New York Minute (2004) - full transcript
One day in New York City, as Jane Ryan tries out for an overseas college program and her sister Roxy schemes to meet her favorite punk rockers, a series of mishaps throws their day into chaos. In order for them both to accomplish their goals, the normally adversarial sisters decide to unite against the forces around them.
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I'm late. I'm late.
Ready for your speech, Ms. Ryan?
Are you sure you're prepared this time?
Are you sure you're not
forgetting anything, Jane?
Sure you're not
forgetting anything, Jane?
Please welcome Jane Ryan.
What?
Just a dream.
Morning, Mom. Miss you.
- Morning.
- Morning, Dad.
I'm up.
I'm up.
Ladies and gentlemen,
my name is Jane Ryan.
My name is Jane Ryan.
My name is Jane Ryan.
Good morning, Justin.
"Simple Plan shoot...
...59th and Ninth, New York City."
- Making sure you're up.
- Yeah, just finishing an essay.
Three weeks into school,
and you haven't cut once. I like it.
Maybe I won't have to send you
to Sister Mary Margaret's after all.
School...
...or Simple Plan video shoot?
I'm here today as a finalist
for the McGill Fellowship.
What excuses shall we
use this time, Ringo?
Ringo? Ringo, where are you?
"Death of a pet, religious holiday...
...female problems." Last week.
"Lllnesses. Chickenpox." Print.
- Perfect.
- Perfect.
Thank you, New York City!
Ringo, there you are.
Did the little mean lady scare you?
Yes, I know she did.
Jane. Why do you insist on playing Mom?
Okay? Dad doesn't have time for breakfast.
Not listening.
- How's it going, guys?
- Hi.
- Your breakfast is on the table.
- Smells great.
Wait.
- There you go.
- Thanks.
You're welcome.
Never, ever touch my day planner.
Okay, you need to chill on the nerd book,
okay? You have issues.
Okay, how frequent are the contractions?
Have them head down to the hospital.
I'll meet them there. Yeah.
- Jane...
- No, Dad, it's fine.
No, it's not fine.
I know this is your big day.
I will do everything I can to get
to Columbia to see your speech.
- I know you will.
- Okay, excuse me.
Jane, sorry, I know this is the biggest day
of your academic career...
...but Dad, will you sign my field-trip
permission form, please?
Shakespeare in the Park?
Great! Which play?
You know, the one with
the girl and the guy...
...love, the tights, hair.
- Romeo and Juliet?
- Yeah! Thank you. I totally blanked.
- I love that play.
- I know. Me too.
- Your mom would have been so proud.
Would you mind giving your sister a lift?
- Not at all.
- It wouldn't kill you to spend time together.
Breakfast was great, but I got to go.
Okay. Well, then, take this, okay?
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- Love you.
- Love you too. Good luck.
- I hope you don't get caught.
- I won't.
- Let's get the show on the road.
- Think about a car wash.
You might wanna think
about buying a car.
- I'm saving up for college.
- That makes one of us.
Mind putting on the radio?
- Not at all.
- What is this?
Too cool for school.
Yeah.
Where are we going? We have
26 minutes to get to the station...
...and I can't be late.
We just have to make a pit stop
at my manager's.
Wait, you have a manager?
- Howdy, Rox.
- Hello.
- Come on in.
- Thanks.
Seventy-eight!
- So how's the party?
- It's going great.
We're on a marathon mission.
So I burned you 30. Check it out.
Thanks.
- Why am I on the cover?
- Marketing, baby.
- You're the hottest one in the band.
- Hey, Roxy.
- That's not saying much.
- Here's your all-access pass.
That will get you into the shoot.
Now, remember...
...we've got to hit up the A-and-R guys.
- We gotta get this contract.
- How will I know it's them?
Middle-aged guys, fancy suits...
...bad, old-fashioned dancing.
- Right.
- Got it? All right.
- Yes. Bye.
- Good luck.
- Okay. Thank you.
Yeah, 79!
Who's there?
- Pool guy.
- Pool guy?
You're not the pool guy.
You get to go right to the head
of the class.
Nassau County Department of Truancy.
Pool party's over, Flubber.
Do you want to come over here?
Put your hands behind your head.
On your feet, gentlemen.
Hands up where I can see them.
- Up, up, up!
- What's going on?
You let me do the interrogating, son,
we'll get along fine.
My mom's gonna kill me.
Got six future felons for you, Strauss.
Each one facing five to 10...
Days of detention, Lomax.
- Days of detention.
- Just book them.
"Book them." Would you
give it a rest, Lomax?
You're a truancy officer,
you're not Dirty Harry.
You know, this kind of crud is what
kept you out of the force for 25 years.
I'm on the heels of the number-one truant
in Nassau County...
...and when I find her, and I will find her...
...your boys will be doing back flips
to make sure I'm wearing that badge.
Hey, Einstein, over here.
I feel bad lumping you in there
with those other losers...
...because you strike me as being a...
I don't know, a smart kid.
I see a big future here.
I look at this face,
I see a surgeon general.
I see a Supreme Court judge.
Do you have any idea what a 10-day
suspension will look like on your record?
You'll be lucky to be accepted
to the Acme School of Welding.
Now...
...do yourself a favor.
Where can I find Roxanne Ryan?
You can give me
all the detention you like.
But if there's something I'm not,
that's a rat.
Fine. Suit yourself.
- Car, car! Look out!
- Hold on.
What's the matter with you?!
- Nice park.
- Thanks.
Excuse me, could you just not?
Okay, speech at 3.
Perfect. Okay...
You can't sit here. I need quiet.
Chill. You won't even know I'm here.
I'm close to winning the fellowship.
I've worked my whole life for this.
What is this stupid thing, anyway?
This stupid thing is a four-year
scholarship to Oxford University.
Oxford?
- As in England?
- No, Oxford, as in nowhere near you.
- Maybe you would like to switch seats...
- No!
Yeah.
- Why Oxford?
- Why are you even here?
Because Simple Plan's shooting
their new music video.
So I'll canvass the A-and-R guys,
give them my demo...
...and hopefully be the new opening act.
Great. There'll be lots of concerts
at Sister Mary Margaret's.
How's the school gonna know?
As far as they're concerned,
I'm home with the chicken...
Chickenpox.
Chickenpox, my Aunt Fanny.
Who is it?
It's Savitsky, your landlord.
You're two weeks late on rent.
Mr. Savitsky,
can we deal with this later...
...because I'm working on a very big
case right now. I'm busy.
- You're dizzy? You should lie down.
- I said, I'm busy!
So get busy writing a check,
Lomax! Jeez.
Where have you gone, Miss Ryan?
Where have you gone?
Well, your simple plan's about to get a bit
more complicated, Roxanne Ryan.
All right, open up.
Can you believe this?
- I'm sorry.
- All right, Roxy Ryan!
- Oh, my God!
- It's okay!
- I'm so sorry!
- What are you...? Stop that!
- I'm sorry.
- What are you, a couple of monsters?
Tickets. Tickets, please.
Please have your tickets ready.
Tickets, please. I'm not doing
this for my health. Thank you.
- I suppose you'll need some money?
- No. I can manage on my own.
- Hello?
- Tickets. Very nice.
Tickets, please.
- Oh, my...
- I'm in hell.
- I'm sorry.
- What are you looking at? Stop looking!
I said I was...
Ticket.
Hi.
We are so over! Over!
Shoot.
Oh, very funny.
- Excuse me?
- No ticket, no ride.
- I have a ticket. Give me a minute.
- Let's see it. Come on.
That was my twin sister you just threw off.
Right there.
Oh, yeah. The phantom twin sister.
I'm scared. Hold me.
Do I look that stupid to you?
Do you want me to answer that?
- I have a ticket! It's in my purse!
- Let's go. Come on.
Step away from the train.
- God, I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
- Sorry.
- It's okay.
Here, just give me a sec, okay? One sec.
Okay. If you can't get it out,
I'll just take my skirt off.
Did I just say that out loud?
Yeah, you did.
- Man, you're really stuck, you know that?
- Yeah.
All right, on the count of three.
One, two, three.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God.
Hey, it looks nice.
Thanks.
All aboard! If you have a ticket.
I gotta go.
- Okay.
- I'll see you.
Hopefully.
- Bye.
- Bye.
The ripped look? It's so two minutes ago.
Stay away from me.
According to this schedule, it says there
should be another train in 43 minutes.
Not today there isn't. Track construction.
- Next train for New York leaves in 3 hours.
- You've got to be kidding me.
- Taxi!
- Hey!
Taxi!
Nice move.
There you are.
Here I am.
All of the taxis are gone.
And you need a ride.
I give you ride.
- No.
- I give you free ride.
No. I don't take rides from strangers.
But I got a limo. Big, long, white one
like Barbie ride in.
I don't believe you. It says it right here.
There's gonna be another train.
How could I forget?
It's the magic-leprechaun train.
It leaves for New York whenever you want.
Powered by your imagination.
- Jane!
- I'm sorry, is someone talking?
Because I don't hear anyone.
I just wanna let you know I have a limo
if you're looking for a ride.
Don't worry,
it's a professional car service.
Your attention please, the 9:45 to...
- Thanks.
- Here, let me get your bag.
- No, it's okay. I got it.
- But I insist.
No, it's okay. I insist.
Wait for me.
My personal assistant.
I'd be lost without her.
My name's Bennie.
You and her going same place?
"You and she." The correct grammar is "she."
See, you're using the wrong possessive...
Smarty pants.
You've reached the Ryan residence.
Leave your message after the beep.
Yeah, Dr. Ryan, this is Max Lomax...
...Nassau County Department of Truancy.
I'm calling in regard to
your daughter Roxanne.
Could you call me at 993-1176...
...and reference case number
7 Tango Niner Popcorn X-ray 5?
Have a pleasant day.
How's it going?
How you doing?
Stop it.
- Roxy, please. I can't concentrate.
- What's up?
Please stop.
Get me Ma.
It's number-one adopted son.
Bennie? You said you be here by 9 a.m.
That was 20 minutes ago.
I need that chip.
Bennie will be there soon, Ma.
Bennie, either you talk in Chinese
or you speak in English.
But enough with the accent.
- I'm sorry, Ma.
- Don't call me Ma.
From 9 to 5, you're my number-one
killing machine.
Yes, I'm your killing machine, Ma.
Bye, Ma.
Kids.
Hey, bud? Are you lost?
Ancient Chinese proverb:
Never accept ride from stranger!
- Help! Help us!
- Help!
- Help! He's gonna kill us!
- Help!
Come on! Hurry!
Okay, let's go! Come on.
Thank you.
- Why is he after us?
- Go!
- I think we lost him.
- There you are.
- You speak Chinese?
- There's a lot you don't know about me.
- Give me that!
- Hey, buster!
Bring it on, tubby.
I didn't know you took jujitsu.
- Tae kwon do.
- Thanks.
Two times a week.
Three years.
- Now I'm mad.
- What are you...?
- That hurt.
- Here we go.
Yeah!
I'm gonna kill you!
That's what we get for
taking a ride from a stranger.
- Please. It was exciting.
- Exciting?
Almost being mugged and getting stuck
in the middle of nowhere is not exciting.
Now what?
These were my best heels.
Give me the other one.
Give me the shoe. Please. Thank you.
Now they're your best flats.
Either of you ladies spare some change?
- Oh, yeah, here.
- You're feeding this poor man's disease.
- Just let him have the dollar.
- Buy him a snack, like a granola bar.
Thanks. I got a dollar!
That is not just a cherry Slurpee.
I smell alcohol. Please don't freak.
Or not.
Yes!
Now we're cooking with gas.
Out of the way, suckers.
Come on, folks. Police emergency.
Come on!
Back up, people. Clear the street.
You call this respect for the law?
I look like a duck waddling
in these shoes.
DVD.
Very cheap. Need Holiday.
Wait!
Great. Just great.
- Can I use your restroom?
- Bathroom is for customer only.
Down the aisle to the left.
She has her whole life ahead of her.
She should not be drinking.
That's what I keep telling her.
You've reached the Ryan residence.
Leave your message...
You have one new message.
Yeah, Dr. Ryan, this is Max Lomax...
...Nassau County Department of Truancy.
- Correction, this was Max Lomax.
- These for now, those for later.
- Very hungry for a small person.
- Thirsty too? Okay.
- Red Bull.
- You'll never pull it off.
- Never?
- Not today. Not tomorrow.
- So no.
I like the yellow one better.
Really?
What did you do, fall in?
Cash or charge?
I need some money.
Total amount is 47.24.
Oh, my God! My day planner!
I must have left it in the limo! My life is in
it! My speech, my credit cards, my money!
So I don't suppose I could start a tab?
Tab is for valid customers only.
Thank you. Don't come again.
This is all your fault.
How's it my fault you left
the book in the limo?
It's your fault I was even in the limo.
I can't even function
without my day planner.
I'm trying to think of a reason
to keep on living.
Still trying. Still trying.
- You need to chill. You just need to relax.
- Relax?
How am I supposed to relax?
My relaxation tapes are in my day planner!
- Snap out of it!
- Don't hit me.
Listen. Okay, your speech doesn't start until
3:00. That gives you three and a half hours!
- Four and a half.
- Same thing.
Roxy, spontaneity doesn't just happen.
You have to get there and rehearse.
Besides, where am I gonna
get cleaned up?
I have a plan.
Checking in, ladies?
- We're with the band.
- Yeah.
- Well, then.
- I'm Paris, this is Nicky.
Welcome, Paris.
- How could you let them go?
- Well, they're very smart.
- One of them even spoke Chinese.
- I don't care.
What's so important
about this stupid chip?
That stupid chip contains millions of dollars
in pirated music.
Pirate music? You mean:
Bennie!
Okay. I know what you mean.
I was just kidding.
We send chip to Hong Kong...
...they transfer it from chip
onto compact disk.
They sell pirated copies,
and we make millions.
Okay, I understand.
I'll get the chip back
and restore honor to family.
After all, I am your
number-one adopted son.
Get chip, make compact disk,
sell to teenagers.
What are we doing here?
Watch and learn.
I'd love to.
But I'm presenting an award this afternoon.
You know that.
Carey, come. Hurry, hurry.
Now!
This is your plan?
Yep. And a pretty good one.
Breaking into a hotel room is exactly how
Nixon went down. I'm not going in there.
Not going in there.
I'm not going in there.
Okay, I'm going in there.
Okay, I'm just going to get cleaned up,
and then we're out of here.
Clean up, get out.
What?
- It's a...
- Dog.
I think.
Well...
...you take a shower first...
...and I'll take the doggy.
Come on, puppy.
- Jane Ryan speaking.
- I have your date book.
- Roxy!
- What?
- What?
- It's the psycho. He has my day planner.
Let me... I'll talk to him.
- Be nice.
- Okay.
- Listen, you...
- I told you to be nice.
You can take money...
...you can have the credit cards,
just please don't hurt my speech.
Shut up. I talk, you listen.
- Okay. Good idea.
- You took my chip.
Roxy, did you eat this man's chips?
- No.
- You sure?
- I didn't eat his chips.
- She didn't eat your chips.
No, not chips. Chip. My microchip.
Listen, we need that book back.
So meet us outside the Plaza Hotel
in 30 minutes, or I will eat your chips.
Found the chip!
- Hi.
- Hi.
Is today my birthday?
Oh, my God. I'm sorry.
We're just leaving.
- My sister.
- There's gonna be a five-alarm fire...
...if my mom finds you.
- This psycho stole my day planner...
...which has my entire life in it.
Now we have to give him his chip back.
Okay, so psycho, day planner,
computer chip...
Yeah, makes perfect sense to me.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
But you might have a little trouble
swapping the chip.
- Why?
- Because Reinaldo just ate it.
No. No, he didn't.
- Are you serious?
- The little green thing, he just ate it.
- Spit it out. Come on.
- Hello?
- Hello, Trey.
- Hi, Mom.
I'm on my way up. Change of schedule.
Bring my purse, dear.
I'm meeting Hillary at 1.
Okay.
All right. So my mom's on her way up.
She's a senator. Anne Baxter Lipton.
- A senator?
- Should've kept that little fact to yourself.
- A senator.
- Yeah.
I can never run for office now.
- Come here, little puppy.
- I'll be right back.
- Get it out.
- Shake it out.
- Shake it out.
- Spit it out.
- Hey, easy...
- A senator?
- Come on.
- The dog ate the chip.
I need the chip to get the day planner.
- This isn't happening.
- He bit me!
Calm down. I don't want it.
Don't throw him.
- Keep it!
- You take him!
My bad.
Oh, thank God. Reinaldo.
Jane, what are you doing?
You're gonna wind up dead!
Without that chip, I am dead.
Okay. Come back here.
Come here, doggy.
Okay. Here we go. Okay.
Trey? Trey?
- My mom.
- Why is the door locked?
- I'll be late for the Simple Plan shoot.
- The video shoot?
- Yeah.
- Trey? Hello?
- At least tell me your name before you go.
- Roxy.
- Roxy.
- Jane. Come here.
I was taking a nap. Sorry.
Look what I got my little boy for lunch.
Thanks, Mom. I already ate.
Reinaldo.
Reinaldo, come here, boy.
Look what Mommy has for you.
Come here, my precious little baby.
Where's my...? Come on.
Look what Mommy has.
Reinaldo, don't make Mommy beg.
- Hold on.
- Come here, doggy. Doggy.
Trey. Where is Reinaldo?
He always answers when I call.
He's not answering.
Come here, doggy.
So I can stick my finger down your throat.
Whatever you do, don't look down.
Mom, there's something
you should know, okay?
Now, Reinaldo, he...
I took him to the groomer's.
Why would you do that?
Because he smelled.
- Don't worry. We're getting out of here.
- I can't move.
Oh, God, I almost forgot. I gotta go.
I gotta... Yeah. I'm going to be late.
Don't forget to pick up Reinaldo.
Give me the dog.
Deals like this are the result of years
of really hard work.
Things don't just fall out of the sky.
- How you doing?
- Going down!
- That wasn't so bad.
- No.
Can I have my towel, please?
- Sir, I need your help.
- Yes, sir.
Help me find a dog
and two girls in towels.
Who exactly are they?
Okay, puppy. Okay. Go home.
You need to go home.
- What are you doing?
- We need to go.
No, we need that dog.
That dog is my life. And when he poops,
his poop is my life.
Come on, Reinaldo! Come on.
- Good puppy. Okay.
- Can anything else go wrong today?
- Am I squashing you?
- Yeah. It's great.
- Did I just...?
- Yeah. You just said that out loud.
If we keep bumping into each other like
this, one of us is gonna get hurt.
I'm willing to take that chance.
- Roxy!
- Paris! Nicky!
- How can I find you?
- Call her. 555-8989.
She's home every night.
- What's your name?
- It's Jane.
I'm Jim!
Here. How am I gonna survive
without my watch?
I don't know.
Come on. You can poopy.
Just a little one. Come on.
Any luck?
Think we have something.
- False alarm.
- I can't go looking like this.
- I'm starting to have heart palpitations.
- No, don't worry, okay?
We're gonna fix you up. I promise.
It's all gonna work out.
Where are you going?
To get my day planner back.
- I'll go with you.
- No.
I don't think that's such a good idea.
Our togetherness today
hasn't exactly been good luck.
Rox, I'll be fine.
It's in front of the Plaza.
There's a lot of witnesses.
It's not like this guy's exactly,
like, a criminal mastermind.
So have fun at the concert.
Video shoot.
59th and Ninth. If you care.
Okay, kiddies.
Playtime's over.
Where do you think you're going?
I'm on a case.
Where do you think you're going?
What do you mean?
I'm not going anywhere.
So we're clear on that.
Yeah. I didn't think so.
Jeff. What's up, man? It's Trey.
Hey, you remember that Simple Plan
video shoot you were telling me about?
Yeah. Where is it?
It's 59th and Ninth. Are you sure?
That's awesome, man. You rock.
I owe you. Bye.
Boy, talk about anal-retentive.
This girl is a cuckoo bird.
I'm surprised she doesn't have trips to the
bathroom scheduled. Wait, right here, 3:30.
- Look, I think we...
- You're late.
I think we got off on the wrong foot
a while back.
I just wanna know... Okay.
Give me my chip.
- What's this?
- It's your chip.
- Excuse me?
- Well, you see, Reinaldo here...
...he ate your chip.
- Reinaldo ate my chip.
- Is this some kind of joke?
- I don't joke.
Can I have my day planner back?
You know what I think I do?
I think I run over the dog with the car.
No, wait, that might damage the chip.
You give me my chip, or I'll kill you!
Cough it up, pooch.
No, no. Please don't hurt him.
Give it to me. Let me have it!
Good shot, Reinaldo.
Disgusting!
Mike one, check. Testing, one, two.
One, two.
Excuse me, fellas.
Excuse me, Cochise. Thattaboy.
- I'm so excited.
- Thanks.
- You're good.
- Roxy.
- Hi.
- Hey.
I was wondering if you knew
where my mom's dog was.
But I mean, I also wanted
to see you again.
Come on! Move it!
- Do you have a pass?
- No.
I'll be right back, okay?
So just stay here.
- I'll figure it out.
- Figure it out somewhere else, okay?
Simple Plan.
They rock.
Got all their LPs.
I'm sorry, I didn't get your name.
Is it Loser?
How come you're not in school?
Okay, okay. Don't worry.
I've got bigger fish to fry.
- Excuse me. Coming through.
- Thanks for coming to this video shoot.
We're gonna need
a lot of your energy today.
So are you guys ready?
Are we ready?
Rox, where are you?
This is the scene live in midtown,
where punk-rock group Simple Plan...
...is shooting their latest music video.
- A little louder!
Nice. Get ready. Welcome, Simple Plan!
What's up, New York City?
Old-school dance moves.
Hi. Please give it a listen.
Our contact info's inside.
- Nice packaging. Let's take a look.
- Thanks.
Hello, Miss Ryan.
So nice to finally meet you face to face.
It's been quite a chase
all these years, huh?
One not without a few clever maneuvers
on your part...
...but here we are.
- You know what? I'm tired of running.
- I'll go quietly.
- I don't use handcuffs, Miss Ryan.
- Just brains.
- But before we go, Mr. Lomax...
- Yeah?
- Check your fly.
What's that?
- I have to get by.
- Where do you think you're going?
You may want to check your fly.
Roxy!
Hey, man, what's up?
It's Lomax.
Everybody, jump. Jump!
Roxy!
- Lomax!
- Lomax?
Lomax?
- We're trapped.
- Take my hand.
Roxy?
Roxy!
Has everybody washed their hands?
I'm next!
That's gotta hurt.
Sorry about that. Sorry. Excuse me.
I'm sorry, guys. Excuse me.
I'm looking for two girls and this little dog
that just ran out of here.
- Did you see where they went?
- I did.
- They went to the Simple Plan after-party.
- Great.
You know, I'm going there now.
I drive all the VIPs.
- I could give you a ride.
- Yeah? Thanks, man.
Thanks.
- This Lomax guy is crazy.
- I know.
Okay.
- Let's hide in the tent.
- Okay.
Cover up the manhole. We're done here.
Give me a hand!
The climactic event
of my academic career is in two hours.
And I'm drenched with a dog
in a sewer. Yeah.
No. See, we're in luck.
It's just the water main.
- I'm just trying to look on the bright side.
- Bright side? There is no bright side.
Well, I don't know. I was thinking that...
That what?
We haven't spent
the day together in years.
And today has made me realize
how much I've missed that.
And I don't know, I was having fun.
And you were too, because I saw
the smile on your face...
...when we were crowd surfing.
- I was acting for the cameras.
- Just a little bit.
Okay, so maybe it was a little fun.
- What's with that Lomax guy?
- He's the truant officer.
He's been after me for years,
but I outsmart him every time.
What can I say?
You're insane. You know that?
Yeah. I know.
You okay, buddy?
Yeah, I'm doing just fine,
Sherlock. Yourself?
Wife and kids? Think it'll rain?
How about those Mets?
Are we through chitchatting?
Tell me where this sewer pipe leads?
Well, that one there comes directly
from the main line on 125th.
Only way in or out.
- How's the patient?
- She should've gone for the C-section.
I'm gonna miss my daughter's speech
at Columbia.
She's gonna be so disappointed.
I hope she's okay.
The unpublicized event has drawn
quite a crowd here today.
Come on, move off the road. Please?
Hi, it's Jane. Leave a message.
Jane. Hey, it's Jim.
The guy that ripped your skirt
and pummeled you with his bike.
Sorry about that.
Anyway, I was just calling
to make sure you're okay.
So...
I'll keep looking for you.
I'm gonna make it up to you. All right?
See you.
We need to get out of here.
This thing is never-ending.
Wait a sec. Columbia's
on 116th Street, right?
Right.
I got you nine blocks away.
She can't get a date
because she sounds fat...
What's up with this fool?
White people are crazy.
Roxy, Columbia's on the West Side.
- Here we are. Let's find a subway.
- Let's ask the House of Bling.
Good idea.
- Can I help you?
- We are so not in Kansas anymore.
We're from the gas company.
- No gas here. Okay.
- Hold it.
I can't have anyone seeing you leave
my store looking like that.
- Mickey, show them out the back way.
- Okay, Ma.
Oh, come on.
- What? What is it?
- It's 1:13.
It's 1:13. I'm never gonna make it.
What's wrong with that girl?
- She doesn't do well under pressure.
- Oh, my God! I'm having a heart attack!
- Call 991. Call 991.
- Breathe.
Call 991! 991?
Stay calm!
Thank you. I'm not thirsty.
It's okay. Breathe. Breathe. Deep breaths.
Happy thoughts. Sing with me, okay?
- You okay?
- Works every time.
Dang, what's that all about?
In two hours, I'm supposed to make
the most important speech of my life.
It's been a rough day.
Sweetheart, if it was all smooth sailing,
you know where we'd be?
- Bored to tears, that's what.
- Amen.
Take this sister over here.
Come here, baby.
Good. It's the curve balls
that make life interesting.
Shows us what we're made of.
And sometimes, if we're real lucky...
...there's a blessing waiting for us
at the end of that wrong turn.
Well, what if there's been
about 50 wrong turns?
That last wrong turn brought you
in here, didn't it?
So prepare to be blessed.
Mickey. Bring me my toolbox.
We got some major bling to do.
- Who's Major Bling?
- Honey, this is Big Shirl's House of Bling.
This is where the bling is born.
This is where bling lives.
You got nothing to worry about.
Just so we're clear,
I'd like a more corporate bling.
Boy, you is filthy.
What am I gonna do with you?
Boyfriend. Well, you girlfriend now.
New York Knicks, baby! New York Knicks!
- You look so hot.
- I feel hot.
Sisters got some sister in them!
Y'all good to go.
- Thank you so much.
- Oh, you're welcome.
- I promise we'll pay you back.
- Honey, it's on the house.
- Thank you.
- Bye-bye.
- Good luck.
- Thanks.
- All right.
- I think I can pull this off.
Hello? Oh, it's for you.
Hello? Jane Ryan speaking.
I have your boyfriend.
- I don't have a boyfriend.
- Then I have your sister's boyfriend.
My sister doesn't
have a boyfriend, either.
Okay, look. Whatever.
I'm through with being Mr. Softy.
You meet me in Times Square
at corner of 47th and Broadway...
...in 20 minutes,
or else I will burn your book.
He's gonna burn my book.
He's not gonna burn your book.
That's censorship.
- We have to go.
- Well, let's go.
We need a ride, Big Shirl.
- Mickey, get your cab.
- Not now, Ma.
- Around the corner.
- Thank you!
- Be careful. All right. See you.
- Roxanne Ryan. Cease and desist!
Who's that cracker?
I don't know.
He ain't from around here.
Hurry, get in the car!
Okay.
Jane, start the car.
I'm not exactly a strong driver.
Step out of the car, Ryan. It's all over.
- What do I do?
- Brake, left. Gas, right. Go!
Watch out for the guy!
- Slow down!
- Sorry!
- Braking. Red.
- I know.
Stop!
Nassau County Department of Truancy.
I'm taking over your vehicle.
- Okey-dokey.
- What fun.
Tim Brooger. My wife, Steffi.
- Pleased to meet you.
- Buckle up. Could be bumpy.
How you got your driver's license
is beyond me.
You didn't? You failed your driver's test?
That's incredible.
I got 100 percent on the written.
I just didn't quite pass the driving part.
- Are we gonna be in a car chase?
- Don't tell me.
- We've never been in a car chase.
- No, sir. Not one.
- Seen them on TV.
- I think New York has the best car chases.
- Oh, shoot...
- Small favor, Clem. Put a sock in it.
Done, sir.
- Where is he? Is he behind us?
- Yeah.
We drove all the way from Minnetonka,
Minnesota just to see New York City.
The Big Apple.
- They say it's the city that never sleeps.
- I think it will now that you've hit town.
- Red light, red light!
- I know!
Red!
I read the rule book.
I know what red means.
Hi. I need to go to 112th...
Go! Floor it!
- Oh, God!
- What are you doing here?
God, that is so hot!
Would you give me just a little air?
- I can't do this.
- You can do this. Breathe.
- I'm getting killed.
- Stop it.
Whoopsy-daisy!
- Can you drive a little bit faster?
- Do you want to drive?
I'll drive!
I don't know if this would be helpful,
but we do have a loudspeaker.
Sure, we use that for campfire sing-alongs
with our church group.
Testing. Testing, one, two.
Can this be heard?
- Roxanne Ryan, this is the law.
- Go!
- Pull over. Give yourself up.
- I'm being abducted!
You think I'm kidding. I'm not.
You're only making things worse.
You'll be in detention the rest of your life.
So let's end this right now.
- This is kind of fun.
- It's not fun!
Where'd he go?
I think we lost him.
You might wanna look to your right.
Okay, playtime's over, Ryan.
Let's put the toys away and go home.
- Pull over!
- Turn right here.
You're going the wrong way!
- I thought you said right here.
- Times Square's the other right.
I have it under control.
Yeah, right. Then where are we going?
What are you doing?
Signaling. I know the rules.
Hang on, people.
Why are we reversing?
It's a one-way street!
- We're going the wrong way.
- No, but we're facing the right way.
- You're mine now, Ryan.
- It's too tight. We're not gonna make it.
- We'll make it.
- We're not gonna make it!
- Who's the professional here, you or me?
- I wanna say you.
Go!
Look, there's a gate!
I'm sorry.
- Take some of that.
- Are you trying to kill us?
I just saved your life,
and you're criticizing me?
- Welcome to my world.
- What's that supposed to mean?
It means you're always
looking down on me.
- Looking down on you?
- Yeah.
I've been looking out for you.
Hey. Let me out of this car!
Thanks for nothing!
- How have you been looking out for me?
- Are you insane? That's all I ever do!
The one day, the one time I want it
to be about me for a change...
...I get inducted into the Roxy Ryan
School of Juvenile Delinquency.
I've been trying to help you
from the minute we left.
Lot of good that's done.
Where are you going? I'm not finished.
Yeah, well, I am.
Why don't you run along and have fun.
That's what you're good at.
As opposed to you, which is walking away
whenever we have a real conversation?
I don't have time for a real conversation.
- I'm too busy taking care of things.
- So who asked you to?
You did. The minute you stopped taking
responsibility for anything since Mom died.
That doesn't mean you get
to be her replacement.
You know what I miss most about Mom?
Is that she loved that we were different.
And you punish me for it.
From the day Mom died...
...you've done nothing but push me
out of your life.
- I have not.
- Oh, come on, Jane.
The biggest day of your academic career,
and you didn't even bother to invite me.
Well, forgive me for wanting the day
to be about me for a change.
I make honor roll, Dad doesn't notice
because you're in detention.
I'm captain of the cheerleading squad,
and Dad can't come to one game.
One game, because he's busy going
to your parent/counselor meetings.
You wanna know why I want
this fellowship abroad?
It's because it's 3000 miles
away from you.
Well, I really hope you get it, then.
Roxy.
Don't you worry. I'm not going to let
the mean little man hurt you.
Hey, I don't know who you are
or what your game is...
...but you've caused me a great deal
of inconvenience today.
Not to mention, I am this close
to missing my speech.
So let's have it. Let's have it.
You finished?
Ancient Chinese proverb:
You snooze, you lose.
- Anyone, help!
- Let's take her to Ma.
Perfect timing.
Hello!
Help!
Help!
- Help me!
- Hello?
Roxy?
- Trey?
- Yeah.
- What are you doing in there?
- Can we talk after you open the trunk?
- Thanks.
- Are you okay? What happened?
I'm coming to find you, next thing I know,
this limo guy just shoves me in there.
Just when you think the day
can't get any worse.
- You okay?
- I just got in a huge fight with my sister.
She was gonna give a speech today.
Now she won't win the fellowship...
...because there's no way she's getting
there on time, and it's all my fault.
You sure about that?
- Do you wanna take a field trip right now?
- Yeah.
- Come on.
- Okay.
Taxi!
Now, it's just you and me.
All alone. No excuses.
Come on. Drink this.
Drink this, and then the chip
will come out.
This goes in here, chip come out here.
I'm not kidding around. Drink it.
See?
Like that. Hey, that's pretty good.
Come on.
This movie isn't out yet.
Neither is this CD.
So that's what these guys are up to.
Just listen to me. Give me that chip.
You don't want me to use this, do you?
I don't even know what this is.
But it's not gonna be pleasant.
Now, give me the chip!
Look into my eyes.
I'm torturing you.
It's unbearable!
Bennie! This is your idea of torture?
It's pathetic!
We do it my way.
Cats have nine lives.
I wonder if little doggy does.
Okay. I hope they haven't started.
I can't run in these heels.
The increase and/or decrease
in a nation's productivity...
...or other such political aggregate...
...can be regarded as the penultimate
indicator of a nation...
Go see what she's doing.
Make her stop! Go.
Cut it out in there! You make a mess,
you clean it up.
Sorry!
- He bit me!
- Get it off of me!
Come on, Reinaldo. Come on!
Come on.
- Hey, stranger.
- Would you like to save my life?
- I have 28 minutes to go 111 blocks.
- I could do that.
- Where'd they go?
- Bennie, where are they? Let's go!
- Okay.
- Hold on.
Hold on, okay?
- You all right?
- Yeah.
This is it.
I don't see her.
Jane Ryan?
- Yeah?
- You're late. You're on next.
- Are you sure you know what you're doing?
- Look...
...I got her into this mess,
I have to get her out.
Plus, how hard could it be reading
a bunch of note cards?
Just go with me on this one.
Okay, yeah. You're gonna do great.
- All right. See you out there. Good luck.
- Thanks.
Nice blazer, Muffie.
Oh, gridlock!
- Do you have a horn?
- We'll take a shortcut.
Hey, what are you doing?
Sorry.
Excuse us.
- Sorry.
- What's the matter with you?
In this instance, we must defer to the
famed economist, Adam Smith...
...who laid the foundation of a free market.
Mother.
What are you doing here?
I'm honorary chair of the McGill Fellowship.
What are you doing here?
- I wanted to see you present the award.
- Well, that's very sweet.
Our last finalist is from Long Island
and has a 4.2 GPA.
She's student-body president
and captain of her cheerleading squad.
Please welcome Jane Ryan.
Keep it together. It's okay.
Oh, my God.
You may proceed...
...Miss Ryan.
- Please.
- Right.
Oh, man.
Well...
...as many of you all know...
...the economy is...
...very, very important to all of us.
Take the word "economy."
You have "eco,"
which stands for environment.
You know, which we're all
real big supporters of.
And we have "onomy," which...
...is pig Latin for "money."
Money, economy.
Right.
- Go, go, go. Good luck.
- Okay.
- Are you coming? Come on.
- Yeah.
Well...
...for as the...
...the famous,
famous Canadian professor...
...Avril Lavigne...
...stein once said, and I quote:
"Why'd you have to go and make things
so complicated?
I see the way you're acting, like you're
somebody else, gets me frustrated.
Life's like this:
You fall, and you crawl...
...and you break, and you take
what you can get.
You turn it into honesty...
...and promise me I'm never
gonna find you fake it.
No. No.
No."
- Oh, thank God.
- Roxy?
Well, ladies and gentlemen,
that's all the time I have for... So...
...will the real Jane Ryan please stand up?
Reinaldo!
Trey, what is going on?
Apparently, the dog groomer delivers.
Are you okay?
What are you doing here?
Well, aside from completely
humiliating myself...
I'm sorry. I wanted to read
the speech for you...
No. Please. Here. I can take it from here.
Are you sure?
Ladies and gentlemen,
my name is Jane Ryan.
Roxy, behind you!
Nassau County Department of Truancy.
This girl, Roxanne Ryan,
is now in my custody.
And that girl, Jane Ryan, is an accomplice
in her criminal activities!
And she stole my stupid ugly mutt too.
I don't know what is going on here,
but that "mutt" is mine.
Come here, ugly doggy.
- And I order you to give him back.
- Yeah, you and what army, lady?
- Officer!
- Me?
Arrest that man!
Yes, ma'am.
Oh, my baby.
Fly.
Every time.
- Hey, that's my mom's dog!
- I think it started.
It doesn't look like Cats.
Everybody, freeze.
Someone please explain to me
what is going on.
I think I can do that.
See, this guy over here...
...that man who thinks he's Chinese...
You're not.
- And his mother are criminals dealing
in pirated music, movies...
...and probably Gucci handbags.
I don't know.
- Probably.
- The guy with the eyebrows.
- We know him. He drove us over here.
- He didn't tell us he was in the play.
A cop and an actor.
And how, may I ask, did you two
get involved in this?
- I think I can shed some light on that.
- You see...
...senator, it was this crime fighter here,
Officer Lomax...
...who tracked down the Bang family
and wouldn't rest until justice was served.
So really, we're just witnesses
to his sting operation.
- Yeah! What she said.
- Is that true, Officer Lomax?
Did you engineer this collar?
Well, I don't want to gloat, senator,
but I think "mastermind"...
...might be a more appropriate
choice of words.
I love you.
Just a second.
I assume that wasn't the speech
you intended to give this afternoon.
- Not exactly, but...
- No. No. It wasn't.
But you should have heard the real one.
It was amazing, and I know this, because
I heard her practice it 1000 times.
And trust me, she would have won
this thing hands down.
I'm sorry today didn't work out
the way you planned.
See, I thought today was about the speech,
the fellowship...
...my academic future.
But instead, it was about something
much more important.
It just took me a few wrong turns
to see it.
- That was something else, wasn't it?
- Honey, I loved it. I loved it!
Yes. You gotta... Come on.
Gotta give it up for the Cats!
Who let the cats out?
Get your hands where I can see them.
- Who let the cats out?
- You're not even a real cop.
Zip it, Odd Job.
Thanks to you, that's all gonna change.
Let me do it.
- So you're not mad?
- Are you kidding?
I can't believe what you did for me today.
- Listen...
- I want to apologize...
...for saying the things I said earlier.
It's just...
...I was having a meltdown.
Everything was going wrong.
That's because every time I tried to fix it,
it got worse.
The point is...
...we haven't spent the day together
in a really long time...
...and I've really missed you.
I've missed you too.
And I'm so, so sorry
if I ever made you feel...
...like you had to take Mom's place.
She would have been really proud.
Both of us.
It was really great bumping
into you today.
Maybe we could bump again.
Did I just say that?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
And I'm glad you did.
- So how about you just give me a call?
- Okay.
Yeah.
Jane Ryan?
Bye.
Bye.
Allow me to introduce myself.
My name is Hudson McGill.
Listen, I am so sorry about everything
that happened today...
You know what?
I think you handled yourself really well
today, considering everything.
The McGill Foundation
would be really honored...
...if you would represent us
at Oxford University next year.
But...
- I don't understand.
- I found these.
This would have been an amazing speech.
It's not just that you wanted to win...
...it's that you absolutely refused to fail.
And you didn't.
You deserve this fellowship, Jane.
You really do.
- Congratulations and good luck.
- Thank you.
- Can you believe it?
- I'm so happy.
I don't...
- Thank you.
- No, thank you.
One, two, three, four!
- Hey.
- Hi.
So have you given any thought
to visiting me in London?
Yeah. Yeah, I'm not gonna
be able to visit you.
It's not gonna work out for me. Sorry.
It's okay. I mean, your whole life's here.
I get it.
Jane, I'm playing. I'm moving. I'm actually
transferring schools there next year.
Really? Seriously?
- Are you excited?
- Yeah.
I've got this great idea for the video.
It's, like, Roxy, and she's dressed
as a cucumber, and...
Well, maybe I should just be happy that I'm
going to London on tour with you guys...
...and keep these thoughts to myself.
- Agreed.
Open up! Police!
Cut it, guys. Cut it.
Sorry to break up the party here, kids.
But you see, I got this little VW Bug
parked out there in a loading zone.
License number 2 Quilted Laxative 4
Santa Kansas Limerick.
Where's Roxanne Ryan?
You've got to be kidding me.
I am.
I just stopped by to wish you
bon voyage...
...and maybe get an autograph.
Of course you may, Officer Lomax.
Thank you, ma'am.
Hey, lggy Pop, crank the juice on that half
stack, and let's hear what this band can do!
You heard him. Let's roll the guitars.
Nice work, son.
[ENGLISH]
---
I'm late. I'm late.
Ready for your speech, Ms. Ryan?
Are you sure you're prepared this time?
Are you sure you're not
forgetting anything, Jane?
Sure you're not
forgetting anything, Jane?
Please welcome Jane Ryan.
What?
Just a dream.
Morning, Mom. Miss you.
- Morning.
- Morning, Dad.
I'm up.
I'm up.
Ladies and gentlemen,
my name is Jane Ryan.
My name is Jane Ryan.
My name is Jane Ryan.
Good morning, Justin.
"Simple Plan shoot...
...59th and Ninth, New York City."
- Making sure you're up.
- Yeah, just finishing an essay.
Three weeks into school,
and you haven't cut once. I like it.
Maybe I won't have to send you
to Sister Mary Margaret's after all.
School...
...or Simple Plan video shoot?
I'm here today as a finalist
for the McGill Fellowship.
What excuses shall we
use this time, Ringo?
Ringo? Ringo, where are you?
"Death of a pet, religious holiday...
...female problems." Last week.
"Lllnesses. Chickenpox." Print.
- Perfect.
- Perfect.
Thank you, New York City!
Ringo, there you are.
Did the little mean lady scare you?
Yes, I know she did.
Jane. Why do you insist on playing Mom?
Okay? Dad doesn't have time for breakfast.
Not listening.
- How's it going, guys?
- Hi.
- Your breakfast is on the table.
- Smells great.
Wait.
- There you go.
- Thanks.
You're welcome.
Never, ever touch my day planner.
Okay, you need to chill on the nerd book,
okay? You have issues.
Okay, how frequent are the contractions?
Have them head down to the hospital.
I'll meet them there. Yeah.
- Jane...
- No, Dad, it's fine.
No, it's not fine.
I know this is your big day.
I will do everything I can to get
to Columbia to see your speech.
- I know you will.
- Okay, excuse me.
Jane, sorry, I know this is the biggest day
of your academic career...
...but Dad, will you sign my field-trip
permission form, please?
Shakespeare in the Park?
Great! Which play?
You know, the one with
the girl and the guy...
...love, the tights, hair.
- Romeo and Juliet?
- Yeah! Thank you. I totally blanked.
- I love that play.
- I know. Me too.
- Your mom would have been so proud.
Would you mind giving your sister a lift?
- Not at all.
- It wouldn't kill you to spend time together.
Breakfast was great, but I got to go.
Okay. Well, then, take this, okay?
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- Love you.
- Love you too. Good luck.
- I hope you don't get caught.
- I won't.
- Let's get the show on the road.
- Think about a car wash.
You might wanna think
about buying a car.
- I'm saving up for college.
- That makes one of us.
Mind putting on the radio?
- Not at all.
- What is this?
Too cool for school.
Yeah.
Where are we going? We have
26 minutes to get to the station...
...and I can't be late.
We just have to make a pit stop
at my manager's.
Wait, you have a manager?
- Howdy, Rox.
- Hello.
- Come on in.
- Thanks.
Seventy-eight!
- So how's the party?
- It's going great.
We're on a marathon mission.
So I burned you 30. Check it out.
Thanks.
- Why am I on the cover?
- Marketing, baby.
- You're the hottest one in the band.
- Hey, Roxy.
- That's not saying much.
- Here's your all-access pass.
That will get you into the shoot.
Now, remember...
...we've got to hit up the A-and-R guys.
- We gotta get this contract.
- How will I know it's them?
Middle-aged guys, fancy suits...
...bad, old-fashioned dancing.
- Right.
- Got it? All right.
- Yes. Bye.
- Good luck.
- Okay. Thank you.
Yeah, 79!
Who's there?
- Pool guy.
- Pool guy?
You're not the pool guy.
You get to go right to the head
of the class.
Nassau County Department of Truancy.
Pool party's over, Flubber.
Do you want to come over here?
Put your hands behind your head.
On your feet, gentlemen.
Hands up where I can see them.
- Up, up, up!
- What's going on?
You let me do the interrogating, son,
we'll get along fine.
My mom's gonna kill me.
Got six future felons for you, Strauss.
Each one facing five to 10...
Days of detention, Lomax.
- Days of detention.
- Just book them.
"Book them." Would you
give it a rest, Lomax?
You're a truancy officer,
you're not Dirty Harry.
You know, this kind of crud is what
kept you out of the force for 25 years.
I'm on the heels of the number-one truant
in Nassau County...
...and when I find her, and I will find her...
...your boys will be doing back flips
to make sure I'm wearing that badge.
Hey, Einstein, over here.
I feel bad lumping you in there
with those other losers...
...because you strike me as being a...
I don't know, a smart kid.
I see a big future here.
I look at this face,
I see a surgeon general.
I see a Supreme Court judge.
Do you have any idea what a 10-day
suspension will look like on your record?
You'll be lucky to be accepted
to the Acme School of Welding.
Now...
...do yourself a favor.
Where can I find Roxanne Ryan?
You can give me
all the detention you like.
But if there's something I'm not,
that's a rat.
Fine. Suit yourself.
- Car, car! Look out!
- Hold on.
What's the matter with you?!
- Nice park.
- Thanks.
Excuse me, could you just not?
Okay, speech at 3.
Perfect. Okay...
You can't sit here. I need quiet.
Chill. You won't even know I'm here.
I'm close to winning the fellowship.
I've worked my whole life for this.
What is this stupid thing, anyway?
This stupid thing is a four-year
scholarship to Oxford University.
Oxford?
- As in England?
- No, Oxford, as in nowhere near you.
- Maybe you would like to switch seats...
- No!
Yeah.
- Why Oxford?
- Why are you even here?
Because Simple Plan's shooting
their new music video.
So I'll canvass the A-and-R guys,
give them my demo...
...and hopefully be the new opening act.
Great. There'll be lots of concerts
at Sister Mary Margaret's.
How's the school gonna know?
As far as they're concerned,
I'm home with the chicken...
Chickenpox.
Chickenpox, my Aunt Fanny.
Who is it?
It's Savitsky, your landlord.
You're two weeks late on rent.
Mr. Savitsky,
can we deal with this later...
...because I'm working on a very big
case right now. I'm busy.
- You're dizzy? You should lie down.
- I said, I'm busy!
So get busy writing a check,
Lomax! Jeez.
Where have you gone, Miss Ryan?
Where have you gone?
Well, your simple plan's about to get a bit
more complicated, Roxanne Ryan.
All right, open up.
Can you believe this?
- I'm sorry.
- All right, Roxy Ryan!
- Oh, my God!
- It's okay!
- I'm so sorry!
- What are you...? Stop that!
- I'm sorry.
- What are you, a couple of monsters?
Tickets. Tickets, please.
Please have your tickets ready.
Tickets, please. I'm not doing
this for my health. Thank you.
- I suppose you'll need some money?
- No. I can manage on my own.
- Hello?
- Tickets. Very nice.
Tickets, please.
- Oh, my...
- I'm in hell.
- I'm sorry.
- What are you looking at? Stop looking!
I said I was...
Ticket.
Hi.
We are so over! Over!
Shoot.
Oh, very funny.
- Excuse me?
- No ticket, no ride.
- I have a ticket. Give me a minute.
- Let's see it. Come on.
That was my twin sister you just threw off.
Right there.
Oh, yeah. The phantom twin sister.
I'm scared. Hold me.
Do I look that stupid to you?
Do you want me to answer that?
- I have a ticket! It's in my purse!
- Let's go. Come on.
Step away from the train.
- God, I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
- Sorry.
- It's okay.
Here, just give me a sec, okay? One sec.
Okay. If you can't get it out,
I'll just take my skirt off.
Did I just say that out loud?
Yeah, you did.
- Man, you're really stuck, you know that?
- Yeah.
All right, on the count of three.
One, two, three.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God.
Hey, it looks nice.
Thanks.
All aboard! If you have a ticket.
I gotta go.
- Okay.
- I'll see you.
Hopefully.
- Bye.
- Bye.
The ripped look? It's so two minutes ago.
Stay away from me.
According to this schedule, it says there
should be another train in 43 minutes.
Not today there isn't. Track construction.
- Next train for New York leaves in 3 hours.
- You've got to be kidding me.
- Taxi!
- Hey!
Taxi!
Nice move.
There you are.
Here I am.
All of the taxis are gone.
And you need a ride.
I give you ride.
- No.
- I give you free ride.
No. I don't take rides from strangers.
But I got a limo. Big, long, white one
like Barbie ride in.
I don't believe you. It says it right here.
There's gonna be another train.
How could I forget?
It's the magic-leprechaun train.
It leaves for New York whenever you want.
Powered by your imagination.
- Jane!
- I'm sorry, is someone talking?
Because I don't hear anyone.
I just wanna let you know I have a limo
if you're looking for a ride.
Don't worry,
it's a professional car service.
Your attention please, the 9:45 to...
- Thanks.
- Here, let me get your bag.
- No, it's okay. I got it.
- But I insist.
No, it's okay. I insist.
Wait for me.
My personal assistant.
I'd be lost without her.
My name's Bennie.
You and her going same place?
"You and she." The correct grammar is "she."
See, you're using the wrong possessive...
Smarty pants.
You've reached the Ryan residence.
Leave your message after the beep.
Yeah, Dr. Ryan, this is Max Lomax...
...Nassau County Department of Truancy.
I'm calling in regard to
your daughter Roxanne.
Could you call me at 993-1176...
...and reference case number
7 Tango Niner Popcorn X-ray 5?
Have a pleasant day.
How's it going?
How you doing?
Stop it.
- Roxy, please. I can't concentrate.
- What's up?
Please stop.
Get me Ma.
It's number-one adopted son.
Bennie? You said you be here by 9 a.m.
That was 20 minutes ago.
I need that chip.
Bennie will be there soon, Ma.
Bennie, either you talk in Chinese
or you speak in English.
But enough with the accent.
- I'm sorry, Ma.
- Don't call me Ma.
From 9 to 5, you're my number-one
killing machine.
Yes, I'm your killing machine, Ma.
Bye, Ma.
Kids.
Hey, bud? Are you lost?
Ancient Chinese proverb:
Never accept ride from stranger!
- Help! Help us!
- Help!
- Help! He's gonna kill us!
- Help!
Come on! Hurry!
Okay, let's go! Come on.
Thank you.
- Why is he after us?
- Go!
- I think we lost him.
- There you are.
- You speak Chinese?
- There's a lot you don't know about me.
- Give me that!
- Hey, buster!
Bring it on, tubby.
I didn't know you took jujitsu.
- Tae kwon do.
- Thanks.
Two times a week.
Three years.
- Now I'm mad.
- What are you...?
- That hurt.
- Here we go.
Yeah!
I'm gonna kill you!
That's what we get for
taking a ride from a stranger.
- Please. It was exciting.
- Exciting?
Almost being mugged and getting stuck
in the middle of nowhere is not exciting.
Now what?
These were my best heels.
Give me the other one.
Give me the shoe. Please. Thank you.
Now they're your best flats.
Either of you ladies spare some change?
- Oh, yeah, here.
- You're feeding this poor man's disease.
- Just let him have the dollar.
- Buy him a snack, like a granola bar.
Thanks. I got a dollar!
That is not just a cherry Slurpee.
I smell alcohol. Please don't freak.
Or not.
Yes!
Now we're cooking with gas.
Out of the way, suckers.
Come on, folks. Police emergency.
Come on!
Back up, people. Clear the street.
You call this respect for the law?
I look like a duck waddling
in these shoes.
DVD.
Very cheap. Need Holiday.
Wait!
Great. Just great.
- Can I use your restroom?
- Bathroom is for customer only.
Down the aisle to the left.
She has her whole life ahead of her.
She should not be drinking.
That's what I keep telling her.
You've reached the Ryan residence.
Leave your message...
You have one new message.
Yeah, Dr. Ryan, this is Max Lomax...
...Nassau County Department of Truancy.
- Correction, this was Max Lomax.
- These for now, those for later.
- Very hungry for a small person.
- Thirsty too? Okay.
- Red Bull.
- You'll never pull it off.
- Never?
- Not today. Not tomorrow.
- So no.
I like the yellow one better.
Really?
What did you do, fall in?
Cash or charge?
I need some money.
Total amount is 47.24.
Oh, my God! My day planner!
I must have left it in the limo! My life is in
it! My speech, my credit cards, my money!
So I don't suppose I could start a tab?
Tab is for valid customers only.
Thank you. Don't come again.
This is all your fault.
How's it my fault you left
the book in the limo?
It's your fault I was even in the limo.
I can't even function
without my day planner.
I'm trying to think of a reason
to keep on living.
Still trying. Still trying.
- You need to chill. You just need to relax.
- Relax?
How am I supposed to relax?
My relaxation tapes are in my day planner!
- Snap out of it!
- Don't hit me.
Listen. Okay, your speech doesn't start until
3:00. That gives you three and a half hours!
- Four and a half.
- Same thing.
Roxy, spontaneity doesn't just happen.
You have to get there and rehearse.
Besides, where am I gonna
get cleaned up?
I have a plan.
Checking in, ladies?
- We're with the band.
- Yeah.
- Well, then.
- I'm Paris, this is Nicky.
Welcome, Paris.
- How could you let them go?
- Well, they're very smart.
- One of them even spoke Chinese.
- I don't care.
What's so important
about this stupid chip?
That stupid chip contains millions of dollars
in pirated music.
Pirate music? You mean:
Bennie!
Okay. I know what you mean.
I was just kidding.
We send chip to Hong Kong...
...they transfer it from chip
onto compact disk.
They sell pirated copies,
and we make millions.
Okay, I understand.
I'll get the chip back
and restore honor to family.
After all, I am your
number-one adopted son.
Get chip, make compact disk,
sell to teenagers.
What are we doing here?
Watch and learn.
I'd love to.
But I'm presenting an award this afternoon.
You know that.
Carey, come. Hurry, hurry.
Now!
This is your plan?
Yep. And a pretty good one.
Breaking into a hotel room is exactly how
Nixon went down. I'm not going in there.
Not going in there.
I'm not going in there.
Okay, I'm going in there.
Okay, I'm just going to get cleaned up,
and then we're out of here.
Clean up, get out.
What?
- It's a...
- Dog.
I think.
Well...
...you take a shower first...
...and I'll take the doggy.
Come on, puppy.
- Jane Ryan speaking.
- I have your date book.
- Roxy!
- What?
- What?
- It's the psycho. He has my day planner.
Let me... I'll talk to him.
- Be nice.
- Okay.
- Listen, you...
- I told you to be nice.
You can take money...
...you can have the credit cards,
just please don't hurt my speech.
Shut up. I talk, you listen.
- Okay. Good idea.
- You took my chip.
Roxy, did you eat this man's chips?
- No.
- You sure?
- I didn't eat his chips.
- She didn't eat your chips.
No, not chips. Chip. My microchip.
Listen, we need that book back.
So meet us outside the Plaza Hotel
in 30 minutes, or I will eat your chips.
Found the chip!
- Hi.
- Hi.
Is today my birthday?
Oh, my God. I'm sorry.
We're just leaving.
- My sister.
- There's gonna be a five-alarm fire...
...if my mom finds you.
- This psycho stole my day planner...
...which has my entire life in it.
Now we have to give him his chip back.
Okay, so psycho, day planner,
computer chip...
Yeah, makes perfect sense to me.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
But you might have a little trouble
swapping the chip.
- Why?
- Because Reinaldo just ate it.
No. No, he didn't.
- Are you serious?
- The little green thing, he just ate it.
- Spit it out. Come on.
- Hello?
- Hello, Trey.
- Hi, Mom.
I'm on my way up. Change of schedule.
Bring my purse, dear.
I'm meeting Hillary at 1.
Okay.
All right. So my mom's on her way up.
She's a senator. Anne Baxter Lipton.
- A senator?
- Should've kept that little fact to yourself.
- A senator.
- Yeah.
I can never run for office now.
- Come here, little puppy.
- I'll be right back.
- Get it out.
- Shake it out.
- Shake it out.
- Spit it out.
- Hey, easy...
- A senator?
- Come on.
- The dog ate the chip.
I need the chip to get the day planner.
- This isn't happening.
- He bit me!
Calm down. I don't want it.
Don't throw him.
- Keep it!
- You take him!
My bad.
Oh, thank God. Reinaldo.
Jane, what are you doing?
You're gonna wind up dead!
Without that chip, I am dead.
Okay. Come back here.
Come here, doggy.
Okay. Here we go. Okay.
Trey? Trey?
- My mom.
- Why is the door locked?
- I'll be late for the Simple Plan shoot.
- The video shoot?
- Yeah.
- Trey? Hello?
- At least tell me your name before you go.
- Roxy.
- Roxy.
- Jane. Come here.
I was taking a nap. Sorry.
Look what I got my little boy for lunch.
Thanks, Mom. I already ate.
Reinaldo.
Reinaldo, come here, boy.
Look what Mommy has for you.
Come here, my precious little baby.
Where's my...? Come on.
Look what Mommy has.
Reinaldo, don't make Mommy beg.
- Hold on.
- Come here, doggy. Doggy.
Trey. Where is Reinaldo?
He always answers when I call.
He's not answering.
Come here, doggy.
So I can stick my finger down your throat.
Whatever you do, don't look down.
Mom, there's something
you should know, okay?
Now, Reinaldo, he...
I took him to the groomer's.
Why would you do that?
Because he smelled.
- Don't worry. We're getting out of here.
- I can't move.
Oh, God, I almost forgot. I gotta go.
I gotta... Yeah. I'm going to be late.
Don't forget to pick up Reinaldo.
Give me the dog.
Deals like this are the result of years
of really hard work.
Things don't just fall out of the sky.
- How you doing?
- Going down!
- That wasn't so bad.
- No.
Can I have my towel, please?
- Sir, I need your help.
- Yes, sir.
Help me find a dog
and two girls in towels.
Who exactly are they?
Okay, puppy. Okay. Go home.
You need to go home.
- What are you doing?
- We need to go.
No, we need that dog.
That dog is my life. And when he poops,
his poop is my life.
Come on, Reinaldo! Come on.
- Good puppy. Okay.
- Can anything else go wrong today?
- Am I squashing you?
- Yeah. It's great.
- Did I just...?
- Yeah. You just said that out loud.
If we keep bumping into each other like
this, one of us is gonna get hurt.
I'm willing to take that chance.
- Roxy!
- Paris! Nicky!
- How can I find you?
- Call her. 555-8989.
She's home every night.
- What's your name?
- It's Jane.
I'm Jim!
Here. How am I gonna survive
without my watch?
I don't know.
Come on. You can poopy.
Just a little one. Come on.
Any luck?
Think we have something.
- False alarm.
- I can't go looking like this.
- I'm starting to have heart palpitations.
- No, don't worry, okay?
We're gonna fix you up. I promise.
It's all gonna work out.
Where are you going?
To get my day planner back.
- I'll go with you.
- No.
I don't think that's such a good idea.
Our togetherness today
hasn't exactly been good luck.
Rox, I'll be fine.
It's in front of the Plaza.
There's a lot of witnesses.
It's not like this guy's exactly,
like, a criminal mastermind.
So have fun at the concert.
Video shoot.
59th and Ninth. If you care.
Okay, kiddies.
Playtime's over.
Where do you think you're going?
I'm on a case.
Where do you think you're going?
What do you mean?
I'm not going anywhere.
So we're clear on that.
Yeah. I didn't think so.
Jeff. What's up, man? It's Trey.
Hey, you remember that Simple Plan
video shoot you were telling me about?
Yeah. Where is it?
It's 59th and Ninth. Are you sure?
That's awesome, man. You rock.
I owe you. Bye.
Boy, talk about anal-retentive.
This girl is a cuckoo bird.
I'm surprised she doesn't have trips to the
bathroom scheduled. Wait, right here, 3:30.
- Look, I think we...
- You're late.
I think we got off on the wrong foot
a while back.
I just wanna know... Okay.
Give me my chip.
- What's this?
- It's your chip.
- Excuse me?
- Well, you see, Reinaldo here...
...he ate your chip.
- Reinaldo ate my chip.
- Is this some kind of joke?
- I don't joke.
Can I have my day planner back?
You know what I think I do?
I think I run over the dog with the car.
No, wait, that might damage the chip.
You give me my chip, or I'll kill you!
Cough it up, pooch.
No, no. Please don't hurt him.
Give it to me. Let me have it!
Good shot, Reinaldo.
Disgusting!
Mike one, check. Testing, one, two.
One, two.
Excuse me, fellas.
Excuse me, Cochise. Thattaboy.
- I'm so excited.
- Thanks.
- You're good.
- Roxy.
- Hi.
- Hey.
I was wondering if you knew
where my mom's dog was.
But I mean, I also wanted
to see you again.
Come on! Move it!
- Do you have a pass?
- No.
I'll be right back, okay?
So just stay here.
- I'll figure it out.
- Figure it out somewhere else, okay?
Simple Plan.
They rock.
Got all their LPs.
I'm sorry, I didn't get your name.
Is it Loser?
How come you're not in school?
Okay, okay. Don't worry.
I've got bigger fish to fry.
- Excuse me. Coming through.
- Thanks for coming to this video shoot.
We're gonna need
a lot of your energy today.
So are you guys ready?
Are we ready?
Rox, where are you?
This is the scene live in midtown,
where punk-rock group Simple Plan...
...is shooting their latest music video.
- A little louder!
Nice. Get ready. Welcome, Simple Plan!
What's up, New York City?
Old-school dance moves.
Hi. Please give it a listen.
Our contact info's inside.
- Nice packaging. Let's take a look.
- Thanks.
Hello, Miss Ryan.
So nice to finally meet you face to face.
It's been quite a chase
all these years, huh?
One not without a few clever maneuvers
on your part...
...but here we are.
- You know what? I'm tired of running.
- I'll go quietly.
- I don't use handcuffs, Miss Ryan.
- Just brains.
- But before we go, Mr. Lomax...
- Yeah?
- Check your fly.
What's that?
- I have to get by.
- Where do you think you're going?
You may want to check your fly.
Roxy!
Hey, man, what's up?
It's Lomax.
Everybody, jump. Jump!
Roxy!
- Lomax!
- Lomax?
Lomax?
- We're trapped.
- Take my hand.
Roxy?
Roxy!
Has everybody washed their hands?
I'm next!
That's gotta hurt.
Sorry about that. Sorry. Excuse me.
I'm sorry, guys. Excuse me.
I'm looking for two girls and this little dog
that just ran out of here.
- Did you see where they went?
- I did.
- They went to the Simple Plan after-party.
- Great.
You know, I'm going there now.
I drive all the VIPs.
- I could give you a ride.
- Yeah? Thanks, man.
Thanks.
- This Lomax guy is crazy.
- I know.
Okay.
- Let's hide in the tent.
- Okay.
Cover up the manhole. We're done here.
Give me a hand!
The climactic event
of my academic career is in two hours.
And I'm drenched with a dog
in a sewer. Yeah.
No. See, we're in luck.
It's just the water main.
- I'm just trying to look on the bright side.
- Bright side? There is no bright side.
Well, I don't know. I was thinking that...
That what?
We haven't spent
the day together in years.
And today has made me realize
how much I've missed that.
And I don't know, I was having fun.
And you were too, because I saw
the smile on your face...
...when we were crowd surfing.
- I was acting for the cameras.
- Just a little bit.
Okay, so maybe it was a little fun.
- What's with that Lomax guy?
- He's the truant officer.
He's been after me for years,
but I outsmart him every time.
What can I say?
You're insane. You know that?
Yeah. I know.
You okay, buddy?
Yeah, I'm doing just fine,
Sherlock. Yourself?
Wife and kids? Think it'll rain?
How about those Mets?
Are we through chitchatting?
Tell me where this sewer pipe leads?
Well, that one there comes directly
from the main line on 125th.
Only way in or out.
- How's the patient?
- She should've gone for the C-section.
I'm gonna miss my daughter's speech
at Columbia.
She's gonna be so disappointed.
I hope she's okay.
The unpublicized event has drawn
quite a crowd here today.
Come on, move off the road. Please?
Hi, it's Jane. Leave a message.
Jane. Hey, it's Jim.
The guy that ripped your skirt
and pummeled you with his bike.
Sorry about that.
Anyway, I was just calling
to make sure you're okay.
So...
I'll keep looking for you.
I'm gonna make it up to you. All right?
See you.
We need to get out of here.
This thing is never-ending.
Wait a sec. Columbia's
on 116th Street, right?
Right.
I got you nine blocks away.
She can't get a date
because she sounds fat...
What's up with this fool?
White people are crazy.
Roxy, Columbia's on the West Side.
- Here we are. Let's find a subway.
- Let's ask the House of Bling.
Good idea.
- Can I help you?
- We are so not in Kansas anymore.
We're from the gas company.
- No gas here. Okay.
- Hold it.
I can't have anyone seeing you leave
my store looking like that.
- Mickey, show them out the back way.
- Okay, Ma.
Oh, come on.
- What? What is it?
- It's 1:13.
It's 1:13. I'm never gonna make it.
What's wrong with that girl?
- She doesn't do well under pressure.
- Oh, my God! I'm having a heart attack!
- Call 991. Call 991.
- Breathe.
Call 991! 991?
Stay calm!
Thank you. I'm not thirsty.
It's okay. Breathe. Breathe. Deep breaths.
Happy thoughts. Sing with me, okay?
- You okay?
- Works every time.
Dang, what's that all about?
In two hours, I'm supposed to make
the most important speech of my life.
It's been a rough day.
Sweetheart, if it was all smooth sailing,
you know where we'd be?
- Bored to tears, that's what.
- Amen.
Take this sister over here.
Come here, baby.
Good. It's the curve balls
that make life interesting.
Shows us what we're made of.
And sometimes, if we're real lucky...
...there's a blessing waiting for us
at the end of that wrong turn.
Well, what if there's been
about 50 wrong turns?
That last wrong turn brought you
in here, didn't it?
So prepare to be blessed.
Mickey. Bring me my toolbox.
We got some major bling to do.
- Who's Major Bling?
- Honey, this is Big Shirl's House of Bling.
This is where the bling is born.
This is where bling lives.
You got nothing to worry about.
Just so we're clear,
I'd like a more corporate bling.
Boy, you is filthy.
What am I gonna do with you?
Boyfriend. Well, you girlfriend now.
New York Knicks, baby! New York Knicks!
- You look so hot.
- I feel hot.
Sisters got some sister in them!
Y'all good to go.
- Thank you so much.
- Oh, you're welcome.
- I promise we'll pay you back.
- Honey, it's on the house.
- Thank you.
- Bye-bye.
- Good luck.
- Thanks.
- All right.
- I think I can pull this off.
Hello? Oh, it's for you.
Hello? Jane Ryan speaking.
I have your boyfriend.
- I don't have a boyfriend.
- Then I have your sister's boyfriend.
My sister doesn't
have a boyfriend, either.
Okay, look. Whatever.
I'm through with being Mr. Softy.
You meet me in Times Square
at corner of 47th and Broadway...
...in 20 minutes,
or else I will burn your book.
He's gonna burn my book.
He's not gonna burn your book.
That's censorship.
- We have to go.
- Well, let's go.
We need a ride, Big Shirl.
- Mickey, get your cab.
- Not now, Ma.
- Around the corner.
- Thank you!
- Be careful. All right. See you.
- Roxanne Ryan. Cease and desist!
Who's that cracker?
I don't know.
He ain't from around here.
Hurry, get in the car!
Okay.
Jane, start the car.
I'm not exactly a strong driver.
Step out of the car, Ryan. It's all over.
- What do I do?
- Brake, left. Gas, right. Go!
Watch out for the guy!
- Slow down!
- Sorry!
- Braking. Red.
- I know.
Stop!
Nassau County Department of Truancy.
I'm taking over your vehicle.
- Okey-dokey.
- What fun.
Tim Brooger. My wife, Steffi.
- Pleased to meet you.
- Buckle up. Could be bumpy.
How you got your driver's license
is beyond me.
You didn't? You failed your driver's test?
That's incredible.
I got 100 percent on the written.
I just didn't quite pass the driving part.
- Are we gonna be in a car chase?
- Don't tell me.
- We've never been in a car chase.
- No, sir. Not one.
- Seen them on TV.
- I think New York has the best car chases.
- Oh, shoot...
- Small favor, Clem. Put a sock in it.
Done, sir.
- Where is he? Is he behind us?
- Yeah.
We drove all the way from Minnetonka,
Minnesota just to see New York City.
The Big Apple.
- They say it's the city that never sleeps.
- I think it will now that you've hit town.
- Red light, red light!
- I know!
Red!
I read the rule book.
I know what red means.
Hi. I need to go to 112th...
Go! Floor it!
- Oh, God!
- What are you doing here?
God, that is so hot!
Would you give me just a little air?
- I can't do this.
- You can do this. Breathe.
- I'm getting killed.
- Stop it.
Whoopsy-daisy!
- Can you drive a little bit faster?
- Do you want to drive?
I'll drive!
I don't know if this would be helpful,
but we do have a loudspeaker.
Sure, we use that for campfire sing-alongs
with our church group.
Testing. Testing, one, two.
Can this be heard?
- Roxanne Ryan, this is the law.
- Go!
- Pull over. Give yourself up.
- I'm being abducted!
You think I'm kidding. I'm not.
You're only making things worse.
You'll be in detention the rest of your life.
So let's end this right now.
- This is kind of fun.
- It's not fun!
Where'd he go?
I think we lost him.
You might wanna look to your right.
Okay, playtime's over, Ryan.
Let's put the toys away and go home.
- Pull over!
- Turn right here.
You're going the wrong way!
- I thought you said right here.
- Times Square's the other right.
I have it under control.
Yeah, right. Then where are we going?
What are you doing?
Signaling. I know the rules.
Hang on, people.
Why are we reversing?
It's a one-way street!
- We're going the wrong way.
- No, but we're facing the right way.
- You're mine now, Ryan.
- It's too tight. We're not gonna make it.
- We'll make it.
- We're not gonna make it!
- Who's the professional here, you or me?
- I wanna say you.
Go!
Look, there's a gate!
I'm sorry.
- Take some of that.
- Are you trying to kill us?
I just saved your life,
and you're criticizing me?
- Welcome to my world.
- What's that supposed to mean?
It means you're always
looking down on me.
- Looking down on you?
- Yeah.
I've been looking out for you.
Hey. Let me out of this car!
Thanks for nothing!
- How have you been looking out for me?
- Are you insane? That's all I ever do!
The one day, the one time I want it
to be about me for a change...
...I get inducted into the Roxy Ryan
School of Juvenile Delinquency.
I've been trying to help you
from the minute we left.
Lot of good that's done.
Where are you going? I'm not finished.
Yeah, well, I am.
Why don't you run along and have fun.
That's what you're good at.
As opposed to you, which is walking away
whenever we have a real conversation?
I don't have time for a real conversation.
- I'm too busy taking care of things.
- So who asked you to?
You did. The minute you stopped taking
responsibility for anything since Mom died.
That doesn't mean you get
to be her replacement.
You know what I miss most about Mom?
Is that she loved that we were different.
And you punish me for it.
From the day Mom died...
...you've done nothing but push me
out of your life.
- I have not.
- Oh, come on, Jane.
The biggest day of your academic career,
and you didn't even bother to invite me.
Well, forgive me for wanting the day
to be about me for a change.
I make honor roll, Dad doesn't notice
because you're in detention.
I'm captain of the cheerleading squad,
and Dad can't come to one game.
One game, because he's busy going
to your parent/counselor meetings.
You wanna know why I want
this fellowship abroad?
It's because it's 3000 miles
away from you.
Well, I really hope you get it, then.
Roxy.
Don't you worry. I'm not going to let
the mean little man hurt you.
Hey, I don't know who you are
or what your game is...
...but you've caused me a great deal
of inconvenience today.
Not to mention, I am this close
to missing my speech.
So let's have it. Let's have it.
You finished?
Ancient Chinese proverb:
You snooze, you lose.
- Anyone, help!
- Let's take her to Ma.
Perfect timing.
Hello!
Help!
Help!
- Help me!
- Hello?
Roxy?
- Trey?
- Yeah.
- What are you doing in there?
- Can we talk after you open the trunk?
- Thanks.
- Are you okay? What happened?
I'm coming to find you, next thing I know,
this limo guy just shoves me in there.
Just when you think the day
can't get any worse.
- You okay?
- I just got in a huge fight with my sister.
She was gonna give a speech today.
Now she won't win the fellowship...
...because there's no way she's getting
there on time, and it's all my fault.
You sure about that?
- Do you wanna take a field trip right now?
- Yeah.
- Come on.
- Okay.
Taxi!
Now, it's just you and me.
All alone. No excuses.
Come on. Drink this.
Drink this, and then the chip
will come out.
This goes in here, chip come out here.
I'm not kidding around. Drink it.
See?
Like that. Hey, that's pretty good.
Come on.
This movie isn't out yet.
Neither is this CD.
So that's what these guys are up to.
Just listen to me. Give me that chip.
You don't want me to use this, do you?
I don't even know what this is.
But it's not gonna be pleasant.
Now, give me the chip!
Look into my eyes.
I'm torturing you.
It's unbearable!
Bennie! This is your idea of torture?
It's pathetic!
We do it my way.
Cats have nine lives.
I wonder if little doggy does.
Okay. I hope they haven't started.
I can't run in these heels.
The increase and/or decrease
in a nation's productivity...
...or other such political aggregate...
...can be regarded as the penultimate
indicator of a nation...
Go see what she's doing.
Make her stop! Go.
Cut it out in there! You make a mess,
you clean it up.
Sorry!
- He bit me!
- Get it off of me!
Come on, Reinaldo. Come on!
Come on.
- Hey, stranger.
- Would you like to save my life?
- I have 28 minutes to go 111 blocks.
- I could do that.
- Where'd they go?
- Bennie, where are they? Let's go!
- Okay.
- Hold on.
Hold on, okay?
- You all right?
- Yeah.
This is it.
I don't see her.
Jane Ryan?
- Yeah?
- You're late. You're on next.
- Are you sure you know what you're doing?
- Look...
...I got her into this mess,
I have to get her out.
Plus, how hard could it be reading
a bunch of note cards?
Just go with me on this one.
Okay, yeah. You're gonna do great.
- All right. See you out there. Good luck.
- Thanks.
Nice blazer, Muffie.
Oh, gridlock!
- Do you have a horn?
- We'll take a shortcut.
Hey, what are you doing?
Sorry.
Excuse us.
- Sorry.
- What's the matter with you?
In this instance, we must defer to the
famed economist, Adam Smith...
...who laid the foundation of a free market.
Mother.
What are you doing here?
I'm honorary chair of the McGill Fellowship.
What are you doing here?
- I wanted to see you present the award.
- Well, that's very sweet.
Our last finalist is from Long Island
and has a 4.2 GPA.
She's student-body president
and captain of her cheerleading squad.
Please welcome Jane Ryan.
Keep it together. It's okay.
Oh, my God.
You may proceed...
...Miss Ryan.
- Please.
- Right.
Oh, man.
Well...
...as many of you all know...
...the economy is...
...very, very important to all of us.
Take the word "economy."
You have "eco,"
which stands for environment.
You know, which we're all
real big supporters of.
And we have "onomy," which...
...is pig Latin for "money."
Money, economy.
Right.
- Go, go, go. Good luck.
- Okay.
- Are you coming? Come on.
- Yeah.
Well...
...for as the...
...the famous,
famous Canadian professor...
...Avril Lavigne...
...stein once said, and I quote:
"Why'd you have to go and make things
so complicated?
I see the way you're acting, like you're
somebody else, gets me frustrated.
Life's like this:
You fall, and you crawl...
...and you break, and you take
what you can get.
You turn it into honesty...
...and promise me I'm never
gonna find you fake it.
No. No.
No."
- Oh, thank God.
- Roxy?
Well, ladies and gentlemen,
that's all the time I have for... So...
...will the real Jane Ryan please stand up?
Reinaldo!
Trey, what is going on?
Apparently, the dog groomer delivers.
Are you okay?
What are you doing here?
Well, aside from completely
humiliating myself...
I'm sorry. I wanted to read
the speech for you...
No. Please. Here. I can take it from here.
Are you sure?
Ladies and gentlemen,
my name is Jane Ryan.
Roxy, behind you!
Nassau County Department of Truancy.
This girl, Roxanne Ryan,
is now in my custody.
And that girl, Jane Ryan, is an accomplice
in her criminal activities!
And she stole my stupid ugly mutt too.
I don't know what is going on here,
but that "mutt" is mine.
Come here, ugly doggy.
- And I order you to give him back.
- Yeah, you and what army, lady?
- Officer!
- Me?
Arrest that man!
Yes, ma'am.
Oh, my baby.
Fly.
Every time.
- Hey, that's my mom's dog!
- I think it started.
It doesn't look like Cats.
Everybody, freeze.
Someone please explain to me
what is going on.
I think I can do that.
See, this guy over here...
...that man who thinks he's Chinese...
You're not.
- And his mother are criminals dealing
in pirated music, movies...
...and probably Gucci handbags.
I don't know.
- Probably.
- The guy with the eyebrows.
- We know him. He drove us over here.
- He didn't tell us he was in the play.
A cop and an actor.
And how, may I ask, did you two
get involved in this?
- I think I can shed some light on that.
- You see...
...senator, it was this crime fighter here,
Officer Lomax...
...who tracked down the Bang family
and wouldn't rest until justice was served.
So really, we're just witnesses
to his sting operation.
- Yeah! What she said.
- Is that true, Officer Lomax?
Did you engineer this collar?
Well, I don't want to gloat, senator,
but I think "mastermind"...
...might be a more appropriate
choice of words.
I love you.
Just a second.
I assume that wasn't the speech
you intended to give this afternoon.
- Not exactly, but...
- No. No. It wasn't.
But you should have heard the real one.
It was amazing, and I know this, because
I heard her practice it 1000 times.
And trust me, she would have won
this thing hands down.
I'm sorry today didn't work out
the way you planned.
See, I thought today was about the speech,
the fellowship...
...my academic future.
But instead, it was about something
much more important.
It just took me a few wrong turns
to see it.
- That was something else, wasn't it?
- Honey, I loved it. I loved it!
Yes. You gotta... Come on.
Gotta give it up for the Cats!
Who let the cats out?
Get your hands where I can see them.
- Who let the cats out?
- You're not even a real cop.
Zip it, Odd Job.
Thanks to you, that's all gonna change.
Let me do it.
- So you're not mad?
- Are you kidding?
I can't believe what you did for me today.
- Listen...
- I want to apologize...
...for saying the things I said earlier.
It's just...
...I was having a meltdown.
Everything was going wrong.
That's because every time I tried to fix it,
it got worse.
The point is...
...we haven't spent the day together
in a really long time...
...and I've really missed you.
I've missed you too.
And I'm so, so sorry
if I ever made you feel...
...like you had to take Mom's place.
She would have been really proud.
Both of us.
It was really great bumping
into you today.
Maybe we could bump again.
Did I just say that?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
And I'm glad you did.
- So how about you just give me a call?
- Okay.
Yeah.
Jane Ryan?
Bye.
Bye.
Allow me to introduce myself.
My name is Hudson McGill.
Listen, I am so sorry about everything
that happened today...
You know what?
I think you handled yourself really well
today, considering everything.
The McGill Foundation
would be really honored...
...if you would represent us
at Oxford University next year.
But...
- I don't understand.
- I found these.
This would have been an amazing speech.
It's not just that you wanted to win...
...it's that you absolutely refused to fail.
And you didn't.
You deserve this fellowship, Jane.
You really do.
- Congratulations and good luck.
- Thank you.
- Can you believe it?
- I'm so happy.
I don't...
- Thank you.
- No, thank you.
One, two, three, four!
- Hey.
- Hi.
So have you given any thought
to visiting me in London?
Yeah. Yeah, I'm not gonna
be able to visit you.
It's not gonna work out for me. Sorry.
It's okay. I mean, your whole life's here.
I get it.
Jane, I'm playing. I'm moving. I'm actually
transferring schools there next year.
Really? Seriously?
- Are you excited?
- Yeah.
I've got this great idea for the video.
It's, like, Roxy, and she's dressed
as a cucumber, and...
Well, maybe I should just be happy that I'm
going to London on tour with you guys...
...and keep these thoughts to myself.
- Agreed.
Open up! Police!
Cut it, guys. Cut it.
Sorry to break up the party here, kids.
But you see, I got this little VW Bug
parked out there in a loading zone.
License number 2 Quilted Laxative 4
Santa Kansas Limerick.
Where's Roxanne Ryan?
You've got to be kidding me.
I am.
I just stopped by to wish you
bon voyage...
...and maybe get an autograph.
Of course you may, Officer Lomax.
Thank you, ma'am.
Hey, lggy Pop, crank the juice on that half
stack, and let's hear what this band can do!
You heard him. Let's roll the guitars.
Nice work, son.
[ENGLISH]