Merrily We Go to Hell (1932) - full transcript

(CLOCK CHIMING)

(LIVELY PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)

Silly people.

I don't like that fellow
with the little mustache.

Up and at that mustache, men!

(CHUCKLES)

Got him.

Now that I know you love me,

how about letting me
drive you home, huh?

Oh.

I'm sorry if I frightened you.



I didn't know
anyone was out here.

Thank you.

May I?
Surely.

I'm a little drunk.
Will you excuse me?

I think everyone here is a little
drunk, but I'll excuse you.

Do you know who the gentleman was
that tried to kiss you just now?

That was Damery, you know,
the gossip columnist,

the glassup columlist,
the newspaper fellow.

If you'd let him kiss you, you'd
probably have read about it

in tomorrow's paper.

I wouldn't have liked that.

Wouldn't you like
a little drink?

No, thank you. Drinking
isn't one of my many vices.

Well, personally, I'm
going to stop drinking



next Tuesday afternoon
at 3:00 sharp.

(LAUGHS)

That make you feel better?

Much.

Enough better so that we
may introduce ourselves?

I'm sorry. I forgot.
I'm Jerry Corbett.

(GASPS)

What's the matter?
Does the name terrify you?

I didn't mean to look so stupid,

but I never miss
reading your column.

You write very cleverly.

Oh, yes, I'm so clever that I'm one
of the few drinking newspapermen

who can still hold his job.

As a matter of fact, I've
almost finished a play.

Well, you shouldn't have gotten me
started on the subject of myself

because I can go
on and on for hours.

Supposing you tell me
who you happen to be.

Nobody. Just a girl
named Joan Prentice.

That means you are somebody.

It means you're the daughter of
the gentleman who made millions

putting things into tin cans

that people like me
take out of tin cans.

I see you believe in signs.

Mmm-hmm.

And all the signs
point to three stars.

Will you excuse me?

Wouldn't you like to come
over here and sit down?

It's cozier, and then, too,
the drinks are handier.

Been having a good time tonight?

I'm a little disappointed.

I expected to meet a lot of
interesting people and talk to them.

Most of them are too drunk to talk
intelligently or else they insult you.

Bob Noble's parties
are always like this,

except that you don't often
see such awfully fine hands.

Long, slender and artistic,

and a diamond ring the size of a small
potato on the right little finger.

Awfully fine head,

hair like an Indian, fine, chiseled
features, clean-cut as a tomahawk.

Say, now I feel like singing.
Do you mind?

I don't know.
Wait until I hear you.

It'll be too late then.

(SINGING) First she gave me
gingerbread

And then she gave me cake

And then she gave me creme de
menthe for meeting her at the gate

(GIGGLING) Sing some more.
I like that one.

Do you?
I like you, too, Joanie.

I think you're nice.

Thanks. You mean, of course,
alcoholically speaking.

No. No, really.
I think you're swell.

I like your hands.

Gosh, they're swell.

Funny. Why'd I
let you do that?

Because I think you're swell.

What's your name, Joan?

My name's Joan.

I mean your telephone number.

Bittersweet 8100.

Come and have tea
tomorrow at 5:00.

Hey, I'll be there early,
and I'll stay late.

You'll never remember to come.

Sure I will.

It's late, Joan.

Don't go, Joanie.

Stay and we'll sing
a thousand songs.

I got millions
of them. Don't go.

Do we have to go, Greg?

I'd rather.

I want to get out to
the club early tomorrow.

I'll get my wrap.

I don't believe we've met.

My name's Corbett.
What's yours?

Gregory Boleslavsky.

Hey, now wait a minute.

I asked you a civil question,
and I expect a civil answer.

You want a drink?

No, thanks.

No?
Well, that's right, don't.

It's a rotten bottle, and it's a
rotten label, and it's rotten whiskey.

No one should drink it.

Go on, get out of here.

He is a good reporter, but a
very terrible tap dancer.

That's funny.

Our city editor says I'm a good tap
dancer, but a very terrible reporter.

All ready?
Yes.

Just a minute, Greg.

Good night, Mr. Corbett.

Who are you?

Nobody.

Who was that?

I don't know.

Well, merrily we go to hell.

Dad!

You know Jerry Corbett,
the boy I met last night?

Only what you told me
at breakfast.

Yes, and I thought
he wouldn't call,

but he did, and he's coming
to my party this afternoon.

You sure he won't
disappoint you again?

I tell you, he's coming.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Benson.

Yes, Miss Joan.

Benson, have we gingerbread, cake
and creme de menthe in the house?

We have cake and
créme de menthe.

I don't know
about the gingerbread.

Well, I want all
three served at tea.

Yes, Miss Joan.

(GIGGLING)

What is it?
What happened?

Nothing happened.
Everything's heavenly.

(SINGING) First she gave me
gingerbread

And then she gave me cake

And then she gave me créme de
menthe for meeting her at the gate

I can't understand it.

I said about 5:00, and he
said he'd be here then.

I wouldn't worry about a young
man who hasn't any manners

and quite obviously no taste.

I've no use for him from now on.

I'm afraid I won't have any
use for your Jerry Corbett

if ever I have the
pleasure of meeting him.

I guess you'll never
have that pleasure.

Goodbye, Charlcie.

Goodbye, Joan.

I'll see you to your car?

You're nothing but an old roué.

We didn't have any customers
for our gingerbread

and créme de menthe, Miss Joan.

No.

Does one ring a bell
or just walk in here?

It all depends on whether
or not one is on time.

I have an idea
you're Mr. Jerry Corbett.

Yeah. Yes,
have we met before?

I doubt it.

I never wait more than
five minutes for anyone.

If you step inside
I'll tell Joan you're here.

Thank you.

If you'll wait in there, please.

Thank you.

(WHISTLES)

(JOAN CHUCKLES)

Hello.

Hello.

Wait a minute.

Don't tell me you
walk on this floor.

Sometimes it turns into a roller
coaster right beneath your feet.

Perhaps we'd better sit down.

Thank you.

Father tells me
he met you at the door.

Yes.

Do you know, I think your
father's in love with me.

Why?

Because he seemed
upset when he saw me,

and it's always love
that upsets a man, you know.

Some of the biggest
and littlest men in history

have been upset by love.

I was one of the big men, of
course, when it happened to me.

By the way, am I a little late?

A little.

I'd like to have had you here for the
party, but it really doesn't matter.

I think you're swell.

I'm beginning to think you do.

You told me that last night.

Well, just to prove
that I still think so,

would you like to take a little drive
with me and have dinner somewhere?

I'd love to.

Perhaps I ought to explain that my
car is yellow and has a meter on it.

I have a car.

Well, I didn't mean that we...

I did. Let's go now.

I guess I didn't know
you walked on these floors

because most of the floors I
know have sawdust on them.

(HORN BLARING)

(CHUCKLES)

A gentleman wouldn't advertise
he was kissing a lady.

I was advertising the finest
of Prentice products.

That reminds me, it's high time
I bought you something to eat.

I'm not hungry.

Neither am I.

Do you always make love to girls

when you take them for a drive?

I don't often take
them for a drive.

I'm afraid, as a rule,
I prefer the company of men,

particularly if
they're bartenders.

You see, I figured out
a long time ago

that a punch in the nose heals
much quicker than a broken heart.

Don't tell me
you're a woman-hater.

Not at all. I just don't
think about them very much.

You thought about one once.

I mean, you said something
before we left the house

about having once
been upset by a woman.

Now, how can one so young have

the memory of a
200-year-old elephant?

I just happen to remember.

Matter of fact, I was
upset by a woman once.

When?

A couple of years ago.

What was her name?

Claire. Claire Hempstead.

Whatever became of her?

She's on the stage.

She's been just as successful
there as she was with me.

Have you any pictures of her?

Yeah, I got an old
one hanging in my room.

Do you ever look at it?

Once every blue moon.

Say, what is this,
anyway, an inquisition?

No, I guess
I'm a little jealous.

Well, don't be.

I don't blame Claire

'cause any girl would be a
fool to marry a man like me.

Oh, I don't know.

Joan, if I haven't said so
before, I want to tell you now.

You're swell.

(HORN BLARING)

You know, Miss Claire Hempstead,

I've met a girl who's just the
opposite of your lovely, fleshly self,

the first girl that's attracted
me since you opened my veins

and carried away my blood
in a golden bowl.

(LIVELY PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)

I wish you'd keep your mind
active instead of your feet.

Well, I'm a son of a gun.

He's come back
from the dead! Jerry!

How are you?
Hello, Buck.

Sulfur and brimstone.

VI: Hello, Jerry.

Say, Jerry, where you
been keeping yourself?

Yeah, that's right. The police
haven't been able to find me

in my usual haunts
lately, have they?

Why so low, Jerry?

Because, my dear,
I'm going to be married.

What?
Married!

Keep it under your hat.

MAN: Hey, Bill.

Well, you're not exactly my
idea of a happy bridegroom.

Well, that's where you're wrong, Vi.
I am happy.

What troubles me is,

have I a right to take a swell
girl and make her my wife?

No.

Your charm is only exceeded
by your frankness.

I think we ought to celebrate.

So do I.
So do I, Buck.

Let us have champagne,
or at the very least, beer.

Let us have song.
One, two, three...

All we need's a baritone
and we'd have a quartet.

Let's find a baritone. ls there
a baritone in the house?

JERRY: ls there
a baritone in the house?

He's not sure he's in love
with that girl, Buck.

He's likely to do to her just
what my husband did to me.

JERRY: ls there
a baritone in the house?

You're not so bad,
Vi, but it's a fact.

This town is full of wives who
closed their eyes, jumped,

and now are screaming for help.

On the level, Fred,
I'm gonna be married.

Keep it under your hat.

So that's the reason
you haven't been around.

Yeah. But at the moment
we're looking for a baritone.

I don't allow them in the place.

ALL: You don't?

(LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING)

ls there
a baritone in the house?

Are you a baritone?

I'm very sorry.

No baritone.

Are you a baritone?

No, I'm not.
I'm a tenor.

A tenor. You're a tenor.

(LAUGHS)

Are you a baritone?

Hello, Mr. Corbett.

Hello.

If you had your hat on,

I'd tell you
I'm going to be married.

Congratulations.
Who's the lucky girl?

JERRY: Her name
is Joan Prentice.

Now, be a good girl,
run along and get your hat

and keep what
I told you under it.

All righty.

Is there
a baritone in the house?

CROWD: No!

It's unbelievable.

There isn't
a baritone in the house.

Oh, yes, there is.
I'm a baritone.

There it is.

You search for happiness, and all
the time it's right behind the bar.

Sir, you're a baritone
and a gentleman.

He's no gentleman.
He's a baritone.

(LAUGHS)

So let's go.

Wait a minute.

(HUMMING)

(SINGING) Oh, the moonlight's
fair tonight along the Wabash

From the fields there comes
the breath of new-mown hay

of new-mown hay

Through the sycamores
the candle light is gleaming

(HUMMING OFF-KEY)

on the banks of the Wabash

He's no gentleman
and he's no baritone.

Far away

So far away

Hi, Jerry.
Hi.

Hi, Jerry.
Hello, fellows.

Congratulations, Jerry.

Yeah, it's swell.
I'm awfully glad.

I never thought
you'd do it, kid.

Good luck, Jerry.

Where'd you fellows learn about it?
I haven't told a soul.

No?

Come over here and
get a load of this.

By the way, Corbett, here's
something else may interest you.

Any statement to make
to the press, Corbett?

Any statement I made to you
wouldn't be fit to print.

I don't know. Yours is
just a common case.

When we're young,
we want to marry for love,

and when we're a little older,
we marry a Rolls-Royce.

Cut it out, fellows.

You'd better hold me. One or two
will be enough to hold him.

Now, that'll be enough of this.
Get back to your desks.

Cool off, Jerry.
Cool off.

Now, now, Jerry.

Try and keep your high
spirits from bubbling over.

In the third place,
he wasn't worth it,

in the second place,
it was a good punch,

and in the first place,
forget it.

Yeah, well,
I've forgotten it already.

So have I.

(WHOOPS)

What this country needs
is more blondes like that

and more men like me.

You know, Jerry,

I can just feel those
soft arms around me now.

Can you, Buck?

(PHONE RINGS)

Hello.

May I speak to
Mr. Corbett, please?

You certainly can.

It's for you.
Thanks.

Hello. Why, dear,
what's the matter?

It's nothing. Only,

Dad wants to know if you can
come out and see him now.

NOW?

Why, yeah, I guess so.
Yes, sure.

Sure, dear.
I'll be right out. All right.

Goodbye.

What's the matter?

I've just had an
invitation to the dance.

James, me cuffs
and me sword, please.

I'm off to the wars in Flanders.

I never talked to you, Corbett,

because I never thought
we'd have anything in common.

I see I was mistaken.

After inquiring about you, I find
we have less in common than ever.

Nevertheless, I feel I have a right
to ask you certain questions.

Certainly.

What is your salary?

$85 a week.

And then, of course,
whatever I sell on the side.

Joan has been used
to every luxury, Corbett.

I never taught her
the value of money

because I didn't intend she
should ever have to know it.

She will have to
know it, Mr. Prentice.

You're determined to
marry her, are you?

Did it ever occur to you
that she might love me?

You think, don't you, that
as Damery says in the paper,

I'm taking a chance
with the Prentice millions.

I think it would be pleasant if you
had enough money to quit your job

and write your plays.

Aren't you doing something known
as beating about the bush?

Precisely.

I'm offering you
money to give up Joan.

How much?

$50,000.

Is that your final offer?

Yes.

Well, it's not enough,
Mr. Prentice,

'cause it just happens that
Joan means much more to me

than $50,000 means to you.

I never intended to take a single
dollar from you, and I never will.

JOAN: Bless you, Jerry.

I just couldn't stay
outside any longer.

I heard what Jerry said about
taking money from you, Father,

and I feel just as he does.

Parents die hard when it comes

to giving up
a daughter, Corbett,

an only child.

I'm fighting a losing battle.

You've won.

You won, probably,
when Joan first met you.

Be good to her, Corbett.
She's just a child.

I'm not.
Father, it's all right.

I mean, you want me to marry
Jerry now, don't you?

Because I love him.

I want you to be happy, dear, more
than anything else in the world,

and if marrying Jerry
will make you that way,

then I want it
for you, of course.

Jerry.

I only thought you should
wait a little longer

so you both could be sure.

You don't wait
when you're in love.

You don't have to wait.
You are sure.

Sure of everything when you're
in love, aren't you, Jerry?

Joan looks too sweet for
words tonight, doesn't she?

Yes, but where's her fiance?

After all, what's an announcement
party without a fiancé?

Probably much more
decorative without him.

Wouldn't you be happy if it
was your announcement party?

Good heavens, no.

Not that I wouldn't have taken
a chance with you, Joan.

You only say that
because you're safe now.

Excuse me a moment, will you?

I'll finish the dance
with you later.

Well?

I've phoned everywhere.
He can't be found.

He'll be here
any minute, I'm sure.

Of course, but I don't
like Jerry being so late.

It's humiliating for you.

Joan.

What is it, Charlcie?

Joan, someone's
waiting for you outside.

You'd better go out and see him.

What's the matter, Buck?

Has something happened to Jerry?

He's all right.

Well, where is he?

He's home.

It won't do any good
to go down there, Joan.

Joan!

Joan!

He didn't mean to do it, Joan.

It was the excitement
as much as the liquor.

But you don't understand. This
is my announcement party.

He can't do this to me.

Help me do something.

Charlcie, we've
got to do something.

Isn't there anything?

Well, I did everything possible,

gave him a shower and walked
him all over the lakefront,

but he passed out
on me in the cab.

I thought maybe by the time
we got over here that...

Charlcie, I can't
go back in there.

I just couldn't
stand the humiliation.

I simply couldn't.
I couldn't.

Joan. Joan!

And your mother thought
you'd be president.

Why, they'd never even let you
be vice president, do you hear?

Not even vice president!

Don't worry, Joan. I'll take
care of everything in the house.

What do I care
about those people now.

I know, Joan, but you'd be a
fool to care about Jerry now.

Any girl would have to be
utterly mad about a man

to marry him after this.

(ENGINE STARTING)

(BELLS CHIMING)

(BRIDAL MARCH PLAYING)

At any rate, he showed
up for the wedding.

(CHUCKLES)

Yes.

PRIEST:
Repeat after me.

L, Gerald, take thee, Joan.

L, Jerry...

I, Gerald, take thee, Joan.

To my wedded wife.

To my wedded wife.

To have and to hold.

To have and to hold.

From this day forward.

From this day forward.

For better, for worse.

For better, for worse.

For richer, for poorer.

Get a load of Buck, will you?

JERRY: According to
God's holy ordinance.

PRIEST: And thereto
I plight thee my troth.

JERRY: And thereto
I plight thee my troth.

PRIEST: Loose hands.

Now, take Gerald's hand
and repeat after me.

L, Joan, take thee, Gerald.

L, Joan, take thee, Gerald.

To my wedded husband.

To my wedded husband.

To have and to hold.

To have and to hold.

From this day forward.

From this day forward.

For better, for worse.

For better, for worse.

For richer, for poorer.

For richer, for poorer.

In sickness and in health.

In sickness and in health.

To love and to cherish.

To love and to cherish.

Till death us do part.

Till death us do part.

According to
God's holy ordinance.

According to
God's holy ordinance.

And thereto I
give thee my troth.

And thereto I
give thee my troth.

Loose hands. The ring.

You didn't give it to me.

Bless, O Lord, this ring, that he
who gives it and she who wears it

may abide in thy
peace and continue

in thy favor unto
their life's end.

Amen.

Now place it on Joan's finger.

Hold it there and
repeat after me.

With this ring...

With this ring...

I thee wed.

I thee wed.

Amen.

Amen.

Now loose hands.

Almost got me.

I wish it had.

Jerry, you're impossible. What
did you do with the ring?

I ought to be shot.
I lost it.

Well, merrily we go to hell.

Merrily you stop this
and go to work.

Come on.

Sweetheart.

JOAN: Yes, dear?

Don't you think
I've done enough today?

How many pages?

Two. And a half.

You know you do
three pages a day.

You're not
Mrs. Jerry Corbett.

You're Mrs. Simon Legree
and I'm poor old Uncle Tom.

(LAUGHS)

(UPBEAT PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)

Jerry's sure game, pure venison
from the hoof to the antlers.

I thought I'd been to
every kind of a party,

but this is the first time I've ever
been to a rejection celebration.

The kid's keeping
a stiff upper lip,

but, Vi, really he's
all broken up about it.

Of course. Never
give a woman credit

for keeping up a man's spirits.

(SINGING) First she gave me
gingerbread

And then she gave me cake

And then she gave me créme de
menthe for meeting her at the gate

So you see, children,

those are the two great dates
of American history,

1492, when Columbus
discovered America,

and 1932, when America failed
to discover Gerald Corbett.

Don't be depressed, darling.

Depressed? It's true.
I've died, gone to heaven,

or maybe I'm just going to have
roast chicken Southern style.

Do you think you can carry
it without spilling?

Watch me, Mrs. Legree!

Careful, Jerry!

Twenty years experience, Mrs.
Legree, in the best hotels.

(CRASHING)

Jerry.

Well, I was just trying to help.

That's all right.
This is a rejection party,

and Jerry has rejected
the chicken.

I'm awful sorry, Joanie.

Honey, it's all right.

I love you so much
it doesn't matter.

You go down to the store
and get some canned chicken.

I'll have it ready in no time.
All right.

Here's something to
clean up the floor.

Anything I can do, Joan?

Yeah, you can
clean up the floor.

Supposing I go to
the store and you...

My dear fellow, I go to
stores better than you do,

and you clean up
floors better than I do.

You've had more experience.

What this country needs is
less people who drop things.

I was like this once,

just getting
started and all that.

Let me be a little
sad, will you?

You'll get over it.
You'll meet someone else.

Would you get over loving Jerry?

Well, my love for my husband
was like your love for Jerry.

Not all people love that way.

It usually turns out pretty
tragically when something goes wrong.

Don't let anything
go wrong, Joan,

or if it does, take my
advice and get out in time.

I'm a fool.

But, Joan, you and Jerry
are gonna be so happy.

Why, people for miles around
are coming to stare at you.

Treason! Treason! It isn't
a Prentice product!

(DOORBELL BUZZING)

I'll see who it is, and I'll stop
Buck from talking to himself.

Jerry, I won't
ever lose you, will I?

Darling, if this thing
slips once more,

you'll be a penniless
widow tonight.

You love me enough to keep me
just as I am, don't you, Jerry?

Hey, I think you're swell.

It's a telegram.

What is it?

We're rich!
We're famous.

We're celebrities!
Jerry!

I'll go tell Buck.

(LAUGHING)

Yeah, my boy,
it's the kind of a play

that's either going to be a
great flop or a great smash.

If it's all the same to you, I
should prefer a great smash.

That's what it's gonna be.

No, thank you. No, I'm
on the wagon for life.

So?
Yeah.

No, thank you.
Excuse me.

Wait.

Wait until you see who I've
got to play your lead.

It's true she's gonna be
infernally hard to handle, but...

I don't see why
you say that, Jake.

Because I'm really
very easy to handle.

Yeah?

When I get my
own way, of course.

Jerry.
Claire.

Darling. This is my wife.
Miss Hempstead.

How do you do,
Mrs. Corbett?

How do you do?

Well, my boy, I see that you
know your leading lady, huh?

Oh, yes.
Yes, we're old friends.

So that's why at once when I
read the play, I thought of you.

You know, I think he must have had
you in mind when he wrote it.

Jerry, it would be nice to think

you'd remembered me
all these years,

particularly when you've written
such a really beautiful play.

I'm glad that you like it.

I do. It's perfect.

But now, look here, there
are one or two suggestions

I've got to make for my part.
I know you won't mind.

Now then, in the first
act, when I come on...

Well, it'd be much better if
instead of coming on with DeBrion,

I came on alone, huh?

You see, it'd be a much
better entrance for me,

and I think it'd
improve your play, too.

Let me show you.

Don't worry about her. I can
take care of her, all right.

Then, in the second act...

Thank you.

Hold this a minute, will you?

Don't you think
it'd be much better

if the curtain were built
up for me a little?

And if you could find a way of getting
DeBrion off the stage beforehand

so that I could be alone,

I think it'd be
much more effective.

Look, let me show you.

Here.

Have you done it?

All right, all right, that'll do.
Now, Jane, I'm all right.

You run along and
do as I told you.

Very well, Miss Claire.

Oh, dear, dear.

I was just going to knock. I'm
sorry if I frightened you.

JANE: You did frighten me.

Well, I don't wonder you frightened her.
You're such a rare visitor.

Is that a reproof?

Yes, it is, decidedly.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

MAN: Five minutes,
Miss Hempstead.

All right.
I'll be there.

Well, how do you feel with the
curtain going up on your first play?

Like Napoleon before Austerlitz,
or before Waterloo.

You'd better
have a little drink.

No, thanks. You know I'm
on the wagon again.

What?

Well, if the strain
becomes too great,

you'll find a bottle
in the closet there.

Jerry, why did you suddenly
decide to visit me?

Just to wish you good luck.

Dear, why are you treating
me with this devotion?

Devotion?

Well, about as much devotion as
I'd show to a boa constrictor.

Is it because I treated
you badly once?

I didn't think you
knew that you had.

I was young
and egotistical, Jerry.

Well, what are you now?

Young and egotistical.

It wasn't all my fault, you know.
No?

You were very young and
romantic in those days.

Perhaps if you'd been then
what you are now...

Well?

Well, I might be almost as
much afraid to visit you

as you're afraid to visit me.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

MAN: Curtain,
Miss Hempstead.

All right, I'm coming.

Well, Jerry,
this is your big moment.

To Waterloo.
To Austerlitz.

Darling.

JANE: Miss Claire.
All right, I'm coming.

Madam, have you
no answer for me?

Sir, if I said yes,
I should mean no,

and if I said no,
I should mean yes,

but my silence is
all true and for you.

It's your husband's play.
Applaud!

I can't. I'm too happy.

You have a funny
way of showing it.

I always cry when I'm happy.

CROWD:
Author! Author! Author!

Author! Author! Author!

MAN 1: Author! Author!

MAN 2: Author!

I'm going back to see Jerry.

MAN 3: Author! Author!

MAN 4: Author!

MAN 5: Author!

Author! Author!

MAN 6: Author!
Jerry!

Jerry! Jerry,
I'm so happy!

Hello, Claire.

Jerry!

Here. Jerry!

Jerry, Jerry, come on,
they're calling you.

Come on.

He can't go out there
in his condition.

Yes, he'll be
all right. Come on.

He can't.

He certainly can take a
bow for his own play.

He isn't going to.
What's the matter?

I can't take a bow
for my own play?

Come on.
He's standing up straight.

No one will notice.
Come on, Jerry.

You go on home,
get things ready.

I'm gonna bring the gang up.

Come on. Come on.

(APPLAUDING CONTINUES)

Buck.

Stay with him, will you?

Don't you worry. I won't even
let him out of my sight.

MAN: Speech, Jerry!

Speech!

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Shall I remain here,
Mrs. Corbett?

No, I'll call you
when they come.

Very well.

My dear, you lied to me
when I arrived today.

Lied?

You said Jerry wasn't drinking.

He hasn't been.

RADIO ANNOUNCER: It is now 2:00
a.m., Eastern Standard Time.

(SWITCHES RADIO OFF)

(DOORBELL BUZZING)

Buck, is he hurt?

He's still alive, but the couple
of bottles of Scotch are dead.

JOAN: Bring him in here.

Wait for me downstairs, driver.
Yes, sir.

Whom was he with, Buck?

No one in particular,
just hither and yon.

There was no stopping him.

He's coming to.

If he does, maybe
he'll snap out of it.

Yes, I'm sure he will.
Thanks awfully, Buck.

Joan, I...
I'm terribly sorry, but...

I don't want anyone to be sorry.

Okay, Joan.

(SOBBING)

I'll say...

Thanks, Claire.

PRENTICE: Joan!

Joan!

PRENTICE: I want
to speak to you.

I don't want to talk about it.

You're coming back
to Chicago with me.

I'm not.

Do you mean to tell me
you're really happy?

I don't want to talk about it.

Do you mean to tell me
you're really happy?

No, of course not.

Father, I've got
to talk about it.

I've been nearly crazy
keeping it all to myself.

I did lie to you before.

Joan, he isn't worth
your little finger.

Don't say that.
It isn't true.

Just think of all those months
in Chicago when he didn't drink.

Just think of the marvelous
fight he's put up.

He only started drinking when we
came to New York and he met...

He needs me now, and I'd
be selfish to leave him.

Maybe you think
it's none of my business.

I love Jerry, love him,
do you hear?

And it doesn't make any
difference what someone is

or does or anything
when you love him.

I'm sorry, Joan,

but even if you love him,
you can't go on like this.

I could never leave Jerry.

You can't be a doormat.

I'm not a doormat!

You don't know how sweet
and fine Jerry really is.

I know what I'm doing.

Perhaps you're right.

It is none of your business.

Please, Joan, don't...

I didn't mean to.

You didn't mean to.
Nobody means to.

They do their best
to make trouble

between Jerry and me
at every chance.

If they'd let us alone,
we'd be all right.

Goodbye, Joan.

I've done all I can.

When you come to your
senses, come home to me.

Father.

Joan?

Joan?

Joan!

Joan!

Joan!

(PHONE RINGS)

Hello?

I just wanted to be sure
you got home safely.

I'm all right.

What would you say if I said I
was coming over to see you now?

Well, you might
at least answer me.

Sir, if I said yes,
I should mean no,

and if I said no,

I should mean yes.

But my silence is
all true and for you.

I want terribly
to see you, Claire,

but I'm not going to do it.

I'm going to say goodbye.

(JOAN LAUGHING)

JERRY: Joan!

What's the idea, Joan?

See? This is the way
you look when you're drunk.

Just wanted to show you how
you look when you're drunk.

Honey, you've got the
words, but not the tune.

But you're charming
when you're tight, Joanie.

Really, Joan, you don't know
how charming you really are.

Really, Joan, you ought
to get tight oftener.

Well, dear,
merrily we go to hell.

Merrily you go
to your girlfriend.

Listen, Joan, you're right.

I was going to her.

I'm still going to her
unless you stop me.

I won't stop you.

If you love me, you will.

Joanie, you know I think you're
the swellest person in the world.

If you love me, you'll lock that
door so that I can't get out.

You mean that?

I'm no jailer.

Shut the door, Joan,
or I will go.

Get out. Get out!

Joan!
Get out!

Joan!

(SOBS)

I thought you'd be packed.

Did you?

Packed and gone.

Why?

I don't have to tell you why.

You mean because you didn't
come home last night?

Don't be silly.

The way you talk, one would think we
were living in my grandmother's day.

No woman could forgive a man
for doing what I did to you.

It was my fault.

Your fault?

I opened the door
and told you to go.

You know,
I wish you hadn't, Joan.

You know, I think that you
are the swellest girl

that any man
could ask for a wife.

Now that I've started this
thing with Claire, I...

Well, I have no right
to ask you to forgive me.

My grandmother wouldn't have.

And rightly.

Do you want me to go, Jerry?

You'd be an awful
fool if you stayed.

No, I wouldn't.

It happens I spent
the morning realizing

that we're living
in a modern world

where there's no place
for old-fashioned wives.

You seem to want a modern wife,

and that's what I'm going to be.

In other words, I'm going
to unpack my trunks.

You see, I'd rather go merrily
to hell with you than alone.

Joan, I always said
you were swell.

Perhaps you won't
think so much longer,

because if being a modern
husband gives you privileges,

then being a modern wife
gives me privileges.

I'm not worried, honey.

I've told you before, you've got
the words but not the tune.

Don't forget, I have a musical ear
and can pick up tunes easily.

I'll have to hurry.
Where are you going?

I just made a luncheon date with
your modern friend, Charlie Baxter.

He's been after me for a long
time to have lunch with him.

Joan...
I'll phone you later.

Perhaps we'll dine together.

Joan!

BUCK: Hey!

Let that window alone, will you?

JERRY: Okay.

What this country needs is less
ventilation and more smoke.

Come on, babe.

Jerry, there's your wife.

Excuse me.

Hello, Jerry.
Hello.

I say, do you happen to know
your namesake, Mrs. Corbett?

Yes, sir,
there's no doubt of it.

She's a distant
relative of mine.

It's my wife.

I'm sorry. I should
have connected you.

I had no idea you were
coming here tonight.

I had no idea you
were coming here.

Where'd you dine?
We didn't.

We were at Tony's, and the
idea of food was revolting.

Where's our charming host?

He's sleeping
behind the bar there.

Shall we join him?
Sure.

I'll be seeing you, Jerry.

Mrs. Corbett's a pretty
little woman, isn't she?

It's easy, look. Like this,
like that, pull, finished.

How's that? BARTENDER:
One more for the lady.

Say, Joan, what do you
say we go to Harlem?

I say no.

I thought you weren't
coming back to me.

Don't be silly.

I say yes.

Hurray!

To the ladies. They keep their
hearts and change their minds.

Oh, no. We keep our minds,
but change our hearts.

Gentlemen, I give you the holy
state of matrimony, modern style.

Single lives, twin beds and
triple bromides in the morning.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Okay.

(LIVELY JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

By the way, has anyone here
heard about the depression?

What depression?

The very charming depression between
your shoulder blades, my dear.

You're tickling me.

Joan, let's finish this dance.

I'd love to.

WOMAN: It's marvelous the
way you keep it up, Joan.

Isn't it?

Happy?
I never want to stop.

Let's go back. The
floor's awfully crowded.

All right, but the next time a woman
tells me she never wants to stop...

Excuse me.

What's the matter, lady?

I don't know.

Something's been
the matter with me lately.

I think I'm going to faint.

Oh, no, you won't.

DOCTOR:
I repeat, Mrs. Corbett.

You're in a very bad
physical condition.

Very bad.

You should have complete
rest and relaxation.

I should say it was
your only chance to...

Yes, I understand, Doctor.

I don't think there's anything
more I can do for you tonight.

No, Doctor.
Thank you for coming.

Not at all.
Good night.

Doctor gone?

Yes.

Well, here's the
bracer you wanted.

I don't want it, Vi.
I'm on the water wagon.

Doctor's orders?

Yes. He said I need
rest and relaxation.

(PEOPLE SHOUTING)

Well, there's your
rest and relaxation.

Vi, do you remember once
telling me to get out in time?

That you can become cheaper
through loving someone

than through hating someone?

Well, I didn't get out in time,

but I'm going to tell
Jerry something tonight.

You'd better wait
until tomorrow.

No, I've waited
too long already.

The bride, the bride.

Hello, darling.
I didn't think

you were coming
home for hours yet.

I changed my mind.

Well, I'm terribly
glad you're here.

We ran out of liquor.

Jerry!
I'm sorry.

Jerry, come with me. There's
something I've got to tell you.

In a minute, darling. I can't
neglect my guests, you know?

Buck didn't give us time
to say good evening.

Good evening.

Do you know, I was voted the
most popular man in college

when I told them I'd just
gotten in a new case.

What this country
needs is more people

who've just gotten
in a new case.

Step right in here,
gentlemen, and even ladies.

Have one on the house.

You know, it's an
old American custom.

I'll be right with you.

Jerry, listen to me. There's something
that I've been trying to tell you.

Wait a minute, sweet. I'm all
burdened down here, you know.

Jerry, I've been trying to
get you to listen to me,

and now you've got to.

Darling, no one's gonna tell
me that I've got to listen.

(LAUGHS)

I want you to understand,
this is not my regular job.

In real life, I'm a rainmaker
with the umbrella concessions.

Hello, Buck and Vi.
Everything all right?

That's the stuff.

MAN 1: Hey, Jerry, hold it!
Camera! Action!

Stop Jerry from making a fool of himself!
Talk to him!

I'm tired of getting
blue in the face.

Joan, will you
have a little drink?

No, thank you.

JERRY: There you are.
There you are.

What's going on in here?

Darling, Claire's
going into the movies.

We've just been
shooting the first scene.

What a shame I missed it.

Perhaps you'll do
it again for me.

With pleasure, Mrs. Corbett,
I'd love to reenact the scene.

You ready?

Now, what I want from you
children is adult passion!

Okay, Director.

MAN 1: That's great.
Hold it. Camera! Action!

MAN 2: Good boy, Jerry.

Hey, cut. Cut! Do you
want the reel to burn?

That's good.

Marvelous.
Magnificent.

Personally, I think it
must be very difficult

to be married to such
an ardent young man.

He thinks I'm swell.

I do, darling. Isn't that
what I always tell you?

Jerry, you should be
more expressive than that.

He'll have every chance to be
more expressive from now on!

Joan.

Go back in the kitchen. You're
being rude to your guests,

one in particular.

I'd had an awful
lot to drink, Joan.

I'll never bring her here again.

You can bring her
here all you want.

Besides, we did
have an agreement

not to be jealous of each other.

My grandmother would have thought
that a very silly agreement,

and I've discovered
she would have been right.

Besides, I can't be jealous of
someone I've never really had.

I mean you.

Now, that isn't true.

It is true. Except for a short
while after we were married.

You started drinking
because of Claire Hempstead.

Well, that's true enough.

And you started drinking again
when you met her again.

I stayed with you because I
thought you had loved me

and would again.

Now I know you never did

because you married me
with her image in your mind.

In all the time
we've been together,

you've never once said,
"I love you."

You'll never know how much I've
wanted to hear you say that.

Yes, and there's something else I've
been trying to tell you all evening,

and now you'll never know.

Joan, you're crazy.

You know that I think you're...

if you say that word to me once
more, I think I'll kill you!

Where you going?

I'm going to my father,
who's always loved me.

I'm going with you.

The one thing you can do for me

is to stay just where you are.

Joan.

Joan!

I'm going.

Good night, old man.
Good night.

Good night, Jerry.
Good night.

She's gone.

That's the best
thing she ever...

MAN 1: Be up to your place later?
MAN 2: You coming or not?

I'll be up later.
Okay.

Good night.
Good night.

Good night.

Don't you feel the need
of a little drink?

I'm sorry I got you
into this, Claire.

Sorrier that you
ever got me into it.

You do need
a drink. Here.

You've fed me enough liquor.

What's happened to you?

Something you
wouldn't understand.

Just a few words
that Joan said to me,

enough to make me
understand why I drink,

and you can't realize how knowing
that gives me a weapon against it.

The only thing worse than a
drunkard is a reformed drunkard.

Be yourself, Jerry.

I am myself for the first time.

That's why you
don't recognize me.

That's why you don't understand

that I don't want
ever to see you again.

Ever, as long as
you live, do you hear?

Yes, I hear.

In fact, my organs of
hearing are very good.

In other words,
don't shout at me.

Well, I feel like shouting.

I want you to know just
where I stand with myself.

I'm not interested.

And I want you to know just
where you stand with me.

You don't mean a thing to me,

and the funny thing is, I never
knew it until a few moments ago.

You should have been
grateful to find it out.

I am grateful.

Yes, I'm grateful
this whole thing's happened

because if I had
never met you again,

I might have gone through life

clinging to an image in my mind,

a phantom that I'd been
drinking to for years,

when all the time I had a
wonderful reality in my arms.

You really should save those
speeches for your plays.

Good night.
Yes, see you later.

Good night.

What this country
needs is fewer blondes.

Is that so?

We got them all out, Jerry,
and we're going now.

I'm the one that's going.

Where to?

I'm gonna find someone
and say three words to her

I should have been
saying all along.

That's what this country needs,

more men who know
when they've been wrong.

Three little words that I should
have been saying to her all along.

Bittersweet 8100.

Corbett's not the man
he used to be, is he?

Well, why should he be?

He had a hit,
went on the razzle-dazzle,

and now he's just back where he
started, broke and minus a wife.

Hello?

I'd like to speak to
Mrs. Corbett, please.

This is
Mr. Hotchkiss calling.

It's for Miss Joan again, sir.

He says
it's Mr. Hotchkiss.

Tell him...
No, I'll tell him myself.

It's time you learned Joan won't talk
to you no matter what name you give.

(sums)

I want the flowers
sent there again.

But I can't keep on sending them
there and getting them back,

sending them there
and getting them back.

I'll address another envelope.

This is Mr. Simpson calling.

Hello. Hello?

Didn't read my column
this morning, did you?

I never read
your column, Damery.

Still, here's an item
that might interest you.

Miss, is that
Mrs. Corbett's room?

No, but you can ask the floor
nurse at the end of the corridor.

Could I see him?

Certainly.

JERRY: (CHUCKLING)
Cute, isn't he?

Miss, could you tell me where Mrs.
Corbett's room is?

The third door to the left.

Third. Thank you.

I'm too happy to
glare back, Prentice.

How is she?

Haven't you done enough to her?

You're not going to see her.

Yes, I am. I've a right to see her now.
I'm the father of her child.

You're no father.

Your baby is dead.

You're lying.

It's no lie.

Your baby died...
You're lying.

two hours after it was born,

and whether Joan will live or...

If she doesn't,

you will have killed her.

Don't you suppose I know that?

I don't care whether
you know it or not.

I only know that if she dies,

well, I'll kill you.

If she dies,

you won't have to.

You're not going in there.

Yes, I am.
Joan needs me now.

You're not going in there.

She stuck to me when I needed
her, and she needs me now.

You're not going in.

Get out of the way, Prentice.

I swear if you don't get out of
the way, I'll knock you down.

Let me tell her you're here.

Feeling better, dear?

Dad, I want Jerry.

I must have Jerry.
Please send for him.

She doesn't want to see you.

Dad, please send for Jerry.

I'm here, Joanie.

Jerry.

I love you so, Joanie.

I love you so much, so much.

Jerry!

My baby. My baby.