New Faces (1954) - full transcript
A filmed performance (in CinemaScope) of the highly popular Broadway hit that was basically a collection of skits, sketches, songs and dances built around a flimsy plot to meld them all together which, for the most part, worked. The plot involves a performer/producer (Ronny Graham) who finds himself in financial difficulties on the eve of opening night because a big check is needed before the curtain can go up. But a wealthy Texan says he will put up the money, if his daughter is in the show and he can see it first. End of plot, but the beginning of the careers of some young and talented people who have had careers across many decades. Eartha Kitt sings four songs, including "C'est si bon" (music by Henri Betti, French lyrics by André Hornez, English lyrics by Jerry Seelen) and "Santa Baby" in and around some funny skits; "Trip of the Month", "Snake Charmer", "Crazy Man" and "Oedipus Goes South." Graham and Mel Brooks (in his Melvin Brooks days) are credited with most of the sketch material and just the title of the "Oedipus" bit suggests Brooks. There is a burlesque of "Death of a Salesman", which was probably the easiest to write of all. It also appears that when Brooks later did "The Producers", he hadn't forgotten everything about "New Faces".
[orchestra playing]
He's a swell guy.
[knocking]
Overture started.
Three minutes, kids.
Let's get ready.
Okay.
Well, thanks a lot.
Is Virginia here?
No, she's not.
It's a good thing she's a
friend of the producers.
...and has a rich father.
Hey!
What are you doing here?
[interposing voices]
Hot dog!
Goodness s--
Overture started.
Ms. Kitt, three minutes.
Ms. Darsling, three minutes.
Ms. Carroll, three minutes.
Not now!
Let's go, kids.
Speed it up.
Look out, mister.
[knocking]
AL: Mr. Clary?
Mr. Clary?
I'm down here, Al.
AL: Three minutes.
Okay.
Have you seen Coocoo?
No.
She isn't here yet.
Oh, here she comes.
Good.
Coocoo, darling,
where've you been?
Ronny's been looking
all over for you.
Coocoo, do you have it?
Only half of it.
How dumb can you get?
Hey, hey.
Any more of that, and
you'll have me to deal with.
My dear, Ms. Virginia
De Louce Clayborn.
The Man's here.
He wants his money.
You promised me, and I
promised him he'd have it.
All of it before curtain time.
But Daddy just won't until
he sees what I do in the show.
You see?
I told you to give her
something more important to do.
--[gruff sigh] You
gave your solemn oath.
You said, A true Texan
never breaks his word.
Remember?
But Daddy changed his mind.
There's nothing I can do, Ronny.
Places, everyone.
Gee wizz.
I've just gotta get dressed.
-Oh, all right.
AL: Places everyone.
Here.
Take this.
Give it to that man over there.
I've got to hurry.
-But what should I tell him?
-Stall him.
Tell him I'll have the
rest of it in an hour.
But, Ronny-- why me?
Monsieur?
This way, please.
I have something for you.
Everybody on stage.
[music playing]
This way, please.
[music playing]
AL: Curtain, Mr. Clary.
Curtain.
[knocking]
Hurry, Clary.
Change the blackout.
[opening music]
(SINGING)You've
never seen us before.
We've never seen you before.
What a pleasant place
to finally meet.
So much pleasanter
than a busy street.
We vocally take your hand.
And vocally shake your hand.
And ask you to regard this
hullabaloo as our equivalent
to How do you do?
How do you do, Mr. Orchestra?
How'd you do, Mrs. Mezzanine?
How'd do you do, Lord
and Lady Balcony?
You're the welcomest
sight we've ever seen.
We say it again, Encore!
You've never seen
us before, but we
hope before our musical
ends that New Faces
and you will be good friends.
(SINGING IN FRENCH)
(SPEAKING)Cadillac car.
Mink coats.
[speaking french]
Crazy, no?
[singing in french]
(SINGING)He takes
me off this in income
tax so when he buys
me Cadillacs the FBI
won't watch his movements.
He writes me off as
property improvements.
He takes me off his--
Stop.
(SINGING)--income--
(SPEAKING)Now?
Now.
All right. (CLEARS THROAT) Good
evening, ladies and gentlemen.
We are about to present a
new television panel program.
We now take you to
Washington D. C. (SINGING)He
takes me off his income tax.
It's time for
"Meet the Senate".
Each week at this time, an
ordinary American citizen
meets two members of the Senate.
Nothing official.
Just a friendly investigation.
Good evening, folks, and
welcome to "Meet the Senate".
I am your genial moderator
district attorney, Otto Holly.
Our distinguished
panel this evening
consists of Senator Harold
Marble, Republican of Vermont,
and Senator Eli Hutchison,
Democrat of Missouri.
Tonight, we are
going to investigate
the effect of jazz music on
the young people of America.
Our guest witness is a musician
who specializes in a branch
of jazz known as Bop.
It promises to be
an exciting session.
Officer, would you
bring on the witness?
Mr. Daz Rocko.
Greetings, gangs.
What's the story?
You are Mr. Daz Rocko?
Who else, man?
My card.
I can't stand nothing square.
Yes.
This is Senator
Hutchinson, Senator Marble,
and I am the moderator
for the panel, Otto Holly.
Skin, man.
Raise your right hand.
Just the right hand.
Do you swear the testimony you're
about to give to be the truth,
the whole truth and nothing
but the truth, so help you?
Where'd you get
them crazy lyrics?
Mr. Rocko, it has
come to our attention
that you as a musician
and bandleader
exert a tremendous influence
upon certain large segments
of American youth.
They consider you a
tangible manifestation
of a superior temperament.
Oh, I wouldn't say that.
Man, I couldn't say that.
But let's stop goofing.
I'm here to hep you
investigating cats.
You dig?
I know just how you feel, Jim.
Mr. Rocko, this panel is
interested in finding out
something about the
nature of your work.
You are an orchestra
leader, are you not?
Mean do I front a combo?
Yea, man.
In other words, you work
is comparable to that
of say Mr. Guy Lombardo?
That did it!
I won't take that even
from the government.
Please, Mr. Rocko.
Be seated.
Don't touch the suit, man.
You'll make the colors run.
Now could you tell us
where you and your combo
are currently employed?
Oh, it ain't no secret, Jim.
We make it every night
at Booby's Bop House.
Just where is this
establishment located?
On 52nd Street.
I don't know the exact address,
but it's the only building
in the block that moves.
Do they serve liquor
on the premises?
You mean groove juice?
They certainly do.
Man, every night
about 12 o'clock,
that joint is the
groove juiciest.
In other words, if one of your
teenage fans wanted to see you,
he'd have to come
to this night club
where intoxicating
beverages are sold?
No.
They don't serve no
juice to the kids.
We do a special session
for the junior jazz licks.
Starts at 4 o'clock
every Sunday afternoon.
When does it finish?
Thursday.
You mean you stay
awake for four days?
Doesn't everybody?
Man, it's easy if you
know the magic word.
What magic word?
Benzedrine.
That's just plain crazy.
It's the craziest.
But who looks after
your little boys?
I do, man.
Why every morning I give
them a nice breakfast--
hot avocado seed soup and a
cold glass of maltese milk--
You mean malted
milk, don't you?
No.
Maltese.
It's cats' milk.
It's awful hard to get, though.
You gotta use a very low stool.
You dig?
Now after that, I give a
little Daz's music lesson.
Man, that kid's going
to be a great musician.
He don't know what a melody is.
What's his story?
Go on, Mr. Rocko.
Well, come 10 o'clock,
it's time to go to work.
So I pick up my horn, which has
got a special de-nicotine f--
filter in the mouth
piece so's you can blow
and smoke at the same time.
And I cut out for
the [inaudible]
and them cats are
screaming for me.
I get up on the stand.
Put out my hand.
Kick off the band.
Then I pick up the
horn and I blow.
And the cats line up in a row.
And I follow whatever I go.
Go.
Go.
Go.
[jazz music playing]
Senator!
Senator, where's the
rest of the committee?
They're gone, man.
Real gone.
ALL:(SINGING)We're awaiting
the arrival of a brand
new face from France--
a figure of romance
who has us in a trance.
We hope that he'll be pleased
to us waiting by the door.
To see us waiting for
the man whom we adore.
His shadow comes in view.
Our senses start to reel.
Voila!
And sacrebleu.
Here is our ideal.
(SINGING)Bonsoir.
Bonsoir.
I'm sorry that I'm late,
but I've been signing autographs
since a quarter after 8:00.
Cheri.
Cheri.
(FRENCH) In case you
don't speak French,
it simply means that I love you.
I love you all. [inaudible] If
I was tall, I'd love you more.
But since I'm not,
accept me as I am.
And who can [inaudible]
a mademoiselle
you may be my madam.
(SPEAKING)Call me madem.
(SINGING)Pardon me, monsoir.
I'm from the "Morning Star".
It's evident that
you're a man of fame.
It's also very clear I
should know who you are,
but somehow I just
can't recall your name.
What!
You don't know who I am?
What!
You don't know who he is?
No!
Who is he?
Yes.
(SINGING)I am the
man of the hour.
I am the man of the year.
I am the fellow who is not
from here to here to here.
I'm the meaning of debonair.
(SPEAKING)Who am I?
(SINGING)I'm Lucky--
-Pierre!
--(SINGING)Pierre.
I am the man of the
century, the man of the age.
Why, my name will be in
history on every single page.
I'm the man who is always there.
(SPEAKING)Who am I?
(SINGING)I'm Lucky--
-Pierre!
--(SINGING)Pierre.
I'm the boy mais oui oui.
What a joy to be me.
If you think that I'm bragging,
if you think that I boast,
just be quiet, and
you'll hear them shout
my name from coast to coast.
And the air could
resound in the--
Pierre!
(SINGING)--air!
[inaudible] Lucky Pierre.
Pierre!
(SINGING)Though he's
not very handsome,
and he's not very strong.
In a cabin in a blizzard,
he's the one you bring along.
He's a [inaudible] prayer.
(SPEAKING)Who is he?
He's Lucky Pierre!
From the banks of the Hudson
to the banks of the Nile,
just repeat my name and voila!
You'll be serviced with a smile.
From [inaudible]
to Harold Square.
[inaudible] Lucky Pierre.
Yea!
Yea!
(SINGING)He's the bee.
We're the flower.
(SINGING)Busy bee.
Lucky flower.
I'm the man of the hour.
I'm the man of the year.
I am the man that every living
husband has a right to fear.
[inaudible] where
she is, there I am.
(FRENCH)
Yea!
(SINGING)Who am I?
I'm Lucky Pierre.
(SINGING)Life has
been kind to me.
I've riches enough to buy
whatever catches my eye.
But nothing catches my eye.
My appetite has faded.
Alas, the lady's jaded.
When I was a little girl, poor
and plain, all I asked of life
was in this refrain.
Penny candy.
Candy for a penny.
I wish I could still get a kick
from a penny peppermint stick
or an indigestible gummy
hat that stuck to my teeth
and made me fat.
Penny candy.
Candy for a penny.
I wish I could bounce a red ball
on the brick of a tenement wall
and never ask for
more at all, at all.
Candy, candy.
the candy store I could
never pass without pressing
my nose against the glass.
Candy, candy.
And, oh, how I'd
[inaudible] for a doll
made of sweet chewing wax.
Penny candy.
Candy for a penny.
I ask for more than a penny now.
I've grown very wise, you see.
But I wish that a sweet
were still fun to eat.
Now a penny's a memory.
CHILDREN:(SINGING) Penny candy.
Candy for a penny.
(SINGING)I wish I could
still get a kick from a penny
peppermint stick
or an indigestible
gummy hat that stuck to
my teeth and made me fat.
CHILDREN:(SINGING) Penny candy.
Candy for a penny.
(SINGING)I wish I
could bounce a red ball
on the brick of a tenement wall,
and never ask for more at all,
at all.
CHILDREN:(SINGING)[inaudible]
(SINGING)The
candy store I could
never pass without pressing
my nose against the glass.
Penny candy.
Candy for a penny.
I ask for more than a penny now.
I've grown very wise, you see.
But I wish that a sweet
were still fun to eat.
Hi, June.
Hi, June.
Gee.
You got your old
lady's perfume on?
Gussie!
Hey, Gussie, we've
got two cents left.
Should we get a jaw breaker
or a liquorice swip?
Well, if we get the liquorice
swips, we can each have one.
CHILDREN: How about us?
And besides, the jaw
breakers cost two cents each.
Well, We could go dibs on it.
I could break my jaw for
awhile, then your turn.
Okay!
-Who you hitting?
-Look out!
You're gonna get hurt.
Hey, I'm first naturally.
It's my two cents.
Hey, mister.
Can we please have
a jaw breaker?
No, not the white one.
We like pink.
No, not that one on top.
That one way down
there on the bottom.
Oops!
Don't spill them.
(GASP) Nice shiny pink one.
Thank you.
Good Gussie.
No, it's not your turn yet.
You know what I'm gonna
be when I grow up?
A movie star like Nita Nalley.
Mama told me what
you're going to be.
An elephant.
CHILDREN: (LAUGHING)
Gee, I didn't mean to
hurt your feelings, Gussie.
Maybe when you grow up, you
get skinny like a snake.
CHILDREN: (LAUGHING)
Don't cry, Gussie.
Please don't cry.
Here.
It's your turn for
the jaw breaker.
If you stop crying,
you can keep it.
CHILDREN:(SINGING)Penny candy.
Candy for a penny.
(SINGING)I ask for
more than a penny now.
I've grown very wise, you see.
But I wish that a sweet
were still fun to eat.
Now a penny are memories.
(SINGING)Tropical nights.
Orchids in bloom.
Sultry perfume.
[inaudible] and angels
with passionate strangers.
I've seen it all.
As I recall.
I met him in Boston
in the native quarter.
He was from Havoc just
across the border.
It was a magical night
with romance everywhere.
There was something in the air.
There always is in Boston.
We went to the Cav Bar--
that's an Irish bar there--
the underground hideout
of the DAR there.
Something inside of me said,
watch your heart, mademoiselle.
And it might be just as well
to watch your purse in Boston.
We went to the Common--
that's a pretty park there.
As I remember, it was
pretty dark there.
In this exotic locale
by a silver lagoon
underneath a voodoo moon,
we fell asleep in Boston.
That was the story of
my one romance there.
Our dream of adventure
didn't stand a chance there.
How could we hope to enjoy
all the pleasures ahead
when the books we
should have read
were all supreme in Boston?
Exotic Boston.
Land of the free, home of the
brave, home of the Red Sox,
home of the bean, and home
of the Boston [inaudible]
[music playing]
How does it look?
Does he like it?
It's too dark.
I can't see him.
Why are you worried?
Because my father doesn't
want me to be an actress.
He's done about everything
to try and stop me.
Now I guess he succeeded.
What do you mean?
I have a terrible
feeling about the money.
So we won't get the money.
So the show closes.
You still won't
go back to Texas.
You don't know my father.
Well, tell him-- tell
him you won't go back.
And why?
Because-- because [french]
Mr. Clary, you
better get ready.
And that's why.
Oh it's right fancy
things about love.
They complicate it so.
[singing french]
Love just as I know.
Love is a simple thing.
Love is a silver ring,
shiny as a ribbon bow,
soft as a quiet snow.
Love is a nursery rhyme.
Oh there's the tick of time.
Love is so many things
right, as an angel's wings,
gentle as the morning light,
long as a winter night.
Love makes an old heart sing.
And it feels every empty space.
Love is a warming place.
Love is a simple thing.
Love is a simple thing.
Love is a silver ring,
shiny as a ribbon bow,
soft as a quiet snow.
Love--
[singing french]
Love is unforgettable.
[singing french]
[singing french]
[singing french]
Love is a simple thing.
Love is a breath of spring.
Love is a simple thing.
Love is a magic ring.
More fun than a puppet show,
right as a scarlet bow.
Love is the thunder and rain.
Love is a soaring plane.
Love is a pink balloon and as
a old buffoon, wild as a storm
as sea, love is sheer insanity.
Love is a touch of spring,
and it gives a sudden grace.
Love is a special place.
Love is a simple thing.
Love is a simple thing.
Love is a silver ring.
[speaking french]
Love is a touch of grey, and
it gives you a sudden grace.
Love is a special place.
Love is a simple place.
I've been called
names by many a bride.
I admit, they cause me pain.
But lately I've been classified
as a long-term capital gain.
He takes me--
Now.
Ladies and gentlemen, the next
scene is about a famous author.
To quote from the jacket
of his latest book, quote,
"Mr. Kaput is 30-years-old,
wears a checkered vest,
has black hair, and
bangs," unquote.
He takes me off his income tax.
Hi y'all.
I just wrote another
book and I've been aching
to tell somebody about it.
I do all the writing, right
here in this little old hamlet.
Now the leading character in
my book is one Jerald Fenwick.
I was going to have two Jerald
Fenwick's but there ain't
enough women to in
here to go around
as is so we'll leave him alone.
Now Jerald and his
mother [inaudible]
live on remains of their
plantation, Fenwick's Folly.
I like to read a
little bitty here
just to give you a sort of idea
of what's happening inside.
"Jerald decided there
was only one thing
to do about the matter, even
though the thought of doing
anything about anything filled
him with revulsion and fright
and a kind of a fear too.
'My choice leaves in one
direction only,' he said,
'and that is to marry Melanie
Monticello.' There was
something alive about Melanie.
Something alive!
And I swear Jerald could
not stand something alive.
But that night he told his
mother of his decision anyway.
There she was in
the living room,
rummaging through
the mail due contents
of an old copper trunk.
'Mother,' said Jerald, 'I
have something to tell you.
I'm going to marry
Melanie Monticello.'
'Now don't you be a silly
dear,' said his mother,
'you know she's your sister
on your father's side,
so you just shut your mouth.
Shut it up.'
Just then the house gave a
slight lurch as the termites
finished with the south wing.
'Mother?'
'What now?' She
smiled softly as she
settled slowly into the
trunk for the last time.
And as the lid nipped off the
end of her itty bitty nose,
she look at her
son significantly
and she said, ouch."
But I ain't going
to read no more
of my book now cause
I want y'all to buy
a copy when it's published.
So you could read for yourself
in the next chapter, the very
strange and decadent
and even amusing
way I pick to get
rid of everybody.
Then for 232 pages,
they ain't no people.
Oh, before I go, I would
like to say one thing.
A lot of literary critics
have been telling y'all that
I'm a an unhealthy author.
I ain't unhealthy, folks.
I'm sick.
"We were too rich, too
beautiful for true love."
That's what mama and papa said.
I wonder if they were right.
Mama is gone.
Papa too, leaving two little
girls with nothing to do.
Time for tea.
Time for tea.
[inaudible] come to tea.
Dusty, dusty tea pot, you're
as old as I. Can't anyone be as
old as I. They can if they try.
They can if they try
to be as old as I.
Just [inaudible] with a memory,
in an empty house and see.
You should be old
as-- should be as old
as-- should be as old as me.
As I.
You'll soon be as old as we.
Poor old house, aren't
you weary of us?
We'll never leave you.
Never go out the door.
What for?
We were born in this house, you
know, trillions of years ago.
But just a year apart.
We were [inaudible].
House you were
young then like us,
and oh what beauties
we were, we three.
The house, and thee, an me.
Remember our debut, in 1902.
I was 18 in 1902.
My gown was made in France
by [inaudible] for the dance.
Mine was from [inaudible]
with pale pink saffron bow,
and silver bells
and cockle shells,
and pretty old
[inaudible] in a row.
The musician's
played encore, encore.
I barely flew around
the ballroom floor.
But I failed to fall
in love that night.
Though the men were
handsome and my [inaudible].
I never fell in love.
Through the door came John,
and he met me with a smile.
And we waltzed and we waltzed,
then we stopped for a while
to dream.
John was the man for my heart,
though we'd only met to part.
For papa appeared with
a righteous flare.
He saw us kissing
behind the stair.
And his eyes were
as cold as the sea.
His eyes were as
cold as the sea.
That was the last I saw of John,
and the last John saw of me.
Remember our debut in 1902.
I never fell in love.
Here, kitty, kitty,
kitty, kitty, kitty.
"We were too rich, too
beautiful for true love."
That's what momma and papa said.
I wonder if they were right.
Time for tea.
Time for tea.
You'll soon be as
old as-- soon be as
old as-- soon be as old as me.
As I.
You'll soon be as old as we.
[inaudible].
I refuse to paint this.
I can't get Alouette
out of my mind.
Everybody think that
Alouette is a girl.
But it's a bird.
You know, when I was a
little kid in France,
everyday I used to
sing about Alouette.
Allouette, [inaudible] Alouette.
Alouette, I pick
up your feather.
Alouette, [inaudible] Aloutette.
I pick up your feather from
your head, from your eyes,
from your beak, from
your neck, from your--
from your this, from your body.
Alouette--
[singing in french]
Santa baby, just slip a
sable under the tree for me.
I've been an awful good girl.
Santa baby, and hurry
down the chimney tonight.
Santa honey, a '54
convertible too, light blue.
I wait up for you
dear, Santa baby,
and hurry down the
chimney tonight.
Think of all the
fun I've missed.
Think of all the fellows
that I haven't kissed.
Next year I could be
oh so good, if you
check off my Christmas list.
Santa honey, I want a yacht
and really that's not a lot.
Been an angel all
year, Santa baby.
And hurry down the
chimney tonight.
Santa cutie, there's one
thing I really do need,
the deed to a platinum mine.
Santa cutie, and hurry
down the chimney tonight.
Santa baby, and fill my stocking
with a duplex and checks.
Sign your x on the line,
Santa cutie, and hurry
down the chimney tonight.
Come and trim my Christmas
tree, with some decorations
bought at Tiffany.
I really do believe in you,
let's see if you believe in me.
Santa honey, forgot to mention
one little thing, a ring.
I don't need on the phone.
Santa honey, and hurry
down the chimney tonight.
Hurry down the chimney tonight.
Hurry, tonight.
Ladies and gentlemen,
may I have your attention.
You are probably quite
aware that the Marquise
de Quiver has done it again.
In societies circles his
latest masquerade ball
was rated second, only to
the crowning of Elizabeth.
Well at great
expense and time, we
will do with this masquerade
ball as a command performance,
with original music,
lyrics, and choreography.
In other words, a musicale
entitled, "Waltzing in Venice,"
or, "Take off the Mask."
Waltzing in Venice with
you, isn't so easy to do.
If you should take one
more step and you are daft,
you will be doing the
waltz under water.
Oh!
What joy could ever compare with
waltzing in Venice with care.
What a thrill when the waltz
is fast one, knowing each step
may well be your last one.
For [inaudible] waltzing
in Venice with you.
Waltzing in Venice with
you, isn't so easy to do.
If you should take one
more step and walk off,
you will be doing the
waltz under water.
Oh, what joy ever compare, with
waltzing in Venice with care.
What a thrill when
we're waltzing
a fast one, knowing each step
may well be your last one.
For [inaudible] waltzing
in Venice with you.
Take off the mask,
please take off the mask.
I love you.
I love you anyway so I ask you,
take off the mask you wear.
Please prepare, won't
you lose your aplomb
and take off the garment.
Oh your hiding behind it.
It's no secret to me that
you'll turn out to be my ideal.
Oh!
But I feel that I've
known ya, in Estonia.
And I want to laugh for ya,
down in Latvia, or the things
I've been to ya, in India.
Oh, India.
[laughing]
Oh, well.
I haven't forgotten,
so please don't
be rotten, and
take off your mask,
that's all that I ask you to do.
But please take
off your false face
and just let me waltz
space to face with you.
No, no, no, you naughty boy.
Although you may
think me haughty, boy.
I must refuse what
you're asking me.
You must not think
of unmasking me,
before 12:00, that is
how the day will see.
[laughter]
Put the mask away.
Yes, yes, yes,
yes, you saucy miss.
No!
I will be bold and
force you, miss.
Till midnight, I
don't choose to wait.
Matter of fact,
I refuse to wait.
So take off your mask.
That's just what
I'm going to do.
Put back the mask.
That's all that I ask you to do.
[inaudible] with you.
I hope I was all right.
You think they liked it?
Virginia, your father
wants to see you out there.
Mr. Clayborn, wait
until you see Virginia
in the last half of the show.
That's fine.
Fine.
That's what I'll do.
But the man's waiting
for his money, and--
Well, tell him you'll
just have to wait for it.
Ronny's been so
wonderful to me, Dad.
Please give him the money now.
You see, I promised
him you would.
Oh, Virginia,
I've told you right
along, before I give
you all the money,
I have to see all the show.
But you don't understand.
Oh, I understand
very well, my dear.
I'm more anxious about
your career than you are.
I appreciate how you
feel, sir, but you see,
I promised the man he'd have
his money before showtime, and--
I'll come back before
the show is over.
And don't worry
about the money, son.
A Texan never breaks his word.
It's just a matter of
good business, right?
A program, Mister Clayborn.
Oh, thank you very much, sonny.
[knocking]
[uptempo music]
[applause]
Girls, the Trip
of the Month club
is very happy to announce
that last month's prize
winner is here with us today.
And I'm sure that Mr. Canker
has a very interesting story
to tell us about his
prize-winning pleasure trip
to darkest Africa.
Mr. Canker?
Hola!
Va va va America.
Who ba ba la la Africa.
Hello, America.
Hello, America.
Africa says hello.
[chuckling]
I've just come from Africa, and
I want to take this opportunity
to thank all of you
who are responsible
for my being sent to the Congo.
Your generous donations far
exceeded anything my late wife
or I anticipated.
And the only way I know of
really showing my thanks
for those four swell days
is to share with you some
of the highlights of our trip.
Just keep your seats.
I'm going to be all right.
One of them cobra snakes struck
me right between the eyes.
You know how that feels.
The doctor wanted to
take a look at it,
but I'm set on
finishing this tour,
so I've just been taking
aspirin and doping a little.
There are several
approaches to the jungle.
My wife and I tried them all.
But we found being dropped from
a plane the most satisfactory,
although our guide had
trouble with his parachute,
and jumping them
broke both his ankles.
[chuckling]
But guides are a dime
a dozen down there,
and we got us another
guide right away.
The safari was there already
waiting for us, and we jumped.
And they all began
yelling and throwing
flowers and fruit at us.
Made you feel warm all over.
After an hour or so
of this tomfoolery,
we hit out on the trail.
Our destination
for that first day
was the source of the
Nile, the longest--
and I might add, the
dirtiest river in the world.
Oh, but it was stinkin'.
Our pack mules would fall
down and play dead when
it came time to water them.
It gets dark fairly
early in the jungle.
We pitched camp about
a quarter after 4:00.
In spite of the stench,
I slept like a tot.
That jungle area is
wonderful for sleeping.
So you want to take along
plenty of blankets and guns.
The next morning was one of
those mornings when you hear
the screech of the orangutan,
the roar of the lion,
and the trees were full of
beautifully colored birds
and snakes.
Rembrandt couldn't have
captured that beauty.
It was one of those
mornings you feel like just
running around barefoot.
But we'd only been
tramping on the trail
about four or five
hours, and my wife
began to complain of her feet.
The only shoes she
had with her were
those high-heeled sling pumps.
Well, she just couldn't
take it, so we had to leave
her there out on the trail.
A couple of days
later on the way back,
I found this piece of her
dress along with her purse
and gloves.
And to this day, I don't
know what happened to her.
[chuckling]
But what I really remember
about that day was
it was the only
day it didn't rain,
and I got to take
some dandy snapshots.
They're not quite as good
as I'd like to have them,
but I lost the negatives when
I was washed over a waterfall.
Now, I'm sorry.
As you can see, this first
picture is a little blurry.
But while I was
taking the picture,
I got pretty badly
gored by a rhinoceros.
That laid me up for
a couple of day.
Luckily though, luckily
though-- two woman missionaries
pulled me through that scrape.
I guess they had gotten gored
once or twice themselves,
so I suppose they
knew what to do.
This next picture is
a picture of a chief
of a friendly native tribe.
There aren't too many
friendly tribes in Africa.
In fact, this is the only
one our bunch ran into.
Most of them get a
little out of hand
when you run out of
trinkets for them,
especially them headshrinkers.
Say, they really become sassy.
[inaudible] hat on
when you talk to them.
Well, say-- say, I can see
my time's running out here.
What I've tried to do
is tell and show you
some of the things
about Africa that
aren't in the travel forms.
It isn't the nicest
place in the world.
No, I won't say that.
I'll say this.
I don't believe I'd recommend
it for the whole family.
If the children
don't hunt, there
really isn't too much for them.
Thank you.
[music playing]
(SINGING) It's
raining memories.
I don't need a weatherman
to tell me that.
It's raining memories.
And it's also raining rain.
Just look at my hat.
It rained the day
that I found you,
waiting for a cross-town bus.
It rained the night
that I lost you.
The gods were playing
"House on Fire" with us.
It's raining memories.
Memories of days when
you and I were one.
It's raining memories!
And it's also raining
like a son of a gun.
Romance is just an empty fizzle.
In its grip, I'm a drip
in a dreary drizzle.
Raining memories on me.
You know, he was late today.
[singing in turkish]
You know, in the
old days in Turkey,
they say many women
had male secretaries.
Oh, those Turks.
(SINGING) He takes
me off his income tax.
But after his taxes in
'53, he used to have
a secretary and a yacht.
Now he's left with just
a wife and an old TP.
He takes me off-- stop!
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
an exclusive about a boy who
fell in love with guess who.
He takes me off his income tax--
Well, how am I doing?
Great.
Just great.
But what's the good if
the show has to close?
Do you think you'll get
the rest of the money?
(SINGING) What's
the matter with me?
What's the matter with me?
School has let out, and
it's way after 3:00.
But I'm sitting here
with my chin on my knee.
Say, what is the matter with me?
I should be at home,
and I want to go home.
But I know darn well I'm
not going to go home.
So I just sit here with
my chin on my knee.
What the heck is
the matter with me?
What if the gang saw
me sitting like this?
They'd think I was
waiting for some girl.
So what if they saw me?
They couldn't hee-haw
me, because I'm
not waiting for any girl.
Then why am I waiting here for?
And why am I watching the door?
I'm in love, I'm in love,
I'm in love with Miss Logan.
I'm in love, I'm in love,
I'm in love with Miss Logan.
Though I still hate
arithmetic, I'll
pass arithmetic, long as Miss
Logan is teaching arithmetic.
I'm in love with Miss Logan,
and I wish, I wish I was not.
I'm in love, I'm in
love, I'm in love.
That's my slogan.
With an angel who
flies up above.
That's Miss Logan.
Though the study of
history still is a mystery,
she teaches history,
I love my history.
I'm in love with Miss Logan,
and I hope nobody finds out.
[whistling]
Though I don't even know the
first name of Miss Logan,
I'm in love, I'm in love just
the same with Miss Logan.
Every school day I speak at
her five days a week at her,
yet here I sit waiting
for one more peek at her.
I'm in love with Miss Logan,
and I wish that she'd hurry up.
Oh, hello, Andre.
Hello, Miss Logan.
Are you waiting for someone?
No, mademoiselle.
Everybody's gone home.
I'm the last one.
I know, ma'am.
Did you want to see me?
Oh, no, ma'am.
Andre!
Is there anything wrong?
No, ma'am.
Are you sure?
Yes, ma'am.
All right, then.
Coming, Andre?
-No, ma'am.
-Andre.
Mary!
Darling!
Sorry I'm late.
Easy.
Not in front of the little boy.
Good night, Andre.
See you tomorrow.
He's a funny little fellow.
Sweet, though.
If there's one person that I
don't love, it's Miss Logan.
If there's one person I'd like
to shove, it's Miss Logan.
She could talk to me, sing to
me, candy bars bring to me,
hold me and cling to me,
don't mean a thing to me.
I don't love old Miss Logan,
and I wish-- I wish I was dead.
"Harry the Heel,
notorious pickpocket,
believed seen in local area."
Hello, Harry.
-Hello, May.
-You look tired.
How'd it go today?
Oh, what's the
sense in talking?
The little man
ain't got a chance.
Today, in order
to get someplace,
you gotta be a big operator.
What happened, Harry?
I made $8.
Is this what a man should
bring home to his wife?
May, I'm 53 years old.
I made $8!
And I was darn
lucky to make that.
Thank goodness there
was a parade today,
or I might have ended
up with a lousy $2.
Then you made $6 at the parade.
Now, tell me about it.
Well, there were a lot of
cops around, and I was nervous.
May, something's
happening to me.
I'm getting so I can't pick
pockets when cops are around.
I was never like
that, was I May?
No, Harry.
You were never like that.
Tell me I was never like that.
You were never
like that, Harry.
I was never like that.
You were never like that!
I was never like that.
By the way, where's the kid?
Oh, he's around.
Around where?
Well, he just went
down to the corner
to-- he's down in the
playground playing
baseball with the other boys.
Baseball?
Harry.
This is how a boy
amounts to something?
This is where my
teaching and training go?
Wasted all, wasted on a boy
who takes a bat in his hand
and smashes his father's
hopes and dreams.
Come on.
Eat your spaghetti, Harry.
It's getting cold.
May, this country's
going insane.
All a boy thinks of is
becoming a Joe DiMaggio.
Sit down, Harry.
I talk to him, and he
doesn't listen to me.
May, I've failed.
I've failed as a father.
No, Harry.
And he won't fail you.
He's got your blood in him.
I'm not a well man.
I'm not a well man.
Hello, Mom.
Hiya, Dad.
You're not ashamed to
say hello to your father?
No, I'm not ashamed.
Am I, Mom?
Hiya, Dad.
You're not ashamed
to waste your time
in playgrounds when you
should be learning your craft?
Why, when I was your age, I
was breaking into candy stores
already.
Why's he gotta holler?
You're no good.
You're well liked.
Stanley, I'm your father.
And believe me, I know
what's best for you.
I'll help you.
I'll teach you.
Stanley, oh god, don't you
ever want to become a criminal?
Sure, Dad.
Then in the name of Dillinger,
why don't you listen to me?
Because you holler.
Stanley, I know how
hard it is to start.
I'm not asking you to
do impossible things.
Begin at the bottom.
Start small.
Put slugs into pay telephones.
Steal at school.
Punch your buddy in the mouth.
Stanley, listen to your father.
Sure, Dad.
Hey.
Hey.
That reminds me.
This is the end of
the term, isn't it?
Uh-huh.
OK, where's the report card?
I lost it.
Show your father
the report card.
No, I won't.
Come on, give me
the report card.
No, I won't.
All right.
I guess there comes a
time in every boy's life
when he thinks he
can lick his father.
If you think that time has
come, I'd like to know about it.
Harry.
May.
May!
Think you can whip
your old man, huh?
The old man [inaudible], son.
Come on, son.
May!
Why won't the boy listen to me.
Stanley, show your report
card to your father.
Oh, sure, Dad.
Gee, I wish you
wouldn't look at it.
A?
I'm sorry.
B-plus?
Look, Dad, I tried--
A?
He didn't mean it.
B-plus?
A?
A?
(SHOUTING) A!
A!
A!
A!
A!
A!
You're killing that man.
That's a sick man.
Pay attention!
Oh, Stanley, follow
in his footsteps,
or you'll put your
father in his grave.
Stanley!
Stanley!
Remember, you're an only son,
and you mean so much to us.
Oh, please.
For his sake and
mine, steal something.
Anything!
I know you can.
I know deep down inside,
down where it really counts,
you're rotten.
Thanks, Mom.
Mom, I love him
and I love you too.
You know that.
[inaudible] wrong with me.
I got crazy blood in me.
I'm a misfit like
Uncle Fred, the cop.
You must never mention that
man's name in this house.
Oh, Mom, I gotta
tell you something.
I know it's gonna sound
strange, but you got me-- Ma,
I got a job.
An honest job.
I told you never to
use that kind of--
Stanley, oh, son,
you've come through!
A Tommy gun.
My boy's got a-- what
the heck is this?
It's a violin.
I love it.
I want to be a great musician.
You want to be a--
Dad!
There'll be no
musicians in this house!
Do you hear me?
[screaming]
Stanley, come back!
Let him go.
He's not my son.
We'll go on together alone.
Go get my tools.
I'm gonna crack a safe tonight.
When I'm lost in my work, I
kinda forget the pain of life.
Now, don't forget what
you went through, Harry.
It's a Thompson safe with
a 4.4 tumbler combination.
Don't use too much
nitro, and don't
forget to eat your sandwiches.
And remember, the watchmen
are changed at 10:15.
And Harry, don't look--
Nag, nag, nag!
There's the man.
Harry the Heel, my father.
OK, where's the reward?
Here you are, son. $500.
May!
May, the boy turned
in his own father.
His own flesh and blood
for a filthy reward, May.
Our boy's a stool pigeon!
He's gonna be all right!
He's gonna be all right!
He's gonna be all right!
[knocking]
Everything will
work out, honey.
You'll see.
If your father doesn't give
the money and the show closes,
well, there'll be other shows.
For you, yes.
But not for me.
What are you saying, darling?
Daddy's right.
I don't belong here.
I guess I better go back and
[inaudible] Texas with him.
At least everyone there
won't laugh at me.
I don't laugh at you.
You are a charming,
talented, beautiful girl.
Where I go, you go.
Because-- because
[speaking french].
That is, if you want me.
Why, Robert, what
are you saying?
[speaking french].
In English.
Well, I look at you
through my heart,
and I see the only girl
in the world for me.
Oh, Robert.
(SINGING) I just
got in from Salem,
and I'd like to get the facts.
Someone named Lizzie Borden
has done something with an ax.
And you're worried
because the hoedown
usually held on
Saturday night might
be ruined because of Lizzie.
Is that your problem?
Right.
What in the world's gonna
happen to the hoedown now?
Something wrong
with the hoedown?
What in the world's gonna
happen to the hoedown now?
What went wrong
with the hoedown?
What in the world's gonna happen
to the hoedown since Elizabeth...?
What in the world's gonna
happen to the hoedown now?
What happened?
Don't you know what
happened yesterday morning,
some time between
10 o'clock and noon?
The thing that happened
without any warning.
The biggest news since Mr.
Hughes went up in that balloon.
What in the world's gonna
happen to the hoedown now?
You mean the trial of Lizzie?
What in the world's gonna
happen to the hoedown now?
It's gonna keep you busy.
What in the world's gonna
happen to the hoedown?
Will we let the hoedown go down?
What in the world's
gonna happen since she
caught her parents napping?
What in the world's gonna
happen to the Saturday afternoon
hoedown now that Lizzie
Borden took her ax
and gave her parents 81 whacks,
Lizzie Borden took an ax
and gave them whacks!
Now, as I see it, Lizzie
Borden is slightly out of step,
because she made them
put off the hoedown.
Is that the problem?
Yep.
That means the regular social function
can't be held because of the trial.
Of course we get an injunction.
Or else we could--
Wait a while.
Go tell Mrs. Elmer Drury to come
down here and sit on the jury.
Go get Ebeneezer Bernie.
Who is he?
District attorney.
And tell Mrs. Jones to leave her fudge
and go to the bedroom
to wake up the judge.
Get Miss Lizzy to
bring that ax and come
on down with a couple of facts.
I got a plan that'll
make you smile.
We'll have the hoedown
with the trial.
Come on, everybody.
We'll have the
hoedown with the trial.
Howdy, Lizzy.
Howdy, Judge.
Where's Mr. Bernie?
District Attorney?
There he is, Judge.
There he is, Judge.
Order in the court.
Lizzie, don't budge.
Hello, folks.
Howdy, sonny.
Yesterday in old Fall River,
Mr. Andrew Borden died.
Now they got his daughter Lizzie
on the charge of homicide.
Some folks say she didn't do it.
Others say, of course she did.
But we all agree Miss Lizzy
B is a problem kinda kid.
Because you can't chop your
papa up in Massachusetts.
Not even if it's
planned as a surprise.
No, you can't chop your
papa up in Massachusetts.
You know our neighbors
love to criticize.
Now, she got him on the sofa
where he's gonna take a snooze.
And I hope he went
to heaven, because he
wasn't wearing shoes.
She sorta rearranged him
with a hatchet, so they say.
And then she got her mama in
that same old fashioned way.
Because you can't chop your
mama up in Massachusetts.
Not even if you're
tired of her cuisine.
No, you can't chop your
mama up in Massachusetts.
You know it's almost
sure to cause a scene.
Well, they really kept her
hopping on that busy afternoon,
what with down and
upstairs chopping
while she hummed a ragtime too.
They really made her hustle,
and when all was said and done,
she removed her mother's bustle
when she wasn't wearing one.
Because you can't chop your
mama up in Massachusetts.
And then blame all
the damage on the mice.
No, you can't chop your
mama up in Massachusetts.
That kinda thing
just isn't very nice.
Now, it wasn't done for pleasure
and it wasn't done for spite,
and it wasn't done because
the lady wasn't very bright.
She always did the slightest
thing her ma and papa said.
They said Lizzie, cut it out.
And that's exactly what she did.
Because you can't chop your
papa up in Massachusetts.
And then get dressed
and go out for a walk.
No, you can't chop your
papa up in Massachusetts.
Massachusetts is a
far cry from New York.
Now, what do we do now?
Let's have a hoedown.
What do we do about her?
About me?
About you?
[inaudible].
Did you do it, Liz?
Dear me, no.
- Is that good enough for you, Judge?
- I guess so.
Is that good enough
for you folks?
-Yes!
-Then, Lizzie, you're free.
Yes!
Oh, you can't chop your
papa up in Massachusetts.
Shut the door and
lock and latch it.
Here comes Lizzie with
a brand new hatchet.
You can't chop your
mama up in Massachusetts.
Cross your fingers,
knock on wood.
Local gal is making good.
You can't chop your
papa up in Massachusetts.
Such a snob, I heard it said,
she met a pa and cut him dead.
You can't chop your
papa up in Massachusetts.
Jump like a fish.
Jump like a porpoise.
All take hands
and habeas corpus.
You can't chop your
papa up in Massachusetts.
Massachusetts is a
far cry from New York.
Oh, Lizzie Borden,
Massachusetts
is a far cry from New York.
[whistling]
You know, in France, we usually
celebrate our Fourth of July
by having what you
call a block dance.
We dress ourselves as American
jitterbugs and cowboys.
[speaking french].
She says, it was
the 14th of July.
[speaking french].
The streets were all
decorated with lanterns.
[speaking french].
She meets a boy.
[speaking french].
And naturalement,
they fall in love.
[singing in french]
When I first met you, there
you stood under a lantern
all alone.
Blue, green-- your
bright shining eyes
made my head turn upside down.
Remember the old man who
tried to talk politics?
We could scarcely hear him.
For us, [inaudible].
It's a night I'll
always remember.
[singing in french]
[humming]
It was wonderful.
Wonderful.
Virginia, you were great, dear.
Just great.
Oh, thanks, Dad.
I always knew you'd
be a hey cuckoo.
I mean Virginia.
Well, here you are.
Dad, I've got a
surprise for you.
I'm going to be married.
Married?
Well, congratulations, son.
How tall are you?
Oh, about six feet, I guess.
Six feet?
Oh, that's wonderful.
That's the way we
like them in Texas.
I knew you wouldn't
disappoint me, Virginia.
Dad, this is the man
I'm going to marry.
(SINGING) Everyone gets into a
dull routine if they don't get
a chance to change the scene.
I could not be wearier.
Life could not be drearier
if I lived in Siberia.
I'll tell ya what I mean.
I met a rather amusing fool
while on my way to Istanbul.
He gave me the Black Sea
for my swimming pool.
Monotonous.
For 30 days, salt air
I sniffed while I was
shipwrecked and cast
adrift with a man who
looked like Montgomery Clift.
Monotonous.
For what it's worth,
throughout the earth,
I'm known as femme fatale.
When the yawn comes up
like thunder, brother,
take back your Taj Mahal.
Jack Fath made a
new style for me.
I even made Johnny
Ray smile for me.
A camel once walked
a mile for me.
Monotonous.
Monotonous.
I could not be wearier.
Life could not be drearier
if I lived in Siberia.
Traffic has been
known to stop for me.
Prices even rise
and drop for me.
Toscanini played bop for me.
Monotonous.
Monotone-eous.
Ah!
There are such demands for me.
A man of distinction
switched brands for me.
Macy's and Gimbal's
shook hands for me.
Monotonous.
Monotonous.
Monotonous.
Everything's going to
be all right, Robert.
Are you sure, darling?
Daddy's going home tonight.
Oh, I almost forgot.
EARTHA: (SINGING) Ah!
Here.
I better hurry.
I could not be wearier!
Life could not be drearier
if I lived in Siberia.
Though I know I've
acres of dough,
I'm not sure of the amount.
It might be exciting someday
if I learned to count.
Chian Kai-Shek sends
me pots of tea.
Gaylord Hauser sends me
vitamin D. They wrote for me.
Monotonous.
Monotonous.
Monotonous.
(SINGING) I take him
off my income tax.
I buy him anything I please.
He doesn't cost very much.
And goodness, he's
so nice to squeeze.
Now?
Now!
Ladies and gentlemen,
the next number
really needs no introduction.
And so, we won't make any.
Now?
Now!
I take him off my income tax.
I buy him anything I please.
He doesn't cost me very much.
We hope to see you again.
We hope you see us again.
What a pleasant
way to finally be.
We hope you can [inaudible].
We vocally took your hand.
And vocally shook your hand.
And asked you to regard this
hullabaloo as our [inaudible]
our thanks to you.
Our thanks to you,
Mr. Orchestra.
Thanks to you, Mrs. Mezzanine.
Thanks to you, Lord
and Lady Balcony.
You're the nicest
people we've ever seen.
We say it again.
Encore.
We're ready to [inaudible].
And we're hoping as our
musical ends that new faces
and you are now good friends.
He's a swell guy.
[knocking]
Overture started.
Three minutes, kids.
Let's get ready.
Okay.
Well, thanks a lot.
Is Virginia here?
No, she's not.
It's a good thing she's a
friend of the producers.
...and has a rich father.
Hey!
What are you doing here?
[interposing voices]
Hot dog!
Goodness s--
Overture started.
Ms. Kitt, three minutes.
Ms. Darsling, three minutes.
Ms. Carroll, three minutes.
Not now!
Let's go, kids.
Speed it up.
Look out, mister.
[knocking]
AL: Mr. Clary?
Mr. Clary?
I'm down here, Al.
AL: Three minutes.
Okay.
Have you seen Coocoo?
No.
She isn't here yet.
Oh, here she comes.
Good.
Coocoo, darling,
where've you been?
Ronny's been looking
all over for you.
Coocoo, do you have it?
Only half of it.
How dumb can you get?
Hey, hey.
Any more of that, and
you'll have me to deal with.
My dear, Ms. Virginia
De Louce Clayborn.
The Man's here.
He wants his money.
You promised me, and I
promised him he'd have it.
All of it before curtain time.
But Daddy just won't until
he sees what I do in the show.
You see?
I told you to give her
something more important to do.
--[gruff sigh] You
gave your solemn oath.
You said, A true Texan
never breaks his word.
Remember?
But Daddy changed his mind.
There's nothing I can do, Ronny.
Places, everyone.
Gee wizz.
I've just gotta get dressed.
-Oh, all right.
AL: Places everyone.
Here.
Take this.
Give it to that man over there.
I've got to hurry.
-But what should I tell him?
-Stall him.
Tell him I'll have the
rest of it in an hour.
But, Ronny-- why me?
Monsieur?
This way, please.
I have something for you.
Everybody on stage.
[music playing]
This way, please.
[music playing]
AL: Curtain, Mr. Clary.
Curtain.
[knocking]
Hurry, Clary.
Change the blackout.
[opening music]
(SINGING)You've
never seen us before.
We've never seen you before.
What a pleasant place
to finally meet.
So much pleasanter
than a busy street.
We vocally take your hand.
And vocally shake your hand.
And ask you to regard this
hullabaloo as our equivalent
to How do you do?
How do you do, Mr. Orchestra?
How'd you do, Mrs. Mezzanine?
How'd do you do, Lord
and Lady Balcony?
You're the welcomest
sight we've ever seen.
We say it again, Encore!
You've never seen
us before, but we
hope before our musical
ends that New Faces
and you will be good friends.
(SINGING IN FRENCH)
(SPEAKING)Cadillac car.
Mink coats.
[speaking french]
Crazy, no?
[singing in french]
(SINGING)He takes
me off this in income
tax so when he buys
me Cadillacs the FBI
won't watch his movements.
He writes me off as
property improvements.
He takes me off his--
Stop.
(SINGING)--income--
(SPEAKING)Now?
Now.
All right. (CLEARS THROAT) Good
evening, ladies and gentlemen.
We are about to present a
new television panel program.
We now take you to
Washington D. C. (SINGING)He
takes me off his income tax.
It's time for
"Meet the Senate".
Each week at this time, an
ordinary American citizen
meets two members of the Senate.
Nothing official.
Just a friendly investigation.
Good evening, folks, and
welcome to "Meet the Senate".
I am your genial moderator
district attorney, Otto Holly.
Our distinguished
panel this evening
consists of Senator Harold
Marble, Republican of Vermont,
and Senator Eli Hutchison,
Democrat of Missouri.
Tonight, we are
going to investigate
the effect of jazz music on
the young people of America.
Our guest witness is a musician
who specializes in a branch
of jazz known as Bop.
It promises to be
an exciting session.
Officer, would you
bring on the witness?
Mr. Daz Rocko.
Greetings, gangs.
What's the story?
You are Mr. Daz Rocko?
Who else, man?
My card.
I can't stand nothing square.
Yes.
This is Senator
Hutchinson, Senator Marble,
and I am the moderator
for the panel, Otto Holly.
Skin, man.
Raise your right hand.
Just the right hand.
Do you swear the testimony you're
about to give to be the truth,
the whole truth and nothing
but the truth, so help you?
Where'd you get
them crazy lyrics?
Mr. Rocko, it has
come to our attention
that you as a musician
and bandleader
exert a tremendous influence
upon certain large segments
of American youth.
They consider you a
tangible manifestation
of a superior temperament.
Oh, I wouldn't say that.
Man, I couldn't say that.
But let's stop goofing.
I'm here to hep you
investigating cats.
You dig?
I know just how you feel, Jim.
Mr. Rocko, this panel is
interested in finding out
something about the
nature of your work.
You are an orchestra
leader, are you not?
Mean do I front a combo?
Yea, man.
In other words, you work
is comparable to that
of say Mr. Guy Lombardo?
That did it!
I won't take that even
from the government.
Please, Mr. Rocko.
Be seated.
Don't touch the suit, man.
You'll make the colors run.
Now could you tell us
where you and your combo
are currently employed?
Oh, it ain't no secret, Jim.
We make it every night
at Booby's Bop House.
Just where is this
establishment located?
On 52nd Street.
I don't know the exact address,
but it's the only building
in the block that moves.
Do they serve liquor
on the premises?
You mean groove juice?
They certainly do.
Man, every night
about 12 o'clock,
that joint is the
groove juiciest.
In other words, if one of your
teenage fans wanted to see you,
he'd have to come
to this night club
where intoxicating
beverages are sold?
No.
They don't serve no
juice to the kids.
We do a special session
for the junior jazz licks.
Starts at 4 o'clock
every Sunday afternoon.
When does it finish?
Thursday.
You mean you stay
awake for four days?
Doesn't everybody?
Man, it's easy if you
know the magic word.
What magic word?
Benzedrine.
That's just plain crazy.
It's the craziest.
But who looks after
your little boys?
I do, man.
Why every morning I give
them a nice breakfast--
hot avocado seed soup and a
cold glass of maltese milk--
You mean malted
milk, don't you?
No.
Maltese.
It's cats' milk.
It's awful hard to get, though.
You gotta use a very low stool.
You dig?
Now after that, I give a
little Daz's music lesson.
Man, that kid's going
to be a great musician.
He don't know what a melody is.
What's his story?
Go on, Mr. Rocko.
Well, come 10 o'clock,
it's time to go to work.
So I pick up my horn, which has
got a special de-nicotine f--
filter in the mouth
piece so's you can blow
and smoke at the same time.
And I cut out for
the [inaudible]
and them cats are
screaming for me.
I get up on the stand.
Put out my hand.
Kick off the band.
Then I pick up the
horn and I blow.
And the cats line up in a row.
And I follow whatever I go.
Go.
Go.
Go.
[jazz music playing]
Senator!
Senator, where's the
rest of the committee?
They're gone, man.
Real gone.
ALL:(SINGING)We're awaiting
the arrival of a brand
new face from France--
a figure of romance
who has us in a trance.
We hope that he'll be pleased
to us waiting by the door.
To see us waiting for
the man whom we adore.
His shadow comes in view.
Our senses start to reel.
Voila!
And sacrebleu.
Here is our ideal.
(SINGING)Bonsoir.
Bonsoir.
I'm sorry that I'm late,
but I've been signing autographs
since a quarter after 8:00.
Cheri.
Cheri.
(FRENCH) In case you
don't speak French,
it simply means that I love you.
I love you all. [inaudible] If
I was tall, I'd love you more.
But since I'm not,
accept me as I am.
And who can [inaudible]
a mademoiselle
you may be my madam.
(SPEAKING)Call me madem.
(SINGING)Pardon me, monsoir.
I'm from the "Morning Star".
It's evident that
you're a man of fame.
It's also very clear I
should know who you are,
but somehow I just
can't recall your name.
What!
You don't know who I am?
What!
You don't know who he is?
No!
Who is he?
Yes.
(SINGING)I am the
man of the hour.
I am the man of the year.
I am the fellow who is not
from here to here to here.
I'm the meaning of debonair.
(SPEAKING)Who am I?
(SINGING)I'm Lucky--
-Pierre!
--(SINGING)Pierre.
I am the man of the
century, the man of the age.
Why, my name will be in
history on every single page.
I'm the man who is always there.
(SPEAKING)Who am I?
(SINGING)I'm Lucky--
-Pierre!
--(SINGING)Pierre.
I'm the boy mais oui oui.
What a joy to be me.
If you think that I'm bragging,
if you think that I boast,
just be quiet, and
you'll hear them shout
my name from coast to coast.
And the air could
resound in the--
Pierre!
(SINGING)--air!
[inaudible] Lucky Pierre.
Pierre!
(SINGING)Though he's
not very handsome,
and he's not very strong.
In a cabin in a blizzard,
he's the one you bring along.
He's a [inaudible] prayer.
(SPEAKING)Who is he?
He's Lucky Pierre!
From the banks of the Hudson
to the banks of the Nile,
just repeat my name and voila!
You'll be serviced with a smile.
From [inaudible]
to Harold Square.
[inaudible] Lucky Pierre.
Yea!
Yea!
(SINGING)He's the bee.
We're the flower.
(SINGING)Busy bee.
Lucky flower.
I'm the man of the hour.
I'm the man of the year.
I am the man that every living
husband has a right to fear.
[inaudible] where
she is, there I am.
(FRENCH)
Yea!
(SINGING)Who am I?
I'm Lucky Pierre.
(SINGING)Life has
been kind to me.
I've riches enough to buy
whatever catches my eye.
But nothing catches my eye.
My appetite has faded.
Alas, the lady's jaded.
When I was a little girl, poor
and plain, all I asked of life
was in this refrain.
Penny candy.
Candy for a penny.
I wish I could still get a kick
from a penny peppermint stick
or an indigestible gummy
hat that stuck to my teeth
and made me fat.
Penny candy.
Candy for a penny.
I wish I could bounce a red ball
on the brick of a tenement wall
and never ask for
more at all, at all.
Candy, candy.
the candy store I could
never pass without pressing
my nose against the glass.
Candy, candy.
And, oh, how I'd
[inaudible] for a doll
made of sweet chewing wax.
Penny candy.
Candy for a penny.
I ask for more than a penny now.
I've grown very wise, you see.
But I wish that a sweet
were still fun to eat.
Now a penny's a memory.
CHILDREN:(SINGING) Penny candy.
Candy for a penny.
(SINGING)I wish I could
still get a kick from a penny
peppermint stick
or an indigestible
gummy hat that stuck to
my teeth and made me fat.
CHILDREN:(SINGING) Penny candy.
Candy for a penny.
(SINGING)I wish I
could bounce a red ball
on the brick of a tenement wall,
and never ask for more at all,
at all.
CHILDREN:(SINGING)[inaudible]
(SINGING)The
candy store I could
never pass without pressing
my nose against the glass.
Penny candy.
Candy for a penny.
I ask for more than a penny now.
I've grown very wise, you see.
But I wish that a sweet
were still fun to eat.
Hi, June.
Hi, June.
Gee.
You got your old
lady's perfume on?
Gussie!
Hey, Gussie, we've
got two cents left.
Should we get a jaw breaker
or a liquorice swip?
Well, if we get the liquorice
swips, we can each have one.
CHILDREN: How about us?
And besides, the jaw
breakers cost two cents each.
Well, We could go dibs on it.
I could break my jaw for
awhile, then your turn.
Okay!
-Who you hitting?
-Look out!
You're gonna get hurt.
Hey, I'm first naturally.
It's my two cents.
Hey, mister.
Can we please have
a jaw breaker?
No, not the white one.
We like pink.
No, not that one on top.
That one way down
there on the bottom.
Oops!
Don't spill them.
(GASP) Nice shiny pink one.
Thank you.
Good Gussie.
No, it's not your turn yet.
You know what I'm gonna
be when I grow up?
A movie star like Nita Nalley.
Mama told me what
you're going to be.
An elephant.
CHILDREN: (LAUGHING)
Gee, I didn't mean to
hurt your feelings, Gussie.
Maybe when you grow up, you
get skinny like a snake.
CHILDREN: (LAUGHING)
Don't cry, Gussie.
Please don't cry.
Here.
It's your turn for
the jaw breaker.
If you stop crying,
you can keep it.
CHILDREN:(SINGING)Penny candy.
Candy for a penny.
(SINGING)I ask for
more than a penny now.
I've grown very wise, you see.
But I wish that a sweet
were still fun to eat.
Now a penny are memories.
(SINGING)Tropical nights.
Orchids in bloom.
Sultry perfume.
[inaudible] and angels
with passionate strangers.
I've seen it all.
As I recall.
I met him in Boston
in the native quarter.
He was from Havoc just
across the border.
It was a magical night
with romance everywhere.
There was something in the air.
There always is in Boston.
We went to the Cav Bar--
that's an Irish bar there--
the underground hideout
of the DAR there.
Something inside of me said,
watch your heart, mademoiselle.
And it might be just as well
to watch your purse in Boston.
We went to the Common--
that's a pretty park there.
As I remember, it was
pretty dark there.
In this exotic locale
by a silver lagoon
underneath a voodoo moon,
we fell asleep in Boston.
That was the story of
my one romance there.
Our dream of adventure
didn't stand a chance there.
How could we hope to enjoy
all the pleasures ahead
when the books we
should have read
were all supreme in Boston?
Exotic Boston.
Land of the free, home of the
brave, home of the Red Sox,
home of the bean, and home
of the Boston [inaudible]
[music playing]
How does it look?
Does he like it?
It's too dark.
I can't see him.
Why are you worried?
Because my father doesn't
want me to be an actress.
He's done about everything
to try and stop me.
Now I guess he succeeded.
What do you mean?
I have a terrible
feeling about the money.
So we won't get the money.
So the show closes.
You still won't
go back to Texas.
You don't know my father.
Well, tell him-- tell
him you won't go back.
And why?
Because-- because [french]
Mr. Clary, you
better get ready.
And that's why.
Oh it's right fancy
things about love.
They complicate it so.
[singing french]
Love just as I know.
Love is a simple thing.
Love is a silver ring,
shiny as a ribbon bow,
soft as a quiet snow.
Love is a nursery rhyme.
Oh there's the tick of time.
Love is so many things
right, as an angel's wings,
gentle as the morning light,
long as a winter night.
Love makes an old heart sing.
And it feels every empty space.
Love is a warming place.
Love is a simple thing.
Love is a simple thing.
Love is a silver ring,
shiny as a ribbon bow,
soft as a quiet snow.
Love--
[singing french]
Love is unforgettable.
[singing french]
[singing french]
[singing french]
Love is a simple thing.
Love is a breath of spring.
Love is a simple thing.
Love is a magic ring.
More fun than a puppet show,
right as a scarlet bow.
Love is the thunder and rain.
Love is a soaring plane.
Love is a pink balloon and as
a old buffoon, wild as a storm
as sea, love is sheer insanity.
Love is a touch of spring,
and it gives a sudden grace.
Love is a special place.
Love is a simple thing.
Love is a simple thing.
Love is a silver ring.
[speaking french]
Love is a touch of grey, and
it gives you a sudden grace.
Love is a special place.
Love is a simple place.
I've been called
names by many a bride.
I admit, they cause me pain.
But lately I've been classified
as a long-term capital gain.
He takes me--
Now.
Ladies and gentlemen, the next
scene is about a famous author.
To quote from the jacket
of his latest book, quote,
"Mr. Kaput is 30-years-old,
wears a checkered vest,
has black hair, and
bangs," unquote.
He takes me off his income tax.
Hi y'all.
I just wrote another
book and I've been aching
to tell somebody about it.
I do all the writing, right
here in this little old hamlet.
Now the leading character in
my book is one Jerald Fenwick.
I was going to have two Jerald
Fenwick's but there ain't
enough women to in
here to go around
as is so we'll leave him alone.
Now Jerald and his
mother [inaudible]
live on remains of their
plantation, Fenwick's Folly.
I like to read a
little bitty here
just to give you a sort of idea
of what's happening inside.
"Jerald decided there
was only one thing
to do about the matter, even
though the thought of doing
anything about anything filled
him with revulsion and fright
and a kind of a fear too.
'My choice leaves in one
direction only,' he said,
'and that is to marry Melanie
Monticello.' There was
something alive about Melanie.
Something alive!
And I swear Jerald could
not stand something alive.
But that night he told his
mother of his decision anyway.
There she was in
the living room,
rummaging through
the mail due contents
of an old copper trunk.
'Mother,' said Jerald, 'I
have something to tell you.
I'm going to marry
Melanie Monticello.'
'Now don't you be a silly
dear,' said his mother,
'you know she's your sister
on your father's side,
so you just shut your mouth.
Shut it up.'
Just then the house gave a
slight lurch as the termites
finished with the south wing.
'Mother?'
'What now?' She
smiled softly as she
settled slowly into the
trunk for the last time.
And as the lid nipped off the
end of her itty bitty nose,
she look at her
son significantly
and she said, ouch."
But I ain't going
to read no more
of my book now cause
I want y'all to buy
a copy when it's published.
So you could read for yourself
in the next chapter, the very
strange and decadent
and even amusing
way I pick to get
rid of everybody.
Then for 232 pages,
they ain't no people.
Oh, before I go, I would
like to say one thing.
A lot of literary critics
have been telling y'all that
I'm a an unhealthy author.
I ain't unhealthy, folks.
I'm sick.
"We were too rich, too
beautiful for true love."
That's what mama and papa said.
I wonder if they were right.
Mama is gone.
Papa too, leaving two little
girls with nothing to do.
Time for tea.
Time for tea.
[inaudible] come to tea.
Dusty, dusty tea pot, you're
as old as I. Can't anyone be as
old as I. They can if they try.
They can if they try
to be as old as I.
Just [inaudible] with a memory,
in an empty house and see.
You should be old
as-- should be as old
as-- should be as old as me.
As I.
You'll soon be as old as we.
Poor old house, aren't
you weary of us?
We'll never leave you.
Never go out the door.
What for?
We were born in this house, you
know, trillions of years ago.
But just a year apart.
We were [inaudible].
House you were
young then like us,
and oh what beauties
we were, we three.
The house, and thee, an me.
Remember our debut, in 1902.
I was 18 in 1902.
My gown was made in France
by [inaudible] for the dance.
Mine was from [inaudible]
with pale pink saffron bow,
and silver bells
and cockle shells,
and pretty old
[inaudible] in a row.
The musician's
played encore, encore.
I barely flew around
the ballroom floor.
But I failed to fall
in love that night.
Though the men were
handsome and my [inaudible].
I never fell in love.
Through the door came John,
and he met me with a smile.
And we waltzed and we waltzed,
then we stopped for a while
to dream.
John was the man for my heart,
though we'd only met to part.
For papa appeared with
a righteous flare.
He saw us kissing
behind the stair.
And his eyes were
as cold as the sea.
His eyes were as
cold as the sea.
That was the last I saw of John,
and the last John saw of me.
Remember our debut in 1902.
I never fell in love.
Here, kitty, kitty,
kitty, kitty, kitty.
"We were too rich, too
beautiful for true love."
That's what momma and papa said.
I wonder if they were right.
Time for tea.
Time for tea.
You'll soon be as
old as-- soon be as
old as-- soon be as old as me.
As I.
You'll soon be as old as we.
[inaudible].
I refuse to paint this.
I can't get Alouette
out of my mind.
Everybody think that
Alouette is a girl.
But it's a bird.
You know, when I was a
little kid in France,
everyday I used to
sing about Alouette.
Allouette, [inaudible] Alouette.
Alouette, I pick
up your feather.
Alouette, [inaudible] Aloutette.
I pick up your feather from
your head, from your eyes,
from your beak, from
your neck, from your--
from your this, from your body.
Alouette--
[singing in french]
Santa baby, just slip a
sable under the tree for me.
I've been an awful good girl.
Santa baby, and hurry
down the chimney tonight.
Santa honey, a '54
convertible too, light blue.
I wait up for you
dear, Santa baby,
and hurry down the
chimney tonight.
Think of all the
fun I've missed.
Think of all the fellows
that I haven't kissed.
Next year I could be
oh so good, if you
check off my Christmas list.
Santa honey, I want a yacht
and really that's not a lot.
Been an angel all
year, Santa baby.
And hurry down the
chimney tonight.
Santa cutie, there's one
thing I really do need,
the deed to a platinum mine.
Santa cutie, and hurry
down the chimney tonight.
Santa baby, and fill my stocking
with a duplex and checks.
Sign your x on the line,
Santa cutie, and hurry
down the chimney tonight.
Come and trim my Christmas
tree, with some decorations
bought at Tiffany.
I really do believe in you,
let's see if you believe in me.
Santa honey, forgot to mention
one little thing, a ring.
I don't need on the phone.
Santa honey, and hurry
down the chimney tonight.
Hurry down the chimney tonight.
Hurry, tonight.
Ladies and gentlemen,
may I have your attention.
You are probably quite
aware that the Marquise
de Quiver has done it again.
In societies circles his
latest masquerade ball
was rated second, only to
the crowning of Elizabeth.
Well at great
expense and time, we
will do with this masquerade
ball as a command performance,
with original music,
lyrics, and choreography.
In other words, a musicale
entitled, "Waltzing in Venice,"
or, "Take off the Mask."
Waltzing in Venice with
you, isn't so easy to do.
If you should take one
more step and you are daft,
you will be doing the
waltz under water.
Oh!
What joy could ever compare with
waltzing in Venice with care.
What a thrill when the waltz
is fast one, knowing each step
may well be your last one.
For [inaudible] waltzing
in Venice with you.
Waltzing in Venice with
you, isn't so easy to do.
If you should take one
more step and walk off,
you will be doing the
waltz under water.
Oh, what joy ever compare, with
waltzing in Venice with care.
What a thrill when
we're waltzing
a fast one, knowing each step
may well be your last one.
For [inaudible] waltzing
in Venice with you.
Take off the mask,
please take off the mask.
I love you.
I love you anyway so I ask you,
take off the mask you wear.
Please prepare, won't
you lose your aplomb
and take off the garment.
Oh your hiding behind it.
It's no secret to me that
you'll turn out to be my ideal.
Oh!
But I feel that I've
known ya, in Estonia.
And I want to laugh for ya,
down in Latvia, or the things
I've been to ya, in India.
Oh, India.
[laughing]
Oh, well.
I haven't forgotten,
so please don't
be rotten, and
take off your mask,
that's all that I ask you to do.
But please take
off your false face
and just let me waltz
space to face with you.
No, no, no, you naughty boy.
Although you may
think me haughty, boy.
I must refuse what
you're asking me.
You must not think
of unmasking me,
before 12:00, that is
how the day will see.
[laughter]
Put the mask away.
Yes, yes, yes,
yes, you saucy miss.
No!
I will be bold and
force you, miss.
Till midnight, I
don't choose to wait.
Matter of fact,
I refuse to wait.
So take off your mask.
That's just what
I'm going to do.
Put back the mask.
That's all that I ask you to do.
[inaudible] with you.
I hope I was all right.
You think they liked it?
Virginia, your father
wants to see you out there.
Mr. Clayborn, wait
until you see Virginia
in the last half of the show.
That's fine.
Fine.
That's what I'll do.
But the man's waiting
for his money, and--
Well, tell him you'll
just have to wait for it.
Ronny's been so
wonderful to me, Dad.
Please give him the money now.
You see, I promised
him you would.
Oh, Virginia,
I've told you right
along, before I give
you all the money,
I have to see all the show.
But you don't understand.
Oh, I understand
very well, my dear.
I'm more anxious about
your career than you are.
I appreciate how you
feel, sir, but you see,
I promised the man he'd have
his money before showtime, and--
I'll come back before
the show is over.
And don't worry
about the money, son.
A Texan never breaks his word.
It's just a matter of
good business, right?
A program, Mister Clayborn.
Oh, thank you very much, sonny.
[knocking]
[uptempo music]
[applause]
Girls, the Trip
of the Month club
is very happy to announce
that last month's prize
winner is here with us today.
And I'm sure that Mr. Canker
has a very interesting story
to tell us about his
prize-winning pleasure trip
to darkest Africa.
Mr. Canker?
Hola!
Va va va America.
Who ba ba la la Africa.
Hello, America.
Hello, America.
Africa says hello.
[chuckling]
I've just come from Africa, and
I want to take this opportunity
to thank all of you
who are responsible
for my being sent to the Congo.
Your generous donations far
exceeded anything my late wife
or I anticipated.
And the only way I know of
really showing my thanks
for those four swell days
is to share with you some
of the highlights of our trip.
Just keep your seats.
I'm going to be all right.
One of them cobra snakes struck
me right between the eyes.
You know how that feels.
The doctor wanted to
take a look at it,
but I'm set on
finishing this tour,
so I've just been taking
aspirin and doping a little.
There are several
approaches to the jungle.
My wife and I tried them all.
But we found being dropped from
a plane the most satisfactory,
although our guide had
trouble with his parachute,
and jumping them
broke both his ankles.
[chuckling]
But guides are a dime
a dozen down there,
and we got us another
guide right away.
The safari was there already
waiting for us, and we jumped.
And they all began
yelling and throwing
flowers and fruit at us.
Made you feel warm all over.
After an hour or so
of this tomfoolery,
we hit out on the trail.
Our destination
for that first day
was the source of the
Nile, the longest--
and I might add, the
dirtiest river in the world.
Oh, but it was stinkin'.
Our pack mules would fall
down and play dead when
it came time to water them.
It gets dark fairly
early in the jungle.
We pitched camp about
a quarter after 4:00.
In spite of the stench,
I slept like a tot.
That jungle area is
wonderful for sleeping.
So you want to take along
plenty of blankets and guns.
The next morning was one of
those mornings when you hear
the screech of the orangutan,
the roar of the lion,
and the trees were full of
beautifully colored birds
and snakes.
Rembrandt couldn't have
captured that beauty.
It was one of those
mornings you feel like just
running around barefoot.
But we'd only been
tramping on the trail
about four or five
hours, and my wife
began to complain of her feet.
The only shoes she
had with her were
those high-heeled sling pumps.
Well, she just couldn't
take it, so we had to leave
her there out on the trail.
A couple of days
later on the way back,
I found this piece of her
dress along with her purse
and gloves.
And to this day, I don't
know what happened to her.
[chuckling]
But what I really remember
about that day was
it was the only
day it didn't rain,
and I got to take
some dandy snapshots.
They're not quite as good
as I'd like to have them,
but I lost the negatives when
I was washed over a waterfall.
Now, I'm sorry.
As you can see, this first
picture is a little blurry.
But while I was
taking the picture,
I got pretty badly
gored by a rhinoceros.
That laid me up for
a couple of day.
Luckily though, luckily
though-- two woman missionaries
pulled me through that scrape.
I guess they had gotten gored
once or twice themselves,
so I suppose they
knew what to do.
This next picture is
a picture of a chief
of a friendly native tribe.
There aren't too many
friendly tribes in Africa.
In fact, this is the only
one our bunch ran into.
Most of them get a
little out of hand
when you run out of
trinkets for them,
especially them headshrinkers.
Say, they really become sassy.
[inaudible] hat on
when you talk to them.
Well, say-- say, I can see
my time's running out here.
What I've tried to do
is tell and show you
some of the things
about Africa that
aren't in the travel forms.
It isn't the nicest
place in the world.
No, I won't say that.
I'll say this.
I don't believe I'd recommend
it for the whole family.
If the children
don't hunt, there
really isn't too much for them.
Thank you.
[music playing]
(SINGING) It's
raining memories.
I don't need a weatherman
to tell me that.
It's raining memories.
And it's also raining rain.
Just look at my hat.
It rained the day
that I found you,
waiting for a cross-town bus.
It rained the night
that I lost you.
The gods were playing
"House on Fire" with us.
It's raining memories.
Memories of days when
you and I were one.
It's raining memories!
And it's also raining
like a son of a gun.
Romance is just an empty fizzle.
In its grip, I'm a drip
in a dreary drizzle.
Raining memories on me.
You know, he was late today.
[singing in turkish]
You know, in the
old days in Turkey,
they say many women
had male secretaries.
Oh, those Turks.
(SINGING) He takes
me off his income tax.
But after his taxes in
'53, he used to have
a secretary and a yacht.
Now he's left with just
a wife and an old TP.
He takes me off-- stop!
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
an exclusive about a boy who
fell in love with guess who.
He takes me off his income tax--
Well, how am I doing?
Great.
Just great.
But what's the good if
the show has to close?
Do you think you'll get
the rest of the money?
(SINGING) What's
the matter with me?
What's the matter with me?
School has let out, and
it's way after 3:00.
But I'm sitting here
with my chin on my knee.
Say, what is the matter with me?
I should be at home,
and I want to go home.
But I know darn well I'm
not going to go home.
So I just sit here with
my chin on my knee.
What the heck is
the matter with me?
What if the gang saw
me sitting like this?
They'd think I was
waiting for some girl.
So what if they saw me?
They couldn't hee-haw
me, because I'm
not waiting for any girl.
Then why am I waiting here for?
And why am I watching the door?
I'm in love, I'm in love,
I'm in love with Miss Logan.
I'm in love, I'm in love,
I'm in love with Miss Logan.
Though I still hate
arithmetic, I'll
pass arithmetic, long as Miss
Logan is teaching arithmetic.
I'm in love with Miss Logan,
and I wish, I wish I was not.
I'm in love, I'm in
love, I'm in love.
That's my slogan.
With an angel who
flies up above.
That's Miss Logan.
Though the study of
history still is a mystery,
she teaches history,
I love my history.
I'm in love with Miss Logan,
and I hope nobody finds out.
[whistling]
Though I don't even know the
first name of Miss Logan,
I'm in love, I'm in love just
the same with Miss Logan.
Every school day I speak at
her five days a week at her,
yet here I sit waiting
for one more peek at her.
I'm in love with Miss Logan,
and I wish that she'd hurry up.
Oh, hello, Andre.
Hello, Miss Logan.
Are you waiting for someone?
No, mademoiselle.
Everybody's gone home.
I'm the last one.
I know, ma'am.
Did you want to see me?
Oh, no, ma'am.
Andre!
Is there anything wrong?
No, ma'am.
Are you sure?
Yes, ma'am.
All right, then.
Coming, Andre?
-No, ma'am.
-Andre.
Mary!
Darling!
Sorry I'm late.
Easy.
Not in front of the little boy.
Good night, Andre.
See you tomorrow.
He's a funny little fellow.
Sweet, though.
If there's one person that I
don't love, it's Miss Logan.
If there's one person I'd like
to shove, it's Miss Logan.
She could talk to me, sing to
me, candy bars bring to me,
hold me and cling to me,
don't mean a thing to me.
I don't love old Miss Logan,
and I wish-- I wish I was dead.
"Harry the Heel,
notorious pickpocket,
believed seen in local area."
Hello, Harry.
-Hello, May.
-You look tired.
How'd it go today?
Oh, what's the
sense in talking?
The little man
ain't got a chance.
Today, in order
to get someplace,
you gotta be a big operator.
What happened, Harry?
I made $8.
Is this what a man should
bring home to his wife?
May, I'm 53 years old.
I made $8!
And I was darn
lucky to make that.
Thank goodness there
was a parade today,
or I might have ended
up with a lousy $2.
Then you made $6 at the parade.
Now, tell me about it.
Well, there were a lot of
cops around, and I was nervous.
May, something's
happening to me.
I'm getting so I can't pick
pockets when cops are around.
I was never like
that, was I May?
No, Harry.
You were never like that.
Tell me I was never like that.
You were never
like that, Harry.
I was never like that.
You were never like that!
I was never like that.
By the way, where's the kid?
Oh, he's around.
Around where?
Well, he just went
down to the corner
to-- he's down in the
playground playing
baseball with the other boys.
Baseball?
Harry.
This is how a boy
amounts to something?
This is where my
teaching and training go?
Wasted all, wasted on a boy
who takes a bat in his hand
and smashes his father's
hopes and dreams.
Come on.
Eat your spaghetti, Harry.
It's getting cold.
May, this country's
going insane.
All a boy thinks of is
becoming a Joe DiMaggio.
Sit down, Harry.
I talk to him, and he
doesn't listen to me.
May, I've failed.
I've failed as a father.
No, Harry.
And he won't fail you.
He's got your blood in him.
I'm not a well man.
I'm not a well man.
Hello, Mom.
Hiya, Dad.
You're not ashamed to
say hello to your father?
No, I'm not ashamed.
Am I, Mom?
Hiya, Dad.
You're not ashamed
to waste your time
in playgrounds when you
should be learning your craft?
Why, when I was your age, I
was breaking into candy stores
already.
Why's he gotta holler?
You're no good.
You're well liked.
Stanley, I'm your father.
And believe me, I know
what's best for you.
I'll help you.
I'll teach you.
Stanley, oh god, don't you
ever want to become a criminal?
Sure, Dad.
Then in the name of Dillinger,
why don't you listen to me?
Because you holler.
Stanley, I know how
hard it is to start.
I'm not asking you to
do impossible things.
Begin at the bottom.
Start small.
Put slugs into pay telephones.
Steal at school.
Punch your buddy in the mouth.
Stanley, listen to your father.
Sure, Dad.
Hey.
Hey.
That reminds me.
This is the end of
the term, isn't it?
Uh-huh.
OK, where's the report card?
I lost it.
Show your father
the report card.
No, I won't.
Come on, give me
the report card.
No, I won't.
All right.
I guess there comes a
time in every boy's life
when he thinks he
can lick his father.
If you think that time has
come, I'd like to know about it.
Harry.
May.
May!
Think you can whip
your old man, huh?
The old man [inaudible], son.
Come on, son.
May!
Why won't the boy listen to me.
Stanley, show your report
card to your father.
Oh, sure, Dad.
Gee, I wish you
wouldn't look at it.
A?
I'm sorry.
B-plus?
Look, Dad, I tried--
A?
He didn't mean it.
B-plus?
A?
A?
(SHOUTING) A!
A!
A!
A!
A!
A!
You're killing that man.
That's a sick man.
Pay attention!
Oh, Stanley, follow
in his footsteps,
or you'll put your
father in his grave.
Stanley!
Stanley!
Remember, you're an only son,
and you mean so much to us.
Oh, please.
For his sake and
mine, steal something.
Anything!
I know you can.
I know deep down inside,
down where it really counts,
you're rotten.
Thanks, Mom.
Mom, I love him
and I love you too.
You know that.
[inaudible] wrong with me.
I got crazy blood in me.
I'm a misfit like
Uncle Fred, the cop.
You must never mention that
man's name in this house.
Oh, Mom, I gotta
tell you something.
I know it's gonna sound
strange, but you got me-- Ma,
I got a job.
An honest job.
I told you never to
use that kind of--
Stanley, oh, son,
you've come through!
A Tommy gun.
My boy's got a-- what
the heck is this?
It's a violin.
I love it.
I want to be a great musician.
You want to be a--
Dad!
There'll be no
musicians in this house!
Do you hear me?
[screaming]
Stanley, come back!
Let him go.
He's not my son.
We'll go on together alone.
Go get my tools.
I'm gonna crack a safe tonight.
When I'm lost in my work, I
kinda forget the pain of life.
Now, don't forget what
you went through, Harry.
It's a Thompson safe with
a 4.4 tumbler combination.
Don't use too much
nitro, and don't
forget to eat your sandwiches.
And remember, the watchmen
are changed at 10:15.
And Harry, don't look--
Nag, nag, nag!
There's the man.
Harry the Heel, my father.
OK, where's the reward?
Here you are, son. $500.
May!
May, the boy turned
in his own father.
His own flesh and blood
for a filthy reward, May.
Our boy's a stool pigeon!
He's gonna be all right!
He's gonna be all right!
He's gonna be all right!
[knocking]
Everything will
work out, honey.
You'll see.
If your father doesn't give
the money and the show closes,
well, there'll be other shows.
For you, yes.
But not for me.
What are you saying, darling?
Daddy's right.
I don't belong here.
I guess I better go back and
[inaudible] Texas with him.
At least everyone there
won't laugh at me.
I don't laugh at you.
You are a charming,
talented, beautiful girl.
Where I go, you go.
Because-- because
[speaking french].
That is, if you want me.
Why, Robert, what
are you saying?
[speaking french].
In English.
Well, I look at you
through my heart,
and I see the only girl
in the world for me.
Oh, Robert.
(SINGING) I just
got in from Salem,
and I'd like to get the facts.
Someone named Lizzie Borden
has done something with an ax.
And you're worried
because the hoedown
usually held on
Saturday night might
be ruined because of Lizzie.
Is that your problem?
Right.
What in the world's gonna
happen to the hoedown now?
Something wrong
with the hoedown?
What in the world's gonna
happen to the hoedown now?
What went wrong
with the hoedown?
What in the world's gonna happen
to the hoedown since Elizabeth...?
What in the world's gonna
happen to the hoedown now?
What happened?
Don't you know what
happened yesterday morning,
some time between
10 o'clock and noon?
The thing that happened
without any warning.
The biggest news since Mr.
Hughes went up in that balloon.
What in the world's gonna
happen to the hoedown now?
You mean the trial of Lizzie?
What in the world's gonna
happen to the hoedown now?
It's gonna keep you busy.
What in the world's gonna
happen to the hoedown?
Will we let the hoedown go down?
What in the world's
gonna happen since she
caught her parents napping?
What in the world's gonna
happen to the Saturday afternoon
hoedown now that Lizzie
Borden took her ax
and gave her parents 81 whacks,
Lizzie Borden took an ax
and gave them whacks!
Now, as I see it, Lizzie
Borden is slightly out of step,
because she made them
put off the hoedown.
Is that the problem?
Yep.
That means the regular social function
can't be held because of the trial.
Of course we get an injunction.
Or else we could--
Wait a while.
Go tell Mrs. Elmer Drury to come
down here and sit on the jury.
Go get Ebeneezer Bernie.
Who is he?
District attorney.
And tell Mrs. Jones to leave her fudge
and go to the bedroom
to wake up the judge.
Get Miss Lizzy to
bring that ax and come
on down with a couple of facts.
I got a plan that'll
make you smile.
We'll have the hoedown
with the trial.
Come on, everybody.
We'll have the
hoedown with the trial.
Howdy, Lizzy.
Howdy, Judge.
Where's Mr. Bernie?
District Attorney?
There he is, Judge.
There he is, Judge.
Order in the court.
Lizzie, don't budge.
Hello, folks.
Howdy, sonny.
Yesterday in old Fall River,
Mr. Andrew Borden died.
Now they got his daughter Lizzie
on the charge of homicide.
Some folks say she didn't do it.
Others say, of course she did.
But we all agree Miss Lizzy
B is a problem kinda kid.
Because you can't chop your
papa up in Massachusetts.
Not even if it's
planned as a surprise.
No, you can't chop your
papa up in Massachusetts.
You know our neighbors
love to criticize.
Now, she got him on the sofa
where he's gonna take a snooze.
And I hope he went
to heaven, because he
wasn't wearing shoes.
She sorta rearranged him
with a hatchet, so they say.
And then she got her mama in
that same old fashioned way.
Because you can't chop your
mama up in Massachusetts.
Not even if you're
tired of her cuisine.
No, you can't chop your
mama up in Massachusetts.
You know it's almost
sure to cause a scene.
Well, they really kept her
hopping on that busy afternoon,
what with down and
upstairs chopping
while she hummed a ragtime too.
They really made her hustle,
and when all was said and done,
she removed her mother's bustle
when she wasn't wearing one.
Because you can't chop your
mama up in Massachusetts.
And then blame all
the damage on the mice.
No, you can't chop your
mama up in Massachusetts.
That kinda thing
just isn't very nice.
Now, it wasn't done for pleasure
and it wasn't done for spite,
and it wasn't done because
the lady wasn't very bright.
She always did the slightest
thing her ma and papa said.
They said Lizzie, cut it out.
And that's exactly what she did.
Because you can't chop your
papa up in Massachusetts.
And then get dressed
and go out for a walk.
No, you can't chop your
papa up in Massachusetts.
Massachusetts is a
far cry from New York.
Now, what do we do now?
Let's have a hoedown.
What do we do about her?
About me?
About you?
[inaudible].
Did you do it, Liz?
Dear me, no.
- Is that good enough for you, Judge?
- I guess so.
Is that good enough
for you folks?
-Yes!
-Then, Lizzie, you're free.
Yes!
Oh, you can't chop your
papa up in Massachusetts.
Shut the door and
lock and latch it.
Here comes Lizzie with
a brand new hatchet.
You can't chop your
mama up in Massachusetts.
Cross your fingers,
knock on wood.
Local gal is making good.
You can't chop your
papa up in Massachusetts.
Such a snob, I heard it said,
she met a pa and cut him dead.
You can't chop your
papa up in Massachusetts.
Jump like a fish.
Jump like a porpoise.
All take hands
and habeas corpus.
You can't chop your
papa up in Massachusetts.
Massachusetts is a
far cry from New York.
Oh, Lizzie Borden,
Massachusetts
is a far cry from New York.
[whistling]
You know, in France, we usually
celebrate our Fourth of July
by having what you
call a block dance.
We dress ourselves as American
jitterbugs and cowboys.
[speaking french].
She says, it was
the 14th of July.
[speaking french].
The streets were all
decorated with lanterns.
[speaking french].
She meets a boy.
[speaking french].
And naturalement,
they fall in love.
[singing in french]
When I first met you, there
you stood under a lantern
all alone.
Blue, green-- your
bright shining eyes
made my head turn upside down.
Remember the old man who
tried to talk politics?
We could scarcely hear him.
For us, [inaudible].
It's a night I'll
always remember.
[singing in french]
[humming]
It was wonderful.
Wonderful.
Virginia, you were great, dear.
Just great.
Oh, thanks, Dad.
I always knew you'd
be a hey cuckoo.
I mean Virginia.
Well, here you are.
Dad, I've got a
surprise for you.
I'm going to be married.
Married?
Well, congratulations, son.
How tall are you?
Oh, about six feet, I guess.
Six feet?
Oh, that's wonderful.
That's the way we
like them in Texas.
I knew you wouldn't
disappoint me, Virginia.
Dad, this is the man
I'm going to marry.
(SINGING) Everyone gets into a
dull routine if they don't get
a chance to change the scene.
I could not be wearier.
Life could not be drearier
if I lived in Siberia.
I'll tell ya what I mean.
I met a rather amusing fool
while on my way to Istanbul.
He gave me the Black Sea
for my swimming pool.
Monotonous.
For 30 days, salt air
I sniffed while I was
shipwrecked and cast
adrift with a man who
looked like Montgomery Clift.
Monotonous.
For what it's worth,
throughout the earth,
I'm known as femme fatale.
When the yawn comes up
like thunder, brother,
take back your Taj Mahal.
Jack Fath made a
new style for me.
I even made Johnny
Ray smile for me.
A camel once walked
a mile for me.
Monotonous.
Monotonous.
I could not be wearier.
Life could not be drearier
if I lived in Siberia.
Traffic has been
known to stop for me.
Prices even rise
and drop for me.
Toscanini played bop for me.
Monotonous.
Monotone-eous.
Ah!
There are such demands for me.
A man of distinction
switched brands for me.
Macy's and Gimbal's
shook hands for me.
Monotonous.
Monotonous.
Monotonous.
Everything's going to
be all right, Robert.
Are you sure, darling?
Daddy's going home tonight.
Oh, I almost forgot.
EARTHA: (SINGING) Ah!
Here.
I better hurry.
I could not be wearier!
Life could not be drearier
if I lived in Siberia.
Though I know I've
acres of dough,
I'm not sure of the amount.
It might be exciting someday
if I learned to count.
Chian Kai-Shek sends
me pots of tea.
Gaylord Hauser sends me
vitamin D. They wrote for me.
Monotonous.
Monotonous.
Monotonous.
(SINGING) I take him
off my income tax.
I buy him anything I please.
He doesn't cost very much.
And goodness, he's
so nice to squeeze.
Now?
Now!
Ladies and gentlemen,
the next number
really needs no introduction.
And so, we won't make any.
Now?
Now!
I take him off my income tax.
I buy him anything I please.
He doesn't cost me very much.
We hope to see you again.
We hope you see us again.
What a pleasant
way to finally be.
We hope you can [inaudible].
We vocally took your hand.
And vocally shook your hand.
And asked you to regard this
hullabaloo as our [inaudible]
our thanks to you.
Our thanks to you,
Mr. Orchestra.
Thanks to you, Mrs. Mezzanine.
Thanks to you, Lord
and Lady Balcony.
You're the nicest
people we've ever seen.
We say it again.
Encore.
We're ready to [inaudible].
And we're hoping as our
musical ends that new faces
and you are now good friends.