Men in Black (1997) - full transcript

Goddamn bugs.

Oh, shit.

Oh, crap.

Well, Nick the Dick.
What a surprise.

Where you coming from, Nick?

- Fishing in Cuernavaca.
- Sure you were.

What do you say
we take a look at your catch, huh?

Come on.

Me, I would've thrown them back.

So, Nick, what do you get?

A hundred bucks a head here?
Two hundred?



Hope you saved it all for your lawyer
because you are gonna need it.

- We'll take it from here.
- Who the hell are you?

INS, Division 6.

Division 6?
I never heard of Division 6.

Really?

- Who you got your money on, Dee?
- Tough call, Kay.

- We've got a winner here, Dee.
- Oh, I know.

- Sir. Sir, you can't just--
- Don't "sir" me, young man.

You have no idea
who you're dealing with.

We're gonna have a chat
with our friend.

You fellas can hit the road.

Keep on protecting us
from the dangerous aliens.

You ever hear of Division 6?

There is no Division 6.
This is bullshit.



Hell, yeah.

Looks like you fell off the bus
in the wrong part of town, amigo.

In fact, I'm gonna bet dollars to pesos
you're not from anywhere near here.

Mikey?

Mikey, when did they let you
out of jail?

Political refugee, right.

You know how many treaties
you just violated?

- One?
- Try seven.

That's enough, Mikey.
You hand me that head.

Put up your arms
and all your flippers.

Shit.

Dee, shoot him.

Dee!

-"That."
- That...

Was not human. I know.

Looks like you got some entrails
on you there, pal.

- What the hell?
- The situation's under control.

Calm down, please.
Give me your attention for a moment.

I'll be glad
to tell you what happened.

This is called a neuralyzer.
It's a gift from friends from out of town.

This red eye here will isolate
the electronic impulses in your brains.

Specifically, the ones for memory.
That's good, fellas.

Give me a splay burn
around the perimeter...

...with holes at 40, 60 and 80 meters
from right here.

Thank you.

- That's good. Thank you.
- What in the hell is going on?

Excellent question.

And the answer you're looking for
lies right here.

- Who are you, really?
- Really?

I am just a figment
of your imagination.

Damn, what a gullible breed.

I'm serious, fellas.

You're lucky to be alive
after a blast like that.

- What blast?
- The underground gas main, genius.

You need to exercise more caution...

...before discharging your firearms,
I'll tell you that now. Especially you.

Have yourself checked out
with EMS...

...on the other side of the hill
before you leave.

I'm sorry about back there.

- It happens.
- Didn't used to.

The spirit's willing, Kay...

...but the rest of me...

- They're beautiful, aren't they?
- What?

The stars.

- We never just look anymore.
- No.

I'll tell you, Kay...

...I will miss the chase.

No, Dee, you won't.

Freeze! N.Y.P.D. Freeze!

All yours, Edwards.

"Freeze" means stop.

What the hell?

All right.

Come on.

It just be raining black people
in New York.

Do you see this?

"N-Y-P-D."

Means I will
knock your punk ass down.

He's coming. He's coming.

Yeah, and when he gets here,
I'll arrest his ass too.

Oh, you're trying
to catch a beat-down, huh?

What's up?

He's coming.

He's coming because I failed,
and now he'll kill me too.

Yeah? Well, you're just
pissing everybody off today, huh?

You don't understand.
Your world's gonna end.

What the hell are you?

Hey, watch that ledge.
Watch the ledge.

Wait. Look, look, come on down.

We'll get those eyes fixed.
Don't even worry about it.

Look, all right, wait a minute.
Let me talk to you.

I go out,
I work my butt off to make a living.

All I want is to come home
to a clean house...

...with a fat steak on the table,
but instead I get this.

It looks like poison.

Don't you take that away.
I'm eating that, damn it.

It is poison, isn't it?

I swear to God,
I would not be surprised if it was...

...the way you skulk around
like a dog who been hit too much...

...or ain't been hit enough,
I can't make up my mind.

You're useless, Beatrice.

The only thing that pulls its weight
around here is my goddamn truck.

Figures.

What the heck is it, Εdgar?

Get your big butt back in the house.

Place projectile weapon
on the ground.

You can have my gun...

...when you pry it
from my cold, dead fingers.

Your proposal is acceptable.

- Edgar, what on Earth was that?
- Sugar.

I've never seen sugar do that.

Give me sugar.

In water.

More.

More.

Edgar, your skin
is hanging off your bones.

Oh, yeah.

There. Is that better?

"The perpetrator
then blinked two sets of eyelids."

You mean blinked with both eyes?

No, sir, he blinked one set, then
he blinked a completely different set.

You know, like high beams
and low beams.

Was that before
or after he drew the weapon...

...that you claim evaporated
into a million pieces?

After, sir.

And why is it
that none of the other officers...

...saw either of these events?

Some of the other officers
are soggy around the midsection.

I guess they weren't able to keep up.

Edwards,
if you were half the man I am--

What are you talking about?
I am half the man you are.

What is your problem?

My problem
is you being up in my face.

- I think he threw him off the roof.
- Maybe you next.

I wanna talk to you.

Ten minutes,
you take your best shot, tough guy.

Take 10 minutes on a StairMaster,
you pudgy bastard.

I believe you.

Laurel Weaver,
deputy medical examiner.

Find me at the morgue on 26th.
I'll show you.

Wait a minute. Hey, wait a minute.

Excuse me, you're Dr. Weaver
with the coroner's office...

...working on the John Doe, right?

- Yes, that's right.
- Will you look at this, please?

Some night, huh?

- Yeah, some night.
- They were gills, not eyelids.

Gills. He was out of breath.

- Who are you?
- Did he say anything to you?

Yeah, he said
the world was coming to an end.

Did he say when?

Would you recognize that weapon
of his if you saw it again?

Absolutely.

Come on, let's take a ride.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Look, I got tons of paperwork and--

- Right, it's all done.
- Good work, Εdwards.

You really ran this dude down on foot?
That's tough, kid.

That's double tough.

So who exactly are you with?
FBI? NSA?

I'm part of a bureau that licenses,
monitors...

...and polices alien activity
on the planet Earth.

- Yeah, whatever.
- We're here.

- This is where we're going?
- Yeah.

This is Jack Jeebs' spot.
He buys from chain-snatchers.

- He doesn't even sell guns.
- Really?

All right, look, I'm gonna slide in here
and put my thing down...

...but when I come out,
I want some real answers.

Okay, go put your thing down.

Officer Eduardo.
Hey, how did these get here?

I thought I turned these in
to the authorities.

The way I hear it...

...you into something hotter
than stolen Rolexes.

I'm a crack dealer now,
but I still work here. I love the hours.

I'm talking about guns, smart-ass.
Weird ones.

Come on, Edwards.
What you see is what I got.

Why don't you show him the imports,
Jeebs?

- Hey, Kay. How are you?
- Show him the imports right now.

I got out of that business
a long time ago.

- Why do you lie to me? I hate it.
- Now, just hold on a second.

I'm gonna count to three.

- He'll do it, Jeebs.
- One.

- That man does not look stable.
- Two.

You know what? Talk to me.
He's crazy when he's like this.

He's always crazy. Get a massage.
Take a cruise--

- Three.
- Drop the weapon.

- Hands on your head.
- I warned him.

- Drop the weapon.
- You warned him.

- Don't make me kill you.
- You insensitive prick.

Do you have any idea
how much that stings?

Show us the merchandise
or you're gonna lose another head.

Mr. Εdwards.

Right there, the one in the middle.

You sold a reverberating carbonizer
with mutate capacity...

...to an unlicensed cephalopoid,
Jeebs, you piece of--

- He looked all right to me.
- Must have been for an assassination.

- Who's the target?
- I don't know.

- Goddamn it, Jeebs.
- I don't know.

That's confiscated, and I want you
on the next transport off this rock...

...or I'm gonna shoot you
where it don't grow back.

Yeah, and...

And I'm gonna be back
to talk about them Rolexes.

Searching for a handle
on the moment?

I can't help you.

The only comfort I can offer
is my promise...

...that tomorrow morning
you won't remember a thing.

Yeah, well, that's not exactly
some shit you just forget.

You ever seen one of these?

She looks over at her husband,
then she sets it back down in her lap...

...and she says:

"Honey,
this one's eating my popcorn."

Did you get it?
This one's eating my...

I gotta go.
Thanks for the egg rolls, kid.

- Hey, wait a minute. Who are you?
- You see what I mean about tequila?

You're a very bright young man,
but you need to lay off the sauce.

Now, I'll see you bright and early,
9:00.

Be there or be square.

Well, well, well.

Moving right in, are we?
Think we own the place?

I got a little eviction notice
for you boys.

Just what exactly
do you think you're doing here?

- I'm taking care of your pest problem.
- Pest problem?

- Pest?
- Yeah, you got a hell of an infestation.

You know,
I've noticed an infestation here.

Everywhere I look, in fact,
nothing but undeveloped, unevolved...

...barely conscious pond scum...

...totally convinced
of their own superiority...

...as they scurry about their short,
pointless lives.

Well, yeah.

- Don't you wanna get rid of them?
- In the worst way.

- Help you?
- Yeah, this dude gave me this card--

Elevator.

You're late. Sit down.

My name is Zed.

You're all here
because you're the best of the best.

Marines, Air Force, Navy SEALs,
Army Rangers, N.Y.P.D.

And we're looking for one of you,
just one.

What will follow
is a series of simple tests...

...for motor skills,
concentration, stamina.

I see we have a question.

Yeah, I'm sorry,
maybe you already answered this...

...but why exactly are we here?

- Son?
- Second Lieutenant Jake Jensen.

West Point graduate with honors.

We're here because you're looking
for the best of the best of the best, sir.

- What's so funny, Edwards?
- Your boy Captain America over here.

"The best of the best
of the best, sir."

You know, "With honors."

You know, he's just really excited,
and he has no clue why we're here.

That's just-- Τhat's very funny to me.

Y'all ain't laughing, though.

Okay, let's get going.

Wanna get down on this?

- Edwards, what the hell happened?
- Hesitated.

May I ask why you felt
little Tiffany deserved to die?

Well, she was the only one
that seemed dangerous at the time.

How'd you come to that conclusion?

I was gonna pop this guy
hanging from the light.

I realized he's just working out.

How would I feel
if somebody bust me and my ass...

...while I'm on the treadmill?

Then I saw this snarling beast guy.

I noticed he had a tissue in his hand,
and I realized he's not snarling...

...he's sneezing.

You know, ain't no real threat there.
Then I saw Tiffany.

I'm thinking, 8-year-old white girl,
middle of the ghetto...

...bunch of monsters,
with quantum-physics books?

She about to start some shit.
She's 8 years old.

Those books
are way too advanced for her.

If you ask me,
I say she's up to something.

And to be honest, I'd appreciate it
if you eased up off my back about it.

Or do I owe her an apology?

That was a good shot, though, right?

- He's got a real problem with authority.
- So do I.

But this kid ran down a cephalopoid
on foot, boss.

That's gotta be tough enough.

Let's hope
you know what you're doing.

Gentlemen, congratulations.

You're everything we've come to expect
from years of government training.

And now, if you'll just follow me,
we have one more test to administer:

an eye exam.

Where are you going?

Yo. Hey, man,
what the hell is all this?

Back in the 1950s, the government
started an underfunded agency...

...with the purpose of establishing
contact with a race not of this planet.

If you'll look at the end of this device,
we'll administer the eye test.

Everybody thought the agency
was a joke except the aliens...

...who made contact March 2, 1961,
outside New York.

There were nine of us the first night:
seven agents, one astronomer...

...and one dumb kid
who got lost on the wrong back road.

You brought that tall man
some flowers.

This way.

They were a group
of intergalactic refugees.

Wanted to use the Earth
as an apolitical zone...

...for creatures without a planet.

You ever see the movie Casablanca?
It's the same thing, except no Nazis.

We agreed...

...and we concealed all the evidence
of their landing.

So these are real flying saucers...

...and the World's Fair
was just a cover-up?

Why else would we hold it
in Queens?

More nonhumans arrive every year,
and they live among us in secret.

Look, I'm sorry, not to change
the subject or anything...

...but when was the last time
you had a CAT scan?

Six months ago. It's company policy.

Right, you should
make another appointment.

Look, tell your boy Zed
I had an absolutely wonderful time...

...and thank you for everything,
but why don't you show me the door?

All right. I'm gonna get some coffee.
You want some coffee?

No, thank you, I'm fine.

How you doing, fellas?

- Hi, Kay.
- Hi, Κay.

- That's not decaf, is it?
- Viennese cinnamon.

Don't tell me we only got
powdered stuff for cream.

I hate that stuff.

Oh, that's good. Good, good.

You guys getting along all right?

- Well, don't work too hard.
- Okay. Bye.

Sure you don't want some coffee?

All right, kid, here's the deal.

At any given time...

...there are around 1500 aliens
on the planet...

...most of them right here
in Manhattan.

And most of them are decent enough.
They're just trying to make a living.

- Cabdrivers.
- No, not as many as you'd think.

Humans, for the most part,
don't have a clue.

Don't want or need one.
They're happy.

They think they have a good bead
on things.

But why the big secret?

- People are smart. They can handle it.
- A person is smart.

People are dumb, panicky,
dangerous animals, and you know it.

Fifteen hundred years ago...

...everybody knew the Earth
was the center of the universe.

Five hundred years ago,
everybody knew the Earth was flat.

And 15 minutes ago...

...you knew that people were alone
on this planet.

Imagine what you'll know tomorrow.

- What's the catch?
- The catch?

The catch is,
you will sever every human contact.

Nobody will ever know
you exist anywhere.

Ever.

I'll give you to sunrise
to think it over.

Hey. Is it worth it?

Oh, yeah, it's worth it.

If you're strong enough.

What's up, pops?

All right, I'm in because, look...

...there's some next-level shit
going on, and I'm with that.

But before y'all get to beaming me up,
there's a couple things to understand.

First off, you chose me,
so you recognize the skills.

I don't want nobody calling me "son"
or "kid" or "sport" or nothing like that.

- Cool?
- Whatever you say, slick.

But I need to tell you something
about all your skills.

As of right now...

...they mean precisely dick.

- Purpose of trip?
- Diplomatic mission.

- Duration of stay?
- Lunch.

Any fruits or vegetables?

Please meet your party
outside the containment area.

You wanna stay away from that guy.
Ηe's...

He's grouchy.

Three-hour delay in customs
after a trip of 17 trillion miles...

...is gonna make anybody cranky,
you know?

What branch of the government
do we report to?

- None. They ask too many questions.
- Who pays for this?

We hold patents
on a few gadgets we confiscated...

...from out-of-state visitors:
Velcro, microwave ovens, liposuction.

That's a fascinating little gadget.
It's gonna replace CDs soon.

I guess I'll have to buy
The White Album again.

That's a lot of fun.
A universal translator.

We're not supposed to have it.
I'll tell you why.

Human thought is so primitive,
it's looked upon as a disease...

...in some of the better galaxies.

That kind of makes you proud,
doesn't it?

Hey, what's this thing?

Okay, just keep calm.
Just be-- Relax.

Okay-- Watch your head.

Somebody get him some ice.

Look out. Move--
Just move when it's coming at you.

Damn. I will pay for that.

This thing caused
the 1977 New York blackout.

Practical joke by the Great Attractor.
He thought it was funny as hell.

Sorry, y'all. It was a accident. Sorry.

Observation,
the heart of our little endeavor.

Meet the twins, Blblup and Bob.

This map shows the location
of every registered alien on Earth...

...some of them
under constant surveillance.

Εveryone on those screens is an alien.

In public they're as normal as you are,
but in private, well...

You'll get the idea.

- Oh, man.
- Doesn't make any sense, does it?

Well, no, it makes perfect sense.

In third grade,
everybody told me I was crazy...

...but I knew our teacher had to be
from Venus or something like that.

Mrs. Edelson. It was Jupiter, actually.
Well, one of the moons.

--revolve.
Class, be quiet and pay attention.

If I have to tell you one more time...

Edwards. Let's put it on.

- Put what on?
- The last suit you'll ever wear.

You will dress only in attire
specially sanctioned...

...by MiB Special Services.

You'll conform
to the identity we give you...

...eat where we tell you,
live where we tell you.

From now on...

...you'll have no identifying marks
of any kind.

You will not stand out in any way.

Your entire image is crafted to leave
no lasting memory with anyone.

You are a rumor,
recognizable only as déjà vu...

...and dismissed just as quickly.

You don't exist.
You were never even born.

Anonymity is your name,
silence, your native tongue.

You are no longer part
of the system.

You are above the system,
over it, beyond it.

We're "them." We're "they."

We are the Men in Black.

You know what the difference is
between you and me?

I make this look good.

We're gonna go for a little ride.

I'll put you down here for just a minute.
Then Daddy will be right back.

Okay, now we're ready to go
for a little ride.

We're gonna meet one of Daddy's
friends, and you're gonna like him.

Okay, let's see.

Bee, we've got
the deposed Sir Prefect of Singalee...

...touching down on the forest
οutside Portland tonight.

- Ηumanoid?
- You wish. Βring a sponge.

Here. Red letter from last night.

We had an unauthorized landing
somewhere in upstate New York.

Kay, keep your ears open
on this one.

We're not hosting
an intergalactic kegger down here.

Well, well, well, we got a skimmer.

- Landed alien out of zone. Who is it?
- Redgick.

He's not cleared to leave Manhattan,
but he's way out of town now...

...stuck on the New Jersey Turnpike.

Why don't you take junior here
with you?

This is a good one
for him to warm up on.

Go get him, tiger.

"We're not hosting
an intergalactic kegger."

Zed. Ηe just...

Unlimited technology
from the whole universe...

...and we cruise around
in a Ford POS.

Fasten your seat belt.

See, now,
we got to work on your people skills.

You know, you'd get a better reaction
if you were more polite.

Fasten your seat belt, please.

Whoa, that was good.
Did you hurt yourself?

Oh, the red button there, kid.
Don't ever, ever touch the red button.

All right, bub, that'll be $72, then.

Okay, sweetie,
let me pay the impolite driver.

Six is up.

- Where is Ivan?
- Gave him a break.

You can kill us both,
but you will not find the Galaxy.

You're right about one thing.

You're not going anywhere, pal.

What's going on?

Hey, hey, hey, easy.

I'd like to see your license
and registration, please.

Like to see your other license
and registration, please.

All right, your resident-alien card
has you restricted to Manhattan.

- Where are you going, Redgie?
- Well, it's my wife. She's...

Well, look.

All right. Okay, no big deal.

Okay, you come with me, Redge.

- And you handle this.
- What? Me?

- It's easy. You just catch.
- He knows what he's doing?

He does it all the time.
Let the man work.

Okay. Yeah.

Kay. Damn, man. Κay?

- Something's peeking.
- 54th and Madison.

You're headed out of town.
What's going on?

- Well, we're meeting someone.
- Who you meeting?

- Well, it's a ship.
- A ship?

I didn't see a departure clearance.

- You didn't?
- No.

- Well, it's... Well, it's an emergency.
- Kay! Kay!

You're doing fine, ace.
What kind of emergency?

What's the rush to get off the planet
all of a sudden?

We just don't like
the neighborhood anymore.

- Some of the new arrivals.
- What new arrivals?

Does it have anything to do
with the crasher from last night?

Εxcuse me, miss.

Oh, man. Oh, man.

Kay, look. Oh, man.

Congratulations, Redge, it's a...

...squid.

Kay, man.

You know, it's actually kind of--

--cute.

Anything about that
seem unusual to you?

What would scare Redgick
so badly...

...that he'd risk a warp jump
with a newborn?

We'll check the hot sheets.

These are the hot sheets?

Best investigative reporting
on the planet.

Go ahead, read The New York Times.
They get lucky sometimes. Thanks.

Cannot believe you're looking for tips
in the supermarket tabloids.

Not "looking for."

Found.

- Wait a minute, slow down.
- Why?

Give her time to get the wrong
impression. Makes things smoother.

Can I help you gentlemen?

Yes, ma'am,
I'm Special Agent Manheim.

This is Special Agent Black, FBI.
We'd like to talk about your visitor.

You're here to make fun of me too?

We at the FBI do not have
a sense of humor we're aware of.

May we come in?

- Sure.
- Thank you.

- Lemonade?
- Oh, yes, please.

The chief of police came to the house
and did a professional investigation.

Took a police report
and writ down everything I said...

...from A to Z,
not believing one thing I said.

Sort of poking fun at me.
And they asked me:

"If he was murdered, how was he able
to walk back in the house?"

I gotta admit to you,
that one got me sort of stumped.

But I'll tell you something right now.
I know Edgar, and that wasn't Edgar.

It was like something
was wearing Edgar like a...

Like a suit...

...an Edgar suit.

Dude was that ugly
before he was an alien.

- I'm sorry.
- Go on.

Anyway, I come to and he's gone.

- Did he say anything?
- Yes. He asked me for some water.

- Some sugar water.
- Sugar water?

Yeah, I remember that right,
because I thought that that was odd...

...that he asked me for sugar water
and not lemonade or ice water...

...or regular water or tap water.

All right, Beatrice.
There was no alien.

The flash of light you saw in the sky
was not a UFO.

Gas from a weather balloon
was trapped in a thermal pocket...

...and refracted the light from Venus.

Wait-- Wait a minute.

You flash that, it erases her memory,
and you just make up a new one?

A standard-issue neuralyzer.

And that weak-ass story
is the best you can come up with?

All right.

On a more personal note, Beatrice,
Edgar ran off with an old girlfriend.

You're gonna go stay
with your mom...

...get over it,
and decide you're better off.

Well, yeah, you know, because
he never appreciated you anyway.

In fact, you know what?
You kicked him out.

And now that he's gone,
you're gonna go into town...

...find yourself some nice dresses,
get yourself some shoes.

You know, find somewhere
that maybe you could get a facial.

And, oh, hire a decorator
to come in here quick...

...because, damn.

Yo, Κay, check it out, man.

When do I get my own flashy little
memory-messer-upper thingy?

- When you grow up.
- Okay.

Please, not green.

Oh, damn.

I don't suppose you know
what alien life form...

...leaves a green spectral trail
and craves sugar water, do you?

Oh, wait,
that was on Jeopardy! last night.

- Damn, Alex said it was...
- Zed, we have a bug.

So, what? We don't like bugs?

Bugs thrive on carnage, tiger.

They consume, infest, destroy...

...live off the death
and destruction of other species.

You were stung as a child,
weren't you?

Listen, kid, imagine a giant cockroach
with unlimited strength...

...a massive inferiority complex,
and a real short temper...

...is terrorizing Manhattan Island
in a brand-new Edgar suit.

Does that sound like fun?

What's the move?

With the bug in town,
we'll watch the morgues.

Where do you want
contestant Number 3?

Just leave it there.

- What's with the cat?
- Oh, the cat.

Well, there's a problem with the cat.
Sign here.

- What's the problem with the cat?
- It's your problem.

I hate the living.

Shall we?

Oh, my God.

Buddy, what are you?

Subject was approximately
112 degrees at time of autopsy...

...indicating an increase
in body temperature.

Examiner tried to verify this
rectally...

...only to find the subject
was without a rectum...

...which is, needless to say, really--

Weird.

I'm Dr. Leo Manville,
Department of Public Health.

This is Dr. White.

You boys must not have much
of a home life.

We watch the morgues carefully.

Do you have something unusual
around here?

I'd say so. Τriple homicide.

The first body I opened was normal,
except he was broken in half.

But when I opened up
the other two, well...

Let me show you.

There's a skeletal structure at work
unlike anything I've ever seen.

I'll have a look at this one.

You and Dr. Weaver
check out the other body, please.

This way, doctor.
This one's even stranger.

I did a full laparotomy.

I started with the stomach,
but we could start...

...with the gastroesophageal junction,
whichever you prefer.

- Let's start wherever you started at.
- Okeydokey.

- Is this your cat?
- Guess it is now.

It came in with the body.
Okay, dive right in.

I'm sure he won't mind.

You have really pretty eyes.

Thank you.

Okay, you feel that?
Where the pyloric junction would be?

Push it aside.

Notice anything strange?
Stomach, liver, lungs...

- Nope, all fine.
- Doctor, they're all missing.

Of course.

Oh, you know, that's obviously
the first thing I noticed.

Well, what I was pointing out...

...is the fact that there are no pieces
of them left.

Yeah, you know, so they're intact...

...wherever they are,
whole somewhere.

- That we can be sure of.
- Have we met before?

I'm having the strangest feeling
of déjà vu.

- Yeah, me too.
- Really?

Wanna know what I really think?
But don't tell that guy.

Looks like he's under enough stress.
I don't think this body's really a body.

I think it's some kind of transport unit
for something else altogether.

The question is, what?

Is this freaking you out?

No. No, girl.

You know what I like to do
sometimes when it's really late?

Nο.

Dr. White.

Εxcuse me.

- What do you think?
- Very interesting.

She got a real queen-of-the-undead
thing going on--

Of the body.

- Great body.
- The dead body.

- You have to go look at that thing.
- Dr. White?

You recognize him?

Yeah, he looks like the big guy I saw
at headquarters, only deader.

What do you think killed him?

- A bug?
- Dr. White.

You're up, slugger.

Look at this.

What the hell is that?

Must...

To prevent...

...cοntest.

Okay, what are you trying to say?

- To prevent...
- To prevent struggle?

- No. To prevent--
- War?

--war...

...Τhe Galaxy...

...is on Orion's...

...be--

- What is word?
- The bed?

Belt? Orion's belt?

"To prevent war,
the Galaxy is on Orion's belt."

What the hell does that mean?

Doctor... Whatever, come here.

Dr. Whatever?

Hey, you guys aren't really from
the Department of Health, are you?

Rosenberg. Damn.

The Arquillians are not gonna like this.
This guy was one of the royal family.

I knew it. This is an alien.

You're from some government agency
trying to keep it under wraps.

He said, "To prevent war,
the Galaxy is on Orion's belt."

This makes sense.
How else do you explain New York?

The other day, I was in this cab,
and this guy was--

"Galaxy on Orion's belt"
doesn't make any sense.

That's what the little dude inside
the big dude's head said, right?

Right after-- Damn, man.
You did the flashy thing already.

Hey, whoever you are...

...you have to show me ID
if you're in the morgue.

Of course, young lady.
Look at this for me, please.

- Would you stop that?
- What?

That thing is gonna give her
brain cancer.

Never hurt her before.
We gotta get all the doors closed off.

Special Serices will be here
any minute.

How many times have you
flashy-thinged that woman?

Couple.

So you not worried
about long-term damage?

A little.

- Kay, have you flashy-thinged me?
- No.

I ain't playing with you, Kay.
Have you ever flashy-thinged me?

Look, Kay, I think I should be
in charge of the flashy thing.

Not while I'm around, ace.

You ain't gonna be happy
till you fricassee somebody's brain.

We got two dead aliens.

A deputy medical examiner
needs a new memory.

Yes, sir.

Make it a happy memory.

Where is it?

Will the owner
of a blue warp-speed cruiser...

...please report to the front desk?

Hey, Zed.

Doesn't anybody ever get
any sleep around here?

The twins keep us on Centaurian
time. It's a 37-hour day.

Give it a few months.
You'll get used to it.

Or you'll have a psychotic episode.
Ηere's Orion.

It's a grouping of the brightest stars
in the northern sky.

- And here's Orion's belt.
- That's what the little guy said:

"To prevent war,
the Galaxy is on Orion's belt."

Junior, there are no galaxies
on Orion's belt.

The belt is just these three stars.
Galaxies are huge.

They're made up of billions of stars.
You heard wrong.

Look, whatever, man.
I know what I heard.

Pretty lady.

Okay, the grumpy guy's story...

...is starting to come into focus
a little bit here.

So you were the guy in that picture
with the flowers.

Yeah.

And I take it
she never got those flowers.

So, what, she ever get married
or anything?

Nο.

You know what they say:

It's better to have loved and lost
than never to have loved at all.

Try it.

Kay.

- Take a look at this.
- My God, they're all leaving.

We've had 12 jump in the last hour.
Redgick was just the first.

What the hell do they know
that we don't?

Why does a rat desert a ship?

Give me Lem Sat 4, please,
with a proton induction thermoscan.

Thank you. Okay, Lem Sat 18.

All right, 4000.

That's an Arquillian battle cruiser.

And we've got
a dead Αrquillian prince.

Speak of the devil.

- They sound pissed.
- Boys, translate that. Step on it.

Get down
to Rosenberg's jewelry store...

...and see what you can turn up.

Kay.

Give the kid a weapon.

- Series 4 De-atomizer.
- Now, that's what I'm talking about.

Noisy Cricket.

Hey, Kay, no, no. Come on, man.

You get a Series 4 De-atomizer,
I get a little midget Cricket?

Feel like I'm gonna
break this damn thing.

Hey, this is my truck.

Yeah, make sure you tell them that
down at the impound.

Please.

Who breaks into a jewelry store
and leaves all the jewels?

Somebody not looking for jewelry.

This guy had a serious crush
on his cat.

Kay, get down.

Man.

That's him.
That's the bug in the Edgar suit.

We do not discharge our weapons
in view of the public.

We ain't got time
for this cover-up bullshit.

There's a alien battle cruiser
about to--

There's always an alien battle
cruiser or a death ray...

...or an intergalactic plague
about to wipe out life on this planet.

The only way these people
get on with their happy lives...

...is they do not know about it.

And don't worry about the bug.

He's not leaving town.
We got his ship.

Excuse me.
Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen.

Zed, we need a containment crew
on Macdougal Street...

...south of Houston.

Containment may be a moot point,
old friend.

The exodus continues.

It's like the party's over...

...and the last one to leave
gets stuck with the check.

You sorry little ingrates.

What about the Arquillians?

We've only translated
part of the message so far:

"Deliver the Galaxy."

- They don't want much, do they?
- Oh, it gets better.

They're holding us responsible.

- Where do you keep your dead?
- I don't have any dead.

- Where?
- I don't know.

The city morgue?

That's three for a dollar, sir.

It was some light, some light
that refracted off of Venus...

...into some swamp gas,
and that's what made the...

- All right, kid.
- Excuse me. What's up?

The Arquillians want the Galaxy,
whatever the hell that means.

We need help, a professional...

...somebody with years of experience
in intergalactic politics.

I just hope
the prick hasn't skipped town.

Can I have your attention, please?
Τhank you.

If you will gather over here...

That's right, move in closer.
That's good. Thanks.

If you'll look right here,
I'd appreciate it.

Thank you.

Now, that's the worst disguise ever.
That guy's definitely an alien.

You don't like it,
you can kiss my furry little butt.

- You busy, Frank?
- Sorry, can't talk now.

My flight's leaving in--

- Get your paws off me.
- Call the pound. We got a stray.

The dog owes my friend money.

Arquillians and bugs,
what do you know?

- I know nothing.
- Not a thing, huh? Okay.

Stop, stop, stop it. Okay, okay.

Rosenberg wasn't
some two-bit Αrquillian.

He was the guardian of the Galaxy.
They thought he'd be safe on Earth.

And the bug had other plans.

The Galaxy is the best source
for subatomic energy in the universe.

If the bugs get their slimy claws on it,
kiss the Arquillians goodbye.

Ask him about the belt.

Rosenberg said something
about Orion's belt.

- What's he talking about?
- Beats me.

No, no, no, not around.

They're rehearsing
a ventriloquist act.

The Galaxy is here.

- What do you mean, here?
- Galaxy's millions of stars and planets.

- How's it here?
- You humans.

When are you gonna learn
that size doesn't matter?

Just because something's important,
doesn't mean it's not very small.

- How small?
- Tiny. The size of a marble or a jewel.

Now if you'll excuse me,
I gotta be walked before my flight.

All right, get out of here.

If the Galaxy's here,
it's not on Orion's belt.

Kay.

Boy, when you want attention...

Orion. Τhat's a pretty name.

What's this?

Okay. Yes, good, thank you.

Thank you for making sure
that the bell works.

What's up, Farmer John?

A man came in here earlier.
A dead man.

And that means what to me?

It was a very dear friend of mine.

I believe he had an animal with him.

It was a gift I gave him, a pet cat.

It means worlds to me.
I'd like to have it back.

Okay, I'm gonna need a picture ID,
written proof of ownership of the cat...

...notarized proof of kinship
with the deceased.

Don't do that.

- Do what?
- Don't do it.

Oh, man.

Look, Kay, why don't you
let me handle this one?

All we gotta do is go in
and get a cat.

It's not really that hard,
but if you go in there...

...you're gonna start flashing
your brain ray all in her face.

She gonna wind up with leukemia.
The woman's a doctor.

She don't need you flashing
away her med-school classes.

- Five minutes.
- Two minutes.

- Where's the animal?
- I told you, I don't know.

Well, let's see if we can find it.

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

- How you doing?
- Hello.

I'm Sergeant Friday
from the 26th Precinct.

A cat came in with a corpse
the other day.

- "Orion" on the nametag?
- Yes, that's right.

Well, this cat is a...
A witness in a murder case.

I need to take him with me,
ask him questions.

- Well, I don't know where the cat is.
- Oh, you don't?

No, but maybe you could take me
with you instead.

Damn, you do start fast, don't you?

I'd really like to go with you. Now.

And exactly why is that?

There's something
I need to show you.

Slow down, girl,
you ain't gotta hit the gas like that.

No, you don't understand.
You really need to see this.

Oh, I will, I will.

One thing: I gotta drive.
You know, it's not some macho trip.

I'm saying,
that's just the way I get down.

Look, stud,
you're really not getting this.

There's something
I need you to help me with.

- Freeze it, bug.
- Christ, you are thick.

- Look, how was I supposed to know?
- Do I have to sing it?

If you weren't coming on
like some prom date--

That is so typical.

Any time a woman shows
slight sexual independence--

- How about we shut up?
- Let her go.

Listen, monkey boy,
compared to you humans...

...I'm on the top rung
of the evolutionary ladder.

- So can it.
- You're breaking my heart.

Show me your face,
and I'll cure all your ills.

You ever pull wings off a fly?
You care to see the fly get even?

How far are you gonna get
without your ship...

...that piece of trash
we got locked in the office?

- Put your weapons down.
- Never gonna happen, insect.

- It's okay, Laurel.
- How is it okay?

- I'm saying it's gonna be okay.
- Don't bet on it, meat sack.

Let me go.

God, what the--?

Come on.

- Take me here.
- No way.

Take me.

Hey. Come back!

He's in a cab.

Don't move, don't move.
don't move.

Hey, man, what?

He's not leaving the planet in a cab.
Let's go.

Come with me. Put up a bio-net
all the way around Manhattan.

If it's not human,
I don't want it to leave this island.

What do we hear from upstairs?

- "Deliver the Galaxy."
- Bug's got the Galaxy.

But we got his ship.
He's gotta be looking for a way out.

Warning: Plutonic fusion detection.

Warning: Plutonic fusion detection.

- What are they shooting at us for?
- Arquillian battle rules, kid.

We get an ultimatum,
then a warning shot...

...then a galactic standard week
to respond.

A galactic standard week?
How the hell long is that?

One hour.

One hour? Then what?

That's bullshit.

Look, kid,
to keep the bugs from getting it...

...the Αrquillians
will destroy that galaxy.

And whatever planet it's on.

- You're talking about us.
- Sucks, huh?

I'm pulling up the location
of every interstellar vehicle.

Already did it.
Frank took the last ship.

- Sneden's Landing and Throg's Neck.
- They're gone.

- We have Atlantic City.
- Gone.

- All right, Bayonne?
- Gone.

- All right, there's Three Mile Island.
- Gone.

- Yo.
- Staten Island.

Gone, thank God.

- Fellas.
- We're running out of time.

If that bug gets off the planet,
we're bug food.

Hey, old guys.

Do those still work?

- You're coming with me.
- What?

It's a long trip. I'll need a snack.

You're taking the tunnel?

- You know a better way to Queens?
- That thing's gonna be packed.

- You remember the little red button?
- Yeah.

Push the little red button.

And you might wanna
put on a seat belt.

Kay!

You know, you're much too tense.
You're young.

You need to relax.
Learn to take some joy in your work.

Do you like music?

That's better.

All right, now.

Kay. Kay!

You do know Εlvis is dead, right?

No, Elvis is not dead.
He just went home.

You don't wanna eat me.
I'm an important person on my planet.

Like a queen.

A goddess, even.
There are those who worship me.

I'm not telling you
to try to impress you.

I'm just letting you know
it could start a war.

Good, war.
That means more food for my family.

All 78 million of them.
That's a lot of mouths to feed.

You're a wonderful dad,
but I'm staying here.

Now, that's what I'm talking about.

Roaches check in.

They don't check out.

Warning: Eight minutes
to the destruction of Earth.

Eight minutes to destruction.

We'll use pulsar level five
with a subsonic implosion factor.

What?

Just shoot the damn thing
on the count of three. One, two, three.

You idiots.

You don't get it. I've won.

It's over.

You're milk-suckers.
You don't matter.

In fact, in a few seconds,
you won't even be matter.

You're under arrest for violating
Section 4153 of the Tycho Treaty.

So hand over whatever galaxy
you might be carrying...

...step away from your busted vehicle,
and put your hands on your head.

I'll put my hands...

...on my head.

Like this?

That did not go at all
the way I planned.

Whatever happens,
don't let him on the second ship.

- What are you talking about?
- Keep him on this planet.

Kay-- Κay, where are you going?

I'm gonna get my gun back.

Hey. Hey, bug.
Wait a minute, I'm talking to you.

You know how many of your kind
I've swatted with a paper?

You're nothing but a smear
on the sports page...

...you slimy, gut-sucking
intestinal parasite.

Εat me. Eat me.

Kay. Kay!

Hey!

What's up?

You're just gonna eat and run, huh?
What about dessert?

That's it?

Where are you going?
This party's just getting started.

Where you going?

Where you going?

Let me tell you something.

There's only one way off of this planet,
baby, and that's through me.

Hey.

Where you going?

Why you running, huh?
I'm still standing.

Come on, bring it.
Come on, bring it.

I'm sorry. Was that your auntie?

Then that must mean that
that's your uncle, then, huh?

You know y'all look alike.

Well, well.

Big bad bug
got a bit of a soft spot, huh?

See, what I can't understand...

...is why you gotta come down here,
bringing all this ruckus...

...snatching up galaxies
and everything.

My attitude is, don't start nothing...

...won't be nothing.

You need to ease up out of my face
before something bad happen to you.

Too late.

Zed, call the Arquillians.
Tell them we have the Galaxy.

You got it, friend.

- Going to get your gun back, huh?
- I like this gun.

Yeah, well, while you was in there
playing around...

...I was down here
doing all the work.

You know, first I had to bean him
in the head with this big rock.

Then I was gonna hit him
with this 2-by-4.

He kicked me,
and, you know, it hurt.

But then I got to the fire, you know.
I was like...with the fire.

Not bad for your second day
of work, is it?

Well, this definitely rates about a 9.0
on my weird-shit-o-meter.

You should've been here
for the Zeronian migration in 1968.

I guess you weren't even alive
in '68.

Interesting job you guys have.

Kay, look, I know we got these rules
and everything...

...but I was thinking,
she did help us bust that bug.

Maybe we didn't
have to flashy-thing her.

Kay, come on. Who's she gonna tell?
She hang out with all dead people.

It's not for her. It's for me.

What?

They're beautiful, aren't they?

Stars.

I mean, I never look at them anymore,
but they actually are quite...

...beautiful.

Kay, yοu're frightening your partner.

I haven't been training a partner.
I've been training a replacement.

Wait a minute, Kay.
I cannot do this job by myself.

Hey, guys, my apartment
isn't anywhere near here.

It's not even on the same island.

Days...months...years.

Always face it forward.

I've been down the gullet
of an interstellar cockroach.

That's one of a hundred memories
that I don't want.

See you around, Jay.

No, you won't.

Hey, Jay.

Zed called. The high consulate
from Solaxium 9...

...wants seats
for the Knicks-Bulls game.

Let's put in a call to Dennis Rodman.
He's from that planet.

- Rodman? You're kidding.
- Nope.

Not much of a disguise.