National Theatre Live: Consent (2017) - full transcript

Oh, lovely when they're this size.

Thanks, darling.

Spicy smell, haven't they?

Oh, sorry.

What a lot of hair.

Wow. You've got massive heads, haven't you?

Yeah. When the chief told me he said was he vaginal.

God, and was he?

Yes, he was.

Oh, poor Mummy's vaginal.

Well, respect. How's yours?



Yeah, fantastic.

Garni did this brilliant picture with Apple the other day.

I said, Jimmy, that is the most fantastic Apple.

He said it's not an Apple, Dad.

It's a bird pretending to be an Apple.

He says he wants a remote-controlled tree for Christmas.

Sweet. How's the little one?

Yeah, brilliant.

He's crawling.

Crawling? Really already?

Yeah, he's been crawling for weeks now.

God, that's a fucking nightmare.

Then he is bald.

Oh, don't look so worried.



This is your first. When you have your second,

you'll be thinking, please, don't start crawling yet.

Be retarded, for God's sake.

Every little thing is a worry.

I think it's like a sleep-usual sense of respect.

Yeah, of course you do.

All right, Ed.

I'm going to ask it.

Why do you ask me to be Godfather?

Jimmy!

No, I'm offended.

Who else is it going to be?

What, you think I wasn't up to it?

Was my vagina not big enough?

No, it's not that.

So why?

I don't know why you care.

He said he wouldn't do this.

It's not a difficult question.

Listen, yes or no, will suffice.

We've just decided we weren't going to have Godfather.

Really? Why not?

Too many people to offend.

We don't believe in God.

God? It's all about the presence, isn't it?

Come on, Jimmy.

No, I am a bit offended, actually.

You are an egotist.

The loveliest egotist I know.

This is a perfectly understandable feeling, Jake,

and it's called solipsism.

Yeah, we love you, you know that.

Fuck my life.

I'm sorry.

Thank you.

There you go.

Thank you.

Taliyah!

Yeah, Taliyah, baby, Taliyah.

Congratulations.

Thanks.

Thanks.

I'm to Kitty for delivering him vagina.

It's Ed wants another one.

What? Already?

I say never again.

He did cry more than I did at the birth.

I found it very upsetting. I still do.

You were the one in stirrup.

It's just...

It's seen as person that you love,

and you can't help it.

There's absolutely nothing we can do.

I'm sorry.

It keeps happening to me.

It's like I'm going to the menopause.

Southern hot flushes of emotions.

It was so strange when he came out when I saw him.

It was this weird recognition of,

oh, it's you.

God!

When our little man came out, I was like,

oh, it's my mother-in-law.

Well, yes, of course, I have had Ed's mother

trying to teach me to breastfeed,

yanking my nipples.

But, oh, no, we just barricaded ourselves in.

I'm so sorry.

The tyranny of people

knocking on the door with their champagne.

Not you, of course.

No, no, it's cool.

Love the smell of paint.

Well, we haven't really unpacked yet the fucking estate.

We keep asking about how to arrange everything,

the sofas, facing each other,

or facing the fireplace.

Well, you want the floater in the room, don't you?

You do want the floater in the room.

It's great!

Amazing lamp.

Oh, yeah, I got this one, eBay.

I'm going to fill it with sand.

So it balances the weight of the lamp.

Oh, my God, it's a counterweight.

Yeah, but you can winch it up and down.

Can you, uh...

Oh, yeah.

Is he, isn't he?

Is he? Yeah.

Oh, he's back.

Well, obviously.

But now we go.

Thank you.

I just realized my back.

So what have you been up to lately?

Me?

Oh, I've been raping pensioners.

Oh, charming.

Yeah, I tie them up, I fuck them,

and then I nick their stuff.

Quite a few of them, apparently.

Yeah.

Who about you?

Me? Oh, God.

Well, murder.

Oh, I heard about that.

Oh, who have you murdered?

Oh, it's very dull.

An old girlfriend, usual thing.

What's the motive?

Sexual, of course.

I mean, is there anything that doesn't stem

from a sexual motive?

Now, I'm completely serious, really.

Name me one thing that doesn't stem

from a sexual motive.

Tax.

Oh, my God, you're right.

It's like you've invented a new element

in the periodic table.

What about you, Ed?

Uh, a spot of rape, too, actually.

Really? I didn't think you did that sort of thing.

No, well, I don't, usually,

but Rupert said that I wanted to,

so I thought, why not?

Now, I raped this woman,

a London lady, no witnesses.

She's a bit of a drinker, so am I.

Her word against my English.

Ed is so heartless.

He just thinks there's another good accent

for me to do, like that Geordie pedophile.

All right, he was brilliant about it.

I'm telling you.

I'm telling you, I didn't de-age, mate.

It's really been a pleasure.

It's uncanned.

Anyway, anyway,

what's interesting in this case

is that I'm incredibly

promiscuous as well as being rapist,

so all these Sharon's and Tracy's

keep coming out of the woodwork.

You know, one of the coppers in the case

was actually shaking me.

Really? What, a bent copper?

Yeah, loads of juicy circumstantial.

Apparently, the copper has got

a raised mole near her vagina,

and I've been shaking the school gun.

Oh, not good.

No, no. In fact, as far as I can

work out, I was shaking everyone

within shaking distance.

Oh, dear. Yeah, so I was shaking

the London lady, the grub copper,

the school girl, and that's just the ones

we know about. I'm going to exclude it.

It's all prejudicial. Sounds good.

What happened with the school girl?

Going by the text message quite a lot.

She's filthy. I'm going to

suck your cock and wake you up

and lick your bowls. All at the same time.

Of course.

That's the evidence, isn't it?

Oh, she wrote in one text

and then I'm going to do my Spanish aural.

I was like, wow, what am I

doing with my Spanish aural?

I'm living a very sheltered life.

She was talking about GCSE.

God, I'm going to think I'm dreadful

if it's somewhere through my text messages.

Yeah.

It's unfair, really. It's so easy to make

people look stupid.

You get to tease people for a living.

So, do you think you've got to run?

Oh, I don't know really.

How about you?

No.

No, I don't think we do have a case.

Tim's prosecuting.

Tim, is he still single?

Eternal.

He's so eligible.

Yeah, but he smells.

Yeah, he does. We have to have a word with him about it.

How did he respond to the allegations?

He started wearing links.

I should find him someone who wants kids.

But should those genes be passed?

God, I once shagged a girl with a mole on her

at the china.

Did you? Yeah. Really?

I gave her quite a fright.

Where was it? The mole?

Imagine that's the...

Guys, we should head.

Yeah, this has been lovely,

but you're both exhausted

and we should be getting back to him.

He's not been sleeping well. Really?

She just wants to get back to her Kate

fucking workaholic.

That's right. You know, we sit there in bed

at the two of us side by side

with our marker pens and I think

does it get better than this?

That's true as you get going.

Jimmy Todd Rachely's been having nightmares.

Oh, except he said you had

nightmares. Yeah, he doesn't say I

and me yet. Really? So sweet.

So what does he say? He says you.

Because that's what everyone else calls him.

He calls himself you.

You want more raisins?

Wow.

It's fine. I'll get the hang of it.

It's not a problem. Don't make it funny.

It's lovely. It's lovely.

He's just this little person beginning

to learn about everything, trying to express

the way he feels.

That was so lovely.

Congratulations.

Oh, I promise.

Oh, thank you.

This is just the beginning.

That was the beginning of the end.

But, oh, the end.

We're getting on the desk.

Somebody told me the best way to do it

is to sleep early. Thank you.

Oh, yeah.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Do you think they're all right?

What?

Do you think they're okay?

Yeah, why?

Oh, I don't know. You know, I just thought

she seemed a bit...

You kept bringing up sex, didn't you think?

We all kept bringing up sex.

Oh, darling, will you help me fold?

Yeah.

Thank you.

What about when they were talking about texts?

That was me.

We were talking about texts.

No.

No, she said,

it's so easy to make

people look stupid

about reading people's texts.

I just...

I thought it was a bit of an edge to it.

God, no.

I think they're absolutely fine.

Hi. I'm sorry.

I know where the witness services has disappeared to again.

I think I went to get a coffee.

But rather than hang about,

I just wanted to introduce myself and explain.

There's a legal argument happening at the moment,

hence the delay.

Plus, I haven't got the Wi-Fi working in the court.

But once the jury have been sworn in,

very soon after that, we'll be good to go.

I'm sorry, I know you may be feeling nervous.

How are you? Oh, sorry.

I'm prosecuting Barrister. Sorry, I don't have my wig on yet.

Hi.

So, yes, it's me that asked you some questions first

about what happened.

Then the defence will ask you some questions

about what happened, cross-examine you.

And that part will be a bit like going to the dentist.

Not much fun, I'm afraid.

Are you the one on my side then?

That's a good question.

I'm here to represent what you said happened

and present the case against Mr Taylor.

Are you my lawyer?

Strictly speaking, I'm not your lawyer, no.

Who are you then?

I'm the lawyer for the crown, the crown's case.

But I'm the one it happened to.

You don't actually have a lawyer.

But it happened to me? I know, I know it did.

But technically, you're a witness.

The case is against Mr Taylor.

Does he get a lawyer? Yes.

And in fact, that brings me to my next point.

It's now part of my job to give you some information.

And I must tell you, the defence case in this case

is that you consented.

Pardon? You consented to sex with Mr Taylor.

What? You consented to sex with Mr Taylor.

You invited him to spend the night with you.

No, no, no. I went to bed. I was finished.

I was in bits. He was drinking with Gary.

I went to his funeral and then at 3am

I woke up with him on top of me.

I'm sorry, I should have made this clear.

This can't be the start of a conversation between us.

I simply have to give you that information.

I can't give you advice on how to practice.

He's trying to take my pajama bottoms off me.

I'm pushing like that with my arm and saying

what in God's name you think you're doing.

He grabs my pajama top, the whole bucket.

It's really unfortunate, but I mustn't get into a discussion

with you about it now.

You need to tell the court what happened in your own words.

And I'll do my very best to help you with my questions.

I'm embarrassed to ask you questions.

If you disagree with something, that is the time

to make it clear what really happened, okay?

I understand. It's a nerve-wracking experience.

But if you want to break, the court will break.

You just pause and you take your time.

You'll be behind a screen as well.

I don't want a screen.

It's much easier if you don't have your attacker looking at you.

I will look at him and I'll say what he does.

I can't believe what he does on the day of my sister's funeral.

You need to say all this in court.

Something I need to tell you.

No, not to me. It's actually quite important.

Why? Because then I'll be helping you practice,

which isn't allowed.

You need to say all this in court. What you should do now

is take a moment to read your statement that you made to the police.

Have you read your statement? Yeah, I know what happened.

He pulled my pajama bottoms down. He was pushing me back.

It's good that you have the events fresh in your memory.

But please read your statement because

the lawyers will be relying on it and it's accuracy.

But there are things I didn't say in my statement.

Okay, okay.

Now, hold on a minute. This is very important.

That's why I needed to tell you.

There are things you didn't say in your statement.

If there are things you didn't say in your statement,

for whatever reason, whether you forgot

or whether there was another reason, that's a good reason.

That's a good reason.

But you cannot tell me things you haven't said in your statement,

not to me, not now, because you'll make me a witness

and then I won't be able to prosecute the case.

I was crying. He couldn't get it in.

He was pushing forwards and backwards.

Stop, okay. Let me get the officer in the case.

He said, you like a man doing this. This is what you like.

I was saying, stop. He said, this is what you like.

You like a man doing this.

He raped me.

Michael Bullshit.

I mean it.

Once again, with conviction.

Can I fit you up?

She says no, but she means yes.

I shouldn't. I'm hungover.

I'm over.

It's the problem. I'd be feeding him whenever he cries,

so now he feeds to sleep.

So what? I'd feed to sleep?

I'd drink to sleep.

Honestly, it's very lovely.

Yeah, we've only been broken into once.

Didn't even get to the house. There's some man in the garden.

About 11 o'clock at night.

I rang the police.

Unfortunately, Ed was stoned at the time.

They asked me what the intruder looked like,

and all I could say was,

he had a faith.

Kitty was worried their Alsatians would smell my hash

end of my legal career.

Yes, in the end, we told him not to come round,

but yes, it is lovely.

I smoke it more often, but I get this terrible.

Flashbacks?

It's all throats.

So are you hungover?

I went out drinking after rehearsals.

Oh, how is it?

Yes. How's the director?

Is she mad?

No. She's very enthusiastic, very free, very...

Mad.

What's the play like?

Well, you know, it's grief.

Oh, the gods always appear.

Get confused and start repenting all over the place.

Yeah, well, thanks.

They're just fundamentally unpleasant people, aren't they?

Men are shits, and the women are insufferable,

because they're so holier than now, right?

Well, I'm not holier than now.

Serious, is it fun? Is it a fun night out?

No!

It'd be great. Don't listen to him.

No, you're right. It is great.

You know, before you mistreat your women,

remember what they're capable of.

Yeah, right.

What if one of them takes revenge?

What if one of them was a goddess?

What then?

You know, there's a Medea complex in law.

Really?

Premeditated calculation rather than insanity.

Well, can't you calculatingly premeditate and be insane?

What's the concept?

Well, the director is great.

Very, very, very bold.

Yes!

And she wants us to do it in accents.

Oh, that's funny.

Ah! Ah!

First it was Scottish.

Then it was Northern Irish.

That's okay. I think of a person I know,

and I make my face like theirs, you know.

Should I stop now, or can I carry on?

You should stop now.

But I'm just hoping to God it's not going to end up in Yorkshire,

because my Yorkshire is terrible.

Yorkshire.

Or Cornish.

Or Cornish, Jesus.

Surely, any one could be RP than God's cat.

Well, I'm not playing a God.

I'm playing her, and my Yorkshire is absolutely appalling.

Sort of eba-gumpet, night, black night,

nurse of golden stars.

Night, in which I carry this picture

on my head as I go to fetch to water,

to river streams,

and then falls groans for my father into the vast sky.

I've seen red classics at uni.

And my dad's a Yorkshireman.

Wow, so how come you...

You became a barrister.

I don't know if it'd be crap, I do.

Fantastic, so tell them.

It is great, isn't it?

Oh, yes, a classic Greek play.

Which is?

Two opposing characters holding two relative

but mutually destructive truths.

A little bit more or less.

Meaning? Why?

Tragedy. That's tragedy.

No, it's two people thinking they're right.

No, no, the mainstay of Greek plays

is priggish characters taking the moral high ground.

Fuck that, the golden rule for any Greek play

is an unbunked woman goes bonkers.

Oh, well, that's true for me, definitely.

I only murder my children

because I know that's what'll hurt Jason the most.

Because, well, sadism is really a twisted empathy, isn't it?

And...

Ooh.

Everyone's quiet and listening to me now.

Damn, it's because we're all bored.

Oh.

Well, you'll be interested to hear that Jason

is gonna be nude for the final...

Wow.

Oh, bloody hell, bring me a ticket.

Bloody hell, it's all over drink.

Yeah.

Oh, it's all right, huh?

You shame us.

That's by far the most expensive bubble.

I have disposable income.

I rent in Zone 4.

Can you look tired? How's life?

Just in the process of moving house,

I feel like a squatter.

I just got a mattress there.

Actually, yeah.

I think it's haunted.

Well, seriously.

How?

We keep waking up in the middle of the night.

And it's always at exactly 2.59am.

Every night without fail.

I know this because I've got a digital display,

and I thought it was because I should be watching the cricket.

England do do better when I watch it.

But, um...

Then the other night, I, um...

I pulled this girl.

Whoa!

What?

That's a story.

Bloody hell, didn't get that quiet one, girl.

When?

It's no big deal.

Yes, it is.

This guy is a workaholic.

To my knowledge, he's not had intercourse for, well, the last three years.

Yeah, thanks, Jake.

Who is he? Who is he?

Stop interrupting.

I want to hear about the fucking gays.

She saved the night.

At 2.59am, I woke up, as usual,

and the fucking kettle flew across the room.

Flew across the room? What do you mean?

I mean, it went bash across the room

and into the opposite wall.

It's someone who picked it up in his room.

Fuck it up.

What did the girl say?

Oh, she was dead to the world, but drunk a lot.

She just fell out of bed, picked it up and put it back.

So, what are you going to do?

I call her psychic.

Psychic?

He tells her he believes in God next.

Where did you get ahold of a psychic?

Google.

Got consultation over the phone, 60 quid.

She also did home visits, but that was 160 quid,

which seemed a bit much to me.

Well, that is just what it costs nowadays.

Very great.

Anyway, she asked me some questions about myself,

and I'll tell us some questions.

What did you ask her?

Who am I?

Sounds like therapy.

I should do it.

I've got loads of questions.

Is this the man I'm going to marry?

And she said a couple of things

that were surprisingly insightful,

and a lot of things that were pretty irrelevant.

Just like therapy?

Well, it seemed to work,

because it hasn't been a peep out of it since.

So, the ghost or the girl?

No, I'll find out.

They better go this case.

Oh, Tim, really?

Sorry, more than 50 quid.

That's what I get paid for fringe.

Well, given the caliber of our performances,

probably fair, then.

Oh, come on, Tim.

Come on, Tim!

I'm cross-examining tomorrow.

You just sit there with a bland look on your face.

Well, my complaint,

it could be amazingly incoherent in the box,

especially when she's deliberately being wound up by you.

Well, I can't wait to hear her victim's impact statement.

I need to win for that to happen, Mick.

Victims shouldn't have a rolling punishment anyway.

Why not?

Well, because then it becomes about vengeance, obviously.

What's wrong with a bit of vengeance?

Apparently, people who forgive unconditionally

live longer.

Well, there's a good selfish reason to do it.

You made a way through some filth in the room.

You've got the big, red-faced, shouting, wells-judge thingy.

Oh, God, he's an absolute cunt.

Oh, I thought he's warm and bubbly.

Yeah, a warm, bubbly cunt.

Or is he would die?

We are arranged for pancreatic cancer through the post.

I'll ask the gods.

Oh, now, mind me,

Zara's got an audition for a new legal drama.

You should help her with her research.

Yeah, of course, of course.

Not now.

No.

Anyway.

Well, it was lovely to meet you.

Oh, yeah, lovely.

Oh, sorry.

Give her a kiss from me.

We'll do.

Bye, folks.

See you tomorrow.

See you tomorrow.

Lovely to meet you.

Bye.

Don't let him bully you.

Thank you.

Bye.

Well?

No, I mean...

Oh, God.

I don't know how it is.

Such a shame.

I just...

I could have told you.

You knew as well.

Oh, God, how embarrassing.

Why not?

Well, he's gay, isn't he?

He's not gay.

Well, he might look gay, but not gay.

Oh, okay.

Well, um, fate?

No, he wants kids.

So do I, but how many ways can I say it?

You can't.

It is impossible to communicate the

pheromonal semiology of sexual attraction.

I just don't fancy him.

Sorry.

Well, there you go, Zara.

Why should you fancy him?

I don't fancy him.

Do you fancy him, kitty,

because he's always fancied you.

Rubbish.

He drools over you.

He does not drool over me.

No, you're absolutely right, Zara.

I realised I was staring at him,

trying to work out what animal he reminded me of.

Otter.

Otter's too glamorous.

Hamster.

He was just a bit victim-y in his aftershave.

No, no, no, that's not fair.

We can't advocate him.

I lead Zara to find her own man.

She looks perfectly capable of me.

No, no, no, no, no.

Many hands make light work.

Maybe I should go for a younger man.

There are plenty of young fathers nowadays.

Most of them in prison.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, but could I have children at some point in the future

as insurance, you know, to look after me when I'm old?

And you do start to wonder,

what is wrong with me?

When you look at some of the losers and lunatics

who've managed to have kids.

Not you guys, obviously.

You end up thinking like King Lear,

why should a dog or rat or horse have life

and now they breath at all?

Yeah, I felt like that when I kept failing my driving test.

You know, I could call these other morons, man.

Honestly, how did you not manage it?

Oh, this is an arranged marriage day.

Grew to love each other.

Oh, the child bought them together.

Oh, look, they're laughing on the outside, crying on the inside.

I don't want to go because...

You'll bump into him outside.

You'll slag me off instead.

Come on, Zara, isn't it?

It's paying for a cab.

It's shown before we go.

Anyway, we'll definitely come to the play.

Oh, yes, you must. It's such a great part.

Why don't people write parts like that for women anymore?

Parts where you get to scream and rage, parts like Lear.

So Lear was a woman, they'd say it's her hormones.

That is the word for you.

Yeah, that was true.

So, what's going on?

What? You look terrible.

Thanks.

What's happened?

Maybe what's happened.

Well, when I spoke to Rachel, she just sounded really odd.

Come on, Jakey.

She's chucked me out.

Why?

Oh, God, all right, then.

It's got this mad idea of me having an affair.

Affairs.

Right, well, don't rush the contradiction.

It's a complete nonsense.

She'll calm down.

I'm really not worried.

What, me?

Well, when does she chuck you out?

Monday.

He's taking my brother and putt me.

It was another nightmare, anyway.

Oh, God, don't look so worried.

It's a storm in the tea cups.

She'll calm down.

I realise she's been crazy.

And we'll be back to how we were in the sleep sniping

like any other healthy marriage.

Christ, Jakey, I'm so sorry.

What made her think?

It was a text message.

It was ridiculous. It was a joke.

Who, too?

A pupil.

You know, the one with the glasses?

Jemima.

No, not Jemima.

Oh, Martha.

No, Laura.

We were arcing around.

Rachel, for some reason, got on my phone and read them all.

God knows how she gets my pin.

What a terribly secretive streak, Rachel.

Fucking iPhones.

Conversations go right back to the beginning.

Who, though, thought that was a good idea.

All right, look, I suppose, out of context, yes,

it did look a bit...

But honestly, there was nothing going on.

And now, it's cast out on...

You know, every time I've been out playing tennis with you

or having a con with a client,

she's convinced it goes back years that I've just been

shagging one woman after another.

So it wasn't...

What?

You know, anything to do with...

What?

The Hannah thing.

Oh, my God. No, no, no, no!

She doesn't know about that!

For Christ's sake, don't tell her about that!

That would be a disaster.

Well, you are completely industries about it.

Oh, Lordy.

That's because I thought it was all a bit of a joke.

I mean, that's the problem.

Love a bit of anger as much as the next time,

but I just...

I can't take it seriously, all this drama

and shouting at three in the morning.

She is particularly bad on red wine, I noticed.

Rachel said I was just like a typical human rights barrister.

How?

Shadowed.

I just can't bear this attitude, you know?

My feelings have more vitamins than yours.

I'm basically being bullied.

And I've happened to go quite differently

than I normally would.

Not answering back?

Yep.

Jimmy, fucking worst.

I have to tell him I'm wearing a case.

I'd say goodnight to him on the phone last night.

How was it?

It was a very brief exchange of information.

I asked questions, he gave short polite answers.

Yes, I've been a good boy, no.

I'm going to go watch a film about a monkey now.

I felt like the president of a third-world country

getting a curtsy girl from the White House.

What if she takes the kids away from me?

No, no, no, she won't do that.

She wouldn't, she might.

Bet you've been out of stuff as well.

Thank you, how could she not?

Oh Christ.

Look, it'll be fine.

So forgive me, I know she will.

Okay, thank you.

You went to bed, didn't you?

Yes.

It was 3am, wasn't it?

3, 4am.

You've been drinking?

Perno lemonade.

By my reckoning, it was along the lines of 10.

10 or 11.

Perno lemonade by then, wasn't it?

I don't know how to remember.

It was the day of my sister's funeral.

My little sister had just died.

Your brother Gary, how much do you...

I don't know, you don't count what people dream, do you?

I don't count what people dream.

Did you take a drink to bed with you?

I don't remember.

Were you drunk?

I was upset.

Did you invite Mr Taylor to join you in your bed?

Did I?

It's a simple question, yes or no, we'll survive.

Did you invite Mr Taylor to join you in your bed?

Well not if I were in it.

God Almighty, no!

No.

No.

You say in your statement that you received a phone call

at 10 o'clock the next morning from your brother Gary,

isn't that right?

Yeah.

I'll ask him how you were.

And you said to the officer in your statement,

I picked up the phone and I said,

alright Gary, I can't speak now, I'll phone you back.

That's what I said.

I'll phone you back and then I did, I phoned him back,

that's what I did, yeah.

That's correct though, isn't it?

Yeah.

And you're clear, aren't you,

that you didn't mention anything to your brother Gary

about what had happened with Mr Taylor at that time?

He was still there.

Who was still there?

Mr Taylor was still there.

In your apartment?

Yeah, because he hadn't left.

Because he hadn't left, I see.

I came out of my bedroom and I seen him there flat out on the sofa,

I was obviously so shocked to see him still there.

So all of you have sex on my board,

we didn't have sex, he raped me,

he left the room after he raped me and I lay there

because I didn't know what to do.

Did you fall asleep?

Did I fall asleep?

I'd just been raped.

You didn't call the police?

No, because I was scared of him,

I was scared of what I might do if I'd gone up.

My phone was out there charging in the front room,

I didn't know if he was out there,

I didn't know if he'd left or not.

Were you still drunk, would you say?

I was upset, I was crying, I was shaking.

Right, so you said, don't you, that you lay there all night,

you didn't get up.

Yeah.

And the next morning you did get up

and then you came to the sitting room

and you saw Mr Taylor there.

Yeah, I was sitting there, he woke up,

he jumped up, he was looking around for his shoes.

He was barefoot, I remember that,

because he said something about my underfloor heating.

So you're chatting about your underfloor heating?

No, I told him I was scared of him.

Then Gary called on my mobile, I said,

call him back and that was it, Patrick Taylor left,

he was out of there, as soon as he left,

I called Gary back, I told him what happened,

he came straight round.

Yeah, so I have his account here.

And Gary says that he came round

and you talked about what had happened.

Yeah, Gary was so shocked he couldn't believe what he'd done,

he couldn't believe he'd done anything like that

and on the day of our sister's funeral.

And Gary says that he poured himself a drink.

And what time was this?

11.

In the morning.

Yeah.

And then Gary says that he poured you a drink.

Yeah, he poured me a drink.

And were you drinking with Lemonade?

Yes, Lemonade.

I was upset.

Were you drunk?

Of course I was drunk, of course I was drunk.

And then Mr. Taylor sent you a text message

and the text message said,

thanks for last night, hope you're feeling okay.

And then you texted back, you texted back,

yeah, I'm fine.

Is that correct?

Yeah.

Now earlier that week,

you've been to see your psychotherapist.

The jury have heard evidence from your psychotherapist

who said, after I saw Gail,

I wrote out the notes,

I wrote that she was her usual self

and I asked, by usual self, what do you mean?

And your psychotherapist replied,

being quite sad and fed up about her life.

Would you say that that's a fair description of yourself?

I don't know.

You don't know?

I can't describe myself.

Are you paranoid?

What do you mean?

I'd like to ask.

What do you mean by paranoid?

Whether you ever feel that you imagined things.

I obviously don't believe this.

I don't believe this.

Are you familiar with the term,

do you try to say I'm some sort of a mad person?

I'm not trying to say anything.

You are, you're saying that I'm mad.

No, I have no wish to quarrel with you.

It happened.

It happened, folks.

He raped me on the day of my little sister's funeral.

He came into my bedroom in the middle of the night

and he raped me.

And I look at him there and say it.

Music

Breathe, take a breath.

How did it happen?

Tell us how it happened.

Oh, God, I can't breathe.

No.

Do you want to smoke?

No, don't smoke.

Of course, of course.

Breathe in.

Don't fucking breathe again.

I'm smoking.

Don't listen to me.

It's no use apologising.

She doesn't believe me.

She doesn't think I am.

Sorry, I can't communicate with her.

She's locked in herself.

She's made up of mine.

Stop panicking and inhale.

What did she say?

She even made eye contact.

What did she say?

Fuck it.

She wants...

Look at me back.

Look at me back at myself.

I don't know who the person was

who did those things.

She wants a divorce.

Go back to the beginning.

To the beginning.

Oh, she's given him a bath.

She got Jimmy in the living room to bed.

I came from the temple.

She's cancelled him

and then she uncounted in the last minute.

I haven't seen her for about...

I don't know.

The last time was...

A week?

The point is she kept me scheduling.

It's a weekend.

I don't know.

It is a blur.

The house.

Fuck it.

She's changed the...

She's moved the sofa out.

She swaps around the sofa

and plates the window.

So that's her.

I've lost my head like this.

So she got them to bed

and then she...

Yeah, that's right.

She had a drink.

We were both drinking.

What were you drinking?

We were standing in the kitchen.

She was by the washing machine

and she says it's over.

She says she can't forgive me.

She says she wants me out of the house

and she wants the kids.

We were drinking a bottle of red.

White.

He'd bought a bottle of white

as if that would make it better.

Jimmy and the little one were upstairs in bed.

Mancha had read them a story,

put them to bed.

I said if he cancelled,

it would be a week till I could see him again.

And the last time we saw each other

was Thursday, eight days ago,

so he came straight round.

If she takes the kids away from...

I am not going to be one of those men.

I will fucking...

Honey, talk to each other.

Oh, we have them.

We have.

What is going to happen to me?

What happened to us?

Can you remember?

No, I can't remember the exact way she said it.

It's something about taking me to court,

but I can't tell you why.

It doesn't make any sense to me.

As far as I can see,

I want something from her.

Jimmy.

He's finally got the hang of calling himself I.

Nobody says for I don't remember.

I didn't see me doing that.

You know if I'm playing on the swings yesterday,

he thinks and he goes...

I didn't see me doing that.

He says he looks back at the person he was

when he married me

and he doesn't know who that is.

It doesn't seem to realise the damage.

Are you sure you're not being paranoid?

He gave me an STD, pubic lice.

I thought she knew what was going on.

I was fucking obvious about it.

What do you think she knew?

Everything!

Come on!

Okay, look.

You have this fantasy

that someone loves you for yourself.

You and all your flaws.

I know it sounds naive,

but someone is going to let you be who you are.

That's your mother.

I was like to myself that she knew.

That she knew that she accepted.

She was like to herself

that nothing was going on.

Okay, for example, he always leaves his receipts

in his pockets

and they cover everything with white fluff

so I empty them out

when I'm doing the cunting laundry.

One prawn sandwich padding to M&S.

He hates prawns.

He says it's for a client.

I go to the bathroom cabinet.

He's taken hair gel.

Why do you need hair gel

when you're in home, in court,

wearing a fucking wig all day?

And I did ignore it all because it's so cliched.

He said if I'd ever asked you to have told me everything,

that is a lie, because I did ask.

And he lied every time.

He says he's a terrible liar.

That's a fucking lie!

He does it for a living!

I wish I had a transcript.

He's not sorry.

I'm sure he is.

No, no! He's sorry for himself.

He's not sorry for what he's done.

Jade, you must be able to understand how she feels.

Put yourself in her shoes.

I mean, you'd be feeling...

I mean, how would you feel?

I wouldn't mind.

Believe me, you would.

She's right when she says I'm not sorry

because I'm not. I'm not sorry.

Sorry she found out about it.

You don't regret it.

No! It was good for our marriage!

It kept her alive!

She says it's like I brought a stranger to the home.

It's a violation.

But that's retrospective, you see what I mean?

She didn't even violate it while I was actually doing it.

It's only now!

Jade, this is all a bit legalistic, isn't it?

Were you in love with these women?

Yes.

Yes or no?

The answer isn't yes or no, is it?

The more you make love with someone,

the more you make love.

You.

I mean me.

He's locked in himself.

He is incapable of feeling guilt.

He genuinely doesn't seem to realise the difference

between right and wrong.

He's so fucking...

What do you want to happen?

I want to hurt him!

I'm scared of her.

Scared of what you might do.

But you love Rach.

Well, look at the way we got married.

You married me because I got pregnant.

Very prone to feeling guilt.

That was a major motivating factor.

And then Jimmy was born...

Okay, it's like this.

I've never liked Rachel's ears.

She's got these ears, they've got no lobes to them.

But then Jimmy was born, and guess what?

He's got the same fucking ears.

But I looked at them,

and I loved them.

He made me love her more.

He made me love her more.

So basically, it's a fight

between two opposing narratives.

These are people in extreme situations.

There are lots of chaotic facts,

and you want to pick your way through

and convince the jury of one simple line.

All about suggestions.

Make them say it from your client's point of view.

Like, I see things from my character's point of view.

Exactly.

So what's it called?

Wigging out.

I know.

It'll be 9 o'clock for you to see one.

I'm up for a criminal barrister with no home life.

Speaks Mandarin and Rona Blaze.

I know loads of them.

But I want to get the tone right.

Okay, so say I'm prosecution in his defence.

I usually prosecute.

And lose.

Oh, fuck you.

I was winning until I wasn't.

I knew I'd lost the jury

when I saw four of them at their arms' fold,

and actually, I think she was raped.

She was a complete piss head who kept changing her story.

He fucking excluded the fact that she knew

he had previous assaults.

He was prejudicial.

She should have said it in her statement,

not five minutes before.

Plus, you liked a bit of rough.

You looked at her previous boyfriends anyway.

As the prosecution, Tim opens the case.

So in this case, you're going to hear from Zara...

White.

Zara White, who alleges her genitals were grabbed by this man.

Lovely.

Then I asked nice, open questions of you.

Who, where, what, why, when,

and you tell things from your point of view.

Then I fuck up that narrative.

You certainly do.

I cross-examine with closed questions.

Closed questions.

Yeah, nasty questions.

Where the choice is not genuine.

I've had a different point of view.

You wanted him to have sex with you, didn't you?

Yes or no?

You asked him to fuck you blue, didn't you?

Yes or no?

Fuck me blue?

Did people say that?

Been a long time.

So you do it all through questions.

Well, the question isn't always a question.

A bold statement can be camouflaged as a question.

You're an asshole, really, aren't you, Ed?

Right.

What can I say?

My rapist just performed a lot better than your victim.

Yeah, probably because he had a lot of practice.

He's only been raping the once.

The fact is, we both cheat if I'm older than Tim Lee Wings.

Oh, Kitty said he was doing lots of rapes at the moment,

which would be wonderful for me.

Are there any I could watch?

You don't want to watch him. You want to watch me.

He's human rights.

What do you want to watch him for?

Rapes beneath him.

I'm the one who does all the raping.

I'm not human rights.

I'm just moving into human rights.

Yeah, for the money.

Well, you mean the money.

There is no money in human rights.

There is when you're defending the human rights

of Google and B-Sky B.

Well, you've been right to me after too, though, eh?

You used to have ideals.

How else am I going to pay for our room?

Well, it's the embarrassing regulatory one, though.

The rest of us.

Unless it's a mini cab in a strip club.

Yes, but don't listen to him.

He's actually in a very posh set

where they cream off all the fraud,

and that's why he lives in Canada and I live in Los Angeles.

Try living in Enfield.

And actually, as it happens, Tim,

I am doing a couple more rapes.

I'm going to do a marital rape in Plymouth.

Plymouth?

I know.

Yeah, just only doing it is a fake long story.

It's a joke.

Basically pro bono,

which if you know you're Latin,

means paid fuck all.

It's all that's been used to you at all.

We should be telling you how to stand, speak.

Spectacles.

Pick them up, put them down.

They engage the listener when you're about to speak,

and they make you look clever.

Ooh, rumple.

What about a parrot on your shoulder while you're at it?

What about a parrot on your shoulder while you're at it?

That's another one.

Repeat their answer slowly like they fucked up

and let it hang in the air.

Strictly when you don't know what the fuck else to do.

Oh, sorry, this is my agent.

I had to get this phone.

Sarah?

Hi.

How's the baby?

Oh, my God, I can hear him.

Back off.

Thank you, Bob.

You're happily married.

I'm a sad, single bastard.

Back off.

What?

You're flirting with her, Mr. Human Rights.

I am not flirting.

Yes, you are.

Getting the conversation on to grabbing her genitals.

Actually, that was you who got it on to grabbing her genitals.

Oh, I mean, it's all the blame.

It's been a long time since you've slept with Kitty.

Fucking till you're blue.

You fancy her rotten and mitten.

No.

Don't you?

No, absolutely not.

Is it a long time since you've had sex with Kitty?

None of your business.

OK.

So if you don't fancy her and I'm wrong,

you won't be embarrassed if I bring it up in front of her, then.

Look, she's a lovely girl and she's one of Kitty's oldest friends,

but to be honest, I've always found her a bit pretentious.

Yeah, but that's neither here nor there when it comes to a blowjob.

What?

Seriously, Ed.

Why are you keeping me off the ground?

Look, she wasn't interested.

What?

She wasn't interested in you.

We tried to set you up.

She wasn't interested.

I'm sorry.

Fucking babies.

Fascinating.

No.

Sorry, that was so, so useful.

I'd love to talk to you about the human rights stuff.

Don't.

You're being sufferable.

Oh, with pleasure.

Thank you so much.

It was a pleasure.

I'm so sorry.

Hang on.

We've only done examination in chief.

What about cross-examination?

You know, because when you cross-examine,

you're not asking open questions anymore.

You're asking questions to draw attention to your case,

to bend perceptions, to put an idea into the jury's mind.

You fancy Zara, don't you, Ed?

You give the answer and your question,

and that way you control the answer.

You fancy Zara, don't you, Ed?

Don't be afraid of silence.

Use it to create tension.

Or you can do it a different way.

I suggest you fancy Zara, but you would disagree with me, wouldn't you?

See, what I'm doing is I'm putting my case,

and by telling him he disagrees with it,

I closed him down to a yes or no answer.

I boxed him in.

You fancy Zara?

No.

You engineered this session of research

in order to have an excuse to flirt with her.

No.

Under the guise of advising Zara about a part in my presence,

you earned her confidence,

and ultimately your motive for doing so

was to seduce her for yourself.

This is bounce.

I'm bouncing for confrontations.

You get a rhythm going.

You play dirty.

You don't look at the witness, but straight ahead,

and you bounce your case off them.

You're trying to get them to go to a fair cop guff.

Which I'm not going to do.

Well, the great thing is it doesn't matter if you do it,

because the impression is it is a fair cop.

You just can't admit it.

The other way is to create an embarrassment.

We call this looking for the lever.

Do you find my wife attractive, Tim?

Do you find my wife attractive, Tim?

No.

You're saying my wife is not attractive?

No.

So she is an attractive woman.

My wife.

You would say, Tim.

And yet you don't find her attractive.

Is that right?

You said earlier my wife is an attractive woman.

Then you say that you don't find her attractive.

Which is the line?

See?

It's a sort of trap door.

You ring fence around locking off escape routes.

Then you pull the lever.

You drive an unanswerable rhetorical wedge

between the answers.

Fuck you.

Bloody hell.

He just crossed because he lost the case.

Tell it.

It was boxing.

I'd be very happy to talk to you about the human rights stuff another time.

I love that. Thanks.

Good luck with your audition.

Oh no, someone else got it.

What?

That's why my agent rang.

Oh no.

It's the story of my life,

but I'd still love to hear about the human rights.

Yes.

Can you feel it?

I don't think I can. I don't think I can feel anything. No, I'm so sorry. What exactly am I meant to be feeling?

I don't know. Stupid, really. I just have this feeling.

Well, that is someone else.

You know what I mean? The upstairs landing, I was looking around and I found these marks. Slow down.

What sort of marks?

Little finger marks.

Hand marks?

Someone with a very small hand.

Maybe some child lived here before.

I just had it painted.

I'm not being very helpful, am I?

I don't know what I'm getting at. It's ridiculous. I just wanted a second opinion. I don't know what I'm taking.

It's fine.

Well, I just do want some tea. What are they meant to be, anyway?

Oh, I don't know. A destructive force, I suppose.

I would offer you a biscuit, but some of my foods I say you've covered. I don't know why.

God, you've got so much space here.

Ed's study is like flying Ryanair. Always worried he's going to get deep vein thrombosis.

The doctor keeps asking where I want to put the nursery for my phantom children.

Tim, you should put the sofa here so it's facing the window.

You see?

Yeah.

God, you know, our sofas have just been sitting there for months.

Ed and I just can't agree on where to put them.

Well, you guys are great at communicating.

We're not great at communicating. We just always agree. We don't agree. We're fucked.

Can we have it?

And Ed's infuriatingly logical, which just winds me up.

He's like, what do you mean you just don't like the sofa there, kitty?

You're an intelligent person, aren't you?

Yeah. Well, unfortunately, cross-examination is a damaging form of communication.

He's so good at dressing up his opinion as comment.

You may think, members of the jury, this is a sofa you cannot trust.

That doesn't matter for you.

Where is he now?

With Jake.

Oh, God, Jake.

Yeah, Jake.

So it's reached crisis point.

Ed's on Jake's side. I'm on Rachel's.

I thought you were on Jake's side.

That was before I heard Jake's side.

What I keep wondering is, why do people do it?

I couldn't. Never.

I like the moral high ground too much for a start.

I suppose I just find it very hard to imagine.

Yeah.

How would you behave like that?

You know, what I meant was, you know, what is being unfaithful?

When does it start?

Is meeting an ex and all telling being unfaithful?

Is thinking about it being unfaithful?

Is dreaming about someone being unfaithful?

When does it start?

Do you know what I think?

When people talk about it, the more they talk about it,

the more they end up actually doing it.

That's true.

It astounds me the lack of insight.

People don't seem to see what they're doing, even as they're doing it.

People are amazingly suggestive.

You see, it's much better than that.

How was the holiday?

Exhaustive.

I never thought I'd say this, but I actually miss work.

Even the crazy fucking authors.

Even the crazy fucking authors, even the fucking blurbs.

Oh my God, I spent hours on them.

Changing A for the and back again.

Many masterpieces.

Those are the days.

I'm so glad we've only got one.

You don't want more?

God, no. Ed does.

The end of our relationship.

Luckily, he can't impregnate me by force.

He tries.

Sweetly.

Anyway, how is your love life?

Jesus.

This terrible date.

Having taken my patter out for the night.

So draining.

After all that to lie down in a darkened room.

Alone.

Oh my God, it's so bloody hot, isn't it?

Our bedroom's about 30 degrees at the moment.

Why the hell we put it in the attic?

Because the view is fantastic.

The heat gives me nightmares.

Me too.

What about?

I dream of...

Ah, the dream is very, very ordinary.

I just dream...

I dream that I'm unhappily married.

Then I wake up and I remember that I'm married to Ed.

It's all okay.

What?

There.

Do you feel it now?

Do you feel something?

Yeah.

I feel something.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Is he asleep?

She's dropping proceedings.

What?

Yep, I just saw her.

She's dropping proceedings?

Yep, and Jake's moving back in. Can you believe it?

Well, I know.

You know.

I mean, I practically broke the deal.

I'm not wanting to boast or anything.

Fantastic! Why don't we have a vodka to celebrate?

We don't have anything to drink it with.

Is there anything that isn't improved by mixing it with vodka?

Actually, no, let me answer that.

Should have passed.

And I should know.

Well, you are looking at one brilliant negotiator.

Talk about the art of persuasion.

I don't want one.

What?

I don't want one. She's making a huge mistake.

Who?

Rachel is making a huge mistake taking him back.

No, you didn't say that to her.

No, of course not. I said I understood. I don't.

Well, what do you think she should do?

Leave him.

Kit, she was going to run conduct.

Yeah, it was insane. As a barrister she should learn.

Oh God, she wasn't thinking as a barrister.

She was hurting.

She wanted her side of the story to be heard.

Well, that's what dinner parties are for.

It isn't about him spending their cash, which it wasn't.

They don't care.

They're dissuaded to stay. Do you actually think they're better together?

Well, taking him to court wouldn't have got her anywhere.

Well, do you want to stop being so fucking detached for once, Ed?

Well, saying you don't know how to put up with this is actually pretty bad advice.

Yes, Bud. Jacob's done something wrong and I think he should be punished.

I think he should say sorry.

He has said sorry.

Yes, but he doesn't mean it.

Well, it's very difficult to mean an apology that is being demanded from you.

Do you know what? You have never said sorry to me in your life.

That's not true.

And it's took you a long time to say I love you, a long time to say will you marry me,

but you have never said sorry because saying sorry is an admission of guilt.

Ed, you said it yourself when you were a child.

You would only ever say, I apologise.

And that's why you became a barrister.

Sorry, I completely lost.

Should I be the one saying sorry for Jake cheating on Rachel?

I mean, she was being mad.

What if I cheated on you? How do you think you would feel?

I wouldn't go mad.

How do you know?

Because it wouldn't get me anywhere.

No, no, it's not about getting somewhere, Ed.

That's not why people go mad.

It's not a tactical move.

But even a child could see that what Jake has done is wrong.

Bullshit.

Children see things from one point of view their own.

Just introduce bugs and smarts.

Do you know what?

Jake had an ounce of empathy.

Oh, no, not empathy.

Not that old fucking chestnut, please.

So sick of hearing that word invoked.

I'm tired.

Boo-boo.

I haven't listened to bollocks all day long in court.

Victims, impact, statements, people going on about what they think

is fair after two sharp nades.

No, I want to drink.

You know what?

The last thing I feel is empathy.

OK, come on.

I really want to know.

What's your argument against empathy?

Pretty stumpy there.

All right.

It's completely enumerate, for a start.

Enumerate?

Yeah.

A genocide doesn't get as much airtime as one little boy

killed and hidden in someone's attic.

I see.

You're only feeling for Rachel, not Jake.

We saw her crying in our kitchen.

And we saw him crying in our kitchen, too.

He wasn't faking it.

No, no, he wasn't faking it.

Now, he's genuinely self-pitying.

Oh, God, I see you.

You don't want people with their heart in the right place.

You want them with their brain in the right place.

No, no, I heard.

If you have no empathy, then we are fucked.

I don't have to have experience something to have an opinion.

You do?

Yes, you do.

Yes, you do.

Jesus Christ.

God, you've never had it done to you.

You have cheated.

You have never been cheated on.

You will never know what it's like until it happens to you.

It's the only way you will understand.

Woo-hoo.

Crafty.

Please review.

Crafty.

Now, the cracker...

...ewgologically sound cracker's a cognitive misunderstanding.

Fuck!

Thats crazy!

Oh!

Come on, Thick.

It's an cooks' crack and do of cracker's crack and crack and crack and...

Oh God, I saw you.

Everybody in, force, fun!

Come on now!

Ready, one, two, three!

Fucking hell!

What are these made of?

Lino?

100% recycled!

He's got a cracker!

Oh my god!

Oh my god!

Oh my god!

Oh my god!

Oh my god!

Oh my god!

Oh my god!

I love pens, and I love pens!

Hold on, hold on, hold on, here we go, hold on!

Is your water too hot?

Your thermostaction needs to be set higher than 60 degrees Celsius!

It's a way to tell!

Come on then, a festive toast!

To me!

To you!

To Rachel!

To Rachel!

And to marriage.

To marriage.

To love.

To love.

To love.

Actually, I'd like to make this video.

Oh no!

I would just like to say Rachel.

No!

Yeah, Jay, how happy I am that you're both here tonight.

My oldest, crappiest friend, and his dear wife.

Shut up, you're making yourself conscious.

I can't believe that many, many years ago I wore this same waistcoat to your wedding.

And here you are today.

To marriage.

Only just.

Earlier than we know it's going to last, of course.

So I'd like to toast you in this, my wedding waistcoat.

It's a bit shiny, isn't it?

What are you talking about?

My wedding waistcoat.

Here, let me put on the wedding waistcoat, and I'll ring in my mouth.

I've got a hijacking my bloody toes.

To Rachel today.

Rachel today!

Can you just talk now?

You may speak.

That was a romantic weekend.

That's fantastic.

We decided again to ski in.

Last time I took a girlfriend to ski quite early on in the relationship, I might add.

Bold?

Yeah.

I fell all the way down a difficult run.

Bruised my chest very badly, and the bruises, the bruised blood,

gradually made its way down my chest until it collected in my penis, which turned black.

Oh, I'm kidding.

Oh, shit.

Finally, you had a big black car.

Well, I've never completely saved things.

So what is your case?

I really don't want to talk about it.

Oh, it makes a change.

It's an historic rape.

It builds me with weirdness just to say.

Oh, I have a bit of a problem with them.

Me too.

Why?

Well, if someone steals a watch off me ten years ago,

then I have to have some evidence.

But with historic rape, it seemed like anyone could have a go,

bringing it up now as an alibi for their failed life.

Oh, I'd love to have an alibi for my failed life.

You do, your penis.

Rape.

It's not very Christmassy.

Zala, right.

Rachel is a very brilliant prosecutor of sex crimes.

Oh, thank you.

Rape incest child sex abuse, you name it.

Wow.

The best fun I've ever had outside the bedroom is cross-examining defendants.

Well, that's what you did inside the bedroom.

Oh, I'm loving that.

Oh, God, in my experience, the victims are never completely innocent either.

I'm fed up with them.

They're all mad.

No smoke without fire.

They're like the weird bullied people at school.

Ed, that is outrageous.

No, I'm honestly losing faith in the whole system.

I don't believe in argument anymore.

I don't think we'll listen to argument.

Rationality, logic.

They just decide and that's that.

Oh, ignore him.

He's always like this when he's just lost a case or three.

The last three.

Well, how did they all mind this stuff?

What were the cases?

One, about a Tamil stabbing his wife.

He ran off to the Bahamas and he came back with a tattoo on his arm

and he said, they're forgiven together.

It all ends on which hand the alleged used for stabbing

and the angle...

Oh, stabbing, stabbing.

Oh, no, you're all right, Zara.

Oh, and he had a fucking long name which I kept forgetting.

So why didn't you just use the Tamil street name?

Because it was Psycho.

Now, a little bit prejudicial.

It always comes down to bone records with these crimes.

You know, they never turn their phone on.

You think they learn and they watch the wire.

These people with their chaotic fucking lines.

Says God.

I don't think I'm God.

Right, so you often think that could be me.

I do.

With the careless drivers, absolutely.

Less with the rapists and the gang-related stabbing.

You can say I and we when you're defending them.

It's not, it's them, isn't it?

Yes, it's them. Yeah, and so what?

We're not them.

That's why we're paid to argue for them.

Because they can't string two fucking words together.

Well, you don't feel for them.

Why should I?

Because you bloody pretend to.

Because it helps my case.

And you wonder why you keep losing.

All right, all right, tell me, why do I keep losing it

and why do you keep needling me?

Okay, Ed, do you want to know what I think,

being married to you for ten years?

Yeah, go ahead.

I'd just like to point out that I am holding a knife.

I think you've been doing this job for too long,

dealing with dishonest, violent and sexually odd people

day after day.

And that's just Jake.

Standing up and lying in front of people, it corrupts you.

Like all people who know they're clever.

You're actually slightly stupid.

Yeah, I've got a point.

You're so used to being adversarial,

you can't hear anything without immediately taking

the opposite point of view.

In fact, you've developed a skill for closing off your mind.

Should we just get the wall lost?

You know that pedantic logic that Barrister's used?

Why would you carry on living with your stepfather

if he raped you? It doesn't make sense.

The only time anyone uses that pedantic logic in life

is when they're denying having an affair.

What do you mean I'm shagging my clerk?

It doesn't make sense.

I'd be risking everything.

So, yeah, Ed, you've got skills.

You've got a hugely overdeveloped short-term memory.

You could become an expert on time mechanics

in a very short space of time,

but then you shed it like a skin.

Interesting user reptilian image.

Consequently, you have no long-term memory at all.

So?

So you conveniently forget anything you've ever done wrong.

Yeah, yeah.

Having no long-term memory is great kitty.

It means I don't hold onto grudges.

What are you doing?

I'm taking the moral high ground.

First off, what you call picky points.

You're looking for the ring of truth in a witness's account,

so you've got to test it,

and consistency is a hallmark of truth.

That's crap.

That logic only works in court.

You test people with logic,

but people act illogically all the time.

The mark of being human.

Inconsistency could be a mark of truth.

Hey, consistency could be a hallmark of lying.

You've got your story and you're sticking to it.

That's true.

If two witnesses give exactly the same account,

they're probably lying.

Yeah, and if any witness gives a very detailed, consistent account,

they're probably telling the truth.

Okay, let's play Truth or Dare.

Oh, God.

Oh, I love Truth or Dare.

No, the Hatgate. The Hatgate.

No.

Truth or Dare.

I fucking hate Truth or Dare.

Hey, let's start with Ed.

Truth or Dare.

Truth or Dare.

Truth.

Where were you at 3.15 yesterday afternoon?

I was at Chambers,

and then I went for a drink with Alex.

Hold on.

You only have one question, right?

I asked you on my phone when I called you.

Because it was on silent.

When did you notice that I had called?

About two hours later.

You're saying you didn't look at your mobile phone

for two whole hours?

Yes.

Tell the truth.

I have.

A day to tell the truth.

I have.

Well, that was weird.

We all get to ask questions.

That's right, you do.

Kitty, Truth or Dare.

Truth.

All right, Kitty.

You say that I've never said sorry to you.

Because you never have.

Have you ever really forgiven me?

No.

Well, now I know.

I've got a question.

Can we not play Truth or Dare?

No, I've got a question.

What happens if you don't tell the truth in Truth or Dare?

No, I'm doing myself my feet,

but now I'm going to take the moral high ground.

Please don't let us play Truth or Dare anymore.

It's fucking ghastly.

No, I want to go.

Kitty, what have you never forgiven Edward for?

For having an affair.

Guys, guys, guys, stop it.

It doesn't mean I'm having one now.

No, it means I haven't forgiven you.

What do I have to do?

All you have to do is say unconditionally,

I'm sorry, I was wrong,

but you just can't resist arguing back, can you?

So what do you want to do about it?

Make you feel what it's like.

I'll get it.

Ed, there's a woman.

She said she's here to see you.

Who is it?

I can't.

You're both here.

You're mates.

Sorry, can I help you?

You've been drinking, have you?

You want to go into the next room?

No, I don't want to go into the next room.

Why are you here?

What do you think? You fucked me up.

Wait a second.

No, no, no, you don't get to tell me to pause now.

And you, are you fucking useless?

Sorry, I'm sorry.

You weren't that right, because I'm sorry and all.

I think we should go next door.

Why weren't I allowed to say that he beat my mate up

when she dumped him?

He stamped on her thigh and broke it.

He was already on bail for that.

Yes, I'm speaking.

That's why I answered his fucking text,

because I didn't want him to come back and do me in.

But they told me I can't say anything about his past,

so I didn't get to say any of that.

I wasn't allowed.

You promised me I'd get to say all of that in court.

All I did was waste my time.

I was talking to that stupid woman with a stupid notebook.

Yes, and that's because he was that.

That was correct.

An application was made to the judge,

but it was decided that he would be tried on the facts

of the case alone.

What about me? What about bringing up my mental health?

A therapy.

You can bring my past into it, but not his.

How is that fair?

I didn't even want to go to court.

Oh, it's this interesting to you, is it?

This lot. These are your mates.

Would you like a drink?

She's your wife.

How long have you been with him, then?

Oh, it's so easy following you.

You never stop looking at your phone, do you?

I know where you live. You don't like that very much, do you?

Do you know what? Patrick Taylor knows where I live,

so now you know a little bit how that feels.

Look, unfortunately, Gail,

unfortunately, for you, we presume innocence

because better a guilty man goes free

than an innocent go to jail.

Why? Who says that's better?

The Lord, Christ.

Oh, fuck off!

Talking like you've got a cock in your mouth.

You don't look so happy now, babe.

I'll tell you that for free.

Look, an injustice took place.

You've been smoking weed.

Christ.

I can't believe it was in your hands.

He met me for the first time five minutes before

and then I had to watch you fight it out.

It was a fucking mess.

Well, it might have held

if you hadn't turned up drunk on the second day.

I understand.

Let me finish.

Look, the law, it's not going to work

according to your emotions, Gail,

because it's got to be dispassionate.

It's got to be impersonal.

But it's not about satisfying

your personal sense of outrage

because if it was, it wouldn't be fair.

And that is the whole fucking point.

So I'm not going to apologise

for the fact that I'm friends with him

and I'm not going to apologise

for cross-examining you.

You don't even know why I was having therapy to you.

No, I don't.

Because I was raped years ago.

Before Patrick T.

15 years ago.

Me and my little sister,

we were hitchhiking.

Two blokes picked us up

and took us into the woods.

We had done this side-by-side.

That's why I was having therapy 15 years later

because I was raped.

I had to have what was going on.

I'm so sorry.

Don't touch me.

Don't touch me.

Bloody hell, it's hot out there.

Oh, God.

Listen to this wind bag.

Phone records.

Frequent calls between one number and another

may tell you something of the relationship.

If there is a pattern of calls and then it stops,

it may suggest that the two are together.

If there are calls that don't get through,

it might tell you that the person doesn't want to be located.

Jesus, Byron.

I'll give him that.

Even the accused look bored in the dark.

Is he asleep?

Where were you?

With Michelle.

I called you.

Oh, sorry.

There's one silent.

Is there anything important?

The bedroom smells funny.

Does it?

Of what?

Football boots.

Oh, God, I said that months ago. You said I was imagining it.

There's a smudge on the wall

by the headboard.

Is there?

Or a stain.

Maybe it's a poltergeist.

Why have you been calling Tim?

I haven't been calling him.

Really?

Yeah.

I called Tim this afternoon and he didn't answer.

Why don't you answer your call?

Call him.

What?

Okay, I'll call him.

Now you call him.

Why not?

Because he's going to think it's fucking weird.

You're being fucking weird.

Tim, it's Kitty.

Oh, yeah, sorry to bother you.

I was just ringing because Ed thinks I'm having an affair with you.

Oh, well, sorry about that.

Okay.

You enjoy the cricket?

Take care. Bye.

It's him, isn't it?

What do you mean? You're being a prat.

It's him.

I looked at your phone.

It's empty. There's no text.

No call records.

I decluttered it.

There's a lot of wine left open from the other night.

We should check it out.

I haven't cheated on you for five years.

Congratulations!

What anniversary is that?

Creepy?

Oh, no, I forgot. It's Tim.

I'm guilty or guilty.

Either I've been cheating on you and I deserve punishment

or I cheated on you five years ago and deserve punishment.

Sorry, can we just run this past ourselves?

I've known him for nearly ten years. I've never fancied him.

He's been single that whole time.

Why would I start having an affair with him now?

Now that he's going out with Zara...

Why would I do it? I'd be risking everything.

It doesn't make sense because he saw his chance

and he fucking took it.

Fuck you, Ed. You're being fucking poisonous.

That's a really good one. The power of being offended.

It's sort of unalterable, isn't it?

Own up to your fucking feelings.

You're bored.

You don't have sex with me anymore.

I slipped myself in two for you and that fucking baby!

Don't you!

Why won't you give me another time?

When did you start sleeping with your back to me?

Why won't you ever face me in bed?

If you're doing it to hurt me, I don't get why you're lying.

Oh, I don't believe this.

He's one of those boring men.

I don't know where they made them, but there must be a factory somewhere.

Near fucking Norris.

I mean, why?

When?

When I was in New York.

Half the fucks I'd spit it out.

When do you think I would have had the time?

Why would I have done it? Where would we have done it?

Would you prefer Claes' question, Ed?

I wanted you to get my own back, didn't I?

I wanted to see if I could, isn't that right?

I'm finding all these arguments.

You wanted to do it, so you did it.

Okay, how about I wanted you to understand how it felt?

That is a miscarriage of justice.

Oh, well, I knew you were going to say that.

You're nuts.

No, I am not.

Are you serious?

You did it to punish me five years late?

Yeah.

No.

If you did it to punish me, why didn't you tell me?

I'm trying to understand it.

I'm really trying to understand.

Some kind of victim's justice.

Then why bother hiding it?

Because I feel guilty.

Why?

You're not in love with him, are you?

Well, that's fucked things up, isn't it?

That's not fair, is it?

You know what?

You haven't been here for weeks.

You've already gone.

That's why the bedroom feels empty.

He's stolen you.

Fucking thief.

Christ, I want to be sick.

I'm sorry.

That's it.

I'm sorry.

Head.

Head.

Head.

I put a thought in his head.

No, no, you put a thought in my head.

Please, let me...

I apologise.

I apologise.

It is too late.

I told her, if you're feeling confused,

then spending time apart

is not going to make you less confused.

She said, I've got no feelings that I'm cold,

that I see everything from an intellectual point of view.

I've got no emotions.

Christ.

I haven't cried like this since prep school.

Tin cunt.

I want to kill him.

With my bare hands.

I have these dreams where I'm shouting at him

and then I grab his hands

and I tear his fingers apart like that.

Has he actually left, Zara?

Of course he has.

Where's Kitty now?

At his place.

Or he'll steal my fucking child.

The fucking...

I'm not leaving.

I've told her she'll have to divorce me first.

I am not leaving the fucking house.

She can fuck off, she can sit in the fucking shed if she wants to stay.

She's left.

She's in love with him.

She can fucking fuck off.

If she wants to fight me for Leo, she can.

She won't fight you for Leo.

Christ.

I'm in love.

People use the word love like hit love.

Let's see how fucking great she feels about being in love

when I've got Leo.

Tell us what actually happened.

She can fuck off.

I can't seem to string two words together.

She came back.

She came back.

She was late.

I put Leo to bed.

I had this feeling.

She kept denying it and denying it like I was mad.

But finally she did.

She just let him speak.

Yeah, in the end she did.

Right, and then what happened?

Stop leading him.

She said that she's been having an affair with him

for the last two months.

Apparently it started after Christmas.

Apparently he asked her around to check out his poltergeist again.

Opportunist prick.

Using his poltergeist as a wingman.

Why?

Why did she and why Tim?

She wanted to make me see how it felt when I cheated on her.

Yes.

But then she fell for him.

She fell for Tim.

Tim, yes, Tim.

She's fallen for fucking Tim.

He's in love with him.

The fucking hamster.

They're in love.

They're in love with you for him.

She said she needed space to think.

And I said space to think where?

And she said Tim's.

Then I lost it.

I thought I was going to be sick.

I cried.

We said a lot more things.

We had sex.

Then she left.

You had sex?

I had no idea that she was leaving me.

Right.

Well, that's a good sign that you had sex.

Tension.

Is it?

Yes.

Take it from me.

Look at me and Rachel.

Kitty and I are nothing like you and Rachel.

Yes, you are.

You felt I didn't understand.

Fuck off.

You said you felt I had no idea how you felt endlessly.

So I do know how you felt.

And you did exactly the same thing as Kitty.

I did not.

You gave Alan a blowjob to teach me a lesson.

I did give Alan a blowjob.

That is cool.

Just like Kitty shaggy Tim, to get your own bags.

Nothing to be ashamed of.

It focused me.

And actually, I took it like a mat.

Even though I hear from Jimmy,

who walks in on them,

I came into the kitchen

and Mummy was drinking a man's willy.

Anyway!

Pointy is anyway.

Ed, Ed, we survived.

It's true.

It healed us.

It sort of felt fair.

An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth.

You can forgive when you know Alan's cock's been sucked.

Oh my God, is he all right?

Don't talk about him in the third person.

I feel like he's going mad.

I've never seen him like this.

The great thing is that this is what Kitty wanted.

She could see me now.

She wanted me to be emotional.

She wanted me to be jealous.

I only had sex with her because I thought

that's what she wanted.

I thought I was showing passion.

So, what happened?

I told you I can't put it into words.

It's very difficult to describe.

She got violent.

After we had said it,

she hit me in the face.

She kicked me in the shin.

She just went mental.

She stabbed me in the arm with a fork.

After you had sex?

What did you do?

Nothing. I tried to protect myself.

Why?

I said if she left me,

that I was going to take Leo.

That's when she said,

I raped her.

Jesus Christ.

I know.

Had you?

Of course not, Jake.

What do you think I am?

I'm worried about her mental health.

She had postnatal depression after Leo.

Did she?

People work themselves into a state

where they believe stuff.

Why don't you rape her?

Because she wants to hate me.

She wants to justify taking Leo in.

When you're having sex with her,

did you say no at any point?

It's all a bit of a blur.

It's a simple question, Ed.

Yeah, I suppose she did say no

a couple of times, but so did I.

I was crying.

I was saying no too.

I was going, no.

God, take it from me.

It was not rape.

I am not a violent man.

All I have to do is say no.

Did you ask her consent?

Of course not.

She's my...

It was non-verbal.

It was sex.

Didn't you want to have sex with Rachel

when she said she was going to leave you?

No, I was in a killer.

But I didn't. I controlled myself.

I actually broke this incisor, grinding my teeth,

trying not to hit her.

You know what he did instead?

He stamped on my foot.

Girl!

I thought we were making love.

Why is what she thinks the truth?

Because that's the door!

Ed!

Let me sum up. You knew she didn't want to.

She said she was leaving you. She said she was in love with him.

And then you have sex with her.

Without her consent.

It's a classic case of marital rape.

In that case,

in that case,

I suppose

you could say

technically I raped her.

Well, technically is what counts, isn't it, Ed?

I wanted her to see I cared.

Oh, so you fucked her, bollocks.

You're rubbing him out with your dick.

You're not kidding your anger. This is Tim!

Ed, this is crazy.

You're rational. You're intelligent.

Yeah, but if you're hurt enough, you become a criminal.

You're a criminal.

You're intelligent.

Yeah, but if you're hurt enough, you become stupid.

Okay, okay. You're a very intelligent

and in these particular circumstances

very emotional person.

Like me, I know exactly how you feel.

Christ! I laugh no fury like a man's scorn, eh?

There's a penis there.

Yeah, thank God you haven't got a penis. You're a fucking raped me.

It's unbelievably painful

when someone cheats on you.

I know exactly how that feels.

You're angry, you can't think...

It's not a reason to rape someone.

It's not a reason to rape her.

I love her.

Yeah, that's what a psychotic security guard says

before he bludges his girlfriend to death with a claw hammer.

On the other end of the spectrum,

Ed's saying bullshit.

Well, I am on Ed's side.

Well, I'm not.

Is she gonna use it?

Well...

If she wants to get technical by God,

I can get technical.

The violence, the regular assault.

Regular assault.

She hacked into my phone, that's a criminal act.

You hacked into her? No, technically I didn't have to.

There's no pin on her phone. Oh, for fuck's sake, Ed.

You're better than this. The depression.

Get it, not depressed. You cheats.

The fall. That's wounding me with intent.

And she kicked me with her shod foot.

A shod foot that is cast as a weapon.

Ed!

Roa, I don't know who she is anymore.

I don't know who she is.

It is best to put in an application first

before the other party.

He's threatening that he would be asking

for sole custody with me having

visitation rights.

We don't actually say custody anymore.

People have wrought over the badge.

The title. Child arrangements order.

Gastly. Right.

Anyway, on what grounds?

A mental instability. Your mental instability.

My mental instability. My violence.

My hormonal and emotional problems.

He's putting together a 60 page document

about my depression. What is he alleging?

Oh, it's laughable. I mean, things like when Leo

was a newborn, I left Leo in Sainsbury's

by the deli counter and drove off without the baby.

I just gave him birth. I had no sleep.

We laughed about it at the time. We laughed about it.

It's hilarious. It's ridiculous.

He talks about my inability to cope

that I was overwhelmed. I was bored.

I wanted to go back to work.

Who doesn't get depressed?

He is the one that's mad.

That's the fucking thing.

I can't sleep.

I'm on to Masapan. He can make the narrative plausible.

It's terrifying. He's a barrister.

He's what he does. He's a barrister.

Totally out of character.

When she was conducting the affair,

she was going out at night

to meet this man using a babysitter

who wasn't properly qualified.

It's an unstable relationship with an unsettled future.

She's putting her own interests ahead of the child.

I'm the better parent.

Sounds like classic narcissistic behaviour.

Yeah, I can't believe he's unnot mad.

Can I smoke in his electric?

This all started because he didn't want me to leave him.

He said I'd have to divorce him before he'd leave the house.

He was the one that brought up the word divorce.

Sorry. I'm so sorry.

What I'm trying to say is that

he is very, very angry.

He has a problem with anger.

Right.

He's very apart when a complainant

from one of his cases is an unstable woman

who I think had almost certainly been ready to kill herself.

She actually followed him

to our home on one occasion.

She confronted him.

She hanged herself.

He got very wrapped up in work.

That's when it all started to go wrong.

She never had boyfriends before me.

She's emotionally immature.

She's convinced that this relationship is deep

and lastly, it's not.

I think you should know that before I left,

you forced me to have sex with him.

The fact that she claims this

is a sign of her mental instability.

Right. He raped me.

I see.

Well, well,

I'm afraid it's quite hard

to make it relevant to the case.

You see, that's not damaging to the child.

It's also irrelevant to the finances.

Doesn't?

Right, but not really. As violence against you,

not the child.

It's the same with pornography, prostitutes,

marital bed, not regarded as damaging to the child,

unless it's child porn.

Sorry, you're saying

it wouldn't help my case?

Well, the view is the violence is not going to be continued

because you will have separated.

If you liked, you could press criminal charges.

Take it to a criminal court.

You may well have a case, but it does have a rather unfortunate

air of tit for tat.

There's also the question of why you didn't report it

at the time. Jesus Christ.

The divorce system doesn't give much of a feeling

of justice being done.

They give justice into their own hands.

Believe it or not, I'm on your side.

Thank you.

I went into divorce law when my marriage ended.

My divorce was becoming a full-time job,

so I thought, why not make divorce my full-time job?

What did you do before?

It was a crime.

This is insanity.

Look, when you go to court,

it just escalates everything.

It just rumps up the conflict.

It's a crystallization of the fact

that you loathe each other, which you don't.

And the cost of fucking fortune.

Kitty.

You'll have a criminal record.

Even if you're acquitted, his career will be fucked.

Why are you doing this?

Ask her.

I can't bear to see you do this to each other.

Let her fucking speak.

The reason I'm fighting you for Leo

is that you are fighting me for Leo.

No. Let's get this straight.

You're saying I raped you.

The only reason she's doing this is because

you're taking it to court, then it's very simple.

Don't take it to court. For fuck's sake.

I can't recognise the woman that's doing this to me.

I did not rape you.

You know that's not the truth.

It's my truth.

It's not the truth.

It's a world in which you're both telling the truth,

but that's not the law.

In court, your narratives are oil and water.

They can never mix, and one of you will win

and one of you will lose. Do you really want that?

Do you really, really want that?

Yes. Ed.

Seriously, apart from anything else, I think she's got a case.

I don't care if I lose, I want to fight her.

I thought you said you didn't want to go to court.

I changed my fucking mind.

You fuck another man,

and take my kid. He gets my kid.

Fuck off.

You let me have sex with you

so you'd have it as a weapon.

It's a weapon.

I'm hitting you in the face with your own cunt.

Look, stop.

Look, the thing that none of us is asking here

is, was it

actually a rape?

What?

I only mentioned she said no. You went ahead,

and therefore I'm afraid it was.

Yes, but when did she think it was?

When she needed a weapon afterwards?

I think Ed's got a point.

I'm so sorry. What did you say?

Well, none of us know what actually happened, do we?

I don't have to talk about this.

You are going to have to talk about it if you go through with it.

You may as well practice.

Fuck you!

He said he felt sick.

I was crying. We were both crying.

We hugged each other. He started taking off my clothes.

I said no. I was saying sorry.

No, you said I apologise.

He took off my clothes. He had sex with me.

And you had sex with me.

I said no. Serial died.

And so did I, in the kitchen, on the floor.

Because I couldn't maintain an erection.

Then afterwards I got up and put my clothes on.

I said I was leaving. He said if I left,

he would keep Leo.

So you stabbed me in the arm

with a fork

and said I'd rape you.

So what did you think it was?

Actually, I thought it was a mercy bar.

Yeah, I thought you were taking pity on me.

That's what people do.

Well, as far as I'm concerned,

calling that rape bankrupts the term rape.

As far as I'm concerned,

what you just said bankrupts the term rape.

How dare you?

You weren't there.

Tell me, I brutally raped you.

It wasn't rape until you needed it to be rape.

Don't you always say

there can't be degrees of rape.

Why made you rape me?

I've remeditated your rape. Jesus said no.

I'm not scars. I'm not traumatised.

No, I didn't fire you off.

You're pathetic.

I actually felt sorry for you.

But technically, you raped me.

Kitty, that is not fair.

OK, OK, OK.

You want to talk about things we've done when the other one said no.

You had an abortion.

I said no. You went ahead and did it.

You did what you wanted to do when I said no.

It's my body and I can do what I want.

Oh, it's a half baby.

You can fuck.

Fucking hang stuff.

If you say I raped you, I'll say you're mad because you are.

OK, yeah, if you say I'm mad, I'll just say you're mad

because you are fucking mad.

You're both mad. I've got fucking tinnitus.

Did she tell you that?

Did she tell you that she had an abortion

and she knew I was desperate for another child?

You already took your revenge.

Can't you see I'm controlling?

How manipulative he's being.

I'm only the only one aware of the ironies here.

Am I using Leo as a weapon?

You know that Leo is the only way to hurt me

and that is why you're trying to limit my access.

You're trying to limit my...

taking Leo away from me that way.

Don't get metaphorical in my face.

You can go back and forth like this,

adding for an item.

If you say we should start a line,

I will fucking hit you.

You took him away with you

four weeks ago

and I haven't seen him since.

Don't talk to me about limited fucking access.

Kit, is that true?

Do you blame me

after what he did?

There's nothing

more dangerous than self-righteousness, Kit.

Well, that's a bloody self-righteous thing to say.

I've said sorry

and sorry

and sorry will never be enough for you.

For someone who thinks the law is unfair,

you're fucking punitive.

You know, not being able to forgive

is every bit as bad as not being able to say sorry.

In fact, it is

not being able to say sorry.

Oh, yeah, that's right. Intellectual origami.

Oh, my God, I've not been. Intellectual origami.

I haven't hurt you.

You hurt me.

I know how it felt.

Satisfied. You got what you wanted, didn't you?

Yeah, I got what I wanted

and it went somewhere else.

I fell in love.

Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, now I know

what it's like to be you, Jake.

It is a fucking nightmare.

It is a fucking mess.

I made it a fucking mess.

Oh, God, it's the hamster.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine. Fuck off.

Fucking hamster.

I was worried about you.

Oh, sweetheart.

He's a fucking post. Shut up.

I want to stay out of this. So fucking go away.

Stay out of this.

Sorry, I hate you to rub. Did you pay for parking?

Yeah. Jesus Christ.

Oh, sorry.

There's no reason

we can get a fine on top of everything else.

You're not staying anywhere. Come with me.

No, I can't here.

We laughed about his B.O.

together.

I don't believe this. How did this happen?

You know who you remind me of.

Jake, your next ship is telling me

when you make love, you make love.

Look where your empathy's landed you in the pond

with fucking Jake. Guys, I would really appreciate it

if you could keep using me some kind of adultery yardstick.

Jake, it's a measure of a turd.

So I cheated on her once, years ago.

You know, that's why she's fucked you.

I need to get her own back on me. How does it feel

being used? Pretty good.

You think you're getting your revenge?

You're getting his?

I can't believe he's got you doing it for him.

He always resented me.

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife.

You know, mate, you sound desperate. We're good.

No, wait, wait. How do you think Zara

feels about all this?

Think about her for a second.

Where does she fit into all this? None of your fucking business.

It's just about winning.

I know him.

The minute he's won,

he will lose interest.

She still cares about me, or she wouldn't be

be punishing me. Revenge comes from a hot place,

not a cold. Which is why revenge

is a dish best eaten for you.

Oh, yeah.

She won't give you a child, you fuck. How do you think?

Because if she does, I'll fucking kill it.

Hey, what's up?

Guys, what the fuck is this?

Can you see what I'm dealing with here?

I mean, Leo has more self-control.

Fuck you, you fuck.

Tim, I think it's probably better if you did just that.

We just...

Why?

Why are you doing this?

I love you.

I'm in love with him.

Fine.

You want a fight?

I'll fight.

Look, I am...

I'm really sorry.

Where have you been?

For years.

I know it sounds mad.

I just had to make him see.

What's wrong with your face?

I just came out from the dentist.

I had a...

I had a...

I had a...

I just came out from the dentist.

I had an abscess.

You felt he'd never understand what it was like

to be cheated on until you did it to him.

Yeah.

You were punishing him.

I suppose.

You could have just slept with Tim,

and that would have been that tipped for tat.

You thought you were going to be very judicious.

Meet has a bit of retribution and be very fair.

I had no idea I was going to feel the way I felt.

What, so I done it?

No, you might have thought about that first.

So what was I?

You're collateral.

I promise you, it was not about you.

Yeah, not for you it wasn't.

It was for me.

For me, it was about me.

Not very fair.

No, I didn't realise.

You can't...

You can't legislate for...

for human behaviour.

I thought that's exactly what you were doing.

You can't help your feelings.

You can't help how you feel.

You, or do you mean me?

Both of us.

Yes, you can.

You have everything.

The house, the child, the husband.

Why him as well?

You're fucking greedy.

Oh, yeah, yeah, you aren't happy.

Oh, yeah, I remember hearing all about that,

how you didn't want another.

For me,

this is about a baby.

It's about a child.

And I don't buy it, actually.

Isn't it more that it's really annoying

when someone who's always fancied you

finds someone else at last?

And your sex life with Eddie,

and you told me how boring it was

sitting on his face for the umpteenth time.

But none of that fits in with your idea of yourself,

does it?

It sounds sort of petty, doesn't it?

We were trying

for a baby.

Yep.

I feel terrible.

What do you mean, terrible?

You don't feel terrible, you feel guilty.

What's feeling guilty?

Feeling sorry?

Sorry for yourself,

but not sorry enough to

stop.

He's still in his place.

Who is?

I wasn't asking.

Oh.

So now you've got

two houses.

We're selling it this one.

No, I was just wondering, where's your kid?

With a nanny?

The thing I don't understand

is why make all that fuss

when you pay for someone to take him off you anyway?

What the fuck am I meant to do now?

Just start again

and find someone else?

I don't know.

You've already got one, you twat!

Empathy!

You think you're so fucking empathetic

you are fucking ruthless.

Who are you to dole out judgment?

Oh.

I'm sure it was very restorative for you.

You know that you drive

every man you're with mad, Ed, Tim.

Ed

is in a real state.

Sorry?

Stop saying sorry, you keep saying sorry.

Stop saying sorry

and be a nicer fucking person.

I

dropped the charges.

Ed rang the app

and we had a long chat.

I told him all the things you told me.

What you said about his penis size,

the pass that your boss made at you,

the time that you snogged

that Australian in the car park at the wedding.

Oh.

Yeah, good.

Yeah.

All that stuff we chatted about.

I thought it was relevant.

Yeah.

Oh, shut up will you!

An apology has to cost something

or it isn't an apology.

If it doesn't make you sorry,

then you're not sorry.

That is why we punish people

to make them feel sorry.

According to you right,

you forced them literally to empathise with you.

You're unhappy so you make them unhappy.

You were unhappy

so you made Ed unhappy.

Big.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It would just

really help me

to know why.

I don't know why.

You're letting yourself off the hook.

When you boil an egg,

the structure of the molecules change.

The egg doesn't know

why it just becomes a boiled egg.

I'm not justifying myself.

That is

exactly what you're doing.

Every time you speak,

you justify yourself.

What's the voice

in your head

at the supermarket?

I don't know.

What about all the arrangements?

The logistics of it,

the texting,

the timetabling.

Your mind was a blank

during all that.

It takes a lot

of organisation.

I know.

What were you thinking?

I wasn't thinking anything.

There was no narrative.

She was the one cheating on you,

not me.

You were cheating on me.

On our friendship.

We're not friends,

you hate me.

And I hate you

slightly more.

Morality is not a mate,

you learn.

We only feel shame when we're witnessed.

Sometimes, not even then.

But we witness ourselves.

Jake's

kid

has just started

getting into dragons.

That's what he's joined now.

And nights.

When I was at school,

I got into trouble

for putting down the Christmas decorations

in the classroom.

The paper chains.

I got carried away with the feeling.

Ed

is going to help me out.

This is what I need.

I'm running out of time.

I can't fuck about.

You don't want another one, do you?

You don't want it any more.

He's doing a good thing.

Don't worry.

I don't fancy him.

It's fair, isn't it?

Yeah.

I suppose it is fair.

What's that smell?

What smell?

It's aftershave.

You're aftershave.

Yeah.

Kitty gave it to me.

It's the same as mine.

You smell like me.

He said it would be him.

What?

Ed wants this for his flat.

We never did decide where to put it.

Do you want it?

No.

I can't.

I can't.

I can't.

I can't.

I can't.

I can't.

I can't believe how expensive carpal boxes are.

I thought they were free.

Yeah.

Kristoff, you don't want to get paint on it.

Oh, right.

Well, he's done a great job.

Funny light this time of day, isn't it?

Bold must have gone.

When are the viewing?

Next week.

We'll take this off then.

Oh, God, why aren't you going to throw it out anyway?

Oh, God, why aren't you going to throw it out anyway?

Oh, God, why aren't you going to throw it out anyway?

It's not quite, put the edges together.

What's the matter?

I heard about Tim going back to Zahra.

Yep.

Well, I'm sorry.

Don't talk shit.

Well, at least she'll get her baby now.

God knows what it'll look like.

Smell like.

B.O., probably.

I felt sorry for you.

No, you didn't.

Yes, I did.

I was sorry for you.

Can't forgive you.

He came in, fucked us up, then left again.

I do know what you must feel like.

I know what it feels like now.

I know how much it hurts.

Really?

Yes.

You did what?

Thanks.

Hey, we did well.

What do you mean?

We did well, even to achieve this.

I know what you mean.

I'm sorry.

What?

I said I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

What are you doing?

I'm saying sorry.

Forgive me.

Oh, get up.

Please.

Get up, for God's sake, get up.

Please forgive me.

Stop it, please.

Why?

Because.

Why?

Because you're making me feel sorry for you.

Forgive me.

Fucking forgive me.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.