Man of the Century (1999) - full transcript

[ Pipe organ playing ]

[ Horn honking ]

"Sun-telegram,"
please.

[ Bell rings ]

Come get your book.

It's Mr. Man wearing suit.

Go on, Mr. Suit man.
Big up, Mr. Suit man!

Oh, it's Mr. Man reading book.
He's a smart man.

He's a Mr. Book man.
Respect book man. Big up!

Good morning, Johnny.

I have some
goodies for you.



First, the latest
from the hit parade.

Then, the Jerome kern
song you requested.

♪ So, always look
for the silver lining... ♪

♪ And try to find ♪

♪ the sunny side of life ♪

Oh, fine.
Just fine, Victor.

Have the Rudolph friml
records arrived yet?

Oh, I'm expecting them
any day now.

Great. Will you
charge these
to my account?

Thanks, Victor.

Woman:
Look at this.
What is this?

This is boring.
I can't do anything with this.

When we agreed
to show you at the gallery,

your work was fresh
and exciting.



Like the grey series,
now that was really something.

[ Heavy accent ]
I don't feel
grey anymore.

I don't have
time for you

and your pretentious
artist bullshit.

I'm trying
to run a business.

I've a responsibility
to the owners of the ubuwa

to showcase important
New York artists.

And you've given me
nothing I can use.

Fabrice would never
treat me like this.

Never!

Well, then,
go back to fabrice.

But give me something
challenging.

Challenge me.

Good morning, Samantha.

How was the Van gogh
of noho?

The less said,
the better.

Man:
Telegram.

Telegram?

Are you
Samantha winter?

Mm-yeah.

Oh, sign here.

So, you live
around here?

"Dearest Samantha-- stop.

Let's hit the town tonight
and drag a sock-- stop.

Thinking of you-- stop.
Johnny."

Ah, why don't you respond
by pony express?

At least I have
a boyfriend, Richard.

Go ahead,
kick me while I'm down.

Hiya, ace.

Mother:
What have I told you?

Johnny?

Hiya, chief,
what's the lowdown?

Let's put this over.
Good morning, Ms. Moseley.

It's about
the government
cover-up story.

I can't wait
to start.

I've to give this
story to Murphy.

Great.
Hi, how are the kids?

Now you don't have
anything to do--

don't worry,
I've got a story
to whet your whistle.

Mr. Meyerscholtz,
I personally guarantee

we will scoop
the journal-American
on this one.

The journal-American?

Johnny, this is Timothy burns.

Hiya, tough guy,
your friends call you Timmy?

- Tim.
- Tim is the new
photographer.

Oh, you need
a ball of fire

to show this cake-eater
everything of a modern
newspaper.

Well, that's me all over.
Okay, timbo, here's what's what.

You're wet
behind the ears,

stick with me and
everything will be Jake.

You have
to be kidding.

Johnny, Johnny...

Johnny:
You and me,
we've to work together...

As a team. The reporter
and his photographer.

Like steak and eggs,
Montgomery and stone...

Laverne and Shirley.

Don't change
the subject.

Why, we'll be working
side by side.

Through long hours
into the night,

seven nights a week.

How'll your partner
feel about that?

You are my partner,
Tim guy.

No, are you
seeing anyone right now?

Well, there is a special
someone in my life.

A warm, tender
loving soul.

Not one of these
fly-by-night pippins.

I'm talking
the bee's knees--

Samantha.

Wait, you're
dating a Samantha?

I know what you're thinking,
every fellow needs a gal.

Even a hard working
newspaper man like myself.

- I just assumed--
- they thought Lindy was lucky.

I feel slap-happy
all over.

In just 27 days,
I've come to--

- 27?
- Grand and glorious days.

One whole month and I haven't
even gotten past first base.

I thought
you liked him?

I do like him.

So, what are you
waiting for?

I am not waiting
for anything.
I am ready.

He's charming
and considerate.

But you ain't
getting busy.

Exactly.

Samantha,
guys are stupid.

You've gotta give 'em directions
so they can find their way home.

You do, I mean,
hey, it goes without saying.

That's written.
That's a written rule.

Wait, where
are we going?

We're paying a call
on Samantha.

She works here?

Oh, don't look now.

It's zeppo Marx.

[ Samantha chuckling ]
Richard!

Samantha, dear,

I hope you don't mind
my visit here.

Of course not,
Johnny.

Gee, you look swell.

Oh, Samantha,
meet my new right arm.

What are you
doing here?

I'm working.

Prostituting
your talents
for a newspaper?

You know all about
prostitutes.

Oh, you two
know each other?

Johnny, i--

sorry to break the reunion.
We've got to take the air.

Timmy's got to get up to snuff
to be a big-time photographer.

So, be dolled up tonight.

I'll pop by around 9:00
and we'll go button shining.

[ Chuckles ]
Okay.

You're the limit.

[ Kiss ]

Something,
you knowing Richard.

Yeah, we live--
used to live together.

Roommates, huh?
Cut down on expenses.

That's using
the old noodle.

The money you save isn't worth
living with a drama queen.

Oh, so he's
a theatrical fellow?

You could
call it that.

I'd just say
he's burned up

that Samantha's gaga
for me instead of him.

What are you
talking about?

Some guys
are just lucky,
that's all.

I don't think so.

Samantha and I
are in seventh heaven.

You ready?

Johnny, please,
I know what I'm doing.

Now you're talking,
confidence.

Ladies and gentlemen...

Welcome to the opening of
the new gramercy park library.

[ Instrumental
"the library opening" plays ]

[ Applause ]

So, how does it feel?
First day on the payroll.

Great.

I still remember
my first assignment.

Exhilarating.

Dude, what's
your problem?

You cover some bullshit story,
you think it's Watergate.

This whole thing
is stupid.

Nobody reads
the "sun-telegram" anyway.

I just took this job
for the money.

Oh, I see.
You think the world
owes you a living.

You feel for that,
hook, line and sinker.

Why aren't there
goddamn taxis in this town?

This is a fine way
to treat a fella.

Tim! Timmy!

Can't you and me
get together?

Let's go to luncheon,
my treat.

Fine!

Let me just grab
a dim box.
[ Whistles ]

Oh, I'm so hungry I could
eat the hip off a horse.

I'll have the chopped beef
and onion with coffee.

Tim-Tim, order
whatever you want,

the sky's the limit.

I'll have a mixed green salad,
dressing on the side.

And an herbal tea.

You ought to have
some meat with food,

a growing boy like you.

- That stuff will kill you.
- Banana oil.

[Instrumental music]

Hey, baby.

You lost?

No.

Whatcha got there,
drugs?

Leave me alone!

Hey, get off of me!

[ Screaming ]

What are you doing? Leave it.
It's none of your business.

Hey, get off of me!

That's enough,
you two.

Mind your business,
"dick Tracy."

Oh, a wise guy.

I ought to send you
right out on your ear.

Put that away before I
shove it down your throat.

Let's go, bitch!

Hey, my bike!

Timmy, go find a flatfoot
to help this young lady.

A what?

Oh, yeah.

Some fellas think they
can get fresh with a girl.

Thank you,
so much.

Think nothing of it.

Those yellow bellied cads
needed a good slap.

You, um...

Um, aren't you
Johnny twennies?

You column really
inspires me.

Oh, is that
a fact?

Yeah. It helps me
get through the day.

What is it
you do exactly?

I deliver prescriptions
for this drug store...

But that's
only temporary.

I have plans.

Yeah. That's swell.

One day, I'm going to sing
at the metropolitan opera.

That sounds grand.
Where did you study?

- Well, I haven't exactly--
- oh, a natural, huh?

Do prefer singing
German or Italian?

I know
a little Spanish.

Well, I think you're
going places.

I've got a good feeling
about this one.

You do?

So, what composers
do you like?

Oh, all the biggies.
Irving Berlin,

Vincent youmans,
George gershwin,

how about you?

Verdi, puccini,
rossini.

Oh, you're like
my mother.

You go in for
the long-hair
stuff, huh?

Yeah, I guess so.

Ah, good work, Timmy.

Well, see you at
the opera, kid.

Woman:
Taxi.

Snap it up, tiny Tim.

We've got to
put this day to rest.

You're not finished yet?
You've got five minutes.

You wouldn't want
me to rush, boss,

I might make a mistake.

Where is
what's his name, Tim?

- Hey, Tim soldier?
- Is he any good?

He's an ace, boss.
We make a swell team.
Never you fear.

Here you go.

A library opening?

Sorry I took so long.

I had to get
the contrast right.

What the hell is this?

Come on, Timmy,
let's have it.

Have what?

What else you got?

The speaker?
The crowds, what?

No.

Are you
on the level?

You mean, you
stood there this afternoon

and didn't take
a single snapshot?

I took lots of shots.

But the lady,
the ribbon--

you're saying you missed
the slicing of the ribbon?

- Yes!
- Oh, why me?

This is a nice mess.

Your very first
assignment, a washout.

I'm not talking
through my hat...

You've to buckle down
and get corking

otherwise the world'll
pass you by.

- This was a big story--
- you know what, Johnny?

I'm a photographer,
an artist.

I don't need this
human interest bullshit.

So you can take your story,
and take your paper,

and take your ribbon,
and shove 'em up your ass!

Well, you gotta like
the kid's moxie.

This is all you need to know.
No fuckups this time.

Don't worry.

Don't tell me
"don't fucking worry."

It worries me.

Take it easy, tyrus.

Haven't I always
come through for you?

I'll believe when I see it

in fucking
black and white.

Hey, you, er...

You got any stuff?
'Cause I'm a little short...

...right now.

This is an advance.

Cool.

Who's next?

I've got two more.

"Newsday" and
"sun-telegram."

M'sieur twennies.
Wonderful to see you.

And who is
the lovely lady?

Samantha winter,
meet Francis.

It's nice
to meet you.

The pleasure is mine.

How's your mother doing?

Oh, just fine, Francis.
Thank you for asking.

[ Snaps fingers ]

If you just
follow Louie.

[ Band plays
"dancing in the dark" ]

Johnny,
you're looking good.

Hiya, Lester.

The usual, Louie.
This time for two.

Johnny,
this is wonderful.

Sure, it's the swellest
speak in town.

A toast.
To you, Samantha.

I went into this
with my eyes open,

and now I'm seeing
nothing but stars.

Oh, now I did it.
Excuse me, my darling.

I shan't be a moment.

- Hiya, Chester.
- Hello, Mr. Twennies.

Would you believe
what an oaf I am?

You nervous
or something?

As a matter of fact,
it's this girl.

I mean, blue plate special
all the way.

I don't wanna
gum up the works.

No, sir.

She's not one of those
everyday flappers.

She's like a held girl
from the cover of "smart set."

Bobbed hair
and chi-fa-fa
on the side.

I don't want her
to think I'm a rounder.

No problem.

Just look her in the eyes
and say "I'm crazy about you."

It worked for me
and Mrs. Chester.

Well, thanks.

Johnny, hey.
I haven't seen you
around the club lately.

Don't take it so hard.
I've got lots on my mind.

- Cigarette, Johnny?
- I'm loaded.

I get off
around 1:30.

Good for you
and 1:30.

I thought about
maybe having a drink.

Nothing doing.
Why don't you put in
with Joey varona?

He had eyes on you.

Are you kiddin'?
Joey's a pig.

Besides, he doesn't have
that adorable chin, either.

Alright,
none of that.
I'm taken, see?

Now, scram,
you ten-cent
glamour girl.

I have some herbal cigarettes,
too, Johnny.

So, who was that girl
you were talking to?

Just some dame.

Listen, sweetheart,

there's something
I want to tell you.

I'm crazy about you.

Yes?

Uh, let's say we
fidget the digit.

[ Band plays
"Mississippi mud" ]

And how about that Theodore
dreiser? What a writer.

Oh, I know who
you're talking about.
Theodore dreiser...

He was "Dr. Seuss, right?

Not sure.
Don't think
he was a doctor.

No, I'm pretty sure.
"One fish, two fish,

red fish, blue fish."

Then again,
he's no sinclair Lewis.

Well, here we are.

Yes, well,
goodnight.

Oh, ouch!
Ouch!
What is it?

I think
I twisted my ankle.
All that dancing.

Let me help you.
Everything's going
to be hunky-dory.

Ow!

See?
You're home free.

Um... help me
to the sofa.

Thanks, Johnny,
I'm so glad you're here.

Well, until tomorrow.

Uh... how about
a drink?

Oh, I'm not sure.

See? Your ankle's
almost better.

[ Romantic music plays ]

I only had
one clean glass.

So, we'll have
to share.

Maybe I should
take a rain check.

Uh, Johnny...
Can you undo me?

Oh, Johnny,
I want you.

That's funny.
Uncle Sam wants me.

I want my little gob,
everybody wants something.

[ Samantha screams ]

Samantha! I don't
know what to say?

What is it, Johnny.
Don't you like me?

Sure, I like you, baby.
You make me all goofy.

But this
is not decent.

Just tell me the truth.
What is really going on here?

I'm not exactly
sure of that myself.

Are you gay?

Of course I'm gay.
I'm gay as a day in may.

You know what I mean.

I mean, don't you
like girls?

Why sure I like girls.
I like all kinds of people.

I'm just good-natured.

Oh, my god.
I mean, that's cool.

It's just I never imagined...
So, you're bi?

Well, I'm by myself
most of the time,

except when I'm with you.

That's it, get out.

What is it, baby?
Ain't we got fun?

I just want you
to make love to me.

That's all I want
too, sweetheart.

That's it?

That's it.

I can't
do this anymore.

I've got to keep
some dignity.

May I call
on you tomorrow?

No!

[ Knock on door ]

We're here
to talk business.

Say, what's the gag?

We work for someone
who wants to make you
a proposal.

A proposal?

Sorry, but I'm already
spoken for.

Look, Johnny,
we know the kind of crap
you write in that paper.

What are you?
Maxwell Perkins?

Who's Maxwell Perkins?

There is no
Maxwell Perkins.

He's fucking with US.

So, who's
Maxwell Perkins?

Tomorrow you're going
to run a story that says,

"Elijah pitt,
drowned in the Hudson."

You got me
all wrong, brother.

I'm a newspaper man,
not an undertaker.

So fucking stubborn,
Johnny.

You're a Taurus, right?

Squid, please!

- I'm just saying--
- shut the fuck up!

You want me to
leave you alone

while you finish
this lover's quarrel?

I don't have time for
this bullshit.

What's your price?
Mr. Pitt is
willing to pay.

- Elijah pitt?
- Yeah, that's right.

Elijah pitt can
go suck a lemon.

Don't fuck
with Mr. Pitt!

Get your paws off me.
For two cents, i'd--

you'd what!?

That was fucking stupid.

Hey, don't you guys know
when you're being kidded?

Take it easy.

You'll get a square deal
from me, no fooling.

You'll do it?

Sure I will.

I just need to jot down
some particulars.

Fine.

Would you mind
handing me that
note pad?

Tell your boyfriend
to drop the pop gun

before somebody
gets popped.

Now, get smart.

Nobody's going to play me
for a sucker. See?

Climb back into
whatever hole you came out of

if I don't see you again
it'll be too soon.

Mr. Pitt won't
like this.

So far, I don't like
your Mr. Pitt, either.

Now beat it,
both of you.

What a day.

[ Instrumental music ]

[ Horn blows ]

Good morning,
master twennies.

Oh, Hastings!

[ Sighs ]

She's back?

Oh, dear.

Do you want
to call a taxi?

No need to, sir.

I brought the car.

Mother's car?

[ Instrumental music ]

I am having a dinner party,
tonight at 8:00,

where you will meet
a miss dottie lausenger,

a lovely
young debutante.

The lausengers and I
have decided

that a wedding
would be fortuitous.

Mother!

The lausengers are one of
the most important families

in New York.

But, mother,
I already have a girlfriend.

A "girl friend"?

How could you have
a "girl friend"?"

Do I know her?
Have I met her?

Who is she?

Her name
is Samantha.

Does she have
a last name?

Winter. Samantha winter.

Winter...

I never heard of them.

Mother.

- "Winter"...
- Mother.

"Winter"...

Not everyone is listed in
the social register, you know?

They do not exist.

For crying out loud, mother.
I'm crazy about Samantha.

I do not believe there is any
such person as Samantha winter.

You are simply trying to avoid meeting miss lausenger.

Apple sauce.

John!

Sorry, mother.

Why don't you bring
the alleged "miss winter"

this evening,
so I can meet her?

Fine.

Actually, I can't.

Why not?

Either you bring "miss winter"
to my dinner this evening,

or you shall be seated
next to miss lausenger tonight,

and every night
thereafter.

[ Instrumental music ]

Hello, Johnny.

Hiya, bartlett,
how's tricks?

Never better.

Hiya, Mike,
where's Timmy?

Haven't seen him.

Hey, Johnny,
there's a girl
here to see you.

Hiya, kid.
What's the angle?

Say, what's the matter,
something in your eye?

Johnny, I'm sorry. I didn't
know who else I could go to.

Here.

It can't be as bad
as all that.

It is. I lost my job
at the drug store.

The pharmacist blamed me
for the stolen bicycle.

So, that's what, huh?

I ought to give that guy
a sock in the nose.

Well, when you're given lemons,
make lemonade.

Come along, kid.

Everything's going to be
right as rain.

Ooh, just one second.

Yukon, 1927, please.

Uh, no.
Yukon, 1927.

Just give me
the ubuwa gallery.

The ubuwa gallery.

What am I,
Noah Webster?

Fine.

[ Telephone ringing ]

Excuse me.

Ubuwa.

Oh, it's you.

I know we're on the skids, I
wanna make it up to you.

Oh, is that right?

I want you
to meet my mother.

Your what?

Well, she's heard
so much about you.

Were you not listening
last night?

Did I not make it very clear
that this is not working out?

Well, I forgive you.

You forgive--?

Oh, alright.

You're a doll.

Johnny?

Gotta go.

Coming,
Mr. Meyerscholtz.

I'll be back
in a jiffy.

Johnny twennies,
what a fucking asshole.

Could you give me
the horoscopes?

What?

Johnny, this is
Mr. Harold durant.

He's the new owner
of the "sun-telegram."

Oh, glad to know you.

And Mr. Durant
has a two-year plan.

For putting
the "sun-telegram"
back on top.

Oh, that's telling 'em.

The point is....

Certain elements aren't
part of the plan.

And your column,

well, we need
the advertising space.

Johnny, I'm going to
have to let you go.

But you've still got
severance pay...

You've got 14 weeks
of vacation time coming
to you.

I'm sorry.

[ Telephone ringing ]

Listen, chief,
I'm a newspaper man.

Neither you nor some jelly
bean can take that away from me.

I've got a story
that's a panic.

It'll double your circulation,
triple it, even.

Johnny,
I don't know.

Oh, it's a yarn,
I tell ya.

I'm supposed to
avoid confrontations,

my therapist says.

Okay, Johnny,
you get one more chance.

You won't regret it.

But, if that story
isn't on my desk by 8:00,

I'll personally
come to your house
and strangle you.

Timmy, you're here.

I've to deliver
a story, or my goose
is cooked.

I came to pick up
my stuff.

- What do you mean?
- I'm quitting, Johnny.

- I'm through with this shit.
- Oh, so that's the game.

Throw in the towel when it
starts getting too rough.

I don't need
your deprecation.

Okay, Mr. Dictionary.
That's how you want to play?

Look, Timmy,
I'll level with you.

I'm onto a big scoop,
I need you
to do it right.

Forget it, Johnny.

This story'll
make your career.

How could you
walk away from that?

Watch me.

Okay, kid. Let US take
an ankle excursion.

Johnny, what a
pleasant surprise.

I didn't expect you
back here this week.

Unfortunately, the Rudolph friml
records have not come in yet.

That's fine.
Mr. Victor young,
I'd like you to meet Ms....

Clemens.
Virginia clemens.

Good day, Ms. Clemens.

Ms. Clemens needs
a break here.

I thought maybe you
could give her a job.

She's topheavy
with talent.

She knows bruckner from
brahms and everything.

Oh, I don't know.
My son helps out
during the day.

Oh, Milo.

Then again, Milo could
use some help.

Now you're talking.

See, kid? Looks like
things are looking up.

[ Piano playing ]

♪ Life was a song ♪

♪ you came along ♪

♪ I've laid awake ♪

♪ the whole night through ♪

♪ if I but dared ♪

♪ to think you cared ♪

♪ this is what ♪

♪ I'd say to yoo-hoo... ♪

Here, buy yourself
some singin' lessons.

[ Upbeat tempo ]

♪ Oh, honey you were
meant for me ♪

♪ and I was meant for you ♪

♪ nature fashioned you
and when she was done ♪

♪ you were all the sweet things
rolled up into one ♪

♪ you're like a
plaintive melody ♪

♪ that never lets me free ♪

♪ for I'm content
the angels must have sent you ♪

♪ and they meant you
just for me ♪

Hey, I'm a regular
arden and ohman.

Yeah, man.

[ Dixieland style jazz ]

[ Singing operatic style ]

An angel!

♪ You're like a
plaintive melody ♪

♪ that never lets me free ♪

♪ for I'm content
the angels must have sent you ♪

♪ and they meant you
just for me ♪

♪ oh, I'm content
the angels must have sent you ♪

♪ and they meant you
just for me. ♪

Bella, Bella!

My dear.
Where do you perform?

- Where?
- Nowhere.

Nowhere?
A catastrophe.

But soon to be mended.

I beg your pardon,
but I am senor navarro.

You've heard of me?

Oui!

And I'm here in your country
to discover talent...

To sing at la scala.

You must, you must
audition for me
this very day.

Really? Do you
really mean that?

Do i-- do i--
do i-- do I?

Bella, Bella, Bella.

Beautiful.

I want you to come to my
suite at the Milton Plaza
at 3pm sharp.

[ Popping sounds ]
Ciao!

Bella, Bella, Bella,
Bella, Bella...

Ah, you're on
your way, pidge.

Johnny, thank you
so much for everything.

All in a day's work.

Young love.

Tough luck.

Hey, Johnny.
Remember US?

Does a banker
remember a bad check?

Mr. Pitt has decided to
renegotiate your contract.

You write the story,
he lets you live.

There's a deadline.

Listen, you fucking
piece of shit!

If this doesn't
go like clockwork,

I'll permanently
fuck you up.

You got that?

You keep riding me
like this,

you're going to have
to pay the fare.

Motherfucker!

Okay, Johnny,
no more games.

Either write
the fucking story...

- Yes! Yes!
- What?

Are you going to write
the goddamn story or not?

Yes!

Good.

First I need
a meeting with Mr. Pitt.

What the fuck for?

To give the story
a sense of reality.

No meeting, no dice.

Fine.

White knuckle bar, 5:00.

And Johnny...

I hope you told your
girlfriend you love her,

because if you
try anything,

I'm going to skull-fuck her
until she cries "hail Mary."

Don't you touch her.

You got a lot
of anger issues.

The use of negative space

has been prevalent in
his work since the mid '80s.

This represents his
most recent developments.

As a matter of fact,

in last month's
"art digest"--

excuse me
one moment.

Johnny, what are
you doing?

I'm incognito.

- Hey, Johnny.
- Rats.

Samantha,
about tonight--

I know. I'm sorry
to snap at you earlier.

I've been a little...
Tense lately.

- I can't make it tonight.
- What?

I think it's best if we
call the whole thing quits.

What?!

You called in morning
to beg for my forgiveness,

and now
you're dumping me?

I think you owe me
an explanation.

It's for your
own protection, see?

I'm being chiseled by these
mobsters and I'm afraid your
life may be in danger.

This is complete
bullshit.

If you're seeing
someone else,
just tell me.

You don't have to make up
some stupid story.

Samantha! I can't believe
you'd suggest such a thing.

I'm on the up and up.

Honest Indian, I'm heading
for the police right now.

Well...

Goodbye.

What's it this time?
Aa meeting?

He's being chased
by the mob.

That's points
for originality.

What's up with him?

I don't know,
but I'm going
to find out.

[ Instrumental music ]

[ Music continues ]

[ Mills brothers singing
"diga diga doo" ]

♪ Zulu man is feelin' blue ♪

♪ hear his heart beat
a little tattoo ♪

♪ diga diga doo,
diga doo doo ♪

♪ diga diga doo,
diga doo ♪

♪ you love me
and I love you ♪

♪ and when you love
it is natural to... ♪

♪ Diga diga doo,
diga doo doo ♪

♪ diga diga doo,
diga doo ♪

♪ I'm so very
diga diga doo by nature ♪

♪ if you don't say
diga diga ♪

♪ to your mate you're
gonna lose a papa ♪

♪ so let those funny people
smile ♪

♪ how can there be
a virgin isle ♪

♪ diga diga doo,
diga doo doo ♪

♪ diga diga doo,
diga doo ♪

[ Song continues ]

[ Song continues ]

[ Police radio ]

Can you help me, miss?
I'm buying a gift.

He likes
classical music.

Well, if it's
someone you know,
but don't like,

get him Wagner.

If it's someone you like,
but don't know,

get him schubert's
trout quintet.

And if it's
someone you like,

but would like to
get to know better...

- Well...
- Yes?

There's only one choice.

Chopin's
piano concerto no. 2.

You know how
sometimes there's
things you want to say

but can't quite
say them?

Well, this music
speaks the feelings

you wish you were
able to say.

Really?

It's like
Johnny twennies column
in the "sun-telegram."

He says,
"act first and have
second thoughts second."

I never thought of it
like that.

I'll take it.

Oh! Mr. Young,
I have to get ready
for my audition.

Break a leg.

[ Crashing sound ]

Not you, Milo!

Let's not go through
this again, Richard.

You said you wanted a change,
but you said "temporary."

This does not look
very temporary to me.

This is what
you wanted, remember?

Why does everything
have to be an issue?

It's not an issue,
it's a discussion.

Banana oil!

- What did you say?
- Nothing.

Just finish packing.

I don't want to.

Don't start, Richard.
This is hard enough, okay?

Look...

It doesn't have
to be like--

[ buzzer sounds ]

Go.

Hiya, timrod.
Mind if I come in?

Johnny, now is not
the best time.

Listen, I'm in a pickle.

I tried to go to the cops,
but they're no help.

I already
told you I quit.

I heard you the first time,
you don't have to shout.

Richard, what are you
doing here?

Moving day.

Johnny, please.

Seriously, Timmy,
one favor, and I'll get.

For old times' sake.

"Old times"?

Don't expect him
to remember old times.

He has
a short-term memory.

Look, we tried, okay?

We said this was
going to be a trial.

A trial
by Franz kafka.

Just... get your
stuff and go.

Here's what's what.

I'm to meet mob boss at 5:00,

I want you to take some
pictures of him,

but on the sly.

- "Mob boss"?
- That's the idea.

Do you spend
all day watching
old movies on cable?

Do you even
get cable?

Sure, I get cables
all the time.

Why, just last week--

I don't know,
it sounds like

pulitzer prize
material to me.

That's the spirit.

Alright,
I'll do it.

Atta-boy! Now here's
how we make it stick.

Lady, the meter's
running.

Shut up.

[ Instrumental music ]

Follow that cab!

You've got
to be kidding.

Follow the goddamn cab!

[ Instrumental music ]

Hiya, kid!
You're looking great!

You think so?

Sure. Why, I bet you must have
oodles of gentlemen callers.

Now, don't tell me there isn't
some fella who's stuck on you.

Well, there's someone
I sort of like.

Well, that's
just ducky.

May I help you?

I'm Virginia clemens,
I'm here to audition
for Mr. Navarro.

Senor navarro
will see you now.

Hiya, big guy.
Circus in town?

Who are you,
the agent?

Me? No, I'm just
an interested party.

I'm Maurice,
senor navarro's associate.

This way, please.

Virginia:
Thank you.

"Interested parties"
wait in here.

I got you.

Care for some tea?

I'll have
if you are.

One lump,
or two lumps?

Oh, no. I'm not
falling for that bit.

- Cream.
- As you like it.

Ah, a Shakespeare maven.

Measure for measure,

I take the bard over
these modern poets.

I'm with you, bub.

Take t. S. Eliot for example.

He's got the technique,
but it just doesn't have

the spark as, say,
"the merchant of venice."

Whoa, that one gives me
the willies.

You and me both, brother.

"The crow doth sing
as sweetly as the lark,

when neither is attended,
and I think the nightingale,

if she should sing by day,

when every goose is cackling,
would be thought

no better a musician
than the wren."

That goes
double for me.

[ Horn blaring ]

[ Faint screams ]

Hey, Maurice,
speaking of singing,

how come
I don't hear any?

Don't worry.

Momentarily, she'll be
singing like a canary.

Is that so?

Maybe I'd better check,
how they're making out in there.

That's not such
a good idea.

Maybe they need
a piano player.

Senor navarro
has his own "pianist."

[ Chuckling ]

[ Faint screams ]

That's my cue!

[ Techno music playing ]

My goodness!

Johnny!

Hey, Johnny,
we're working on
her Bella, Bella--

what are you doing?

When you get slapped,
you'll take it and like it.

She-she make me
wear this.

Wait!

"All's well
that ends well," baby.

♪ Ridi, pagliaccio... ♪

[ Weeping ]

Don't take it so hard, kid,
there'll be other breaks.

[ Sniffling ]
I know.

[ Instrumental music ]

I can't fucking
believe this.

Yeah, yeah.
$47.30.

God, I love New York.

Gibson, please.

Hey, stranger,
buy me a drink?

Jack on the rocks.

So, where were you
this afternoon?

Ah, I'm sorry,
do I know you?

Do you know me?

[ Camera clicking ]

Where were you
this afternoon?

Johnny:
Er... i-i-i--

I don't remember.
Here and there.

Oh, really?

So, how are the rooms
at the Milton Plaza?

What? Um, I hear
they're very nice.

Can I get another,
please?

What are you
doing tonight?

I already told you,

I'm having dinner
with my mother.

With your mother--?

Oh, right...
Your "mother."

Hi, Samantha.

Well, did you get 'em?

No problem.
It was kind of
cool, actually.

Good work, timbuktu.
I'm proud of you.

See you tonight?

8:00,
with the prints.

What's going on?

Would you quit asking
fool questions?

- Not until you tell the truth.
- I did tell you.

You expect me
to believe that crap?

I don't want them
to hurt you.

- Oh, great.
- Listen, poopsie...

I'm in a real fix. See?

You don't like story,
I've another,
but the truth is the truth.

I think we really
had something.

But now I'm swimming in barrel
of trouble, and I'm not
gonna get you dunked.

Get wise and make off
like I never talked to you.

- Another!
- No more for her, she's flush.

Here, put her in a cab.
Would you, pal?

[ Instrumental music ]

♪ Tell US, senorita,
do they grow ♪

♪ any more like you...
Down in Mexico ♪

♪ that is something we should
like to know... ♪

♪ For in case they do... ♪

♪ There, we'll have to go... ♪

♪ Though love in Spanish
we can't discuss... ♪

♪ Please don't be
clannish with US ♪

♪ senorita, harken to our
plaintive serenade ♪

♪ fascinating maid ♪

♪ wonderful juanita... ♪

♪ Dark-eyed senorita... ♪

♪ Blushing, tropic,
Rose so divine ♪

♪ could you learn
to be a clinging vine? ♪

♪ Never was so sweet-a... ♪

♪ Maid as you, juanita... ♪

♪ My heart beating,
keeps repeating ♪

♪ when will juanita be mine? ♪

♪ Dance for US, senorita! ♪

What's buzzin', cousin?

You know why
you were summoned?

Gimme three guesses.

You have consistently disrupted
our business endeavors...

...frustrated our
smuggling efforts
and refused our bribes...

Now you must pay.

Can you break twenty?

Samantha:
Johnny!

♪ Wonderful juanita... ♪

♪ Dark-eyed senorita... ♪

♪ Blushing, tropic,
Rose so divine ♪

♪ could you learn
to be a clinging vine? ♪

♪ Never was so sweet-a... ♪

Johnny!

Johnny!

[ Instrumental music ]

[ Grunting ]

[ Dramatic music ]

[ Screams ]

Say, what's the idea?

You fucked up,
Johnny.

Let me loose.

We tried to be reasonable,
we asked you nicely.

But you had to make things
fucking difficult.

So we brought you
a little something.

What did you do,
snatch a Venus de Milo?

Even better.

Johnny, if you don't write
the goddamn article,

I'm going to blow
a fucking hole through
your girlfriend.

Well, you're going to need
pretty good aim.

What the fuck
you talking about?

I'm going to shoot your
goddamn girlfriend, Johnny.

That's not my girlfriend.

That's not
your girlfriend?

I thought that was
your girlfriend?

No, she's not.
That's Virginia.

- Your girlfriend.
- No.

Then who the fuck's
your girlfriend?

- Samantha!
- Who's this?

- Virginia.
- Who's Samantha?

- My girlfriend.
- Who is this tied-up bitch?

- That's Virginia.
- Shut up!

Who the fuck's
Samantha?

[ Touch tones ]

Are you okay?

[ Ringing ]

What, no luck?

Lost the trail.

Have you seen Tim?
I'm really worried
about him.

Yeah, he was with Johnny,
chasing invisible bogeymen.

[ Continues ringing ]

What kind of moron doesn't
have an answering machine?

Maybe you should go home
and get some rest.

[ Gunshot ]

Shut the fuck up,
and start typing.

Alright, you got me.

I know when I'm licked.

This "k" is broken.

- So don't use "k."
- Don't use "k"?

- Fuck you!
- Type!

How do you spell "pitt"?

Two ts.

Just one thing, fellas,
you may want to know...

My partner, Timmy, has some
cute snapshots of your boss

that go to press tonight.

God-fucking-damn it!

God-fucking-damn it!

You're fucking dead.

You're dead.

Sure, go ahead.
But then you'll never
stop those photos.

And we know how camera-shy
your Mr. Pitt is.

But I'm not unreasonable.

Tell Mr. Pitt I want to
renegotiate my contract.

He gets the photos
if he lets her go.

I thought she wasn't
your fucking girlfriend?

Haven't you lowlids
ever heard of chivalry?

Mmm...!

We'll talk to Mr. Pitt.

Don't go anywhere.

Hey, baby, how ya' doing
this fine evening?

[ Chuckling ]

It's cool.

[ Muffled shouting ]

Well, no use
sitting here.

What would the great Houdini
do in a situation like this?

Hey, get a load of that.

Well...

Johnny, what's going on?
Who are those guys?

Just a couple of hoodoos
trying to put one over.

Let's beat it, kid,
before those jailbirds
come home to roost.

Shouldn't we go
to the police?

Sure thing, kid.
But first...

I got a dinner date.

So, how do you enjoy
barnard, dottie?

It sucks.

The Columbia boys seem to have
quite a team this season, hm?

Whatever.

[ Ring bell ]

[ Whispering ]

Are you alright,
Mr. Pitzer?

What?

Are you alright?

Oh, I'm sorry.
My eyes are a little dry.

Oh.

Ugh!

Hiya, Hastings.
Where's mother?

Why, she's-- she's--

does somebody
actually live here?

Indubitably.

Evening, all.
I apologize for
my tardiness,

but the work of the modern newspaperman is never through.

Mr. and Mrs. Lausenger,
my son, John.

John, I'd like you to meet
Mr. and Mrs. Lausenger.

And their lovely
daughter, dottie.

Good evening.
Call me Johnny.

Mr. and Mrs. Pitzer,

I'd like you
to meet my son, John.

John, this is
Mr. Jaffrey pitzer
and his wife.

Mr. Pitzer is the district
attorney of New York.

Oh, have I got
a surprise for you.

Really?

And of course, you know
the reverend sheehan.

- Hiya, rev.
- Johnny.

[ Doorbell rings ]

That must be
for me.

Hastings will
attend to it.

Hiya, Lester.
How are you?

Fine.

That's great.
Come on in.

Hiya, fellas,
thanks for stopping by.

Just set up
any old where.

Hey, how are you?

Do you know
these artists?

It's okay, Hastings.
They're with me.

I'll lock up
the silver.

Well, the party
ain't over yet.

I brought some after dinner
entertainment.

The Cleopatra four,
plus two.

They may not be a
theater guild attraction,

but they sure can
wang-doodle.

[ Doorbell rings ]
Excuse me, won't you?

- John?
- I shan't be a minute.

Well...

Take a load off,
Hastings, I got it.

I say,
master twennies,

I've been
answering that door
for some 47 years.

So, take the night off,
you deserve it.

Timbo! Victor? Milo?
What are you doing here?

Johnny,
they're here!

The Rudolph friml records.

We decided to
deliver them personally.

Milo!

Here, let me
help you.

[ Sighs ]

[ Violin playing ]

Thug #1:
Look, I don't know
where pitt is.

What am I,
his babysitter?

Goddamn it!
Mother--

fucking write...

The fucking story!
Fuck you, man!

Write the fucking story!

Fuck!

Johnny:
"Dear, fellas,

sorry I couldn't stay,
but I had a prior engagement.

If you need me, I'll be
at the following address..."

Please, Johnny,
sit down.

We haven't had a chance
to speak this evening.

[ Doorbell rings ]

Have another old fashioned, rev.
I'll be back.

Oh, but i--

well, of all the--

- Timmy!
- Twennies!

Ahh!

Can't you read
a goddamn clock?

I put myself on the line,
and you don't deliver.

I'm hanging by
a thread here, Johnny.

As soon as Timmy gets here,
you'll have it. Word of honor.

- This better be worth it.
- Oh, it is.

[ Doorbell ringing ]

Ah-ha!

Alright, Hastings,
you beat me that time.

That is because
I am a professional.

Ah-ha!

That's him.

He's the one!

I say, my good man,
what is this accusation?

Oh!

He's the one here.
Him, here.

You, you...

He's-a
broke my nose.

Look, fella,
don't get all burned up.

He's-a broke my
beautiful Roman nose.

Officer,
arrest that man.

He's the man
who tried to make me

undo his zipper
with my teeth!

Oh, no, no!

Navarro:
Oh! My back!

He's-a broke my back!

Johnny!
Where's Tim?

That's what
I'd like to know.

Isn't he supposed
to be here?

You're telling me.

Mr. Twennies,

just stopped by to see how
everything went last night.

How's that?

With your lady friend.

Did you say,
"I'm crazy about you?"

Come on in, Chester.
Have a soda pop.

[ Doorbell ]

[ Winded ]
I followed the band
all the way here.

I had to see you.

Listen, sister,
we've been through all that.

Why don't you take a cold shower
and hit the Springs alone?

Johnny, what would you
like US to play?

Something snappy, Lester.

Where's your partner?

- Timmy!
- Where?

Oh--!

Master twennies,
shall you be serving

vintage wine to your
guests this evening?

Table wine and
cocktails, Hastings.

Very good, sir.

Find a hubby,
you dizzy dame!

Johnny,
my deepest apologies
for Milo's clumsiness.

He gets excited,
you see?

He does so love
the vagabond king.

That's understandable,
Victor.

I kill you!

Get a hold
of yourself!

Where is Tim man!

Timmy, finally.
You got it?

Yeah, right here.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm okay.

- Well?
- Have no fear, Mr. M.

Your Patience
will be rewarded.

We've got a story
that's big.

I'm talking the hippodrome
of news articles.

It'll put the "sun-telegram"
back on top where it belongs.

Not just the number one
daily in New York,

but in america.

Yes, yes, yes.
Where is it?

Up here, boss.
Up here.

Johnny, Johnny,
what are you
doing to me?

Take it easy, chief. Give me
fifteen. You'll get your story.

Hastings!

Get me a typewriter, some paper,
and a bourbon, on the double.

A double, sir?

No, a single,
but on the double.

On the rocks, sir?

- Just get me a drink.
- Very good, sir.

Mr. District attorney,
come on in here.

I believe this will
interest you as well.

Quiet everybody,
please, please.

- Johnny...
- Not now, Timmy.

I'm sorry, sir.
This is all we have.

Thanks, Hastings.

- Johnny!
- Save it, Tim-wit.

Ladies and gentlemen,
tonight you are to be privileged

with a story
that will appear

in tomorrow morning's
"New York sun-telegram."

My partner,
Timothy burns and I,

are about to print
the very first pictures

of the notorious criminal
Elijah pitt.

What?!

Let me see those.

- Sure thing, Mr. D.A.
- Johnny!

Well, Timmy, this is a picture
of the d.A., jaffrey pit--

...zer.

You... give me
those pictures.

Listen, mister! The jig is up.

Now it's time
for you to pay your debt.

[ Door opens ]

Tyrus, squibb!
Kill him!

Ah...

Fuck!

We gotta--

how's that
icy mitt fit ya?

They had one earful
too many of your bunk,
I'd imagine.

Who do you think
you are?

This city is for
decent folks,

and won't tolerate
a brush-ape like you
any longer.

If you think that's
a bunch of hokum,

just wait until you read
tomorrow's headline.

[ Applause ]

Shit!

Take that and
print it, Mr. M.

Johnny,
you're the best.

John twennies...

Oh, you're so good.

What is the meaning of this?
Who are all these people?

They were not invited.

Mother, when i'm
in the swim,

I want to be
with goldfish.

Come back to
the table this instant

and sit next to
dottie lausenger.

This is most
embarrassing.

I'm sorry, mother...

I can't sit next
to dottie lausenger

when my heart belongs
to Samantha winter.

- Is this--
- Samantha? Well, no.

Well, that's...
Virginia.

Well, what do you know?

Why don't you come back
to the club with me?

Oh, not this?

No, this isn't Samantha either,
this is, well--

[ doorbell rings ]

Hit the road, small change,
you're cramping my act.

Good heavens!

Samantha.

Mother:
Oh, my!

Mother, meet
Samantha winter.

This is the girl
of my dreams,

and she's the one
I want to marry.

That is,
if she'll have me.

I-- uh...

I don't blame you for being sore
at me, dearest.

I gave you the brush-off,
and I'm sorry.

I was only
looking out for you.

Oh, Johnny.

Hit it, boys.

[ Uptempo jazz ]

♪ Fellas, if you're on ♪

♪ I can spin a yarn ♪

♪ that was told to me
by able seaman Jones ♪

♪ once he had the blues ♪

♪ so he took a cruise ♪

♪ far away from night clubs
and from saxophones ♪

♪ he said, yo-ho,
I made a certain port ♪

♪ and when you talk about
real he-man sport... ♪

♪ Hot ginger and dynamite ♪

♪ there's nothing
but that at night ♪

♪ back in Nagasaki
where the fellas chew tobaccy ♪

♪ and the women
wicky wacky woo ♪

♪ the way
they can entertain ♪

♪ would even hurry
a hurricane ♪

♪ back in Nagasaki
where the fellas chew tobaccy ♪

♪ and the women
wicky wacky woo ♪

♪ in fujiyama
you get a mama ♪

♪ and then your
troubles increase ♪

♪ in some pagoda,
she orders soda ♪

♪ the earth shakes milk shakes,
ten cents apiece ♪

♪ they kissy
and huggy nice ♪

♪ by jingo,
it's worth the price ♪

♪ back in Nagasaki
where the fellas chew tobaccy ♪

♪ and the women
wicky wacky woo ♪

♪ with an ice cream cone
and a bottle of tea ♪

♪ you can rest all day
by the hickory tree ♪

♪ when the night comes round
oh, gosh, oh, gee... ♪

♪ Mother, mother, mother
pin a Rose on me ♪

By chance,
could you be
an actress, hm?

I'm a model slash actress.

[ Uptempo jazz ]

How would you like to be in
Roman polanski's new movie?

♪ Oh, sweet kimona
I pulled a boner ♪

♪ kept it up
at high speed ♪

♪ I got rheumatics,
and then sciatics ♪

♪ of halitosis,
that's guaranteed ♪

♪ you must have to
act your age ♪

♪ or wind up
inside a cage ♪

♪ back in nagasack... ♪

♪ Well, the fellahs
chew toback... ♪

♪ And the women
wicky wack... ♪

♪ And the women
wicky wack... ♪

♪ And the women
wicky wacky woo...! ♪

I'm crazy about you.

[ Instrumental music ]

[ Music continues ]

[ Music continues ]

[ Music continues ]

[ Instrumental music ]

♪ Somethings are
not meant to be ♪

♪ and soon will vanish
like an old melody ♪

♪ the stories we read of
and take no heat of ♪

♪ they all of them
pass so wave ♪

♪ but the twenties
are here to stay ♪

♪ When lamp lights
are burning low ♪

♪ our tribulations fade
like some passing show ♪

♪ a heart burning passion ♪

♪ the flashiest fashion ♪

♪ will suddenly seem blase ♪

♪ though the twenties
are here to stay ♪

♪ my dear when we
are dancing together ♪

♪ don't fear that
it's soon will be dawn ♪

♪ although we shall
not be together ♪

♪ the moment lives on ♪

♪ like ships that
pass in the night ♪

♪ our love is briefed here ♪

♪ but ever so right ♪

♪ remember the fiend dear ♪

♪ lives but a dream dear ♪

♪ no matter what people say ♪

♪ the twenties
are here to stay ♪

[ Instrumental music ]

♪ For love maybe fleeting ♪

♪ I'll keep repeating ♪

♪ the twenties
are here to stay ♪♪