Mushrooms (1995) - full transcript

(rooster crowing)

(gentle music)

(sea birds calling)

- We here commit the body
of our dear brother John

to the ground, earth to earth,
ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

In the name of our Lord Jesus
Christ

who died, was buried, rose again
for us

and who shall change our mortal
body,

that it maybe be like his
glorious body.

Thanks be to God.

(playful music)



(police siren blaring)

(people murmuring)

- [Woman] Excuse me.

(woman gasping)

- You have a room available to--

- [Woman] I'm not sure if it's
still--

- Upstairs is it?
- Yes but.

(lamp shattering)
(sirens blaring)

Oh wait!
- I'm very easy to get on with

no fuss, no bother.
- Excuse me!

- Quiet as a tomb.

You won't even know I'm here.

- Excuse me!

Oh hey! No!



- Very nice, very nice.

Double scheme, oh yes, very
tasteful.

- [Woman] That's my room!

- [Man] I need a room with a
window.

It's my condition, can't
stand to be hemmed in.

- Well, I'm sorry about your
condition.

This is my room, would you
kindly remove yourself.

(man grunting)
- Ah!

- [Woman] Someone at the door
Flo.

(knocking on door)

- For rent.

- Flo!

(knocking on door)

All right, I'll get it.

(Flo grunting)

- Catch your breath.

(knocking on door)

(door creaking)

- [Woman] Yes?

- Hello Minnie.

Haven't been around to
see you in a long time.

But then there's been no
reason since Jim and Albert

went to that big pawn shop in
the sky, eh?

- Oh it's you is it, Sergeant?

- Constable.
- Still?

- Just climbing the ladder,
Minnie.

Sometimes you gotta wait
for someone to fall off.

This is Detective Sergeant
Instep, Minnie.

New boy from head office.

Gonna show us all how it's done.

Minnie Halloran.

- Shhh.

- This is all that remains of a
once

thriving commercial empire.

(guitar string vibrating
discordantly)

Did half my training in here.

Used to be quite a regular.

Every time a truck lost
its load, we'd call around

to see Albert and Jim.

Who were always happy to
assist us with our inquires,

weren't they Minnie?

Now, since the lads have
had all their pawn tickets

redeemed at once, well,
nothing left but junk.

Ah well.

- We're looking for
this man, Mrs. Halloran,

name of Grubb, you seen him?

- Come on Minnie look a little
harder.

- Ah, some of these would almost

be collector's pieces I suppose.

I mean, the right man
would go out of his way

to find a piece like that.

Does it work?

- [Minnie] Nothing in here
works.

- Well, I'm sure all she needs
is a little

tender loving care, soon
get her to light up.

- Would take skill and a
certain amount of patience.

- But she'd respond well,
and be worth the effort.

- Better off with a new
one, less mucking about.

- Oh no, give me the
tried and true any day.

- You have receipts Minnie,
before Detective Sergeant Instep

makes an offer, I'm sure he'd
like proof that what he's

buying is kosher.

- I'll trust my instincts on
this one, thank you Constable.

- I think you'd better
see a receipt Sergeant.

- What?

- A good policeman is always on
the alert.

Lateral thinking.

Observation.

Didn't they teach observation in
your day?

- No, no I don't know him,
never seen him before.

Has he done something awful?

- Oh yes he has.

- He might be able to assist
us with our inquiries.

- You'll let us know if he turns
up?

- I'll get on the phone
straight away Inspector.

- Sergeant.

- Ah, well you certainly look
like an inspector Sergeant.

Sergeant?
- Harry.

- Minnie.

- I'll think about the lamp.

(playful music)

You're looking for a lodger?

Nip down to the station,
get my bags, will you?

- Your Joking.

- Quick as you can, eh?

Constable.

(door closing)

(water dripping)

- Ugh, that's disgusting.

(Flo gasping)

You old diddle you. (laughs)

- [Minnie] Flo, Flo, are you
there?

It's next to mine Sergeant.
(giggles)

- Uh uh yes Minnie.

- [Minnie] Come out and
meet Sergeant Instep.

He's interested in our room.

- I'm, I'm not dressed.

- [Minnie] Well, hurry up then.

- One word, just one word.

And if they get me, they're
gonna get you.

Now get out there and get rid of
him.

- Oh, oh.

- This is the room Sergeant.

- Harry, Harry please.

- A copper in this house?

Have you got no respect for the
dead?

- Let them rest in peace, rest
in peace.

- Well, it's a nice big room.

Catch the afternoon sun,
wouldn't it?

- Not much of a room Sergeant,
you'll be used to better.

It's a bit damp, gotta be
careful at your age Sergeant.

- Harry, this is Flo.

Harry's looking for someone
called Grubb.

- Pleased to meet you.

Reginald Grubb.

Grubb by name, grubby by nature.

You seen him?

- [Flo] Uh no, no, never seen
him.

- Better off, he's a vicious
bastard.

- You know him?

- Oh, just is his record and
what he's been up to today.

Well suit me fine.

- He's a copper.

- Come on Flo don't be silly.

- Here's a hundred towards
the first month's rent.

- That's the bathroom.

Cup of tea?
- Oh yes please.

- You hear that?

Vicious bastard.

You get out of here before he
gets back.

- You can get three
years for shop lifting.

Especially if you've had past
dealings

with the boys in blue.

At your age, three years could
be life.

Beautiful room Flo.

Now get rid of him.

- Psst! Psst!

Oh uh Minnie come here.

- Gotta make the tea Flo.

- Come here.

- Harry's waiting for his cup of
tea, Flo.

- Forget his tea, come here.

- Look, I'll just put the kettle
on first,

you go and take down the
notice, will please Flo?

- Notice?

You and your bloody notice,
just leave it there,

we could be running a
boarding house by nightfall.

Maybe we can score a detective
inspector

or a superintendent.

- Don't be silly Flo, the room's
taken.

Just go and get it.

I've gotta make the tea.

- You put it there, you get it.

I will make the tea.

- Oh come on Flo, go on.

- Ask Harry to do it, I'm
sure he'll understand.

(playful music)

(Minnie breathing nervously)
(lock clicking)

(Minnie gasping)

- [Grubb] You wonderful woman.

- Thank you Flo, very good
of you, bring the tray.

- He's here, he's, come back
here.

- That's Flo's Albert.

Sit down, you must be tired,
out investigating all day.

Oh, I'll be mother.

This'll fix you.

- Very kind of you Minnie

and Flo.

Yes, I must admit I am
used to a less strenuous

and more scientific mode of
investigation.

- Sugar?
- No, no thank you.

- Sweet enough already, eh?

- We're out of milk Minnie.

Why don't you nip out and get
some?

- Oh, not on my account,
please, black's fine.

- Flo's just been out
doing a bit of shopping,

haven't you Flo?

- Well somebody has to.

- And she forgot the milk.
(laughs)

Nevermind, you can pick it up
next time.

Yes, a man like you would be
wasted

pounding a beat Inspector.

- It's Sergeant!

Sergeant.

- Yes, sergeant, and proud of
it.

Brains before brawn, that's my
style.

Detection, a rag and a
bone and a hank of hair.

A footprint, a fingerprint,
the pure and eloquent blood.

Tools of the intelligent copper.

But I mustn't bore you ladies.

- Oh no, I love to hear a
man talk about his work.

- You're a bit old to be in
lodgings.

A room, a bed, a chair, a man of
your age

usually has a home to go to.

I suppose you won't be staying
very long though, will you?

Passing through.
- Oh.

- I mean people don't stay
very long in lodgings do they?

- No, I suppose not.

Well, I had a home, but cut all
the strings, sold the house.

Been pretty empty since my Nell.

Too many memories.

I was going to get a police
digs,

but they they're full of
policemen!

- Still, you wouldn't want to
lose them.

The memories.

- No, no.

But I needed a change, new
faces.

Got myself a transfer.

Always wanted to live near the
sea.

I'm gonna like it here.

(playful music)

- Gifts from our husbands.

- Our late husbands.

(knocking on door)

- Oh, that'll be my bags.

Excuse me.

- He's upstairs.

The one in the photo, Grubb.

- What?

- In my room, he won't get out.

- Well what's he doing there?

- Well he wanted a room and
he saw your damn notice.

(Minnie sighs and tsks)

- What'd you do that for?

Bringing a criminal into our
home.

You better tell Harry.

- You're crazy!

You're darling bloody
Harry is a policeman.

- I know that, that's
why you should tell him.

- He'll tell them about my
shopping.

Look, he gave me all this.

- Well, go up and get rid of
him, quietly,

before Harry finds him.

- Me? I didn't want a lodger!

- You can't steal electricity
Flo, or gas, or water.

Ye?
- Mm? Mm, no.

- Now, you go up, give him his
money back

and tell him he'll have to go.

- Well, back again.

- Another cupper Harry?

- Oh no no, this is fine.

(playful music)

(thunder rumbling)

- Right.
- What time is it Minnie?

- Sunset Flo, I don't
know what time it is.

- Would you look for me please?

- Soon Flo, soon.

Now, tell me what you can see,
out there.

- I'm watching the sun go down.

- Is it a good sunset?

- Come and look for yourself.

- Now, now, Flo, I don't want to
see it.

You know I don't.

Now tell me.

- It's a moderately good sunset.

It has some clouds to make it
interesting,

but not so many as to make it
dark.

There's a wind, but the
clouds do not appear

to be moving.

I think it's cold.

- [Minnie] How long before
darkness?

- Be dark later.

- Will it rain?

- I don't think so.

Not before sunset.

There's a man.

- Is he big?

- [Flo] He can't see
us, he's too far away.

- [Minnie] Is he coming this
way?

- I think he'll turn at the
corner.

Has a hat on, cap, don't know
what color.

All the colors look the same.

And a long coat, his
hands are in his pockets.

Now, now he's gone the other
way.

He looks tired.

- He'll be going home from work.

Home to his wife and child.

- Or to his rented room, he's
probably living in somebody

else's house, parasite.

(Flo sighing)

Your Jim liked to sit here.

There's a mark on the sill
where he rested his pipe.

Perhaps we should have
it painted, the sill.

- [Flo] You're making a fool
of yourself Minnie Halloran.

Throwing yourself at him at your
age.

- [Minnie] At my age,
what have I got to lose?

Might never get another chance.

- [Flo] Anybody's,
anybody's always the same.

- [Minnie] That's rich, coming
from you.

- [Flo] That was a long time
ago.

And a copper.

- [Minnie] Can't keep a good
girl down.

(microwaves buzzing)

Harry, dinner.

Saves dishes.

- Does that heater work, up in
my room?

- We've been meaning to get that
fixed.

- Don't give it another thought.

I'll have a go at it.

Save ya a few bob.

- Hm.

- [Harry] Ah hah.

- [Flo] Well, I don't like
him up there, poking about.

He's a copper.

Copper's poke about.

Never know what he might
stick his copper's nose into.

(gas hissing)
And that other one.

We've lost half this house in
one day.

- Piece of cake.

I'll just say good night,
ladies.

I'm up early tomorrow.

- Wouldn't like a cupper, Harry?

I could defrost something for
your supper.

- Oh, keeps me awake.

- I'll remember that.

Don't worry about Flo, she'll
come 'round.

- Good night.

(meloncholy music)

- Minnie, when did you
last change these sheets?

- I wasn't expecting company.

Been a while since you've
been in this bed, eh, Flo?

Better company last time.

(Minnie giggling quietly)

(gas hissing)

(birds calling)

Tastes funny, dusty.

- Nonsense, nothing wrong with
it.

It feels very strange
not wearing knickers.

I don't think I've had my
knickers off for so long

since before Albert died.

Long before Albert died.

Long long before.

- There was a time when
you'd get in and out of them

at the drop of a hat.

- Oh! Not me, Minnie Halloran.

- Anyway.

You didn't have to wash them.

- Walk around dirty, no thank
you, no thank you very much.

- You could have borrowed some
of mine.

- There's a limit Minnie.

- [Minnie] Never know it.

You've borrowed what's mind
before.

- Let it rest.

- Well you make sure you
let it rest with Harry too.

You have to get rid of him,
before Harry gets back.

Do you want me to come with you?

I suppose he's still there.

He might have gone at night.

Oh hoho, you sure you
didn't just make it up?

Wishful thinking, eh?

A man in your bed?

Or to get rid of Harry, I
wouldn't put that past you.

(knocking on door)

(Minnie inhaling)

Can you smell gas?

- That'd be loverboy, our
friendly neighborhood police,

master detective, plumber and
gas fitter.

(knocking on door)

(door creaking)

(women coughing)

Open a window.

(women coughing)

- [Minnie] He's dead Flo.

- Oh nonsense, not in my
room, he's asleep, that's all.

Come on, don't be so silly.

Come on, wake up.

- I know dead, I've seen
dead, he's dead, he's dead.

He's just lying there still.

He's not moving, on the bed,
dead, dead.

On your bed Flo, he's dead on
your bed.

Just like Albert, on his back.

That's a lovely dress Flo.

- Your Jim gave it to me.

- I knew.
- Yes, I suppose,

I knew he wouldn't keep it from
you.

I need it you see.

And it made me feel alive again.

And Albert wouldn't have bought,
well,

not then he wouldn't anyway.

And it was a lovely dress,
lovely.

- And you look lovely in it.

- Well thank you Minnie.

Ruined now.

- Oh, it's been so long
since there's been a man

in this house.

The gas Flo.

Reminds me of your Albert.

In exactly the same spot.

- Nothing like Albert, Albert
was a gentleman, clean.

- Yes, yes he was.

- Didn't even take his boots
off.

(phone dial scraping)

- What are you doing?

- [Minnie] I'm calling the
police.

- Police, please, no more
police.

I just wanna report it, you've
gotta report a death Flo.

- Think about Minnie,
think about it Minnie.

- But you've got to report a
death.

- They'll snoop, they'll poke
about.

They'll investigate,
they'll ask questions.

What about all this frozen food,
ma'am?

And two television sets?

Two refrigerators?

Two video recorders?

And what about all this silver,
hm?

And what was this criminal
doing in your house?

They'll think we killed him.

- No, no we didn't do it.

- They won't believe us.

- But you've got to report a
death, Flo.

We reported Jim's and Albert's.

- They'll arrest us you silly
old bat.

- An unsubstantiated sighting.

- Unsubstantiated?

- An unsubstantiated sighting.

- You called 'em off too soon.

- I suggest you leave the
deployment

of my men to me, Sergeant.

- Another day and we'll have
him.

- Out to graze.

How long have you got?

Six months?

Well let me spell it out for
you,

though God knows you should know
by now.

I have the best figures
in the metropolitan area.

- Congratulations.

- Then an unsubstantiated
sighting puts Grubb

on my patch.

I think our informant made a
mistake.

What do you think, Harry?

I don't expect you to
achieve anything Harry,

but you had better not
repeat old mistakes.

This is a small community here.

I know everybody.

Everybody knows me.

We're friends.

I have taken a long time
to establish this rapport,

we have worked out a protocol.

- Protocol?

Nice word.

- We don't make waves.

We forget Mr. Grubb.

He's gone, no longer my problem.

- [Constable] Cup of tea?

- Protocol.

Take a note, Constable,
protocol.

We don't make waves.

- Thank you Harry.

Sergeant Instep was a great help
to me

when I was a constable, Lynch,

I'm sure you'll benefit
from working with him.

- Settling in nicely.
- What?

- Moved in with Minnie
Halloran and Flo Smithers.

- Instep?

In that house? (laughs)

Silly bugger.

Don't waste my time.

(gentle music)

- Bury him, out in the back.

- Oh sure, you on pick, me on
shovel,

by the light of the moon
with ghosties and ghoulies

and things that go bump in, in
the night.

- Well, we've got to get rid of
him, it.

We've gotta take him away
somewhere.

Before Harry gets back.

What's he gonna think of a
woman who kills a lodger?

- Copper in the house.

Where?

- Anywhere.

A river? Tip?

- Mm mm they'd find
him, it, and how anyway?

I couldn't lift that.

- Well, leave 'im.

Leave him there until he just
goes a way.

- That is my room.

- Till he just fades away.

- Have you any idea how
long that would take?

- Old soldiers never
die, they just fade away.

- All my clothes are in there.

That's my room.

- All right.

All right.

Come on.

- Minnie!

- Come on.

Come on, before Harry gets back.

We'll have to do it in the bath.

Little bits, little bits.

Cut off.

- Bit at a time.

In our handbags?

- In our pockets.

- Under our coats.

- Wrapped up like parcels.

- Gladware back in the
supermarket.

No, no.

- Come on.

(ladies grunting)

Well, let's get rid of that
first.

Hold it across the board.

- No, no, really you don't,

- Take his arm!

Now stretch it tight.

(Flo gasping)

That's the way you do
it, a nice clean cut.

Flo, just try to think of
it as beef, Flo, or lamb.

Just like in the supermarket.

Right, turn him over,
let's do the other one.

When I was eight years old,

my father slaughtered my pet
lamb.

I'd only ever seen him
kill chickens before.

Never a real animal.
(knife thudding against wood)

Right.

Sling them in the sink
and let's get on with it.

Get his shirt off.

Shouldn't be too much trouble
now.

Of course it wasn't a lamb
anymore.

Fat smelly old gram,
chicken blood though he was.

Always in trouble with
the rest of the flock.

Had to go.

Big nice roast.

Now I think I'll start with loin
chops

followed by spareribs.

- [Flo] Oh.

- Somebody loved him.

He's got good thighs.

Such a waste.

Turn him over.

Few T-bone, some chunk, not
roast.

- What about those bits?

- We'll probably have enough
left over

for a few pound of mince.

- Manly bits.

- Considered a delicacy by some
Flo.

(electric knife whirring)

- Hurry up, darling
Harry will be back soon.

I'm not going alone.

- No Flo, you'll be all right,
go on I'll put the kettle on.

- [Flo] You are coming with me.

- Go on, you'll be all right.

- Put your coat on!

(train whistle blaring)

Come on now.
(Minnie whimpering)

Stand big.

- Excuse me ladies.

I think one of you must have
dropped this.

- Thank you officer.

- Nice leg of lamb is it?

Somebody's in for a good dinner.

- She's so forgetful
lately, I can't let her out

on her own at all.

(train whistle blowing)

- Don't move.

Soon as one passes.

(train wheels clacking)

Throw the bloody thing!

Hurry up.

No, no stop!

(train whistle blowing)

(bell on door ringing)

- Close the door, close the
door.

Can't do that again Flo.

What are we gonna do with the
rest of him?

- Thought I heard
someone, come on through,

I've got a present for ya.

(chickens clucking)

Nothing like fresh eggs.

Nell and I always kept a few
chucks.

I hope it's all right?

- Yes, of course it's all right.

It's a great idea.

Isn't it Flo?

Flo?

Flo?

- A good detective gathers
information and applies

logic, clear thinking and
deduces.

Deduction and science.

What they can't figure out
from what you vacuum up

off the carpet or scrape off a
shoe.

Or if you'll pardon me,
recover from the contents

of a stomach.

And they'll come back
with the criminal's age,

his height, the color of his
hair

and his maternal grandmother's
address. (chuckles)

(melancholy music)

(chickens clucking)

- [Minnie] Just a little
something to keep you going.

- Oh thanks.

(bell on door ringing)

(Minnie humming)

- Harry's gone.

He said, that's why they were
after him.

- We can't spend it.

- Why not?

- Because he'd be waiting,
your bloody Harry.

Waiting for someone to spend up
big

and then he'll pounce.

- No he won't.

No he won't.
- No!

No!
- I need a new coat.

- You? What for?

No, no!

You only go out to church.

No, no.

Don't you touch it!

And don't you let that copper in
here.

(chickens clucking)
(Harry grunting)

- Don't you nag me Jim Halloran.

Don't know where you get the
cheek.

Don't you try to put the blame
on me.

No, I'm not taking any of your
nonsense.

(Harry chuckling)

And now you're dead and it
doesn't matter.

Long time dead.

- It's all right Flo, she
doesn't miss it.

She's older than me.

♪ Love that's new in the sunset
♪

♪ Like all love down the years ♪

♪ May bring joy, may bring
sorrow ♪

- You've done this before.

(Minnie giggling)

♪ Forget all your fears ♪

♪ Stirring memories of spring
time ♪

♪ Bathed in autumn's mellow
clothes ♪

♪ Paint in gold and fire ♪

♪ A love like long ago. ♪

♪ Colors of spring on ♪

(chicken squawking)
(cat meowing)

(chicken squawking)
(cat crying)

(bell on door ringing)

- Come on.

Come. On.

Come out all ye sinners!

Hallelujah brothers and sisters,

I come not to bring the
righteous,

but sinner's repentance.

Come out ye liars, thieves and
adulterers.

(Minnie gasping)
(bell on door ringing)

Reverend Brannigan will
be so glad to see you.

♪ Hallelujah ♪

- Merciful father we
thank you for these gifts

of creation, this bread and this
wine.

And we pray that we
who eat and drink them,

in the fellowship of the Holy
Spirit,

in obedience to our savior
Christ in remembrance

of his death and passion,
may be partakers of his body

and his blood, who on the
night that he was betrayed,

took bread, when he had given
you thanks,

he broke it and gave it
to his disciples saying,

take, eat, this is my body
which is given for you.

Do this in remembrance of me.

After supper, he took the
cup and again given thanks,

he gave it to his disciples,
saying drink from this

all of you, this is my
blood, of the New Covenant

which is shed for you and for
many,

for the remission of sins.

Do this as often as you drink
it.

- Dinner is served.

(meat sizzling)
- In remembrance of me.

- Nell and I, we used to
like a bit of roast pork,

God bless her.

Oh sorry ladies.

- We know what it is to lose
someone.

I'll carve.

(electric knife whirring)

- And tell me Harry, how's
the investigation going?

The fellow in the photograph,
the one you were looking for?

Did you catch him?

- Well, not exactly, but we
needn't bother

about him anymore.

You see, oh maybe I shouldn't
be telling you this,

ladies, it's a bit
nasty for mixed company.

- Oh, go on, we'll be as brave
as we can.

- Well, you see, his hand turned
up.

Yes, cut off.

Look, I'm sorry, I don't think
I'll go on.

- Go on.

- Go on, we can handle it.

- Well, both hands actually.

I told Lynch it was suicide.

Suicide by dismemberment.

He believed me.

Until I asked him how did
he manage the second hand?

(chuckles)

Well, anyway the fingerprint
boys got going on,

the hands, and they identified
him.

So, it was almost case closed.

Because you see, and this
was the strange thing,

the first hand, it turned
up in a railway carriage

in Brisbane, so naturally
we thought he's headed north

and met up with some of the hard
men

and that will be the end of it.

He mixed with some unsavory
characters.

My boss said to me, don't make
waves.

- Sergeant--
- Sergeant Corris.

- Detective Inspector Corris.

But when the second hand
turned up in a carriage

in Alice Springs, I thought to
myself,

I must just give myself a
pat on the back for this,

this is where the intelligent
copper,

an experienced copper has it
all over the new whiz kids,

I thought to myself, Harry,
where did

those carriages come from?

Adelaide and Sydney.

Yes. Right.

Now a younger man would
have given up there.

Lynch had.

But I says to myself, how
do they get from Adelaide

and Sydney to Brisbane and Alice
Springs?

And I used the computer to find
out.

Brain versus brawn.

Not the way my so-called
superior officer

organizes his investigations.

Really, he calls himself
a detective inspector.

- So, how did they get there.

- Ah ha!

Along that railway line
out there, and what's more,

near as I can work it out,
they passed each other,

under that railway bridge.

And you know what that means?

It means that somewhere
round here is his murderer.

Did him in for the money,
obviously.

And all I have to do is
wait until someone starts

spending up and then I pounce.

And that'll be it.

Out with a bang.

My last case, murder most foul.

Best thing Grubb ever did,
getting himself bumped off.

But whoever it was was very
silly to give us the hands.

The hands! (chuckles)

That makes me sure the
murder's an amateur.

Mind you, they are sometimes
the most dangerous.

- Allow me.

- The fingerprints you see?

There was still enough left
to give us the fingerprints.

We'd never have known otherwise,
would we?

- Would, um, I mean,

If the hands of the
unfortunate Mr. Grubb, was it?

If they hadn't been found till
much later,

would you still have been
able to identify him?

- Oh no no, I don't think so.

You see, a few more days in the
heat

and the process of,
(Flo gasping)

The prints would have gone,
decomposed.

We'd still have been able
to tell it was human.

A man even, rather than a woman.

I mean it's not hard to tell
human flesh from animal flesh.

That would have been about all.

- Oh, you can always tell it's
human?

- Yes, oh yes, yes.

- Fine piece of pork like
this wouldn't come cheap

these days Harry.

Mmm, you'll have to let
us take it off your rent.

- Oh no worries Minnie, I
got it out of your freezer.

The big one in the back room.

Very wise buying in bulk like
that.

Save a lot of money keeping
a well stocked freezer.

I suppose you must buy a
whole carcass at a time.

But you really should label each
cut.

It's lucky I know my meats
or I might have cooked it up

as a leg of lamb.

Wouldn't have tasted right
with mint sauce. (laughs)

- Poking about, sticking
his face into everything.

It's a wonder he didn't pull out
the head.

Scientific police work, pork,
pork!

What are we going to do?

- Even if he knew, he wouldn't
shop us.

- Wouldn't he just?

He's a copper.

Post them.

We could post them.

- [Minnie] Mm?

- [Flo] Him, it, legs and bits
and things.

- Who to?
- To whom.

I don't know.

Anybody.

- [Minnie] Was a nice bit of
pork, when it was pork I mean.

- [Flo] I only wish I knew
the last time it was washed.

- I don't suppose we could eat
it.

No, no.

- Of course if we did eat him,
then they'd never find it.

- I was only kidding Flo.

- [Flo] You heard what he said,

they can always tell it's human.

- I was only kidding
Flo, I didn't mean it.

- But if it's inside another
human.

- No, I can't eat that.

(chickens clucking in the
distance)

- No, but his bloody chucks can.

And we eat them and their eggs
and it'll all be inside us.

They'll never know the
difference.

(jovial music)

- [Minnie] They won't
be able to eat it all.

- Give them time.

Burn this lot back in the
freezer.

Oh, what about the head?

- [Minnie] All under control.

(bone cracking)

- You wouldn't have any bicarb,
would you?

(Minnie giggling)

Oh, smells good.

(soup bubbling)

Nummy grub.

That roast was a bit rich, I'm
afraid.

You're working very late.

- Oh you know how it is.

We like to finish what we start.
(laughs)

(Minnie giggling)

(gentle music)

Don't rush me big boy.

I gotta help Flo.

(electricity snapping)

- [Flo] I didn't expect you
back.

What's wrong with loverboy?

Are there anymore?

Must have been proud of his
teeth

to take such good care of them.

- Must have had a good dentist.

- What are we gonna do with
them?

- Pop them with Albert.

- No, no, don't know where he's
been.

Pop 'em in with Jim.

- At least we know where he's
been.

- What a terrible waste.

I've got gold teeth.

If I go, would you like
to make them into a ring?

Nice gold ring.

- [Minnie] No thank you Flo.

- I'm fed up with him sneaking
up on us.

You'll have to get rid of him.

- No, no, Flo, I'm sorry
you don't like him,

but you haven't given him a
chance.

He didn't know it wasn't pork.

- He's a copper.

Dirty, snooping interfering
copper.

God, I wonder about you Minnie.

You've always been strange about
men.

- Me? Me? (scoffs)

I just like them.

I don't make a song and dance
about them,

not like some people I know,

bloody holier than thou, airs
and graces.

Just lay off.

He's a nice man and he's,

he's very fond of me.

- Fond of you?

He's on to good wicket, board,
lodging,

you thrown in for good measure

and he'd shop you in a minute.

Fond of you? Hah!

What a laugh.

- What would you know about it?

You wouldn't know how
to love a man properly.

Poor Albert, no wonder he

- He what?

Come on, what?

(wet towel slapping)

(Mexican instrumental music)

(door slamming wall)

- Uh,

(bedsprings crunching
rhythmically)

(rooster crowing)

- Burglars, we had a
lot of burglars lately.

- Stealing food?

- Oh it's Flo, she worries.

(chickens clucking)

- Morning Flo.

What happened to all that nice
stuff you

were cooking up last night?

- Oh we burnt it.

Yes, burnt it, mmm, shame.

(jovial music)

(chicks cheeping)

(chickens clucking)

(Harry grunting)

(roots tearing)

- Your roses are starving.

Chicken manure, nicely
aged, great stuff for roses.

- No, no we're saving it.

(Flo moaning)

- Better get in out of the sun.

- No, no, I'll be all right.

I feel fine, thank you.

Thank you, Harry.

(chickens clucking)

(chickens clucking and flapping
wings)

(Flo grunting)

(Flo moans)

(Flo weeping)

(Flo grunting in effort)

- What an awful lot of eggs Flo.

I'll give some to Harry to take
to work.

- No.

God, you still don't get it do
you?

We've got to eat them ourselves.

No no, otherwise you never
know where they might end up.

They might analyze them.

And chickens'll be next.

Chickens'll be next,

- Shhhh!
- I counted them.

Got 27 hens.

- 27?
- I counted them.

One sex mad rooster won't leave
them alone

and they're fighting and
they lay eggs everywhere.

I can't find the eggs in there.

They start to hatch and
there's more chickens.

And I'm putting on weight
and my clothes don't fit.

And oh those eggs are doing
terrible things to my bowels.

And I, I, I, I, I didn't
think about the manure.

I didn't know what to do with
the manure.

I didn't think about the manure.

(Flo weeping)

- Shhh.

I got you something special.

Your favorite.

- Oh kippers?

- Mushrooms.

- [Flo] Thank you Minnie.

Thank you Minnie.

Thank you Minnie.

Thank you Minnie.

Thank you Minnie.

Minnie, there's a wedding on
today.

- [Minnie] Thank you Flo,
that would be very nice.

I love a good wedding.

See you later Harry.

(bell on door ringing)
(door closing)

♪ All things bright and
beautiful ♪

♪ All creatures great and small
♪

♪ All things wise and wonderful
♪

♪ The Lord God made them all. ♪

(tile scraping)

♪ Each little flower that opens
♪

♪ Each little bird that sings ♪

♪ He made their glowing colors ♪

♪ He made their tiny wings ♪

♪ All things bright and
beautiful ♪

♪ All creatures great and small
♪

♪ All things wise and wonderful
♪

♪ The Lord God made them all. ♪

♪ The cold wind in the winter ♪

♪ The pleasant summer sun ♪

♪ The ripe fruits in the garden
♪

♪ He made them every one ♪

♪ All things bright and
beautiful ♪

♪ All creatures great and small
♪

♪ All things wise and wonderful
♪

♪ The Lord God made them all ♪

- [Priest] Mary, do you take
Daniel to be your husband,

live together according to God's
law.

Will you give him the
honored duty as your husband

and forsaking all others,
love, protect him,

as long as you both shall live?

♪ That brightens up the sky ♪

♪ All things wise and wonderful
♪

♪ The Lord God made them all. ♪

(rooster crowing)

- Brilliant.

Full circle.

(knife scraping)

(Minnie humming)

- [Minnie] Flo, come here a
minute.

(chickens clucking)
(rooster crowing)

- As if never been.

(knife thudding)
Oh!

(chickens clucking)

- [Flo] Time we showed you
what good cooks we are Harry.

Specialty of the house.

- Nice big drumstick for you
Harry.

You look like a drumstick man.

(electric knife whirring)

- [Harry] Anything, anything.

- [Minnie] Some white meat for
you Flo?

- [Flo] Mm!

(telephone ringing)
- I'll get it.

I'm expecting a call.

Hello?

- [Man] You were right, the
teeth match up with Grubb's.

- And the rest?

- [Man] The blood, give me a
break,

I've only had three hours.

Could be Grubbs.

Hard one that, looks like
poison.

- Poison?

- [Man] Still working on what it
was.

Something that attaches
itself to the red blood cells

and cuts off the flow
of oxygen to the brain.

Probably painless though.

You never know.

Could have been convulsions
towards the end.

Does that help?

- Yes.

Yes, thank you very much.

I'm sorry, I've gotta go.

- Oh, but we cooked a
special meal for you.

- I'm sorry, duty calls.

- Well eat this as you go, at
least you'll get to taste it.

Hurry back.

- He's up to something.

He's up to something.

(Minnie sighing)

(waves crashing)

- Are you feeling all right?

- Yes, why?

- You look a bit piqued.

- Just tired.

It's been a long day.

Good night.

(melancholy music)

(knocking on door)

- Are you all right?

- I think so.

- Come to bed.

(mice screeching)

(garbled radio voices)

(computer keys clicking)

(computer beeping)

- [Constable] I think it's
trying to attract your
attention.

(computer key clicking)

- Don't make waves, I said.

The hands were found in
Queensland.

Leave them there, I said.

But no, bloody know-it-all
has to pick at it.

Now you've turned a simple
case of larceny into murder.

And on my beat.

There are procedures.

Right ways, wrong ways,
protocol, Harry, protocol.

Whatever he's been doing, you
take over.

You can't make more of a
mess of it than he has.

You do nothing, nothing.

Sweet F A.

In the unlikely event I think of
something

you can handle, I'll let you
know.

(door slamming)

- Wouldn't happen to know the
procedure

for making a cup of tea, would
ya Sarge?

White? Two sugars.

- Still an honest cop Nellie.

Honest, not stupid.

Not the same thing.

Not the same thing at all.

I know.

Happy new year, still a
sergeant.

I had my chance.

But I'm not stupid, I just
couldn't live with it.

So lay off Nellie.

Leave me alone Nellie.

That's the price of honesty,
chasing nasty, vicious

little men, using my brains,
doing my job.

No bribes, no favors.

That's right.

Till now.

No I didn't.

I didn't sell myself.

Because Minnie didn't ask
me to, that's why not.

She let's me be.

Don't worry, I can handle it.

Two months and I'm off.

A medal, golden handshake, my
pension.

A garden of my own, roses
overgrown.

Yes Nellie, I'm gonna buy
a hundred rose bushes.

Oh yes, at least a hundred.

And do you know the last
thing I did before I left?

I planted a rose on your grave.

Snow Queen, right on top of you.

Virgo, Masquerade, Lady
Isabel, Pretty Sally,

Irena, Moulin Rouge, Crimson
Glory, Orange Sensations,

Scarlet Fire, First Love,
Dorothy Perkins,

Minnie Halloran, Minerva
Halloran.

Poor Scarlet, Mammatra,
Kentucky Derby, Montezuma,

Nevada, Chicago, peace, flow on
Abbey.

Minerva Halloran.

Minerva Halloran!

Minerva Halloran!

But first ladies a toast
to absent railways.

I give you Reggie Grubb.

Alas, poor Reginald I knew him
well.

More productive in death
than ever he was in life.

There are more things in heaven
and earth, little chickies,

than are dreamt of in your
philosophy.

Or in yours, Florence Smithers.

You didn't really think
you could fool me, did you?

Yes, you did.

You see? They think I'm a mug.

Well I am not.

I am a detective.

I worked it out.
- Harry?

- I don't think I'll
ever eat chicken again.

It has come to taste of
the criminal classes.

And as for mushrooms.

- Harry, I'll die in there.

- Congratulations ladies.

A good job, well done.

- There you are Sergeant.

- Oh here comes the cavalry.

I suppose the paddy
wagon's parked outside.

- Yeah, matter of fact.

Oh, were you about to eat?

- Yes, how about a bit of
chicken, eh?

Protein, brain food.

- Harry, I'd never have believed
it,

I thought, you told me Flo,
copper first, man second.

- Copper? The Sarge?

You're joking.

I'm taking over all his cases.

- You?

- You have turned us over to
him?

- Don't worry Flo, I'm
handling your case personally.

- Case?

Minnie and Flo?

- Metaphorically speaking, of
course.

- Ah.

- [Flo] Personally Harry?

- Got a message for ya Sarge.

From Corris, found something
you can handle, he said.

Just volunteered he said.

That's you, volunteer.

You're the new head of
the social committee.

- Social committee, he's a
detective!

- Detective, ah, come on.

Might have been, once.

That Grubb fella, you
remember him, wouldn't ya?

Sherlock couldn't catch him.

Then he was killed up in
Queensland, wasn't he?

And the boss told him to leave
it there,

but no, he wouldn't listen.

Happened here, he says, there's
a murderer

in our midst, he says.

No one wanted to know.

But he had to go and
make waves, didn't he?

Hmmm?

And then he couldn't catch the
murderer.

- Rubbish.

He knew he--

- Shhh.
- Oh don't worry Minnie.

I know when to move over,
leave it to a better man.

- No hard feelings then Harry?

- No, no of course not.

Have some more chicken.

- You've been given a special
assignment.

A Chrissy party.
- Party?

- Mmm, always have a big do at
Christmas.

Corris says it's good for
morale.

Go down to the station and
put up a few streamers.

- Party in the nick, God help
us.

I hope you scrub the blood
stains off the walls.

- Corris says you're to apply
scientific police work to it.

Analyze the plumb pud,
fingerprint a few turkeys.

- Do you have to take that?

- Oh, but Flo, isn't a
party always a good idea?

My table thou has furnished
in the presence of my foes.

- And my cup overflows.

- Right, sure.

- I didn't know you were
religious Harry.

- There's a lot you
don't know about me Flo.

(rooster crowing)

- Well, best be on my then.

Don't worry, I'll see myself
out.

- Thank you Harry.

- Ahh it was brilliant idea.

Better than the river or
the bottom of the garden.

You were game with me in the
house.

Two women alone with Regi Grubb.

Justifiable homicide.

Back in a minute.

- Oh but we didn't kill him.

He switched on the gas.

- Leave him alone.

We used to have good parties
here once.

(chickens clucking)
(chicks chirping)

- [Flo] Sorry, you're
evidence, you've gotta go.

(jovial music)

- [Minnie] Soup, a nice chicken
soup.

- [Harry] And pate.

- [Flo] And followed by chicken
Diane.

- [Harry] And dessert?

- Oh uh, mushroom whip
with a bit of chocolate.

- Plum pudding.

- Or chicken salad with caramel
sauce.

- No.

No, plum pud, it has to be
plum pud, it's Christmas.

- [Flo] Oh you are scrubbing
under the toenails,

aren't you Harry?
- A bit Flo, a bit.

- What'll we call it?

- Jon Dam delight.

- Wallah, pate ala fwa Flo.

- [Flo] Right, banyans and
feathers.

- Give 'em a bit of fiber in
their diet.

(jovial music)

Oh. (laughs)

(Christmas bells ringing)
(dog barking)

- Anything I want to know about?

(ladies giggling)

(thick liquid bubbling)

- Um Minnie, Mrs. Halloran,
Mrs. Smithers, Flo,

this is Maureen, my intended.

- Congratulations.

- You sly old fox.

- [Harry] You kept that one very
quiet.

- Lovely young couple.

- When's the big day then?

- New Year's day.

- Well, congratulations
Constable.

- Detective constable.

- [Maureen] We'll make an
inspector out of him yet.

- Sergeant, can have the
makings of an inspector.

Thank God.

- This'll help ya get started
in your little love nest.

- Thank you Mrs. Halloran,
that's very kind of you.

Thank you very much.

- You need all the help you can
get.

Look after him.

But don't trust him,
they're too easily tempted

all down the years.

- Don't stand under the
mistletoe Harry.

Policemen's wives, anything
could happen.

Gifts, for coppers?

- It's Christmas, isn't it?

- [Constable] Ah! Merry
Christmas Jack.

- Merry Christmas, Terrance.

- Merry Christmas, Jack.

This is Jack Corris.

Flow Smithers, Minnie Halloran.

- Oh, we know Jack Corris.

Old friends, aren't we Jack?

- Merry Christmas Sergeant.

- Detective Inspector, Merry
Christmas.

- Oh my, you have come up in the
world.

- [Maureen] Merry Christmas Dad.

Come into the garden.

- I'll get you a beer Jack.

- Keep your hands off him.

- (scoffs) Minnie if I can't
have an innocent conversation

with the man,

- You said that last time.

Once you set your cap, you've
got a grip like a bulldog.

- They've been naughty
girls, Minnie and Flo.

Up to no good.

- Harry.

- And you never even noticed
Sergeant.

No wonder you're still driving a
desk.

Now now.
- Harry.

- Anyway, wouldn't wanna spoil
a good party now would we?

- Harry, I need to talk to you.

- Yes, yes we need to talk
- Rosie get back here.

- About you and Flo.

(pop gun firing)
- Georgie!

- Get back here.
- Flo?

- You carve Harry.
- Merry Christmas Sarge.

- Oh uh, you know more
about this sorta thing

than I do Minnie.

- Tradition, man of the house
Harry.

Specially at Christmas.

- Oh yes, don't mind me.

- Merry, Christmas.

(electric knife whirring)
- Yes, but I,

(electric knife whirring)
(energetic music)

- [Woman] Looks good, what is
it?

- [Flo] It's Jon Dam's Delight.

Sergeant Instep's favorite
recipe.

(man slurping)

(jovial music)

- [Woman] Table manners of a
herd of pigs.

- I just came to say goodbye.

- Minnie, now you're being
ridiculous.

- Harry, I'm leaving.

- What?

- Oh you know you wouldn't
get over the step.

- Lynch has been snooping
around.

He's got a warrant.
- Lynch! Lynch, stuff Lynch!

- But he's gonna arrest you!

- [Man] Merry Christmas!

- Dear God.

- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas, Bert.

Minnie, Flo, this is Bert
Wilson,

our forensics expert.

- Pleased to meet you ladies.

(Flo grunts)

Ah ah, tis the season to be
jolly.

Ra la la la la la la,

- Here Bert.
- Oh!

And a wee drop of the water of
life.

CO, definitely CO.

- What the hell's CO?

- Carbon Monoxide gas.

Domestic purposes, heating,
cooking, things like that.

- Elementary my dear Wilson.

You wanna beer?

- I sure do.

Hey um, what's his name,
caterpillar, you know.

- Caterpillar?

Grubb.

- Right, I'm off.

I turned the gas off.

It was me, wasn't it?

- What does it matter?

It was an accident, who cares?

- But all this time I
thought it was you two.

- Better off without him, you
said it.

No one will ever know.

Oh goodbye!

- The recipe for that stuffing.

My Bill's raving about it.

(Corris grunting)

- Sorry Jack, I want a word.
- Not now.

- Minnie!

Minnie come back.

- You did it with Jim, now
you're doing it with Harry.

- I'm not after him.

He's not my type.

- Neither was Jim, look
what happened to him!

- Yes, Jim had a bloody good
time.

He chased me.

- He didn't have a chance, he
told me.

- You believed him?

He kept at me.

- No!

- Even for years!

- And you hated every minute of
it.

- Minnie you know I did.

Oh Minnie, Minnie where are you
going?

- Anywhere.

- Without me?

- I did fine before you came
along.

- That was 40 years ago!

Oh Minnie, if anyone
goes, it should be me.

(head thudding against door)

- Oh Flo.

Flo.

- Three into two won't go.

- He's only a lodger.

- Is he?

Is he?

- We have to get rid of him.

(swords clanging)

- Cut that out, stop it.

- I still need that word, Jack.

Lynch has a warrant.

- Well, there's a first
time for everything.

- For the arrest of Minnie and
Flo.

They didn't do it, I did.

I know I should have reported
it,

I know what that means,
dishonorable discharge.

But I didn't wanna make waves.

- Doesn't sound like you Harry.

- Oh come on Jack.

They're just two confused old
women.

- Confused? Us?

No, not anymore.

- You stay out of this Minnie.

- Don't you talk to her like
that.

- That goes for you too Flo.

- [Minnie] Harry.

- [Flo] Minnie has something
she wants to say to you.

- It'll have to wait.

It was me, Jack, not Minnie and
Flo.

- Harry, what are you doing?

- I'm just giving Jack a
chance to get rid of me.

- You used to be quite a regular
here in the old days, Jack.

Of course that was before
you became important.

Oh those were the days
you'd call in for a chat.

- Chat.

- And Jim and Albert would,
well, they were generous men.

- [Minnie] And they were so
modest about it too, discreet.

- You really should educate that
boy,

the younger generation.
- No finesse.

Tell him the facts about police
work.

A proto,
- Col.

- [Minnie] How to make it to the
top.

- Discretion, loyalty, how
to remember old friends.

- [Minnie] Old friends
who remember you Jack.

- Oh we remember you Jack.

Old friends make the
worst of enemies, Jack.

- If you know what we mean.

And we're not as shy
as Jim and Albert were.

- [Flo] Two old women, you
know how old women gossip.

- Lynch!
- Yes.

- You have a warrant.

- I was gonna surprise ya.

- You never fail to surprise me.

Give.

Stolen goods.

I never thought you'd sink so
low, Harry.

- Stolen goods?

- Microwave ovens.

- Microwave ovens?

- Microwave ovens?

- House is full of 'em.

- Look dad.

The same as yours.

- Chew.

Maureen.

- Sir?

- Such a fuss.

- Oh something so small.

- Only a man.

- But three into two?

- Arithmetic, I'm sick
of bloody arithmetic.

(people clapping and cheering)

- [Minnie] Pity they
couldn't eat the bones.

- [Flo] Well, still evidence,
isn't it?

- [Harry] Well, you better
get yourself some more chucks.

- No!
- No, not the eggs

not again!
- Worked wonders

for you Minnie.

Made a new woman of you.

(Harry, Flo and Minnie
chuckling)

Anyway, I've got a better idea.

Think of it as seed capital.

(people chattering)

(rooster crowing)

(jovial music)