Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult (1994) - full transcript

(CLOCK CHIMING)

(BABY CRYING)

WOMAN: Hey, look! It's the President!

And the Pope!

Yee-aah! Yah!

Ooh-la-la-la-la-la!

MAN: Oh, my God! Look!
It's disgruntled postal workers!

(CLICK)

Wait a minute! Give me my baby back!

Aah! Aah!

- Frank! Are you all right?
- I'm soaking wet.



- I'll get the talcum powder.
- No, I had a nightmare.

There was crime all around me.
I couldn't stop it.

- It was just a dream.
- You're right.

All I need is a good rest.
In the morning everything'll be fine.

(DOGS WHINE)

How's my little boy?

Getting along okay, sweetie?

As well as a heterosexual can in prison.

I don't know how much longer
I can take it.

- How's Tanya?
- Tanya's the same.

Milky, creamy skin, pouting red lips,

firm buttocks, ample breasts,

ears you want to stick your tongue into.

Ma! I'll get guy cramps!



Sorry. Rocco, there's somebody here
to see you.

Papshmir.

My people are very upset.

They're always upset.
They're Arab terrorists.

Ma, please.

You're supposed to be
the best terrorist bomber in the world.

Stations, stores, government buildings...

The devastation in Florida.

- That was Hurricane Andrew.
- That's what they told the public.

We wanted to embarrass
the United States,

and you made the police
look like international heroes.

A first-class job costs 5 million.

If you want to step up to the price,

I got a target that'll make City Hall
look like chicken feed.

That's a big target, but why should
I think anything would be different?

$5 million buys me.

- I'm breaking out of here.
- All right,

but fail this time
and my people won't be so forgiving.

Fail? Show me one man
who can stop me.

I used to be a renegade

I used to fool around

But I couldn't take the punishment

I had to settle down

Now I'm playing it reaI straight

And yes, I cut my hair...

PA: Attention shoppers. Be sure
to check out our speciaI on aisle 7.

It's hip to be square...

PA: That's aisle 7.

Hey!

Give it to me!

LADY: My purse! Somebody help me!

THIEF: I want the purse, lady.
LADY: Help me!

He's a jolly good fellow

For he's a jolly good fellow

Which nobody can deny

Hear! Hear!

Well, we shot a lot of people together.
It's been great.

But today I retire,
so if I do any shooting now,

it'll have to be within
the confines of my own home.

Hopefully, an intruder and not
an in-law, like at my bachelor party.

Well, Ed.

- I officially give you my gun.
- Aw...

And my badge.

(WHIMPERS)

And...

Jane and I would like
to keep the handcuffs as a souvenir.

- Oh, gee...
- Cheer up, Ed. This is not goodbye.

It's just I won't ever see you again.

Oh, Frank.

LADY: My purse! Somebody help me!

THIEF: Out of the way.

Lieutenant Drebin! Frank!
Didn't you see that?

What? Oh, yes. Kitty litter.

Two bags for a dollar. Great.

Order. The jury will disregard
that statement. Continue, Counsellor.

Alimony had been set by the court.
Right, Mr Clayton?

Yes, but...

But not once have you paid
alimony to my client,

repeatedly defying a court order.

I lost her address.
She moved twice, I couldn't keep up.

Don't lie to me. You're under oath.

Do you know the penalty for perjury?

(BABIES CRYING)

I'll ask that again.

Objection! Your Honour, I... ow, ow.

Jeez!

- Counsel is leading the witness.
- Sustained.

(GAVEL POUNDS)

Sweetie, Mommy said no pounding
when she's in session.

Please read
the prosecution's last statement.

"Don't lie to me. You're under oath. "

- (BURP)
- There.

"Do you know the penalty for perjury?"

That's all I have, Your Honour.

You may continue, Ms Spencer-Drebin.

Er... prosecution rests.

Defence,
Ms Davis-Jacob-Steiner-Laszlo?

No further questions, Your Honour.

Court will recess until
after the morning feed.

(SQUEAK)

We're gonna win this. I can feel it.

Yes. Of course.

I married the wrong man.

I never thought that was possible.

- I beg your pardon?
- Oh, nothing.

Louise, there's no such thing
as the wrong man.

You just have to work at it.

Now, let's see. Mr and Mrs Drebin, right?

Now, you two have been married
for six months?

Yes. We really appreciate
you seeing us, Doctor.

You were recommended
by our last therapist.

Yes, I was sorry
to hear about his suicide.

You know, I feel it's important
to get off on the right foot

and not get caught up in blame.

Now, which one of you is impotent?

- That would be him.
- Yes, of course.

- Why don't you ask who's frigid?
- That would be him, also.

- How do you know? You're never home.
- He resents that I work.

He has no idea what a woman wants.

You're so insensitive.

- Is this the toilet seat thing?
- It's babies, Frank.

I want to have a baby. Whenever
we make love, you get a headache.

I'm not a piece of meat, Jane. I'm trying.

I've got ointments, lotions,
creams, books,

things that vibrate.

- Frank!
- Maybe it's your fault.

Have you tried sexy lingerie?
Some lacy underwear, a black teddy?

I've worn them all. They don't work.

Oh.

Why don't you want a child?

Didn't I try to adopt
that 18-year-old Korean girl?

Jane, Frank, here's what I suggest.

Make tonight a special night.

Dinner, wine, romantic music.

Put on the 24-hour
Johnny Mathis station.

Just be Jane and Frank, lovers.

We haven't had a night like that
in a long time.

- Not together.
- Frank?

Jane...

Having a baby is a big responsibility.

It's like being in charge
of sanitation at a Haitian jail.

I'm just frightened.

Frank, let's make tonight
something special.

Oh, honey,
it's just that I love you so much.

My little lover sparrow.

My puppy-wuppy wover.

My little love biscuit.

My little shnooky-wookums.

My little lady cheesy puppy.

Mr and Mrs Drebin, please. I'm diabetic.
I think you should go now.

I never thought we'd end this way.

How did you think we'd end?

I don't know.

Some other way.

Oh, Jason.

(CRYING)

(DOORBELL)

Ed! Nordberg! It's been a long time.

Hiya, Frank! You look terrific!

Thank you.
The little woman got me a Thighmaster.

Where are my manners? Come on in.

How charming!

Sit, sit.

Excuse the mess. It's my ironing day.

I just frosted some cupcakes.

- Would you care for one?
- Oh, not just now.

Frank, we have a problem
with a terrorist threat.

- Police Squad is certain...
- I'd love a cupcake.

- That coffee smells great.
- I grind my own beans.

Frank, the reason we're here
is that we need your help.

It's great!

I hoped you'd like them.
Made them from scratch.

I'll just get off my feet.

We may have a lead on a suspect
in the City Hall bombing attempt.

These were taken
by a news photographer.

- This girl was the diversion.
- We had them enlarged.

They look familiar.

No, the pin, she's a nurse.

Can I keep this one?

We traced her to the Karlson Clinic
on Myrtlewood.

- She's Tanya Peters.
- Tanya Peters?

- You know her?
- Don't you remember in the 1970s?

The big disco shoot-out.

(STAYIN'ALIVE PLAYING)

Well, you can tell
by the way I use my walk

I'm a woman's man, no time to talk

The music loud, the women warm

I've been kicked around
since I was born

But it's all right, I'm OK

You may look the other way

We can try to understand...

Ed, what's happening, my man?

Frank, we missed you last night
at the fondue party.

I went to see the Village People.
They're a stone soul gas, man.

- I can dig it.
- What have we got here?

One dead disco dancer.

Bummer. What a mindbender, huh?

We think it was a love triangle.

This is the suspect's girlfriend,
Tanya Peters.

Cigarette?

Yes, I know.

Well, we'll need a statement
from you down at the station.

Nordberg!

Coming, Lieutenant!

I do remember.

You were one of the first test cases
for minoxidil, weren't you?

- What?
- I'm glad I could help.

Now, I've got some lamb
to put in the oven.

We need a favour.

It's not that big a roast, Nordberg.

No, not that, Frank.

We need you to go undercover
at the clinic.

Whoa! I've given up police work, Ed.

You're whistling up
the wrong neck of the woods.

- We're in a bind, Frank.
- What about Hedges and O'Malley?

They're in Hawaii. Together.

Well, I can't. Jane and I
have a special evening planned.

You'll be home in time to make dinner.

I'd have to make pork chops.

Frank, think of all the crime out there.

Nobody is safe.
You'd be protecting Jane.

You'd be protecting
all the Janes of the world.

And you haven't shot anybody in months.

That's true.
Funny how you miss the little things.

Might be good to feel
that cold, hard steel

pressed against my thigh once again.

The thrill of the chase, to be a man.

After folding the laundry,
I went to the Karlson Clinic.

It's always important to have a disguise

and this operation was no different.

I had no idea if Tanya
would recognise me,

so I slipped on a fake pair of glasses

and combed my hair differently.

The plan was to get in,

get information about Tanya's
link with the bombing,

and get out as quickly as possible.

I figured faking an old football
injury would do the trick.

- Can I help you?
- I'd like to see a doctor, please.

Sign in here, please.

- Do you have an appointment, Mr...
- Er, Smith. No, I don't.

Take a number.

Six.

- What?
- Is six taken?

Does it have to be between 1 and 10?

You'll be called.

Thank you.

Mr Smith?

We've had a cancellation.
We can take you now.

Good morning, Mr Smith. This way.

I really appreciate
your seeing me like this.

I'm sure it won't take too long.

When did you notice the problem?

Uh, in the back yard with my uncle.

In the back yard with your uncle?

Yes. When he comes over to visit,

we like to go in the back yard,
throw it around for a while.

What did you and your uncle find out?

I can't keep up with him.
Mine hurt, especially on the long ones.

I can't seem to straighten it out.

It has no feeling. It's kind of numb.

I may have yanked it too much.

- If you would.
- For what?

- A sperm count.
- In here?

It's not exactly the back yard, but it'll do.

Well...

(ZIP)

(SHOUTING AND YELPING)

(GLASS BREAKING)

(ZIP)

Follow me, and we'll do
the necessary paperwork.

Sign these at the bottom
and leave them with the nurse.

- This way, please.
- What?

- Number 17.
- Oh, no.

- A problem?
- No, no.

- This is 17.
- Have we met before?

If you'll excuse me, I'm next.

Ooh! Aah!

Agh! Eurgh!

- Sir?
- Aah!

Mr Smith, how are we doing?

(SHEEP BLEATS)

I've been busy.

- Do you want a videotape to help?
- Do you have Dances With Wolves?

Rocketeer? Lady And The Tramp?

An adult movie.

Hmm...

Ooh! Aah! Yeow!

The tape was very entertaining.

Follow me.

Do you have Spartacus?

PA: Maintenance. Clean-up, room 7.

Maintenance. Clean-up, room 7. Stat.

- What are you doing?
- Just freshening up.

You should look your best
even though you're by yourself.

Are you sure we've never met?

Here's my cup. Back to work.

- Knocking.
- Mr Smith?

- Are you okay in there?
- I could use a little help.

PA: Dr Rosenblatt,
foreplay in room 7, please.

Dr Rosenblatt.

(ROMANTIC MUSIC)

Honey, I've been waiting all day.

I'm wearing the nightgown
you bought me for our honeymoon.

Tonight's going to be special.

I'm going to make love to you
for hours and hours.

Wouldn't Mr Happy like that?

- Hours?
- Like our first time together.

Jane, why don't I soak in the tub
for a couple of days?

Possibly a week.

You're so cute.

Let me go get the oysters and clams.

Walk my way

And a thousand violins

Begin to play

Or it might be the sound

Of your hello

That music I hear

I get misty

The moment you're near

You can say

That you're leading me on...

Here.

I'll shave your back like last time.

Jane, I really don't think we should. I...

Frank! What's this?

I fell on a rake.

You're lying.
Now I know why Ed's been calling.

- You're back on a case, aren't you?
- No, I swear. It's another woman!

In your wildest dreams!

It's bad enough not having a baby,
but I warned you about Police Squad,

you white Anglo male!

Jane! Ah! Jane!

It was nothing, Jane.
I was doing Ed a small favour!

Some retirement. I'm leaving, Frank.

I never thought
you'd go back on your word.

- Aren't you being hasty?
- I don't think so.

- (DOORBELL)
- That's my cab. I'll be at Louise's.

Oh, Frank, how could you?
We need time apart to think about us.

I'm not going to think.
Why start now? I love you.

Look, baby, I am what I am
and I do what I do.

A few guys make shoelaces,
some lay sod,

some make a living neutering animals.

- I'm a cop.
- Pretty speech, Frank.

But my mind is made up. I'm leaving.

All right.

Then take this with you.

You know how my lips feel about things.

(DOORBELL)

Goodbye, Frank.

RADIO:You're listening to KSAD,
all-depressing, all the time.

Here's a dedication to Frank from Jane,
who just called from a taxi.

"Frank, you Iying weaseI-weenie.

"First you shoot blanks,
now you're letting all the heat out... "

He said he'd never go back to police
work. Once a cop, always a cop.

- He's married to his work.
- You'll always come in second.

There was an article in Cosmo,
"Why all men are pigs".

"Frank" is just another word for loser.

I never want to see him again.

I want to get as far away as possible.

We'll go to my friend's cabin
by the smelting plant.

The fresh air will do you good.

Go easy.
That's your second bottle of Chanel.

You're witnessing the beginning
of a new Jane Spencer-Drebin.

No more little miss perky,
devoting her life to one man.

I'm out for the new me.

Let's burn rubber.

- Didn't forget anything, did you?
- I hope not.

Just calm down, ma'am. How many
bodies did you find in your pool?

Sir, killing a gang member's
only an $18 fine. Just mail it in.

Frank! Glad you could make it!

- Welcome, buddy.
- Nordberg.

Did you find Tanya's address, Frank?

I wrote it on a hanky, and I can't
remember what I did with it.

- I'm getting a bit rusty.
- It could happen to anybody.

I brought you
some of Frank's never-fail fudge!

You go on about your business.

I'll stay out of your hair.

It'll be...

Frank, let me take that.
We've got a surprise for you.

It's in honour of your 30 years
on the force. Nordberg.

Oh, boy. This is really great.

Thank you, guys.

We thought it might cheer you up.

We heard about you and Jane.

Jane, Jane. That name
will always remind me of her.

Frank, I feel really bad about all of this.

If there's anything you need.

Dr Kevorkian's home phone number?

Nordberg, put it together.

- Frank, you know we're here for you.
- Thanks, Ed.

Well, look who's here.
Hi, Frank. Nice to see you.

- I've got that data on the bomb.
- What did you find out?

The explosive is a very fine powder.

- It tastes like...
- That's fertiliser. Another case.

This is what I'm talking about.

We detected a high quantity
of nitroglycerine.

- Can you tell us where it came from?
- I'd be glad to.

Billions of years ago,
the Earth was a molten mass...

Ted, I'm talking about the powder.

We don't know about that.
Let me take that urine specimen.

We found a list
of the bomber's plans at the scene.

On a hunch, we analysed the paper.

- And you got something?
- Yes.

The paper's from Statesville Prison.

- Are you sure?
- Positive. We analysed the wood fibres

and found them to be from
the rare Canary Island pine,

which grows only in Oregon.

Contacting paper mills in that area

led us to a distribution centre
in Tacoma.

Unfortunately, the trail ended there.

- How'd you trace it to the prison?
- Right here on the letterhead.

After comparing handwriting
of every known bomber

serving a stretch in Statesville,

we came up with a suspect.
Rocco Dillon.

He's masterminding the bombings
from inside the prison.

There's only one way to find out
where Rocco will strike next.

We have to send someone in there.

- I'll do it.
- I wouldn't feel right about that.

If Rocco thinks you're a cop,
you might end up dead.

"You might end up dead"
is my middle name.

What about Jane?

I don't know her middle name.
I need the action.

I'm going inside the big house.

Frank, Ed.
I think you might want to see this.

We're testing out a prototype
for an anti-carjacking device.

We'll see how it works.

Get out!

Don't make me... Argh!

We call it the Denver jockstrap.

After being retired for six months,
I was finally back in action.

Faster than saying "spread 'em",
I was in Statesville Prison.

I was surrounded by pimps,
rapists and murderers.

It was like being in the stands
at an LA Raiders game.

It was going to take all my police
experience just to stay alive here.

(BELL)

After a long and generous cavity search,

I reached my destination,
Maximum Security,

home of some of the most
violent sociopaths in the country.

And the worst of them all, Rocco Dillon.

GUARD: All right, in here.

Ain't no prison yet could hold me.

Attica! Attica!

Power to the brothers! Kill whitey!

Kill whitey!

PRISONER: Knock it off!

You're chirping loud for a new canary.

Keep flashing the big eyes
and I'll rotate your jaw.

Hey! You know who you talking to?

The man is Rocco Dillon.

- Where's your prison number?
- It's unlisted.

Just call me Nick "The Slasher" McGirk.

Look, I'm the muscle in this pen.
Just stay out of my way.

You just watch your step, McGirk.

Take it from me,
this place changes a man.

Yeah? How?

I used to be white.

I was the drummer for the Osmonds.

Screw with me, he'll make you
feel pain like never before.

I know. I remember the Osmonds.

(BELL)

- Better hit the rack, McGirk.
- In a minute.

First I'm gonna make a list of who
I'm gonna kill in the next few days.

GUARD: Lights out.
Lockdown in two minutes.

My dearest snooky wookums
dumpling buns,

I miss you so much.

I haven't hurt this bad
since the last time I was dumped.

I remember it well.
Her name was Gabriella.

We were supposed to be married,

but on the day of our wedding,
she never showed up.

I was heartbroken. I figured
she had fallen for another man,

someone who could do to her
what I never could.

I thought my life was over
untiI that one glorious day.

That was the day you became my wife.

Our friends gathered
to celebrate our love.

It seems like only yesterday.

We were all so overjoyed.

I remember wishing
we could take everyone with us.

That was the happiest day of my life.

I remember the plans we made.
Things were going to be so perfect.

We got that housekeeper
you always wanted.

Hi, Mr D. Hi, Mrs D.

And I knew that eventually
our dream would come true.

One day we'd have
our own Frank Drebin Jr.

ROCCO: Shut up.
I'm trying to get some sleep.

Nah, it's no use.
She'll never come back.

(GROWLS LIKE A LION)

You shake my nerves
and you rattle my brain

Too much love drives a man insane

You broke my will, but what a thrill

Goodness gracious,
great balls of fire!

I laughed at love
cos I thought it was funny

You came along
and moved me, honey

I changed my mind,
this love is fine

Goodness gracious,
great balls of fire!

Bend over and pick it up for me,

would you, lover?

No problem.

Rocco could tell
from my escapade in the shower

that I was well-endowed with courage.

Now I had to get on the inside.

Like a blind man at an orgy, I was
going to have to feeI things out.

(WHISPERS) Tyrone, I got the escape
plans right here. Just you and me.

- Burnett wants in.
- Burnett's one of the guards!

I know, but he's unhappy here.

All right, all right. Whatever.

Got it all worked out right here.

What's this?
Another letter from your mommy?

- That's private!
- Let's see what we have.

- Give the man back his letter.
- Buzz off, butter cheeks.

What's so special about a little letter?

Wait a minute. An escape plan!

This is your ticket
to another 20 years, Dillon.

If the warden gets one look at this...

Hey! You call this slop?

Real slop has got chunks in it!

This is more like gruel!

And this Chateau le Blanc '68

is supposed to be served slightly chilled!

This is room temperature!
What do you think we are, animals?

ALL: No!

What are we?

Homo sapiens?

You're right! We are men! We are men!

ALL: We are men!

We are men!

We are men!

We are men!

Left hand blue. Whose hand is that?

Come on, son. You can do it.
Eat some beans!

(CLANG)

You saved my bacon, McGirk.
I'd be in solitary if you hadn't done that.

I've been watching you.
You handle yourself good.

- "Really well".
- Whatever.

I got something big on the outside.
I could use you in my gang.

- Dental plan?
- Full coverage.

- What's the caper?
- First we bust out.

Thanks to you, we still have
our escape plan. Let's have it.

- It's a good plan.
- I've had better.

Listen, I've got a fool-proof plan.

They got Tyrone.

Can't... Can't we all just get along?

Now that Tyrone was in solitary,
it was just me and Rocco.

He had to trust me.

'Shh! Hold on.

(WHISPERING) Okay.

I convinced Rocco to dig a tunneI.

It was that or go out in a laundry truck.

The thought of Iying nose down
in skid marks

didn't leave a good taste in my mouth.

Disposing of the dirt
was a problem I solved

early in the construction.

Apart from some chafing,
we made good progress.

We kept digging.

Dummies gave the impression
we were still in our cell.

GUARD: Lights out.

There was more dirt than I thought.
Disposing of it was becoming tricky.

Safe!

Ninety-nine bottles of beer
on the wall

If one of those bottles
should happen to fall

Ninety-eight bottles of beer
on the wall

Ninety-eight bottles of beer
on the wall...

Where are you going?

- Are you thinking of Frank again?
- They're playing our song.

I understand. Take your time.

- Hello there.
- Excuse me.

I'm hauling a load of rice cakes to Big D.
Coming with me?

No.

- How about a kiss?
- No.

When a woman says no,
she means yes.

- How about that kiss?
- Yes.

No? I know your type. Come on, baby.
We're two of a kind.

Oh, my God! You killed him!

It was an accident. Call the police.

Come to your senses. You killed a man.
You're a hero to every woman.

We have to call Frank. He'll protect us.

Frank is a man.
He'll see you locked away forever.

Jane, I want to join you, to help
you kill as many men as possible.

Yipes!

Louise, do what you have to do.
I'm calling Frank.

TRUCKER: Oh, boy, did that hurt.

Be home, Frank. Answer the phone.

- (TELEPHONE PICKS UP)
- Frank!

ANSWERPHONE: Hi, this is Frank.
And Jane.

BOTH: We're the Drebins. We're not
home right now so leave a message!

FRANK: Which button is it?
JANE: Not that one!

(DIAL TONE)

"Tanya"? It was another woman.
Frank wasn't lying.

"Honeymoon Bay Road. "
I bet they're alone there now!

Frank!

Cell inspection.

There's been a rumour
of a possible breakout.

If we suspect anyone
of attempting to escape,

they will be punished severely.

Once word of the escape was out,
we headed for the tunnel.

The last few feet were dug on the run.

Another 47 yards would
take us beyond the prison walls.

May he rest in peace,
in the arms of our... Jesus Christ!

ALL: Amen.

FRANK: Rocco had arranged
for a car to meet us.

After making a slight adjustment

we arrived at the rendezvous point,
a Los Angeles city high schooI.

Hey, that was close.

Hey, Rocco, who's the old hag?
She take one in the face?

She's my mother.

Mrs Dillon. Your son is a ruthless,
sadistic, cold-blooded animal.

- You must be proud of him.
- I am.

I want you to meet a real square egg,
Nick "The Slasher" McGirk.

There's fresh clothes in the back.

Rocco's mom was quiet. I felt
she didn't care for me coming along.

Like a midget at a urinaI,
I was going to have to stay on my toes.

Hey! Stop!

Oh, Frank.

It wasn't my fault. That cow
shouldn't have been in the road.

Hurry up. You're letting the flies in.

- What do you think?
- Great setup.

No phone, miles from the nearest
town, Playboy channel. Perfect.

Nice digs. But I'm here for the action.

What is it? Bank, armoured car, payroll?

You're getting
a little bit too nosy, McGirk.

Relax, Ma.

- She's itching to use her new gun.
- I know the feeling.

It was Tanya.
That bathing suit was never happier.

I had only a second to admire the view.
I had to watch out.

If she made me as a cop,
I'd be tonight's meat loaf.

Come here, sexy.

You're all woman.
I could tell by looking at you.

Hey, she's referring to me.

I was talking about your mother.

MOTHER: That's no way to be
walking around. Get some clothes on.

And what are you doing
in my bathing suit?

Hey, who's the stud?

Meet the newest member of our gang.

Slasher McGirk, meet Tanya Peters.

Wait a minute.
Don't I know you from somewhere?

I smelled cop on him
the minute I saw him.

I get it all the time.
It's the underwear ads.

- Are you saying you're not a cop?
- Well, yeah.

- That's good enough for me.
- Me, too.

All right. I'm glad that's all cleared up.

Ma, why not kiss and make up?

Well, all right.

Now that's more like it.

Uh! Ow.

FRANK: I had to get
a message to Police Squad.

This was more than I could handle.

No phone, miles from civilisation,

my prospects look bleaker
than a gerbiI's in a bathhouse.

Who's down there? Slasher.

Have you seen my pigeon?

- Pigeon? What pigeon?
- What are you doing?

I'm just contemplating my next move.

Your bishop is exposed.

It's these pants.
I usually wear a fuller cut.

You're all man. I like that in my men.

You're coming on to me big-time, sister,

but we got a problem.

- You're Jewish?
- No. You're Rocco's girl.

In my book, that chapter's
called "Look, But Don't Touch".

I could have two lovers.

Kinky. But I like my sex
the way I play basketball,

one-on-one,
with as little dribbling as possible.

Oh, you're tense, Slasher.

Well, I could relax more
if I knew about tomorrow.

You wouldn't know anything
about that, would you?

All I know is it's downtown and big.

That's the way I like it.

- What else?
- Just this.

What are you doing?

Thank you for the advice.
I'll try that recipe, Miss Peters.

How could you?

Just shove your tongue in
as far as you can.

Oh!

Quiet. You don't know me here.

That's a goodbye kiss, sister.

What's all this? Who's the skirt?

Just some dizzy dame. Probably broke
down. I'll take her to the bus depot.

Hey, she's married.
What if her husband comes looking?

- He must be a great guy.
- He breaks promises.

Look at you, traipsing all over,
just to spite him.

- He left me.
- You left him.

- You should talk.
- Listen to you.

- Listen to you.
- Listen to you.

- Listen to you!
- Listen to you!

Jeez, you two, knock it off!

- You'd think you're married!
- What'll we do with her?

One thing's for sure.
There's no room for her here.

- I say we bump her off.
- Let's plug her here.

I've been on a job where I'd have
given my eye teeth for a hostage.

We know women
make the best hostages.

They're small, easy to move,
eat less, smell nice.

Yeah, we got us an insurance policy.

Good thinking, kid.
Now, let's get some shuteye.

We got a big day ahead of us.

All right, it's rigged.

Watch the tower, Slasher.
This is what'll happen tonight.

Hey, aren't we far away?

Oh!

ROCCO: All right, pay attention.

On that tower's a device
that's gonna net us 5 million bucks.

We're gonna detonate it this evening

at an event that the whole world
will be watching.

- Your crowning achievement.
- It's for both of us, Ma. All set!

Set!

Very impressive.

Heh-heh-heh-heh. Cool.

Heh-heh-heh-heh. Cool.

America will be brought to its knees
by this terrorist act.

This will be more embarrassing
to the US than Tonya Harding.

We're almost there. I don't wanna
miss this. Regards to Mrs Qaddafi.

Tell her thanks for the cookies.

PA: It's a beautifuI night in Los Angeles,

and the stars are shining bright
for the 66th Academy Awards.

Fans are clamouring to see
their favourite celebrities.

It's Weird Al Yankovic and Vanna White.

Put the dame in the trunk. I'll meet
you and Ma round back in 10 minutes.

Got the passes?

If we pull this off, it's 5 million big ones.

Not bad!

- What's going to happen to me?
- I have an idea.

Right, Slasher. You know what to do.

Check the tyres and fluid levels.

No, you muffin head, the dame.
We hit trouble, she's a bullet shield.

PA: Ladies and gentlemen, to present
the lifetime achievement award...

Roll tape. Go to clip. Aspirin, please.

Go to three. Ready, four.

This year's lifetime achievement
award winner's credits

include some of the greatest moments
on celluloid.

Films such as
Sandals And Loincloth, 1958,

Sweaty Boatmen, 1959,

The Leather-clad Centurion, 1960,

and his first colour feature in 1966,

Big Shiny Spears.

Okay, there's the man
from Bryce Porterhouse.

He guards the envelopes until
they're handed out. He won't budge.

You know what to do.
Distract him so I can plant the bomb.

PA: Accepting the award for Mr
Broncowitz is Margaret Redfeather.

That ought to do it.

You'll never get away with this.

Rocco will kill you, whoever you are.

Frank Drebin, Police Squad.

- Isn't that a unusual?
- It's happened before.

- Here's the plan.
- You'll never stop Rocco.

- Your chances are one in a million.
- Better than any state lottery.

I'm the good guy.
I can't let the bad guys win.

Our children can't be raised in fear.

They're going to blow
that place sky high.

It'll be a tragedy.
Unless it's during a dance number.

Come on.

Does that radio work?

(SPEAKS ARABIC)

Call Police Squad.
Tell them Frank Drebin...

(SPEAKS JAMAICAN)

Forget it.

(UPPER CLASS ACCENT)
I wonder what the devil he wanted?

- Hold on.
- Frank Drebin, Police Squad.

- Yeah, and I'm Robert de Niro.
- Mr de Niro, we must get inside.

You and 10,000 other people.
Move along.

- Movie stars only.
- Come on.

I've got a better idea.

Cue talent.

PA: To present the award
for best supporting actress,

Mariel Hemingway and Elliott Gould.

Thank you.

The nominees
for best supporting actress are,

Mary Lou Retton, Fatal Affair.

One woman's ordeal
to overcome the death of her cat,

set against the background
of the Hindenburg disaster.

(POPPING)

Morgan Fairchild, Final Proposal.

One courageous pioneer woman's
triumphant victory over bulimia,

set during the Donner Party crossing.

(POPPING)

(CLEARS THROAT)

(POP)

(MUFFLED SCREAMS)

Sorry about this,
but it's official police business.

Shannen Doherty, Basic Analysis.

One woman's triumph
over a yeast infection,

set against the background of the
tragic Buffalo Bills' season of 1991.

Thank you, Sheriff.

Still no word of Frank or Rocco's gang.

I'm worried.
He should have called by now.

(BEEPING)

Let me just check your tickets.

- Lovely gown. Is that Cool Whip?
- Uh-huh.

Tim and Erica Brown.
Okay, enjoy the show.

Let's see, Vanna White
and Weird Al Yankovic.

Okay, enjoy the awards.

And three.

And Florence Henderson,
Analysis Of A Proposal.

- Rocco could be anywhere.
- Where could the bomb be?

- The winner is...
- This is going to be dynamite.

- Jane!
- Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

FRANK: Florence Henderson
is going to win!

- No! The bomb's in the envelope.
- You're right!

And the winner is...

Argh!

Mary Lou Retton for Fatal Affair.

Yes! Yes!

Sorry. We were rooting
for Florence Henderson.

We must get those envelopes
before they open any more.

Yes!

I never realised there'd be so many.

They added 75 new categories.

"Best actor in a Columbus movie"?

PA: To present the award
for best director,

RaqueI Welch and the host of
his own talk show, Phil Donahue.

That might be the envelope
with the bomb. Keep looking.

One more second, Mr Donahue.

Oh, my God! Look at Donahue!

DIRECTOR: Stop the stairs, Joey!

Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen,
it's my pleasure to present...

What the hell?

- RAQUEL: Jesus!
- Go to commercial.

Easy, now. Talk to me.
What happened, Ma?

Slasher is Frank Drebin of Police Squad.

That lousy, two-bit, copper punk!

I treat him like my brother,
the one I didn't kill.

- He might find the bomb.
- Not if I find him first.

PA: Back from commercial
in five seconds.

Hurry with the mike and cue Donahue.

(FEEDBACK)

Read the card, moron.

"Well, RaqueI, this certainly
is a speciaI evening. Phew!

"I can barely catch my breath.
Turn it over to RaqueI.

"I'm used to being out of breath... "

What the hell?

"Hold for laughter and applause. To PhiI.

"Gets me out of breath just watching.
To RaqueI... "

I read that.

"But let's get to the subject
at hand. Pick up the envelope. "

The nominees for best director are...

Sir Richard Attenborough for his musical

on the life of Mother Teresa, Mother.

Food! I love food

And I'm really in the mood

For a big corn dog or pupu platter

Two ding-dongs,
have some tuna helper

I'll be racing back for more

But don't add any salsa
cos I'll blow chunks on the floor

Ooh

Ooh

Yahoo

Spike Lee, X ll, The Merchandising.

Nordberg, look!
That's Frank at the Academy Awards.

- How'd he get tickets?
- Nordberg!

That's where Rocco
is going to strike next.

He's planning to blow up
the Academy Awards.

- We've got to go.
- We're not invited. We're cops.

It's for you.

Nordberg, Police Squad. Hello? Hello?

Henderson, see about this phone.
I think it's broke.

RADIO: And now, today's
lucky lotto numbers.

Get your tickets ready,
12, 22, 18, and 9.

And for his tale of genetics gone
haywire in a retirement community,

Steven Spielberg, Geriatric Park.

(COUGHS)

The winner is...

RaqueI, just a second.
I just had a thought.

Christ!

This show is being seen
all over the world.

If we could send good thoughts,

transmit them through these cameras,
to the leader of China.

Wing Wa Woo Tong,

so that they might finally be nice.

Thank you.

And the winner is...

RaqueI, so many
go to bed hungry in this nation.

Yet, cat food's full of tuna.

I can't help thinking
each time I go to the zoo

and see those porpoises
crammed into tiny tanks,

what a waste that is.

Butcher half of them now.

Hundreds of pounds of dolphin meat
that could be fed to cats,

freeing up that tuna
for our nation's hungry.

- And the winner is...
- So many are cold,

shivering in the night.

I say take those cats and skin them.

Use their fur to keep hundreds warm.

Jesus, Phil!

And the winner is...

Give me that!

Ohh!

- Not one move.
- That barrel's cold.

It's room temperature.

It's okay. It's not the bomb.

Jane?

Jane?

(POPPING)

Jane?

- Silver hair.
- About 6'2".

Looked like Phil Donahue.

- That's the guy!
- Get him!

PA: Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome internationally
renowned singing star, Pia Zadora.

You're walkin' along the street

Or you're at a party...

There he is! Stop him.

Excuse me. Isn't that snot on your shoe?

MAN: I'll stay here. You check the wings.

.. that this could be
the start of somethin' big...

Oh, no! Not him again? Please, God.

Who knows what's written
in that magic book?

But when a lover you discover

At the gate, my friend

Invite him in
without a second look

You're watchin' the sun come up

Or countin' your...

Grab him!

I'm Ed Hocken. This is Officer Nordberg.

- We're here to prevent a disaster.
- You're too late.

You're watchin' the sun...

Frank!

Or countin' your money

Or else in a dim cafe

You're orderin' wine

Then suddenly there he is

You want to be where he is...

Come on, Nordberg.
We've got to get Frank.

.. the start of somethin'

This could be
the heart of somethin'

This could be
the start of somethin'

Big

Ohh!

Jane!

Jane!

I knew I'd bump into you.
I want answers, cherry cakes.

- I love you.
- Wrong answer.

I dropped out of the
sap of the month club.

Listen, you've got one last chance.

And I don't mean a major league
baseball Steve Howe last chance.

- Where is Jane?
- I don't know.

- Where's the bomb?
- In the Best Picture envelope.

Mr Drebin, I want to go straight.

I'm tired of the lies.

Kiss me. Please kiss me.

I've never kissed lips so innocent,
so pure.

He looked like Phil Donahue,
white hair...

- That's the guy!
- I'll get him.

PA: Ladies and gentlemen,
to present the Best Picture award,

two most distinguished actors,

Olympia Dukakis and James Earl Jones.

Lord, what's that?

Looks like Phil Donahue
throwing up in a tuba.

I don't think we should have
Phil Donahue back next year.

Thank you. Good evening.

It's a privilege for us
to present the finaI award...

We've been worried about you.
Where's Rocco? Where's Tanya?

- Sit down. Take it easy.
- Thank God you're all right.

Indecent Instincts
and Sawdust And Mildew.

Every one of these movies
was a box office hit, except for one.

- What's that?
- The Best Picture award.

My money's on Sawdust And Mildew.

Olympia, would you do the honours?

Oh, my God! That's the one!

The award for this year's
Best Picture goes to...

Wait!

Oh!

Sorry about this.
Loved you in Coneheads. You, too.

Let me open this.

(BEEPING)

It's the bomb!

Freeze and nobody gets hurt!

Well, from now on.

Back in your seats, you little weasels!

This programme's been interrupted.

Don't panic. Stay with it.

Camera 2, move in on the old lady.

Better move back.

- Don't move!
- MA: Now, pay attention!

I don't want to kill nobody
unless I have to.

Drop your guns and kick them over here.

That bomb belongs to me.
Hand it over, Drebin.

You want to kill him, Ma?

Blink and I start shooting.

FRANK: Give me that gun!

- Oh, my God!
- I'm not falling for that, sister.

I'm not well! Get this stupid thing off me!

Ohh! Ohh! Ohh!

- Ma!
- She's a goner, Rocco.

Dead. Then that's it.

I'm coming with you, Ma!

Pull out the bomb or I'll shoot the dame.

All right. I'll do what you say.

- Frank!
- Don't harm her.

You pull out the bomb
and you'll kill me anyway.

- Yeah. No dice!
- Then I'll plug her.

- Shoot her, I'll empty the envelope.
- Frank, think about it.

It's all right. You'll be dead.

Then you'll kill everyone here.

Yeah.

I'll shoot if you don't do as I say.

Jane?

I'd be safe, so would everyone else.

- But you'd be dead.
- This is complicated, Rocco.

Logically, you're psychotic, so you
have the envelope, I'll have the gun.

- Frank!
- I know what I'm doing.

All right!

Here's your Best Picture! In front
of the world, this place is going up.

Well, if I'm going out,
I'm going out happy.

Wait. Before we're all blown up, can
I get my underwear out of my crack?

- I got to go comfortable.
- Okay, but that's it.

- Give it up, Rocco. You're history.
- Look, George Hamilton!

Come and get me, Drebin!

Throw me a gun!

Get rid of the bomb!

Hold on, sweetheart.

Frank, help!

- Frank.
- I know what I'm doing.

JANE: I hate heights!

Ohh! Oh, no!

Move it, sister!

Screw the commercials!

All right, copper, you killed my ma!

I'm taking the dame away from you.

You hear me, copper?
One push and Mrs Drebin is linoleum.

Get a camera up there.
This could be my best work.

Any last words before I throw you off?

- Yes. Don't do it.
- Anything else?

Frank, I love you.

I want the world to know
you're the perfect man.

Frank, I hope you can hear me.

They said I couldn't do drama.

I was wrong. Taking you away
from Police Squad was a mistake.

I know now that's why you
couldn't perform decent sex.

I realise that now, and other things.

Everything's under control.

Nobody move!
Any vibration may set this thing off.

Frank, I've learned my lesson.
And though it may be too late for me,

I want all you ladies
to remember something.

Don't ever take your men for granted,

because good men
don't just fall out of the sky.

Aah!

He's caught up in the cable!
Do something!

I'm coming, Ma!

Rocco?

Papshmir?

Jane...

- I never want us to be apart again.
- Oh, Frank!

You like me. You really like me!

- Frank, slow down!
- Hurry up!

Relax. There's time.

- You got the camcorder?
- Here. Which room?

Delivery room. This must be it.

Jane, I'm here. Frank is here.

Push! Here it comes now.

Breathe, honey. Breathe, Jane.

One more push. That's it.

Congratulations, Dad. It's a boy!

Nordberg!

You come back here!

- Frank, it's a boy.
- I know!

You're walkin' along the street

Or you're at a party

Or else you're alone
and then you suddenly dig

You're lookin' in someone's eyes

You suddenly realise

That this could be
the start of somethin' big

There's no controllin' the
unrollin' of your fate, my friend

Who knows what's written
in that magic book?

But when a lover you discover

At the gate, my friend

Invite him in
without a second look

You're watchin' the sun come up

Or countin' your money

Or else in a dim cafe

You're orderin' wine

Then suddenly, there he is

You want to be where he is

And this must be
the start of somethin'

This could be
the heart of somethin'

This could be
the start of somethin' big

You're watchin' the sun come up

Or countin' your money

Or else in a dim cafe

You're orderin' wine

Then suddenly there he is

You want to be where he is

And this could be
the start of somethin'

This could be
the heart of somethin'

This could be
the start of somethin'

Big