NEMR: No Bombing in Beirut (2017) - full transcript

♪♪

[John F. Kennedy]
The energy, the faith,
the devotion

which we bring
to this endeavor

will light our country
and all who serve it,

and the glow from that fire
can truly light the world.

And so,
my fellow Americans,

ask not

what your country
can do for you.

Ask what you can do
for your country.

[applause]

♪♪



[applause]

[cheers and applause]

Los Angeles,
what's goin' on?

How are you guys
doin' tonight?

[cheers and applause]

♪♪

Lebanon,
what's goin' on?

[cheers and applause]

♪♪

Do we have any Lebanese
people in the house?

Anyone from Lebanon?

[cheers and applause]

This is fantastic.

Enough to start
a Civil War.



Be very careful--
more than enough.

Do we have any Americans
in the crowd tonight

by any chance?

[cheers and applause]We've got some
Americans?

We've got some...

What's your name?

[Taline]
Taline.

What's that? Taline.

Taline?
What's your last name?

Annihilated? [laughing]

Chameleon?

[applause]

What's your name?

Taline Anilian,
you know?

[laughing]

Like Kardashian-- no.

It's Karda-shee-an.
We know the truth!

You cannot tell us.

I meant American-American,
not I got the passport, dude.

I'm from
the war American.

American!

Do we have any
American-Americans
in the house
tonight?

[applause]
Anyone?

Any Todds, and Larrys,
and Jennifer, and--

over there.
Hello. [Melanie]
Hi!

Hi. You-you-
you can sit.

I see you.
High five.

What's your name?

[Melanie]
Melanie!Melanie-Melanie--
M-Melan-Melanie.

What's your last name,
Melanie?

[Melanie]
Well, my maiden is Carol.

Carol-- Melanie Carol,
two first names.

She's the devil.
Don't trust her.

[laughing, applause]

Don't trust her.

[Melanie]
My married name
is [indistinct].

Oh, you married
a Lebanese man?

[Melanie]
I did.I'm so sorry for
your loss but welcome.

Welcome to the show. [applause]

I grew up
in San Diego, right?

But when we were ten--

when I was ten years old,
my family,

we came back to Lebanon,
and let me say this.

Growing up in America,
as a kid,

is the greatest place
to grow up in the world.

There is no better place
to grow up in the world

'cause you can do anything
you want as a kid in America.

You can do anything.

You-you can play
Nintendo.

That's all I did,

but you can do
anything you want.

[laughing]

Like, for real,
even to this day,

we know this.

We don't have electricity
24 hours a day in Lebanon.

So, imagine back in
1993, little Nemr.

[laughing]

I'm ten years old.
I just came back
from America.

I'm playing
Super Mario Brothers.

I'm winning
'cause I'm American.

I'm the greatest.
That's my attitude.

I'm in the dangerous part.

Do you guys remember the
dangerous part of Super Mario?

You go down the pipe.

[ominous harmonizing]

[laughing]

[ominous harmonizing]

You go up the pipe.

[upbeat harmonizing]

I'm running.

[upbeat harmonizing]

I get
to the stairs.

[upbeat harmonizing]

I jump off.
The flag is there.

[upbeat harmonizing]

[laughing]

It just-- it cuts--
you're just like--

you're like what?
There's a rage.

You're like,
you know, no!

You just-- you see,
a lot of people blow up

in the Middle East.

[laughing, applause]

And this is why.

[laughing]

It's a different--
there's a different existence

if you grow up
in Lebanon.

It's weird.

Culture shock
is an understatement.

Let me explain it
to you.

Like, here in America,
you guys don't even know.

You get gas pumped
to your homes here.

In Lebanon, we hook up the gas
in our homes ourselves.

What we do is,
we get these trucks.

Real--
they're not really trucks.

They're more of
an intention of a truck.

[laughing]

And we pack this
vehicle with lots

of highly pressurized
gas canisters,

and we wish for
the best, really. [laughing]

We hope--
we put our hope in God.

That's what we do,

and we send this weapon
of mass destruction

through the villages
with a megaphone

announcing its presence,
and when we hear it,

we send our kids
to go get the gas.

[laughing]

Because
if you're Arab,

95% of the motivation
for you to have children

is free employees.

It's really
free employees.

Don't pay dental,
no social security.

You send a child. [laughing]

The child
then grabs the gas,

and we hook the gas
ourselves.

We get a tube.

We connect it
to the gas.

We wrench it in.

But here is what the Lebanese
people do that's so gangster.

To test if we've
connected it correctly,

we get a match.

We light...

[laughing, applause]

We-we-we light
a flame of fire.

We put it
to the connection.

My mom was like,
"If it explodes,

"you didn't do it
correctly.

[laughing, applause]

I'm like,
"Thank you, mom.

"This is fantastic.
This is amazing."

It's a different place.

And if you grow up with Arab
parents, it's bad enough.

But you grow up with
Arab parents
in the Middle East,

it's a-- it's a di--
you have no childhood. [laughing]

It's over.

If American parents wanna
tell their kid, "No,"

and Arab parents wanna
tell their kid, "No,"

the way they say, "No,"
differs greatly

between the two cultures.

If you have Arab parents,
and they wanna say, "No,"

they're going to make you
feel like all of the problems

of the world
are because of you. [laughing]

Everything wrong in
everyone's life is your fault.

They will make you
feel so bad

that you will never
ask for anything again,

like all of the problems
of the family

are because of you,
the financial problems,

your aunt who get--
can't get pregnant.

[laughing]

Everything--

they'll bring in
regional conflicts

from other areas--
wars because of you--

so that you never ask
for anything again.

They-they--

let me give you
an example.

Let me give you
an example.

If you're American,
and you want a bicycle,

you go up
to your parents.

"Mom, Dad, can I
get a bicycle?"

"No, Jeremy, you may
not get a bicycle."

[laughing]

"Why?"

"Because you snatched
the apple from Amy's hand

"without asking,
'May I have the apple?

"Time out.'" [laughing]

First of all,
as an Arab,

there's no such thing as
time-- to me, black out.

Immediately,
it happens.

You wake up, like,
three hours later.

You-you have a bruise.

You're like, I must have done
something to deserve this

because my parents
are just and honest.

They would never do this
if I didn't deserve it.

You ask the same question
to Arab parents.

"Can I have a bicycle?"

It varies greatly.

It's like, "Dad,
could I get a bicycle?"

[laughing]

"The situation in Syria,
right now"...

[laughing]

"Very volatile.

"If you"-- they always
give you hope.

"If-if you don't die
in two weeks,

"maybe we can buy you
a bicycle.

"But, if you die,

"we will have thrown away
the money,

"which we need
for your funeral."

[laughing]

"Because funerals
are very expensive.

"Yes.

"So, now,
what happens?

"You're dead.
We have good funeral.

"Then we come--
let's eat.

"We open the fridge.
There is no food.

"Why is there no food?

"Because you want to ride
on the bicycle."

[laughing]

"It's okay.
It's okay.

"I will go work.

"I turn on the car.
There is no gas.

"Why is there no gas?"

"Why? It's okay.
Leave me alone.

"Why is there no gas?" [laughing]

"Because you want to ride
on the bicycle!"

"Now, we are hungry.

"It's okay.
Now, we are hungry."

[laughing]

"Because you want
to ride on the bic--"

[laughing, applause]

And they're never
satisfied.

Arab parents never sat--
they're like Asian parents

on steroids.
There's nothing--

if you have
Asian parents,

you get good grades,
you're good.

You're Arab parents--
nothing you do

is good enough, nothing.

You could win the gold medal
in the Olympics.

"W-why-why did you
not win the diamond?"

[laughing]

"Like, dad,
there is no"--

"Really? No diamond?

"No diamond?"

"No, Dad,
there's only"--

"Really?
No diamond?

"Okay, no diamond.

"No, no, no,
it's okay.

"It's okay.
No, no diamond.

"So, you're saying
your father is a liar." [laughing]

"You're saying--
no, no, it's okay.

"You're saying your
father is a liar!"

[laughing]

"You're saying
your fath"--

[laughing]

When I told my dad I wanted
to be a standup comedian,

he wasn't very enthused
at the suggestion.

I was like, "Dad,
I've decided I'm gonna--

"I'm gonna leave
the family business..."

[chuckles]

"To be a standup comedian."

He's like, "Oh...

"You want to become
a clown?"

I was like, "No, dad,
standup comed--"

"Oh, you're going to
stand up and be a clown.

"Great, great."

No, I'm like,
"No, dad."

He's like, "No."
Then he called my mom.

"Hiam!
Hiam, come, come.

"Come say hi to your son,
the clown.

"Come."

[laughing]

She was like,
"He's your son, too."

He's like,
"I-I don't have a son."

[laughing]

It's done.

You don't understand
the dedication.

For, like, eight years,
he bought a horn.

Every time I would come
to the house, "Everybody!"

[horn sound, laughing]

"Everybody,
the clown is here.

"Open the door
for his big show.

"Everybody!"

Until last year,
I made it on the cover

of "Rolling Stone"
magazine.

He's like, "This is
my son, the comedian."

[laughing]

"I always told him
follow your dreams."

[laughing, applause]

And he can't even
pronounce it correctly.

He's like, "And now,
he's on the cover

"of 'Throwing Stones.'"

[laughing]

I'm like, "Dad,
that's the ISIS magazine.

"That's a different
publication, father."

[laughing, applause]

I want people
to come to where I grew up

and experience
the glory--

the glory of
the Lebanese father.

They'll have the same phone
for, like, 15 years.

[laughing]

They get--
they're proud.

You get a new phone.

"Look at you buying your--
I have this phone for 15 years."

[laughing]

"Fifteen years,
look how good it is."

[laughing]

"Hello! Hello?

"Charge it.
It's dead, the battery."

[laughing]

I never forgot.

I got my dad an iPhone
a few years ago.

Got him an iPhone
for his birthday.

I was so excited.

I give him the phone.

He looks at it.

He's like,
"You got me a mirror?

I don't"-- [laughing]

"No, dad,
it's a phone."

"Really? Really?
It's a-- really?

"It's a--
they're-- what?

"And no button? What?
Do I shout at it?

"What do I do?"

I'm like, "No, dad,
it's a touchphone.

You touch the phone."

He's like--
he throws the phone. [laughing]

I'm like,
"What's wrong?"

He's like, "33 years,

"I touch no one
but your mother.

"Now, you want me"-- [laughing, applause]

I'm like, "Dad,
it's a phone.

It's a touch--"
I show him how use it.

He was so amazed.

He's like,
"These Americans."

Like, it's-it's made
in China,

but, sure, okay.
What?

[soft laughter]

I teach him how to
use the phone.

We go through the ritual,
which I think is universal,

where you have to help your
parents choose the ringtone.

Takes about two and a half
to three hours on average.

[laughing]

Cycle through every--
"This is-- oh, no, go back.

"No, this one
was good.

"Oh, this is nice.

"Hiam, do you remember
this song?

"This was--
can we put it on CD?

"I like this.
Put in the cart."

[laughing]

Until we finally decide
on the default ringtone

that comes
with the iPhone.

[laughing]

But it's okay.

I won't have to do this
for another 30-40 years.

It's fine.
He's my dad.

What's important
is, he's happy.

I leave the house.
I get in my car.

I'm driving away.

I'm like,
you know what?

I wanna call my dad,
first phone call.

So, I-I pick up the phone,
and I call him.

It rings.

No answer.

[laughing]

As an Arab,
if you call a loved one,

and they don't answer,
it-it-- they're dead.

This is what it means.

It's not our fault.
It's our moms.

That's--
they overreact.

"Let me call my son."

[phone ringing sound]

[click]

"He was such a good boy.

"Ahh!"

Start wearing black.

You come back home.
"Hello, mama."

"Oh, I'm gonna
kill you!"

[laughing]

I was like, Nemr,
push down the Arab side.

Bring up the American.

Relax.
You got this.

I waited, like,
ten minutes.

Called him, again.

He didn't answer.
Now, he's dead.

There's no way.

Say, there's no
possible reaction.

There's no other--

So, I-I start driving back
to my dad's house,

calling constantly,
ringing, ringing, ringing.

In my mind, I'm like,
what do I--

my mom wasn't in
the country.

I was like, do I tell
mom dad's dead? [laughing]

I get to
my dad's house.

I get in front of the door,
and I'm like, Nemr, take--

just every guy
has to go through this.

Be a man.
You'll mourn later.

I put in the key.
Took a deep breath.

I opened the door,

and I saw my dad
standing in the hallway

just sweating from
head-to-toe,
holding the phone.

I'm like, "Dad,
why aren't you answering?"

He's like, "What is
this piece of garbage?"

And throw-- like,
"What's wrong?"

He's like, "It tells me
slide to answer.

"I'm doing this,
and this, and this."

[laughing, applause]

"What am I?
Michael Jackson?"

Just lost it. [laughing]

I want people to
experience the reality

of our existence
over there.

Do you know that in Lebanon
you have to learn Arabic,

English, and French?

[cheers and applause]

Don't cheer it.
It's horrible.

It's atrocious.

When I first went
to Lebanon, I was like--

I was like, what,
ten years old.

Get there
to learn French.

We had this teacher.
I'll never forget her.

Her name was
Miss Josephine.

[laughing]

Miss Josephine--
and Miss Josephine believed

that the best way to teach
somebody a language

was to speak
only that language,

and then magically,
like "The Matrix,"

we would suddenly
communicate.

[laughing]

So, like, three weeks
into the class,

I forgot her name.

So, I didn't know how to
raise my hand and ask,

"What's your name,"
in French.

Miss...
[speaking French]

I didn't know
how to ask it.

So, I look around,
and this kid raises his hand.

He's like,
"Miss, je fini."

And she goes over.

I was like,
J'Alfini, Josephine.

Je fini means I'm finished,
but it sounded like Josephine.

[laughing]

So, I raised my hand.

I was like, "Miss J'Alfini,"
and she comes over.

I'm like, "Hey, uh"...

[speaking in foreign language]

Cuatro, Cinco, seis.

Uh, je understand
[indistinct].

And she's like,
"Ra-ra-ra-ra-ra-ra."

And she walks way.

And I'm like, what's wrong
with Miss J'Alfini?

This is... [laughing]

so mean.

So, the next day,
I'm paying attention.

I'm like, maybe her name
isn't Miss J'Alfini, right?

[laughing]

I'm paying attention,

and a kid raises
his hand.

He's like,
"Miss, je fini."

She goes over.

And I'm like, clearly,
there's a connection.

So, I raise my hand.
I'm like, "Miss-- Miss J--

Miss J--
Miss J'Alfini."

And she comes over.
I'm like, okay.

I'm like...

[speaking in foreign language]

She's like, "Ra-ra-ra-ra,"
and she walks away.

I'm like, what's wrong
with Miss J'Alfini?

So, I turn around
to my best friend.

He was my--
he's still my best friend.

We've been best friends
for 22 years.

You all have
this best friend.

He's the best person
in your life,

and he's also the biggest
asshole that you know. [laughing]

That's my friend,
George.

I turn around to George.

I'm like, "George, is her
name not Miss J'Alfini?"

He's like,
"No, no, it is."

[laughing]

"It is. You're just
saying it wrong."

I was like,
"I'm saying it wrong?"

He's like, "Yes, you have
to say Miss J'Alfinnni." [laughing]

"What? Nobody is
saying it that way."

He's like, "Nemr, you-you
see, 'cause you're new."

"In the French culture,
if you're new--

"new means nouvelle.

"If you're new, you have
you to put an emphasis

"whenever
there's a little 'n.'

"And then, over time,
when you become friends,

"you can drop the emphasis,
thus signifying

"that you are now
on friendly terms."

I was like,
what a fascinating culture

these French people have.
This is amazing.

And I felt bad.
I've been brought up right.

I don't disrespect.
So, I raised my hand.

I wanted to make up
for the disrespect.

So, I was like,
"Miss J'Alfinnni."

[laughing]

And immediately,
two things told me--

there were
two red flags.

First, her body language
was highly aggressive.

And second,
George was like...

[chuckles]

These two things told me
something was amiss.

She walks right up to me.

I didn't even get
a chance to ask about...

[speaking in foreign language]

She walks
right up to me.

I'm like, "Miss Je--"
She slaps me through my soul.

Like, it was--
if this was a Japanese cartoon,

she would have
had a name.

[speaking foreign lanuage]

It would've been amazing.

I was-- I-- this was
first experience.

I was like,
"Ahh! Ahh!

"Child abuse!
Child abuse! Child"--

Everyone was like, "What?
What the hell? What?"

I'm like,
"Child-- call 911.

"Somebody call plus
9-6-1-1-9-- whatever.

"Just call 'em."

[laughing, applause]

And she looks at me.
She's like...

[speaking in Arabic]

Which means
get out the door,

but I was like...
[speaking in Arabic]

I don't want to go out
with a whore.

What kind of-- what kind
of punishment is this?

[laughing, applause]

So, she slaps me, again.

Pulls me out of the class.

My principal comes.
He looks at me.

He's like...
[babbling]

I'm like,
"Are you the whore?

"Because this is not--"

[laughing, applause]

So, he slaps me, again.

Makes me sit in
the corner on my knees.

Makes me kneel in the corner
and then calls my parents,

which, on a scale of terrible
things you can do as an Arab,

is, like, way up there.

Like, literally, if you
were rank and file it,

it would be like, uh, uh,
don't eat your mom's cooking,

throw back
the slipper at your mom,

don't do your homework,

bring your parents
up to school.

That's like the worst
thing in the world.

My parents come up.

My own dad forgets
that I don't speak Arabic.

[laughing]

Starts shouting
at me in Arabic.

[shouting in Arabic]

What? I, uh--

[shouting in Arabic]

It was--
it was terrifying.

My mom, she grew up
in England,

so she's not psychotic.
She comes in.

[laughing]

"Why-why did you--"
She's crying.

I'm like,
"Why are you crying?"

"How could you
do this to--"

I'm like,
"What are we? Refugees?

"Woman, relax."

[laughing]

"Why did you call her
Miss J'Alfini?"

I'm like,
'cause it's her name.

It's her name!

I called her by her name
to get her attention!

She's like,
"It's not J'Alfini, Nemr.

It's Josephine."

I'm like, "J'Alfini,
Josephine,

"it's the same thing." [laughing]

Does anybody
get my name right?

Never. They never--

is it Nemr, Namur,
Nemr, Namur, Nem-Nemr.

I don't get to hit 'em. [laughing]

I make an approximation.
I go for it.

[laughing]

But now I'm back here,
which is weird.

Coming back to America
as an adult,

if you've lived
in the Middle East,

is the weirdest ever.

Did you know that,
in America, you have--

like, you must-- like,
you have to stop
at a red light?

Did you know this?
This is insane.

We all know, in Lebanon,
it's purely optional.

[laughing]

It's a suggestion.

It's there in case
you need it.

Maybe you've had a bit
too much to drink.

Follow the light. [laughing]

In Lebanon, you--
the gov-- it's like

you've been through
18, 19 wars.

You can make this
decision for yourself.

[laughing]

It's a suggestion.

[laughing]

It's a sug-- if you're
looking for guidance.

It's like the lines
that separate the lanes.

I always thought,
here in Lebanon,

that they were a guide.

Like, you keep the line
in the middle of your car

so that you-you
always have guidance.

It's like the Lord. [laughing]

But I understand there's
a lot more cars in America.

I get it.
I get it.

You need traffic lights.

Fine.

But lights for people
to cross?

You need a light as
a human being to tell you

when you can cross
the road?

Because vroom isn't
indication enough

that now isn't
the most opportune? [laughing]

You should remove
the lights,

and if somebody gets killed
trying to cross the road,

good. [laughing]

Natural selection--
we need to speed this up. [laughing, applause]

Like, a month ago, I was--
I was in Venice.

I got a ticket for
crossing the road on foot.

I wasn't even
in a car.

I mean, is that legal?

[laughing]

I crossed the road,
and I hear a police officer
from behind me.

He's go--
he's like, "Sir!

"How dare you, sir?
Come back here, sir!

"Not in my town!
Not on my watch!"

I thought it was
one of my friends.

[laughing]

I was like, "Ahh!
Oh!

Oh, oh,
excuse me, officer.

Is there a problem?"
He walks up to me.

He gets all, like,
Clint Eastwood gangster.

He's like, "You were
breaking the law, sir.

"You were breaking
the law."

[laughing]

I was like,
"Excuse-excuse me?"

He's like,
"You were jaywalking, sir.

"You crossed the road before
you were indicated to do so."

I was like,
"There-there were no cars.

"Uh, that was
my indication."

[laughing]

And I took it.

And then I had
my beard out,

and he started
racially profiling me.

Like, he looked at me
from top to bottom.

Like, he was like,
"You don't even look like

"you're from
around here, sir.

Where are you from?

"Jersey?"

[laughing]

I got all patriotic.
I was like, "No, sir.

"I'm from Lebanon."
Yeah!

[cheering]

Yeah!He's like...

[speaking in Arabic]

Turned out to be
Lebanese.

"Wait, wait, I have
something for my mother--

"Maybe you will give her."

[laughing, applause]

And do you know what
the most difficult thing
to be in America is,

hands down, as an Arab?
Christian.

Nothing confuses
an American more

than an Arab
who isn't a Muslim.

It makes no sense.

[laughing]

Like, for real,
last Christmas,

I gave you my heart.

[laughing]

Last-last Christmas
was my first Christmas

away from my family,

so I wanted to get
a Christmas tree.

Make some Christmas spirit.

So, I knock on
my neighbor's door.

I'm like, "Yo, where can I
get a Christmas tree from?"

He's like, "Why do you wanna
get a Christmas tree?"

I was like, "Oh, we--
I have these--

so, I bought these lights,

and-and we put them--
we put-- we-we dec--

did things change
since I left San Diego?"

[laughing]

He's like, "No, but
aren't you from Islam?"

I was like,
"Am-am I from-from Is--

yes, actually, I-I flew in
yesterday from Islam."

[laughing]

"Via Heathrow.

It's a ten-hour time
difference between here

and Islam,
just so you--"

I was like,
"Bro, I'm a Christian."

He's like, "Christian?

"I thought you were
an Arab."

I'm like, "I-I-I know.

"There's actually Christians
in the Middle East."

He's like,
"For real?"

I was like, "Yeah."
He's like, "Damn."

I was like, "Yeah, man.

"Actually, there's
a very famous Christian

"from the Middle East.

"I don't know if you've
ever heard of him maybe--

"Yeah, Jesus, if you've
ever heard of him."

[laughing]

"There's a movie if you--
the-the book is way better,

"but there's a movie."

[laughing]

Seriously, the way
you guys draw Jesus

is-is so inaccurate.

He looks like
Luke Skywalker.

He's, like, blonde,
blue eyes, white skin.

This is Palestine
circa 2000 years ago.

Do you--
it would've been--

do you know how hot
it is over there?

If he had white skin,

there would be
no miracles.

[laughing]

He'd be like, "Today,
we will tell everyone nothing,"

and he just walks. [laughing]

You need SPF Jesus Christ
just to be able to walk out.

The first miracle
would be air conditioning.

It's not gonna happen.

[laughing]

And romance in America?

Dead.

The music, romantic music,
on the radio is terrible.

We get it here,
too, right?

♪ what you gonna do
with that big fat butt ♪

Wh-- Whoa!

Whoa! You can't tell a girl
she has a fat butt.

Are you insane?

You could get killed,
if this was Lebanon.

Click, click,
and you're done.

[laughing]

And Chris Brown
is so confused.

You heard that song,
"These hos ain't loyal?"

They're hos.

[laughing]

What did you ex--
what is this?

A public service
announcement?

[laughing]

Ask any Lebanese mother.

She would have
told you who's a ho.

"She's a ho.
Her mother is a ho.

"Her father
a bit of a ho."

[applause]

Lebanese moms don't even
have Facebook.

They have Hobook.

Come, let me show you.

[laughing]

"She was a ho
in university,

and then you-you--"

[laughing]

I'm romantic.
I'm not married.

I'm not married.

I'm-- [cheers and applause]

Why are we-- thank you
for applauding my loneliness.

This is fantastic. [laughing]

I'm not married,
which, as an Arab, at 32,

basically means I've done
nothing-- nothing with my--

there's nothing.
I've achieved nothing.

I'm purposeless.
There's nothing.

It becomes the asterisk
to every single thing

that your parents
say about you.

"How is your son?"

"Oh, he's-he's good.
He's on a world tour.

Changing the, you know,
perception of--

not married, but--"

"Really?
Why isn't he married?"

Are we skipping
the world tour?

You can do anything.
It doesn't matter.

You could be
a spaceman in space.

You know that guy that
they sent up to space,

has a twin, to see
the effects of the--

even that wouldn't
be enough.

"How is your son?"

"Oh, he went to space
to see the effects

"on the body of space.
Longest time in space.

"Still not married,
but, you know."

"Why isn't he married?

Was there nobody in space
that he liked?" [laughing]

I'm not married. [cheering]

Marriage is scary.

Mar-- stop cheering,
you asshole.

It's horrible. [laughing]

I want love!

I could-- look,
I'm wearing a suit.

I am ready.

[cheering]

That wasn't like
let's-- that's it--

group proposal--
group proposal.

Will you all-- will you--
will you all--

thank you, sir.
Thank you.

[laughing]

Marriage
is scary, man.

It's for life.

Look how depressed
half of you just got.

[laughing]

This guy over here
was like, "Ha!"

[laughing]

He just realized
it's for life.

And do you know
what blows my mind?

People who say they wanna
wait until after marriage

to have sex.
Are you an idiot? [laughing]

Sex is the most important
thing in a relationship,

hands down.
What's the point? [cheering]

Thank you,
horny people.

What's the point?

[laughing, applause]

What's-- ha-ha!

Oh, man, I love--

Lebanon,
I love you, man.

You guys are the best.

[cheering]What is the point--

what is the point
of falling in love,

and then you sleep together,
and then, ehh...

What? It's ehh.

What-what do you do
with this?

What-what--

[laughing]

I like to have sex first,

and if the sex is great,

then we have
a foundation

that we can build
the relation--

I try to have sex
as soon as--

women, what I'm
trying to say is,

if a man you're dating
is pressuring you into sex,

really, he's looking
for a long-term commitment.

I want you
to know this.

Uh, sir,
please don't laugh.

Just nod as if what
I said was the truth.

I'm trying
to help you.

Help me help you. [laughing, applause]

Work as a team.

Together,
we can do this.

We're filming this.
We can do it.

We can change-- [laughing]

95% of the time,
if the sex is bad,

it's the guy

'cause the women--

as long as
the women is there,

really, it's an achievement
to begin with.

[laughing]

To be able to get
a woman to accept--

to allow our kind

in her presence
is pretty damn good.

Women are-are beautiful.

Women, first of all,
are beautiful as women.

But, during sex, it's just--
it's-- they're magnificent.

The-the noise-- the--

[moaning]

The noises.

[moaning]

It-- beaut-- what do--
us with-- what do we--

"unh."

What do we--
what do we have?

We have nothing!
We are not sensual.

We don't-- we do--
do you like that?

Who?
Why did you hit?

What is--
what are you do--

[laughing]

We're sweating.

[laughing]

We're dis-- that's why
we love doggy style.

We don't want you to see
what's happening to you.

[applause]

Look and imagine
another-- Brad Pitt.

We're just sweating
all over you,

and we're just
hiding the sweat,

and if one of the sweats
permeates the field,

we hide the evidence.

You like that?

We're hiding the evidence.
That's what we're doing.

[applause]

We're hiding the evidence.

You gotta know
what you're getting into.

It's for life!

What if the sex
is great, all right?

What if the sex is great,

but what if
they're not loyal?

What if they cheat?

I've been cheated on,

and anybody who
has been cheated on

will tell you it is the
worst feeling in the world,

but you shouldn't feel-- [man]
Whoo!

Really? [laughing]

Whoo! Yeah!

[whimpering]

Whoo! Whoo!

[man]
These hos ain't loyal!

The worst--
These hos ain't loyal, sir.

Woman or man,
getting cheated on

is the worst
feeling in the world,

but you shouldn't
feel bad for me

'cause I was cheated on
in such a magnificent way

that I hope all of you
get cheated on

in the same way,
so you can experience,

like, in a beautiful way.
I'll tell you the story.

Very unique-- could only
happen to a guy like me.

You'll understand
when I finish.

I was going out
with this girl.

We'd been dating for, like,
three or four months.

[man] Whoo! [laughing]

This is the most
confusing--

this guy likes
three or four months.

Three or four months,
my favorite duration.

[laughing]

We were dating for, like,
three or four months.

[cheering, laughing]

And I started
to say, shit,

this might be
the one, right?

You start to get
a feeling.

Three or four months
is just on the cusp

of you starting
to really feel it.

And then she started
switching stories.

Anybody
who's been cheated on,

will tell you the-the
significant other

will start
saying things

and forgetting
what they said, right?

And that's what started
happening with her.

And here's the thing.

I-- inside, deep inside,
I'm a woman.

I know when something
is wrong.

I have intuition.

And let me tell you.

Any woman here
will tell you,

when a woman knows,
a woman knows, right? [cheers and applause]

Thank you, sisters. [laughing]

This is what
I'm talking about.

I felt it inside here.

So, I called her.

I was like, "Listen,
we had a good run.

"Maybe we should just
go our separate ways."

Because I, like,
it was on the cusp.

I felt I could do--
I could do it at that moment.

And she was like,
"What? Why?

"Are you crazy?
What did I do?"

And I thought
to myself, I'm like,

she didn't really
do anything.

She's like, "Is this--
were you cheated on before?

"Do you have insecurities?
Why are you hurting me?"

I felt terrible.

So, I even apologized,
bought her flowers,
everything.

A few days later...

[man]
Whoo!when a woman knows--

I knew. I knew.
I knew.

So, I called her.

Woman's conviction--

I was like,
"Listen, it's over.

"I'm not even
discussing it.

"You're changing stories.
Bye." Closed the phone.

Yeah.

She comes over
to my house

at, like,
3:00 in the morning.

She's crying.

"How could you
do this to me?

"I love you.
I love you."

First time she said,
"I love you."

"I love you.
"I think you're the one."

[man]
Bullshit!

It was bullshit.

I was like--
I felt terrible.

But, at the time,
I was like, oh, my God,

"she came to my house.
She said, "I love you."

I started--
I felt terrible.

So, we had great sex,
and then-

then I took her home,
right?

'Cause this is Lebanon.

If she sleeps over,
she is a ho.

Her mother is a ho. [laughing]

Her father--
Right? [applause]

Now, the reason
I'm telling you this part

is because it's imperative
to the rest of the story.

I drop her off home.

By the time I get back,

it's, like,
5:00 in the morning, 5:30.

I go to sleep.
I had a show that day.

I wake up at, like,
6:00 in the afternoon,

and I have a show
on Uruguay Street.

So, I get in my car.

I drive to
Uruguay Street.

I call her on the road to
tell her that I got a show.

She doesn't answer.

No problem.

I get-- she's probably
still asleep.

[chuckles]
I get in the car.

[laughing]

This is my stupid male--
[chuckles]

So, I get in the car.

I get to Uruguay Street.
I'm walking.

My show was at the top
of the street.

I'm walkin' up
the street.

This dude shouts out.

He's like, "Nemr!"
Runs out.

He's like, "Hey, man,
I love your shows."

I'm like, "Thank you."

He's like,
"Can I get a picture?"

I was like, "Sure."

He's like,
"Let me call my girl

"to come take
the picture."

[audience groaning]

It's the girl!

The-the girl, the one I just--
we just-- we-- the girl!

[laughing]

When a woman knows,
a woman knows!

[cheers and applause]A woman knows.

And I knew.

So, I was like...
[chuckles]

But I didn't do anything
because when I'm emotional,

I don't make decisions.

That's-
that's my thing, right?

[applause]That's my thing.

I'm so happy that
the women are clapping

because this is definitely
something you all do.

[laughing]

So, I took the picture,
and I just walked up.

[soft applause] Right? Yeah.

[cheers and applause]But I was hurt.

I was hurt.
I-I'll be honest.

It hurt, man.

I get to the-- and then
I go, and I had a show.

I had to get
right on stage.

But here's the cool thing
about my life.

I can take something bad
and talk about it,

and then when you guys laugh,
it doesn't become a problem.

It becomes my joke.
Like, I can make money.

[laughing]

Uh, like, 5% of your ticket
was because she was a slut.

Isn't that amazing? [laughing, applause]

It's-- it really is
therapeutic

in a very twisted
but magnificent way.

So, I talk about it
on stage.

We all laugh together.

I get off stage,
and I was like,

you know what?
I don't feel so bad.

I was like, I can--
I can-- this is fine.

I felt good.

Then I checked my phone,
and there was a text,

and the text had
very few words,

and the words were,
"Why are you stalking me?"

[laughing]

And the emotion
just went-- I was like--

I picked up--
I called her, immediately.

I said, "Why am I
stalking you?

"What do you mean
why am I stalking you?"

She's like,
"You just happened to be
walking in Uruguay Street

"and have a show?"

I was like,
"No, you caught me.

"I made up all a show and
filled it up as a joke."

[laughing]

She's like,
"You know what?

"It's not beyond you.

"You would do
something like that."

I'm like, "What do you mean
I would do something like that?"

I was like, "Wait,
why is this about me?

This is not-- no!"

I was like,
"Listen, you know what?

"Forget about it.
We can go our--

"let's just go
our separate ways.

"I'm not gonna-- I don't--
no hard feelings.

"I'm not gonna tell anyone
your name was Sara.

"We're gonna go our
separate ways."

[laughing, applause]

"Not gonna tell 'em
it's Sara with an 'A,'

"not an 'H'--
we're gonna go
our separate ways,

"and that'll be that."

She's like,
"What do you mean?" [laughing]

I was like, "I mean--
I mean, it's-it's good.

"It's over.

"Go our separate-separate--
it's-- you can go."

She's like, "But I still
wanna see you."

[laughing]

"You have a man."

She's like, "That doesn't
mean I can't see you."

I'm like,
"That's exactly

"what it means
when you have a man!"

She's like,
"Just so you know,

"he's not just some man.
He's my fiance."

I was like,
"I'm so sorry.

"I thought
you were a whore,

"but, apparently,
you're a saint."

[laughing]

It's dangerous there, man.
She was f'ing engaged,

and she was--
she was screwin' around.

But you know what?

What if you had--
what if the sex is great?

What if
the loyalty's there?

What if you have kids,
and they're--

and they're ugly?
What do you do?

For, like, 18 years,

you have to look at them
every day

and be reminded that you
are a failure genetically.

[laughing]

You could be the owner
of the world,

but you still
look like ass,

and this thing
will remind you

periodically for
the rest of your life.

How many times have your
friends come up to you

with a baby?

"Isn't he-- look at how--
look-look at-- look at--

"isn't he the most
beautiful?"

And then
you take it--

[gasps, groaning]

And then you-
you have to lie.

I've never seen
a more beautiful--

like their pictures.

They call you.
"Did you see the Snapchat?

"Go see how beautiful."

[laughing]

Some of you
aren't laughing.

Those are your kids. [laughing, applause]

For the--
for the people--

What? I've never been
in this experience. [laughing]

You've--

And then you know what,
let's say you have it all.

Let's say you got
the marriage.

The sex is great.

The loyalty is there.
The kids are great.

You love 'em enough.

You can see how past
how ugly they are.

Everything's good.

[laughing]

Where do you live?

Where do you live?

Where do you live?
Think about it.

The world we live in today
is very, very different.

We know, more than anyone
as Lebanese people,

we live in
multiple places.

That's now what we do.

And we know something that not
a lot of other people know.

Living in more than one place
basically means

you have something
called perspective.

You can only get it when you
live in more than one place.

I'm gonna give you
an example.

Few weeks ago,
when I was in Los Angeles,

I drove down to San Diego
to see my little cousin,

about ten years old.

He's playing soccer--
football.

I went to see his game.
I'm excited.

So, I walk in.

I'm like, "Hey,
what's the score?"

And the coach jumps out.
He's like, "Excuse me, sir.

"We don't keep score here.

"Over here, we have fun."

[laughing]

I was like,
"I'm so sorry.

Which team is having more fun
than the other team?"

That's what
I'm trying to find out.

He got angry.

He's like, "Sir, first of all,
I don't appreciate you

"coming into our own
little personal space here

"and making a mockery
out of something

"we take very seriously."

[laughing]

I was like,
"Uh, okay.

"I thought you were
joking."

I'm like,
"Why don't you keep score?"

He's like,
"Because keeping score

"can put undue pressure
on the young child,

"which could result in
post-traumatic stress disorder."

[laughing]

I was like, "Sir,
let me tell you a story

"about my childhood."

[laughing]

"I was having hernia surgery
once in a hospital in Lebanon,

"and I awoke
from the surgery

"because a plane dropped a bomb
outside of the hospital,

"and the windows exploded.

"Do you know what I
had as a result?"

He's like, "No, what?"

"Dessert, sir.

"We had dessert,
chocolate pudding."

[laughing, applause]

And I was eating.
I couldn't even eat it.

My father was,
"Stop eating.

"You're getting heavy.
We might have to run."

I had to eat it.

[laughing]

When I was 14 years old,
in my school,

a man walked in at
8:00 in the morning

while we were lining up
to go into school

with a shotgun,
a jiffit.

Walked in looking for
the principal

because the principal,
the day before,

had slapped his daughter.

So, he walks in,
and he screams--

while we're lining up
at 8:00 in the morning,

"Where is [indistinct]?"
Where is he?

Did we run?
Did we-- no.

Uh, "He's over-over there.

"He's over there."

"Over-- no, no, over--
here, I'll take you. Come.

Over--" [laughing]

He walks up
to [indistinct],

puts the gun to his head,
makes him kneel,

looks, and says,

"If you ever hit
my daughter again,

I will kill you!
Do you understand?"

He was like, "Yes!"

"Okay."

And he walked away
'cause they had an agreement.

I even knew the guy.
He's walking.

He's like,
"Say hi to your father,"

and kept going. [laughing]

He's a gentleman--
a gentleman.

And then
I told my dad.

I'm like, "Dad, this guy,
he did this."

He's like, "Why-why
did he bring a gun?"

I'm like, "'Cause he
hit is, uh, daughter."

And he's like, "Well,
you should never hit a girl."

And he--
that was it.

We proceeded as normal.

[laughing]

We didn't have a psychologist
come to the school.

"How did it
make you feel?"

[laughing, applause]

"Do you feel--
do you want a safe space?

"Do you want a space
where you can exist?"

Say, this is
the Middle East.

There is no safe
space anywhere. [laughing]

There's no such thing.

We didn't close
the schools.

Life just went on.

That's when I realized,
at that moment,

if I have kids,
I can't raise them
in America.

I have to raise them here,
in the Middle East,

so they can be
worried. [cheers and applause]

Do you have any idea
how ridiculous

what I just said was?

[laughing]

Let me rephrase.

I just said,
if I have a kid,

I want to bring him or her up
under the threat of death,

so they could be
better at life,

and-and you're like
"whoo."

[cheers and applause]

You guys are excited.

This is the thing--

and people wonder why
Arabs are crazy.

Look at us.

We're excited.

Even women
were clapping.

I will shoot my kid
every day to teach him.

[laughing]

Think about it.
Put two Arab people together.

Give 'em ten minutes.

It's gonna end up being
about whose father
beat them harder.

"My father used to hit me
with the branch of the tree."

"My father used to
hit me with the tree."

It's just, uh, violent...

[laughing]

Watch. How many people here
were beaten by their parents

growin' up?
How many people?

[cheering]

That's how-- the only
people in the world

that give an
enthusiastic response

to how many people
were beaten growin' up are us.

I learned the hard way
never to do that joke

in front of an all white aud--
I remember.

I was like,
"Who here was beaten up...

[chuckles]
...growin' up
by their parents?"

"Oh, my God,

"I was four years old
when my father--

"oh, my God!"

His friends
grouped around him.

"Hold hands, everybody.
Hold hands.

"It's okay.

"It's okay, Jeremy.

"Let it out.
It's healthy.

"Hold hands.
Hold."

[whining]
"My father shouted at me
in front of everybody.

And it was--
and he said-- and--"

[soft laughter]

I was like, "And?"

"What do you mean and?"

"Well, you didn't--
you didn't--
like, did he hit you?

"Throw you
off the balcony?

"Tell you
you weren't his?

"Try to give you
to the neighbors?

"Say he was taking you in
as a favor?

"None of that?"

[laughing]

He's like,
"No, what are you?

"An animal?"

I'm like,
"No, I'm Lebanese.

"We've been over this.
Pay attention." [applause]

I can't wait
to have kids of my own,

so I can pass down
what my dad taught me

onto them.

My dad was a genius with
the way he would use the belt.

That was his weapon,
the belt.

How many people--
anybody had the belt?

Do we have any
belt people here?

[applause]We got a few.

Look at that,
enthusiastic replies.

Sir, you had the belt?

You had the belt?
Look at him.

He looks great.

[laughing]You look fantastic.

His father beat
fashion into him.

[laughing]Listen, here is--
here--

this is how my father
was better than
your father, though,

but you should
be proud.

Your dad
did a great job.

My dad was a genius.

He wouldn't--
he wouldn't get the--

my dad would make me
go get the belt.

[laughing]

That's where
the genius lie.

"Go get the belt."

"No, papa, please."

"Get me the belt,
or I will kick your ass!"

"Okay," which is
very confusing because...

[laughing]

That's how you're gonna
get your ass kicked.

And I go get the belt,
and I give it to him.

He's like, "Go get me
the brown one."

And I'd be like,
you son of a bitch.

I'd have to go get
a different color.

Come back.

Then when your
parents beat you,

when your dad's beating you,
the way he talks changes.

Becomes one word
per hit.

"How...

"many...

"times...

"did... I..."

which is good
'cause halfway through

you're like,
he's almost done.

[laughing]

I'm-I'm-I'm--
you start to feel good.

I'm a survivor.
You start to feel good.

And at that moment
when you start to feel hope,

that's when your mother
decides to defend you

from outside the door.

"Stop it, Joseph!
Stop it!

"Stop hitting him!
Stop it!"

"It's because of you
I must--"

[applause]

"Like, can we have this
conversation later, please?

"He was almost done."

"Don't talk to your
mother like that."

It never ends.

[laughing]

Never ends.

But here's the thing.

We're right,
and so is the American--

that's the thing.

The world we exist in today
is a totally different world.

They're right.
We're right.

Perspective--

we have something
that they don't have,

that nobody else
in the world has,

Lebanese people specifically,
more than any other race

on the planet, and do
you know what that is?

It's called adaptability.

[applause]

Anywhere you take an--
that's so true

because we're warriors,
and we're survivors.

Anywhere you put a Lebanese
person, he will win.

She will win.
Anywhere we go, we adapt.

[applause]

Listen to the word,
though.

We don't integrate.

[laughing]

We adapt, and usually
that's by combining ourselves

into big numbers
and changing

where we are to be like--
[laughing]

Because the village
needs to proliferate.

For instance,
take Michigan.

Here's the thing.

In Michigan,
there are so many Arabs.

The restaurants, everything
is written in Arabic,

supermarket,
[indistinct]--

all of it in Arabic,

but this is the sign
of true adaptation.

There was a strip club
in Michigan,

and on the window of
the strip club, in Arabic,

in neon lights,
they had written "halal".

In case you walk in
to go to the strip club,

but you didn't
wanna go to hell.

I think that's fantastic.

[laughing]

Where do you live?

If you're Muslim,
where do you live?

Today,
if you're Muslim,

it's a very different
world than even 15,

20 years ago.

When Donald Trump goes up in
America and something like,

"The majority of
Muslims hate America,"

and a lot of people agree,
that's not--

you can't dismiss
that as racism.

You have to address it
for what it is.

It's a problem.
And I'm an Arab.

When somebody talks
like that-- right?

For real.

[applause]

When somebody talks
about someone as Muslim,

meaning Arab, those are
my brothers and sisters,

and there's a problem
there, 100%.

[applause]

And I say
to myself, "Nemr,

"how are you gonna help your
Muslim brothers and sisters?

"How are you going to help
solve this problem?"

And I came up with a solution
that will make Islam

one of the most
popular religions

in literally, like,
two to three years flat.

Are you guys
ready for this?

'Cause this is, like,
this is brilliant.

This is gen-- when I tell--
I came up with it.

I was like...
[speaking in Arabic]

[laughing, applause]

This is--
this is genius.

It's a very
simple solution.

All you need to do,
is make a holiday

where you give gifts,
toys for kids.

Then American toy companies
will market your religion

for you.

I'm serious.

I'm serious.
Think about it.

They would change everything
so you could buy toys.

Harry Potter--

[speaking in Arabic]

It would be amazing.

It would be incredible.

Transformers
would become Muslim.

Optimus Prime
would come at you!

[applause, laughter]

[speaking in Arabic]

And he'd come in.

The Ninja Turtles--
Donatello, Rafael,

Michelangelo, Leonardo--
Screw that.

[speaking in Arabic]

[laughing, applause]

And you could tell
the difference
from the colors.

[laughing]

It's funny,
but it's true.

You know it's true.

We are Lebanese.

Phoenicians, right?

That's what our--
a lot of-- right?

Arabs, all of us,
look at us.

Look what we've done
in our timeline.

We come from one of the
greatest civilizations

on the planet.

Phoenicians discovered America
thousands of years ago,

long before
Christopher Columbus.

Muslim and Arab scientists,

we created language,
mathematics,

science, everything
we contributed.

Hell, this is the
birthplace of religion.

The fact that you can
take a look around,

and you see churches,
mosques, and synagogues

standing side by side,
means there was a time

when everybody was happy
with everybody else, right?

[cheers and applause]

We invented,
we created,

we brought forth so much
from religion to mathematics

to science.

The fact that today,
30,000 and even less people,

mostly recruited
from Twitter,

who call themselves ISIS
have come to define us

as a people
isn't an American problem.

That's an Arab problem.
We need to solve that.

That's what I'm trying
to do by goin' out

and doing these shows.

And going
across the U.S.

because I want people to
come and experience my life.

I think I am
the beyond privileged.

I am-- come from the
greatest place on earth.

We are all warriors.

All of us, all 5,000 of us,
right here, tonight,

are warriors.

We're warriors.

It's in our culture
to fight.

Think about it.

The day before
the Paris attacks,

56 Lebanese people
were killed in Lebanon,

and nobody even
talked about it.

Facebook didn't even give us
a thing that we could put

over our picture
with the Lebanese flag.

Fifty-six Lebanese people
died, and the next day,

we didn't even stop schools
or take the day off.

The next day, we went to work
as if it was nothing--

as if it was nothing.

Can you imagine being ISIS
and getting up the next day,

turning on the news,
all excited?

We killed
56 Lebanese people.

Let's see how we've destroyed
their infrastructure.

And they turn on the TV,
and the guy's like...

[applause]

Nothing can bring us down.

We won't stop for anything--
unless it's raining.

Then we close
the schools.

But-but we won't--

we won't stop nothing,
but...

That's why I want people
to come back here,

that's why I want us to do
a better job with our PR,

and that's why I'm happy
you're all here today

'cause on camera we have
captured what it really means

to be in a country
that's supposedly

overrun by terrorists
and going through hell.

Thank you so much.
I love you all.

Take care of
Lebanon for me,

and let's keep
this thing goin'.

Good night.

[cheers and applause]

♪♪

Good night, Los Angeles.
Thank you very much!

Good night.

[applause]

♪♪

[cheering]

Thank you, Lebanon!
Good night!

Good night, everybody!

[roaring]

♪♪