Monty Python's Spamalot (2009) - full transcript
Historian: England, 932 AD
A Kingdom divided.
To the West, the Anglo-Saxons,
to the East the French.
Above, nothing but Celts and some people from Scotland.
In Gwynned, Powys, and Dyfed - Plague.
In the kingdoms of Wessex, Sussex, and Essex and Kent - Plague.
In Mercia and the two Anglias - Plague
with a 50% chance of pestilence and famine
coming out of the Northeast at twelve miles per hour.
Legend tells us of an extraordinary leader, who arose from
the chaos, to unite a troubled kingdom....
....A man with a vision who gathered Knights together in a Holy Quest.
This man was Arthur, King of the Britons. For this was England!
Ensemble: Finland, Finland, Finland!
That's the country for me!
Mayor: Finland is the country where we dance!
Finland is the country where we play!
Here in Finland boy and girl can find a true romance
in traditional scandinavian way!
Schlip, Schlap
Schlip and Schlap away
Schlip, Schlap
Schlap away all day!
Schlip, Schlap
you simply can't go wrong
in traditional fish schlapping song!
Schlip, Schlap
Schlip and Schlap away
Schlip, Schlap
Schlap away all day
Schlip, Schlap
you simply can't go wrong
in traditional fish schlapping song!
Finland, Finland, Finland!
The country where I quite want to be!
Pony trekking!
Or camping!
Or just watching TV!
Finland, Finland, Finland!
That's the country for me!
Historian: ... I said England!
Monks: Sacrosanctus domine
Pecavi ignoviunt
Iuesus Christus domine
Pax vobiscum venerunt
King Arthur: Steady. And... over we go.
Well taken, Patsy.
And canter...
And trot...
And whoa!
Well done.
Hello?
Robin: Hello?!
Who goes there?
King Arthur: I am Arthur, King of the Britons.
Lord and ruler of all.
Of England and Scotland
and even tiny little bits of Gaul.
Robin: And I'm the Emperor of Norway. Bugger off!
Patsy: He is Arthur, King of the Britons.
And we are out seeking man.
Very strong man
and very able
King Arthur: ...to sit at our very, very, very round table!
Robin: What is it you want?
King Arthur: I'm looking for men!
Robin: I had a feeling...
King Arthur: We have ridden the length and breadth
of the land in search of knights
to join me in my court at Camelot.
I must speak to your lord and master.
Robin: What, ridden on a horse?
King Arthur: Yes!
Robin: You're using coconuts!
King Arthur: What?
Robin: You've got two empty halves of coconut
and you're banging them together.
King Arthur: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter
covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercia, through...
Robin: Where'd you get the coconuts?
King Arthur: We found them.
Robin: Found them? In Mercia? The coconut's tropical!
King Arthur: What do you mean?
Roin: Well, this is a temperate zone...
King Arthur: The swallow may fly south with the sun or the House
Martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter
yet these are not strangers to our land.
Robin: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
King Arthur: Not at all, they could be carried.
Robin: What? A swallow carrying a coconut?
King Arthur: It could grip it by the husk.
Robin: It's not a question of where he grips it!
It's a simple question of weight ratios!
A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut.
King Arthur: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you tell your master that
Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here?
Robin: Listen, in order to maintain air-speed velocity,
a swallow needs to beat its wings 43 times every second, right?
King Arthur: Please.
Robin: Am I right?
King Arthur: I'm not interested!
Lance: It could be carried by an African swallow!
Robin: Oh yeah, an African swallow, maybe,
but not a European swallow, that's my point.
Lance: Oh yeah, I agree with that... Beautiful bird,
the African swallow. Lovely plumage.
Robin: The plumage don't enter into it. And besides,
African swallows are non-migratory.
Lance: Oh yes...
Robin: So they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway...
Arthur: Will you ask your master if he wants
to join my court at Camelot?
Lance: Wait a minute, supposing two swallows carried it together?
Robin: No, they'd have to have it on a line.
Lance: Well, simple! They'd just use a strand of creeper!
Robin: What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers?
Lance: Hey! Who was that then?
Robin: That's a king.
Lance: How can you tell?
Robin: He hasn't got shit all over him.
Monks: Sacrosanctus domine
Robin: Bring out your Dead!
Monks: Pecavi ignoviunt
Robin: Bring out your Dead!
Monks: Iuesus Christus domine
Robin: Bring out your Dead!
Monks: Pax vobiscum venerunt
Lance: Here's one.
Robin: Nine pence.
Not Dead Fred: I'm not dead!
Robin: What?
Lance: Nothing. Here's your nine pence.
Not Dead Fred: I'm not dead!
Robin: Here, he says he's not dead!
Lance: Yes, he is!
Not Dead Fred: I'm not!
Robin: He isn't...
Lance: Well, he will be soon, he's very ill.
Not Dead Fred: I'm getting better!
Lance: You'll be stone dead in a moment.
Robin: I can't take him like that. It's against regulations.
Not Dead Fred: I don't want to go on the cart!
Lance: Don't be such a baby.
Robin: I can't take him.
Not Dead Fred: I feel fine!
Lance: Well, do us a favor...
Robin: I can't.
Lance: Well, can you hang around for a couple of minutes?
He won't be long.
Robin: Alright. Kevin!
Lance: Thanks, mate.
Robin: But make it quick! I got to get to Camelot by six.
Lance: You're going to Camelot?
Robin: Yes.
Lance: What, you got a gig?
Robin: No. I'm going to enlist.
Lance: What, as a Knight?
Robin: Maybe...
Lance: Well, I'll come with ya!
Not Dead Fred: I'm not dead yet!
Lance: Shut up. I fancy some of that fighting.
Robin: Oh, there's fighting is there?
Lance: Quite, a lot of fighting, mate. That's what the job's about.
Robin: Oh, I see. It's not just dressing up. And dancing.
Lance: No, no. It's mostly fighting.
Robin: Oh, good.
Lance: Although, I mean, some of the Scottish regiments might have
a bit of dancing.
Not Dead Fred: I'd like to dance.
Lance: Look, you're not fooling anyone you know.
Not Dead Fred: I feel happy! I feel happy!!!
I am not dead yet!
I can dance and I can sing!
I am not dead yet!
I can do the Highland thing!
I am not dead yet! No need to go to bed!
No need to call the doctor cause I'm not yet dead!
Bodies: He is not yet dead! That's what the geezer said.
He is not yet dead! That man is off his head.
He is not yet dead! Put him back in bed.
Keep him off the cart because he's not yet dead!
Well, now he's dead! You whacked him on the head.
Sure, now he's dead. It makes me just see red.
You are such a brute to murder that old coot!
You homicidal bastard, now he's really dead!
Who is the knave? Who is he?
And who needs to manage is anger?
Lance: My name is Lancalot. I'm big and strong and hot.
Occasionally I do some things that I should not.
Robin: I want to be a Knight but I don't like to fight.
I'm rather scared I may simply run away!
Lance: I'll be right with you, Robin, through and through and through.
So stick with me and I'll show you what to do!
Both: We'll remain good chums...
Lance: You can teach me how to dance!
Both: We're going to entlist!
Robin: I'm Robin!
Lance: And I'm Lance!
All: Oh, we're off to war because we're not yet dead.
We will all entlist as the Knights that Arthur led!
Not Dead Fred: I am coming too! My name will be Sir Fred.
I'll be your musician cause I'm not yet dead!
Lance: To kill, I will. It gives me such a thrill.
Robin: To sing and dance and keep an eye on Lance.
All: We're going off to war!
We'll have girlfriends by the score!
Not Dead Fred: We'll be shot by Michael Moore!
Bodies: Cause we're not yet...
Bodies: ... dead!
All: Not yet dead!
Lance: I don't know but it's been said.
Bodies: I don't know but it's been said.
Lance: We're off to war, we're not yet dead!
Bodies: We're off to war, we're not yet dead!
Lance: Become a Knight and you'll go far!
Bodies: Become a Knight and you'll go far!
Lance: In suspenders and a bra!
Bodies: In suspenders and a bra???
Arthur: And c'mon! Old woman!
Dennis: Man!
Arthur: Man, sorry. What Knight lives in that castle over there?
Dennis: I'm twenty seven.
Arthur: What?
Dennis: I'm not old!
Arthur: Well I can't just call you 'Man'.
Dennis: Well, you could say 'Dennis'.
Arthur: Well, I didn't know you were called 'Dennis'.
Dennis: Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?
Arthur: Look I'm sorry about the 'old woman' thing,
but really from behind you do look like...
Dennis: What I object to is you
automatically treat me like an inferior!
Arthur: Well, I am king...
Dennis: Oh, king, eh, very nice. And how'd you get that, eh?
By exploiting the workers.
By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which
perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society!
If there's ever going to be any progress...
Mother: Dennis, there's a lot of good mud over there.
Oh how d'you do?
Arthur: How do you do, good lady.
Mother: Oh. How d'you. I'm Mrs. Galahad,
widowed mother of Dennis, married to Nobby the Cretin,
dropped dead last Tuesday, which does leave me sadly available.
Arthur: I am Arthur, King of the Britons.
Mother: King of the who?
Arthur: The Britons.
Mother: Who are the Britons?
Arthur: Well, we all are. We are all Britons
and I am your king.
Mother: I didn't know we had a king.
I thought we were an autonomous collective.
Dennis: You're fooling yourself.
We're living in a dictatorship.
A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the
working classes...
Mother: Oh, there you go, bringing class into it again.
Dennis: That's what it's all about!
Arthur: Please, please good people. I am in haste.
Who is your lord?
Mother: We don't have a lord.
Dennis: We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it
in turns to act as a sort of an executive officer for the week.
Arthur: Yes.
Dennis: But each decision of that officer
has to be ratified at a special biweekly meeting...
Arthur: Yes, yes, I see.
Dennis: ...by a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs...
Arthur: Yes, and now be quiet.
Dennis: ...but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more...
Arthur: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!
Mother: Oh! Order, eh? Who does he think he is?
Arthur: I am your king!
Mother: Well, I didn't vote for you!
Arthur: You don't vote for kings.
Mother: Well, how did you become king then?
Arthur: Well, I'll tell you. One day, as I was riding
forth from Camelot I saw a lady in the lake!
Dennis: Dead?
Arthur: No. Not dead. She was the Lady of the Lake!
She lives in the lake!
Dennis: What, underwater?
Arthur: Yes.
Arthur: She appeared to me out of the bosom of the water...
Her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite
holding aloft Excalibur signifying by Divine Providence
that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur.
Patsy: Excalibur!
Ensemble: Excalibur!
Arthur: That is why I am your King!
Dennis: Listen...
Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords
is no basis for a system of government.
Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from
the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony!
Arthur: It's not just an ordinary sword. How many
swords do you know that have their own names?
Dennis: You can't expect to wield supreme executive power
just because some watery tart threw a sword at you!
Arthur: Be quiet!
Dennis: If I went around saying I was emperor just because
some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitarat me they'd put me away!
Arthur: Do you think I could make that up?
Dennis: Soggy old blondes with their backsides
in ponds can't replace the electorate.
Arthur: Very well, since you don't believe me,
if I prove to you that the Lady of the Lake exists,
will you join my army
and enlist as a Knight?
Dennis: Oh sure, if she exists, I'll join any bloody army.
And for the Tooth Fairy, I'll join the Navy!
Arthur: Very well. Watch this!
Oh Lady of the Lake,
please reveal to this doubting Thomas...
Dennis: Dennis.
Arthur: ...please reveal to this doubting Dennis that you are real!
Lady: Come with me, come with me!
Come with me, Sweet Galahad!
You'll be a man. Join Arthurs clan!
Come with me and I will make you glad.
Galahad, sweet Galahad,
be a Knight! It's time to take your vow!
If you come with me now, I'll show you how.
Dennis: Oh wow!
Mother: 'Ere, you leave him alone you watery witch. Dennis.
Come back. You'll catch a nasty cold in that pond.
Arthur: Stand aside please, Mrs. Galahad, while the Lady of the
Lake and her Laker Girls welcome your son into my army.
I am Arthur, King of the Britons,
and we're seeking men who are able.
And so we're recruiting Dennis to sit
at our very, very, very round table.
Ready?!
Laker Girls: Okay!
K-I-N-G-A-R-T-H-U-R, ARTHUR!
K-I-N-G-A-R-T-H-U-R, ARTHUR!
ARTHUR KING, ARTHUR KING
THE BIGGEST AND THE COOLEST THING
Arthur: Who's the king?
Laker Girls: U-R!
Arthur: Who's the king?
Laker Girls: U-R!
A-R-T-H-U-R, ARTHUR!
WHO IS NEXT TO ENLIST?
DENNIS! DENNIS!
Patsy: Who is?
Patsy and Laker Girls: DEN-IS!
Patsy and Laker Girls: THE LADY OF THE LAKE WILL MAKE HIM A MAN
IF SHE CAN'T DO IT NOBODY CAN!
Arthur and Patsy: Who will he be?
Laker Girls: G-A-L-A-H-A-D
Laker Girls: G-A-L-A-H-A-...
Mother: D!
Patsy: Tonight, King Arthur presents the Lady of the Lake
and the Knighting of Dennis Galahad!
Dennis: Once in every show
there comes a song like this.
It starts off soft and slow
and ends up with a kiss.
Oh where is the song that goes like this?
Where is it? Where? Where?
Lady: A sentimental song that casts a magic spell.
They all will hum along. We'll overact like hell!
Oh this is the song that goes like this.
Dennis: Yes it is!
Both: Yes it is!
Dennis: Now we can go straight into the middle eight.
A bridge that is too far for me.
Lady: I'll sing it in your face while we both embrace
Both: and then we change the key!
Dennis: Now we're in to E, that's awfully high for me!
Lady: But everyone can see we should have stayed in D.
Both: For this is our song that goes like this.
Dennis: I'm feeling very proud!
Lady: You're singing far too loud...
Dennis: That's the way that this song goes.
Lady: You're standing on my toes.
Both: Singing our song that goes like this.
Lady: I can't believe there's more!
Dennis: It's far too long I'm sure!
Lady: That's the trouble with this song. It goes on and on and on
Both: For this is the song that is too long.
Dennis: Jesus Christ! God damn it!
Lady: We'll be singing this till dawn...
Dennis: You'll wish that you weren't born!
Lady: Let's stop this damn refrain
Both: before we go insane! The song always ends like this!
Arthur: Come, kneel.
Dennis: Dennis!
Arthur: Come, Dennis, kneel!
Arise, Sir Galahad!
Dennis: Oh, thank you, King Arthur. I feel ever so much better now.
Patsy: Ere, Dennis, what has she done to your voice?
Dennis: I'm talking properly now, because I am a Knight.
Patsy: No you're a prat!
But after all prats somewhere inside
but now I'm in touch with my inner prat!
Arthur: Come, let us to horse.
Dennis: To what?
Arthur: To horse!
Patsy: Come on. You'll get the hang of it.
Historian: And so, King Arthur gathered more Knights together, bringing
from all the corners of the Kingdom the strongest and bravest in the land
to sit at the Round Table.
The strangely flatulent Sir Bedevere.
The scientist who first proved that coconuts migrate,
the dashingly handsome Sir Galahad,
the homicidally brave Sir Lancelot,
Sir Robin the Not-quite-so-brave-as-Sir-Lancelot,
who slew the vicious chicken of Bristol and
who personally wet himself at the Battle of Badon Hill.
And the aptly named Sir Not-Appearing-in-this-show.
Together they formed a band whose names and deeds were to be retold
throughout the Centuries... The Knights of the Round Table!
Knights: ALL FOR ONE, ONE FOR ALL
ALL FOR ONE, AND ONE FOR ALL
Bedevere: SOME FOR SOME
Dennis: NONE FOR NONE
Robin: SLIGHTLY LESS FOR PEOPLE WE DON'T LIKE
Lance: AND A LITTLE BIT MORE FOR ME
Knights: ALL ROUND THIS BLIGHTY LAND
WE ARE HIS MIGHTY BAND! OH
KING ARTHUR'S STRONGEST KNIGHTS
WE ARE PREPARED TO FIGHT WHOEVER!
Arthur: Knights, tonight is the night we shine a light
on the mystery of the dark time: to wit...
why do they call us the Middle Ages when nothing yet comes after us?
Someday, history will speak of a legendary king and his knights of
courage and daring.
Knights: ALL FOR ONE, ONE FOR ALL
FROM HIGH TO LOW, FROM BIG TO SMALL.
Arthur: Together, we shall bring chivalry to a rude and churlish time.
But first I thought "Let's go to Camelot!"
Knights: To Camelot!
Arthur: And remember, gentlemen:
What happens in Camelot, stays in Camelot!
Girls: CAMELOT.
THE TOWN THAT NEVER SLEEPS! IT'S CAMELOT!
Knights: WE'RE KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND TABLE
WE DANCE WHEN E'ER WE'RE ABLE
WE DO ROUTINES AND CHORUS SCENES
WITH FOOTWORK IMPECC-ABLE.
WE DINE WELL HERE IN CAMELOT
WE EAT HAM AND JAM AND SPAM A LOT!
SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM
SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM
WE'RE KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND TABLE
OUR SHOWS ARE FOR-MID-ABLE.
BUT MANY TIMES, WE'RE GIVEN RHYMES
THAT ARE QUITE UNSING-ABLE.
WE'RE OPERA MAD IN CAMELOT
WE SING FROM THE DIAPHRAGM A LOT!
King Arthur: One, two, three, huh!
Knights: WE'RE KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND TABLE
ALTHOUGH WE LIVE A FABLE
WE'RE NOT JUST BUMS
WITH ROYAL MUMS
WE'VE BRAINS THAT ARE QUITE ABLE.
WE'VE A BUSY LIFE IN CAMELOT!
Bass: I HAVE TO PUSH THE PRAM A LOT.
King Arthur: Ladies and gentlemen - The Lady of the Lake!
Lady: ONCE IN EV'RY SHOW
THERE COMES A SONG LIKE THIS
ITSTARTSOFFSOFTANDSLOW
AND ENDS UP WITH A KISS
OH, WHERE, WHERE, SOMEONE TELL ME WHERE
IS THE SONG THAT GOES LIKE THIS?
GOES LIKE THIS?
FOR THIS IS THE SONG THAT GOES...
LIKE...
Lady: THEY'RE KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND TABLE
Arthur: THEY DANCE WHEN E'ER THEY'RE ABLE
Lady: THEY'RE KNIGHTS
Arthur: NOT DAYS, BUT KNIGHTS
Both: NOT DAWN, NOT DUSK. NOT LATE AFTERNOON
BUT KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND TABLE!
ROUND TABLE, ROUND TABLE,
ROUND TABLE
All: ROUND TABLE, ROUND TABLE,
ROUND TABLE, ROUND TABLE!
TRY YOUR LUCK IN CAMALOT!
RUN AMUCK IN CAMELOT!
IT DOESN'T SUCK IN CAMELOT!
WE WON!
WE'RE KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND TABLE
WE DANCE WHEN E'ER WE'RE ABLE
WE DO ROUTINES AND GORY SCENES
THAT ARE TOO HOT FOR CABLE
WE EAT HAM AND JAM!
POW!
WE EAT HAM AND JAM
AND SPAM-A-LOT!
SPAMALOT!
God: Arthur! Arthur, King of the Britons! Oh, don't grovel!
If there's one thing I cannot stand, it's people groveling.
Arthur: Sorry, Lord.
God: And don't apologize. Every time I try to talk to someone, it's
'sorry this,' and, 'forgive me that,' and, 'I'm not worthy'.
What are you doing pissing around in Camelot!?
Arthur: Well, we were dancing Lord and...
God: And what are you doing now?
Arthur: I'm averting my eyes, oh Lord.
God: Well, don't. And stop looking up my skirt!
Arthur: Yes, Lord!
God: Right! Arthur, King of the Britons, your Knights have a task
to make them an example in these dark time...
Arthur: Oh, good idea, oh Lord!
God: Of 'course it's a good idea!
I'm God, you stupid tit! Jesus!
Now this shall be your Quest. Behold!
Arthur, this is the Holy Grail. Look well.
For that is your purpose, Arthur,
the Quest for the Holy Grail.
Arthur: But how will I...
God: Just find the Grail, okay. And get on with it.
These people don't have all night!
Arthur: God be praised! We have a Quest.
Bedevere: To find the Grail!
Robin: The Quail!
Arthur: No, no, the Grail. The vessel used at The Last Supper.
Robin: They had a boat at the Last Supper?
Was it a sort of Dinner Cruise?
Dennis: The Grail is a Cup.
Robin: God the Almighty and All Knowing has misplaced a cup?
Dennis: Apparently.
Robin: Doesn't sound very plausible.
If God is all-knowing He must know where it is...
Dennis: It does seem very careless.
There must be other cups he could use.
Robin: Couldn't we just buy him another one?
Arthur: Look, it's not just about a missing mug.
It's a metaphor. We must all look within us!
That's where we'll find the Grail!
Robin: Somebody's swallowed it?
Arthur: Nobody has swallowed it. It's a symbol!
*cymbal plays in the background*
Look, just go and find it.
Robin: Found it.
Arthur: Where?
Robin: It's right there!
Lady: IF YOU TRUST IN YOUR SOUL
KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE GOAL.
THEN THE PRIZE YOU WON'T FAIL:
THAT'S YOUR GRAIL, THAT'S YOUR GRAIL!
SO BE STRONG, KEEP RIGHT ON
TO THE END OF YOUR SONG
DO NOT FAIL! FIND YOUR GRAIL
FIND YOUR GRAIL, FIND YOUR GRAIL
LIFE IS REALLY UP TO YOU
YOU MUST CHOOSE WHAT TO PURSUE OH YEAH
SET YOUR MIND ON WHAT TO FIND
AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN'T DO
SO KEEP RIGHT TO THE END
YOU'LL FIND YOUR GOAL MY FRIEND
YOU WON'T FAIL! FIND YOUR GRAIL,
FIND YOUR GRAIL, FIND YOUR GRAIL!
Knights: FIND YOUR GRAIL
FIND YOUR GRAIL
Arthur: When your life seems to drift,
when we all need a lift,
Trim your sail, you won't fail!
Find your Grail, find your Grail!
LIFE IS REALLY UP TO YOU
YOU MUST CHOOSE WHAT TO PURSUE
SET YOUR MIND ON WHAT TO FIND!
Lady: AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN'T DO, YOU CAN'T DO!
All: SO KEEP RIGHT TO THE END
YOU'LL FIND YOUR GOAL MY FRIEND
YOU WON'T FAIL, FIND YOUR GRAIL
FIND YOUR GRAIL, FIND YOUR GRAIL
Knight 1: Spring!
Knight 2: Summer!
Knight 1: Winter!
Knight 2: Water!
Arthur: And Halt! Woah!
Hello? Hello?
Taunter: 'Allo! Who is it?
Arthur: It is King Arthur, and these are my Knights
of the Round Table. Whose castle is this?
Taunter: This is the castle of my master,
Guy de Loimbard! The French bastard.
Arthur: Well, go and tell your master that we have been
sent on a sacred quest.
And if he will give us food and shelter
for the night he may join us on our quest for the Holy Grail.
Taunter: Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen.
He's already got one, you see?
Arthur: What?
Dennis: He says they've already got one!
Arthur: Are you sure he's got one?
Taunter: Oh, yes, it's very nice.
Hey! I told him we already got one!
Guards: Tee hee hee!
Arthur: Well, can we come in and have a look?
Taunter: Of course not! You are English bed-wetting types!
Arthur: Well, what are you then?
Taunter: I'm French! Why do you think I have this
outrageous accent, you silly king?
Arthur: If you will not show us the Grail,
we shall take this castle by force!
Taunter: You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs!
Go and boil your bottoms, sons of a silly person.
I blow my nose at you, so-called Arthur-king,
you and all your silly English kniggets.
Arthur: Now look here my good man!
Taunter: I don't want to talk to you no more
you empty headed animal food trough wipers!
I fart in your general direction!
Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!
Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time.
Dennis: Is there someone else we could talk to?
Taunter: Hey, hey, no chance, son of a window-dresser!
I wave my private parts at your aunties,
you, you tinybrained wipers of other people's bottoms!
Arthur: I command you, in the name of the Knights of Camelot,
to open the doors of this sacred castle, to which God himself
has guided us!
Taunter: Well, I burst my pimples at you and call your door-opening
request a silly thing, you cheesy lot of second-hand electric
donkey bottom biters.
Robin: They're using rude gestures, sir.
Dennis: The fiends. They haven't an ounce of chivalry.
Arthur: What do we do, Bedevere?
Bedevere: Well, I believe that it is time for Plan B, Sire.
My secret weapon.
Arthur: If you do not cease to taunt us, we shall be forced
to bring out our secret weapon.
Taunter: Oh, no. Oh, we are all so scared.
Oh, sir, did I mention before...
Arthur: Right that's it. They have a nasty shock coming to them.
Bedevere. What the hell is that?
Bedevere: The wooden rabbit, Sire!
It's the very latest in modern technology.
Robin: Wow.
Arthur: How does it work?
Bedevere: Well, the beauty of it is its simplicity.
We just leave it here and then walk away.
Taunter: Qu'est ce-que c'est?
Guard: What?
Taunter: What is this?
Guard: C'est un lapin, un grand lapin de bois.
Taunter: What?
Guard: A rabbit. A large, wooden rabbit.
Taunter: Oh, a large, wooden rabbit. How very very nice.
What the hell is it doing here?
Guard: Perhaps it is Art.
Guards: Oh!
Taunter: Art! Oh, yes. Of course. It is Art. Hey, French people!
Come outside here and look at our big new piece of Art!
It is very big, you know, very big but what does it mean?
It, uh, symbolizes our strength in our struggles and...
French guy: No, it says we are all rabbit inside.
All: Brilliant! Oui! Oui!
Formidable!
Taunter: Better bring the rabbit into the castle.
We can hang it in the Salon next to the Renoir.
But, uh, first lets see if it has any chocolate inside.
It could be some kind of an Easter thing.
Arthur: Brilliant plan, Bedevere. They fell for it completely.
What happens now?
Bedevere: Well, now we wait until nightfall and
then we all leap out of the rabbit.
Arthur: What?
Bedevere: We all leap out of the... oh, dear... I forgot a bit.
Supposing we build this large wooden badger?
Arthur: Shut up!
Taunter: The rabbit, she is empty!
You, you have sent us an empty rabbit!
That is too much for we French. Now, now it will have to
pay from your very bowels. Fetchez le catapult!
Guard: Fetchez le catapult!
Taunter: And... Fetchez la vache!
Guard: Fetchez la vache!
Arthur: What's a la vache?
Bedevere: Sire, if I'm not mistaken, la vache means "the cow."
Patsy: What could they possibly do with a cow?
Guards: HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA
HA, HA, HA, HA, HA
YOU ENGLISH ARE ALL BUGGER FOLK
YOUR MOTHERS ARE ALL RUGGER FOLK
YOUR ARMY IS A BLOODY JOKE
YOU COULDN'T BEAT AN ARTICHOKE.
IF BATTLE YOU CHOOSE TO RENEW
WE'LL TAUNT YOU TILL YOU ALL TURN BLUE.
WE TURN OUR ARSES AS YOU PART
IN YOUR DIRECTION WE ALL FART!
Taunter: Fetchez Le Can-Can Dancers!
Knights: Run away!
All: RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!
RUN AWAY! RUN, RUN, RUN, RUN, RUN!
RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!
RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!
Robin: Oh!
RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY!
RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY.
RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY.
RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY!
Arthur: WE'RE STUCK IN A NASTY POSITION
WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A SHORT INTERMISSION?
HAVE A DRINK AND A PEE
WE'LL BE BACK FOR ACT THREE!
Patsy: Two, sir.
Arthur: Two!
All: RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY!
RUN, RUN, RUN, RUN, RUN, RUN, RUN AWAY!
Historian: Defeat, at the castle in Act One,
seems to have utterly disheartened King Arthur.
The ferocity of the French taunting took him completely by surprise.
King Arthur and his Knights fled for their lives and
were instantly scattered and lost in a dark and very expensive forest.
Arthur: Woahaha!
This is a total bloody disaster! All my Knights have fled
and we're lost in a dark and extremely expensive forest.
Patsy: Well, it could be worse.
Arthur: How could it possibly be worse?
Voice: Ni!
Arthur: Oh no!
Arthur: Who are you?
Ni Knight: We are the Knights Who Say... Ni!
Arthur: No! Not the Knights Who Say Ni!
Ni Knight: The same! We are the keepers of the sacred words:
Ni Peng, and Ni-wom!
Arthur: Those who hear these words seldom live to tell the tale!
Patsy: Oh, great.
Ni Knight: The Knights Who Say Ni demand a sacrifice!
Arthur: Oh, Knights of Ni,
we are but simple travelers lost in these woods.
Ni Knights: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!
Ni Knight: We shall say 'ni' again to you if you do not appease us.
Arthur: Well, what is it that you want?
Ni Knight: We want...
a shrubbery!
Ni Knights: A shrubbery! A shrubbery!
Arthur: Where the hell are we going to find a shrubbery?
Ni Knight: If you do not find us a shrubbery, you must cut down
the mightiest tree in the forest with... a herring.
Ni Knights: Herring! Herring! Herring!
Arthur: Very well. We'll find you a shrubbery.
Ni Knight: Good! You must return here with the shrubbery
within the next 2000 years...
... within the next twelve seconds...
... before nightfall or else you will never
pass through this wood alive!
And now... Niu!
Ni Knights: Niu! Niu!
Arthur: Well, go on then!
Ni Knights: Ni!
Arthur: Where are we going to find a shrubbery?
Patsy: Maybe we can build one? Out of cats.
Arthur: Oh don't be ridiculous. Where are we gonna find cats?
This is a total nightmare.
You think it would be easy: one, round up a bunch of knights;
two, seek and find the Grail; five...
Patsy: Three, sir.
Arthur: Three, go home. But no. I'm so depressed.
Patsy: Cheer up, Sire. You know what they say...
Arthur: What do they say, Patsy?
Patsy: SOME THINGS IN LIFE ARE BAD,
THEY CAN REALLY MAKE YOU MAD.
OTHER THINGS JUST MAKE YOU SWEAR AND CURSE.
WHEN YOU'RE CHEWING ON LIFE'S GRISTLE,
DON'T GRUMBLE, GIVE A WHISTLE!
AND THIS'LL HELP THINGS TURN OUT FOR THE BEST...
AND...
ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE!
ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE!
You try it!
IF LIFE SEEMS JOLLY ROTTEN,
THERE'S SOMETHING YOU'VE FORGOTTEN!
AND THAT'S TO LAUGH AND SMILE AND DANCE AND SING,
WHEN YOU'RE FEELING IN THE DUMPS,
DON'T BE SILLY CHUMPS,
JUST PURSE YOUR LIPS AND WHISTLE, THAT'S THE THING!
AND...
Patsy and Knights: ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE!
ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE!
Patsy: FOR LIFE IS QUITE ABSURD,
AND DEATH'S THE FINAL WORD.
YOU MUST ALWAYS FACE THE CURTAIN WITH A BOW!
FORGET ABOUT YOUR SIN - GIVE THE AUDIENCE A GRIN,
ENJOY IT - IT'S YOUR LAST CHANCE ANYHOW!
Arthur: ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF DEATH!
JUST BEFORE YOU DRAW YOUR TERMINAL BREATH
LIFE'S A PIECE OF SHIT, WHEN YOU LOOK AT IT.
LIFE'S A LAUGH AND DEATH'S A JOKE, IT'S TRUE.
Patsy: YOU'LL SEE IT'S ALL A SHOW,
KEEP 'EM LAUGHING AS YOU GO.
Arthur: JUST REMEMBER THAT THE LAST LAUGH IS ON YOU!
All: ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE!
ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE!
All: ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE!
ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE!
All: ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE!
ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE!
Patsy: Follow me!
Both: FOR LIFE IS QUITE ABSURD AND DEATH'S THE FINAL WORD
YOU MUST ALWAYS FACE THE CURTAIN WITH A BOW.
Arthur: Excuse me, is that a shrubbery?
Mother: Yes it is! I was just throwing it out. The cat won't leave it alone.
Arthur: Well, what a stroke of luck!
We'll take it off your hands.Thank you, Patsy!
Lovely! How lovely!
All: ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE!
ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE!
SIDE OF LIFE! SIDE OF LIFE!
Minstrel: BRAVELY BOLD SIR ROBIN, RODE FORTH FROM CAMELOT.
HE WAS NOT AFRAID TO DIE, O BRAVE SIR ROBIN!
HE WAS NOT AT ALL AFRAID TO BE KILLED IN NASTY WAYS.
BRAVE, BRAVE, BRAVE, BRAVE SIR ROBIN!
HE WAS NOT IN THE LEAST BIT SCARED TO BE MASHED INTO A PULP,
OR TO HAVE HIS EYES GOUGED OUT, AND HIS ELBOWS BROKEN.
TO HAVE HIS KNEECAPS SPLIT, AND HIS BODY BURNED AWAY,
AND HIS LIMBS ALL HACKED AND MANGLED, BRAVE SIR ROBIN!
HIS HEAD SMASHED IN AND HIS HEART CUT OUT,
AND HIS LIVER REMOVED AND HIS BOWELS UNPLUGGED,
AND HIS NOSTRILS RAPED AND HIS BOTTOM BURNED OFF,
AND HIS PENIS SPLIT AND HIS...
Robin: That's, uh, that's enough music for now lads!
Black Knight: None shall pass!
Robin: Oh!
Minstrel: BRAVE SIR ROBIN RAN AWAY!
BRAVELY RAN AWAY, AWAY!
LET US PRAISE THAT MAN ALL DAY
WHO SOILED HIS PANTS AND THEN RAN AWAY...
Arthur: Good Sir Knight. I am King Arthur looking for my men.
Would you care to join us?
Black Knight: None shall pass!
Arthur: I see. Well, good sir knight I have no quarrel with you,
but I must pass this way.
Black Knight: Then you shall die.
Arthur: I command you as King of the Britons to stand aside!
Black Knight: I move for no man!
Arthur: So be it!
Arthur: Yield, worthy adversary.
Black Knight: 'Tis but a scratch.
Arthur: A scratch? Your arm's off!
Black Knight: No, it isn't.
Arthur: Well, what's that then?
Black Knight: I've had worse.
Arthur: You liar!
Black Knight: Come on, you pansy!
Arthur: Victory is mine! We thank thee Lord, that in thy mercy...
Black Knight: Ha!
Come on then!
Arthur: What?
Black Knight: Have at you!
Arthur: You are indeed brave, good Sir Knight, but the fight is mine.
Black Knight: Oh, had enough, eh?
Arthur: Look, you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left.
Black Knight: Yes, I have.
Arthur: But look!
Black Knight: Just a flesh wound.
Monk: Alms for the poor! Alms for the..
Oh you're very kind!
Alms for the poor!
Black Knight: The Black Knight always triumphs! I'm invincible!
Arthur: You're a loony.
Black Knight: Chicken-chicken-chicken-chicken!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha! You missed me!
Arthur: Come, Patsy!
Black Knight: All right, we'll call it a tie.
ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE...
Minstrel: HE WAS RUNNING AWAY AND CHICKENING OUT
AND BUGGERING OFF AND PISSING OFF HOME
Robin: just go home!
Minstrel: WHEN DANGER REARED ITS UGLY HEAD
Robin: Don't you have another song?!
Minstrel: HE SIMPLY SHAT HIMSELF INSTEAD!
Robin: Stop it! Stop it!
Arthur: Are you running away?
Robin: No, no, Sire, I was not running away. I was running to where I
thought the Grail might be... sort of over here.
Ni Knight: Ni!
Robin: Ah!!
Ni Knight: So I come again, unexpectedly!
Robin: Stupid idiot, that really scared me, it is so...
Ni Knights: Ahhhhh!
Ni Knight!: Don't say that word!
Robin: What word?
Ni Knight: I cannot tell! Suffice to say that's one of the words
the Knights of Ni cannot hear.
Robin: How can we not say the word if you don't tell us what it is?
Ni Knights: Ahhhhh!
Ni Knight: He said the word again!
Arthur: What is?
Ni Knight: No, not is. You wouldn't get very far in life not saying is.
Arthur: Oh, stop it!
Ni Knights: Ahhhhh!
Ni Knight: Stop saying the word!
Robin: Is it stop?
Ni Knights: Ahhhh!
Ni Knight: Oh, you said it again! Oh, I just said it!
Oh I said it again! Oh, that's three times I've said it!
Arthur: O Knights of Ni, we have brought you a shrubbery!
Ni Knights: Ohhhh!
Arthur: May we pass now?
Ni Knight: That is a good shrubbery. Oh... I like the cat smell.
But there is one small problem.
Arthur: And what is that?
Ni Knight: We are now no longer The Knights Who Say Ni.
Ni Knights: Ni!
Ni Knight: We are now The Knights Who Say
Ecky-ecky-ecky-ecky-f'tang-boing-olé-biscuit-barrel...
...
Therefore, we must give you a new test.
Arthur: What is this test, O Knights Who Say Ecky-ecky-ecky-ecky-ecky-
f'tang-boing-olé-biscuit-roll...
Or Knights Who Until Recently Said Ni?
Ni Knight: The new test is you must put on a musical!
Robin: Oh yes!
Ni Knight: But not an Andrew Lloyd Webber.
All: AHHH! NOOOO!
Ni Knight: And to top it:
you must take this musical to Broadway!
C'mon lets go book seats on the web!
Arthur: You know this Broadway?
Robin: Yes, Sire, and we don't stand a chance there.
Arthur: Why not?
Robin: Because Broadway...
...is a very special place, filled with very special people.
People who can sing and dance, often at the same time.
They are a different people, a multi-talented people, a people
who need people and who are in many ways
the luckiest people in the world.
I'm sorry, Sire, but we don't have a chance.
Arthur: But why not?
Robin: Well, let me put it like this:
IN ANY GREAT ADVENTURE
IF YOU DON'T WANT TO LOSE
VICTORY DEPENDS UPON
THE PEOPLE THAT YOU CHOOSE!
SO LISTEN, ARTHUR, DARLING
CLOSELY TO THIS NEWS
WE WON'T SUCCEED ON BROADWAY.
IF WE DON'T HAVE ANY JEWS!
YOU MAY HAVE THE FINEST SETS
FILL THE STAGE WITH PENTHOUSE PETS
YOU MAY HAVE THE LOVELIEST COSTUMES AND BEST SHOES
YOU MAY DANCE AND YOU MAY SING
BUT I'M SORRY, ARTHUR KING,
YOU'LL HEAR NO CHEERS JUST LOTS AND LOTS OF BOOS!
Minstrels: Boo!
Robin: YOU MAY HAVE BUTCH MEN BY THE SCORE
WHOM THE AUDIENCE ADORE
YOU MAY EVEN HAVE SOME ANIMALS FROM ZOOS!
THOUGH YOU'VE POLES AND KRAUTS INSTEAD
YOU MAY HAVE UNLEAVENED BREAD
BUT I TELL YOU YOU ARE DEAD
IF YOU DON'T HAVE ANY JEWS!
THEY WON'T CARE IF IT'S WITTY
OR EVERYTHING LOOKS PRETTY
THEY'LL SIMPLY SAY IT'S SHITTY, AND REFUSE.
NOBODY WILL GO, SIR
IF IT'S NOT KOSHER, THEN NO SHOW, SIR
EVEN GOYIM WON'T BE DIM ENOUGH TO CHOOSE!
PUT ON SHOWS THAT MAKE MEN STARE
WITH LOTS OF GIRLS IN UNDERWEAR
YOU MAY EVEN HAVE THE FINEST OF REVIEWS
Man: You're doing great!
BUT THE AUDIENCE WON'T CARE, SIR
AS LONG AS YOU DON'T DARE, SIR
TO OPEN UP ON BROADWAY
Arthur and Patsy: IF WE DON'T HAVE ANY JEWS!
Robin: YOU MAY HAVE DRAMATIC LIGHTING
AND LOTS OF HORRID FIGHTING
YOU MAY EVEN HAVE SOME WHITE MEN SING THE BLUES.
YOUR KNIGHTS MAY BE NICE BOYS
BUT SADLY WE'RE ALL GOYS
AND THE NOISE THAT YOU CALL SINGING YOU MUST LOSE.
SO DESPITE YOUR PRETTY LIGHTS
NAUGHTY GIRLS IN NASTY TIGHTS
AND THE MOST IMPRESSIVE SCENERY YOU USE
YOU MAY HAVE DANCING MANO E MANO
YOU MAY BRING ON A PIANO
BUT THEY WILL NOT GIVE A DAMN-O
IF YOU DON'T HAVE ANY JEWS!
All: HAY!
Robin: YOU MAY FILL YOUR PLAYS WITH GAYS
HAVE NIGERIAN GIRLS IN STAYS
Women: YOU MAY EVEN HAVE SOME SHIKSAS MAKING STEWS.
Men: YOU HAVEN'T GOT A CLUE IF YOU DON'T HAVE A JEW.
ALL OF YOUR INVESTMENTS YOU ARE GOING TO LOSE
Robin: THERE'S A VERY SMALL PERCENTILE
WHO ENJOYS A DANCING GENTILE
I'M SAD TO BE THE ONE WITH THIS BAD NEWS!
All: BUT NEVER MIND YOUR SWORDPLAY
YOU JUST WON'T SUCCEED ON BROADWAY
YOU JUST DON'T SUCCEED ON BROADWAY
IF YOU DON'T HAVE ANY JEWS!
Robin: Papa, can you hear me?!
TO GET ALONG ON BROADWAY
TO SING YOUR SONG ON BROADWAY
TO HIT THE TOP ON BROADWAY AND NOT LOSE
I TELL YOU, ARTHUR KING, THERE IS ONE ESSENTIAL THING
THERE SIMPLY MUST BE, SIMPLY MUST BE JEWS.
THERE SIMPLY MUST BE, ARTHUR, TRUST ME
SIMPLY MUST BE JEWS!
Arthur: Well...
I suppose we'd better go and find some Jews then.
Lance: Here we go, Concorde. And side saddle.
And backwards. And big jump, and over we go!
Well taken, Concorde!
Concorde: Thank you, sir!
Concorde: Message for you, sir.
Lance: Concorde!
Concorde, speak to me!
""To whoever finds this note, I have been imprisoned by my father,
who wishes me to marry against my will.
Please, please, please come and rescue me. I am in the
tall tower of Swamp Castle." At last! At last! At last! A...
Concorde: Cry of distress?
Lance: Cry of distress!
This could be the sign that leads us to the
Concorde: Holy Grail!
Lance: Holy Grail!
Brother, brave Sir Concorde!
You shall not have died in vain...
Concorde: I'm not quite dead, sir.
Lance: Oh, I see but you are mortily wounded, okay?
Concorde: I think I'll come through, sir!
Actually, I think I'm all right to come with you...
Lance: No, no, no sweet Concorde!
Deeds like this must be accomplished...
Concorde: Single handedly?
Lance: Yes I knew that one. Single handedly.
Stay here, take your lunch! I shall return as soon as I have
accomplished a heroic and daring rescue in my own particular...
Concorde: Idiom, sir?
Lance: Idiom!
Lance: Really... really good!
Concorde: Thank you.
Lance: And so...
Concorde: Farewell!
Lance: Farewell! Farewell sweet Concorde!
Lady: WHATEVER HAPPENED TO MY PART?
IT WAS EXCITING AT THE START...
NOW WE'RE HALF-WAY THROUGH ACT TWO
AND I'VE HAD NOTHING YET TO DO
I'VE BEEN OFF STAGE FOR FAR TOO LONG
IT'S AGES SINCE I HAD A SONG
THIS IS ONE UNHAPPY DIVA
THE PRODUCER'S A DECEIVER
THERE IS NOTHING I CAN SING FROM MY HEART.
WHATEVER HAPPENED TO MY PART?
I AM SICK OF MY CAREER
ALWAYS STUCK IN SECOND GEAR
UP TO HERE WITH FRUSTRATION AND FEARS
I'VE NO GRAMMY, NO REWARDS
I'VE NO TONY AWARDS
I'M CONSTANTLY REPLACED BY BRITNEY SPEARS, BRITNEY SPEARS
WHATEVER HAPPENED TO MY SHOW?
I WAS A HIT, NOW I DON'T KNOW...
I'M WITH A BUNCH OF BRITISH KNIGHTS
PRANCING AROUND IN WOOLY TIGHTS
I MIGHT AS WELL GO TO THE PUB
THEY'VE BEEN OUT SEARCHING FOR A SHRUB
OUT SHOPPING FOR A BUSH
WELL THEY CAN KISS MY TUSH
IT SEEMS TO ME THEY'VE REALLY LOST THE PLOT...
WHATEVER HAPPENED TO MY-
I'LL CALL MY AGENT, DAMNIT
WHATEVER HAPPENED TO MY-
NOT YOURS, NOT YOURS BUT MY PART?!
Herbert: WHERE ARE YOU? WHERE ARE YOU?
WHERE ARE YOU, MY HEART'S DESIRE?
MY HEART IS TRUE BUT WHERE ARE YOU?
ONLY YOU CAN QUENCH THE FIRE!
WHERE ARE YOU? WHERE ARE YOU?
father: Stop it! Stop it stop it stop it!!
Stop. All. That. Singing!
Stop it!
One day, lad, all this will be yours!
Herbert: What, the curtains?
Father: No, not the curtains! All that you can see! Stretched out
over the hills and valleys of this land! This will be your kingdom, lad!
Herbert: But, Mother...
Father: Father, lad, Father!
Herbert: Father, I don't want any of that. I'd rather...
Father: Rather what?!
Herbert: I'd rather... just... sing!
WHERE ARE YOU?
WHERE ARE YOU?
Father: Stop it! Stop it! You're not going to do a song while I'm here.
Now listen, in twenty minutes you're getting married to a girl
whose father owns the biggest tracts of open land in Britain.
Herbert: But I don't want land.
Father: Listen, Alice...
Herbert: Herbert.
Father: Herbert. We live in a bloody swamp.
We have to sell mud for a living.
We need all the land we can get!
Herbert: But I don't like her.
Father: Don't like her?! What's wrong with her? She's beautiful,
she's rich, she's got huge... tracts of land.
Herbert: I know, but I want the person I marry to have...
a certain... special... something...
AND ANOTHER HUNDRED PEOPLE JUST CONTRACTED THE PLAGUE
OR FELL INTO THE SWAMP...
Father: Cut that out! Look, you're marrying Princess...
You're marrying Princess Lucky,
so you'd better get used to the idea. Guards!
Make sure the Prince doesn't leave this room until I come and get him.
Guard #1: Not to leave the room
even if you come and get him.
Father: No, no. Until I come and get him!
Guard #1: Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room.
Father: No, no, no...You just stay here and make sure he doesn't leave!
Guard #1: ...and you'll come and get him.
Father: Right.
Guard #1: We don't need to do anything, apart from just stop him
entering the room.
Father: No, no! Leaving the room!
Guard #1: Leaving the room.... yes.
Father: Got it?
Guard #1: Oh, if...
Father: Yes, what is it?
Guard #1: Oh, if...
Father: No, it's quite simple! You just keep him in here
and make sure he doesn't leave the room! Alright?
Right!
Guard #1: Oh, uhm, can he leave the room with us?
Father: NO!
No... you just keep him in here! And make sure...
Guard #1: Oh, yes! We'll keep him here, obviously.
But if he had to leave and we were with him...
Father: No, no, no! Just keep him in here!
Guard #1: Until you, or anyone else...
Father: No. Not anyone else, just me!
Guard #1: Just you.
Father: Get back!
Guard #1: Get back!
Father: Right?!
Guard #1: Right. We'll stay here until you get back.
Father: Make sure he doesn't leave.
Guard #1: What?
Father: Make sure he doesn't leave.
Guard #1: The Prince?
Father: Yes, make sure he doesn't leave!
Guard #1: Oh, yes, of course! I thought you meant him...
you know, it seemed a bit daft, me having to guard
him when he's a guard!
Father: Is that clear?
guard #1: Oh, quite clear. No problems!
Father: Right.
Where are you going?!
Guard #1: We're coming with you.
Father: No, no, I want you to stay in here and make sure
that he doesn't leave the room!
Guard #1: Oh, I see, right.
Herbert: But, father...
Father: Just shut your noise, you! And get that suit on!
And no singing! Stop it!
Lance: Ha!
Guard #1: Ah. Now you're not to leave the... room...
Lance: Ha!
Guard #2: Hic!
Lance: Oh fair ..., behold your humble servant,
Sir Lancelot, I have come to take you...
Oh... I'm terribly sorry!
Herbert: You got my note?!
Lance: Well... I got a note.
Herbert: You've come to rescue me?
Lance: No, no, no, I hadn't realized...
Herbert: I knew someone would come. I knew that somewhere out there...
there must be!
HERE ARE YOU, HERE ARE YOU,
HERE ARE YOU, SIR LANCELOT!
Father: Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop!
Who are you?
Herbert: I'm your son.
Father: Not you!
Lance: Uhm, I'm Sir Lancelot, sir.
Herbert: He's come to rescue me, father.
Lance: Well, now let's not jump to conclusions...
Say, say, these are nice curtains...
Herbert: Aren't they?
Lance: They're wonderful! Wherever did you find them?
Herbert: Well, there's a little chap with a stock of adorable fabrics...
Father: Excuse me! Did you kill those guards?
Lance: Uhm, oh, yes... Sorry.
Father: They cost nine pence each!
Lance: Well, sir, I'm awfully sorry! But I can explain!
Herbert: Don't be afraid of him, Sir Lancelot. I've got a rope here all ready!
Father: You killed eight wedding guests!
Lance: Er, you see, the thing is: I thought your son here was a lady...
Father: I can understand that!
Herbert: Hurry, brave Sir Lancelot.
Father: You killed the bride's father!
Lance: Oh, no. Oh, dear. I didn't really mean to...
Father: Didn't mean to? You put a sword right through his head.
Lance: Gosh, is he all right?
Father: You kicked the bride in the chest!
Lance: Oh, well, now she was asking for it, sir.
Father: This is going to cost me a fortune!
Herbert: I am ready, let us decent please!
Father: Would you, uh, like to come and have a drink?
Lance: I say, was the entirely necessary?
I do believe you just killed that poor little fellow.
Father: Oh, let's not bicker and argue about who killed who.
After all, I am a recently bereaved father, who has just
lost his son, my boy Herbert, who has just fallen to his death.
Herbert: I'm not quite dead.
Father: Herbert!
Herbert: I'm feeling much better.
Father: You fell from the Tall Tower, you creep!
Herbert: No, I was saved at the last minute.
Father: How?!
Herbert: Well, I'll tell you...
Father: No no no no no. Not like that! Stop it!
Herbert: I'M GOING TO TELL
Concorde & Guards: HE'S GOING TO TELL
Herbert: I'M GOING TO TELL
Father: I'll make you stop it!
Lance: Leave him alone!
This poor little chap is your son, sir. All he ever wanted was a little love
and affection, but did you ever give it to him? No, no.
I'll wager you denied him. You try to kill him, and worse, worse than that,
you try to marry him off to some girl,
some, some female that he obviously has no feelings for whatsoever.
Yes, I know a little bit about bullying fathers, you bastard.
Have you no heart?
Have you no tenderness? Can't you see that
all he's asking for is a little love and understanding?
Is that too much to ask?
Is it...
too much...
to ask?!
Father: My God, you're gay!
Herbert: LANCELOT, YOU MIGHT AS WELL JUST FESS UP
REALLY, YOU'RE A DIFF'RENT KIND OF GUY!
MOVE ASIDE YOUR SCABBARD
FOR UNDERNEATH YOUR TABARD
THERE IS WAITING TO ESCAPE A BUTTERFLY!
Men: HIS... NAME... IS LANCELOT! AND IN TIGHT PANTS A LOT!
HE LIKES TO DANCE A LOT! YOU KNOW YOU DO!
Lance: I DO?
Men: SO JUST SAY, "THANKS, A LOT!" AND TRY ROMANCE,
IT'S HOT! LET'S FIND OUT WHO'S REALLY YOU!
HIS NAME IS LANCELOT. HE VISITS FRANCE A LOT.
HE LIKES TO DANCE A LOT AND DREAM!
NO ONE WOULD EVER KNOW THAT THIS OUTRAGEOUS PRO
BATS FOR THE OTHER TEAM!
Herbert: YOU'RE A KNIGHT WHO REALLY LIKES HIS NIGHT LIFE
AND BY DAY YOU REALLY LIKE TO PLAY!
YOU CAN ALL FIND HIM PUMPING AT THE GYM
AT THE CAMELOT Y.M.C.A.!
Men: HIS NAME IS LANCELOT. JUST WATCH HIM DANCE-A-LOT.
HE DOESN'T CARE WHAT PEOPLE SAY!
FOR WHEN HE STARTS TO DANCE
JUST GRAB YOUR UNDERPANTS!
Herbert: HE CAN FINALLY COME OUT AND SAY THAT HE IS G.A.Y.
Men: M.C.A!
HE'S GAY!
Lance: OKAY!
Arthur: Now, how many Jews have we got so far?
Patsy: Well, lets see... none, sir.
Arthur: Oh this is hopeless. This is so depressing.
I don't know a single Jewish person.
And how on earth are we going to get on Broadway? This's a
thousand years in the future in a country that hasn't yet
been discovered.
So let me get this straight. I'm a King, without a single knight to command.
There's nobody. I'm absolutely alone.
I'M ALL ALONE, ALL BY MYSELF
THERE IS NO ONE HERE BESIDE ME
I'M ALL ALONE, QUITE ALL ALONE
NO ONE TO COMFORT ME OR GUIDE ME
WHY IS THERE NO ONE HERE WITH ME ON THE LONG AND
WINDING ROAD? TO LIFT MY HEAVY LOAD?
IF THERE WAS SOMEONE HERE WITH ME
HOW HAPPY I WOULD BE
BUT I'M ALONE SO ALL ALONE
ALL BY MYSELF I'M ALL ALONE
Arthur: I'M ALL ALONE
Patsy: HE'S ALL ALONE
Arthur: ALL BY MYSELF
Patsy: EXCEPT FOR ME
Arthur: I CANNOT FACE TOMORROW
Patsy: HE CANNOT FACE IT!
Arthur: I'M ALL ALONE
Patsy: THOUGH I AM HERE...
Arthur: QUITE ALL ALONE
Patsy: SO VERY NEAR
Arthur: NO ONE TO SHARE MY SORROW.
Patsy: YOU KNOW IT SEEMS QUITE CLEAR TO ME
BECAUSE I'M WORKING CLASS
I AM JUST THE HORSE'S ASS
HE SELLS ME DOWN THE RIVER
SO WHAT AM I? CHOPPED LIVER?
Arthur: BUT I'M ALONE
Patsy: OH, NO, YOU'RE NOT!
Arthur: SO ALL ALONE
Patsy: I'M HERE YOU TWAT!
Arthur: ALL BY MYSELF I'M ALL ALONE
Patsy & Knights: HE'S ALL ALONE!
Arthur: I'M ALL ALONE
Patsy & Knights: ALL BY HIMSELF
Arthur: ALL BY MYSELF
Patsy & Knights: THERE IS NO ONE HERE BESIDE HIM. HE'S ALL ALONE.
Arthur: SO ALL ALONE
Patsy & Knights: APART FROM US
NO ONE TO COMFORT HIM OR GUIDE HIM
Arthur: EACH ONE OF US IS ALL ALONE
SO WHAT ARE WE TO DO IN ORDER TO GET THROUGH?
WE MUST BE LONELY SIDE BY SIDE
IT'S A PERFECT WAY TO HIDE
Knights: WE'RE ALL ALONE
Arthur: WE'RE ALL ALONE
Knights: YES, ALL ALONE
Arthur: SO ALL ALONE
ALL BY OURSELVES
WE'RE ALL... ALONE.
Lady: But you're not alone Arthur. Haven't you noticed?
I've been with you all the time.
Who gave you the sword, who made you King,
who welcomed you to Camelot, who helped you off on your quest?
Sure, I've been off stage for far too long,
but I am here to help you and I always have been.
Arthur: You see, Patsy? I'm not alone!
Patsy: No, sir.
Arthur: The Lady of the Lake has been with me all the time.
Lady: And so has Patsy!
Arthur: Well, yes, but... Patsy's family.
Lady: You see, Arthur dear, we're all here to help each other.
Arthur: Can you help me get to Broadway?
Lady: Yes! You are on Broadway!
Arthur: Oh, my!
Lady: You've been on Broadway all the time!
Arthur: Hi. Hello.
Are there any Jews here?
Patsy: Uhm, the truth is, I'm Jewish, sir.
Arthur: You are?
Patsy: Yes, Sir, on my mother's side.
Arthur: Well, why didn't you say so?
Patsy: Well, it's not the sort of thing you say
to a heavily armed Christian.
Arthur: So now what?
Lady: Well, you have to finish the show. It is Broadway, so you have
to find the Grail and end with a wedding.
Arthur: Well, who could I possibly marry?
Lady: Well, lets see... It would have to be someone who loved you
Arthur: Yes.
Lady: and who cared for you enough to give you a sword,
Arthur: Uh uh.
Lady: to make you King,
Arthur: Yup.
Lady: to welcome you to Camelot,
Arthur: Yes.
Lady: to help you off on your quest...
Arthur: You!
Lady: Oh, that's an idea.
Arthur: But, but I thought you were a fairy?
Lady: Oh, no, that's Lancelot...
Oh, you missed that scene!
Anyways, Arthur, I'm as human as you are.
Arthur: And you would consent to be my bride?
Lady: Are you asking?
Arthur: Are you saying yes?
Lady: Oh Arthur!
Both: TWICE IN EVERY SHOW
THERE COMES A SONG LIKE THIS
IT STARTS OFF SOFT AND LOW
AND ENDS UP WITH A KISS
OH THIS IS THE SCENE THAT ENDS LIKE THIS!
Lady: Find the Grail, Arthur, and when you do, I will be there,
waiting for you. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye!
Tim: Greetings!
Arthur: What manner of man are you that hovers in the air
without string or visible supporting device?
Tim: I am an enchanter.
Arthur: By what name are you known?
Tim: There are some who call me... Tim.
Arthur: Wow. Tim. What a really scary name.
Arthur: Greetings, Oh Tim!
Tim: Greetings, King Arthur!
Arthur: Oh you know my name.
Tim: I do! You seek the Holy Grail on Broadway.
Arthur: You know much that is hidden, Oh Tim.
Tim: Quite!
Below lies the cave of Caerbannog,
wherein carved upon the very living rock,
there be a clue which shall lead you directly to your goal.
But... think well before you step into this cave,
for the entrance way is guarded by a beast so foul,
so, so cruel, no man yet has fought this evil beast and lived.
so be you warned brave knights,
for death awaits you all with nasty great big pointy
nasty big teeth!
Arthur: What an eccentric performance!
Come on!
Tim: Too late! There it is!
Arthur: Where?
Tim: There!
Arthur: What, behind the rabbit?
Tim: It is the rabbit!
Arthur: Hear, you silly sod! You got us all worked up!
Tim: Look this is no ordinary rabbit!
This is the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent
you ever set eyes on.
Robin: What's he do, nibble your bum?
Tim: You all, this rabbit has got a vicious streak a mile wide. It's a killer!
Robin: You tit! I soiled my armor I was so scared!
Arthur: Go and change!
Patsy: Get stuffed, you Scottish pansy!
Tim: It'll do you up a treat, mate!
Patsy: Oh, yeah?
Bedevere: You manky Scots git!
Tim: I am warning you...
Arthur: Bors! Go on, Bors. Chop his head off!
Bors: Right! Silly little bleeder. One rabbit stew coming right up!
Arthur: Jesus Christ!
Tim: I warned you! He's not so tall now, is he?
Oh, but, you knew it all, didn't you?
Oh, it's just a harmless little bunny, ha, ha, ha.
Well, it's always the same folks,
I always tell them but do they listen?
Never, ever!
Arthur: We'd better not risk another frontal assault,
that Rabbit is dynamite.
Bedevere: Well, we have the Holy Hand Grenade.
Arthur: Of course! The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch!
'Tis one of the sacred relics that Brother Maynard carries with him!
Brother Maynard! Bring on the Holy Hand Grenade!
How does it work brother?
Maynard: The Book of Armaments, Chapter 1, Verses 9 through 27.
"And Saint Attila raised the holy hand grenade on high, saying,
'Oh, Lord, bless this thy hand grenade that with
it thou mayest blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.'
And the Lord did grin, and the people did feast upon the lambs,
and stoats, and carp, and anchovies, and orangutans,
and breakfast cereals, and fruit bars, and large...
Arthur: Yo, skip a bit, brother.
Maynard: "And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out
the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three, no more, no less.
Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the
counting shalt be three. Four shalt thou not count,
nor neither count thou two, excepting that thou
then proceed to three. Five is right out.
Once the number three, being the third number,
be reached, then lobbest thou the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch
towards thy foe,
who being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it." Amen.
All: Amen.
Maynard: And now the Congregation shall rise and sing Hymn 101:
"Get Your Hand Off My Knee, You Dirty Old Bastard."
Knights: GET YOUR HAND OFF MY KNEE, YOU DIRTY OLD BASTARD!
Arthur: There's no time for that. Right! One... two... five!
Bedevere: Three, sir!
Arthur: Three!
Bedevere: Behold, Sire, the clue. Aioi!
Arthur: Aioi? That's a bit cryptic isn't it?
Bedevere: Sire, perhaps it's Hebrew... ay- oy!
Lance: Maybe it's aioli?
Arthur: What's that?
Lance: Aioli is a delicious garlic mayonnaise.
Bedevere: Maybe he was passing out...
Arthur: Well, he'd hardly bother to carve that in the rock.
Dennis: Could it be an eye for an eye?
Arthur: Oh, that's good.
Bedevere: Sire, I wonder if it could be a number.
Arthur: Well, it could be, but how would that help?
Bedevere: Well, we would need to find something numbered A101.
Arthur: A101...
Arthur: A101...
Dennis: It's probably right under our feet!
Arthur: O Lord we are a bit stumped with the clue thing
and we beseech thee to give us a hand.
Of course. It is in the audience. Row A, Seat 101!
Patsy: It's you! Stand up, peasant.
Oh, Sire, look! We have found the Holy Grail!
Bedevere: How very clever.
It was through the Fourth Wall.
Arthur: Of course the Grail will always be found in the hearts
of those who gather together and believe in it.
Robin; Oh, Sire, shall we reward this humble peasant who has been
fortunate enough to be sitting on the Grail?
Arthur: Absolutely, bring forth the peasant!
Arthur: How are you doing, peasant?
What's your name?
Steve: Steve Herrenburgh.
Arthur: Steve Herrenburgh.
Steve Herrenburgh, your name will be revered in New York forever!
Along with the names of Mad Giuliani and Jerry Butterfield!
You have been nominated for an
Arthur, for Best Peasant in New York!
Patsy, the envelope please.
Patsy: And the Arthur goes to...Very exciting for you...
Steve Herrenburgh!
Arthur: People of New York, let us give thanks to Steve Herrenburgh,
the Peasant who has helped us find the Holy Grail here in New York City!
All: THE HOLY GRAIL'S BEEN FOUND
THIS PEASANT IS RENOWNED THANKS TO STEVE HERRENBURGH
THE HOLY GRAIL'S BEEN FOUND.
FINALLY FOUND!
Arthur: Steve Herrenburgh!
And now we can finish with a wedding.
Arthur: Wow, Lady, you look amazing... But wait,
I can't just call you Lady. Do you have a name?
Lady: Everybody has a name, Arthur.
Arthur: Well, what's yours?
Lady: My name is Guinevere.
Arthur: Guinevere, will you marry me?
Lady: Hm... Let me think...
Alright.
Women: WE ARE NOT YET WED AND WE'RE NEARLY AT THE END
IT IS TIME THAT WE WENT AND FOUND A FRIEND.
IS THERE SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP US IN OUR QUEST?
WE'RE ALREADY DRESSED ALTHOUGH WE'RE NOT YET WED.
Men: WE ARE NOT YET DEAD THAT'S THE BEST THING TO BE SAID
OH! WE ARE NOT YET DEAD SO WE MIGHT AS WELL GET WED!
COULD IT BE MUCH WORSE? IS MARRIAGE SUCH A CURSE?
All: WE MIGHT AS WELL GET MARRIED 'COS WE ARE NOT YET WED!
Herbert: So you see it's all a show. Happy ending and all,
and that just makes me want... to sing...
WHEN YOU'RE LOST ON LIFE'S TRAIL
AND YOU FEEL DOOMED TO FAIL
DO NOT FAIL FIND YOUR MALE!
FIND YOUR MALE, THAT'S YOUR GRAIL!
Lance: Just think Herbert in a thousand years time
this will still be controversial.
Robin: And I too have found my Grail!
All: What's that?
Robin: Musical theatre!
YOU CAN SING YOU CAN DANCE
AND YOU WON'T SOIL YOUR PANTS!
IN YOUR WHITE TIE AND TAILS
FIND YOUR GRAIL, FIND YOUR GRAIL!
Ensemble: HALLELUJAH!
A PERFECT WEDDING!
Arthur and Lady: SO BE STRONG
Ensemble: HERE COMES THE BRIDE!
Both: KEEP RIGHT ON
Ensemble: HERE COMES THE GROOM!
Both: TO THE END OF YOUR SONG
Ensemble: HALLELUJAH!
Lady: FIND YOUR GRAIL, FIND YOUR MALE
Arthur: DRESSED IN MAIL, FIND YOUR GRAIL
Ensemble: SING HALLELUJAH! THEY FOUND THEIR GRAIL!
Arthur: LIFE IS REALLY UP TO YOU. YOU MUST CHOOSE WHAT TO PURSUE
Ensemble: A BROADWAY WEDDING!
Lady: SET YOUR MIND ON WHAT TO FIND
Both: AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN'T DO.
All: GO AND FIND YOUR GRAIL
Father: Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!
No more bloody singing!!
All: FOR THIS IS THE SHOW THAT ENDS LIKE THIS!
All: ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE...
ALWAYS LOOK ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF LIFE...
IF LIFE SEEMS JOLLY ROTTEN THERE'S SOMETHING YOU'VE FORGOTTEN
AND THAT'S TO LAUGH AND SMILE AND DANCE AND SING
WHEN YOU'RE FEELING IN THE DUMPS DON'T BE SILLY CHUMPS
JUST PURSE YOUR LIPS AND WHISTLE THAT'S THE THING
AND ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE
ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT...
SIDE OF LIFE! SIDE OF LIFE! SIDE OF LIFE!
A Kingdom divided.
To the West, the Anglo-Saxons,
to the East the French.
Above, nothing but Celts and some people from Scotland.
In Gwynned, Powys, and Dyfed - Plague.
In the kingdoms of Wessex, Sussex, and Essex and Kent - Plague.
In Mercia and the two Anglias - Plague
with a 50% chance of pestilence and famine
coming out of the Northeast at twelve miles per hour.
Legend tells us of an extraordinary leader, who arose from
the chaos, to unite a troubled kingdom....
....A man with a vision who gathered Knights together in a Holy Quest.
This man was Arthur, King of the Britons. For this was England!
Ensemble: Finland, Finland, Finland!
That's the country for me!
Mayor: Finland is the country where we dance!
Finland is the country where we play!
Here in Finland boy and girl can find a true romance
in traditional scandinavian way!
Schlip, Schlap
Schlip and Schlap away
Schlip, Schlap
Schlap away all day!
Schlip, Schlap
you simply can't go wrong
in traditional fish schlapping song!
Schlip, Schlap
Schlip and Schlap away
Schlip, Schlap
Schlap away all day
Schlip, Schlap
you simply can't go wrong
in traditional fish schlapping song!
Finland, Finland, Finland!
The country where I quite want to be!
Pony trekking!
Or camping!
Or just watching TV!
Finland, Finland, Finland!
That's the country for me!
Historian: ... I said England!
Monks: Sacrosanctus domine
Pecavi ignoviunt
Iuesus Christus domine
Pax vobiscum venerunt
King Arthur: Steady. And... over we go.
Well taken, Patsy.
And canter...
And trot...
And whoa!
Well done.
Hello?
Robin: Hello?!
Who goes there?
King Arthur: I am Arthur, King of the Britons.
Lord and ruler of all.
Of England and Scotland
and even tiny little bits of Gaul.
Robin: And I'm the Emperor of Norway. Bugger off!
Patsy: He is Arthur, King of the Britons.
And we are out seeking man.
Very strong man
and very able
King Arthur: ...to sit at our very, very, very round table!
Robin: What is it you want?
King Arthur: I'm looking for men!
Robin: I had a feeling...
King Arthur: We have ridden the length and breadth
of the land in search of knights
to join me in my court at Camelot.
I must speak to your lord and master.
Robin: What, ridden on a horse?
King Arthur: Yes!
Robin: You're using coconuts!
King Arthur: What?
Robin: You've got two empty halves of coconut
and you're banging them together.
King Arthur: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter
covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercia, through...
Robin: Where'd you get the coconuts?
King Arthur: We found them.
Robin: Found them? In Mercia? The coconut's tropical!
King Arthur: What do you mean?
Roin: Well, this is a temperate zone...
King Arthur: The swallow may fly south with the sun or the House
Martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter
yet these are not strangers to our land.
Robin: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
King Arthur: Not at all, they could be carried.
Robin: What? A swallow carrying a coconut?
King Arthur: It could grip it by the husk.
Robin: It's not a question of where he grips it!
It's a simple question of weight ratios!
A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut.
King Arthur: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you tell your master that
Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here?
Robin: Listen, in order to maintain air-speed velocity,
a swallow needs to beat its wings 43 times every second, right?
King Arthur: Please.
Robin: Am I right?
King Arthur: I'm not interested!
Lance: It could be carried by an African swallow!
Robin: Oh yeah, an African swallow, maybe,
but not a European swallow, that's my point.
Lance: Oh yeah, I agree with that... Beautiful bird,
the African swallow. Lovely plumage.
Robin: The plumage don't enter into it. And besides,
African swallows are non-migratory.
Lance: Oh yes...
Robin: So they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway...
Arthur: Will you ask your master if he wants
to join my court at Camelot?
Lance: Wait a minute, supposing two swallows carried it together?
Robin: No, they'd have to have it on a line.
Lance: Well, simple! They'd just use a strand of creeper!
Robin: What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers?
Lance: Hey! Who was that then?
Robin: That's a king.
Lance: How can you tell?
Robin: He hasn't got shit all over him.
Monks: Sacrosanctus domine
Robin: Bring out your Dead!
Monks: Pecavi ignoviunt
Robin: Bring out your Dead!
Monks: Iuesus Christus domine
Robin: Bring out your Dead!
Monks: Pax vobiscum venerunt
Lance: Here's one.
Robin: Nine pence.
Not Dead Fred: I'm not dead!
Robin: What?
Lance: Nothing. Here's your nine pence.
Not Dead Fred: I'm not dead!
Robin: Here, he says he's not dead!
Lance: Yes, he is!
Not Dead Fred: I'm not!
Robin: He isn't...
Lance: Well, he will be soon, he's very ill.
Not Dead Fred: I'm getting better!
Lance: You'll be stone dead in a moment.
Robin: I can't take him like that. It's against regulations.
Not Dead Fred: I don't want to go on the cart!
Lance: Don't be such a baby.
Robin: I can't take him.
Not Dead Fred: I feel fine!
Lance: Well, do us a favor...
Robin: I can't.
Lance: Well, can you hang around for a couple of minutes?
He won't be long.
Robin: Alright. Kevin!
Lance: Thanks, mate.
Robin: But make it quick! I got to get to Camelot by six.
Lance: You're going to Camelot?
Robin: Yes.
Lance: What, you got a gig?
Robin: No. I'm going to enlist.
Lance: What, as a Knight?
Robin: Maybe...
Lance: Well, I'll come with ya!
Not Dead Fred: I'm not dead yet!
Lance: Shut up. I fancy some of that fighting.
Robin: Oh, there's fighting is there?
Lance: Quite, a lot of fighting, mate. That's what the job's about.
Robin: Oh, I see. It's not just dressing up. And dancing.
Lance: No, no. It's mostly fighting.
Robin: Oh, good.
Lance: Although, I mean, some of the Scottish regiments might have
a bit of dancing.
Not Dead Fred: I'd like to dance.
Lance: Look, you're not fooling anyone you know.
Not Dead Fred: I feel happy! I feel happy!!!
I am not dead yet!
I can dance and I can sing!
I am not dead yet!
I can do the Highland thing!
I am not dead yet! No need to go to bed!
No need to call the doctor cause I'm not yet dead!
Bodies: He is not yet dead! That's what the geezer said.
He is not yet dead! That man is off his head.
He is not yet dead! Put him back in bed.
Keep him off the cart because he's not yet dead!
Well, now he's dead! You whacked him on the head.
Sure, now he's dead. It makes me just see red.
You are such a brute to murder that old coot!
You homicidal bastard, now he's really dead!
Who is the knave? Who is he?
And who needs to manage is anger?
Lance: My name is Lancalot. I'm big and strong and hot.
Occasionally I do some things that I should not.
Robin: I want to be a Knight but I don't like to fight.
I'm rather scared I may simply run away!
Lance: I'll be right with you, Robin, through and through and through.
So stick with me and I'll show you what to do!
Both: We'll remain good chums...
Lance: You can teach me how to dance!
Both: We're going to entlist!
Robin: I'm Robin!
Lance: And I'm Lance!
All: Oh, we're off to war because we're not yet dead.
We will all entlist as the Knights that Arthur led!
Not Dead Fred: I am coming too! My name will be Sir Fred.
I'll be your musician cause I'm not yet dead!
Lance: To kill, I will. It gives me such a thrill.
Robin: To sing and dance and keep an eye on Lance.
All: We're going off to war!
We'll have girlfriends by the score!
Not Dead Fred: We'll be shot by Michael Moore!
Bodies: Cause we're not yet...
Bodies: ... dead!
All: Not yet dead!
Lance: I don't know but it's been said.
Bodies: I don't know but it's been said.
Lance: We're off to war, we're not yet dead!
Bodies: We're off to war, we're not yet dead!
Lance: Become a Knight and you'll go far!
Bodies: Become a Knight and you'll go far!
Lance: In suspenders and a bra!
Bodies: In suspenders and a bra???
Arthur: And c'mon! Old woman!
Dennis: Man!
Arthur: Man, sorry. What Knight lives in that castle over there?
Dennis: I'm twenty seven.
Arthur: What?
Dennis: I'm not old!
Arthur: Well I can't just call you 'Man'.
Dennis: Well, you could say 'Dennis'.
Arthur: Well, I didn't know you were called 'Dennis'.
Dennis: Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?
Arthur: Look I'm sorry about the 'old woman' thing,
but really from behind you do look like...
Dennis: What I object to is you
automatically treat me like an inferior!
Arthur: Well, I am king...
Dennis: Oh, king, eh, very nice. And how'd you get that, eh?
By exploiting the workers.
By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which
perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society!
If there's ever going to be any progress...
Mother: Dennis, there's a lot of good mud over there.
Oh how d'you do?
Arthur: How do you do, good lady.
Mother: Oh. How d'you. I'm Mrs. Galahad,
widowed mother of Dennis, married to Nobby the Cretin,
dropped dead last Tuesday, which does leave me sadly available.
Arthur: I am Arthur, King of the Britons.
Mother: King of the who?
Arthur: The Britons.
Mother: Who are the Britons?
Arthur: Well, we all are. We are all Britons
and I am your king.
Mother: I didn't know we had a king.
I thought we were an autonomous collective.
Dennis: You're fooling yourself.
We're living in a dictatorship.
A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the
working classes...
Mother: Oh, there you go, bringing class into it again.
Dennis: That's what it's all about!
Arthur: Please, please good people. I am in haste.
Who is your lord?
Mother: We don't have a lord.
Dennis: We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it
in turns to act as a sort of an executive officer for the week.
Arthur: Yes.
Dennis: But each decision of that officer
has to be ratified at a special biweekly meeting...
Arthur: Yes, yes, I see.
Dennis: ...by a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs...
Arthur: Yes, and now be quiet.
Dennis: ...but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more...
Arthur: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!
Mother: Oh! Order, eh? Who does he think he is?
Arthur: I am your king!
Mother: Well, I didn't vote for you!
Arthur: You don't vote for kings.
Mother: Well, how did you become king then?
Arthur: Well, I'll tell you. One day, as I was riding
forth from Camelot I saw a lady in the lake!
Dennis: Dead?
Arthur: No. Not dead. She was the Lady of the Lake!
She lives in the lake!
Dennis: What, underwater?
Arthur: Yes.
Arthur: She appeared to me out of the bosom of the water...
Her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite
holding aloft Excalibur signifying by Divine Providence
that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur.
Patsy: Excalibur!
Ensemble: Excalibur!
Arthur: That is why I am your King!
Dennis: Listen...
Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords
is no basis for a system of government.
Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from
the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony!
Arthur: It's not just an ordinary sword. How many
swords do you know that have their own names?
Dennis: You can't expect to wield supreme executive power
just because some watery tart threw a sword at you!
Arthur: Be quiet!
Dennis: If I went around saying I was emperor just because
some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitarat me they'd put me away!
Arthur: Do you think I could make that up?
Dennis: Soggy old blondes with their backsides
in ponds can't replace the electorate.
Arthur: Very well, since you don't believe me,
if I prove to you that the Lady of the Lake exists,
will you join my army
and enlist as a Knight?
Dennis: Oh sure, if she exists, I'll join any bloody army.
And for the Tooth Fairy, I'll join the Navy!
Arthur: Very well. Watch this!
Oh Lady of the Lake,
please reveal to this doubting Thomas...
Dennis: Dennis.
Arthur: ...please reveal to this doubting Dennis that you are real!
Lady: Come with me, come with me!
Come with me, Sweet Galahad!
You'll be a man. Join Arthurs clan!
Come with me and I will make you glad.
Galahad, sweet Galahad,
be a Knight! It's time to take your vow!
If you come with me now, I'll show you how.
Dennis: Oh wow!
Mother: 'Ere, you leave him alone you watery witch. Dennis.
Come back. You'll catch a nasty cold in that pond.
Arthur: Stand aside please, Mrs. Galahad, while the Lady of the
Lake and her Laker Girls welcome your son into my army.
I am Arthur, King of the Britons,
and we're seeking men who are able.
And so we're recruiting Dennis to sit
at our very, very, very round table.
Ready?!
Laker Girls: Okay!
K-I-N-G-A-R-T-H-U-R, ARTHUR!
K-I-N-G-A-R-T-H-U-R, ARTHUR!
ARTHUR KING, ARTHUR KING
THE BIGGEST AND THE COOLEST THING
Arthur: Who's the king?
Laker Girls: U-R!
Arthur: Who's the king?
Laker Girls: U-R!
A-R-T-H-U-R, ARTHUR!
WHO IS NEXT TO ENLIST?
DENNIS! DENNIS!
Patsy: Who is?
Patsy and Laker Girls: DEN-IS!
Patsy and Laker Girls: THE LADY OF THE LAKE WILL MAKE HIM A MAN
IF SHE CAN'T DO IT NOBODY CAN!
Arthur and Patsy: Who will he be?
Laker Girls: G-A-L-A-H-A-D
Laker Girls: G-A-L-A-H-A-...
Mother: D!
Patsy: Tonight, King Arthur presents the Lady of the Lake
and the Knighting of Dennis Galahad!
Dennis: Once in every show
there comes a song like this.
It starts off soft and slow
and ends up with a kiss.
Oh where is the song that goes like this?
Where is it? Where? Where?
Lady: A sentimental song that casts a magic spell.
They all will hum along. We'll overact like hell!
Oh this is the song that goes like this.
Dennis: Yes it is!
Both: Yes it is!
Dennis: Now we can go straight into the middle eight.
A bridge that is too far for me.
Lady: I'll sing it in your face while we both embrace
Both: and then we change the key!
Dennis: Now we're in to E, that's awfully high for me!
Lady: But everyone can see we should have stayed in D.
Both: For this is our song that goes like this.
Dennis: I'm feeling very proud!
Lady: You're singing far too loud...
Dennis: That's the way that this song goes.
Lady: You're standing on my toes.
Both: Singing our song that goes like this.
Lady: I can't believe there's more!
Dennis: It's far too long I'm sure!
Lady: That's the trouble with this song. It goes on and on and on
Both: For this is the song that is too long.
Dennis: Jesus Christ! God damn it!
Lady: We'll be singing this till dawn...
Dennis: You'll wish that you weren't born!
Lady: Let's stop this damn refrain
Both: before we go insane! The song always ends like this!
Arthur: Come, kneel.
Dennis: Dennis!
Arthur: Come, Dennis, kneel!
Arise, Sir Galahad!
Dennis: Oh, thank you, King Arthur. I feel ever so much better now.
Patsy: Ere, Dennis, what has she done to your voice?
Dennis: I'm talking properly now, because I am a Knight.
Patsy: No you're a prat!
But after all prats somewhere inside
but now I'm in touch with my inner prat!
Arthur: Come, let us to horse.
Dennis: To what?
Arthur: To horse!
Patsy: Come on. You'll get the hang of it.
Historian: And so, King Arthur gathered more Knights together, bringing
from all the corners of the Kingdom the strongest and bravest in the land
to sit at the Round Table.
The strangely flatulent Sir Bedevere.
The scientist who first proved that coconuts migrate,
the dashingly handsome Sir Galahad,
the homicidally brave Sir Lancelot,
Sir Robin the Not-quite-so-brave-as-Sir-Lancelot,
who slew the vicious chicken of Bristol and
who personally wet himself at the Battle of Badon Hill.
And the aptly named Sir Not-Appearing-in-this-show.
Together they formed a band whose names and deeds were to be retold
throughout the Centuries... The Knights of the Round Table!
Knights: ALL FOR ONE, ONE FOR ALL
ALL FOR ONE, AND ONE FOR ALL
Bedevere: SOME FOR SOME
Dennis: NONE FOR NONE
Robin: SLIGHTLY LESS FOR PEOPLE WE DON'T LIKE
Lance: AND A LITTLE BIT MORE FOR ME
Knights: ALL ROUND THIS BLIGHTY LAND
WE ARE HIS MIGHTY BAND! OH
KING ARTHUR'S STRONGEST KNIGHTS
WE ARE PREPARED TO FIGHT WHOEVER!
Arthur: Knights, tonight is the night we shine a light
on the mystery of the dark time: to wit...
why do they call us the Middle Ages when nothing yet comes after us?
Someday, history will speak of a legendary king and his knights of
courage and daring.
Knights: ALL FOR ONE, ONE FOR ALL
FROM HIGH TO LOW, FROM BIG TO SMALL.
Arthur: Together, we shall bring chivalry to a rude and churlish time.
But first I thought "Let's go to Camelot!"
Knights: To Camelot!
Arthur: And remember, gentlemen:
What happens in Camelot, stays in Camelot!
Girls: CAMELOT.
THE TOWN THAT NEVER SLEEPS! IT'S CAMELOT!
Knights: WE'RE KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND TABLE
WE DANCE WHEN E'ER WE'RE ABLE
WE DO ROUTINES AND CHORUS SCENES
WITH FOOTWORK IMPECC-ABLE.
WE DINE WELL HERE IN CAMELOT
WE EAT HAM AND JAM AND SPAM A LOT!
SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM
SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM
WE'RE KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND TABLE
OUR SHOWS ARE FOR-MID-ABLE.
BUT MANY TIMES, WE'RE GIVEN RHYMES
THAT ARE QUITE UNSING-ABLE.
WE'RE OPERA MAD IN CAMELOT
WE SING FROM THE DIAPHRAGM A LOT!
King Arthur: One, two, three, huh!
Knights: WE'RE KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND TABLE
ALTHOUGH WE LIVE A FABLE
WE'RE NOT JUST BUMS
WITH ROYAL MUMS
WE'VE BRAINS THAT ARE QUITE ABLE.
WE'VE A BUSY LIFE IN CAMELOT!
Bass: I HAVE TO PUSH THE PRAM A LOT.
King Arthur: Ladies and gentlemen - The Lady of the Lake!
Lady: ONCE IN EV'RY SHOW
THERE COMES A SONG LIKE THIS
ITSTARTSOFFSOFTANDSLOW
AND ENDS UP WITH A KISS
OH, WHERE, WHERE, SOMEONE TELL ME WHERE
IS THE SONG THAT GOES LIKE THIS?
GOES LIKE THIS?
FOR THIS IS THE SONG THAT GOES...
LIKE...
Lady: THEY'RE KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND TABLE
Arthur: THEY DANCE WHEN E'ER THEY'RE ABLE
Lady: THEY'RE KNIGHTS
Arthur: NOT DAYS, BUT KNIGHTS
Both: NOT DAWN, NOT DUSK. NOT LATE AFTERNOON
BUT KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND TABLE!
ROUND TABLE, ROUND TABLE,
ROUND TABLE
All: ROUND TABLE, ROUND TABLE,
ROUND TABLE, ROUND TABLE!
TRY YOUR LUCK IN CAMALOT!
RUN AMUCK IN CAMELOT!
IT DOESN'T SUCK IN CAMELOT!
WE WON!
WE'RE KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND TABLE
WE DANCE WHEN E'ER WE'RE ABLE
WE DO ROUTINES AND GORY SCENES
THAT ARE TOO HOT FOR CABLE
WE EAT HAM AND JAM!
POW!
WE EAT HAM AND JAM
AND SPAM-A-LOT!
SPAMALOT!
God: Arthur! Arthur, King of the Britons! Oh, don't grovel!
If there's one thing I cannot stand, it's people groveling.
Arthur: Sorry, Lord.
God: And don't apologize. Every time I try to talk to someone, it's
'sorry this,' and, 'forgive me that,' and, 'I'm not worthy'.
What are you doing pissing around in Camelot!?
Arthur: Well, we were dancing Lord and...
God: And what are you doing now?
Arthur: I'm averting my eyes, oh Lord.
God: Well, don't. And stop looking up my skirt!
Arthur: Yes, Lord!
God: Right! Arthur, King of the Britons, your Knights have a task
to make them an example in these dark time...
Arthur: Oh, good idea, oh Lord!
God: Of 'course it's a good idea!
I'm God, you stupid tit! Jesus!
Now this shall be your Quest. Behold!
Arthur, this is the Holy Grail. Look well.
For that is your purpose, Arthur,
the Quest for the Holy Grail.
Arthur: But how will I...
God: Just find the Grail, okay. And get on with it.
These people don't have all night!
Arthur: God be praised! We have a Quest.
Bedevere: To find the Grail!
Robin: The Quail!
Arthur: No, no, the Grail. The vessel used at The Last Supper.
Robin: They had a boat at the Last Supper?
Was it a sort of Dinner Cruise?
Dennis: The Grail is a Cup.
Robin: God the Almighty and All Knowing has misplaced a cup?
Dennis: Apparently.
Robin: Doesn't sound very plausible.
If God is all-knowing He must know where it is...
Dennis: It does seem very careless.
There must be other cups he could use.
Robin: Couldn't we just buy him another one?
Arthur: Look, it's not just about a missing mug.
It's a metaphor. We must all look within us!
That's where we'll find the Grail!
Robin: Somebody's swallowed it?
Arthur: Nobody has swallowed it. It's a symbol!
*cymbal plays in the background*
Look, just go and find it.
Robin: Found it.
Arthur: Where?
Robin: It's right there!
Lady: IF YOU TRUST IN YOUR SOUL
KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE GOAL.
THEN THE PRIZE YOU WON'T FAIL:
THAT'S YOUR GRAIL, THAT'S YOUR GRAIL!
SO BE STRONG, KEEP RIGHT ON
TO THE END OF YOUR SONG
DO NOT FAIL! FIND YOUR GRAIL
FIND YOUR GRAIL, FIND YOUR GRAIL
LIFE IS REALLY UP TO YOU
YOU MUST CHOOSE WHAT TO PURSUE OH YEAH
SET YOUR MIND ON WHAT TO FIND
AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN'T DO
SO KEEP RIGHT TO THE END
YOU'LL FIND YOUR GOAL MY FRIEND
YOU WON'T FAIL! FIND YOUR GRAIL,
FIND YOUR GRAIL, FIND YOUR GRAIL!
Knights: FIND YOUR GRAIL
FIND YOUR GRAIL
Arthur: When your life seems to drift,
when we all need a lift,
Trim your sail, you won't fail!
Find your Grail, find your Grail!
LIFE IS REALLY UP TO YOU
YOU MUST CHOOSE WHAT TO PURSUE
SET YOUR MIND ON WHAT TO FIND!
Lady: AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN'T DO, YOU CAN'T DO!
All: SO KEEP RIGHT TO THE END
YOU'LL FIND YOUR GOAL MY FRIEND
YOU WON'T FAIL, FIND YOUR GRAIL
FIND YOUR GRAIL, FIND YOUR GRAIL
Knight 1: Spring!
Knight 2: Summer!
Knight 1: Winter!
Knight 2: Water!
Arthur: And Halt! Woah!
Hello? Hello?
Taunter: 'Allo! Who is it?
Arthur: It is King Arthur, and these are my Knights
of the Round Table. Whose castle is this?
Taunter: This is the castle of my master,
Guy de Loimbard! The French bastard.
Arthur: Well, go and tell your master that we have been
sent on a sacred quest.
And if he will give us food and shelter
for the night he may join us on our quest for the Holy Grail.
Taunter: Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen.
He's already got one, you see?
Arthur: What?
Dennis: He says they've already got one!
Arthur: Are you sure he's got one?
Taunter: Oh, yes, it's very nice.
Hey! I told him we already got one!
Guards: Tee hee hee!
Arthur: Well, can we come in and have a look?
Taunter: Of course not! You are English bed-wetting types!
Arthur: Well, what are you then?
Taunter: I'm French! Why do you think I have this
outrageous accent, you silly king?
Arthur: If you will not show us the Grail,
we shall take this castle by force!
Taunter: You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs!
Go and boil your bottoms, sons of a silly person.
I blow my nose at you, so-called Arthur-king,
you and all your silly English kniggets.
Arthur: Now look here my good man!
Taunter: I don't want to talk to you no more
you empty headed animal food trough wipers!
I fart in your general direction!
Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!
Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time.
Dennis: Is there someone else we could talk to?
Taunter: Hey, hey, no chance, son of a window-dresser!
I wave my private parts at your aunties,
you, you tinybrained wipers of other people's bottoms!
Arthur: I command you, in the name of the Knights of Camelot,
to open the doors of this sacred castle, to which God himself
has guided us!
Taunter: Well, I burst my pimples at you and call your door-opening
request a silly thing, you cheesy lot of second-hand electric
donkey bottom biters.
Robin: They're using rude gestures, sir.
Dennis: The fiends. They haven't an ounce of chivalry.
Arthur: What do we do, Bedevere?
Bedevere: Well, I believe that it is time for Plan B, Sire.
My secret weapon.
Arthur: If you do not cease to taunt us, we shall be forced
to bring out our secret weapon.
Taunter: Oh, no. Oh, we are all so scared.
Oh, sir, did I mention before...
Arthur: Right that's it. They have a nasty shock coming to them.
Bedevere. What the hell is that?
Bedevere: The wooden rabbit, Sire!
It's the very latest in modern technology.
Robin: Wow.
Arthur: How does it work?
Bedevere: Well, the beauty of it is its simplicity.
We just leave it here and then walk away.
Taunter: Qu'est ce-que c'est?
Guard: What?
Taunter: What is this?
Guard: C'est un lapin, un grand lapin de bois.
Taunter: What?
Guard: A rabbit. A large, wooden rabbit.
Taunter: Oh, a large, wooden rabbit. How very very nice.
What the hell is it doing here?
Guard: Perhaps it is Art.
Guards: Oh!
Taunter: Art! Oh, yes. Of course. It is Art. Hey, French people!
Come outside here and look at our big new piece of Art!
It is very big, you know, very big but what does it mean?
It, uh, symbolizes our strength in our struggles and...
French guy: No, it says we are all rabbit inside.
All: Brilliant! Oui! Oui!
Formidable!
Taunter: Better bring the rabbit into the castle.
We can hang it in the Salon next to the Renoir.
But, uh, first lets see if it has any chocolate inside.
It could be some kind of an Easter thing.
Arthur: Brilliant plan, Bedevere. They fell for it completely.
What happens now?
Bedevere: Well, now we wait until nightfall and
then we all leap out of the rabbit.
Arthur: What?
Bedevere: We all leap out of the... oh, dear... I forgot a bit.
Supposing we build this large wooden badger?
Arthur: Shut up!
Taunter: The rabbit, she is empty!
You, you have sent us an empty rabbit!
That is too much for we French. Now, now it will have to
pay from your very bowels. Fetchez le catapult!
Guard: Fetchez le catapult!
Taunter: And... Fetchez la vache!
Guard: Fetchez la vache!
Arthur: What's a la vache?
Bedevere: Sire, if I'm not mistaken, la vache means "the cow."
Patsy: What could they possibly do with a cow?
Guards: HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA
HA, HA, HA, HA, HA
YOU ENGLISH ARE ALL BUGGER FOLK
YOUR MOTHERS ARE ALL RUGGER FOLK
YOUR ARMY IS A BLOODY JOKE
YOU COULDN'T BEAT AN ARTICHOKE.
IF BATTLE YOU CHOOSE TO RENEW
WE'LL TAUNT YOU TILL YOU ALL TURN BLUE.
WE TURN OUR ARSES AS YOU PART
IN YOUR DIRECTION WE ALL FART!
Taunter: Fetchez Le Can-Can Dancers!
Knights: Run away!
All: RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!
RUN AWAY! RUN, RUN, RUN, RUN, RUN!
RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!
RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!
Robin: Oh!
RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY!
RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY.
RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY.
RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY!
Arthur: WE'RE STUCK IN A NASTY POSITION
WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A SHORT INTERMISSION?
HAVE A DRINK AND A PEE
WE'LL BE BACK FOR ACT THREE!
Patsy: Two, sir.
Arthur: Two!
All: RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY!
RUN, RUN, RUN, RUN, RUN, RUN, RUN AWAY!
Historian: Defeat, at the castle in Act One,
seems to have utterly disheartened King Arthur.
The ferocity of the French taunting took him completely by surprise.
King Arthur and his Knights fled for their lives and
were instantly scattered and lost in a dark and very expensive forest.
Arthur: Woahaha!
This is a total bloody disaster! All my Knights have fled
and we're lost in a dark and extremely expensive forest.
Patsy: Well, it could be worse.
Arthur: How could it possibly be worse?
Voice: Ni!
Arthur: Oh no!
Arthur: Who are you?
Ni Knight: We are the Knights Who Say... Ni!
Arthur: No! Not the Knights Who Say Ni!
Ni Knight: The same! We are the keepers of the sacred words:
Ni Peng, and Ni-wom!
Arthur: Those who hear these words seldom live to tell the tale!
Patsy: Oh, great.
Ni Knight: The Knights Who Say Ni demand a sacrifice!
Arthur: Oh, Knights of Ni,
we are but simple travelers lost in these woods.
Ni Knights: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!
Ni Knight: We shall say 'ni' again to you if you do not appease us.
Arthur: Well, what is it that you want?
Ni Knight: We want...
a shrubbery!
Ni Knights: A shrubbery! A shrubbery!
Arthur: Where the hell are we going to find a shrubbery?
Ni Knight: If you do not find us a shrubbery, you must cut down
the mightiest tree in the forest with... a herring.
Ni Knights: Herring! Herring! Herring!
Arthur: Very well. We'll find you a shrubbery.
Ni Knight: Good! You must return here with the shrubbery
within the next 2000 years...
... within the next twelve seconds...
... before nightfall or else you will never
pass through this wood alive!
And now... Niu!
Ni Knights: Niu! Niu!
Arthur: Well, go on then!
Ni Knights: Ni!
Arthur: Where are we going to find a shrubbery?
Patsy: Maybe we can build one? Out of cats.
Arthur: Oh don't be ridiculous. Where are we gonna find cats?
This is a total nightmare.
You think it would be easy: one, round up a bunch of knights;
two, seek and find the Grail; five...
Patsy: Three, sir.
Arthur: Three, go home. But no. I'm so depressed.
Patsy: Cheer up, Sire. You know what they say...
Arthur: What do they say, Patsy?
Patsy: SOME THINGS IN LIFE ARE BAD,
THEY CAN REALLY MAKE YOU MAD.
OTHER THINGS JUST MAKE YOU SWEAR AND CURSE.
WHEN YOU'RE CHEWING ON LIFE'S GRISTLE,
DON'T GRUMBLE, GIVE A WHISTLE!
AND THIS'LL HELP THINGS TURN OUT FOR THE BEST...
AND...
ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE!
ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE!
You try it!
IF LIFE SEEMS JOLLY ROTTEN,
THERE'S SOMETHING YOU'VE FORGOTTEN!
AND THAT'S TO LAUGH AND SMILE AND DANCE AND SING,
WHEN YOU'RE FEELING IN THE DUMPS,
DON'T BE SILLY CHUMPS,
JUST PURSE YOUR LIPS AND WHISTLE, THAT'S THE THING!
AND...
Patsy and Knights: ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE!
ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE!
Patsy: FOR LIFE IS QUITE ABSURD,
AND DEATH'S THE FINAL WORD.
YOU MUST ALWAYS FACE THE CURTAIN WITH A BOW!
FORGET ABOUT YOUR SIN - GIVE THE AUDIENCE A GRIN,
ENJOY IT - IT'S YOUR LAST CHANCE ANYHOW!
Arthur: ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF DEATH!
JUST BEFORE YOU DRAW YOUR TERMINAL BREATH
LIFE'S A PIECE OF SHIT, WHEN YOU LOOK AT IT.
LIFE'S A LAUGH AND DEATH'S A JOKE, IT'S TRUE.
Patsy: YOU'LL SEE IT'S ALL A SHOW,
KEEP 'EM LAUGHING AS YOU GO.
Arthur: JUST REMEMBER THAT THE LAST LAUGH IS ON YOU!
All: ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE!
ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE!
All: ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE!
ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE!
All: ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE!
ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE!
Patsy: Follow me!
Both: FOR LIFE IS QUITE ABSURD AND DEATH'S THE FINAL WORD
YOU MUST ALWAYS FACE THE CURTAIN WITH A BOW.
Arthur: Excuse me, is that a shrubbery?
Mother: Yes it is! I was just throwing it out. The cat won't leave it alone.
Arthur: Well, what a stroke of luck!
We'll take it off your hands.Thank you, Patsy!
Lovely! How lovely!
All: ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE!
ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE!
SIDE OF LIFE! SIDE OF LIFE!
Minstrel: BRAVELY BOLD SIR ROBIN, RODE FORTH FROM CAMELOT.
HE WAS NOT AFRAID TO DIE, O BRAVE SIR ROBIN!
HE WAS NOT AT ALL AFRAID TO BE KILLED IN NASTY WAYS.
BRAVE, BRAVE, BRAVE, BRAVE SIR ROBIN!
HE WAS NOT IN THE LEAST BIT SCARED TO BE MASHED INTO A PULP,
OR TO HAVE HIS EYES GOUGED OUT, AND HIS ELBOWS BROKEN.
TO HAVE HIS KNEECAPS SPLIT, AND HIS BODY BURNED AWAY,
AND HIS LIMBS ALL HACKED AND MANGLED, BRAVE SIR ROBIN!
HIS HEAD SMASHED IN AND HIS HEART CUT OUT,
AND HIS LIVER REMOVED AND HIS BOWELS UNPLUGGED,
AND HIS NOSTRILS RAPED AND HIS BOTTOM BURNED OFF,
AND HIS PENIS SPLIT AND HIS...
Robin: That's, uh, that's enough music for now lads!
Black Knight: None shall pass!
Robin: Oh!
Minstrel: BRAVE SIR ROBIN RAN AWAY!
BRAVELY RAN AWAY, AWAY!
LET US PRAISE THAT MAN ALL DAY
WHO SOILED HIS PANTS AND THEN RAN AWAY...
Arthur: Good Sir Knight. I am King Arthur looking for my men.
Would you care to join us?
Black Knight: None shall pass!
Arthur: I see. Well, good sir knight I have no quarrel with you,
but I must pass this way.
Black Knight: Then you shall die.
Arthur: I command you as King of the Britons to stand aside!
Black Knight: I move for no man!
Arthur: So be it!
Arthur: Yield, worthy adversary.
Black Knight: 'Tis but a scratch.
Arthur: A scratch? Your arm's off!
Black Knight: No, it isn't.
Arthur: Well, what's that then?
Black Knight: I've had worse.
Arthur: You liar!
Black Knight: Come on, you pansy!
Arthur: Victory is mine! We thank thee Lord, that in thy mercy...
Black Knight: Ha!
Come on then!
Arthur: What?
Black Knight: Have at you!
Arthur: You are indeed brave, good Sir Knight, but the fight is mine.
Black Knight: Oh, had enough, eh?
Arthur: Look, you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left.
Black Knight: Yes, I have.
Arthur: But look!
Black Knight: Just a flesh wound.
Monk: Alms for the poor! Alms for the..
Oh you're very kind!
Alms for the poor!
Black Knight: The Black Knight always triumphs! I'm invincible!
Arthur: You're a loony.
Black Knight: Chicken-chicken-chicken-chicken!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha! You missed me!
Arthur: Come, Patsy!
Black Knight: All right, we'll call it a tie.
ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE...
Minstrel: HE WAS RUNNING AWAY AND CHICKENING OUT
AND BUGGERING OFF AND PISSING OFF HOME
Robin: just go home!
Minstrel: WHEN DANGER REARED ITS UGLY HEAD
Robin: Don't you have another song?!
Minstrel: HE SIMPLY SHAT HIMSELF INSTEAD!
Robin: Stop it! Stop it!
Arthur: Are you running away?
Robin: No, no, Sire, I was not running away. I was running to where I
thought the Grail might be... sort of over here.
Ni Knight: Ni!
Robin: Ah!!
Ni Knight: So I come again, unexpectedly!
Robin: Stupid idiot, that really scared me, it is so...
Ni Knights: Ahhhhh!
Ni Knight!: Don't say that word!
Robin: What word?
Ni Knight: I cannot tell! Suffice to say that's one of the words
the Knights of Ni cannot hear.
Robin: How can we not say the word if you don't tell us what it is?
Ni Knights: Ahhhhh!
Ni Knight: He said the word again!
Arthur: What is?
Ni Knight: No, not is. You wouldn't get very far in life not saying is.
Arthur: Oh, stop it!
Ni Knights: Ahhhhh!
Ni Knight: Stop saying the word!
Robin: Is it stop?
Ni Knights: Ahhhh!
Ni Knight: Oh, you said it again! Oh, I just said it!
Oh I said it again! Oh, that's three times I've said it!
Arthur: O Knights of Ni, we have brought you a shrubbery!
Ni Knights: Ohhhh!
Arthur: May we pass now?
Ni Knight: That is a good shrubbery. Oh... I like the cat smell.
But there is one small problem.
Arthur: And what is that?
Ni Knight: We are now no longer The Knights Who Say Ni.
Ni Knights: Ni!
Ni Knight: We are now The Knights Who Say
Ecky-ecky-ecky-ecky-f'tang-boing-olé-biscuit-barrel...
...
Therefore, we must give you a new test.
Arthur: What is this test, O Knights Who Say Ecky-ecky-ecky-ecky-ecky-
f'tang-boing-olé-biscuit-roll...
Or Knights Who Until Recently Said Ni?
Ni Knight: The new test is you must put on a musical!
Robin: Oh yes!
Ni Knight: But not an Andrew Lloyd Webber.
All: AHHH! NOOOO!
Ni Knight: And to top it:
you must take this musical to Broadway!
C'mon lets go book seats on the web!
Arthur: You know this Broadway?
Robin: Yes, Sire, and we don't stand a chance there.
Arthur: Why not?
Robin: Because Broadway...
...is a very special place, filled with very special people.
People who can sing and dance, often at the same time.
They are a different people, a multi-talented people, a people
who need people and who are in many ways
the luckiest people in the world.
I'm sorry, Sire, but we don't have a chance.
Arthur: But why not?
Robin: Well, let me put it like this:
IN ANY GREAT ADVENTURE
IF YOU DON'T WANT TO LOSE
VICTORY DEPENDS UPON
THE PEOPLE THAT YOU CHOOSE!
SO LISTEN, ARTHUR, DARLING
CLOSELY TO THIS NEWS
WE WON'T SUCCEED ON BROADWAY.
IF WE DON'T HAVE ANY JEWS!
YOU MAY HAVE THE FINEST SETS
FILL THE STAGE WITH PENTHOUSE PETS
YOU MAY HAVE THE LOVELIEST COSTUMES AND BEST SHOES
YOU MAY DANCE AND YOU MAY SING
BUT I'M SORRY, ARTHUR KING,
YOU'LL HEAR NO CHEERS JUST LOTS AND LOTS OF BOOS!
Minstrels: Boo!
Robin: YOU MAY HAVE BUTCH MEN BY THE SCORE
WHOM THE AUDIENCE ADORE
YOU MAY EVEN HAVE SOME ANIMALS FROM ZOOS!
THOUGH YOU'VE POLES AND KRAUTS INSTEAD
YOU MAY HAVE UNLEAVENED BREAD
BUT I TELL YOU YOU ARE DEAD
IF YOU DON'T HAVE ANY JEWS!
THEY WON'T CARE IF IT'S WITTY
OR EVERYTHING LOOKS PRETTY
THEY'LL SIMPLY SAY IT'S SHITTY, AND REFUSE.
NOBODY WILL GO, SIR
IF IT'S NOT KOSHER, THEN NO SHOW, SIR
EVEN GOYIM WON'T BE DIM ENOUGH TO CHOOSE!
PUT ON SHOWS THAT MAKE MEN STARE
WITH LOTS OF GIRLS IN UNDERWEAR
YOU MAY EVEN HAVE THE FINEST OF REVIEWS
Man: You're doing great!
BUT THE AUDIENCE WON'T CARE, SIR
AS LONG AS YOU DON'T DARE, SIR
TO OPEN UP ON BROADWAY
Arthur and Patsy: IF WE DON'T HAVE ANY JEWS!
Robin: YOU MAY HAVE DRAMATIC LIGHTING
AND LOTS OF HORRID FIGHTING
YOU MAY EVEN HAVE SOME WHITE MEN SING THE BLUES.
YOUR KNIGHTS MAY BE NICE BOYS
BUT SADLY WE'RE ALL GOYS
AND THE NOISE THAT YOU CALL SINGING YOU MUST LOSE.
SO DESPITE YOUR PRETTY LIGHTS
NAUGHTY GIRLS IN NASTY TIGHTS
AND THE MOST IMPRESSIVE SCENERY YOU USE
YOU MAY HAVE DANCING MANO E MANO
YOU MAY BRING ON A PIANO
BUT THEY WILL NOT GIVE A DAMN-O
IF YOU DON'T HAVE ANY JEWS!
All: HAY!
Robin: YOU MAY FILL YOUR PLAYS WITH GAYS
HAVE NIGERIAN GIRLS IN STAYS
Women: YOU MAY EVEN HAVE SOME SHIKSAS MAKING STEWS.
Men: YOU HAVEN'T GOT A CLUE IF YOU DON'T HAVE A JEW.
ALL OF YOUR INVESTMENTS YOU ARE GOING TO LOSE
Robin: THERE'S A VERY SMALL PERCENTILE
WHO ENJOYS A DANCING GENTILE
I'M SAD TO BE THE ONE WITH THIS BAD NEWS!
All: BUT NEVER MIND YOUR SWORDPLAY
YOU JUST WON'T SUCCEED ON BROADWAY
YOU JUST DON'T SUCCEED ON BROADWAY
IF YOU DON'T HAVE ANY JEWS!
Robin: Papa, can you hear me?!
TO GET ALONG ON BROADWAY
TO SING YOUR SONG ON BROADWAY
TO HIT THE TOP ON BROADWAY AND NOT LOSE
I TELL YOU, ARTHUR KING, THERE IS ONE ESSENTIAL THING
THERE SIMPLY MUST BE, SIMPLY MUST BE JEWS.
THERE SIMPLY MUST BE, ARTHUR, TRUST ME
SIMPLY MUST BE JEWS!
Arthur: Well...
I suppose we'd better go and find some Jews then.
Lance: Here we go, Concorde. And side saddle.
And backwards. And big jump, and over we go!
Well taken, Concorde!
Concorde: Thank you, sir!
Concorde: Message for you, sir.
Lance: Concorde!
Concorde, speak to me!
""To whoever finds this note, I have been imprisoned by my father,
who wishes me to marry against my will.
Please, please, please come and rescue me. I am in the
tall tower of Swamp Castle." At last! At last! At last! A...
Concorde: Cry of distress?
Lance: Cry of distress!
This could be the sign that leads us to the
Concorde: Holy Grail!
Lance: Holy Grail!
Brother, brave Sir Concorde!
You shall not have died in vain...
Concorde: I'm not quite dead, sir.
Lance: Oh, I see but you are mortily wounded, okay?
Concorde: I think I'll come through, sir!
Actually, I think I'm all right to come with you...
Lance: No, no, no sweet Concorde!
Deeds like this must be accomplished...
Concorde: Single handedly?
Lance: Yes I knew that one. Single handedly.
Stay here, take your lunch! I shall return as soon as I have
accomplished a heroic and daring rescue in my own particular...
Concorde: Idiom, sir?
Lance: Idiom!
Lance: Really... really good!
Concorde: Thank you.
Lance: And so...
Concorde: Farewell!
Lance: Farewell! Farewell sweet Concorde!
Lady: WHATEVER HAPPENED TO MY PART?
IT WAS EXCITING AT THE START...
NOW WE'RE HALF-WAY THROUGH ACT TWO
AND I'VE HAD NOTHING YET TO DO
I'VE BEEN OFF STAGE FOR FAR TOO LONG
IT'S AGES SINCE I HAD A SONG
THIS IS ONE UNHAPPY DIVA
THE PRODUCER'S A DECEIVER
THERE IS NOTHING I CAN SING FROM MY HEART.
WHATEVER HAPPENED TO MY PART?
I AM SICK OF MY CAREER
ALWAYS STUCK IN SECOND GEAR
UP TO HERE WITH FRUSTRATION AND FEARS
I'VE NO GRAMMY, NO REWARDS
I'VE NO TONY AWARDS
I'M CONSTANTLY REPLACED BY BRITNEY SPEARS, BRITNEY SPEARS
WHATEVER HAPPENED TO MY SHOW?
I WAS A HIT, NOW I DON'T KNOW...
I'M WITH A BUNCH OF BRITISH KNIGHTS
PRANCING AROUND IN WOOLY TIGHTS
I MIGHT AS WELL GO TO THE PUB
THEY'VE BEEN OUT SEARCHING FOR A SHRUB
OUT SHOPPING FOR A BUSH
WELL THEY CAN KISS MY TUSH
IT SEEMS TO ME THEY'VE REALLY LOST THE PLOT...
WHATEVER HAPPENED TO MY-
I'LL CALL MY AGENT, DAMNIT
WHATEVER HAPPENED TO MY-
NOT YOURS, NOT YOURS BUT MY PART?!
Herbert: WHERE ARE YOU? WHERE ARE YOU?
WHERE ARE YOU, MY HEART'S DESIRE?
MY HEART IS TRUE BUT WHERE ARE YOU?
ONLY YOU CAN QUENCH THE FIRE!
WHERE ARE YOU? WHERE ARE YOU?
father: Stop it! Stop it stop it stop it!!
Stop. All. That. Singing!
Stop it!
One day, lad, all this will be yours!
Herbert: What, the curtains?
Father: No, not the curtains! All that you can see! Stretched out
over the hills and valleys of this land! This will be your kingdom, lad!
Herbert: But, Mother...
Father: Father, lad, Father!
Herbert: Father, I don't want any of that. I'd rather...
Father: Rather what?!
Herbert: I'd rather... just... sing!
WHERE ARE YOU?
WHERE ARE YOU?
Father: Stop it! Stop it! You're not going to do a song while I'm here.
Now listen, in twenty minutes you're getting married to a girl
whose father owns the biggest tracts of open land in Britain.
Herbert: But I don't want land.
Father: Listen, Alice...
Herbert: Herbert.
Father: Herbert. We live in a bloody swamp.
We have to sell mud for a living.
We need all the land we can get!
Herbert: But I don't like her.
Father: Don't like her?! What's wrong with her? She's beautiful,
she's rich, she's got huge... tracts of land.
Herbert: I know, but I want the person I marry to have...
a certain... special... something...
AND ANOTHER HUNDRED PEOPLE JUST CONTRACTED THE PLAGUE
OR FELL INTO THE SWAMP...
Father: Cut that out! Look, you're marrying Princess...
You're marrying Princess Lucky,
so you'd better get used to the idea. Guards!
Make sure the Prince doesn't leave this room until I come and get him.
Guard #1: Not to leave the room
even if you come and get him.
Father: No, no. Until I come and get him!
Guard #1: Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room.
Father: No, no, no...You just stay here and make sure he doesn't leave!
Guard #1: ...and you'll come and get him.
Father: Right.
Guard #1: We don't need to do anything, apart from just stop him
entering the room.
Father: No, no! Leaving the room!
Guard #1: Leaving the room.... yes.
Father: Got it?
Guard #1: Oh, if...
Father: Yes, what is it?
Guard #1: Oh, if...
Father: No, it's quite simple! You just keep him in here
and make sure he doesn't leave the room! Alright?
Right!
Guard #1: Oh, uhm, can he leave the room with us?
Father: NO!
No... you just keep him in here! And make sure...
Guard #1: Oh, yes! We'll keep him here, obviously.
But if he had to leave and we were with him...
Father: No, no, no! Just keep him in here!
Guard #1: Until you, or anyone else...
Father: No. Not anyone else, just me!
Guard #1: Just you.
Father: Get back!
Guard #1: Get back!
Father: Right?!
Guard #1: Right. We'll stay here until you get back.
Father: Make sure he doesn't leave.
Guard #1: What?
Father: Make sure he doesn't leave.
Guard #1: The Prince?
Father: Yes, make sure he doesn't leave!
Guard #1: Oh, yes, of course! I thought you meant him...
you know, it seemed a bit daft, me having to guard
him when he's a guard!
Father: Is that clear?
guard #1: Oh, quite clear. No problems!
Father: Right.
Where are you going?!
Guard #1: We're coming with you.
Father: No, no, I want you to stay in here and make sure
that he doesn't leave the room!
Guard #1: Oh, I see, right.
Herbert: But, father...
Father: Just shut your noise, you! And get that suit on!
And no singing! Stop it!
Lance: Ha!
Guard #1: Ah. Now you're not to leave the... room...
Lance: Ha!
Guard #2: Hic!
Lance: Oh fair ..., behold your humble servant,
Sir Lancelot, I have come to take you...
Oh... I'm terribly sorry!
Herbert: You got my note?!
Lance: Well... I got a note.
Herbert: You've come to rescue me?
Lance: No, no, no, I hadn't realized...
Herbert: I knew someone would come. I knew that somewhere out there...
there must be!
HERE ARE YOU, HERE ARE YOU,
HERE ARE YOU, SIR LANCELOT!
Father: Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop!
Who are you?
Herbert: I'm your son.
Father: Not you!
Lance: Uhm, I'm Sir Lancelot, sir.
Herbert: He's come to rescue me, father.
Lance: Well, now let's not jump to conclusions...
Say, say, these are nice curtains...
Herbert: Aren't they?
Lance: They're wonderful! Wherever did you find them?
Herbert: Well, there's a little chap with a stock of adorable fabrics...
Father: Excuse me! Did you kill those guards?
Lance: Uhm, oh, yes... Sorry.
Father: They cost nine pence each!
Lance: Well, sir, I'm awfully sorry! But I can explain!
Herbert: Don't be afraid of him, Sir Lancelot. I've got a rope here all ready!
Father: You killed eight wedding guests!
Lance: Er, you see, the thing is: I thought your son here was a lady...
Father: I can understand that!
Herbert: Hurry, brave Sir Lancelot.
Father: You killed the bride's father!
Lance: Oh, no. Oh, dear. I didn't really mean to...
Father: Didn't mean to? You put a sword right through his head.
Lance: Gosh, is he all right?
Father: You kicked the bride in the chest!
Lance: Oh, well, now she was asking for it, sir.
Father: This is going to cost me a fortune!
Herbert: I am ready, let us decent please!
Father: Would you, uh, like to come and have a drink?
Lance: I say, was the entirely necessary?
I do believe you just killed that poor little fellow.
Father: Oh, let's not bicker and argue about who killed who.
After all, I am a recently bereaved father, who has just
lost his son, my boy Herbert, who has just fallen to his death.
Herbert: I'm not quite dead.
Father: Herbert!
Herbert: I'm feeling much better.
Father: You fell from the Tall Tower, you creep!
Herbert: No, I was saved at the last minute.
Father: How?!
Herbert: Well, I'll tell you...
Father: No no no no no. Not like that! Stop it!
Herbert: I'M GOING TO TELL
Concorde & Guards: HE'S GOING TO TELL
Herbert: I'M GOING TO TELL
Father: I'll make you stop it!
Lance: Leave him alone!
This poor little chap is your son, sir. All he ever wanted was a little love
and affection, but did you ever give it to him? No, no.
I'll wager you denied him. You try to kill him, and worse, worse than that,
you try to marry him off to some girl,
some, some female that he obviously has no feelings for whatsoever.
Yes, I know a little bit about bullying fathers, you bastard.
Have you no heart?
Have you no tenderness? Can't you see that
all he's asking for is a little love and understanding?
Is that too much to ask?
Is it...
too much...
to ask?!
Father: My God, you're gay!
Herbert: LANCELOT, YOU MIGHT AS WELL JUST FESS UP
REALLY, YOU'RE A DIFF'RENT KIND OF GUY!
MOVE ASIDE YOUR SCABBARD
FOR UNDERNEATH YOUR TABARD
THERE IS WAITING TO ESCAPE A BUTTERFLY!
Men: HIS... NAME... IS LANCELOT! AND IN TIGHT PANTS A LOT!
HE LIKES TO DANCE A LOT! YOU KNOW YOU DO!
Lance: I DO?
Men: SO JUST SAY, "THANKS, A LOT!" AND TRY ROMANCE,
IT'S HOT! LET'S FIND OUT WHO'S REALLY YOU!
HIS NAME IS LANCELOT. HE VISITS FRANCE A LOT.
HE LIKES TO DANCE A LOT AND DREAM!
NO ONE WOULD EVER KNOW THAT THIS OUTRAGEOUS PRO
BATS FOR THE OTHER TEAM!
Herbert: YOU'RE A KNIGHT WHO REALLY LIKES HIS NIGHT LIFE
AND BY DAY YOU REALLY LIKE TO PLAY!
YOU CAN ALL FIND HIM PUMPING AT THE GYM
AT THE CAMELOT Y.M.C.A.!
Men: HIS NAME IS LANCELOT. JUST WATCH HIM DANCE-A-LOT.
HE DOESN'T CARE WHAT PEOPLE SAY!
FOR WHEN HE STARTS TO DANCE
JUST GRAB YOUR UNDERPANTS!
Herbert: HE CAN FINALLY COME OUT AND SAY THAT HE IS G.A.Y.
Men: M.C.A!
HE'S GAY!
Lance: OKAY!
Arthur: Now, how many Jews have we got so far?
Patsy: Well, lets see... none, sir.
Arthur: Oh this is hopeless. This is so depressing.
I don't know a single Jewish person.
And how on earth are we going to get on Broadway? This's a
thousand years in the future in a country that hasn't yet
been discovered.
So let me get this straight. I'm a King, without a single knight to command.
There's nobody. I'm absolutely alone.
I'M ALL ALONE, ALL BY MYSELF
THERE IS NO ONE HERE BESIDE ME
I'M ALL ALONE, QUITE ALL ALONE
NO ONE TO COMFORT ME OR GUIDE ME
WHY IS THERE NO ONE HERE WITH ME ON THE LONG AND
WINDING ROAD? TO LIFT MY HEAVY LOAD?
IF THERE WAS SOMEONE HERE WITH ME
HOW HAPPY I WOULD BE
BUT I'M ALONE SO ALL ALONE
ALL BY MYSELF I'M ALL ALONE
Arthur: I'M ALL ALONE
Patsy: HE'S ALL ALONE
Arthur: ALL BY MYSELF
Patsy: EXCEPT FOR ME
Arthur: I CANNOT FACE TOMORROW
Patsy: HE CANNOT FACE IT!
Arthur: I'M ALL ALONE
Patsy: THOUGH I AM HERE...
Arthur: QUITE ALL ALONE
Patsy: SO VERY NEAR
Arthur: NO ONE TO SHARE MY SORROW.
Patsy: YOU KNOW IT SEEMS QUITE CLEAR TO ME
BECAUSE I'M WORKING CLASS
I AM JUST THE HORSE'S ASS
HE SELLS ME DOWN THE RIVER
SO WHAT AM I? CHOPPED LIVER?
Arthur: BUT I'M ALONE
Patsy: OH, NO, YOU'RE NOT!
Arthur: SO ALL ALONE
Patsy: I'M HERE YOU TWAT!
Arthur: ALL BY MYSELF I'M ALL ALONE
Patsy & Knights: HE'S ALL ALONE!
Arthur: I'M ALL ALONE
Patsy & Knights: ALL BY HIMSELF
Arthur: ALL BY MYSELF
Patsy & Knights: THERE IS NO ONE HERE BESIDE HIM. HE'S ALL ALONE.
Arthur: SO ALL ALONE
Patsy & Knights: APART FROM US
NO ONE TO COMFORT HIM OR GUIDE HIM
Arthur: EACH ONE OF US IS ALL ALONE
SO WHAT ARE WE TO DO IN ORDER TO GET THROUGH?
WE MUST BE LONELY SIDE BY SIDE
IT'S A PERFECT WAY TO HIDE
Knights: WE'RE ALL ALONE
Arthur: WE'RE ALL ALONE
Knights: YES, ALL ALONE
Arthur: SO ALL ALONE
ALL BY OURSELVES
WE'RE ALL... ALONE.
Lady: But you're not alone Arthur. Haven't you noticed?
I've been with you all the time.
Who gave you the sword, who made you King,
who welcomed you to Camelot, who helped you off on your quest?
Sure, I've been off stage for far too long,
but I am here to help you and I always have been.
Arthur: You see, Patsy? I'm not alone!
Patsy: No, sir.
Arthur: The Lady of the Lake has been with me all the time.
Lady: And so has Patsy!
Arthur: Well, yes, but... Patsy's family.
Lady: You see, Arthur dear, we're all here to help each other.
Arthur: Can you help me get to Broadway?
Lady: Yes! You are on Broadway!
Arthur: Oh, my!
Lady: You've been on Broadway all the time!
Arthur: Hi. Hello.
Are there any Jews here?
Patsy: Uhm, the truth is, I'm Jewish, sir.
Arthur: You are?
Patsy: Yes, Sir, on my mother's side.
Arthur: Well, why didn't you say so?
Patsy: Well, it's not the sort of thing you say
to a heavily armed Christian.
Arthur: So now what?
Lady: Well, you have to finish the show. It is Broadway, so you have
to find the Grail and end with a wedding.
Arthur: Well, who could I possibly marry?
Lady: Well, lets see... It would have to be someone who loved you
Arthur: Yes.
Lady: and who cared for you enough to give you a sword,
Arthur: Uh uh.
Lady: to make you King,
Arthur: Yup.
Lady: to welcome you to Camelot,
Arthur: Yes.
Lady: to help you off on your quest...
Arthur: You!
Lady: Oh, that's an idea.
Arthur: But, but I thought you were a fairy?
Lady: Oh, no, that's Lancelot...
Oh, you missed that scene!
Anyways, Arthur, I'm as human as you are.
Arthur: And you would consent to be my bride?
Lady: Are you asking?
Arthur: Are you saying yes?
Lady: Oh Arthur!
Both: TWICE IN EVERY SHOW
THERE COMES A SONG LIKE THIS
IT STARTS OFF SOFT AND LOW
AND ENDS UP WITH A KISS
OH THIS IS THE SCENE THAT ENDS LIKE THIS!
Lady: Find the Grail, Arthur, and when you do, I will be there,
waiting for you. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye!
Tim: Greetings!
Arthur: What manner of man are you that hovers in the air
without string or visible supporting device?
Tim: I am an enchanter.
Arthur: By what name are you known?
Tim: There are some who call me... Tim.
Arthur: Wow. Tim. What a really scary name.
Arthur: Greetings, Oh Tim!
Tim: Greetings, King Arthur!
Arthur: Oh you know my name.
Tim: I do! You seek the Holy Grail on Broadway.
Arthur: You know much that is hidden, Oh Tim.
Tim: Quite!
Below lies the cave of Caerbannog,
wherein carved upon the very living rock,
there be a clue which shall lead you directly to your goal.
But... think well before you step into this cave,
for the entrance way is guarded by a beast so foul,
so, so cruel, no man yet has fought this evil beast and lived.
so be you warned brave knights,
for death awaits you all with nasty great big pointy
nasty big teeth!
Arthur: What an eccentric performance!
Come on!
Tim: Too late! There it is!
Arthur: Where?
Tim: There!
Arthur: What, behind the rabbit?
Tim: It is the rabbit!
Arthur: Hear, you silly sod! You got us all worked up!
Tim: Look this is no ordinary rabbit!
This is the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent
you ever set eyes on.
Robin: What's he do, nibble your bum?
Tim: You all, this rabbit has got a vicious streak a mile wide. It's a killer!
Robin: You tit! I soiled my armor I was so scared!
Arthur: Go and change!
Patsy: Get stuffed, you Scottish pansy!
Tim: It'll do you up a treat, mate!
Patsy: Oh, yeah?
Bedevere: You manky Scots git!
Tim: I am warning you...
Arthur: Bors! Go on, Bors. Chop his head off!
Bors: Right! Silly little bleeder. One rabbit stew coming right up!
Arthur: Jesus Christ!
Tim: I warned you! He's not so tall now, is he?
Oh, but, you knew it all, didn't you?
Oh, it's just a harmless little bunny, ha, ha, ha.
Well, it's always the same folks,
I always tell them but do they listen?
Never, ever!
Arthur: We'd better not risk another frontal assault,
that Rabbit is dynamite.
Bedevere: Well, we have the Holy Hand Grenade.
Arthur: Of course! The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch!
'Tis one of the sacred relics that Brother Maynard carries with him!
Brother Maynard! Bring on the Holy Hand Grenade!
How does it work brother?
Maynard: The Book of Armaments, Chapter 1, Verses 9 through 27.
"And Saint Attila raised the holy hand grenade on high, saying,
'Oh, Lord, bless this thy hand grenade that with
it thou mayest blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.'
And the Lord did grin, and the people did feast upon the lambs,
and stoats, and carp, and anchovies, and orangutans,
and breakfast cereals, and fruit bars, and large...
Arthur: Yo, skip a bit, brother.
Maynard: "And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out
the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three, no more, no less.
Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the
counting shalt be three. Four shalt thou not count,
nor neither count thou two, excepting that thou
then proceed to three. Five is right out.
Once the number three, being the third number,
be reached, then lobbest thou the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch
towards thy foe,
who being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it." Amen.
All: Amen.
Maynard: And now the Congregation shall rise and sing Hymn 101:
"Get Your Hand Off My Knee, You Dirty Old Bastard."
Knights: GET YOUR HAND OFF MY KNEE, YOU DIRTY OLD BASTARD!
Arthur: There's no time for that. Right! One... two... five!
Bedevere: Three, sir!
Arthur: Three!
Bedevere: Behold, Sire, the clue. Aioi!
Arthur: Aioi? That's a bit cryptic isn't it?
Bedevere: Sire, perhaps it's Hebrew... ay- oy!
Lance: Maybe it's aioli?
Arthur: What's that?
Lance: Aioli is a delicious garlic mayonnaise.
Bedevere: Maybe he was passing out...
Arthur: Well, he'd hardly bother to carve that in the rock.
Dennis: Could it be an eye for an eye?
Arthur: Oh, that's good.
Bedevere: Sire, I wonder if it could be a number.
Arthur: Well, it could be, but how would that help?
Bedevere: Well, we would need to find something numbered A101.
Arthur: A101...
Arthur: A101...
Dennis: It's probably right under our feet!
Arthur: O Lord we are a bit stumped with the clue thing
and we beseech thee to give us a hand.
Of course. It is in the audience. Row A, Seat 101!
Patsy: It's you! Stand up, peasant.
Oh, Sire, look! We have found the Holy Grail!
Bedevere: How very clever.
It was through the Fourth Wall.
Arthur: Of course the Grail will always be found in the hearts
of those who gather together and believe in it.
Robin; Oh, Sire, shall we reward this humble peasant who has been
fortunate enough to be sitting on the Grail?
Arthur: Absolutely, bring forth the peasant!
Arthur: How are you doing, peasant?
What's your name?
Steve: Steve Herrenburgh.
Arthur: Steve Herrenburgh.
Steve Herrenburgh, your name will be revered in New York forever!
Along with the names of Mad Giuliani and Jerry Butterfield!
You have been nominated for an
Arthur, for Best Peasant in New York!
Patsy, the envelope please.
Patsy: And the Arthur goes to...Very exciting for you...
Steve Herrenburgh!
Arthur: People of New York, let us give thanks to Steve Herrenburgh,
the Peasant who has helped us find the Holy Grail here in New York City!
All: THE HOLY GRAIL'S BEEN FOUND
THIS PEASANT IS RENOWNED THANKS TO STEVE HERRENBURGH
THE HOLY GRAIL'S BEEN FOUND.
FINALLY FOUND!
Arthur: Steve Herrenburgh!
And now we can finish with a wedding.
Arthur: Wow, Lady, you look amazing... But wait,
I can't just call you Lady. Do you have a name?
Lady: Everybody has a name, Arthur.
Arthur: Well, what's yours?
Lady: My name is Guinevere.
Arthur: Guinevere, will you marry me?
Lady: Hm... Let me think...
Alright.
Women: WE ARE NOT YET WED AND WE'RE NEARLY AT THE END
IT IS TIME THAT WE WENT AND FOUND A FRIEND.
IS THERE SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP US IN OUR QUEST?
WE'RE ALREADY DRESSED ALTHOUGH WE'RE NOT YET WED.
Men: WE ARE NOT YET DEAD THAT'S THE BEST THING TO BE SAID
OH! WE ARE NOT YET DEAD SO WE MIGHT AS WELL GET WED!
COULD IT BE MUCH WORSE? IS MARRIAGE SUCH A CURSE?
All: WE MIGHT AS WELL GET MARRIED 'COS WE ARE NOT YET WED!
Herbert: So you see it's all a show. Happy ending and all,
and that just makes me want... to sing...
WHEN YOU'RE LOST ON LIFE'S TRAIL
AND YOU FEEL DOOMED TO FAIL
DO NOT FAIL FIND YOUR MALE!
FIND YOUR MALE, THAT'S YOUR GRAIL!
Lance: Just think Herbert in a thousand years time
this will still be controversial.
Robin: And I too have found my Grail!
All: What's that?
Robin: Musical theatre!
YOU CAN SING YOU CAN DANCE
AND YOU WON'T SOIL YOUR PANTS!
IN YOUR WHITE TIE AND TAILS
FIND YOUR GRAIL, FIND YOUR GRAIL!
Ensemble: HALLELUJAH!
A PERFECT WEDDING!
Arthur and Lady: SO BE STRONG
Ensemble: HERE COMES THE BRIDE!
Both: KEEP RIGHT ON
Ensemble: HERE COMES THE GROOM!
Both: TO THE END OF YOUR SONG
Ensemble: HALLELUJAH!
Lady: FIND YOUR GRAIL, FIND YOUR MALE
Arthur: DRESSED IN MAIL, FIND YOUR GRAIL
Ensemble: SING HALLELUJAH! THEY FOUND THEIR GRAIL!
Arthur: LIFE IS REALLY UP TO YOU. YOU MUST CHOOSE WHAT TO PURSUE
Ensemble: A BROADWAY WEDDING!
Lady: SET YOUR MIND ON WHAT TO FIND
Both: AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN'T DO.
All: GO AND FIND YOUR GRAIL
Father: Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!
No more bloody singing!!
All: FOR THIS IS THE SHOW THAT ENDS LIKE THIS!
All: ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE...
ALWAYS LOOK ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF LIFE...
IF LIFE SEEMS JOLLY ROTTEN THERE'S SOMETHING YOU'VE FORGOTTEN
AND THAT'S TO LAUGH AND SMILE AND DANCE AND SING
WHEN YOU'RE FEELING IN THE DUMPS DON'T BE SILLY CHUMPS
JUST PURSE YOUR LIPS AND WHISTLE THAT'S THE THING
AND ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE
ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT...
SIDE OF LIFE! SIDE OF LIFE! SIDE OF LIFE!