Monty Python Live (Mostly) (2014) - full transcript

Lovely Spam! Lovely Spam!

Lovely Spam!

Lovely Spa-a-a

a-a-a-m

Lovely Spam! Lovely Spam!

Lovely Spam!
Spam, spam, spam, spam!

Always look on the bright side of life

Always look on the bright side

Of life

Olé!

Señoras, señores y señoritas,
buenas noches.



Buenas Noches.

- ¡Olé!
- ¡Olé!

Who would have thought 40 years ago,

we'd all be sitting here
doing Monty Python, eh?

Aye, aye.

In them days,
we was glad to have the price of a cup of tea.

- Cup of cold tea.
- Aye.

Without milk or sugar.

- Or tea.
- In a cracked cup and all.

We never used to have a cup.

We used to have to drink it
out of a roll of newspaper.

Best we could manage
was to suck on a piece of damp cloth.

But you know we were happy in those days,
although we were poor.

- Because we were poor.
- Right.



My old dad used to say to me,
"Money doesn't buy you happiness, son."

He was right.

I was happier in those days
and I had nothing.

We used to live in this tiny,
old chumble-down house,

with great big holes in the roof.

You were lucky to have a house.

There were 26 of us in one room.
No furniture, half the floor were missing.

We were all huddled in one corner
for fear of falling.

You were lucky to have a room.
We used to live in corridor.

We used to dream of living in a corridor.

Would have been a palace to us.

We used to live in an old water tank
on a rubbish tip.

Got woke up every morning by having a load
of rotting fish dumped all over us.

House.

Well, when I say "house,"
it was only a hole in the ground,

covered by a sheet of tarpaulin,
but it was a house to us.

We were evicted from our hole in the ground.

We had to go and live in the swamp.

You were lucky to have a swamp.

There were 150 of us living in a shoe box,
in the middle of road.

- Cardboard box?
- Aye.

You were lucky.

We lived for three months in
a rolled up newspaper in a septic tank.

We used to have to get up at 6:00
in the morning, clean the newspaper,

go to work down the mill 14 hours a day,
week in week out, for six pence a week.

When we got home,

our dad
would thrash us to sleep with his belt.

Luxury.

We used to get up out of the swamp
at 3:00 in the morning,

drain the swamp, eat a hard boiled twig,

work 19 hours at mill for a shilling a year,
and when we got home,

our dad would flog us to sleep
with a cat-o'-nine-tails

if we were lucky.

Paradise.

We had it tough.

We used to have to get up
out of shoe box in middle of night,

and lick road clean with our tongues.

We had to eat
half a handful of freezing cold gravel,

work 24 hours a day at mill
for four pence every six years,

and when we got home,

our dad would slice us in two
with bread knife.

Right.

I had to get up in the morning
at 10:00 at night,

half an hour before I went to bed.

Eat a lump of cold poison,
work 29 hours a day down mill,

and pay mill owner
for permission to come to work,

and when we got home,

our dad would kill us and dance
about on our graves singing hallelujah.

Aye.

You try and tell
the young people of today that,

and they won't believe you.

Wasn't that terrific, ladies and gentlemen?
Really great.

Now, the next item on the program is...

I can't stand it, man.
Really, I've had it with this idiot.

Every night,
making me say the most annoying...

Really terrific act.
Now, the next item on the...

Mouth's gone... it's gone away.
Gonna find someone a bit cooler, maybe?

I mean, it can't be that hard.

I got experience...

Know how he feels...

Welcome aboard, British-er pig.

Fritz, the tables
seem to have turned, old chap.

Greetings capitalist pig,

very sorry, but must inform
you that you are now our prisoner.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
You look and smell divine.

Welcome to Monty's musical,
the show that leaves you wanting less.

And, a very big hand please,
for Terry Gilliam.

Here's a little number
I tossed off recently in the Caribbean.

Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis?

Isn't it frightfully good to have a dong

It's swell to have a stiffy
It's divine to own a dick

From the tiniest little tadger
To the world's biggest prick

So, three cheers for your willy
or John Thomas

Hooray for your one-eyed trouser snake

Your piece of pork
Your wife's best friend

Your Percy or your cock

You can wrap it up in ribbons
you can slip it in your sock

But don't take it out in public
or they'll stick you in the dock

And you won't a-come a-back

Thank you very much, indeed.
Thank you so much.

Thank you.

I'd like to thank the Navy, and here they are.

Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis?

Isn't it frightfully good to have a dong?

It's swell to have a stiffy

It's divine to own a dick

From the tiniest little tadger
To the world's biggest prick

So three cheers for your willy
or John Thomas

Hooray for your one-eyed trouser snake

Your piece of pork
Your wife's best friend

Your Percy or your cock

You can wrap it up in ribbons
You can slip it in your sock

But don't take it out in public
Or they'll stick you in the dock

And you won't come back

It's fun to own your own vagina

It's great to have your friendly thatch

Your minge, your twat, your kitty cat

Your nest, your nasty or your snatch

It's great to have a monkey furrow

Your finger pie, your lunch box
or your catch

Your camel toe, your bearded clam
Your bottom at the front

Your monkey minge, your muffin

Or your old Sir Berkeley Hunt

Your honey pot, your hairy friend

But never call it "cunt"

Or we won't come back

Isn't it awfully nice to own a bottom

Isn't it frightfully good to have an arse

It's swell to own a tushy
it's divine to have a scut

From the skinniest little buttocks
to the world's largest butt

Three cheers for your posterior or anus

Hooray for your lovely sit-upon

Your fundament, your fanny

Your cheeky little dear

Your rump, your haunch, your hams,
your stern, your fanny or your rear

But be careful how you handle it
or you'll be caught I fear

And you won't come back

Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis...

It's fun to own your own vagina

It's great to have your friendly thatch

It's swell to have a stiffy
It's divine to own a dick

...your kitty cat

Your nest, your nasty or your snatch...

So, three cheers for your willy...

It's great to have a monkey furrow

Your finger pie, your lunch box
or your catch...

Your piece of pork, your wife's best friend
Your Percy or your cock

Your bottom at the front

Your monkey minge, your muffin
But don't take it out in public

Or they'll stick you in the dock

And you won't come back

No, Sir!
No, you won't come back

No, sir!

Company, by the right...

dress!

Company, camp it hup!

My goodness me!

I'm in a bad temper today, all right!

Two, three, damn, damn
Two, three, I'm vexed and ratty

Two, three, and hopping mad

Stamp, stamp
Get her, whoops

I've got your number, ducky

You couldn't afford me, dear

Two, three, I'd scratch your eyes out
Two, three, meow

Two, three
don't come the Rear Admiral bit with us, dear

We all know where you've been
You Royal Naval fairy

Two, three, left, right, left, right
who's kissing us tonight

Whoops, don't look now, girls

the captain's just minced in
with that dolly little seaman

Two, three, ooh
Two, three, hello sailor!

Company, today, you go off to war,
and my God, I wish I was coming with you.

When I first went to fight, I had two arms.

Two good arms,
but when the time came to give them,

I gave them, I gave them gladly.

I sang and laughed as they sawed them off,

because I believed
that there was a future for mankind

if men were prepared to give their limbs.

And not just men,
but their women folk, too,

And our children,
and our children's children's limbs,

and our children's children's limbs.

And what about our pets?

- Why should the little bastards get off...
- Stop that sketch.

- Why should the little bastards get off...
- Stop that sketch.

Now, nobody likes a good laugh
more than I do.

Except perhaps, my wife,
and some of her friends.

Yes, and Captain Johnson.

Come to think of it, most people
like a good laugh more than I do.

But that's beside the point.

Now, let's have a good, clean,
healthy outdoor sketch.

Get some air into your lungs.
Ten, nine, eight, and all that.

There are pages in history's book,
which are written on the grand scale.

Events so momentous,
that they dwarf man and time alike.

And such was the Battle of Pearl Harbor,

re-enacted for us now by the
women of the Batley Townswomen's Guild.

Miss Rita Thurbanks, you organised

this reconstruction of
the battle of Pearl Harbor, Why?

Well, we've always been
extremely interested in modern drama.

We were of course,

the first Townswomen's Guild
to perform Camp on Blood Island,

and last year, of course,

we did an extremely popular re-enactment
of Nazi war atrocities.

And so, this year, we thought
we'd like to do something in a lighter vein.

- So, you chose the battle of Pearl Harbor?
- Yes that's right, we did.

Well, I can see you're all ready to go,

So, I'll just wish you good luck
in your latest venture.

Thank you very much, young man.

Ladies and gentlemen,
the World of History is proud to present

the premiere of
the Batley Townswomen's Guild

re-enactment of the battle of Pearl Harbor.

Oh dear. We're not about to allow
this sort of smutchly showing on screen.

Michelangelo to see you, Your Holiness.

What?

Michelangelo, the famous Renaissance artist,

whose best known works include,

the celebrated statue of David
without any underpants.

In 1514...

Yes, yes, they've got it now,
they've got it now.

- What? What?
- Go away.

I was just trying to be informative.

Go away.

Right. Exits.

- Good evening, Your Holiness.
- Good evening, Michelangelo.

Now, I want to have a word with you about
this painting of yours, the Last Supper.

- Oh yeah?
- I'm not happy with it.

Oh, dear. It took me hours.

Not happy at all.

- Is it the jelly you don't like?
- Jelly?

I mean,
they do add a bit of colour, don't they?

I know what it is.
You don't like the kangaroo.

- What kangaroo?
- Never mind, I'll paint him out.

- I never saw a kangaroo.
- Well, he's at the back with the llama,

Doesn't matter,
I'll make him into one of the Disciples.

- Okay?
- That's the problem.

- What is?
- The Disciples.

Are they too Jewish?

I made Judas the most Jewish.

No, it's just that there are 28 of them.

- Too many?
- Well, of course it's too many.

Yeah, I know, but I wanted to give
the impression of a real Last Supper,

not just like a last snack or a final meal.

But a real mother of a Last Supper.

There were only 12 Disciples
at the Last Supper.

Well, maybe, some of their friends
dropped by after dinner for a drink.

No friends.

- Waiters?
- No waiters.

- Cabaret.
- No cabaret.

You see, I like the crowd,
it helps to flesh out the scene.

I could lose a few, I suppose.

- Look, there were only 12 Disciples...
- I've got it.

- We'll call it, "The Last But One Supper."
- What?

Well, if there was a last one,
there must have been a one before that.

So, this will be the Penultimate Supper.

The Bible doesn't say
how many people were there now, does it?

- No, no.
- Well, there you are, then.

Well, look, look,

The Last Supper
was a significant event in the life of our Lord.

The Penultimate Supper was not,

even if they had a mariachi band
and a conjurer.

Now, I commissioned
a Last Supper from you,

and a Last Supper I want,
with 12 Disciples,

and one Christ!

One?

Yes, one!

Now, will you tell me what in God's name

possessed you to paint this
with three Christs in it?

- It works, mate.
- Works?

Yeah, it looks great.

The fat one balances the two skinny ones.

There was only one redeemer!

I know that, we all know that.

- I want one...
- What about a bit of artistic licence?

I want one Messiah.

I'll tell you what you want,
you want a bloody photographer,

that's what you bloody well want.
Not an artistic creator.

I'll tell you what I want.

I want a Last Supper with 12 Disciples,
one Christ,

no steel bands, no trampoline acts,

no kangaroos by Thursday lunch,
or you don't get paid.

Bloody fascist.

Look, I'm the head of
the fucking Catholic Church, I am,

so, watch it.

You know what makes that special?

Yes.

Yes.

There are Jews in the world
there are Buddhists

There are Hindus and Mormons

And then

There are those who all follow Mohammed

But I've never been one of them

I'm a Roman Catholic

And have been since before I was born

And the one thing
they say about Catholics is

They'll take you as soon as you're warm

You don't have to be a six footer

You don't have to have a great brain

You don't have to have any clothes on

You're a Catholic the moment Dad came

Because

Every sperm is sacred

Every sperm is great

If a sperm is wasted

God gets in a bate

Every sperm is sacred

Every sperm is great

If a sperm is wasted

God gets quite irate

Let the Heathens spill theirs

On the dusty ground

God shall make them pay

For each sperm that can't be found

Every sperm is wanted

Every sperm is good

Every sperm is needed

In your neighbourhood

Hindu, Taoist, Mormon

Spill theirs just anywhere

But God loves those who treat

their semen with more care

Every sperm is sacred

Every sperm is boss

If a sperm is wasted

God can get quite cross

Every sperm is holy

Every drop divine

But God needs everybody's

- Mine
- And mine

And mine

Let the pagans spill theirs

On mountain, hill and plain

God shall strike them down for

Each sperm that's spilled in vain

Every sperm is sacred

Every sperm is true

Every sperm is needed

Even in O2

Every sperm is sacred

Every sperm is great

If a sperm is wasted

God gets quite

irate

God gets quite

irate

Bloody Catholics.

Filling up the bloody world
with bloody people,

they can't afford to bloody feed.

What are we, dear?

Protestant and fiercely proud of it.

Why do they have so many children?

Because every time
they have sexual intercourse,

they have to have a baby.

But it's the same with us, Harry.

What do you mean?

Well, we've got two children,
and we've had sexual intercourse twice.

That's not the point,
we can have it whenever we want.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Because we don't believe
in all that papist clap trap,

we can take precautions.

What, you mean lock the door?

No. I mean as members of
the Protestant Reformed Church,

that successfully challenged
the autocratic power of the papacy

in the early part of the 16th century,

we can wear little rubber devices
to prevent issue.

What do you mean?

I could, if I wanted,
have sexual intercourse with you.

Yes, Harry.

And thanks to Martin Luther and his friends,
I could wear a sheath.

- What, a dress?
- No, no.

A rubber sheath over my own fella
to ensure that when I came off,

you would not be impregnated.

Yes, that's what
being a Protestant's all about.

It doesn't stop with a simple condom, no.
I could wear French ticklers.

You what?

French ticklers, crocodile ribs,
black mambos, wafer thin condoms.

Designed not only to protect, but
enhance the stimulation of sexual congress.

Have you got one?

Have I got one? Well, no.

But I could go down the road any time
and walk into Boots with my head held high,

and say, "Mr Boot,
I want you to sell me a condom.

"In fact, I think I'll have a Mexican tickler.

"For, I am a Protestant,

"and that is best thing to be
because that is what God wants."

You people really piss me off!

I'm sorry I invented you.
It was a really bad idea.

Sex, sex, sex,
that's all you bloody humans think about.

That, and trying to blow smoke up my arse
with endless prayers.

It's so boring.

Now, this is supposed to be a funny show,
so, for my sake, get on with it.

And, welcome to Munich
for the 27th City Olympiad,

an event held traditionally every 3.7 years,

which, this year,
has brought together competitors

from over four million different countries.

And here we are
at the start of the first event of the afternoon,

the second semi-final of the 100 yards
for people with no sense of direction.

Let's see the competitors,

Lane one, Kolomovski of Poland
Lane two, Zatapatique of France.

Lane three, Gropovich of the United States.
Next to him, Drabble of Trinidad.

Next to him, Fernandez of Spain,
and in the outside lane, Bormann of Brazil.

And now, over to the swimming.

And you join us here
at the Bundesabsurd pool,

just in time to see the start of
the 200 metres freestyle for non-swimmers.

Watch for the tough Australian champion,
Ron Barnett in the second lane.

Well, we'll be bringing you back here the
moment they start fishing the corpses out,

but now over to Hans Clay for the start of
the marathon for incontinence.

Well, we've got
an enormous entry for this event.

Forty-four competitors
from 29 different countries,

all of them with
the most superbly weak bladders.

Not a tight sphincter in sight.

Ready to embark, nevertheless,
on the world's longest race,

and they're just aching to go.

On your marks! Get set!

And they're off, they're off.

And now, the high jump.

Katerina Ovelenskij for the Soviet Union,

But what a jump! What a jump!
That will probably be a record!

And here we are
at the 3,000 metre steeple chase

for people who think they're chickens.

There's Samuelsson of the United States
and over there, is Klaus of East Germany.

He's been a Rhode Island Red now
for the last three Olympics.

And there's the referee
trying to get them going...

Where is the leader?

Abe Seagull of Canada, he went off,

got a very good start and then settled down
on the water jump, and has now gone loopy.

Now, we're back with the marathon
for incontinence once again.

There's Polinski of Poland in the lead,

and now, Brewer of Australia has taken over.

Brewer has overtaken him,
but he's gone to spend a penny

There goes Burt to spend a penny
and there goes Gurdich of Austria,

And so now it's Alvarez of Cuba,
followed by the plucky Norwegian Borg.

They're in and out like yo-yo's, boys!
And there's MacDonald!

MacDonald is coming back, but he
can't hold... Here's Immacuvich.

Immacuvich of Yugoslavia is making it...
and he can't hold it either.

Well, well,
these must be some of the weakest bladders

ever to represent their countries.

And now, let's have a look back
at what's going on down on the stage.

- Mr Anchovy.
- Hello.

- Do sit down.
- Thank you.

- Take the weight of the feet, eh?
- Yes, yes, yes.

Lovely weather for the time of year, eh?

Enough of this gay banter.

Now I understand you asked us to advise you

what was the best job in life,
as your profession.

- That is correct.
- Right.

Now I have the results here of the interviews,
the aptitude test that you did last week

and I think we've managed
to build up a pretty clear picture

of the sort of person you are.

I think I can say without fear of contradiction

that the ideal job for you
is chartered accountancy.

But I am a chartered accountant.

Good for you. Well back to the office then.
Well done.

No, you don't understand.
I've been a chartered accountant for 20 years.

I want a new job.

Something exciting that will let me live.

Accountancy is quite exciting, isn't it?

Exciting? No it's not.

It's dull, dull, dull.

My God it's dull.

It's deadly dull,

and tedious and boring and stuffy

and desperately dull.

Yes, Mr Anchovy,
but you see your report here says that

you are an extremely dull fellow.

Our experts describe you as appallingly dull,

unimaginative, timid, lacking in initiative,

spineless, easily dominated,

no sense of humour, tedious company

and irrepressibly drab and awful.

And whereas in other professions
these would be considerable drawbacks,

in chartered accountancy
they're a positive boon.

But I came here to find a new job, a new life,

a new meaning to my existence.

Can't you help me?

Well do you have any idea
what you want to do?

Yes I have.

Lion taming.

Lion taming?

Yes, it's a bit of a jump, isn't it?

You know, chartered accountancy
to lion taming in one go,

you don't think it might be better
to work your way towards lion taming?

Say, via insurance or something like that?

- No, no.
- No?

I don't want to wait. Nine o'clock tomorrow,

I want to be in there, taming.

Yes, but do you have any qualifications?

I've got a hat.

- A hat?
- Yeah, a hat.

A lion tamer's hat.

A hat with "Lion Tamer" written on it.
I bought it at Harrods.

- I see.
- Yeah, yeah.

It lights up at night saying "Lion Tamer"
in big red neon letters,

so you can tame them after dark,

- when they're less stroppy.
- Yes, yes.

And during the day you can turn it off

and claim reasonable wear and tear
as allowable professional expenses

- under paragraph 335 B...
- Mr Anchovy,

if I now ring up Bertram Mills and say,

"Look, I've got a 45 year old
chartered accountant here

"who wants to become a lion tamer."

Their first question is not going to be,
"Does he have his own hat?"

You see, they're more likely to ask
about your experience with lions.

Well, I've seen them at the zoo.

Yes, well that's a start.

Yes, small brown furry creature,
with short stumpy legs

and great long curved noses.

I don't know what all the fuss is about.
I could tame one of those.

They look pretty tame to start with.

Now these, these lions of yours,

how tall are they?

Well, about so high. They don't frighten me.

And do they, by any chance, eat ants?

Got it.

Well, I think what you've got there,
Mr Anchovy, is an anteater, not a lion.

- What?
- You see a lion is a huge savage brute,

about five feet tall, ten feet long,
weighing about 500 pounds.

They run 40 miles an hour

and they have huge,
very sharp pointed teeth,

and nasty vicious razor sharp claws

that could rip your belly open
before you could say Jack Robinson,

and they look like this.

Shit.

Actually I quite like your idea perhaps,

of making the transition
to lion taming via easier stages.

- You know, maybe via insurance.
- Or banking.

- Banking.
- Banking.

Oh, Banking. There's a man's life.

Banking, travel, excitement, adventure,

decisions affecting people's lives.

So, shall I call the bank?

- Yeah.
- Yes?

No, no, no. No look, just give me
a couple of weeks to think about it,

because it's a big, it is a big decision.
Maybe I'll just...

- Or maybe three weeks.
- Give it a month.

- A month. Yeah.
- Give it a month.

Well, can I tell you something?

Yes?

I never really wanted to be a lion tamer.

I wanted to be...

A systems analyst.

Systems...

And then I got this postcard
from my Auntie in Canada

and it looked wonderful.

I realised the one thing
I wanted was to be a lumberjack.

Leaping from tree to tree

As they float down
the mighty rivers of British Columbia

The giant Redwood

The Larch

The mighty Scots Pine

With my best girl by my side

We'd sing, sing, sing

Oh, I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay

I sleep all night and I work all day

He's a lumberjack and he's okay

He sleeps all night and he works all day

I cut down trees, I eat my lunch
I go to the lavatory

On Wednesdays I go shopping

And have buttered scones for tea

He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch

He goes to the lavatory

On Wednesdays he goes shopping

And has buttered scones for tea

He's a lumberjack and he's okay

He sleeps all night and he works all day

I cut down trees, I skip and jump

I like to press wild flowers

I put on women's clothing

And hang around in bars

He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps

He likes to press wild flowers

He puts on women's clothing

And hangs around in bars?

He's a lumberjack and he's okay

He sleeps all night and he works all day

I cut down trees, I wear high heels

Suspendies and a bra

I wish I'd been a girlie

Just like my dear Papa

He cuts down trees, he wears high heels

Suspendies and a bra?

Disgusting.

Oh Bevis!

And I thought you were so butch.

He's a lumberjack and he's okay

He sleeps all night and he works all day

He's a lumberjack and he's okay

He sleeps all night and he works all day

Yeah.

Yes.

Charles Atlas, with his world's
most perfectly developed body.

Tired of being pushed around?

Would you like to do
some pushing around instead?

Would you like a body
that can't fail to attract women?

To be the envy of other men?

I must get one of those.

Just give me your skinny, scrawny little body
for just 15 minutes a day.

I've heard that one before, ducky.

With these, you'll have 50 pounds
of He-Man muscles on you.

Thick herculean arms,

a deep massive chest,

atomic powered legs,

shoulders a yard wide

and right in the privacy of your own home.

What's my secret?

It's dynamo tension.

Muscles pulling against muscles,
the natural way.

Here's living proof.

And there's no need to stop there.

So, don't delay.

Send today for my gigantic, free,
78 page muscle building course.

Postman.

And start building a body
you can be proud of.

Yes.

Yes.

Good afternoon and welcome to
a packed Olympic Stadium in Munich

for the second leg of this exciting final
of International Philosophy.

And over to your commentator, Juan Stoppa.

And here come the Germans now,
led by the skipper "Nobby" Hegel.

They must start favourites this afternoon.

They've certainly attracted
the most attention from the press

with their team problems.

And let's now see their line-up.

The Germans playing 4-2-4. Leibniz in goal.

Back four, Kant, Hegel,
Schopenhauer and Schelling.

Front runners Schlegel, Wittgenstein,
Nietzsche and Heidegger,

and the midfield duo of
Beckenbauer and Jaspers.

Beckenbauer, obviously,
a bit of a surprise there.

And here come the Greeks, led out
by their veteran centre half Heraclitus.

Let's look at their team. As you'd expect
it's a much more defensive line up.

Plato's in goal. Socrates a front runner there,
and Aristotle as sweeper.

Aristotle very much the man in form.

One surprise is the inclusion of Archimedes.

Well, here comes the referee,
Kung Fu Tsu Confucius

and his two linesmen
St Augustine and St Thomas Aquinas.

And as the two skippers
come together to shake hands

we're ready for the start
of this very exciting final.

The referee Mr Confucius checks his sand...

And, they're off.

Nietzsche and Hegel there.

Carl Jaspers number seven on the outside.
Wittgenstein there with him.

There's Beckenbauer.

Schelling's in there. Heidegger covering.

Schopenhauer.

And now it's the Greeks.
Epicurus, Plotinus number six.

Aristotle.

Empedocles of Acragas,
and Democratus with him.

There's Archimedes.

Socrates, there he is, Socrates.

Socrates there, going through.

There's the ball. There's the ball.

And Nietzsche there.
Nietzsche, number ten in this German side.

Kant moving up on the outside.

Schlegel's on the left.

The Germans moving very well
in these opening moments.

Well, there you are.

And we'll be returning to the match
sometime in the second half,

but right now it's time for...

Philosophy.

Hello there. How you doing?

How are you? How you doing?

- G'day, Bruce.
- G'day, Bruce.

G'day ladies and Bruces.

It's very nice to be here in the Oz arena.

O2, mate. It's a two.

I'm sorry, mate.
Thank you very much.

- So patriotic.
- Sorry.

We're all philosophy professors from
the University of Woolamaloo, Australia.

Australia, Australia, Australia.

We love you.

I teach Hegelian philosophy.

Bruce here teaches Aristotelian philosophy.

And Bruce here teaches
classical philosophy

and all of these other Bruces
are in charge of the sheep dip.

Sheep, sheep, sheep, we love you.

This is the wattle,

the emblem of our land.

You can stick it in a bottle,

you can hold it in your hand.

- Amen.
- Amen, amen.

Bloody thirsty work this, Bruce,
I think I'll get...

- Why don't you have a chilly then, mate.
- Yeah, I think I...

In fact they look a bit thirsty there.
Look like they could use a drink.

Throw them a drink out there, mate.

- Throw them some of...
- Are you thirsty?

- Good old Australian beer.
- Who's going to...

Throw them out, yeah.

Chuck them, mate. Chuck them. Good, there.

Now the reason we do this, ladies and Bruces

is we find over here,

your English beer

is a little like making love in a canoe.

How's that at?

It's fucking close to water.

I love it!

- Good evening.
- Good evening, dickhead.

- How are you, Punk Bruce?
- I'm good.

Now Punk Bruce here
has brought on guest Bruce,

who tonight has agreed
to dress like a prat for charity.

Oh, right.

So what's your name, Bruce?

My name is Roger.

- Roger?
- Roger McGough.

You're fucking Eddie Izzard, aren't you?

I'm him on Tuesdays and Wednesdays.

Yeah, he's in disguise tonight.

And what's your charity, Bruce?

My charity, Bruce, I'm raising money,

or I've been giving money
to the Monty Python Retirement Fund.

- Yeah.
- Excellent. Right... Thank you.

And so for...

Hey Bruce, leave him alone.

You randy little kanga.

- It's all right.
- Sorry about that, Bruce.

Have you got another monologue or...

No, no, I'll just say I've paid 40 million
Australian dollars to do this, so...

- Okay, very nice indeed.
- Cheque's in the post.

Thank you, Bruce.

Right, I'm sorry about our marsupials,

they shag worse than a bloody carpet,
some of them.

Anyway, let's try and raise the chain a little

by singing a little intellectual song.
Are you ready?

Good idea, Bruce.

Immanuel Kant was a real pissant

Who was very rarely stable

Heidegger, Heidegger
was a boozy beggar

Who could think you under the table

David Hume could out-consume

Schopenhauer and Hegel

And Wittgenstein was a beery swine

Who was just as sloshed as Schlegel

Hang on a second, Bruces, hang on.

I think this lot are in a bit of
a playful mood, this crowd here.

- Yeah, I think they're...
- Yeah.

- Pissed as parrots half of them.
- Yeah.

And I bet some of them have been smoking
their home-grown English little wacky weed.

Yeah, they might as well
smoke daffodils, mate.

Might as well, mate.

How do you tell an English batsman?

They're the ones in the pavilion.

Did you hear about the pommy bastard

that took Viagra instead of his sleeping pill?

No, what happened?

He ended up having 40 wanks!

- I love Aussie humour.
- Right.

Well, why don't you guys
give us a bit of a hand

and we'll sing along to this one, right?
Feel like that?

I've got the words here. They're in my pocket.

I'll just... It's a bit tight down there.

That's not it.

- Don't pull that out, Bruce.
- Here we are.

Here we are.
Got them all written out in my own fair hand.

- So I'll make it easy for you.
- All right, so here we go.

All right?

Immanuel Kant was a real pissant

Who was very rarely stable

Heidegger, Heidegger
was a boozy beggar who could...

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

It's not working, Bruce.

- I think it's my handwriting, Bruce.
- Maybe it is.

They're a typical O2 audience, Bruce.

They don't know whether to titter or twitter.

- Left my mobile on vibrate.
- Oh dear.

That's funny, Bruce.

My Sheila has a vibrator
which she can switch on to phone.

Think about it. Thank you very much.

Doesn't know if she's coming or going.

Disgusting.

- Let's raise the tone.
- Now, have we got anything.

Punk Bruce, can you give us a hand?

I can give her a hand here.

Stop that, Bruce. You.

Straight off. Off.

- Go on, fuck off.
- Get off her, mate.

Fuck off to Barcelona and bite Luis Suárez.

Now, Punk Bruce,

have you got anything to help us
put the words up for these poor people?

- How's that, Bruce?
- Yeah.

- Now you can see that.
- Very nice.

Very good.
All right, now we've got no excuse, all right?

- Let's hear you.
- It's almost the intermission, so here we go.

Immanuel Kant was a real pissant

Who was very rarely stable

Heidegger, Heidegger
was a boozy beggar

Who could think you under the table

David Hume could out-consume

Schopenhauer and Hegel

And Wittgenstein was a beery swine

Who was just as sloshed as Schlegel

There's nothing Nietzsche couldn't teach you

About the raising of the wrist

Socrates himself was permanently pissed

John Stuart Mill of his own free will

On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill

Plato they say could stick it away

Half a crate of whisky every day

Aristotle, Aristotle
was a bugger for the bottle

Hobbes was fond of his dram

And René Descartes was a drunken fart

"I drink therefore I am"

Yes, Socrates himself is particularly missed

A lovely little thinker
But a bugger when he's pissed

Thank you. You're brilliant.

You're brilliant.

Well right now we're going back
to the Olympic Stadium

for the closing minutes
of the Philosophy final

and I understand that there's still no score.

Well there may be no score, but
there's certainly no lack of excitement here.

As you can see Nietzsche has just been
booked for arguing with the referee.

He accused Confucius of having no free will
and Confucius he say, "Name go in book."

And this is Nietzsche's third booking
in four games.

And who's that? It's Karl Marx.
Karl Marx is warming up.

It looks as though there's going to be
a substitution on the German side.

Obviously, manager Martin Luther
has decided on all-out attack,

as indeed he must, with only
two minutes of the match to go.

And the big question is,
who is he going to replace?

Who's going to come off?
It could be Jaspers, Hegel or Schopenhauer,

but it's Wittgenstein.

Wittgenstein who saw his Auntie
only last week.

And here's Marx. Let's see if he can
put some life into this German attack.

Evidently not.

Honestly.

Well now, with just over a minute left

a replay on Tuesday
looks absolutely vital,

and there's Archimedes,
and I think he's had an idea.

Eureka!

Archimedes out to Socrates.
Socrates back to Archimedes.

Archimedes out to Heraclitus,
he beats Hegel.

Heraclitus has a little flick.

Here he comes, on the far post.

Socrates is there. Socrates heads it in!

Socrates has scored,

the Greeks are going mad.

The Greeks are going mad, Socrates scores.

Got a beautiful cross from Archimedes,
the Germans are disputing it.

Hegel is arguing that the reality is merely
an a priori adjunct of non-naturalistic ethics.

Kant, via the categorical imperative,

is holding that ontologically,
it exists only in the imagination,

and Marx is claiming it was offside.

But Confucius has answered them
with the final whistle.

It's all over.

Germany, having trounced
England's famous midfield trio

of Bentham, Locke and Hobbes in the semi
final, have been beaten by the odd goal.

And let's see it again.

There it is. Socrates.

Socrates heads it
and Leibniz doesn't have a chance.

And just look at those delighted Greeks.

There they are, "Chopper" Sophocles.

Empedocles of Acragas.
What a game he had.

And Epicurus is there, and Socrates,

the captain, who scored what was probably
the most important goal of his career.

- Mr Hilton.
- Yes.

You are sole owner and proprietor
of the Whizzo Chocolate company?

I am.

Constable Parrot and I are from
the Scotland Yard Hygiene Squad.

Oh yes?

Want to have a word with you about
this box of chocolates you manufacture

called the Whizzo Quality Assortment.

Good, yes.

If I could begin at the beginning.

Number one is cherry fondue.

Now this is extremely nasty,
but we can't prosecute you for that.

Agreed.

Next, we have crunchy frog.

Yes?

Well, am I right in thinking
there's a real frog in here?

Yes, a little one.

Is it cooked?

- No.
- What? A raw frog?

We use only the finest baby frogs,

dew-picked and flown from Swaziland.

Cleansed in the finest quality spring water,

lightly killed and sealed in
a treble milk chocolate envelope

and lovingly frosted with glucose.

That's as maybe, it's still a frog.

Well what else would it be?

Well don't you even take the bones out?

If we took the bones out
it wouldn't be crunchy would it?

Constable Parrot ate one of those.

Would you excuse me a moment, sir?

Not right at the moment...

Why didn't you say
why you wanted to be excused?

It says "crunchy frog" quite clearly.

Well, people won't expect
there to be a frog in here.

They're bound to think
it's some form of mock frog.

Mock frog?

We use no artificial additives
or preservatives of any kind.

In future though, you will replace
the description "crunchy frog"

with the words "crunchy, raw,
unboned, uncooked, real, dead frog,"

if you want to avoid prosecution.

What about our sales?

Fuck your sales,
we have to protect the general public.

Now what's this one?

Number five, ram's bladder cup.

We use choice juicy chunks
of fresh Cornish ram's bladder.

Emptied, steamed and flavoured
with sesame seeds,

whipped into a fondue
and garnished with mouse poo.

Mouse poo?

It doesn't say anything
about mouse poo on the box.

Yes it does, on the bottom of the box,

after monosodium glutamate.

Well, this is hardly good enough.

In future you must put on this box
a large red sticker with the words,

"Warning, contains mouse poo."

Our sales would plummet.

Well, why don't you move into
more conventional areas of confectionary,

like lime cream or strawberry delight?

I mean, look at this lot.

Anthrax ripple.

Cockroach cluster.

Flip...

Take the box.

- Take the box.
- No.

Take it.

And what's this one? Spring surprise.

That's our speciality.

Covered in darkest rich smooth chocolate.

When you pop it into your mouth,

stainless steel bolts spring out
and punch straight through both cheeks.

Well, where's the pleasure in that?

- Pull yourself together, Constable.
- Sorry, Sir.

Or you'll be a Constable Ex-parrot.

Where are we? Can you remember?

Oh yes!

As you were saying,
punch straight through both cheeks.

Well where's the pleasure in that?

That's me speaking now.

Where's the pleasure in that,

when people pop a choccy in their mouth,
they don't want their cheeks lacerated.

In any case, this is an inadequate description
of the sweetmeat.

I must ask you to accompany me
to Scotland Yard.

It's a fair cop.

- And don't talk with the audience.
- Why not?

It's contrary to Section 28
of the Sketch Comedy Act.

Right.

Hello and welcome to another
edition of 'Blood,

Devastation, Death, War and Horror.'

Later in the programme we'll be talking
to a man who does gardening.

But my first guest tonight is
a man who speaks entirely in anagrams.

Tahts sey crreoct.

Do you enjoy it?

Sey, sey, I stom certainly od.

Yeah, and what's your name?

Hamrag, Hamrag Yattlerot.

Well, Graham, nice to have you on the show.

Where do you hail from?

Bumcreland.

Cumberland?

Staht it sepricely.

Lovely part of the world.

And I believe you're working on
an anagram version of Shakespeare.

Sey, sey, tahtsi crreoct.

Ta the nimute I'm rowking on
'The Mating of The Wersh.'

By William Shakespeare?

Nay, by Malliwi Rakessheape.

Of course, and what else?

Twelfth Thing,

the Chamrent of Venice,

Two Nnetlemeg of Verona.

Have you, have you done Hamlet?

Thamle.

"Beot, or botneot.

"Tath is the nestiquo."

And what is your latest project?

Ring Kichard the Thrid.

I'm sorry?

"A shroe, a shroe!

"My dingkom for a shroe."

Of course, Ring Kichard, yes, yes.

But surely that's not an anagram.

That's a spoonerism.

If you're going to split hairs
I'm going to piss off.

The world today seems absolutely crackers.

With nuclear bombs to blow us all sky high.

There's fools and idiots
sitting on the trigger.

It's depressing and it's senseless

and that's why...

I like Chinese

I like Chinese

They copy everything they sees

But they're up on the moon

So, they'll do as they please

I like Chinese

I like Chinese

They're still a little Communise

But Americans don't need to fret

For China has bought all their debt

I like Chinese food

The waiters never are rude

Think of the many things
They've done to impress

There's Maoism, Taoism

I Ching and chess

So, I like Chinese

I like Chinese

I like their tiny little trees

- That's Japanese.
- Oh yes.

Their Zen, their ping pong

Their yin and yang-ese

I like Chinese thoughts

The wisdom that Confucius taught

If Darwin is anything to shout about

The Chinese will survive us all

Without any doubt

So, I like Chinese

I like Chinese

I like their teas and their tai chi's

Their calligraphy, as you can see

They all dance with ease

I like Chinese

I like Chinese

Their food is guaranteed to please

A 14, a seven

A nine and lychees

Altogether now.

I like Chinese

I like Chinese

I like Chinese

I like Chinese

I like Chinese

Yeah.

Thank you very much, O2.

It's the intermission.

It's the intermission.

I like the intermission.

- It's the best bit. I like it.
- Shopping!

- I always look forward to the intermission.
- Shopping!

I can go to the toilet.
I so want to go to the toilet.

Ooh there's only one.

Yes, one for 16,000.

Sit on my face and tell me that you love me

I'll sit on your face and tell you I love you too

I love to hear you oralise

When I'm between your thighs

You blow me away

Sit on my face and let my lips embrace you

I'll sit on your face and then I'll love you truly

Life can be fine if we both sixty nine

If we sit on our faces in all sorts of places

And play till we're blown away

Sit on my face and tell me that you love me

I'll sit on your face and tell you I love you too

I love to hear you oralise

When I'm between your thighs

You blow me away

Sit on my face and let my lips embrace you

I'll sit on your face and then I'll love you truly

Life can be fine if we both sixty nine

If we sit on our faces in all sorts of places

And play till we're blown away

And that concludes
tonight's broadcast of Spam Lake,

And that concludes
tonight's broadcast of Spam Lake,

part of a new series of ballet for the radio.

And now we present the first episode
of a new radio drama series

The Death of Mary Queen of Scots,

Part I, The Beginning

You are Mary Queen of Scots?

I am.

Oh no!

Oh dear!

Episode two
of The Death of Mary Queen of Scots

can be heard on Radio 4 almost immediately.

I think she's dead.

No, I'm not.

That was episode two
of The Death of Mary Queen of Scots,

adapted for radio
by sticking a large nail through it.

And now, Radio 4 will explode.

We'll have to watch the telly then.

Yes, we will.

What's on the television?

Looks like a penguin.

No, I didn't mean
what's on the television set,

I meant what programme?

Sort of funny,
that penguin being there, isn't it?

What's it doing?

Standing.

I can see that!

If it lays an egg,
it'll fall down the back of the television set.

We'll have to watch that.

Unless it's male.

Oh, I never thought of that.

It looks fairly butch.

Perhaps it's from next door.

Penguins don't come from next door.

They come from the Antarctic.

Burma!

Why did you say Burma?

Oh, I panicked.

Perhaps it's from the zoo.

Which zoo?

How would I know which bloody zoo!

I'm not David bloody Attenborough!

How does David bloody Attenborough
know which zoo it came from?

He knows everything.

I wouldn't like that,
It would take all the mystery out of life.

Anyway, if it came from the zoo,

it would have
'Property of the zoo' stamped on it.

No, it wouldn't.

They don't stamp animals
'Property of the zoo.'

You can't stamp
a huge Siberian tiger, 'Property of the zoo.'

They stamp them when they're small.

What happens when they moult?

Siberian tigers don't moult.

No, but penguins do!

There, I've run rings round you logically.

Intercourse the penguin.

Well, it's just gone 8:00 o'clock

and time for the penguin
on top of your television set to explode.

How did he know that was gonna happen?

It was an inspired guess.

Oh, he knows everything, that Michael Palin.

Yes, and he's been everywhere too.

You ever watch any of those travel?
Travel pro...

If you're going to be rude about me,
I'm going to switch you off.

And now, it's time for Home Beautiful
with Professor D.P. Gumby

to give you some hints on
the often forgotten art of flower arranging.

Good evening!

Good evening!

Tonight, flower arranging.

First, take a bunch of flowers.

Pretty begonias.

Irises.

Freesias.

Chrysanthemmm...

...mums, mums.

Then,

arrange them nicely in a vase.

Get in, get in, get in!

Oh, get in there.

Oh, get in, get in, come on little flowers.

Oh, no.

No! No! My brain hurts!

Case adjourned.

Oh, I had a
bitch of a morning in the High Court.

Oh, me too, love.

I could stamp me little feet,
the way those QCs carry on.

Oh, don't I know it, love?

Objection here, objection there,

and that nice policeman
giving his evidence so well.

Beautiful speaking voice.

- And what a body.
- Yes.

Well, at the end all I could do
was bang my gavel.

You what, love?

I did me "Silence in court" bit.

Oh, yes.

If looks could have killed,

that prosecuting counsel
would have been in for 40 years.

How did your summing up go?

I did it in me butch voice, you know,

"What the jury must understand,"
and they loved it

I bet they did.

I can see little foreman of the jury eyeing me.

- Really?
- Oh yes, cheeky devil.

Made me want to turn Queen's evidence.

I know what they mean by a well hung jury.

Anyway, I finished up with really serious.

"The actions of these vicious men
are a violent stain upon the community

"and the full penalty of the law

"is scarcely sufficient
to deal with their ghastly crimes,"

And I waggled me wig.

You waggled your what?

I waggled me wig.

Ever so slightly.

- Stunning effect.
- I bet it was.

Anyway, I gave him three years.

Only took ten minutes.

Tell me, did you handle the Cleese divorce?

Which one?

He's had four wives.

Really?

Is he a Muslim?

No.

It's just the way he walks.

Tell me, what do you
usually give for sex in a public toilet?

About ten quid.

Yeah.

All in?

Now, ladies and gents, here it is,

the show you've been waiting for,
the show you've heard so much about.

This is the show that gives you
what you want the way you like it,

so move right up front for Full Frontal Nudity

Stop the crap. Get on with the show

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes.

Kevin, that's my seat.

What? Will you sit down?

- Get out of the way.
- Excuse me.

Yeah, that's better.

Yes.

Look at them. What?

Get your choc ice cream, sweeties.

I'm not hungry.

That's better.

Oh yes, here we go, here we go

Will the owner of a Ford Cortina,
registration OYR 312...

- Shut up
...please move his vehicle?

And we're back.

Oh yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh God, I'll have to come back tomorrow.

Albatross!

Albatross!

Albatross!

Two choc ices, please.

I haven't got any choc ices,
I've just got this albatross.

Albatross!

What flavour is it?

What? Well, it's a bloody sea bird,
it's an albatross.

It's not any bloody flavour.

Albatross!

Everything's got a flavour.

All right, it's bloody sea bird flavour,

it's bloody albatross bloody flavour.

Albatross!

Do you get wafers with it?

Course you don't get fucking wafers with it!

It's an albatross!

You're disgusting.

You're not even a proper woman.

Don't you oppress me, mate.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

Racist!

Racist!

Racist!

Stormy petrel on a stick.

Gannet in a basket.

Evening, squire.

Good evening

Is your wife a goer, eh?

Know what I mean, know what I mean,
nudge, nudge,

know what I mean, say no more?

I beg your pardon?

Your wife, does she go?

Does she, does she go, eh?

Well, she sometimes has to go, yes.

I bet she does, I bet she does, say no more,

say no more, know what I mean,
nudge, nudge.

I'm afraid I don't quite follow you.

Follow me, follow me,
that's very good, very good.

A nod's as good as a wink to a blind bat.

Are you selling something?

Selling!

Very good, you're wicked, you are.

Oh, you are a wicked one,
aren't you, eh, yeah?

You know what I mean?
Say no more, wicked, eh?

Say no more.

What?

Is your wife interested in sport, eh?

She likes sport, yes.

I bet she does, I bet she does.

As a matter of fact, she's very fond of cricket.

Likes games, eh? She likes games.

I knew she would, I knew she would.
She's been around a bit, eh?

Been around, been around, eh?

Well, she has travelled. She's from Purley.

Whoa!

Purley? Say no more, say no more,

say no more, say no more!

Well?

Is your wife interested in photography?

Photography?

"Photographs, eh?"
He asked him knowingly.

Photography?

Snap, snap, grin, grin, wink, wink,
nudge, nudge, say no more.

Holiday snaps?

They could be, they could be
taken on holiday, you know?

Swimming costumes.

Dressing up.

Candid photography,
if you know what I mean, you know?

Behind the scenes bit.

No, we don't have a camera.

Still...

Look, are you insinuating something?

Oh no! No!

Yes.

Well?

Well, I mean, you're a man of the world,
squire, you know,

you've been around a bit,
you know, been around.

What do you mean?

Well, I mean, like, you know,
you've... you've done it.

You've slept with a lady.

Yes.

What's it like?

Blackmail!

Blackmail!

Is your wife a goer, eh?

Know what I mean, know what I mean,
nudge, nudge, say no more

Does she, does she go, eh?
Oh, I bet she does.

Wink, wink, eh?

A nod's as good as a wink to a blind bat.

Say no more!

Nudge, nudge, wink, wink,
Nudge, nudge, wink, wink,

Blackmail!

Nudge, nudge, wink, wink,
Nudge, nudge, wink, wink,

Blackmail!

Is your girlfriend interested in photography?

"Photographs, eh?"
He asked him knowingly.

Candid, you know,
candid photography, eh?

Say no more!

Snap, snap, grin, grin, wink, wink,
nudge, nudge, whoo, that's better!

Nudge, nudge, wink, wink,
Nudge, nudge, wink, wink,

Blackmail!

Nudge, nudge, wink, wink,
Nudge, nudge, wink, wink,

Blackmail!

Blackmail!

Blackmail!

Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to Blackmail.

Live from the Tower Backroom, Blackpool.

Please welcome your host for tonight,

here's Nobby.

Hello and welcome to Blackmail,
the show people can't wait to be off.

And first we go north to Preston
in Lancashire and Mrs Betty Teal.

Now, Mrs Teal, this is for £500,

and this will stop us revealing
the name of your lover in Bolton.

So, Mrs Teal, £500 by tomorrow, please,

and your husband Trevor

and your lovely children Diane, Janice
and little Juliette,

who's having a difficult time at school
at the moment,

need never know
the name of your lover in Bolton.

What a hunk. Now, a politician,
a freemason, an ex-guardsman

and a prominent supporter
of the English Folk Dance Movement.

Well, he's been getting into
a bit of a dance of his own.

On last week's programme, he had the
chance to pay up and hush it up,

but he thought he knew better.
Well, we've got news for him.

He thinks he's at
a crack addict's conference in Broadstairs.

In fact, he's here backstage
at our Blackmail studios.

Bring him on!

Hey! Sir Norman Barry Castle.

Welcome to Blackmail.

Well, you elected not to pay up,
so here you are now

in front of our studio audience of 15,000,

our global audience of fifty million,

paying the price
of our right to know everything about you.

Well, your career's in ruins,
but the good thing is

that your wife is gonna stand by you
and she's here in the studio tonight.

Is she with us? Can we see her there?

Lovely, thank you.

Thank you for coming along.

Behind every strong man,
there's a stronger woman.

You bastard.

Well, that's what they all say
but he should have...

- Kept it in his pants.
- Kept it in his pants.

Well, thank you, Sir Norman.

Now it's telephone time,
so bring on the golden phone.

Last week, we showed you this photograph
of three middle-aged car enthusiasts

and asked them to send in £30,000
to stop us revealing the name

of the two girls from the garage,

the make of car in which they did it

and the type of engine oil
they used for lubrication. Well...

...we've heard nothing from them,
so it's time to...

- Fill in the puzzle!
- Fill in the puzzle!

Let's see more.

OK boys, you're on Blackmail

and it's now £40,000 each.

Well, they're either very brave or very rich.
Let's see which it is.

£400,000 now, unless we hear
from James or Richard or...

Hello, hello.
Hello Jeremy, yeah, how are you?

Yeah, yeah, I know.
I'm sure you didn't, no, no, no.

We don't morally censure,
we just want the money.

If your cheque's in the mail,
you won't be in the Daily Mail.

Thanks for playing Blackmail.

Thanks. You too, Jezza.

Lovely man.

Deeply flawed.

Now, what is it time for now, Veronica?

I'm A Celebrity Or Am I?

I'm A Celebrity Or Am I?

Your chance to play the game where
we bring on a mystery contestant

and you have to tell us whether you think

he's a celebrity or a mere non-entity,
so here he comes...

Celebrity or non-entity?

Let's start the clock.

The famous legs,
are those Simon Cowell's legs?

Are these legs you recognise?

Looks pretty ordinary to me.

Could just be an ordinary guy off the street.

Could be a celebrity.
Five, four, three, two, one.

Off with the bag. Oh my God!

Wow!

International man of mystery himself.

This is a great moment but, Mike, Mike.
We're both Mike so I can Mike...

- Yes.
- I can Mike with you.

- You're on Blackmail...
- Yes.

What's gone wrong?

You mean, what's gone right?

- Did I?
- I'm on stage with you, sir.

Well, we want you to confess, you know?

Because Blackmail,
we know you've been in trouble,

so if there's anything you wanna share
with the audience, now's your time.

I wanna share how incredibly honoured I am

to be on stage with Monty Python,

the greatest comedy troupe in the
history of the English language.

And...

And...

There may be photographs
of me with German Shepherds.

- Oh wow...
- Yeah.

He's too nice a guy.
Thank you for coming on the show, Mike.

That's it? OK.

Thank you and thank you all, girls,
for Blackmail.

See you next week!

Good evening and welcome
to another edition of Science Today,

where we look at science today,

and today we have with us Anne Elk,

- Mrs Anne Elk.
- Miss.

- Miss Anne Elk.
- Miss. Yes.

Sorry. Miss Elk, you have a new theory
about the brontosaurus.

Can I just say at this point, Chris, that I
have a new theory about the brontosaurus?

Exactly.

- What is it?
- Where?

- Your new theory?
- What is my theory?

- Yes.
- What is my theory that it is.

Well, Chris, you may well ask me
what is my theory.

- I am asking what is your theory.
- Well done, Chris.

- Thank you.
- Spot on.

My word, yes. Well, Chris, what is it,
that it is, this theory of mine?

Well, this is what it is. My theory, which
belongs to me and which I own, is mine.

Yes, I know it's yours, but what is it?

- Where?
- Your theory.

- What is my theory?
- Yes.

This is it.

Here is my theory and what it is too.

"My theory, by Anne Elk,

"brackets, Miss, brackets..."

The next thing that I will say
will be my theory.

Here it comes.

You ready, Chris?

Yes.

My theory begins now.

All brontosauruses are thin at one end
and then much thicker in the middle

and then thin at the far end again.

That is my theory and what it is,
and it belongs to me too and it's mine.

- That's it, is it?
- Spot on, Chris.

Well, this theory of yours certainly
seems to have hit the nail on the head.

Thank you, Chris, thank you.

- Next week sees the opening...
- Thank you very much.

...of a new wasp...
- Thank you.

And thank you for asking me to the studio.

You're very welcome.
Next week sees the opening of a...

...of a new wasp farm near Redditch...

...that is going to...

Next week sees the opening...

I have another theory.

Really?

Called, "My Second Theory"
or "Miss Anne Elk,

"bracket, Miss, second theory, number two."

- Would you like to hear it?
- Yes, all right.

My second theory states that dentists
can make your teeth dance.

- Really?
- Look.

Yes, mothers, it's time once again for
Conrad Poohs and his dancing teeth.

Come in.

Trouble at mill.

Oh no. What sort of trouble?

One of crossbeam's
gone out of skew on treadle.

Pardon?

One of crossbeam's
gone out of skew on treadle.

I don't understand what you're saying.

One of the crossbeams has gone
out of askew on the treadle.

- Well, what on earth does that mean?
- Well, I don't know.

Mr Wentworth just told me to come in here
and say there was trouble at mill, that's all.

I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.

Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.

Our chief weapon is surprise,
surprise and fear. Fear as well.

Our two weapons are fear
and surprise and ruthless...

Our three weapons are fear
and surprise and ruthless efficiency

and an almost fanatical devotion to...

Four, our four...

The... the... I'll come in again.

I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.

Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.

Amongst our weaponry,
our five diverse elements,

are fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency,
an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope

and nice red uniforms.

No, I can't do this, I can't say this.
You'll have to say it.

- What?
- The bit about our chief weapons.

I couldn't do that.

Nobody...

Expects.

Nobody expects the Spanish...

- Inquisition.
- I know, I know.

Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.

- In fact, those...
- Our chief weapons are...

- Our chief weapons are...
- Surprise.

- Surprise and...
- Stop. Stop there, stop there. Good.

Surprise, fear, ruthless efficiency,
fanatical devotion to the Pope.

- Cardinal Fang...
- Yes, love?

Read the charges.

14 ducats for a complete massage on...

No, no, no, the charges against her.

You have hereby been charged
that you did on diverse dates

commit heresy against the Holy Church
by word, thought and deed.

With full relief, 22 ducats...

Yeah, no, that's enough, that's enough.

So... how do you plead?

Innocent.

- Innocent!
- Very well.

Cardinal Biggles...

Fetch the rack.

Tie her to the rack.

So...

How do you plead?

Innocent.

Cardinal... give the rack a turn.

- I...
- I know, I know you can't,

I didn't want to say anything,
I just wanted to ignore your crass mistake.

- I...
- It makes it all seem so stupid.

- Shall I...
- Just pretend, pretend for God's sake.

So, old woman, you are accused
of heresy on three counts.

Heresy by thought, heresy by word,
heresy by deed and heresy by action.

Four, four, four counts.

Do you...

Confess?

I don't understand what I'm accused of.

Then we shall make you understand.

Cardinal, take her... to the comfy chair.

So you think you can survive the rack.
You will not survive the comfy chair.

So... old woman, you have one last chance.

Confess the heinous sin of heresy,

reject the works of the ungodly...
Two, two last chances,

and you shall be... three, three last chances.

Confess.

- Confess. Confess. Confess. Confess.
- Confess. Confess. Confess. Confess.

I confess!

No, not you.

I have one last weapon in my armoury.
If you do not talk...

- I will show you... the fridge.
- Not the fridge!

Cardinal, go to the fridge and get her...

A large glass of... cold milk.

Whenever life gets you down, Mrs Brown...

and things seem hard or tough

And people are stupid, obnoxious or daft

And you feel that you've had quite enough

Just remember that you're standing
on a planet that's evolving

and revolving at 900 miles an hour

That's orbiting at 19 miles a second
so it's reckoned

The sun that is the source of all our power

The sun and you and me
and all the stars that we can see

are moving at a million miles a day

In an outer spiral arm,
at 40,000 miles an hour

of the galaxy we call the Milky Way

Our galaxy itself contains 500 billion stars

It's a hundred thousand light years
side to side

It bulges in the middle,
six thousand light years thick

but out by us it's just
a thousand light years wide

We're 40,000 light years
from Galactic Central Point

we go round every 200 million years

And our galaxy
is only one of millions and billions

in this amazing and expanding universe

The universe itself keeps on
expanding and expanding

In all of the directions it can whizz

As fast as it can go
at the speed of light you know

12 million miles a minute and
that's the fastest speed there is

So remember when you're feeling
very small and insecure

How amazingly unlikely is your birth

And pray that there's intelligent life
somewhere out in space

'Cause there's bugger all
down here on earth

Now there are many reasons why
I find that song scientifically inaccurate.

It's pathetic really.

The statement that
the sun is the source of all our power.

Well, take geothermal energy.
That comes from the heat of the earth's core.

That's generated, at least in part,
by the radioactive decay of uranium.

Uranium was formed
in supernova explosions.

Then the statement that the earth
orbits at 19 miles a second.

Well that'd be OK
if the earth's orbit was circular,

but in fact it's elliptical,

so it's better to say that the earth
sweeps out equal areas in equal times.

Kepler knew that back in 1609.

Then the statement that space time
expands at the speed of light.

Well, there was a period of expansion,

exponential expansion
between 10 to the minus 36

and 10 to the minus 32 seconds after
the Big Bang called inflation, in which the

I think you are being pedantic.

Just remember that you're standing

on a planet that's evolving
and revolving at 900 miles an hour

That's orbiting at 19 miles a second,
so it's reckoned

The sun that is the source of all our power

The sun and you and me and
all the stars that we can see

Are moving at a million miles a day

In an outer spiral arm
at 400,000 miles an hour

In a galaxy we call the Milky Way

Work, work, money, money
Work, work, money, money

Work, work, funny money
Funny money, work, work

Work, work, hurry, hurry
Work, work, worry, worry

Work, work, hurry, hurry
Worry hurry, work, work

Morning, morning, morning

Morning Jill, morning Jack

Can't complain, keep coming back

Morning, morning, morning

Morning Jim, morning Fred

Work all day until you're dead

Money is the root of evil

Money is the fruit of sin

Money is the root of everything

Wear a suit, they'll let you in

Morning, morning, morning

What's the point and what's the use

Work until you reproduce

Boring, boring, boring

Work all day, earn your bread

Till you finally drop down dead

Money is the root of evil

Money is the fruit of sin

Money, money, money can drive you mad

End up in the loony bin

Work, work, money, money
Work, work, money, money

Work, work, funny money
Funny money, work, work

Work, work, hurry, hurry
Work, work, worry, worry

Work, work, hurry, hurry
Worry hurry, work, work

Money is the root of evil

Money is the fruit of sin

Money is the root of everything

Pay up or we'll do you in

Work hard every single day

Work, work, work your life away

Don't question what,
Don't question why

Just keep working till you die

Money is the root of evil

Money is the fruit of sin

Money is the root of everything

The Grim Reaper's coming in

Life is a silly walk in the park

A knife in your throat held after dark

Life is a terrible joke, a lark

A spoken word then it all goes dark

Money is the root of evil

Money is the fruit of sin

Funny money loot will make you rich

Life's a bitch and you can't win

Money is the root of evil

Never, never question why

Money is the fruit of evil

Work all day until you die

Hello.

Good afternoon sir,
have you come for an argument?

Or would you like a blow job?

Pardon?

You've come for an argument.

- What was the other option?
- Nothing... Nothing.

It's just a special offer.

So have you been here before?

No this is my first time.

I see. Well would you like
to have just one argument?

Or were you thinking of taking a course?

Well what is the cost?

It's £1 for a five minute argument,
but only £8 for a course of ten.

Well I think I'll take the five minutes
and see how it goes from there.

Fine. Let's see. Yes, try Mr Barnard.

Thank you. Thank you.

Such nice people.

- What do you want?
- Well I... I...

And don't give me that, you snotty-faced
heap of parrot droppings.

Shut your festering gob, you tit.

Your type makes me puke.
You vacuous stuffy malodorous old pervert.

Look, I came here for an argument.

I'm sorry, this is abuse.

- You want next door.
- I see. Thank you.

Not at all.

Stupid dick!

Hello.
Is this the right room for an argument?

I've told you once...

- No, you haven't.
- Yes, I have.

- When?
- Just now.

- No, you didn't. You didn't.
- Yes, I did.

I'm sorry. Is this the five minute argument
or the full half hour?

- Just the five minutes.
- Just the five minutes.

Thank you very much.
Anyway I did.

You most certainly did not.

Now let's get one thing absolutely clear.
I most definitely told you.

- No, you didn't.
- Yes, I did.

- No, you didn't.
- Yes, I did.

- No, you didn't.
- Yes, I did.

- No you didn't.
- Yes I did.

- No, you didn't.
- Yes, I did.

- No, you didn't.
- Yes, I did.

- No, you didn't.
- Yes, I did.

- No, you didn't.
- Yes, I did.

No, you didn't. Look, this isn't an argument.

- Yes, it is.
- No, it isn't.

- Just contradiction.
- No, it isn't.

- You contradicted me just then. You did...
- I did not.

Never. No, no, no, no, no.

This is futile.

- No, it isn't.
- Yes, it is.

- I came here for a good argument.
- No, you didn't.

You came here for an argument.

- But an argument isn't just contradiction.
- Yes, it is.

No, it isn't. An argument
is a connected series of statements

intended to establish a proposition.

Look if I argue with you,
I must take up a contrary position.

- Yes but that's not just saying "No, it isn't."
- Yes, it is.

- No, it isn't.
- Yes, it is.

- No it isn't, no it isn't, no it isn't, no it isn't.
- Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes it is.

Argument is an intellectual process.

Contradiction is just
the automatic gainsaying

of anything the other person says.

- It is not.
- It is.

- Not at all.
- Now look I...

Thank you, good morning.

What? What?

That's it. The five minutes is up.

That was never five minutes just now.

- I'm afraid it was.
- No, it wasn't.

I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to argue any more.

This is ridiculous.

If you want me to go on arguing
you'll have to pay for another five minutes.

But that was never five minutes just now.

This is ridiculous. There you are.

- Thank you very much. Very good.
- Well?

What?

That was never five minutes just now.

I told you
I'm not allowed to argue unless you pay.

- I just paid.
- No, you didn't.

- I did. I did. I did. I did.
- You did not. You did not.

- I did. I did. I did. I did.
- You did not. You did not.

Look I don't want to argue about that.

Well, I'm very sorry but you didn't pay.

If I didn't pay, why are you arguing? Got you.

- No, you haven't.
- Yes, I have.

- If you're arguing I must have paid.
- Not necessarily.

I could be arguing in my spare time.

I've got two legs,
From my hips to the ground

And when I move them
They walk around

And when I lift 'em
They climb the stairs

And whoo! When I shave 'em
They ain't got hairs!

I've got two legs with my feet...

- Good morning.
- Morning.

What have you got then?

Well there's egg and Spam,

egg, bacon and Spam.
Egg, bacon, sausage and Spam.

Spam, bacon, sausage and Spam.

Spam egg. Spam, Spam, bacon and Spam.

Spam, Spam, Spam, egg and Spam.

Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, baked beans,
Spam, Spam, and Spam.

Or lobster thermidor aux crevettes
with a mornay sauce

garnished with truffle paté, brandy
and a fried egg on top, and Spam.

Have you got anything without Spam in it?

Well there's Spam, egg, sausage and Spam.
That's not got much Spam in it.

I don't want any Spam.

Why can't she have
egg, bacon, Spam and sausage?

That's got Spam in it.

Yeah, but not as much as
Spam, egg, bacon, Spam and sausage.

Look. Can I just have egg, bacon, Spam
and sausage, without the Spam?

What do you mean...

You can't have egg, bacon, Spam
and sausage without the Spam.

Why not?

Well it wouldn't be
egg, bacon, Spam and sausage, would it?

I don't like Spam.

Don't make a fuss, dear.
I'll have your Spam, I love it.

I'm having Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam,
Spam, Spam, baked beans, Spam and Spam.

Baked beans are off.

Well can I have Spam instead?

You mean Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam,
Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam...

Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam!

Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam!

Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam!

Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam!

Lovely Spam! Wonderful Spam!

Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam!

Shut up!

Lovely Spam! Wonderful Spam!

Shut up!

Lovely Spam! Wonderful Spam!

Shut up!

Lovely Spam! Wonderful Spam!

Shut up!

Bloody Vikings!

Racist bastard.

Finland, Finland, Finland

The country where I quite want to be

Pony trekking or camping

Or just watching TV

Finland, Finland, Finland

That's the country for me

Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam!

Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam!

Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam!

Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam!

Oh, Spam

Lovely Spam!

Lovely Spam!

Oh, lovely Spam!

Lovely Spam! Wonderful Spam!

Lovely Spam! Wonderful Spam!

Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!

Lovely spam! Wonderful spam...

Lovely Spam!

Lovely Spam!

Lovely Spam!

Spam! Spam! Spam!

I wish to register a complaint.

Hello, miss.

What do you mean, miss?

Oh, I'm sorry, I have a cold.

I wish to make a complaint...

Sorry we're closed for lunch.

Never mind that...
I wish to complain about this parrot

what I purchased not half an hour ago
from this very boutique.

Oh, yes, the Norwegian Blue?

What's wrong with it?

I tell you what's wrong with it.

It's dead! That's what's wrong with it.

No, no. He's resting.

Look my lad,

I know a dead parrot when I see one.

And I'm looking at one right now.

No, no, he's resting.

Remarkable bird,
the Norwegian Blue, isn't it?

Beautiful plumage.

The plumage don't enter into it.

He's stone dead.

No, no.

He's resting.

All right then, if he's resting,
I'll wake him up.

Hello, Mr Polly Parrot,
I've got a lovely fresh...

There, he moved.

No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage.

I never.

Hello, Polly!

This is your 9:00 o'clock alarm call.

Wakey! Wakey!

Where were we?

You say...
"And now that's what I call a dead parrot."

Now that's what I call a dead parrot!

No, no.

"No, no" I say. It's stunned!

Stunned?

Yeah, stunned!

You stunned it just as it was waking up,
Norwegian Blues stun easily.

Listen, my lad, I've...

I've had enough of this.

That parrot is definitely deceased.

And when I purchased it,
not half an hour ago,

you assured me
that its total lack of movement

was due to it being tired and shagged out
following a prolonged squawk.

Well, he's probably pining for the fjords.

Pining for the fjords?

What kind of talk is that?

Look, why did he fall flat on his back
the moment I got him home?

The Norwegian Blue
prefers kipping on his back.

Remarkable bird, isn't it? Beautiful plumage.

Look matey, I took the liberty of examining
that bird when I got it home

and I discovered the only reason it had been
sitting on its perch in the first place

was that it had been nailed there.

Well, of course it were nailed there!
If I hadn't nailed that bird down,

it would have muscled up to those bars,

ripped them apart
with its immensely strong beak...

and voom.

- Voom?
- Voom.

Matey, this parrot wouldn't voom
if you put 40,000 volts through it.

It's bleeding demised!

No.

No, no, he's...

He's pining...

He's not pining!

He's passed on.

This parrot is no more.

He has ceased to be.

He has expired
and gone to meet Doctor Chapman.

This...

This is a late parrot... It's a stiff, bereft of life.

It rests in peace.

If you hadn't nailed it to the perch,
it would be pushing up the daisies.

It's run down the curtain
and joined the choir invisible.

It has breathed its last.

Its metabolic processes
are a matter of interest only to Victorians.

He has... He has kicked the bucket.

This is an ex-parrot.

Well I'd better replace it, then.

I was listening to the wireless this morning...

Very interesting, apparently,

the editor of the Daily Mail, Mr Paul Dacre
has just received an arsehole transplant.

Yeah.

I heard that...

I heard that too.
The arsehole rejected him, I hear.

- Oh really?
- Yeah.

I've been round the back, I've had a look...

we're right out of parrots.

I see, I see, I get the picture...

But...

I have got a selection of cheeses.

Amazingly enough.

A selection of cheeses?

- Yeah.
- Really?

What you have got?

You name it, I've got it.

Brie?

No.

- Camembert?
- No.

- Bresse bleu?
- No.

Stilton?

No.

- Lancashire cheese?
- No

- Red Leicester?
- No.

- Double Gloucester?
- No.

Stinking Bishop?

Don't you call me names.

It's the name of a well-known
West Country cheese, you should know that,

you run a pet shop.

Caerphilly?

No.

You don't have any Caerphilly?

No.

- Wensleydale?
- Yeah.

Well, I'll have
a pound of Wensleydale cheese, please.

Oh, sorry, I thought you were talking to me.

That's my name, Arthur Wensleydale.

- Gruyère?
- No.

- Emmental?
- No

- Jarlsberg?
- No.

Armenian String Cheese with cumin seeds?

Not much call for it round here, squire.

Zimbabwean rhinoceros milk cheese?

Cat's eaten it.

- Tell you what.
- What?

You haven't asked me about Cheddar.

- Cheddar?
- Yeah, Cheddar.

You know...

Is it worth it?

- Could be.
- All right, I'm game.

Do you have... Honestly expecting
the answer "No," any Cheddar?

No.

Do you want to come back to my place?

I thought he'd never ask.

Oh, isn't he a lovely little...

Oh, isn't he a lovely little...

Oh, isn't he a lovely little...

Wait a minute, buckaroos,
this has gone far enough.

No, no, no.

Get it away. Get it away.

Get it away.

Good evening ladies and gentlemen,

Good evening ladies and gentlemen,

it's truly a real honourable experience
to be here this evening.

A very wonderful and warm
and emotional moment for all of us

and I'd like to sing a song for all of you.

It's Christmas in Heaven

All the children sing

It's Christmas in Heaven

Hark, hark, those church bells ring

It's Christmas in Heaven

The snow falls from the sky

But it's nice and warm, and everyone

Looks smart and wears a tie

It's Christmas
It's Christmas in Heaven

Hip hip hip hip hip hooray

Every single day

Is Christmas day

It's Christmas in Heaven

So welcome everyone

Every day is just the same

There's tons and tons of fun

It's Christmas in Heaven

You've won life's lottery

For heaven's just like Vegas

And it's absolutely free

It's Christmas
It's Christmas in Heaven

Hip hip hip hip hip hooray

Every single day

Is Christmas day

It's Christmas
It's Christmas in Heaven

Hip hip hip hip hip hooray

Every single day

Is Christmas day

Round number two!

It's Christmas
It's Christmas in Heaven

Hip hip hip hip hip hooray

Every single day

Is Christmas day

It's Christmas
It's Christmas in Heaven

Hip hip hip hip hip hooray

Every single day

Is Christmas day

Ladies and gentlemen,

tonight this show
is going live all round the world,

amazingly enough.

Including North America, South America,

Europe, Africa,

The Middle East, Asia and Australia.

On TV and film, so wherever you're watching,

would you please all join us,
all the way around the world,

in saying farewell to us
by singing this little ditty.

Some things in life are bad

They can really make you mad

Other things just make you swear and curse

When you're chewing on life's gristle

Don't grumble, give a whistle

And this'll help things turn out for the best...

And...

Always look on the bright side of life

Come on!

Always look on the bright side of life

If life seems jolly rotten

There's something you've forgotten

And that's to laugh and smile
and dance and sing

When you're feeling in the dumps

Don't be silly chumps

Just purse your lips and whistle
That's the thing

And always look on the bright side of life

Always look on the bright side of life

For life is quite absurd

And death's the final word

You must always face the curtain with a bow

Forget about your sin
Give the audience a grin

Enjoy it, it's your last chance anyhow

So always look on the bright side of death

Just before you draw
your terminal breath

Life's a piece of shit
When you look at it

Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true

You'll see it's all a show
Keep 'em laughin as you go

Just remember that the last laugh is on you

And...
Always look on the bright side of life

Always look on the bright side of life

Key change, here we go!

Always look on the bright side of life

Always look on the bright side of life

Always look on the bright side of life

Always look on the bright side of life

Always look on the bright side of life

Yeah!

Always look on the bright side of life

Always look on the bright side of life

Carol! Hey

Thank you!

Thank you! Thank you!

Thank you!