Mike Bassett: England Manager (2001) - full transcript

Good afternoon.

What a couple of days

it's been.

It you didn't know

Manager Mike Bassett won

the Mr. Clutch Cup for Norwich

at Wembley on Saturday,

then you just couldn't have

been in East Anglia.

Deep into injury time,

you could really see



what this trophy meant

to Bassett.

[crowd cheering]

The final whistle marked

a crushing 3-2 victory

over Leicester

and saw the Canaries crowned

champions.

Since then,

it's been one big Norfolk

party.

And today,

hundreds of fans packed

the high street



for a ticker-tape

style reception.

This was Mike Bassett's

first trophy after 3 years

at the club and he certainly

seemed to be enjoying

the carnival atmosphere.

♪ Simply the best ♪

♪ Better than all the rest ♪

However,

joy turned to confusion

when the driver

of the team bus took

a wrong turn into the

one way system.

Hey!

You're headed for the dual

carriageway!

You're going the wrong

bloody way!

Twenty minutes later

and the team was still braving

the chilly conditions.

You're coming up to the

roundabout now.

Take the little slipover,

head back.

After a lengthy detour up

the A11,

it was back towards the city

center for a repeat

performance.

Lancaster Gate,

the home of English Football.

Following the team's sudden

dip in form,

England Manager Phil Cope

has suffered a near fatal

heart attack.

With only three World Cup

qualifying games remaining,

the Board must now find

a replacement.

Over the next year,

our cameras will have

unprecedented access

to the new manager.

The hopes,

dreams and aspirations

of the nation are about

to be placed on the shoulders

of one man...

as he attempts

to take England

to the World Cup

finals in Brazil.

Gentlemen...

I'm sure you'll join me

in sending our best wishes

to Phil Cope,

his wife Diane

and his two children,

Lisa and Tom.

Tim.

Er, Tim.

In the meantime,

we need to find

a new manager to take us

into the World Cup.

Now I've phoned around

Italy, France and Spain

but no one wants the job.

So you know

where we're gonna have

to start looking.

Scandinavia?

England.

Oh, Christ.

So, fellas,

any bright ideas?

First choice got to be

Ally McTavish, ain't it?

You know,

he's won the Premiership

five times, Cup three times,

Champions League twice.

The only problem

is he's Scottish.

How about your Jackson

over at Liverpool?

Well, no question,

he's a great talent,

captained England 50 times,

won European Footballer

of the Year twice,

worked wonders

on Merseyside,

but he is a bit, er...

Mouthy.

Big head.

Yeah.

I always rather liked,

er, thingy at Villa.

Well,

we had a word with him,

but he says he's a bit busy

at the moment,

maybe next time.

Maybe...

Martin Ernst?

Leeds?

Not interested.

Archer over

at Sunderland?

He'd do a good job.

He's in prison.

Soliciting goods with menace.

But he was at the Everton

game last week.

All I know is what his

wife told me.

So that accounts

for every English manager

in the premiership.

Oh, come on.

There's got to be somebody

out there that wants

the job, hasn't there?

Rumors are circulating

in the national press

that Norwich manager,

Mike Bassett, is in line

for the England job.

To appoint a manager

from the lower leagues

would be seen

as an unprecedented move.

Oh, there he is.

He's coming down.

[indistinct chatter]

Hold it, hold it, lads,

One at a time,

one at a time.

Is it true you're the new

England manager, Mike?

I've told you once--

I've told you

a hundred times, lad.

I'm the manager of Norwich.

My future is here in Norfolk.

So forget the rumors

and the tittle-tattle, okay.

Anything else?

Dad, you've got

the England job.

Got the what?

The England job.

Ha-ha! It's fucking great!

[indistinct chattering]

Extra extra.

I first met Mike

back in 1975 when he was

with Crewe Alexandra.

And he was on loan from

Doncaster at the time,

so I remember thinking

they might ask for him back,

but luckily,

Doncaster told Crewe

they could keep him.

And then, about a year later

he got a free transfer

to Plymouth.

From there he went

on to Hull,

Grimsby and Darlington.

He played for 14 clubs

in 9 different positions,

including goalie.

So once again,

the ball pumped long there.

It's a back pass

here to Mike Bassett.

Oh, he's missed it!

It's got in!

What a howler!

And then, finally,

he got his big break.

The assistant manager's job

at Colchester United.

And what was it

that attracted you to him?

The glamour.

He's on the books of Norwich

under fourteens.

He's got a lot of talent.

He just needs to up his work

rate.

But what's it like having

a dad who is the

England manager?

It's brilliant.

With his bags

fully packed,

Mike Bassett travels down

to London for his first day

in the new job.

Our sound man is just

gonna put the microphone.

I thought we'd just talk

a little about

your appointment.

Mike Bassett,

you're the new England

manager,

but for some people

you're something

of a controversial choice.

Well, some people ask

the question, "Mike Bassett,

how did he get the job?"

Then other people ask the

question, "Mike Bassett.

Who is he?

I've never heard of him."

I've got to answer them

people and I've only got

three games to do it in.

In your book,

what is it that makes

a successful manager?

Well,

there are three things.

A: You got to pick the best

players.

B: You've got

to motivate them.

And C: You've got to use

the right tactics.

And D: Which is probably

most important of all,

you've got to get some luck.

Really?

So luck, is that important?

Yeah.

If the ball hits the post

and goes one way,

you're a winner.

If it goes the other way...

Tickets, please.

All right, Mike.

Hello, Tony.

Thanks very much.

Thank you.

Well done with the England

job.

Oh, thanks, lad.

Tony Pullen used to be

the assistant manager

in Coventry.

Tickets, please.

Mike's a man of principle.

He has a simple set of beliefs

and he sticks to them.

He's a big fan of Kipling,

the poet, not the cape man.

So his dad gave him

an embroidered poem

when he was a kid

and he always keeps it

close by.

"Yours is the earth

and everything that's in it,

and which is more,

you'll be a mason."

Unfortunately,

that's an embroidery error.

Hi, Mike.

I'm Margaret, your PA.

Oh, hello.

Let me show you around.

I've got a big

responsibility.

For a lot of people,

the England team

is more important

than their work,

more important than their

marriage,

more important than

the telly.

You've already

got quite a lot of mail.

Plus one or two brochures.

When we win,

take a look out of your

window.

People are going to work

with smiles on their faces.

They're talking to each

other at the bus stop...

Have a good journey.

...in the pub,

on the bus itself.

Football touches many

people's lives and it makes

a difference,

a big difference.

Hi.

Hello, Mr. Lightfoot.

Sir Ted would have loved

to have greeted you himself,

but Tuesday is his dialysis

day.

Come on in.

Thank you.

We've got three games

over the next few months,

beginning with the Polish

match in 2 week's time.

You'll be able to choose

your own assistant manager

and coach.

You'll also get a company

cab plus free petrol,

so long as you keep

the receipts.

Yeah.

But no monkey business.

Apparently that Venables

was chucking down

his trips to

and from the supermarket.

You all right?

I want you to know, Mike,

I'm always here for you.

And if I'm not around,

just slip a note

under the door.

This way, Mike.

This must be a very proud

moment for you.

It is.

I just wish my dad

could see me now.

You know,

he was like a father figure

to me.

Well, obviously, but, er--

he was also

a professional footballer,

himself, wasn't he?

Oh, yes.

Was a great footballer player.

He played for Preston North End

for just on 20 years.

Never earned more than

ten bob a week.

What do you think

your dad would say

if could see you now?

What would he say?

I dunno,

he'd probably quote Kipling,

you know, something like

"Walk with Kings

but never lose

the common touch."

Ladies and gentlemen,

it's my privilege to introduce

the new England manager,

Mike Bassett.

[applauds]

Fire away.

Steve.

International football's

a big step up

from the First Division, Mike.

To many, you may seem

underqualified, is that fair?

No, not at all.

A lot of very highly qualified

people have done this job

before me and,

well, look how badly

they've done.

I've got just as good a chance

as anybody.

Christopher.

Yeah, um,

now that you've got the job,

what's your ambition?

To win the World Cup.

[chattering]

Mike...

Mike...

You seriously think

you can do that?

Why not?

What, you believe

we're better than the Germans,

the Brazilians, the French,

the Argentines...?

Excuse me.

Look, people like you

are always running

our country down.

I mean, you forget

what a great nation we are.

I mean,

we invented Parliament,

we abolished slavery,

we-- we defeated Hitler.

And then we came up with the,

the computer,

the singing telegram,

the Bessemer Smelting Process.

We had people like Wordsworth

and Shakespeare and Dickens,

you know.

"Once more unto the breech,

dear friends, once more."

And d'you know

what else we done?

We invented football

and we gave it to the world.

Well, I'm gonna go out there

and I'm gonna bring it back.

Thank you.

That lady over there, please.

Bassett's first job

is to appoint a coach

and an assistant manager.

I've worked with Dave Dodds

and Lonnie Urquart

on and off for over 10 years.

Over at Colchester,

we adopted the system

that's been copied by clubs

up and down

the Third Division.

You know I understand that.

What can I say

about Dave Dodds?

Great coach, always positive,

never says no--

not unless you want him to.

So, are you in?

Aye, dead up for it.

Good lad.

Okay, what I want you to do,

concentrate on fitness.

Fitness...

Set pieces...

And basic skills to start

with, okay?

Brilliant, boss.

Wife's been on my back

since I got the chop at Forest.

Then there's

my assistant manager,

Lonnie Urquart.

Rarely says yes,

more likely to say maybe,

or possibly even no.

And you need that balance.

Is that all you want to do?

Sell second hand cars?

Don't knock it, Mike.

We offer good motors

at affordable prices.

Take this, a Daewoo Nexia.

Now you wouldn't know it,

but basically

it's your re-badged

Vauxhall Astra.

Alloy wheels, ABS,

twin airbags, central locking,

air conditioning.

That will be the Daewoo.

I'm talking about

the assistant manager's

job here.

The World Cup, Lonnie.

Jules Rimet, Maradona, Ally.

She is an absolute beauty.

What do I have to do

to get you to take the job?

Bassett can afford to be

pleased with himself.

His coaching staff

are in place

and he's acquired a new car.

Now he makes

the long drive north

to Sunderland

to visit footballing legend,

Kevin Tonkinson.

We came together

about 12 years ago.

I was at Colchester,

and he'd just signed on.

Lot of money on the table

off the big boys,

and he could have walked.

But he never, he stayed,

and he took us up.

I believe in repaying my debts,

that's why I'm here.

I also believe that this lad

can win us the cup.

[cheering]

I've got it.

Are you sure you've got it,

because you don't look to me

as if you've got it.

I've definitely got it.

I've got it, it's in me pocket.

I watched you recently,

and everyone was saying

you'd lost it.

I haven't lost it,

I've just mislaid it,

but I know where it is

and I can go and get it.

You promise me that?

I promise you, boss.

Okay, get off the booze,

get down the gym

and you're back

in the England squad.

Okay?

Oh, boss...

Bassett gathers

his squad together

at Bisham Abbey

training ground,

to prepare

for their first encounter.

Catch him up, catch him up.

Come on, catch him up.

Come on.

Well done, Danny.

Well done, Dan.

He's a lot sharper, Doddsy.

Aye, lot sharper.

Well done, son.

Well done, Robbo.

I've got this group of lads

for 1 week.

It's my chance to see

who can do what, where,

how and when.

That's it.

He's awake.

Harnessing and motivating,

that--that's what

my game's about.

It's about getting the best

out of people,

you know, turning good players

into great players.

Or at least converting

bad players

into mediocre ones.

Okay, lads, pay attention.

We're gonna split up

into two teams.

All those born

in the first half of the year

stay where you are.

All those born

in the second half of the year

that side of the line.

On your toes, lads.

Come on, first half

of the year this side.

Second half that side.

Come on, boys, two teams.

Deano, when were you born?

February, boss.

Wacko?

January, boss.

Alan?

March, boss.

Danny?

February as well, boss.

No one born

in the second half of the year?

No, boss.

Right, er,

all those born

in the first half of the month

stay where you are.

All those born

in the second half

of the month,

other side of the line.

Okay?

I don't believe this.

I've got to pick 11 men

from this squad.

That's it, good lads.

And, of course,

some lads almost

pick themselves.

You know take my captain,

Gary Wackett.

An old fashioned center back

but he takes no prisoners.

Well, not unless

he's gonna torture them first

and kill them later.

There'll be fucking

more of that if you want it,

do you hear?

It's only fucking training.

Well, like Wellington

once said, "I don't know

what he does to the enemy

but he scares the shit

out of me!"

The only problem is red cards.

Out of 26 international games,

he's only completed five.

A lot of people call me

a psycho, a nutter,

an headcase,

but there's a lot more

to my game

than just kicking people.

I mean, it's all well

and good being passionate,

but you got to know

how to control it.

So how come you've been

sent off 25 times then?

Are you trying to

fucking wind me up?

Then there's Rufus Smalls.

A real life Roy of the Rovers

and England's

all-time top goal scorer.

And he used to be a captain

on "A Question of Sport".

Grand National winning

jockey Richard Guest

is our regular team captain

and England's top goal scorer,

Rufus Smalls.

Then 2 years ago

he missed that penalty

against Portugal

in the Quarter Final

shoot out.

Overnight

he went from hero to zero.

Hasn't scored since.

In midfielders

Daeno and Danny.

Tweedledum and Tweedledee

I call them.

They're like twin brothers

though, of course,

they're not-- 110%.

120%. Yeah, 120%.

And then we've got

Steve Harper.

Best crosser of the ball

in the world.

Always on the mobile

to his wife.

The boys tell me

you're something of a playboy.

No, not at all.

I'm not interested

in glamour girls,

the fast cars

and champagne lifestyle.

I play football

'cause I love football.

It's my life.

[cell phone ringing]

Sorry.

Hello, darling.

Yeah, there's a magnum

in the Ferrari.

And I've brought in

young Alan Massey on the wing.

He's a shy lad

but he's brilliantly gifted.

And he's not stupid either.

He's got five "O" levels

under his belt.

Er, yeah, I got a "B"

in technical drawing.

Er, got a "C" in geography

and human sciences.

Er, had a place lined up

at Keele University.

I love your hair.

Hasn't he got lovely hair?

excuse me,

we're gonna have a bath.

Tonka?

He's a genius.

What he can't do with two legs

isn't worth knowing.

Give me that lad's legs

and someone else's brain,

you've got a winner.

There's lot more

to my personality

than just doing stupid things,

stupid voices.

I mean, what I'm at home

I've got a lot of

different personal things

that I get involved in.

I like stamps, I like...

Donkey!

Betty Swollocks

was ducking fisgusting...

[indistinct]

[indistinct]

[indistinct]

and a hid bard-on!

Don't you stare at me.

[indistinct]

Oh, Olive.

Do you know I wanted to be

a butcher but I didn't meet

the criteria

and I got the chop!

But music,

I love music, you know.

[chattering]

All right, boys,

simmer down. Here we go.

Pay attention.

Now most of you don't know me,

but you're gonna

get to know me.

I'm an old-fashioned manager.

I write the team down

on the back of a fag packet

and I play a simple

4-4-2 system.

Okay?

Harpsey?

Yeah.

Sorry.

Here we go.

Here's the line up

for Saturday.

Berksy in goal.

Macca, Parksey, Wacko

and Smudger in defense.

Midfield we've got Danno,

Tonka, Deano and Alan.

And Harpsey and Smallsy

up front, okay?

Right, we'll put this on

its feet after lunch.

Off you go.

Come on, boys.

[chattering]

Excuse me, boss.

Can I have a word?

Smallsy and Harpsey

up front.

Smallsy and Harpsey?

Yeah.

And in field we got,

er, Danno, Tonka, Deano.

And, Alan, you're on the left.

Yeah, but...

Well, what's the problem?

Why can't I have a nickname?

England wins 3-0 easy days.

Tonka's gonna go straight

down the middle,

1-nil, third minute.

Come on, England.

England!

Poland,

bunch of fucking muppets.

Whip 'em 3-1 easy.

Aren't we?

Yeah!

And what do you think

of the new manager?

Oh, he seems very nice.

I've seen every home game

last 15 years.

We're gonna walk it.

It's a packed Wembley

and a tense

England dressing room

for the new manager's

first game.

Deano, Danny,

right, are you ready

for this, boys?

You know the score.

If you're in trouble,

he's there for you, okay?

And if you're in trouble,

you've got him.

Come on, look at each other.

Got that?

Sweet, boss.

Okay.

Hiya.

Have you seen my arse

anywhere?

Are you all right, son?

Alan?

Alansy.

Baby, baby,

I do care how you feel,

all right?

Harpsey, can I have a word?

Oh, sorry, carry on.

That's it, continue.

You all right there, Smallsy?

Yeah, yeah,

I'm all right, boss.

You got the best part

of the dressing-room here,

you know.

It's Charlton's lucky peg.

Yeah?

Do you hear that, boys?

I got Bobby Charlton's

lucky peg.

No, Jackie.

Jackie Charlton.

Now, come on, chaps.

Okay, lads, come on,

quieten down please.

Let's have a bit of quiet

for a minute.

Okay, just remember to keep

your shape, eh?

And if the goals don't come

early, don't panic.

Keep your cool, okay?

Have you got that?

Okay, Wacko, lead them out.

Let's fucking kill 'em!

Right, come on!

Bassett's first game

in charge, and he adopts

a traditional 4-4-2 system.

That's 4 players

in defense, 4 in midfield,

and 2 in attack.

Many critics of this system

say it's too inflexible

for the modern game.

Bassett set's out to prove

them wrong.

[loud cheering]

Thirty seconds

into the game...

Go on, lads.

Get stuck in.

And captain Gary Wackett

goes for the ball,

and accidentally takes

the man.

Good decision, referee.

Nothing wrong with that.

He's world class!

Come on, son.

Come on, son.

With 20 minutes to play,

England are one up.

Then, disaster strikes.

Bassett has now got his

work cut out.

Come on, Smallsy.

Go, go, go!

Back!

Back, come on, short,

sharp passes!

Back to Berkitt!

Macca, Macca, Macca,

they're gonna score!

Nice goal.

Well done, Poland.

England go on to lose 2-1.

For Bassett, the honeymoon

is over.

Mike, Mike...

What went wrong, Mike?

Tommo.

Right, right, right,

there wasn't any width.

Er, both of your

strikers were marked

out of the game,

you had no one

coming up from deep.

What do you say to that?

Um, in some respect

that's a fair comment,

in others, no, I totally

disagree.

Mike, what about

fitness?

Tonka looked completely

knackered after 20 minutes.

That's true, yeah,

but what a 20 minutes, eh?

Do you really think

the 4-4-2 system's gonna

continue to work at this level?

Oh, come on,

now you're talking through

your bloody hat.

If that system is good enough

for Sir Alf Ramsey,

it's good enough for me.

Now come on, boys,

try and be a bit positive.

There was a lot of pluses

come out the game.

Like what?

Well, we didn't pick up

any injuries for a kick-off.

And, listen, eh, listen,

we're second in our group.

We've only got to win

one of our last two games

and we're through

to the World Cup.

So come on, lads.

How about getting behind

the team for a change?

How do you think

the manager's doing?

Well, international

football is a big step up

for Mike Bassett,

no disrespect to Norwich,

and the big question is,

can he handle it?

Do you think he can

get you to the World Cup

finals?

I don't know.

I'll put it this way:

if we don't get a result

in the next 2 games, we'll be

spending the summer

as guest presenters

for channel 5,

and no one wants that.

The lads looked tired.

Oh, aye, boss,

knackered.

Tonka had all the pace

of an Austin Allegro,

and I'm not talking

Vanden Plas.

Oh, well, there's no use

putting it off.

Let's have a look

at the video.

Got it here, boss.

Honda are releasing

a new Accord

this summer, Mike.

What do you reckon?

Oh, very nice.

Here we go.

Right, here we go.

Off Kevin Tonkinson.

Massive interest,

Mike Bassett's first game

in charge.

It's Poland to kick off.

Come on, lads.

What's--

what's happening here?

What's going on?

Oh, you know

what's happened?

Wife's videoed

"Changing Rooms"

over the top.

You're joking?

No, no,

you're all right, Mike.

It's not "Changing Rooms",

it's "Ground Force".

You don't get

many of them in a pound.

Geoffrey?

Geoffrey?

I'm sorry, Mike,

I've got a meeting.

Yeah, I've been trying

to get hold of you

for a few days.

Well, I'm very busy

at the moment.

I'm hoping to get

all the lads together down

at that new sports lab thingy.

Look, Mike, I've just

got in.

If you got a question, jot it

down on a piece of paper,

slide it under the door.

But I done that

3 days ago, Geoffrey.

Well, there's no note

here, Mike.

Ah...

here it is.

Oh, there's one here

from Ron Greenwood.

How about dropping

Mick Channon?

Er, yeah, okay,

if he's happy with that.

That's a good ball.

The team look

in pretty good shape.

Good shape, yeah, yeah,

good shape.

Er, good team.

Looking very good.

Couldn't be better.

Having said that

we're-we're not actually

playing very well

at the moment.

No, no, terrible,

terrible.

Terrible shape.

Terrible team.

Looking very bad.

Then again, the omens

do look good for England.

Oh, aye, looking good.

Very good.

Tucked away deep

in the Staffordshire

countryside

is the recently established

Sports Science Institute.

Mike Bassett is gambling

that this state-of-the-art

multimillion pound training

facility will transform

the performance of the team.

Smallsy, you're a big lad,

you could do with

a bit more room.

Now...

No, it's fine.

I've got one word to say

to you...

Hyundai.

How is that motor?

It's good as gold.

Why don't you come

and see me...

Your shockers are

gone on that!

Hyundai...

That is the car of the

future.

What happened

to the paint work?

Yeah, this color,

you know, is not right

for you.

Hyundai Daewoo,

need I say more.

Alarm will sound

if you do not back away.

How it's going, Doddsy?

Yeah, great, boss.

Looking good.

Loads of gadgets

and gizmos?

Oh, definitely, boss.

Lots of them.

Mr. Bassett?

Ah, how do you do?

I'm Dr. Shoegaarten.

Nice to meet you.

Yes.

Let me show you around.

We at the Sports Science

Institute believes

that positive energy

and good mental health plays,

er, a vital role

in maintaining

an athlete's overall

effectiveness.

Success.

You see, when a striker

is going through

a lean period,

he needs to be

reacquainted

with the soccer ball.

Calm.

Here we have

the gyrosphere.

Hello, Smallsy.

How you doing, son?

Yeah, I'm okay, boss.

Good lad.

Whoa.

Yes, see, in order to be

at one with the ball,

you must ultimately become

the ball.

Ah, yeah.

Bring it up.

Increasing speed.

Get me out now,

boss, please.

This way.

Boss?

I think I'm gonna be sick.

Oh, please...

oh, God.

How long will he have to

stay in there?

Er, anywhere

for 2 or 3 hours,

depending on the athlete.

Yeah.

Will he be all right in there?

This is perfectly normal.

Okay.

Come back.

No, don't leave me.

No, come back!

Here we have the Fear

Behavioral Intervention

Room.

Hmm?

Fear is the soccer player's

worst enemy.

Strapped in.

It stifles the

creativity and causes

errors in play.

All right, Wacko?

Boss.

Fear program activated.

Go for it, Wacko.

Fear.

Good. Very good.

See, this man

has achieved

a level of cognitive

behavioral harmony,

where fear no longer dictates

his actions.

Good. Very good.

Put the next one in, please.

Yeah. This way.

Oh, don't touch that...

Over here we have

the skill replicator.

Skill.

How you feeling, lads?

100%, boss.

Dribbling the ball

is about balance and control.

This machine replicates

the body movement

of the greatest dribblers

of all time.

Pele.

Pele.

Diego Maradona.

Maradona.

And are we here?

Mark Lawrenson.

Mark Lawrenson.

Mark Lawrenson?

Well, we ran

out of money.

To defeat the best,

we have to become the best.

Let's play.

Simulation commence.

Maradona.

Dribble.

Feint.

Pele.

Here mate, is it

supposed to go this fast?

Mark Lawrenson.

Concentrate.

What do you reckon, Doddsy?

Help, boss, boss!

Boss!

I will start scoring again,

I promise I will!

Here, mate, mate...

Control.

Dribble.

Boss, turn it off!

The following morning,

Jack Marshall, the England

team physio, has got his

hands full.

What's the problem Alan?

Wrist.

All right,

get your pants off.

Jack?

Give us the worst. Berkitt?

Back problems.

Wacko?

Broken jaw.

Smallsy?

Unsettled.

Unsettled?

What sort of bloody

injury's that?

I dunno.

He's just a bit...

Alan Massey's got problems

with his groin.

Wrist.

Danny and Deano are not

100%.

The Sports Science

Institute has been

a disaster.

The knee's about 80%,

boss, but me hip's only 60%.

With 7 of his key

players injured, Bassett

is forced to pick a new squad

for the Belgium game.

Here's the squad list.

I've already given

several copies to the press.

Oh, well done, Margaret.

Thank you.

Hang on, there's 28 names

down here, I only picked 26.

Well, that's the list

you gave me.

Tony Hedges, York City?

I didn't pick him, love.

You must have, Mike,

I wouldn't have put him down

otherwise.

Never bloody

hear of him, have I?

And who's this clown,

Ron Benson, Plymouth Argyll?

I copied the list

you gave me.

Oh, come on, Margaret,

tell me where it says

Benson and Hedges on that?

Ron Benson

and Tony Hedges.

Bollocks.

Yeah, I said there'd be

a few surprises.

They're Third Division

players.

One of them is 46.

I know, but I've always

said if you're old enough,

you're good enough.

Who else are you

looking at, Mike,

Lambert and Butler?

Very funny.

Er, I understand

Peter Stuyvesant's available.

Can we get back

to the football, please?

Yeah, er, you happy

with this squad size, Mike?

That's more like it.

Thank you, Tommo.

Um, yeah, I'm quite happy

with the squad size,

it's not too big and it's not

too small.

It's, er, it's just right.

Right.

So you won't be choosing

20 players then?

Belgium versus England,

and Mike Bassett's

second game in charge.

Rufus Smalls attempts

to put his acute psychological

problems behind him.

Bassett has the players

really fired up for this one.

Even captain Gary Wackett

shakes off a broken jaw

to pull on the white shirt.

♪ God save the Queen ♪

Come on boys.

Come on, boys,

let's get into 'em!

No fear, boys!

Fucking go for it!

All right, Benson,

take it easy.

Talk to Hedges.

Let's do it.

England go on to lose

3-nil.

♪ Extra extra

Extra extra

Extra extra

Extra extra ♪

We don't seem to be

playing with any confidence,

or cohesion.

I mean, one or two lads

have started to doubt

whether we'll qualify.

Some are even checking

to see if they've got Irish

grandparents, jump ship like.

Um, got room

for one more, lads?

The last few months

have been difficult for us.

Obviously, when you see

your husband called names

like clown, loser.

Liquorice Allsort.

Liquorice Allsort...

It gets you down.

Has it affected you?

It's bound to.

We can't walk down

the street without someone

shouting "drop Tonka",

or "drop Smallsy".

"Drop the 4-4-2."

Yeah, yeah,

a lot of people say

"drop the 4-4-2"...

But we don't let it

bother us much, do we love?

They're throwing eggs now.

That's disgraceful.

I thought I told you

to clear off yesterday!

And United steaming

forward once again.

This is majestic stuff.

Jesus Christ!

Mike used to be able

to switch the football off

when he came home.

Nowadays it's all

he thinks about.

Now let's see

what the referee's going

to do about it.

Even our Jason's stopped

going to the football.

Man United's

on the telly!

Last week,

a couple of lads

from school tried to set fire

to his trousers.

It isn't easy.

Go and have a word

with him, will you, Mike?

It's yellow.

It's got to be

a red card, referee!

Mike.

Open up, son.

[knocking on the door]

Come on, Jason.

Open the door.

What's that on your face?

Felt tip.

What are you writing

swear words on your face for?

Oh, Dad.

I don't know.

Go and clean it off.

What's the matter

with you lately, eh?

Last night Mike dreamt

that a giant Bobby Moore

was chasing him around

Wembley stadium shouting

"Look, what you've done,

you bloody idiot!"

I can't stand you when you're

like this. I'm going out.

To be honest, I'll be pleased

when this whole thing's over.

[telephone ringing]

And this better be

bloody good news.

Hello?

Look to the left.

It wasn't my fault,

boss.

Well, I had to swerve

to avoid the traffic.

Only because you were

on the wrong side of the

bloody road!

How many milligrams

did you have?

88.

88 bloody milligrams!

You go on the piss all day,

you've ballooned out like

the Pilsbury Doughboy!

You've really let me down

this time, Tonka,

I'm telling you.

Well, look, I--I've

wrote an apology, boss!

Oh, fuck the apology!

You could go to jail for this!

What sort of system

am I gonna play then?

Three across the middle

and one in bloody Pentonville?

Eh?

You're dropped.

Oh, no.

Oh, don't drop me, boss.

Please don't drop me.

No, no, no.

I gave you a chance,

you blew it.

Yeah, but don't drop me.

I, I'll get better, boss.

I'll get better.

No, no, no.

I stuck me neck out

for you and this is

how you bloody repay me.

I know, but I'm sorry!

How are you coping

with the pressure?

Don't make me laugh,

this isn't pressure.

My dad raised five kids

single-handed, and there's

me mum who was bed-ridden

for years and years

and years with arthritis,

and done a full-time job.

Then he'd go out

on a Saturday and score three

with his head.

That's pressure.

Try storming a Japanese gun

placement with only

three bullets

in your Tommy Gun,

and taking one

in the chest, and going on

to win the VC.

That, my friend,

is what you call pressure.

Is that actually

what your father did?

No, no, he never

went to Japan,

but somebody bloody did!

And compared to them fellas,

bloody hell,

this is a walk in the park.

Many of the press are

suggesting England's

problems lie in Bassett's

antiquated 4-4-2 formation.

In recent games,

the front two players

have been man marked

and unable to find space

while the back four

have been static and easily

caught by the ball

over the top.

Various alternative

strategies have been

mooted.

The German 5-3-2 system

incorporating two wing

backs and a sweeper

and the popular 3-5-2 system

in which the team swamps

the midfield.

Either way, pressure

is mounting on Bassett

to change his tactics

for the Slovenia game.

Can you tell us

the latest team news,

please, Mike?

Well, yeah, I've had

a long talk with Tonka,

and I've decided to give him

another chance.

Oh, no.

However, I'm sure

you'll all be pleased

to hear that

I am dropping the 4-4-2.

And, we're going

for something completely new.

We're gonna try the 3-5-1-1.

What's that?

Which is very similar

to the Terry Venables'

Christmas tree,

but with the wing backs here

holding in midfield.

It's more of a Christmas

pudding, ain't it, Mike?

Well, if you like, yeah,

with Tonka in the middle

as the sixpence.

It's D-Day.

England play Slovenia

while second place Turkey

are at home to Luxembourg.

England must win,

or hope that a minor

mathematical miracle

will see them through.

Wackett begins the game

in a typically robust fashion.

No, Wacko!

Leave it!

Please, let it go.

Wacko, don't do that!

Oh, Christ Almighty!

Referee!

That was never a red card

offense!

Oh, come on, referee!

I want you to fill in

for Wacko.

What, central defense,

boss?

Not in the center,

in the thick of it.

You know, backwards

and forwards, up and down,

in and out and...

I don't know, you just do

what you want.

Come on.

Come on, Robbo.

On your toes, lad.

Go on.

Go on, son.

Less than 10 minutes

to go, and England pile

on the pressure.

Referee, penalty!

Yes!

Okay, Smallsy, take it, son!

Yeah, you, go on!

Are you sure, boss?

Oh, no problem.

Put it away, son!

♪ Trouble ♪

♪ Trouble is a lonesome town ♪

♪ Trouble is a lonesome town ♪

England can only manage

a nil-nil draw.

Piss off, Bassett,

you're shit!

You're shit!

You're shit, Bassett!

You're shit!

♪ Trouble is a lonesome town ♪

♪ Trouble's little ♪

♪ And it's lonesome ♪

Come on, lads,

keep your chin up.

Come on.

That Rufus Smalls

couldn't hit the side

of a Renault Espace.

Hard luck, Smallsy,

you're getting closer.

Boss!

Boss!

Hard luck. Come on.

Boss! Boss!

A nice one two

with Flemhoeben,

he's just had

the game of his life.

It's sport on five.

Luxembourg are winning!

You're joking me.

Incredible scenes

here as the amateurs

of Luxembourg have taken

the game to Turkey.

Luxembourg one up.

And if they can just score

again, England are through!

The ball is knocked

wide right to little

Wim Fleidermouse,

the tiny hotel manager

from Mertzig.

Come on, my son!

A nice one two

with Flemhoeben,

into the area.

Oh, he's nutmegged it

through and that's

a fantastic goal!

Someone pinch me,

I must be dreaming!

Fleidermouse rides

to the rescue, and England

are on their way to Brazil!

Luxembourg, Luxembourg,

Luxembourg!

[cheering]

Wa-hey, lads, look at this.

We've got a Jacuzzi!

Mike!

Mike!

Mike, you're on the way

to the World Cup.

Yes.

Are you pleased

with the lads?

Pleased?

I'm bloody delighted.

The boys were superb,

especially

that Wim Fleidermouse.

He is first class.

Brilliant.

Congratulations.

Cheers!

Here comes another one,

lads!

Oh, bollocks!

I've shit myself.

Monday the 13th of May,

and the team

make the traditional pit stop

en route to the Finals.

Hiya.

The recording

of the World Cup song.

This one will be performed

by the England squad,

and UK chart toppers

"Atomic Kitten".

Who sadly today

are one kitten short

of a full litter.

Natasha is laid low

with aggravated

campylo bacterial

gastroenteritis,

otherwise known

as food poisoning.

Fortunately,

the song's composer...

Fuck off.

...actor, comedian

and profligate hellraiser,

Keith Allen,

does not let them down.

"It's on me head, son,

not off me head, son".

Very sharp.

On me head, son...

Guys,

you got to give him a chance.

Football song?

Yeah.

Yeah, of course it is.

With the lads' voices

and our voices,

it's bound to go to number one.

♪ England! ♪

♪ England! ♪

♪ England! ♪

And England have qualified

for the World Cup finals

in Brazil.

♪ It's on me head, son ♪

♪ not off me head, son! ♪

♪ It's on me head, son ♪

♪ not off me head, son! ♪

♪ We won't get ♪

♪ no satisfaction ♪

♪ from the final score ♪

♪ If you want to get ahead ♪

♪ in this game ♪

♪ you got to want ♪

♪ a little bit more ♪

♪ These boots are made ♪

♪ for running ♪

♪ and that's what ♪

♪ they will do ♪

♪ It's on me head, son ♪

♪ not off me head, son! ♪

♪ It's on me head, son ♪

♪ not off me head, son! ♪

♪ It's on me head, son ♪

♪ not off me head, son! ♪

♪ It's on me head, son ♪

♪ not off me head, son! ♪

♪ E-N-G-L-A-N-D! ♪

♪ We're Bassett's Allsorts ♪

♪ [indistinct] ♪

♪ Marching onwards to Brazil ♪

♪ We look cool in espadrilles ♪

♪ In Brazil with baggy shorts ♪

♪ We lost the odd flip-flop ♪

♪ Beer and fags ♪

♪ and salsa sound ♪

♪ But we don't do hip-hop ♪

♪ Dancing in the streets ♪

♪ all day and night ♪

♪ Don't need no pills ♪

♪ Bassett's Allsorts Army ♪

♪ is how we get our thrills ♪

♪ It's on me head, son ♪

♪ not off me head, son! ♪

♪ It's on me head, son ♪

♪ not off me head, son! ♪

♪ It's on me head, son ♪

♪ not off me head, son! ♪

♪ It's on me head, son ♪

♪ not off me head, son! ♪

♪ Nippon! ♪

♪ E-N-G-L-A-N-D! ♪

♪ We're Bassett's Allsorts ♪

♪ Army ♪

♪ Marching onwards to Brazil ♪

♪ We look good in espadrilles ♪

Right, you keep your eye

on the lads, I'll go

and sort the transport out.

I'll go and sort

the transport out.

All right, boss.

Okay, lads-lads, Come on.

To me, quieten down now.

Come on.

Hey, look, lads,

it's the Jocks.

Here they come.

All right, mate.

Oi, lads...

How are you doing?

make sure you get him

hold the plane

'cause you'll be going back

in a week.

Fuck off.

Hey, plonker's sober,

get the cameras out.

Oi.

Costa Rica got a handy

side this year.

Yeah, Iraq are looking

a bit tasty and all.

Is that right?

Aye, who's with the hand

of God squad?

The hand of God?

Aye.

Not us.

Hey, I don't believe it.

Here come the Paddies.

Let's hear it

for the England B team.

Is that why we always

kick your arse then, yeah?

'Ere, what are you putting

the accent on for?

You're a cockney, you mug.

Shut your mouth,

you Proddy bollocks.

Who are you calling

a Proddy bollocks,

you Fenian twat?

Hey, I'm a Fenian.

Hey...

Who you fucking...?

You fucking scumbag

English twats.

Pele, who--who do you think

will win this World Cup?

Listen, every World Cup

people want to know

who gonna win.

It's very difficult to say

who gonna win.

But normally, you have Italy,

Brazil, Argentina, Germany,

Spain, France,

normally those teams

come to the final.

Apart from them?

Well, yes, maybe

you have some surprise,

because now we have, er...

you know, good team

like Yugoslavia.

You have United State

that are good.

Apart from them?

England have been drawn

in group 6, alongside Egypt,

Mexico and their old enemy,

Argentina.

Yeah-No, I couldn't talk

to you on the plane.

On arrival in Brazil,

the team decamp

to their hotel

on the outskirts

of Rio de Janeiro.

I asked for

a Vauxhall Omega,

and they give me this.

An Opel.

I mean, what's a fucking Opel

when it's at home?

All right, Pedro,

keep your hands off.

Okay, now have you all

got the right key?

Yes, yes.

Right, well,

here's the rules.

There's no late nights,

there's no girls,

and there's no drinking.

And just remember,

you are out in someone else's

country,

so let's treat them

with respect, eh?

Yeah, I think

what Mike's trying to say here,

lads, is keep an eye

on your luggage.

These wops will rip you off

soon as look at you.

Thanks a lot, Lonnie.

Cheers, mate.

This is it, it's here.

32 teams playing 64 games

in temperatures

of up to 38 degrees.

We've got 96 hours of football

over the next 4 weeks,

which is 28 days.

And with me to watch all this,

and provide expert analysis,

former Newcastle

and England international,

Barry Venison.

Welcome, Barry.

Gabby.

First though

we're gonna go live

to Mike Bassett.

He's enjoying life

by the pool in Rio.

Mike, I've got your old pal

Barry Venison here with me.

Mike, how are you doing?

Hello, Barry,

how're you doing, son?

I'm just saying, Mike,

how are you doing?

Are you keeping well?

Hello?

Are you looking forward

to the tournament then?

You know, confident, son.

Quietly confident.

I tell you what,

you look as if you're enjoying

yourself, don't you?

Hello?

What, what's that

you're drinking?

No, no, they're looking

after us fine, thank you.

I bet you've got your

fishing rod with you as well.

Yeah, it's a pina colada.

A large one.

Mike, tell us,

what-what's going to be

your tactics for

the Egypt game?

Couldn't get it

into the suitcase.

Um, we're gonna have

to leave it there, I think.

We've got some technical

difficulties, Mike.

But thanks ever so much, yeah.

It's Saturday

and England face

their first challenge.

They'll be playing Egypt,

the softest team

in their group.

Um, what, mate?

The thing is, Smudger,

I think I might have you here.

So much so, 1,000 Reals

to see you.

Mr. and Mrs. Bun.

Bollocks.

Just relax now.

That's it.

Gucci.

Versace.

Ferrero Rocher.

'Cause I'm going

to the Ambassadors' reception.

Mike, I sense

there's a new mood

of confidence

in the England camp.

That's right, yeah.

Well, we're confident

we can go all the way.

I think you're gonna see

a few surprises

in this tournament.

[cheering and applause]

England, England, England!

You're shit.

You're shit.

Useless fucking wanker!

No fucking...

Fucking manager?

Wanker!

Do you think it's big

and clever, do you, swearing

and shouting at people?

Can't you think of something

constructive to say?

Because if you can,

I'd like to hear it.

Yeah, all right.

Why don't you play

two people up

front instead of one?

Two.

Okay, anything else?

Yeah, you could switch Robbo

from the left flank to the right

'cause he's a lot more

constructive with

his right peg.

Yeah, and bring Tonka back

into the attacking midfield

role, right.

Danny drops back

and he shores up defense.

It's easy.

[cheering]

It would be nice

to see Massey

make some of his jinking runs

into the box like he does

for his club.

That's it.

And with Rufus and Fairbrother

alongside each other up front

you've got an effective

partnership of strength

and skill.

Fuck off.

Here we go again, look.

Mmm, they're hooligans,

aren't they?

They're not real football

supporters.

They're bloody psychotic thugs,

the lot of them.

Look at the way

they're behaving.

They shouldn't be allowed

to travel,

watch their national side,

should they?

Look, them old women

are petrified.

Look at that lad,

lashing out with their feet,

look, Goading the police.

They want their passports

taking off them

and they want bloody

locking up, the lot of them.

Hang on, that's Wacko.

What's he doing?

Look, he's right

in the thick of it.

Oh, my God.

Oh, no.

You're shit

and you know you are.

You're shit...

Hello, love.

Oh, so-so.

Did you hear about Wacko?

Not too good.

Yeah, broken leg,

dislocated shoulder,

fractured skull,

and couple of broken ribs.

No, that was just

a Brazilian policeman.

No, Wacko's fine.

But they reckon he could

get up to 3 months, you know.

But, but...

you never know down here,

do you?

Anyhow, how's Jason?

What,

they've shaved his eyebrows off

because we drew with Egypt?

Oh, fucking hell!

Could you just give us

a bit of privacy a minute,

please, boys?

Just a minute.

Now, Karine, love, don't cry.

No, he'll grow them back.

No, they grow back in no time.

Yeah, well, just get him

a bloody balaclava for now.

Back in London,

the pressure on Karine

is beginning to show.

Well, enough's enough.

Look at his eyebrows.

He's gonna have to wear a hat

for the next 6 months.

I've told Mike

that we're gonna move

in with my sister for a while.

It's not worth it.

Chins up, eh, lads.

Come on, chins up.

Lads, come on, chins up, eh?

Big smiles, come on.

Look,

forget about the Egypt.

We've got a new plan

for the Mexico.

We're gonna

drop the Christmas pudding.

We're gonna go

for the 3-1-2-1-2-1 formation.

Now look, you're gonna

have to pick this up

as we go along,

because we haven't

got much time,

so, come on, lads,

let's go, eh?

Come on.

Come on, on your feet.

Nice and bright.

Come on, lads, eh?

Come on, lads,

let's move it.

Up, come on.

Where's the balls, Doddsy?

Come on, lads,

where are the balls, eh?

Come on, get the balls, lads.

Come on, lads.

Doddsy, where's the balls?

I don't know, boss.

Alan?

Alanso?

Ally, where's the balls?

Lonnie has got them

in the back of his Opel.

Where is he?

Went into town

to do some shopping, boss.

Jesus Christ.

Get over there and get the ball

off them kids, will you,

Doddsy?

Hurry up.

Eh, rightio, boss.

Okay, lads,

this is what I want you to do,

I want you to say

to yourselves...

We're better than the Mexicans.

We're better than the Mexicans.

We're better than the Mexicans.

[indistinct]

Smallsy.

We're better than

the Mexicans.

Good, good.

Now, look, some of you lads

are on 50 grand a week.

These fellas,

they got a pocketful of pesetas

and a funny hat.

Ball, lads, eh?

Come on.

So let's go out there

and show them

our superior skills,

our techniques.

You know, dribbling,

set pieces, one twos,

stuff like that, eh?

Do that again--

We're class,

class!

Where's the ball?

I tell you what, boss,

they took it round me

like I weren't even there.

We are better than Mexicans.

We are better than Mexicans.

Come on, lads, louder.

We are better than

the Mexicans.

We are better than

the Mexicans.

Come on, lads.

We are better than

the Mexicans.

Half-time

in La Bombonera Stadium

and England trail Mexico

by two goals to nil.

Have you heard

what the crowd are...

shouting?

Bassett's a (bleep)!

Bassett's a (bleep)!

Bassett's a (bleep)!

They shouldn't be

shouting at me,

they be shouting at you!

And do you know why?

Because it's (bleep) half time

and we're (bleep) 2-0 down

to the (bleep) Mexicans!

What's (bleep) wrong

with you?

Get your (bleep) fingers out!

Where's your bottle

(bleep) gone?

And can you (bleep)

pay attention

when I'm (bleep)

talking to you?

If you don't want to

wear the shirt,

take it off...

there's (bleep)

thousands of kids out there

who'd (bleep) die

to put that (bleep) shirt on!

(bleep) get back on the field,

show them what you can

(bleep) do

or (bleep) off

home on the (bleep) plane!

Have you got that?

England lose 4-nil.

Mike...

it's the worst game of football

I've ever seen in my life.

Oh, come on.

What about the game

we played against the Belgium

6 months ago?

No, no,

it was worse than that.

There was no skill,

no shots, no passing,

no one twos,

no inspiration.

There was just no ideas.

Well, what about

the set piece plays?

There were none of them

either.

Mike, you've got 3 days

till we play Argentina.

Do you think you can win

that game?

Well, I don't want to

predict that.

Well, why not?

You're the England manager.

I know, but obviously

I want them to win,

but I can't say

if they will or-or not.

You don't think

we can beat Argentina.

I can't say, can I?

I mean, what do you

bloody think?

Well, you're

the England manager, Mike,

not me.

I know, but you're asking me

to predict the future,

so I'm asking you.

It's not for me

to say, is it?

No, come on now, smartarse,

you put your bloody neck

on the line.

Can we beat them, yes or no?

No, we can't.

And what do you think?

No, I don't.

Think we can win, Tommo?

It's not gonna happen, Mike.

And what about you two?

No, I don't.

There you go, see?

You've all made your own

bloody mind up,

so what the hell

are you asking me for?

You wankers.

You can't say that, Mike.

Mike...

Mike...?

Did you get that?

With just two nights to go

before England's

last group game

Bassett tries to get

some much needed sleep.

Oh, fuck that!

Oh, no, no, no,

that's not coming anywhere

near me!

Get the fuck away.

Oh, how, lads!

All these slags are blokes!

Go on, out, lady-boy, out!

Hey--hey it's four o'clock

in the morning,

what's going on?

Er, nothing, boss.

I was just, er,

just sleepwalking.

Have you had anyone

in your room?

Oh, course I haven't, boss.

I've never even.

I've never seen that fella

before in me life.

You're dropped.

Oh, no.

Oh, don't drop us, boss.

Oh, please

don't drop us!

No, please, don't drop us!

We want Bassett out.

Yes, we want Bassett out.

With his midfield

maestro sidelined

for at least one game

Bassett calls his squad

together

in a bid to get the show

back on the road.

Look, I had to drop back

'cause kept missing

your tackles.

You try marking

that Ramirez,

he'd shit all over you.

I didn't understand

the 3-2-1-2-1-1 system.

Where was I supposed to be

playing?

[cell phone rings]

Will you fuck off!

Right.

That's the honest points

out of the way,

so let's talk through

the positive points, shall we?

Okay, Doddsy.

Well, er--

on the positive side

them Mexicans

were bloody brilliant,

weren't they?

Yeah, I'll tell you what,

if that Ramirez

doesn't win player

of the tournament

then there's no justice.

Hey, three cheers

for Ramirez.

Hip hip.

Hooray!

Hip hip.

Hooray!

Shut up!

You're cheering

the bloody Mexicans?

We're England!

Yeah, all right, all right,

keep your hair on, Mike.

Keep me hair on?

Bloody hell,

the newspapers are calling me

a twat,

the wife's about to leave me

we're gonna get knocked out

the bloody World Cup

and you're singing

three cheers for Ramirez'!

It's a wonder I've got

any bloody hair left!

No need to

take that attitude.

I'm going out of my mind

here, lad, and what are you

doing to help me

apart from locking

all the bloody footballs

in the Opel?

You got a bit of resentment

there, Mike?

Might as well get it off

your chest.

I think I will as a matter

of fact, thank you very much.

See, you,

you're just a waste of space.

That's how you feel, is it?

Yeah, and I'll tell you

something else,

you're a small-minded bigot.

Is there anything else

in the locker there, Mike?

Well, just the one.

You know that bloody Daewoo car

you sold me?

Well it's an absolute

fucking disgrace!

Right, that's it.

Lonnie Urquart is sacked

with immediate effect...

I don't fucking need this.

Leaving Bassett

without an assistant manager

and a nose broken

in two places.

With just one day to go

before the final group match

Bassett's plans

are in tatters.

Look, um--

I'm sorry I let you down.

That's okay, son.

Forget about it.

Thanks.

Thanks a lot.

Hey, how about I get you

a drink, huh?

Put a smile back on your face.

Best not to.

I'm on the anti-depressants.

Oh, go on.

A couple of sharpeners

won't do you any harm, will it?

Come on,

just a little one, huh?

Suppose one will be

all right.

Er, por favor.

Yes?

Two pints of lager

and a pair of flaming

zambuccas--please.

Yes.

[music playing]

[whistles]

Eh-up, boss, get it off.

Get it off!

Oh Christ, put it back on!

Oh, boss, boss--

It's Pele!

[foreign language]

Hey, Pele,

you were the greatest striker

in the history of football

and you still missed

a bloody sitter

there in the World Cup

in 1970.

[foreign language]

You were only three

foot out.

Bloody headed it

and Banksy tipped it

over the bloody bar.

Take a tip from me

it's all about

upper body strength.

On me head, not off me head.

Not off me head,

not on me head.

Not off me head,

not on me head.

Not on me head,

not off me head.

Where's your adventure?

What the hell do you think

you're doing, Mike?

Get down at once.

Come on, Geoffrey!

This is a red card offense,

Mike.

Come on, get down.

Geoffrey.

Come on, come on, get down.

Come on.

They think it's all over-

It is now!

The England manager

Mike Bassett,

has been caught on film

in a bizarre incident

at the team's hotel--

And it's clowns.

This time it's the turn

of Mike Bassett,

head coach of the English team

caught downtown

in a Brazilian bar

with a bellyful of liquor--

It's an absolute disgrace.

He's supposed to be

the England manager.

[foreign language]

Bassett has shot himself

in the foot.

The storm clouds

begin to gather above Rio...

and the tabloid press

sharpen their knives.

Do you think this is the end

for Mike Bassett?

I don't know.

When the fat lady sings,

they...

they pull the curtain down.

They get the fat lady

off the stage.

What do you think

your dad would say

if he was here now?

I don't know.

[knocking on door]

Press are waiting for you,

Mike.

Yeah.

Thank you, thanks.

Er...

ladies and gentlemen,

I've had a...

long, hard

think about the events

of the last few days...

and I've had to make

one of the hardest decisions

I've ever had to make

in my life.

Um, er, I've decided to...

carry on

as the England manager.

Oh no,

you cannot be serious.

Mike, come on,

you have to realize,

the situation,

it's completely untenable.

No,

that's not necessarily so.

I've had a word

with the appropriate bodies

and, er, told them

how very, very sorry I am.

Mike, if one of your players

acted in the same way,

he'd be on the next plane home

and you know it.

Yeah, at least.

Yeah, but I've been on

anti-depressants...

and along with some lagers

and a few zambucca chasers...

tia maria and the odd glass

of wine, you know...

Mike--Mike, surely

it's time to step down.

No, not at all.

I've, I've had, er...

I've had words

with Mr.--Mr. Lightfoot

and he's, he's behind me

all the way.

Can you tell us what words?

Thanks, mate.

Geoffrey Lightfoot

doesn't want you.

You know, the team

doesn't want you...

the fans don't want you...

We don't want you.

Yeah.

Mike,

even your wife's left you.

It's not as if you've got

anything keeping you here,

have you?

You know, time to pick up

your coat, I think.

We'll have a whip round

for the plane fare.

Yeah, for Mr. Bassett.

Look, in God's name,

just go, eh?

It's finished,

it's over, isn't it?

[indistinct]

Just go.

[indistinct]

If you can keep your head

when all about you men

are losing theirs

and blaming it on you...

You're a waste of space.

If you can trust yourself--

when all men doubt you.

And make allowance

for their doubting, too.

If you can dream

and not make dreams

your master.

if you can think

and not make thoughts your aim.

if you can meet

with triumph and disaster

and treat those two imposters

just the same.

If you can bear

to hear the truth you've spoken

twisted by knaves

to make a trap for fools.

Or watch the things

you've gave your life

to broken.

And stoop and build them up

with worn-out tools.

If you can make one heap

of all your winnings.

And risk it on one turn

of pitch and toss...

I love you, boss.

And lose, and start again

at your beginnings.

And never breathe a word

about your loss.

If you can force your heart

and nerve and sinew

to serve your turn

long after they are gone.

And so hold on

when there is nothing in you

except the will

which says to them--

"hold on."

If you can talk with crowds

and keep your virtue,

or walk with kings

nor lose the common touch.

If neither foes

nor loving friends

can hurt you.

And all men count with you

but none too much.

If you can fill

the unforgiving minute

with sixty seconds worth

of distance run,

yours is the Earth...

and everything that's in it,

and which is more,

you'll be a man--

my son.

Ladies and gentlemen...

England will be playing

4-4-fucking-2.

Apologies to our viewers

for the colorful choice

of language there.

Geoffrey.

Football as you know is a,

a passionate sport

where profanity

and expletives...

Jason.

Though never condoned,

are nonetheless commonplace.

I love you.

The Romanians are at it.

So are the Swedes.

Darlean on the end of this.

What about the Nigerians?

This lad can really move.

And they've equalized!

His football's

not bad either.

Here come the Italians.

These two go together

like Spaghetti and Bolognese.

Mouth watering.

Incredible!

They did it in '74.

They did it in '78.

Can they do it again?

Yup, looks like the Scots

are going out

in the First Round.

But what about England?

They have to beat

the old enemy Argentina

to stay in the tournament.

Games just don't come

any bigger than this.

Well, I counted them all out

and I counted them all back.

What's your reaction?

Let's rejoice at that news.

England!

♪ When two tribes go to war ♪

♪ Point is all that ♪

♪ you can score ♪

♪ Score no more ♪

♪ score no more ♪

♪ When two tribes go to war ♪

♪ Point is all that you can ♪

♪ score ♪

♪ Working for the black gas ♪

♪ Cowboy number one ♪

♪ A born again poor man's son ♪

You know him better than

anybody probably.

Do you back him to score,

quickly, yes or no?

Yes.

Oh, he missed it!

No.

Argentina go through...

and England go out!

It's a fluke that we got

here in the first place

and I just think that,

you know, he's shaming us

in front of the world.

And can we beat

Argentina?

I tell you what,

if we beat Argentina,

how about I chuck my job in,

I'll become a dustman.

England versus Argentina.

Could this be Bassett's

last game in charge?

With Gary Wackett in jail,

Bassett gives the captain's

armband to Alan

"Skipper" Massey.

Lead them out, Skips.

Finally, he has his

nickname.

Come on, Skipper.

Go on, Skipper.

Go on, Skipper.

Go on, Skipper.

Come on, Skipper.

Come on, Skipper.

Come on, lads, let's go,

let's go!

[cheers and applauds]

[fireworks popping]

This is it, boss.

This is it.

Come on, boys,

just play the system.

Listen up, lads.

System, come on.

Come on, come on!

Referee!

Go on, lads!

Linesman!

Keep going.

Keep that going.

Oh!

Oh!

England take the game

to Argentina.

It's a classic

confrontation where one

slip-up could decide

the match.

With five minutes left

to play, the score remains

firmly deadlocked.

Final substitution.

Hey, 13 off, 10 on.

You still got it, Tonka?

Aye, I've got it, boss--

It's in me pocket.

Well, take it out

your pocket and put it

on the pitch.

I love you, boss.

Well, there's some

activity down, er,

in the England dugout.

And maybe this is

the last roll of the dice for

Mike Bassett.

Oh, no, no, no.

Some of you...

see this fellow

as a talisman for England,

Kevin Tonkinson.

Go on, Tonka, lad.

It's time for Tonka.

It's just the last act

of a desperate man.

[foreign language]

Come on, boys--

the last five.

Go for it!

Deano, give it to Tonka.

It's still nil-nil...

and Tonkinson is on now

and he gets the ball

from Savigar's throw.

And that's a brilliant turn.

Do a Maradona, son.

Come on, do a Maradona.

And it's still

Tonkinson.

Good lad, Tonka.

Good.

Hold it, hold it, Tonka.

He's taking Argentina on.

He's passed Bastardo.

Come on, Tonk.

Come on, Tonk.

Come on, Tonk.

Go on, Tonk.

Out comes--

Goooooaaaallllllll!

What a wonderful goal!

Let's see it again.

Tonka one on one

with Bastardo.

Round him like he wasn't

there.

Chips the keeper.

Back off the bar.

And look at that.

Fantastic header.

Hint of a handball

there, Martin.

Against Argentina?

No chance.

[cheers and applauds]

Yeah, Tonka, my son!

The game represented

a glorious vindication

of Bassett's 4-4-2 system...

Mike! Mike!

And a triumph

of faith in the face

of adversity.

Look-- Mike!

Hey-- boss-- boss...

where are you going?

I'm gonna phone

the wife.

Following their

remarkable victory over

Argentina...

England progress

to the knockout stage

of the tournament...

successfully seeing off

Romania and former

champions France

in the following rounds.

England were eventually

knocked out

in the Semi-Finals

by the host nation Brazil

who went on

to lift the Cup.

But for Bassett,

the great Brazilian adventure

was over.

Oh, no, not really

superstitious,

I just promised Doddsy

that if we got through

the qualifying rounds,

I, er...

I wouldn't shave...

you know, like Boris Becker

did, you know.

Right.

Sorry, Mike, just a quick

question.

You got us to the,

the World Cup Semi-Finals.

How does it feel?

Well, we gave it our

best shot.

Didn't we, Doddsy?

Oh, aye, boss,

best shot.

No question.

But I have to accept

that I failed.

You know, I...

I, I promised all them

people in England

I'd be bringing

the World Cup home

and I've, er--

I've let them all down.

But don't you think

you're being a bit harsh

on yourself?

I mean, you've equaled

our best performance

since we won

the World Cup in 1966.

Yeah, but that's not

good enough for our

country that.

No, no.

I've had my turn and...

maybe it's time to move over

and leave it

to a younger man or,

I don't know,

even one of these

foreign coaches, you know.

So, what does the future

hold for Mike Bassett?

I'm gonna consult

with the family and I'm not

getting any younger,

maybe it's...

maybe it's time to retire,

you know.

I have been called

the last great footballing

dinosaur so maybe

I should just

gracefully sort of...

Become extinct.

Yeah, yeah.

Thanks, Doddsy.

Um, how do you feel now

that the...

Okay.

Thanks very much.

Thanks.

Ladies and gentlemen,

if you could return

to your seats, please,

and fasten your seat-belts

as we will shortly be making

our final approach

into London.

Thank you.

♪ This is how I pray ♪

♪ For the summertime ♪

♪ This is how I pray ♪

♪ For the summer ♪

Come on,

let's go downstairs.

♪ Got my glass of shandy ♪

♪ Now I feel fine ♪

Cheers, boss.

♪ This is how I pray ♪

♪ In the summer ♪

Mike.

Mike, just a quick word.

Thanks ever so much for all

your help.

Take care. Good luck.

♪ If the more you pray ♪

♪ The more you stay ♪

Thank you.

♪ The less it's getting ♪

♪ You down ♪

♪ If the more you pray ♪

♪ The more you stay ♪

♪ The less it's getting ♪

♪ You down ♪

[cheers and applauds]

♪ Autumn time leaves ♪

♪ Falling on the ground ♪

We love you, Bassett.

we do.

We love you, Bassett,

we do.

♪ Wintertime follows suit ♪

♪ Little things freezing ♪

♪ In the snow ♪

♪ Winter's ♪

♪ Such an ugly brute ♪

♪ Mid-city blues get me down ♪

♪ I take a break ♪

♪ From the strain ♪

♪ Get out your car ♪

♪ And drink a glass of wine ♪

Mike! Mike! Mike!

♪ Admit it you feel great ♪

Four more years!

♪ This is how I feel ♪

♪ In the summertime ♪

♪ This is how I feel ♪

♪ In the summertime ♪

I'm staying on!

♪ Got my glass of shandy ♪

♪ Now I feel fine ♪

♪ This is how I play, yeah ♪

♪ This is how I feel ♪

♪ In the summertime ♪

♪ This is how I feel ♪

♪ In the summer ♪

♪ Got my glass of shandy ♪

♪ Now I feel fine ♪

♪ This is how I play, yeah ♪

♪ And if your love has met ♪

♪ Its sad refrain ♪

Anybody else?

Maybe Korea, Japan.

Japan?

Yeah.

What about England?

Er, England qualified?

Yes, yes,

England have qualified.

♪ This is how we feel ♪

♪ In the summertime ♪

♪ This is how we feel ♪

♪ In the summer ♪

♪ What's mine is yours ♪

♪ What's yours is mine ♪

♪ This is how I play, yeah ♪

♪ This is how we feel ♪

♪ In the summertime ♪

♪ This is how we feel ♪

♪ In the summer ♪

♪ Take you back ♪

♪ To the summer of '89 ♪

♪ This is how I play, yeah ♪

♪ This is how we feel ♪

♪ In the summer ♪

♪ The Mondays the roses ♪

♪ Blocking all your noses ♪

♪ Wearing baggy clothes ♪

♪ In our Buffalo poses ♪

♪ Bank tellers ♪

♪ Stroppy little fellas ♪

♪ Loved up in the ♪

♪ Clubs of football thugs ♪

♪ No malice ♪

♪ A dicky dread locks ♪

♪ Boozin off your socks ♪

♪ Big fish little fish ♪

♪ Card board box ♪

♪ Gimme French Kiss ♪

♪ I'll love you from the rain ♪

♪ I dream of Santa Ana ♪

♪ On the road to Mandalay ♪

♪ In the summertime ♪

♪ Where the weather is hot ♪

♪ In the summertime ♪

♪ I got women, I got women ♪

♪ On my mind, on my mind ♪

♪ In the summertime ♪

♪ Where the weather is hot ♪

♪ In the summertime ♪

♪ I got shivers ♪

♪ Down my spine ♪

♪ What the hell

♪ you playin' at?

♪ Baby, you don't play to win

♪ Why did you take possession

♪ If you didn't want

♪ to put it in?

♪ Well, first is first

♪ and fair is fair

♪ But second place is nowhere

♪ Well, they say God loves

♪ a tryer, well, they lied

♪ It's just that triers

♪ pose no threat to him

♪ And if you told your liver

♪ No one's gonna give a shit

♪ for you, my friend

♪ But everybody loves

♪ the underdog

♪ Yeah, everybody

♪ loves the underdog

♪ It's winning that counts

♪ Not the taking part

♪ Better get that straight

♪ Right from the start

♪ Everybody, everybody loves

♪ the underdog

♪ But every little top

♪ must have its day

♪ So come on and make your play

♪ Take your chances

♪ if you can

♪ 'Cause otherwise you go down

♪ Going down

♪ You're going down

♪ You're going down

♪ Going down

♪ You're going down

♪ Yeah, yeah

♪ You're going down

♪ Yeah, yeah

♪ Yeah, yeah

♪ Yeah, yeah

♪ Yes, everybody loves

♪ the underdog

♪ Everybody loves the underdog

♪ Everybody loves the underdog

♪ Everybody loves the underdog

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

♪ Yeah, yeah

♪ Everybody loves the underdog

♪ Everybody loves the underdog

♪ Everybody loves the underdog

♪ Everybody loves the underdog

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

♪ Everybody loves the underdog♪