Never Give a Sucker an Even Break (1941) - full transcript

- How are you, Joe?
- Hello, gorgeous.

- Say, your daughter's looking for you.
- Thanks. I'll take the next bus.

OK, gorgeous.

- Hello. Who you doubling today?
- Lydia Flickerman, an aerial act.

- Be careful.
- Say, I thought you were rehearsing.

I haven't even started yet.

You knock 'em over,
and I'll let you support me.

If Uncle Bill sells a script,
you won't have to work any more.

Your Uncle Bill is too good.
We owe him too much already.

Look what I found this morning.

Close your eyes.



Wish.

Was that a bupke.

You're about to fall heir
to a kitten's stocking.

What's a kitten's stocking?

A sock on the puss.

Another bupke.

Raspberries!

Raspberries!

Raspberries!

Raspberries!

Raspberries!

Ha-ha. Hiya, tootie pie.
Everything under control?

Who are you talking to?

Oh, fine. I'm hitting it once. Ohh!



Hi.

It's a lucky thing I recognised you.
I thought it was that guy coming back again.

I was about to clout your brains out.

How about a part
in this new picture of yours?

Go away, or I'll kill ya.

You're all right. You're all set.

Thank you, Mr Fields.

How'd you like to hide the egg
and gurgitate a few sources of mocha java?

- No, thanks. I've just had breakfast.
- Oh, you have, eh?

Well, call me up at some time at the house.

- What time?
- Oh, couple o'clock.

Ah, good morning, beautiful.

What do you hear from Gosha?

Ah, a ringer.

Uh, got a menu?

Thank you. Thank you.

Uh, is there any goulash on this menu?

It's roast beef gravy.

Oh, it's roast beef gravy.

Is that steak New York-cut?

What about? Oh. Oh, excuse me.

No extra charge for the cold shower, I hope.

Do you think it's too hot for pork chops?

Oh...

That practically eliminates everything
but the ham and eggs.

Forgot about that.

Uh... no ham?

- Uh, two four-minute eggs in glass.
- Cup.

Uh, yes, cup.

- And some whole-wheat...
- White.

Some white bread, yes.

And a, uh... Get away from there.

- And a cup of mocha java with cream.
- Milk.

Uh, milk, yes. That's fine.

Two in the water, easy.

I don't know why I ever come in here.

Flies get the best of everything.
Go away, go away, go away.

~ Estrellita del lejano cielo ~

~ Que miras mi dolor ~

~ Que sabes mi sufrir ~

~ Baja y dime ~

~ Si me quiere un poco ~

~ Porque yo no puedo ~

~ Sin su amor vivir ~

~ Estrellita del lejano cielo ~

~ Que miras mi dolor ~

~ Que sabes mi sufrir ~

~ Baja y dime ~

~ Si me quiere un poco ~

~ Porque yo no puedo ~

~ Sin su amor vivir ~

~ ¡ Tú eres estrella mi faro de amor! ~

~ Tú sabes que pronto he de morir ~

~ Baja y dime ~

~ Si me quiere un poco ~

~ Porque yo no puedo ~

~ Sin su amor vivir ~

Oh, yes, Mr Pangborn. We just made it.

Uh-huh. I'll have Gloria Jean ready
whenever you say. All right.

Thank you, Mr Pangborn.

Another thing, you're always squawking.
If it isn't the steak, it's something else.

I didn't squawk about the steak, dear.

I merely said I didn't see that old horse
that used to be tethered outside here.

You're as funny as a cry for help.

You also pull that old gag
about breaking your fork in the gravy.

I didn't say anything
about breaking the fork in the gravy.

Didn't you used to be an old Follies girl?

There's something awfully big about you.

Thank you, dear. Thank you...

Your nose.

Something
awfully big about you, too.

- Hiya, Tiny.
- Hiya, Joe.

Gimme a cup of jamoche.

Probably means mocha java.

- Uh, what's the amount of the insult?
- That'll be 35 cents.

35 cents. Thank you.

- Have you any imported cigars?
- Stingaroos. Four for a nickel.

That's fine. As long as they're imported.

You know, if anybody ever comes in here
and gives you a $10 tip,

uh, scrutinise it carefully, cos there's
a lot of counterfeit money going around.

I'll give you the dough. Here. There.

If I get counterfeit nickels or pennies,
I'll know where they came from.

You're so clever.

- Ha. Who told you I was clever?
- All your friends at the studio.

- Oh, drat. I told 'em not to tell you...
- And another thing...

Don't be so free with your hands.

Listen, honey, I was only trying
to guess your weight.

You take things too seriously.

Baloney Mahoney malarkey, ya big kabloona.

"Kabloona"?
I haven't been called that for two days.

I suffered from high blood pressure for years.
Then I lost my dough, and I had to give it up.

Very comical.

Look at that hat. That's nice. That's fine.

Aren't you a little confused?

Uh... in which way?

Your hat.

Oh!

Thanks a thousand times. Yes.

I... mistook it.

Thank you.

Excuse me, blimpy pie.

Ha! I forgot to take the cellophane off.

Very fortunate it didn't burn my hat.

2, 3, 4, 5...

Johnson!

Johnson!

Quiet!

- Gloria Jean, we'll rehearse the number.
- We have to get this set finished by morning.

- What am I supposed to do?
- Let my men continue working.

They have to stop for rehearsal.
One whistle for quiet, two to resume work.

- That OK, Mr Pangborn?
- Well, uh...

Quiet!

This...

This is not the song that you're to sing.

This is the song Uncle Bill told me to sing.

- Uncle who?
- Mr Fields.

Huh. Swish-wash.

This is the number that you're to sing.

Quiet!

Quiet!

Um... Uh, Johnson...

Why do I have to work on a busy stage
with 48 stages in this studio?

- I'm sorry, Mr Pangborn, but they're busy.
- Busy?

I don't like this song.

Neither do I, Gloria. Come on,
might as well let 'em have it.

~ Ah-ah-ah-ah ah-ah ~

~ I hear a song so gay ~

~ Ah-ah-ah-ah ah-ah ~

~ I hear it all the day ~

~ Ah-ah-ah-ah ah-ah ~

~ Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah ~

~ Ah-ah-ah, I hear it bring ~

~ Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah ~

~ A message of spring ~

~ Birds and flowers ~

~ Leafy flowers ~

~ Great for some, not I ~

~ Night and day, ah-ah-ah ~

~ Breezes play, ah-ah-ah ~

~ Gently, ah-ah-ah ah-ah-ah ah-ah-ah ~

~ Ah-ah-ah ah-ah-ah ah-ah-ah-ah ~

~ Ah-ah ~

All right!

Quiet!

No, no, no, Gloria Jean.
I want more life.

~ Gaily through the swaying trees ~

~ Darting sunbeams light the forest ~

~ While the zephyrs kiss the murmuring leaves ~

~ Sweetly fragrant with the breath ~

~ Of spring ~

~ Ah-ah ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah ~

~ Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah ~

~ High in the sky above ~

~ Birds are winging, loudly singing... ~

No, no! How many times
do I have to tell you?

- ~ Is a welcome into spring ~
- 4, 5. 1, 2, 3, 4.

- ~ Ah-ah ah-ah ah-ah ~
- 1, 2, 3, 4.

- ~ Ah-ah ~
- 1, 2, 3, 4.

~ Ah-ah ah-ah ah-ah ~

~ Ah-ah-ah ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah ~

~ Ah-ah to spring ~

~ Love fills the air ~

~ Ah-ah-ah-ah ~

~ Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah ~

~ Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah ~

~ Love's everywhere ~

~ Ah-ah-ah-ah ~

~ Every lover is sighing of love undying ~

~ Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah ~

~ Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah ~

No, no, no, Gloria Jean. Not like that.

Like this...

~ Ah-ah ah-ah ah-ah-ah-ah! ~

Lunch! One hour!

Now, Gloria Jean, you've got to do this number
all the way through.

One...

~ Ah-ah-ah ah-ah-ah ah-ah-ah ~

~ Ah-ah-ah-ah ~

~ Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah ~

~ Ah-ah-ah ah-ah-ah ah-ah-ah-ah-ah ~

~ Ah-ah-ah-ah ah-ah-ah ah-ah-ah-ah ~

~ Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah ~

~ Sing then of the joy of springtime ~

~ Ah-ah-ah-ah ~

~ Ah-ah-ah-ah ~

~ Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah ~

~ Ah ah ah ah ~

~ Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah, ah-ah-ah-ah-ah ~

~ Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah ~

~ Ah ah ~

~ Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah ~

~ Ah ah ~

~ Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah ~

~ Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah ~

~ Ah ah-ah ~

~ Ah-ah ~

Timber!

Stop it!

Stop it!

Hello, Uncle Bill.

Where are you going?

I'm going to the studio to read my script.

- Don't you think I'd better go in with you?
- Oh, no, dear. I'll be all right.

- Don't let them chisel you.
- I won't, dear.

You ought to be in rehearsing
with Buddy and Butch.

- I can't find them.
- Go in there and look for 'em.

Godfrey Daniel.

Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh.

Hold your temper, count ten.

Now let her go. You got a good aim.

A beauty.

Ah, good morning. I have an engagement
for a story conference.

You big hottie-dottie,

you smoke vile cigars all day
and drink whisky half the night.

- Someday you'll drown in a vat of whisky.
- "Drown in a vat of whisky".

Death, where is thy sting?

Goodbye.

Thank you. Shortest interview on record.

I beg your pardon? What did you say?

I have an engagement to read my script.

- What was the name?
- Uh, WC... Uh, Bill Fields.

- Glad to know you, Mr Fields.
- Glad to know you.

- Step right into my office.
- Yes, I will, too.

Oh, oh. I'm sorry. Well...

- Excuse me.
- Well...

Well, watch your step here.

Oh, drat.

Oh, drat.

You all right, Bill?

Oh!

Hello, dear.

Pardon me, Mr Fields,
but my wife's not going to be dragged

in and out of your picture
by the hair of her head.

Of course this is only a rough draft.
You've gotta bear with me a half a tick.

And, uh, you'll have to take
that crab net off, dear.

Here's one of the scenes.
Do you mind being seated?

Oh, no. No. My dear...

Uh, Peck's Pool Hall.

They're playing for the world championship,
including a two-dollar side bet.

You are riding in a Jeep
on the sidewalk with a sailor.

The scene intrigues you.

You hop off while it is going.

In the circus scene, you wear a beard.

I wear a beard?

Yeah. A small beard, a Vandyke.

Just a little... You know
what a Vandyke is, don't you?

I certainly do.

Oh. Uh, you enter the pool hall.

The contender for the championship
just ripped the cloth,

- which causes the ball...
- Morning, Mr Pangborn.

- Good morning, Mrs Pastromi.
- Uh...

Take that Groucho Marx out of here, please.

...which causes the ball
to leap off the table. It...

Just a moment, please.

Hello?
Oh. It's the other phone.

Hello. Yes, she's here.
It's for you, Mrs Pastromi.

Strong men faint.

Some feint with their rights...

Hello? Yes. I can't hear you.
You'll have to talk louder.

- I'm taking as loud as I can!
- Yeah.

- We always have spaghetti for dinner.
- Yeah.

- I can't hear ya! Goodbye.
- Oh. Goodbye.

- Thank you, Mrs Pastromi.
- You're welcome.

Then you go off to the local barber shop
and get shaved,

and play the rest of the scene

and the picture
with an absolutely clean face.

Oh. Well, all right, we can cut that out.

I'll read it myself, Mr Fields.

I get a better feel, capture the mood
and tempo better, see?

It's in English, isn't it?

"Long shot of streamlined plane
with open-air rear observation comp..."

"With open-air rear observation comp..."

"In the plane is the handsome hero,
Bill Fields..."

"...and his little niece Gloria Jean,
who wing their way toward the Russian village..."

"...in the strange and distant land of..."

- Are you happy?
- You bet I am, Uncle.

Must be a Shriners' convention in town.

Or maybe he's a cigarette salesman.

- I beg your pardon.
- That's quite all right.

It doesn't matter.

I hope he hasn't brought his polo ponies
on board with him.

They'll be pawing all night and keep us awake.

- Good night, Uncle.
- Good night, dear.

Don't worry. I'll be here
in the upper berth next to you.

All right.

- What's the matter, sprain your ankle?
- No, no, no. A dog bit me.

Yeah, I was playing croquet,
and I dropped my mallet,

and a little dachshund ran straight out
and grabbed me by the fetlock.

Oh. Rather fortunate it wasn't
a Newfoundland dog that bit ya.

Yes, rather. I suppose so.

I'm sleeping here somewhere,
but I have no idea where.

Well, there's no other place to sleep
if you don't sleep in the plane.

That's right.

No hotels around anywhere.

- Here you are, Mr Fields.
- Oh, thank you.

Where are you supposed to sleep,
in that little hammock?

Yes, sir.

- Good night, Uncle Bill.
- Good night, dear.

I'll be right across the way, dear.

I'll be up here all alone,
except that fly. Get outta there.

Get the other leg, please. Thanks.

That's the one. I use both of 'em.

This will... answer as a nightcap, I guess.

Time to get up, sir. We're landing shortly.

Oh.

- Oh...
- Are you air sick?

No, dear.

Somebody put too many olives
in my martinis last night.

- Shall I get you a Bromo?
- No, I couldn't stand the noise.

- Time to get up, little lady.
- Get up.

OK.

We're landing in a few minutes, a half-hour.

Two or three... What time
did she say we were landing?

Maybe we're not gonna land.
Go back to sleep again.

~ Chickens, they lay eggs in Kansas ~

~ Chickens, they lay eggs in Kansas ~

~ Chickens lay eggs big as nutmegs ~

~ But chickens lay eggs in Kansas ~

~ Chickens have pretty legs in Kansas ~

~ Chickens have pretty legs in Kansas ~

~ That is really not a joke ~

~ One roll may form my poke ~

~ Chickens have pretty legs in Kansas ~

Ah, those clouds
look just as fleecy as, uh...

Wow...

Got enough material there
for a Ringling Brothers' big top.

May be a smuggler.

You a big nose habit.

Oh, it's a surprise to me.

I say, I should take that as a personal insult.

- Yeah, I should, too.
- I you hate, too.

He hates you, too.

Hear, hear. I say, half a tick, old man.
Half a tick.

Oh!

Steady on, man. Steady on.

I have a big nose habit, eh?

You... me on the head hitted?

Say, boys, let me outta this thing.
I'm neutral. Go ahead.

Uh, forgot my soap, forgot my razor,
forgot everything.

Pardon me.

Oh, yes.

No wonder they call this a giant airliner.

Do you travel as one person,
or did you get a party rate of ten?

Huh?

OK, no answer.

Oh. Uh...

Oh, here you are.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

- I didn't sleep well last night.
- You didn't?

- I'm trouble with insomnia.
- Oh, insomnia.

- I know a good cure for it.
- Yeah?

- Get plenty of sleep.
- Sleep.

Yeah, it's what the doctor told me.

If he's not on the plane in the morning,
then I can get off.

Excuse me.

Always brush 'em down like that,
never across like that.

That's what it says
in the latest etiquette book, yeah.

I'm OK.

Ha. Must've just gone through a cloud.

Ha, that's a hot one. You were
shaving me, and I was shaving you.

Oh.

- Ah. You ready, dear?
- Be ready in a jiffy.

Uh, a jiffy? Oh, OK.

Well, I'll meet you
on the back platform, dear.

- All right.
- OK, dear.

- Hello, dear.
- Oh, Miss.

What inclement weather.

- What are you drinking, Uncle Bill?
- A little ginger ale. Pull up a chair.

You know, Uncle Bill, I've been thinking.
Why didn't you ever marry?

I was in love
with a beautiful blonde once, dear.

She drove me to drink.
That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.

- Uh, go and pack your little portmanteau.
- All right.

Uncle Bill!

Uncle Bill!

Agh!

Phew!

Oh, boy.

Why didn't I think of that parachute?

Well, there she goes.

Whoo, what a bump. And how fortunate... -

How do you do?

Do you live here?

- What are you?
- I'm an American citizen.

American eagle?

Uh, no. It's the first time
I've ever been up in a plane in my life.

I'm, uh, just a man.

"Man"? I never heard that word before.

You didn't?

- Are you really a man?
- Well, I've been called other things.

I've never seen one before in all my life.

You never have, eh?

Mother brought me to the nest here
when I was only three months' old.

Oh, she did, eh?

- You've never seen a man?
- Mm-mm.

Did you ever play the game of Squidulum?

No. The only game I've ever played is Beanbag.

Beanbag. Oh, it's very good.
Becomes very exciting at times.

I saw the championship played in Paris.
Many people were killed.

Pull up a chair.

Get a little closer. You're... too far away.

Wait. Maybe I'm the one that's...

Uh... Now you put your hands
on your head that way.

That's it. Now close your eyes,

and pucker your lips a bit.

Uh, shall we play another rubber?

Why, Mother...

- Romulus and Remus.
- What are you doing here?

Mother, this is a man. He fell out of an airplane
and brought a wonderful new game.

It's called Squidulum.

You pull two chairs together, place your hands
on your head in this fashion,

then you close your eyes,
and then you both press your lips together.

I'll try it with him.

Mother knows best.

Close your eyes, Mother.

Men! Men, they're all alike.
They'll deceive you as your father did me.

He kissed a chorus girl,
and when I found out, he said:

"Oh, I was drunk and didn't know
what I was doing."

Do you think he drinks?

He didn't get that nose
from playing Ping-Pong.

What a catastrophe.

Just a minute, Mr Fields.
There's a limit to everything.

This script is an insult
to a man's intelligence, even mine.

You drop from a plane
10,000 feet in the air,

and you land in a divan without a scratch.

You play Post Office with a blonde,
then throw yourself over a cliff in a basket.

It's impossible, inconceivable,
incomprehensible.

And besides that, it's no good.

And as for the continuity, it's terrible.

And for my own information,
off the record,

what's happened to Gloria Jean,
where has she been all this time?

Oh. Oh, I see. Here she is.

"Poor little Gloria,
almost in tears, waiting at the airport,..."

"...not knowing which way to turn,
when suddenly..."

- Telephone, honey.
- Telephone?

Hello? Uncle Bill!

Where are you? What?

Yes. Yes, I'll be right over.

- How do you get to the Russian village?
- I'll take care of it.

I fell out of an airplane

while I was trying to retrieve
a bottle of golden nectar

and landed on the pinnacle of yonder rock

where is domiciled a vision of loveliness
if ever there was one.

And her mother, a buzzard
if ever there was one.

If that girl is that beautiful,
I'll scale the wall tomorrow.

They say the old buzzard's husband
walked out on her before the girl was born,

and she vowed the daughter
would never see or hear the name "man".

They say the old gal has a bankroll so big,
a greyhound couldn't leap over it.

Yeah?

Oh, well, she seems to have
a kind heart, too.

Maybe you could induce her
to come down and talk turkey

to one that really loves her
and has her interest at heart.

She seemed like
an awfully nice woman to me...

...now that I come to think of it.

Hey, hey. Two goat milks.

- Two what?
- Mm-hm. You'll love it.

I'm not so sure about that.

Oh, yes, yes. This is...

- This is a drink.
- Haven't you any red eye?

Three cheers?

That's good.
Good. Whew.

Well, it hasn't killed you.

Course not.

Uncle Bill!

Hello, dear.

Dear, I'm so glad you arrived safely.
This is my little niece, Gloria Jean.

- This is Mister...
- Roberts.

- Mr Roberts and Mister...
- Carson.

- Mr Carson, yeah.
- What are you drinking, Uncle Bill?

I'm drinking goat's milk, dear.

- What kind of goat's milk?
- Nanny goat's milk. It's very sweet.

Gargo.

Gargo.

Oh!

Gargo.

Hello.

Hello.

- Have you ever played Squidulum?
- No. I've never heard of it.

Oh, well, we place our hands
on our head thus,

then we close our eyes,

and then we press our lips together.

Go ahead.

Ain't it fun? The man that was here yesterday

said this was a national game
where he came from.

Mm.

You must be a professional.

Did the man here yesterday
play this game with you?

Yes, he did, but when Mother wanted to play,
he got frightened and dived over the parapet.

Why, the old reprobate.

Let's play Squidgy.

Quiet!

~ If a body meet a body ~

~ Comin' through the rye ~

~ If a body kiss a body ~

~ Need a body cry? ~

~ Every lassie has her laddie ~

~ Nay, nay, say I ~

~ Yet all the lads, they smile on me ~

~ When comin' through the rye ~

~ When the body met the body ~

~ The body to the body said ~

~ Oh, body, you're somebody ~

~ You ought to get a head ~

~ Every lassie has her laddie ~

~ But I'll be different, I think ~

~ I'm gonna find a daddy ~

~ To dress me up in mink ~

~ Then we'll ride, ride, ride ~

~ A-comin' through the rye, rye, rye ~

~ A-comin' through the rye ~

~ Yes, indeedy, Daddy ~

~ We'll be comin' on through the rye ~

Marvellous. Wonderful. Amazing.

The girl's lived on a mountaintop
since she was three months old,

and for no reason at all,
suddenly blossoms out with jumpin' jive.

Do you actually think I'm a dope?
Don't you answer that.

Let's get on with it, anyway.

Squidge.

Are you sure you've lived here
since you were three months old?

Squidge.

Wh-Who are you?

- Mrs Hemogloben.
- Who?

Mrs Hemogloben.

Gimme another transfusion.

Hema... Hemaglo...
You're the dame that has all that m...

You're the beautiful lady
that has the house on top of the hill.

All my life I've been craving
love of this kind.

Oh, love!

- You can't get that cricket bat in here.
- Yeah, sure.

- What kind of bird is that, Uncle Bill?
- It's a Philly Lou bird, dear.

- Flies backwards.
- Flies backwards?

Yes. It lives in the desert. Flies backwards
to keep the sand out of its eyes.

I wonder where the contraption is
that starts this thing.

Did it hurt you, Uncle?

No. How could a rock dropping
from a thousand feet hurt your head?

Ah, here we go.

You can see all over the country, can't ya?

Agh!

Oh, for a Maxwell parachute.

- What's a Maxwell parachute?
- Good until the last drop, dear.

Huh. Here we go again.

You ready, children?

Uh, go away, folks.
My dear Mrs Hemogloben...

A token of my love and esteem.

What a voracious appetite
that little bird had. I... Oh.

Here you are. I didn't...

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

Fly away.
He'll stay... May I?

- Oh, please do.
- Thank you.

Once when I...

Oh, dear. Are you hurt?

I can't tell...

Oh, my. Oh...

- Pardon me. May I remove the basket?
- Yes, please do.

- Good gracious.
- Yes.

Oh, my. Oh. Oh, I'm so sorry.

Oh, it's quite all right. Quite all right.

- Can you do anything with it?
- I think I can. I don't know what yet.

My Uncle Bill.

But I still love him.

My dear Mrs Hemogloben, when I first saw you,
I was so enamoured with your beauty.

Oh, Mr Fields.

I ran to the basket, jumped in,

went down to the city
and bought myself a wedding outfit.

And now I'm here, to...

I've fallen off the seat.

Oh, you're so full of romance.

Every night. What's the matter with this?
Sit down on it again, will ya?

Let me help you. Oh...

Oh, dear, everything seems to be going wrong.

Yes, it does.

Mother, Mr Carson and I
are gonna be married, and right away, too.

Mr Fields brought up Mr Clines - sheriff,
magistrate and mayor of the village.

- He's gonna marry us immediately.
- Why not make it a doubleheader?

Saturday afternoon,
and I haven't anything to do.

Mr Fields, this is so sudden.
Oh, I'm so happy.

And so am I.

Hello there!

- Oh...
- Well, my dream girl.

Oh...

Ah, Leon.

My bon ami.

Have you seen our... my...
our hanging swimming pool?

Hanging swim? No.

Be a dear. Show him
the hanging swimming pool.

Hanging swinging pool?
Where is this?

Right here. Get up.
You can see it a little better.

- Up here'd be better? Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.

Yeah.

Agh! Agh! Aaaagh!

Ahh...

Suffering sciatica.

Last time, it was pink elephants.

- Oh, you're back.
- Yes. Poor chap just had a mishap.

- That's too bad.
- Slipped over the parapet.

- Oh, my.
- Shall we proceed with the ceremony?

Just as you say.

Thank you, Mrs Hemogloben.

- May I call you Daisy?
- Oh, I wish you would.

- Uncle Bill.
- Yes, dear?

- May I see you?
- Certainly. Excuse me, Mrs Hemogloben.

Certainly.

- What is it?
- Uncle Bill, I don't want you to get married.

You listen to me, Missy. Don't you wanna live
in this beautiful nest, have a personal maid?

No.

Wear diaphanous gowns,

and eat regularly?

I just want to be with you.

- You'll be with me.
- But she'll be with us.

Never thought of that.

We're falling 2,000 feet.

It's all right, dear.

Don't start worrying
till we get down 1,999.

It's the last foot that's dangerous.

That's all. That's enough. That's too much.

Airplanes with sundecks,

Russian villages in the sky.

Gorillas playing Post Office.

Cows, sheep, goat's milk.

I'm going, and when I get back,
you'd better not be here.

I don't care where you go, just go.

Go get a drink, two drinks.
Get a dozen drinks.

- Phew. Gimme a drink. I'm dying.
- What'll it be?

- Oh, a jumbo ice cream soda.
- What flavour?

I don't care. Spinach, horseradish,
anything you got there.

- I'll give you peach.
- Oh, thank you. Thank you.

Phew. I feel as though
somebody stepped on my tongue

with muddy feet. Ha.

This scene's supposed to be in a saloon,
but the censor cut it out.

It'll play just as well.

Come on, where's my drink?

Uh! Ah-ah.

It's killers like you
that give the West a bad name.

Uh, gimme a couple of ladyfingers,
will you, please?

Thank you.

Ah, that's better.

So long, Tom. I'd rather
be in a saloon at that.

- Don't you worry about it.
- But Uncle Bill said he's going away.

Fine, fine... I mean,
now don't worry about your Uncle Bill.

He's lived his life and ruined mine.

It's you we've got to think about.
You're young, you've got a great career ahead.

You'll do big things.

- Maybe Uncle Bill can write another story.
- No, no, don't say that.

I never wanna see him again.
He's a numskull.

Do you know what Uncle would do
if he heard you say that?

- No. What would he do if he heard me say that?
- This.

And if Uncle Bill doesn't work here any more,
I don't, either.

But I don't want you to go away
without me, Uncle Bill.

The enterprise in which I'm about to embark on
is fraught with imminent peril.

Much too dangerous for a young lady
of your tender years.

Another thing - I promised your mother
I'd look out for you.

- How can you when I'm here and you're?
- You wanna go to school, don't you?

No.

You wanna grow up and be dumb
like Zasu Pitts?

She only acts like that in pictures.
I like her.

- Don't you wanna be smart?
- No. I wanna be like you.

- Don't you think I'm smart?
- Not very. I don't like teachers anyhow.

Well, there's no sense
in arguing with a woman.

- You go with me.
- Yippee.

Look out, dear.

Who do you think you're backing into,
you big lummox?

Hello, Officer.

Uh, here's a dollar and quarter.
Go in and buy yourself several outfits.

- We're liable to be down there a year.
- OK, thanks.

You're welcome, dear.

Ah. Hello, Officer.

Uh... Am I too near the plug or somethin'?

I can move out in a minute.

Car 202.
Calling car number 202.

Go immediately to North National Bank.

Get necessary information regarding two crooks
who held up the bank for $150,000.

150,000. That is all.

"That is all"? 150,000. It ain't hay, is it?

Car 202, bank robbery.
North National Bank has been held up.

One crook - slight build, a jockey.
Has a horse scar behind his left ear.

Must be some ear
to get a horse scar behind it.

Keep quiet, please.

Other crook has corn teeth, cauliflower ear,
apple-red cheeks, muttonchop whiskers.

Sounds like a full-course dinner to me.
What, no apple pie?

Oh, shut up.

- Now, it's blue for a boy and pink for a girl?
- Yes.

Well, I'll take the pink one.

- Is that the right time?
- Yes. It's Western Postal Time.

I have to get these to the baby hospital.
I'm leaving for Salt Lake this afternoon.

- See you when I get back.
- All right, Mrs Wilson.

Get me a cab.

I've got to get to the maternity hospital
right away.

If I can be of any assistance...

- Can you rush her to the maternity hospital?
- Yes. Get in the back.

- And tell my niece to meet me...
- I'll take care of her, sir.

Oh.

Slow down. Take it easy, please.

I can't get her down any further.
This is all I can get out of this old crate.

- Maternity hospital.
- 14th and B street.

OK.

What do you think you're going to, a fire?

Uh... uh, maternity hospital.

OK, tomato puss, follow me.

Short cut to the hospital.

Darn those drunken peggers.

Get outta the way!

Move. Outta the... way.

Look out there! Look out!

What a splendid view
of Californian climate.

He said the fire's back there.

- Go back.
- Tell him to make up his mind.

Matern...

- Quiet.
- Where am I?

- You'll alarm the other patients.
- What do I care? Where am I?

- Go away.
- Just a minute.

Just a minute nothing. Give me my...

Uncle Bill, are you all right?

Lucky I didn't have an accident.
I'd have never gotten here.

My Uncle Bill. But I still love him.