Mutant Swinger from Mars (2003) - full transcript

(suspenseful music)

(whirring)

(eerie music)

- [Narrator] Orton Creswell,

a renowned psychic,

writer, producer, director, and actor

of feature film and television

in every genre imaginable.

A self-proclaimed father

of science fiction cinema,

he's been rumored to

have influenced everyone

from Roddenberry to Lucas,

Serling to Spielberg.

His contributions to film

have gone completely

unrecognized until now.

Let's finally meet the

man behind the monocle.

On March 19th, 1909, in Hell, Michigan,

Orton Zachariah Creswell was born.

His mother, Sandra Baderndern

was tragically killed

when Orton was only nine years old

by the family's pet

parakeet, Mr. Britches.

Details were sketchy.

Orton's father, Jebediah Creswell,

was a professional tuba polisher and actor

in the Razzmatazz Humdinger theater troupe

of Detroit, Michigan.

As a boy, Creswell was active

in his father's theatrical endeavors,

both as a stagehand and

performer in the troupe.

Captivated by the

romanticism of early cinema,

Orton Creswell fell in

love with the movies.

Struggling to make it in motion pictures,

Orton found work in industrial films.

- My work in industrial films, yes.

You know I did over

1,000 industrial films?

None of which come to mind.

- [Narrator] Plutonium.

(eerie music)

Ah, ah, ah, Johnny, don't touch that.

That's plutonium!

- I developed psychic

powers at an early age.

I went to a carnival.

When I saw the gorilla

lady emerge from a cage,

I was so stricken with terror and fright,

I went into a state of delirium.

When I came out of it,

I suddenly had powers to see

the future, be the future.

- What was Orton like aside

from his artistic side?

He was (bleep), he was full of himself.

He was always off doing

something, I don't know.

I don't care.

- Well, Orton

was...

Well, I guess it's probably safest to say,

slightly, no, not slightly,

completely insane.

He had some

unique ideas.

- The man's a bum.

If it wasn't for his

father, he'd be no place.

His father was a prince of a man.

- I guess some current

actors would view it

as method,

but I thought the use

of LSD as an adhesive

for the headpiece was a bit excessive,

and I think that's really what led

to our further collaborations,

was the fact that I completely

had no idea what I was doing.

- Do I have to keep answering

these stupid questions?

Why can't you ask me

something about my integrity?

- It was not a good time,

it was rather the lost weekend

for me, and it was work,

and I believe I was somewhat

sentient during the time.

- Creswell could never

live up to his father.

- You know, I did a lot of good work.

People don't remember that.

I was good, damn it, I was really good!

(suspenseful music)

(screams)

(screams)

(screams)

- She had a presence

rather like Medusa.

Do you have another cigarette?

I could use a little bit

more alcohol, too, please.

- How come I always have to just yell

and scream for everything?

I am still a star, damn it!

- [Narrator] I think we're

getting off the subject.

Let's talk about their

early years in Vaudeville,

with Biff Anderson and Lance Feldman.

- My work in Vaudeville, yes,

it was an exciting time in my life.

I was working in a

professional relationship

with Lance Feldman.

(police sirens)

- You're tearing me apart!

You say happy holidays and

you say Merry Christmas,

and then you all switch back again!

- And then the great Biff Anderson.

- Fall into my trance.

- We sort of did a comedy routine,

a little slapstick here and

there, a pie in the face.

This kind of stuff with the eyes.

Really thought that had potential.

- We worked together for

a long time on Vaudeville,

doing stage work, which

is very interesting.

It was the two of us, and a

dear, dear friend of ours,

whose name was Biff Anderson.

He was like the glue that

brought Orton and I together.

One of our Vaudeville acts was Orton,

who loved to play the piano.

He would sit as his piano,

and I was slung across top of the piano.

And we dressed Anderson up

as a poodle, and it was just,

oh, well, you have to see it.

I'm sure someone knows something about it.

And other movies that we did together,

when we did "Ghost Grabbers".

- "Ghost Grabbers", oh yes,

one of my favorite films.

(foreboding music)

- This place gives me the creeps.

(moaning)

- Say, why you bumping into me?

(growling)

You still hungry, we just ate.

- That wasn't me.

- It wasn't me, either.

(roars)

(yelping)

- Let's get out of here!

(suspenseful music)

- Brilliant piece of work, if I may add.

"The Man Who Looked Like the

Devil", now there was a movie.

- What?

- Some of the favorite films that I made.

"Frackula", which was a

sort of a transmogrification

of Dracula and Frankenstein.

It was brilliant work,

one of my favorites.

Another one was "I Married a Corpse".

- Baby, I know you love me and all, but...

I know you're a good listener,

but you never talk to me,

and sometimes, I just

wish you'd say something.

- Well, that wasn't my

particular favorite.

My wife, Miriam, cheap

floozie that she was,

she ruined that one.

That was perhaps my greatest script.

- Are you getting the

other cigarette, please?

- Then I had another idea

for a film, untitled,

about a young knight incoming.

Torn between the forces of good and evil,

he travels the galaxy

with a large simian friend

and two robot companions.

He's trying to save his

sister, the princess,

from the clutches of an evil empire.

And low and behold, the

evil head of the empire

is a dark knight, his father.

But ultimately I thought

that was a big bomb.

- Without a doubt, Orton's greatest film

was a film about aliens from Mars.

Everything was just really

coming together, but he lost it.

- "Mutant Swinger from

Mars" I always thought

was a lot of fun.

Dance numbers and whatnot,

and of course I played the lead role,

quite brilliantly, I should say.

- My next career?

I don't know, I'm writing a book.

Yeah, a biography.

Autobiography, yeah, yeah.

- Some of the famous

people I've worked with

include Lance Feldman, Santos Montoya,

and the late, great Biff Anderson.

Also Shemp Howard.

Clu Gullagher, there was a talent.

And then some perhaps larger

names, more recognized names.

Betsy Davis, Sir Lawrence

D. Olivium, Marlon Brandoff.

I've worked with them all,

but they're small people.

Creswell is large.

- I won't say entirely

unpleasant to be around,

provided there was a safe distance.

And you see, I like

distance, a lot of distance.

- Working with Orton is,

it's like working with God.

It really is.

- One day, long after my passing,

I predict, as my final prediction,

that the cinematic works

of Orton Z. Creswell

will loom large in the

annals of cinematic history.

- How do I feel now that he's dead?

I miss him, what do you think?

I'm free.

- A few departing words.

All I know is that I'm misunderstood.

I always gave people the truth,

but people can't handle the truth.

Maybe another generation will come around

that can appreciate the

greatness of my works,

but don't ask me any more questions.

I'm tired.

I have no time for this nonsense.

You're a trifling and insipid

person, a cretin, no doubt,

in obvious need of

psychotherapy and vitamin pills.

- [Narrator] On November 28th, 1985,

Creswell hung himself

in the projection room

during the premiere of his

horror epic, "Death Goat".

A suicide note was found

near his body that read,

that's a wrap, you miserable cretins.

You are about to experience

Creswell's long lost epic,

"Mutant Swinger from Mars",

a film that reveals the

unique and genius vision

of a man who lived film,

and a man who died film.

- Space, a strange and unusual place.

A place where one day man will explore

and boldly go where no man has gone ever.

Hello, I'm Orton Z.

Creswell, writer, producer,

director, actor, and psychic.

I have foreseen the future,

and I can tell you this.

The atomic age is here.

Soon many unusual things

will begin to happen,

and things will become much, much weirder.

I predict that one day a very famous actor

will become president, twice.

First as the leader of a

very profitable movie studio,

and then again as the

leader of the free world.

I have foreseen the wonderful

return of a camera shuttle

to the red planet Mars,

proving that there is

life on other planets.

I've seen the use of the atom bomb,

no longer used as a weapon

but as a useful cooking tool.

I've also seen terrifying things.

I've seen them come,

things not of this world.

Things from beyond our own

puny, infantile solar system.

Yes, I have foreseen

aliens, unfriendly aliens,

sneaking onto our planet undetected.

They will take control of our

cities, our public schools,

our presidents and our pets.

Beware, look up, listen.

A war of the worlds is about

to start on this planet,

a fight to the death.

Watch now and see what will

happen when worlds collide.

Watch now and learn about

the dreaded goings-on

of space creatures that will soon visit us

and do the unspeakable.

It could be happening

sooner than you think.

It could be happening now.

Trust no one.

(suspenseful music)

(eerie music)

(screaming)

- [Robot] Earth.

Destroy Earth.

Destroy, destroy.

Kill.

(foreboding music)

(UFO warbling)

(cat yowls)

- Martian chronicle, 5963.

We are approaching the planet Earth,

a hostile planet filled

with beautiful dames,

dames which we will abduct

for our own pleasures.

How soon, Slagathor?

- Soon, my liege.

- Excellent.

Soon our dismal planet will be infested

with the cute and sultry nymphs of Earth.

- What have they got that I do not have?

- Oh, shut up!

- Silence!

- It's a fantastic idea, my liege.

- Yes, soon Mars will be

the swingingest planet

in the entire universe.

(laughing)

- But my liege, how will we do this?

- We are to use Plan X!

- Plan X?

What is Plan X?

- Plan X is the plan we are going to use

to trick the small-brained Earth people,

and to collect their luscious chicky-poos.

We will take their women.

This island Earth will destroy itself

as the male species pummel

and thrash one another to oblivion.

(laughing)

- But my liege, how will we do this?

(grunts)

- We will capture one of Earth's

most brilliant scientists,

Dr. Vincent Smirnoff!

- Dr. who?

- No, Dr. Vincent Smirnoff,

the creator of the atomic

missile weapon system,

and of the device known

as the Bake Easy Oven.

He has also been studying the rejuvenation

of dead human flesh tissue,

and bringing it back to life.

We will force him to build

us the perfect weapon,

a slick dude of exceptional

style and talent,

a swinging hip cat.

- A real looker.

(grunts)

- Jerry Lewis!

- Shut up!

A creature that will lure

the cuties within our grasp.

And we will use them to

replace our own female race,

who are as cold and frigid

as the moons of Mingdabula.

(hisses)

It is almost too perfect.

Either that, or we'll sick the

giant killer robot on them.

- My liege, we are nearing

the earth's atmosphere.

My liege, where on Earth did you get

that instructional directional advice?

- You stupid, stupid, stupid creature!

You think this is our first time on Earth?

Of course not.

We've been spying on Earth

for hundreds of years,

and the idiotic beings of Earth

have never suspected our presence.

They have been too busy with

their TVs and their soda pops,

and their swing tunes, and their hot rods,

and their James Deans.

And what have we been doing?

- What?

- Missing out on everything, that's what,

and I'm getting pretty damn tired of it.

Do you know how difficult it is

to take over an entire planet?

- No.

- Of course you don't.

Well I'll tell you, it's

no barrel of tribbles.

I haven't had time for

a decent social life.

It's been an intergalactic drag.

Well, now it is time for

Xedor to have some fun.

And if that means conquering

the world, then so be it.

I have some conquering

to get out of the way.

We have to take a right right

here, so get off at this exit.

(eerie music)

(UFO warbling)

♪ Coming to our planet ♪

- What the hell was that?

- What in the world?

- That ain't from this world.

(foreboding music)

(buzzing)

(yelping)

(sniffs)

- Ah, mold, dust, cobwebs.

I love my work!

(suspenseful music)

(cackles)

- I thought you knew

how to fly this thing.

- Oh, what do you want from me?

It's a rental!

- [Fly] Help me.

Help me.

- My experiments.

- Help me.

- My creations.

(speaking foreign language-

Laderhosen Dasmilkencookiesen)

My gosh, that's a good pickle!

Soon, Kongo.

Soon I will have perfected

my ultimate experiment,

the regeneration of dead flesh!

The theory which drove Frankenstein mad

I will have accomplished

with only a minimum of strain

on my own mental state.

Yes, soon, those who laughed

at me will be eating crow!

They'll see me and say,

there goes a brilliant

and only mildly loony man.

(grunting)

They'll say, boy, were we morons!

We should have listened to him!

Not only is he smart,

but wow, what a man!

(knocking)

That better not be the paper boy again.

(laser gun firing)

(shouts)

If you're here about the

Studebaker, I sold it last Monday!

- Quiet, Earthling, we

come from outer space.

Mars, if you want to be really technical.

You are now our servant.

Do as we say, or we will be

forced to neutralize you.

(tense music)

- Who are you?

- I just told you who we were.

But if you must get personal, I am Xedor,

the leader of the Martian expedition team

that is going to take over your planet

and force you into helping

us conquer your world.

- I am Slagathor, number

one flight commander

of the Martian expedition team

that is here to take over your planet,

and will force you into

helping us conquer your world.

- I am Pam.

- And what do you want?

- Are you sure that we

got the right house?

(upbeat swing music)

- [Narrator] This is Rusty Rave.

He is a swinger.

Most people do not know what a swinger is.

A swinger is a hip cat

that knows how to swing.

He wears sharkskin suits

and slicks his hair back with pomade.

Rusty is waiting for his friends,

because he is ready for a night of fun.

Be careful, Rusty.

- Let me make this simple.

Mars needs women!

Our women are cold and lifeless.

They have no hearts.

No offense.

- None taken.

- You must build us the

perfect chick magnet.

If you don't, you will be atomized,

and your family will be

atomized, and your ape will be--

- Okay, okay!

And now, if I don't do this horrible task?

(sighs)

- Is it all right if I just shoot him?

(upbeat swing music)

- [Narrator] Here is Mitzy.

She loves to have a good time.

But not too good, her father has rules.

She is talking on the phone

to her friend from school, Buffy.

They are planning a

swinging night on the town.

Did I mention that Mitzy loves to swing?

Have fun, Mitzy.

(ominous music)

- It's about time, Kongo!

The little one is giving me the creeps.

Ah, good, good, yes.

(tense music)

(laughs)

(grumbles)

- Hey, go get that!

- Sorry, I've been under

a lot of stress lately.

I was born at an early age, you see,

and my parents didn't like me very much,

and I'll go get the head.

- It kind of tastes like--

(squawking)

(foreboding music)

(grunting)

- I have to get the hydrogen

atomizer from my car!

I need my keys.

I have my keys!

I sold the car!

- You are mad, Doctor, truly mad!

(whirring)

(cackling)

(zapping)

(jabbering)

(clucking)

- Nothing's happening.

(lightning cracks)

- Kongo, no!

- [Fly] I'm free, free!

(speaking foreign language-

Ach! Schweinhund!)

- [Pickle] Roll away,

fellow pickles, roll away!

(equipment winds down)

- My experiments.

My creations!

My pickles.

(ominous music)

Hello!?

(sad music swells)

Why?

Why?

I could have been a contender.

I could have been somebody!

Damn you all!

Damn you all to hell!

Oh, where did I go wrong?

Why did I have to have

an ape instead of a dog?

Why do I always have to do

whatever all the other mad scientists do?

(snapping)

- Smirnoff, look!

(foreboding tiki music)

- It lives.

It lives!

It lives, It lives, It lives, It lives.

It lives, lives, lives, lives.

(chattering)

(swing music plays)

(swing music continues)

(more swing music- we get

it. It's a swing dance club)

- Ladies and gentlemen,

tonight we will be spinning

the hippest hi-fi hits

with our very own Vinny V and

everyone's favorite emcee,

your truly, Dick Johkes.

Take it away, Vinny.

(smooth jazz music)

- So I couldn't help notice

you from across the room.

It's as if Cupid himself

flew over and struck me hard

with his mighty arrow of love.

- Rusty Rave, you stop it.

(coughing)

I'm blushing.

- I'm sorry, Mitzy, it's just...

(giggles)

- You're cute.

- Touche, my little turtle dove.

- Rusty Rave, are you

flirting with little old me?

- Kiss me.

Kiss me like you've never

wanted to be kissed before.

Kiss me like you never

wanna kiss anyone again.

- But I couldn't!

- Why not, Mitzy?

It's as if we were

destined to be together.

As if the gods of love

are smiling down upon us.

- I gotta go, I gotta find my friends.

- Wait!

Will I ever see you again?

- Meet me here tomorrow, nine o'clock.

- Gosh.

Till tomorrow, my sweet.

(chatting)

- [Dick] Hey, lets give him a big hand.

(applauding)

- Hey Rusty, Mitzy Nussbaum,

she's quite the dame, eh?

- Quite a looker you was

trying to land there, Rus.

- Hey Mikey, you don't think

our boy Rusty's being duped

by a skirt, do you?

- I don't know, he looks like

he's in la la land, Steve.

- Hey, Rusty.

- Hey, Steve.

Hey, Mikey, what's shaking?

- Rusty, you okay?

- Yeah, you ain't getting

soft on us, is you?

- You ain't getting all doey-eyed

over that broad, are you?

- Who, me?

You think I'd go gaga

over some dame like that?

I'm just keeping in the swing of things.

- Hello, nurse.

(growls)

(howls)

(laughing)

Catch you later, Rusty.

- Yeah, come to Daddy.

- Hi, Buffy, hi, Jody.

- Where were you?

We've been looking all over for you.

- I saw her talking to

Rusty Rave at the bar

when I powdered my nose.

- Oh my gosh, he's so dreamy.

- He's the most.

- No, he's the utmost.

(squealing)

- You're gonna be the

coolest girl at college.

- Oh, Mrs. Mitzy Rave.

(sighing)

- That would be the coolest.

No one is as handsome

as Rusty Rave, no one.

(record scratches)

(crickets chirping)

- Huh?

- [Man] Boy, is that guy swank.

- What's everybody staring at?

Dance, swing, drink up, have a good time!

'Cause tonight it's not me, Fez.

Fez Fleckman, dig?

(chattering)

(upbeat swing music)

- He's the swingingest.

- But what about Rusty?

- Who?

(teeth clack together)

- Hey, snagglepuss.

Make me a dry martini, and

don't shake it, stir it.

And make sure you stir it real nice, huh?

Stir it like you's making it

for your deal old granny, got me?

You ain't as dumb as he looks.

You keep staring at me that way

and you're gonna see me

kill you, got it, Elvis?

Good, now look away.

I said look away.

- Who do you think you are?

- Me?

I think I'm the guy that's

gonna beat your brains out

all over this nice floor here

if you don't shut up, drink

your drink, and look away.

- Oh no, Fez.

I mean Rusty.

Rusty, don't.

Your face.

- You dance, chickie baby?

Let's see how you move

that frame of yours.

- What happened, Rusty?

You never backed down from

a guy like that before.

- Yeah, you aren't getting

chicken on us, are you?

- Just leave me alone.

- Come on, doll.

(upbeat jive music)

- Mitzy, I'll win you back!

(crickets chirp)

(western show plays on the TV)

- Why the long face, big brother?

Girl trouble?

- Quiet, Tabatha, I'm thinking.

- Are you lovesick?

Maybe I can help.

- You?

You're a squirt, what

do you know about women?

- (chuckles) A lot more than you do.

I am a woman.

- You're a kid.

- What do you know?

You're just a big, creepy jerk.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

What do you think I should do?

I met my girl, and then she went off

with this slick guy who

walked into the Velvet.

Now she looks at me like I'm

an old, smelly piece of fish.

- Maybe she's under some weird mind ray

of aliens from other planets.

- What?

That's crazy talk.

- Uh-uh, it's all right here on paper.

This stuff is happening all around us.

It could happen to you.

(dramatic music)

- Those stories aren't real.

It's a bunch of hoo-ha.

Martians aren't real.

Those are stories

written by lonely people.

- Either your girlfriend's

mind has been zapped

by little green aliens,

or she found out what a

big stupid you really are.

- Little freak.

Martians, aliens, space creatures.

Bunch of nonsense.

We'll find out if she really likes me.

Tomorrow night at nine o'clock.

(smooth jazz music)

- Baby, you're a stitch,

you make me giggle inside.

You crack me up.

(hypnotize warbling)

I love the curls, Shirley.

What do you say we take a cruise

on the good ship Lollipop, huh?

(hypnotize warbling)

I know you dolls is enamored

with me, so why fight it, huh?

(hypnotize warbling)

What do you say we go monkey around later?

We'll go bananas, it'll be a hoot.

(hypnotize warbling)

Ooh la la, baby.

You're wearing my favorite body.

(hypnotize warbling)

- I've always wanted to marry a doctor.

- [Smirnoff] Get away from

me, you little psycho.

- No, no, no, no, no, I tell you

that there is a real future

in plastics, oh exalted one.

(foreboding music)

- Get away from him!

We are conducting a

major takeover of Earth.

We are not playing the dating game.

(laughs)

- You shut up, laughing boy!

(snaps)

- Keep it moving, single file.

- Fez has brought us the

first batch of women.

- Excellent, Fez.

You seem to be doing very well

for such a short amount of time.

- Thank you, oh bulbous-headed one.

- They say the darndest

things when they're young.

Continue your mission, and you

will be well-rewarded soon.

- Thank you, but now I must go.

I have what the Earth people call a date.

- Oh yes, I have heard of those.

It's what happens when an Earth couple

enters a phase called necking.

They drool and grovel over one another

until one becomes queasy

and the other nauseous.

- It sounds lovely.

Go about your date, but

do not allow the wiles

of an Earth chick to sway

you from your mission.

I have heard many stories

of their secret powers

that no man can resist.

- They grow up so fast.

(foreboding music)

(hypnotized warbling)

- I hope you're having a good time.

It's been a while since

I've been out and about.

Hope I'm not rusty.

Say, what gives, toots?

- Fez Fleckman, I'm not that kind of girl.

- That's why I'm trying to show you how.

(gasps)

Hey, cut that out.

- First you tell that you're

going to take four girls

you met at the bar home,

'cause they needed rides,

and then you tell me you're

gonna be at my house at 2:30,

and you were an hour late.

- I had a bit of business to take care of.

Besides, nice girl like you

shouldn't be sneaking

out of the house so late.

Your daddy might give you a whooping.

(gasps)

- Take me home.

- Aw, come on, baby.

The only reason I'm

getting so carried away

is that you drive me crazy.

'Cause you're so beautiful, dig?

I think you're the cat's meow.

You're the tops.

You make me all tingly.

I can't help myself.

I'd like to help myself,

but you won't let me!

Are you smitten, kitten?

(meows)

Mitzy, baby, you're a gas.

Let's pop this blow stand.

(purrs)

(ominous music)

(beeping)

- [Ruler] Oh, what?

- The plan is working

perfectly, Your Highness.

It is only a matter of time.

- [Ruler] Excellent, that

is what I like to hear.

You might not be the

buffoon I thought you were.

I am pleased with your progress, Xedor.

You may get a reward for this.

Don't suddenly become a total

boob like you usually do!

- Thank you, Your Highness.

We will win this war of the worlds.

- [Ruler] Good, now get going!

(whirring)

(eerie music)

- [Smirnoff] Stop touching me.

Stop touching me, don't.

Don't do that.

(growls) Get...

What smells?

- We are ready for the

mind melt, my liege.

- Good, we must prepare

them for transport to Mars.

What do you think you're doing?

- Look, just because you're

the leader of this expedition

doesn't mean that you

get to have all the fun!

- Well the last time, you broke it!

- Oh, I'm not listening, la la la la!

- How would you like to stand

a sentry post down on Pluto?

(chattering)

- Get your damn dirty hands

off me, you filthy ape!

(upbeat jazz music)

- Hello, Rusty.

- Hi, Dr. Von Helpsling.

What are you doing here?

- Oh, just having a cocktail before class.

You look sad.

- Trying to win my girl back.

- Ah, well if you find you need anything,

feel free to come by my office.

- Hey, Rusty.

- Pal.

- Hey, guys.

Isn't it weird that Dr.

Von Helpsling was here?

- Yeah, you said it.

- It's as if it may mean something later.

- Huh.

- What is wrong?

What is wrong?

(hypnotized warbling)

(ominous jazz music)

- Mitzy, baby, you're ace.

- Oh, Fez, stop, I'm blushing.

- Move on.

Move on, Rusty.

Is she worth this aggravation?

Aggravation?

No.

Not in the least.

- No one understands.

I love her.

Oh, how I love you, Mitzy.

But she's with that cad.

That, that...

- So where have you been all my life?

- Masher!

- Fez Fleckman, what are you doing?

- Uh-oh.

Hold that thought, baby,

I got a bit of business to take care of.

What is it, doll face?

- What are you doing?

You are supposed to be

here with me, and only me.

- But pumpkin, you know

how I love the company.

(giggling)

I told you some friends would

be joining us, didn't I?

- I don't remember you

telling me anything.

- That's why I ask you to

pay attention, sweet knees.

Ladies, please, can I have one

teensie weensie moment alone

with Mitzy, huh?

(groaning)

Stay close, don't go nowhere.

I won't be but a moment, 'kay?

Mitzy, honey pie.

You know I love you, you know that.

I just got this little quirk,

that I'm a hard one to tame.

You know that.

- I don't care.

I want to be the only one, Fez.

- You are the only one.

You light up my life.

I could not live without you.

- Prove it.

- Prove it?

- Yes, prove it.

Prove how much I mean to you.

Prove that you aren't a

fraud, a phony, a creep!

- Okay, sizzle lips, you are on.

(record skips)

Shut your cake, socket

squirrely, time for me to dazzle.

Eh?

Hey, it's good to be back.

Even though I was never here.

(drum roll)

(chuckles)

I'd like to tell you a story.

It's a sad story.

Hey barkeep, lay some mood lighting on me.

You're beautiful.

It's a truly sad story about a gal

who didn't believe how

much her guy cared for her.

How she thought he was

a fraud, phony, creep.

He tried to convince her, boy, did he try.

But it didn't work.

Finally one day at the

local watering hole,

he decides to sing her this tune.

Like to sing it for you now.

(snaps)

(upbeat music)

♪ Gentle love, sentimental love ♪

♪ Incidental love, that's for me ♪

♪ To relax the nerves,

never tax the nerves ♪

♪ Who wants sacks of nerves ♪

♪ Not me ♪

♪ But such love is not my diet ♪

♪ I've met you, and now love is a riot ♪

♪ You're like a Hong Kong gong, bong ♪

♪ You're like a speedway wheel, squeal ♪

♪ Your siren song is strong, and so long ♪

♪ You make my poor heart

reel, Virginia reel ♪

♪ Love is a riot, a riot, a riot ♪

♪ The law should arrest it and try it ♪

- He's really something,

isn't he, eh, Rus?

- You ain't just kidding, Mikey.

- A real crooner there, Rusty.

- You may have some competition.

♪ Gentle love, sentimental love ♪

♪ Like parental love, that's for me ♪

♪ Won't confuse my mind ♪

♪ Or abuse my mind ♪

♪ Till I lose my mind ♪

♪ Not me ♪

♪ But such love is not my diet ♪

♪ I've met you, and now love is a riot ♪

♪ You make the thunder cloud, proud ♪

♪ You make a cyclone wail, pale ♪

♪ Our love is like a crowd, it's so loud ♪

♪ Just like a mob in

jail, who's posting bail ♪

♪ The love is a riot, a riot, a riot ♪

♪ Our goose is well

cooked, 'cause you fry it ♪

♪ But I love you, and I won't deny it ♪

♪ I buy it, I buy it, I buy it ♪

♪ Why can't our love be sweet, tweet ♪

- He is the swingingest.

♪ Flowers grow slow ♪

♪ No, our love has a beat ♪

♪ Watch your feet ♪

♪ It's like a broadway show ♪

♪ It's got to glow ♪

♪ The love is a riot, a riot, a riot ♪

♪ No use to resist or defy it ♪

♪ Oh, I love you, and I won't deny it ♪

♪ I buy it, I buy it, I buy it ♪

(applauding)

Thank you, you're too kind.

Thank you.

- Kirk, give me another one.

(smooth swing music)

- You heard the rumors?

- About what?

- The weird lights people have been seeing

near Make Out Point.

- No, I haven't.

- Me neither.

- They say aliens have landed,

and they're kidnapping people

and controlling people's brains,

turning people into mindless zombies.

Girls have been missing all over.

- Oh yeah, I heard Susie Browning

has been missing for days.

- And Sally Arkoff, and Wilma

Castle, and Esther Wood!

- Oh my, this is like

that movie with the pods,

and then they control people's minds.

- "Invasion of the Body Snatchers".

- No, not that movie, the other--

- "Bigfoot".

- Yeah, yeah.

- Yeah.

Wasn't Carey Grant in that movie?

- [Sally] He is so cute. (giggles)

- That's preposterous.

Those poor, miserable souls.

Don't they know that stuff's

just in the comic books?

Aliens do not exist.

- I don't know what to believe.

But whatever it is, I'm going

to get to the bottom of it.

(upbeat swing music)

(giggling)

- Oh, Fez!

(barks)

Oh, Fez, you animal!

(grunts)

Oh, Fez, you animal.

- Isn't this better than hanging

out with that slug, Rusty?

- Oh, Fez, you animal!

- Say, what gives, baby?

You're wound up like a cheap watch.

Oh, come on, bubby, talk to dada.

- Oh, Fez, you're incorrigible.

You're rude and you're

never on time for our dates.

- Baby, baby, please.

You're giving me an inner-ear

ache, for god's sake.

I thought we settled this a while ago.

- But Fez, I just--

- Eh, eh, eh.

I thought that's what you liked about me.

'Cause I'm rude and incorrigible.

But on time?

You want me to be punctual?

Baby, please, there ain't

enough of me to go around.

You just gotta be patient.

- Stop that.

- Aw, you don't mean that, do you?

Of course you don't.

You like me this way.

You know I'm not rude to you, sweet lips.

I'm to the point.

I'm not the kind of guy that's

gonna say a bunch of stuff

you wanna hear just

'cause you wanna hear it.

I'm not gonna beat around the bush.

I'm gonna get straight to

the point, and my point is,

shut up and start smooching,

'cause I got things to do later.

- You can't win that easy, Fleckman!

- Fez, don't get me wrong, I like you.

You have that certain something

that makes a girl like

me weak in the knees.

- Weak in the brain, too.

- You're classy, you're swank,

and your wardrobe's to die for.

But I need more from a man.

I need to be loved, and held.

I want a little house and a

white picket fence, with a dog.

- I can give you those things, my pet.

- I want to have dinner made

when the man I love comes home.

And if we have problems with our children,

I want my loving husband to go upstairs,

sit them down, and give them

a good, stern talking to.

(ominous music)

Fez, what are you doing?

- Something I should've

done a long time ago.

(hypnotize warbling)

- Uh oh.

(screams)

- Dear God!

(foreboding music)

Doc!

- Rusty, what's wrong?

- You gotta help me, Doctor.

These creatures.

- Ah, the evil vampire.

Nosferatu, the undead.

Now to kill a vampire,

you'll have to take a stake.

You gotta take a stake

and drive it--

- No, no.

Doc, it's not vampires.

- Well, then the werewolf.

Now for the werewolf, you

have to get silver bullets,

and garlic, and wolfsbane.

- No, no, Doc, it's not werewolves.

- Not werewolves.

- Not vampires.

- Not vampires.

- It's Martians!

- Ah, so that would be

unidentified flying objects.

There are many cases of

unidentified flying objects.

It's not uncommon for

people from other worlds

to come and spy on our planet.

In many cases, they do

some interesting things.

They cut crop circles,

they mutilate cattle,

and at times, they even take

control of a weak-willed person

and make him do unpredictable

and silly things.

- Doc, I know all that,

but how do I stop them?

- Beats me.

- What?

- Ah, he's a nice kid.

He's a kook, but what are you gonna do?

(door closes)

- Say, what's with you?

- It's true, it's all true!

- What are you talking about?

- This, this is what I'm talking about!

It's all happening, they've invaded,

just like in the cinema shows.

I'm still waiting to

see a giant mutant bug

or lizard walk down our neighborhood!

- Like that would happen.

I told you, but you didn't believe me.

- I believe!

(ominous music)

- What happened out there?

(guns firing)

- There I was, in the bushes.

It was hot, damn hot.

It was mid-October, but the

heat had no mercy on me.

The humidity made it feel

like it was 2,000 degrees.

- Get on with it.

- Fez did something to Mitzy!

He's not human.

I think he's a creature.

(suspenseful music)

What do you think I should do?

It has evil mind control powers!

- Challenge him to a contest.

- Challenge him?

- If you win, you get

Mitzy, and he goes away.

If he wins, he gets

Mitzy, and you go away.

- But what if he wins?

- You can't let him win!

Mitzy's life and the fate

of the entire universe

rests on your shoulders.

- Well, at least there's no pressure.

Do you think it'll work?

- I have total faith in you, big brother.

- Then by Joe, I'll do it.

Fez Fleckman, you are in

serious trouble, my friend.

(dramatic music)

I have a moment to lose.

Thanks, kiddo.

- No problem, big bro, you big dope.

(upbeat salsa music)

- I said a dry martini, fruit cake!

Did you just touch my jacket?

- You and me, tomorrow night.

We're gonna find out whose

girl Mitzy really is.

(chuckles)

- And how we gonna do that, Rusty?

- Well, I...

A swing-off!

- What the hell is a swing-off?

- I have no idea.

But we're gonna have one,

and we're gonna settle

this once and for all,

you no-good, badly dressed goon.

- Okay, meatball, you are on.

You hear that, ladies and germs?

Rusty Rave has challenged me

to a swing-off tomorrow night.

(laughing)

Say goodbye to our local hero.

Bye, Rusty.

Bye.

- Oh jeez, what have I done?

(foreboding music)

- Can I keep him?

- As long as you keep

the bucket on his head.

- [Smirnoff] I heard that!

- Permission to speak, my lord.

- You may, at ease.

- That chucklehead Rusty

Rave has challenged me

to a swing-off tomorrow

night at the Velvet.

- Excellent!

An intergalactic swing-off

of apocalyptic proportions.

This means all of the

town's cute Earth honeys

will be there, correct?

After you annihilate him in

the competition of coolness,

we will entrance the cute Earth dames

and send their enslaved

brains back to Mars.

Then our planet will conquer

all that does oscillate.

- You mean swing?

- Leave us, wise guy!

Do not fail us!

- Yeah, yeah, no failing.

Do you have any sixes?

- Go fish.

- [Narrator] These are top

secret government agents

from the Flying Saucer Field Division.

They are looking for extraterrestrial--

- Shut up.

- [Narrator] Sorry.

- We're in Grover's Mill.

10-4.

A-okay.

Roger.

- New orders?

- Mother.

- Mother, the agency?

- No, my mother.

(upbeat swing music)

- [Woman] So, you're not

from around here, are you?

- No, I'm from Canada.

- These outfits will conceal us,

and yet make us hip and stylish, as well.

- I want to go home.

- You always want to go home.

- Shut up.

- No, you shut up.

- Both of you shut up.

We are about to witness Plan Z in action.

- Plan Z?

But there is no Plan Z.

- There is now.

(warbling)

(foreboding music)

- Ladies, tonight you're

gonna see the king of swing.

(giggling)

- Oh, Fez, you are so dreamy.

- Tell me something I

don't know already, babe.

(giggling)

- This is the establishment.

- They serve libations here?

Disguise.

- Disguise.

Cool, dude.

- Copactetic, man.

So, seen anything unusual?

- No.

No, nothing unusual.

(ray gun warbling)

- Thank you, let's move out.

- He was kind of cute.

(chill swing music)

(giggling)

- Well if it isn't my

arch-nemesis, Rusty Rave.

Howdy doody, Rusty.

- You don't scare me, Fleckman.

I know your little secret.

Kind of.

- Do you?

Well that ain't gonna help you now.

- Hi, Mitzy.

- Oh, Fez, he means nothing to me.

Let this pathetic nerd alone.

- Hey, what the?

- You're right, pussycat,

he's just a weasel.

- Are you chicken?

- What did you say?

- You heard me.

- Them's fighting words.

- So let's do it.

- Fine.

Let's swing.

(energetic swing music)

(cheering)

- Mind if I cut in?

- Let us go and prepare for our departure.

- I don't want to leave yet.

- First you want to leave,

then you don't want to leave.

- I swear, both of you.

If I had a rubber hose...

(cheering)

(warbling)

- Rusty?

Where am I?

- You're not gonna believe this,

but your mind was being

controlled by invaders from Mars.

- You're right, I don't.

Go get him, Rusty.

- I love you, Mitzy.

- I love you, Rusty.

- [Rusty] Will you marry me, Mitzy?

- Yes, I will marry you, Rusty.

- Swell!

(whistling)

(groaning)

- Me want Mitzy!

Me want!

(screaming)

(growling)

(flesh tearing)

(growling)

- Dear God, it's hideous!

- It's a monster!

- That's the most disgusting

thing I've ever seen!

- Where did he get those shoes?

- Watch out, he'll tear out your spleen!

(roars)

- That guy looks just like me!

(screams)

- Run, for the love of Pete, run!

(screams)

(suspenseful music)

- Rusty!

Rusty!

(coughs)

(tense music)

(shouts)

- See anything?

- No, you hear anything?

- No, let's move out.

You never saw us.

- We're not here.

- We are not looking for aliens.

- We are a figment of your imagination.

- Brought about by bad SPAM that you ate.

- Good day.

- Hey Ernie, how's your donut?

- Good, how's yours?

- Good.

- [Dispatcher] Car 54, car

54, this is dispatch, over.

- This is car 54, go ahead.

- [Dispatcher] There's some

strange antics and shenanigans

happening at the old Smirnoff

castle and chicken farm,

better go check it out.

- What kind of strange things?

- [Dispatcher] Weird

sightings, some people claim

to have seen a UFO and a

badly-dressed monster, that is all.

(dramatic music)

- Copy that, we're on our way.

- What's the matter, Bert?

- You know, it's always the same.

Ghosts, goblins, spooks, UFOs.

Just for once, I'd like to investigate

a good old fashioned murder.

- You said it.

- Well, let's get going.

(siren wails)

(suspenseful music)

(growling)

(screaming)

- Put her in the cage.

- No!

No, don't shoot me, I'm

an eminent scientist!

- My God!

So you really did come from outer space.

- No, no killing!

(zapping)

- Ew.

- Thanks, thanks a lot.

- Oh, I only stunned him.

You, pretty boy, won't be so lucky.

(growling)

Soon all of Earth's skirts will be mated

with the superior Martian overlords,

and all males of this planet will be dead.

Hey, what the?

(siren wails)

- You just gonna kill me?

- What was your first clue, Earth stooge?

(ominous western music)

- No!

(zapping)

- Sounds like someone is home.

- Oh, do you think?

- Why?

Why did you do this?

(shushes)

Whisper in my ear.

(somber music)

- What did she say?

- Nothing.

She just licked my ear.

You fiend.

You would kill your own kind?

- You can't make a sweater

without shaving some sheep!

- Yes, you can, there are

plenty of different acrylic--

- Silence, Earth bimbo!

- You can't talk to her like that.

- I just did.

- You'll never get away with this, Xedor.

Out of all the movies I've ever seen,

the good guys always win.

- This isn't a movie, Earth fool.

(tense music)

This is reality, something you

are obviously not living in.

(chuckling)

And we will get away with this.

Do you think Roswell was a fluke?

That was my idea to freak

you Earth weenies out.

- Hey, whose spaceship is double parked?

- Calm down, Mister, there's

no reason to get jumpy.

(shouts)

- Rusty, be careful!

- Fez, seize her!

Take her to the spaceship.

- Rusty!

- I'll save you, Mitzy!

(guns firing)

Don't shoot, you'll hit the girl!

- Is there anything I can do to help?

(grunting)

(suspenseful music)

(screaming)

- [Slagathor] Move, come on, come on!

(shouts)

(grunting)

- Oh no you don't!

- Let go of me!

- Get back here!

(grunting)

- Shoot, shoot!

(gun fires)

Not me, you moron!

(suspenseful music)

- Are you all right?

(groaning)

- Oh, move!

- Leave me, save yourself.

Getting weaker.

Must warn others!

- Come on, Doctor.

- Leave me be.

Save yourself, leave me to die.

- Where's Smirnoff?

- He's still inside, crazy old man.

(growling)

- Fez, no.

- Don't do it, Fez, you'll

get yourself killed.

- Must save master!

Must risk life!

- Okay.

- All right, whatever you say.

- Sure.

- Bye bye.

There goes a stupid, stupid monster.

- I'll never forget him.

(sobbing)

(crackling)

♪ Amazing ♪

(growling)

Fez.

(coughing)

Who's smoking in here?

There's no smoking in the laboratory.

Get off me, Fez.

(UFO warbling)

- Let them go!

- But they may come back

with reinforcements.

- No they won't.

- But how do you know, Rusty?

- I took the liberty of calling

the United States Air Force

before I got here.

(laughing)

- Oh, Rusty.

(whooshing)

(triumphant music)

- Damn that thing!

Use the gamma ray, destroy the Earthlings!

- Yes, my liege.

(zapping)

- Eat hot missiles, you Martian scum!

(beeping)

- Slagathor?

Aw, cripes.

- [Pilot] Nice shooting, Tex.

Now here's one from good old Uncle Sam.

Nab my girl, will you?

Take that!

- Shazbot!

(whistling)

- Hey, do you mind?

- Johnny!

Johnny?

(screams)

(suspenseful music)

- Watch this, Mitzy.

- This one's for you, Rusty.

(booming)

- They blew up Mars.

- They sure did, Mitzy, just for you.

(triumphant music)

Thanks, boys.

- No problem, Rusty.

Take care now.

- Now that was a close encounter.

- Let that be a lesson to you!

- Yeah, a lesson.

Tired, but I'm all right.

- Who the hell are you people?

- We're nobody.

- We're not here.

- We are illusions.

- We are figments of

all your imaginations.

- Brought about by bad SPAM that you ate,

and for the last time,

we are not looking for

beings from other planets.

- You know, it's a shame.

Dr. Smirnoff dead, and

lives senselessly wasted.

- Yes, now we'll never know

what the space men could

have shared with us.

We could've learned so much from them.

Cures for our diseases, new

means of transportation.

- They were planning on enslaving you

and turning you into a

mindless astro-zombie,

for the sole purpose of their pleasure.

- Oh yeah.

(uplifting music)

- Well I'm going home.

(upbeat rock music)

♪ He's a cool hip cat ♪

♪ He's got all the moves

and knows where it's at ♪

♪ He sends all the chicks ♪

♪ He's got all the lines,

he knows all the tricks ♪

♪ He's a monster man ♪

♪ Created to carry out a fiendish plan ♪

♪ He's an undercover lover

from beyond the stars ♪

♪ He's a mutant swinger from Mars ♪

♪ He's a flyby Romeo ♪

♪ An interstellar Don Juan ♪

♪ He's the cat's pajamas,

size extra long ♪

♪ He's the top banana, he's

a rama lama ding dong ♪

♪ He wears sharkskin suits

and drives hot rod cars ♪

♪ He's a mutant swinger from Mars ♪

♪ With the devil's grin

on his angel face ♪

♪ He's picking up girls

to send to outer space ♪

♪ Step aside, boys, you

ain't got a chance ♪

♪ The girls are all under

his unearthly trance ♪

(guitar solo via Creepy Rick)

♪ When he makes the scene ♪

♪ The chicks all drool

and the cats turn green ♪

♪ He's got secret powers ♪

♪ He's the king of swing

and the man of the hour ♪

♪ He's Rudolph Valentino

made by Frankenstein ♪

♪ A reanimated dragster

smoking on the line ♪

♪ He's top hunter in the cocktail bars ♪

♪ He's the mutant swinger from Mars ♪

- What was it like working with Orton?

Well.

I mean, he's...

The man is just, he's...

Well he's given so much.

- Well so does Charles Manson,

or, I believe, that Jones fellow

who killed a lot of people

with Kool-Aid, you know?

- Man has no talent.

He doesn't even know which end

of the camera to look through.

- He's touched...

Well I mean, he's just

touched everyone's lives

just by being Orton.

Well I just have to say

that he is my inspiration.

- Being near movie theaters

was a very beneficial thing

for me, because I learned at

an early age the art of cinema,

how to craft film, how

to make works of genius.

- [Interviewer] Tell me about your mother.

- He's my...

He's just everything to me.

I mean, if the man were...

Oh, I just won't say it, but...

- So he relies on his crew for everything.

- What was it like working

with Lance? (chuckles)

Well, Lance had a thing

for me, but you know,

he never quite really got into it.

- Well, you know.

Being romantic with her is,

in the other films, was,

well, you know I love her

like a sister, which I mean,

by itself gave it many different levels.

- But I mean, I tried and I tried,

and he just was the only man

who never really came onto me,

and I don't really understand why.

- When he wasn't around, she

and I would rehearse scenes

just over and over, just

countless numbers of times,

because she always felt

that there was just something missing,

and so we would, she wanted to rehearse

and rehearse and rehearse.

When we did "Ghost Grabbers", actually.

When we did that film, I think

she and I spent more time

rehearsing the love

scenes than anything else.

Yes, now that I think about it,

I don't think we ever rehearsed

any other scenes but those.

- You know, I had every...

I think he was fine.

- Preferably, I view her

with a great deal of mileage.

- She and I, I think,

were, apart from Orton,

just together on such a separate plane.

- You will be my slave.

- The man doesn't even

know what he's doing.

- And another prediction I have

is the French will invent Velcro.