Nerds of a Feather (1989) - full transcript

[music playing]

[music playing]

RUSSIAN TECHNICIAN: It's him.

We're doomed.

Don't worry.

The wind is taking him
out in another direction.

It looks like a
hang-gliding school.

Sound the alarm.

[beeps]

[alarm]

Shred all documents.



Use the self-destruct
button and prepare to jump.

[alarm]

[music playing]

[explosion]

[explosion]

[music - brenda, "flyaway"]

CAR DEALER: Nice doing
business with you, Mr. Watson.

Remember, the warranty ends
when you drive off our lot.

Here are the keys
to your new car.

[cackle]

[music playing, rattling engine]

[choking, coughs]

[RATTLING, GRINDING, MUSIC
PLAYING]

[siren, backfires, rattling]



LAMPSHADE (VOICEOVER):
I'm Lampshade, a dog.

[siren, backfires, rattling]

He's Peter, a nerd.

All people are nerds.

[police radio chatter]

[backfire]

[backfires, rattling]

Good evening, Commander.

I have assigned you, Lieutenant
Karin, you, Major Pastovich,

my most lethal weapons
to find the Professor

and the life extension formula
and bring them back to Moscow.

We will not fail on
our mission, Commander.

We are dedicated.

We'll do whatever
our mission requires.

I'm sure that you will, Anya.

Eh, Lieutenant Karin.

With the formula, we can
double the strength of a man,

freeze his body, and
bring him back to life

any time in the future.

Now the Professor has
a sister in California.

We think that he went
there with the formula.

We will berth at [inaudible]
Ultravich at 19:00 hours.

[music playing]

[bubbling]

[music playing]

Interrogation had revealed
that the Professor had himself

frozen in a cow's carcass.

This is the Ultravich, a
nuclear-powered, 190-foot long

submarine limo,
complete with exercise

room, bowling lanes, arcade
game room, and a top-side cafe.

A little army of
fearless fighters

will be under your
command, Major Petrovich.

The world's smallest
limo is housed

in the rear of the Ultravich.

The Ultravich can descend
22,000 fathoms undetected.

A word of caution,
this Mr. Peter Lawson

has accidentally fouled
six of our missions.

Bond was a pussy
cat compared to him.

Perhaps he works for
the British Intelligence?

He definitely works for CIA.

He looks CIA.

RUSSIAN SCIENTIST: Note the
way he dresses and his dog.

We suspect that it's an
ingenious cover-up disguise

their true CIA identity.

LIEUTENANT KARIN:
And who is this lady?

RUSSIAN SCIENTIST: This is an
old photo of the Professor's

sister taken in Los Angeles.

That's it.

The Professor and the
life-extension formula,

it's our number one concern.

This Peter Lawson
does not worry me.

[ship's horn]

[rattling chains]

Ooh.

[screams]

[clang, clatter]

[siren]

Ow.

(PAINFULLY) Let me see
your driver's license.

OK.

Let me see his license.

Oh, he doesn't drive, sir.

The dog license.

LAMPSHADE (VOICEOVER): I hope
he doesn't call the station,

or I'm de-pooped.

Central.

POLICE DISPATCH (ON RADIO):
This is Central, go ahead.

I have a possible DPV
suspect in custody.

POLICE DISPATCH (ON
RADIO): Roger, unit 2,

there is warrant.
Bring him in.

10-4.

All right, put out your paws.

Not you, stupid, the mutt.

You're not taking Lampshade?

15 poopy violations.

LAMPSHADE (VOICEOVER):
I knew it.

Now, come on.

Right here.

You have a right
to remain silent.

Anything you say will be used
against you in a court of law.

You have a right to an attorney.

If you can't afford one, the
court will provide one for you

by the state.

Do you understand that, mister?

LAMPSHADE (VOICEOVER): Yeah.

Do you understand this?

[sniffing] Oh.

That's 16 poopy violations.

[motorcycle revving]

[siren]

[music playing]

Mr. Simpson, I'm
sorry I'm lazy.

I need a job.

Just, uh, just sign in.

I, uh, I, I, I just
don't, I, I don't know

what I'm going to do with you.

I don't know where to, where
we're going to place you,

you know?
Eh.

You know, the Mexican
government is, is very upset.

You, you, uh, you
totally destroyed

a factory in East
LA, where, where

4,000 illegal aliens worked.

But that, that was
an accident, honest.

They aren't-- hold it!

There are no accidents.

Acc-- accidents are, are
caused by, by, by man, not by,

by animals.

Oh, um, my, my dog,
Lampshade, had an accident.

Actually, 16 to be exact.

Heh, ha heh.

Stop that!

This is not a
laughing matter, no.

You, you flooded a,
a, a fudge factory.

Yeah.

Yeah, and you, you shredded
meaningful IRS top audits.

And then you dumped a
truck full of turkeys,

ready for slaughter, off
the Harbor Drawbridge.

But they all got away safely.

Do you know what it is not
to eat turkey on Thanksgiving?

No.

I, I don't eat turkeys.

Gah, it is people like you that
have mad man turn to animals.

But you know what?

It, it, it's [laughs] it's
your lucky day. [laughs] Yeah.

You see, because I've got, I
got the perfect job for you.

A bedpan handlers job for you.

And that, that, that's
open at the, uh, at,

uh, Sweet Dreams Rest Home.

Now, before you leave, I
want to tell you something.

I don't like you.

No.

I don't ever want to see
you in my office again,

because I really, really,
really don't like you.

I really don't.

Oh, god almighty!

Give me, give me the ink.

Give me the ink.

Please, just, just take it out.

Here, go, go.

Oh, god.

I guess I could call him Inky.

Oh, jeez.

[moaning]

[comical music playing]

[BACKFIRES, RATTLING, MUSIC
PLAYING]

Yeah, listen to me, buster!

No one screws up around here.

No one even gets
fired from here.

They just disappear, understand?

Yes, sir.

I mean, ma'am.

I'll work really hard.

I just want to get
my dog out of jail.

Get cracking!

And start collecting!

Understand?

[music playing]

Wonderful!

Wonderful!

Oh, and a one and a two.

[music playing]

Whoa, look out!

Oh.

Whoa!

Ahh!

[screams]

[groans]

[shouts, barking]

Ooh.

Oh.

Oy.

[growls]

[siren]

[BACKFIRES, RATTLING, MUSIC
PLAYING]

Hey, that's my bike.

Come back here you scumbag!

Come back here with my bike.
[sobbing] That was my bike.

You come back here
with my-- ooh!

I hate you.

Ooh, my [guttural whines]

-Ah, what's that?
-Ahh!

Ahh.
-Oh.

Oh.

Jennifer, if you don't
find a rich man in there,

I'm going to send you back to
your evil, no-good relatives

in Moscow.

Granny, all I want is a
simple, funny guy who needs me

and who I can sit with by a
fire and watch a ready log burn.

A ready log?

What you need is an afternoon
on "Love Connection."

Now go in and do it.

[comical music playing]

[background conversation]

Let's go off to
Tahiti, my darling.

Oh, ho ho, ah.

Ah.

Oh.

Oh, what spunk.

Do it again.

LAMPSHADE (VOICEOVER):
Wow, if she

were a dog, we'd be in heat.

[cooing]

Ah.

LAMPSHADE (VOICEOVER):
I love the view.

But more, more.

Ah!

[screams]

[shouts]

LAMPSHADE (VOICEOVER):
What a bod.

I wish I weren't a dog.

[BACKFIRES, RATTLING, MUSIC
PLAYING]

LAMPSHADE (VOICEOVER):
Holy cow, what's that?

[moaning cow sounds]

Lampshade, he's alive.

We've got to get him to a dairy.

Oh, come on, oh.

Oh, ah, ugh, oh!

Lampshade, get help.

Lampshade.

[fake russian]

Lampshade, get help.

You [fake russian].

This is her house.

We your trouble, I am grateful.

Bye.

Thank you very much.

For both the
readings, ooh, I make

you such a deal, $227, no tax.

[thud]

Ahh.

Ahh!

No.

No, look, I did not mean it.

Never again will I
overcharge anybody.

Abracadabra, oy, oy,
you stay away from me.

You, you stay away.

I call the police.

Ooh, a cow with a face like
that, who would believe?

It's me, sister.

Me?

Who me?

Your brother.

My brother is in Russia.

I escaped.

You?

Yuri!

The same.

Ooh.

Your skin.

1,000 times I tell you,
my darling, Oil of Olay.

It's a disguise.

I escaped in a meat
locker as a cow.

Ha ha, such an imagination
you have always had.

It's true.

I was cryogenically frozen.

The suit has not thawed
from my skin yet.

Of course it
hasn't, my darling.

You come, I fix you some
borscht, then we talk sense.

Now, you're talking.

[pinging, music playing]

We should reach the port
Los Angeles at 23:00 hours.

Karin, let me show
you around Los Angeles.

I know of many hot clubs.

I was here before
the war, you know.

That is very kind of
you, but the mission

is first and very dangerous
and we could get spotted.

You're right.

Say, we picked up a girl
skin-diving near Pearl Harbor.

She's singing with the
band in the lounge.

Would you like to
go listen to her?

No, thanks.

I'm going to take
a plunge and then

mail a letter to my mother.

And how are you going
to mail a letter?

We are in the middle
of the Pacific.

I have my ways.

Golly gee, Granny,
there's a cow in our oven.

Yuri, this is your
adopted niece, Jennifer.

His left brain is still
frozen, he tells me.

Aha ha.

Smell, Jennifer, smell.

It's worth smelling.

Smell.
-Mm.

Mm.

[laughs]

Bon apetit, Jennifer.

Nice cow.

Yeah, you too, Yuri.

[MUSIC PHYZICLE, "BODY
CHEMISTRY"]

Go out of there.

[MUSIC PHYZICLE, "BODY
CHEMISTRY"]

Ahh!

[MUSIC PHYZICLE, "BODY
CHEMISTRY"]

Get out of here.

[MUSIC PHYZICLE, "BODY
CHEMISTRY"]

Blink and I miss her.

My eye!

COOK (ON TV): But you say
po-tayto, and I'll say po-tato.

[laughter]

COOK (ON TV): Let's
cook the whole thing up.

One ton tomato, I'll
eat one ton tomato.

[laughter] Mm.

COOK (ON TV): Six
bars of french fries--

[laughter]

COOK (ON TV):
--special dino sauce.

[BACKFIRES, RATTLING, MUSIC
PLAYING]

[crunching]

[screams]

[rock music on tv]

[short, silence]

Well, goodnight, Lampshade.

Someday, I'll be a
famous rock star.

LAMPSHADE (VOICEOVER):
Yeah, if you

don't burn up this place first.

[pings, music playing]

[fake russian].

Our mission to find
the Professor begins.

Our maps are old.

We must get a new one.

But where?

In Redondo Beach?

Perhaps in Beverly Hills they
might have just what we need.

Drive on.

[music playing]

PETROVICH: Perhaps in
there, Lieutenant Karin.

Very good, Petrovich.

It will save time if you
park and I get the map.

Ahh!

Lieutenant Karin, I
don't think either of us

is going to find a
map in this den of

capitalistic American piggery.

I will wait outside.

Having trouble with your
timepiece, Petrovich?

Mar Vista, Inglewood,
Santa Monica, Venice.

Venice?

These Americans,
they'll stop at nothing.

Now they're buying
cities from the Italians.

It is huge, Petrovich.

More people than in a
Russian toilet paper line.

Petrov.

It's him, Peter Lawson.

Ooh what?

No.

What on Earth?

[romantic music playing]

PETER LAWSON (VOICEOVER): I
wonder if she's smiling at me?

Nah, couldn't be.

[music playing]

LIEUTENANT KARIN: We can't tell
Moscow that this Peter found

the Professor before we did.

Oh, we will look like idiots.

In 10 seconds,
we will penetrate

the American motor
vehicle system giving

us complete identification.

Go.

This can't be.

These Americans.

Their idiot television
stations, they have

short-circuited our equipment.

[laughter]

Vodka California style.

--[laughs] Hey,
screw the Kremlin.

[laughter]

PETER LAWSON (VOICEOVER):
There she is again.

I wonder if she even
knows I'm alive.

I wish I could bump into her.

Ahh!

[scream]

[crash, thud]

[scream]

[scream]

Oh.

Oof.

Bonkers!

Are you OK?

I, I think so.

I feel so bad.

It was all my fault.

It's OK.

It's OK.

Are you sure, Peter?

You, you know my name.

I found it on the
patients' bathroom wall.

It was part of a poem.

Oh yeah?

Uh huh.

Huh.

Well, that's OK.

[whistle blowing]

I'm sorry for getting us into
trouble with the head matron.

I don't know what I would have
done if I lost you your job.

Well, it wasn't your fault.

[yips]

There's Lampshade.

I think we've met.

Well, see you tomorrow.

See you tomorrow

Goodnight.

Goodnight.

[backfires, rattling]

Bye.

Bye.

We're going to get it.

Where are we going?

To the hotel.

Then why are you taking
me in the pool entrance?

Shh, we're on a secret mission.

The Kremlin would never
approve of such a place.

Petrovich, this is
the only one room

available in all Beverly Hills.

Did you mean one room?

Yes.

Then we'll take it.

[music playing]

I love Beverly Hills.

Everyone is a millionaire.

[music playing]

Eahh!

[music playing]

[crunch]

Ahh!

Oh, it's such a
beautiful day, Peter.

Just look at the trees,
the birds, the air,

the flowers, the asphalt.

It's wonderful.

You know what, Peter?

Let's get our lunches
and have a picnic.

[muffled shouts]

Then after, I can read
you one of my poems.

Ahh!

Ooh.

[shouts]

OK.

Thou, my name is Jennifer.

Whenever you are near, I
hear the name, sweet Juliet,

ringing gently in my ear.

That was so beautiful.

JENNIFER GREENBERG: I
just knew you'd like it.

-Pew.
-Uh gah.

JENNIFER GREENBERG: Know
something else, Peter?

[retching]

I have a surprise.

LAMPSHADE (VOICEOVER): If
she means any more poems,

I'm going to poop
right here and now.

That will be a real surprise.

I won them in a radio contest.

I had to guess how many stars
were on the American flag.

Wow.

--[laughs] I want you
to come, too, Peter.

How y'all doing?

Good.

[background voices]

How was your steak?

DINER: Oh, it was really good.

Now my name is Pierre.

I'm the maitre d' here.

Now, the specialities of the
day du chef or the store,

we got escargots
on the half-shell,

we got fresh leek
and leaky soup.

And we have fresh I-do-fish.

Now, for the entrees, we
have some baked cockroach,

cocka-roast.

We have some some grilled
lamb-a-lops-- they Cajun-style.

Then we has Amazonian whitefish.

It's actually black, though.

And we have some
goat au naturel.

That's prepared at your tables.

You can open your menu, honey.

Uh, do you have a cheeseburger?

Cheeseburger?

If you wanted a
cheeseburger, you

should have went to McDonald's.

[crash]

Hey.

Peter.

I'm so glad I found you.

Me, too.

I've always dreamed
of being with somebody

just like you, Peter.

Can I tell you something, Peter?

Ahh!

[crash]

I've had one other
boyfriend before you,

but it lasted only a week.

And he was big and
burly and a biker.

And he tried to attack
me on a pool table.

Ahh!

Oh.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Oh.

Tell me about yourself, Peter.

You seem like the
quiet and shy type.

Heh, see, you are shy.

Ahem, I'm not.

I'm just trying to clear my
throat-- I mean my voice.

Are you dating anybody else?

No.

Not since that lady lion tamer
I met through computer dating.

[MUSIC LINDA LAWLEY, "LET THE
LOVE BEGIN"]

[laughter]

Hey, Ben?

Hm?

Over in that, uh,
that cafe over there,

isn't that your old lady?

Looks like they're having a
pretty good time over there.

Aren't you going to
do something about it?

No, I'm going to sit here
and let them have fun.

Well, let's get them.

Cool that, I'll
handle this myself.

[BACKFIRES, RATTLING, MUSIC
PLAYING]

[crunch]

Eeh!

[music on tv]

Oh, would you like
some more milk?

No, thank you.

[knocking]

Who is it?

BIKER BEN: You got
my Jennifer in there!

[banging on door]

Ah, it's Ben.

There's nobody here.

BIKER BEN: OK!

There ain't nobody here either!

[scream]

[scream]

Errh!

Gyah!

No!

No!

No!

Ah-hah!

[whimpering] Oh.

Oh, no, senior.

Por favor?

Gyah.

[music playing]

JENNIFER GREENBERG: Ben, no!

Stop.

Ben, no!

[scream]

Rarrh.

[scream]

[scream]

[grunts]

Oh, so, Zelda, how's by you?

You have to ask?

I haven't seen you in weeks.

Well, come on in and visit.

Must be that earthquake
they was talking about.

And never come back!

Never, never, never,
never, never, ever!

Not even once?

Never!

You want him that bad?

He's yours!

But if you get hitched to
that geek, I want an invite.

Or I'll be back.

[whimper]

Oh, Peter, you're bleeding.

Tip your head back
and close your eyes.

Close your eyes.

Where can I find a place
to hide this formula?

Oh, Peter, I'm so excited.

You're finally going
to get to meet Granny.

Granny?

Mm, smells like lunch.

Holy smoke.

[coughing] Uncle!

[coughing]

Uncle!

[coughing]

What happened?

Ah.

Oh.

[coughing]

Is it, is it hot in
here or is it just me?

LAMPSHADE (VOICEOVER):
Hey, what have we got here?

It looks like a
hard piece of candy.

PROFESSOR: What in
the world is this?

LAMPSHADE (VOICEOVER):
Pretty chewy, though.

[coughing]

Ahh!

Ohh!

Honey!

I just saw Al Jolson.

[coughing]

Peter, we've got
to go after him.

[coughing]

Let's go!

We have only one choice.

And that is?

We must search the entire
city to find the exact location

where this picture was taken.

Impossible.

Do you have any idea
how huge this city is?

We will die of old age
long before the Commander

can have us shot.

Then we shall die as
the valiant KGB agents

that we are, Lieutenant Karin,
sworn to stamp out life,

liberty, and the
pursuit of happiness

wherever it raises
its ugly head.

JENNIFER GREENBERG: Granny is
going to be so upset with me

for letting him out
of the house, Peter.

PETER LAWSON: Jennifer,
I just saw your uncle.

JENNIFER GREENBERG: Where?

There.

Peter, you're right.

I know you.

But Granny, he didnt'
mean to break anything.

I just wanted him to meet you.

And now that I have
met him, he can get out.

But Granny, Peter's
my boyfriend.

All the more reason
for him to get out.

You are going to marry
a rich, old goat,

and that's all there is to it.

And as for you,
you, you, you dummy

mummy, out, out, out, out, out.

PETER LAWSON: But I
can be an old goat.

GRANNY GREENBERG: Out!

Search entire
city, he tells me.

First, I get thrown against a
wall by a mammoth head nurse.

Then I get throw through
a wall by a jealous biker.

Oh, what's the use.

Petrovich, look.

There is the car.

Turn out the lights.

You'll give us away.

Tonight, I get thrown in the
street by a fortune teller,

just because I love Jennifer.

What's next?

Pull over to that building.

You have done very
well, Lieutenant Karin.

We better get the guns.

Spasiba.

[crash]

Ahh!

[roaring shout]

[roars, screeches]

Lampshade, it's an earthquake.

I'll protect you.

[gunshots]

[scream]

That's the Blobs.

They must have eaten a big meal.

Now is not the best
time, Petrovich.

Then when?

Leave it to me.

If I can become his
friend, his bodyguards

will be no trouble at all.

And how do you
propose to do that?

I have my ways, Petrovich.

Maybe I should go back
and kidnap Jennifer.

We could run to
Brazil and be happy.

SALESLADY: It's nice, very nice.

So when's the big day?

Soon.

When you get the dress done.

It shouldn't take no more
than a couple of days.

Oy, a couple of days.

You fool, what are you doing?

This is a very elegant
boutique, custom-made dresses.

Perhaps you should go to Kmart.

Oh, I can tell that your
future is not too fantastic.

At least I have
a future, darlink.

Oh, bitch.

Hmph.

No, this is not my
grandpapa either.

Mr. Comber's our last patient.

I, I think we've seen everybody.

For years, I have
searched for him.

[sob]

And my search ended here.

Now even this, it's a dead end.

[sobbing]

Ohh.

But you've been so kind to me,
to show me all of the patients.

It would mean so much to me if
we could talk for just a little

longer.

Ohh.

Not here.

Someplace where I can talk
of my sadness in private.

Perhaps, your home?

I don't have a home.

I have an apartment.

It's not much.

You are the movie--
how do you call-- buff?

No.

[clatter]

I just like movies.

Oh, what a beautiful doggie.

Yeah, that's my dog, Lampshade.

Lampshade.

How are you, Lampshade.

[whimpers]

She's very beautiful.

Your girlfriend?

She was.

It sounds like we both
have troubled stories.

No?

No.

I have a suggestion.

I will order us a
little something.

We could drown our sorrows.

LAMPSHADE (VOICEOVER):
What a fox.

If you don't score,
I'll forget I'm a dog.

And because my grandpapa
and I were very close,

I had always hoped that
someday I would find him.

When I lost Lampshade, I got
him back from the dog pound.

Has anyone ever told you
how attractive you are?

Well, my mother did, once.

Oh.

I'm sorry, I could
not help myself.

Peter, perhaps you have seen my
grandpapa and not even know it.

He's a big man, with a big
bushy mustache and wild eyes.

And sometimes he dresses
like a, like a cow.

The Professor.

There, you have seen him.

Where?

I can't tell.

But why?

I promised him.

He said he was a famous Russian?

Russian.
Russian.

Yeah, bingo.

Yeah, a famous Russian
scientist, and that he invented

the formula-- was typical uhh.

Oh, Peter, these are the
words of a sick grandfather.

Now, you must tell me.

Tell me.

Ahh.

The idiot, he passed
out on me before I can

get any information out of him.

But I got this.

He was involved with her.

Perhaps she can
tell us something.

COMMANDER (ON RADIO): Lieutenant
Karin, Agent Petrovich?

Here.

COMMANDER (ON RADIO):
It's about time.

I have been trying to contact
you for quite a while.

We've been very
involved, Commander.

COMMANDER (ON RADIO): I'm sure
you have Lieutenant Karin.

I assume you've located
the Professor by now.

No, Commander.

Yes, Commander.

But we have located someone
who can possibly give

us that information, Commander.

COMMANDER (ON RADIO): Possibly?

We will not fail on
our mission, Commander.

COMMANDER (ON RADIO): Good.

You have less than 72 hours
before I must tell my superiors

of the success of your mission.

I shouldn't have to remind
you of the consequences

if you should not complete
your assignment in that time.

Yes, Commander.

No, Commander.

Yeah?

I don't mind him.

Has anybody here seen Peter?

Oh, what?

Have you seen Peter?

Eh, you might
ask that blonde he

walked out here with yesterday.

Blonde?

[cackling]

Legs like a movie star.

Legs like a palomino race horse.

Ah, yes, breasts
like Matterhorns.

He's probably on his
way to Tahiti by now.

[scream]

Jumping jelly beans,
what did she do to him?

Oh, Peter, I never should
have left you alone.

Ah.

Anna?

Anna?

Huh?

Jennifer, where did she go?

I don't know where she went.

And I'm never, never, never,
never, never, never, never,

never going to see you again.

LAMPSHADE (VOICEOVER):
Yeah, but do women

who say never always mean it?

Jennifer, I can explain.

Best Social Security
check I ever spent.

Has anybody seen-- did
anybody see Jennifer?

Heh heh.

Well, you might ask
that blonde you walked

out of here with yesterday.

Ah, yes, lips like a movie star.

[laughter]

And do you, Jennifer
Greenberg, take

this man to be your
wedded husband,

for richer or for poorer?

For richer.

MINISTER: In sickness
and in health,

for better or for worse, so
long as you both shall live?

I, I, I-- look, I.

She does.

Get, get on with it.

[gasps]

And do you?

Ahh.

My Lord, I think he's gone.

Gone?

What's, what's happened?

What have you done now?

You?

Yoo-hoo?

Wake up.

You're not getting
out of it this easy.

Oy vey!

I might have known it.

$25 million big ones right down
the old chute, thanks to you,

you clutzy person.

You touched something.

What did you do?

[sobbing] That's mine. [sobbing]

I'll alert the nurses' station.

Granny, I'm sorry.

[sobbing]

Now, she'll never forgive me.

I keep letting her down.

Better her than you.

If you marry this one instead
of the one you really want.

I'll handle Granny.

Oh, thanks uncle.

I saved your life, friend.

With her body, you
would never have

lasted through the honeymoon.

Well, I guess, Lampshade,
it's just you and I now.

There you are, Peter.

Jennifer.

I've been looking
everywhere for you.

I thought you'd be
in Tahiti by now.

Mr. Elliot didn't make
it through the wedding.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Please don't be mad at me.

I was only marrying him
for Granny's gallstones.

What about you and Anna?

I was just trying to help
her find her lost grandfather.

How could I have ever thought
you would do anything wrong?

Jennifer, would you?

Hot plate.

Thanks, Amy.

Would you?

Yes, Peter?

Would you mar, mm, mar, mar?

Yes?

Mar, mar, mar, mar, mm.

Would you marry me?

Yes!

Oh, yes!

Let's go tell Granny.

[shouts, shrieks]

Oh, look at those nice stalls.

Can you stop?

PETROVICH: Are you serious?

We are on a mission.

The last woman that hit me
is making icicles in Siberia.

LIEUTENANT KARIN:
Petrovich, look.

PETROVICH: Yeah.

Until we receive
our orders, we will

march to our favorite
Stalin [inaudible].

Left face, forward march.

Right, left, right, left,
right, left, halt. About face.

Forward march,
right, left, right,

left, right, left, right, left.

Halt, about face.

Forward march,
right, left, right,

left, right, left, right, left.

Halt, about face.

Forward march.

Right, left, right,
left, right, left, halt.

The formula must have fallen
on the floor somewhere.

Where is it?

I never give readings
during Yom Kippur.

In your case, a special.

Let us all join hands.

Listen, ain't it kind
of bright in here.

Oh, yeah, the lights.

Ooh, I'm getting something.

Don't you feel the
vibrations now.

Ahh, ah.

He's here.

Ah, ah, I felt him.

GRANNY GREENBERG:
Of course you did.

Norman?

Is, is is that really you?

Norman?

It is I.

Norman, you are here.

Cousin Anna-Silvia and Cousin
Myrtle are here with me, too.

Norman, are you happy-- I
mean, on the other side?

Tickled.

I bring messages from
Shirley MacLaine.

CUSTOMER: Ah, I am so glad.

Let's go to Death
Valley for out honeymoon.

Great idea.

Ahh.

Out with him.

Ahh.

Oh!

You phony fraud.

Oh, I'm calling the
Better Business Bureau.

And they'll lock you
up and your phony,

crystal, stinking bowling ball.

Let's go, girls.

[barking, whimpering]

He's not getting out, Granny.

Pete and I love each other.

Him?

Look at him.

My old laundry goes up looking
better than he does coming in.

Can he give you the
things that I want?

No.

Now you go.

Go now.

I've got to find another
rich man for her to marry.

Money isn't everything, Granny.

No?

Tell that to my bookie.

[music box playing]

If you marry him, you will
have nothing, nothing, nyet.

You will eat Corn Flakes three
times a day, nothing kosher.

[music box playing]

What?

What is this?

[music box playing]

You?

When the communists destroyed
your home in the Ukraine,

I found this in the rubble.

[music box playing]

For three years, my Alexei
saved to buy me this music box.

We had nothing.

But you had love.

Jennifer, Peter, I
give you my blessing.

I

Now get out there
and enjoy yourselves.

I promise, Miss Granny, I'll
take really good care of her.

Let's celebrate.

Dino burgers for everyone on me.

Come on.

No, no, no, Yuri, I, I stay.

I, I have work to do.

Lieutenant Karin, look.

I am looking.

Not there, over there.

[backfires, rattling]

Don't let them suspect you.

Don't worry.

Tailing was my
specialty in KGB school.

Oh, look, Peter, there's
a funny little car

driven by a funny little man.

Where?

In the rear-view mirror.

He's spotted us.

Idiot.

But how?

[coughing]

We've got to hide.

It's the KGB.

Where are we going?

I think I know the
perfect hiding place.

Good.

LAMPSHADE (VOICEOVER): Wow,
those are damn big dogs.

Peter, what is this place?

Well, it used to be
an old storage place,

but I thought that it
would be a good place

to hide here in the dinosaur.

LAMPSHADE (VOICEOVER): Ahh,
pttt, oh, that tasted terrible.

Aha.

The microfilm,
office the formula,

that's what they're after.

It can double the strength of
a man, can freeze his body,

send him back in time.

Fool.

We've lost them.

They will try to get
to me through you.

They will stop at nothing
to get the formula

for the life extension back.

Wow.

Yes, I have no choice.

I must give myself up.

All is not lost.

She is his niece.

When the time is right,
we will take her hostage

and force the Professor
to give himself up.

I tell you what, you keep this.

Because then, America
will have the formula,

and they will have
an equal advantage,

in case they make me talk.

Then you and Jennifer can
have a future together.

Attention.

Attention, our orders are to
kidnap Jennifer at her wedding.

I now pronounce
you man and wife.

[clapping, shouts]

Come on.
Come on.

Come on.

[growling shouts]

Ah.

Oh, Jennifer, congratulations.

You look so beautiful.

Your dress is
lovely and so white.

Are you a virgin?

Yes.

So am I.

Oh.

[music playing]

Shh.

Keep quiet, I said.

Now.

Why don't you shut up, darling,
and mind your own business?

Granny.

Come, darling.

Granny, nothing, darling.

Drink up, you're going
to need it, you know.

[SHOUTS, SOUNDS OF CONFUSION AND
STRUGGLE]

[screaming]

[sounds of blows]

[SOUNDS OF CONFUSION AND
STRUGGLE]

Get the girl. [whistle]

You, you're not
getting my Jennifer.

You can't do it alone.

You need our help.

You've all been so great to us.

You never once complained
with all the accidents

we had, even when Lampshade
would eat your desserts

or when we played loud
music on the night shift.

Now I have a responsibility now.

And that's Jennifer.

And I'm on a mission.

I'm on a mission?

Heh heh ha.

You're on mission?

The only mission you're
on is getting back to bed.

Ben, please get out of my way.

I don't want to hurt you.

Ahaha ha ha ha, you
don't want to hurt me?

Suck on this.

Ben, Jennifer's in danger.

Let me pass.

No, you're the one
who is in danger!

Looks like I'm going to have to
throw you through another wall.

Ben, I'm getting mad.

Get out of my way.

Well, here we go again.

Gyah.

How come he doesn't
go through the wall?

Ben, I'm really,
really getting mad.

Well, frankly, Peter,
I don't give a damn.

For the last time,
Ben, get out of my way.

Well, here we go again.

Ow!

Ahhh!

Ahh!

Yeagh!

Oh, oh god.

Don't move, buster, or
I'll hit you so hard,

I'll knock your buttons loose.

Now the two of you make up.

I could have beaten you if
it wasn't for these walls.

Listen here, sonny, we're
old, but we're tough.

We love you and Jennifer.

And we're going.

Have you got it?

For the first time, tell us
where is the Professor hiding?

I'll never tell you,
never, never, never, never,

never, never, never, never.

You will.

We're going to give you
the ultimate torture.

Take her to video arcade games.

You have video
games in this limo?

And, and I won't
be able to play?

No.
No.

No.

No!

Oh.

[music playing]

Let's get them!

We're with you!

Yeah, let's go!

Go!

[MUSIC STAN BUSH, "SHE'S A
LITTLE DANGEROUS"]

ANNOUNCER (ON TV): And
the Russians are leading

by a whomping a 15 lanes.

The Russians have always
had a superior showing.

The Americans have remained
the second runner-up.

Wait, I can't believe my eyes.

The Americans are gaining now
by half a league, now a league.

And here come the
Russians again.

I can't believe it, what a race.

The Americans are gaining now.

You should be firing at them
instead of watching TV games.

But it's Friday.

Nobody works on Friday at home.

If you don't go on top
of the limo immediately,

you will be left
here in Los Angeles.

Yeah!

Pass the popcorn.

[celbratory shouts]

Where is Petrovich?

He will make you obey.

You don't want to know.

He's in the master suite
with Putskin, our mechanic.

We should blast a
bunch of them off.

And win with a landslide.

[MUSIC STAN BUSH, "SHE'S A
LITTLE DANGEROUS"]

[moaning]

You should be ashamed
of yourself, Petrovich.

Report to the bridge
in 45 minutes.

You'll be called [inaudible]
and turned over to Americans.

Hm, Putskin, 45
minutes, I know a place

we can hide for
one last quickie.

[MUSIC STAN BUSH, "SHE'S A
LITTLE DANGEROUS"]

COMPUTER (ON
INTERCOM): Evacuate.

Evacuate.

Malfunction in steering
and throttle controls.

Approaching cliff.

[video game sounds]

Peter?

Thank god, I found
you, and you're OK.

Peter, it's you.

I thought I'd never
see you again.

We got to get off somehow.

I know, but can't it wait
till we get into our own bed?

No.
I mean, yes.

I mean we've got to
get off this limo.

It's going over the edge.
-OK, OK.

But do you have a quarter?

I just want to play
one video game.

It's going over the edge.

Every since we've been married,
we never have any fun anymore.

We were only married a minute
before you got kidnapped.

I'm sorry.

But you know how women change
the minute they get married.

And I've been tied up
in this video arcade.

And I cannot even play.

I just want to scream.

I think I'm going
to scream. [scream]

Cool yourself, Jennifer.

Let's go.

I know where they
hide the baby limo.

It's no use.

The accelerator
boosters are locked.

We've lost our steering.

We're going over the
edge of the cliff.

Think fast.

I'm calling this
mission aborted.

Call me a taxi.

We did, but it crashed.

LIEUTENANT KARIN: Then
call me a helicopter.

I don't know if I can
get it out of here.

Why don't you try
the big, red button?

Oh yeah.

[thunk]

What's going on?

Where do you think you're going?

PETER LAWSON: It's
going over the edge.

Come.
Go.

Move it.

Let's go, men.

Move it.

[alarm]

Move it out.

Move it out.

Hold the button.

[shouts]

PATIENT: Hey, what a group.

What are they doing there?

PATIENT: There, there.
PATIENT: Ah.

PATIENT: Yeah.

PATIENT: What they
doing over there?

PATIENT: They all
landed, I guess.

No broken bones or anything.

They're all walking over here.

Hey.

Welcome to LA.

Welcome to LA.

[shouts]

Don't look.

It's Mr. Blob.

All right, buddy.

Keep the change.

My balloons!

Get back here.

Oh, it's you.

Get back here with my balloons.

[music playing]

Idiot.

Get us down, now.

Not that way, you ninny.

You'll kill us all.

Here, take this.

Cut six or seven.

That way the car
can settle gently.

Quickly.

Crash position!

Oh, Petrovich, I love
it when you play rough.

Peter!

[scream]

Oh, idiots.

I can't believe this.

Ahh!

[scream]

PETROVICH: Putskin, we've
landed in Beverly Hills.

I can't believe it.

[giggles]

You really must stick with the
care of the car, Petrovich.

Where are you going,
Lieutenant Karin?

Inside.

There?

Inside that den of
American piggery?

The Ultravich is gone.

We had failed our mission.

And I could think of
hundreds of other things

to do here than in Siberia.

Mm, care to join us for dinner?

Never.

Very well.

Do svidaniya, my friend.

Lieutenant Karin.

Anya.

Anya.

Do you think they might
have beef Stroganoff?

I have my ways.

It could be arranged.

Putskin, how would you like
to live in Beverly Hills?

[music playing]

Hey, look up there.

[shouts]

[MUSIC STAN BUSH, "SHE'S A
LITTLE DANGEROUS"]

[MUSIC LINDA LAWLEY, "LET LOVE
BEGIN"]

[shouts]

PETER LAWSON (VOICEOVER):
Jennifer and I

are very happy now.

We disagree six or
seven times a day.

But we get along great.

We live in Dog's Beach, Alabama.

Lampshade found a girlfriend
and moved to California.

We plan to have 2.6 kids.

Hey, we just want to be the
average American couple,

together, nerds of a feather.

It's Yuri.

Do svidaniya, Yuri.

Don't worry about
your sister, darling.

I'm very rich now.

I married my bookie.

Goodbye, Yuri.

LAMPSHADE (VOICEOVER):
Wait, take me with you.

[MUSIC LINDA LAWLEY, "LET LOVE
BEGIN"]

[music playing]