Me Myself and I (1992) - full transcript

[♪♪♪♪♪]

♪ Me, myself and I♪

♪ You know we'd rather die♪

♪ And to hear it says
That you don't love me♪

♪ Me, myself and I♪

♪ Our hearts
We break and we cry♪

♪ There'll be more tears
Than all the stars above me♪

♪ I'm not romantic
My minds are all made up ♪

♪ And you could fill my cup
If you said you love me ♪

♪ One of me is frantic ♪

♪ The other two are too ♪



♪ I could swim the Atlantic ♪

♪ If only you'd said
I love you ♪

♪ Me, myself and I ♪

♪ We'll be one happy guy ♪

♪ And all it takes
Is thinking that you care ♪

♪ Me, myself and I ♪

♪ We'd never tell a lie ♪

♪ On that we all agree
And that we need you ♪

♪ I'm not superstitious, not I
But four's my lucky number ♪

♪ It's always been that number
I don't know why but it's true ♪

♪ Even now when I think of it ♪

♪ It's all so clear to me
That you don't mean it too ♪

♪ But you and me and me and me ♪

[CAR HORN BLARING]



You know they're all cocksuckers
at the state hospital.

You think I don't know,
but I do.

And I'm turnin' you in.

JAILBAIT:
Any more of your TV shows

gonna be on TV soon?

-BUDDY: You got cable?
-Yeah, uh, my mother
paid the bill.

Tonight at 10:00. TBS.

JAILBAIT: How are things going
with you and that nut

who lives next door to you?

BUDDY: Oh. I don't even
wanna talk about it.

That situation is terminal.

[SIREN WAILING]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Why don't you come down
to my place

and check the show out
on the big screen with me?

JAILBAIT: My mother would
throw a shit fit.

[CHUCKLES] Like she goes,
"He's only after your ass."

So I like go,
"Mother, shut up!"

Better I stay out of your place
at night.

But that's patently absurd.
After all, you're only what, 16?

Fourteen.

Shit.

Come on.

Come on.

Oh, you got any smokes
you could spare?

Yeah. Keep the pack.

Thanks.
I'll be watching your show.

Oh, hello, Mrs. Landesman.
Here, let me get that.

Hello, darling.
How's your mother?

Oh, you know.

Tell her,
Bertha Landesman says, "Hello."

JAILBAIT: Oh,
what's the name of your show?

BUDDY: Flying Tigers.

-JAILBAIT: Oh, I love tigers.
-BUDDY: No, airplanes.

You can close the peephole,
Mrs. Steingut.

We're done
with our conversation.

CRAZY DIANE: There is absolutely
no reason

that I should be subjected
to this.

And, furthermore,
I do not have to expose my body

to people who wish to maim,
scar or even kill me!

-Don't stop now, I'm listening.
-CRAZY DIANE: Nor will I
allow myself

to be dragged into situations
where twos, threes,

sixes and tens can dominate me!

Hey, who could blame you?

CRAZY DIANE: And you can try
to break into my mailbox

to spy on my personal affairs,
but that is a federal offense

and you know damn well it is!

And one of these days
you're gonna go to jail
for that!

If I don't have you arrested
for selling crack

to that minor
from upstairs first!

And don't think
that I don't know

about all the atrocities
that you committed in Vietnam!

I'll tape this
and play it for the cops.
I've had enough.

CRAZY DIANE: Nor do I intend
to be bullied
by fake intellectuals

whose educations were decidedly
inferior to mine.

Could I have a little more
for a level?

CRAZY DIANE: And, furthermore,
I do not expose my body

to fives, nines, tens,
or elevens

when they sneak up on me
while I'm going
to the garbage chute!

Thank you.

CRAZY DIANE: You play
"big screen television"

and "illegal tape recording"

and "contributing
to the delinquency of minors!"

I gave her my last cigarettes
is what I did.

[CLATTERING]

[♪♪♪♪♪]

[GUN COCKING]

Take that!

[GUNSHOT]

What the fuck?

[TAPE REWINDS]

-[TAPE CLICKS]
-CRAZY DIANE: And don't think
that I don't know

about all the atrocities
that you committed in Vietnam.

Nor do I intend to be bullied
by fake intellectuals
whose educations were...

I never sold out to the two,
sixes, nines, and elevens.

I have integrity!

Voices don't belong
to other people!

And don't think
that I don't know

that this is all part
of your hidden agenda

for driving me out of here
with your superior forces.

But you can't do that,
because I have forces, too!

[♪♪♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪♪♪]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER ON TV]

[♪♪♪♪♪]

[INAUDIBLE]

[♪♪♪♪♪]

[THUDDING]

[THUDDING]

-[STEREO TURNS OFF]
-[THUDDING]

[RADIO TURNS OFF]

[THUDS]

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[LAUGHS]

Take that!

[LAUGHS]

Very good, Mrs. Steingut.
Very inventive.

[♪♪♪♪♪]

BUDDY: Hello, Mr. Ecstrom,

this is Buddy Arnett
from upstairs.

Would you please hit the circuit
breakers in the basement?

MR. ECSTROM: What, again?
I told you you've got to watch

the equipment in that apartment
of yours.

It wasn't me, Mr. Ecstrom.

You know who it was.
It was that coconut next door!

MR. ECSTROM: Okay, okay,
I'll take care of it.

Right. Thanks a lot,
Mr. Ecstrom.

[THUMPING]

-[ULULATING OVER TV]
-[SCREAMS]

[PRINTER WHIRRING]

[♪♪♪♪♪]

CRAZY DIANE: Oh!

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[♪♪♪♪♪]

CRAZY DIANE:
Why don't you like me?

I know how lonely you are.

If you just let me
into your life,

I would be your slave forever.

But you deny me
and you deny yourself.

You deliberately hurt me
by moving your couch bed

against mine
so that I can hear you
with other women.

Because--

because you are an eleven!
[SOBS] Yes, you really are!

Your couch bed
was not up against mine

when I first moved in here!

You moved it deliberately.

And now I have to lie here
night after night,

listening to you saying
lewd things

to lewd women,
while you make them
do lewd things.

-[BREATHES HEAVILY]
And furthermore--
-[TELEPHONE RINGS]

-[TELEPHONE RINGS]
-BUDDY: It's your nickel.

JENNIFER: Nickel?
What century are you living in?

Well, it's me,
the future ex-wife.

It's two o'clock here,
and I just called

to congratulate you
on your Media Award nomination.

And to ask you why you
didn't have the good manners
to call

and congratulate me on mine.
That being the case,

I hope I win and you lose.
Call me.

Love you. Bye.

-[LINE BEEPING]
-What a bitch!

Why was I put here, Irving? Why?

Diane, you can't run a book
in your apartment

when your wife
is screaming numbers
out the window.

Why did Sidney have to move in
with us out there?

Because he's my Pop, that's why.

Irving, everything was fine.

Until Sidney came up
from Hialeah!

You were in
and out of the nuthouse
most of the time.

How the hell would you know
"everything was fine?"

I am not General Noriega,
Irving,

and you are not George Bush.

You cannot have people relocated
by force simply

because it suits your interest!

-I came here--
-Because you are riddled
with guilt!

Because I wanted to see
if you needed anything.

I also wanted to see
how you are.

And I don't wanna have
to go back to Kew Gardens,

and give a bad report
about you to Pop.

That's right.

Because you made me
very nervous with that crap

that you pulled
about how you were going
to the police,

and blow the whistle on us.

-I may still go.
-Oh, you do that.

See how fast they listen
to someone that the nurses

at Bellevue
nicknamed Scarface.

Scarface? [LAUGHS]

-Pop, that's funny.
-Scarface.

Cruelty and violence
are all you people know.

But as someone who was raised
by aunts, I am no stranger
to cruelty.

IRVING: Diane.
Diane, come on, Huh?

You got it nice here?

But why was I pushed out
of my rightful home?

IRVING: You know Pop here
has a bum heart.

SYDNEY: And then you got
dressed up

in them frigging outfits

with pots and pans
hanging off ya.

Hats made out of pampers!

Leaning out the window,
yelling you're--
you're surrounded by sixes.

Being held captive
by fours and sevens!

IRVING: I've seen him
grabbing his chest.

And that the sixes
are runnin' a bookie joint

-in your apartment!
-You stood to kill my Pop.

-And I love my Pop.
-Oh, cut that out.

Anyway, that's why
we had to put you in here.

As someone who was raised
in Sands Point,

I have no interest
in the activities of criminals.

If he dies, it's your fault.

There are so many facets,

to your basically
sadistic nature, Irving.

I doubt if I could
ever enumerate them
within one lifetime.

Look at my face, Irving.

A 100 dollars.

That's what you paid
those two persons to scar
my face like this.

Look what they did to me,
Irving, for a 100 dollars!

And you didn't even do it
with any class!

You didn't even go
to the Italians to have it done!

You had it done
by two out-of-work
Black persons.

For a hundred dollars, Irving!

Diane, don't you realize
what kind of trouble

you're going to get in,
if you don't stop ranting

about scars
you simply do not have?

Yes.

Well, then?

You know how lonely I am!

I do know, but even so...

Are you taking sides
with Irving?

I'm not taking sides, but what
choice did you give Irving?

How could he continue
to run an illegitimate business

from that apartment with you
yelling out the window

that your father-in-law
is a six,

that he can see through walls

and that he was watching you
take showers?

Wake up and smell
the coffee, Diane.

What do you think
will happen to you,

if Irving is sent back
to jail and there's no one
to pay the rent here?

I suppose, I would wind up
back in one of those nut houses.

If you were lucky.

More likely you would end up
out on the street.

I don't wanna be homeless.

All right, then.

And what about fires?

We're not going to have
any fires here, are we?

No.

You swear? No more fires?

If everybody treats everybody
with dignity,

there won't be any fires.

That's not good enough.

Well, it'll just have to do.

[MOTORBIKE ENGINE REVS]

Tell me about this man
who lives next door.

Mr. Arnett?

He's crazy about me!
That's him now.

He just went out to get me
a pack of cigarettes.

As a matter of fact, he wrote me
a very suggestive note.

[PAPER RUSTLING]

Did you read my note,
Mrs. Steingut?

CRAZY DIANE: Yes.

-You wanna talk about it?
-CRAZY DIANE: No.

W-- What'd--
What'd you think of it?

CRAZY DIANE:
It was very well written.

Thank you, Mrs. Steingut.

CRAZY DIANE: Oh,
your estranged wife

called from California
to say...

Well, you'll hear it
on your machine.

JENNIFER:
I hope I win and you lose.

Call me. Love you, bye.

I'm calling Hollywood,
Mrs. Steingut,
if you care to listen.

[DIALING]

Jennifer Buddy.

I got your congratulations.
Very funny, Jennifer.

I'm wonderfully thrilled
for you.

-And so is Kimmy.
-[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

KIM: Is that my daddy?

Yes, it is, sweetheart.
It's your daddy.

Daddy, I just swam underwater
for 20 whole minutes.

JENNIFER: Twenty seconds,
sweetie.

KIM: Mommy says
it was twenty seconds.

Kimmy, let me talk
to daddy a second.

Kimmy, you're gonna drop
that in the pool

like you did the last one.

Mother, I wanna talk to Daddy.

[SIGHS] She's so stubborn.
It's okay, I get it.

Daddy, I miss you.
When're you coming out here?

Why not?

Can I come there?

Sweetheart,
give me the phone, please.

Thank you.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

You're crazy!
You've got to come out here
for the awards.

-BUDDY: Where'd you hear that?
-[SCOFFS]

It is meaningless to go
to the Media Awards in New York.

You still don't know
that you're in a business.

BUDDY: Jennifer,
I know it all too well.

I wondered where you were.

BUDDY: Especially when
my business manager calls me

and tells me your lawyer
is talking about suing...

I wanted you to miss me, baby.

BUDDY:
Give me a break, will ya?

You must have made six times
as much money as I did
last year.

Hello?

Anyway, how much is being spent
to promote your nomination?

BUDDY: A lot.

-JENNIFER: By who?
-BUDDY: My agent.

They took a full-page ad
in the trades.

-Mommy.
-JENNIFER: That's not enough.

BUDDY: That's not enough?
Nothing's ever enough for you.

Mommy.

Go inside and dry off,
honey, or you'll catch a cold.

Anyway, you should come.
I need you. We're still married.

We should be sitting together
when the camera cuts to me.

BUDDY: So middle America thinks
you're straight?

Fuck off, Buddy. Good-bye.

I wanted to talk to daddy again.

Well, he obviously didn't care
if he spoke to you again or not.

He hung up on us.

MARNELL: So what's the story?

BUDDY: Well, these guys
get shot down over Burma, and...

-MARNELL: Right.
-...they're rescued

by these nuns,
who are running from the Japs.

-MARNELL: I already saw it?
-You saw it?

MARNELL: When it was first on.

BUDDY: Well, that was a couple
of years ago.

MARNELL: Yeah,
but like, I saw it.

BUDDY: Don't you wanna
see it again?

-Lame, Buddy, lame.
-MARNELL: How many times

can you watch
something like that?

I mean, I didn't really like it
the first time I saw it.

Okay, Marnell, but, uh,

this is a cold side of you
I never really saw before.

And-- and I have to be honest
with you, and tell you that, uh,

I'm shocked, uh, really shocked
at-- at your shallow concept

-of friendship.
-MARNELL: Really?

Me, too.

What's the point of taking
a bath to go to bed by yourself?

[KEYBOARD CLACKING]

All right. You keep typing.
But this is your last chance.

Your note said
you wanted a meeting.

Okay.

I hope, for your sake,
you'll have the perception

to see beyond my scars
and treat me with dignity.

Because I cannot allow myself

to be forced to submit
to domination by fours,

nines, tens, threes and 11s!

[CRAZY DIANE HISSES]

Take that!

Ba-boom!

Ba-boom! Ba-boom!
Boom! Boom! Boom!

[INDISTINCT CHATTER
IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

Your note said a personal
confrontation was necessary.

BUDDY: It did?

[♪♪♪♪♪]

Oh.

You're in your robe.

That's all right.
Please come in, Mrs. Steingut.

[♪♪♪♪♪]

[DOOR CLOSES]

[♪♪♪♪♪]

[CLATTERING]

[♪♪♪♪♪]

Oh, a fax machine.

Interesting.

Yes, it's the greatest thing
since sex.

It allows me to send
script pages right to Hollywood.

Oh.

Don't you think it would be
easier to do that with a modem?

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Proceed.

BUDDY: Mrs. Steingut,
you've been living next door

to me for, what?

Four months.
I think it's four months.

Well, whatever.

See, the people who renovated
this building

used such cheap materials,

that you can hear damn
near everything

that goes on all around you.
And above you.

Well, you know.

Oh, I hear everything.

I see everything
that goes on around me, too.

Right, I'm sure you do.
But what I'm trying to say is,

I know you live alone
over there,

and yet I hear you talking
to a lot of people that--

That aren't really there?

BUDDY: Yeah.

See, it's natural for people
to fill up their house

with their own noise.

That's what makes it
their house.

You know what I mean?

It's not that abstract
a thought.

I guess it's not,
but when your noise

starts to fill up my house,

then something
goes out of my house.

My privacy. And...

And I suppose,
you don't find it an intrusion

on my privacy to have to listen
to women bouncing up and down

on this mattress,
all night long,

yelling that same thing
over and over.

I must admit I'm shocked
at the paucity of diversity

in the verbal manifestations
of passion

that emit from the mouths
of those hitters.

I hate to bring it up, but,
then, the truth is the truth,
isn't it?

That is what I've always wanted
to believe.

Oh, I'm sure it all amuses you.

And speaking of noise,
what about the...

[IMITATES PRINTER]

...from these machines
all night long?

Yeah, I hate that noise myself,
and I wanna get a laser printer,

but I don't have
the money right now.

[MAN SPEAKING
IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

[CAR HORN BLARING]

Do you think you'll win?

Nah.

It's a club out there.

You either live out there
or you don't count.

Don't you think that sort
of a defense mechanism attitude

in case you lose?

How do you define yourself
as a writer?

I'm a novelist.

Who writes for television,

so he can afford
to be a novelist.

The New York Times
said it was one of the best

of the Vietnam novels.

You were in Vietnam?

I was a correspondent
for Rolling Stone.

-Why weren't you in the Army?
-Bad knees.

Do you miss Vietnam?

I miss living on the wire,
so to speak.

My father died in Korea
during the peace talks.

It made my mother insane.

Actually, what it did was make
her insanity more obvious.

My aunts had money.
They raised me in Sands Point.

Sands Point? Very posh.

-The Gold Coast?
-Yes. Huge mansions.

Lawns like football fields.

You never dream of it.
It was just across the water

-from the Bronx.
-The Bronx?

That's where I'm from.

I had to leave.
There was just terrible fire,

and the place burned down.

-Then I went to Smith College.
-Really?

CRAZY DIANE: Yes, for a year.
I think it was a year.

I was going to transfer
to the Fashion Institute,

but then I got sick
or something.

Later I renewed a lifelong
interest in the ballet.

[♪♪♪♪♪]

I was in the corps de ballet
at Radio City.

Oh.

-But I got fired.
-Sorry to hear that.

I could never remember
when the shows were.

[♪♪♪♪♪]

Oh, I know word processing.

I've had to support myself
with it from time to time.

Mrs. Steingut, what is an 11?

[DOOR BUZZER BUZZING]

-JAILBAIT: Hi.
-Oh, come in.

Oh, hi.

BUDDY: Mrs. Steingut and I
were just being neighborly.

[♪♪♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪♪♪]

[CLATTERING]

[DRUMS BEATING]

I really have to go.

[TRUMPETS PLAYING]

Thanks so much for getting me
the cigarettes, Mr. Arnett.

-Get a life.
-BUDDY: Shh.

[DOOR CLOSING]

Change your mind?

No, but I forgot what time
your show came on,

and my idiot mother threw away
the TV Guide.

Oh. Here.

TBS in an hour.

But take this. I--
I never use it anyway.

Thanks.

Why don't you watch it
from down here?

It's more like a movie
on the big screen.

No, my mother knows
I'm down here. I'd better go.

Oh, can you spare another pack?

-Oh, yeah.
-Thanks.

[CHUCKLES] I'll be watching.

How about a pack
for your idiot mother?

[♪♪♪♪♪]

WOMAN ON TV:
And get rid of anger.

STAN: Stan Schwartz, sports.

MASON: Mason Coldwell, weather.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER ON TV]

Ten o'clock. Flying Tigers.

"Dix and Hap get shot down
behind Japanese lines."

"And stumble on a trio of nuns."

[SCOFFS] "Trying to make
their way into Burma."

"Rerun."

"Script by Buddy Arnett."

JAILBAIT: You see,
I told you he is famous.

Now, can I go down there?

You can go down there,
when I'm invited, too.

[GROANS]

[KNOCKING ON WALL]

Mr. Arnett?

Yes, Mrs. Steingut?

If you can't find anybody else
to watch it with you

on the big screen,
perhaps you would like me

to come over
and do that with you.

Uh, well, actually,
I think it would be better

if I worked instead.

Of course, after all
I'm not a 14-year-old girl!

Christ.

[♪♪♪♪♪]

[LINE RINGING]

WOMAN: I'm here,
but I'm not taking any calls.

Fuck you.

Mr. Arnett.

What is it, Mrs. Steingut?

Are you sure you don't want me
to come over?

Okay, sure. Come over.

[♪♪♪♪♪]

Give me a minute.
I'll be right over.

I'm a sick man.

What the hell am I doing?

WOMAN: Tahiti.
It's not just an island.

It's a promise.

It's a whispering waterfall.

It's the sound
of the surf lapping
against your toes.

-Are you going to tape it?
-Yeah.

WOMAN: It's not just an island.
It's a fragrance.

[EXHALES]

Oh. I was cleaning something
with kerosene.

Oh.

For a minute there
I thought it was JP-4 jet fuel.

The GI's used to burn shit
with it every Tuesday.

ANNOUNCER: We'll be back
with tonight's episode

ofThe Flying Tigers

after these messages.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER OVER TV]

In Korea.

Vietnam.

Oh.

Of course.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER OVER TV]

Thank you.

ANNOUNCER:
And now,Flying Tigers.

[♪♪♪♪♪]

[PLANE ENGINES WHIR]

[♪♪♪♪♪]

-[PLANE ENGINES WHIRRING]
-[GUNSHOTS]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER OVER TV]

You know, you still didn't
tell me what an 11 is.

I don't know if I know you well
enough to tell you that.

SHEILA: Bath time.

KIM: You said I could
watch daddy's show.

You've seen it before.

Your Daddy's given you every one
of his shows

on video for Christmas.

Now, school's tomorrow.
Let's go.

I wanna talk to my mommy.
She'll let me stay up.

Your mother has gone off
with your Aunt Felicia.

Now, move.

She's not my aunt.

MAN ON TV: Pigeon, is that you?

Funny. He doesn't look like
the same man

who balled out of the plane.

It's stock footage.

It's television.

[STATIC]

Aw, shit.

JAILBAIT: Mother!

Did you pay the bill
or didn't you?

WOMAN: I paid it!

Here's the receipt.

Here.

Goddamn cable system.

They do this to me every time
I whip out my recorder.

[♪♪♪♪♪]

Tell me, Mrs. Steingut.
Who is Irving?

And why did he pay
two African-Americans

to scar your face?

Irving is my estranged husband.
He's a bookie.

We met
in the Carnegie Hall Cinema.

I had gone to see a revival
of the film

called The Four Hundred Blows.

I'd always heard
it was quite touching.

Interesting. A bookie who likes
foreign films.

No, Irving was there
because he thought

The Four Hundred Blows
was a porno movie.

But don't tell anyone
that Irving is a bookie,

because if Sydney
has a heart attack

-it'll be my fault.
-And you're convinced Irving

had two African-Americans
scar your face?

Do you refer to them
as African-Americans

because you are a liberal
and you'll call them

whatever Jesse Jackson wants you
to call them?

No.

I call them African-Americans

because that's what
they wanna be called.

But listen, I don't understand

why you think
your face is scarred.

It's not scarred that I can see.

Mrs. Steingut,
it's really a very nice face.

Tell me, have
you ever been involved

in any kind of therapy?
Like group therapy or--

CRAZY DIANE: Group therapy?

I've had a shock therapy!

Group therapy? [LAUGHS]

Now, you tell me something,
Mr. Arnette.

Are you one of those rare men
who appreciates,

firm young breasts?

Well, uh, sure,
they're good, too.

And don't you think
that a person touching

my dancer's body, could pretend
that I was 14?

Sure, but why would they wanna
do that?

[EXHALES] Listen, Mrs...

Touch me.

Touch me all over.

[MOANS]

I know that you like
young girls.

You can pretend that I'm 14.

And turn on
all those light things!

[MOANS]

[MOANING]

[PANTING]

-[SCREAMS]
-[BUDDY MOANS]

-BUDDY: Excuse me.
-[CRAZY DIANE COUGHS]

-There's that smell again.
-CRAZY DIANE: Sorry.

-I tried to get it off.
-[BUDDY MOANS]

Oh, it's okay. Oh. It's nice.

-[PANTING]
-[CRAZY DIANE PANTING]

-[MOANS]
-[MOANS]

Mrs. Stein-- Stein-- Steingut!
[PANTING]

[CRAZY DIANE MOANING]

Yes! Yes! Mr. Arnett!

[MOANING]

Arnett!

Give me some ass, Mrs. Steingut!

[CRAZY DIANE SCREAMS]
Mr. Arnett!

♪ I want to♪

-[♪♪♪♪♪]
-[BOTH MOAN]

[BOTH BREATHE HEAVILY,
MOAN]

♪ I say I like it♪

BUDDY: Right.

[♪♪♪♪♪]

[BOTH PANT]

♪ I want to♪

-[CRAZY DIANE MOANING]
-BUDDY: I love that.

Yes!

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

CRAZY DIANE: Mr. Arnett!
[MOANING]

BUDDY: Yes. Yes.

-I love you. Oh, shit.
-[CRAZY DIANE MOANING]

♪ Yeah, I really like it♪

WOMAN: I said turn
that goddamn crap down!

JAILBAIT: I turned it down.

WOMAN:
Well, turn it down more!

It's six o'clock
in the morning!

[♪♪♪♪♪]

[EXHALES]

♪ I want to♪

♪ 'Cause I want to♪

♪ Yeah, I want to♪

Good morning.

[CHUCKLES]

I went back to my place
to make this,

so I wouldn't disturb you.

I didn't have sweet 'n low,
but I found your honey.

I assume that would be
all right.

Sure. Fine. Thanks.

Listen, about last night--

Oh, please, let's not start
the day with a cliché.

We have to have
a very serious talk.

What's different about you?

That's what we need
to talk about.

[SIGHS] How can I put this?

Well.

Okay.

There's a difference of opinion,

among the doctors
who've treated me.

The ones I consider to be hacks,
insist that I'm a schizophrenic.

But the younger doctors
have a different opinion.

They feel that I suffer
from a form of panic disorder,

and depression, that leads
to fantasies and hallucinations.

I disagree with all of them.
I know what I really have.

Multiple Personality Disorder.
MPD. I saw it on Sixty Minutes.

And on Geraldo.
And I know it's what I have.

It's caused by trauma
and abuse in childhood.

The child who's being abused
can't take it anymore,

and disassociates
and creates another person,

to handle it for them.

You see, I'm really two people.

You've been living next door
to a person

we might call Crazy Diane.

That's who you took
to bed last night.

Right now you're having
breakfast with a person

we might call Sane Diane.

Far out.

You made love to,
so beautifully to me last night

that you more or less,
chased Crazy Diane away.

For good?

Oh, it's never for good.
It's always touch and go.

Crazy Diane is very clever.

After all, we both went
to Smith College.

But if she emerges
from time to time,

and you wanna be
with me again,

you can just ask
to speak with me.

Like, what do I say?

Just say, "May I speak
with Sane Diane, please?"

And you'll appear?

Hopefully.

Great.

-Excuse me a minute.
-Oh, of course.

Baby, I gotta get you bookings,
'cause you can cure the sick.

IRVING: I don't know
what she's doin'.

She's goin' through one of her
normal periods or something.

SYDNEY: Look, I don't care
about her periods.

You get a hold of her.

And you find out if she ratted
us out to the cops.

IRVING: Okay, Pop,
I'll take care of it.

SYDNEY: What's goin' on?

-Where is she?
-In the dancing school.

-Dancing school.
-She already knows how to dance.

Shit, we're gonna be
here forever.

IRVING: Here she comes.

Let's go.

Let's go, let's go, let's go.

SYDNEY: Help, will you,
for Christ sake.

[♪♪♪♪♪]

Park the car. Wait for me.

I won't be long, Pop.

Park the car.

[♪♪♪♪♪]

♪ Now I ain't hiding♪

♪ And I don't know
I'm gonna tell the world♪

♪ How I feel inside♪

♪ But baby, baby
When you love me♪

♪ Oh, I can't deny♪

♪ You bring out the best in me♪

♪ Myself and I♪

What the fuck?

[♪♪♪♪♪]

I'm coming! I'm coming!

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

Irving?

What the hell
are you doing in there?

-[MAN SPEAKING OVER TV]
-[INDISTINCT CHATTER OVER TV]

[SIGHS]

What's going on here?

I'm reorganizing our files.

That's not what I mean.
What goes on here?

Nothing goes on here, Irving.
This is obviously a home office,

and I am working here.

An office with a bed in it,
where you take showers?

My shower is stopped up.
And the Super here is a cretin.

Stop the bullshit.

-What are you doing in here?
-I work here!

As what? A ballet dancer?

Have a seat if you must,
but forgive me

if I go about my business.

My employer is probably about
to win a major award

and I'm going
to tape it off the air.

Excuse me, do you mind
sitting over there?

IRVING: No. Okay. I get it.

Crazy Diane has taken one
of her little walks.

But it's all right.
She'll be back.

She always comes back.

Wait until this guy,
uh, meets her good friends

Mr. Two, Mr. Six,
and Mr. Eleven.

He's already met them.
After all, they're neighbors.

Okay, so he hired
the handicapped.

And now you're fucking him.

What a nice man.

How much is he paying you?

That's my business.

IRVING: Oh.

But you probably have to do it
for him for free though, right?

[CHUCKLES] Come on.
How much is he paying you?

I make 168 dollars
and 59 cents per week.

Great.

I can take that much off
your check every week.

As you desire, Irving.

Comes to,
about 250 before taxes.

♪ For any job you got to do♪

Boy, you must lick his stamps
pretty good for that.

MAN OVER TV: And if you got
that feeling

that things are coming unglue,

then Perma Glue
is the glue for you.

Perma Glue will bond
anything to anything,

forever and ever.

Perma Glue says it
and makes it stick.

ANNOUNCER: Three-eighty,
3-20 and 2-80.

Tails as 6-60 and 4-40.

Longfellow's Game at 5-40.

The second race, Glass Jaw,
12 dollars 6-40 and...

-Irving!
-What?

What? Only he can grab you now?
Is that it?

Does he know
you're married to me?

He knows,
I have an estranged husband.

I'm estranged.

I never been in a loony bin,
but I'm estranged.

-That's a laugh!
-Why are you here?

I'll tell you, if you sit still.

And stop jumpin' around
like Sadie Fuckin' Secretary

for two minutes.
I need your apartment.

What for?

Somethin' funny is goin'
on in Kew Gardens.

Too many weird clicking noises
on the phone lately.

Pop smells a rat.

You didn't do anything stupid,
like call the police

-or nothin', did you?
-Certainly not.

Because if Pop's blood pressure
goes through the roof,

and he gets a stroke,
or gets an attack

and ends up croaking,
because of you--

Without that lonely man
or woman,

sitting in that lonely room,

the television writer.

Here, live from New York,

to present the award,
for the best writing

on a dramatic series,

is last year's winner,
Barry Men--

-MAN OVER TV:
Uh, uh, thanks, Frank.
-Look, there he is.

MAN: The nominees in this
category are Buddy Arnett...

-Yo, Buddy!
-...forCall To Duty.

Hmm. Looks good in a tuxedo.

Hmm, mm, mm.

MAN: And the winner is...

SANE DIANE: To deprive
this man of a permanent record

of a possible triumph!

-[BREATHES HEAVILY]
-Okay. Okay, fine.

I'm glad you work over here now.

Because Monday morning,
a certain Cuban friend of mine

who once worked for the CIA,

is comin' over to put
new extensions on your phone.

I'm taking over
your number for a while.

-You most certainly are not!
-I-- I'm still your husband.

The apartment's still rented
in my name

and Monday morning
Senor Mungo Rivas...

-Never, Irving!
-...who once worked for the CIA

is coming over and knockin'
on you door--

-I will cut the wires, Irving!
-Okay, do it

-and you see what happens.
-The day you start working

out of there I am calling
the police!

-You'll do what?
-I will!

-You'll do what?
-I'll call 'em? [GROANS]

[PANTS]

[GRUNTS]

[GRUNTS]

-[PANTS]
-[♪♪♪♪♪]

You give me any more trouble,

and you're gonna
see two big spades comin'

at your face with razors.

And it'll be me that sent them.

[WHIMPERS]

I knew I didn't make that up.

I just heard it in advance.

IRVING: Monday morning,
Looney Tunes.

I didn't know he was practically
a celebrity.

Mother, will you, please.

I thought he was just some guy
trying to grab your ass.

Shut up!

Jesus Christ!
What happened here?

Diane, is that you?

[GROANS]

Diane.

Did you win?
I couldn't tape it.

-Did you win?
-No, I lost,

-but what-- what happened here?
-But it's still on,

why-- why are you here?

I split as soon as I lost,
but who did this?

Irving was here.
He tried to terrorize me,

but I wouldn't let him.

Nothing scares me anymore.

Now, that I have you.
Oh, God, I love you so much.

Come on, now, what is this?

You know it's true.
You must know that.

You've changed my life
completely,

you've given it so much meaning.

Oh, shit.

Don't say that.
Don't ruin this moment for me.

I wasn't talking about that.

[APPLAUSE]

Son of a bitch, she won.

Oh.

Thank you.

Uh, thank you all so much.

Oh, I had something memorized,
but I've forgotten it. I--

Sorry.

I swore to myself
I wouldn't cry, but--

-Look, mommy's crying.
-[JENNIFER CRYING]

Right on cue.

She's very beautiful.

She's a total bitch.

[EXHALES]

Sorry, I-- I have just worked
so hard for this.

[EXHALES]

I'd like to thank, Dick Weisberg
and Frank Berkowitz.

Aren't you gonna thank
the little people?

And the people at the network,
you know who you are!

I mean, this is such
a wonderful industry!

Sorry.

[APPLAUSE]

Thank you.

It doesn't really matter
about the Jennifers

and the Irivings of this world.

What they do for us,

is to point out the things
in our lives that we have

that are of real value.

All the while that Irving
was kicking me,

I didn't really feel any pain
because I knew sooner or later

he would stop and leave.

And that you would be back.

And I would be with someone
who treated me with real...

dignity.

[♪♪♪♪♪]

BUDDY: Lyman laughs
and spits

in the Iraqi colonel's face,

when they hear
the air raid sirens.

The colonel drops
the rubber hose and screams,

"Everybody into the shelter!"

Does he scream it
in English or in Arabic?

Uh, I don't know.
In English, it doesn't matter,

-we'll deal with it later.
-Well, it doesn't make any sense

if he screams it in English.

Let's just keep going here,
okay?

[♪♪♪♪♪]

BUDDY: I mean, I--
I know you went to Smith

and you're probably
much better read than I am,

but you agreed to work for me.
And if you're gonna work for me,

then you have to type
what I ask you to type.

Without confronting me
about every other sentence.

Don't you care what I think?

Of course I care what you think.

Because, frankly,
I'm somewhat disappointed

that you sold your Vietnam novel
to these people

and they're turning it
into a movie

about the war with Iraq.

CRAZY SADIE: I know you two
are doing it.

I'm turning you both in,
you rotten motherfuckers!

Come on.
Don't pay any attention to her.

How can you not pay attention
to her?

Here.

I can't be bought
with bribes, either.

Very nice. Come on.

Look, Vietnam is dead.
It's over.

The heart of my novel,
is the struggle of a journalist.

To stay honest
in a difficult circumstance.

Yes. But most of what
you're writing

is bang-bang, shoot-shoot,
anti-aircraft guns, missiles.

I mean, it's almost like Rambo
goes to Basra on behalf of CNN.

What's behind this lecture?

I read your novel.
Your new one.

My new one is three years old
and far from finished.

-Where'd you find it?
-On your hard disk,

in your computer.
I was downloading some stuff.

Anyways, it's brilliant!
It's just brilliant!

Brilliant, Jesus, what a review.

No, it's more than brilliant.
It's surreal.

Why haven't you finished it?

BUDDY: Because I have bills
to pay.

Child support, taxes,
you name it, I owe it.

SANE DIANE: You have
to finish it.

It'll establish you
as one of our best

and brightest novelists.

BUDDY: Look.
Show business is heat.

I got a nomination,
and I got hot.

So, suddenly somebody wants
to buy my Vietnam novel.

They're even paying me
to write the screenplay.

So, if my first novel
makes it possible for me

to write my second novel,
so be it.

When you make this move,
where will it be shot?

Well, they're talking
about Spain.

There are parts of Spain
that look just like Iraq.

Spain? God I've always wanted
to see Spain.

Wouldn't you have to take
your secretary?

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

You kill me.
You fucking kill me.

-You really are Saint Diane.
-Saint Diane?

Yes. Isn't that what you said
I should call you?

-[CHUCKLES] No, Sane Diane.
-Sane Diane.

-So, can I go with you?
-I don't know.

You're worried about
Crazy Diane, aren't you?

Or else you can be devious,

if people turn on me
or become treacherous

or stopped treating me
with dignity.

You think I would turn on you?

I think that at the bottom
of their souls,

ultimately,
all men can be Irving.

[CHUCKLES]

What's wrong?

They stole my fucking bike!

Of course, it was chained up.

They'd have to be Houdini
to unchain it!

I can't believe nobody saw them
taking it!

Yeah, yeah, okay.

Where were we?

[DOOR BUZZER BUZZING]

You think it could be Irving?

I don't think so.
It's been three months.

I don't think he'd violate
the restraining order.

Maybe, it's the Cuban spy.

[DOOR BUZZER BUZZING]

Maybe, it's about my bike.

Yeah?

JENNIFER: I have a Strip-o-Gram
for Mr. Arnett.

A Strip-O-Gram?

[DOOR BUZZER BUZZES]

What the hell
are you doing here?

Do I get a kiss,
to go with my award?

Or do I actually have to strip?

Hmm?

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

Well...

What have we here?

Jennifer, I don't believe
you know my secretary,

Mrs. Steingut, Mrs. Steingut
this is my wife, Jennifer.

His future ex-wife.

Doesn't he call me
that behind my back?

Do you want me to go back
to my own apartment?

Of course, you do!

No, no, Mrs. Steingut,
you go right on working.

After all,
that's what you're here for.

What should I work on?

What?

You were dictating to me.

Oh, right.

Well...

Uh, I-- I'll mend
that broken coffee cup

-from the other morning.
-Good.

JENNIFER: You need money
to buy new cups, Buddy?

Watch out for her! Shh.

Shh.

BUDDY: As you can imagine,
Jennifer,

getting nominated
for that award,

made me very much in demand.

And then suddenly
I was very, very busy.

Mrs. Steingut lives next door
but she happens

to be a brilliant secretary.

-JENNIFER: Next door.
-BUDDY: Uh-huh.

Hmm.

And how convenient for carfare.

-And other things like that.
-How do you mean that?

It was just a stroke
of luck that Mrs. Steingut

was out of work,

just at the time
when I got so busy.

Oh, yes
you've mentioned Mrs. Steingut

to me on the telephone.

At least six times
or was it 11?

Are you mocking me?

BUDDY: No,
she wasn't mocking you.

Were you, Jennifer?

Of course not. I was just...

BUDDY: Oh, Jennifer,
you mentioned you have

new school pictures
of Kim around.

I-- I wonder if...

Oh, dear God.

What is wrong, Mrs. Steingut?

I've glued my fingers together.

JENNIFER: Wait.
Don't try to pull them apart.

I have nail polish remover
in my purse.

[DOOR BUZZER BUZZING]

BUDDY: Who can that be?

Let me have a look at that.

Oh.

Oh.

Yes, you recognize my wife.

Jennifer, this is
the little girl that lives

just upstairs with her mother.

Jailbait! Shh!

BUDDY: What'd you say,
Mrs. Steingut?

Nothing.
I-- I-- I was stifling a sneeze.

This place
is filling up with enemies!

No, it's not, Mrs. Steingut.

Everybody here is very friendly.
See, Dina brought a cake.

And a jolly cake it is, too.

Did you bake
that yourself, Dina?

Uh, no my mom did.

But I'm the one who told her
to make it chocolate,

because of the time
that you got me high

on Thai sticks, and you said
you liked chocolate, so well.

Well, thanks for coming down.

Okay.

We watched you win the award,

and I read all about you
in Peoplemagazine.

And my-- my mother was
so impressed with what you had

to say about how you didn't like
to go to parties,

because you'd rather be at home
with your daughter.

[CHUCKLES]

What an adorable little girl.

-Want me to get her for you?
-You terrible man.

Let me handle this!

I know how to handle
people like her!

Hey.

It's okay.

It's okay.

Listen, Buddy,

I'm going down to Carolina
to see mom and daddy.

But, before I go,
I really need to talk to you.

So, is there some place
we can go?

You want me to go?

No, no, you go right on working,
Mrs. Steingut.

Uh, we'll go to your place.

Is it open?

Yes, it's open.

The reason she keeps it open
is because you can hear

everything that goes on
over there from here.

I see.

Would you go tell my driver
he can get something to eat?

[♪♪♪♪♪]

We'll be a while.

What is wrong with you?

You made that moron
your secretary?

-Shush!
-She talks to herself,

-for Christ sake.
-Just shush!

Well, she-- I heard her.
I saw her!

Just shut up!

Hmm!

CRAZY DIANE: Psst!
Get in here, quick.

We have to hear
what they're saying.

-[SNIFFS]
-Do that quieter!

I wasn't kidding
about the walls here.

I hope you don't do that

in front of your friend,
Mrs. Reagan.

-[JENNIFER GROANING]
-BUDDY: Shush it!

Come away from that wall

-and keep your voice down.
-JENNIFER: Buddy!

So, you're boffing
the nut next door.

[SNIFFS] And you made her
your secretary.

You really are something.

BUDDY: First of all,
I am not boffing her.

JENNIFER: Not right this minute.

BUDDY: And, secondly,
she's not a nut.

She's a very well-educated,
lovely young woman.

JENNIFER: Who's had
a hard time in life.

BUDDY: With a history
of mental illness.

[GROANS] Where do I barf?

I hate your cynical west coast
attitude about people.

What are you doing here, anyway?

I wanted to talk to you.
To ask you to come back to me.

I'm tired
of this stupid separation.

And Kimmy's getting to the point
where she really needs a daddy.

BUDDY: Cut the bullshit!

JENNIFER: What are you proving
with this?

I'm not happy with it.
I admit that. Why don't you?

How's what's-her name,
the tattooed dyke?

Gone. Been gone for months.
Buddy, I worked all that out.

My shrinker made me
understand exactly

what that was about,
and the minute I understood it,

over.

I swear to you.

CRAZY DIANE: There is
absolutely no reason for me

to feel threatened
by perverted women.

Nor can I be toyed with
by destructive people

-who manipulate.
-Stop it. Stop it.

If he hears you carrying on
like this,

you're not going to Spain.

I don't care about Spain,

Spain is just a place
where they lisp

when they speak Spanish!

-What did she say?
-Nothing.

I think she's just proof-reading
aloud from my script.

She's very efficient.

Let him take his wife to Spain!

She can exercise her
need to dominate!

She probably likes
to tie men up and whip them.

You wrote that?

You'd have to understand
the plot of the movie.

I don't think I want to.

Don't tell me to shut up!
I know what's going on.

This whole thing was worked out
on the telephone between 'em.

For all I know,
Irving's involved!

And the Cuban!

I bet the Cuban thought
the whole thing up.

They're very clever at the CIA!

I'll be right back.

[DOOR CLOSING]

And I will not be subjected
to people who...

-Diane, come on now! Diane!
-...lie and sevens and tens.

-Aw, shit! Hey!
-And 11s!

Can I please
speak to Sane Diane?

-No!
-Why not?

-She's mad at you!
-Diane, please.

I know Sane Diane
wants to talk to me.

Can I please speak
to Sane Diane?

Give me a minute.

He wants to talk to you!

But I didn't tell,
it's not like I don't care

-if I know what's going on.
-SANE DIANE: Just be quiet.

I don't care. Don't tell me
to be quiet! I know!

[SCREAMING]

All right, I'm all right now.

[SIGHS]

Here's how I feel.

I know that she's beautiful
and that she has a hold on you.

Why wouldn't she?

I'm sure there's hundreds of men
who would leap at the chance

-to have a date with her.
-BUDDY: Diane,

cut the soap opera.

But I know how I feel about you.

And I know what I could do
for you if you would
only let me.

That's all.
I don't want to go into it

any further at this time.

Diane, I'm not going back
to her.

I'm gonna do exactly
what I was doing.

Finish this movie,
take the money and run

and finish my new novel, okay?

-Promise?
-Promise.

Trust me.

Okay?

[SANE DIANE SIGHS]

CRAZY DIANE: Don't tell me
what went on!

I heard! "Trust me!"
[LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY]

-Will you leave me alone?
-You know I can make you do it.

Wait.

-Come here. [GRUNTS]
-[GASPS]

Oh, how romantic.
Just like the first time.

BUDDY: You know you love it.

JENNIFER: Oh.

Yes, yes.

Oh, honey.

-[JENNIFER BREATHING DEEPLY]
-BUDDY: Nice, huh?

-Not made out of plastic.
-JENNIFER: Oh, baby.

Look, would you do me a favor
and put another towel

between me and that faucet?

Yeah. It's so good.

-[JENNIFER PANTING]
-BUDDY: Oh, yeah.

What do you think you're doing?

If they wanna be together
so badly,

let 'em be stuck together
for life!

They'll put you back
in you-know-where.

These people are celebrities.

This could find its way
into The Enquirer.

CRAZY DIANE: Good.

I'll give them an interview.

I'll tell them everything
about him.

About how he gives drugs
to 14-year-olds,

and how he promised
to marry me

and broke his word.

What are you talking about?

CRAZY DIANE: You heard him say
he wasn't goin' back to her!

That hardly constitutes
a proposal of marriage.

I know what was in his heart
when he said it.

He said he was leaving
her for me.

And, in case you forgot,
he also said "I love you."

He says that every time
he has an orgasm.

They all do. Now here.
Take this and stop acting crazy.

I don't wanna take it.

You take it, and calm down,
or you're not going to Spain,

or anywhere else with this man.

If he doesn't intend
to marry me,

then what is this all about?

Am I just a convenient
piece of ass

and a cheap secretary?

Take the pill.

JENNIFER: Call me.

-[SNIFFS]
-[KEYBOARD CLACKING]

SANE DIANE: Oh.

[KEYBOARD CLACKING]

[SIGHS]

What time is it?

About one o'clock
in the morning.

I took a pill.

I know what you did over there,

and I was so upset
I had to calm myself down.

Look, uh--

I hope you took
the proper precautions.

Listen to me, now.

I only did it by way
of getting rid of her.

With Jennifer, if you give her
what she wants, she goes away.

You swear you're not going back
to her?

No way I'd do that.

You're everything I have
in this world.

-BUDDY: Oh, honey, shh, shh.
-You are. You are.

But if you ever screw her again,

I'm gonna perma-glue
your dick to your leg.

Oh, my God.

Can I speak to Sane Diane
again, please?

You are.

So, have you thought
about it anymore?

Are you gonna take me
with you to Spain?

ASSISTANT DIRECTOR:
Okay, people, listen up here.

-Salaam alaikum.
-Alaikum salaam.

So, is this your first trip
to Spain?

Actually, yes.

I-- I've been to England
and France, but never here.

When we move
to Madrid next week,

I'd like to take you to dinner.

Oh, well, I'm--
I'm here with someone.

Who, that schmuck?
His wife's here with him.

Not the director, the writer.

Oh, you're like the Polish
starlet, huh?

The Polish starlet?

Yeah, she screwed the writer.
[LAUGHS]

But you're cutting out
all the dialogue

that would make this picture
in any way meaningful.

What meaningful?
It's a fuckin' war movie!

[IMITATES GUNFIRE]
War, all right, war.

But you're turning it
into a cheap rip off

of what I originally had
in my novel.

No.

You already did that,

with this piece
of shit screenplay.

-[THROUGH ELECTROLARYNX]
Oh, it's you, darling.
-Hello.

-I have all your mail.
-Thank you.

-Oh, thank you, Mrs. Landesman.
-You're most welcome.

I'm very happy with the way
you've changed.

I know what's going on.

-And I approve.
-[CHUCKLES]

Just make sure
he marries you, dear.

[♪♪♪♪♪]

[DOOR BUZZER BUZZING]

[DOOR BUZZER BUZZING]

Yes?

IRVING: It's me, Irving.

I can't let you in, Irving.

IRVING: Please.

I'm in trouble.
I gotta talk to you.

All right.
I'll let you in to the lobby

but you can't come
to the apartment.

[DOOR BUZZER BUZZING]

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

Irving?

Oh, you're in your own place.

Irving, what's wrong?
You look terrible.

Pop died.

-Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
-So, can I come in?

[SIGHS]

Look, I'm not gonna pull
any stuff

like I pulled the last time.

-Uh, what's all this?
-We just got back.

-From where?
-Madrid.

Madrid.

Spain?

SANE DIANE: It's the only Madrid
I know of, Irving.

[SIGHS] Mm-hmm.

I've been here every day
lookin' for you.

Why didn't you let me know
that you was goin' to Madrid?

SANE DIANE: I didn't know
I had to.

[SIGHS] But, poor Sidney.

Was it his heart?

IRVING: Alternate side
of the street parking,

that's what killed him.

I told him, "Forget movin'
the car."

I had to jackass all the way
into Manhattan

because some lucky bastard
put a pile of money

on the Clippers and they beat
the hell out of the Lakers.

So anyway, I called Pop up
and I said,

"Forget movin' the car
if I'm not back in time.

We lost our shirts today,
what the hell's a few more bucks

for a ticket?"

You know, that Buick
didn't have power steering.

It's no easy car to schlep in
and out of the parking space.

He died tryin' to screw New York
out of a couple of bucks.

And I've been here
every day, ever since.

You don't leave any word,
you don't call a person up.

You just take off
for Madrid, Spain.

I'm sorry about Sydney, Irving.
Did you have a funeral?

IRVING: The Rabbi
kept his promise.

And, uh, he didn't say
that Pop wasn't religious

and he pretend that he knew Pop.

-SANE DIANE: That's good.
-IRVING: I hate that.

When they pretend
they know somebody.

Or say that he was religious.

When he wasn't.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

I wanna hear more, Irving,
I really do.

But I have to go next door
and take this call.

Why don't you come with me?

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

He-- uh.

So, anyway, you're back.

You look very good.

I like that outfit there,
you look like Rita Hayworth

in that bullfight movie.

You're still typing away
for the writer, huh?

Actually, I--

I'm sort of running
his affairs for him, Irving.

Well, I don't care.
I'm getting out of the business.

Probably gonna get
a straight job.

I got a good offer from a deli
in Kew Gardens.

You can move back in there.
Maybe we could even swing

a little house in Jersey
or somewhere.

Have a kid.
Be like other people.

You seem to be okay.

And like I said,
you look very nice.

I don't think so, Irving.

My life has changed a great deal
more than you realize.

Okay, you gotta get even.

I get it.

I'm past that kinda thing
myself.

I'm down to basics here.

I mean, I hurt so bad that one
more hurt could kill me.

So, come on, babe,
what do you say?

Irving, I have a life now.

I have meaning.

I'm even doing a little writing
myself, on the side.

Oh, it's not very good, but...

Well, never mind.

It's just that I have
something, Irving,

and I just can't give it up.

What have you gotten?
Some guy who pays you shit,

and slips it to you
on a fast trip to Madrid.

Before Castro,
guys used to do the same thing,

taking broads down to Havana.

Well, then, thank God
for Fidel Castro.

Sure.

Big kiss-off. Crazy Diane
is gone for good. Sure.

We know all about that one,
don't we?

Well.

If she shows up again,
give me a call.

Maybe,
I'll take youse both back.

BUDDY: Hey.

[CHUCKLES] Oh, hi.

BUDDY: Did you miss me
while I was gone?

Yeah.

-Where were you?
-Spain.

How's life?

She's a total bitch.
Like last night, she goes,

"Well, if you don't get a job

and start helpin' me
pay the rent,

then we're gonna get kicked out
of our home."

So, I go, "You call
this shithouse a home?"

Some great dialogue.
Sorry I missed it.

I'm going to California.

She's driving me crazy.

Well, let me know
if you do that,

'cause I may be going out there
soon myself.

Oh. Uh-huh.
That would be great.

BUDDY: Jesus Christ.

-Oh, for cryin' out loud.
-What's wrong?

I never should have opened
any of these bills.

Look at this.

I told you you were being
intemperate with that card.

What was that?

The insurance company
is giving me ten cents

for my stolen bike.

I made some espresso. [SIGHS]

What time is it?

Almost 11:00.

I've completely lost
my sense of time.

Jet lag.

You're back so late.

Well, I had dinner with my agent
and my lawyer.

Irving was here.

Oh.
What did he break this time?

He's the only thing
that's broken.

His father died, and it's made
a child out of him.

He's pathetic.

What happened downtown?

There's good news
and there's bad news.

The bad news is that the movie
company doesn't owe me

-any money 'cause I took a walk.
-Oh, dear.

What's the good news?

The good news is
that as of Monday

I am staring to rewrite

a screenplay
for a big budget movie.

Wonderful.

Who's in it? Your wife?

Bingo.

But you were going back to work
on your new novel.

That was the whole purpose
of the last movie you did.

To make the money so you could
write your new novel.

But I'm not getting
the money now.

Where will you be doing
this work?

Well, it's a rewrite.
I'll have to do it out there.

Why?

Because I'll be working on it
with the director.

But you'll need a secretary.

The studio'll give me one.
It's part of my deal.

But what happens to me?

You'll be here.
Taking care of my affairs.

I-- I'll keep paying you.

And where will you be staying
out there?

[SIGHS]

Actually,
I'll be staying with her.

With her?

Your wife?

Yeah.

That way I'll be able to see
the kid a little bit,

and I'll save on my hotel bill.

You both planned this together,
didn't you?

Don't be ridiculous.

Now, I know what you were doing
when you were making

all those phone calls
from the bathroom in the hotel.

I used the phone
in the bathroom

because I was in the bathroom,

and there was a phone
in the bathroom.

-I'm going with you.
-Hey! Hey! Hey!

I don't care if I have to stay
in a cheap motel,

-I'm going with you!
-Hey, hey!

And I'm working
as your secretary!

Whether you like it or not!

If you think I'm letting you out
of my sight, you're crazy!

I don't want you there, okay?

You work for me,
and I'm telling you,

your job is to stay here.
Period.

Now, we're both exhausted,
and we both need some sleep.

Now, it's five o'clock
in the morning and my head

-and I can't think straight!
-You don't want me there?

What I meant was,
I want you here.

You just said
you don't want me there.

I heard you say those words.

And no amount of jet lag
can explain

that little Freudian slip.
You're in trouble, mister.

You're in deep, deep shit.

May I speak to Sane Diane,
please?

Sane Diane would tell you
exactly the same thing!

[♪♪♪♪♪]

[SCREAMS]
How did I get into this?

You.

You got me into this,
you schmuck!

[DOOR CLOSING]

WOMAN: And where have
you been all this time?

Where'd you go?
Stop and pick up a sailor?

Go fuck yourself.

You're the one
who picks up sailors.

[BANGING ON DOOR]

Did you get me a pack
of cigarettes or did you forget?

No, I didn't forget!

I just decided not to.

And clean up that shit
house room of yours!

Every dress I buy you,
turns into a rug.

[CLATTERING]

Diane?

Diane, you okay?

Okay, play games.

[CLATTERING]

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

BUDDY: Hold on.

Hold, hold on.

Okay, I'm here.

JENNIFER: Congratulations.
I hear you got fired in Spain.

Wrong, I quit.

JENNIFER;
Well, good that you did!

I am so thrilled. You are
rewriting my first feature.

BUDDY: Okay, kid, I owe you one.

[SIGHS] I understand
that you took

Sicko the Secretary to Spain?

BUDDY:
She works for me, Jennifer.

How many times
do I have to tell you that?

[♪♪♪♪♪]

JENNIFER: You have to admit
that, by any standard,

the woman is a complete mental.

BUDDY: I don't care
what you think of her, Jennifer.

I actually love this girl.

It's not always easy
but there's someone very dear

and sweet in her,
who doesn't have a selfish

or mean bone in her body.

JENNIFER: But I love you, Buddy.

BUDDY: Sure, sure. But this
is in no sense a reconciliation.

I wanna make damn sure
you know that.

JENNIFER: I will avoid you
like the plague.

BUDDY: Now, I'm counting on you
to behave in an adult manner

in this situation, okay?

I'll let you know
my flight number

as soon as I get it. Bye.

JENIFER: Ciao.

Psst. Hey.

[♪♪♪♪♪]

Close the window.

BUDDY: We don't have
to whisper.

JAILBAIT: I don't want
my mother to hear.

I'm getting out.

I'm gonna take a cab
to my friend's house in Jersey,

and we're gonna go
to LA together.

BUDDY: Oh, outta sight.

JAILBAIT: But like I need
to borrow some money.

Could you lend me some
and I'll pay you back?

BUDDY: Yeah, no problem.

I just happen to have a lot
of cash left over from my trip.

Uh, listen, uh,
I'm gonna be in LA myself.

What I'm gonna do is, uh,

I'm gonna give you
my number out there.

It's my wife's house.

You call when you get out there
and leave your number.

Say you're with the Writer's
Guild Health Plan

and I'll call you back.

Here.

[CHUCKLES]

-You're such a babe.
-[CHUCKLES, GASPS]

-Ha!
-Oh, shit!

CRAZY DIANE: So, that's why
you told your wife

you weren't reconciling
with her,

because you want to screw
14-year-old girls instead!

Diane, please, open the door.

CRAZY DIANE:
I do not appreciate

being thrown over
and violated by immature,

insecure fools who cannot keep
their genitals covered,

when in the company of moronic
14-year-old Jailbait!

Why don't you go back
to the looney bin

and take my mother with you?

WOMAN: Dina,
are you down there?

Aw, shit, I'll call you.

-[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]
-Where's my daughter?

[THROUGH ELECTROLARYNX]
Oi vey.

Leave it, Mrs. Landesman.

I-- I'll be happy to pick it up
for you.

Oh, you are such a darling.

CRAZY DIANE: Darling?
That rotten piece of shit,

motherfucking cocksucker's
a darling?

Very nice, Diane.

You sound like the bag lady
from up the street.

Now, please, open the door
and let me in.

CRAZY DIANE: You were gonna
divorce her and marry me

and now you're...

Now, wait a minute,
I never said that.

-[DOOR OPENING]
-WOMAN: You.

You're behind this,
you son of a bitch.

Where did she go?

[DOOR CLOSES]

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

-[TELEPHONE RINGS]
-Hello?

Yeah, Jerry.

When do they want me out there?

I-- I could leave
tomorrow morning.

In fact, I'd like to leave
right now, but, uh...

Yeah. Uh. Hmm.

I'm taking one as we speak.
Dalmaid.

Put me out for about
eight hours.

Yeah. Well, uh, she can leave
word on my answering machine

which airline and what time.

You're a genius, Jerry.
See you tomorrow.

[CLATTERING]

[♪♪♪♪♪]

No. He took a pill.

He'll be asleep in minutes

and then when he's out cold,
he fries!

And they'll find us
in bed together.

Locked in an embrace of death!

[♪♪♪♪♪]

Diane, I know you can hear me.

I'm going to California
tomorrow.

But I have to straighten
this thing out between us first.

Please, get a good night sleep.

And then let's have breakfast
and talk in the morning, okay?

[PANTS]

-[CLATTERING]
-[SIGHS]

[GRUNTS]

[SIGHS]

May I ask what you think
you're doing?

Guess.

What about all the other people
in this building?

Who, that criminal upstairs
who gave birth

to that little bimbette?

Too bad the little slut
ran away from home!

I want those matches.

No!

Don't you wanna get even?

Don't you know
when you've been cheated

and conned and ripped off?

You're the one
that's always telling me

to wake up and smell the coffee!

Well, the coffee is burning,
can't you smell it?

Yes, and my heart
is broken in two.

Now, I'm not
burning down a building

full of innocent people.

There are other things
we can do.

Like what?

I've given it some thought.

I think there's something
much more Biblical we can do.

Such as?

Yes.

I'll do it.

[BUDDY SNORING]

[SNORING]

[SNORING]

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

BUDDY: It's your nickel.

RUTHIE: Hi, Buddy,
this is Ruthie

from Jerry's office.

I have you on TWA
flight number 8-15,

which leaves at 10:00 a.m.
tomorrow.

I'll call you in the morning
to make sure you get up in time.

I'll see you tomorrow.

[LINE BEEPING]

What the fuck?

It's nothing. Go back to sleep.

What? [GRUNTING]

Get outta here!
You goddamn crazy bitch.

Get the fuck out of my house,
and out of my life!

You're fucking fired!

Where do you think you're going?

-That's my business!
-I'm going with you!

-Oh, yeah?
-No!

Oh, my God, I'm stuck!
[GROANS]

Good. Stay there.

I hope you and that wall
are very happy together.

CRAZY DIANE: Oh, wait.
Please! I'm sorry.

I love you! Wait, please!
[SOBS, GRUNTS]

Wait!

Wait!

♪ For any job you've got to do♪

-♪ Don't get stuck♪
-♪ Get Perma Glue ♪

MAN OVER SPEAKER: That's right,
and if you've got that feeling

that things are coming unglued,

then Perma-Glue
is the glue for you.

Perma-Glue will bond anything
to anything

forever and ever.

Perma-Glue says it,
and makes it stick.

♪ For any job you've got to do
Get Perma Glue ♪

WOMAN: Welcome back,
and our next guest

is Diane Louis James,

who many of you may know
has written a huge bestseller

called Take That
which is now in its third?

-Fourth.
-Printing.

[APPLAUSE]
This is some book.

-This is some book.
-[CHUCKLES]

I couldn't put it down.
I read it last night.

Tell us a little bit about it,
Diane.

Well, I first started
having problems

when I was in college.

One day I would show up
and be brilliant in class,

the next day I would show up,
and for no discernable reason,

be totally disruptive.

And I would write
derisive things about

the professors in the margins
of the test papers.

[ALL LAUGH]

SANE DIANE:
So Radio City fired me.

And, of course,
I can't really blame them.

[MAN LAUGHS OVER TV]

But when the stage managers
would yell at me,

I would get even with them
by setting their cue sheets

on fire in the wastebaskets
of the dressing rooms.

And eventually they found out
who was doing it.

And the fire
department investigators

were brought into it
and it did get rather messy.

And my husband at the time was
a somewhat sleazy individual,

but he was the best I could do
in those days.

I had been meeting men
by sitting down on benches

in Central Park, next to men,

who were walking
thoroughbred dogs.

Because I felt
that was somewhat safe.

But when I got into
a terrible situation

with a very violent man,
who was walking a Yorkie,

which I later found out
he had stolen.

-So I had to stop that.
-[ALL LAUGH]

But for a time I was quite
madly in love with this man

who lived next door to me

on East 88th Street,
who was a writer.

And I learned a great deal
working for him.

Not just about writing,
but about managing one's talent.

And about how selling out
is a bad habit

that can be difficult to break
once you let yourself do it.

And on a personal level,
he turned out to be a coward.

Who really didn't trust his
emotions or better instincts.

So, I finally had to realize

I had no one to rely on
but myself.

And I began to write
about my life

and what I had been through.

WOMAN: Well, now
that you've had success,

real success, I understand
that you sold your book

to Hollywood,
but under the conditions

that you write
the screenplay yourself.

Yes, that's right.

WOMAN: Tell me,
do you ever think

you could ever act
that crazy again?

I honestly don't think
that's possible.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

♪ Some say I'm crazy
Well, maybe it's true ♪

♪ But the life I've had
You would be too ♪

♪ I've learned to be cold
And to be mean ♪

♪ But I'm just protecting
A heart they never see ♪

♪ Oh baby, when you love me
Oh I can't deny ♪

♪ You bring out the best
In me, myself and I ♪

♪ Those other women
They ain't no cure ♪

♪ No they can't give you
What you're looking for ♪

♪ 'Cause I got three women
Inside of me ♪

♪ Who wanna please you
You need no more of me ♪

♪ Oh baby, when you love me
Oh, oh, oh I can't deny ♪

♪ You bring out the best
In me, myself and I ♪

♪ Now, I ain't hiding
And I won't lie ♪

♪ I'm gonna tell the world
How I feel inside ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh when you love me ♪

♪ Oh, oh, I can't deny ♪

♪ You bring out the best
In me, myself and I ♪

[♪♪♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪♪♪]

♪ Some say I'm crazy
Well, maybe it's true ♪

♪ But the life I've had
You would be too ♪

♪ I've learned to be cold
And to be mean ♪

♪ But I'm just protecting
A heart they never see... ♪