Mr. Right (2009) - full transcript

- [Woman] Now, Louise,
before we begin recording,

perhaps we could just have a little chat.

- Yeah, I think that's a good idea.

- [Woman] Louise, do you think
that perhaps you're being

just a little demanding
in your requirements?

Because we did have very
high hopes for you and Paul,

and I seem to remember him saying

that he was really quite smitten.

- I don't think my requirements
were that demanding.

- [Woman] Well, that of course
is entirely your opinion,

but we feel that he did fulfill
all your specifications.



So, tell me, what is it that we can supply

this time that we didn't supply last time?

- What am I looking for that's
different from last time?

Let me see.

Oh, I know.

I'd like a boyfriend that's not gay.

♪ Twice upon a time ♪

(children chattering)

♪ The princess kissed the prince ♪

♪ And missed the point ♪

- [Woman] I think you must
have made some kind of mistake.

Paul Bradbury is not gay.

- Well, maybe he isn't,
but I know for a fact

that the man he dumped me for is.



♪ Everything is ♪

♪ Everything is ♪

♪ Crazy strange and very real ♪

♪ Close your eyes ♪

♪ Make up your mind ♪

♪ And take your time ♪

♪ I'll always be there ♪

♪ Maybe Mr. Right ♪

♪ Is hidden undiscovered ♪

♪ Pressed for time ♪

♪ I'll bet he's coming out tonight ♪

♪ He's all right ♪

♪ There's up and there's down ♪

♪ And there's no way around ♪

♪ What he's hiding ♪

♪ Breaking the rules is amazingly cool ♪

♪ You're invited ♪

♪ Everything is ♪

♪ Everything is ♪

♪ Crazy strange and very real ♪

♪ Close your eyes ♪

♪ Make up your mind ♪

♪ And take your time ♪

♪ I'll always be there ♪

♪ Everything is ♪

♪ Everything is ♪

♪ Everything is ♪

♪ Everything ♪

♪ Everything is ♪

♪ Everything ♪

♪ Everything is ♪

♪ Everything ♪

♪ Everything is ♪

♪ Everything ♪

♪ Everything is ♪

♪ Everything ♪

♪ Everything is ♪

♪ Everything ♪

(upbeat music)

- Right now.

You're not to be hitting your sister.

You know, you're old
enough to know better now.

Behave yourself. You know,
anytime you want to use

your parenting skills, it's fine by me!

♪ One more time ♪

- [Louise Voiceover] We've
all heard about women this

has happened to, haven't we?

And if we're honest, we
think it's a bit of a joke.

I mean, you'd know, wouldn't you?

But I didn't, and I'm used
to being around gay people.

I've learnt my lesson.

I'd never introduce my man
to my gay friends again.

But I don't mind introducing
you to my friends.

Well, at least I thought
they were my friends.

This is Alex, my best friend.

He wanted to be an actor.

He'd been with Harry for a year.

In fact, it was their anniversary.

Harry was all right, but
he could be a bit smarmy.

Just kept him happy by buying him things.

Oh, and here's Tom.

Tom was about to have a major exhibition,

but he was more concerned
about keeping Lars happy.

Lars is very good looking, but he knew it.

You know the type.

He'd got expensive tastes,

but it was always someone
else who picked up the bill.

And William, William had a tough time

over the last few years,

but he was coming out the other side,

and he'd just met Lawrence.

Lawrence is an actor,

so you can imagine what a handful he was.

(siren blaring)

You'd recognize him.

He was in that doctors thing.

I thought I was the one
out of all my friends

that had got it sorted.

So let me tell you what happened
to me one day last summer.

I was going on my first
proper date with Paul.

I thought he was perfect.

♪ It's over ♪

(upbeat techno music)

- Go, let me see seven,

let me see six,

let me see five,

let me see four.

Three, where's two, where's one?

Let's flip, baby!

Let's go!

Keeping on, keeping on, keeping on.

Three, two. Come on, get up, get up, go!

Come on, let's move, move, move!

Let me see that, let me see that!

And again, move the feet, quick!

Quick, quick!

Ready to do it again?

Let's go!

All right, fly jumps!

You can do it!

Don't you give up on me now!

To the five, to the four, to the three!

Stay with me, two, one!

Good man!

That's what I'm talking about!

See.

Right?

Good man.
(cell phone ringing)

- Hi, Louise.

Yeah, yeah.

Listen, I'm, uh, stuck in traffic.

It's not moving.

I reckon I'm gonna have to
turn around and go back.

Yeah, I'm gutted too.

I was really looking forward
to fitting your kitchen.

Yeah, listen, the battery
on my phone's running low.

I'll give you a call next...

- Hello?

(gentle instrumental music)

- I thought you were fitting
in Louise's washing machine?

- Still waiting for a part.

Can I have another one?

- [Tom] I thought you
might have had enough.

- You know me.

I've never had enough.

- Better make sure I don't.

- Is that a threat?

- Take it any way you want.

- I'll take it as a threat then.

I'll get my stuff and I'll be out of here.

- Look, it's not a threat.

I'm really sorry.

I've just had a hard day.

- I'm going out.

- Love.

- Tom sees the good in people.

- Sees the good in people?

What he sees is a good bit of ass

that he wouldn't stand a chance with

if he didn't have a Gucci store card.

Anyway, getting back to me.

Harry bought me the original artwork

for the 1977 Dalek annual.

It's like the Bible of Doctor Who fans.

(door bell jingling)
- All right?

Hi, I can't stop.

I've got a meeting.

- I wasn't trying to hold you up.

- Well, that's all right now, isn't it?

- Isn't that that Greek doctor
from Emergency Accident?

- He's only a nurse.

- How do you know him?

Have you, you know?

- As if.

He went out with one of my exes.

He's been around forever.

I knew him when he was on the dole.

- Sorry, got held up in the edit.

How'd the audition go?

- Don't want to talk about it.

- What's the matter with you?

- Lawrence Wright's upstairs.

Very Greek name, isn't it?

There are hardly any
roles for Greeks as it is,

so why should he get the
part above a real one?

- Why are you bothered?

You're not Greek.

- [Alex] I'm not bothered.

I'm not bothered at all.

- You write the parts do you?

- Well someone has to
stand up for Greek actors.

- Do you want me to beat him up for you?

- Yes, please.
- And how are you, darling?

- Oh, she's all right, come
on. We're gonna be late.

- Hello, how are you?
- Hello, yeah.

- Hey, and you.
- Hello

- Ah, you don't phone, you don't write.

- I've been frantic.

Give me a break.
- Are you not stopping?

- Visiting my mother.
- Which we're late for.

- Then we got a nice meal booked.

- Mm, just my luck that our
anniversary's on the same day

as his bloody mother's birthday.

- Congratulations.

- We keep threatening to
do something don't we?

We must arrange a Sunday lunch.

Bring George.

- Don't mention George.

I've got three days' peace.

See you later.
- See you.

- Bye.
- Bye-bye, baby.

- Bye, darling.

- Yeah, can you stop off on
your way and get time out?

Oh, will you?

♪ It's Dolce and Gabbana ♪

♪ I cannot even say it ♪

♪ Nudge, no, I wanna say ♪

♪ I'll tell you right now
it's on my wish list ♪

♪ Whoa-oh ♪

♪ Right, you're gonna pay for it ♪

♪ So you better get rich ♪

♪ I'm sick of being High
Street like everybody I meet ♪

♪ Ultimately trendy ♪

♪ Boys wearing girls' shoes ♪

♪ Imagine ♪

♪ Whoa-oh ♪

♪ A fashion statement ♪

♪ But you do look gay in the pink shirt ♪

♪ Please, will you buy this for me ♪

(men laughing)

♪ I'm ritzy. ♪

- Emma Bunton, you duff.

- Is it only a year?

Seems so much longer.

- I bumped into William earlier.

He sends his love.

- Oh, William.

They were at Westminster
together, you know.

- Yes, I know.

(chuckles softly)

- No one guessed until
only a few years ago.

Even Harry.

He played rugby for the county.

- Mm, probably the physical contact

with all those sweaty men that he liked.

- Hm.

When I heard that he'd come out,

I had hoped that William and,

but no.

William found this for me last year.

We think it's a young Thomas Huxley.

Huxley, biologist, hm.

- I'm seeing Tom tomorrow.

- Oh, Tom.

So talented.

There was an article
on his new exhibition.

I had hoped that Harry and he were,

well they spent so much
time at university together.

But as usual, a mother's
wishes count for nothing.

Which university did you go?

(gasps softly)

Oh.

Yes, of course.

We've had this conversation, haven't we?

- Tom's taken up with a mad hooker

who's fleecing him for all he's got.

- Well, that's not, that's
not strictly true, is it?

- Harry tells me you've
been doing very well

in your job as a waiter.

- It's not just being a waiter.

It's also helping to prepare the food.

And, anyway, it's only
until the acting takes off.

- Oh, yes, of course.

You want to be an actor, don't you?

Hm, Harry tells me that you may be

an extra in some soap opera.

(Alex chuckles)

- It's nice that Harry
keeps you so well-informed.

(upbeat pop music)

♪ I've been thinking of ♪

♪ All the words I'd like to say ♪

♪ And I can't believe ♪

♪ How I feel today ♪

♪ When the lights go out ♪

♪ When they shut you down ♪

♪ You will know that I'm still the same ♪

- I mean, we just--
- Shh.

Shut up.

(both whispering)
(both giggling)

- Please, William.
- At last.

I want to have a look around.

♪ Another thousand wearing
sweater vests and ascots ♪

- Rugby.

Why did you buy this?

- I won it. (chuckles)

Well, my team won it, yeah.

(suspenseful instrumental music)

- Is there any chance of a drink?

Don't worry.

I'll wash the glass afterwards

so there's no DNA evidence
that I was ever here.

- Shut up, come here.

♪ I've been thinking of ♪

♪ All the words I tried to say ♪

♪ And I can't believe how I feel today ♪

♪ When the lights go out ♪

♪ When they shut you down ♪

♪ You will know ♪
(door creaking)

♪ That I'm still the same ♪

(screaming)

(gasping)

- [Woman] What do you say, Georgina?

- Sorry I frightened you.

- I should have left a note
to say we'd be back early.

- Yeah.

- Daddy doesn't let me
meet any of his boyfriends.

- You amaze me.

- We usually keep her locked in the attic.

- Shouldn't you be going?

- Mm.

It's been lovely meeting you.

(gentle instrumental music)

- [Georgina] Bye.

- I'm sorry.

- What are you doing tonight?

- I want to spend some time with George.

But I'm free on Wednesday.

- Come and see the shells I found.

(chuckles)

- See you.

- Yeah, see you.

- [Man] And action.

- And in here,

what do you think?

- Good god.

- What have you done?

- Well, we've,

done exactly what we thought you'd like.

- This is, no.

- Well, I don't think--

- God, I hate it.

I absolutely, oh, god.

- It's all good.

(woman sobs)
It's all good.

(telephone ringing)

- Tell me again, why am I doing this?

- The money.

- Oh, yes.

- The hotel's fucked up
and let half our rooms go.

- There's a run on rooms in Northampton?

- The weather forecast
says it's going to be

shit for the week, so we may
have to scale the garden down.

- Good.

- And the gorgeous Charlie's
girlfriend's dumped him again,

so we're expecting trouble.

Tom rang. Can you meet him in the gallery?

He said, or at home.

- Hm.

- And lastly, I'm pregnant.

- You're fired.

Any idea who the father is?

- I've narrowed it down
to the fleet auxiliary,

but I've convinced John it's his.

- I suppose we have to hug?

- It's expected.

- Congratulations.

Give John my best.

- You don't do gay right.

- No, it's just I don't do those.

- By now, my other gay
friends would be squeezing

the life out of me and screaming about

taking me shopping for maternity clothes.

- Hm.

- Maybe it's just expected of you

because you are posh and
went to private school.

- Well, that's it.

I'm not gay at all.

It all fits.

I don't like musicals, rows
in the street, cocaine.

Well done.

Means I've got to get another assistant.

- I'm so glad I didn't get the job.

If you go on a soap opera,
you can get typecast,

and that's so not where I want

to be at this point in my career.

It's a fact that all the good jobs

go to the extras from the
top handful of agencies.

And surprise, surprise, Lawrence Wright

was taken on by one of them.

He must have slept with
one of the bookers,

'cause he ain't that good.

I know I've got talent and
that I'm going to make it.

I think they'll be impressed by the CV.

I know it doesn't show that many roles,

but they'll see from the amount

of classes and workshops
that I've attended

that I have a real dedication.

- Alex, listen, I'll have
to talk to you later, babe.

- Thank you.

Darling, there you are.

Will you stop disappearing like this?

Now, come on.

(power drill whirring)

- How long have you been there?

- Not long.

What do you think?

- I think they're shit.

But as long as people are
stupid enough to pay for them,

it's all good with me.

- My work represents
a positive affirmation

of what it is to be gay
in the 21st century.

Because to me, gayness
isn't just about sex,

it's about everything.

I patronize gay
restaurants and taxi firms,

and, in a way, I'm developing
a totally new gay art.

- I wish he would just shut up.

- I think it's interesting.

- No, you don't.

You think it's bollocks.

- Shh.

- The lines and dots
that make up the image

are in actual fact not
made up of just one color,

but all the colors of the
rainbow, the gay rainbow.

It's like pointillism, only gay.

♪ Hey, you're talking ♪

♪ Blah blah blah ♪

♪ Blah blah blah ♪

♪ Blah blah ♪

- So, is Harry coming?

- Him and Alex went to
Brighton for the weekend.

♪ Hey, you're talking, blah blah blah ♪

- So, how much would something
like that go for, then?

- 150 grand.

- What?

- Yeah, I know.

- I thought that was a fake.

- No, believe me, I have earned it.

- So you're not really into him, then.

- It's not just the money.

He's all right.

I look really bad now, don't I?

- Lars.
- Don't mind me.

I'm not judging.

(upbeat pop music)

- I'm off.

- Where you going this time?

- I told you.

- I know he's seeing other people,

but when I confront him about it,

he denies it and says if
that's what I believe,

I should throw him out.

- Maybe you should, if
it's making you unhappy.

- No, he knows I never would.

- [Harry] That's why
he's messing you around.

He hasn't got any boundaries.

- [Tom] He's not a child.

- Don't treat him like one, then.

- I don't.

- You do.

He lives rent-free.

You buy his clothes.

You give him money, pocket money.

You treat him like a child.

He's not the first, is he?

(bicycle bell dings)

- You really have to stop
being ashamed of being gay.

(scoffing)

You're just buying into
that straight-dominated

way of looking at gay life.

If Lars were a woman, you wouldn't

think there was anything strange

about her being supported by
a male partner, would you?

And that's all I'm doing.

I'm helping Lars out until he gets

his singing career off the ground.

- Singing?

I thought it was modeling.

- Well, that didn't work out.

There's nothing you could
do for him, is there?

- Wonderful, that's right.

Yep, yep.

Okay.

That sounds perfect.

Thank you.

Alex, please hurry.

We don't have time.

Come on, darling.

Excellent.

Actually, I'm gonna call you
back. Thank you, okay, thanks.

Alex, can you just do
what I tell you, please?

- I think there's something wrong.

- I don't pay you to think.

- These are the wrong ones.

- What are you talking about?

- These are the returns from Samuelson's.

(gentle instrumental music)

They may have tasted all right,

but they've been out
for God knows how long.

I mean, crawling with E coli and stuff.

Lethal.

Older people or children could have died.

I've never seen someone look so contrite.

She was in floods.

I mean, she could have gone to prison.

Trouble is, she doesn't
really pay attention.

It's only a hobby her
husband organized for her

to keep her occupied whilst
he's doing corporate takeovers.

And her menu is so old-fashioned.

It's like something served halftime

at the Battle of Hastings.

I told her about my cinnamon twirls,

and we're going to try them out next week.

- You're a real hero.

All I do is make crap telly.

- Do something about it, then.

What do you want to do?

Seriously.

- What I want to do is travel around Asia,

but I can't, can I?

I've got career responsibilities.

More importantly, in half
an hour, the cab gets here.

What shall we do with the time?

(gentle instrumental music)

- It's Thursday.

(chuckling)

- Well, that's right.

What if Matron were to find us?

- I've been on bedpans all
morning, so I'm entitled.

It's in my equity agreement.

(both laughing)

- Sorry.

(knocking on door)

- Yes?

What do you want, you
beastly little peeping tom?

- They need you in set in five minutes.

- (sighs) My public are calling for me.

I don't suppose you're free later.

- Got a parents' meeting.

- What time does it finish?

- Eight o'clock, but then
I've got to be at home.

She keeps waking up
during the night lately.

Mum's getting too old to
have her sleep disturbed, so.

- Well I could always come to
you, now that she's met me.

- I'm not sure, Lawrence.

Hey, look, why don't
we have a weekend away?

Georgie's going to see some friends.

We could have two whole nights.

What do you reckon?

- Okay.

- See you later.

Break a leg and, whatever it is you do.

- Ciao.

- [Man On PA] Train pro announcement,

train pro announcement.

Will driver Cartwright.

- Are you ready, gents?

Action.

(cat meowing)

- Oh, Maggie, that's
looking really beautiful.

- [Both] Oh, yes.

It's really, really beautiful.

Jim and Jill will really, really love it.

- Right, let's get that lovely cup of tea

we've been promising ourselves,

then we'll see what the gorgeous

Charlie's been up to all morning.

- Cut.

That looks really, really shit.

(cat meowing)

(gentle instrumental music)

(gargling)

- Georgie.

Don't you think you're being

just a little harsh on this doll?

All she did was say hello
to this doll's boyfriend.

- She must die.

(gagging)

(moaning)

(sighs)

(soft hammering)

- And I'd have expected a bit more

to have been done in here.

Remind me again when Jim
and Jill are coming back?

- Sunday morning.
- Sunday morning.

- I think I'd better have a
word with the gorgeous Charlie.

You're being a bit of a
slow coach today, Charlie.

We've only got until Sunday, you know.

(sobbing)

- And cut.

- [Charlie] I loved her!

(sobbing)

- Yeah, well by period,

they probably thought they were getting

Victorian rustic or
Edwardian country house,

not fucking Stalingrad, 1943.

- Yeah, well, what are we gonna do?

(drill whirring)

- Let's go to the pub.

(upbeat pop music)

♪ You're gonna make my day ♪

♪ Day day day day ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Na na na na na ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Na na na na na ♪

♪ You're gonna make my day ♪

♪ Row, row, row your boat ♪

♪ Gently down on me ♪

♪ Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily ♪

♪ You make my life complete ♪

♪ Everybody wants to touch ♪

♪ Your fleece that's
white, as white as snow ♪

♪ Everywhere you lead me, babe ♪

♪ I'm sure that I will go ♪

♪ Pop goes the weasel ♪

♪ Hey ♪

- [Tom] Lars!

Charlie's dropped out of the show,

and Harry needs you up in Northampton.

This could be your big chance.

- No, you put the phone down first.

You do it.

You're a big girl's blouse, you know that?

Speak to you tomorrow, bye.

- Can I come with you on Saturday?

- Your Grandma's taking
you to Hannah's party.

I thought you were looking
forward to the sleepover.

- Hanna's a poo-head.

- She's your best friend.

- [Georgie] She's still a poo-head.

I want to come with you to Brighton.

- It'd be boring.

We're going to all those antique shops.

- Is Lawrence going with you?

- He might.

- He is.

I heard you on the phone.

Why can't I come as well?

- Because you wouldn't like it, all right?

- Is he gonna live here with us?

Do I call him daddy now?

(gentle instrumental music)

- Have a bit of a holiday.
- Harry, we're good

to do this.

Will you just get yourself
out there now, please?

- [Harry] Great, yeah.

I will not mind.

(coughs)

- [Man] Okay and Emma, come on, love.

- [Emma] Oh, sorry.

- [Man] Okay, setup,
ready to shoot this now.

And, thank you.

And action.

(drill whirring)

- Can you turn that off, Lars?

Thanks.

Well, it's very sad that our
Charlie's been taken ill,

but we're very lucky
because the gorgeous Lars

has stepped into the breach.

Well, a boy's got to do what
a boy's got to do. (chuckling)

(power tool whirring)

- [Man] Yeah, maybe we should cut there.

- Ah.

(upbeat pop music)

- Me and Louise were just
talking about how stupid you are.

He's got a screw loose.

I guarantee he'll be nothing but trouble.

Oh well, it's your funeral.

- Ta-da.

What do you think?

- It's great, but on you
it's only ever gonna be

like sticking a sequin on a rat's ass.

- You look amazing.

- Thank you.

- (laughs) No, you look fab.

Tell her she looks great.

She's got a date with that Paul tonight.

She thinks he's the one.

- Gorgeous.
- Thank you, Harry.

- Anyway, you can tell Lars

that he's coming for dinner next week.

I've rung Tom and invited him.

Oh, and I bumped into William.
He's bringing his new beau.

I don't know.

He's an actor, I think.

And if he hasn't dumped her by then,

Louise is bringing Paul.

Gotta go.

Oh my god.

I've found something that
even you would look good in.

- Thanks.

(upbeat pop music)

(saw grinding)

- [Harry] Are they brother and sister?

- I don't know, what do you think?

- I don't know.
- I have no idea.

- They just look at each
other very strangely.

- I have no idea.

Do you think it matters?
- I don't know, well.

- Harry.
- Yeah.

- I just want to say,

I'm very grateful for this opportunity.

- Oh, hey, don't worry about it.

But don't get your hopes up,

'cause it could only
just be for the one show.

- Mm.

- Still, I know people think I'm trouble,

and you probably could
have found somebody else

for the job if you'd really tried.

But, if it did become a regular gig,

as I said, I'd be very grateful.

- Yeah.

(soft pop music)

(cell phone ringing)

(car horns honking)

- Hey.

- I can't just leave her like this.

Well, I don't know.

No, she hasn't got a fever.

Yes, darling?

- It's your move.

- Well, you go back in there

and tell Grandma to move for me, yeah?

- Okay.
- Thank you.

Sorry.

- No.

No, of course I understand.

Maybe I could come to you.

- We could meet for lunch on Tuesday.

- Oh, a whole lunchtime.

Are you sure you can manage that?

Twat!

(upbeat pop music)

- Harry, hello.

Put your tongue back in.

There's a good boy.

- I was just, um,

thinking about the.

- Mm.

These are delicious, darling.

You'll want royalties now, won't you?

- That just may be, but,

I can't make a peach smell
like a banana, can I?

So.

All right.

Cheers.

Uh.

- I've always thought
that you were the only one

of Tom's friends who
wasn't a fucking idiot.

- (scoffs) I'll take that as a compliment.

- I've seen you looking,

so don't even pretend
you're not interested.

- Things happen for a reason,

and this was obviously meant to be.

I'm feeling very positive.

Although you have to know
how to deal with negativity,

have to know how to transform
a negative into a positive.

For example, I didn't
get the job on Londoners,

which was a negative.

But on the positive side,
I took the power back

and sent my photo and CV off
to the top actors' agencies.

But they've all written back saying that

they're not interested,
which, again, is a negative.

In other words, I didn't
go to fucking RADA

or one of the other good drama schools,

so I don't have that stamp of approval.

Not at all interested in
the classes I've attended,

or the commitment I've shown.

It's not all about diplomas
and pieces of paper.

What about natural talent?

Van Gogh didn't go to art school,

and he ended up all right, didn't he?

- Uh, yeah, I suppose.

Have you seen my red pullover?

- Dry cleaners.

- Shit.

- [Alex] Well?

- What?

- How did it all go?

- Oh, it was all right.

Yeah.

Same as these things ever
are, really, you know.

- Lars didn't disgrace himself?

- Nope.

No, he was all right.

- Are you gonna take him on permanently?

- No, no, it's just gonna be a one-off.

(gentle instrumental music)

- You all right?

- Yep.

I'm just, I'm knackered actually.

(cell phone ringing)

- Hello, babe.

Yeah, he's here.

It's Lars.

He says your phone's
permanently turned off.

Sorry, Lars, he's asleep.

He looks really cute,

except for the dribble
trailing out of his mouth.

♪ Looking for lads so you can ♪

- Yeah, I'll tell him.

All right.

♪ Doesn't it make you cross ♪

♪ And racing around ♪

♪ Tracking her down, trying to ♪

- He says he's really
looking forward to dinner,

and can't wait to meet Alex again.

- Oh, fuck.

- What's going on?

♪ Where are you now ♪
- Nothing.

- I know it's difficult for you.

I'm just saying that maybe
if you involve me more.

- Sorry, Lawrence, but you've got no idea

what it's like being a parent.

I have to put her first.

- Yeah, of course you
do. Look, I'm not stupid.

But it's been three months
now, and in gay years,

we're approaching our
golden wedding anniversary.

I don't get involved
with people like this.

For me normally it's just a bit of fun.

It peaces out after a few weeks.

I really like you, and,

well, it's not easy.

This is new.

♪ Just what I do, living with you ♪

- Am I boring you?

- What, what?

Sorry, no.

Just give me a second.

♪ Wouldn't you like to give up ♪

♪ Just for one night put down the fight ♪

♪ All smoke and mirrors ♪

♪ Nobody's winning ♪

- You'll be safe.

They won't ravish you or anything.

- I know.

I'm not some kind of hick.

I give money to Amnesty International.

I read The Guardian, for God's sake.

- Mm.

- And that bloke who cuts my hair,

I reckon he's gay, and I don't
have a problem with that,

so you can't accuse me
of being homophobic.

- No one's accusing you of anything.

You just seem a little
on edge about going.

- Well, I'm not.

It's just, they're all gonna be gay.

What am I gonna talk about?

- Just talk about normal stuff.

- Normal stuff for blokes is
football and women's tits.

Now do you see my problem?

- You're just being silly.

- Don't you have any
friends who aren't gay?

- Yeah, of course I do.

There's Emma, and, though
I don't see much of her.

And there's Sharon.

- Oh, no, Sharon's your
sister. She doesn't count.

- I don't know. I just
get on with gay men.

It's not a crime, is it?

- No.

- Are you calling me a fag-hag?

- No.

- I'm not a fag-hag.

- Fag-hag. (laughs)
- I hate that word.

- Get off, stop it.

- Look at it through her eyes.

She's had to endure a
very acrimonious divorce,

and then she loses her
mother in a car crash.

I know you mean well, but I can't have her

getting to know a succession of lovers

just for them to disappear.

She needs stability.

- A succession?

- Oh, that's hardly the point, is it?

- I just want to say,
I think you're great.

- Oh, just fuck off.

I'm sorry, I meant,

fuck off, I'm having a
private conversation.

- Sorry.

- Any other day, just not today.

So, is this the way it's gonna be?

- Oh, please.

I've already got one
nine-year-old who likes tantrums.

(people chattering in foreign language)

- Yeah, I know.

Well, I picked up a
couple of stickers anyway.

Madonna.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, why don't I call everybody

and just, you know, put it off for awhile?

Well, you've been through a
lot recently, haven't you?

The meat will freeze, and you
can pick up the veg tomorrow.

All right.

I've not been trying to cancel it,

I just didn't think you'd
feel up for it, that's all.

All right.

Well, I'll see you later.

I love you.

Fuck.

(people chattering in foreign language)

Fuck.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

- Hm.

Well, I suppose it bears

a superficial likeness to his style,

and it could be by one of his followers.

But if, as you hope, it's a preparatory

drawing for a finished
work, I don't recognize it.

And without that connection to
something known to be by him,

it doesn't stand a
chance of being accepted.

And let's face it.

Things like that aren't found
in charity shops, are they?

(soft pop music)

- Cherries, apricot crisps.

- [Alex] And we got the avocados.

♪ One more night ♪

- [Alex] Great.

- [Grocer] Have a good day, thank you.

♪ Maybe one still sighs ♪

- Okay, cherries.

♪ On the rest of your life ♪

♪ One husband or wife ♪

♪ It's all over ♪

♪ Now ♪

♪ One more try ♪

♪ 'til you want to waken ♪

♪ Curious but confined ♪

♪ Reserved but resigned ♪

♪ It's all over ♪

♪ Now ♪

- Oh, Harry, will you
please keep stirring?

It's not that complicated.

(knocking on door)

You'll have to get that.

(clearing throat)

- Hello, come in.
- Hi.

- Mwah, you look fabulous.

- Thank you, Paul.
- Hi.

- Harry, Harry, Paul.
- Hello.

- Hello.

- He hasn't met gay people
before, and he's fascinated.

(Harry chuckles)
- No, I'm not.

Ignore her.
- It's all right, don't worry.

I know what she's like.

Help yourselves to drinks.

I'm just on stirring duty.

(food sizzling)

- [Alex] Oi.

- See, I told you it would be different.

- That's gay.

- I have scented candles.

- You're a woman.

Straight man, never.

(knocker bangs)

- Hi, come in.
- Harry.

- Hi.
- This is Lawrence.

- Hello, hi.

- Hello again.

- Oh, you two have met?

- We've met.

- Yes.

You used to go with one
of my exes, didn't you?

That French guy.

What was his name?

- (chuckles) You make him sound
like one of your castoffs.

And it was Marcel.

- Oh, that's right.

How could I forget Marcel Proust?

- It was Muriac, not Proust.

- Yes, I know.

- Then why did you say Proust?

- It was a joke.

Not very funny.

Marcel Proust, the author.

(chuckling)

- Whatever.

- Sherry?

- Yes, please.

- I was going to leave you
to introduce yourselves.

I'm gonna. (whistles)

- Louise, this is Lawrence.

- Paul.
- Paul.

Lawrence.

- It's all right.

Don't worry, I'm fine.
(food sizzles)

- I saw you a couple of weeks ago,

when I was with Alex.

- Really?

- Haven't seen you in ages.

How are you?

- Yeah, I'm all right.

- I suppose if I choked on something,

you'd know what to do, wouldn't you?

- Why?

- Well, you're on that
doctors thing, aren't you?

- It's not real.

It's television.

- I think he knows that.

(gentle instrumental music)

(sniffing softly)

- Hello, oh.
- Sorry, hi.

Hi.

- Hello.
- Hi.

- What?

- Hi.
- Aren't you that doctor?

- Nurse.

- Lars.

- Lawrence.

(sighs)

(woman laughs)

(gentle instrumental music)

♪ Da da da da ♪

♪ Da-ah ♪

- Oh William, we're thinking of doing one

of those shit daytime antique shows.

We're looking for experts.

I use the term loosely.

But if it comes off, are you interested?

It's not going to be
very glamorous, though.

You're going to be grubbing
around at boot fairs

at seven in the morning with fatties.

- Where from?

- Corby?
- Sounds like heaven.

- Red or white?

Have you not heard about this?

It's new gay wine.

- Where did you get it?

- It's mail order at the moment,

but they do it by the glass at Balans.

They've developed these gay grapes

that are only pollinated
by other male grapes.

- Really?
- No.

(laughing)

No, I just shaved the labels off

and made these on the computer.

- That's not funny.

- I told you.

- Could I have the straight white, please?

Oh, loosen up, Tom.

Come on.

- Yeah, all right.

- It'll be about 20 minutes, guys.

So, William, tell me, how
did you two lovebirds meet?

- I sold him a table.

When I delivered it, I
asked him out for a drink.

- A retsina, I suppose. - Sorry?

- Retsina.

Greek wine.

Nurse Zorba, or whatever he's called.

- Costa, and it's retsina.

- [Harry] How's George?

I haven't seen her for ages.

- She's a handful, but she's great.

- She's a great kid, isn't she?

- I wouldn't know.

♪ Gotta catch it ♪

- Lars said he had a
great time on House Swap.

- Oh, what were you doing on it?

- Bit of this, bit of that.

You know, general handyman.

How was I?

You never did say.

- Oh, fine.

Absolutely fine.

Has it been 20 minutes?

I can't wait.

(glasses clinking)

(happy chattering)

- How's that wine?
(Louise laughs)

- Okay, go on, love.

I'll go again.

- Mm.
- No, I don't want to talk.

- [Tom] This is really good.

- [Louise] That's how we met.

♪ When will we know ♪

♪ This is all ♪

♪ When will we know ♪

- They want me to sign
for another two years,

but it's too long.

It means I wouldn't be
able to do anything else,

and there's talk of a couple
of films in the pipeline.

- That's great.

How's your acting coming along?

I haven't seen you in anything.

You know, you really must tell Tom and I

next time you do something.

We'll come along and
support you. (chuckles)

- I'll make sure to do that.

Oh, and you must make sure to invite me

and Harry to your first
gig at Carnegie Hall.

- So, Lawrence, how did you two meet?

- Still met when I bought
a dining table from him.

- Oh, yeah, right.

Sorry.

- And what a happy day that was.

That was the start of a
brand new experience for me.

I've never had an affair before.

It's quite exciting.

Stolen afternoons, furtive meetings.

- You're seeing someone
else as well as William?

- No.

To quote someone, there is

a third person in this relationship.

- Don't be an asshole, Lawrence.

Listen to yourself.

You're jealous of a nine-year-old girl.

- I'm not jealous, and I'm not an asshole.

- Really.

- I was reading a report the other day

that said that children brought
up by gay parents are half--

- Yeah, yeah, Tom.

Sorry to disappoint you, but I'm not

a campaigner for gay parenting.

Georgie isn't, of course.

I'm sure I'm doing everything wrong.

All I'm trying to do is bring her up

in an environment where
she can feel secure,

and I'm doing that the
best way I know how.

I'm fucking sorry if she gets in the way.

- Okay, that is not what I said or meant.

There's very little point
in carrying on with this.

And there's a double meaning in that.

You can caricature me as being

a spiteful, jealous queen, if you like,

but you cannot keep her in a bubble.

She will get hurt again.

She will meet people who
she will get close to,

and they will go away, but that's life.

You cannot control everything, William.

I'll see myself out.

♪ Don't fall ♪

♪ But ♪

♪ You fall ♪

♪ You fall into my arms ♪

- Aren't you going to run after him?

You've done everything short of putting

your tongue down his throat this evening.

- I don't run after people.

They run after me.

Don't they, Harry?

- What's that supposed to mean?

Who the fuck do you think you are?

Harry wouldn't touch you
with a sterilized bath pole.

- Really?

- Nothing.

No.

He tried it on, and I turned him down.

His pride's hurt, and he knows
he's blown it with the show.

I didn't want to say anything to you,

'cause I knew you'd go mad.

You're a fucking maniac.

- You should have told him, like I said.

- How could you?

- (chuckles) It's not me.

It's your freak of a boyfriend.

It's fucking Robo-cock.

(gentle instrumental music)

- How could you?

♪ Leave the trouble behind ♪

♪ Just food for the wild ♪

♪ Don't, let's ♪

- Morning.

♪ Bring you down ♪

- That was fantastic.

- Mm-hm?

- Last night.

- Thank you.

- No, not that.

- Cheers.

- No, no, that as well.

But the dinner.

It was like something out of,

people would pay money
to see that on stage.

- Mm.

- Is that what all gay people are like?

- Pretty much.

- Wow.

- Oh, god.

(sighs)

There's something you want
to tell me, isn't there?

Something you've never been
able to tell anyone before?

- Like what?

- You're gay, aren't you?

- What?

- It had to happen to me one day.

You know the cliche,
fag-hag finds Mr. Right,

only for him to turn out gay.

- [Paul] I'm not gay.

- Yes, you are.

You haven't admitted it to yourself, but--

- I promise you, I am not gay.

- Well, you would say that, wouldn't you?

- Yeah, and I'd also
say it if it was true.

- You'd better not be. (chuckles)

Ah, mm.

- So, I'm Mr. Right, am I?

- Mr. Right Now, maybe.

- Ooh.
- Ooh.

- I'll give you gay.

Come here.

♪ Don't go to pieces ♪

- Morning.

- I'm feeling very positive.

- I've been thinking,

maybe Harry didn't--

- Who?

- Lars was mad enough to have made it up.

- Oh, please.

He'd been acting guiltily
ever since he got back.

Anyway, why wouldn't he?

What have I got to offer?

- You've got plenty.

- Morning.

- Oh, thanks again for letting me stop.

This is a test.

Until now, I've been too
focused on relationships.

Well from now on, I'm going
to concentrate on my acting,

put negative thoughts
behind me, and move forward.

Oh, I put the cereals over there.

- Oh, all-grain pyramid.

Excellent.

- Where did you get that
from at four in the morning?

- Oh, I found it in one of the cupboards.

- Well, it's not mine.

It must have been left
there by one of my exes.

(chuckling softly)

- Hm.

(upbeat pop music)

♪ One thing you should know about me ♪

♪ Sometimes my life
goes all the way down ♪

♪ So deeply that I cannot see ♪

♪ The one thing to save me ♪

♪ One thing you should know about me ♪

♪ Sometimes the night blows
all the way through me ♪

♪ And it puts out the light inside me ♪

♪ Might make nothing of me ♪

♪ And I ♪

♪ I can't wake up, wake up ♪

♪ You know how ♪

- Where have you been?

- Fucking.

- I never know when you're serious.

- I'm going to bed.

- Just tell me the truth.

What happened between you and Harry?

- What do you think?

♪ I try ♪

- I think that maybe Harry suggested

that they might take you
on the show permanently.

I'm not saying you did
a sort of casting couch,

but perhaps one thing led to another,

and you both regretted it afterwards.

Is that what happened?

- Yeah, you're so clever.

I'm going to bed.

♪ I'm here all alone ♪

♪ It might get the better of me ♪

- I didn't know you smoked.

- Special occasion.

♪ Wake up ♪

♪ With you not beside me ♪

(cell phone ringing)

(sighs)

- Just leave me alone.

I don't believe you.

There's nothing you can say that's

gonna make any difference,

so why don't you just stop this?

All you're doing is upsetting me,

so if that's what you want to do,

then you're doing a good job.

(sighs)

- Shame, I liked him.

- Mm, me too.

- No, I meant Lars.

- Thanks.

- Well, he was a bit of
all right, wasn't he?

Are you sure there wasn't any scratching

on bedroom doors after
we'd all gone to bed?

- I stand no chance, do I?

You're in the fucking hotel,
and you don't believe me.

(both chuckling)

- You know, I'd forgotten how
provincial this place was.

I stopped off at that
cafe in Stafford Street

to get a takeaway mocha.

Big mistake.

The dozy cow serving me looked
like she'd only ever read

about them in celebrity magazines.

Are you from London?

- Oh, it's the poof.

- It's the missing link.
- Stop it, you two.

Oi, oi, oi, oi!

Boots off my furniture.

- (sighs) How long's he here for?

- As long as I like.

- Tell him he can't go out 'til it's dark.

I've got a reputation.

- Leave him alone.

He's had an upset.

- Broken a nail?

- (scoffs) If you must know,

I've got a married woman pregnant,

and the husband's after me.

(gentle instrumental music)

Oh god, you're thick.

- It's so beautiful.

He was a real genius, Ray.

- Oh, very much, sir.

- And he painted the Mona Lisa.

- Well done.

You're right, he did.

- The most famous painting in the world,

and it was done by a gay man.

- That would make such a
statement in the hallway.

- If we can agree on the price.

- Can I have a word?

- I am rather busy at the moment.

- Can't wait.

- Would you excuse me?

Lars has told me what happened.

- Has he?

- [Tom] And I've forgiven him.

- Have you fucking really?

- He is a very good-looking man,

and I know how tempting it must have been,

but he's very vulnerable at the moment.

- Oh, Tom, grow up.

You're pathetic.

Just tell that maniac to call
Alex and tell him the truth.

- I can't do that, Harry.

- If you want to pay hookers
and pretend it's love,

that's up to you, but it's a different

ballgame when it affects me.

Sorry to interrupt,

but I had to tell Tom, they've just

unearthed documents in Florence.

Leonardo wasn't gay.

Said it was a publicity stunt.

- Sorry, no chips.

How will you survive?

- What's that?

- Oh, it's an olive.

It's from foreign.

- [Woman] It looks lovely, Alex.

You always were a very good cook.

- So, nothing happened
with that job on Londoners?

- It was such a blessing in disguise.

- How long you gonna give it, Alex?

- Tell him not to start, Mum.

- I'm just saying you can't go on forever.

- Listen, I know that
I'm going to make it.

There's no doubt in my mind about that.

I don't expect you to understand.

I always knew that I was different.

- You can say that again. (chuckles)

- If you think about it,
what is the main difference

between those that make
it and those that don't?

- Don't know.

I'm sure you're going to tell us.

- It's talent, for a start.

- Perseverance.

Never giving up when the going gets tough,

never taking no for an answer.

- That's the spirit.

That's gonna keep this country great.

- Look, I'm not saying that you can't try,

but maybe you should think
about getting a trade as well.

You can try and be
famous on your days off.

- (scoffs) This is pointless, isn't it?

Mum, you can tell me now.

I'm old enough to take it.

I was adopted, right?

Listen, if you're happy
living this small-town,

small expectations existence,
that's fine with me.

If you're happy that the most exciting

thing you've got to look forward to

is the Whitby shop,
then who's stopping you?

But I want more.

- But don't you think
you might be confusing

being a homosexual with--

- A homosexual?

(chuckling)

- It's the right word, isn't it?

- Yes, if this was 1948.

- All right.

Do you think you're confusing being gay

with wanting to be famous?

You felt different, and
you're confusing the two.

- It's not about being famous.

It's about having something in you that,

oh, what's the point?

- Don't know what the big
deal is about being gay.

Why does it have to make
gay people want to be actors

and hairdressers and fashion designers?

Why can't you have a normal job?

Why can't you be a gay
bus driver, like me?

(laughing)

- I don't think you meant
that the way it sounded, Dad.

- I'm only using bus driver as an example.

You could be a butcher,
or work in a factory.

- Hello, I'm Alex.

I don't think we've ever met.

(cell phone ringing)
- Hang on. That's your agent.

Got the lead in that snuff movie.

- What movie?

- Nothing, Mother.

(sighs)

- Is that him again?

- Come on, he was all right, for a poof.

I don't know what you're
making such a palaver about.

- Oh, and what part of the
palaver am I making too much of?

- You'd have thought poofs would

have figured it out, wouldn't you?

No, I mean, men

should understand the way other men think.

It's not like women, where
they're a different species.

Men want to sleep around, Alex.

It's in the genes.

It's instinct.

Now, you can't explain that to a woman,

but you'd have thought
a man would have got it.

Just a bodily function, mate.

Doesn't mean anything.

- Oh, so that's why Sandra
finished with you, then.

(upbeat pop music)

♪ Hm ♪

♪ Picture this and sail away ♪

♪ On a cloud that's going your way ♪

♪ Make a wish and watch it all ♪

- Aw. (chuckling softly)

♪ Go the way it's going to ♪

♪ Call it all impossible ♪

♪ Breaking all the rules with ♪

♪ Love ♪

♪ Love ♪

- [Man] Will you bloody hurry up?

♪ And simplify ♪

♪ The things that made your teeth grind ♪

♪ Put the bliss on overdrive ♪

♪ 'Til there ain't nothing left inside ♪

- Keep your head down.

♪ Calling all unusuals ♪

♪ Waking up the neighbors ♪

- I suppose getting a
flat will be difficult,

with the deposit and everything.

- I'll survive.

- Here.

Take this.

Buy us a yacht when you get famous.

Take it.

Get yourself a new dress or something.

- Pig.

(upbeat instrumental music)

(vocalists whistling)

There's a good boy.

Yes, you are.

Yes, you are.

You're daddy's little boy, aren't you?

Who needs a boyfriend?

You're not gonna go after
some thick gym queen, are you?

No.

No, you're not.

What are you?

Ugh.

(arcade games beeping)

(bicycle bell dings)
(siren blaring)

To new beginnings.

- New beginnings.

Oh, I got your moving-in present.

- Oh.

- Probably the first of many
that'll end their lives here.

- [Louise] A candle?

- Don't give me that.

I'm not fucking gay.

It's a joke.

(chuckling)

- It's a lovely thought.

- Oh, he's still eating his droppings.

- Yeah, apparently it's normal.

Gross, but normal.

Although he does seem
to do it rather a lot.

- Have you got a name for it yet?

- I was thinking of Mushroom,
'cause he's only small,

and he doesn't take up much room.

- Don't give up your day job.

- Talking of day jobs, I've got some news.

I was called into work early by Fizz,

and she tells me that she's moving

with her husband to New York.

I thought, well, there goes my job.

But she wanted to know if I was interested

in buying the business from her.

Well, of course, I said
it was a lovely idea,

but there's no way I could
raise that kind of money.

She's virtually giving it to me.

Stock, equipment, everything.

All I've got to do is pay for the van,

and she said I could do that
whenever I had the money.

I've already thought of no end

of improvements I can make with the menu.

(phone beeping)

I phoned the bank, and
in theory they're going

to give me the working
capital, but I don't need much.

(gentle instrumental music)

♪ London's burning ♪

♪ And who can blame it ♪

♪ And they call it impersonating ♪

♪ Love ♪

♪ Love ♪

♪ Picture this ♪

♪ It's possible ♪

- Later, come on.
- After you later?

- Okay.
- No, no.

- That's my old graft.
- We're running.

- Yeah. (chuckles)
- One moment.

- [Director] And relaxing with, action.

- What do you think of this, William?

- Ah, yeah.

Now, this is really nice.

Really nice.

Looks like the Omega Workshop,
and if we're really lucky,

it could be by the man
himself, Mr. Roger Fry.

This could do well.

Depends on the price.

- It was 30 quid.

And there was another similar
one in another store for 55,

so I think this one's fucking cheap.

- Twat.

You're really showing us up.

Why'd you do it?

You always do it, where does it go?

- It just come out.
(phone ringing) I don't know.

- What do mean,

it just come out?
- Well, it just--

- Tell me again, why am I doing this?

(telephone ringing)

(champagne cork popping)

- It was fate.

We were doing a small corporate lunch,

a couple of dozen people,

at one of the old banks in the city.

Anyway, I got talking
to this chap Douglas.

He was very interested when I
told him that I was an actor.

It turns out that he's a
closet writer/director,

and he's got this project that

he's been working on for years.

He told me all about it,

and could see that I was fascinated.

- Well, where did you put it?

- You keep saying.

I don't know.

- You really are gonna
have to start getting

your stuff ready the night before, okay?

- And to cut a long story
short, we're putting on a play.

It's only a one-man thing,
but it's being done properly,

all financed by Douglas, who's
obviously got a bob or two.

It's about an economist
called Thomas Malthus,

and it's all about this
influential theory that he wrote.

On the Principles of Population,

1798, revised 1803.

Basically saying that,

well, it's a bit complicated,

but he said that the poor die off

when there's not much work about,

which apparently is a good thing,

or something like that.

- Found it.

(rock music)

Come on.

We're gonna be late.

- Why are you reading the paper

when I'm trying to talk to you?

- Well, it's Heath.

- Hey, he's single.

And he's gorgeous.

Hello, mate.

- How are you?
- Heath, William.

- William.

Are you the car boot flogger in the attic?

- I take it you're unemployed.

- I work from home, but I
structure my lunch breaks

to fit around you.

- Yeah, I'd be flattered
if I believed you.

- Yeah, but I never really believed

that you're a proper antique dealer.

You don't wear the dickey bow.
- I know, I hate them.

There's no possible
excuse for wearing one,

unless you're a gynecologist.

That's an old antique dealers' joke.

- From an old antique dealer.

Want to join us?

- I would love--
- Shit.

Shit, shit, shit.

- What?
- Stay cool.

Can't give him the satisfaction, I guess.

- I'm.

- Yeah.
- Take care.

- [Harry] Yeah.

Well, you completely blew that.

- As you can see, I'm
completely over the little shit.

- Goes without saying.

- Where's your stuff gone?

- [Lars] You remember that double-glazing

millionaire I was on about?

Well, he just upped his offer.

I did leave you a note, I think.

(dial tone humming)

- I am attacked on all
sides by those reprobates

and malcontents who would undermine

the very fabric of this society.

Is it not an obvious fact that if

the poor cannot produce, they must starve?

Is it not verily a law of
nature that if they can't,

law of nature that the weak
must cease from breeding?

Filthy, unwanted mouths.

- What are you doing?

- [William] Working.

And you should be in bed.

- Just five minutes.

I could help.

- All right, then, five minutes.

And if you want to help, sit here.

Have a look at these.

What do you make of these two?

- It's the same lady, only in this one,

she's got her back to us.

They're wearing the same hat.

All the dangly bits match,
just the other way round.

And look.

It's even made of the same straw stuff.

It is her, isn't it?

I am right.

- I think you might be.

(upbeat instrumental music)

(knocking on door)

(chuckles softly)

- Lars only admitted it to
Tom out of spite, you know?

Just a parting shot before
he sailed off into the sunset

with his double-glazing millionaire.

- I always expected something
like this would happen.

- What?

You expected me to go
off with someone else?

- No, not that.

But I suppose I didn't know
what you ever saw in me, anyway.

I always thought you'd wake up to the fact

that I wasn't the person
you thought I was.

- I always knew who you were.

- Did you?

- Always.

And I always loved who you are.

At least I now know how
Mrs. Gladstone felt.

- I can't do this, Harry.

Not now, not yet.

Putting this play on is
a big opportunity for me,

and I just can't be distracted like this.

- Well, yeah.

I'm shooting in Glasgow
for the next two weeks.

I'm definitely going to try
and make it down for you.

- Harry, I don't want you to come.

It's not because I don't
want you there, but because,

just give me a bit of space, okay?

(upbeat instrumental music)

♪ Ba ba ba da da da ♪

♪ Ba ba ba da da da ♪

(punch thuds)
(boy groans)

- Oh my god.

♪ Business of the busy lad ♪

- It's broken.

- No, it's not, darling.

- Serves him right.

- Georgie, stop it now.

Say you're sorry, come on.

- No.

- There's no real harm done.

- All I did was call her dad
a bender, and she hit me.

- Barnaby.

I don't know where you children
pick up language like that.

- But it's true.

They said it at school.

- Well, no, he's not.

And don't use that word.

Now, say you're sorry.

- Well, technically, although I wouldn't

quite put it like that,
he's telling you the truth.

- See?
♪ I'm wishing for ♪

♪ The simple life ♪

- She's very protective of you, isn't she?

Can't imagine Barnaby taking
up arms in defense of my honor.

- She means well, but she goes too far.

- How long has it been?

- Two years in August.

But we divorced two years before that.

- Oh.

They're more resilient than you'd think.

- Maybe.

But you can never really know what's

going on under the surface, can you?

- Mm.

I don't mean to pry, but,

what does she think about you being gay?

- She doesn't mind.

It's just a fact.

Touch wood.

Maybe I've got that all to come.

I think what bothers her is the thought

of someone coming between us.

She's very jealous.

- Yeah, that's understandable,
given the circumstances.

But, as I said, as long
as you're sensible,

they really are more
resilient than you'd imagine.

♪ It's good to be ♪

♪ Ba ba ba da da da ♪

♪ Ba ba ba da da da ♪

♪ Ba ba ba da da da ♪

♪ Ba ba ba da da da ♪

(audience applauding)

(dramatic instrumental music)

- It appears that Douglas is the founder

of a radical economics pressure group

called the Neo-Malthusians,

who argue that the modern liberal world

interferes with natural
checks to population control,

like war, famine, and disease.

Basically, we're,

they are calling for the
compulsory sterilization

of the long-term unemployed.

It just doesn't say any
of this in the script,

so how was I to know?

I wish Mum and Dad hadn't been there.

But it wasn't all bad.

There were trips to see it,

organized by the Adam
Smith something-or-other.

They seemed to like it.

- Hm.

- By the end of the run,
thanks to the pickets

from the Anti-Nazi league,

we were playing to almost-empty houses.

- Hey.

- [Alex] (sobs) Oh, Harry.

I'm just fooling myself
about everything, aren't i?

- No, you're not.

(Alex sniffs)

Fancy a fuck?

(gentle guitar music)

♪ I've got your car keys ♪

♪ You've got my t-shirt on ♪

♪ I've got an old tape ♪

♪ With our favorite songs ♪

♪ We got what it takes ♪

♪ To make us love each other ♪

♪ I'm on the upside ♪

♪ Where the sunshine falls ♪

♪ You're on cloud nine ♪

♪ Where wishes find stars ♪

♪ We've got what it takes ♪

♪ To keep each other warm ♪

♪ We're gonna give some ♪

♪ Take some ♪

♪ There's always a wrong side ♪

♪ There's a right side ♪

♪ And we're still on the same side ♪

- You want to settle up now?

- Oh, yes, if you'd
like, or I can send you

an invoice, if you prefer?

- Oh, we'll do it now, shall we?

- Sure.

- It was very good, by the way.

Everybody said so.

Has the company changed hands recently?

- Oh, yes.

I took it over a couple of months ago.

- Hm, it's improved.

Expect a call from Bradley King.

Old Bradley was scoffing
those salmon things.

Asked for the name of the
caterer between mouthfuls.

- Great.

(dramatic music)

(speaking in foreign language)

Oh, Mushroom!

(chuckles)

(water running)

- When are you going
to move back properly?

- [Alex] Soon.

- Just seems a bit of a
waste keeping that place on,

and you're always here.

- I suppose it is.

I'll tell you what.

I'll cook you dinner
this Saturday evening,

and you can help me
move out Sunday morning.

How's that?

- Ooh.

That sounds grand.

(gentle instrumental music)

(chuckles)

- Hey.
- How are you?

And here was I, thinking
we'd burned all our bridges.

(both chuckling)

- And there's been a lot of
water under the bridge as well.

(Lawrence chuckles)

- What's gonna happen to Mushroom?

- I'm gonna kill him.

I've got to find him a new home.

Harry's got an allergy.

Do you want him?

- He eats his own poo.

- Yeah.

- Mm-hm.

- What do you put on a Madeira cake?

- Dunno.

- I think Lawrence said he
likes lemon or something.

(eggs splatting)

Oh, what a mess.

- It was an accident.

- Yeah, I think we've
got time to start again.

How many eggs do we have left, Georgie?

- I've got some reading to do for school.

- Right, wait a minute.
I want to talk to you.

- I've got--

It'll only take a minute.

Please, one second.

Look, Lawrence is coming here
to see you as well as me.

He wants to get to know you.

I want you to behave properly, yes?

- You can't make me like him.

- No, you're right, I can't,

but there's no reason why
you wouldn't like him.

Oh, Georgie, there's never gonna be

anyone more important to me than you.

No one, ever.

And no one's gonna come between us, okay?

Hey, if I had to choose
between you and Lawrence

or anyone in the world, I
would always choose you.

You know that, don't you?

Doesn't mean I can't have friends, though.

You have friends.

Does it?

You're a big girl now,
Georgie, and I want you

to understand that
adults, they get lonely.

What am I trying to say here?

I like Lawrence a lot.

And it would mean so much to me

if you would at least try to like him.

I mean, if you try and you
don't like him, that's fine,

but I just want you to try, eh?

What do you say?

- Can I go read now?

- Yeah.

(gentle instrumental music)

- Mm.

Are you, (chuckles) are
you gonna bring these?

- I take it by your tone
you don't like them.

- I didn't say that.

- Well, I'm keeping them.

They're a moving-in
present from Lisa at work.

- You all right?

- I'm fine.

I'm cooking.

I always get like this when I'm cooking.

♪ Mm ♪

♪ Mm ♪

(doorbell ringing)

♪ Mm mm mm ♪

- Hm.

- That can stay where it is.

And you can chuck that as
well. I know that by heart.

Regardless of the play's
content, the acting was amateur.

- The stem of the word
amateur is amore, love.

An amateur is someone whose only

motivation for doing something

is for the love of it, so you mustn't be

ashamed to be called an amateur.

- Do you want me to hit you?

- No.

- Why are you always so?

It was a disaster.

There's no sugaring the pill.

When they used the word
amateur, it wasn't a compliment.

- I know, I just--

- You just what?

Think I'm dizzy?

Think I need protecting?

Christ, sometimes it's like sinking in

warm quicksand, being with you.

You make it feel all so
comfortable, but it drags me down.

I'm sorry.

But I'm not a child, Harry.

- That's a pretty hair clip.

- I don't like it.

- [Lawrence] Oh.

Do you like school?

- No.

- [Tom] You do.

- Mm-mm.
- You do.

You're doing a project on the Tudors.

Why don't you tell
Lawrence all about them?

- It's boring.

- You said it was interesting,

and you told me all about it yesterday.

- Why don't you tell
Lawrence about them, then?

- All right, I will.

The Tudor Dynasty started when Henry VII

defeated Richard III at the
Battle of Bosworth Field.

This is the Battle where Richard says,

"A horse, a horse, my
kingdom for a horse."

This was the end of the Wars of the Roses.

This is where the House of Lancaster

and the House of Cornwall, what?

- What?

- Fought to be Kings of England.

Now, when the Wars of the Roses ended,

that was also the end of
the Hundred Years' War.

- Why weren't you angry?

- Hm?

- When I believed Lars and not you.

I mean, if the roles had been reversed,

I'd have been furious that you

hadn't trusted my word over
that of a known scum bag.

- Where is this going?

Do you think I really did sleep with him?

- No.

- Good.

I did find him attractive, and
I suppose I was responsible

for the way he reacted
'cause I led him on.

But when it came down to it,

I couldn't risk what I had with you.

- You didn't seem to have any faith in me.

- When King Henry VIII was dying,

he smelled so rotten
because of all the pus

from the disease that people were

actually sick if they went near him.

And when he died, he was
succeeded by his son Edward,

but it didn't last very long.
In fact, it was rather boring.

And he was succeeded by
Mary, Queen of Scots.

- Daddy, you're wrong.

It wasn't Mary, Queen of Scots.

She came later.

It was Bloody Mary.

And she had all the people
who didn't like her religion

tortured by being burned and having their

stomachs pulled out by rusty iron hooks.

- That's not true.
- Is.

- Is it?
- Yeah.

- [Tom] It's disgusting.

- Mm-hm.

(dramatic music)

- Harry, I don't want to leave here.

I'm sorry, but I don't
want us to go out anymore.

You see, until now, I've never

really had any control over my life.

I've always lived with people

who took all the responsibility,

whether it was my family
or flatmates or lovers.

For the first time, I feel
like I've got some power.

You know, I chose this place.

I furnished and decorated it.

If I don't post the money off

to the electricity
people, the lights go out.

(sighs)

And the business, it's hard work, but,

I love it, and it's something I'm good at.

I make mistakes,

but I learn from them.

I'd always been looking
for someone like you,

a Mr. Right to come along,
look after me, and I found him.

I am going to miss that
safety and security

I feel when I'm with him.

- I love you.

- Oh, I love you, too.

- Hm.

- And this is possibly the
worst, most difficult decision

I'm going to make in my life, but

I have to let him go.

(dramatic techno music)

- So, this is it?

- It's his drawing style,
and the paper's right.

This is Mary Cassatt.

She was an American
artist living in Paris.

That's where she met Degas.

He drew her many times over the years,

but this one is from 1879.

It's a study for a mural
that was never completed,

and it was exhibited

at the Fourth Impressionist Exhibition,

so if I'm right, mine's
a fragment of a picture

produced for the same project.

I mean, it's rough.

The hat's superimposed on the
hat as almost an afterthought,

but Degas did that with
his working drawings.

It's probably cut away from a larger sheet

as a memento for someone,
that sort of thing.

♪ Angel ♪

- I may be wrong,

but my instincts are good.

♪ In my bed ♪

- All I know is that it's, it's beautiful.

It's worth making the effort,

and it's worth taking
the risk of being wrong.

It may not work out, but I have to try.

There's a double meaning in that.

♪ Gentleness ♪

- I'll never get over you, you know?

♪ Is what you give to me ♪

- You made me feel safe.

And wanted.

And happy.

Those are no small things.

♪ You kiss me ♪

- But I need to grow up now.

So do you.

Anyway, I couldn't find anyone

to take care of Mushroom.

So it was either you or him.

Who else is gonna stop him

from eating his own crap?

♪ Tenderness ♪

♪ Is all you need ♪

♪ Gentleness ♪

♪ Is what you give to me ♪

♪ When I see ♪

- [William] What about
the Victorian fire tongs?

Are they going to set the auction ablaze?

What about the lovely old gramophone?

♪ You say it's love ♪

♪ I say it ain't ♪

♪ Just another place ♪

- Here you go.

Have a safe flight.
- Thank you.

Cheers.

Bye.

- No, 'cause, look, there's two Janes.

- One Jane.

- Is there one Jane?

- No, 'cause it's divorced,

beheaded, divorced, survived.

- Beheaded, beheaded, beheaded!

- No, not beheaded,

but divorced, beheaded--

- Beheaded.

(laughing)

♪ We're two outsiders ♪

- (gasps) Fucking hell.

- I heard you were off.

God, how boring,

sitting around campfires with doped-up

middle class weirdos

who think hugging changes shit.

You're just running away.

- I think you should leave.

- You really got under my skin,

and I have absolutely no idea why.

I mean, you're nothing
to look at, are you?

- So, in other words, your

double-glazing millionaire's left you?

- He never existed.

I made him up to make
things worse for Tom.

Evil, aren't i?

I just couldn't stand

being with that twat any longer.

- Well, if you've come here

looking for a credit card and a bed.

- I don't want your money.

I'm a personal trainer now.

I'll give you a discount, if you like.

You could do with shifting a few pounds.

- Oh, thanks very much.

- And you needn't thank me for telling

him nothing happened between us.

- I wasn't planning to.

- I knew he'd come straight to you.

I even surprised myself with that one.

You've ruined me.

I don't want to be like that again.

And you need someone like me.

Someone, someone who frightens you.

(upbeat dance music)

- Oh, sorry.

- No, you're all right.

Here we go.

- Can I get you another one?
- No, you're all right, mate.

- Mm, hi, Marcel.

- Hey, Alex.

Sorry about your friend.

- It's a good job he's a mate of yours.

I'd have kicked his ass.

- Yeah, right. (laughs)

He's a bit of a wipe.

He keeps looking over.

- Go on, go over.

Know you want to.

- Maybe it's too soon.

(both chuckle)

You're right.

That doesn't even convince me.

- Do you want a drink?

♪ One thing you should know about me ♪

♪ Sometimes my life ♪

♪ Goes all the way down ♪

♪ So deeply that I cannot see ♪

♪ The one thing to save me ♪

♪ I'm feeling like I
did before I knew you ♪

♪ I'm waiting like I don't have time ♪

♪ I've given all I can ♪

♪ And go right to you ♪

♪ And you say you're fine ♪

♪ I can know you're never gonna get out ♪

♪ And it's better not to lie ♪

♪ Now you're living like a lookout ♪

♪ Always running from your life ♪

♪ What did anyone say to you ♪

♪ And me this world ♪

♪ Careful as it is ♪

♪ I'm a little late ♪

♪ I'm a little late ♪

(gentle guitar music)

♪ I've got your car keys ♪

♪ You've got my t-shirt on ♪

♪ I've got an old tape ♪

♪ With our favorite songs ♪

♪ We got ♪

♪ What it takes ♪

♪ To make us love each other ♪

♪ I'm on the upside ♪

♪ Where the sunshine falls ♪

♪ You're on cloud nine ♪

♪ Where wishes find stars ♪

♪ We got what it takes ♪

♪ To keep each other warm ♪

♪ We're gonna give some ♪

♪ And take some ♪

♪ There's always a wrong side ♪

♪ There's a right side ♪

♪ And we're still on the same side ♪