Mutant Aliens (2001) - full transcript

Where is the mic?

How's my hair, Bob?

Down to White House on
a short notice.

And I got a hot date tonight...

We're ready?

Okay

My teeth?

No, no okay

You're on in four,
three,

- Camera roll!
- Two--

- Hello, I am Signe
Bullwinkel here



on top of the White House,

where some very strange
things have transpired.

It seems the President was eaten

by some kind of giant
flying nose.

Well...

This was supposed to be
a celebration

for lost astronaut Earl Jensen

but then all hell broke loose.

My hair!

What's this?

It seems like some kind of giant space chunk has landed.

I'll try and get closer.

- Excuse me, excuse me,
I'm with the news.

Watch it, bitch!



Quit pushing.

- I see a door opening,

and the ship is surrounded

by military guards.

What a wuss.

- Well, now it seems
some cute little chipmunk

has exited this strange craft.

I don't know what's going on!

It's hell!

Hey, you can't do that,

he's my producer!

My cameraman is dead!

I don't know what's wrong here.

I'm getting out of here!

- Best of luck, Earl.

- Thanks Dr. Frubar.

- Daddy!

Daddy, Daddy, yay!

Daddy, Daddy, whee, whee!

Yay!

Daddy, whee, whee!

Yay, whee, whee!

- Goodbye, Josie.

I love you.

- Goodbye, Daddy.

13, 12, 11, 10,

nine, eight, seven, six,

five, four, three, two, one.

Fire!

Engines at 65%, three
engines running normally.

- Separation complete.

He's in orbit.

- Mission control,
there's a problem.

I'm showing a massive fuel leak!

- She did it!

She pushed the fuel
eject button.

Get this girl out of here.

- Let me go!

I didn't do it!

Let me go!

Let me...

- Earl, this is Dr. F.

As you can see, your fuel
is totally gone.

- What happened?

- I'm afraid, Earl,
Josie accidentally pushed

the fuel eject button.

But we're working on a
solution now.

Send up a
ship to save me!

- No can do, Earl.

Here's the deal.

There's no way we can save you.

Look in your secret pouch.

We interrupt
this program to go

directly to the U.S.
space capsule.

- Come in, Earl Jensen,

in outer space.

- Hello America, my name
is Earl Jensen.

I've just learned that
my fuel is gone

and I cannot return to Earth.

But don't feel sorry for me.

It's an honor to give
my life for my country.

- Okay, now the flag.

- And that great
visionary leader

of the Department of Space, Dr.
Frubar,

did everything in his
power to save my life.

And with his continued

and inspiring leadership,

the conquest and control

of outer space will be ours.

But you can do something.

If we had enough money for
our operations,

I would be safe and
secure in space.

So please open up your
hearts and your pocketbooks

and send money to the
Department of Space.

And another tragedy like this

will never happen again.

- Wait, I see it.

Almost...

Got it!

Farewell, and God peed.

- Earl, that's "Godspeed".

Damn it!

Hell, what a tragedy.

Goodbye America,

and goodbye my dearest Josie.

I'll be back, Dr. Frubar.

Count on it.

- Darby.

Ooh!

♪ Get ready, let's go down ♪

Wait Darby, you're
supposed to be working.

- But Josie, we're in love.

- Josie, don't be a tramp.

Think of your reputation.

- Josie, grab all the
pleasure you can.

Life's too short.

- Josie, you don't want the path of sin and evil.
- - Listen to your heart, it's saying,

Fuck me!

Fuck me!

You want him, Josie!

No, you're scared!

It's saying,

"Run away, be a good girl!"

Sister girl,
you don't want to live

a tedious life of
boredom and solitude.

- Listen to me, Josie.
I know what's best for you and your precious soul.

Men want to marry women
who are pure.

Why buy a cow when you
can get the milk for free?

What a load
of horseshit!

Who wants to marry a cow?

You know what your
dad always said.

Either you live or you die.

- What do you know?

You are a whore, slut,
bitch, street trash,

gutter tramp, pervert!

- And you're a prude, virgin,
ice cube,

lesbo, frigid hare, old maid,

muff diver, carrot humper!

How insulting!

You'll burn in hell!

You're the devil!

And you're a
skanky penguin bitch!

And you're a
sodomite, harlot, wench!

And you're a dyke,

- dairy freeze, tight ass, cobweb crotch!
- - And you're a slut, dick-lover,

jism joint, sperm bank,
debauched daughter of Satan!

- And you're a
carpet-muncher, polar pubes,

snow princess, glacier queen!

- And you're a whore, harlot,

wench, trollop, strumpet!

Your breasts are fake!

- Why, you bitch!

- Okay, Darby,

I'm ready.

What's that?

It's too big!

Wow, it's fantastic.

It can't be.

It is!

- Come on, Josie.

I've got your Big
Bang right here.

- Oh, you're a cutie.

Are you married?

Oh, you beast!

Oh, your hot lips!

I'm burning up!

I need a fireman!

Oh, baby!

Put out my fire with
your big hose!

Sir, the advertising
men are here.

Department of Space.

- Hello, Department of Space?

This is Josie Jensen at
the Observatory.

- Listen Josie, why don't
you get married

and stop bothering us?

- Trust me.

Check coordinate 6245 and 71102.

Okay, if you insist.

- What a great view.

Oh, come in, gentlemen, come in.

I have something to show you.

Please, watch the screen.

Imagine you're on a
date and out pops a screen

the size of Oregon.

Oh Brad, you
have bad breath!

For that
fresh, minty breath,

use Smiley toothpaste

and kiss your troubles goodbye.

- Damned machine!

Gentlemen, the Adship.

Oh, my little baby!

Oh yeah!

Oh yeah, you're so pretty!

Pretty pretty, pretty!

Oh yeah, pretty, pretty, pretty!

- Sir, the advertising
men are waiting.

- Okay Josie, I'm
checking your coordinates.

Wow!

Pop it up on the big screen!

Wow, what is it?

A new sun?

A new planet?

- No, it's a fucking asteroid!

- And it's heading our way!

- You've got to call Dr. F!

- Not me!

- Gentlemen, here's your chance to get in on the ground floor

of the most spectacular
ad adventure in history.

Now, who's in, for only
one billion dollars each?

So, who has the balls to
own the world?

This is an opportunity
of a lifetime.

So who is up for percentage?

Yeah?

- Dr. F, this is Tomkins,
in radar.

- This better be important,
Tomkins.

- We've spotted a meteorite,

it's headed toward Earth.

- So, blow it!

- Yes, sir.

- That can't be!

It is!

Stop the missiles!

- Why?

- Yeah, why?

- Because it has a green tail!

- So?

- Yeah, so?

- A green tail means it's
made of metal.

And?

- And?

- It's my father's spacecraft! You've got to abort!

- Do not abort.

I repeat, do not abort!

No, yes, no, yes!

- Tomkins!

You abort and you're fired!

- Josie, Josie, I'm waiting!

Josie?

- Are you kidding?

I've got to meet my father!

- Josie!

Wait for me!

Where is he?

- Just follow the streak.

- Sinners, sinners!

You can't ignore Jesus!

You can't forget Jesus!

You can't live without Jesus!

You can't!

You can't!

You can't, you can't!

You can't, you can't!

Hallelujah, hallelujah,

amen brother, amen!

♪ Oh no, you can't ♪

♪ Oh no, you can't ♪

♪ Oh no, you can't ♪

♪ Oh no, you can't ♪

♪ Oh no, you can't ♪

♪ Oh no, you can't ♪

♪ Oh no, you can't ♪

♪ Oh no, you can't ♪

♪ You can't drag race
with Jesus ♪

♪ Never could and never will ♪

♪ Can't drag race with Jesus ♪

♪ The roadway to hell ♪

♪ First gear, step on the gas ♪

♪ Second gear, it's
way too fast ♪

♪ Third gear, it's gonna blast ♪

♪ Fourth gear, wave bye-bye ♪

♪ Can't drag race with Jesus ♪

♪ The roadway to hell ♪

♪ Oh no, you can't ♪

♪ Oh no, you can't ♪

♪ Oh no, you can't ♪

♪ Oh no, you can't ♪

♪ You can't rock n'
roll with Jesus ♪

♪ Not even for fun ♪

♪ Can't rock n' roll
with Jesus ♪

♪ The rockin' son of a gun ♪

♪ Take me, Jesus ♪

♪ Roadway to hell ♪

♪ Roadway to hell ♪

♪ Roadway to hell ♪

♪ Roadway to hell ♪

♪ Roadway to hell ♪

♪ Roadway to hell ♪

♪ Roadway to hell ♪

♪ Roadway to hell ♪

♪ Roadway to hell ♪

♪ Roadway to hell ♪

♪ Roadway to hell ♪

♪ Roadway to hell ♪

♪ Roadway to hell ♪

♪ Roadway to hell ♪

- Sinners!

Sinners!

Sinners, sinners, sinners!

Repent to Jesus now!

Repent, repent, repent!

Now I want all of you sinners

to close your sinful eyes

and look up to heaven.

Lord, take me now!

Look out!

Who's that old guy?

- What's he doing?

- Reaching for a gun!

- Look out!

- That's blasphemy!

- Daddy!

Daddy!

- He's the devil!

- Daddy, Daddy?

Daddy!

- Josie?

Josie!

Please...

I must report to Dr. Frubar.

- What happened, Mr.
Jensen?

- No, I must see Dr. Frubar.

Where have you been?

- What happened, Mr.
Jensen?

Mr. Jensen, what happened?

How did you
survive the long ordeal?

- Well, there I was, drifting
deeper into outer space.

Huh?

- What a load of bull!

- I don't believe it!

- What a fantasy!

- Please, I need water.

- Josie, let's get
him out of here.

He's delirious.

- Wait.

Those were wonderful years.

We worked.

We played.

We loved.

And we prospered.

We'd never been happier.

Then...

They returned.

And so, here I am.

Hello America.

This is my friend,
Allen the alien.

Next week, we meet
the President.

and Dr. Frubar at the
White House.

And I'm looking forward

to introducing him to Dr.
Frubar.

Ladies
and gentlemen,

the President of the
United States!

- Thank you.

I have a few
introductory remarks.

As you all know, although I
grew up in abject poverty,

we never knew we were poor.

My dear blessed mother,
she sacrificed,

working three jobs, and
still served hot, nutritious

meals full of love
and tenderness,

with never a cross word

or a slap across the face.

Oh, havens, oh!

Oh, poop in a handbag!

I'm happy to welcome mad
adventurer, explorer,

astronaut, that great American,

Earl Jensen.

- It's great to be here,

in front of all of America.

But I was told the great
Dr. Frubar would be here

to introduce me.

I know you're out there, Dr. F.

Please come out and
share my glory.

If you don't come up here,

I'm going to get angry.

- Relax, Earl. I'm sure
that everything

will work out just
peachy and fine.

- Come on up here, Dr. F.

Dr. F, your President's
life is in danger.

Come on up here, or the
President is history!

- He can't do that, that's
the President of the US!

Mr. President, hang on,
I'm coming!

- It's a trap!

Boris, come back!

- The President's been
eaten by a nose.

Well, check the regulations.

- Come on up here, or
the President is history!

Come on, Dr. F.

- Daddy, what's going on?

Let the
President go or I'll fire! - Help!

Help!

- What the hell is that?

- Boris, you damned fool!

Get up there, now!

Earl, I don't know what
you are up to,

but it's not going to work.

Daddy, he's the man who
dumped your fuel!

And you, where is my finger?

No, no!

- America, this is the real Dr.
Frubar.

He left me in space to...

- Let's here it for our
brave hero, Earl Jensen.

America owes so much to
this great man.

Also, I am proud to
announce the launching

of my greatest achievement,

the Adship!

Quick!

Fly me out of here!

Helicopter mode!

You're fired!

If you want something
done right...

You bastards!

You're hitting my limo!

- Daddy!

Let's go!

- Dr. Frubar!

Dr. Frubar!

Damn.

They're escaping!

- Daddy, who are those monsters?

- Come on, Josie, we
gotta get out of here.

- Daddy, what's going on?

Who are those creatures?

- Those creatures saved
my life out in space.

And now we've got to help them.

Look!

Look out!

- Look, there's Darby!

- Josie, you're crazy!

- Darby, you've got to
crash the dome

and let the aliens escape.

- Are you nuts?

They're killers!

- Do you love me?

- You know I love you,
but Josie...

I wish we can have a
normal, deep relationship.

- You want depth?

- Hey!

♪ Now your world's a
stage and it's a ball ♪

- Do you love me, Josie?

You're not just using me?

- No, Darby, you know
better than that!

Come on, Darby, go for it!

Save the aliens!

- I don't know if this is
the proper time, but...

Darby, wake up!

Darby!

Darby!

- Hold fire!

You're hitting my Adship!

Get up there!

- I can't, sir, I'm
afraid of heights!

- Get up there!

- If we can get to that
cloud bank, we'll be okay.

- Daddy, what's going on?

Who are those creatures?

- Remember, long ago, when
I was drifting into space?

- Find him and kill him!

Kill!

Kill!

Kill, kill!

- Listen Josie, I needed
to get Frubar's confidence

to get revenge,

so I concocted that
Nose Planet story.

- Daddy, you're hit!

You need a doctor!

- Josie!

Promise me you'll take
care of the aliens.

Josie.

No, Daddy!

I love you!

- Daddy!

Daddy!

- Earl, why did you do this?

You could've been a rich hero..

- And you, Dr. Frubar,
could've been a human being,

if only you'd put people
before profits.

- Get rid of that wreck!

Today, America weeps.

This great American,
Earl Jensen,

gave his life in the
service of his country.

He tried to protect us from
those murderous aliens.

This morning we found
his savaged body

in the aliens' lair.

He's now headed for the
great infinity,

space.

We've decided to dedicate the
launching of the great Adship

to his memory.

I'm sure he would have
wanted it that way.

And the evil aliens,

we'll return then back
to where they belong.

So be here tomorrow at noon,

and take part in history!

Promise me you'll
take care of the aliens.

- Yeah!

- We're closing now.

Please leave.

Come on, we've
got to hurry, guys!

- What the hell, Josie?

Josie, what the hell is
going on here?

- I'm just fixing his wound.

I need your help.

We haven't much time.

- Well, I don't know...

- Come on, Darby!

- Okay.

- Hey, wake up in there!

Here's your last meal on Earth.

Thank you.

Access approved.

Bon appetit.

Ew, yuck.

Thank you.

Access approved.

And have a nice day.

- Come on, Darby!

Pull!

- I'm not going any further

'til you tell me the whole

story about the aliens.

- Okay, Daddy told me the whole
story just before he died.

- No, no, no!

- No!

- Hey handsome.

Looking good.

Oh, what's that?

A little surprise?

A big surprise!

Oh, come to mama.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, ah, you demon!

Oh, you beast!

Oh, ecstasy!

Oh!

Dr. Frubar.

Yeah?

- The advertising men are here.You may enter, gentlemen.

Dr. F is waiting for you.

- Darby, quick!

The sun will soon be in place.

So finish
the alien story!

Battle-hardened
and eager to fight,

the bait was readied,

and the next thing...

I spotted him blazing
toward Earth.

- Hey, you're not in
advertising.

- Hello gentlemen,

I hope you brought your money.

It's amazing.

This report says that these
aliens are not from space,

but from right here on Earth.

Help!

- Boris?

Help!

- Oh, Boris?

- Help!

- Hey!

- They're gone!

They've escaped!

- Yeah, all right!

- Wait, wait!

- Ladies and...

Ladies and gentlemen.

Today is a great day in the
advancement of humanity!

We're here to
inaugurate the launch.

- To the left a touch.

- Of a new effort.

A new era.

- That's it.

Okay, it's in position.

Open the lens cap.

Now to the right!

Dr. Frubar, help me!

- Boris!

There's Boris!

I'll get him.

- Ha!

You freaks can never get me now! I'll be safe in my Adship.

These stupid people
will tear you

limb from mutant limb.

Well, you're only the children

of our space program
lab animals.

Why you folks are about as dumb

as anyone I've ever seen.

Wouldn't even fill up the
tip of my pinky finger

because they don't realize that

well, you're just a bunch of
useless scientific cast-offs.

- Dr. F said, blast off.

- No, you idiots,
don't blast off!

- Dr. F, don't leave me!

- Tickle him!

More, more, that's it!

- Goodbye, Josie.

- We're alive!

We're alive!

- It's the rocket tower!

- Jump on!

♪ With you ♪

♪ The falling star
you wish upon ♪

♪ You could share your dreams ♪

- It's probably a bad time, but,

since we only have a
few minutes left alive,

I wanted to give you this.

You see, it's a mini telescope.

You can actually see...

Hm.

Grab the steering wheel!

I got this crazy plan!

Got it!

Take over.

I'm jumping off to that trailer.

Summer's coming,

and you want to look
your best on the beach

or on the dance floor.

The Squeeze-Rod is your answer

if you want to tone up
your arm muscles.

The Squeeze-Rod is
great for abs and

the buttocks region too.

- Of humanity.

You freaks can never get me now! These stupid people will tear
you limb from mutant limb

because they don't realize
you're only the children

of our space program
lab animals.

They don't realize you are
just a bunch of useless

scientific cast-offs.

No, you idiots, don't blast off!

Kill, kill, kill, kill!

I'll take the ring now.

Wait for me!

♪ The first time I saw you ♪

♪ Without your wedding band ♪

♪ You were sitting on
the bar stool ♪

♪ Your head was in your hands ♪

♪ For a minute I felt
sorry for you ♪

♪ But I must confess ♪

♪ It cracked me up when
you threw up ♪

♪ On your girlfriend's dress ♪

♪ Yes, you had a
certain drowsy look ♪

♪ In the glow of a neon light ♪

♪ A bottle lying there ♪

♪ You don't shine so bright ♪

♪ Drag in haggard,
anything but right ♪

♪ Yeah, bottom line
today I'd say ♪

♪ You're quite another sight ♪

♪ Well, your face was
red from all the booze ♪

♪ But at least the
lights were dim ♪

♪ You were sucking up the seam ♪

♪ Let the man shoot him again ♪

♪ Well, you have a
way with women ♪

♪ But only when you're tired ♪

♪ So go and drool on
someone else's ♪

♪ Pillow tonight ♪

♪ Yes, you have a
certain drowsy look ♪

♪ In the glow of a neon light ♪

♪ The bottom line today ♪

♪ You don't shine so bright ♪

♪ Drag in haggard,
anything but right ♪

♪ The bottom line
today I'd say ♪

♪ You're quite another sight ♪

♪ You always said you
wanted to be a star ♪

♪ And now your world's a stage ♪

♪ And it's a ball ♪

♪ Well, it didn't make
a difference ♪

♪ When you're used to
wind and rain ♪

♪ Set it on the pantry style ♪

♪ It didn't mean a thing ♪

♪ Well, now you're free
to be a pig ♪

♪ You always were of help ♪

♪ You boozing, losing,
self-abusing ♪

♪ Shadow of a man ♪