Must Love Dogs (2005) - full transcript

[Linda Ronstadt's
"when will I be loved?" playing]

%% I've been cheated %%

%% been mistreated %%

%% when will I be loved? %%

%% I've been put down %%

%% I've been pushed round %%

%% when will I be loved? %%

%% when I find a new man %%

%% that I want for mine %%

%% it always breaks
my heart in two... %%

The best place to meet a Guy
is at the supermarket.



You don't need to waste
a lot of time there, either.

You see a guy holding a list,
you know he's married.

He's in the frozen-food section
carrying a small basket,

He's single.

I like to hang out
by fruits and vegetables.

There's a better Chance
of getting a guy who's healthy.

Probably the best place
is home depot

Or any hardware store.

You just walk up to
the cutest guy...And say,

"do you know where
I can get nailed?

[laughs]
"I mean, nails?

Pardon me, I've been
drinking all afternoon."

And that way he knows,

One, that you're easy,



And two, that you
like to drink.

I thought a great place to meet
girls would be night school,

You know, where they teach
English as a second language.

Because these girls would be
from foreign lands, and,

You know, maybe still a little
disoriented from the Journey.

And I would look
attractive because...

I speak English very goodly.

But in the end,

It did not work out
as I had hoped.

I mean, basically, I was told to
"take a hike" in 14 languages.

Where do you meet people?

I don't know.
They're everywhere.

Why, is there
a problem?

%% when will I be loved? %%

No.

No way. I'm not
going out with this guy.

Just call him.

Say, "hello!"
he's in my book club.

Why is there a woman
in this picture?

It's his wife.

They're separated,

But he didn't wanna
photoshop her out

If you're not interested.

They are in Hawaii.

I believe it's the four seasons.

This could be you
in the photograph.

Aloha.

Well, if you change your mind.

Christine:
I've got a picture.

Michael: Me too.
Is that why you're here?

The whole family?

Everyone has a picture for me?

This is an intervention, Sarah.

This guy's great.

A beautiful girl
like you can't
give up.

There's life after divorce,
you know?

You were married to the same
woman for 45 years, dad.

What do you know about divorce?

Michael: He's my boss. Be nice.
Precious little, I admit.

Oh, the black specter
of two lives torn asunder.

Not helping, dad.

I wish your sainted mother
were here, God rest her soul.

She'd know what to say.

"put on another pot of tea."
that's what she'd say.

The Irish answer
to all problems.

Well, it worked
most of the time.

Who is this?
Bill Jr.: I have no idea,

But if you're interested,
I'll Google him.

Is this it for food in this
house, like, eight crackers?

And what are these?
Are these bananas?

I think they were,
at one time.

Michael:
I'll take one.

I guess I forgot
to shop this month.

Christine:
What are you
gonna do, sis?

I mean, really,
it's been eight months.

Dad's giving-up idea
sounds intriguing.

I could become
the crazy aunt

Who moves in down
in the basement.

Put a cot in for me,
some herbal teas.

I'd like to get a dog,
if that's okay?

Marc, don't you have
a friend for Sarah?

"a friend for Sarah."

I'm now an episode
of little house on the prairie.

Come on,
you must know somebody.

Marc:
Not really.

But if you wanna
have an affair,

I do know a couple of
married guys.

[sighs]
jeez.

We'll let that be
our fallback, okay?

Okay.

Bill Jr.:
An affair, that's terrific.

Carol:
My husband to the rescue.

Michael:
Don't-- don't cover mine.

I think affairs should go
on the other side.

Yeah.

[%%]

Hey, Jake.

Hey, Charlie.

Divorce is final.

You're a free man.
Woo-hoo!

I don't know if "woo-hoo!"
is the appropriate sentiment.

Four years,
a woman I really loved,

And I got my ass
kicked.

High-five.

It's not that kind
of moment either.

Down low?
Just 'cause I want this to stop.

You are officially,
by the way,

The worst client
I've ever had.
Thank you.

Let Lisa have everything
she wanted.

Even the judge wanted you
to keep those boxing gloves.

Oh, you know,
she really liked you.

Well, I liked her too,
as far as judges go.

No. I mean, really.

Wow, that's
a good-looking cougar.

Excellent stuff.

You think she'd like
to buy a handmade,
stainable teak boat?

Maybe if it came
with private lessons.

Mm.

Everybody wants
all that tupperware,

Those computer-designed
fiberglass-composite things.

I mean,
don't even look like boats.

They look
like boats

When they go whizzing by
your wooden guy here.

That was one race,
and I've made some
adjustments, Charlie.

Wood boats can win,
you trust me on that.

They can't win. That's why
people don't want them.

All right, they can't win,
but they lose beautifully.

And the whole experience
is just better.

Look at this.

With my own hands,
I'm making these boats

The exact same way
the Spanish and the Portuguese

Made their great ships
of exploration.

There's a continuity
at stake here, Charlie.

This is more than a boat.

This is a time machine.

If you paid
this much attention to Lisa,

You might still be together.

This is true.

But you know what?

If I had to do it
all over again, I wouldn't.

[taps boat]

[clicks tongue]

I wouldn't.

Lisa taught me about sadness...

About human frailty...

And how unbearably fleeting
happiness can be.

I'm gonna owe her
for the rest of my life.

Oh, you'll be paying. Monthly.

Hope you don't mind
I brought mother Teresa.

Jennifer needed a break.

Are you kidding?
I love this girl.

Mother Teresa,
do you have a friend for me?

Hey, is everything
all right at home?

Yeah, Jennifer just gets tired
of all the family gatherings.

Too many old stories.
It makes her feel left out.

Yeah. Kevin used to
say that.

I still say it.

I say it too.

It seems hard now,
Sarah, I know,

But you get a Chance to make
a whole new life for yourself.

Thank you, Michael,

But in the marketplace
of available women--

Any guy would be
lucky to get you.

You're smart,
you're funny.

You're even kinda pretty

When you're not wallowing
in self-pity.

Am I wallowing? Really?

You're not the wallower
in the family.

Carol is the wallower.

Me? I never wallow.
I suffer in silence.

That's Christine.
Bill Jr.: No, she wallows.

Thank you, Michael.
No, no.

[all chattering]

Sylvia Plath.

This is why people don't
have large families anymore.

Bye. Mwah.

I love you.
Bill Jr.: Bye.

Marc: Bye, Bill.
Love you, Carol.

Bye, Sarah.
See you, dad.

Thank you...I think.
Bye, dad.

Bye, Chris.
Michael: Bye.

See you later, dad.
Bye, daddy!

Bill:
Bye.

There's someone special
waiting for you, Sarah.

[scoffs]

I know it.
Someone worthy.

Kevin was not,
on his best day,

Good enough for you,
sweetheart.

Now you tell me.

[chuckles]

[sighs]

Why not?

Charlie:
You know I love you,

And I love Lisa...
Mm-hmm.

...But I think
you're both better off.

We sure weren't making
each other happy there
at the end.

Or the beginning.

Or the middle.

I mean, don't get me wrong,
we all...

Wanted to sleep
with Lisa, but marriage?

[coughs]

That's not right.

I said that out loud,
didn't I?

You did.

Better strike that
from the record.

Seriously,
lawyers get to do that.

I'm instructing you
to disregard that now.

I think women have
the whole thing planned.

Really. The whole thing.

An epic narrative
in their heads.

You know my theory about this?

When you meet, they have
the whole story written.

But you don't get to read it.

But if you go off script...

Right?

They write you out of the story.

I went off script.
I got written out of act 3.

Now, you're in act 4,

Where I get you righteously
banged every night of the week.

Charlie, I'm toast.

I just got shredded.
No--

It's ti-- healing time.
I'm on the bench.

Hey! Hey!
I'm out of the game.

Hey!
Bench me.

Hey!
Bench me.

Hey.
Benched.

[Sheryl Crow's "the first cut
is the deepest" playing]

%% I would've given you
all of my heart %%

%% but there's someone
who's torn it apart %%

%% and he's taken just all
that I had %%

%% but if you want
I'll try to love again %%

[giggles]

%% baby, I'll try to love again
but I know %%

%% the first cut
is the deepest %%

%% baby, I know %%

%% the first cut
is the deepest... %%

Man:
I'll be right with you.

Hi! Can I help you?

Single chicken breast,
please.

You know,
for an extra 75 cents,

You can get
the whole fryer here.

Two breasts, two thighs,
a wing. The special.

Thank you. I don't know
when I'd eat all that.

It's just an extra 75 cents.

It's not the 75 cents.

I hate to see food go bad.

Oh, we got a hundred
recipes here.

You can always cook 'em up,
freeze 'em and--

Look, listen to me, mister.

I'm divorced, okay?

I eat alone, usually
standing over the sink.

I don't want a bunch of
chicken hanging around, okay?

Okay.

Thank you.

%% I still want you
by my side %%

%% just to help me dry
the tears that I've cried %%

%% but I'm sure
gonna give you a try %%

%% oh-oh-oh %%

%% the first cut
is the deepest %%

%% baby, I know %%

%% the first cut
is the deepest %%

%% when it comes to bein' lucky
he's cursed %%

Hey! There she is.

%% when it comes to lovin' me
he's worst %%

%% oh-oh-oh... %%

Good morning.
How are you?

Good morning.

I called you last night,

See if you were up
for a movie

Or bowling
or group shampooing.

I'm sorry. Eric's
parents are in town.

Mr. And Mrs. Stalin.
I'm under house arrest.

Weren't they just here?
Thank you.

I don't know why
they can't stay at a hotel.

Nothing I ever do
seems to make them happy.

And they make Eric so nervous,
he's like the tin man.

You have to hang in there
for me, Leo.

You and Eric are my model
for a successful relationship.

I fear for you, child.

Anyone have anything exciting
happen this weekend

That they'd like to share?

My uncle Mike slept over.

Uncles and aunts are very
important to us, aren't they?

He's not really my uncle,

But my mommy makes me
call him that.

Ah-ha.

When he's there,

I can't sleep with my mommy
because he's in her bed.

Anyone else have anything
they'd like to share?

Yes, Austin.

My parents are trying it
apart for a while.

We have a theme, June.

Yes, we do.

My mom says
my dad is incorrigible.

That means he likes other women.

[%%]

Adults:
Good!

One, two!

[giggles]

Let me try.

That's a hop.

One, two, that's a new step.
Very good.

Molly, you wanna try the sticks?

June:
Yeah, come on, Molly.

Very good.
Keep it going like that.

Austin: Watch!
Molly: No, I'm doing it!

June:
Oh, Austin!

Good Lord, it's a gusher.

[Sarah laughs]

Let me see your teeth.
Uhhh.

Oh, hey, bubba.

Look who's here.

Daddy!

[groans]

You all right?

Yep, I'm fine.
Okay.

He had a decent-sized bloody
nose there for a while,

But he's fine now.

You didn't have to rush
right over.

Kid bleeds, I show up.
It's house rules.

You wanna get
your stuff together now?

Austin:
Yeah.

Then I need a minute alone
with Ms. Nolan.

Okay. Bye, Ms. Nolan.

Bye.

[%%]

[clears throat]

[whispers]
no. No. No.

So, Ms. Nolan.

Sarah, please.

And I'm bob.

Actually, everybody
calls me Bobby.

I've been trying to change it
back since third grade.

I've always been
a pushover for Bobbys

Ever since my first boyfriend,
Bobby Healy, just...

Whoo, you know.

[both laugh]

Well.

I forget, is it "always

Discuss your personal
history with the parents"

Or "never discuss"?

It's "always discuss."

Besides, I find it
comforting.

So has Austin told you
anything about...

About you and--
yeah.

That you're taking
a break from your marriage,

And you're incorrigible.

Ha. That particular phrasing
came from his mother.

I wouldn't have put it
exactly that way, but--

I'm sorry.

If there's anything you think
I need to know, tell me.

Oh, I will.
Sometimes, with Austin

You can forget,
because he seems so mature.

I know. The other day

He was asking me
about my retirement plan.

Well, he cares about you,

And he wants you
to be financially secure.

[chuckles]

You know,
Austin adores you.

I can see why.

Thank you, bob.

I might prefer Bobby,
after all.

I mean, I like the...

Like the history.

[chuckles]

[romantic Russian music
playing]

Two guys alone in the afternoon,
watching Doctor Zhivago.

There is something
gravely wrong here.

Jake:
It's all there, man.

The yearning, the suffering,

A woman you'll pursue through
blizzards, across continents.

A love so real, even after
you're dead, it still hurts.

That's all I want.

You need to get out. You do.

You need to see real people.

You wanna watch it again?
No!

I wanna go out. Come on.

I previewed
some internet ads for us.

Internet ads? Come on.
I want Zhivago's internet ad.

"tragic doctor-slash-poet
in desperate pain

"seeks like-minded playmate

For long snowshoe
across Eurasia."

What do you bet he gets
a couple hundred responses
for that one?

I thought we'd start
with bisexual Asian women

Who like to fly-fish.

No internet ads, man.

I'm doing this for you.
I hate to fly-fish.

No, you don't.
What about sherry?

I gave you her number.
She said you never called.

Sherry? Sherry's 24 years old.

Her range of interest extends
from kickboxing to tae Bo.

She's gorgeous and slept with
half the guys in my office.

Then why do you wanna
set me up with her?

She slept with half the guys
in my office.

She's in her early 20s.

You know the epic narrative
I talked about?

Hers would not only be secret.
It would be incoherent.

I wouldn't get past
the cover page.

[%%]

I mean, I'm looking
for something more than sherry.

Christine:
"hopelessly romantic,

"young 50s widower
seeks lady friend

"who enjoys the slow bloom
of affection.

"loves dogs,

"children and long,
meandering bike rides.

I will be carrying
a single, yellow Rose."

Oh! I gotta
meet this guy.

Where are your boob shirts?

My what?

Your boob shirts.

Don't worry,
I brought some of mine.

[laughs]
oh, boob shirts.

I can't wear that.

Okay. I have some
dating tips for you.

I got them from sports
illustrated. Solid gold.

Yes, that's always been my bible
for personal relationships.

At least listen to the tips.

Your sister has gone
to a lot of trouble here.

Okay.

"one, maintain eye contact.

"but be sure
it isn't too intense.

You aren't a hawk
eyeing its prey."

Oh, it's good that you told me.
I might have done my hawk thing.

"two...
Men respond sexually

When they think women
are excited by them."

Really?

"the more you like what you see,

The more your pupils will
open wide to take it all in."

Open your pupils.

Oh, my God.
I'm dating again.

Dating?! I can't do this!
No, it's okay.

No, you'll be fine, it's okay.
Come on. It'll be fun.

What if he wants to have sex?
What if I wanna have sex?

No, no,
you don't understand.

It's been a long time,
Christine.

I could...Freak out.

What if I can't control myself?

You're meeting for muffins
in a public place.

I think you'll be safe.

[%%]

Dad?!

Sarah!

My darling girl.

Darling, don't you put
the sunshine to shame.

What are you doing here?

Oh, that's a fine
how-do-you-do...

From one of
my favorite daughters.

I'm sorry, it's just
that I'm meeting a...?

Why do you have a yellow...?

Is that a Rose?

It is a Rose,
if the truth be told.

But by any other name...

[chuckles]

And it's for a lady friend,
isn't it?

That is, in fact,
the very purpose.

[groans]
noooooo.

Now, Sarah, come on.
No.

It is a natural course
of this life...

Oh, God.

...That your dad would have
a lady friend by now.

I feel your sainted mother

Whispering her approval
to me every day.

And would this lady friend
be someone who might enjoy

The, uh, "slow bloom of
affection," perhaps?

That would be grand, yes.

I'm your date, dad.

I am.

I answered
my own father's personal ad.

[laughing]

[quietly]
don't laugh! It's not funny!

Ah, it shows I brought you up

To know the Diamond
from the riffraff.

A young 50, dad?

You're 71.

[scoffs]

And when was the last time
you rode a bike?

Meandering or any other way?

Well, think of it
as poetry, darling.

As who I am
in the bottom of my soul.

And, Sarah, my darling.

What?

I'm glad you've started
dating again.

Dad, please.

This is disturbing
on so many levels.

At least
let me have the Rose.

I can't.

I'm seeing someone else at 4:00.

[gasps]

[graceful piano music playing]

[phone ringing]

[answering machine clicks]

Hello, you've reached
Sarah Nolan.

Leave a message
if you want to.

[answering machine beeps]

Sarah, it's me, Christine.
Pick up.

Come on, Sarah,
I already talked to dad.

[sighs]

[clicks phone]

Who else knows?

No one.

[scoffs]

Come on. Carol has to know.

Why does Carol
have to know?

Couldn't I once know
something before she does?

She's there with you,
isn't she?

No.

Hello, Carol.

Carol:
Hi, Sarah.

I was just telling Chris

That it's a shame I didn't
know about this before

Because I could have
called Uncle Chet.

We could have doubled.

Oh, no!

[both laughing]

This story is going to be

Immortalized
into family history, isn't it?

Told and retold at Thanksgiving
dinner, year after year.

Oh, not just Thanksgiving.

I think it's a good
Christmas story too.

[both laughing]

Bye, guys.
Oh, wait.

Hey, uh,
tell the truth.

On a scale of one to ten,

How would you rate dad
as a date?

Hot? Super hot?

[both laughing]

[clicks phone]

[doorbell rings]

Don't be mad at me
for this, okay?

The last time
you said that to me,

You stole my boyfriend,
Danny Shea.

I did not steal
Danny Shea.

I haven't forgiven you,
by the way.

Stop. He was
a terrible kisser.

He kissed
just fine with me.

Okay. Here goes.

I went online,
pretended I was you

[laughs]

You're making this up.

[%%]

You can't just sit back

And passively answer
other people's ads anymore.

We are on offense.

Well, forgive me
if I'm a tad gun-shy

After my last date
with my father.

Come on, at least look
at your profile.

That's my high school
graduation picture.

That's all I had.

That or your wedding photo.

"voluptuous"? Carol!

Every woman listed claims
to be at least "voluptuous."

Some are "gorgeous
inside and out."

Most are
"sexually confident."

"voluptuous,
sensuous DWF seeks

"special man
to share starlit nights.

Must love dogs."

I put that in for you.

And yet I'm still pissed.

I must have done
something right.

You have 18 responses.

You listened to them,
didn't you?

I like three, 11 and 14.

Christine likes
two and eight.

Michael liked them all.

But you decide for yourself.

[Eddie Holman?s
"hey there lonely girl" playing]

%% hey, there, lonely girl %%

%% lonely girl %%

%% let me make your broken heart
like new %%

%% hey, there, lonely girl %%

%% lonely girl %%

%% don't you know
this lonely boy loves you? %%

Man:
What do you mean
by "voluptuous"?

Do you mean big breasts,
or do you mean fat?

Man 2:
Arf! Arf! I love dogs too!

I have a great sense of humor,

But you could probably
already tell that.

Man 3:
Yo.

Man 4:
My name is Walter Taylor.

I'm an attorney.

Uh, don't hang up.

I like opera.

Don't delete me.

[piano playing elegant music]

Sarah [laughing]:
So...

Anyway,
I get all dressed up,

And I walk down the stairs,

And I see my father

Sitting there,

Holding a single
yellow Rose.

And it dawns on me...

Is something wrong?

Well, no offense, it's just...

Ah.

I thought you'd be younger,
that's all.

Oh.

Well, you said
your age range was 25 to 45.

Uh, I guess

I was hoping more for 25.

Twenty-three.

Uh...Eighteen.

That's legal.

Oy.

It's nice to be out.

I've been feeling
kind of blue lately.

Yeah, I know, you mentioned
that on the phone, Lennie,

That you're
kind of depressed.

Did I cry?

Well, a little bit.

I've been on...

17 first dates this year.

No second dates.

One went to, uh...

Check her coat,
never came back.

One...

Jumped out at the light
when it changed.

Wow. We're...Almost through
the salad. That's a good sign.

[stifled sobbing]

No.

Lennie.

Please.

Don't!

[sobbing]

Please.

Lennie!

Oh...

%% if you're happy
and you know it %%

%% clap your hands %%

Come on.

%% if you're happy
and you know it %%

%% clap your hands %%

[wailing]

Oh, God!

Man:
Come on. Get her,
get her, get her.

Damn! Ah!

Don't be upset.
I come from a large family.

Lots of male cousins, brothers.
Used to this sort of thing.

Three out of five.

Oh, that's all right.
Maybe later.

Come on.

Your table's
almost ready.

Oh, good.
We're working up
an appetite.

The food here
is fabulous.

It's not cheap, though.

Well, I offered
to pay my half.

And what did I tell ya?

"Marshall's girls
don't pay."

Beautiful.

You'd look really good
in handcuffs.

[cool jazz playing]

Charlie, my boy...
Some nice-looking pieces here.

Really?
I didn't see anyone.

I'm talking about the artwork.
Bet this cost a bundle.

Woman: Hey, guys!
Oh.

Hi!

Charlie:
Speaking of artwork...

Hi, sherry.

Hi, Charlie. Hi, Jake.

How are you?

Let's do two.

That's how they do it in France.

You having fun?

Well, I feel sorry
for the artists
at these things.

All this talent on display,

And everybody here is
just trying to get laid.

I know I am.

You never called me,
mister.

I waited and waited.

I know I am.

I'm sorry, sherry,
it's just that...

I'm not ready right now to be
in a serious relationship.

And with somebody as wonderful
and as beautiful as you,

I just wouldn't expect
anything less.

[gasps, squeals]

Why can't you be
sweet like that, huh?

Man:
Sherry!

Hey, guys.

Short attention span.

You're a sick guy,
you know that?

Just another in a long line
of colossal mistakes.

I'm not answering
an internet ad.

Look at this.
"voluptuous and sensuous.

Must love dogs." wonderful.
Look at the picture.

Well, she is appealing.

She is gonna be really
good-looking when she grows up.

Yeah, I'm surfing porn sites
last night like always.

Which is, uh...
Well, not where I wanna be,

And this girl's profile
just keeps repeating,

Like a sign from Heaven,
and I thought of you.

Tell the prom Queen, "thanks,
but no." I'm still benched.

Too late. You're meeting her
tomorrow at 11. Bring a dog.

No, I'm not.

[%%]

[barking]

Oh, it's okay.

Stop that growling!

Use your words.

[whines]

Stop. Sit!
Stop. Sit!

Stop. Sit!

I don't think he knows
"stop" or "sit."

What else have you got?

Bruno, focus!

Roll over and play dead.

Hey, look at that.
Look at that.

That's very impressive.

You Sarah?

Jake.

Yeah.
Yeah.

Hi.
Hi.

I didn't, uh, recognize you
without the cap and gown.

Oh. Yeah.

Yeah.

This is really amazing.

Yeah.
Um, it is.

You know, when he plays dead,
he really plays dead.

You don't know
the half of it.

He can stop his heart
like a Sufi mystic.

Does he sleep
on a doggy bed of nails?

Yes, as a matter
of fact he does.

Oh.

He feels nothing.

Or perhaps
he feels too much.

[laughs]

I think he wants
his treat now.

You think so?
Yeah.

While he's playing dead?

It might ruin
the whole effect.

I don't know.
He's your dog.

He's actually not my dog.

He's my friend Charlie's.

So you're here
under false pretenses.

No, I'm not at all.

You said "must love dogs,"
not "must own dogs."

I do love dogs.

In fact...I had one
with my ex.

She was allergic. She went
into anaphylactic shock.

So we had to put
her down. The dog.

Not the wife. I'm
kidding about both.
[laughs]

This is a, uh...

This is a beautiful
canine you have here.

Hi.

Yes, this is
mother Teresa.

Yeah. Does she, uh...
Plays with lepers?

Comforts the poor?

Yeah. How long you had her?

Technically,
she's not really mine.

She's my brother's.

I'm shocked
and saddened.

False pretenses.

Well, we are related.
She's family.

And I do really
love dogs.

And my ex
was allergic also.

Yeah?

Yes, he often had
anaphylactic shock.

You're making that up.

Yes, I am.

Me too.

Tell me. I'm just curious
about one thing.
Mm.

Why did you write "voluptuous"?

Oh, my--

No! I did not mean
to be rude at all.

It's just that
voluptuous, you know--

That tends to go
the other way,

When someone uses
that phrase.

Towards the full-figured
end of the spectrum.

Oh, I didn't know there was
a full-figured spectrum.

Yeah, but it's
one of those words

They use in personal ads.

Like "Rubenesque"

Or "weight proportionate
to height," right?

You know, look.
It's your ad.

You can say whatever you want.
I'm-- just for the record.

You know,
girl says athletic,

Usually she means
flat-chested.

Which you're not.

But, um... This isn't
coming out right.

Look, you know,
I'm sorry.

I'm-- I'm a little
nervous.

I'm not used
to meeting people this way.

Really? You seem very
practiced and smooth.

[stammers]

Your ad doesn't do you Justice.
That's what I'm saying.

Well, maybe you should
rewrite my ad for me.

Well, maybe I don't want to.

Why not?

Because maybe I don't want
anyone else to answer it.

Did you plan on saying that
sometime today?

No, I didn't.
But it's good, isn't it?

It is good.

It's a good line.

Maybe we should
try this over again.

Sure, yeah. Okay.

Hi, I'm Jake.

Heh-heh. Sarah.

So why would you
even write an ad?

I mean, you don't seem
that desperate.

Why would you answer one?
Talk about desperate.

Oh, I'm not.
I mean, I didn't.

It was my friend's.
He gave it to me.

I didn't write it.
My sister did.

Your sister's ad.

Your brother's dog.

Those your shoes?

Oh, my! Look at the time!
Oh. Come on, honey.

No, I guess what
I'm trying to say

Is I'd like to get
to know the real you.

I have to get
this dog home,

And you don't want to
go over on your rental.

No, well, maybe we could
try this another time.

You know, without the dogs.

You bet.

I'll call you.

Uh-huh.

You know, Sarah,
for the record...

You are kind of voluptuous
in a minimalist sort of way.

Well, I'm not sure
I'm up for this dinner

At dad's new
girlfriend's house.

He seems really
excited about her.

Where are
Marc and Jason?

Oh, they took the kids
to magic mountain.

I mean, the kids didn't
even really wanna go,

But the dads whined.

Well, they are
so spoiled, those dads.

So how was
your day today?

At the dog park?

How did you know
about that?

Who do you think
you're dealing with here?

You're good.
I have to give you that.

So come on.
Tell me.

Okay.

We got off to kind of
a rough start.

But then it was okay,
you know?

He was a little intense.
He was nervous.

He couldn't stop
insulting me.

Well, I hate to say it,

But you know
what this sounds like.

No, it's not.
But it is.

No, don't say it.
It's a growth opportunity.

I'm not over my last
growth opportunity,

When you stole Danny Shea.

Oh, will you forget
Danny Shea?

He's probably
a convicted felon by now.

Divorced.

Maybe you should call him.
Carol.

What about that Guy
you met at preschool?

You maimed his kid?

Bob Connor.

Yeah.
Mr. Incorrigible.

Carol, I told you I can't.

He's the father
of one of my students.

Yes, honey,
but he's not your father.

That's a big step forward
for you.

Bill!
Dolly!

Mm.

Hey!

What a lovely home
you have, dolly.

Thank
you.

When my third husband died,

I decided to give up
the big house.

Third out of...
How many?

And these potholders?
Wow.

Where did you manage
to find them?

Bill:
Why, everything
in this house

Is handmade by dolly.

Oh, yes. Ha-ha.
She's very creative.

Our mother used to sew
all our clothes

When we were younger.

Sarah.
Well, she did.

Your father told me
all about your mother, honey.

She must have been
a very special lady.

She was.

And you must miss her
very much.

I do.

And you see me
as something

Of an interloper,
I suppose.

Do you want me
to lie down for this?

We're at interloping?
When did that happen?

It's dad's life.
I don't meddle.

Carol, you meddle
in my life all the time.

Well, technically
that's not true,

Because you don't
have a life.

How can you say that?

I happen to have
a very full life.

Did you even check
all of your messages?

There happened
to be a few

That I thought
were very promising.

Like who?
Like who?

Like the engineer
from Oxnard.

With the sexual
dysfunction.

In what way would
he be promising?

You could cure him.

The whole
nurse-patient thing.

Oh, you've got it
all worked out.

I thought it was
very brave of him

To be so forthcoming.

Why don't you
call him, then?

Well, why don't you?
Oh, call him!

Go for it.
I'll give you his number.

Maybe I will.
Go for it.
Okay.

Hey there,
miss Nolan.

What are you doing yelling
in whispering breeze park?

Look who it is.

What a surprise!

Oh, hi, Ms. Nolan!
How are you?

Hi, sweetie.

Austin:
Who's that?

Oh, this is
my sister, Carol.

Nice to meet you.

This is Austin,
my student,

And his dad,
Mr. Connor. Bob.

Actually, I go by Bobby now.

Sarah:
Right.

You live here?

Yeah, they cater to the recently
separated and divorced.

But I'm the youngest guy here
by 40 years,

So it's good for my morale.

My wife and I are gonna
try it apart.

I know.

Will you just
look at her, son?

Is my little girl lovely,
or is my little girl lovely?

Oh, dad, don't worry
about embarrassing me.

Stop it, Bill.
She is cute as a button, though.

So what is it you do,
Bobby?

Sarah never tells us
about her beaus.

I'm finishing my PhD.
In American history.

A biography
of Robert e. Lee.

I always felt sorry for Lee.

Forced to fight against
his old friends

And west point classmates.

Could only dress
in gray. Sad.

She's funny too.
A complete package.

When I need extra money,
I work construction
for my brother.

It sounds very manly.
Do you wear a hardhat?

Sarah was the one who always had
the boys knocking at the door.

Oh, dad.

She had eyes only
for that singer.

What was his name?
Thin fellow.

[snaps]

Looked like a girl.

Mick Jagger.
Carol: No, no, no.

Sarah was saving herself
for David Cassidy.

Like you weren't.

Carol wasn't saving herself
for anybody.

What?

Ah! I remember now.

It was David Cassidy
of the pheasant family.

Dolly:
Bill. Bill, honey.

Partridge family. You know,
I saw him last year in Vegas.

He was good. Hadn't changed
a bit. Same turtleneck.

Sarah had the whole
partridge act down.

She'd put on the little
miniskirt, the go-go boots,

And pretend that
she was Susan dye.

This is all a lie.

Sing the theme song,
Sarah.

Don't make me kill you,
Carol.

You remember the intro.

[imitates instrumental theme]

Both:
%% hello, world %%

%% there's a song
that we're singin' %%

No.

Come on.
Come on!

%% come on get happy %%

%% a whole lot of lovin'
is what we'll be bringin' %%

No.
%% we'll make you happy %%

%% we had a dream
we'd be traveling together %%

%% spread a little love
and then we'd keep moving on %%

%% something always happens
whenever we're together %%

%% we get a happy feeling
when we're singing a song %%

%% hello, world %%

%% there's a song
that we're singin' %%

%% come on get happy %%

%% a whole lot of lovin'
is what we'll be bringin' %%

%% we'll make you happy %%

%% we'll make you happy %%

%% we'll make you happy-ee-ee %%

[laughter]

Carol:
Oh, that was what
he told you.

It was a great night.
Great night.

I forgot how much fun
those humiliating family
sing-alongs can be.

Can I say one thing
about Mr. Incorrigible?

Only if you sing it.

He is hot.
And he likes you.

I can't! It's just my luck.

He's the father
of one of my students.

He has a PhD.
And a great ass.

Let's not get dragged down
by ethics.

Technically he doesn't
have his PhD. Yet.

But, yes,
the ass thing, I know.

God, let's not even
mention the eyes.

The crinkly smile.

No. That would be wrong.
[sighs]

So can I ask you
a question?
No.

You never would have left Kevin.
Would you?

If he hadn't left me.
No, I don't think so.

But you weren't really happy.

Well, I figured that
was the life I picked,

So I had to make the most of it.

I'm not even sure
I deserve a new life now.

Sometimes I think
that was supposed to be

My one Chance and I blew it.

Where did we get these
bad attitudes, you think?

The nuns?

Yeah, that works.

Let's blame the nuns.

Can I say one more thing?

You love me. I know.

I do.

[door closes]

Jake:
I mean, I was
really, really bad.

She did not see
my a-game.

Sounds like she didn't see
your b- or c-game, either.

I'm gonna call her again.
I wanna ask her out.

I need a mulligan.

Dog threw me.
I mean, the sun was
in my eyes.

Pick someone else
and start over.

No, this girl--
there's something really
special about this girl.

You know the expression,
"she took my breath away"?

I mean, she did.
I actually gasped.

I'm off the bench, man.

Think she'll
see you again?
I wouldn't.

You're-- you're not nice.

Like, you're not a nice person.
Aww!

[Bobby Pickett?s "Monster Mash"
playing on stereo]

Hi, June.
Hey, June.

Hi, June.
Heya, June.

Need more cupcakes.
All the dads are
staying for the party.

What's up with that?
I have no idea.

Every Halloween
it's the same thing.

But I guess it's great
how involved they are

In their kids' world,
isn't it?

Yeah.
Yeah.

Why don't you and Eric
come over tonight.

I'll rent a hopelessly
romantic movie.

We can all hold hands
together and cry.

Sounds fun, but we can't.

It's our anniversary,

And we always spend it
just the two of us.

Ah. Sweet.

Seven years ago tonight
we met at my parents' house.

They were trying to fix
Eric up with my sister.

Oops.

Sorry we're late.

Austin drives so slow.

I hope my family wasn't
too embarrassing last night.

Oh, no. Not at all.

They do seem a little bit
involved in your life.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Austin's mom's
from a large family.

That's a lot of people
that don't speak to me anymore.

Thimble full of juice?

Sure. But just one.

To good teachers.

To good dads.

To good teachers
who are also very beautiful.

To good dads who are
dangerously cute and...Charming.

There you go.

[%%]

Ahh!

There's an attraction here,
Sarah.

You can't deny it.

I'm not. I'm trying to
ignore it.

Why?

Well, for one,
Austin is my student.

Two, we're in the puppet closet.
Couldn't we go out sometime,

Out in the real world?

I'm not so good
in the real world.

I was looking at the handbook,

Under "dating, parents
and teachers."

Nothing.
There's nothing there.

Woman:
Sarah.

We need
the emergency pants.

It's an
emergency.

Emergency pants.
Come on, sweetie.

[computer beeps]

Hey, babe, my name is Ron.

Mid-forties, handsome,
totally toned, 5'7",

161 pounds,
give or take a piece of pizza.

No, I'm not kidding.
I'm totally toned.

Call me.
You won't be sorry.

Hi, Sarah, it's Lennie.

I had a wonderful time,
and I'm--

[wailing]

I'll call back.

Hi, uh, Sarah?
It's Jake Anderson,

The idiot from the dog park.

Actually, that was all a test
to see how you respond

To crazy people,
and you passed.

So maybe we could see
each other again.

What do you say? You wanna
give me another Chance?

[traditional
Armenian music playing]

I had a couple
of icebreakers.

I even had, uh,
a few stories for you,

Anecdotes, but I--
I forgot them all.

I think it might be
that dress.

My sister Carol
made me buy it.

I love Carol.

[laughs]

Well, this is a very
charming place.
Yeah.

Good food?
No, not particularly.

But I like the ambiance.

I come here because
I know the owners,

The Parseghians,
that couple over there.

See? They're waving.
They want us to join them.

Oh, well, a few years ago,
in a moment of blazing clarity,

I foreswore ethnic
folk dancing. So...

They'll come over
and say hello, and maybe--

[speaks in Armenian]
how are you? Hi!

How are you?

Hello.

[speaks in Armenian]

Nice, right?
[speaks in Armenian]

Sarah.
Mr. And Mrs. Parseghian.

Hello.
Welcome, Sarah.

Thank you.

[speaking in Armenian]

See you later.
Yes.

We'll drink.
Okay.

Okay.

You speak Armenian.
A little bit.

Well, what did you say?

I asked him, "where
is the youth hostel?"
it's all I remember.

[laughs]
kind of a joke
we have.

What is it
that you do, exactly?

I-- God, no wonder
I live alone.

Oh... Uh, I build boats.

You know, these handcrafted
wooden sculls.

Rowing.
Yeah.

The racing ones.
Really?

Yeah. Yup.
Huh.

Does anyone buy those?
Nope. Not yet.

Everybody wants
all these hi-tech,

Fiberglass, you know...
No turbulence.

Where's the fun in that ride?
I don't know.

But they'll come around.

Well, don't count on me.
I get seasick.

In the bathtub.

Really?
Yeah.

You know what? Can we
just skip all the small talk?

[whispers]
what?

Can we skip the small talk?
Just skip it?

You know, like,
who are you? Who am I?

What are we doing here
together tonight?

I just have this theory that
when you first meet somebody,

That's the time when
you have to be totally honest,

Because you have
nothing to lose.

Five, 10 years down the road,
gets a lot harder.

You can't say one day, say,
"happy anniversary, this is me."

It doesn't work that way.
Know what I mean? This is it.

We'll never see each other
as clearly and as nakedly

As we do in this moment.
Right now. This instant.

I'm really scaring you
right now, aren't I?

Just a little bit. Yeah.

But, you know,
on the one hand,

You're very charming
and interesting,

And you have a lot of energy.

You know, on the other hand,
a little bit scary.

Okay.
Yeah.

Well, here's my story.
Here's what you need to know.

Okay.

I'm just divorced,
and I had my heart broken badly

By a woman
that I really loved.

Wow.

You know, but I think
your heart grows back bigger.

You know? Once you've had
the shit beat out of you.

And, um, the universe lets
your heart expand that way.

I think that's the function
of all this pain

And heartache
that we all go through.

You got to go
through that

To come out to a better place.
That's how I see it, anyway.

What about you?
Why is a dazzling woman
like you single?

Oh... Um...

You can do it.
You can just tell me the truth.

If you know the truth.
Be honest. What have
we got to lose?

You know. After the dinner
we shake hands, good night.

Never see each other again.

All right.

He stopped loving me.

I don't know what I did
or what I didn't do.

He just stopped.

[%%]

I don't think I've ever
said that out loud before.

See, we just totally
had an honest moment.

Now, we can sit back
and enjoy our food,

And, um, get to know
each other. I'm Jake.

[%%]

Condom?
You don't have one?

Why would I have one?
For occasions like this.

There haven't been any occasions
like this.
Oh.

You didn't bring one?
I didn't want to jinx it.

[%%]

So this preschool of yours,
it's traditional?
Developmental?

Montessori?
Yeah, yeah. All that.

Drugstore!
Okay.

[sighs]
there's a rite-aid
on 93rd. Hang a left.

Should I take the freeway,
you think?

Please turn left!
All right.

[car horn honks]

Is this the fastest
you can go?

I could go faster,
but we'd lift off.

[%%]

[tires screech]

You drive.
All right.

Whoa!
Woo!

For the big ones you need
five, six coats of varnish.

For the singles...
It's a little bit different.

There's one
right there. Jackpot!

[%%]

They're out!

How can they be out?!

I don't know.

But I have a theory.

Everybody in the whole city
is having sex

At the exact
same moment, except us.

But we will press on.

[%%]

Oh. Ah.
[sighs]

[sighs]
yay.

What's wrong?

Well...The magic is
gone a little.
Oh.

Okay.

I mean, I--
no, no,
I understand totally.

Look, you know-- look,
there's other things we can do.

I'd be happy just to stay
with you and look at you
all night.

Yeah, I-I haven't done this
in a while. And, um...

And now you don't want to.

Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah.

Hey, that's all right.
If the magic's gone,

That implies there
was once magic there.

And that's not bad
for a first date.

Second date.
Second date.

This is great.

I had a great time.
Me too.

So...Good night.

You still have to
drive me home, though.

Right! Because you
don't live here.

Carol:
Hello.

Don't worry,
it's just me.

I'm in the kitchen.

Filled your
freezer again.

There's now enough meat
to feed every Guy

Who answered
your ad, and still--

Jake Anderson,
my sister Carol.

Hi.

Hi.

Jake did, in fact,
answer the ad.

Do I get my meat?

Thank you.

Sorry to
scare him away.

It's okay. I think
we both realized

It wasn't going
to happen tonight.

What's the matter?
He's so cute.

I don't know.
We had a great night.

Laughing,
really talking.

You had a guy talking,
and you let him escape?

I'm not sure
I actually understood

A lot of what he said.

Doesn't matter.
He spoke.

Are we talking
full sentences here

Or just grunting?
He's quite emotional.

I think I know more
about him than
I do about Kevin.

An emotional man
who likes to talk.

This is a mythical
figure, Sarah.

I don't think
I'm ready for him.

He's looking
for the whole dance,

And I'm just starting
to relearn the steps.

What happened, exactly?
Come on, tell me.

Leave nothing out.

Okay. We really
connected

At the restaurant,
like I said.

But then, where do you
go from there, you know?

How much baba ganoush
can you have?

Then we started
making out,

Which was like being
in 11th grade again.

Then neither one of us
had a condom,

Which I think reflects
some ambivalence.

Maybe I'm just not
cut out for this.

Life in the fast Lane.

Fast Lane? You're not
even on the on-ramp.

Oh, these people
seem happy.

Well, of course they do.
They have a condom.

Marc and I couldn't
find a condom once.

Wanna know what we used?

No.
Saran wrap.

Thank you for that image,
which will stay

In my brain
for the rest of my life.

It was sexy in
a good housekeeping kind of way.

I'll never be able
to wrap leftovers again.

Did it work?

Maeve was born nine months
and one day later.

I don't wanna just
do random dating, Carol.

I wanna be in love.

I wanna wake up next to someone
and see them smile.

Do the whole Sunday
breakfast thing,

Go out and get the paper.

Stay in bed together all day.

Wouldn't we all?

[%%]

Man, this is-- this is
absolutely gorgeous.

I just-- I love this.

I can't believe you built it
with your own hands.

Jake:
Yeah, handcrafted.
Hand-carved.

I mean, I hope you'll find
that it's more than just a boat.

It's a time machine.

I love it. I want it.
I'll take it.

Great.

Did you a lot of racing
in college?

I don't plan
to race it.

Could you cut it
in half for me?

Excuse me?

Yeah, cut it
in half lengthwise.

I think it'd
be easier

To mount on
the wall that way.

Y-you wanna mount the boat?

Well, yeah. I thought
I'd put it in the den.

Because it'd look great
above my big screen.

You know, I think maybe
you should go to Ikea

And buy a canoe.

It's not for sale
in that way.

He-- he's kidding,
right?

Wouldn't that
be nice.

I've had this dream
that it's gonna end up wet.

It's not your fault.
It's just, it's not for sale

In that way at this time.
Ever, really.

Okay. Well, look,
if you change your mind,

I really do want it, so...

Yeah, if I change
my personality,

I'll let you know,
you know, what I become.

Okay.
Thanks so much.

Nice guy.
Stanley owes me
a big favor.

It was a guaranteed sale.

Ah, so what?
Oh, that's right.

You can afford to be picky.
You sold, uh, let's see...

No boats.
No boats at all.

You worry too much.
You really do.

You're in
a good mood.

That must have been some date.

Oh, Charlie, you should
have seen this girl.

She's shy. She's fragile.
She's self-conscious.

She has no idea
how beautiful she is.

She's a mess.
It's fantastic.

I mean, the evening
didn't end up great,

But there were
moments in there--

Moments where
we were completely

And utterly ourselves.

I mean, I was
completely psychotic,

But she was
completely lovely.

Are you thinking
about completely

Closing the sale
anytime soon, or...

See, I tell you about a night
with an unusual woman.

You try to turn it into
some business transaction.

We're not buying and selling
real estate here, Charlie.

And if we were
selling real estate?

We'd be in escrow
this weekend.

[%%]

I see dad's
not alone.

Ah, never.
Not our dad.

I'm not calling
any of them mom,

I'll tell you that.

What is the new one's
name again?

Uh, I believe
that is Marlene.

There's also a Linda,
but I don't think that's her.

That's Dorothy.

Well, who knew.

Hi there.

Aunt Eileen!
Ha-ha!

You look wonderful.

Thank you, dear.

You look fine too.
Considering...

We never liked Kevin.

We couldn't say anything,
but we knew.

That's so sweet.

I hear you're
not seeing anyone.

Is that wise?
With the clock ticking?

Because I have someone
special for you.

Casey Donovan.
Handsome, smart, single.

Aunt Eileen.
Yes?

He's my first cousin.

[ringing]

This is a fine day for
the Nolan family, I tell you.

For my son, Bill Jr.

And young Ryan here,
the confirmation boy.

And old Bill, here.

[people laughing]

I'd like to do a poem,
if I may.

To commemorate the occasion.

Who do you think
he'll go with?

Tennyson.
Browning.

Yeats.

"brown penny."
by William Butler Yeats.

Who knows
her daddy?

I whispered, "I am too young"
and then, "I am old enough"

Wherefore I threw a penny
to find out if I might love

Go and love, go and love
young man

If the lady be young and fair

Ah, penny, brown penny
brown penny

I am looped in the loops
of her hair

Oh, love is the crooked thing

There is nobody wise enough

To find out all that is in it

For he would be
thinking of love

Till the stars had run away

And the shadows eaten the Moon.

Ah penny, brown penny
brown penny

One cannot begin it too soon

Woman: Ah.
Man: Wow.

Man 2:
Beautiful, huh?

Sarah:
So good to see you,
Aunt Emmy.

It's always a pleasure.

Whoa!
Mother Teresa!

Mother Teresa, no!
Stop! Michael.

Mwah. It's okay.
I don't mind.

She doesn't mind.

That's not
the point.

She actually likes dogs.
And me. She just forgets.

Bye.
Sarah. Darling.

Some pressing business
has come up,

And I was hoping you'd
ferry dolly home for me.

Okay.
Sure, dad.

I don't mind staying.

Oh, you're
a sweetheart.

Both of you.

So, what do you think
of my competition?

I don't really wanna
discuss my father's--

Oh, it's okay.
It's okay. I know.

A woman always knows.

Not always.

Your guy go younger?

Yeah.

They always go younger,
don't they?

It does seem to trend
that way, doesn't it?

When they're 80,
they want 60.

When they're 60,
they want 40.

Hell, when they're 80,
they want 40.

And they get it too.
Goddamn supply and demand.

They ought to kill the Guy
who thought that one up.

So you didn't
see it coming, huh?

No. I thought
we were happy.

Maybe not happy-happy,
but, you know, satisfied.

I thought we were happy
three times.

[computer chimes]

Oh, got a live one.

You gotta come
take a look at this.

I love this internet.

It's part fantasy,
part community.

And you get to
pay your bills naked.

They don't
stress that enough

As a selling point.

It's Jeremy in san Diego.

He thinks I'm 16.

He inverted
the numbers in my age.

I didn't have the heart
to tell him.

Oh, no, that would've
been cruel.

He comes to me for advice.
He thinks I'm very mature.

We're pinned.

Oh.

You're on this,
aren't you?

What, just one site?

Yeah.

Honey! You gotta put
more bets on the table.

I'm on at least ten.

You get to try out
different personalities.

Like, here,
I say...

"I'm into opera, antiques,
poetry in the original Greek."

And on this one...
"I like to skydive,

Ride motorcycles
and enjoy rodeo."

But you don't do
any of those things.

It's an ad.
It's like those cars

That say they get
30 Miles to the gallon.

I mean, who knows.

You just want someone to
take you out for a test drive.

I'm just not comfortable
advertising myself this way.

Honey, when you get
to be my age

And you're approaching
your expiration date,

It pays to advertise.

This baby never sleeps.

It's working for me
24 hours a day,

God bless its little
pentium-chip heart.

So, tell me about your ex.

Kevin. He's a fireman.

And cute.
Very, very cute.

I have the calendars.

We met during
a period of my life

When I was dating
all my brother's friends.

My first two husbands were
friends of my brother Dave.

Both of them bastards.

But...Then so was
my brother Dave.

Things seemed to be
going according to plan

With me and Kevin.

[sighs]

We had our work.
We got a house.

And then it was time
to have kids.

But he was never ready.

I was 34.
Then 35, then 36.

Then instead of children,
Kevin decided

To have Veronica.
Ronnie.

Chatty as hell
and 15 years younger.

They got married
two months ago.

Hm.

Did I mention
that she's pregnant?

[%%]

Oh, you.
[barks]

Go get it!

Hey.

What are you doing
out in the real world?

I'm dog-sitting
while my brother and his wife

Are at marriage counseling.

They don't want her to know
they're having any trouble.

You're a dog guy.

You kidding me?
I'm half Labrador.

Throw that ball.
See who gets it.

[laughs]
me or her.

I found him!
I found the one I want!

Austin.
I found my puppy!

You did?

I'm getting
a puppy!

You are?
That's amazing!

It's so exciting!
Oh, I'm so happy for you.

Okay, let's go get him!

We'll be right
behind you, bubba.

Ha-ha.

Bob:
Thought it'd be
good for him.

Great idea.
Yeah.

Yeah, I was
gonna ask you

If you thought
he was too young,

But it's a good age,
right?

I think so. Yes.

Yeah, a boy
needs a dog, right?

Absolutely.

Who else is gonna eat
his vegetables for him?

[both laugh]

I can't tell you
what it means to me

That Austin's
so happy in school.

He's just lucky
to have you in his life.

We both are.

I found him, dad!
I found my puppy!

Come on in.
He wants to kiss you!

Oh, I think you're gonna
need a bigger trailer.

Yeah.

[telephone rings]

Hello?

So, I know our dates aren't
beginning or ending well,

But there's something
in the middle I find intriguing.

Well, it's not dull, is it?

That's a good thing, right?

So, um...

What do you say?
You wanna get together?

You really wanna give it
one more shot with me?

Why?

Are you kidding me?

You're this whole new style,

This whole new system.

Vivid grammar of eroticism.

A completely unique
constellation of attributes.

My Halley?s comet.

Do you write
this stuff down?

No, that actually
came out of my head.

Sometimes I use notes.

[doorbell rings]

Hold on.
Someone's at the door.

Dolly, what a surprise!

I'm in trouble, Sarah.
I need help.

Hello? Sarah?

Everything okay?
Sarah.

She can't talk now.
It's an emergency.

[phone beeps, dial tone]

It's Jeremy from san Diego.
He's here.

I don't see
why this is a problem.

Well, for one thing, Jeremy,
you are 17, and she's--

Forty-one.
Yeah, but those
are just numbers.

Look at Justin Timberlake
and Cameron Diaz.

She's gotta be, what?
A hundred?

Oh, come on, Jeremy,
be nice.

She's probably
the same age as me.

Some people go their whole lives
looking for their soul mate.

I found mine
when I was 15. Sue me.

Fifteen? You said
you were 17.

Oops.

Dude, it is so not cool
to lie to me.

I'm sorry.
I just didn't think

You'd take me seriously
if you thought I was a kid.

Of course
I take you seriously.

You're a wonderful boy, honey.
And we can always be friends.

But just friends.
You know that.

Okay.

And there's something else.

I'm not really 41.

I'm 43.

Do your homework.

[sighs]

I couldn't bring myself
to go over 50.

It wouldn't have been
fair to him.

Mwah.
Good night.

Night.

Thank you, Sarah.

Any time.

Sarah. Hi.

I was in the trailer-hood.
I thought I might stop by.

Oh, good.

Woman:
Sarah? Is that you?

Sarah! Hi!

June?

I-I didn't know you were--

Oh, no, this is good.
We're all here.

We can have a parent-teacher
conference.

Oh, I'll-- I'll just
go home now and go to bed,

And maybe stay there forever.

Sarah has a friend who lives
practically next door.

Oh, wow.
Well, that's cool.

I love weird, huge
coincidences.
Yeah.

You sure you don't
wanna come in?

We just opened
a bottle of wine.

Oh, I think I'd rather die,
but thank you. Yeah.

[%%]

Oh, hi.

Hey. Jennifer
kicked us out.

Both of us.

Oh, Mikey.

God, I'm so sorry.
She'll come around.

I told him it's the holidays.

People are under
a lot of stress then.

I love this guy.
I do. I love him.

I love him.

We've been talking.
We've been here a while.

Love him...

Ah!
Oh, oh!

Let's go.
Come on, Teresa.

I hope it's okay
that I stopped by.

Oh, yes.
Of course it is.

I'm so glad you did.

Good. Because we were
talking on the phone,

And everything was
going really well,

And then a woman said,
"emergency" and hung up.

And I-- I don't know.

I called and no one answered,
so I was a little worried.

I think it's very
sweet of you, Jake.

So it's just
a false alarm?

Yes. Definitely
a false alarm.
Good.

No, my father's friend,
she, uh...

She got into a little
bit of trouble,

And I had to help her out.

And so I went over there
for a while.

And after that I just...
Drove around a while.

Uh, alone.
I was alone, and...

Yeah, alone by yourself,
sure.
Yeah.

Well, anyway,
the reason I stopped by

Was I wanted to invite you
on my boat this weekend.

I don't think that's
such a good idea.

Yes, it is.

No, because I...

Boats are still
on the water, right?

I hope so.
Otherwise I wasted

A lot of time
designing the hull.

Yeah, they-- actually,
they're aquatic.

Well, I don't even
know how to row.

I'll teach you.

I'd love to teach you
how to row.

Okay. How?

A challenge.

[%%]

We'll have
a lesson right now.

Okay?
Okay.

So the thing about rowing
is just you gotta relax,

First of all.

And then it's all about
rhythm...Balance...

Rhythm and balance.
And timing, see?

Watch those oars, pal.

Okay.

And rhythm,
and timing, see?

Balance and rhythm.

See, it's not
that bad, is it?

I like rowing.

And then you wanna
make sure you get,

You know, your hair
out of the way.

Michael:
Whoa, whoa!

[bottles clinking]

That's gotta hurt!

Sarah: Michael?
Jake: You okay, pal?

Oh!

Oh, no. Don't stop
what you're doing.

Mikey!
I was on my way out.

Easy.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Where do you think
you're going?

I just spoke to Jennifer.
Everything's great.

I got the couch,
but the dog's gonna stay.

I think you should
stay here too.

You shouldn't be driving.

I'll drive him home.
Okay?

Yeah.

Oh, I thought
we were gonna, you know,

Row the boat.

Oh, uh, we will.

Just-- just stay
exactly here,

And stay exactly you,
and I'll be back

In about 15 to 20 seconds,
depending on traffic, all right?

Just hold that thought.
Where do you live?

Of course you realize
when Jake gets here,

You're going to have
to excuse yourself.

[doorbell rings]
[barks]

Bob!

Bobby.

No, bob.

You dropped these
on my driveway.

Oh, thank you.

I'm really sorry.

I'm sure that seemed
pretty awkward, huh?

Oh. No, no.
Routine, really.

There's nothing going on
there with me and June.

She and Austin were late
coming back from the museum,

And I made her
stay for dinner.

Well, thank you
for bringing these--

[clears throat]

You're back.

Yeah, he, uh--
he passed out.

He couldn't tell me
where he lived.

Oh.

321 something.

Yeah, that was
all I got.

I'm bob, by the way.

Oh, my manners have
completely left me.

I'm so sorry.
Jake Anderson.

How you doing?

My brother,
Michael.

Oh, sorry.
Here you go.

Pleasure
to meet you.

This is bob Connor,
parent at the school.

We were just,
um...

What were we?

Sarah left stuff
at my place tonight,

Thought it'd be better
to get it back right away.

I'll get
out of the way.

Talk to you tomorrow,
Sarah.

Oh. Yeah. Okay.
Okay.

Nice to meet you guys.

Pleasure.

Uh...
Hey...

I better get going.
Where do you want me to put him?

Maybe I'll put him here.
No, no, no.

You don't have to--

We're sitting
down now, buddy.

[moans]

Yeah, I...

I better get going.

You don't have to go.
You could stay. Sit!

[groans]

No, no, no.
Really, I should go.

[%%]

Jake! Jake,
please let me explain.

You don't have to.
I want to.

I don't have any
claim on you, Sarah.

We've seen each other,
what, three, four times
now? I realize that.

You won't let me explain?

Let me do it for you.
You were lying to me

Because you didn't wanna
hurt my feelings. I get it.

Male narrator:
If the dogs are to prove
their worth as rescuers,

They must overcome their fears.
Again, mass goes first.

She's accustomed to
the deafening noise

And turbulent winds
of the helicopter.

She's made these jumps
dozens of times before.

But the big question is,
how will the rookies--

You could do this.

You could.
They hesitate
at the open door.

[%%]

Hey, I'm gonna head out.

You forgot to
take your headdress off.

No, I didn't.
Any special plans
for the holiday?

Dad's house, a thousand
relatives. How about you?

Eric's parents are back in town.

Okay, now they're
starting to piss me off.

Honey, if you need to cry,
call me.

Got you
on speed dial.

Are we...Okay?

Sure. Why wouldn't we be?

I had no idea you
and Bobby were...

Oh, we're nothing, June.
Me and Bobby.

Well, we're not, either.
Me and him.

But he is one hot dad,
though.

I so don't blame you
for being interested.

"interested"
may be pushing it.

Well, I'm not in that picture.
I just want you to know.

[%%]

[indistinct chattering]

Carol:
I love Thanksgiving.
I'm so glad I'm not cooking.

Woman:
Me too.

Now before we tackle this
succulent-looking bird,

We have some
honored guests
with us today.

Marlene swift,
Dorothy Murphy.

And, uh, Dolly McCann.

Hello, dolly.

[laughter]

All three at the same table.

The man has balls of steel.

We're very proud.

[Joan Jett & the Blackhearts'
"do you wanna touch me?"
playing]

%% do you wanna touch
do you wanna touch %%

%% do you wanna
touch me there? %%

It was a great idea.

It's the perfect place
to spend Thanksgiving.

I'm just sorry
my parents aren't here.

Next year.

You're not afraid
that'd be too sentimental?

Nah, it's an
old family tradition.

They have a great
Sunday brunch here.

Did I tell you
she was a teacher?

Preschool.
Works with kids.

Tiny, tiny little kids.
You want kids?

Oh, yeah. I love kids.
Love kids.

I want that white picket fence.
The whole deal.

She might've been the one.
She was good.

No.
She was interesting.

I had a glimpse.
I caught a glimpse of something.

You gotta stop obsessing
about the dog-park girl, Jake.

I know.
Move on.

I will.

This time you got written out
of act 1. Women are devious.

Self-serving, shallow.

Not you, dear.

Okay! If Casey Donovan's
no good--

"if"? What do
you mean, "if"?

His mother and my mother
were sisters.

Ron Detmer.

He's my optometrist.
He's expecting your call.

How many fingers
am I holding up?

Sarah, great news. I didn't
want to get your hopes up.

But...Two guys in my office
just got divorced.

So much to be
thankful for.

Start with Ritchie, first.

If that doesn't work out,
go with Jerry.

Richie first, got it.
Yeah, definitely go with Richie.

Man:
Let's go.
Come on, baby.

Whoa.
Better watch yourself.

With those girls,
cleaning is a contact sport.

[distant laughter]

He's worth it, you know?
Your dad.

Despite all his shenanigans.

Besides, I'm having
as much fun as he is.

Why don't I believe you?

Look, you care about someone,
they're in a lot of pain...

You cut them some slack.

I just thank God
he doesn't have a bigger table.

Hello.

Uh-oh.

One raised eyebrow.
Never a good sign.

How do you remember
all their names, dad?

Let alone birthdays
and religious affiliations?

I have it all on a disk.
That way--

Oh, I really don't
wanna know.
Oh.

You're in different leagues,
dad, you and dolly.

I think she's starting
to fall for you.

Well, I'm-- I'm sorry I-if--
no, you're not.

Because being a man today

Means never having to say
you're sorry.

I really resent
how easy this all is for you.

You've got women coming
and going, cooking and cleaning.

They're probably out tuning up
your car for all I know.

All that matters
to you guys

Is that the tushies are tight
and the bellies are flat.

Meanwhile, there are
caring, interesting,

Compassionate women
of a certain age,
sitting home alone,

Reading Jane Austen and eating
tubs of ice cream, getting fat,

Which makes them
even less likely to find--

Are we still talking about me?
Because I can't tell anymore.

No, I'm sorry, dad.
I can't either.

It's all right.

I just don't wanna
see dolly get hurt.

I don't, either.

But it's different for me.

I've had the love of my life.

And no one else
could ever touch that.

No one can come close.

So I'm just out there...

Passing the time.

Tap dancing,
if you want the truth.

Maybe if I dance fast enough...

I won't remember what I've lost.

You see?

[%%]

Man:
I'll be right there.

Hi, can I--

Oh.

Look who's here.

It's you.
Yes.

Your worst nightmare.
The single chicken-breast lady.

Hey, you wanna at least
hear the specials?

Ah!

Look, I'm supposed to tell
them to you, that's all.

Just the chicken breast.

It's rough out there, huh?
You wanna talk about it?

You know, you're not
a bartender.

Have you tried the internet?
I mean, it really works.

You know, I met my wife
online, and she--

Chicken. Now.

[Stephanie Bentley?s
"don't it feel good" playing]

%% don't it feel good %%

%% to let yourself go %%

%% don't it feel nice %%

%% from your head to your toes %%

%% don't it feel good %%

%% to set yourself free %%

%% don't it feel right %%

%% when love is the key %%

%% don't it feel good, babe %%

%% ah, come on, yeah %%

%% don't it feel good %%

%% to let yourself go %%

%% don't it feel nice %%

Why not?

%% don't it feel good... %%

And I've been to Italy
a lot too.

I just got back
from Rome,

Where I took this
fabulous in-depth tour

Called "as the Romans do."

The guide was incredible.

I took that tour.
Big, fat guy, right?

And before that,
uh, Switzerland,

Where I got caught
in a snowstorm.

I almost died
in a blizzard once.

I lived up in the alps
for a year.

They had to cut me out
of the snow with scissors.

My aunt had a farm.
In the morning,

We'd warm ourselves
with the coals of the fire.

I learned to make
goat cheese.

It was very Heidi.

[%%]

Well, I just think
it's wonderful

How much you care
about your children, Peter.

Really.

It's not always the case.

I'm a teacher. I know.

Well, it's just
my daughter.

She's 14. But she's
everything to me.

%% don't it feel good %%

%% to let yourself go %%

%% don't it feel nice... %%

Were you surprised
that I called?

Little bit.
But happy.

Well, I figured,
what the hell?

It's time to take
control of my life.

New Sarah.

I liked the old Sarah,
you know?

New and improved.

[Rilo Kiley's "I never" playing]

%% I'm only a woman %%

%% of flesh and bone %%

%% and I wait much %%

%% we all do %%

%% I thought I might
die alo-o-o-one %%

%% but I had
never, never, never %%

%% never, never, ever
never, never, never, ever %%

%% never met you %%

%% so, baby, be good to me... %%

Good morning.

Hi.
Hi.

What time is it?

It's a little after 9.

Oh, damn.

Do you mind if we take that
with us and hit the road?

I don't wanna
run into traffic.

Oh, it's Sunday.

Yeah, I got a game today.

You gonna eat that?

No. Here.

Thank you.

You did sleep with June,
didn't you?

Does it matter, really?

It's just that you told me
nothing happened.

Well, I knew we were
gonna be great together,

And I didn't want anything
to get in the way of that.

And we were.

[scoffs]

Yeah.

That was fun.

Thanks a lot.
I'll call you.

You mad at me?

No, I'm not mad at you.

Good, I was afraid
something had changed--

I'm mad at myself for ever
having trusted you.

For not listening to that voice
in my head that said,

"he is a shallow,
self-centered bastard."

Which is what you are,
you-- you stupid head!

Okay, maybe I have been
teaching preschool too long,

But you know what?
You took advantage of me.

You knew how
vulnerable I was.

You know that I was
the weak impala of the herd,

And you just pounced on that

With that whole sensitive
"dad of the year" act,

And we're adopting a puppy,

And the fake professor thing,
with these fake glasses.

These aren't even real,
are they?

[lens shatters]

Oh. Sorry.

I just hate guys like you.
I hate guys like you!

[door slams]

[%%]

[water running]

[sobbing]

But this is a good look
for you, Sarah.

You've gone beyond pajamas
and are now wearing the bed.

Oh, God. I just went
after the wrong guy again.

Like always.

I slept with a man
who's not my husband.

[gasps]

I'm promiscuous.

We should redo
your profile

And put that in it.

[all laugh]

Oh, God. I'm a complete
and total love failure.

[laughing]
oh, no.

Stop it.
It's not that funny.

Stop laughing.

What about
that cute guy I met?

Condom man.

Oh, yes, that's how
he likes to be known.

Condom man?
He sounds like a superhero.

I can't.
He hates me.

And I don't blame him.

No, I had my Chance
with him, and I blew it.

Let's go watch beaches.

Oh, my God.

When they remake
this thing,

They gotta add
a happy ending

And a little nudity.

They won't remake it.

Nobody wants to watch

This kind of yearning nowadays.

It's too painful.

Modern man can't take it.

This has gotta end,
Jake.

There's a world out there
beyond Zhivago-land.

You gotta forget about
the dog-park girl
and live again.

You think your friend Stanley
still wants to buy my boat?

Let him chop it,
stick it on his wall.

Call him.

Seriously?

Tell him to come by
the boat basin this weekend.

I'll-- I'll row it down myself.

And call some of those insane,

Pansexual girls
you're so fond of.

I want a date every day
until Christmas.

[doorbell rings]

[gasps]
where have you been all my life?

Waiting for you.

Ha.

You are absolutely perfect.
You know that, don't you?

I do.

But it's still
nice to hear.

Hello, hello!
Hi.

Mwah!

Look at you,
cute jammies.

Already in them.
A little early for that.

Come on. Have a seat.

Eric, come on.

All right. Now.

Eric and I are here
to cheer you up,

And we have
many options.

I'm ready.

First, there's line dancing
at the grove.

Very southwest, mid-'80s.

Too gay.

Or...

We can use these
teacher gift certificates

For midnight
manicures.

Perfect. Can we do that?

That's not too gay?

No.

He keeps the mystery alive,
doesn't he?

[laughs]

What color?

White. Caucasian.

What color nail?
After wax?

Um, I don't know.
What do you think?

Your nail, not mine.

The light pink one.
Yeah.

Not much love life, huh?

You're not getting
younger.

Did you hear that?
What is that?

Why do I always get
the surly manicurist?

I don't know.
Does a good job, right?

Oh, my God.
[gasps]

Oh, my God.

Whoo!
I'll be right back.

Jake!

Jake!

Sarah.

Jake! Hi.

Hi.

This is so weird,

Because I've been thinking
about you so much.

Nice to see you.

Oh, you're, uh...

You're all...
You look like--

I keep thinking about you.

What do they call those?

Pot-- pot-- pot sticker.
The-- the potholders.

Hi. I'm ready, Jake.
Sorry I took so long.

Hi. I'm sherry.

Hi.

This is Sarah.

We just saw doctor Zhivago
at the grand.

Yeah.

Oh, doctor Zhivago.

It's Jake's
favorite movie.

I didn't get it.

Oh, I've seen it,
like, 20 times.

Really?
Really?

Yeah.

Why? It's
so depressing.

Everybody's freezing
their asses off.

They're communists,
right?

Yeah.

I guess I keep hoping
that one time

Lara and Yuri will
get together again.

In the springtime, preferably.
And wear shorts.

Okay, but they can't,
because it's just a movie.

It's a book too.

Yeah. That's cruel.

Yeah.

Anyway.

Oh.
Oh, thanks
for bringing that up.

Oh!

Okay, I have to go
get de-waxed.

Sarah, it was really nice
seeing you again.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you...
Not again.

Yes. Thank you.

Yeah. Bye.

Do you wanna be
Russians tonight?

Let's go.

Well, sherry, I think
I'm gonna say good night.

You're not coming in?

No, I'm kind of tired.
I'm-- I'm gonna go home.

Aren't we gonna
do the Russian thing?

Nyet.

That's Russian for "no."

Oh.

Was it something
that I did--?

No, no, no, no, no.
I'm just really tired.

Tired. Yeah, it was
a long movie.

Really long.

Ha, ha, ha.

[snorts]

Bye.

It seemed like it was
gonna be so perfect.

You chase him
down the street.

He turns.
He sees you.

He takes you
in his arms.

Fireworks explode.

[sighs]
it's happily ever after.

You're leaving out the part
where he was with another woman.

I say you call him.

Or better yet,
go over there,

Break into his house,
throw yourself at him,

Make a complete fool
of yourself.

It worked for me.

It was very effective.

No, he's with someone else.

I have to face it.

It's just not gonna
work out with us.

And you'd really like it to,
wouldn't you?

Mm-hm.

I can't take this.
This is breaking my heart.

Mine too.

But let's look
on the bright side.

Your nails look fabulous.
They do.

They look so good.
Let me see those.

Thank you, guys.
Look at these hands.

[theme of doctor Zhivago
playing on TV]

Turn around. This is
your favorite part.

She's wearing
that hat you like.

That's my side,
thank you very much.

Mother Teresa.

[sighs]

I love you too.

[sighs]

[%%]

You like her?

Oh, she's a handsome boat.

Yeah.

Reminds one
of the longboats

They would run out
of the sweet harbor

At Bantry Bay.

Actually, I designed this one
based on a Portuguese boat.

But historically,
you're correct, yeah.

You're telling me
you built this boat yourself?

Yes, sir.
You build boats?

No, no.

Truth be told, I don't know
the first thing about them.

But I do appreciate
a work of art.

Oh, well,
thank you, sir.

I'm about to sell
this work of art

To a guy who's gonna
cut it in half

And stick it on his wall.

No.

Yeah, yeah.
I'm about to take her out

For a last paddle before
I meet the butcher at noon.

Why would you wanna
do a thing like that?

It's a long story.

Something about the violation
of expectations

And a crushing loss of Faith
in love and life and art.

So it's a girl.
Yes.

I've had a little girl trouble
myself lately.

But better to have
loved and lost. Am I right?

She was a unique
constellation of attributes.

She was...My Halley?s comet.

But the universe is designed
to break your heart, yes?

A philosopher as well
as an artist.

Yes, it's we
who suffer most.

Yes.

With the possible
exception being

The victims
of violent crime.

It's been a pleasure
to meet you, sir.

No, no, no.
Pleasure's all mine.

Jake.
Bill.

You know, I have
a daughter who would--

No, no, no.
Never mind.

No, sorry.

[gasps]

Well, this is a surprise.

Oh. Can't a father pay
a visit to his daughter

On a beautiful
Sunday morning?

Carol called you,
didn't she?

She's afraid I'm getting
into my pajamas again.

Actually, uh,
Carol called Christine.

Christine called Michael.
Michael called me.

Any word from aunt Eileen?

She said to tell you
that Casey Donovan was adopted.

If that helps.

Well, at this point, he's
starting to look awfully good.

He's out there, Sarah.

Someone who'll appreciate
all you have to offer.

After all, you're this unique
constellation of attributes.

You're Halley?s comet.
You're--

What did you just say?

It's a nice turn of phrase,
but it's not my own.

I heard it from a young man
I met this morning.

Builds beautiful Irish boats.

Ah, poor lad.
Had his heart broken

By a woman
he deeply cared about.

Deeply.

Jake. Jake!

Hello there.

Hi. Hi.
I'm looking for Jake.

Jake Anderson.
Is he here?

Uh, no, he isn't.

But lucky
for both of us, I am.

Oh, I really don't
have time for this.
You know where he is?

You're "must love dogs,"
aren't you?

You've already crushed
the poor guy.

He's been moping
for weeks.

He's even given up
the whole wooden boat thing.

Really, you've done enough.

No, no, no.
That's all wrong.

I have to talk to him.
Where is he?

I can't tell you that.

I said, where is he?

I'm not telling you.

[growls]

You know the bridge
by the boat ramp?

[%%]

Jake?

Jake.

Jake!

[dog barks, whimpers]

Excuse me, I'd like
to rent a boat, please.

I'm sorry,
we're all out of boats.

[girls chattering
indistinctly]

All right,
come on.

Girl:
Oh, a love chase.

Come on, girl,
you can do this.

This is really important to me.

Come on.

I think he could be the one.
[barks]

Coach:
Come on, girls,
let's get going.

Coxswain:
Push! Push!

Push! Push!

Push, push!

Push, push!

Push, push!

Sarah:
That's him! I see him!

Jake! Jake!

Stop the boat!

Never mind.

Okay, girl, here we go.

Jake!

[%%]

[dog barking]

Girl:
Here she goes.

[whining]

Jake!

Jake:
What are you doing?

All right. Here we go.
All the way up. Almost.

Come on, girl.
Come on.

Good girl, you can do it.
All right. Here we go.

All right, watch your paw.
Easy, easy.

All right, okay.

Cold. Cold.
Very cold.

There we go.

Thank you.

Was there something
you wanted to say to me?

Yes.

Could have just called.

Perhaps that would have been
the wiser course, yes.

Well, what's up?

I owe you my story.
You asked me for honesty,

And it scared
the hell out of me,

And I held back.

And I didn't wanna
let you see the real me.

Because I was afraid
of getting hurt again.

But listen, I hear
that the universe

Lets your heart expand

And grow back even bigger

After you go through
all that pain.

Well...I believe that now.

And I was just wishing
there was a way

That I could have another
Chance to make this work.

[%%]

Man:
I'll be right with you.

Hi, how can I--

Uh-oh. Don't worry.
I got it.

Single chicken breast,
no dating advice.

Coming right up.

Actually, I would like to have
three whole fryers, please.

And six pork chops.
And a lamb shank.

And, uh, do you have any
dog bones back there?

If you do, throw one
in the cart.

What are
the specials today?

Yes!

[quietly]
thank you.

[Ryan Adams & the cardinals'
"dance all night" playing]

Sarah:
We need more hot dogs.

How many people
are going to this thing?

%% she ain't lonely now %%

Hey!
Hey!

Down!

%% see her shuffle
across the floor %%

Down!

%% yeah, she's happier now %%

%% see her smile
and say come on %%

%% let's dance all night %%

%% let's dance all night %%

%% yeah, I think she'll
be all right %%

How did we meet?
Oh.

Oh, that's a great story.

Great story.
Tell it. Tell it, hon.

Well, actually,

It's-- it's a very
romantic story.

You tell it, Carol.
No, go ahead, honey.

No, no, really.
You should.

She tells
this story great.

You don't remember,
do you?

Don't remember?
How we met? Ha.

I don't remember.

But I love her.

I love her!

Love is not reserved
for the young, you know.

As the poet said,

"grow old along with me.
The best is yet to be."

Yeats?
No.

Tennyson?
No.

Browning.
Browning.

Who knows her daddy?

Oh, my gosh,
I did not think

I was ready
to settle down, but...

Look at the size
of this rock.

And, oh, you wanna
know what else?

I'm gonna get, um,
a cute little tattoo

In someplace that's
n-o-n of your business.

And, um, wanna know
what it's gonna say?

Mrs. Casey Donovan.

Hm.

The best place
to meet someone

Is Parseghian's
Armenian restaurant

In Korea town.

I don't care
if you're young,

You're old,
you're single,

You're divorced--

[speaks in Armenian]

I'm getting there.

[speaks in Armenian]

7100 first street.

Wednesday,
mother-in-law night.

All she can eat.

[in Armenian]

In a dog park.
Dog park, yeah.

Yeah.

It's true.
I know.

I was very--
I was nervous.

We had no idea at the time
that we could ever wind up...

Oh, that's
not true. I did.

You did not.
I did too. I did too.

I have a theory
about this.

He has lots
of theories.

I do. This is
actually a good one.

I took some notes.

God, you're so
prepared for this.

You grow up.
You're an adult, right?

And you think
you have all this
worldly experience.

Right, that's
the point a.

You think your
personality is formed.

And then you think
you're complete.

But then you
meet somebody.

You start feeling
new things.

And you start
feeling

Excruciatingly
painful things.

You get
confused, right?

Um, you get
nauseous.

And I think when you
get really nauseous,

It's like
the completion of self.

The person who can
fill the final void.

Uh-oh.

That's what it was like
when I met Sarah.

Anyway, that's what I...
I made you nauseous.

In a good way.
I was lovesick.

[laughing]
that was good, honey.

[Susie Suh's "Shell" playing]

%% the time is comin' %%

%% it's comin' soon %%

%% I feel it in my bones %%

%% I feel it in my shoes %%

%% I was lost
but now I'm found %%

%% and all my troubles
are turnin' around %%

%% so I'm tearing down
the walls inside %%

%% letting go
of all my pride %%

%% to make a home
for the light %%

%% I don't need
to hide inside %%

%% this shell %%

%% this shell %%

%% no more %%

{{{ the end }}}