Lowdown Dirty Criminals (2020) - full transcript
Have you ever had
one of those days
where everything
just turns to shit?
This is one of those.
I'm Freddy, by the way.
This is The Upholsterer.
She doesn't just cut up foam
and leather and shit.
I've seen the real reason she's
called what she's called.
This is Mr Spiggs.
Once upon a time,
I thought he was cool.
This is Semo.
In another life,
we might have been mates.
Not today.
This is Roy.
The dude must be on meth
cos he's psycho.
I'm here for this fulla...
my boy Marvin.
I've known him forever,
and we'd do anything
for each other.
Which is why I'm here
with a gun in each hand
and a naked Samoan.
Semo, how did Freddy
get a gun?
And why can I see
your genitals?
- Fucking Roy's fault.
- Eh?
I'm pretty sure I know
what you're thinking,
and if I wasn't concentrating
so hard on what to do next,
I'd be thinking
the same thing.
How the hell did we
end up in this mess?
Good question.
This is where it all started.
It was a simple job,
just pick up a cake.
But me and Marv,
we had big ideas.
We've got his cake.
That's all we had to do, right?
I think we should do it.
- What, bail?
- Nah. This.
Don't you think?
Nah, yeah, bro, like I said,
we're here now, so...
Exactly.
When we pull off maybe
a couple of others like this,
he has to take notice of us.
This is how we get a rep.
And then we, like, move on up
to the real money, bro.
Like, you know, this is how
Barry and Dean got started.
Dude, they get a cut
of whatever they sell.
Fuckers are totally
rolling in it.
That's where we wanna be.
Right?
High on the hog.
Hells yeah, bro.
High on the hog!
Whoa, whoa, hold up.
Actually, when you
really think about it,
this isn't where
it all started.
Check us out
looking all staunch.
Truth is we're about
to shit our pants.
♪ You got to know
to understand ♪
♪ Baby, take me by my hand ♪
♪ I'll lead you to
the promised land ♪
♪ You got to know ♪
Oh.
- Pizza?
- Awesome.
Cash or card?
Oh, nah, you were more
than 20 minutes,
so that means it's free.
- But I'm not late.
- 21 minutes. Sorry.
No.
But I still don't have it,
so that means you are late,
so... can I...?
Everything OK, hon?
Are you gonna give me
my pizza or what?
Well, it's timed from
order to door.
No money, no pizza.
Stop doing that.
I don't like it.
- What?
- Fuck off, you perv.
Whoa, bro, I'm not
doing anything to you.
You're undressing me
with your eyes.
What's going on, babe?
I'm hungry.
He's undressing me
with his eyes.
- That's not cool, brother.
- Hey.
Can I just get my $19.50,
please?
- He's still doing it.
- He is too.
- You're a little skank!
- I'm not!
He's undressing you now,
babe.
You little tart.
- You're unbelievable!
- Oh, come on.
You know what,
pizza's on me.
Oi!
Get him, babe!
- Get him! Smash him!
- Oi! You little shit!
Oh, meat lovers.
- Hey, get back here!
- Fuck!
OK, oi!
- Leave it!
- Shit!
That's disrespectful!
Come here!
Come here! Come here!
Oh, playing hide and seek?
Hey, unlock the door.
Oi!
C'mon, cuz.
Shit.
Shit.
Hey, boss.
- Eh?
- I can see you.
Nah, nah, nah, he lied
so he didn't have to pay.
Oh, shit!
You prick!
No, not you.
No, I wasn't late.
What noise?
- What, bring in the car?
- Why'd you be like that?!
Hey, Glen.
Is, um...?
Cool.
I'm...
I'm over it, bro.
I work as many hours
as anyone else,
but I'm always broke.
It's all just...
Bullshit.
Now,
we've always said
one day
we'd be high on the hog...
moneys and honeys.
Still can be.
How?
Oh.
Nah.
I'm already in the door,
bro.
You could be too.
Not happening.
Nobody who ever worked
an honest job
ever got high on the hog.
It's been, like,
scientifically proven, bro.
Dude's a player.
The real deal.
So, you know,
just come meet him.
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Oh yeah ♪
♪ I'm gonna love you
till the morning ♪
♪ Love you all night through ♪
♪ Love is what we have ♪
♪ We'll have no ending ♪
♪ It's the way we want it too ♪
♪ Oh, don't tell no one
about us ♪
♪ I can't say but then I do... ♪
Marvin tells me you've got
previous experience
working in bars.
Freddy and me worked together
in this...
Sorry.
Tell me, why the fuck you
wanna work here for?
Uh...
Well, Marvin said
you paid good, and...
I'm sick of being broke.
And I don't wanna be delivering
pizzas forever.
I want more, you know.
In prison camps
in the American Civil War,
there was a line,
and if a prisoner crossed
that line,
he was shot.
That line was called
a deadline.
I always liked that word.
Deadline.
Meaning's changed since.
But with some deadlines,
there's always a risk
that once you cross over it,
you may never come back.
You want a job?
You convince me.
You got 10 seconds.
Nine.
- Um...
- Eight.
Wait, what do you want
me to do?
Seven.
Six.
Five.
Four.
Three. Two.
Ooh.
One.
Is it loaded, Freddy?
This gun loaded, Freddy?
N-No, no, no!
Pulls a bit to the left.
Something I should know
about you, Freddy?
A pizza guy was
robbed a while back.
So now I use that...
as protection.
It's my dad's.
Does he know
that you've got it?
Nah.
You stole your old man's gun?
Well,
it was,...
you know,
left to me, so...
He got, like, attacked
on the job.
He drove cabs.
Attacked?
Stabbed, actually.
You know, I think there
might be a place for you
and your little gun
in this fine
establishment of mine.
What do you say?
Right here.
Pretty safe to say that
right here is where
the whole mess began.
I should have said,
"Can I think about it?"
But I wanted into that world,
so I was all like,...
"Hells yeah, Mr Spiggs!"
♪ The things that
you want to do ♪
♪ I know something is up ♪
♪ Something ♪
Awesome.
Now we're all caught up.
Let's get back to the alley,
the car
and that bloody cake.
No way.
- Why not?
- It's a shit idea.
Let's just stick to the plan,
OK?
Let's go. Open it.
Is that a flare gun?
N-No.
Open it.
Wait, wait, wait.
Wait, nah, nah.
- Nah, hold on.
- What are you doing?
Put it up.
We can't show weakness.
Bro, how much
is in the till?
Three-hundred cash,
give or take.
And how much is in that?
Thousands.
Maybe tens of thousands.
See, bro,
tens of thousands.
Rob the ATM?
How?
- Can you open it?
- Only the security company can.
Let's just take
the three-hundy.
Bro, why settle for peanuts
when we can just rip
it out of the wall?
- Dude, you can't.
- Yeah, you can.
YouTube...
I've seen these epic fails
with dudes trying to do it,
and... it just can't be done.
Yeah, but did they
have a Sharon?
- What?
- The Shazza.
Oh, the...
That's the second
dumbest idea
you've ever had.
- Listen to me, man.
- Seriously, bro.
- Look...
- Seriously!
- One scratch on her...
- Oh, bro, it's OK.
- ...he'll kill us!
- It's OK!
- No fucking way in hell!
- That's...
Whatever damage
we do to the Sharon,
we can fix
using the ATM cash.
And think about it,
what's gonna impress him more...
robbing a place like this
or robbing a bank?
Kind of.
And, dude,
you can put your
hands down now.
- You got a family?
- Yes.
- Kids?
- Six.
- Damn!
- Seriously?
Wow.
And, what,
if we steal from you,
they'll be left with nothing
but 2 Minute Noodles, right?
Noodles if they're lucky.
See, bro?
Think of the kids.
Oh man.
- Fine.
- Yes!
But I'm not leaving without
that crazy elephant.
- Dude, stop! The cake!
- Huh?
The cake!
Oh, yeah.
Dude, we've gotta go.
We gotta go now!
Yeah, yeah, hang on.
What do you think this
looks like, a pool party?
They'll be calling the cops
right now!
Oh, fuck.
- One more time!
- We gotta go, dude.
One more time!
One more time!
Hey, whoa.
What are you doing?
I've got this.
No, you don't.
What? Well,
what about the money?
Fuck the money.
Then how are we gonna
fix the Sharon?
We?
This was your idea, bro.
I told you!
YouTube, dude!
YouTube!
Bro, bro, bro.
Stop! The cake, bro.
The cake.
Oh, shit.
Whoa, whoa.
Glory to Ganesha!
Yeah, don't fuck in my
neighborhood, you bastards.
An ATM.
Don't you watch YouTube?
Let's recap, shall we?
You have, A, wrecked my car
and, B, wrecked my cake,
which means that you have, C,
wrecked my birthday.
Could get another cake.
Freddy,
dozens of my friends are in
there celebrating my birthday.
Where am I gonna get
a cake at this hour that's
big enough so that each of them
can get a nice fat slice?
Well, instead of
getting one cake,
you could...
- get a few cakes.
- Dude.
What, the supermarket's
still open.
Supermarket cakes?
Marvin and me can go
and get them.
That cake took
days to make,
and it cost me more money
than you've probably made
in your entire worthless
fucking life.
It was a spectacular cake,
don't you think?
Now I can't enjoy that cake.
Now I can't blow out
the candles
and I can't make a wish.
Guess what my wish
was gonna be.
A new car?
No.
We'll make it up to you.
Work-Work for free until we
pay you back what we owe
for the cake and the Sharon.
I can't go back to my old job,
I don't want that life.
That was my dad's life,
and he worked heaps
and did everything right,
and look where it got him.
We wanna show you
what we're made of.
Give us something
more than... than just...
picking up a cake.
You know why I came to this city
at the ass end of nowhere?
Love.
That's my wife.
- She's pretty.
- She's a whore.
- Oh.
- Eh?
She broke her vows.
Yeah!
Marriage is sacred...
sanctified,
and she shat all over that.
She went around
screwing some...
prick called Donny Kong.
I want Donny dead.
Dead.
Dead!
Dead! Dead! Dead!
Fucking dead!
Fair enough.
Now, I could get Barry
and Dean here
to take care of it for me.
But why should they
get their hands dirty
when I've got the two of you
with a sweet little
debt to pay?
And you did just say
you wanted to do something more.
Freddy,
what am I saying?
What am I saying?
That you, uh...
you want Donny Kong,
like...
dead?
Marvin,
what else am I saying?
That...
you want us...
to kill him.
Now, Barry and Dean
will give you the address
and anything else
you might need,
and you'll do this by...
noon tomorrow.
High noon.
Yeah, I like that.
That's a good deadline.
Dramatic.
Let me be crystal
fucking clear.
You don't do this,
and I'll have the boys here
give each of you
a permanent limp...
in both legs.
Probably worse.
But you do do this,
and we'll be all square.
Square as a bear.
So what's it gonna be?
Square as a bear...
or permanent limp?
Is that even possible?
To have a limp in both legs?
We are so fucked.
Wouldn't...
one limp, like,
cancel out the other?
Bro, we don't do this
and we're in some deep shit.
Maybe we just talk
to this Donny dude,
make him see reason,
tell him why we're there
and Spiggs knows
what's going on,
so if he doesn't skip town,
then he's a dead man.
He disappears,
we go back and tell Spiggs
we took care of him...
all good.
We could, like,
break down the door
and, like, put a gun in
his face and be, like,
"Bro, leave town
or we're gonna fuck you up!"
Yeah, nah.
You know what he'd say,
don't you?
"Where's my fucking beer,
boys?"
"Straight and narrow, son."
"Straight and narrow."
Wanna end up like Glen?
Breaking your back
for fuck all?
This Donny dude is rooting
the boss' missus.
And you heard Spiggs.
Marriage is sanctimonious.
We sort this Donny dude
for Spiggs
and we'll be straight up
set for good, bro.
High on the hog.
Um.
Do we... Do we knock or,
like...
bust the door down
and then take him by surprise?
What if we knock
and when he opens up,
we, like, force our way in
and, you know,...
take it from there?
♪ Hush, not a word ♪
♪ to Mary ♪
♪ She means the world ♪
♪ to me ♪
♪ ...word to Mary ♪
He ain't home, bro.
Yes, thank you.
No, that's perfect.
This is where you'll find him,
and remember, Roy,
it's important
you don't kill him until after
he tells you where it is.
Not a problem, Skip.
Well, fuck off, then.
Dude comes home
and we're already in there,
we surprise him,
and then, like, bam.
Like jump out from behind
the couch or something?
Yeah, whatever's gonna
work best.
You think it's even
the right room?
Only one way to find out.
♪ ...and the music ♪
♪ We want you to see ♪
♪ the world ♪
♪ And see all the beauty ♪
♪ that surrounds you ♪
♪ Who came knocking
at the door? ♪
♪ The little girl
in the long white gown ♪
Ah-la-la-la-la.
♪ ...to answer the door ♪
Ah.
Why do you have to kiss
your bullets?
- Cos it's lucky.
- ♪ Dance all around the world ♪
No, because you've missed
every shot.
Who is it?
Who do you think, dick?
♪ We want you to see ♪
♪ the world ♪
♪ and see all the beauty ♪
♪ that surrounds you ♪
♪ Who came knocking
at the door? ♪
- What's he doing?
- ♪ The little man... ♪
Is he even alive?
♪ Who came running
to answer the door? ♪
♪ A dragon
and a man dressed... ♪
♪ ...up as a clown ♪
♪ Dance all around ♪
On three.
One.
Two.
- Hold on. Wait!
- What?
We should count down.
It's better to cut down
than up.
♪ ...and the music ♪
What difference does it make?
- What if you go past three?
- ♪ We want you to see ♪
- When's it gonna stop?
- ♪ the world ♪
You go.
Three, two...
Hold on!
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
- What?!
- Are we going on one or zero?
After one,
you don't say the zero.
All right.
Three, two,
one.
And so the guards
threw down their weapons
- and the children put aside...
- Shoot him, bro.
You shoot him.
It's a flare gun.
Shoot him!
Let him go!
I'll shoot you, bro!
I mean it.
- With my gun!
- Oh. Fuck!
♪ We want you to see... ♪
♪ See the world ♪
♪ see all the beauty
that surrounds you ♪
♪ Dance all around the world ♪
♪ Dance all around the world ♪
♪ All around the
world with me ♪
Oh!
What happened?
Is he dead?
- Looks it.
- Oh!
He could have that thing,
where you, like,
suddenly fall asleep.
You know?
Narcoleprosy.
Hey!
Dude.
Hello?
It's all good.
He ain't sleeping, bro.
Oh.
Am I surprised?
Actually, yes.
Yes, I am.
To be honest,
I was sure that if anyone
was gonna fuck this up
and get themselves killed,
it was you two.
Yeah, let's view this as
a kind of initiation, huh?
A toast...
to Donny's demise!
Let's see that skinny little
fuck fuck my missus now.
Mr Spiggs,
did you just call
Donny Kong skinny
in the same way you might
call Marvin brainy?
What do you mean?
- He was fat.
- What?
Yeah, like, really fat.
Oh, you shot a fat man?
Are you guys fucking with me,
are you?
Huh? Are you guys
fucking with me, eh?!
Oh, fuck!
Maybe, you know,
Donny porked out
since you last saw him.
Wh-Wh-What he just ballooned
overnight, huh?
Magically beat the fuck
out of his anorexia!
You guys shot the wrong man,
didn't you?!
- Technically, he died before...
- Before you what?
We didn't actually shoot him.
You just said
that you fucking did.
We just wanted you
to like us.
We think it was
a heart attack,
probably because of his size.
- And the situation.
- Yeah. The sitch.
Whoa, whoa!
Come here,
you little fucks!
Fuck it.
- Where are you going, bro?
- It's OK.
Bro, where are you going?
Bro, come back.
I'm sorry.
Did you do anything
or say anything to anybody
that would make it
even remotely possible
to trace what happened
to the fat man back to me?
Probably not.
"Probably not."
That's very reassuring, son.
Nobody saw us, Mr Spiggs.
Go back, get a name
for the fat man.
Then I want you
to find Donny Kong
and finish the job.
You got it?
Of course, yeah.
Until I have a name
for the fat man
and Donny is picking turnips
with a stepladder,
then we're not square
as a bear.
Why would... Why would Donny
be picking turnips?
Dead, Freddy!
Dead!
Cos he'd be fucking dead!
Wait.
You...
Now, as you know, Freddy,
the deadline's still noon.
If you're not back by then,
I shoot Marvin's foot.
Then every half hour
past noon,
I'll shoot him again.
I'll start with the other foot,
work my way up to his knees...
...his hands, and then...
...ugh...
...I'm sure you
get the picture.
I think he's in room 202,
but I'm not too sure.
Maybe you've got a register
with his name in it.
You a cop?
I'm not a cop, really.
- Are you sure you're not a cop?
- I'm not.
- Cos you sound like a cop.
- I'm not.
OK, well,
if you're not a cop,
then why should I tell you
if your friend,
if, in fact, he is your friend,
is in room 202?
Is your mum
or dad here or...?
- What's your friend's name?
- Um...
His name.
Um...
Funny thing is...
I've actually forgotten
his name.
Oh, right.
B-B-But he's...
He's really large.
Asian, I think.
So you don't know
if your friend's Asian
and you can't
remember his name?
Room 202.
It's just a name.
What's that say?
- Do you know what it means?
- Um...
Hello? Donny?
Hello?
...We import
so much of our food,
and all the time,
it's got to come up from the
Northern Hemisphere; it's gotta
come from the warmer climates,
cos we're not very good
at growing stuff.
Police.
Open the door, please.
Open the door.
Uh, just a second.
Sorry. It was just kind of mess,
so...
We got a call that someone
matching your description
- broke in here.
- I didn't actually break in.
Jeff left the door
open for me.
Who the hell is Jeff?
Jeff Kwok.
We're hooking up today.
And he said to wait
here for him.
He's lying. I've never
heard of Jeff Kwok.
Yeah, Jeff knows Donny,
and he's staying here.
I think that's actually
his suitcase over there.
What's your name?
Uh, Calvin...
Broadus.
People call me Snoop.
Got some ID, Snoop?
- Sorry, no.
- Oh, this is bullshit!
OK, calm down.
He told me that he didn't
know who lives here,
and he asked me for a name!
I'll take it from here, OK?
Is someone in there?
Oh, uh, I don't...
I don't think so.
Actually, I wouldn't
go in there.
I just did a monster shit,
and it's like...
Whoa.
When do you expect
your friend to get back?
Uh, soon.
Maybe you should
wait outside.
Shit!
Fuck.
- It's clean?
- Definitely.
So you tidied up
and you wiped clean
everything we touched?
What do you think
"definitely" means?
Yeah, I cleaned up and tidied
everything we touched,
just like your highness ordered,
so can we get fucking moving?
Because the skipper's waiting,
and she doesn't like
to be kept waiting.
Fucking knew I should
have done it myself.
Do I look like
a fucking idiot?
You treat me
like a fucking idiot,
and I don't like it.
- You don't like it?
- I do not.
You know,
there's a saying...
you teach people
how to treat you.
What?!
Who's "they"?
It's just what they say.
Fuck!
Fucking shit.
Jesus...
What the fuck
are you waiting for?!
- Calm the fuck down.
- Come on, man!
Those cops are gonna ask us
fucking questions,
and it's gonna fucking blow up
in our faces like fucking C4.
And the skip won't be happy.
She won't be.
- Fuck!
- Roy.
- Won't be happy, okay.
- OK, it's all good, all right?
OK, just use your breathing.
Use your breathing.
There, you happy?
Yeah. Yeah,
I'm fucking happy!
Breathing. Breathing.
Here we go.
Chill, dog.
Chill, dog.
- "Chill, dog"?
- What?
- Who says that any more?
- Everyone.
- Brolax.
- What?
You know, "brolax".
It's like the new "chill dog".
You know, but instead
of "chill dog",
you've got bro and relax.
You put it together... brolax.
- Brolax?
- Mm.
Brolax.
Brolax.
♪ To hide away our fears ♪
- ♪ H ♪
- Hi.
- Fuck off.
- Hey.
- Wait, wait.
- Oi!
♪ T ♪
Get out!
I just wanna get into
Donny's room!
I'm calling the police.
♪ Te p ♪
♪ Te p ♪
♪ He t ♪
Don't make me hurt
the fish.
♪ Te kupu ♪
You killed my fish!
I'm gonna kill you!
Oh, shit, sorry.
I didn't mean to.
Hey, hey.
Jeff.
Jeff?
Jeff?
These young girls
and these young children,
they are looking at us...
Hmm.
That's right.
Come to me, bad boy.
Here we go.
Mmm, yeah.
Oh, momma.
Oh, put it there.
Hey, boss.
Slang for anus.
Four letters. Ends with E.
Arse doesn't fit.
So, it's done?
Uh, kinda.
Kinda done.
What do you mean
"kind of"?
How can someone be
kind of dead?
He's dead.
You know, he's...
definitely dead.
There was just no signs
of a break-in or a struggle,
so we figured, you know...
heart attack?
Yeah, I mean, a body of those
proportions, you know, it was...
What?
Roy had a hunch.
Here's my hunch.
This is what happened.
He ate it, and then he tries to
shit it out in the bath, right?
Because if he tried
to shit it out in the toilet,
it would go down
the drain, right?
So while he's trying to
shit it out in the bath,
the strain was so big that,
boom, heart attack!
Jeff ate the merchandise?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
So it's still inside him,
and we need to cut it out.
No fucking way
I'm cutting him up.
Which leaves...
well, just you.
- Me?
- Hmm.
- I saw a meat clever...
- Hey, whoa, whoa.
- Oh, what?
- A meat clever?
Yeah.
- Yeah.
- What?
W-We can't do it here
cos of forensics
and whatnot.
- Which is why...
- Oh God no.
- We take him to the workshop.
- Right.
And we let the skip do it.
- He's in the van.
- Oh, is he?
We dressed him in a tracksuit
so nothing looked suspicious.
Hmm.
Tell me, Roy,
the room you found him in,
what floor was it on?
- First.
- First.
- Oh, so there were stairs?
- Yep.
And where did you park?
Uh, on the street
outside the motel.
Oh, I see.
So, let's just recreate this
morning's events, shall we?
So you find Jeff dead
in the bathroom,
and you put him in
a tracksuit,
then you carry him
down some stairs
and on to a public street,
and you put him
in the van.
And all this
takes place when?
Oh, it was early-ish, eh.
In broad fucking daylight!
And then you drive a body
the size of a small whale
around the city
and you leave him
parked in a van
outside my shop.
But nothing looks suspicious,
does it?
I-I-It's so nice
to see you brolax.
What did you say?
- Don't.
- Brolax.
It's like when you're
a brother relaxing,
- and you just take out the...
- Are you on fucking meth?!
No, not today.
All right, bring him in.
Fucking morons.
♪ The street's a liar ♪
♪ I'm gonna lure you
into the dark ♪
♪ My cold desire ♪
- ♪ To hear the boom, boom, boom, of your heart ♪
- See anything, Skip?
Roy, when did you decide
it was acceptable
to call me Skip?
What, so that doesn't
get your freak on?
- My "freak on"?
- Yeah.
I assume that means you
think I would like it,
but no,
I do not like it.
Bum-lickers don't impress me.
What does impress you?
People who make my life easy.
♪ Such a pretty face ♪
♪ This is a bad town ♪
♪ For such a pretty face ♪
- ♪ This is a bad town ♪
- So...
what would it take for
someone like me, you know,
to make life easier
for someone like you?
Sorry, Skip.
Shit.
- Skip.
- Oh, shut the fuck up.
♪ I'm gonna catch ya ♪
♪ I'm gonna getcha,
getcha ♪
♪ Oh, ah, oh ♪
♪ I wanna taste the way ♪
♪ That you bleed ♪
♪ Oh-oh-oh ♪
♪ I'm gonna catch ya ♪
♪ I'm gonna getcha,
getcha. ♪
♪ Oh, ah, oh ♪
♪ I wanna taste the way
that you bleed ♪
♪ Oh, ah, oh ♪
Well, gentlemen,
the merchandise
is not in the fat man.
Which means what?
It's somewhere else.
It's somewhere else.
That is correct.
Well done, Semo.
But where?
- Good question.
- Good question?
Not a good question?
No, Roy, that's not
a good question.
That is an outstanding question.
That is the best
fucking question
on the entire fucking planet.
That is the fucking
"to be or not to be"
of fucking questions,
and I want it fucking answered,
so get back to that
fucking motel,
and you fucking rip
that place apart,
and you don't fucking stop
until you find my
fucking merchandise!
Why couldn't you just
have eaten it
like you clearly eat
everything else?
You think about a lot
of things when you're
trapped under a bed
in a motel room
with a guy who
might want to kill you
if he found out you were
there to kill him
for screwing your boss' wife.
All kinds of stuff...
random stuff,
like what I'd do differently
if I coached the Warriors.
Other stuff too,
like my dad,
who didn't deserve to die,
and what he might
say right now.
Something like,
"You made a mistake, son,
getting involved with Spiggs."
And then he'd hug me
and tell me he loved me.
Then I thought about the time
and the high noon thing,
and the deadline and how
I needed to do this for Marvin,
who was always there for me.
And I thought,
"Yeah,
Dad would understand."
But then I was all like,
"Man, this is really confusing."
The only thing I could
think to do next was
pray for a miracle.
Jeff?
Jeff?
Jeff?
Tell us where it is
and we'll be on our way.
Fuck!
Oh, righty-oh, mate.
Oh, that...
that's dirty.
Fuck.
Jesus.
OK.
We know Jeff stole it.
And we know he
was hiding out in here,
which means you know
why he was hiding out,
which means you know
where it is. So where is it?
Jeff said he needed a place
to stay for a while,
but I don't know
what you mean.
Please, don't hurt me, please.
- Toilet?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Get up.
- The toilet?
- Yeah, yeah, get up. Come on.
- I don't need toilet!
I don't need toilet!
Right, toilet.
- No, thank you. I don't need it!
- Let's go.
Where is it?!
Where is what!
Wrong!
We know that Jeff came here
after he took it!
Just tell us!
- Where the fuck is it?!
- Oi, oi, oi, oi.
- Where the fuck is it?!
- Hey, hey. Wait, wait!
Come. Hey, hey, hey.
Take it easy.
What the fuck, bro?
Fuck, he's no good to us dead,
is he?
Come on, stay with me.
Yo, bro.
Hey, just tell us where it is
and we'll call an ambulance.
Yo.
Hey, hey, hey.
Come on, no, no, no.
Oh shit.
You always fuck things up,
don't you?
He should have told us.
Fuck!
Fuck!
So what do we do now?
Not gonna stick around here,
that's for sure.
OK, let me think.
We rip the place apart,
like she asked us to, OK?
But we found nothing.
- What about the merchandise?
- Fuck the merchandise, bro.
That's two dead bodies, OK,
because of this fucking
merchandise.
I don't want to be body number
three, do you?
Good. Let's go.
Oh, wait.
Fuck, Roy, come on.
- Oh, what is up with his...?
- Roy!
Freddy?
He's gone.
Who?
The fat man, he's gone.
What do you mean gone?
Well, I got back here to the
place, and he's not here.
- He's gone.
- Well, where is he?
- I don't know.
- You said he was dead!
- Yeah, he was, but...
- Then fucking what?!
But what if he wasn't?
Shit.
Donny might have found him.
Yeah, I-I don't think so.
Well, how do you know that?
Because...
Donny's here.
I'm looking right at him.
Put him on.
I can't. He's gone.
Like, gone gone.
- Dead gone?
- Yeah.
What happened?
I killed him.
You killed him?
Yeah, so...
So you can let Marvin go now,
OK?
And why would I do that, huh?
Because that was the deal.
I mean, I've done everything
you asked me to,
and it's before the deadline,
so...
So you just want me
to take your word for it
that you took care of Donny
and expect me to let Marvin go?
Well...
yeah.
Well, nah. I want proof.
And until I get it,
we're not square as a bear.
So here's what
I want you to do.
Piece of shit!
Try now!
You fucking beauty!
Move. Move over.
OK.
Let's get the fuck
out of here.
Oh, oh, wait, wait, wait.
Fuck, I left my prints
on the seat.
Don't worry about it!
No, I need to wipe
the seat clean!
Fucking hurry up, then.
Fuck. Shit.
Fucking idiot.
"I want Donny's cock.
Cut it off
and bring it to me.
I'll know it when I see it.
Cos how I found out
she was fucking Donny
was finding videos
of them doing it.
So don't bring me any old cock
that, you know,
you cut off some fucking
homeless bloke.
We're not square as a bear
until Donny's cock
is in my hand.
So you best get moving.
Whoo-hoo!
Because it's nearly noon,
Freddy.
Tick-tock, son.
Sorry, bro.
Ugh.
Fucking shit.
Fuck.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Fuck!
Motherfucker!
Semo!
He was in the room!
Get him!
Shit!
Stop, kid!
- ♪ Whakatau P ♪
- Stop where you are!
♪ M ♪
- Fuck!
- Whoa!
♪ Ng ♪
♪ Rongomai Te Ariki ♪
♪ T ♪
♪ Ki runga Takaparawh ♪
♪ Tahu toku k ♪
♪ Tahu toku k ♪
♪ Toku ahi k ♪
Fuck.
♪ Toku ahi k ♪
♪ Tahu toku k ♪
♪ Toku ahi k ♪
What were you doing
in that room?
Nothing.
Seriously?
I broke in, OK?
I'm sorry if that was
your guys' place.
You know where it is,
don't you?
Where what is?
- What's your name?
- Freddy.
Freddy who?
Winiata.
OK, Freddy Winiata,
do you know a fat guy
called Jeff Kwok?
I've never heard of him.
OK. OK, OK. OK.
So, you don't fuck with us
and we don't fuck with you.
This is your last chance, OK?
Where is it?
Where is what?
Oh, OK, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah?
OK, hey, hey.
Hey, hey, hey.
You don't think I will?!
Hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey.
Listen.
Can we just try
and keep this one alive?
Just search him.
- You search him.
- Just... Just do it, Roy.
Eh, that...
That's not my name.
Frederick Winiata.
Least you're not lying
about your name, Freddy.
- Is there anything else?
- He's a donor.
The wallet, dick.
Where'd you get this?
- I stole it.
- You stole it?
I can...
I can sell it
for 50 bucks easy
to, you know,
an illegal immigrant.
Right.
What, an oversized
illegal immigrant?
Yeah, I mean, probably.
Freddy, just tell us
where the merchandise is
and we'll let you go.
It's that easy.
What merchandise?
Where'd you put it, bitch?
Did the fat guy
give it to you
or did the skinny guy
give it to you?
Where'd you put it?!
Yeah, OK,
he can't breathe.
Hey, hey, Roy,
let him go.
Hey, hey.
He's not gonna tell us
because he knows
how much the merchandise
is worth.
He's gonna keep to his story
about breaking in
because he knows
we can't prove it.
Isn't that right, Freddy?
Shit.
- Oi.
- What?
You thinking
what I'm thinking?
I doubt it.
We escalate the situation.
We let the skip deal with it.
That's pretty good.
Freddy, have you heard
of The Upholsterer?
- Kind of.
- Kind of?
Well, I think she'd kinda
like to see you.
Do you like horses, Freddy?
Hmm?
They're all right.
You can tell a lot
about a horse from its teeth...
its age, its diet,
its general health,
even its possible vices,
such as wood-chewing
and the like.
Well, people are much
the same.
But our vices, well,
that's where you and I are quite
different from a horse
because our vices aren't
quite so easy to detect.
But we all have them,
don't we?
So what's your vice, Freddy,
hmm?
Is it drugs?
Girls?
Boys?
And how would a young man
like yourself
pay for such things, hmm?
Perhaps that's why you broke
into the very same motel
where a man who stole from me
something of great value
was hiding out.
This gentlemen right here,
in fact.
What did you break into
that motel room to steal?
This very same man's
driver's license.
Which you say
you can get $50
on some black market
for illegal immigrants.
Now, I know people have
been killed for less,
but $50 is not a lot of money,
is it?
Perhaps you took
Jeff's license
because he didn't have
a heart attack, did he?
No, you killed him somehow.
Perhaps asphyxiation.
And then you went back
to erase any evidence
that he was ever
in that room.
- Police.
- Just a second.
While you were doing that,
trying to figure out where
the fat man was
and how the skinny man
ended up dead,
you were interrupted.
Aw!
Jeff?
But tell me, son,
is it worth your life?
Is getting all the money
you ever dreamed of,
is it really worth dying for,
hmm?
Motherfucker!
Where is it?
I don't know.
Maybe it's in there.
Hmm?
Here, take a closer look.
Is it in there, Freddy, hmm?
I can't hear you.
No?
- Where is it?!
- I don't... I don't know!
You could check up his date.
- His what?
- His date.
His arse.
People put some
crazy shit up there.
I saw this doco about
drug smugglers.
They get condoms,
fill them full of drugs,
and stick them
up their bums.
It's pretty amazing what
you can fit up there.
Roy, come and take a look.
Wait.
Wait. Slang for anus,
four letters... "date."
Give me the paper
and a pen.
- Hurry up.
- There you go.
D-A-T-E.
Perfect.
Right, continue.
You left his phone on him?
Where's your phone, Freddy?
Hmm?
Where is it?
So, who'd be calling you,
hmm?
I don't... I don't know.
Yes?
Who's this?
Who's this?
Who's this?
Who's this?
Tell me who this is!
You tell me who this is.
Where's Freddy?
You tell me.
What?
Well, where should he be?
Is Freddy there or not?
Who wants to know?
Who the fuck is this?!
Who is this?!
Put him on!
Well, you see,
he's a bit busy.
Busy doing what?
Is there a message?
Yeah.
Yeah, here's the message.
- Bang.
- Bang?
Freddy.
Who's expecting you?
- Hmm?
- Nobody.
Keep searching him.
- Hey, hey.
- Hey, whoa.
What is it?
What's this?
Had it on him
the whole time.
Oh.
Is that a...?
Yeah, looks like it.
It's kind of, um...
Donny.
Freddy?
What are you doing with
Donny Kong's penis?
It's worth heaps of money
in the...
in the Asian market.
It's used for soups.
It's like a delicacy.
He was dead, so...
Roy killed him.
I... I mean,
that's where I saw it.
I don't believe you've been
completely honest with us,
have you?
Why did you
deem it necessary
to cut off
Donny Kong's penis
and put it in your pocket?
I have to deliver it
by noon,
otherwise Marvin's
gonna get shot.
Ah, bang, hmm.
Come on, Freddy,
who sent you?
Who was on the phone?
It was... It was meant
to be the skinny man,
not the fat man,
but I didn't know that.
The fat man wasn't meant
to be there, was...
Who fucking sent you?!
Ah, what a shame.
Well, can't say I didn't
give him fair warning, huh?
No, no, no.
He'll make it.
He will.
No, no, no, no.
He'll be here.
He'll make it.
- He will.
- Oh, shut the fuck up.
No! No!
Help! Help!
Look at you. Look at you
about to pee your pants
like a little fucking girl!
You're fucking crazy.
- Ah.
- Come again.
You're fucking crazy,
you fucking psycho!
I thought you were
fucking cool!
Wait...
I'm not cool?
Well...
Oh.
Oh yeah!
Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
Oh! Yeah.
I might be fucking crazy,
but if your friend doesn't
turn up in the next half hour,
your other foot is gonna get
the same fucking treatment!
Don't let me interrupt,
Mickey.
The Upholsterer.
Well, well, well.
I think you know
why I'm here.
Lap dance?
You know, when I heard
the name Mickey Spiggs,
it all made sense.
I'm connected to Jeff Kwok.
Jeff Kwok is connected
to Donny Kong,
and Donny Kong,
if I'm not mistaken,
is connected to you.
I know what you did to Jeff,
and the reason you did what
you did to Jeff is because
you knew that he had
what belongs to me.
So just hand it over
and we'll be on our way.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Take it easy, all right?
Just-Just take it easy.
I have no idea
who Jeff Kwok is,
and I have no idea what the fuck
you're talking about.
Take a seat.
Jeff is a rather large man
who was killed earlier today
in his place of temporary
residence by Freddy,
who I believe
is in your employ.
- The fat man?
- Not only was he fat, Mickey,
he was also stupid.
He stole something from me.
Freddy stole it from him,
killed him
and then gave it to you.
Yeah, nah, that's not
actually what happened.
- Where the fuck is it?
- Listen,
I didn't even know the fat man
existed till this morning.
Oh, have I not been
polite thus far?
- Yeah.
- Have I not been reasonable?
- Yeah.
- Yeah. I think I have.
You see,
being polite and reasonable
about this is plan A.
If you do not hand it over,
you will force me
to go to plan B.
And plan B is not so polite
and reasonable.
But let me try and persuade you
to stick with plan A,
because I really hate to make
a mess unnecessarily.
So, first you need
to know two things.
One, if the merchandise is not
back in my possession
within the hour,
I will execute you.
Yeah.
And, two.
- Pa-ching.
- One of my men is outside
in a van with Freddy,
who will also be executed
should plan A fail.
So what's it going to be,
Mickey?
Plan A, everyone lives,
or plan B,
not everyone lives?
It's entirely up to you.
Hey, let Marvin go!
Semo.
How did Freddy get a gun?
And why can I see
your genitals?
Fucking Roy's fault.
Gum?
I'm cool.
Hey, uh,
your dad drive a cab?
Why?
Did you know him?
No, not really.
Bro.
- How did you...?
- Hands on your head!
OK.
OK, just take it easy,
Freddy.
Give me your gun.
Give me your gun!
OK.
Get out.
- Now take off your clothes.
- Eh?
I wanna see if that's
all you're carrying.
- That's everything.
- Do it!
There you go, Freddy.
Everything.
Oh, come on!
Now back to the end
at the beginning.
Or is it the other way?
What do you want, Freddy?
Go and untie Marvin.
Semo, don't you move.
Do you know why they call me
The Upholsterer?
I know it's not a razzle-dazzle
name like Ms. Untouchable
or Bonnie Bamboo,
but it fits.
You see, because I like to make
people feel comfortable.
Now, to make you comfortable,
I assume I'd have to let you
and Marvin leave here intact.
Yes?
For me to feel comfortable,
I need to leave here
with my merchandise.
So why don't we just make
each other comfortable, hm?
OK, yeah.
I have it.
Marvin leaves
and you get it back.
No, the merchandise first.
OK, but...
we do this without guns.
We all put them down.
You're dreaming, mate.
Well?
Where is it?
Safe.
Roy.
But then he can just
shoot us.
Oh, I think Freddy knows
that would be a mistake.
Put... your...
gun... down.
Put your fucking gun down.
Your other gun, Freddy.
Frederick Winiata.
How did you know him?
How did you know my dad?!
He was a good man,
reliable...
mostly.
Liked the ponies.
He worked for you?
Of course he did.
A pick-up or a drop-off
every now and then.
Well, he had the perfect cover,
didn't he?
Why'd he die?
Does it matter?
You do look a bit like him.
You can put it down.
I didn't kill him.
I don't believe you.
Don't believe what...
that he worked for me
or that I didn't kill him?
Well, what if I did, hmm?
What if he owed me
a shit ton of cash?
What are you gonna
do about it?
You gonna fuck me up?
Avenge his death?
Go on, then.
Be as stupid as he was.
Fuck this!
Holy shit,
I'm gonna die!
That's what I should be
thinking right about now,
but that's not what went
through my head in this moment.
What went through my head was,
"If only the fat man
was skinny."
Well, this is it.
This is how my shit day ends.
What would you do...
pull the trigger for Dad?
Or would that make me
just like her?
She does deserve it.
Nah.
Shit, Marv!
Hey, hey, Marv.
- Is it over?
- Yeah, we gotta go.
- Guess it's possible, bro.
- What?
I think I got a limp
in both legs.
It's not what it looks like.
Wait, wait.
Wait, seriously,
we had nothing to do with this.
All we did was try
and pay back Spiggs.
This was all The Upholsterer.
She was saying Spiggs stole
something from her, and it...
got, like, kinda crazy,
and Marvin's been
shot in the leg, and...
I've got to get him
to a doctor pronto.
Hey,
Spiggs is dead, dudes.
That makes you in charge,
right?
We doing this or what?
Yeah, bro.
We don't take risks,
we get nowhere.
It's all good, bro.
I got this.
Marvin and me
never did find out
what the merchandise was,
but I still think about
what it might be
and where it might be.
Like, is it back at that motel?
Could be.
And I think about breaking in
and finding it,
but then I'm like,
"Nah, I never want to
go back into that room.
All those fullas
got killed over it."
So we're gonna stay on
the straight and narrow.
Yep, we got big plans.
I'm gonna turn this shit
around, Dad.
Make you proud
and show you I can do it.
They say there's dough
in pizzas if you get it right,
so me and Marv
are gonna learn the ropes,
save hard and start
our own franchise.
We're gonna be high on the hog.
You wait and see.
Yeah, it'll take a while,
but we're gonna get there.
We're gonna tear it up, baby!
Hells yeah!
one of those days
where everything
just turns to shit?
This is one of those.
I'm Freddy, by the way.
This is The Upholsterer.
She doesn't just cut up foam
and leather and shit.
I've seen the real reason she's
called what she's called.
This is Mr Spiggs.
Once upon a time,
I thought he was cool.
This is Semo.
In another life,
we might have been mates.
Not today.
This is Roy.
The dude must be on meth
cos he's psycho.
I'm here for this fulla...
my boy Marvin.
I've known him forever,
and we'd do anything
for each other.
Which is why I'm here
with a gun in each hand
and a naked Samoan.
Semo, how did Freddy
get a gun?
And why can I see
your genitals?
- Fucking Roy's fault.
- Eh?
I'm pretty sure I know
what you're thinking,
and if I wasn't concentrating
so hard on what to do next,
I'd be thinking
the same thing.
How the hell did we
end up in this mess?
Good question.
This is where it all started.
It was a simple job,
just pick up a cake.
But me and Marv,
we had big ideas.
We've got his cake.
That's all we had to do, right?
I think we should do it.
- What, bail?
- Nah. This.
Don't you think?
Nah, yeah, bro, like I said,
we're here now, so...
Exactly.
When we pull off maybe
a couple of others like this,
he has to take notice of us.
This is how we get a rep.
And then we, like, move on up
to the real money, bro.
Like, you know, this is how
Barry and Dean got started.
Dude, they get a cut
of whatever they sell.
Fuckers are totally
rolling in it.
That's where we wanna be.
Right?
High on the hog.
Hells yeah, bro.
High on the hog!
Whoa, whoa, hold up.
Actually, when you
really think about it,
this isn't where
it all started.
Check us out
looking all staunch.
Truth is we're about
to shit our pants.
♪ You got to know
to understand ♪
♪ Baby, take me by my hand ♪
♪ I'll lead you to
the promised land ♪
♪ You got to know ♪
Oh.
- Pizza?
- Awesome.
Cash or card?
Oh, nah, you were more
than 20 minutes,
so that means it's free.
- But I'm not late.
- 21 minutes. Sorry.
No.
But I still don't have it,
so that means you are late,
so... can I...?
Everything OK, hon?
Are you gonna give me
my pizza or what?
Well, it's timed from
order to door.
No money, no pizza.
Stop doing that.
I don't like it.
- What?
- Fuck off, you perv.
Whoa, bro, I'm not
doing anything to you.
You're undressing me
with your eyes.
What's going on, babe?
I'm hungry.
He's undressing me
with his eyes.
- That's not cool, brother.
- Hey.
Can I just get my $19.50,
please?
- He's still doing it.
- He is too.
- You're a little skank!
- I'm not!
He's undressing you now,
babe.
You little tart.
- You're unbelievable!
- Oh, come on.
You know what,
pizza's on me.
Oi!
Get him, babe!
- Get him! Smash him!
- Oi! You little shit!
Oh, meat lovers.
- Hey, get back here!
- Fuck!
OK, oi!
- Leave it!
- Shit!
That's disrespectful!
Come here!
Come here! Come here!
Oh, playing hide and seek?
Hey, unlock the door.
Oi!
C'mon, cuz.
Shit.
Shit.
Hey, boss.
- Eh?
- I can see you.
Nah, nah, nah, he lied
so he didn't have to pay.
Oh, shit!
You prick!
No, not you.
No, I wasn't late.
What noise?
- What, bring in the car?
- Why'd you be like that?!
Hey, Glen.
Is, um...?
Cool.
I'm...
I'm over it, bro.
I work as many hours
as anyone else,
but I'm always broke.
It's all just...
Bullshit.
Now,
we've always said
one day
we'd be high on the hog...
moneys and honeys.
Still can be.
How?
Oh.
Nah.
I'm already in the door,
bro.
You could be too.
Not happening.
Nobody who ever worked
an honest job
ever got high on the hog.
It's been, like,
scientifically proven, bro.
Dude's a player.
The real deal.
So, you know,
just come meet him.
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Oh yeah ♪
♪ I'm gonna love you
till the morning ♪
♪ Love you all night through ♪
♪ Love is what we have ♪
♪ We'll have no ending ♪
♪ It's the way we want it too ♪
♪ Oh, don't tell no one
about us ♪
♪ I can't say but then I do... ♪
Marvin tells me you've got
previous experience
working in bars.
Freddy and me worked together
in this...
Sorry.
Tell me, why the fuck you
wanna work here for?
Uh...
Well, Marvin said
you paid good, and...
I'm sick of being broke.
And I don't wanna be delivering
pizzas forever.
I want more, you know.
In prison camps
in the American Civil War,
there was a line,
and if a prisoner crossed
that line,
he was shot.
That line was called
a deadline.
I always liked that word.
Deadline.
Meaning's changed since.
But with some deadlines,
there's always a risk
that once you cross over it,
you may never come back.
You want a job?
You convince me.
You got 10 seconds.
Nine.
- Um...
- Eight.
Wait, what do you want
me to do?
Seven.
Six.
Five.
Four.
Three. Two.
Ooh.
One.
Is it loaded, Freddy?
This gun loaded, Freddy?
N-No, no, no!
Pulls a bit to the left.
Something I should know
about you, Freddy?
A pizza guy was
robbed a while back.
So now I use that...
as protection.
It's my dad's.
Does he know
that you've got it?
Nah.
You stole your old man's gun?
Well,
it was,...
you know,
left to me, so...
He got, like, attacked
on the job.
He drove cabs.
Attacked?
Stabbed, actually.
You know, I think there
might be a place for you
and your little gun
in this fine
establishment of mine.
What do you say?
Right here.
Pretty safe to say that
right here is where
the whole mess began.
I should have said,
"Can I think about it?"
But I wanted into that world,
so I was all like,...
"Hells yeah, Mr Spiggs!"
♪ The things that
you want to do ♪
♪ I know something is up ♪
♪ Something ♪
Awesome.
Now we're all caught up.
Let's get back to the alley,
the car
and that bloody cake.
No way.
- Why not?
- It's a shit idea.
Let's just stick to the plan,
OK?
Let's go. Open it.
Is that a flare gun?
N-No.
Open it.
Wait, wait, wait.
Wait, nah, nah.
- Nah, hold on.
- What are you doing?
Put it up.
We can't show weakness.
Bro, how much
is in the till?
Three-hundred cash,
give or take.
And how much is in that?
Thousands.
Maybe tens of thousands.
See, bro,
tens of thousands.
Rob the ATM?
How?
- Can you open it?
- Only the security company can.
Let's just take
the three-hundy.
Bro, why settle for peanuts
when we can just rip
it out of the wall?
- Dude, you can't.
- Yeah, you can.
YouTube...
I've seen these epic fails
with dudes trying to do it,
and... it just can't be done.
Yeah, but did they
have a Sharon?
- What?
- The Shazza.
Oh, the...
That's the second
dumbest idea
you've ever had.
- Listen to me, man.
- Seriously, bro.
- Look...
- Seriously!
- One scratch on her...
- Oh, bro, it's OK.
- ...he'll kill us!
- It's OK!
- No fucking way in hell!
- That's...
Whatever damage
we do to the Sharon,
we can fix
using the ATM cash.
And think about it,
what's gonna impress him more...
robbing a place like this
or robbing a bank?
Kind of.
And, dude,
you can put your
hands down now.
- You got a family?
- Yes.
- Kids?
- Six.
- Damn!
- Seriously?
Wow.
And, what,
if we steal from you,
they'll be left with nothing
but 2 Minute Noodles, right?
Noodles if they're lucky.
See, bro?
Think of the kids.
Oh man.
- Fine.
- Yes!
But I'm not leaving without
that crazy elephant.
- Dude, stop! The cake!
- Huh?
The cake!
Oh, yeah.
Dude, we've gotta go.
We gotta go now!
Yeah, yeah, hang on.
What do you think this
looks like, a pool party?
They'll be calling the cops
right now!
Oh, fuck.
- One more time!
- We gotta go, dude.
One more time!
One more time!
Hey, whoa.
What are you doing?
I've got this.
No, you don't.
What? Well,
what about the money?
Fuck the money.
Then how are we gonna
fix the Sharon?
We?
This was your idea, bro.
I told you!
YouTube, dude!
YouTube!
Bro, bro, bro.
Stop! The cake, bro.
The cake.
Oh, shit.
Whoa, whoa.
Glory to Ganesha!
Yeah, don't fuck in my
neighborhood, you bastards.
An ATM.
Don't you watch YouTube?
Let's recap, shall we?
You have, A, wrecked my car
and, B, wrecked my cake,
which means that you have, C,
wrecked my birthday.
Could get another cake.
Freddy,
dozens of my friends are in
there celebrating my birthday.
Where am I gonna get
a cake at this hour that's
big enough so that each of them
can get a nice fat slice?
Well, instead of
getting one cake,
you could...
- get a few cakes.
- Dude.
What, the supermarket's
still open.
Supermarket cakes?
Marvin and me can go
and get them.
That cake took
days to make,
and it cost me more money
than you've probably made
in your entire worthless
fucking life.
It was a spectacular cake,
don't you think?
Now I can't enjoy that cake.
Now I can't blow out
the candles
and I can't make a wish.
Guess what my wish
was gonna be.
A new car?
No.
We'll make it up to you.
Work-Work for free until we
pay you back what we owe
for the cake and the Sharon.
I can't go back to my old job,
I don't want that life.
That was my dad's life,
and he worked heaps
and did everything right,
and look where it got him.
We wanna show you
what we're made of.
Give us something
more than... than just...
picking up a cake.
You know why I came to this city
at the ass end of nowhere?
Love.
That's my wife.
- She's pretty.
- She's a whore.
- Oh.
- Eh?
She broke her vows.
Yeah!
Marriage is sacred...
sanctified,
and she shat all over that.
She went around
screwing some...
prick called Donny Kong.
I want Donny dead.
Dead.
Dead!
Dead! Dead! Dead!
Fucking dead!
Fair enough.
Now, I could get Barry
and Dean here
to take care of it for me.
But why should they
get their hands dirty
when I've got the two of you
with a sweet little
debt to pay?
And you did just say
you wanted to do something more.
Freddy,
what am I saying?
What am I saying?
That you, uh...
you want Donny Kong,
like...
dead?
Marvin,
what else am I saying?
That...
you want us...
to kill him.
Now, Barry and Dean
will give you the address
and anything else
you might need,
and you'll do this by...
noon tomorrow.
High noon.
Yeah, I like that.
That's a good deadline.
Dramatic.
Let me be crystal
fucking clear.
You don't do this,
and I'll have the boys here
give each of you
a permanent limp...
in both legs.
Probably worse.
But you do do this,
and we'll be all square.
Square as a bear.
So what's it gonna be?
Square as a bear...
or permanent limp?
Is that even possible?
To have a limp in both legs?
We are so fucked.
Wouldn't...
one limp, like,
cancel out the other?
Bro, we don't do this
and we're in some deep shit.
Maybe we just talk
to this Donny dude,
make him see reason,
tell him why we're there
and Spiggs knows
what's going on,
so if he doesn't skip town,
then he's a dead man.
He disappears,
we go back and tell Spiggs
we took care of him...
all good.
We could, like,
break down the door
and, like, put a gun in
his face and be, like,
"Bro, leave town
or we're gonna fuck you up!"
Yeah, nah.
You know what he'd say,
don't you?
"Where's my fucking beer,
boys?"
"Straight and narrow, son."
"Straight and narrow."
Wanna end up like Glen?
Breaking your back
for fuck all?
This Donny dude is rooting
the boss' missus.
And you heard Spiggs.
Marriage is sanctimonious.
We sort this Donny dude
for Spiggs
and we'll be straight up
set for good, bro.
High on the hog.
Um.
Do we... Do we knock or,
like...
bust the door down
and then take him by surprise?
What if we knock
and when he opens up,
we, like, force our way in
and, you know,...
take it from there?
♪ Hush, not a word ♪
♪ to Mary ♪
♪ She means the world ♪
♪ to me ♪
♪ ...word to Mary ♪
He ain't home, bro.
Yes, thank you.
No, that's perfect.
This is where you'll find him,
and remember, Roy,
it's important
you don't kill him until after
he tells you where it is.
Not a problem, Skip.
Well, fuck off, then.
Dude comes home
and we're already in there,
we surprise him,
and then, like, bam.
Like jump out from behind
the couch or something?
Yeah, whatever's gonna
work best.
You think it's even
the right room?
Only one way to find out.
♪ ...and the music ♪
♪ We want you to see ♪
♪ the world ♪
♪ And see all the beauty ♪
♪ that surrounds you ♪
♪ Who came knocking
at the door? ♪
♪ The little girl
in the long white gown ♪
Ah-la-la-la-la.
♪ ...to answer the door ♪
Ah.
Why do you have to kiss
your bullets?
- Cos it's lucky.
- ♪ Dance all around the world ♪
No, because you've missed
every shot.
Who is it?
Who do you think, dick?
♪ We want you to see ♪
♪ the world ♪
♪ and see all the beauty ♪
♪ that surrounds you ♪
♪ Who came knocking
at the door? ♪
- What's he doing?
- ♪ The little man... ♪
Is he even alive?
♪ Who came running
to answer the door? ♪
♪ A dragon
and a man dressed... ♪
♪ ...up as a clown ♪
♪ Dance all around ♪
On three.
One.
Two.
- Hold on. Wait!
- What?
We should count down.
It's better to cut down
than up.
♪ ...and the music ♪
What difference does it make?
- What if you go past three?
- ♪ We want you to see ♪
- When's it gonna stop?
- ♪ the world ♪
You go.
Three, two...
Hold on!
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
- What?!
- Are we going on one or zero?
After one,
you don't say the zero.
All right.
Three, two,
one.
And so the guards
threw down their weapons
- and the children put aside...
- Shoot him, bro.
You shoot him.
It's a flare gun.
Shoot him!
Let him go!
I'll shoot you, bro!
I mean it.
- With my gun!
- Oh. Fuck!
♪ We want you to see... ♪
♪ See the world ♪
♪ see all the beauty
that surrounds you ♪
♪ Dance all around the world ♪
♪ Dance all around the world ♪
♪ All around the
world with me ♪
Oh!
What happened?
Is he dead?
- Looks it.
- Oh!
He could have that thing,
where you, like,
suddenly fall asleep.
You know?
Narcoleprosy.
Hey!
Dude.
Hello?
It's all good.
He ain't sleeping, bro.
Oh.
Am I surprised?
Actually, yes.
Yes, I am.
To be honest,
I was sure that if anyone
was gonna fuck this up
and get themselves killed,
it was you two.
Yeah, let's view this as
a kind of initiation, huh?
A toast...
to Donny's demise!
Let's see that skinny little
fuck fuck my missus now.
Mr Spiggs,
did you just call
Donny Kong skinny
in the same way you might
call Marvin brainy?
What do you mean?
- He was fat.
- What?
Yeah, like, really fat.
Oh, you shot a fat man?
Are you guys fucking with me,
are you?
Huh? Are you guys
fucking with me, eh?!
Oh, fuck!
Maybe, you know,
Donny porked out
since you last saw him.
Wh-Wh-What he just ballooned
overnight, huh?
Magically beat the fuck
out of his anorexia!
You guys shot the wrong man,
didn't you?!
- Technically, he died before...
- Before you what?
We didn't actually shoot him.
You just said
that you fucking did.
We just wanted you
to like us.
We think it was
a heart attack,
probably because of his size.
- And the situation.
- Yeah. The sitch.
Whoa, whoa!
Come here,
you little fucks!
Fuck it.
- Where are you going, bro?
- It's OK.
Bro, where are you going?
Bro, come back.
I'm sorry.
Did you do anything
or say anything to anybody
that would make it
even remotely possible
to trace what happened
to the fat man back to me?
Probably not.
"Probably not."
That's very reassuring, son.
Nobody saw us, Mr Spiggs.
Go back, get a name
for the fat man.
Then I want you
to find Donny Kong
and finish the job.
You got it?
Of course, yeah.
Until I have a name
for the fat man
and Donny is picking turnips
with a stepladder,
then we're not square
as a bear.
Why would... Why would Donny
be picking turnips?
Dead, Freddy!
Dead!
Cos he'd be fucking dead!
Wait.
You...
Now, as you know, Freddy,
the deadline's still noon.
If you're not back by then,
I shoot Marvin's foot.
Then every half hour
past noon,
I'll shoot him again.
I'll start with the other foot,
work my way up to his knees...
...his hands, and then...
...ugh...
...I'm sure you
get the picture.
I think he's in room 202,
but I'm not too sure.
Maybe you've got a register
with his name in it.
You a cop?
I'm not a cop, really.
- Are you sure you're not a cop?
- I'm not.
- Cos you sound like a cop.
- I'm not.
OK, well,
if you're not a cop,
then why should I tell you
if your friend,
if, in fact, he is your friend,
is in room 202?
Is your mum
or dad here or...?
- What's your friend's name?
- Um...
His name.
Um...
Funny thing is...
I've actually forgotten
his name.
Oh, right.
B-B-But he's...
He's really large.
Asian, I think.
So you don't know
if your friend's Asian
and you can't
remember his name?
Room 202.
It's just a name.
What's that say?
- Do you know what it means?
- Um...
Hello? Donny?
Hello?
...We import
so much of our food,
and all the time,
it's got to come up from the
Northern Hemisphere; it's gotta
come from the warmer climates,
cos we're not very good
at growing stuff.
Police.
Open the door, please.
Open the door.
Uh, just a second.
Sorry. It was just kind of mess,
so...
We got a call that someone
matching your description
- broke in here.
- I didn't actually break in.
Jeff left the door
open for me.
Who the hell is Jeff?
Jeff Kwok.
We're hooking up today.
And he said to wait
here for him.
He's lying. I've never
heard of Jeff Kwok.
Yeah, Jeff knows Donny,
and he's staying here.
I think that's actually
his suitcase over there.
What's your name?
Uh, Calvin...
Broadus.
People call me Snoop.
Got some ID, Snoop?
- Sorry, no.
- Oh, this is bullshit!
OK, calm down.
He told me that he didn't
know who lives here,
and he asked me for a name!
I'll take it from here, OK?
Is someone in there?
Oh, uh, I don't...
I don't think so.
Actually, I wouldn't
go in there.
I just did a monster shit,
and it's like...
Whoa.
When do you expect
your friend to get back?
Uh, soon.
Maybe you should
wait outside.
Shit!
Fuck.
- It's clean?
- Definitely.
So you tidied up
and you wiped clean
everything we touched?
What do you think
"definitely" means?
Yeah, I cleaned up and tidied
everything we touched,
just like your highness ordered,
so can we get fucking moving?
Because the skipper's waiting,
and she doesn't like
to be kept waiting.
Fucking knew I should
have done it myself.
Do I look like
a fucking idiot?
You treat me
like a fucking idiot,
and I don't like it.
- You don't like it?
- I do not.
You know,
there's a saying...
you teach people
how to treat you.
What?!
Who's "they"?
It's just what they say.
Fuck!
Fucking shit.
Jesus...
What the fuck
are you waiting for?!
- Calm the fuck down.
- Come on, man!
Those cops are gonna ask us
fucking questions,
and it's gonna fucking blow up
in our faces like fucking C4.
And the skip won't be happy.
She won't be.
- Fuck!
- Roy.
- Won't be happy, okay.
- OK, it's all good, all right?
OK, just use your breathing.
Use your breathing.
There, you happy?
Yeah. Yeah,
I'm fucking happy!
Breathing. Breathing.
Here we go.
Chill, dog.
Chill, dog.
- "Chill, dog"?
- What?
- Who says that any more?
- Everyone.
- Brolax.
- What?
You know, "brolax".
It's like the new "chill dog".
You know, but instead
of "chill dog",
you've got bro and relax.
You put it together... brolax.
- Brolax?
- Mm.
Brolax.
Brolax.
♪ To hide away our fears ♪
- ♪ H ♪
- Hi.
- Fuck off.
- Hey.
- Wait, wait.
- Oi!
♪ T ♪
Get out!
I just wanna get into
Donny's room!
I'm calling the police.
♪ Te p ♪
♪ Te p ♪
♪ He t ♪
Don't make me hurt
the fish.
♪ Te kupu ♪
You killed my fish!
I'm gonna kill you!
Oh, shit, sorry.
I didn't mean to.
Hey, hey.
Jeff.
Jeff?
Jeff?
These young girls
and these young children,
they are looking at us...
Hmm.
That's right.
Come to me, bad boy.
Here we go.
Mmm, yeah.
Oh, momma.
Oh, put it there.
Hey, boss.
Slang for anus.
Four letters. Ends with E.
Arse doesn't fit.
So, it's done?
Uh, kinda.
Kinda done.
What do you mean
"kind of"?
How can someone be
kind of dead?
He's dead.
You know, he's...
definitely dead.
There was just no signs
of a break-in or a struggle,
so we figured, you know...
heart attack?
Yeah, I mean, a body of those
proportions, you know, it was...
What?
Roy had a hunch.
Here's my hunch.
This is what happened.
He ate it, and then he tries to
shit it out in the bath, right?
Because if he tried
to shit it out in the toilet,
it would go down
the drain, right?
So while he's trying to
shit it out in the bath,
the strain was so big that,
boom, heart attack!
Jeff ate the merchandise?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
So it's still inside him,
and we need to cut it out.
No fucking way
I'm cutting him up.
Which leaves...
well, just you.
- Me?
- Hmm.
- I saw a meat clever...
- Hey, whoa, whoa.
- Oh, what?
- A meat clever?
Yeah.
- Yeah.
- What?
W-We can't do it here
cos of forensics
and whatnot.
- Which is why...
- Oh God no.
- We take him to the workshop.
- Right.
And we let the skip do it.
- He's in the van.
- Oh, is he?
We dressed him in a tracksuit
so nothing looked suspicious.
Hmm.
Tell me, Roy,
the room you found him in,
what floor was it on?
- First.
- First.
- Oh, so there were stairs?
- Yep.
And where did you park?
Uh, on the street
outside the motel.
Oh, I see.
So, let's just recreate this
morning's events, shall we?
So you find Jeff dead
in the bathroom,
and you put him in
a tracksuit,
then you carry him
down some stairs
and on to a public street,
and you put him
in the van.
And all this
takes place when?
Oh, it was early-ish, eh.
In broad fucking daylight!
And then you drive a body
the size of a small whale
around the city
and you leave him
parked in a van
outside my shop.
But nothing looks suspicious,
does it?
I-I-It's so nice
to see you brolax.
What did you say?
- Don't.
- Brolax.
It's like when you're
a brother relaxing,
- and you just take out the...
- Are you on fucking meth?!
No, not today.
All right, bring him in.
Fucking morons.
♪ The street's a liar ♪
♪ I'm gonna lure you
into the dark ♪
♪ My cold desire ♪
- ♪ To hear the boom, boom, boom, of your heart ♪
- See anything, Skip?
Roy, when did you decide
it was acceptable
to call me Skip?
What, so that doesn't
get your freak on?
- My "freak on"?
- Yeah.
I assume that means you
think I would like it,
but no,
I do not like it.
Bum-lickers don't impress me.
What does impress you?
People who make my life easy.
♪ Such a pretty face ♪
♪ This is a bad town ♪
♪ For such a pretty face ♪
- ♪ This is a bad town ♪
- So...
what would it take for
someone like me, you know,
to make life easier
for someone like you?
Sorry, Skip.
Shit.
- Skip.
- Oh, shut the fuck up.
♪ I'm gonna catch ya ♪
♪ I'm gonna getcha,
getcha ♪
♪ Oh, ah, oh ♪
♪ I wanna taste the way ♪
♪ That you bleed ♪
♪ Oh-oh-oh ♪
♪ I'm gonna catch ya ♪
♪ I'm gonna getcha,
getcha. ♪
♪ Oh, ah, oh ♪
♪ I wanna taste the way
that you bleed ♪
♪ Oh, ah, oh ♪
Well, gentlemen,
the merchandise
is not in the fat man.
Which means what?
It's somewhere else.
It's somewhere else.
That is correct.
Well done, Semo.
But where?
- Good question.
- Good question?
Not a good question?
No, Roy, that's not
a good question.
That is an outstanding question.
That is the best
fucking question
on the entire fucking planet.
That is the fucking
"to be or not to be"
of fucking questions,
and I want it fucking answered,
so get back to that
fucking motel,
and you fucking rip
that place apart,
and you don't fucking stop
until you find my
fucking merchandise!
Why couldn't you just
have eaten it
like you clearly eat
everything else?
You think about a lot
of things when you're
trapped under a bed
in a motel room
with a guy who
might want to kill you
if he found out you were
there to kill him
for screwing your boss' wife.
All kinds of stuff...
random stuff,
like what I'd do differently
if I coached the Warriors.
Other stuff too,
like my dad,
who didn't deserve to die,
and what he might
say right now.
Something like,
"You made a mistake, son,
getting involved with Spiggs."
And then he'd hug me
and tell me he loved me.
Then I thought about the time
and the high noon thing,
and the deadline and how
I needed to do this for Marvin,
who was always there for me.
And I thought,
"Yeah,
Dad would understand."
But then I was all like,
"Man, this is really confusing."
The only thing I could
think to do next was
pray for a miracle.
Jeff?
Jeff?
Jeff?
Tell us where it is
and we'll be on our way.
Fuck!
Oh, righty-oh, mate.
Oh, that...
that's dirty.
Fuck.
Jesus.
OK.
We know Jeff stole it.
And we know he
was hiding out in here,
which means you know
why he was hiding out,
which means you know
where it is. So where is it?
Jeff said he needed a place
to stay for a while,
but I don't know
what you mean.
Please, don't hurt me, please.
- Toilet?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Get up.
- The toilet?
- Yeah, yeah, get up. Come on.
- I don't need toilet!
I don't need toilet!
Right, toilet.
- No, thank you. I don't need it!
- Let's go.
Where is it?!
Where is what!
Wrong!
We know that Jeff came here
after he took it!
Just tell us!
- Where the fuck is it?!
- Oi, oi, oi, oi.
- Where the fuck is it?!
- Hey, hey. Wait, wait!
Come. Hey, hey, hey.
Take it easy.
What the fuck, bro?
Fuck, he's no good to us dead,
is he?
Come on, stay with me.
Yo, bro.
Hey, just tell us where it is
and we'll call an ambulance.
Yo.
Hey, hey, hey.
Come on, no, no, no.
Oh shit.
You always fuck things up,
don't you?
He should have told us.
Fuck!
Fuck!
So what do we do now?
Not gonna stick around here,
that's for sure.
OK, let me think.
We rip the place apart,
like she asked us to, OK?
But we found nothing.
- What about the merchandise?
- Fuck the merchandise, bro.
That's two dead bodies, OK,
because of this fucking
merchandise.
I don't want to be body number
three, do you?
Good. Let's go.
Oh, wait.
Fuck, Roy, come on.
- Oh, what is up with his...?
- Roy!
Freddy?
He's gone.
Who?
The fat man, he's gone.
What do you mean gone?
Well, I got back here to the
place, and he's not here.
- He's gone.
- Well, where is he?
- I don't know.
- You said he was dead!
- Yeah, he was, but...
- Then fucking what?!
But what if he wasn't?
Shit.
Donny might have found him.
Yeah, I-I don't think so.
Well, how do you know that?
Because...
Donny's here.
I'm looking right at him.
Put him on.
I can't. He's gone.
Like, gone gone.
- Dead gone?
- Yeah.
What happened?
I killed him.
You killed him?
Yeah, so...
So you can let Marvin go now,
OK?
And why would I do that, huh?
Because that was the deal.
I mean, I've done everything
you asked me to,
and it's before the deadline,
so...
So you just want me
to take your word for it
that you took care of Donny
and expect me to let Marvin go?
Well...
yeah.
Well, nah. I want proof.
And until I get it,
we're not square as a bear.
So here's what
I want you to do.
Piece of shit!
Try now!
You fucking beauty!
Move. Move over.
OK.
Let's get the fuck
out of here.
Oh, oh, wait, wait, wait.
Fuck, I left my prints
on the seat.
Don't worry about it!
No, I need to wipe
the seat clean!
Fucking hurry up, then.
Fuck. Shit.
Fucking idiot.
"I want Donny's cock.
Cut it off
and bring it to me.
I'll know it when I see it.
Cos how I found out
she was fucking Donny
was finding videos
of them doing it.
So don't bring me any old cock
that, you know,
you cut off some fucking
homeless bloke.
We're not square as a bear
until Donny's cock
is in my hand.
So you best get moving.
Whoo-hoo!
Because it's nearly noon,
Freddy.
Tick-tock, son.
Sorry, bro.
Ugh.
Fucking shit.
Fuck.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Fuck!
Motherfucker!
Semo!
He was in the room!
Get him!
Shit!
Stop, kid!
- ♪ Whakatau P ♪
- Stop where you are!
♪ M ♪
- Fuck!
- Whoa!
♪ Ng ♪
♪ Rongomai Te Ariki ♪
♪ T ♪
♪ Ki runga Takaparawh ♪
♪ Tahu toku k ♪
♪ Tahu toku k ♪
♪ Toku ahi k ♪
Fuck.
♪ Toku ahi k ♪
♪ Tahu toku k ♪
♪ Toku ahi k ♪
What were you doing
in that room?
Nothing.
Seriously?
I broke in, OK?
I'm sorry if that was
your guys' place.
You know where it is,
don't you?
Where what is?
- What's your name?
- Freddy.
Freddy who?
Winiata.
OK, Freddy Winiata,
do you know a fat guy
called Jeff Kwok?
I've never heard of him.
OK. OK, OK. OK.
So, you don't fuck with us
and we don't fuck with you.
This is your last chance, OK?
Where is it?
Where is what?
Oh, OK, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah?
OK, hey, hey.
Hey, hey, hey.
You don't think I will?!
Hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey.
Listen.
Can we just try
and keep this one alive?
Just search him.
- You search him.
- Just... Just do it, Roy.
Eh, that...
That's not my name.
Frederick Winiata.
Least you're not lying
about your name, Freddy.
- Is there anything else?
- He's a donor.
The wallet, dick.
Where'd you get this?
- I stole it.
- You stole it?
I can...
I can sell it
for 50 bucks easy
to, you know,
an illegal immigrant.
Right.
What, an oversized
illegal immigrant?
Yeah, I mean, probably.
Freddy, just tell us
where the merchandise is
and we'll let you go.
It's that easy.
What merchandise?
Where'd you put it, bitch?
Did the fat guy
give it to you
or did the skinny guy
give it to you?
Where'd you put it?!
Yeah, OK,
he can't breathe.
Hey, hey, Roy,
let him go.
Hey, hey.
He's not gonna tell us
because he knows
how much the merchandise
is worth.
He's gonna keep to his story
about breaking in
because he knows
we can't prove it.
Isn't that right, Freddy?
Shit.
- Oi.
- What?
You thinking
what I'm thinking?
I doubt it.
We escalate the situation.
We let the skip deal with it.
That's pretty good.
Freddy, have you heard
of The Upholsterer?
- Kind of.
- Kind of?
Well, I think she'd kinda
like to see you.
Do you like horses, Freddy?
Hmm?
They're all right.
You can tell a lot
about a horse from its teeth...
its age, its diet,
its general health,
even its possible vices,
such as wood-chewing
and the like.
Well, people are much
the same.
But our vices, well,
that's where you and I are quite
different from a horse
because our vices aren't
quite so easy to detect.
But we all have them,
don't we?
So what's your vice, Freddy,
hmm?
Is it drugs?
Girls?
Boys?
And how would a young man
like yourself
pay for such things, hmm?
Perhaps that's why you broke
into the very same motel
where a man who stole from me
something of great value
was hiding out.
This gentlemen right here,
in fact.
What did you break into
that motel room to steal?
This very same man's
driver's license.
Which you say
you can get $50
on some black market
for illegal immigrants.
Now, I know people have
been killed for less,
but $50 is not a lot of money,
is it?
Perhaps you took
Jeff's license
because he didn't have
a heart attack, did he?
No, you killed him somehow.
Perhaps asphyxiation.
And then you went back
to erase any evidence
that he was ever
in that room.
- Police.
- Just a second.
While you were doing that,
trying to figure out where
the fat man was
and how the skinny man
ended up dead,
you were interrupted.
Aw!
Jeff?
But tell me, son,
is it worth your life?
Is getting all the money
you ever dreamed of,
is it really worth dying for,
hmm?
Motherfucker!
Where is it?
I don't know.
Maybe it's in there.
Hmm?
Here, take a closer look.
Is it in there, Freddy, hmm?
I can't hear you.
No?
- Where is it?!
- I don't... I don't know!
You could check up his date.
- His what?
- His date.
His arse.
People put some
crazy shit up there.
I saw this doco about
drug smugglers.
They get condoms,
fill them full of drugs,
and stick them
up their bums.
It's pretty amazing what
you can fit up there.
Roy, come and take a look.
Wait.
Wait. Slang for anus,
four letters... "date."
Give me the paper
and a pen.
- Hurry up.
- There you go.
D-A-T-E.
Perfect.
Right, continue.
You left his phone on him?
Where's your phone, Freddy?
Hmm?
Where is it?
So, who'd be calling you,
hmm?
I don't... I don't know.
Yes?
Who's this?
Who's this?
Who's this?
Who's this?
Tell me who this is!
You tell me who this is.
Where's Freddy?
You tell me.
What?
Well, where should he be?
Is Freddy there or not?
Who wants to know?
Who the fuck is this?!
Who is this?!
Put him on!
Well, you see,
he's a bit busy.
Busy doing what?
Is there a message?
Yeah.
Yeah, here's the message.
- Bang.
- Bang?
Freddy.
Who's expecting you?
- Hmm?
- Nobody.
Keep searching him.
- Hey, hey.
- Hey, whoa.
What is it?
What's this?
Had it on him
the whole time.
Oh.
Is that a...?
Yeah, looks like it.
It's kind of, um...
Donny.
Freddy?
What are you doing with
Donny Kong's penis?
It's worth heaps of money
in the...
in the Asian market.
It's used for soups.
It's like a delicacy.
He was dead, so...
Roy killed him.
I... I mean,
that's where I saw it.
I don't believe you've been
completely honest with us,
have you?
Why did you
deem it necessary
to cut off
Donny Kong's penis
and put it in your pocket?
I have to deliver it
by noon,
otherwise Marvin's
gonna get shot.
Ah, bang, hmm.
Come on, Freddy,
who sent you?
Who was on the phone?
It was... It was meant
to be the skinny man,
not the fat man,
but I didn't know that.
The fat man wasn't meant
to be there, was...
Who fucking sent you?!
Ah, what a shame.
Well, can't say I didn't
give him fair warning, huh?
No, no, no.
He'll make it.
He will.
No, no, no, no.
He'll be here.
He'll make it.
- He will.
- Oh, shut the fuck up.
No! No!
Help! Help!
Look at you. Look at you
about to pee your pants
like a little fucking girl!
You're fucking crazy.
- Ah.
- Come again.
You're fucking crazy,
you fucking psycho!
I thought you were
fucking cool!
Wait...
I'm not cool?
Well...
Oh.
Oh yeah!
Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
Oh! Yeah.
I might be fucking crazy,
but if your friend doesn't
turn up in the next half hour,
your other foot is gonna get
the same fucking treatment!
Don't let me interrupt,
Mickey.
The Upholsterer.
Well, well, well.
I think you know
why I'm here.
Lap dance?
You know, when I heard
the name Mickey Spiggs,
it all made sense.
I'm connected to Jeff Kwok.
Jeff Kwok is connected
to Donny Kong,
and Donny Kong,
if I'm not mistaken,
is connected to you.
I know what you did to Jeff,
and the reason you did what
you did to Jeff is because
you knew that he had
what belongs to me.
So just hand it over
and we'll be on our way.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Take it easy, all right?
Just-Just take it easy.
I have no idea
who Jeff Kwok is,
and I have no idea what the fuck
you're talking about.
Take a seat.
Jeff is a rather large man
who was killed earlier today
in his place of temporary
residence by Freddy,
who I believe
is in your employ.
- The fat man?
- Not only was he fat, Mickey,
he was also stupid.
He stole something from me.
Freddy stole it from him,
killed him
and then gave it to you.
Yeah, nah, that's not
actually what happened.
- Where the fuck is it?
- Listen,
I didn't even know the fat man
existed till this morning.
Oh, have I not been
polite thus far?
- Yeah.
- Have I not been reasonable?
- Yeah.
- Yeah. I think I have.
You see,
being polite and reasonable
about this is plan A.
If you do not hand it over,
you will force me
to go to plan B.
And plan B is not so polite
and reasonable.
But let me try and persuade you
to stick with plan A,
because I really hate to make
a mess unnecessarily.
So, first you need
to know two things.
One, if the merchandise is not
back in my possession
within the hour,
I will execute you.
Yeah.
And, two.
- Pa-ching.
- One of my men is outside
in a van with Freddy,
who will also be executed
should plan A fail.
So what's it going to be,
Mickey?
Plan A, everyone lives,
or plan B,
not everyone lives?
It's entirely up to you.
Hey, let Marvin go!
Semo.
How did Freddy get a gun?
And why can I see
your genitals?
Fucking Roy's fault.
Gum?
I'm cool.
Hey, uh,
your dad drive a cab?
Why?
Did you know him?
No, not really.
Bro.
- How did you...?
- Hands on your head!
OK.
OK, just take it easy,
Freddy.
Give me your gun.
Give me your gun!
OK.
Get out.
- Now take off your clothes.
- Eh?
I wanna see if that's
all you're carrying.
- That's everything.
- Do it!
There you go, Freddy.
Everything.
Oh, come on!
Now back to the end
at the beginning.
Or is it the other way?
What do you want, Freddy?
Go and untie Marvin.
Semo, don't you move.
Do you know why they call me
The Upholsterer?
I know it's not a razzle-dazzle
name like Ms. Untouchable
or Bonnie Bamboo,
but it fits.
You see, because I like to make
people feel comfortable.
Now, to make you comfortable,
I assume I'd have to let you
and Marvin leave here intact.
Yes?
For me to feel comfortable,
I need to leave here
with my merchandise.
So why don't we just make
each other comfortable, hm?
OK, yeah.
I have it.
Marvin leaves
and you get it back.
No, the merchandise first.
OK, but...
we do this without guns.
We all put them down.
You're dreaming, mate.
Well?
Where is it?
Safe.
Roy.
But then he can just
shoot us.
Oh, I think Freddy knows
that would be a mistake.
Put... your...
gun... down.
Put your fucking gun down.
Your other gun, Freddy.
Frederick Winiata.
How did you know him?
How did you know my dad?!
He was a good man,
reliable...
mostly.
Liked the ponies.
He worked for you?
Of course he did.
A pick-up or a drop-off
every now and then.
Well, he had the perfect cover,
didn't he?
Why'd he die?
Does it matter?
You do look a bit like him.
You can put it down.
I didn't kill him.
I don't believe you.
Don't believe what...
that he worked for me
or that I didn't kill him?
Well, what if I did, hmm?
What if he owed me
a shit ton of cash?
What are you gonna
do about it?
You gonna fuck me up?
Avenge his death?
Go on, then.
Be as stupid as he was.
Fuck this!
Holy shit,
I'm gonna die!
That's what I should be
thinking right about now,
but that's not what went
through my head in this moment.
What went through my head was,
"If only the fat man
was skinny."
Well, this is it.
This is how my shit day ends.
What would you do...
pull the trigger for Dad?
Or would that make me
just like her?
She does deserve it.
Nah.
Shit, Marv!
Hey, hey, Marv.
- Is it over?
- Yeah, we gotta go.
- Guess it's possible, bro.
- What?
I think I got a limp
in both legs.
It's not what it looks like.
Wait, wait.
Wait, seriously,
we had nothing to do with this.
All we did was try
and pay back Spiggs.
This was all The Upholsterer.
She was saying Spiggs stole
something from her, and it...
got, like, kinda crazy,
and Marvin's been
shot in the leg, and...
I've got to get him
to a doctor pronto.
Hey,
Spiggs is dead, dudes.
That makes you in charge,
right?
We doing this or what?
Yeah, bro.
We don't take risks,
we get nowhere.
It's all good, bro.
I got this.
Marvin and me
never did find out
what the merchandise was,
but I still think about
what it might be
and where it might be.
Like, is it back at that motel?
Could be.
And I think about breaking in
and finding it,
but then I'm like,
"Nah, I never want to
go back into that room.
All those fullas
got killed over it."
So we're gonna stay on
the straight and narrow.
Yep, we got big plans.
I'm gonna turn this shit
around, Dad.
Make you proud
and show you I can do it.
They say there's dough
in pizzas if you get it right,
so me and Marv
are gonna learn the ropes,
save hard and start
our own franchise.
We're gonna be high on the hog.
You wait and see.
Yeah, it'll take a while,
but we're gonna get there.
We're gonna tear it up, baby!
Hells yeah!