with those guys, man?

It's like they've disappeared.

- I know, it's been like weeks.

It's strange how people

can just lose touch out here, you know?

- Yeah, they're never home.

Has it really been weeks?

- I think they moved.

- You know you can't let
it bother you, you know?

It's like friendships manifest
themselves in strange ways.

I'm sure we'll hear from them again.

- Yeah.

Holy shit!

- What is it?

Hugh G. Rection, so what?

Who wants to see that?

- No, you idiot, that's Harvey!

- What?
- Look!

- [Devereaux] Holy shit, that is Harvey!

- I told you!

- Maybe he can get us chicks?

(calm rock music)

♪ Slipping away ♪

♪ Slipping away ♪

♪ She had a dream ♪

♪ She had a master plan ♪

♪ There was no price she wouldn't take ♪

♪ But soon reality was all she knew ♪

♪ She found her dream had gone astray ♪

♪ It's cold and lonely out there ♪

♪ And you just can't face the pain ♪

♪ And you wonder where you are ♪

♪ I'll be there beside you ♪

♪ But your life goes on and on ♪

♪ And no one can keep you
from you and your dreams ♪

♪ They're slipping away ♪

♪ Slipping away ♪

♪ Slipping away ♪

♪ You turn on your back on
those who care for you ♪

♪ You wonder where it went so wrong ♪

♪ There's no one there to
wipe the tears you cry ♪

♪ It falls apart and you're all alone ♪

♪ It's cold and lonely out there ♪

♪ And you just can't face the pain ♪

♪ And you wonder where you are ♪

♪ I'll be there beside you ♪

♪ But you say this path is long ♪

♪ You want to reach out for my hand ♪

♪ And you wonder who you are ♪

♪ I'm right there beside you ♪

♪ And your dreams are all long gone ♪

♪ There's no escape
for you and your life ♪

♪ It's slipping away ♪

♪ Slipping away ♪

♪ Slipping away ♪

♪ Slipping away ♪

♪ Slipping away ♪

♪ Slipping away ♪

(sirens wailing)
(retro cop show music)

(car engine sputtering)