Millennium Bugs (2020) - full transcript
Set in the last week of 1999, best friends Kelly and Miguel find themselves on the cusp of their future. Kelly has been floating through life after her parent's death. Drowning herself in alcohol and drugs. When her inheritance money runs out, Kelly is slapped with the realities of her actions. Her best friend Miguel is torn between his immigrant parent's expectations and his dream to become a comedian. The pressure to pursue his dreams while defying the sacrifices his parents made for him pushes Miguel to the brink. Together, Kelly and Miguel along the rest of the world find themselves wondering what's next.
(thunder roll)
(radio static)
- [Reporter] Just when
you thought it was safe to
look at a calendar, Y2K.
(radio static)
- [Reporter] FDIC-insured
banks guarantee your money,
up to $100,000,
and they insist that
January 1st, 2000 will be--
(radio static)
- People, I think, themselves
are afraid of the Y2K bug
with the computers.
(radio static)
- Are you concerned about Y2K?
(radio static)
- We have our intelligence
sources--
(radio static)
- There might be some glitches.
(radio static)
- If in fact, everything
works from here on out,
I will be the most amazed
person.
(radio static)
- [Reporter] This compound
is now being called
the first modern-day
equivalent of ill-ah-zaar,
end time predictions come.
- End time today.
(electrical explosion)
(police knocking)
(bell ringing)
- [Police Officer] Excuse me
ma'am,
are you Miss Kelly Stone?
- [Kelly] (sigh) I am, what's
this about?
(handcuffs click)
(car door slams)
(upbeat 8-bit music)
- [Man] The earth can have
butter, which is his Jew,
my spirit is thine, the better
part of me.
(upbeat music)
(rewinding music)
(door slamming and opening
repeatedly, footsteps)
- [Child] Every room is
painted a different color,
as if there were one room
for every separate mood.
(door slamming, footsteps)
(heavy gate opening)
(gate slam)
(upbeat rock music)
(digital glitching)
(woman shouting)
(child screaming)
♪ I can do what I want to see ♪
♪ And it still will fly ♪
♪ Just don't follow me ♪
♪ And these
can win on a scrap
of good form ♪
- Hey Ronnie.
- Hey!
- Let me get a pack of Eastwoods
and some of that Rockette.
Gotta get tonight's ammo,
you know what I'm saying?
(door dinging)
Thanks.
♪Save me from these words ♪
♪ I bring ♪
(glass shattering)
(film reel)
(song ends)
(static)
(funky background music)
- I've known her my whole life.
No Kelly, Kelly would never
do anything like that.
No, no, no, no.
(door alarm beeping)
Can I call you back?
Yeah, a customer just walked in.
Okay, I love--
(dial tone blaring)
Did you do it?
- Good fucking morning to you
too.
- I just got off the phone with
my--
- Ex?
- [Miguel] Lindsy.
Did you hear what happened to
her?
- Oh yeah, I think I might've
heard a thing or two.
- Hey. Hey!
I was being sarcastic.
She told me you were arrested.
A lot of people are talking.
All fingers are pointing at you.
- Let them talk.
Vultures, the lot of them.
- You can't smoke in here.
You know that.
- Free country.
- Out those doors it's a free
country.
Here, you're liable to obey
the rules of the establishment.
Stop changing the subject.
(coughs) Oh, you bitch.
Did you do it or not?
- No.
- Not sure I believe you.
You know I'm trying to get her
back right?
This sets me back a few notches.
"Aliens" is over there. Will
you please put that out?
Thank you.
- What do you keep
checking your watch for?
Gotta take the pill or
something?
- No, my 1:00 is almost here.
- Hey, you got any of
that uh, the new stuff?
- Yeah man. Back room.
Just put the new releases out.
- Hey Charlie.
- It's for a friend.
- Yeah, well tell your friend,
"Indiana Bones and Temple of
Poon" has a late fee on it.
- [Charlie] I'll let him know.
- That's a good one.
You had breakfast yet? I'm
starving.
- Yeah. I had coffee.
Look, I'm gonna ask you
one more time, okay?
As friends, did you do it?
- You know what?
Yeah, I did do it.
(rock music)
I Mission Impossible-d
my way into her house
and found the car keys,
took her car for a joy ride,
(keys beep)
pounded a few beers along
the way.
(honking, traffic sounds)
(glass breaks, grown)
When I ran out of booze,
I decided, why not just
go ahead and crash my car
into my favorite restaurant?
See if they got any juevos
rancheros?
'Cause I'm messed up like that.
(car horns wailing)
(swipe, ding)
(rock song ends)
- So you didn't do it?
- No. Jesus Christ.
How many different ways
do I have to tell you?
I. did. not.
(light guitar music)
- Okay, look, all right. I was
just making sure.
- What does it matter anyway?
You're supposed to be my
date for the apocalypse.
- That's not the point.
- It's exactly the point, okay?
She cheated on you all the time.
Oh no, wait. I'm wrong.
Except for the weekends, right?
When you guys would hang out?
Because that's when she
needed to take a break.
-That is--
-From all the other
dick she was slaying.
- That is so tacky and
also such a fucking lie.
Okay, yes. Checkmate.
(beep)
- Hmm, yeah, use whatever
adjective you want.
It doesn't change the
fact that she was a slut.
- Ah, ouch.
You know, I wonder why your
relationships never work out.
You're such a nice person.
- I just can't find anybody
who appreciates Jackie Chan
like I do.
(phone ringing)
To be continued.
- Yeah, Jackie Chan movies
are over there by the way.
(phone ringing, dog bark)
Vulcan Video, this is Miguel.
Ah, hola mama.
Yes. I'll be home for dinner.
Okay. Besos.
- [Woman] All my dedication,
something was waiting for
me just past the horizon.
My struggle was going to
pay off right?
- I know you said kisses.
- Your Spanish is getting
better.
- You all right?
- Yeah. I don't know.
My mom just called to make sure
I was gonna be home for dinner.
- Aw, mama's boy.
- The last time she made
sure I was home for dinner,
is when I was 15 to tell
me my grandpa had died.
- Ouch. Any of your
grandparents still alive?
- No, they're all dead.
- Score.
I mean, sorry, but you know,
at least no dead grandparents.
- That's true.
- Where is it?
- What movie are you looking
for?
- That's the thing. I don't
know.
Ah-ha. And I ain't talkin' about
the band.
- "Lost in Space," we have
plenty of that.
No one ever rents that.
- Ta da!
- Are you serious?
What if someone rented that?
What if Jefe found that?
- Okay, first of all,
no one ever rents this.
Secondly, if they did,
they'd get a great surprise,
and C, your boss is never here.
Why are you so afraid of him?
- Do you have any other
drugs hidden in the store?
- I don't know.
I don't think so.
Hey, do you want to smoke this?
It may help you relax.
- Hell yeah.
- Wow. That was easy.
(upbeat music)
(lighter clicking)
Fucking thing.
♪ What's the matter with me ♪
What time's your show tonight?
- Doors open at 7:00,
the show will probably start
around 8:00.
- Who are you opening for again?
- Jim Dawson, guy that
just got that HBO show.
- Oh yeah, the one with the
lowest ratings
in the network's history.
- True.
(Kelly coughs)
- Didn't that guy shit his
pants in the sixth grade?
- Can't get you to return
video tapes on time,
but you remember that?
- Doesn't happen very often.
By the way, I forgot to bring
back
the movies I borrowed last
night.
- (quietly) Yeah.
♪ Yourself when you touch me ♪
You heard back from that thing
in LA?
- That thing?
- Yeah, the, the thing, the,
I forgot what it's called.
- The improv group?
- Yeah.
- No, I haven't.
I've tried calling like a
million times,
but nobody seems to know
anything.
I'm supposed to get a letter in
the mail
in the next couple of days.
♪ It's better than nothing ♪
- If you got in, would you move
to LA?
- Unless the world ends.
(song ends)
Nah, my parents would hate it,
but I mean, it's where
all the top comics go
to perfect their craft, so.
- I think you should do it.
Yeah.
I think you're like way more
talented
than 80% of the comedians here,
so.
- Aw, thanks.
Oh shit, I gotta get the
new release on the racks
and then figure out which
family member croaked.
Maybe it was like a cousin.
Or maybe like my dad's--
I'm sorry.
- Don't worry about it.
I better head out.
I too have hugely important
things to do today
that I just simply cannot
postpone.
Pick you up at 6:30?
- Cool.
(water running)
(relaxing music)
♪ Breathe, ah ♪
♪ Just relax ♪
♪ It's just you ♪
♪ Be calm ♪
♪ You are above them ♪
♪ Breathe in ♪
♪ Breathe out ♪
(phone ringing)
- Jesus Christ.
What? Can this wait?
(sighs) All right. Okay.
I'll get dressed and come over.
(dial tone buzzing)
(phone ringing)
- So how are things?
- Peachy.
- How's the job hunt?
Kelly, when you inherited
your parents' money, I--
- Just cut to the chase.
- All right. You're out of
money.
- Wow. Harsh.
Wait, what?
- I'm sorry to be so
blunt, but that's the gist.
- That's impossible,
they left me quite a bit.
- Yeah, but your parents set
you up on a bi-monthly deposit
and you came in and begged
for it whenever you wanted.
And I enabled. I blame myself.
- Still something's not right.
I don't just throw my money
away.
(phone ringing)
- Well, within the last year,
you have bought a car, two
50-inch TVs,
multiple trips to Paris and
Mexico City,
you bought multiple gaming
systems,
you invested in a skate shop,
even though you have never set
foot
on a skateboard in your life,
you opened a cyber cafe,
then closed the doors three
months later
and the list goes on and on.
And not to mention your
recent run-ins with the law.
- Okay, you've proven your
point.
How much do I have left?
(paper tearing)
(bass thump)
- Detailed withdrawal
amounts and the dates.
(phone ringing)
- Oh, man.
- Listen, I know you hate
when I bring this up,
but I really think we need to
discuss--
- I'm not selling the house.
- This would solve all
your financial dilemmas.
- Well then I'll figure
something else out.
Is that it?
- Yeah.
- What a waste of my time,
you could have called with this
shit.
- [Child] Ready to win, to
reality in three, two, one.
(melancholy music)
(crying sounds)
(music tempo increases)
(car engine turning over)
(music ends)
- [Video Game Announcer]
Get set and let's play.
(8bit video game sounds)
(muffled newscaster speaking)
- Can you pass the uh?
Can you pass the?
Did somebody die?
- Who died?
- Mama, who died?
- What? Nobody died.
- [Dad] Try to get me upset?
- [Mom] Why would you say that?
- I'm sorry, it's just, you
never call
to invite me home for dinner.
Last time you did, abuelito
passed away.
- Oh! No, everyone's fine.
- Then why did you call?
I have to get ready for my show.
- What show?
- Well you're not going to one
of those foam parties are you?
- What?
- I read somewhere that some
sickos,
they wait until
everybody's covered in foam
and then they're prick you with
a needle infected with aids.
You get aids.
- Oh yeah. I am going to one
of those, the foam party.
That's what I'm doing.
No, I'm not going to a foam
party, dad.
Stop reading the news.
- By the way, did your boss
fix that issue at work?
- What? No. People are totally
overreacting.
- I honestly hope it happens.
You kids waste too much time
on that thing and watching TV.
(dad speaks in Spanish)
- You guys are freaking out.
- I agree.
- Just what I read.
- Um, where are you going
tonight? (video game beeping)
- I have a show.
- Still?
- Yes, still, mom.
It's not like it's a cold
that's just gonna go
away in a couple of days.
It's what I love to do.
- I like to build stuff.
Doesn't mean that I'm Bob Vila.
- By the way, you got
something in the mail.
- Congratulations.
- You're the first one to finish
college.
And the first one to go for your
masters.
I'm proud of you, son.
(car horn beeping)
- I gotta go.
(car horn beeping)
- You didn't finish your dinner.
(car horn beeping)
- I'll heat it up later,
when I get back.
(car horn beeping)
- Let him have his fun.
Once he gets back and
starts cracking the book,
he's not gonna have time for
comedy.
(light upbeat music)
(Kelly screams)
- Oh, good god.
- Oh, that's gonna be a good
one.
- I'm probably gonna look like
an asshole.
- So what else is new?
- Don't think you're supposed to
do that.
- Of course you are.
It says so right on the box.
- Do not shake.
- What do they know?
(bass drop)
- Oh, I look like shit.
- Nonsense.
You look super handsome.
(Miguel sighs)
By the way, check this out.
(techno beeping)
- How much did that cost?
- Not as much as that smile.
Are you ready, king of comedy?
- The guy in that movie was
psychotic.
(radio static)
- Nope. That's no right.
Hold on. Let me do that again.
(radio tuning)
(funky drums)
Now, are you ready?
- Sure.
(upbeat rock music)
- Might want to slow
down, leaving Las Vegas.
That's your third drink
in, like, 15 minutes.
- It's the only way I put
up with your funny friends.
Just kidding.
- You don't have to
apologize for being honest.
- It's no wonder this
place is losing money,
it takes forever to get
a drink around here.
(glass shattering)
- Cut the guy some slack, man.
He's been through a lot.
He's got one arm.
You're doing great, buddy.
- I guess you're right.
At least I'm out of the house
and away from that cunt, Susan.
- What the fuck?
You can't just throw around
the C word like that.
- You can if you've met Susan.
- You know, living in
your parents' basement
has its positives,
definitely its negatives.
Positives, free rent, free
food, parents have cable.
Not too shabby.
(one person clapping)
- What are they talking about
you?
- Good one.
- My masturbation game
is at an all time low.
I gotta get those parents
to upgrade to premium cable.
- Seriously dude. Come on.
- Stop! What the--
- Get off the stage.
- Stop!
- That should be
you up there, come on.
This is bullshit.
- You can't just heckle the
talent.
- He fucking sucks.
- He seems like a nice guy.
- All right, I'm gonna go get
ready.
I'll see you bit?
- Cool.
- I mean, I'll fuck him. Yeah.
They gotta leave, it's always
them and not me.
- Tell Squinty it's on my tab.
- I mean it's a really good
situation if you think about
it, right?
My own spot.
I can keep them out
whenever I want, you know?
Keep the parents out.
Longest relationship?
Probably two weeks, 18 days or
so.
(toilet flushing)
(Kelly heaving)
(water running)
- Hey Kelly, are you okay?
- Yeah, I just had a bad
sandwich earlier, what's up?
- Miguel's freaking out again.
- (sighs) I'm on my way.
Wait, do you have any gum?
- I have a Tic Tac.
(techno rock music)
- You're a doll.
How's it going up there?
- Fine.
I'm freaking out.
- I know, I'm kidding.
You do this every time.
- (scoffs) You should try
stand up one of these days.
- Fuck no, I'm not insane.
Look, you got this.
Own it, open up, stand tall and
pose,
and have fun.
Stand up for yourself.
Go out there and show them
that you are here, yeah?
Plus, I'm in your corner, kid.
Come on, let's go.
You got this.
- Thank you, thank you.
It's been great, awesome.
(swiping sounds)
- All right, give it up
for my boy, Mike Giovanni.
- Real quick, so my band,
Superficial Fat Girls,
is playing across the
street in 15 minutes.
We're like Alice in Chains
meets NSYNC, come check it out.
Two for one buds, chicks get in
for free.
- All right, crazy white boy
stole my mic.
Okay, all right, you heard it
here first.
After party's across the street.
Before you get that thirst
quenched,
I got something spicy, caliente,
for you.
- Go, go, go! You got this.
- My boy, Miguel Cis, Cicero!
(upbeat music)
(audience cheering)
- Yeah, Miguel! Right?
(music ends)
(background chatter)
- Hey guys, uh, my name is
Miguel.
It's nice to meet you guys,
but don't worry, in a couple
days, it's not gonna matter
'cause the world is coming to
an end, according to Fox News,
you know?
- Sup, girl? Is that your--
- Go fuck yourself, jock strap.
- Aight.
- So, time to take out those
loans, huh?
(one person laughing)
Go out and spend, if you want,
go get a new car maybe, you
know?
'Cause it's not gonna matter,
'cause the world--
(one person clapping)
- [Man In Audience] Boo!
(eerie music)
(man coughing)
- (distorted) I'm a Pisces.
That's a fish.
You guys like fish? Round
of applause for fish?
(audience applauding)
- [Man] God, sounded like you
sucked ass.
- [Miguel] Thanks man.
(woman whistling)
(bomb sound effect)
- That's you bombing, Miguel.
- At least my grandma
didn't die yesterday.
- [Man] Oh, man.
(woman sobbing)
- Hey! There he is.
Yeah, we got the next
Chris Rock over here,
ladies and gentlemen.
Whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo!
- You're too nice.
- Come on, you did great.
- I sucked.
- Nonsense.
- Oh yeah?
Hey, Sofie, how'd I do?
(swish)
- Shitty. No offense.
(swish)
- None taken.
See?
- Come on, you're too hard on
yourself.
- [Jim] How do you say
anal sex in Spanish?
- Why don't you ask your mom?
She can't seem to get
enough of it.
(Kelly laughs)
- [Jim] Grade A comedy.
You see, at HBO, we really like
to finesse
and revolutionize comedy.
- Hey, didn't your show get
canceled after two episodes?
How do you say that in Spanish,
Miguel?
- Cancelado.
- [Jim] Well, when you compete
with Monday Night Football--
- Yeah, that's what it
was, Dawson's Creek.
- All right all right.
Everybody out there having fun
or what?
- [Man In Audience] Your mom's
having fun.
- Hey, motherfucker, you wanna
come up here and disrespect me,
huh? (barks)
- Better calm this crowd down
before we have a full riot on
our hands.
Excuse me.
Here, hold this for me.
- Huh, I was gonna get this
party down,
but now fuck this dude, huh?
Huh?
(audience applauding)
- Hello, ladies and gentlemen,
my name is Jim Dawson.
Let's give it up for C Average.
Oh come on people,
it's hard to be on stage and
keep you assholes pumped.
So when HBO approached
me, I couldn't believe it.
You know, the first
thing I think is what's,
well what's my contract
gonna look like you know?
How much, how many zeroes are
we gonna put on this bad boy?
- And he's really just gonna
talk about his fucking show
and not even do a fucking joke.
- Pompous douche.
- Wanna go across the street?
This place kinda sucks.
I don't think I can
just listen to him brag
the entire night.
- I'm down.
(glass banging)
(Kelly belches)
Squinty, put it on my tab?
- You still haven't paid for
your tab since last month.
(glass shattering)
- Thanks love.
- Give me a hand?
- Yeah?
- [Man In Car] And I looked,
and behold, a pale horse.
And the name that said on
him was death and hell.
(car horn beeping)
- Jesus!
- So repent
- Bible humping fanatic!
- Yeah!
- [Man In Car] Repent
for the end is thine.
You must repent for the end is--
- (laughs) Good one.
(upbeat rock music)
(audience applauding)
I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
- I'll get the drinks.
(dial tone blaring)
(phone ringing)
- [Girl On Answering Machine]
Hey! If you hear this then...
(answering machine beeps)
(light rock music)
♪ Would I want ♪
♪ I want it ♪
♪ Would I wanna do ♪
♪ You know it's what I want to
do ♪
♪ I want that ♪
♪ What I want to do ♪
♪ Yeah if I could I'd like ♪
♪ Might not show now ♪
- Uh, this thing was on special,
so I got this for...you okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
Just a lot of cigarette smoke in
here.
- Well, only two types of
people wear sunglasses indoors.
- Well, I'm not blind,
so I guess that makes me an
asshole.
- She didn't answer?
- No.
- [Miguel] I'm sorry.
- It is what it is.
- Sorry.
- Fuck!
- Watch it,
captain.
- Captain be my,
captain be my name.
Don't wear it out.
Hope you guys enjoy the show.
(bird squawks)
Don't touch me Polly Polly.
(bird trills)
- Great, Davy Jones is gonna
play.
- Do you know these guys?
- No, but if they're playing
here,
it means they're not any good.
- All right, you ready for the
rock?
(crowd cheers)
- Jesus Christ.
- 1, 2, 3, 4!
(upbeat rock music)
- I don't know if I can sit
through the whole set.
- He's got some moves.
- Hey, what's the over under
that they go on tour and drown?
♪ There's blood in the streets
tonight ♪
- I kinda wish that was a real
parrot.
♪ There's demons in the sky ♪
- This guy's doing what he
loves.
Gotta respect that.
- I mean, there's no way he's--
- Can we get some shots?
♪ Is my brain ♪
♪ Is your blood the
same blood in my face ♪
- I mean, look, if you don't
want it.
♪ Is your pain the same pain as
mine ♪
- Let's get the fuck out of
here.
♪ I don't feel anything ♪
- Man, do not ever make
me go to that bar again.
- Lindsy.
- Miguel.
Hi.
You.
- I thought you hated this
place.
- One of my friends is playing.
- No way.
Pirate boy, that's your friend?
- Would you mind waiting for me
inside?
- Of course, babe.
Let's go.
- Can you ask Jackie
Daniels to give us a sec?
- (scoffs) Yeah, that
was actually pretty good.
- What's up, Miguel?
- Don't do that.
Don't condescend to me.
Jesus, are you made of ice?
- Hate her.
- Don't change the subject.
- I just, don't love you
anymore.
- Do you love him?
- I don't know.
Maybe.
- Shit.
What a fucking way to end the
year.
Is that the guy you left me for?
Fucking Ron Howard in there?
How?
We were together for two years?
You met him last month?
- [Lindsy] I know.
- Just, it just doesn't make any
sense.
- Look, okay, so, you and I,
like this.
With him.
I know what I did was wrong.
(light music)
I'm sorry.
♪ It's okay ♪
♪ You go down and take ♪
♪ This whole life ♪
♪ You'll never lose your mind ♪
- Who needs a drink?
Am I right or am I right?
(music ends)
(door slamming)
(deep sigh)
- You all right?
I know what'll cheer you up.
(laser zapping)
(techno music)
- That's, uh, that's truly
amazing craftsmanship there.
I'm fine.
I could use a drink though.
- Now you're talking my
language.
Let's go to my house.
- Are you sure you're okay to
drive?
You've been pounding the pestle
pretty hardcore all night.
- I'm fine. I had a couple.
Like three, at the last bar.
I'm fine. I'm fine.
- [Miguel] Whoah!
(Kelly giggling)
(heavy rock music)
Scared the crap out of me.
It was a joke, right?
- [Kelly] Yeah, (laughs) kinda.
(upbeat music)
Yes! Fuckin' love this song!
Whoo!
(Miguel heaving)
(music stops)
- I just cheated death!
(Miguel and Kelly cheering)
(music restarts)
- Yes! Yeah!
Whoo! That's my friend! Whoo!
(Miguel and Kelly grunting)
(music ends abruptly)
(dog barking)
(distant mechanical buzzing)
(Miguel wincing)
(Miguel coughing)
(Miguel sighs)
- Hey!
(water running)
(birds chirping)
(dog barking)
(car approaching)
(zap)
(tow truck beeping)
(upbeat pop music)
♪ Here it comes again ♪
♪ The space between the lines ♪
♪ Here it comes again ♪
♪ Here it comes again ♪
♪ Here it comes again,
what's looming in my mind ♪
♪ Here it comes again ♪
♪ Here it comes again ♪
- Miguel did you make coffee?
♪ It had to be this way ♪
♪ You asked me for a ring ♪
♪ And I would graciously
resist ♪
♪ If I die ♪
(music ends)
(truck sounds)
(bells ringing)
(birds singing)
- Wow, what the hell.
Hey, what the fuck, man?
What do you think you're doing?
- Due to lack of payments,
I am authorized to repossess
your vehicle until such--
- Fuck you, redneck.
- That was uncalled for.
- Yeah, yeah.
I'm sorry.
Hey, is there any way
that you could, like,
not take my car?
You wanna call it, like a,
a late Christmas present?
(trucker chuckles)
- Lady, I'm gay.
(upbeat music)
(trucker chuckles)
Merry Christmas!
♪ Scenic pastures ♪
♪ Nervous from your service
marked conversation ♪
♪ Seen it happen ♪
- Look who it is.
Enjoying the fucking show,
Susan?
Yeah, I'm in my fucking
underwear,
and they just took my fucking
car!
Why don't you tell the whole
fucking world about it huh?
Fuck you! Jesus Christ.
- Oh shit.
(music ends)
(truck rumbling)
(mechanical sounds)
(bell ringing)
(indistinct chatter)
(music begins)
(woman laughing)
(phone ringing)
(woman laughing)
♪ Scenic pastures ♪
♪ Nervous from your service
marked conversation ♪
♪ Seen it happen ♪
♪ A million times before ♪
♪ Why do you want me to go ♪
♪ Why don't you want me
to know, why? ♪
- Next.
(bells ringing)
Next.
- One of your people gave me
this.
Is everything okay?
- Your car was towed
due to lack of payment.
- Yeah, I know.
How do I get it back?
- Please be careful.
Patches passed away recently.
(bark, tinkling bell)
- How do I get my car back?
- You pay.
- Look I promise to pay double
what I owe
if you just give me some more
time.
(phone ringing)
Come on.
Please don't tow my car.
It's all I have left.
- The only way the vehicle can
be released
is if the customer pays the full
debt owed
plus the time charges, of
course.
(bell ringing)
- Doris, I've been outside for
minutes,
can you let me in?
- [Doris] Oh, I apologize,
camera's been acting up.
- Is there a higher up I can
speak to?
- You can speak to the manager.
- Okay, I'd like to speak to the
manager.
(stinger)
- Can I help you?
- Touche.
Get me the owner.
- I knew I should have put this
one out.
(stinger)
- Do you have one that says
bitch?
- Fresh out of that one.
Thank you for stopping by.
(bell dinging)
(pen tapping)
- Yes, I'm still here.
- [Woman On Phone] Yeah,
I can't seem to find
anyone at submissions,
so you're just, you know,
screwed.
- Well, do you know
when the acceptance letters are
going out?
- [Woman On Phone]
Acceptance letters went out,
oh let me see, end of the week,
yeah.
- Oh, okay.
I'm sorry to keep bothering you.
Do you happen to have a list of
the names
of the people that were
accepted?
- I do.
- Oh!
- [Woman On Phone] Not.
- Was that a joke?
- [Woman On Phone] I mean, I
do work at an improv group.
- (sighs) I guess I'll
just wait for the letter.
- [Woman On Phone]
Yeah, shouldn't be long.
Uh, okay, so thank you so much,
bye bye.
- Yeah, no, no. Thank you.
- [Woman On Phone] What did you
say?
- Huh?
Nothing.
- You said something.
- I didn't say anything.
- [Woman On Phone] Are you sure?
- No, I--
- [Woman On Phone] 'Cause it
sounded like you said the F
word.
- I didn't say, I didn't say,
do you have, I'll talk, goodbye.
(dial tone blaring)
(upbeat marching music)
- Excuse me, Ms. Stone!
- Bite me.
(phone ringing)
Put the cold cuts down,
Bluestein, we need to chat.
- Son of a,
you gotta stop doing this Kelly.
- I'm sure the salami sandwich
can wait.
- I'm sorry sir, she just
stormed in here.
- It, it, it's okay.
Go ahead and shut the door.
I'll take care of it.
What is it this time?
- How much money do I have left?
- You could have called me for
that.
- Yeah, well, shoulda, coulda,
didn't.
(cash register ca-ching-ing)
(Kelly sighs)
There's two amounts here.
- Yeah, that's how much you owe.
And that is what is in your bank
account.
- Oh my.
- Listen, we need to discuss
consolidating your debt.
- No need.
Can we sell the house?
- I've only been suggesting
that for how many years now?
- Yeah, yeah.
Do I have another option?
- [Mr. Bluestein] No.
- Okay then.
Let's make it happen, captain.
- Kelly, your parents
were friends of mine,
which is why I let you barge
in here whenever you want.
But I need to make this
crystal clear to you,
once we start this, you have
to see it through, okay?
This costs money, money
that you do not have.
(woman knocking)
- I'm sorry, sir.
Mrs. Charles called, she wants
to know
if she should withdraw her money
and keep it under her mattress
in case the computers go
whack-a-doo.
- (sighs) Okay, I'll take
care of it. Thank you.
(phone ringing)
- I'm sorry I barged in.
I just, I don't know what I'm
doing.
- We can wait.
You know, let's just
give it a little time.
- Just get rid of it.
(phone ringing)
- Hello Mrs. Charles.
(upbeat marching music)
(door alarm beeping)
- Hey! Wake up.
I need your help.
- What are you wearing?
- A disguise.
Don't worry.
(swish)
I have one for you too.
(techno Christmas music)
(cartoon spring sound)
(bomb ticking)
Come on, are we doing this or
what?
- Doing what?
- Grab your keys, bitch.
(woman speaks in foreign
language)
- [Man On Radio] I swear,
it's called "Space,"
and it's one of the best
shows I've ever seen.
Great job to the Brits,
whatever they're smoking right
now,
they better let us know ASAP.
- This is stupid.
Why are we dressed like this?
- What's more suspicious, two
people dressed in all black
scoping out a closed business,
or Miss Santa and her elf
casually sitting in a car.
(upbeat music)
- Well, considering
Christmas was last week,
I'm gonna say both.
- Whatever, you know I'm right.
Enough talk.
Time to act.
- This is dumb, they're
gonna know it was you
when your car is the
only one that's missing.
- Pop the trunk.
- Damn it.
What are you gonna do with that?
- Improvise.
- Stop! I don't want to
commit any felonies tonight!
Okay, look, (mumbles)
Let's just go home, order some
'za,
have a nice night in.
- Hey! Don't I always show up
for you?
- This is insane.
- Time to step up to the plate,
baby.
Right now.
- We're gonna get caught.
(music slows)
- [Man] Three, two, one, zero.
(glass shattering)
- [Announcer] Play ball!
(crowd cheering)
- [Woman] Drop dead! I go!
(heavy rock song begins)
(alarm blaring)
- Sorry, Patches.
(glass shattering)
(door buzzer buzzing)
(upbeat music)
- Damn, she did it.
(car beeping)
- Bingo.
(engine turning over)
(techno Christmas music)
(car beeping)
We have a winner.
- What the hell are you doing?
We've gotta get out of here.
- No we don't.
Here's what we're gonna do.
(keys jingling)
- [Radio Announcer] 98.1.
- Grab that car, drop it off a
block away.
I'll be there to pick you up.
Then we're gonna come
back, steal another car,
take my car and the other
car to a storage unit which I
have incredibly close.
I've rented two spaces there.
We leave the two cars there,
and this will remove any
suspicion
of just my car being stolen.
We wait a bit and boom,
everything will be just peachy.
(crickets chirping)
- Okay.
- Just follow me.
(upbeat rock music)
- [Kelly] Hell yeah.
Come on, come on, come on.
Hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry.
Just park it there.
See? We're all good.
- I can't believe that worked.
- I know.
Let's go get your car
and get a drink on me.
You deserve it.
(techno music)
(toilet flush)
(static)
- [Miguel] I'm in a really
good mood right now.
- [Kelly] Wait, look at this.
- [Miguel] This prick's
headlining all the time now?
- He's not a headliner,
you're a headliner.
- Effing right I am.
(Kelly sighs)
(bass guitar playing)
- The bar is that way.
- Nah, there's something I gotta
do first.
(head-bobbing music)
- I love this!
You got this, man.
Take no dance.
Take that mother out.
- Get me a drink.
Please.
- I'll be back.
- [Jim] Thank you, thank
you for coming out.
But more importantly, thank
you for the $20 cover.
My cocaine addiction lives
another day.
- Jack and coke coming
in hot, Rogue Leader.
- Hey, what, one more
day until the world ends?
It's perfect time to go get a
loan.
- Hah, I wish.
Wait why does that sound
familiar?
- Because that's my joke.
- [Jim] Y'know go out, spend.
You have a car you want? Buy it!
- Hey!
That's my joke.
- Ladies and gentlemen, boys and
girls,
give it up to Miguel,
my only friend's an alcoholic,
Cicero.
(audience applauding)
But seriously, how drunk
are you guys right now?
Have you seen these outfits?
What's going on there?
- Come on, you got this.
- [Jim] So you think
you're the only comedian
telling Y2K jokes?
- Just be original, man.
You heard me say that joke
yesterday.
- You think I'd steal from you?
You have one show on HBO and
everyone comes after you.
- Had! Past tense.
- Yeah, that's right.
You had a show on HBO.
Let's give this man a big
round of applause, huh?
(audience applauds)
- Oh shit, this is gonna be
good.
- Of course, it was the
lowest-rated show on the network
and it did get canceled after
episode two.
You never really talk about that
part.
- Well, at least I had one.
- That's true, and you
deserve props for that.
But don't talk down to people.
I'm not gonna sit here
and try to rap battle you
or out-joke you, that's
too fucking cliche.
- [Man In Audience] Face!
(audience whooping, heckling)
- Stop being such a dick, man.
Look, I mean we get it.
You had your 15 minutes of fame.
You got your hot girl.
I assume this is her from
the Zima that she's drinking
because Zima is for fucking
douche bags.
- Sounds like someone's jealous.
(audience gasps)
- [Man In Audience] No way!
- Maybe I am.
Maybe it's okay that I admit
that.
I mean, we all want something,
right?
Maybe it just infuriates me
when dickheads like this get it.
Oh, and your girl? She's super
hot.
And she seems very nice.
But you do realize she's gonna
leave you
as soon as you stop booking
gigs, right?
- No.
- Anyways, I've taken
up enough of your time.
Please get back to sucking your
own dick.
Please stop stealing my jokes.
Oh, and by the way, this guy
shit his pants in sixth grade.
- [Man In Audience] That's
fucking gross!
- Sixth grade.
Let that sink in.
You're like 12 in sixth grade.
- What are you even doing with
your life?
And I didn't shit myself.
- I know how that feels.
(audience applauding)
(microphone feedback)
(drum fill)
- [MC] Heya!
- How's that?
- Amazing.
- I approve.
- Well, that's what matters.
- Let's go get drinks at my
house.
- Deal.
- Squinty, put it on my tab!
That was badass.
- I do feel like a badass.
I could fucking take on anyone.
(door pounding)
- Hey!
Where the hell you think you're
going?
- Oh, shit.
- What, you think because I'm
famous
I can't kick your ass?
Let's go, I thought Puerto
Ricans loved to brawl.
- Uh, I'm Mexican, and
that's a stereotype.
- What are you gonna do about
it?
- [Kelly] This.
(punch)
(rock tones)
- Holy shit.
- Pig.
I like Puerto Ricans.
- I'm Mexican.
You know there's more places in
the world
than Puerto Rico that
speak Spanish, right?
- You know what I mean.
(Jim farting)
- [Miguel] He shit himself
again.
- [Kelly] No way, really?
- You better jet, the cops are
coming.
But before you leave,
can you pay your tab?
- Five-oh!
(upbeat music)
(Squinty bangs on door)
- [Kelly] Oh!
- Let's go!
- Calm down, the cops are not
coming.
(sirens blaring)
Oh shit!
- They're the cops!
Woo! Oh my gosh.
Oh my gosh I can't go home now.
Let's celebrate.
Let's crash a party, anything.
- That a boy, that's
what I'm talking about.
Yeah!
(tires squealing)
(music stops)
- [Miguel] What the hell.
(swipe)
- If we're gonna do this right,
I need to ask you something.
- Okay.
- Have you ever done cocaine?
(swipe)
(upbeat music)
(snorting)
- [Kelly] Ugh!
Let's get some booze!
- Yeah!
(Kelly shouting)
(glass clinking)
♪ Call out the guns and money ♪
♪ Got a situation ♪
- Get in line!
(car honking)
♪ Hey hey ♪
♪ Hey hey ♪
♪ Hey hey ♪
♪ Hey hey ♪
(car honking)
(Miguel laughing)
- I'm king of the world!
♪ A force of screaming and
riding ♪
(Kelly screeches)
- You fucking spilled me, dick.
(Miguel laughing)
♪ So I'm hiding underneath my
bed ♪
♪ Hey hey ♪
♪ Hey hey ♪
(car alarm sounding)
♪ Hey hey ♪
(music ends abruptly)
(Miguel hurling and coughing)
- Amateur.
(Kelly hurling)
(Miguel laughing)
(video game beeping)
♪ Hey hey ♪
♪ Hey hey ♪
- Huh, bitch ex-girlfriend's
having a party.
- Guess our invitations
got lost in the mail.
- Shall we?
- I've created a monster.
No way.
(bells jingling)
- (sigh) I can't do it!
- Do you need more cocaine?
- No, no I'm coked up pretty
good.
I-I can't bring myself to
destroy private property.
- Just think about all the
random dick she was slaying.
Remember your birthday
when she fucked a guy
in your back yard, during the
party?
- That was a misunderstanding.
- (stammers) But it pisses you
off, right?
- He was a really nice guy.
We became friends.
(bells tingling)
- (party guy) I hate Sinead
O'Conner.
Lindsy, get out here.
Some elf is gonna wreck your
car.
- Go go go go!
(car tires screeching)
- Yeah, that's right!
(snorting)
(electrical whine)
- Uh!
(evil laughter)
(bottles clinking)
(song ends)
(Miguel hurling and coughing)
- That's it, buddy.
Let it all out.
(Miguel coughing)
God, that smells.
(light head-bobbing music)
(car door slamming)
(music trailing off)
(door slamming)
(Miguel crashing)
(Miguel trips)
- [Miguel] Fuck.
(heavy breathing)
(Miguel sighs)
(water running)
- You're just getting in?
- No, no.
- It's 4:00 in the morning.
- No, no, no. Mama, no, no.
I was taking the trash out, I
was--
- And what the?
Oh, god, you smell like vomit.
- Mama, no.
Mama, I had a little too much to
drink.
Did I, did I get any mail?
- I don't know.
- Holy crap.
He's wasted.
Where you been?
- I was hanging out with
Kelly, what's the problem?
- What do you mean, what's the
problem? That girl needs help.
She needs a friend.
She doesn't need a drinking
buddy.
- Where is the mail?
- Look at him, look at him.
He can't even walk.
- It came.
I didn't get in.
- I'm sorry. That--
- Why?
No, no, no, why are you sorry?
Huh? That means he's gonna go to
school.
He's gotta finish his masters.
He can help out at the
house for once in his life.
- (scoffs) Come on, dad.
What, I don't wanna do any of
that.
- What do you mean you're not
gonna do any of that?
- Excuse me?
- [Miguel] I don't wanna go to
school.
I don't want to do any of that.
I'm gonna be a comedian.
(Dad speaks Spanish)
- Yeah, dad, I wanna be,
I wanna make people laugh, all
right?
And if it makes you feel
better to call me a clown,
that's fine, okay?
I don't call you an (speaks
Spanish)
because you do construction.
- Ah, Miguel!
- What, mama? What, huh?
Why can't I do what I love?
- Because you're gonna fail
Miguel.
It's not that easy.
You just don't go and become a
comedian.
Life doesn't work like that,
Miguel.
I busted my ass since
I was 15, 16 years old,
so I can give you a fucking life
and you're gonna waste it.
That's what you're gonna do.
- Nobody asked you to do that,
all right?
- Ooh.
- Excuse me?
- Look, maybe you're right.
- I am right. I am right.
- Okay? Maybe, maybe.
Maybe I'm gonna do it anyways.
- Baby--
- He doesn't understand.
He doesn't get it.
He doesn't care.
- Come, Arturo. (speaks
Spanish)
It's okay.
(Mom speaks Spanish)
(Dad speaks Spanish)
(parents speak Spanish)
(Miguel sighs)
(water running)
(dial tone blaring)
(phone keys beeping)
(phone ringing)
- [Girl On Answering Machine]
Hey, if you hear this, then...
(answering machine beeps)
- Hello.
(emotional music)
Are you there?
Okay.
I guess I'll just go for it
then.
I just needed to hear your
voice,
even if it was just to
tell me to stop calling.
(crackling)
But I need you to know that I'm
sorry.
I need to know that you know.
(light melancholy music)
I'm a shitty person.
I took advantage of you.
It hurts.
It hurts to dream about
you and wake up alone.
It hurts that I can't see your
smile.
And I can only hear you tell
me you love me in my head.
Some people are saying that
the world's gonna end tomorrow.
I'm okay with that. (sobs)
(Kelly sniffs)
I guess I better go.
Sorry.
I just, I needed someone to
talk to.
Bye.
(sniffling)
(clock ticking)
(upbeat music)
♪ Here it comes again ♪
♪ The space between the lines ♪
♪ Here it comes again ♪
♪ Here it comes again ♪
♪ Here it comes again ♪
(clock ticking)
(dog barking)
(water running)
(hammer pounding)
- [Kelly] Hey!
- Hey.
- What are you doing?
- You have a realtor, and
she already has three people
interested in this property.
- Already?
Oh god no, it's too early for
this.
- It's 10:00 A.M.
- Whatever.
- You get a new car?
- No, my friend lent it to me.
(phone ringing)
- Yellow, yup.
Really?
(laughs) That's great.
Yeah, thank you, I'll let her
know right now. Thank you.
Great news. We got an
offer, at asking price.
You'll be out of debt, Kelly.
Plus a little something more
to start you off on the right
foot.
- Get off my lawn, now!
Get off my property or
I'm calling the police.
- Kelly, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to be insensitive,
but this is a good thing.
- Until this house is
sold, it is mine. Now, get!
(door slamming)
(door alarm beeping)
- Welcome to Vulcan Video.
Dad?
Look, uh, I am so sorry about
last night.
I, uh, this morning, I think,
I was trying to say something.
- Please.
Where's uh, where's your boss?
- He called earlier,
he said he wasn't gonna be in
until later.
Why, what's up?
- What you said this morning,
how serious are you about it?
- Like, 80%?
Just joking, dad.
Look, I know you're mad at me,
and I know mom is mad at me.
I, I think that if I could just
explain it
a little bit better--
- Stop.
- I think that you would
really--
- Stop.
I want you out of the house
by the end of the week.
- Dad.
- You can explain
all you want.
It doesn't change the fact
that I think you're
throwing your life away.
It also means that all those
sacrifices
that your mother and I did for
you
are just being flushed
down a toilet for a hobby.
(light music)
I hope it's worth it.
♪ Mind is dead and breathing ♪
- [Miguel] Dad.
♪ The dignity of your disgrace ♪
♪ I find you off to leave
the trace inside me ♪
♪ All that I have left
now is your memory ♪
♪ 'Cause everything else
here just came unstoned ♪
(door slamming)
(glass clinking)
(upbeat music)
(door alarm beeping)
♪I'm on a tidal wave of brains ♪
- Miguel?
♪ I'm on a tidal wave of blood ♪
♪ This whole world's gone ♪
- Here you are.
- Here I am.
(Kelly sighs)
Jefe's coming by later to check
the books.
You can't be here drunk when he
does.
- (scoffs) He's not coming.
Come on, close up early.
Let's party like it's, it is,
1999.
- [Miguel] What's the point?
- I guess you're right, we're
all gonna die anyway, right?
Still, I think we should.
You know, New Year's Eve
traditions and all that shit.
- I am feeling anything
but traditional right now.
How long till midnight?
- Less than an hour, I think.
- Wow.
- Welp, if we're all gonna die
tonight,
might as well be while I am
tipsy.
- You're gonna drink again?
- Do you have any Dr. Pepper?
- [Miguel] No.
- Bourbon it is.
(Miguel sighs)
What's wrong?
I sense a disturbance in the
force.
- Stop.
Do you think I'm funny?
- [Kelly] What do you mean?
- [Miguel] It's a simple
question, yes or no.
Wait, do you think I suck?
- No!
- My dad, my dad kicked
me out of the house.
I said I wanted to quit
school and do comedy.
- Holy shit, you got into the
group!
(Miguel sighs)
Come on, I'm sure that--
- What? Hm?
What?
What were you gonna say?
That it's all gonna work out?
Hm? How? Please, enlighten me.
'Cause I feel like life is
taking a huge,
steaming shit on me right now.
So please, tell me how.
- Okay, I don't like this game.
- It isn't a game, it's the
truth.
I am so fucking tired of
being your little lackey.
I'm tired of my parents
thinking that I'm a joke.
I am so tired of being
in everyone's shadow, especially
yours.
- Why are you being this way?
- We stole cars.
We are felons, okay?
Do you even know what people
say about you behind your back?
How is it that I'm your only
friend?
- I don't give a fuck
what people think of me.
- Oh, there it is.
We can solve all the world's
problems the Kelly way,
in five seconds, by not giving a
fuck.
- Okay, look, I'm just trying to
help.
- You realize every time
you're just trying to help,
you inevitably make everything
worse.
You have to have realized
that by now, right?
Jesus Christ, I get what
you're trying to do,
but it doesn't fucking work that
way,
or maybe it does in
your little tiny bubble,
but for the rest of us,
it's a big fucking zero!
- Okay, you want me to shut up?
All right, I'll shut up.
Jesus.
- There you go, drink up.
- Hey, fuck you dude.
Okay, you don't get to
talk to me like this
just 'cause your dad treats you
like shit.
It doesn't mean you get
to talk to me this way.
- Yeah, well someone needs to.
You're always telling me to
stand up for myself, right?
You're always giving me advice.
How about you take some fucking
advice?
- There. Done.
Your turn.
- Oh, my turn?
I have a job.
I have responsibilities.
I went to college.
- You work in a video store,
okay?
You still live with your
parents.
Grow some fucking balls. Take a
risk.
- Oh, it's easy to take risks
when you have mommy and
daddy's safety net, right?
- You're trying to hurt me.
Please don't. Not you.
- Oh, look at that.
You were sober for all of 30
seconds.
Congratulations, we all
knew you could do it.
- Excuse me for wanting to feel
good
every now and then, okay?
Or not feel anything at all.
You wanna know why I drink?
'Cause I'm alone.
- Oh, don't guilt trip me.
- I'm not guilt tripping you.
I'm being honest.
- Okay, honest Abe, since
you're being truthful, right?
Did you steal Lindsy's car?
Hm?
What's that?
No answer.
Can you speak up a little bit?
Huh?
No quick come back?
Bye.
- I did it, okay? Are you happy?
- I know that you did.
You're not telling me anything I
don't know.
- I did it for you.
- Oh, you did it for me?
Well I haven't had a
chance to thank you yet.
- Yeah, I did it for you. She
treated you like shit.
She cheated on you.
- I loved her!
And you fucking cheated
too, so you can't say shit.
Why don't you fix your own
fucked up life
before you try fixing mine?
- You know, just 'cause
I don't talk about it,
doesn't mean that I'm not
fucking hurting,
that I don't miss my parents,
smelling my mom's perfume,
Sunday Night Football with dad.
Yeah, yeah, they left me money.
That's it.
- It was a lot of money.
- You think that just 'cause
I inherited some cash,
that everything is hunky fucking
dory.
- [Miguel] Well, I'm sure it
helped.
- Well it's gone, okay?
Does that make you feel better?
I'm fucking broke.
I'm in debt and I'm losing the
house.
This was all I had left.
I lost the love of my life
because I don't know how
to do anything else.
I didn't get a second and
third and fourth chance
like Lindsy did.
- [Miguel] Don't bring Lindsy
into this.
- No, fuck you, okay?
You want real? Here's real.
Okay? I've ruined every
relationship that I ever had.
At least you get to know
that it's not your fault.
I don't get that.
I get a ring and the
option to leave a message
that is never returned.
Why do you need their fucking
approval?
- Because unlike you, I actually
care
about what my parents think,
okay?
I mean, you fucking hated your
parents
till the day they died.
- Thanks.
- Look, I shouldn't have said
that, okay?
I don't know what the last five
years
have been like for you.
I'm sorry.
(tires screeching)
(car crashing)
He's gone.
- Yeah. So am I.
(man shouts in Spanish)
Miguel, you speak Spanish.
What's he saying?
- Uh, hey! Hey!
(Miguel speaks Spanish)
- What did you just say?
- Hey, man.
Look, I gotta call the cops.
You ran into my building.
You knocked the power out.
- The end is nigh.
The end is nigh.
- Okay, take a chill pill there,
Jim John.
- Jesus, Jesus is,
let her head.
(gun shooting)
- What was that?
- Uh, let's go inside, yeah?
(man shouts in Spanish)
- Way ahead of you.
(sirens blaring)
(gun shooting)
- Okay, the door is
locked, we're safe in here.
We can just settle down here.
We can just chill here.
The door is locked.
We are safe in here.
We can just wait things out.
There's cold pizza.
There's, there's beer.
- Yeah, yeah.
- We'll just wait it out.
- Okay.
(Miguel breathing heavily)
- I'm sorry.
I, I shouldn't have said that.
- You don't have to apologize.
You, you were just being honest.
- No, I,
(sighs) I was being a dick,
and I do need to apologize for
that,
so, I'm sorry.
- Okay, I think I just wanna be
alone.
I'll take this side.
- Come on.
You're my date for the
apocalypse, right?
(acoustic guitar music)
- Hey, I just wanted to--
- Ugh, stop being so
sentimental.
I know.
- I fucked up.
- Yeah, you did.
(guitar ends)
But, I remember
that you were the one
who held me at the funeral.
You were the one who came over
and stayed the night
when I was too afraid to
be alone in that house.
No matter how much shit
Lindsy gave you for it.
I pushed everyone away.
You stayed.
I was such a bitch to Nancy.
To my mom.
I blamed my dad for
everything, just 'cause he--
- No, no you weren't.
You weren't a bad daughter.
Not a bad daughter.
I mean, yeah a little immature
sometimes,
but at least you were honest.
- Not really.
- Yeah, yeah I mean you lied
about pretty much everything.
- Right?
- Like literally, like
everything.
(Kelly laughs)
Are you gonna go back to school?
- No, no I don't think so.
I don't really wanna be here
anymore.
I think we should move.
- Move where?
Where would we move?
- I mean New York is too
claustrophobic.
- Cool bars, though.
- Indeed.
No, I was thinking more like LA?
- Okay, I don't mean
to be a dick about it,
but you didn't get in, right?
- No, I didn't.
But thank you for reminding me
about that.
- Just making sure.
- No, but I mean, I can always
reapply.
I mean I'm not just gonna
quit because of one rejection.
I mean, I don't know,
there's really no point
in staying around here anymore,
is there?
(light guitar music)
- No, no there's not.
♪ Here's to the future my
friends ♪
♪ Hope I can see you there ♪
(sirens blaring)
(fireworks blasting)
♪ We'll have a drink together ♪
♪ Somewhere, somewhere,
somewhere ♪
(sirens blaring)
♪ Here's to the future
darlings ♪
♪ Whatever may come to pass ♪
♪ Send you with my good graces ♪
♪ That's how fast ♪
(music ends)
(alarm beeping)
- Oh, jeez.
(Kelly yawns)
Hey.
We didn't die.
(zap)
- Good.
I'll check the computer.
- I'll check outside.
- The power's still out.
- I know.
- There's no one on the road.
- I know.
- How do we know nothing
happened?
- I know.
(swipe)
(computer mouse clicking)
This might take a second.
(dial up internet beeping)
Could you put that on a coaster
please?
- What?
- Could you put that on a
coaster?
- Sorry.
Can we get some fried chicken
after this?
- Yeah, yeah, that sounds good.
All right, here we go.
(computer dinging)
- [AOL Man] You've got mail.
(Kelly and Miguel sigh heavily)
- Hey, look. Double zero.
- Nice.
Wait a minute, what if
it was a real life virus
and not a computer virus?
- Susan's always up this early.
(garage door creaking)
(suspenseful music)
(tongs clicking)
(Miguel sighs)
- Hi there!
Happy New Year!
You wanna come over and have
some burgers?
They're almost ready.
(Kelly grumbles)
(swipe)
(Miguel sighs)
- [Miguel] I knew everything
was gonna be all right.
What now?
(light guitar music)
- Listen, I appreciate
you coming in last minute.
I know this is all--
- Too fast?
A week on the market, and sold.
- Well apparently the
buyer grew up in that house
years before you.
And he had cash and is
willing to buy as is.
Plus there's a lot of people
buying multiple properties.
This is a good time to
be a real estate agent.
(phone ringing)
With this sale, this will take
care
of your outstanding debts.
- [Kelly] Goodie.
- Listen, I know it's not much,
but there was a little
something left over.
I also put a business card in
there, a real estate friend,
he'll help you find a place.
(Kelly sighs)
Get, get out of here.
I never liked you anyway.
- Ditto.
By the way, all the jokes and
crap
that they say about attorneys?
So true.
- Kelly!
I'm still here, if you ever need
anything.
Now go on, I mean get out of
here.
(phone ringing)
- Good day, Ms. Stone.
(cartoon pew)
(phone ringing)
(dog barking)
- You sure you wanna leave your
car?
Aren't you gonna need it in LA?
- I'll come back and get it.
We kinda just wanna find a
place and get settled in first.
- Okay.
- Uh, is my father home?
- No, he's working late.
- Is he ever gonna talk to me
again?
- He will, you'll see.
He just needs time.
- I'm gonna miss you.
- I gonna miss you too.
(birds chirping)
I love you.
- I love you too.
(light music)
(door latching)
♪ In your electric garden ♪
♪ Where anything bad can always
happen ♪
♪ Why do you change your mood so
often ♪
♪ Lost in all this talk and
dreaming ♪
♪ Now I'm suddenly careening ♪
♪ The weather of you went
from sun to raining ♪
- We stopping anywhere?
- Probably not.
- If the local fuzz don't pull
us over.
- No, we're good.
I took care of the repo cars
too.
- I don't even wanna know.
♪ We're gonna ride ♪
- Where are you going?
We got a long drive ahead of us.
- Yeah, this'll only take a
moment.
♪ If I tell you half the truth ♪
♪ Would it make you very wise ♪
♪ When I could promise you ♪
♪ By a move and listless skies ♪
♪ Let's take hands and crawl
down the crackling wildness ♪
♪ I miss math ♪
(door slamming)
(music ends)
- How'd it go?
- Got to say goodbye.
- What happened?
- Which way we headed?
- Well, I think we just take
this
until we hit I-35.
- Cool.
(car engine turning)
- [Radio Announcer] As
suspected nothing happened.
All that TV paranoia for what?
We're 10 minutes till 6:00 P.M.,
as we stroll by the first
week of the new millennium.
Have no fear, here are the
Magnetic Fields
with their always catchy,
"Desert Island."
Grab a beer, grab a
friend, pump some volume,
'cause the weekend and the
new millennium is among us.
♪ Desert island ♪
♪ Love is all around ♪
♪ Desert island ♪
♪ Where you can laugh aloud ♪
♪ Desert island ♪
♪ Everywhere's a beach ♪
♪ Desert island ♪
♪ That's what I wanna be ♪
♪ We'll develop muscles ♪
♪ From cracking coconuts ♪
♪ Let our clothing drop off ♪
♪ Feel each other's butts ♪
♪ Start a better country ♪
♪ Where we can get things done ♪
♪ Make a fortune turning ♪
♪ Sand to silicon ♪
♪ Desert island ♪
♪ Love is all around ♪
♪ Desert island ♪
♪ Where you can laugh aloud ♪
♪ Desert island ♪
♪ Everywhere's a beach ♪
♪ Desert island ♪
♪ That's what I wanna be ♪
♪ While we're still holding on ♪
♪ Counting days until
we're gone ♪
♪ Can we spend some time alone ♪
♪ In our free love zone ♪
♪ Desert island ♪
♪ Love is all around ♪
♪ Desert island ♪
♪ Where you can laugh aloud ♪
♪ Desert island ♪
♪ Everywhere's a beach ♪
♪ Desert island ♪
♪ That's what I wanna be ♪
♪ Desert island ♪
♪ Desert island ♪
♪ Desert island ♪
♪ Desert island ♪
(radio static)
- [Reporter] Just when
you thought it was safe to
look at a calendar, Y2K.
(radio static)
- [Reporter] FDIC-insured
banks guarantee your money,
up to $100,000,
and they insist that
January 1st, 2000 will be--
(radio static)
- People, I think, themselves
are afraid of the Y2K bug
with the computers.
(radio static)
- Are you concerned about Y2K?
(radio static)
- We have our intelligence
sources--
(radio static)
- There might be some glitches.
(radio static)
- If in fact, everything
works from here on out,
I will be the most amazed
person.
(radio static)
- [Reporter] This compound
is now being called
the first modern-day
equivalent of ill-ah-zaar,
end time predictions come.
- End time today.
(electrical explosion)
(police knocking)
(bell ringing)
- [Police Officer] Excuse me
ma'am,
are you Miss Kelly Stone?
- [Kelly] (sigh) I am, what's
this about?
(handcuffs click)
(car door slams)
(upbeat 8-bit music)
- [Man] The earth can have
butter, which is his Jew,
my spirit is thine, the better
part of me.
(upbeat music)
(rewinding music)
(door slamming and opening
repeatedly, footsteps)
- [Child] Every room is
painted a different color,
as if there were one room
for every separate mood.
(door slamming, footsteps)
(heavy gate opening)
(gate slam)
(upbeat rock music)
(digital glitching)
(woman shouting)
(child screaming)
♪ I can do what I want to see ♪
♪ And it still will fly ♪
♪ Just don't follow me ♪
♪ And these
can win on a scrap
of good form ♪
- Hey Ronnie.
- Hey!
- Let me get a pack of Eastwoods
and some of that Rockette.
Gotta get tonight's ammo,
you know what I'm saying?
(door dinging)
Thanks.
♪Save me from these words ♪
♪ I bring ♪
(glass shattering)
(film reel)
(song ends)
(static)
(funky background music)
- I've known her my whole life.
No Kelly, Kelly would never
do anything like that.
No, no, no, no.
(door alarm beeping)
Can I call you back?
Yeah, a customer just walked in.
Okay, I love--
(dial tone blaring)
Did you do it?
- Good fucking morning to you
too.
- I just got off the phone with
my--
- Ex?
- [Miguel] Lindsy.
Did you hear what happened to
her?
- Oh yeah, I think I might've
heard a thing or two.
- Hey. Hey!
I was being sarcastic.
She told me you were arrested.
A lot of people are talking.
All fingers are pointing at you.
- Let them talk.
Vultures, the lot of them.
- You can't smoke in here.
You know that.
- Free country.
- Out those doors it's a free
country.
Here, you're liable to obey
the rules of the establishment.
Stop changing the subject.
(coughs) Oh, you bitch.
Did you do it or not?
- No.
- Not sure I believe you.
You know I'm trying to get her
back right?
This sets me back a few notches.
"Aliens" is over there. Will
you please put that out?
Thank you.
- What do you keep
checking your watch for?
Gotta take the pill or
something?
- No, my 1:00 is almost here.
- Hey, you got any of
that uh, the new stuff?
- Yeah man. Back room.
Just put the new releases out.
- Hey Charlie.
- It's for a friend.
- Yeah, well tell your friend,
"Indiana Bones and Temple of
Poon" has a late fee on it.
- [Charlie] I'll let him know.
- That's a good one.
You had breakfast yet? I'm
starving.
- Yeah. I had coffee.
Look, I'm gonna ask you
one more time, okay?
As friends, did you do it?
- You know what?
Yeah, I did do it.
(rock music)
I Mission Impossible-d
my way into her house
and found the car keys,
took her car for a joy ride,
(keys beep)
pounded a few beers along
the way.
(honking, traffic sounds)
(glass breaks, grown)
When I ran out of booze,
I decided, why not just
go ahead and crash my car
into my favorite restaurant?
See if they got any juevos
rancheros?
'Cause I'm messed up like that.
(car horns wailing)
(swipe, ding)
(rock song ends)
- So you didn't do it?
- No. Jesus Christ.
How many different ways
do I have to tell you?
I. did. not.
(light guitar music)
- Okay, look, all right. I was
just making sure.
- What does it matter anyway?
You're supposed to be my
date for the apocalypse.
- That's not the point.
- It's exactly the point, okay?
She cheated on you all the time.
Oh no, wait. I'm wrong.
Except for the weekends, right?
When you guys would hang out?
Because that's when she
needed to take a break.
-That is--
-From all the other
dick she was slaying.
- That is so tacky and
also such a fucking lie.
Okay, yes. Checkmate.
(beep)
- Hmm, yeah, use whatever
adjective you want.
It doesn't change the
fact that she was a slut.
- Ah, ouch.
You know, I wonder why your
relationships never work out.
You're such a nice person.
- I just can't find anybody
who appreciates Jackie Chan
like I do.
(phone ringing)
To be continued.
- Yeah, Jackie Chan movies
are over there by the way.
(phone ringing, dog bark)
Vulcan Video, this is Miguel.
Ah, hola mama.
Yes. I'll be home for dinner.
Okay. Besos.
- [Woman] All my dedication,
something was waiting for
me just past the horizon.
My struggle was going to
pay off right?
- I know you said kisses.
- Your Spanish is getting
better.
- You all right?
- Yeah. I don't know.
My mom just called to make sure
I was gonna be home for dinner.
- Aw, mama's boy.
- The last time she made
sure I was home for dinner,
is when I was 15 to tell
me my grandpa had died.
- Ouch. Any of your
grandparents still alive?
- No, they're all dead.
- Score.
I mean, sorry, but you know,
at least no dead grandparents.
- That's true.
- Where is it?
- What movie are you looking
for?
- That's the thing. I don't
know.
Ah-ha. And I ain't talkin' about
the band.
- "Lost in Space," we have
plenty of that.
No one ever rents that.
- Ta da!
- Are you serious?
What if someone rented that?
What if Jefe found that?
- Okay, first of all,
no one ever rents this.
Secondly, if they did,
they'd get a great surprise,
and C, your boss is never here.
Why are you so afraid of him?
- Do you have any other
drugs hidden in the store?
- I don't know.
I don't think so.
Hey, do you want to smoke this?
It may help you relax.
- Hell yeah.
- Wow. That was easy.
(upbeat music)
(lighter clicking)
Fucking thing.
♪ What's the matter with me ♪
What time's your show tonight?
- Doors open at 7:00,
the show will probably start
around 8:00.
- Who are you opening for again?
- Jim Dawson, guy that
just got that HBO show.
- Oh yeah, the one with the
lowest ratings
in the network's history.
- True.
(Kelly coughs)
- Didn't that guy shit his
pants in the sixth grade?
- Can't get you to return
video tapes on time,
but you remember that?
- Doesn't happen very often.
By the way, I forgot to bring
back
the movies I borrowed last
night.
- (quietly) Yeah.
♪ Yourself when you touch me ♪
You heard back from that thing
in LA?
- That thing?
- Yeah, the, the thing, the,
I forgot what it's called.
- The improv group?
- Yeah.
- No, I haven't.
I've tried calling like a
million times,
but nobody seems to know
anything.
I'm supposed to get a letter in
the mail
in the next couple of days.
♪ It's better than nothing ♪
- If you got in, would you move
to LA?
- Unless the world ends.
(song ends)
Nah, my parents would hate it,
but I mean, it's where
all the top comics go
to perfect their craft, so.
- I think you should do it.
Yeah.
I think you're like way more
talented
than 80% of the comedians here,
so.
- Aw, thanks.
Oh shit, I gotta get the
new release on the racks
and then figure out which
family member croaked.
Maybe it was like a cousin.
Or maybe like my dad's--
I'm sorry.
- Don't worry about it.
I better head out.
I too have hugely important
things to do today
that I just simply cannot
postpone.
Pick you up at 6:30?
- Cool.
(water running)
(relaxing music)
♪ Breathe, ah ♪
♪ Just relax ♪
♪ It's just you ♪
♪ Be calm ♪
♪ You are above them ♪
♪ Breathe in ♪
♪ Breathe out ♪
(phone ringing)
- Jesus Christ.
What? Can this wait?
(sighs) All right. Okay.
I'll get dressed and come over.
(dial tone buzzing)
(phone ringing)
- So how are things?
- Peachy.
- How's the job hunt?
Kelly, when you inherited
your parents' money, I--
- Just cut to the chase.
- All right. You're out of
money.
- Wow. Harsh.
Wait, what?
- I'm sorry to be so
blunt, but that's the gist.
- That's impossible,
they left me quite a bit.
- Yeah, but your parents set
you up on a bi-monthly deposit
and you came in and begged
for it whenever you wanted.
And I enabled. I blame myself.
- Still something's not right.
I don't just throw my money
away.
(phone ringing)
- Well, within the last year,
you have bought a car, two
50-inch TVs,
multiple trips to Paris and
Mexico City,
you bought multiple gaming
systems,
you invested in a skate shop,
even though you have never set
foot
on a skateboard in your life,
you opened a cyber cafe,
then closed the doors three
months later
and the list goes on and on.
And not to mention your
recent run-ins with the law.
- Okay, you've proven your
point.
How much do I have left?
(paper tearing)
(bass thump)
- Detailed withdrawal
amounts and the dates.
(phone ringing)
- Oh, man.
- Listen, I know you hate
when I bring this up,
but I really think we need to
discuss--
- I'm not selling the house.
- This would solve all
your financial dilemmas.
- Well then I'll figure
something else out.
Is that it?
- Yeah.
- What a waste of my time,
you could have called with this
shit.
- [Child] Ready to win, to
reality in three, two, one.
(melancholy music)
(crying sounds)
(music tempo increases)
(car engine turning over)
(music ends)
- [Video Game Announcer]
Get set and let's play.
(8bit video game sounds)
(muffled newscaster speaking)
- Can you pass the uh?
Can you pass the?
Did somebody die?
- Who died?
- Mama, who died?
- What? Nobody died.
- [Dad] Try to get me upset?
- [Mom] Why would you say that?
- I'm sorry, it's just, you
never call
to invite me home for dinner.
Last time you did, abuelito
passed away.
- Oh! No, everyone's fine.
- Then why did you call?
I have to get ready for my show.
- What show?
- Well you're not going to one
of those foam parties are you?
- What?
- I read somewhere that some
sickos,
they wait until
everybody's covered in foam
and then they're prick you with
a needle infected with aids.
You get aids.
- Oh yeah. I am going to one
of those, the foam party.
That's what I'm doing.
No, I'm not going to a foam
party, dad.
Stop reading the news.
- By the way, did your boss
fix that issue at work?
- What? No. People are totally
overreacting.
- I honestly hope it happens.
You kids waste too much time
on that thing and watching TV.
(dad speaks in Spanish)
- You guys are freaking out.
- I agree.
- Just what I read.
- Um, where are you going
tonight? (video game beeping)
- I have a show.
- Still?
- Yes, still, mom.
It's not like it's a cold
that's just gonna go
away in a couple of days.
It's what I love to do.
- I like to build stuff.
Doesn't mean that I'm Bob Vila.
- By the way, you got
something in the mail.
- Congratulations.
- You're the first one to finish
college.
And the first one to go for your
masters.
I'm proud of you, son.
(car horn beeping)
- I gotta go.
(car horn beeping)
- You didn't finish your dinner.
(car horn beeping)
- I'll heat it up later,
when I get back.
(car horn beeping)
- Let him have his fun.
Once he gets back and
starts cracking the book,
he's not gonna have time for
comedy.
(light upbeat music)
(Kelly screams)
- Oh, good god.
- Oh, that's gonna be a good
one.
- I'm probably gonna look like
an asshole.
- So what else is new?
- Don't think you're supposed to
do that.
- Of course you are.
It says so right on the box.
- Do not shake.
- What do they know?
(bass drop)
- Oh, I look like shit.
- Nonsense.
You look super handsome.
(Miguel sighs)
By the way, check this out.
(techno beeping)
- How much did that cost?
- Not as much as that smile.
Are you ready, king of comedy?
- The guy in that movie was
psychotic.
(radio static)
- Nope. That's no right.
Hold on. Let me do that again.
(radio tuning)
(funky drums)
Now, are you ready?
- Sure.
(upbeat rock music)
- Might want to slow
down, leaving Las Vegas.
That's your third drink
in, like, 15 minutes.
- It's the only way I put
up with your funny friends.
Just kidding.
- You don't have to
apologize for being honest.
- It's no wonder this
place is losing money,
it takes forever to get
a drink around here.
(glass shattering)
- Cut the guy some slack, man.
He's been through a lot.
He's got one arm.
You're doing great, buddy.
- I guess you're right.
At least I'm out of the house
and away from that cunt, Susan.
- What the fuck?
You can't just throw around
the C word like that.
- You can if you've met Susan.
- You know, living in
your parents' basement
has its positives,
definitely its negatives.
Positives, free rent, free
food, parents have cable.
Not too shabby.
(one person clapping)
- What are they talking about
you?
- Good one.
- My masturbation game
is at an all time low.
I gotta get those parents
to upgrade to premium cable.
- Seriously dude. Come on.
- Stop! What the--
- Get off the stage.
- Stop!
- That should be
you up there, come on.
This is bullshit.
- You can't just heckle the
talent.
- He fucking sucks.
- He seems like a nice guy.
- All right, I'm gonna go get
ready.
I'll see you bit?
- Cool.
- I mean, I'll fuck him. Yeah.
They gotta leave, it's always
them and not me.
- Tell Squinty it's on my tab.
- I mean it's a really good
situation if you think about
it, right?
My own spot.
I can keep them out
whenever I want, you know?
Keep the parents out.
Longest relationship?
Probably two weeks, 18 days or
so.
(toilet flushing)
(Kelly heaving)
(water running)
- Hey Kelly, are you okay?
- Yeah, I just had a bad
sandwich earlier, what's up?
- Miguel's freaking out again.
- (sighs) I'm on my way.
Wait, do you have any gum?
- I have a Tic Tac.
(techno rock music)
- You're a doll.
How's it going up there?
- Fine.
I'm freaking out.
- I know, I'm kidding.
You do this every time.
- (scoffs) You should try
stand up one of these days.
- Fuck no, I'm not insane.
Look, you got this.
Own it, open up, stand tall and
pose,
and have fun.
Stand up for yourself.
Go out there and show them
that you are here, yeah?
Plus, I'm in your corner, kid.
Come on, let's go.
You got this.
- Thank you, thank you.
It's been great, awesome.
(swiping sounds)
- All right, give it up
for my boy, Mike Giovanni.
- Real quick, so my band,
Superficial Fat Girls,
is playing across the
street in 15 minutes.
We're like Alice in Chains
meets NSYNC, come check it out.
Two for one buds, chicks get in
for free.
- All right, crazy white boy
stole my mic.
Okay, all right, you heard it
here first.
After party's across the street.
Before you get that thirst
quenched,
I got something spicy, caliente,
for you.
- Go, go, go! You got this.
- My boy, Miguel Cis, Cicero!
(upbeat music)
(audience cheering)
- Yeah, Miguel! Right?
(music ends)
(background chatter)
- Hey guys, uh, my name is
Miguel.
It's nice to meet you guys,
but don't worry, in a couple
days, it's not gonna matter
'cause the world is coming to
an end, according to Fox News,
you know?
- Sup, girl? Is that your--
- Go fuck yourself, jock strap.
- Aight.
- So, time to take out those
loans, huh?
(one person laughing)
Go out and spend, if you want,
go get a new car maybe, you
know?
'Cause it's not gonna matter,
'cause the world--
(one person clapping)
- [Man In Audience] Boo!
(eerie music)
(man coughing)
- (distorted) I'm a Pisces.
That's a fish.
You guys like fish? Round
of applause for fish?
(audience applauding)
- [Man] God, sounded like you
sucked ass.
- [Miguel] Thanks man.
(woman whistling)
(bomb sound effect)
- That's you bombing, Miguel.
- At least my grandma
didn't die yesterday.
- [Man] Oh, man.
(woman sobbing)
- Hey! There he is.
Yeah, we got the next
Chris Rock over here,
ladies and gentlemen.
Whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo!
- You're too nice.
- Come on, you did great.
- I sucked.
- Nonsense.
- Oh yeah?
Hey, Sofie, how'd I do?
(swish)
- Shitty. No offense.
(swish)
- None taken.
See?
- Come on, you're too hard on
yourself.
- [Jim] How do you say
anal sex in Spanish?
- Why don't you ask your mom?
She can't seem to get
enough of it.
(Kelly laughs)
- [Jim] Grade A comedy.
You see, at HBO, we really like
to finesse
and revolutionize comedy.
- Hey, didn't your show get
canceled after two episodes?
How do you say that in Spanish,
Miguel?
- Cancelado.
- [Jim] Well, when you compete
with Monday Night Football--
- Yeah, that's what it
was, Dawson's Creek.
- All right all right.
Everybody out there having fun
or what?
- [Man In Audience] Your mom's
having fun.
- Hey, motherfucker, you wanna
come up here and disrespect me,
huh? (barks)
- Better calm this crowd down
before we have a full riot on
our hands.
Excuse me.
Here, hold this for me.
- Huh, I was gonna get this
party down,
but now fuck this dude, huh?
Huh?
(audience applauding)
- Hello, ladies and gentlemen,
my name is Jim Dawson.
Let's give it up for C Average.
Oh come on people,
it's hard to be on stage and
keep you assholes pumped.
So when HBO approached
me, I couldn't believe it.
You know, the first
thing I think is what's,
well what's my contract
gonna look like you know?
How much, how many zeroes are
we gonna put on this bad boy?
- And he's really just gonna
talk about his fucking show
and not even do a fucking joke.
- Pompous douche.
- Wanna go across the street?
This place kinda sucks.
I don't think I can
just listen to him brag
the entire night.
- I'm down.
(glass banging)
(Kelly belches)
Squinty, put it on my tab?
- You still haven't paid for
your tab since last month.
(glass shattering)
- Thanks love.
- Give me a hand?
- Yeah?
- [Man In Car] And I looked,
and behold, a pale horse.
And the name that said on
him was death and hell.
(car horn beeping)
- Jesus!
- So repent
- Bible humping fanatic!
- Yeah!
- [Man In Car] Repent
for the end is thine.
You must repent for the end is--
- (laughs) Good one.
(upbeat rock music)
(audience applauding)
I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
- I'll get the drinks.
(dial tone blaring)
(phone ringing)
- [Girl On Answering Machine]
Hey! If you hear this then...
(answering machine beeps)
(light rock music)
♪ Would I want ♪
♪ I want it ♪
♪ Would I wanna do ♪
♪ You know it's what I want to
do ♪
♪ I want that ♪
♪ What I want to do ♪
♪ Yeah if I could I'd like ♪
♪ Might not show now ♪
- Uh, this thing was on special,
so I got this for...you okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
Just a lot of cigarette smoke in
here.
- Well, only two types of
people wear sunglasses indoors.
- Well, I'm not blind,
so I guess that makes me an
asshole.
- She didn't answer?
- No.
- [Miguel] I'm sorry.
- It is what it is.
- Sorry.
- Fuck!
- Watch it,
captain.
- Captain be my,
captain be my name.
Don't wear it out.
Hope you guys enjoy the show.
(bird squawks)
Don't touch me Polly Polly.
(bird trills)
- Great, Davy Jones is gonna
play.
- Do you know these guys?
- No, but if they're playing
here,
it means they're not any good.
- All right, you ready for the
rock?
(crowd cheers)
- Jesus Christ.
- 1, 2, 3, 4!
(upbeat rock music)
- I don't know if I can sit
through the whole set.
- He's got some moves.
- Hey, what's the over under
that they go on tour and drown?
♪ There's blood in the streets
tonight ♪
- I kinda wish that was a real
parrot.
♪ There's demons in the sky ♪
- This guy's doing what he
loves.
Gotta respect that.
- I mean, there's no way he's--
- Can we get some shots?
♪ Is my brain ♪
♪ Is your blood the
same blood in my face ♪
- I mean, look, if you don't
want it.
♪ Is your pain the same pain as
mine ♪
- Let's get the fuck out of
here.
♪ I don't feel anything ♪
- Man, do not ever make
me go to that bar again.
- Lindsy.
- Miguel.
Hi.
You.
- I thought you hated this
place.
- One of my friends is playing.
- No way.
Pirate boy, that's your friend?
- Would you mind waiting for me
inside?
- Of course, babe.
Let's go.
- Can you ask Jackie
Daniels to give us a sec?
- (scoffs) Yeah, that
was actually pretty good.
- What's up, Miguel?
- Don't do that.
Don't condescend to me.
Jesus, are you made of ice?
- Hate her.
- Don't change the subject.
- I just, don't love you
anymore.
- Do you love him?
- I don't know.
Maybe.
- Shit.
What a fucking way to end the
year.
Is that the guy you left me for?
Fucking Ron Howard in there?
How?
We were together for two years?
You met him last month?
- [Lindsy] I know.
- Just, it just doesn't make any
sense.
- Look, okay, so, you and I,
like this.
With him.
I know what I did was wrong.
(light music)
I'm sorry.
♪ It's okay ♪
♪ You go down and take ♪
♪ This whole life ♪
♪ You'll never lose your mind ♪
- Who needs a drink?
Am I right or am I right?
(music ends)
(door slamming)
(deep sigh)
- You all right?
I know what'll cheer you up.
(laser zapping)
(techno music)
- That's, uh, that's truly
amazing craftsmanship there.
I'm fine.
I could use a drink though.
- Now you're talking my
language.
Let's go to my house.
- Are you sure you're okay to
drive?
You've been pounding the pestle
pretty hardcore all night.
- I'm fine. I had a couple.
Like three, at the last bar.
I'm fine. I'm fine.
- [Miguel] Whoah!
(Kelly giggling)
(heavy rock music)
Scared the crap out of me.
It was a joke, right?
- [Kelly] Yeah, (laughs) kinda.
(upbeat music)
Yes! Fuckin' love this song!
Whoo!
(Miguel heaving)
(music stops)
- I just cheated death!
(Miguel and Kelly cheering)
(music restarts)
- Yes! Yeah!
Whoo! That's my friend! Whoo!
(Miguel and Kelly grunting)
(music ends abruptly)
(dog barking)
(distant mechanical buzzing)
(Miguel wincing)
(Miguel coughing)
(Miguel sighs)
- Hey!
(water running)
(birds chirping)
(dog barking)
(car approaching)
(zap)
(tow truck beeping)
(upbeat pop music)
♪ Here it comes again ♪
♪ The space between the lines ♪
♪ Here it comes again ♪
♪ Here it comes again ♪
♪ Here it comes again,
what's looming in my mind ♪
♪ Here it comes again ♪
♪ Here it comes again ♪
- Miguel did you make coffee?
♪ It had to be this way ♪
♪ You asked me for a ring ♪
♪ And I would graciously
resist ♪
♪ If I die ♪
(music ends)
(truck sounds)
(bells ringing)
(birds singing)
- Wow, what the hell.
Hey, what the fuck, man?
What do you think you're doing?
- Due to lack of payments,
I am authorized to repossess
your vehicle until such--
- Fuck you, redneck.
- That was uncalled for.
- Yeah, yeah.
I'm sorry.
Hey, is there any way
that you could, like,
not take my car?
You wanna call it, like a,
a late Christmas present?
(trucker chuckles)
- Lady, I'm gay.
(upbeat music)
(trucker chuckles)
Merry Christmas!
♪ Scenic pastures ♪
♪ Nervous from your service
marked conversation ♪
♪ Seen it happen ♪
- Look who it is.
Enjoying the fucking show,
Susan?
Yeah, I'm in my fucking
underwear,
and they just took my fucking
car!
Why don't you tell the whole
fucking world about it huh?
Fuck you! Jesus Christ.
- Oh shit.
(music ends)
(truck rumbling)
(mechanical sounds)
(bell ringing)
(indistinct chatter)
(music begins)
(woman laughing)
(phone ringing)
(woman laughing)
♪ Scenic pastures ♪
♪ Nervous from your service
marked conversation ♪
♪ Seen it happen ♪
♪ A million times before ♪
♪ Why do you want me to go ♪
♪ Why don't you want me
to know, why? ♪
- Next.
(bells ringing)
Next.
- One of your people gave me
this.
Is everything okay?
- Your car was towed
due to lack of payment.
- Yeah, I know.
How do I get it back?
- Please be careful.
Patches passed away recently.
(bark, tinkling bell)
- How do I get my car back?
- You pay.
- Look I promise to pay double
what I owe
if you just give me some more
time.
(phone ringing)
Come on.
Please don't tow my car.
It's all I have left.
- The only way the vehicle can
be released
is if the customer pays the full
debt owed
plus the time charges, of
course.
(bell ringing)
- Doris, I've been outside for
minutes,
can you let me in?
- [Doris] Oh, I apologize,
camera's been acting up.
- Is there a higher up I can
speak to?
- You can speak to the manager.
- Okay, I'd like to speak to the
manager.
(stinger)
- Can I help you?
- Touche.
Get me the owner.
- I knew I should have put this
one out.
(stinger)
- Do you have one that says
bitch?
- Fresh out of that one.
Thank you for stopping by.
(bell dinging)
(pen tapping)
- Yes, I'm still here.
- [Woman On Phone] Yeah,
I can't seem to find
anyone at submissions,
so you're just, you know,
screwed.
- Well, do you know
when the acceptance letters are
going out?
- [Woman On Phone]
Acceptance letters went out,
oh let me see, end of the week,
yeah.
- Oh, okay.
I'm sorry to keep bothering you.
Do you happen to have a list of
the names
of the people that were
accepted?
- I do.
- Oh!
- [Woman On Phone] Not.
- Was that a joke?
- [Woman On Phone] I mean, I
do work at an improv group.
- (sighs) I guess I'll
just wait for the letter.
- [Woman On Phone]
Yeah, shouldn't be long.
Uh, okay, so thank you so much,
bye bye.
- Yeah, no, no. Thank you.
- [Woman On Phone] What did you
say?
- Huh?
Nothing.
- You said something.
- I didn't say anything.
- [Woman On Phone] Are you sure?
- No, I--
- [Woman On Phone] 'Cause it
sounded like you said the F
word.
- I didn't say, I didn't say,
do you have, I'll talk, goodbye.
(dial tone blaring)
(upbeat marching music)
- Excuse me, Ms. Stone!
- Bite me.
(phone ringing)
Put the cold cuts down,
Bluestein, we need to chat.
- Son of a,
you gotta stop doing this Kelly.
- I'm sure the salami sandwich
can wait.
- I'm sorry sir, she just
stormed in here.
- It, it, it's okay.
Go ahead and shut the door.
I'll take care of it.
What is it this time?
- How much money do I have left?
- You could have called me for
that.
- Yeah, well, shoulda, coulda,
didn't.
(cash register ca-ching-ing)
(Kelly sighs)
There's two amounts here.
- Yeah, that's how much you owe.
And that is what is in your bank
account.
- Oh my.
- Listen, we need to discuss
consolidating your debt.
- No need.
Can we sell the house?
- I've only been suggesting
that for how many years now?
- Yeah, yeah.
Do I have another option?
- [Mr. Bluestein] No.
- Okay then.
Let's make it happen, captain.
- Kelly, your parents
were friends of mine,
which is why I let you barge
in here whenever you want.
But I need to make this
crystal clear to you,
once we start this, you have
to see it through, okay?
This costs money, money
that you do not have.
(woman knocking)
- I'm sorry, sir.
Mrs. Charles called, she wants
to know
if she should withdraw her money
and keep it under her mattress
in case the computers go
whack-a-doo.
- (sighs) Okay, I'll take
care of it. Thank you.
(phone ringing)
- I'm sorry I barged in.
I just, I don't know what I'm
doing.
- We can wait.
You know, let's just
give it a little time.
- Just get rid of it.
(phone ringing)
- Hello Mrs. Charles.
(upbeat marching music)
(door alarm beeping)
- Hey! Wake up.
I need your help.
- What are you wearing?
- A disguise.
Don't worry.
(swish)
I have one for you too.
(techno Christmas music)
(cartoon spring sound)
(bomb ticking)
Come on, are we doing this or
what?
- Doing what?
- Grab your keys, bitch.
(woman speaks in foreign
language)
- [Man On Radio] I swear,
it's called "Space,"
and it's one of the best
shows I've ever seen.
Great job to the Brits,
whatever they're smoking right
now,
they better let us know ASAP.
- This is stupid.
Why are we dressed like this?
- What's more suspicious, two
people dressed in all black
scoping out a closed business,
or Miss Santa and her elf
casually sitting in a car.
(upbeat music)
- Well, considering
Christmas was last week,
I'm gonna say both.
- Whatever, you know I'm right.
Enough talk.
Time to act.
- This is dumb, they're
gonna know it was you
when your car is the
only one that's missing.
- Pop the trunk.
- Damn it.
What are you gonna do with that?
- Improvise.
- Stop! I don't want to
commit any felonies tonight!
Okay, look, (mumbles)
Let's just go home, order some
'za,
have a nice night in.
- Hey! Don't I always show up
for you?
- This is insane.
- Time to step up to the plate,
baby.
Right now.
- We're gonna get caught.
(music slows)
- [Man] Three, two, one, zero.
(glass shattering)
- [Announcer] Play ball!
(crowd cheering)
- [Woman] Drop dead! I go!
(heavy rock song begins)
(alarm blaring)
- Sorry, Patches.
(glass shattering)
(door buzzer buzzing)
(upbeat music)
- Damn, she did it.
(car beeping)
- Bingo.
(engine turning over)
(techno Christmas music)
(car beeping)
We have a winner.
- What the hell are you doing?
We've gotta get out of here.
- No we don't.
Here's what we're gonna do.
(keys jingling)
- [Radio Announcer] 98.1.
- Grab that car, drop it off a
block away.
I'll be there to pick you up.
Then we're gonna come
back, steal another car,
take my car and the other
car to a storage unit which I
have incredibly close.
I've rented two spaces there.
We leave the two cars there,
and this will remove any
suspicion
of just my car being stolen.
We wait a bit and boom,
everything will be just peachy.
(crickets chirping)
- Okay.
- Just follow me.
(upbeat rock music)
- [Kelly] Hell yeah.
Come on, come on, come on.
Hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry.
Just park it there.
See? We're all good.
- I can't believe that worked.
- I know.
Let's go get your car
and get a drink on me.
You deserve it.
(techno music)
(toilet flush)
(static)
- [Miguel] I'm in a really
good mood right now.
- [Kelly] Wait, look at this.
- [Miguel] This prick's
headlining all the time now?
- He's not a headliner,
you're a headliner.
- Effing right I am.
(Kelly sighs)
(bass guitar playing)
- The bar is that way.
- Nah, there's something I gotta
do first.
(head-bobbing music)
- I love this!
You got this, man.
Take no dance.
Take that mother out.
- Get me a drink.
Please.
- I'll be back.
- [Jim] Thank you, thank
you for coming out.
But more importantly, thank
you for the $20 cover.
My cocaine addiction lives
another day.
- Jack and coke coming
in hot, Rogue Leader.
- Hey, what, one more
day until the world ends?
It's perfect time to go get a
loan.
- Hah, I wish.
Wait why does that sound
familiar?
- Because that's my joke.
- [Jim] Y'know go out, spend.
You have a car you want? Buy it!
- Hey!
That's my joke.
- Ladies and gentlemen, boys and
girls,
give it up to Miguel,
my only friend's an alcoholic,
Cicero.
(audience applauding)
But seriously, how drunk
are you guys right now?
Have you seen these outfits?
What's going on there?
- Come on, you got this.
- [Jim] So you think
you're the only comedian
telling Y2K jokes?
- Just be original, man.
You heard me say that joke
yesterday.
- You think I'd steal from you?
You have one show on HBO and
everyone comes after you.
- Had! Past tense.
- Yeah, that's right.
You had a show on HBO.
Let's give this man a big
round of applause, huh?
(audience applauds)
- Oh shit, this is gonna be
good.
- Of course, it was the
lowest-rated show on the network
and it did get canceled after
episode two.
You never really talk about that
part.
- Well, at least I had one.
- That's true, and you
deserve props for that.
But don't talk down to people.
I'm not gonna sit here
and try to rap battle you
or out-joke you, that's
too fucking cliche.
- [Man In Audience] Face!
(audience whooping, heckling)
- Stop being such a dick, man.
Look, I mean we get it.
You had your 15 minutes of fame.
You got your hot girl.
I assume this is her from
the Zima that she's drinking
because Zima is for fucking
douche bags.
- Sounds like someone's jealous.
(audience gasps)
- [Man In Audience] No way!
- Maybe I am.
Maybe it's okay that I admit
that.
I mean, we all want something,
right?
Maybe it just infuriates me
when dickheads like this get it.
Oh, and your girl? She's super
hot.
And she seems very nice.
But you do realize she's gonna
leave you
as soon as you stop booking
gigs, right?
- No.
- Anyways, I've taken
up enough of your time.
Please get back to sucking your
own dick.
Please stop stealing my jokes.
Oh, and by the way, this guy
shit his pants in sixth grade.
- [Man In Audience] That's
fucking gross!
- Sixth grade.
Let that sink in.
You're like 12 in sixth grade.
- What are you even doing with
your life?
And I didn't shit myself.
- I know how that feels.
(audience applauding)
(microphone feedback)
(drum fill)
- [MC] Heya!
- How's that?
- Amazing.
- I approve.
- Well, that's what matters.
- Let's go get drinks at my
house.
- Deal.
- Squinty, put it on my tab!
That was badass.
- I do feel like a badass.
I could fucking take on anyone.
(door pounding)
- Hey!
Where the hell you think you're
going?
- Oh, shit.
- What, you think because I'm
famous
I can't kick your ass?
Let's go, I thought Puerto
Ricans loved to brawl.
- Uh, I'm Mexican, and
that's a stereotype.
- What are you gonna do about
it?
- [Kelly] This.
(punch)
(rock tones)
- Holy shit.
- Pig.
I like Puerto Ricans.
- I'm Mexican.
You know there's more places in
the world
than Puerto Rico that
speak Spanish, right?
- You know what I mean.
(Jim farting)
- [Miguel] He shit himself
again.
- [Kelly] No way, really?
- You better jet, the cops are
coming.
But before you leave,
can you pay your tab?
- Five-oh!
(upbeat music)
(Squinty bangs on door)
- [Kelly] Oh!
- Let's go!
- Calm down, the cops are not
coming.
(sirens blaring)
Oh shit!
- They're the cops!
Woo! Oh my gosh.
Oh my gosh I can't go home now.
Let's celebrate.
Let's crash a party, anything.
- That a boy, that's
what I'm talking about.
Yeah!
(tires squealing)
(music stops)
- [Miguel] What the hell.
(swipe)
- If we're gonna do this right,
I need to ask you something.
- Okay.
- Have you ever done cocaine?
(swipe)
(upbeat music)
(snorting)
- [Kelly] Ugh!
Let's get some booze!
- Yeah!
(Kelly shouting)
(glass clinking)
♪ Call out the guns and money ♪
♪ Got a situation ♪
- Get in line!
(car honking)
♪ Hey hey ♪
♪ Hey hey ♪
♪ Hey hey ♪
♪ Hey hey ♪
(car honking)
(Miguel laughing)
- I'm king of the world!
♪ A force of screaming and
riding ♪
(Kelly screeches)
- You fucking spilled me, dick.
(Miguel laughing)
♪ So I'm hiding underneath my
bed ♪
♪ Hey hey ♪
♪ Hey hey ♪
(car alarm sounding)
♪ Hey hey ♪
(music ends abruptly)
(Miguel hurling and coughing)
- Amateur.
(Kelly hurling)
(Miguel laughing)
(video game beeping)
♪ Hey hey ♪
♪ Hey hey ♪
- Huh, bitch ex-girlfriend's
having a party.
- Guess our invitations
got lost in the mail.
- Shall we?
- I've created a monster.
No way.
(bells jingling)
- (sigh) I can't do it!
- Do you need more cocaine?
- No, no I'm coked up pretty
good.
I-I can't bring myself to
destroy private property.
- Just think about all the
random dick she was slaying.
Remember your birthday
when she fucked a guy
in your back yard, during the
party?
- That was a misunderstanding.
- (stammers) But it pisses you
off, right?
- He was a really nice guy.
We became friends.
(bells tingling)
- (party guy) I hate Sinead
O'Conner.
Lindsy, get out here.
Some elf is gonna wreck your
car.
- Go go go go!
(car tires screeching)
- Yeah, that's right!
(snorting)
(electrical whine)
- Uh!
(evil laughter)
(bottles clinking)
(song ends)
(Miguel hurling and coughing)
- That's it, buddy.
Let it all out.
(Miguel coughing)
God, that smells.
(light head-bobbing music)
(car door slamming)
(music trailing off)
(door slamming)
(Miguel crashing)
(Miguel trips)
- [Miguel] Fuck.
(heavy breathing)
(Miguel sighs)
(water running)
- You're just getting in?
- No, no.
- It's 4:00 in the morning.
- No, no, no. Mama, no, no.
I was taking the trash out, I
was--
- And what the?
Oh, god, you smell like vomit.
- Mama, no.
Mama, I had a little too much to
drink.
Did I, did I get any mail?
- I don't know.
- Holy crap.
He's wasted.
Where you been?
- I was hanging out with
Kelly, what's the problem?
- What do you mean, what's the
problem? That girl needs help.
She needs a friend.
She doesn't need a drinking
buddy.
- Where is the mail?
- Look at him, look at him.
He can't even walk.
- It came.
I didn't get in.
- I'm sorry. That--
- Why?
No, no, no, why are you sorry?
Huh? That means he's gonna go to
school.
He's gotta finish his masters.
He can help out at the
house for once in his life.
- (scoffs) Come on, dad.
What, I don't wanna do any of
that.
- What do you mean you're not
gonna do any of that?
- Excuse me?
- [Miguel] I don't wanna go to
school.
I don't want to do any of that.
I'm gonna be a comedian.
(Dad speaks Spanish)
- Yeah, dad, I wanna be,
I wanna make people laugh, all
right?
And if it makes you feel
better to call me a clown,
that's fine, okay?
I don't call you an (speaks
Spanish)
because you do construction.
- Ah, Miguel!
- What, mama? What, huh?
Why can't I do what I love?
- Because you're gonna fail
Miguel.
It's not that easy.
You just don't go and become a
comedian.
Life doesn't work like that,
Miguel.
I busted my ass since
I was 15, 16 years old,
so I can give you a fucking life
and you're gonna waste it.
That's what you're gonna do.
- Nobody asked you to do that,
all right?
- Ooh.
- Excuse me?
- Look, maybe you're right.
- I am right. I am right.
- Okay? Maybe, maybe.
Maybe I'm gonna do it anyways.
- Baby--
- He doesn't understand.
He doesn't get it.
He doesn't care.
- Come, Arturo. (speaks
Spanish)
It's okay.
(Mom speaks Spanish)
(Dad speaks Spanish)
(parents speak Spanish)
(Miguel sighs)
(water running)
(dial tone blaring)
(phone keys beeping)
(phone ringing)
- [Girl On Answering Machine]
Hey, if you hear this, then...
(answering machine beeps)
- Hello.
(emotional music)
Are you there?
Okay.
I guess I'll just go for it
then.
I just needed to hear your
voice,
even if it was just to
tell me to stop calling.
(crackling)
But I need you to know that I'm
sorry.
I need to know that you know.
(light melancholy music)
I'm a shitty person.
I took advantage of you.
It hurts.
It hurts to dream about
you and wake up alone.
It hurts that I can't see your
smile.
And I can only hear you tell
me you love me in my head.
Some people are saying that
the world's gonna end tomorrow.
I'm okay with that. (sobs)
(Kelly sniffs)
I guess I better go.
Sorry.
I just, I needed someone to
talk to.
Bye.
(sniffling)
(clock ticking)
(upbeat music)
♪ Here it comes again ♪
♪ The space between the lines ♪
♪ Here it comes again ♪
♪ Here it comes again ♪
♪ Here it comes again ♪
(clock ticking)
(dog barking)
(water running)
(hammer pounding)
- [Kelly] Hey!
- Hey.
- What are you doing?
- You have a realtor, and
she already has three people
interested in this property.
- Already?
Oh god no, it's too early for
this.
- It's 10:00 A.M.
- Whatever.
- You get a new car?
- No, my friend lent it to me.
(phone ringing)
- Yellow, yup.
Really?
(laughs) That's great.
Yeah, thank you, I'll let her
know right now. Thank you.
Great news. We got an
offer, at asking price.
You'll be out of debt, Kelly.
Plus a little something more
to start you off on the right
foot.
- Get off my lawn, now!
Get off my property or
I'm calling the police.
- Kelly, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to be insensitive,
but this is a good thing.
- Until this house is
sold, it is mine. Now, get!
(door slamming)
(door alarm beeping)
- Welcome to Vulcan Video.
Dad?
Look, uh, I am so sorry about
last night.
I, uh, this morning, I think,
I was trying to say something.
- Please.
Where's uh, where's your boss?
- He called earlier,
he said he wasn't gonna be in
until later.
Why, what's up?
- What you said this morning,
how serious are you about it?
- Like, 80%?
Just joking, dad.
Look, I know you're mad at me,
and I know mom is mad at me.
I, I think that if I could just
explain it
a little bit better--
- Stop.
- I think that you would
really--
- Stop.
I want you out of the house
by the end of the week.
- Dad.
- You can explain
all you want.
It doesn't change the fact
that I think you're
throwing your life away.
It also means that all those
sacrifices
that your mother and I did for
you
are just being flushed
down a toilet for a hobby.
(light music)
I hope it's worth it.
♪ Mind is dead and breathing ♪
- [Miguel] Dad.
♪ The dignity of your disgrace ♪
♪ I find you off to leave
the trace inside me ♪
♪ All that I have left
now is your memory ♪
♪ 'Cause everything else
here just came unstoned ♪
(door slamming)
(glass clinking)
(upbeat music)
(door alarm beeping)
♪I'm on a tidal wave of brains ♪
- Miguel?
♪ I'm on a tidal wave of blood ♪
♪ This whole world's gone ♪
- Here you are.
- Here I am.
(Kelly sighs)
Jefe's coming by later to check
the books.
You can't be here drunk when he
does.
- (scoffs) He's not coming.
Come on, close up early.
Let's party like it's, it is,
1999.
- [Miguel] What's the point?
- I guess you're right, we're
all gonna die anyway, right?
Still, I think we should.
You know, New Year's Eve
traditions and all that shit.
- I am feeling anything
but traditional right now.
How long till midnight?
- Less than an hour, I think.
- Wow.
- Welp, if we're all gonna die
tonight,
might as well be while I am
tipsy.
- You're gonna drink again?
- Do you have any Dr. Pepper?
- [Miguel] No.
- Bourbon it is.
(Miguel sighs)
What's wrong?
I sense a disturbance in the
force.
- Stop.
Do you think I'm funny?
- [Kelly] What do you mean?
- [Miguel] It's a simple
question, yes or no.
Wait, do you think I suck?
- No!
- My dad, my dad kicked
me out of the house.
I said I wanted to quit
school and do comedy.
- Holy shit, you got into the
group!
(Miguel sighs)
Come on, I'm sure that--
- What? Hm?
What?
What were you gonna say?
That it's all gonna work out?
Hm? How? Please, enlighten me.
'Cause I feel like life is
taking a huge,
steaming shit on me right now.
So please, tell me how.
- Okay, I don't like this game.
- It isn't a game, it's the
truth.
I am so fucking tired of
being your little lackey.
I'm tired of my parents
thinking that I'm a joke.
I am so tired of being
in everyone's shadow, especially
yours.
- Why are you being this way?
- We stole cars.
We are felons, okay?
Do you even know what people
say about you behind your back?
How is it that I'm your only
friend?
- I don't give a fuck
what people think of me.
- Oh, there it is.
We can solve all the world's
problems the Kelly way,
in five seconds, by not giving a
fuck.
- Okay, look, I'm just trying to
help.
- You realize every time
you're just trying to help,
you inevitably make everything
worse.
You have to have realized
that by now, right?
Jesus Christ, I get what
you're trying to do,
but it doesn't fucking work that
way,
or maybe it does in
your little tiny bubble,
but for the rest of us,
it's a big fucking zero!
- Okay, you want me to shut up?
All right, I'll shut up.
Jesus.
- There you go, drink up.
- Hey, fuck you dude.
Okay, you don't get to
talk to me like this
just 'cause your dad treats you
like shit.
It doesn't mean you get
to talk to me this way.
- Yeah, well someone needs to.
You're always telling me to
stand up for myself, right?
You're always giving me advice.
How about you take some fucking
advice?
- There. Done.
Your turn.
- Oh, my turn?
I have a job.
I have responsibilities.
I went to college.
- You work in a video store,
okay?
You still live with your
parents.
Grow some fucking balls. Take a
risk.
- Oh, it's easy to take risks
when you have mommy and
daddy's safety net, right?
- You're trying to hurt me.
Please don't. Not you.
- Oh, look at that.
You were sober for all of 30
seconds.
Congratulations, we all
knew you could do it.
- Excuse me for wanting to feel
good
every now and then, okay?
Or not feel anything at all.
You wanna know why I drink?
'Cause I'm alone.
- Oh, don't guilt trip me.
- I'm not guilt tripping you.
I'm being honest.
- Okay, honest Abe, since
you're being truthful, right?
Did you steal Lindsy's car?
Hm?
What's that?
No answer.
Can you speak up a little bit?
Huh?
No quick come back?
Bye.
- I did it, okay? Are you happy?
- I know that you did.
You're not telling me anything I
don't know.
- I did it for you.
- Oh, you did it for me?
Well I haven't had a
chance to thank you yet.
- Yeah, I did it for you. She
treated you like shit.
She cheated on you.
- I loved her!
And you fucking cheated
too, so you can't say shit.
Why don't you fix your own
fucked up life
before you try fixing mine?
- You know, just 'cause
I don't talk about it,
doesn't mean that I'm not
fucking hurting,
that I don't miss my parents,
smelling my mom's perfume,
Sunday Night Football with dad.
Yeah, yeah, they left me money.
That's it.
- It was a lot of money.
- You think that just 'cause
I inherited some cash,
that everything is hunky fucking
dory.
- [Miguel] Well, I'm sure it
helped.
- Well it's gone, okay?
Does that make you feel better?
I'm fucking broke.
I'm in debt and I'm losing the
house.
This was all I had left.
I lost the love of my life
because I don't know how
to do anything else.
I didn't get a second and
third and fourth chance
like Lindsy did.
- [Miguel] Don't bring Lindsy
into this.
- No, fuck you, okay?
You want real? Here's real.
Okay? I've ruined every
relationship that I ever had.
At least you get to know
that it's not your fault.
I don't get that.
I get a ring and the
option to leave a message
that is never returned.
Why do you need their fucking
approval?
- Because unlike you, I actually
care
about what my parents think,
okay?
I mean, you fucking hated your
parents
till the day they died.
- Thanks.
- Look, I shouldn't have said
that, okay?
I don't know what the last five
years
have been like for you.
I'm sorry.
(tires screeching)
(car crashing)
He's gone.
- Yeah. So am I.
(man shouts in Spanish)
Miguel, you speak Spanish.
What's he saying?
- Uh, hey! Hey!
(Miguel speaks Spanish)
- What did you just say?
- Hey, man.
Look, I gotta call the cops.
You ran into my building.
You knocked the power out.
- The end is nigh.
The end is nigh.
- Okay, take a chill pill there,
Jim John.
- Jesus, Jesus is,
let her head.
(gun shooting)
- What was that?
- Uh, let's go inside, yeah?
(man shouts in Spanish)
- Way ahead of you.
(sirens blaring)
(gun shooting)
- Okay, the door is
locked, we're safe in here.
We can just settle down here.
We can just chill here.
The door is locked.
We are safe in here.
We can just wait things out.
There's cold pizza.
There's, there's beer.
- Yeah, yeah.
- We'll just wait it out.
- Okay.
(Miguel breathing heavily)
- I'm sorry.
I, I shouldn't have said that.
- You don't have to apologize.
You, you were just being honest.
- No, I,
(sighs) I was being a dick,
and I do need to apologize for
that,
so, I'm sorry.
- Okay, I think I just wanna be
alone.
I'll take this side.
- Come on.
You're my date for the
apocalypse, right?
(acoustic guitar music)
- Hey, I just wanted to--
- Ugh, stop being so
sentimental.
I know.
- I fucked up.
- Yeah, you did.
(guitar ends)
But, I remember
that you were the one
who held me at the funeral.
You were the one who came over
and stayed the night
when I was too afraid to
be alone in that house.
No matter how much shit
Lindsy gave you for it.
I pushed everyone away.
You stayed.
I was such a bitch to Nancy.
To my mom.
I blamed my dad for
everything, just 'cause he--
- No, no you weren't.
You weren't a bad daughter.
Not a bad daughter.
I mean, yeah a little immature
sometimes,
but at least you were honest.
- Not really.
- Yeah, yeah I mean you lied
about pretty much everything.
- Right?
- Like literally, like
everything.
(Kelly laughs)
Are you gonna go back to school?
- No, no I don't think so.
I don't really wanna be here
anymore.
I think we should move.
- Move where?
Where would we move?
- I mean New York is too
claustrophobic.
- Cool bars, though.
- Indeed.
No, I was thinking more like LA?
- Okay, I don't mean
to be a dick about it,
but you didn't get in, right?
- No, I didn't.
But thank you for reminding me
about that.
- Just making sure.
- No, but I mean, I can always
reapply.
I mean I'm not just gonna
quit because of one rejection.
I mean, I don't know,
there's really no point
in staying around here anymore,
is there?
(light guitar music)
- No, no there's not.
♪ Here's to the future my
friends ♪
♪ Hope I can see you there ♪
(sirens blaring)
(fireworks blasting)
♪ We'll have a drink together ♪
♪ Somewhere, somewhere,
somewhere ♪
(sirens blaring)
♪ Here's to the future
darlings ♪
♪ Whatever may come to pass ♪
♪ Send you with my good graces ♪
♪ That's how fast ♪
(music ends)
(alarm beeping)
- Oh, jeez.
(Kelly yawns)
Hey.
We didn't die.
(zap)
- Good.
I'll check the computer.
- I'll check outside.
- The power's still out.
- I know.
- There's no one on the road.
- I know.
- How do we know nothing
happened?
- I know.
(swipe)
(computer mouse clicking)
This might take a second.
(dial up internet beeping)
Could you put that on a coaster
please?
- What?
- Could you put that on a
coaster?
- Sorry.
Can we get some fried chicken
after this?
- Yeah, yeah, that sounds good.
All right, here we go.
(computer dinging)
- [AOL Man] You've got mail.
(Kelly and Miguel sigh heavily)
- Hey, look. Double zero.
- Nice.
Wait a minute, what if
it was a real life virus
and not a computer virus?
- Susan's always up this early.
(garage door creaking)
(suspenseful music)
(tongs clicking)
(Miguel sighs)
- Hi there!
Happy New Year!
You wanna come over and have
some burgers?
They're almost ready.
(Kelly grumbles)
(swipe)
(Miguel sighs)
- [Miguel] I knew everything
was gonna be all right.
What now?
(light guitar music)
- Listen, I appreciate
you coming in last minute.
I know this is all--
- Too fast?
A week on the market, and sold.
- Well apparently the
buyer grew up in that house
years before you.
And he had cash and is
willing to buy as is.
Plus there's a lot of people
buying multiple properties.
This is a good time to
be a real estate agent.
(phone ringing)
With this sale, this will take
care
of your outstanding debts.
- [Kelly] Goodie.
- Listen, I know it's not much,
but there was a little
something left over.
I also put a business card in
there, a real estate friend,
he'll help you find a place.
(Kelly sighs)
Get, get out of here.
I never liked you anyway.
- Ditto.
By the way, all the jokes and
crap
that they say about attorneys?
So true.
- Kelly!
I'm still here, if you ever need
anything.
Now go on, I mean get out of
here.
(phone ringing)
- Good day, Ms. Stone.
(cartoon pew)
(phone ringing)
(dog barking)
- You sure you wanna leave your
car?
Aren't you gonna need it in LA?
- I'll come back and get it.
We kinda just wanna find a
place and get settled in first.
- Okay.
- Uh, is my father home?
- No, he's working late.
- Is he ever gonna talk to me
again?
- He will, you'll see.
He just needs time.
- I'm gonna miss you.
- I gonna miss you too.
(birds chirping)
I love you.
- I love you too.
(light music)
(door latching)
♪ In your electric garden ♪
♪ Where anything bad can always
happen ♪
♪ Why do you change your mood so
often ♪
♪ Lost in all this talk and
dreaming ♪
♪ Now I'm suddenly careening ♪
♪ The weather of you went
from sun to raining ♪
- We stopping anywhere?
- Probably not.
- If the local fuzz don't pull
us over.
- No, we're good.
I took care of the repo cars
too.
- I don't even wanna know.
♪ We're gonna ride ♪
- Where are you going?
We got a long drive ahead of us.
- Yeah, this'll only take a
moment.
♪ If I tell you half the truth ♪
♪ Would it make you very wise ♪
♪ When I could promise you ♪
♪ By a move and listless skies ♪
♪ Let's take hands and crawl
down the crackling wildness ♪
♪ I miss math ♪
(door slamming)
(music ends)
- How'd it go?
- Got to say goodbye.
- What happened?
- Which way we headed?
- Well, I think we just take
this
until we hit I-35.
- Cool.
(car engine turning)
- [Radio Announcer] As
suspected nothing happened.
All that TV paranoia for what?
We're 10 minutes till 6:00 P.M.,
as we stroll by the first
week of the new millennium.
Have no fear, here are the
Magnetic Fields
with their always catchy,
"Desert Island."
Grab a beer, grab a
friend, pump some volume,
'cause the weekend and the
new millennium is among us.
♪ Desert island ♪
♪ Love is all around ♪
♪ Desert island ♪
♪ Where you can laugh aloud ♪
♪ Desert island ♪
♪ Everywhere's a beach ♪
♪ Desert island ♪
♪ That's what I wanna be ♪
♪ We'll develop muscles ♪
♪ From cracking coconuts ♪
♪ Let our clothing drop off ♪
♪ Feel each other's butts ♪
♪ Start a better country ♪
♪ Where we can get things done ♪
♪ Make a fortune turning ♪
♪ Sand to silicon ♪
♪ Desert island ♪
♪ Love is all around ♪
♪ Desert island ♪
♪ Where you can laugh aloud ♪
♪ Desert island ♪
♪ Everywhere's a beach ♪
♪ Desert island ♪
♪ That's what I wanna be ♪
♪ While we're still holding on ♪
♪ Counting days until
we're gone ♪
♪ Can we spend some time alone ♪
♪ In our free love zone ♪
♪ Desert island ♪
♪ Love is all around ♪
♪ Desert island ♪
♪ Where you can laugh aloud ♪
♪ Desert island ♪
♪ Everywhere's a beach ♪
♪ Desert island ♪
♪ That's what I wanna be ♪
♪ Desert island ♪
♪ Desert island ♪
♪ Desert island ♪
♪ Desert island ♪