Night Shift (1982) - full transcript

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(female #1)
'Please, man, can you
give me a dollar?'

(male #1)
'Hey! You're going
the wrong way!'

Franklin!

(male #2)
'Hey, the hell's
wrong with you?'

'You bastard.'

'Hey! You alright?'

- Who's that?
- Your mama.

Ha ha ha!

Whoo!

Franklin,
you forgot your coat.

I'm getting ready
to dunk on you.



Man, you couldn't
dunk doughnuts.

- A dollar.
- You got it.

- Step aside, chump.
- Huh.

- Huh.
- Huh.

Ah!

Pay up, sucker.

♪ Frankie out on the street ♪

♪ Working late again ♪

Dead. I'm alive.
I won the game.

He didn't pay me the dollar
that he owes me.

♪ They call you cat's eye ♪

♪ Down on the corner ♪

♪ They call you Mr. Flash ♪

♪ They got some ladies ♪



♪ Who never see the light ♪

♪ And I'll work you ♪

♪ When the day is through ♪

♪ On the night shift ♪

♪ And I'll comfort you ♪

♪ And I'll love you too ♪

♪ On the night shift ♪

♪ You won't ever
wanna see the sun ♪

♪ When I'm done with you ♪

♪ Whoa ♪

♪ You won't ever
wanna see the sun ♪

♪ When I'm done with you ♪

♪ Done with you ♪

♪ Hey hotshot ♪

♪ Out on the street ♪

♪ Playin' one on one ♪

♪ You know you shoot
much better at night ♪

♪ You gotta joker ♪

♪ Down on the corner ♪

♪ And you cannot be shamed ♪

♪ He got some new tricks ♪

♪ He never show them the light ♪

♪ And I'll work you ♪

♪ When the day is through ♪

♪ On the night shift ♪

♪ And I'll comfort you ♪

♪ And I'll love you too ♪

♪ On the night shift ♪

♪ And I'll work with you ♪

♪ And I'll sleep with you ♪

♪ On the night shift ♪

♪ And I'll fill you up ♪

♪ Till the sun comes up ♪

♪ All night
on the night shift ♪

♪ And I'll work ♪♪

Oh, Christ.

Do you recognize
this man

as Franklin Delano
Roosevelt Jones?

Yes.

What was your, uh, relationship
with the deceased?

- He was my Avon lady.
- Oh, give me a break.

Give me a break. You think this
is a thrilling morning for me?

Huh? Eat an Egg McMuffin
and look at a dead guy?

- Look, honey, I, I--
- Hey, I'm not your honey.

It's Belinda.

As a matter of fact,
it's Ms. Keaton.

Ha ha ha, are you
listening to this?

- Hmm?
- She's a whore.

- Hello.
- Ha...hi.

'And this guy here
was her pimp.'

And he wasn't paying off
somebody like he was supposed to

so somebody made him
kiss the sidewalk.

- Can I close the drawer now?
- Sure.

Thank you.

Alright, now, can you tell me
who sent him to pimp heaven?

Oh, sure, now can you
kiss my ass?

For how much?

Is someone going
to pick up Mr. Jones?

'Cause we sure could
use the space.

You got it, sport.

Sir, could you sign
right here?

- Um, excuse me?
- Yeah.

Franklin once told me

that he wanted
to be buried in his car.

- We don't do that.
- Oh.

You'd probably have to call
the, uh, funeral home

or the Department
of Motor Vehicles.

- Don't I know you?
- Uh, no. Umm.

Yeah, I do. I do.

No. Um, I couldn't.
I wouldn't.

I'm engaged.

Uh, here's a picture of
my fiance, Charlotte.

Well, the picture
doesn't do her justice.

She's suffering
from water build-up.

Hey, I thought
I knew you.

Lot of guys
have my face.

This is my mom.

- You okay, Chuck?
- Yeah.

Thanks for waiting
around.

- I'm gonna take off, alright.
- See you tomorrow.

Goodnight.

Hi, Mr. Carboni.

Hey, ain't you
going home, Chuck?

Oh, Hector's an hour late.
It's seven o'clock.

Well, uh, Hector's
been transferred.

Oh, you're getting
a new night man?

Yeah, well,
not exactly.

Starting tomorrow you're
going on night shift, Chuck.

Night shift? I started
on night shift.

I'm here six years. I'm thought
I was getting a raise.

You going to make
trouble about this?

No. I just didn't--

Are you going to go
over my head?

Night shift?

Hey, Chuckie, baby.

Chuckie! Come on,
night shift's better, huh.

There's no supervisors around.
You practically run the place.

You like to read,
it's quiet here at night.

It's quiet here
during the day, sir.

Good. It's settled.
See you tomorrow night.

You'll be breaking
in a new partner..

...a Bill something
or other.

- Mr. Carboni.
- Huh?

- Who has my job?
- Oh, uh..

Right here.
It's right on here.

- Mr. Carboni.
- Huh?

He seems to have the same
last name you do.

Oh, yeah, I-I think
he's my nephew.

I-I'll see you, Chuck.

Well, that's just wonderful.

And what am I supposed
to be doing every night

while you're working?

- I'll be home days.
- I work days.

- All normal people work days.
- Should I have quit?

Want me to go right
down there--

Why are you
asking me, Chuck?

I don't know why you work
there in the first place.

Your mother says you're
a financial wizard.

Why do you listen
to my mother?

This is the same woman
who goes to a seance

every Friday night
since my father died

just so she can
still yell at him.

How long will you
be on there?

- Until the wedding.
- That's 9 months.

Don't you want me
to look good?

I think you look good now.

And I think you're the sweetest
man in the world.

Come here.

Ow!

Wait up, man.
Hey, wait up.

Every day.

(female #2)
'You're going
the wrong way.'

'Oh, my God.'

- Are you the night guy?
- Yes.

Oh, hi. How you doing?
I'm Leonard Carboni.

What a pleasure
to meet you, Leonard.

- How was your first day?
- Shitty.

- Lot of paperwork and stuff.
- I see.

But Uncle Sal said you'd
straighten it all out.

Fine.

♪ Jumpin jack flash ♪♪

Hi.

How are you doing?

I'm Bill Blazejowski.
You call me Billy Blaze.

You must be Chuck, right?
Nice shoes.

Hey, this is alright.

Guess this is where
I'm gonna be working.

I'm your new partner.
Ha ha ha, whew!

Swish! Ah, they're going
crazy in the arena!

'They can't believe it.
It's unbelievable.'

This is great.
What's our job?

We, like, drive around pick up
stiffs, or what?

'Is that what we're
supposed to do?'

Hey, Chuck, who's this?
Wife?

- Uh, fiance.
- Ah.

Nice frame.

Yeah, okay, we can make stuff,
we can read, coffee.

This is great.
I like it.

You wondering why I carry
this tape recorder?

It's to tape things.

See, I'm an idea man,
Chuck, alright?

'I get ideas all day long.
'I can't control them.'

It's like they come
charging in and I..

...I can't even fight them,
if I want to, you know? Ah!

So, I say 'em in here and that
way I never forget them.

See what I'm saying?
Okay, here's an example.

Watch out.
Stand back.

This is Bill.
Idea to eliminate garbage.

Edible paper.

See?
Eat it, it's gone.

Eat it, it's out of there.
No garbage.

I got everything in here.
Business ideas, inventions

musicals, there are a couple
of musicals in here.

Would you like to see
the rest of the office?

Yeah.
Hey, you want a snickers?

- No, thank you.
- It's not frozen.

- 'My refrigerator broke.'
- I understand.

- Where you from, Chuck?
- I'm from Cleveland.

Well, I'm originally
from Seattle

but I just came here
from Cleveland.

- And, this is our lab.
- Yeah, it's nice.

Get this. I'm living
with this chick, right?

I come home one night, I catch
her in bed with another girl.

I was "No," I couldn't
believe it, you know.

She went lesbo on me
like that. Unbelievable.

I just finish eating my dinner.
I walk right outta there.

- What you think, was I wrong?
- Oh, that's very personal..

What's in here,
just stiffs and stuff?

- Huh, no, we call them corpses.
- Can I take a peek?

- Sure.
- Alright.

- I think this one is--
- Hey, this Carboni guy.

What's he like our boss,
or what?

No, no, he's the supervisor.
He's not here at night.

No, get out of town!

Just you and me
and the stiffs alone here?

That's gonna be radical,
Chuck!

That guy's dead!

- Charlotte?
- 'Yes?'

You've been in there
half an hour. Are you okay?

- 'I'm fat.'
- You're not fat.

- 'I'm fat!'
- This is my one night off.

I look forward
to this all week.

Why don't you
come to bed?

'I just wanna lose
six more pounds.'

Tonight?

Why don't you
run into bed?

Maybe you'll lose some
pounds along the way.

'Alright, Chuck.
Just don't look at me.'

- Okay.
- 'Are the lights out?'

- Yeah.
- 'Are the lights out, Chuck?'

Yes. Yes!

- Could you close the drapes?
- Sure.

Could you just check
the apartment?

Why do I have to check
the apartment every time?

Choo-choo, please, if you check
the apartment, then I can relax.

Okay.

'Ha! Nobody here!'

Grrr.

Are-are you excited?

Like the French
when Lindbergh landed.

- Am I fat?
- Uh-uh!

- Am I fat?
- You're a willow.

You're a reed.
You're Audrey Hepburn.

- Chuck?
- You're not fat.

- That music.
- What music?

- That music.
- What music?

Chuck!

It's just a little loud music.

Well, it bothers me.

You see, you let too many
things bother you

that way you'll never
have an org--

Don't you
say that word!

It's silly.
I'm-I'm sorry.

(male #3)
'Who the hell is that?'

- Did you knock on that door?
- Uh..

- Well?
- Mistake.

It's a very big mistake.

(female #3)
'Luke, who is it?'

Some dwarf.

- Thank you.
- What's taking so long?

Is he going to stop
playing that awful music?

- We were just getting to that--
- What's she mean "awful music?"

Awful good.
She meant awful good.

Uh, Luke, why don't, uh,
why don't you go back inside?

I'll be right in. Okay?

Go play with your rope.

Don't be long now.

Sorry. We'll, uh,
we'll keep it down, okay?

I knew I recognized you!

Last week at the morgue,
remember?

I knew I recognized you.

I'd probably seen you in
the building when I moved in.

- You live here?
- Yeah, yeah.

Oh, but don't worry.
Luke is leaving town tomorrow

with the rodeo and I, uh,
hardly ever do business up here.

What kind of business
are they doing?

- Uh, she sells cowboy hats.
- The man was in his underwear.

And, uh, cowboy underwear.

Belinda, come on, darlin'.
Haul it in here now.

Oh, okay.
I'll be right in.

I've gotta go.
We'll keep it down.

See you around, neighbor.

Well, I took care of that.
Let's go back inside.

I think I should go home.

Why? They said
they'll keep it down.

When did you
get fully dressed?

It wasn't going to be
any good tonight, anyway.

I feel so guilty.

I cheated today.

- You're kidding.
- I had a Nestle's Crunch bar.

Food.

I feel like dirt.
I'm really sorry, Chuck.

No one else would be this
patient with me.

I-I'll see you
next Sunday.

(Bill)
'Hey, Chuck, food came.'

'You owe me $3.'

'Chuck, I'm really getting good
at remembering these cards.'

21. Gee.
Well, I tell you, Chuck.

This weekend is it.

This weekend,
I go to Atlantic City

and I do nothing but play
blackjack straight through.

I'm not even gonna get a room.

I'm just gonna get those
wash 'n drys, you know.

Did I tell you
I thought of them first?

Only they already had 'em.

Twenty one.
What's the matter?

Oh, I ordered egg salad.
They sent me tuna fish.

Every night, they send you
the wrong food and you eat it.

Send it back.
Get what you want.

They get angry if you complain.
You know, that's alright.

The chef has a lot
on his mind.

Like what,
curing cancer?

Hmm.

Wait a minute.

Hold the phone.
I got it.

Oh, you're going
to cure cancer.

No. Tuna fish.

What if you mix mayonnaise

right in the can
with the tuna fish?

Hold it. Hold it.
Wait a minute, Chuck.

Take live tuna fish
and feed them mayonnaise.

Oh, this is good.

Call Starkist.
This is great.

Wall Street Journal?
What do you read this for?

What's the matter
with The Enquirer?

Oh, that interests me. I used
to be an investment counselor.

- No kidding?
- Yeah.

- What's that?
- Uh, it's like a stockbroker.

So, uh, what are you doing
babysitting stiffs?

Are you a drinker,
big drinker?

'No.'

Ah, toothead, doper,
nose candy, coke?

- No.
- Come on.

That's a very rough job.

I would shape up a deal
over two months

and another man would come right
in and take all the credit.

I just needed a place
that was quiet, that's all.

I'm in a
transitional period.

Eh, what kind of
a paper is this?

There's no sports, there's no
comics, there's no Ann Landers.

- 'Hello.'
- Yes? Can I help you?

Yes, um, I'm looking
for a Mr. Blazejowski.

Yea-hoo!
Hey.

- I-I'm, I'm Jefferey Durkin.
- You sure are.

How you doing, Jeff?

You got money for me?
Some Cash? Do-re-mi?

- Yeah, 20 bucks, right?
- Twenty bucks. Thanks. Ha.

Hey, listen wait outside while
I'm getting the car, alright?

- Sure.
- Alright, bud. There you go.

Nice tux.
Good fit.

I don't want to be a buttinsky
but what exactly is going on?

I dunno, some kind of debutante
ball out on the island.

Kid wants me to take him
and his girlfriend.

And you're gonna take one
of the morgue vehicles?

Yeah, it's a limo,
right?

- It's a limo for dead people.
- Did you see that kid?

Wait a minute,
are you telling me

that every night you leave here,
this is what you do?

No, not every night. There's not
a debutante ball every night.

I do weddings,
or bar mitzvahs

or just get down and
cruise the airport.

The other night, picked up
these Japanese guys..

...$400 from the airport
to the UN.

Diplomats!
You're ripping off diplomats.

Here. It's a $100.

- What is this for?
- 'Okay, big time, let's roll.'

'Rock n roll.'

- Uh, Bill?
- 'Ha?'

What happens
if we get a call

you know, if we have to go
and pick up a body?

Hey, I'll be back.

What's the matter,
by the time I get there

they won't be
dead anymore?

Hey, kid,
you like music?

- Sure.
- Good.

♪ Jumpin' jack flash
He's a ga gas gas ♪

♪ Yeah ♪♪

'Okay, Hoppy.
Lead the way.'

'Oh, Pebbles.
Daddy's home.'

'Oh, no, no.
Back, boy. Back, boy.'

'Down, boy.
Down, boy.'

- Good evening, Leonard.
- Oh, hi, Mr. Lumley.

Oh, that Barney Rubble.

What an actor!

Oh, listen, we got some bodies
in the wrong drawers

but Uncle Sal said--

I would
straighten it out.

Goodnight, Mr. Lumley.

♪ Flintstone
Meet them Flintstone ♪

♪ They're the modern
stone-age family ♪

♪ From the town of Bedrock ♪

♪ They're a page
right out of history ♪♪

"Name of the deceased.

Something Polish."

Hi, Chuck. Hey, just saw
that jerky Leonard kid.

How come we don't have TV?

- Want to hear about my weekend?
- No.

You know, I've been working on
my blackjack system, right?

Alright, so...I get down to
Atlantic City this weekend.

And I'm sitting in the casino
with my wash 'n drys.

Did I tell you I had the idea
for them, first?

Anyway I was sitting there
and playing blackjack, right?

They bar me.
They bar me.

I'm out. I'm barred. I can't get
in now. Right? You know why?

- Being too good a player.
- How much did you win?

Well, you know, I was down
a couple of hundred

but they could tell
I was good, you know.

They looked at me. And they
threw me out. They barred me.

So, they start dealing me
off the bottom.

I can tell when they do that.

So I get up and I yelled
at the dealer, right.

So, he goes over
to the pit boss.

So, I threw my complimentary
worned out drink

right in his fat face.

So they barred me for being
too good a player.

Think I'll go to Vegas
next week.

I wish you would shut up.

Vegas knows how to treat you
right, you know, Chuck.

'Cause its got broads,
you know, Wayne Newton.

Got him. He's an Indian.
Did you know that?

Would you do me a favor.

Would you please shut up?

- You telling me to shut up?
- I'm telling you to shut up.

I'm.. I'll tell your recorder,
so that you don't forget.

Hello. This is Chuck,
to remind Bill to shut up!

You know,
this used to be

such a quiet place
before you got here.

You talk too much.

Edible paper, feeding
mayonnaise to tuna fish.

I will give you a quarter
if you just stop talking.

Thank you.

I thought
we were friends.

(male voice on recorder)
'Hello, this is Chuck'

'to remind Bill
to shut up!'

'Hello, this is Chuck'

'to remind Bill
to shut up!'

'Hello, this is Chuck'

'to remind Bill
to shut up!'

'Bill to shut up!'

'Hello, this is Chuck'

'to remind Bill
to shut up!'

'Bill to shut up!'

'To shut up!'

'Shut up!'

- Sorry that I yelled at you.
- 'To shut..'

You think it's
been easy on me?

I come in here, I'm the new guy
with no friends.

I confide in you my whole life.

I tell you my deepest,
most intimate stuff.

You share anything with me?

I see a picture of
your fiance, every day.

You didn't even
tell me her name.

- Gave you $100.
- I didn't ask for it.

That's what made it such
a beautiful gesture on my part.

Never mind, forget it.

We'll work together every night
like strangers.

That's fine with me.

Charlotte.

What?

My fiance's name is Charlotte.

Oh, my God.

Oh, hi, Chuck.

What happened, did you fall
down? Did somebody hit you?

It's the other way around.

Somebody hit me
and then I fell down.

Wish I had my handkerchief,
I always have my handkerchief--

Uh, I got a tissue
in my purse.

No, no, no, no.
Please, let me do it.

Hi, listen, do you
have a handkerchief?

- Mugger! Mugger!
- No, I need your handkerchief.

No! Oh, no, no.

No!

Thank you.

You know, this was
the first time

I was ever beaten up by
a bunch of Bluebells.

I didn't like it.

How are you?

Oh, I'm great.

Four pounds of make up, they'll
never know the difference.

Can I ask you a question?

I wouldn't do it with the guy
until he...paid me.

So...he beat me up.

That's what happens
when you don't have a pimp.

Some guys figure
why should they pay?

That guy in the morgue,
he was your pimp, right?

Yeah

A lot of Franklin's ladies
are in the same boat.

We could find
another pimp, but..

...some of those guys
are real rough.

Get the girls hooked on dope.

Drugs or beat-up,
it's a nice choice.

You could do something
different, you're very bright.

Is head okay, because, uh..

...I'm real tired.

Oh, yeah, I'm fine.
Thank you.

Thanks very much.

I hope everything
turns out alright.

- See you in the halls.
- Yeah.

Ouch!

(Chuck)
'Go back home. No, no!'

So she was just lying there
in the elevator?

She was all beat up.

See, that's why they have pimps.

You know, that's what she said.

She knows this whole bunch of

girlfriends that need pimps.

I really hope they find
someone trustworthy.

- Ha ha ha, are you crazy?
- No.

Those guys are killers.

They're animals.

They dress nice though.

Wait a minute.
Hold the phone, Chuck.

We got all that space
down at the morgue.

All those cars, all that time
at night, nobody watchin' us.

We could handle things
for your next-door neighbor

and all her girlfriends
right out of the morgue!

Pimps?

Are you saying
we should become pimps?

"Pimps" is an ugly word.

We could call ourselves
"lovebrokers."

This is my stop, you
think about it, okay?

I really think this
is the one, Chuck.

I am excited about this,
I mean it.

This is it, I think.

Lovebrokers.

Lovebrokers, ha ha ha.

You and me, buddy!

You're over the rainbow, pal.

Lovebrokers.

- Hi, Chuck.
- Hi.

Uh, listen, last week,
when you helped me

I think I got a little rude
right before you left.

Oh, no, you didn't.
Oh, no.

Well, anyway.

Um. I noticed that
you and I come home

from work at the same time
every day.

I thought maybe we might start
having breakfast together.

You got any eggs?

I practically have
a whole dairy in here.

Great.

Ah, gee,
your place is beautiful!

And it's warm!
My place is freezing.

And you got a kitchen, huh?
And you got eggs.

Uh, how do you like your eggs?

- Uh, scrambled.
- Of course!

- Men love scrambled.
- I didn't know that.

- Yeah.
- Men love scrambled.

Oh!

Chuck, does the window open?

Oh, no, I-I'm real sorry,
it's painted shut.

Makes sense, doesn't it?

That's where the fire escape is.

Is there a-a vent
or a fan or anything?

Oh, no, I'm real sorry,
that room just catches

all the heat in the morning.

It's okay.

Well, you know,
it's worse in the summer.

My God!

Uh, I'll put my robe back on.

Uh, no, no, don't.

Uh, what I mean is..

...that you should
be comfortable.

Uh, I am.

Okay.

I'll get that.
It's probably for me.

Hello.

Charlotte.

Why'd you call me?

What's the matter?

You ate what?

Well, that's okay,
just don't do it again.

'What do you mean,
what am I doing?'

'I'm not doing anything.'

Well, of course
I sound strange

if you call me up early
in the morning and you say

what am I doing and
I'm not doing anything.

Oh, my God.

I just stepped on a tack.

Yeah. I love you too.

Eggs comin' right up.

You know, I was thinking

about the last time
that we were together.

And I was wondering..

...have-have you been able
to find, you know, a, um..

- A pimp?
- Yeah.

No.

I have to, though.

- This way's too dangerous.
- Yeah.

- Lupe, she's my friend.
- Yeah.

She got her arm broke last week.

What a sick world!

Yeah. Thank God.

You know, we could do
this every morning.

At least until you
get tired of eggs.

Boy, it is hot in here.

You got any bread?

I'm sorry, I must've left
my money at home.

It's in my other pants, I think.

There you go.
$4.90 of $5?

Keep the dime,
it's alright.

I'll take these.
Come on.

- They gave me the wrong bread.
- Ah?

I asked for for wheat,
they gave me white.

So send it back. Hey,
you gave him white bread.

No, don't make a fuss,
don't make a fuss.

My mother said, you send it
back, the chef spits on it.

- Really?
- Turkey, turkey!

Come get your turkeys.

(Bill)
'Immoral?'

What do you mean, immoral?

As a matter of fact,
prostitution is

probably one of the most
moral things in the world.

How did you figure that out?

Simple. You take a guy.

He's in from out of town.
Let's say that guy.

'Okay, he's in from out of town
and he's here on business.'

Alright, he's waiting for his
wife, and two or three children.

Hey, he's got urges, alright.

Let's say he goes in
to see this picture.

Which, by the way,
is not a bad movie.

Anyway, let's say this
picture stimulates his, uh..

Urges.

Good word. Alright.

Now, he's on the street
again, right?

Okay, he is a loaded pistol.

He's like
Mount St. Helens, alright.

Who walks by, but a Girl Scout
swinging her cookies?

Her little cookies.
Girl Scouts of America

he goes bananas,
he's on her like mud on a pig.

That wouldn't have happened
if he'd gone to a hooker, right?

So, you call that moral?
He goes jumps on a Girl Scout

and breaks her cookies,
you call that moral?

You figured that all out
just by yourself?

I have that kind of mind, yeah.

Yes, you do, Bill.
Yes, you do.

So let's do it!

Okay now?

Yeah, nice.

But isn't this
a little high, Angelo?

That's the way I always do it.

- You like it that way.
- I do?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, alright, I do.

- Hi! How you doin'?
- Hi. Alright.

Hey, Chuck, what are you,
like, getting a haircut?

No, I just like wearing sheets.

Hey, look at this,
what'd I tell you?

"Girl Scout attacked."

In the paper, right there.

- Could I see that again?
- Yeah.

Right there.
"Girl Scout attacked."

"Girl Scout attacked by dog."

"Dog." A guy from out of town,
what's the difference, Chuck?

There's a very big difference.

One carries an attache case,
the other urinates on a tree.

Hey, what are you doin' here?
What is this? A haircut?

You call that.. Look at these
sideburns. Even them out!

Man's gonna have a razor in his
hands, let us not get him angry.

Chuck, I know, but you've
got a sideburn up here.

- Another down Fort Lauderdale.
- He is a seasoned professional.

Do you want your friend

Belinda working for
one of those animals?

You want her to be,
what, Ms. Heroin, 1982?

Charlotte's parents are
coming in for Thanksgiving.

I really need to
get this haircut.

Oh, yeah. You know. You know.

Yeah, that's it.
Get the haircut.

Get all your hair cut.

All you ever think
about is yourself.

You don't care about
what happens to me.

You don't care what
happens to Belinda.

You don't care what happens
to the Girl Scouts of America!

America! I'm fed up, man.
I'm fed up with you.

I wash my hands
and my feet of you.

Trim that!

(Chuck)
'Mr. and Mrs. Koogle,
would you care for a drink?'

Mrs. Koogle and I do not drink.

Of course.

So, how do you like
our fair city?

Oh, we don't.

Well, perhaps if you drank,
you would.

Mom? Is dinner almost ready?

Turkey's almost dead.

Hello.

Hi, Happy Thanksgiving.

- Arrested?
- Chuck, I'm really sorry.

I-I called the landlady
and she wasn't home.

They've taking me
into night court, and

all my ID, and all my money
are in my apartment.

(both women)
Oh, beautiful.

Belinda. This is not
a good evening for me.

My entire family is here
for Thanksgiving.

Chuck, please!

Franklin used to take care
of all these things.

I don't know what
they're gonna do to me.

Okay. Okay.

Don't cry. I'll be there
as soon as I can get there.

Okay. Thanks.

Thanks a lot.

Bye-bye.

Have you seen the lights
out at night?

No wonder this
city's going broke.

Ha ha ha ha.

I have to go out, and
I'll be back in a minute, okay?

What? Where're you going?

You absolutely didn't
have to come with me.

I would've been home
in 10 minutes.

Well, we had the rental car,
paid an arm and a leg for it.

Might as well use it.
You wanna 'scuse me, sonny.

I wanna know
why she called you.

She's my neighbor.

Excuse me.

(Judge)
'Uh, next case.'

That's his neighbor.

Belinda Keaton, you are charged
with prostitution and assault.

Not guilty, Your Honor.

- Not guilty?
- Not guilty.

Not guilty? Your Honor,
this woman's a menace.

Uh, you are one
Howard, uh, Pelekoudas?

Yes, sir. I'm the victim.

You're an asshole.

Be that as it may,
uh, can we proceed?

Mr. Pelekoudas and I had just
completed a business transaction

at which point, Mr. Pelekoudas
attempted to forcibly exact

a refund when services
had already been rendered.

- Tried to grab his money back.
- Yeah.

Yes, that's when
she assaulted me.

Mr. Pelekoudas, uh, you look

unmarked, undamaged
to me in any manner.

Oh, yeah?

Well, feast your eyes on this.

(Howard)
'Exhibit A! She bit me!'

What about my feelings?

'What about my feelings?'

You wanna know what
really steams my bean?

They let that strumpet
right back out on the street.

You're moving
outta that building.

Absolutely.

Why are you friends
with that girl?

She's my neighbor.

She happens to be
a very nice girl.

Oh, but she's a Harlot.

- Now wait a minute--
- You stay out of it.

Let me tell you
something, Charlotte.

When you get married, you're
going to have to handle him

just the way
I handled his father.

(Mr. Koogle)
Damn potholes.

You alright, Rose?

If it wasn't for me,
his father would have done

any old thing he pleased.

You know what he wanted to do?

Make furniture. By hand!

Don't worry, Mr. and Mrs.
Koogle, I straightened out Al

and together, we'll all
straighten out Chuck.

(Mr. Koogle)
'You alright, Rose?'

Bill?

- Bill?
- Hey, my bud!

I have to tell you
something very important.

Come on in.

How'd you get in, Chuck?

This is a, uh,
security building.

I'm gonna have to
talk to that guy.

(Bill screaming)
'Yeeaah, way to go!'

What are we really
talking about here?

Huh?

What's the essence...of what
we're talking about?

I'll spell it out for
you if I have to.

Prostitution!

Prostitution.

Hey, we can say it.

We're big kids now, right?

You know, a lot of times
it'll help you

to understand a word
if you break it down.

So let's do that now, shall we?

"Pros."

Doesn't mean anything.
Forget about that.

"Tit." I think we all know
what that means.

"Tu." Okay, "tu."

And "tion," of course,
from the, um, Latin..

..."to shun."

Say, "No. Uh-uh. Thank you
anyway, I don't want it."

"To push away."

Doesn't even belong
in this word, really

so let's get rid of that.

You know, um..

...if I could take
a moment here, uh..

...and I mean this,
what I'm about to say.

I feel a lot of love
in this room.

I don't know, maybe it's me,
but I'll you something

it was here a minute ago.

And, uh, it was
really beautiful.

So at this moment I think
it's important that I see

all of your breasts.

Or I don't have to.
I don't see your breasts.

Come on, let's get out of here,
this guy's no pimp, he's a wimp.

Hey, come on, you guys.
Give him a chance, come back!

Is this a joke?

You're missing
"The Donahue Show."

I had you on
"The Donahue Show," booked!

Chuck? You've gotta tell 'em.

Now, just tell 'em
like you told me.

How would you ladies
like to earn

ten times the amount of
money you earn now?

I'm not kidding.

Ten times the amount of money
that you earn right now.

You wanna use the blackboard?

You know, you're
absolutely right.

We're not pimps.

I-if I understand it
correctly, pimps make..

...70, 80, 90 percent
of your money, right?

(all women)
Yeah.

You work very hard
for that money, don't you?

(all women)
Yeah!

Then please think
of William and myself

as, uh, "business managers,"
okay? As-as agents, if you will.

We're only interested in
ten percent of your money.

- Ten percent?
- Leave him alone.

He's doing fine.

And, ladies, I have a knack.

I can take money and I can
make it into more money.

(female #4)
'Oh, boy!'

Why shouldn't you have
the fruits of your labor?

Why should you be
cheated and beaten?

- That's right.
- Yeah.

Do you have a dental plan?
A health plan?

Well, if you come with us,
we'd give you a sound foundation

a financial foundation.

And-and if you
don't come with us

well, then
I-I totally understand it

and I say thank you
very much for listening.

- Where are you going?
- Wait. Hey.

That was great.

What do you think?
What do you think?

- You think this guy is legit?
- Yeah!

He's legit.
That's right.

Come on, man, wait a minute.
These guys are snowing us.

And you know that.
This is too easy.

- Aw!
- No!

You should have pushed
a little more.

- You should have just pushed.
- I did the best I could.

Okay, are we going to do this?

(all)
Yeah!

We're all yours, Chuck.

You pushed just enough,
you know.

You.. Right up to it,
then you laid back.

Hey, I'm third!

What if we get to have
them all too, sexually?

♪ That kind of love ♪

♪ Gonna leave you helpless ♪

♪ On the street tonight ♪

♪ It sure looks good ♪

♪ But you should be
the very first to know ♪

♪ That kind of look don't last ♪

♪ Mmm ♪

♪ You know that girls
know how to ♪

♪ Ask any man around who ♪

♪ Will say that girls
know how to do ♪

♪ Do do do ♪

♪ That kind of love ♪

♪ Gonna leave you burning ♪

♪ Till you just can't think ♪

♪ And mess you up ♪

♪ And every time will
turn you all around ♪

♪ Just have a look at me ♪

♪ And you'll see ♪

♪ You'll see that girls
know how to ♪

♪ Ask any man around who ♪

♪ Will say that girls
know how to do ♪

♪ It for you ♪

♪ Should have been.. ♪

♪ You know that girls
know how to ♪

♪ Ask any man around who ♪

♪ Will say that girls
know how to ♪

♪ Well that kind of love
can't hurt ya ♪

♪ And that kind of girl
can make it alright ♪

♪ That kind of love
on this kind of night ♪

♪ And everyone
should love someone ♪

♪ Ooh that kind of love ♪

♪ That kind of girl
can make it alright ♪

♪ That kind of love
on this kind of night ♪

♪ You know that girls
know how to ♪

♪ Ask any man around who ♪

♪ Will say that girls
know what to do ♪

♪ To get you through ♪

♪ You know that girls
know how to ♪♪

Hey, Chuck.
How you doing, bud?

Boy, I'm cooking like
Betty Crocker tonight, sport.

- I get any calls?
- Yeah.

Lupe called. She's finished
with Mr. Culpepper.

'She's now with Mr. Jergens.'

Marlene just called.
She has a date with a young man.

- She wants you to take her.
- Okay. Good.

- I got a couple of minutes.
- What are you doing?

Well, we don't want our girls
getting beaten up

by any of those bozos, so..

If I ran into 'em, I want
them to see some muscles.

- And these are them?
- Yeah, it's working, right?

Yeah.

Hey, business is
going great, right?

I suppose so.

So, what's the matter?

Ever since we started this,
I have been ill.

'I have headaches,
stomach aches.'

I get the chills.

My gums are bleeding

and my hair keeps
falling out into the sink.

So?

Bill, let me try
to explain this to you.

As we sit here
and idly chat

there are women,
female human beings

rolling around
in strange beds

with strange men and
we are making money from that.

Is this a great
country or what?

Look at this.
This is hair.

This is hair that
used to be in my head. See.

The same thing happened to me
when I worked on Wall Street.

I had to wear a hat
sitting at my desk.

This is Bill. Mission in life,
make Chuck a man.

What am I now, a duck?

You're unbelievable.

You are something else, pal.

You are some kinda guy.

'Yeah.'

Yeah.

Impress the girls.

'Yeah.
Corn dog.'

(Chuck)
Bill, I'm back.

Bill?

William?

♪ Don't know what I'm doing ♪

♪ Girl you really got me now ♪

♪ You got me
so I can't sleep at night ♪

♪ Girl you really
got me now ♪

♪ You got me so
I don't know where I'm goin' ♪

♪ Oh yeah.. ♪

You die!

You die.

Bill!

Aah!

Bill!

Bill!

Hey, I could have done it.
He called me!

- Now you've gone over the line.
- Hold on a minute.

Hey, get the chug party.
Go ahead.

Go home!
Go home. Go home.

Hey, you remember that kid
from the debutante party

in the King Kong tuxedo?

This is his fraternity.
Hey, wild, wild man Mike!

He's the greatest!

They can't have girls
at their dorm

so I brought them here,
group raid.

They let me in the fraternity.

Bill, you've got to ask them
to get out, please.

My brothers?
What's the matter with you?

Carboni's going to fire me.
That's the matter.

Chuck, it's not an orgy.
It's college hijinks.

It's not hijink.

Remember when I had the pain
in my gums and my hair?

It's moved to my chest.

A young man shouldn't
have pains in his chest.

Oh, Chuck, you've got to learn
how to live. How to have fun.

- No.
- How to be a man.

Radical!
Let's get radical!

Chug, chug,
chug, chug, chug

chug, chug, chug,
chug, chug, chug, chug!

Chuck, come on.
What the..

Bummer!
I am bummed right now.

Get out of here!

That's better.

I don't know
about you people.

This is a morgue.
You're partying in a morgue.

You don't believe me?

Let's go take a look at
Rigor Mortis in Room 12 here.

This will bring you
back to reality.

I want you all
to see this.

So that's
what it's like.

Yeah! Jefferey pulled one down.

♪ You really got me ♪

♪ You really got me ♪♪

That very moment,
they all jumped in the drawers.

Yeah, I heard.

You're not, you're
not shocked by that?

No.

How could people
do it in a morgue?

How could people
do it in the drawers?

- It's new.
- It's sick.

Oh. Everybody's looking
for a new way to do it.

A guy once took me
up in a helicopter.

Excuse us.

Had me do it with him

as we hovered over
his ex-wife's house.

- No.
- Yeah.

Don't you ever fantasize

different ways
you want to do it?

Once I'd like to do it without
checking the apartment first.

What?

Nothing.

♪ Yeah I was born
in a crossfire hurricane ♪

♪ Hi-ho I was born
in the driving rain.. ♪♪

This is nice, huh?

Nice.

Practically drives
itself, Chuck.

Can you turn down the music?

- Huh?
- Can you turn the music down?

Yeah, I can turn it down.
I can turn it up.

I can switch it from
the back speaker to the front.

- I can make it reverberate--
- Can you turn it down?

(Chuck)
Thank you.

Look at this dash. Solid gold.

Look at this carpeting. Fur.
Check out these windows.

- Check out the the windows.
- Glass?

Glass, yeah.

We can see out.
Nobody can see in.

(Bill)
'Watch.'

'Oh, watch. Okay.
Here we go.'

Hey, yo!
Right here.

Right here, buddy!
Hey, look at this!

We got teenage girls. The place
is full of broads in here.

Yo! Roger.

Roger, officer.

Is this great or what?

(Bill)
'You got to get one, man.
This is great.'

Everything's automatic, too.

You can pop the trunk
right from here.

You don't have to move.

You should get one.

What are you doing
with all your money?

You know...I'd like to talk
to you about that.

I feel this feeling that
something's very wrong.

We're this close
from getting caught.

You know, what, it's my fault
you're the way you are.

It is because I promised
I'd swing you around.

- You're not listening, Bill.
- Listen.

Today it starts, alright?

Operation Chuck.
Alright.

From now on,
we're gonna have some fun.

♪ Fun fun till our daddy
takes our T-bird away ♪♪

Alright?

'When I tell 'em about you,
you'll be a walking money drum.'

'I'm not even gonna be
able to control you.'

'You're going to be
an insane cowboy.'

Come on, ladies.
Come forward.

Hey, hey, Chuckie, doll face,
it's past my feeding time.

Hey, you guys. Come on.
Don't be snobs.

I used to be
the pickle girl here once.

Lupe used to be
the pickle girl.

Lupe, you now
own the pickles.

- Wait. What?
- Come on, Lupe!

Ladies, I am very pleased
to announce

to each and every one of you
that you are the proud owner

of this particular burger steak.

Remember, sign the contracts.

Sign them.

Man, this is wonderful.

- Yeah?
- Yeah. Thank you.

I'm telling you, somebody's
taking over Franklin's business

and we're not seeing
a damn dime of it.

Alright, alright, alright.
Lemme think of something.

Hey, can't you see
we're talking here?

We know all of Franklin's
girls, right?

What we'll do is,
we check 'em off for a while.

We find out who's
running their actions

then we can bury him
and put in our own man, okay?

- Yeah.
- Alright.

This guy's had enough.

And next time, watch out
whose car you sit on.

Hi, you guys. Come on over
by the Christmas tree.

We want to say
a few things to you.

Come on.

Uh, Misters
Chuckie and Bill.

Uh, we have something
to say to you

so I have been elected
as spokesperson.

"You take us off
the city streets

"and give us
nicer men's to meet.

"We have furs and jewels
and nicer dresses to wear

"and we even
go to Vidal Sassoon's

"to fix up our hair.

"We move to nice
apartment houses

"instead of living with
the ratones and the mouses.

"Because of you,
our joy is jumping

'cause we're at this party
instead of humping."

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Chuck. Check this out, eh.

Radical! Radical.

A new tape recorder.

Oh, I was gonna get one,
but this one's better.

'Cause I didn't
have to pay for it.

Get out of here.

Okay, Chuck, you're next.

I love presents.

Ladies, it's amazing.

You've hit upon the one thing
I've always wanted.

Yeah?

- Oh.
- Yeah?

Wear it, baby.

- 'Ah-oooo!'
- 'Oh, yeah!'

- Okay, there we go, Joe.
- Okay, me.

Okay, Pete, there's some wine.

So my father told me

that I'd never amount
to anything, right?

Oh, fathers get that way.

Yeah, well, he told me
that when I was 4.

- Oh..
- I'm serious. I know.

Then when I was 13,
he, uh, left.

He's out of there.
He's gone. History, right?

He told me and my mom,
were too ugly to look at.

In my case,
he was wrong.

Oh, Bill.

No. I mean my mom..

...well, she...my mom
used to be real pretty.

You live with a lunatic
and it does things to you.

This is Bill.

Call your mom.
Wish her a Merry Christmas.

This guy...
he doesn't have fun.

I'm gonna teach this guy,
this wild man

how to have fun
right now.

- Okay.
- We're making loads of cash.

He doesn't spend
any of his money.

- Right?
- I spent some.

On what?

Are you really interested
to see what I spent it on?

♪ Yeah I was born
in a crossfire hurricane ♪

♪ I.. ♪♪

♪ And a partridge
in a pear tree ♪♪

Oh, are we
getting out here?

Oh, wait. Wait.
Chuck.

Come on.

What is..

Hey, Chuck, this is
what you bought?

- Chuck, wait.
- A cemetery?

Wait a minute.
Wait up.

Hey, Chuck, you know what?

This may not be a bad idea.

'Cause, you know, yuck.

Hey, people gotta die, right?

Why can't they
just die for us?

We just sit back and rake it in.

Chuck and Bill's Cemetery.

Hey, Chuck,
this one's full.

Should have bought
an empty one.

You wanted to see
what I bought.

Your father?

He used to have the smallest
stone in the whole place.

Not anymore.

This is what you spent
your money on?

He's my dad.

It takes a while
for the heat to come up.

I know.
It will be up by spring.

You know, my father's alive,
and I don't buy him anything.

You're like a saint.

Because I bought my father
a headstone?

Saint Chuck.

Well, not just for that.

You're nice.

Decent.

You think I'm decent?

Do you remember the first time
you made me eggs

in my apartment?

'And you took off your robe?'

My eyes had a heart attack.

And every time after that

it didn't matter
what you were wearing

you could have worn
a suit of armor

I got hot and crazy.

There's your Saint Chuck.

It's 30 degrees in here,
and I am sweating.

I think we'll skip the coffee,
I'm sober.

- Chuck!
- Yeah?

I'm sober too, and I have
to talk to you.

- What about?
- About this.

You're a very
good talker.

- Chuck.
- Huh?

The zipper's
on the side, honey.

- I got it.
- Mm-hmm.

Want to know
something funny?

- What?
- I don't smoke.

Did you ever see
the movie "Klute?"

What?

The movie with
Jane Fonda. "Klute."

No, I don't
think so.

- She plays a call girl.
- Mm-hmm.

And she's
with this guy

you know, a customer.

And they're doing it
and she's screaming and moaning

as if it's like the end
of the world for her.

Then right in the middle,
when the guy's not looking

she looks at her watch

and you just know it's an act.

- Hey.
- Hm?

I don't wear a watch.

Where have you been?

We moved.

William, it's so nice
to see you

at 9:00 this evening.

You drunk from last night?

Drunk, yes,
but not from wine.

- Beer?
- 'Ha ha ha ha!'

What's the matter with you?
You're three hours late.

It's been mayhem in here.

I got stiffs coming in,
I got girls going out.

Where's Belinda?
She hasn't checked in.

I would not count on Belinda
coming back to work.

What's the matter?
What happened?

Is she alright?
Somebody roughed her up?

Nobody roughed her up.

Will you put away
your muscles?

Bill, something
happened last night.

Something passed between us.

Her life couldn't
possibly be the same.

Hi, Bill.

Sorry I'm late.
Hi, Chuck.

Remember that guy Schizelman?
He called and wants to meet you.

Oh. Yeah. He's nice.

What are you doing?

What do you mean what she's
doing? She's working.

Is that true?

Yeah.

Really?

I have to earn
a living, right?

You told me this morning
that you weren't faking.

- I wasn't faking.
- Faking what?

Please, Bill.

Get out of town!

You two guys?

Can I please have
a conversation with her?

You haven't quit?

- How can I quit?
- Very simply.

You open your mouth and you
say, "Bill, Chuck, I quit."

Okay. Then what do I do?

No, I mean it, Chuck.
Where do I go from there?

What happens to me?

What happens to you is..

I can't get over the fact
that you didn't quit.

Right!

I didn't quit!

Did you quit?

I'm not a whore.

- No. You're a pimp.
- Hey, guys, come on.

Now, let's stop before we all
say something we regret.

Shut up!

I need a ride.

I have to drive her.

Fine.

You gonna be alright?

Hey, you know us pimps. Fine.

Okay, I need the car keys.
You got them?

Thank you. I got them.

Look, he didn't mean
what he said.

Yes, he did.

No, he's,
he's a strange guy.

He, you know,
he's not like you and me.

He probably
thought...uh..

...you two were in love.

So did I.

Look, uh..

You don't want
to go up there.

So I'll drive you home.

Wait. What about the trick?

I'll come back later, bring
him a bottle, get him drunk.

Take off his clothes.

In the morning, he'll think
you were there.

No problem.

City morgue.

Somebody died?

Who cares?

'Hi.'

Why did you lock the door?

It's okay.

Sirs..

At least Franklin paid off
regular for two years

until he got stupid.

You never even sent us a nickel.

Not one nickel.

- I don't know--
- "I don't, I don't know."

If we came to us up front, we
could've worked something out.

But now it's too late.

We're angry.
We're insulted.

Besides, it wouldn't be right
to let you live

after we killed Franklin.

He was our friend.

I'd like to be your friend.
Please, God, let me be your--

♪ I told you before
now I'll tell you ♪

♪ Exactly what's
bringin' me down ♪

♪ I'm tired of listening
to ya talkin' about ♪

♪ Twistin' everything
straight down the line ♪

♪ All you do to me
is talk talk ♪

♪ Talk talk talk talk ♪

♪ All you do to me
is talk talk ♪♪

Come on, let's get out of here.

If we bust one bozo, we got
to bust all the whole place.

- Yeah. I hate narcotics.
- Yeah.

I wish he'd put us
back on vice.

Hey, check, please.

Pretty good beat, huh?

Peachy.

You know, I noticed
you guys were, uh..

...unencumbered
by female companionship.

Yeah?

So how'd you like
to get, uh..

...encumbered?

Okay, boys.
Here we are.

'I wonder why
the door's locked.'

- Hey, chuck!
- In the morgue?

Hey, I know, I know
what you're thinking.

Don't worry about it.
It really won't bother you

if you just don't think
about all those dead people.

Let me get my phone book here.
It's got all my numbers, eh.

I wonder where that book is.

Maybe my partner has it.

Follow me.

You're about to become
one of the great lakes.

Open up.

I said open up.

- Get ready to fill him up.
- Yeah. Ha ha ha.

Just to make some holes,
so the water comes out.

Yeah.

Again locked.

Hey, what's going on?

Excuse me.

- Ya-a-ay!
- Hold it! Police!

You guys are police?

How could they be cops?

I should've asked for an ID.

Ow!

Ow! Ow!

Son of a bitch!

That's it! Cool it! I quit!

You what?

- Okay, man, okay!
- Get up and spread 'em!

Party's over, numbnuts.

Man. you blew it, man! You..

Hey, let me hit him
one time! One..

Chuck?

Chuck, it's all over, buddy.

Were you scared?

Yeah. Were you?

Nah. Mostly dizzy.

I'll tell you, you were great.

Guys are shooting over you,
and you just laid there

you never complained once.

And I want you to know
I admire that, Chuck.

- I do. I have a--
- Take off the tape.

Okay.

(male #4)
'Look up here.'

'Turn sideways.'

'Other way.'

'Okay. Leave.'

Does anybody have a comb,
so I can just look, get ready?

I wasn't ready for that.
Can I have one...taken--

'Just turn sideways.'

'Leave.'

'Today.'

You're pretty good at this game.

Alright. Ready?
Last one. Best out of three.

Even. Shoot.

Great. Fair is fair.

Hey, we took a shot, right?

I mean you can't hit a home run
if you don't come to bat.

I wish I had a bat right now.

You had to bring the police?

Oh, that's gratitude here.
That's gratitude.

If I didn't bring the police,
you'd be dead now.

So, I'd be better off.
I'd rather be dead.

You want to be dead?

Huh?

Want to be dead?

No.

Oh.

You let me know
if you change your mind.

You'll be the first.

- Hi.
- How you doing?

That's great. That's great.

You get me in jail here
with Peter Lorre's son.

"Oh, come on. We have to
be pimps. Let's be pimps."

We couldn't be doctors.

We were rolling there
for a while, though, huh?

Cash, clothes.

I'll tell you something, Chuck.

You couldn't do
what we did in Russia.

You know? Seriously.

Russian pimps--

Would you do me a favor
and just leave me alone?

Chuck.

Chuck!

Hi, Charlotte.

I thought you were in Indiana.

My mom called.

And you flew
all the way back here.

I thought for sure when
you found out what I was doing

you'd just hate me.

But no, not you.

You came to be by my side.

You are one in a million.

Goodbye, Chuck.

Did you see that?

My fiance just spit on me.

And after you were deloused.

But she's right, you know.

I should be spit on.

Chuck, Chuck, don't.

He's got a little hair
in his mouth.

What are you doing?

Chuck, not in front
of the other guys.

So what? What, am I running
for Cell President?

They have that?

Oh, this is a nightmare.

You know what the worst part
about this is?

I'm guilty. I am guilty.

You know what's gonna
happen, don't you?

I'm going to lose my job.

Oh, my life is over.

Do you know, at this moment

I have sunk as low
as I can go.

I was wrong.

Oh!

Mimi, pay the cab driver,
will you?

Move over.

- With money.
- Oh, yeah.

Isn't a jail
tight enough to hold us.

You got 'em out!

Bet your Puerto Rican ass I did.

Can't keep my men in there.

- My life is over.
- Oh!

Stay with him.
Take him home.

Get him to the lawyer's on time.

We'll take you home.
We'll give you a nice bath.

I don't see Belinda here.

Yeah, she don't want to come.

That's it.
Make him feel better.

You know what I mean.

Is this gonna take
long or what?

I have a tennis club lesson
at one o'clock.

I already missed one
when...we were in prison.

I see.
Can I get you anything?

Yeah, alright.
Uh, lamb chops--

I was thinking more in terms
of something to drink.

Why don't we just get started?

Mr. Droll Hauser

are we going to prison?

Yeah, that's a good question.

I hardly think so.

You see, boys,
this is an election year.

And the party in power..

...well, let's just say

they find the whole situation
rather embarrassing.

'Therefore, it would be
in the best interest'

of all concerned if they just
gave you boys your jobs back

and forgot the whole thing.

I assume that's okay with you.

Okay?

Okay?

Mr. Droll Hauser.

That's the greatest thing
I ever heard.

Thank you very much.
That's fantastic.

Well, it's not okay
with me. Ha ha ha.

We got them over the barrel.

As long as we do..

...I say we get
something out of it.

Can I talk to him alone, please?

I have thought about this
for the entire time in jail.

And what I want is to go back
to my old life..

...the way it was
before this craziness.

I want my old life back.

Please, Bill.

Please let me have
my old life back.

No.

Chuck, if I did that

I'd never be able to sleep
with myself again.

We're holding the cards.

They're afraid of us.

You see the beauty here?

I say, we go down there
right now, alright?

And we march right
into the mayor's office

we lay it on the line.
You want to?

Come on. It will be fun.
It'd be great.

What are you doing?

Chuck, what are you..

Chuck, I'm wearing white.

You're crazy!
Get away, Chuck!

Get away from the door, you!

Oh, you're not going
to see the mayor.

You're not gonna make any
demands or I'm gonna kill you.

You're gonna play
tennis...with God.

Now..

...are you going
to change your mind?

No.

Are you going
to change your mind?

Chuck, you gotta
keep that elbow stiff.

- What's going on in there?
- I don't know.

My...God.

I could have you guys
executed for this!

Call maintenance!

Get them up here!

You'll be hearing
from my lawyer.

Oh, are you okay, Mr. Chuckie?

- I'm calm. I'm calm.
- Are you calm?

- Are you bleeding?
- It's okay, girls. Let go.

I'll tell you something.

You listen to me, Mr. Idea man.

I will go back to the morgue

and I will put my life straight

the life that you ruined.

Everything that's bad
that happened to me...you did.

'I don't want to
see you anymore.'

I don't want to hear
from you anymore.

I don't even want to hear
rumors about you anymore.

Here's a good idea

Why don't you get a ticket
on the first space shuttle

and get out of here.

Excuse me.

Hello.

Hi.

- How are you?
- Okay.

Well, what have
you been doing?

You mean since jail?

I'm back to work.

Yeah, me, too.

I start a new job tonight.

Really? What are you doing?

Uh...I'm doing the same
thing I did before.

I'm just doing it
in a different place.

Paradise found, just off 6th.

- I've heard of it.
- Yeah.

It's supposed
to be real nice, you know.

So.

Look, I may not see you again.

I'm moving on Friday.

Oh?

Condo.

Very good investment.

Yeah.

Well, I guess you don't want
to be late for your first day.

No.

Bye.

Bye.

- Where the fuck is 4K?
- What?

Excuse me, I didn't
know you was deaf.

4K!

I'm 4k. Is that my dinner?

You do with it what you want.

It's 5 bucks.
I already added in my tip.

How thoughtful.

Thank you.

Excuse me.

There's mustard
on this sandwich.

So?

So, it's egg salad.

Give me the sandwich.

Happy now?

I would like
a whole new sandwich.

Listen to me.

- You listen to me!
- Take it easy.

You listen to me!

I'll never again

eat a sandwich I didn't order.

I am sick and tired
of being afraid.

Bad jobs, bad sandwiches

neurotic girlfriends

no longer for this man.

Do you understand?

You!

Go home!

And you, go clean off my door.

Excuse me.

Do you know that I joined
this club one month ago?

I have not received
my membership cards.

- Where is the manager?
- I don't know.

Could you please
call the manager?

You know what,
I'll find him myself.

Hey, sir.

Is everything alright,
Mr. Tuttle?

Where's the god damn towel boy?

I'm not coming out
of this pool naked!

Not with these parrots
around here.

Of course, Mr. Tuttle.

Yo, towel boy!

Oh, sorry.

Hi, Mr. Manetti. Hey, nice
threads. Very Miami beach.

Yeah?
Mr. Tuttle would like a towel.

Alright. Yes, sir.

Here you go.
Hey, Mr. Tuttle.

How are you doing?
How's everything?

There you are, sir. Got one.

Maybe you ought to
take two, Mr. Tuttle.

I don't think one will do it.

The less seen, the better, huh?

Excuse me, Mr. Tuttle.
Ha ha ha.

Belinda?

Do you know Belinda Keaton?

No, I don't.

Now, listen, helium head.

How hard is it
to distribute towels?

Well, it's a skill
like anything else.

These people pay $8,000
a year just to join this club.

They expect some service.

Stop screwing around, or I'll
put your ass out of here.

- You understand?
- yes, sir.

- Beat it!
- Alright. Jack off.

- What was that?
- Nothing. It wasn't me.

It was the birds-birds.
I guess the birds...birds.

What are you doing here?

What are you doing here?

I'm looking for Belinda.

Is she working here?

Excuse me.

Hey, hey.

Hey, don't go for thinking I
work here, man, 'cause I don't.

I own this place.
I bought it this morning.

Hey, straighten that strap.

Drop dead.

Oh, you're fired, alright?

Clean out your locker. You're
in the archives. You're history.

Hey, Chuck, don't bump
or get in trouble, man.

Why? With who?
You own the place.

I know, but I got partners.

Come on, these guys
are tough. Chuck, hey..

Hey, Chuck,
I'm not kidding these guys

are built like
checker cabs, man.

- Don't--
- Hey!

Sorry. Belinda!

Hey, Chuck, don't go in there.

I'm sorry.

I'm not letting you get--

Sorry. Health department.

(male #2)
Hey, we're in here!

What am I going to do?

Do you want a membership?
I get a commission--

Will you just
stay out of my life?

Sure. You don't
have to tell me 3 times, pal.

I'm out, bud.

♪ Here comes the night ♪

♪ Here comes the dream
in the light of you ♪

♪ I cannot be
thinkin' about you ♪

♪ Here comes the rain ♪

Alright, can I buy you a drink?

Uh, no, I-I changed my mind.
I don't work here.

Hey, I'll make it
worth your while.

No, really.
I-I don't feel like it. Okay?

Hey, the party's just starting.

No. I really
don't feel like it. Okay?

- Come on.
- Belinda!

Am I glad I found you.
I've got to talk to you.

- Hey, I saw her first.
- No.

- Actually, I saw her first.
- What is it?

Remember the argument
we had at the morgue?

- Yeah, and you were right.
- I was wrong.

- Are you done?
- No. Now listen.

You were waiting
for me to say something.

Actually you were waiting
for me to say, "I love you."

But I didn't have the guts then.

- 'Hey.'
- I've got the guts now!

I love you, too.

Come on, I'll show you how much.

Listen, slime,
you have exactly three seconds

to take your hands off
this particular woman.

One..

- Oh, oh, Chuck?
- Hold on, Chuck.

I'm coming, buddy.

Where's the manager?

You guys stay right here!

Bill, bill?
Are you alright?

Did you break anything, Bill?

I caught an updraft.

- Are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm alright.

No, don't worry.
I'm alright. I'm alright.

Fortunately,
the ground broke my fall.

Never mind me. Tell her what
you were going to tell her.

Yeah.

Belinda?

I..

You love me?

Yeah, yeah. I said it.

I didn't say it.

Belinda..

...I love you.

- Can we do that again?
- Yes.

(Bill)
'Chill it, guys. My neck..'

'...you got my neck
a little bit.'

- I'm sorry.
- I'm real happy for you.

Okay, pisshead, you're fired!

You know that
suits him just fine.

He's no towel boy.
He's an idea man!

He couldn't find
his asshole with a funnel.

Chuck, never mind.
The guy is right.

- He's wrong.
- He's right.

I've never done one thing..

...I ever said
I was going to do.

That is not true. Remember
the first time I met you.

You said, "Alright, I'm
gonna make a man out of you."

Do you think I could have
done all this without you?

Done all what?

First of all, you can't
talk to my very good friend

and the woman
that I love like that.

Now, look.

I know that you're
a very powerful man.

I know that you
could break my back

like a little toothpick.

There's only one question
I've got to ask.

Is that a gun under your jacket?

Fine.

Raid.

Vice squad. It's a raid.

Vice squad. Vice squad.

- Ya-a-ay.
- Oh-o-oh.

(male #3)
'Put some clothes on, idiot!'

'Hey, don't touch
the car, punk!'

Wait, they're not coming.
We made it!

And you did it!

You were great!

You were kissing!

I'm cold.

You were fabulous!

- There you go.
- Ooh, hey, thanks.

Hey, Chuck. Here you go.

Microwave clothing.
Listen to this.

That way you can stay warm

and bake a potato
in your pants.

I guess you can do
better than that.

I could kill
for a baked potato.

- Let's eat!
- Yeah.

♪ And I never thought
I'd feel this way ♪

♪ And as far as I'm concerned ♪

♪ I'm glad I've got
a chance to say ♪

♪ That I do believe
I love you ♪

♪ And if I
I should ever go away ♪

♪ Well then close your eyes ♪

♪ And try to feel
the way we do today ♪

♪ And then if you can remember ♪

♪ Keep smilin' ♪
♪ Smilin' ♪

♪ Keep shinin' ♪
♪ Shinin' ♪

♪ Knowin' you can
always count on me ♪

♪ For sure ♪

♪ That's what friends are for ♪

♪ For the good times ♪
♪ Good times ♪

♪ And the bad times ♪
♪ Bad times ♪

♪ I'll be on your side
forevermore ♪

♪ That's what friends
are for yeah ♪

♪ And I though you
heard it all before ♪

♪ Well I'll tell you
one more time ♪

♪ So I can be completely sure ♪

♪ So you know
how much I love you ♪

♪ And if I
should ever go away ♪

♪ Well then close your eyes ♪

♪ And try to feel
the way we do this day ♪

♪ And then if you can remember ♪

♪ Keep smilin' ♪
♪ Smilin' ♪

♪ Keep shinin' ♪
♪ Shinin' ♪

♪ Knowin' you can
always count on me ♪

♪ For sure ♪

♪ That's what friends are for ♪

♪ For the good times ♪
♪ Good times ♪

♪ And the bad times ♪
♪ Bad times ♪

♪ I'll be on your side
forevermore ♪

♪ That's what friends are for ♪