National Theatre Live: Julie (2018) - full transcript

That woman is wild tonight.
Wild!

- You don't need to help
- I might as well. If I'm here

Nothing?

He's her father. He should be here.
He should have been here hours ago

It's not his fault

At least for the toast. Then he could
have left. She wouldn't have minded

Can't she have more fun
without her father being here?

- She certainly seems to be
- I don't think that's true

She was dancing with that bartender again

Dragging him around the room as he was
trying to leave. It's embarrassing

- Have you paid him?
- Yes



Then she danced like a...
I've never seen anything like it

- How many people are left?
- Ten. Maybe fifteen

She's always been... Technicolour... But...

But?

I think the breakup's hit
her harder then she lets on

- She doesn't exactly seem heartbroken
- She's ashamed

- I don't believe that
- You wouldn't

- What do you mean?
- You know exactly what I mean

- No I don't
- You're a man

You're saying women feel more shame
then men? That's a bold statement

- Yes
- Why

The world has been built that way

I saw what happened. When they broke up

Fine. If you don't want to know



Tell me

He broke it off. Not nicely.
Then she begged him to take her bad!

Really? Poor girl

- Where were they?
- The garden

And you don't think she's ashamed?

If she were ashamed she
wouldn't have begged

Shame stops you doing things like that.
That's the point of it

It's a bk uneven. I'll sort it out later

- Is that so?
- That is so

So...
What did you save for me?

Thank you

It's cold

You're getting comfortable, aren't you?

- I didn't mean it like that
- I was joking

I love you... amorzinho

No, no, no!

- He won't notice
- He will notice

Even if he does. He'll think it
was one of them. He won't. ok?

I'm driving. I can only have one drink

And if I can only have one drink
I want it to be a good one

Do you know how much that costs?
He will notice

It's beautiful. Wrong temperature though

You're crazy

What's that?

- Want some?
- What is it?

- She's trying to give Diana an abortion
- With that?

It's some homeopathic... I don't know.
It's expensive, though. For coloured water

Those people are taking her for a ride.
I wonder how much they sell it for

Would you buy this from me?
Even if I looked very very serious?

I'll buy air from you

Poor dog. She can't just
take it to the vet?

Not if Western medicine is
the root of all evil. And

if it's too evil for Julie
it's too evil for Diana

She loves her animals like babies.
That insane bird

She doesn't take any medicine at all?
Even if she's sick?

No, not anymore

Although she takes a Xanax or two.
I've seen them hidden in that makeup bag

She thinks she's being discreet.
But she forgets

- What?
- I clean up after her. I know everything

- Everything?
- Everything

Do you have to do that right now?

Yes, yes. She wants it done now

Should I check?

- That sounded like furniture
- So?

The way she was dancing
I wouldn't be surprised if something got...

- What?
- Broken

- I like to dance. Dance with me
- I know. I remember

- When I'm finished
- I'd love to

I'm coming back. Stay there

- Have you done it? How is she?
- Not yet

- Has she done what?
- Stop it

No peeping. Go away

Are you afraid I'll learn your magic
spells? What are you trying to conjure?

Another lover

Actually, can you give it
to her in the morning?

- Sure
- Thank you thank you thank you

I can't bear to see it... you know, happen.
I don't think. Sorry

I'd be lost without you.
Do you know that? So lost

You are a star

- Isn't she a star, Jean?
- She is

Let me guess. Couriered from the office

- When?
- About an hour ago

So delicious

Smells like... Daddy's guilt

- Tell you what, you have them
- No

They'll look so nice in your room

- Jean, can you come and dance
- I think I should stay down here

Lend me him, won't you darling?
It's like the wild west up there

It's not up to me

- Come on then
- I don't think I should

Why? If I'm going bad! In I
want you to come with me

Perhaps that's vanity. In fact I'm
sure it is. I want to look...

- I need to look...
- What?

Wanted

Don't look so serious. You believed me.
You know, I was just teasing

Come on. Come and dance

It's my birthday, it's the solstice.
Let's get pagan

Don't worry. I won't steal him

She's out of control

She's fine. Its just late

- People are laughing at her
- Laughing?

They're not her friends, you know.
Those people

that are still up there
are not her friends

What would you know?

I see people coming and
going, I have a rough idea

Are you angry with me?

What a manning man you are,
abandoning your partner like that

This is my partner

Why are you still wearing your suit!
You look like you're going to court

- Take that jacket off at least
- Why?

It's my birthday. There's a theme. That
suit is spoiling the salubrious atmosphere

I said take it off

- Where's he going?
- To hang Mn the car

- How are you?
- I'm fine

- Are you really?
- Yes

Good. Good.
You seem it. You seem so well

- Are you having fun?
- God, it's hell

No, Kristina, don't, honestly, please.
I'll do it before bed

- You look happy
- Do I?

There's a sort of low level eye twinkle.
You're shinier somehow

So's he. I think he was miserable
before he met you, you know

At least now he smiles.
Once or twice a month

Brilliant! You're actually doing it
I'm so proud of you

Looks hard. All that maths

- Is it hard?
- For now it's ok

- Do you like the teacher person?
- He's nice. I think

- Is he hot?
- No. Old

- Old can be hot. Old can be golden
- Not this guy. I don't think

- Have you got a picture?
- That would be weird

Not these days.
Everyone has a picture of everyone

Just type in a name and you can
get a picture. Let's look him up

No! You're an animal

Fine. Spoilsport

- I admire you, you know
- Me? Why?

You just get on with things.
You're good at it

- I quit
- You said that last time

- This time I really have
- Well done

See? You're so good

- Have you set a date?
- No. Not yet

You should use our country place.
There's a chapel there

I could help you arrange it all.
I would love that

So would Papa

In fact, he'd love it so much
he might even turn up

I think we want something small

I'm sorry I was so rude to Jean just then

I don't know what's wrong
with me at the moment

it's as though when my mouth opens someone
else has the keys to what I'm saying

Like I'm a sort of puppet of the worst
version of myself. Does that make sense?

- It's as though my mouth opens and I...
- It's ok

Do you even like me?

- Très gentil, monsieur Jean. Très gentil
- Vous voulez plaisanter, madame

Et vous voulez parler français.
Where did you learn that?

My mother's from Côte d'Ivoire.
Where did you?

She sounds excited

- Her son started school today
- That's wonderful. In Salvador?

- Such a beautiful place. Have you been?
- No. Not yet

You look better without that jacket

- You flatter me
- Flatter you?

You ether exaggerate or you have an agenda.
Ether way, it's flattery

You can be so formal

It's all those long drives
with Daddy droning on in the bad! Seal

I bet you pick up a phrase or two in
your line of work. A phrase or three

How long have you been working here now?

- You know how long I've been working here
- Do I?

- Yes
- Not exactly

- You'd just left university
- Which one?

- Five years ago
- You're right. It was that long

- We've known each other a long time
- In a way

What do you mean 'in a way?

In that we don't really
know each other at all

Although I do remember you then.
I have a particular memory

Of what?

- Of what?
- I'll tell you another time

There might not be another time

She is so good

Is she? Good?

- Why don't you sh down
- Am I allowed to?

Don't be ridiculous

Wait.
Get me something else to drink first

- What do you want?
- Whatever's left

Aren't you having one?
Jean, I don't want to drink on my own

- I'm driving
- It's one drink

Go on. She won't mind

Let's toast

- To what?
- To me

Do you think that's narcissistic?

It is my birthday after all.
The day of my birth

Someone should toast me

And given the circumstances.
It might as well be me

Don't make me beg

- To Julie
- Thank you

- They're not your friends. You know
- What do you mean?

You didn't notice how some of them
were looking at you? What they were saying?

What were they saying?

- Tell me
- I don't want to hurt you

If you didn't want to hurt me then
why bring it up? I said tell me

- You need to be more aware. When
you're in a room - What do you mean?

- You don't want people
taking advantage

- What if I don't care if people...
take advantage

- This doesn't look good
- What doesn't?

- Us. Here drinking alone together
- Don't be so Victorian. Relax. It's fine

Jean, you look worried

Are you worried?
Your face...

Are you waking to be summoned?
My god, you are aren't you?

Jesus. Can't he just get a taxi for once?

Everything gets so boring,
this whole bed! And call thing

- This looks...
- What? What does it look like?

Inappropriate

Why'?
Have you made yourself believe something?

- It's not that simple for me
- What do you mean?

Yes. Or perhaps
I think more highly of people than you do

- I imagine you do
- I said perhaps

- Why are you smiling?
- Do you really want to know why?

- I asked, didn't I?
- Because you're naive

I know.
Do you think I don't know that?

But that's actually not the right word.
For what I really am

What is?

Strange

I feel strange

- You're strange then
- So are you

So is everything, I mean

What is this, what's going on?
It's so strange, all of it

- The more you think about it,
the stranger it gets - What?

- Everything
- What do you mean?

I keep having this recurring dream

That I'm inside something. Something
warm and dark. And I can't really move

But that's alright because it feels...
good. In this warm dark

There's something freeing in it

The let go

I can't even tell where
I end or begin because

whatever is pressing
against me also is me

It's like I'm everything and nothing

Atomised. This warm dark

And then I hear this sound. It starts off
quietly. It's like a little scratching

But then it gets louder and louder

And it's like metal on china.
Like forks on plates

Like hundreds of people's cutlery
scraping and banging on empty plates

And then this light comes

Whatever was keeping me still
isn't there anymore

My arms flail, slick with something.
Except they're not arms, they're wings

And every time I try to scream I all I
can hear is this rasping screech thing

And just once, when I woke from this dream
there was a feather in my mouth

It must have been from my pillow

Have you ever dreamt anything like that?

- No. I dream that I'm still moving
- What do you mean?

- That I'm going from one place to another
- I know what moving means

- What was the dream about?
- I'm trying to explain

Sorry, go on

I dream that I'm constantly moving. That
I'm trying to get my grip, trying to grab

And every time I do, there's nothing.
I can feel

it, I can smell it, but
I can't hold on to it,

- Grab what? Hold what?
- I don't know

Why are we talking about dreams?

We're awake, let's be awake

Let's go up on the roof
and watch the sun come up

What are you doing?

- I don't know what you mean
- Don't play the child at thirty-two

I'm thirty actually

Fine. Thirty-three

Like Jesus

- Stop. I mean it
- I'm almost afraid

- Hey, how is he?
- Ok, I think

None of his friends are in his class

But he'll gel used to it, make new ones.
Anyway, let me...

- No, I've goth
- Sure?

I've trained him well

Well, is there anything else?

- Sure?
- No, thank you. You've been brilliant

- I'm sorry it's gone on so late
- As long as you've had fun

Well, Where's nothing else I'm going to bed

Don't stay up too late

- Let me know when everyone's gone
- Sure

- She's right. It's late
- Or early

- Late
- Technically. It's early

- I should eject the final guests
- Why would you do that?

Because I don't want to leave you
with those people still here

- My 'fiends'
- Go to bed

- You're not my nanny
- Then don't act like you need one

Do you want your father to see
you like this when he gets back?

Who's to say he's coming back at all?
He was meant to be here hours ago

Who's to say his merger
hasn't turned into a little

celebration in his pied-à-terre
behind the office?

You think I don't know about that place?

My point is, who's to say we haven't
actually got all the time in the world?

See? You can't use that excuse.
Not yet. Anyway

- He's not a bad man
- Excuse me?

- I said he's not a bad man - That depends
doesn't it? On your definition of bad

I'm starting to suspect that
yours is a little... loose

Sorry. I'm showing off now aren't I?
I'm being garrulous

- He's working. He works hard - I sort
of prefer the alternative. To be honest

At least then he's having some fun

If he's not going to show up...

...he might as well be tearing some girl
apart on those Egyptian cotton sheets

I saw the receipt. They're
four hundred count

People are leaving now, anyway.
There's another party

- Now?
- East. Well, the dregs of one

Sea?

- I should make sure the house is secure
- That the house is secure?

- The house is fine - It's my job
to make sure the house is secure

Your job is to drive my father.
Why are you here tonight anyway?

Oh that's right, I forgot.
You're stinking the maid

Joking. I was joking

She's not technically the maid

I'm here because your father told me
to make sure this didn't get out of control

- I'm here because I'm working
- You could have waled in the car

- You're right. I should have done
- Jean, I'm sorry, I didn't mean that

Have you never felt like this?

- Like what?
- This

- What?
- Alone

- I don't understand
- No, I didn't think so

- Why are you asking me that?
- Because you seem happy

- Do I?
- Sort of

What's that got to do with anything?

Tell me that I'll feel better

- Tell me that I'll feel better
- You'll feel better

You don't know that, though.
No one can actually know that

I've fell lonely from it before

- What?
- People. Love

- You?
- Why are you so surprised?

You don't exactly seem like someone
who gives much away

- Because you don't know me
- I said 'seem'

Who was it?

Who was she?

- Fine
- You

When?
When did you feel like that?

I'd been driving your
father for a few months

Then for the first time he
invited me into the house

He'd never done that before.
Normally I'd just wait outside

This time he took me into the drawing room

From the window I could see your garden.
It seemed to stretch forever, your land

I thought how could someone have so much
land in a city. How is that even possible

The garden joins the Heath. It doesn't all
belong to us. That would be ridiculous

The sunlight was so bright that day. The
colours. The garden. It looked like Eden

Your father could see me staring. He told
me I could take a look around the garden

I thought he was going to come with me
but the phone rang so he waved me away

I walked out of these garden doors
and down the stone steps

I walked down this path
and I saw the summer house

I didn't even know what it was for.
I had never seen such a beautiful building

A building just for pleasure

And the door was open, so I sneaked in
and the walls were covered with photographs

I felt strange being in there alone.
As if I was hiding

As if the people in the
photographs were watching

- Maybe you were
- What?

Hiding

I stepped outside again

I thought I'd come to
the end of the garden.

I was going to turn
back to the house

Then I saw some more steps, almost hidden

I walked down them to
see a whole second tier

of garden more wildly
planted than the first

And in the middle of this... secret garden.
I saw you

The sunlight cut across your face.
You were...

- What?
- You were half smiling

I had never seen someone look so right

- When was that?
- I told you. When I first started

I wonder what I was doing there

- There were pieces of paper haloing
your head - I was still writing

You should have said hello.
Introduced yourself

- No. I didn't want to spoil it
- Spoil it? That's a strange way to put it

It must have been so hard for you,
coming over here so young

Courage is the first of
human qualifies because

it's the quality that
guarantees the others

- Is that Plato?
- Aristotle

- Oh, you're well read too
- Is that a surprise?

- No
- It is, isn't it?

- Yes it is

- No it isn't - I listen too.
I learn a lot from listening

Do you sit there in the car
listening to what we say?

Wouldn't you?
Once I heard you and your friend...

- Oh no! Whatn did you hear?
- That would be telling

- My God!
- It wasn't that bad

- Good
- Although it was a little loose

- it made me think
- What?

Perhaps there's not such a big difference
between people as one may think

It's all a construct

Let's go up onto the roof
and watch the sun come up

- No
- Why? Why?

- You should go to bed
- Is that an order, sir?

- Go to bed
- Are you ordering me?

Go

- Hide
- I'll get rid of them

- No. I don't want anyone to
know I'm still here - Why?

- Because then they'll want to stay
- I'll tell them to leave

No. They'll leave if they can't find me.
Just hide

What are we going to do?

Maybe we should run away.
If this was some story we'd run away

- Where?
- Far

- Cape Verde. Have you been there?
- No

- Is it beautiful?
- Very. Oranges on the trees

- Eden?
- Close enough

And what will we do there?

Buy some land. Build something.
A restaurant maybe

- A restaurant?
- Why not?

New faces all the time,
never a minute looking

for something to do. It
would never be boring

There's always something to do
when you run a restaurant

- Do you say that from experience?
- I've worked in a lot of places

- What would I do? At this restaurant?
- You'd be the face of the place

You'd lure people in with your beauty

You'd suggest the drinks and choose the
music. You'd never get a single song wrong

You'd be the heart, the soul of the place

And every morning we'd walk straight
from the kitchen and down onto the beach...

...and onto the boats. And we'll
choose fresh fish. The most beautiful

The biggest. The heaviest.
Pearly scaled, dripping in my arms

Flashes of sun. Sand.
You. Barefoot. Mine

You've thought about that, haven't you?

We could get a plane in a few hours.
We could be there by tonight

Do you love me?

I want to

What does that mean? I thought you were
sick from the heartbreak of not having me

What does that mean, 'you want to'?

- I can't love you in this house
- Why? Explain

- Your father
- What about him?

- It wouldn't work
- What do think he is? Some sort of...

- What?
- Tory?

- Socially he's liberal
- it just wouldn't work

Why?

We could all pretend it would work.
But it wouldn't. Not really

Then I do have a better
opinion of people than you do

Are you surprised?

Today I'm this. But by next year we
could run a successful restaurant

Then in ten years time
we could live off my investments

My god, you're serious

Do you think I'm happy just to settle
for this? This job is only a step

I'm saving money to buy land.
Once I buy land I'm going to build

Once I've built I'll employ people.
Once I employ people...

- You'll be like me
- I'll never be like you

- Why not?
- Because I would have earned it myself

if that wasn't so utterly
true I'd be offended

What did you think I'm saving up money for?

Honestly. I hadn't given it much thought.
I was too busy gagging on my silver spoon

- Tell me what you thought
- I don't know

I thought maybe you were sending money home
to your family or something

What?

Flies on the face. Dust.
Is that what you imagine?

That is not what I said

Stop looking at me like that

- Like what?
- Like that

We could do something real together, you
know. Build something. Make something

- Could you love me?
- Yes

- So what do you think?
- Of what?

- Of my suggestion? Of leaving tonight
- It was my suggestion actually

- Tell me
- I like it. I like it very much

We could go before he gets back.
Before she wakes up

How much money do we need
to start this place?

Not that much. Compared to here.
It's cheap there

- Have you got any?
- Land?

- Money
- I have other capital

- What exactly?
- My skills, my experience

You can't buy a plane
ticket with experience

Which is why I seek a partner
who can advance the funds

Where will you find one
at such short notice?

- You must have...
- What? Have what?

Ready cash? Connections?

Why do you think I've moved bad! Home?

Do you think I'm back
sleeping in my childhood

bedroom because I'm
such a success?

Do you think this is a choice?
Do you think if

I had any money of my
own I'd still be here?

You can't have nothing at all

- Everything I've inherited from
her is in a trust - Everything?

I can't be busted with
money, don't you get it?

- Well then...
- Well then what?

Well then, things stay as they are

But we can't. This can't continue.
If we stay here 'wouldn't be...

- What?
- Realistic

Because...?

Because you have a girlfriend.
Sorry, a fiancée

- That's not what you meant
- Yes it is

- You meant something else
- No I didn't

- You did. What did you really want to say?
- Nothing

- That's not true
- it fucking is

- Be quiet
- Are you scared we'll wake her?

Calm down. We need to be practical.
Rational. Make a plan

Rational? You want a
rational experience do you?

Nothing about any of
this is rational. You're

through the looking
glass now, and so am I

- SR down
- Don't talk to me like that

Here, have a drink

Where did you get that wine from?

Is that my father's Château Latour?
Even I don't even touch that

Which proves you have no taste

- You thief
- If I'm a thief so are you

- Excuse me?
- What we did to her is theft

Do you think I don't know that?
She's my friend

- She's not your friend
- Well no one is my friend according to you

I don't think you know how
to read people very well

Or maybe it's that you moose not to.
I can't work it out

- People are people
- And staff are staff

This is not my fault

- Did you move those?
- Move what?

- Those glasses, did you move them?
- I don't know. Maybe

I moved some things around.
I was looking for cigarettes

No. I'm sure it was me.
I'm always forgetting where I put things

- I do it all the time
- Please. Stop talking

- Are you sure it was you?
- Yes

You know I wouldn't take something
someone had only a little of. I wouldn't...

- You don't have to excuse it
- Why?

- Because I get it
- No you don't

Yes I do. I get doing
something you shouldn't just

to feel a little better,
a little more yourself

Why are you so unhappy?

Goodness!

Could that sentence drip with more
contempt? You didn't even try and hide it

- I'm curious
- No you're not

You're just looking for more reasons
to find me pathetic and ridiculous

And therefore absolve of yourself
of any responsibility

- Responsibility for what?
- Of fucking me for my money

Shake me and I rattle. Is that what
you think? Go on. Try. Shake me

- Stop
- Shake me

- Acting like that
- Like what?

Like there's something wrong with you

If there's something
wrong with you it gives

your selfish actions
some sort of meaning

And there's nothing worse
than no meaning is there?

And that's when the real fear starts.
Because you're pointless, aren't you

Sort of shapeless

And it's terrifying

- Is that your opinion?
- Yes

- Is that your armchair analysis?
- Yes

Did it ever occur to you
that maybe I slept with you...

...because I wanted to?

I think you're afraid of me.
You're afraid of this

You're afraid and it's so pathetic.
That's why you've got to find it so safe

I feel sorry for you. I actually do

- And I felt sorry for you then too
- When?

Lying in the bottom of the garden

You thought you were
in some sort of painting, didn't you?

One of those oils in your father's study.
Pre-Raphaelite?

When actually you looked like
any other lazy overgrown woman child

Asleep with her mouth open and a cigarette
burning. Asleep on a Monday afternoon

You're lying

Stand up when I speak to you

Get up

- Get up
- Lower your voice

- I am your employer. Stand up when I speak
to you - Your father's my employer actually

- Either way. I could report you
- For what?

With a name like yours,
that can make the papers

See. We can both pull rank, darling

- You wouldn't dare
- Wouldn't I?

I've seen the way you've looked at me
over the years

You look at me like I'm simple.
Like I'm an animal.

Like you know what I want.
So you play with it

But it's never occurred to you. Has it.
That I can play with you too?

You act like I'm the crude one

I've never met anyone
act the way you did

tonight. I've seen animals
with more dignity

Go on. Finish

I said go on

I think you're proud of what just happened.
You wanted 'Moo

Although the conquest was a little too easy
to give me genuine pleasure

You just can't see beyond
this idea of conquest can you?

You only see it, or me,
as something to have

You had me. That's what you think isn't it?
Which is ironic

Because if anyone conquered anyone,
if anyone had anyone, I had you

- What are we going to do?
- We're going to leave

- To talk like this to each other forever?
- No. To enjoy ourselves

As long as we can.
And then die

Die? No. Let's just build our restaurant

- In Cape Verde. Oranges on the trees
- We could be there so soon

We could wake up there in one of those
beds with the netting around it

Ocean breeze

No things. No things around us

No stuff. No things.
Just us. Just our bodies

Clean sheets. Warm skin

Do we have enough for the flight?
Just for the flight?

- We could work it out somehow...
- Money money money

Why is it so dirty to you?
Money? You can do

something with what you have.
Can't you see that?

Stop being ashamed and own it. Own this

Use what you have to make something,
build something. Be strong

- Money money money, then we die
- I don't want to die

- Really?
- It scares me

I think it's a bk like before being born

A sort of wonderful... nothing

I think it could be worse

Hell?

Oh my god, you believe in God

You do don't you? Wow!

Why' are you laughing?

No, I'm sorry, it's a bk like believing
in Santa really, it's sweet

What would your God think of tonight?
Would he be milled?

I'm tired of this. I'm going to the car

- You're tired now are you? You're done?
- This is stupid. We're being stupid

You think I can be brushed off like that?
You owe me more than that

Do you want to know
why your father really stayed away?

It's because he hates seeing you like this

Out of control. Slurring. Popping pills

It reminds him of her. Before she did it

And it's painful. And you know that.
Deep down you know that

- You're right. It doesn't look good
- What do you mean?

People might not believe it was my choice

- You shouldn't get high
- Why?

- It makes you say things you don't mean
- So?

- It makes you talk too much - I
shouldn't talk? Is that what you'd like?

You'd like me nice and mute?
Is that how you'd like me? Quiet?

You actually would. Wouldn't you?

I didn't say anything.
Repeat what you said to me

Fine. I regret it. I regret the insinuation

I'm completely desperate. Don't you see?

What do you want from me?
What do you want me to do? What?

I don't understand. I don't understand

Do you want me to take you away? And then
kiss you and then my? And then what?

This is getting too painful

I can see that you're miserable. I can see
that somehow you've always been miserable

But I don't understand you

I don't have the luxury
to be sad like you do

Love to me is a game that I can play
when I have a few hours off

I don't have all day and night like you do

It's not a blood sport. That's a luxury

To torment yourself like this is a luxury,
to have the fucking time

Why are you looking at me like that?

Because I want to do this

I really want to be with you.
So can we just go

- I'm here
- Are you?

- I'm here. Lets go
- Let's do it

I just need to tell you something first

Do you really want to go now?
Then let's go

- Kristina will be up any minute
- Just listen

She was a complicated woman, my mother

You know that... I was the one to find her?

Money isn't everything

And love is a joke

But you got engaged

Exactly. Ha ha

So what happened?

I just got bored of him

That's not what happened is it?

Why, what do you mean? What did he say?

I broke it off. Has he said it was him?
The liar

I saw you tell him that you were too tired.
That you wanted to rest

- God. You're cruel
- That's what I saw

- I hate you
- Do you?

I think I'd like to kill you.
Like an animal

- I'm sorry
- No, you're not

You wanted me to be ashamed of loving

I will never be ashamed of loving.
Of wanting. Of needing. So fuck you

- Where's her coat?
- Whose coat?

Kristina's.
She hung it up before she went upstairs

- Did she?
- Yes

- Are you sure?
- Yes, she did

- She's gone
- What do you mean gone?

- She's not in her room and her coat is
gone - Maybe she took the dog out again

- They're clean
- So?

Did you wash them up?

- You don't know that she saw
- Why else would she leave?

- You don't know for sure
- I do

- How?
- Because she's not fucking stupid

If we're leaving,
then why do you care if she knows?

Jean, what are we going to do?

- You could leave first
- Me?

Just go. Travel. Go anywhere.
Give us a while, enough time...

For what?
You to patch things up with your fiancée?

- Enough time for me to follow you - No.
I'm not going to go alone. I won't do that

She could tell him.
She could be so angry, she could tell him

- I'll go if you come with me
- I will follow you. I promise

- Really?
- Really

I'm so tired. I'm so so tired. I can't
think anymore. Just tell me what to do

Go upstairs. Get dressed. Grab what you
need for the journey then come back down

- Can you come with me upstairs?
- No, I've got to clean up down here

Please go. Go quickly

I can't leave him behind

We can't take that

- Jean. He won't look after him
- That's insane. Put it down

- It's the only thing...
- Put it down

I'd rather kill him.
I'd rather kill him than leave him

Go on. Fucking do it

Do you think I'm afraid?
Do you think I'm afraid of that?

Afraid of doing that?

The thing is...

When you've seen the worst thing...
When you've had the worst thing happen...

Nothing really frightens you again.
Because what

is really frightening
is already inside you

It is you

It's so light

Jean, can you come with me?

I can't be on my own today

A crammed plane. People staring at me. The
queues. The headache. Children screaming

I can't. I can't

I can't stop remembering today

I can't stop remembering being a mild

I keep having these flashes of summer.
Of afternoons in the garden

Making strange things with sticks.
Talking to animals

Bruises.
The good kind of bruises. Not the...

Finding chocolate in my pocket
melted in the wrapper...

...so I could push them into new shapes
and give them to her

What's happened to me since then?

What's happened to me? So much has
happened but also nothing at all

Even if I run these memories come,
and with them the guilt

The guilt and what I've become

You're not pretending?

No, let's do it, let's go.
Let's go, let's do it

Let's go before she comes bad!

You've made a mess, haven't you?

Kristina, listen to me

- Listen to me and I'll tell you everything
- I don't want you to tell me everything

I can't stay here and Jean can't stay,
so we have to go

- I see
- But I have an idea

- And what's that?
- Why don't the three of us go together?

To Cape Verde. To open
a restaurant together

Together we could run it.
It could be such a our restaurant...

Do you believe that?

- Do I believe it?
- Yes

No

Are you insane?

I don't know

I wanted so badly for you to surprise me

I...

And I went to church with you.
To please you

- it was me. It wasn't him, I'm sorry
- That's not true

I hold your hair up when you're sick

I pick you up after your abortion

I wash your blood-stained underwear

I get up most days and I serve you

But I tell myself, it's not her fault.
She's a nice girl

It could be the other way round. She treats
me well. She treats me like a person

She didn't write history.
She's just snared in the story like me

Sometimes she even makes
it possible for us both

to pretend that we're not
hostage to our situation

Sometimes when we're talking in the kitchen
we can both pretend that it's all pretend

And that makes the job sort of bearable,
that we both have moments of pretending...

...that it all isn't so fucked.
That it all isn't so fucking unfair

Look at me!

All I had here was a tiny bit of dignity

And even that you've snatched,
and 'wasn't even precious to you

I don't think you even knew I had it.
That I need it

I don't think you know
what it's like to need something

Just what it's like to want.
And want. And want

What you've done. What you've just done. Is
worse than sex with someone you shouldn't

That's child's play. Really. It's ordinary.
It's the oldest trick in the book

What you've actually done
is you've turned the light

on when we'd both agreed
to sometimes have it off

In what you've done. You've
reiterated everything. In

your action is the whole
world of taking and taken

You are wrong. You are what's wrong

- I...
- If I were you I would...

Go upstairs and clean yourself up.
You look awful

She's right. I do

Clean sheets, empty room. Let's go

Are you angry with me?

I've got to go